Berner Phone - Mary Beth Barone: How To Thirst Trap & Drag His Ass

Episode Date: December 10, 2019

Hannah should have hated her after they first met, but Mary Beth explains why she wants to be difficult to work with, how to be more assertive, the real definition of fuckboy, why she is attracted to dudes who are emotionally unavailable, dating comedians, why she is the crop top athleisure queen, how she doesn’t have self deprecating comedy, how she doesn’t dress for men, obsessing about food, control issues, not letting guy’s distract you, why she quit wearing eyelash extensions, and why she doesn’t want to have kids. GET 20% OFF THE BEST PILLOW OF YOUR LIFE (NIGHT PILLOWS) AT discovernight.com WITH THE CODE BERN --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys, I just want to let you know that Burning in Hell has officially hit 1 million listens, which is kind of insane because I didn't pay anyone off, and I know it's not all my mom listening, even though I know she listens a lot. And I know you think that's weird that my mom listens to this, but she's a cool mom. Mom, I love you. But I want to say thank you to everyone who's been listening, and this is just the beginning for Burning in Hell. And I just love you all, and I'm being so corny, but I need to say it because it's how I feel.

Okay, enjoy this episode It's a really fucking good one What's up guys It's another day in the dark depths of fiery hell I'm your host Hannah Burner Today I'm with Mary Beth Barone MB squared I just made up that nickname

Hi girl Hi She's one of my favorite people One of my favorite friends She's been on Comedy Central She has monthly shows in New York City She runs the popular Instagram And show

Drag His Ass a Fuck Boy treatment program Yes, of course She's had Carl on it She destroyed him Most importantly She's also been on my Instagram We've done a lot of videos together Mary Beth, thank you for coming to hell

Oh my God, it's a pleasure to be here You're also kind of iconic in many ways but I remember one day the first time we met was not that iconic. Do you remember our first meeting? I do. Yeah.

I was doing a Bech's video, making fun to The Bachelor, and it started to rain. And I was like fully 40 minutes late. You were a solid 40 minutes late. Which like in my defense was where I don't even know where in New York City

this was being filmed. If you put a gun to my head and said take me back there, I would not know how to get there because I don't know where it is. And I was also still working at day job. at that time so I was like I'd leave at one to go film a sketch and they were like okay bye yeah and then I like got in a cab and it took me like probably an hour to get there and then as

soon as I get there and this is outdoors it starts raining as soon as I walked out of the cab and our experience was we're waiting for this new actress Mary Beth Barone and she we knew it was going to rain any second and we're like if she gets here right now we will be in the clear she didn't get there right now when she but it's funny she showed up and I still didn't hate her and I don't know why you continue to cast me in things even after that but I want to get I want a reputation of being difficult to work with so that was kind of step one I mean the real real talented people are difficult to work with if you're too easy to work with you're sucking up which means you're probably talentless exactly and insecure talent wins talent wins and I always ask to go first at shows now

even if I don't have anything else after and now everyone's copying me so now everyone tries to do it well everyone just wants to go first all the time and it's like that's kind of my thing well i think that are you do you consider yourself an assertive woman yes i'm so not assertive i will let anyone do anything no girl i mean how do i become more assertive just say everything that you're thinking all the time that gets me in trouble i know but you know what whatever what do they say about women getting in trouble well-behaved women rarely make history that's what they say women you go first in the lineup make fucking history we make history i'm sure no i'm sure people aren't copying me it's just like stop yeah because i want to go first and also if people are copying you

it means you're doing something right i always say like they can steal the recipe but it's not going to taste the same exactly thank you yes we're just saying random quotes yeah what else live laugh love so home is where the heart is what else um you kind of fuck boy's been around for a while i always like to say fuck boys have been around since the game of time they have been since the caveman The first known fuck boy was the Velociraptor, actually. T was little douchebags. Tea. Yep.

And I love fuck boy jokes. I'm trying to think of some. I compare them to babies on airplanes. Like at first they're cute. Then you want to murder them. Yeah. I compare them to empty calories. At first, you think they'll make you feel good.

But once they're inside you, you regret it immediately. Did you think, like, the fuck boy was kind of dying out or like it wasn't cool to talk about it all? Because it's been around for a while. what's your theory on the whole fuck boy trend overall i think that they've been around forever it's just obviously with new technology there's different ways to kind of execute being a fuck boy so i think there's more opportunity than ever to be a fuck boy unfortunately it's enabling the technology the technology is enabling and so am i so are we yes we continue to engage with these people but i think that's a self-hate tactic right yeah and like every generation has had their version of

a fuck boy I think like in the 90s it was a player you know maybe in like the 50s it was a philander like you were just able to get away with different stuff and also like you had access to a different level of like you know potential victims so now with you know dating apps and Instagram Twitter everything it's like there's just there's so many touch points who was the first fuck boy you ever interacted with like do you have a memory of when you were like wow these kind of people exist. If I go way back, definitely like high school, but since fuck boy has been like in the whatever lexicon, I don't, I guess it was, um, the first time I was like, oh my God, this is insane was this guy hooked up with in L.A. And we were both on Molly. And then he, we like took a $70

Uber back to his place. And he was being very, he was very nice, very hot. They always are in the beginning. They always are. We went back to his Airbnb because he actually lives in New York and he's a friend of a friend and we had sex and then he was texting me like for all the days following and I had to go to Minneapolis on the way back to New York like stop there for a wedding. And then when I got back, I remember I asked him to hang out and he responded like three days later being like actually I'm really busy right now. And I mean I didn't I didn't get enough information up front but like his follow through on the back end made me feel like, oh, we'll hang out again when I'm back in New York. Yeah.

And then it was like just absolutely not, not in the cards. Do you feel like you've had unfortunate luck or do you think you're actually attracted to fuckboys? I think it's both, but more the latter. I know I'm attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable and that's because I was in a serious relationship for like two and a half years and we lived together. We almost got engaged and I, when I started doing comedy, that's when we sort of like ended things because I had my own thing, you know, so subconsciously. Why didn't he like you having your

own thing? Or why didn't work when you had your own thing? We just built a life around like what he wanted to do. And I don't think it was necessarily, I don't think he's a bad person. I think he's like the best person I ever dated, but just wasn't right for me at the time. Yep. So I would say I'm subconsciously attracted to people who are not going to put me in a position to have to choose between a relationship and not. It's funny. I'm in the same place where I had a serious relationship for a I saw it. When I say a year, I mean nine months. Right. That in New York, that's three years. Like, he wanted to move in with me and stuff. And it was one of those things where it was all about his career and stuff. And you feel like from Disney movies growing up, you're like, oh, I found my prince. I found the guy on paper that I can brag to everyone about. And then you realize that princes are probably really douchey, obsessed with themselves. Don't give you the affection that you deserve, not even need. We don't need affection. We just deserve. That's why you date someone. for affection.

Yeah. And I think I've been just stuck with unavailable men, but now I'm aware of it. And I think people like you have helped me be aware of it. Well, I'm glad. I mean, being aware is a step towards changing your behavior, but it's such a small piece of the work. I think I'm going back to therapy. That's probably for the best.

