Berner Phone - Mara Marek: 3 Divorces & 7 Broken Engagements

Episode Date: September 11, 2019

Mara grew up in a devil home with an angel street life, her mom was undiagnosed bipolar, she explains why she forces hugs, cocaine mishaps, making millions of dollars, getting hit in the head with a ketchup bottle, how her asshole broke from stress, and all her fricked up relationships.Follow Hannah Berner on Instagram & Twitter: @beingbernz--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is what I say about cocaine. If I don't like it, the night's ruined. And if I do like it, now I'm hooked on cocaine. My life's never been great when I was doing cocaine. So when you were with him, were you guys partying hard? Yeah, he got me to do Molly the first time. Ecstasy the first time. This dude's 52.

Calm down. Like, get tired. Isn't he tired? 52 years on this planet? It sounds exhausting. Welcome to burning. Good morning, my little devils. It might be the evening.

Whatever it is, good day to you. I'm your host Hannah Burner, and today I have a special guest. I'm with a woman who has had seven broken engagements, three divorces. While we're all just waiting for a text back, she is busy. She's a comedian and podcast host of Happily Never After. Marameric. Hi, how are you? Did I pronounce it, right?

Yes. Well, it's Mara, Merrick, but everyone says Mara. Oh, God, do it! Wait, are you like Slovakian? I am. My entire life, my parents thought we were Polish, and then we had the 23 and me, and they were like, no, you idiots. And I was like, that's the most Polish thing. You said it, not me.

I don't know if it's like a New York thing, but people love stupid Polish jokes. I live in a very Polish area, too. You're like, we're the only Slovakians in this whole Polish town. This is crazy. So was your identity kind of changed after that forever? Yeah, I had to dye my hair and move town. So speaking of that, I did my research on you. Mara and I, oh, Mara, that's like sexier than Mara.

Mara is like from the Midwest. Oh, yeah, Mara. I know. No one wants to fuck a Mara. No, but Mara. Wait, can we swear? Yes. Okay.

I would be kicked out my own podcast if we couldn't swear But we met because I followed you on Instagram Because I'm a creep And you immediately DM me and you're like Why aren't you on my podcast? And I was like, why aren't you on my podcast? I was like, shoot my shot. Hell yeah.

I love when girls shoot their shot Because we all love each other deep down The only thing with friendships is I feel like There's an intimidation factor with girls Like I'll get intimidated like, oh, is she too cool? to be on me. But then when you shoot your shot and they message you back, you're like, we're sisters. Forever. Forever. I know. I'm a big believer in lifting everybody up. I have to tell you something. I'm a little Polish too. So we might be related. So I was reading about you and you said

something that we're going to get deep immediately. Okay, perfect. You said something that really was on brand for the podcast. I said that you grew up in a devil home, an angel street life. Yes. What The Flying Fuck, what that mean? My dad worked a lot. And my mom, my dad worked at a tool, his dad's tool and I shop. He really wanted to be a race car, pit crew person. But my mom said, no, I want to live on a lake. So go work with your dad.

They don't have race cars near the lake. They do, actually. There's a racetrack right by there. Then I'm confused. In Grattan. It's right by Grattan. Are you from Michigan? I'm from Michigan.

Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh. Oh, it's sexy. You guys are so nice. We're so nice, but we're very passive-aggressive. We're evil on the inside. Yeah. They call it Minnesota nice when people are nice to your face.

And then they're just fucking horrible and talk about you behind your time. That's what. People give New Yorker shit, but you know where you stand with them. I know. You know where you stand. Yeah. So my mom was unmedicated bipolar. Yeah.

So it was never diagnosed? It wasn't until I was 15 or 16. 16. People don't diagnose that stuff back then. No. Especially not in Michigan. Did you have a sense that there was something off? When she was beating the fuck out of me, kind of. Oh, so it would get physical. Yeah. For like no reason. Yeah, we're just like, we got a half an hour of TV every Sunday as a family. Half an hour. You can't even get into the show in half an hour. We watched Touched by an angel, okay? Is that like a father-dalling mysteries? Those are the two things. What are those? Are those like Religious crime shows.

Religious crime. Yeah, there's like, a priest in a nun and they would solve crimes. It was probably the priest. At the end of the day, the priest did it. The priest always did it. It was always fucking the kids, yeah. We're like, who fucked the kids? Yeah, I don't even have to watch.

I know what happened. So we would start, like, we would start watching TV and my mom would go, go get me something from there. And I would be like, we get a half an hour. Like, can you just wait? And then that would be like, eh, rage, and then my half an hour would be over. Oh, so certain things would trigger her.

So did you feel like you were walking on eggshells a lot? All the time, 100%. Yeah, it was crazy. Crazy crazy. Did you ever fight back? One time when I was 15, that's it. But I was, like, grown. Did you feel like you deserved it?

No. No. I really didn't. I was just trying to survive. You're like just in a survival. You're like, okay, what's going to set her off? You know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to spend the rest of my life outside. Did you have a sibling? I did, yeah, my older sister.

Older sister. I have a younger brother, but he's 10 years younger. Oh, he was a mistake. Yes. Did you, did your older sister? Did you feel like you bonded over that? Or it was like just... We didn't until much later in life. Like we were in a pool party in Indiana somewhere and she goes, yeah, well, mom used to be crazy. And I was like, wait, you were aware of this? So I would always run interference from my sister. So if she pissed off my mom, I'd be like, distract, distract. Oh, so you had each other's back? Well, I had her back.

But you're the younger one. She should be protecting you. I know, and it's so cute. She's in a relationship now. She's been dating this guy since they got fake married in kindergarten, like a little. Shut up. I know, so cute. And then they started dating in seventh grade, and they've been married since.

And he protects her now from my mom, and I protected her. So she lives in this cute little bubble world. Do you have intimacy towards her? No, I love her so much. So I'm choking. so but like so you just love her so much i love her so much i want her to stay in a bubble i don't tell her anything about my life do you think that you were tougher yeah i'm a lot more emotional yeah you're more emotional for sure yeah i'm like i've hug her we never got hugged i hug i like force hugs

well this is really happy this is a comedy podcast so you're a hug forcer yes just on my sister Because it's so fun, because she gets so uncomfortable. And some people who are abused, you know, don't like physical touch. And you said to yourself, just because I was abused doesn't mean that I can't force affection on everyone around me. Well, I mean, like on a train today on coming here, there was a man that kept bumping me and I turned to him. I was like, if you fucking touch me one more time. It's like that I don't like so much, but yeah, I'll hug everybody. That's good.

You have boundaries. Yeah. My poor boyfriend, he hates touch. And I'm like, I'm like a monkey on him. I'm like, I guess you have to desensitize it. One of my love languages is physical touch. Because I'm like, I get it. We get along great. But like, you can just be my friend unless you want to touch my butt all the time. You want to touch my butt all the time that makes you my boyfriend. If not, you're my fucking friend. Yes. And if I'm in the subway and I want to fucking kiss on you, don't give me attitude because you're lucky I'm giving you that attention. If not, I'll kiss the guy next to you on the subway and see how you like that.