Actually, I went to therapy because this guy, I got over it, I was good. And then recently we had a, that, that happens with fuckboys. They come back always. They always, they always come back. interesting Caroline Calloway just texted me okay let's read what it says she's inviting me to her party a party okay okay um just keeping you guys in the loop what's going on to my social life real time updates here but I realize my mom is basically like he still affects you and it's okay if after two years you're still emotionally traumatized by a relationship it can be 10 years it's like

there are things that you will still pop up always I the first guy the first serious relationship I had was like the guy I lost my virginity to was a long distance relationship and it was he was the years older about emotion unavailable oh my god just a lot of turning me on right now a lot I know careful don't slip out of that chair he was very I mean just I still have like a lot of even things I haven't unpacked I've been in therapy for like several years now where I'm just like he was at my brother's wedding because they're friends and I remember that yeah just see like I don't know it just brings it brings things back there are these little things that will just like flip that switch for you and it's it can be that was eight years ago my ex

reaching out to me made me feel like that like helpless quiet little sheep that I had become yeah and that's why I was and then I'm like oh that's why I've been going for all these guys I do this thing where I'll date someone for like five months and never want to be exclusive and then when I get bored I leave them and you could say I'm like cool or you can say I'm just like refusing to get hurt that's the thing I think that's the difference like you're attracting guys because they love that so we're getting stuff but we're not actually getting what we want you're not getting anything meaningful or that has like any kind of long term potential which if that's not what you want I think that's fine and right after I got out of my relationship I wasn't looking for to settle down at all

I wanted to like sleep around and have fun and do what I wanted to do and then it just started to feel really empty yeah and then I decided I didn't want to do that anymore but obviously like I don't know I was doing really well for like a few months and what is really well mean like I wasn't hooking up with fuck boys and it was great who are you hooking up I wasn't hooking up no there was a couple people that I was that were just like nice are they non-comedians one of them was a non-comedian and then I honestly I can't I like the other one was a comedian but he wasn't funny so it didn't count no I actually don't even I'm trying to think I haven't I haven't had sex with that many people this year because I was really trying to, I got I was actually assaulted at the end of last year, which we don't have to get into if the listeners are not wanting to be on board with that. So I decided I didn't really deal with it at the time because I just didn't want to. And then I like a month or so later, I kind of had to like just face it and like deal with it.

Yeah. So I met someone through a friend and it was at a show where I was performing. And then we went back to my apartment. And I wrote about the same. on my website because I had to decide whether or not to Venmo him for how much I had to pay to get antibiotics because they got a bacterial infection. So I was wearing a body suit and bodysuits are tricky because it's like once it's off it's you're completely naked. So we were naked making out and stuff and I was like I don't think we should have sex tonight. And then like maybe five minutes later he just like started having sex with me. And I didn't say anything because I was just like really caught off guard by it and he didn't wear a condom. And it was just like I just kind of let it continue to let it happen.

but I know like in my heart that I said I didn't want to and so he like left the next day or he left that night and I just like felt weird about it and then I was like really emotional this was right before Christmas I was really emotional over Christmas and I remember I was like about to leave to come back to the city and my mom was like what's going on with you and I just started crying and I said I was just I was tired yeah and then when I got back to the city I like texted her everything that had happened and she was like you know she handled it well but I just like started crying like uncontrollably basically it's hard for a parent because she like can't do anything like she probably wants to murder him but she can't take back what happened right so I felt like

right after that happened I had matched with someone on hinge who I went on a few dates with and he was really nice great guy didn't work out but I think after that ended because I basically wanted to dive right into that to like avoid dealing with my feelings and then after that happened and so I got a bacterial infection, like right after. And it was New Year's. So I had to go to the doctor and my like deductible had reset. So it was like $700 for this doctor visit. And so I basically had texted him like, hey, I had to deal with that like after. Like, would you mind splitting it or whatever? And he was like, no. And then I texted him. And I was like, you know, what you did was sexual assault. And like, I just want you to know that like you're a terrible person, blah, blah, blah. And then I

blocked him as well. Do you think he knows what he did? I do because well I mean you he had sex with me without my consent. It's like you know that. I mean it may I think if there were more steps involved like if he had been like do you have a condom or like it was a discussion before because I'm not one to like just raw dog with a person I just met. Was he also like when I say I know when I say aggressive I mean like was he like a dominant type he's like six foot three maybe six foot four and like much larger than me. It wasn't like, but in my brain, I was like, well, maybe I should have pushed him off or I should have made him leave or whatever, but it's like, I think once that starts happening,

and that's the second time this has happened to me. The first time I was like 20 and I had no, I really liked the guy and I knew him. So I didn't feel like, I don't know. I struggled to kind of like deal with that as well. But this to me was very clear cut. Like I said, I don't want to have sex tonight. He started having sex with me with no condom and it was just like, what the fuck? Yep.

You know? I'm really happy and like thank you so much for telling that story. because I think that I asked what the situation was because I kind of had a feeling because I feel like 98% or I just made up that stat. But a lot of the situations are that like you're into the guy. Like you want to kiss him. You want to hook up. But you don't want to have sex. There's there's and that is a hundred percent like real. And I like I lost my virginity in that situation. Yeah. To a six, seven older football player where I said I don't have sex. And he was very aggressive. And. And. next thing you know I was doing something I'd like never done before and did not want to do especially with that person and then it's funny because other people I was just like crying the next day and I knew something was wrong but it wasn't like what you hear in stories no it's not aggressive and none of the like a lot of the experiences I've had with that have not been violent in any way it hasn't been a stranger in an alley they're coercing you like you know that

they know that you're not down for it and they're kind of they're forcing it yeah and you know I really struggled with it after because I don't do I think this person should be in jail for what he did no do I think he should I publicly shame his name and tell people not go to his restaurant I'm not going to do that but it's like and then you say the name of the restaurant right no I think like it's just tough because there really is no like method of recourse that's not the most extreme so like I actually contacted judge duty and I was going to bring him on there and make him pay me for the medical expenses and the producer of judge duty was like really on board and And then my mom was like, I will pay you not to go on judge duty.

And so I'm actually, I tweeted about it and a bunch of people venmoed me, which was very nice. Then my mom ended up paying for it. So I donated all the money people Venmoed me to rain, which helps sexual assault victims. That's awesome. And so I think it's also, it's a type of dude. And what sucks about it is like, yeah, you don't want them to go to jail. But the guy who had assaulted me, I had told some people about it. And they go, oh, my God, he was so creepy with my friend before.

Oh, my God. He'd forced my friend to go. Like, so I heard all these stories that's like, what he did, he does all the time. I know. It's, and that's too, that's the hard thing too. I called, I called my cousin who's a cop and he was like, you should, you should file a report, even if you don't want to press charges because he could have other people who have, like, brought these claims against him as well.

But I think it's just hard because it's like, then you're just dragging it on and then it becomes a thing where you're just like, oh, the girl who got like a, you know, it's just, it, there's just no right way to deal with it. And I'm happy running this talk also because I, like, I like, I. I was, like, upset, but then I was, like, fine, as in I think I, I put it real deep, real deep. I was good. Like, I was good. I was, like, I'm such, I would do things.

Like, I, like, did the slut walk, and I, like, would go to these meetings, but I was, I was, I was like, I'm good. I'm not fucked up. And then I realized I am fucked up, but also that I hate, um, random sex with strangers because it's, it just puts me in that place and that mindset again. And, like, if anything goes weird, I, like, immediately have PTSD. I'm like, oh, it's a time. I had no control and it really didn't feel good. Yeah. I was not into it.

So that's why I have trouble hooking. I don't like random hookups. I did get Chlamydia from a lacrosse player, which was like the one random. Who has not gotten Clemedia from a lacrosse player? I'm trying to make clemedia, you know, a little more socially acceptable. Okay. I want to say something on that. But I also want to say that people who are listening to this might be like, well, about me.

Like, you put yourself in that position because you were naked with a person you didn't know that well. And he was in your bed, in your house. and like you should have known better. And it's like all those thoughts are obviously thoughts that I've also had. But I, his action of having sex with me, sexual intercourse. Yeah. that was him. That was his decision. And by doing it without my consent, I didn't have a choice. You know what I mean? So I think everyone has their opinions on like what is assault and what counts and what doesn't. And I know there's gray areas too. It's like if both people are really drunk and the girl regrets at the next day or the guy regrets the next day. And you're asking a friend to like stay at the bar and not leave.

You know when you're coercing her and she doesn't want to do it. Like, I'm trying to make it in relatable examples. Yeah. And, but I also think it's cool to talk to you because you are such a strong, successful, assertive woman who still had that experience. And you're grinding through it. You're going to be okay. But it totally makes sense that it's affected your relationships going forward.

Yeah. This year has just been different than the past. I think that was like a turning point for me. But I think waking up with regret and being assaulted are different. And sometimes it's hard to parse those out when you have been drinking or whatever. But like, you know when it, you know when you didn't consent to something. 100%. So why did you start the drag his ass show? I started the drag as ass show because I have had, you know, several years of experience with fuckboys at this point.

And I just decided I want to stop doing what I'm, I want to stop my behavior. I want to treat myself like someone who's addicted, someone who is suffering from addiction. So I bought a whiteboard and I kept it in my apartment. was counting the number of days fuck boy free and i wanted to get to 100 and that was my goal and i just i had gotten to like 69 days or something and i posted about it on social and people were very encouraging and very like supportive and they wanted to know what my treatment process was so i decided to do a live show where i talked about my six-step program and then i had other comedians come on to talk about their experiences and then that kind of has evolved into like this whole other

thing that makes me happy i feel like it's involved to something so much bigger which is so cool follow drag his ass on Instagram. It's so fucking funny. She just pulls so many different quotes and experiences and memes and the submissions must be hilarious. The user submissions like keep me going day after day. It makes you feel less alone though, right? It really like, yeah. And I think some days I worry like, am I going to run out of content?

And then it's like, nope. You never. They just consistently deliver. Do you think that you are more knowledgeable about targeting a fuck boy or like seeing if a fuck boy is a fuck boy early on the red flags? It's just, yes, probably, but I also think, I don't, one, I don't take my own advice. And two, and I say this in the show, a fuck boy can look like anything. They come in all shapes and sides.

Any gender, sexual orientation, religious, like, it does not matter. No. There are, there are fuck boys in every, it transcends like every, it's just in every community. So it's like, I can call myself out sometimes when I'm being a fuck boy, but it can be empowering to be a fuck boy occasionally. It can be, but I, when I started noticing, when I started noticing, when I started, of noticing my own fuck boy tendencies that's when i really needed to make a change yeah because you can start becoming the thing that you're yeah yep yeah this is my number one fuck boy um red flag that is

seems to always work to know if he's a fuck boy if in that first date he says that he likes you he calls you beautiful or says anything about your future in the first date yeah that is the fuck boy I think it sucks because the bar is so low that like we just assign meaning to things. Like I, the worst I've been hurt in the last like three years was this one comedian that I went on. It all happened very quickly. Yeah, but he called me to make plans. He would text me constantly. And it was just like he got a cab for me to come to his apartment.

And I was just like, oh my God. This is I, I just. He's the man of my dreams. I felt like a princess because I was being treated like a human being instead of a dormant. And I think, I mean, that ended up really biting me the ass for just even buying into his bullshit. But he knew what his competition was. He's like, if I get this bitch in Uber, I can get anything I want and how I want. So now are your standards higher?

No. I mean, it's either, it's sad, but it's like you either hook up with a fuck boy or you're not hooking up. I feel like if the guy's overcompensating in any way, like, he's trying to overcompensate for his dark shit that you're going to deal with later. Oh, I mean, hooking up with comedians, I've said this before. I'll say it again. That will stop. One, stop, but two, they're the worst people to hook up with because they are emotionally,

they are very introspective. Yes. But they're also emotionally unavailable. So they will dump a ton of emotional baggage on you and then they will just dip out. And I say it's like, and they're deeply insecure. Oh. You have to gas them up constantly. Yeah.

It's like, but yeah, it's just hard because I feel like normal guys, like, what am I going to date a banker? Like normal guys are so boring to me. And I think that's the problem. Yeah, the problem is our job in life is conversation, observation, observation, making people smile and laugh. And that's pretty much the number one thing you could do on a date is make someone laugh. They don't remember what you look like necessarily or what you said.

They remember how you made them feel. Yeah. And we bring joy to the world. We are Mother Teresa's. That's what we are. You're welcome. And that's why we get paid so much. Obviously.

We are in this fancy studio. Yeah. So we, like on these dates, I entertain myself. I ask a lot of questions and then I make little comments on them. But then all the works on you even more. This is why I think dating is difficult as a girl. It's because we are dating them to see if they're, our boyfriend potential. They're on a date with us first to see if they will fuck us.

So I find that I have to awkwardly break up with. a lot of dudes after a first date because they're like yeah I'll fuck you and like I probably would fuck them but I'm not in it for that. That's not what you're looking for. So that I have to be like I'm not into this because like you're boring and I made that date fun. Yeah. I'm taking full credit for any enjoyment of that date because you could have been a wall. Honestly it could have been a solo Patreon podcast and I would have liked it. And I and I think that's what I found when I was on the apps just like which I'm not anymore but it was like oh I mean I could yeah it's like I don't want to be bringing everything to the table.

Bring something. I feel like there are guys, though, out there for us that aren't comedians that will be cool and funny. Okay, show me one. I haven't found one yet. I'm sure they're out there, yeah. Do I think they're in New York? Probably not.