So I have strong opinions on this. I was thinking about Midwest people, how, like, they do have that, like, nice politeness and how, because I'm maybe from, like, the East Coast, I love, I was saying in my comedy show, I love to make fun of people. Like, that's my love language. Like, making fun to you is how I show affection. Yeah. So, like, when a guy from the Midwest is, like, gives me a compliment, and I'm like, thank

you. The conversation just dies. And, like, I'm like, if you're not making fun of me and we're not making fun of me, and we're not making fun of each other? What is this? I constantly do imitations of my boyfriend. One time we were fucking, and he was, he was, like, going down on me, and he was, like, three licks in.

And he, like, collapses to the side, and he goes, you have to get on top. I have heartburn. So I finished, and then afterwards, he, like, tiled himself off, And I go, can I do a light impression? You can never let him move that down. I would like, if you took a sip of water, I'd be like, you're about to get heartburn.

Like everything you did, I'd be like, oh, that can give you heartburn? Well, I know it's bread. So I'm always like, hey, uh, uh, put down his family. You're like with a bunch of friends. You look at him. You're like, don't do it. Don't do it. Whenever you don't want to do anything now, you could also say, oh, I have heartburn.

You're like, oh, can you go down to me? And I'm like, oh, my God, my heart just started to kill. me it's burning it's burning yeah I did a show at his bar and I was watching him from stage and I wasn't going to ever tell anyone that story and I watched him eating my french fries and I was like oh hell no I was like everyone gets to hear this story oh my god I bring you okay I bring up the live show um Mara came to my live show we just had it thank you burning hell live show got some comedy club um When you have the mic and you have all these, like, guys, you're, like, have history with listening.

You're like, I have so much power. And I told this story about how this guy I farted on when he was going down on me. He was right next to me, just F way. Oh, my God. So I told the story. And then I realized, like, and I was like, I'm not going to say who it is because the poor man's been through enough. And then I was like, I don't think he came. And I'm like, guys, he didn't come.

I took, like, a second. I didn't even try to see views in the crowd. And I was like, it was British Dave. And then everyone goes, British Dave is here. Did he react? What did he do? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

He was laughing hard. And then I was checking him out. I was like, he's so much cuter in person. I was like, and he's tall. He's huge. He's six, six. He literally couldn't get a boner for like a month after I farted on his face. Like, I feel so bad for him.

But you know when you're in the moment, you're like, you're trying to release and you're like want to release in an orgasmic way. And sometimes you release in a. other ways. I've never farted in front of a boyfriend. All I do is fart in from my boyfriend. I wish I could. Wait, like your body won't let you. It won't let me. I have to be sitting up.

Isn't that crazy? My comedian boyfriend the first time I farted like he made me laugh too hard and I just farted and then like he, they're comedian so he had to like call it out like just fart and you just fart and I'm like oh my God. Leave me alone and I laughed too hard. I'm gassy. Well, you eat healthy, so it happens.

Definitely don't eat healthy, but when my friends are like, oh, like, I can't poop. I'm like, just go to Chipotle. I don't understand. You're like, they're like, oh, I've been taking this vitamin. Just go to fucking Chipotle and you will clean yourself out. Oh, my God, I'm so turned on right now. How is, speaking of Chipotle, how is your dad? Oh, he's so good.

Oh, my dad that had a heart situation? My dad's great. Your dad's good. How growing up, was he a good support system for you? Yes. My dad was my best friend, is my best friend. He's great. He just doesn't like, he's the most loving, sweet little, just a little chubber.

He's like five foot, he used to be five foot eight. He's shrunk because he's been in a bunch of motorcycle accidents. And so he keeps getting shorter. He's like five foot three. This is my second marriage. I was like leaning down to dance with him. I was like, aw. And he's like, you can't keep divorcing getting married because I will be four, six, eventually.

You won't even see me in any photo. I won't be in any photo. Oh, my God. Okay. So, but it must be hard for him to be married to someone who had that, who was bipolar, undiagnosed. Yes, they live on separate floors in the house. I think they just put the house up on the market. They're still together?

Yeah, very, very Catholic. My dad went to seminary school, like super. super Catholic. Wow. Yeah. Wow. And my mom, my dad cheated on my mom like a long time ago. And my mom should have just left.

Was it, how old were you when that happened? I was in utero. Oh, so you were cooking. Yes. And so all, it was a high anger time. Why did he do that? My mom is the devil. so devil in the home and angel in the streets what do you mean by angel in the streets

we had to go to we went to private school we had to go to manners classes every day first we went to church then we went to manners and then we'd go to all those balls and events and we went to the church things where we sewed the this is like how you create a rebellious child yes you force but i was like such a good kid i didn't drink i didn't do anything i didn't have sex until That's how it all starts. That's how it all starts. Wait, so you, okay, tell me about your first husband slash engagement. Okay, so my first engagement is different than my first husband. Let's get through it. Let's do it. Let's boys talk.

Okay, so my first engagement was Brian, and he was from West Point, and he... Where'd you meet? At West Point. Were you at West Point? No, my uncle was a dean. I know my godfather. And so they would have all these boys that had no dates, and so my uncle would just forced me to go it wasn't like a you get to go it was a you're going a little rapey but it's

okay so I showed up and he proposed and it was in front of everyone and I was like I know you so I said yes of course to be polite what do you mean you showed up and he proposed well I showed up that whole the whole week before you're there and uh you get to hang out and kind of get to know each other and then um at the ball so it's a ring dance it's very fancy how old are you 17 Okay. Yes. And I had this beautiful red gown. It was gorgeous, like blood red.

It was beautiful. Oh, nice and bloody, yes. That's the red you come up with you. You're like, blood. Oh, it was gorgeous. So much blood everywhere. I didn't even have my period yet at that time. Jesus.

I know. And then he asked, and I was like, yes. He asked you to marry him after a week hanging out at this ball. Yes. Is that normal in that culture? Uh-huh. Did you want it? No.

Did you know you didn't want it? No, I just thought it was, I watched a lot of rom-coms at my best friend's house, and so I was like, yeah, this is like, hot? Yes. Oh, that'll do it. I'm shallow as shit. You know that. Like, I'm so shallow.

And my mom's like, do you like him? And I'm like, have you, but he's gorgeous. Did you look at him? And she's like, but do you like him? And I'm like, I don't, that's, why are you trying to complicate this? I'm seeing this guy who like, I put this tweet. do I like him or do I just like that he wears his hat backwards when he wears his hat backwards literally this dude when he wears his

backwards I'm like you can do whatever you want to me ever and people are like is he nice to you and I'm like I don't know I'm distracted by his backwards hat he's also 35 like you think we both would grow out of that stage but you see a guy in a backwards hat and you're just like oh I know my second husband so hot six four and a half wore a half backwards hat and then he would put a suit on and then he would I was like, what is happening?

Okay, we're distracted. I'm a shallow piece of shit. So he asked you to marry him. He's hot. Yes. Were there any, like, red flags in the beginning? I mean, I said yes, and then I went back home. And then I called and was like, although this is sweet and kind, I don't want to go to Germany with you when you're deployed.

And I don't know you to go to Germany alone. So. So thanks, but no thanks. Yeah. Okay. And then I graduated college. And what happened to him? I don't know.

Who knows? I don't keep in touch. Yeah. Good for you. I didn't keep a touch before. He didn't even get your aim? Your A.m? Then my first boss, he was married at the time but going through a separation and divorce.

Which job? I was a finance manager for Toyota, like, finance company. Wow. He vet me $500 that I. This is the first time I fucked. You bet me $500 that I couldn't drink these two food bars. Have you ever seen those fucked up beyond all recognition? And I was 19.

So I was like... And you're like out with him after work? Everybody was out. Yeah. And I was like, put the money on the table. I will do anything for $500. I go. It's $19.

You're like $500, it's a million. Yeah. I will do it. Yeah. It's probably rent in Michigan. Yeah. I fucked him that night. Wait, you lost your virginity after drinking two food bars.

Yeah, and then he like spilled me over my couch and I had this huge strawberry down my back and I had to be in my sister's wedding the next day. So it was great. Was the sex good? I think so. I feel like losing virginity is never good, though. I mean, it was, I thought I had a good time. You were Fubbard out.

I was Fubbard. So did you have feelings for him ever? This is the only one that I actually, like, loved, I think. Did you love him when he was like, would he flirt when he? when he was married but you were in the office and you kind of had a crush on him like he was unattainable i was very much of a prude oh so you you didn't even think about it no i didn't think about my god you're such a holy little bit i know i was like i even had a journal that was like i think if i just encourage others to be good it was gross what's also sometimes with that like i think religion

is great for when it helps you in certain ways, but some people can get so brainwashed that they're, like, not addressing their own problems and just being like, look at all these sinners around me. And I'm like, you're not happy. You're not happy. So instead of worrying about all these sinners around you, why don't you find your happiness?

Not to make this like a devil-worshipping podcast. So continue. So what's this guy? You don't know what I'm talking about. Jason. Okay. Oh, my God. They all have hot name Brian, Jason.

I know. So Jason has sex with you. What happens? He's British. Oh. In Michigan? Mm-hmm. How the fuck did he end up in Michigan?

I don't know. His parents were brought him over when they were like six or seven and he had a sister that hated me and now they don't talk. And I was like, ha-ha. Why did she hate you? You were just a pure little holy girl. Were you really a homewarker? I mean, kind of. They were just separated.

They weren't like out of it. But they were separated. They clearly had their own issues. She definitely tried to run me over with a minivan. once oh my god I was like oh that mini man's coming at me

fast oh shit this is what happens in Michigan that's why I take the subway that's why I take the subway yes so like you had sex once what happened after that

then we he basically moved in and then we got he got finalized in his divorce but how did you realize that there was emotion after the sex uh you well you don't like there's that chemical

that's release where you're like I love him and that's where where I was. Yeah. I was like, oh, I don't, later in life, I was like, oh, I, I wasn't in love with him yet. I liked his hat. So he's, but he was very into you.

Very, yes. You were the, like, shiny new toy. Yes, I was his fourth wife. Oh, so he, how old was he? 52. Oh, my gosh. You're so unpredictable, and that's why I'm fascinated by every detail of everything you're telling me right now, because I can't predict it.

I love it. I can't predict things. Okay, so he moves in with you. What happens? Then we wait until his divorce is final. And that was like Memorial Day weekend. No. We got married February. We had a holiday weekend. How many months were you living together before you got married? Five or six. Not long. And then he was like, oh, we have a three-day weekend. You want to go to Vegas and get married? And I was like, yeah. Was he religious? No. Were your parents, did they have any opinions on this?

They didn't know. I didn't. So the rebellion began. Yes. I didn't even tell my sister. My sister was so mad. Did you like older dudes before? I mean, I think I was just looking for someone to protect me. And I was like, oh, he seems, and he did that.

He was like, this is my girl. He'd bring me around. And it was like would always put me up in like a private VIP table. And we had bodyguards at one point. Yeah, it was crazy. So he had some money. Yeah. So he was like secure feeling.

Yes. So how did it go downhill? Um, he started doing the cocaine, like, too much. This is what I say about cocaine. I don't do cocaine. I think I said this on your podcast when I went on it. Yes. Because if I like, if I don't like it, the night's ruined.

And if I do like it, now I'm hooked on cocaine. I know. My life's never been great when I was doing cocaine. So when you were with him, were you guys partying hard? Yeah, he got me to do Molly the first time. ecstasy the first time. As he was 52. Calm down.

Like, get tired. Isn't he tired? 52 years on this planet? It sounds exhausting. I know. And he was so fun. He sounds like a great time. This one guy that worked with us was a major drug dealer in jail in Florida forever.

Like he worked with, we hired him. I didn't realize it was like to wash money. Yeah. Like it was crazy. And Dennis Hackney in jail forever. Yeah. Google it. Rakell is his girlfriend.

tiny figure, humongous boobs. Anyway, uh, important details. I was like, that's all I think about. So he's parting hard. He's parting hard. We start, I start a business where I go around and I'm teaching finance managers and salespeople in car dealerships, how to do their jobs better. And I'm taking a big percentage. I'm making at 20, 1.2, 1.8 a year. Like it was, it was crazy money. Million? Yeah. Yeah. And then. Oh my God. I know. You're entrepreneurial.

Yeah. And it was great and we were both working a lot. And then I was like, you have kids. He has four kids. In his last one. Hey, talk to your kids like once this year. Well, his last child from his last wife, they don't know who the dad is because she got pregnant from an orgy. Okay. But he was involved in it. Yes. It was a chance. Well, he didn't fuck her. So it's probably his best friend. Anyway. It's definitely not him. Yeah. Did you have ever been an origin? you before? Not before him, no. No. I never fucked before him. But like after him, did you?

Was he into that stuff? He was into like watching me going down on girls, which I would do if I was on Molly. I was like, yeah, sure, whatever. Wow. This just got crazy. Yeah, it was a crazy fun. It was like Wolf of Wall Street, but Cardiardia shit. It was insane.

Wolf of Wall Street, but in the Midwest of Cardiola Food. Well, we traveled all over the world. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, like, we had this huge client in Texas. We had this huge client. It was, like, crazy. We would stay at their house.

It was insane. Were you, like, enjoying it? I had a great time for a little while. And then I was, like, okay, enough. Because it kind of went from extremes. Yeah. I did it for, like, six, seven months. And then I was like, okay, I'm ready to grow up.