I also, if you're a normal guy, don't, like, obsess about the comedian thing. Don't obsess about, like, followers or fame. It's the biggest turnoff. I've literally just had people DM me going, why are you famous let's get a drink what like it's just the weirdest the weirdest stuff i've gotten that is so just um i'm exhausted just drives me out i know you're very beautiful you're very confident and i love your style because i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna own up to it i love crop tops but you are the crop top queen like i say i'm like two or three in the community you're one thanks i've made a

community of crop tops and it's the community we've been asking for when did you start dressing with tops and high-wasted pants every day? Probably two years ago. Why? I think I just, well, I don't know. It's just like my, my outfits on stage have had like a metamorphosis because I used to wear like, I used to get dressed up. Like I wanted people to know that I like respect what I'm doing, which is performing. But then I would watch tapes and myself and I would be constantly like adjusting my clothes. Yeah. And so I decided to kind of go more into athlete, which is a lot of like leggings and crop tops to get the proportions. Yeah. And now I do more of like, Kelly Jenner wears it. Yeah. I mean, it's very fashionable. But now I think I am more in like the

athlete slash like streetwear. Yeah. And there's just when when I'm thinking about outfits, I'm thinking about like proportions and like making sure that I look like balanced on top and bottom. So just the best, I love wearing high waisted pants. Also like the thing I hate most about myself is my stomach. Okay. So I want I don't want to ever worry about like things. spilling over or feeling like I constantly have to pull my pants up. So that's just what I feel most comfortable. Oh, I would wear pants up to here if I could, literally. See, I decided because I found out in college that I had a really long torso and little

legs, um, I didn't know this, but my friends told me, made sure I knew it. Thank you to them. Thank you to them. So now, if I don't wear high-wasted pants, I look like I have little nubs. I walk around with little nubs. And then it makes my torso look less long. So I kind of look like a normal human with the high-wasted pan. And I also think comedy people are like, you want people to hear your jokes and your voice.

But as women, like fashion is such a big part of our identity. So I kind of love that you do put thought into your outfit. Do you ever get afraid, though, that it's going to take away of like a certain joke because it's like you put effort into your outfit? Well, I don't really have jokes about being like a sloppy, messy, fucking like self-deprecating whatever, which that's just not my voice. Because that's not who I am. So I think what I've tried to find is the balance of. dressing well but not you don't want the audience to to think that you think you're better than them yeah so you can't go to you can't lean too hard into it not self-deprecating comedy which i think

is like the token voice that people have but you're also yourself aware so it's that funny combination of like you're this Connecticut girl yeah who has certain benefits but is aware of her benefits yeah and then yeah there's a relatability to i don't know it's a real tough balance that you've had how long do you think it took you to reach that kind of balance because i know you didn't just start off that way yeah what i mean a lot of the jokes i say on stage are from like actual conversation like things that have just come up and talking to friends or whatever it is and so i think people have told me like oh you off stage and on stage are like the same which is true it's just it is genuinely i'm just presenting like who i am in a comedic way and i think that's what like

most comedians are trying to do but um i don't know i guess i just never it just sort of like happened just by me being honest and, like, truthful about my experience. And I think if any male comics are listening to this, I want to get through to them that I'm not dressing for them. I don't want their approval. I don't need it. And maybe you should take a break from holding a mirror up to society and hold one up to yourself. I don't care what you think of my outfit. Those were snaps. It's, it's, oh, my God, I love that so much. I also, I'm, I'm not like Miss Fashionista, but your outfits are always just so. you. And I think that's also what people, if people are listening and they want to like get into

comedy or something, make your humor you. That's what makes it funny. Don't think of like what society thinks is funny or what society thinks is hot. Same thing with like your body and yeah. And the thing is with outfits on stage for comedy, you can either make it something people don't think about. Yeah. Or you can make it complimentary to what your style is and what you're saying. Yeah. So I think that's what I try to do. And like I look at people who sing and they can wear whatever the fuck they want it's a performance like you see people at like the AMAs or whatever was last night it's like they're wearing like a corset and tights I'm not going to do that for comedy but it's like I should be able to wear yeah I mean I should be able to wear whatever I want I also think when

you're posting into stories and you're doing a show that night I like to see what you chose to wear it's fun I always comment in it you you tell me um alpha deeds when I need it of course um do you ever feel days though that you don't feel confident what you're wearing So you found like a real formula that you love. Yeah. Well, I just buy things that I feel comfortable in and I try for a long time. I was like buying things that were either too big or too small and then I wouldn't wear them.

So it's like fill your closet with things that make you feel good. You're right. Like I have like really slutty stuff and then like really street wear stuff and sometimes you just want to be you. Or just wear a boat. Like you want to wear a little of everything. And it's like that's there's, I'm pretty like bored by women's fashion right now. Like what you'll find it like J.

crew and made well and like zara and stuff i think you know it's you just need to find the stores that sell clothes that make you feel good and then just buy them where do you typically shop right now i shop at kith yes and the real real and you know random stores kind of in the city i don't and brandy mailville it takes an eye yeah but i love that um what's your worst habit now we're getting dark my worst habit is probably uh obsessing over what i eat okay what are your eating habits right now i probably eat like two meals a day and then like snacks intermittently but i think i've had such like a journey with my body and just like my weight and stuff so it's just finding the balance which i think i have right now but obviously thanksgiving's

always a little bit stressful because like you're going to be eating a lot and you just can either beat yourself up about it and be obsessive or you can just like enjoy the day and know that everything will balance out that's the that's the word you have to trust is like trust your body it will balance out and also you just because it's Thanksgiving you don't have to fucking pig out you don't and I actually was pretty good about it last year I just made sure that I like whatever works for you you should just do and if you fuck up quote unquote fuck up on thanks whatever that means to you if you do it it's got everything to be fine I also yeah you're not fucking up by eating a lot of stuffing because your racist uncle is pissing you all

off and it makes you, kind of puts you in a food coma for two minutes to actually calm down for a second. Right. Good for you. You're not fucking up. Do what you got to do. And having empathy for yourself. Just have empathy.

Yeah. I mean, I would argue that stress is actually the worst thing for you, not eating the extra stuffing. So like, eat it, have empathy. And next thing you know, listen to your body in the morning. You probably won't be that hungry. Yeah. And just go to bed.

Because you're going to be fine tomorrow. Everything is going to be fine. It is tough because you're always putting yourself on. stage and putting yourself out there. What's your, when was the last time that you like had really bad anxiety about something? I made plans with a guy and I was so sure he was going to cancel and I had a show that night and I really wanted to go first at the show, but I couldn't go first. I actually did have plans that time, but I was at the show.

They took an intermission. I was super tense. I'm like, the longer I wait to go up, the more like probability there is that this guy's going to cancel, which if you're having to. having those thoughts you shouldn't be hanging out that person but i don't again don't listen to my own advice so because you were so nervous about it yeah i was just like oh i'm going to get off stage and he's going to text me that like it's too late and we should just hang out another time like you didn't feel like he really wanted to see you i just felt like if something else popped up for him to do he would just

do that yeah so then i went on stage and i told well and the yeah it was just like a recipe for disaster but i told my opener and then i forgot what the next joke was that i wanted to say which has knock on what has not happened to me in years, but I was so anxious that I, like, just couldn't even, my mind was somewhere else. My body was at the show, but my mind was somewhere else. My biggest pet peeve is when a man distracts you. And that comes from, like, my past of my dad, literally when I was 12 years old, being my coach and being like, I don't care what you do, just never let a dude distract you.

And like, you shouldn't take that too far because men will distract you and it's fine. But when you're like doing your thing and a dude is in your head, it's not fucking right. You should be enhancing your shit. And same way with you with him. Like, you shouldn't be distracting him from his shit to, like, help each other. Yeah. I love how quick you had that answer. But also, anxiety is trying to control the future.

So you, like, trying to plan that out and think it out is just you trying to control and stay sane. Yeah. And feeling out of control with these boys. Well, I have control issues. So I channel that into food and my body and working out and my career in a healthy way, I think. With boys, it's just, like, it's just my element of chaos in my life.

And I think that's, it was, it had settled down for a while this year, which was great. And then I kind of reintroduced. I relapsed once. Yeah. And then it just kind of set off this like chain reaction. And I'm still kind of picking up the pieces. As a control freak and type A person, boys are tough because you want to control them as like everything in your life.

You want to, and boys are dumb. So you want to be able to manipulate them. I want to put them in a little box with bow on it. Yes. And I've figured out, you can manipulate any men to somehow like, date. you or like you in a certain capacity but you don't win when that happens then you're stuck with a dude who you didn't realize has serious fucking issues then he's in your head and the next you know go therapy for three years so girls it's not worth like I'm in this new thing where I'm not forcing

anything well that's my whole thing it's like dating should be fun that's kind of my thesis these days dating should be fun and it's not fun right now for me so I don't want to be with someone if I'm not having fun it shouldn't be hard that is so beautiful I have a new thing too that when my friends are like, what should I say to this text or like, what do you think about this? He's not the one. If you're, if you don't know how he feels, that means he doesn't like you. You know when a guy likes you. But you're so right.

Even if like it is phone when you're with him, but every time you're not with him, you're just stuck in your head and stuff that's not actually fun. That like, and you probably aren't even having real fun when you're with him. No. Sometimes I love, I know I have all my jokes. Like, do I like him or is I just, am I just tall? There's so many girls who talk to me, they're like two months in with a guy and I'm like, do you actually like him or are you just trying to get him to like you yeah well that's that's one of

the things i had at drag his ass in august is like bad signs and one of them is like if you don't actually like him i realize my ex-boyfriend i never even liked him there have been people who i've gone on multiple dates with and slept with who i'm like how did you end things because i don't even like your personality like remember like remember those moments like in a cab with the guy when you like, he's talking and you're like questioning everything that you've, every decision you've made in your whole entire life. It's truly, it's truly upsetting, um, in a lot of ways. Yeah. My one friend, she just went to visit a guy. And for four days, they just like had sex and went out to dinner and went sightseeing. It was like the bachelor for like four days. And she came back

and they talked a little back to New York City. I think I know who you're talking about. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah. And she was so upset. Why was she upset? She was upset because he like stop talking to her and I was like I know and I go wait wait wait wait when you first started talking about this who's just going to be a boy toy and she's like yeah but we hit it off and I'm like you don't actually like him you experienced a bachelor moment which was like I will have fun with anyone for four days fucking and him treating me like a princess but she would never treat me if we were just like going to the grocery store because we're dating like he was like he made her a cheese platter I go yeah that's like fantasy world for four days I would have fun with a literal pet rock

for four days they were in a gorgeous place and then the way I got her out of like the dark was we like realized together I was like what do you like about him what do you like about him and she's like well he's kind of boring and like he's like not that fun to talk to on the phone I'm like so that's number

one if you can't talk to the person on the phone if I ask what you like about the person and you name two things you don't like bad sign okay um this is I have one more question when was the last time that you didn't feel like yourself. The day I moved into my apartment that I live in now, which was in

October. Okay. And it's in the West Village, which is really nice. I live alone. No, I have a roommate. Okay. We're not there yet. But, yeah. Yeah. And I like having a roommate. Then we'll see. We'll see. I had not had an apartment for the month of September because I was, I moved out of my place, went to L.A. for two weeks. And then I wasn't in the city for most of September. And I had my roommate's wedding, which I was officiating the first weekend in September. And then I had my brother's wedding, which both... Oh, is that the one that I think is hot? Probably. Yeah. Okay. And then both of my serious ex-boyfriends were going to be at that wedding. Then I move into my new place and this guy had been hooking up with who told me he was going to help me move, which he offered, I did not ask.

He ghosted me for two days, didn't respond to my text. To help you move. Did not help me move. But he told you he would. But he told me he would. Did you have sex with him? No, I hadn't had sex with him at that point. Okay. So then we're not going to get, we're not going to get into that. I didn't like him until he didn't help me move. And I was like, I need it. I need it.

So then I moved into my new place and I just hadn't heard from him all day. And I was like, I had felt so unsettled for the month of September. And it just felt like so many things were up in the air. And I just like, I had invested time and like emotional labor with this person. So I just felt like I felt insane, to be honest. And I cried a lot. Because you felt like you made it. up in your head. I just felt like disappointed and sad and like I've been let down and I was excited to

be moving into this new place but I was very comfortable in my last apartment. I had to go to relationship with my roommates and like moving this day is one of the most traumatizing things you can do. Yeah. And it was like I think that weekend like my roommate was going away and I know I was going to be in the apartment alone and I didn't even have anyone like I've lived in New York for eight years and I didn't even have anyone that I like wanted to text to come over and hang out. And I just felt like sometimes you're forced to face like the consequences of your actions and what my actions have been for the last three years is to just put my career above anything else and that has definitely had you know it's it's their consequence to that which are you're going to be alone I've actually had that moment this last

weekend I was crying because of my situation I was crying so bad and all you want to do is talk to someone but I didn't want to put my emotions on anyone but once I calm down then I talk to people and it's easy but like in that moment I wish I had someone that I could just like cry to over FaceTime, and then I got sadder because I didn't want to call anyone and burden them. Right. And then you're crying more. And then you're like thinking about your childhood when someone said something really mean to you. Do you cry often? See, I don't either. I never cry. I'm not really a crier. I used to be, I guess, but I am very like, I have a lot of emotional walls up now. And I think, um, I mean, I, I, I'm in therapy, so I'm constantly talking about

things, but I just don't let them affect me as much. Have you seen therapy help in any specific ways? Oh yeah. I mean, it's funny because I feel like the thing you go to therapy for ends up being the thing you talk about the least. Like I went to therapy for my body image issues and I've made like huge strides in that area. And now I'm mostly talk about like dating and relationships and like friendships and family. Yeah. It's it's because the whole point of unpacking is like, yeah, this is what you're giving me. But like let's get underneath. Yeah. what the real issue is. We're going to play our first game.

You're doing amazing. It's called Instamosity. If you don't know and if you don't follow, that Mary Beth Barone, she has the most tasteful thirst traps in the game. That's really introduce her to people. This is Marybeth. The most tasteful,

you can literally show your butthole and I'd be like, she is so tasteful about this. Thank you. I like never post that many thirst traps unless I'm doing an ad and I feel like I need to get more likes on it. I'll do it throw a bikini pick in, holding a truly.

Of course. But the way you are sexy, but it almost seems like it's for the girls. It's always for the girls. Maybe that's why it's so tasteful, because the way you're doing it is like fashion and posing and trendy and like things that I appreciate. It's never like, oh, this is so a guy wants to fuck her. But guys probably do want to fuck still. And you can't, that's not your fault.