Like, it's time. Yeah. And we started buying houses and having, like, we had a house by him. And then we had a house in San Diego where I kind of basically, grew up and like older teen years and then he I went to go buy a car and your finances were merged well I had everything under me good yes because if it was under both of us then his all of his ex-wives would have oh okay so this kind of worked out for you yes a little bit but then turns out he was fucking a notary public I don't know if you someone that can sign things and when I

when you're away. So he got into some financial trouble. He started spending too much and he started mortgaging my homes, which I thought were paid off. And I found out because I went to buy my very first car. I was still being like super frugal and I went to go buy an X5. I was like, I've earned this. Let's do this. And so the finance manager sat me down. He was going over. He's like, your debt to income is high, but you have a really high income. So it's still okay. And I was like, I'm sorry, what and so it's funny because you are a financial manager and i was like excuse me and he showed me i was like to show it to me i'm i do your job like just give it to me and i looked and i was like oh he's he's gonna burn in hell like he's this time he was having sex with that girl he was having

so i figured it out yeah he was having sex with a girl and he had her he forged my name on documents and had her notarized them so that oh my god was his dick that good it was pretty good it was okay I think I just really liked the secure. Once you get married, that's like it. Yeah, but having him do that was probably the least secure and like our most violated feeling. Yeah, and one time after a crazy cocaineed out party, he did smash a ketchup bottle over my head.

Oh my God. So was that, what happened after that? Well, ketchup is my favorite condiment. You're like, he gets me. He understands me. He went to jail for three days. So you reported him? Yeah, for sure.

I almost died. And yeah, it was insane. And that was before I found out about everything. So I was already, like, kind of on the rocks. Yes. Yeah. But I was having PTSD, so I was making him the victim, and it was crazy. How was he the victim in your head?

Well, it switches. It's like a chemical switch where you just, because I sent him to jail. And the whole time I just sat in my front room and on those couches that you never sit on and I was like, I can't believe I sat in a real, this is crazy. You wanted to take it out, blah, blah, blah. It was on the weekends. And it was nuts.

But I'm proud of you for doing that. Thank you. Thanks. I always think about those Lifetime movies. I'm like, if they don't call right away, they're not later. Honestly, lifetime movies do teach you a lot. All of my stories include French rice.

Because I'm like, ketchup. Ketchup is always. in the back. So you get a divorce? Yeah, well, first I destroyed our finances. I sent him on the road and then I stopped. I paid everything off and then I stopped paying all of his car payments

so that when he came back from being off the road the house was sold, all of his shit was gone and he couldn't rent an apartment. Don't fuck with the financial manager people. They will fuck you over. They know what to do.

I love that you're like before I divorced him. I got mine. You're a petty bitch, and I love it. Yeah, but the crap, the shit thing that happened is my best friend who moved me out of my apartment, like in the middle of the night, quickly, like last straw. I was like, okay, we can, is this all happening right now? She fucked him for a whole month, like. Right after?

Yes. What's with this guy's dick? Why has everyone want to fuck him? The notary girl, your best, so she wasn't your best friend after that? No, no. I just went out to Cali and I was going to lick her up, and I was like, nah. Move on. What is the, why would she do that?

I don't know. I was like, I'm sorry. He clearly is not doing well financially. He owes a lot of payments to cars. You would love him. He's so charming. He's a British one? British, bright blue eyes.

I love bright blue eyes. I love British. I love tall. Where is he? I want to fuck him. Okay, after him. Okay, so then, sorry. Oh, don't apologize.

This is great. So then I go into. to, I quit doing the finding, I completely dissolved that company and go into hiding. I started a new company and start a whole new life under this secret company.

Like rent an apartment under it. Because you didn't want him to find me. Okay. Yeah. That's kind of scary. Did you move states? Where were you located? Well, we were in San Diego.

I just moved cities. I wouldn't move back to Delmar where I grew up. But, yeah, so then I meet. Where were your parents in all this? They don't care about me. But was it, was it good that you didn't have to, like, explain it to someone that you, like, got stuck in this thing? Or you really wish you had someone to talk to during it? I mean, it would have been great to have a little support system, but I've always felt, like, alone.

So, like, even when I was young, I had to protect my sister alone. So it's like, okay, I'm alone. You're used to it. Yeah. It's your normal. Yeah. So I was like, fine, it's fine. I got this.

So you start a new company. Start a new company. I rent an apartment. I start working as a personal trainer. while I'm, like, trying out to be a professional cyclist. Yes. When did you realize that you, like, loved working out? My whole life.

Like, I grew up golfing. I grew up, like, my mom would drop me off at golf camp, and she was like, good luck. You had to be 10. I was six. Good luck getting your ass whooped by the other kids. These brains are twice the size of yours. I know. She was so sweet.

Anyway, so. Yeah. So I grew up doing that. I hadn't to ride my bike if I wanted to go anywhere. And anywhere was like five miles from my parents' house. So I just always rode my bike. And being physically fit probably made you feel stronger. I mean, obviously, but like that you are independent.

You could go anywhere and protect yourself. Yeah. Big dick energy. Big dick energy. I know I'm all about girls. Like feel strong in your body. Your body's not just like a sex object for people. Like, yeah, go pick some shit up and put it down.

Yes. And see how you feel the serentone and go through your veins. So at that point, do you feel like you wanted a boyfriend after that? You needed a break from men? Like, where was your mental state with men? I didn't want anything. And then I met my second husband immediately. Like immediately.

And he challenged me to a cycling race. So he was a physical fitness guy. Yeah, he was so huge. had that wine felt six four and a half yeah yeah oh my god you're feeding my fetish right now i'm like tell me how to all he is tell me yeah and then uh so i did a race with him and then i did a triathlon with him and then he asked me out and i was like really this is not a good time and all my friends were like you never go out with nice guys he's so nice and uh so finally i was like fine fuck it i'll go out with you i only like guys who mortgage off my house but i don't know

Oh, you're going to date with him. I've gone to date with him. Then he's like, ran on the second date. Oh, my God. The second date he shows up. And first date, he shows up. And I was in the shower. And I had a roommate at the time.

The girl, Julie, the one that fucked my. Great. Yes. Uh-huh. And you didn't know at the time they were fucking. Oh, my God. I know. And I thought that I locked her out, but I was in the shower and he got there so early because

he was so excited. And I stepped out of the shower and my phone was so wet. that it slipped and I just went whoop and then it went right down on my badge like right in the middle of the top wait your phone no my foot like I stepped out of my I stepped out of the shower with one foot and slipped until my badge went right down on the side of the top oh my god I know and then broke your vagina I broke my vagina before the first eight and then I waddled over to the door and I was like sorry Julie one second and he goes no it's me and I was like fuck so I open the door I was like, I don't think we can go anywhere tonight.

Oh, so like your pubic bone was broken. I had, like, ice on it. He goes, it's fine, we can stay here. I was like, I can't get out of this towel. Sexy. You're like, you can't touch me, but I'm going to be here naked. I like your strategy. And then the second day, I wasn't drinking at the time,

and he got me really drunk on two green apple martinis. Okay. I thought you were going to say Fubar again. I'm like, you've got to learn from your past. So I didn't want to fuck him. Why? And I wouldn't let him. I was like, don't fuck him.

You're never going to close this one. Jesus is watching you. Jesus is very mad. So just the least you can do is not fuck this guy. So I went home. I was like, you can't drive because we're both really drunk. And he's like, I'm not drunk. And I was like, we're both very drunk.

But you should just stay over, but we can't fuck. So I put on every single pair of underwear that I owned. You're hysterical. Sounds very uncomfortable. He's like, are you losing circulation? Feeling around. I was like, I am a little, yeah. So we fucked.