It's not my fault. So I want to talk about Instagram. Okay. Do you remember, well, first of all, do you delete. photos all the time. I archive stuff a lot. Okay. This is a new thing to me. Why do you do that? I just, well, I had a lot of posts on there with like my family for a while and I decided that I just don't want to open that door for people. Not that I think I'm so famous that people are going to stock my family. But it's like that's just part of my life that I talk about in like a very

narrow view of it because I don't, it's not it's just my fan. I chose to be a comedian. They did it. Yeah. So it's like just I don't need that. And then I mean, mean, I've had Instagram since 2011, so I had a lot of old posts and then just like, I got the, I just had this weird feeling one day where I was like, I just, I want to be in control of what people know about me. And I'm very open about everything. I will talk to anyone about anything on the record, off the record, whatever. But I was like, there's just some things on here that I don't want, I don't need up anymore. So I archived a ton of stuff. Because you have a large following, but you always have like a dainty amount of photos. Let's just say your ratio is.

Out of control. Amazing. Do you remember one picture on your Instagram where you looked happy, but you weren't? One specific instance? Probably like all the time. I mean, I don't. Yeah, probably all of them. Yeah. I love that answer so much.

Like every picture, I would say. But also, no, this is why you're having trouble answering, because you don't look happy. your photos. Right. Well, I'm not like, this is the funny thing. Someone the other day was asking me if I was Italian and I was like, yeah. And they're like, you don't really give off like Italian energy. And I was like, I don't give off any energy. That's not my thing is like to be crazy. That's a good bit. Thank you. I mean, I just don't. I just don't. It's so, please write that down because you forget it's going to make me upset. Well, now it's on the record. Okay, good. Because it's so true. I have Italian energy as and I'm loud. A lot of people do. But we bond because you do have the, you do have the,

Italian like um edge to you it's subtle and they wouldn't understand that because was it a boy yeah they don't they can't see the nuances they don't they don't they're not perceptive they're not perceptive they um are basically like drunk children okay um who are you jealous of on instagram probably like Kim Kardashian I don't know I don't I try not I try to limit like the people I follow who make me mad or upset yeah but I think when you get to the level like legitimately mad uh when you get to the level where you can just post anything and like get so many likes and everyone just like adores you i think that's like that's goals i what do you think about instagram taking likes away do you think that'll help you with their

creativity no i don't what are they trying to prove i don't i don't actually know what they're just trying to fuck with us how would that ever be good for anyone they basically were saying that like for normal people but like for normal younger people who have instagram they're comparing too much and I'm like, they're going to compare other things if you take away likes. Yeah, like how they look and like how much money they have. It's like likes are actually a good thing to care about because it's arbitrary. Like, yeah. So there's, yeah, that's the deeper issue that we're not going to touch on this one,

maybe next episode. Would you date a guy with zero followers? I would date a guy who has no Instagram, but if someone has zero followers, what the fuck did you do? What are you running from? What are you hiding from? Then you're a troll. You've killed someone.

Or you're someone's Finsta account. Yeah. And you have no real friends. I would never. I mean, that sounds crazy to say, but like, how would that even be possible? Yeah, it's difficult. I would almost be impressive. I'd be like, are you in the CIA?

But if a guy didn't have Instagram, I think that would be awesome, actually. I'm like wet thinking about it. Like, show me. The guy I talked about first who I met in L.A., he had zero, or he didn't have Instagram. And I loved that. Is that even allowed? Is it legal in L.A.? He lives in New York.

That's why, thank God. What would make you delete a photo? Do you delete photos ever besides archiving? I posted a Thirstrap this summer and like I settled on it. I wasn't even happy with it when I posted it. And then I realized it just like wasn't me at all. Like it just was like. What wasn't you about it?

It just like the pose of it like everything was just like off about it. And I was like I don't even want this on my thing. Like I don't even want this on my page. Like it just it looking at it. I was like in the universe. Yeah. I just it wasn't it just didn't represent like my vibe what makes you want to pose a thirst sometimes I'm just like okay it's time like I've made them way long enough it's also like

masturbation I feel like the way I am with it is like I'll like have a sex dream and I'll be like oh my god I haven't masturbated a long time and I'm like it's time yeah sometimes just time work for me I'm like let's get it out also like I'm so psycho about what my body looks like that I'm like and not even like oh I work out so much and it looks amazing it's just like I would never post a thirst trap from like a week ago because I'm like my body doesn't look like that anymore. It's dishonest if I'm posting a thirst shop from a week ago. It's like I need to take it. Actually insane. Yeah. Okay. Just make sure. No, but yes. I do. But we're self-aware here. But I don't, I don't photoshop my thirst trap. That's something to keep in mind. I don't edit them.

Don't edit your photos because then you'll hate yourself in real life. I feel like my body's like, your body's always evolving. I think it's just kind of like embracing the changes of it. Like sometimes when I eat a lot, my thighs get thick and I'm like, who's that thick-ass-booty in the mirror? What's up? Well, I stopped getting lash extensions like two months ago and I was like, why am I a dog? Like, take me out behind the barn

because I don't deserve to live. And it's been a lot for me to be comfortable looking at myself without them. Okay, I'm actually really proud of you. I don't have like a big thing against it. I just, when they're not done well, I have an obsession with eyes and eyelashes. Like, I have a bad habit where I touch my eyelashes a lot

because it's like an anxiety thing, but I'm obsessed with them being organized. Like, I need them to be right. Like, I'll pull off on my mascara because it's, like, clumping too much. When I'm talking to a girl and one of her fake eyelashes is curved the wrong way. I'm like, bitch, get away for me.

Or one of them's like curled inward and it's like almost touching your eye. I can't even focus on the conversation. And I just, I've, to strangers, been like, can I please just fix your eyelash? Yeah, like, it looks pretty in a trendy way. But I feel like ultimately, it's like when you don't wear makeup.

if I don't wear makeup a lot I start thinking I'm hot and then if you just wear makeup all the time it's like your nails if you always have your nails done then you see your nails without it you're like what are these discussing things yeah it's all perspective people

and I like that you were self-aware enough to be like do I want to live in this space where I only like myself with enhancements I'm just and ultimately I know the answer is no you look hot in both and to be honest I mean I love how we're just being so honest but I didn't even notice your eyelashes

thank you for saying that um how do you think your real identity is different than your instagram identity um uh i genuinely think it's pretty representative of who i am yeah and i would say like what i i post a lot more on instagram stories than i do on my feed because it's just like the feed it's there forever unless you archive stuff but i think i don't know i really don't i don't see it do you see a big difference i feel like i'm pretty i feel like you're i feel like when people first meet you when you're in a group you can be like a little quieter and Instagram is you just magnified where like it's like you when you have the mic like Instagram gives you the mic and you're like actually I think

more so yourself where like I think because you're quieter people can not see like all your humor or like your sick mind yeah but Instagram is just all your sick mind and also you're like it's you show this like sexual side to you in such a okay I'm still not over the thirst traps can you give us a tip Can you give me some moves that I can do? Like your token moves. Also, like you take it alone. Tell me how that works. Like, just give me a quick little, like a little, just tips and tricks.

I mean, lighting is everything and feeling good about whatever you're wearing. And then I would say when you're doing it by yourself, you want to make the lighting is so important because when you do like selfie camera, like the front facing camera, you can lose like picture quality if you're not lit well. So I would say and just take as many. as it takes to get the photo that you want don't judge yourself it doesn't matter no one's looking at your phone it's like if i have a hundred pictures and the one of them is the right one then i i'm i'm satisfied with that but sometimes it takes time i also ask for advice from people like i'll send like five to my because i look at it too long and i hate all of them oh me too yeah but i'll send like five of them to my friend kira and have her vote and then i know i'm making the right decision you know and like

it's it's it's going to be it's like it's so intimate yeah but i just like don't be afraid of to do it because it's fine and what are some poses that you like well the problem is that if you put like I don't really have a standard pose because people won't like the picture if it looks exactly like the last one you posted at least for me so I did the I put the camera like low so I got this girl did like a photo project for like grad school or something if like a year ago and she took pictures of me and she told me that men usually get photographed from below and women get photographed from above because it's like puts them more in like a submissive position whereas men are in more of a dominant position so I try to think about that when I'm getting my picture taken so like the last thirst trap I posted it was on the wind I did some where it was on the window cell here and somewhere it was on the window cell the below part and you just look it's like a power stance to be photographed from below that's enough see these are the fucking details that she is giving nowhere else will you find these details but in hell I love that because well your legs are

elongated when it goes lower and having that subtle like chin up and just like like what what like I could beat your ass if I wanted to I like the violent sub like undertones yeah and there are undertones and I would love to there's a lot of undertones yeah um we're gonna wrap this up with our final game okay the seven deadly sins how are you feeling how's your emotions yeah good she doesn't have much feeling so yeah that was a standard answer I'm shaking I'm shaking you're Chilates shaking. Is that chay latte? I smelled it and I am a glutton for ice chai latte, chylates.

What are you greedy about? Money. Oh. I love money. You love money. I'm obsessed with money. Do you save a lot? I used to save a lot.

And then I realized that since I don't want to get married or have kids, it's like, what am I saving for? So I just decided that if I want to buy a dress, I'm going to buy it and I'm not going to look back. But that's what you're making money for. Yeah. Sorry, we can't just go past that. You never want to get married.

married or have kids and you're sure. Correct. Why? I just, I see people do it and I think for some people it works and I know that for me it wouldn't. When did you decide this? Two years ago probably I'd say two minutes ago. You're like just on a podcast. I would say about two years ago. After the breakup. Do you think you're kind of like closing yourself off by, I feel like that's like the definition emotionally. Oh, 100%. Do you tell men this when you're dating? Yeah. I don't have anything to hide. And if you don't want to be on board with that, then get the fuck away for me. But is that you just coming in being like, there's no expectations with me, don't worry. Like, I don't want anything.

But it's true, but it's true. Why don't you want a child? I feel like a little Marybeth would be so cute. You were really cute when you were little. But like I haven't changed. You're not like children. Imagine this as a kid. I love kids.

That's why I don't want to have any. Because I don't think I would be a, I'm an incredibly selfish person, but I'm also very caring. And I think having like an extension of myself out in the world, I would just like lose my mind. It would be too much. for you? Way too much. Do you not want to be pregnant? Absolutely not. I think I would I think I would be so obsessive about gaining weight and my body changing that it would send me into like an insane asylum. I'm going to say something to you. I do respect your feelings, but I don't think that like you know until you know. Like I don't want kids right now,

but I think I will. But I don't think I will. Yeah. I don't want kids right now and I don't think I will in the future. But if you like meet this person and you're just they're just like let's create something together with our love. say get out right now that's disgusting for you to even think and say i totally understand the not marriage like i'm more upset about the kids um the marriage thing is like i just don't feel avoid i don't feel that instinct to like be a mom and i love my mom i i think i had a lot of attachment issues with my mom because i was just like obsessed with her and i just wanted to be with her all day and it's just like i don't really i don't think i can have the career that i want and be a mom

oh so you're kind of choosing one of the other right now which and some people balance it and I think that's amazing for them I think it's great to see it's just not the life that I want I feel like I'm going to find a husband who's like really good at cooking really good at cleaning like is going to take care of my children while I travel I think that's great that's what I want to aspire to I know it is but like all the guys I've dated have been like OCD and really good at cooking and like they feel like they have a purpose because I'm like oh I'm so helpless like I don't know how to clean right and they do it for me so we'll see I think marriage only reason I'd want to do it is to be like we're having a family we're locked in see that's that's why

I wouldn't I don't want to be attached to a man for the rest of my life or a woman oh my god okay it's said that I had this feeling my first boyfriend I got really upset because everyone was like Hannah and blank and I was like no I'm just Hannah and David Hannah and David and I'm like no I just want to be Hannah yeah so I do understand that but you have a kid with someone you're going to have to see them all the time. But what if they're like you want to see them all the time? Are your parents still together? They are. She nodded. We're on a podcast. Oh, sorry. They are together. 45 years strong. Do they like each other? Yeah. They have a great marriage. I have very healthy relationship, like role models. Does not make any sense why I'm like this. And your brothers are getting married.

I have two, I have three siblings who are married. And the other two are in like long term serious, healthy relationships. I think you're going through a rebellious stage. And I don't want to be like, I don't want to take away from your emotions right now but I just feel like I just put you on a pedestals and like you're gonna I just feel like everyone wants to marry you that's it's so crazy I have no it's not true I mean I mean maybe in the future I just like pick the fucking best one have a baby and do whatever fuck you want give me my options okay move here she's married best one of those friends that in my head is in my rolodex of when I meet a single guy that for whatever reason I can't fucking marry I then will um hook her up but we both have also I have terrible taste of men because my mom has terrible taste of men like does

your mom like fuck boyish guys no okay no and my mom's like take no prisoners like she just doesn't have any tolerance for bullshit or anything like that she gets mad at me when I'm like upset about boys my mom will when she finds out something bad you can't bring his name up around her oh my we'll talk offline yeah but my mom is also the kind of mom that would be like oh my god we you're at Applebee's and the waiter was so hot he was like six five and I'm like mom these are not the kind of guys I'm looking for right now and she's like no shade to Applebee's he's working he maybe he's pursuing his passion maybe he is but like he it was just like a duchy situation and like she doesn't care she's just like Hannah he was so hot and I'm like mom your shallowness like good looking

out she she she will find we have a same tasting guy and it's amazing but in guy singular um okay so oh where are we at we just agreed really went on a tangent there I'm only answered one. Okay, who are you envious of besides Kim Kardashian, which, you know. I'm envious of Emily Radikowsky. Everyone says that and it's, I'm kind of over her. Okay. I mean, I'm just being honest.

Why? Because she's married. Well, whatever. Brutal. Great for her. Good, good, whatever. But she just, like, her body just doesn't make sense to me. And I think it would be nice to have a body where you just don't have to wear clothes.

But do you, do you, who know? knows what's going on her head about her body. She might think she's ugly every second and she like needs constant affirmation. That's what she posts all the time. I don't know. I'm just saying no one's perfect, but if I'm saying who I'm envious of, it would be her. She does have a great body. But it's also like that's your focus right now.

It's your perspective on life. You're like seeing bodies. Exactly. Who's your like favorite comedian that you look up to? Amy Schumer. Cool. You think she's going to have a good comeback? I hope so.

Yeah. I really do. I'll watch her show on Hulu. I loved her latest special on Netflix. I thought it was great. The leather one? No, the growing. Growing.

Growing. Her pregnant. She was pregnant. Oh, yes. I'm behind on that. I need to catch up. It's really, really good. I was so happy for her.