Anyway. Naturally. You're like, if you can get all 182 pairs off me, we'll have the best sex ever. Was it good? It was great. It was great, but he had too big of a penis. Girl, you're preaching. the choir i hate that it was too big these big guys sometimes it's and they just like go they don't

even like yeah give you a pause yeah yeah you need to take a breather sometimes you're like no no hammering on the door no definitely not the beginning warm it up first yeah and he would just hammer because he was like an athlete so you just go for it and i was like my insides and i would have to like curl up in a fetal all the time i'm like okay all right all right so why did you marry him uh he was spiraling but I didn't know it yet. No, so I just said yes. Because you probably weren't fully recovered emotionally from maybe anything since you'd been born?

No, nothing. So, yeah, he asked and I said yes. Why do you think he liked you so much? Probably because I didn't want to get married. I was always like a little distant. How old was he? 26. Yeah, and I was 27.

But you got married because you were scared and you were spiraling. I was like, he's perfect on paper. His parents are wealthy. They own a country club. The guys who are perfect on paper are the worst because your friends always love them. They're like, he's great. And then you'll use that excuse for like any little thing. My sister was like, he's so hot.

And I was like, okay, all right, I'll keep him. I'll close the deal. I'll trap him. Yeah, we got this. I know how to do this. So when did that start going down, how? Way before we got married. You're like, after his dick was too big, I was like, I'm done.

He qualified for the Olympics, and so he started training for that, and then he got injured, and so he really wasn't training for the Olympics anymore, and then he wasn't working, and I was working 9 million jobs, and I was like, I don't want to support you, although you seem to be enjoying it. Oh, so he didn't mind. He wasn't unhappy that he was, like, on his ass all the time? No. He was like working out. And I would be, I was working at the gym. Oh, I feel like everyone's dated that guy who like is lazy as shit, but he's always at the gym. So he thinks he's not being lazy. And you're like, dude. You're so fucking lazy. You're lazy. You look at yourself in the mirror at the gym all day is lazy. Yes. And he would always. I mean, he looked good. Yeah. Yeah. But. But that's boy tour material. That's not husband material. And he would come. I worked at the gym and he would come. I'd be like, okay, I'm ready to go. And he's like, can we just stay and work out? I'm like, bro no come earlier before i get to leave like i'd have spent 16 hours here i don't want to spend another two watching you also like i talk about boyfriend dick like marriage dick like give me normal slash maybe below average dick yes i will do Pilates on that dick like i can handle that dick

and feel good about myself and i can like in the morning just pop it in and it won't be like a whole ordeal yeah i think it's better my heartburn dick is perfect for me exactly exactly So how'd you end it? He told me, we got married, and it lasted 17 days, and I started drinking heavily after that. And I actually had to have asshole surgery because I was so stressed out that my whole asshole split wide open right before I got married. And I had to have it lasered. Wait. Okay, I believe that there's like a connection between the physical and the mental.

Like I get bloated when I'm stressed or like all like anxiety, you could feel weight. in your body like my legs or your heart can feel pressure what happened to your asshole are you sure you didn't just have too much Chipotle colon and rectum split how I don't the doctor was like you've never seen this before no was he doing anal no I've never done anal on that thing that thing was it was like this microphone but like long girl I get it okay so big that must have heard it was yeah in our honeymoon I just sit in the sink with Sit spats, 15 minutes, three times a day. Where was your honeymoon?

In Tulum. Wow. Wow. Okay, so 17 days later. 17 days later, he says, because I'm partying and not coming home, and he goes, if you don't come home at a reasonable hour, it's over. What were you doing when you were partying? Just drinking heavily.

You just didn't want to be home? I just didn't go home. I'd just go to work. Were you, like, hitting on other guys? No. No. I was pretty good about that. Like, they would hit on.

me and then I would take a free shot from them and then yeah that's it yeah yeah yeah about my life but yeah I never was doing oh I did cheat on him once that's right with a pilot lawyer that was really great in D.C but that wasn't part of my drinking that was like during the day you're like that was dead sober 10 a.m. it was he goes you got to come over and look at my new house and I was like hell yeah this is nice and then you just slammed me up against the wall and started making out with me I was like this the hottest thing that's ever happening And, yeah, so I did cheat on him. Whoops, forgot about that.

But those are you like, bring you up new memories. Like, I thought I suppressed that deep, deep down. Hmm, where I was a shithead. Yeah, no. And then, so the 17th, the 16th day, he goes, if you don't come home, then it's over. So then I just stayed out for three full nights. Like, I didn't come home at all for three nights.

Who were you with? I just went to a hotel, bought clothes during the day. Yeah, I was like, okay, did this close the deal? You were a wild motherfucker. like so wild I'll be oh my god I like get annoyed if like my routine at all is changed like if I forget my hair tie I'm like my day's ruined like I should have gone home I need to get my hair tie you're like I will figure it out yeah you just got figure it out there's always an answer I'll be like but my CDs are in his car I have to go back no way so then you get you finally come home you know

you're in trouble he's gone yeah he's gone he's gone back to mom and dads so that was that was done and he uh filed for divorce and got the house in san diego and also uh i had to pay him 17 000 no 13 000 13 000 for my 17 days i know i was like i'm not paying you that's annoying i was like be a man yes that's what i said to him i don't mean this and like but it's like come on buddy come on her asshole got torn apart leave her alone a hot pharmacist who's the next victim who's the next victim actually a tennis player one of my clients one of my clients yeah one of my personal training was he professional or he like was a taught tennis I am not allowed to speak about him at all so he's a professional he uh I'm not

allowed to speak okay Andy Roddick no I'm just kidding I could probably guess it no I wish no it's not that professional but yeah so I met I was training him He made you sign an NDA? There's a lot of things. I would never. I'm very scared of him. He's the only ring I've ever given back. So you were training him?

I was training him 7 a.m. every day. And then we started doing 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. every day. And we started hanging out. And he was like my best friend. He was like the intellectual part that my current husband wasn't. Brilliant. He was in finance. Were you physically attracted to him?

no not right away like not until we he's the best sex of my life what yes why he fucked so many prostitutes while we were together he was so practiced so he's a sex addict yeah he was uh like he signed into his gmail on my computer back in the good old gmail days where it wouldn't sign you out yeah and uh i was like oh this is like one of the craigslist connections and he would do like 10 week when he was traveling and he traveled every week it was crazy and I was like I don't want to get a disease but at that point I was like a dead human being I was like not yeah yeah I moved in with him right away it was crazy like you wouldn't let my dog come there his couch was so expensive I wait wait wait I get it fucking prostitutes but not letting your dog come that's fucked I know

I know he wouldn't ride in my Jeep because I had dog hair in it okay so he's like a monster He's a monster. He would make me study these note cards before we went out to dinner with his clients. I mean, I did fuck it up. He's controlling. Yeah. What do you mean? Okay, you fucked it up clearly because you knew you should self-sabotage that.

Well, I like... Your dog is your emotional support animal. How could he do that to you? Well, how did you fuck this up? Okay, so one night we went out to dinner with this couple and I was in love with this... Like you and I were just like immediately connected. We had the best time. Plus, we're like six glasses of wine in and we're just laughing so hard.

hit my face on the table, I gave myself a bloody nose and a black eye and then I started laughing even harder because I was like, Ha! It could probably didn't feel shit at the time. You could have bashed your face against a wall and you're like, this wine is

good. More peanut grisial, please. And I put her in my phone as my favorite person on the whole planet and then I only put in eight of the digits. So I never, I know. So he got embarrassed by you? Yeah. So then the next morning he's like here's how we do it going forward and I was like yes sir do you like guys who are controlling like that I like him to be a little like commanding not

demanding and that's when I started to like sink inside of myself I was like okay I thought he liked me for me but turns out he just likes the package like he likes what I represent as a person yeah that happened to me before too yeah if a guy that's the thing if a guy says he likes you really early on, like, I don't trust him because it's like he likes what he knows about you and he likes how we can pitch you to his friends and his family. Like I have so many guys who were like, oh, she was an athlete and now like she's on a TV show and it's like, I don't like, I want you to like me for like the weird shit I do and like the little things other people don't know. Don't pitch me like I'm a fucking like PowerPoint. Yeah, like the weird impressions I do at home and

how I wrestle with you when I get a little tipsy. Yeah. So you guys ended? We did, yeah. We stayed together for four years. And he proposed and I had this huge rock and I... Wait, how long did you know he was fucking prostitutes for? Pretty much the whole time.

Like, I moved in with him. Did you ever call him out? No. And then I remember one time he was like also doing cocaine and he was pretending like I didn't know. and he goes, I have to do, I have to be authentic. And he comes out with this plate, with cocaine on it, like a flat plate. And he's like, I'm going to do a line in front of you just so you know that this is how I live my life. And I was like, okay.

And then he stood up and he goes, do you know, you know I have a protective bubble over you? And I was like, uh-huh. And he's like, I will never let anything happen to you. You let her break her nose and get a fucking black eye at a table. Well, that was my fault. Yeah. You just have to turn it on him. You know, you just got to turn out.

Like, I needed you. I needed you. And you let my head fall onto the table. How good. Yeah. So, that ended. I was taking $100 from him every single day to see if you would notice. Is that how I paid my...

Did he notice? He never noticed that he did ask me. He goes, did you ever steal anything from me from the house? And I go, well, I took $100 every day. And he's like, for how long? I was like, forever. Well, he's probably a fan of burning in hell So he just found out if he was confused

And thought you were joking Why would he ask you that? Because you guys were like always drugged out And he didn't trust you? I was never on drugs with him I was I would only drink a little bit I was like way off drugs after my first husband That's good

Yeah, I got back on when I started bartending A lot at corporate places So what I drink True What happened after this guy? So this guy ended And then it was just a slew of of, that one was rough.

And then I got with a guy that wanted to just marry me for, like, military stuff. Yeah, so. But he was tall. He was not tall. He was a good friend. Okay. Yeah. And it was just for business purposes.

Like, if he goes to Afghanistan, he had, like, the craziest job. If something happens, I could, like, be, take care of everything. So he wanted to marry me for that reason. he like never left and uh i started renting his apartment and he was like still there i was like when are you going to go get gilden afghanistan what's going on here like my god at least you're honest at least you're like he's short he's weak he's gonna be he's gotta go he's not gonna make it but yep and then uh and then another guy so that was like quick because he i was renting his apartment when he was supposed to be gone and it was three

months that I was there and he kept staying and I was like I'm gonna go like he kind of tricked you yeah I was like I'm gonna this isn't real so I left and then I moved to Los Angeles so this was in San Diego moved to L.A. I started working at Sports Club L.A. I was one guy asked me if I would marry him under a business proposition where he would give me $110,000 in allowance every year pay for my car, pay for my place and I was like yes. Was he cute? No. Why did you? Why did you? you want that? Well, life was tough. I was like, I was working so much and I was like, fuck it. I'll just say yes. And then. And you weren't scared of marriage at that point. No, I was like, what is it? Oh, what I mean? I have like perks. What did you see for the rest

of your life? Like, what did you want? Well, I don't, I didn't know. You know, it was just like really a crazy time. I just really wasn't feeling anything. And I thought that marriage was stupid. You were kind of numb? Yes. Would you diagnose yourself with anything in terms of like, like love addict or like did you think you had anything of why you kept kind of falling into the next guy's arms? I didn't ever, I wasn't ever in love with anybody else. Like it was just going through the motions and I can shut my whole brain off and fuck

someone completely without emotion. And like when I did, I went to a sex party recently and I was like, game face. Like you just put this stuff on your face and you're like, going in. And I crush it. Do you enjoy it? No. I don't want to do. I'm not doing it for me.

I'm doing it for him, you know? So it's like, that's what I was doing the whole time. Well, I think when you've been emotionally and physically abused, you know how to disconnect from the moment. Oh, for sure. For sure. It helps a lot. Yeah. Yeah.

So you're in this, like, numb place. You get your like sugar daddy. Yes. And then I said no. a month. I was like, I can't do it. Do you have friends that you would, like, run the stuff by? Yes. Well, they're bad friends.

I know. Or then again, I'm an enabling friend. My friend's like, should I get a face tattoo? And I'm like, that would be the funniest story ever. I could tell everyone I have a friend of a face tattoo. Yes! And they're like, this is not for your stand-up routine, bitch. And then I was like, oh, wait, this is just bad.

I think I could just, like, earn more money. Yeah, because 110 isn't even that good. One-10's not that great as an allowance plus. So it was like my house and my car. Okay. Now I'm starting to like see it. Warm up. Yeah.

Did you have to have sex? Yeah. And I just was like picture. He's like one of those super buff guys. Oh. Like he feels like a refrigerator. Yeah. With like the pimple on the shoulder.

Like the whole. And I was like, I can't do it. Yeah. So then what happened? And I broke it off. I had to go. And then I met my last husband who was one of my good friends at a bar. and we just got married on a whim.

It's your thing. Yeah, it's my thing at City Hall. Because you moved back to New York, or you moved to New York? So you're bartending? I was bartending, yes. And this guy's your friend, and you get married, what happened? And then it just, he moved in with me right after, and I was like, I hate you. You got to go.

He was like a total alcoholic. He was peeing on my, I hadn't even put the TVs up yet, and they were in the corner, the TVs were in the corner and I look up and he's peeing on the TVs. Oh, God. I was like, are you that drunk? When you first married him, you didn't know he was. No. Like, he totally hit it.

He hit it. Yeah. Oh, God. There's something about peeing that's like worse than puking. I know. Like peeing is just straight up disrespectful. It is. Yes.

With their little winners. Oh, I hate it. Go find a bush. Figure it out. Okay, so you end it with him. Mm-hmm. And now I'm, I was single for a long time. I dated one other guy, but that's it.

Those are all my, I think. How are you feeling now? Well, I've been with my boyfriend, George, for almost two years now. Which you never do. I know. This is like the longest. This is incredible. Yes.