Yeah. I've never met her, but if you're out there, Amy, I love you. See, maybe a baby. I've actually met her a couple times. Really? Yeah. She's cool. You guys have similar bitchy energy.

Thank you. What do you gluttonous about? Close. I want to go shopping with you sometime. I would love to. Like, I want to see how your brain works. that with page because you guys have eyes for things that I wouldn't see because I don't pick outfits I pick things and then I panic and I just pack random shit and the next you know I'm just

look like I played in my mom's closet um when was the last time you experienced extreme wrath I don't get angry much I got to tell you I'm pretty pretty even keeled when I got angry last was probably oh I know when when Lily sings still your joke Yeah. Can we talk about that for a second? Sure. So how did you find out? Lily Singh is a YouTuber. She has her first, she's making big moves as a female being the first late night female host or not first. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, whatever. The only one on right now is whatever, whatever nightly. She, my friend texts me when I was in the Kith dressing room. Of course. So first of all, when I'm at Kith, it's a spiritual experience. I don't want to talk to anyone. No. But when my friend texts me and says, I think that Lily sings still one of your monologue, one of your jokes for her monologue, I'm thinking, okay, it's like a loose premise about like dating or like fucking a 40 year old or like whatever it is I play the freaking clip and it's like word for word my joke and then I immediately leave kith didn't buy the shirt I went back and bought it later but I left kith I was fuming put it on Twitter put on Instagram have not heard a word from them about it they didn't say anything people tag

the showrunner in it and it was like I don't really worry about my jokes getting stolen because they're so specific to who I am and they're so from my brain yes and that just joke is like even just the way she performed it's like that was from my mouth but she did it like way less funny i know but that's not the point but also it was from was it on your comedy central yeah so it's not like you're doing this in like small in like a basement bar which i've done that joke in a basement bar and that's fine but yeah i i mean it was the it was the clip from my from my set so it was just like be better does this happen a lot in comedy i guess but like honestly i was i was happy that it was that joke because at least I had it like high quality filmed it's on the internet and it's someone way bigger than me as opposed to like that's what happens like the whole meme culture it's like the huge accounts who have all the power and the least talent take your meme and get credit for it and memes are you know whatever voice that you have it's it's painful and also like if you're going to brag about like hiring all these female writers and stuff then do better well their showrunner is a white straight white man so when I saw that

When I applied to write for her show, didn't get the job. I mean, you kind of did. Just you didn't pay for it for free, just pro bono. I was surprised that they picked a straight white man to be the showrunner. But you know what? It just sucks because now I have to hate her for the rest of my career. Yeah. It's fine.

I wrote a joke about it. It's fine. Great. Easy for content. That's what we do. What was the last time you were a sloth? Like you're, do you ever get like really lazy? No.

I really don't. Sometimes when I'm home at my parents' house, I'll fall into like, a watch TV for three hours type of thing but I'm pretty like regimented I try to I slept in a little today but I usually wake up at eight and try to start the day and like get my shit together get things done what's your typical day like it's honestly so different depending on like you know what my schedule is that week but usually it's like I'll wake up I'll go get breakfast do some writing or answer emails and then I'll do a podcast or I'll have a meeting or I'll just work on like some kind of content in your apartment not really I'm

I used to more when I lived in the East Village, but now my apartment just isn't as conducive to getting work done. So, and then I'll usually just have shows at night. You own coffee shops? I go on coffee shops. What's your go to coffee shop? Great, all gone car mine.

Even though they're on my shit list right now because I spent $30 on breakfast there yesterday. And I was on my laptop. And the guy was like, I'd finished eating. But he was like, it's kind of the lunch rush right now. So if you could just close your laptop. It's like, well, I'm still drinking coffee. So like, I'm still going to be sitting here.

What's the difference? I'm so upset by that. Also, does he? know that you're creating art? Like, do you know what art and culture do for the world? He doesn't know that I'm literally sitting there planning out my, when I leak my skincare routine. He doesn't even understand that. He doesn't understand anything. Um, but what's new? I digress. Um, you're like, I never get mad. Actually. Actually. When was the last time you let your pride get in the way of something? It's so different depending on the situation. Like, there was a guy that I, that things ended

with him in like August or July. And I at the time didn't say what I wanted, but now I have a joke about it so it's like ultimately it's going to be me that wins but in that moment i didn't feel like it i love the long game yeah it's all about the long game yeah the marathon not a sprint yeah when was the last time you lusted over someone um hmm do you have a celebrity crush or something well my celebrity crush does change i mean mark ronson john mayor i really like like those musician types probably the same musician douchebag is very different than athlete douchebag I know but they're still douchebags at the end of the day I'm trying to think when I was like oh my god I just want to like fuck this person with the strong F with a capital

F yeah probably like when I tweeted that I would eat Mark Ronson's entire asshole which was like two days ago I don't care I'm just being honest I feel like honesty is the only policy you should ever have. Have you eaten an asshole before? Okay, I love that you were like, if I would, it'd be with you. And you're confident about it. You're like, it would be amazing. Yeah. Um, final question for you. I came to look at you. You make me laugh so hard. Because she literally smiled during that whole thing. She just goes, this is a fact and this is what I'm going to do. It's serious. Did he respond at all? No, I didn't tag him in it. He doesn't know who I am. You should tag him next time. Never know. We'll see. He'll know who you are. We're manifesting.

What advice would you give people on how to cope with their hell when they're going through hell? Don't do it alone because no matter how much you think your friends or your family or whoever you trust is tired of hearing about what you're going through, they're not. And I, the most recent situation I've been in with a guy, I hid a lot of stuff for my friends because I knew that if I told them or I thought that if I told them they wouldn't be empathetic or sympathetic because I was digging my own grave essentially. They would be judging. A lot of the facts, and I just was choosing to ignore them. And then when I told them, they were, like, so overwhelmingly, like, affirming and supportive. And they didn't judge me at all, at least in the group chat.

I don't know what they're saying behind my back, but I quite frankly, don't care. And I think you just never have to, you don't have to carry the burden alone. That's what I would say. I think that's so beautiful. Mary Beth, thank you so much for coming to hell. Thanks for having me. Where can people follow you? What should they look for coming up?

You can follow me at Mary Beth Barone on Instagram and Twitter. Twitter, drag his ass on Instagram, and then, I mean, coming up got a lot of big plans for 2020. We'll be doing drag his ass in New York and L.A. Probably January for New York, February in L.A. And I'll post about it on my Instagram story, which is always updated with the latest. Always pop in. Also, I have shows coming up. I've won in D.C. in January. Oh, my God. D.C. Improv. Yeah. January 2nd. I think I'm going to have Brooklyn show coming up. I need to get Marybeth on one of these. We'll figure it out. Would love. Would adore to have you on. And get up for my Patreon also I have merch up I just got merch I got I'm putting tweets on

stuff like my favorite tweets yeah that's how Kanye did it and I was like I feel like I'm funnier than Kanye so I mean debatable but he's not a comedian not a comedian but I laugh at him funny in his own right um so yeah check on my merch henderbergr.com check out shows and I love you guys subscribe rate review and if you thought anything was funny screenshot and like tag us because we need that affirmation in our lives we love to see you it. And I'll talk to you next time in hell. Bye. Bye.