Him and I have the same feeling about marriage where it gives us panic attacks. So I don't think he's ever going to ask. I'm surprised that you even, like, feel anything about marriage anymore. You're like, oh, we could do it if you want, lend it, whoever. I don't give a shit. If one day he's like, this would complete me, I'd probably, if I was like super in love with him. Do you feel like this is one of the healthier relationships you've had? Yes, mostly because he calls me on my shit.

Oh. I know. It's like, he's like, yeah, because I'll break up with him. And he goes, yeah, of course you're going to break up with me. It's what you do. You leave. I'm like, ouch. Okay, all right.

I'll sit back down. All right. It sounds like he really understands you. He does. It's really annoying. He understands how you're fucked up brain works. I know. And then he can use it against you

And he compartmentalizes it too Because he'll be like I don't have time for your neuroses But you can call me at 3 p.m. That's so funny I kind of love that Because you don't have to fake to like trick him You're like yeah this is me

Let's work it out How do you think your past relationships Have affected this relationship? I'm very open and honest with him Like I'm like probably too much Like I'll wake him up at 3 in the morning because I can't go to sleep because I can't stop thinking about something that he said or something that happened.

And he sits up and he's like, okay, okay, what happened? And then I'm like, I'm just going to go home. I'm just going to go home so I can sleep. And he's like, just lay down and tell me what happened. And then he lets me talk it out. And if it were me, I'd be like, yeah, get the fuck out of my house. If you're going to wake me up a three, you can go. Yeah, that's not okay.

That's the middle of REM sleep. That is primetime REM sleep for me. I would have no patience for that. And he's like, okay, sweet, just tell me what happened. I'm like, okay, thank you. Do you trust your taste in men? No. Like, I would be like, I don't know, I'd be very confused to even trust that I'm like

with the right guy, but two years is a long time. Two years is a long time. And he is, like, it's his longest relationship also. Wow. How old is he? 45. How old are you? 37.

Wow. She looks like. she's 27. No, I'm old. But I mean, you've lived a long life. Yeah, I told your friend Lindsay, hopefully my friend soon. Now she's like, what's the promise of Happy Never After? And I was like, I've been married a lot. Promise I'm not 87. Well, yeah, there were some like Kim Kardashian style weddings in it. But yeah, you guys, I went on Mara's happily never after podcast. You guys should check it out. I should have called it happily. It's called Happy. my God. I'm sorry. I keep fucking it up.

It's fine. Actually, as I said it, it's happy never after. And she go on it, listen to our episode, I open up about a lot of my exes and boyfriends, which was so good. It was pretty fun. We talked some summerhouse drama. But I want to end this podcast now that I am fully fulfilled

on Boy Talk for maybe seven years to play the Seven Deadly Sins. Okay. What are you greedy about? Ooh, I don't share food. Never. Not a Skittles share bag. Do you think it's because you played a lot of sports and you need the calories?

Or just because you're an asshole? I'm an asshole. Who needs Skittles share. When I'm like dating a guy, his food is my food. Like when he gets his plate and there's French fries, I do not even ask. I take. And I'm almost like egging him on to say something to me. So I'm like, I give you my fucking vagina.

You're lucky that all I need is a french fry from you. Oh, George's food is my food. Yeah. But do not touch my food. I got in a huge fight with a boyfriend once because I asked him, like, can I have a piece of your toast? He like had an omelet and I ate the whole piece. And he was like, what the fuck? I thought she just wanted a bite of toast.

I was like, no, I said a piece of toast. I'm going to eat the whole toast. We fought for like three hours. We're not together anymore. I don't know why. Who are you envious of? Oh, my God. Oh, my God, no one.

Oh, is that weird? No. I'm not, is that, okay. Sometimes I love Chloe Kardashian's outfits, and I did go to Bloomingdale's and buy her same exact hat for her straw hat. I love that. I mean, good American is a very cool brand. It is.

Like, I'm one of those girls who have, like, big thighs, big butt. But I have a smaller, like, torso, and no gene fits me ever. Citizens. I like Fashion Nova. I'm Ratchez-Fuck. Fashion Nova, I'm telling you, it's like 30 bucks. I'm wearing them right now. They will cinch at your waist.

I swear to God, this is not sponsored people. Fashion Nova, if you have a big butt and like a smaller waist. Yeah, I learned when I did an internship by like this top salesperson that he's like, I only compete with myself. And I was like, oh, that's deep. Yeah. But is there anything like, for example, stand up? Like, are there people that you look up to that made you realize you want to do it?

Oh, my perfect. Yeah. Doug Stano up for sure. Like, yeah. But I'm more in all of them on VSA. Who were they, the two guys? Berbiglia, Mike, Barbiglia. And he, I told a shitting myself story.

And he was crashing the show and I got offstage and he goes, really great story, really great set. And I was like, I just said, I shit myself. He's like, yeah, I heard you and I told you I liked it. I don't need you to repeat it again at my face. It is crazy if like a person you look up to. Talks to you? talks to you in a positive way and doesn't isn't treating you like a piece of shit he has me to

hold his jacket once and I was like oh my god yes and then you smelled it was like how long do have to stand here whenever you get nervous it's like what do I do with my hands you're like I forgot how to stand am I standing funny oh what are you gluttonous about oh god bravo okay okay wait let's chat okay so when did you discover summer house the first season season. Yeah. I like eat up every single Bravo show. What are your favorites besides Summerhouse? I mean obviously, below deck med.

Okay, I haven't gotten into Below Deck Med. What? But I've heard it's like blowing up right now. There's a girl named Hannah on it. Is she good? She's good. She was really boring a couple of seasons ago. What do you like about Below Deck Med so much? It's like Summer House, but it's on a boat.

Yeah. Okay. Okay, you don't have to attack me. I'm just kidding. What else do you like on Bravo? Oh my God, everything. How do you like Summer House? I love Summer House because it's like if I were going to still be a social person, that's like, I'm not a social person, but they make me. It's terrible. That's why I'm good on the show because I'm like, I don't want to be here.

I love the regular drama. It's like, it's not even that big, but it escalates so huge. Yeah. Just talk it out. No, it escalates because we have four espresso martinis. Oh, yeah. And also, I think because we've gotten so close since last summer, you fight like brother and sisters where you're like, I know what you're going to say. And they're like, I didn't say anything.

I'm like, yeah, but you thought this. And you're like, what are you talking about? So we have like even like weirder fights that are more intense because we care about each other. And also we have to drive out with each other for five hours. So by the time we get to the house, I already want to murder all of them. Yes. When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath? Like, do you have an angry side to you?

I do have an angry side. My manager, she came into town. She's like had a visa situation and had to go out of town. And then we were working on a project and she came back into town. And she called me and, you know, our schedules are insane. And she called me on Friday morning and text me Friday morning. She's like, hey, I booked out this whole day to spend with you. I was like, well, it's not how my day works.

I'm fully booked. And I said, here's the other times that I can meet with you to sell this show that we were working on. And she goes, yeah, I can't meet with you. you I'm brunching I was like what first of all stop using brunch at brunching as a verb just stop because that can mean anything that means you're blacking out in the middle of the day that's what brunching means that's straight up disrespect so disrespectful I was like well social calendars are secondary to me so and I said and I would think that they would be for you too and then we haven't she was like when are we going to talk I was like never oh so you're over her

Yeah, every time I think about talking to her, I just, like, it's that rage that comes to here and you're like, you're like, I'm not in the mood to get into it. Yeah, I can't do it. Yeah. Well, you have to stand up for yourself on your career. You do. You have to fight for. People are going to walk all over you. It's a tough industry. When was the last time you were a sloth? No. Lexington last year, I think. I did a bike ride. I don't know. I did a bike across the country and then came back and worked full. I haven't been lazy. I would just. Tony Robbins when I was 17 I haven't been able to be lazy since Wait so How do you get the energy Do you drink a lot of coffee? I do drink coffee I just, it's like how my body works. I don't know 4 a.m.

And I'm like, go. Do you never? When do you wake up? I wake up at 3.37. What? When do you go to bed? One? What? I take a nap in the middle of the day. You let you take a nap at night. That's a nap. That's not sleeping. Oh my God. So you never like

I just want to binge some batch in paradise right now. Yeah, like, when do you watch all your Bravo? I will just stay up and I'll, like, force myself to stay up and just watch it. I'm like, just be a person and watch this. Does your boyfriend have the same, like, energy? No. Actually, I'm going to go buy a vibrator after this. We're going to Mexico together.

I'm going to be like, all right, I'm going to buy a vibrator because you ain't going to cut it. Oh, so you have a high sex, you have a high libido? You know, it's a dad that way? Can you explain that to me? It's because we create more testosterone, right? So that's what drives your sex drive. So that's where the big dick energy comes from. Oh my God. We're men. We're literally men. Well, it started to work at my mind. Like, I'm a man in that, like, if a guy likes me, I'd never think about a relationship. I'm like, we can fuck around for five months until I get bored. And people don't, they think I'm joking. They think I'm joking, and I'm like, no, I'm very scared of being in the wrong relationship and, like, it's fucking at my head. So, like, let's give me affection.

Like, I have that, but I'm also, like, I don't want to. It's a bad habit of mine. I keep doing that, like, four or five months things. I can fuck, like, two or three times a day, I think. But fucking a lot, like, that many days in a row might be a lot. Like, once a day would be good, but I don't think it's going to happen. Well, good for you. I'm going to go get some toys.

I'm, yeah. Yeah, and I think you want to be with someone who, like, lets you. I just hate feeling like, I want it, I want more, and he won't give it to me. Because that turns me on more. I'm like, I want it. Well, I want to go get that, the one that gives you the app, so he can control it from his phone, from anywhere. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, so you just put it inside, and then he can turn it on and turn it up, and it's crazy.

Are you into toys? No. But now I am going, everyone listening is like, now I'm into toys. There's something hot about that, especially. I actually have a long-distance relationship. I'm, like, turned on right now, actually. Normally I make jokes. Okay, this is the tough one.

When was the last time you let your pride get in the way of something? Oh, all the time. I just got to fight with my roommate. About what? She fucked a dude in my bed, I think. What? I think. That's my guess.

That's not even pride. That's just common decency. Well, I, like, lashed out on her about, like, everything. I was really mean. I was really mean. Can you be mean? Yeah, I can be mean. Good for you.

I can be 100%. sweet and nice and generous but I can be also the other way do you have an ego no I don't think so but like you will not let people step on your toes no you have to have boundaries not not having an ego doesn't mean you you can't have boundaries yeah you got to be so are you and your roommate cool we're getting there I just found like his e-sig thing in my bed oh my god and I was like what I was like does anyone want this because it's not my dogs. I talked to him and he said it's not used. He barked and told me everything. What was wrong with her bed? Well, she's had a friend crashing with us for a month

and a half. Oh my God, that's so disrespectful on so many levels. Yes, but I like, I was really, like I called her an adult unemployed person because she got fired and I was like, were you ever worried that now you have to deal with her? Not in the moment, but now I'm like, I'm sorry. We should have a conversation. I said things. You said things. You did things. When was the last time you lusted over someone?

Ooh. All the time. There's a hot guy in my gym. It's like so hot. It's not Francis, although I love Francis. Oh, yeah, Francis. Francis Ellis goes to your gym. He has a hot body.

He does up. He's really in shape. I was watching him at your show and I was like, look at his lats. They look so good. Yeah. I think he always. overcompensates because he's a ginger, but like whatever his reasoning is, he looks good. He looks great.

And then, do you find yourself so attracted to a lot of other people, even though you have a boyfriend? No. I never, I'm never really attracted to anyone unless they're like, really funny. And I'm like, oh, my God, I want to have sex with him right now. Do you ever worry that they'll take your limelight, though, if they're, like, obnoxiously funny? I don't, I, I mean, I let people have their limelight if they want to have it. Yeah, you don't take up too much.

space. Some comedians, they don't give you any space. You're like, okay, do you want me just start clapping? Like, what is this conversation? And then, yeah, I just let them go. And then I'm like, now I know, never to talk to them again. Do you have a celebrity crush? Oh, yes, Jeremy Renner. I know he's very short, though, but in my mind he's six foot two. Yeah, it's all about, that's what celebrities will do. You're like, he's perfect and tall and probably wears a backwards hat like no one other one who was with a bow and arrow I want his arrow in my bow mara you're amazing thank you I think you're amazing too to wrap this up I like to ask the same question every time what advice would you give people on how to cope with their hell because you've been through

hell and back maybe seven to ten times yes I would say get professional help like don't just think that you can do it alone like reach out there's a lot of ways it's there's texting there's like a bunch of different apps now if you feel like you can't afford it there's headspace not sponsored but a lot of people like to say therapy isn't for me they're wrong uh they're wrong maybe a certain therapist isn't for them i've had therapists that were not great for me but therapy in general you need someone that's gonna your checks and balances yeah yeah I would say definitely get professional help. When did you start going to therapy?

So late in life. Probably five, six years ago. Yeah, full time. And how did it change your life? This person instead of the man. Like if you would have met me before, I would have been like just, I did guys we fucked with Molly in my system. Like five years ago. Yeah.

And I was like, yeah, I went to a rave last time. And I was like, no, fast forward. And I'm like, here I am. I'm showered. I took a shower and I can clearly remember every guy I married. They didn't all mesh up into one in my head. Well, I love you so much. You're one of my newest favorite people in my life.

Where can people follow you? What are you promoting right now? And I'm at Happy Never After podcast. Not happily, happy. Happy, I know. I fucked up. I fucked up. No, I should have.

Everyone says it. Or you can just follow me on my Instagram app. Mar-A-M-A-R-A-M-A-R-E-K so many A's yes a lot of A's lot of ours um you guys follow me at Being Burns and if you enjoyed this podcast take a screenshot tag us subscribe rate review that's hard to say god damn it subscribe rate review and um I'll talk to you guys later bye Thank you.