Berner Phone - Matthew Broussard: Handsome Autism & Long Distance Love

Episode Date: April 15, 2020

You've seen him on Comedy Central, Conan, Fallon and today, Matthew Broussard comes to hell! He chats to Hannah about how they hung out with Caroline Calloway the first night they met, the art of judging roast battles, how he fell in love with his girlfriend who lived in a different state, and being a good looking comic. Join Hannah's Patreon to get bonus episodes and get added to her close friend's list on Instagram! GET BEACH BODY FOR FREE BY TEXTING HANNAH TO 303030 --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You guys, welcome to heaven. Just kidding. You're in hell. It's burning in hell. You know where you are. It's a hot one today. I have one of my new friends, Matthew Broussard. He just waved. We are filming as well. Matthew, thank you for coming. Thank you for having me. Do you ever go by like Maddie? No. No, I'm my best friend in college. was Matt as well.

It's like, uh-oh, it's going to be it's her forever. Who gets Matt and who gets Matthew? He was like, no, no, I'm Maddie. I'm like, well, that was my last choice, so I'm glad you chose that. So do you go by Matt ever? I do. I respond to either. Okay, because I got nervous.

My girlfriend calls me Matt. Oh, interesting. And I think my dad did. And then my mom, I think, calls me Matthew. When she's mad at you, does she call you Matthew? No. She should. She needs to establish dominance.

Matthew, my best friend, I've had a lot of friends named Matthew. My best friend growing up was Matthew. Garcia and she when I remember his mom would go Matthew Stephen Garcia when he was in trouble just in case it could have been someone else just in case there's other in their home but I I think I first met you I met you out okay I met you I was at the cellar with Nikki yeah oh my god this is crazy you guys was that that night oh my gosh so everyone knows Caroline Calloway got in this podcast and we we actually have the same manager now which is We're doing fun things.

And Caroline invited me for dinner. I'll give you the background on this night. And we talked about our horoscopes and our futures, everything you'd imagine. She gave me a flower. She's very into flowers. And then I got a text from Nikki just saying, like, hey, come by. When Nikki has shows, I love Nikki. She's been so kind of supportive and influential in my comedy career.

And every now and then, she's like, hey, come by and say hi. She's the best. The coolest. So I said it out loud. I was like, oh, I think I'm going to go meet up with my friend Nikki. and she's like, Nikki Glazer, I want to come. And Caroline Callow, I couldn't say no. It's just the comedy scene.

Other people don't understand. I mean, it was hard for me to even be at the cellar, but to bring a random friend was also, honestly, I should have just said, you know what, it's not the right night. But I didn't because I don't have any assertiveness in my body. So I brought Caroline Calloway to the comedy seller, which if people don't know,

it's the most respected comedy club in the city, that Matthew is passed out. It's a very amazing thing to happen in your comedy career as a New York comedian. So I brought in Caroline and it was a wild. We sat at the table and had a wild conversation. She ended up leaving and Matthew was there. I was there. I didn't know who she was until weeks later, by the way. I didn't piece that together. I had no idea. No one knew who she was. Yeah. Did you do some digging? I've spent, you know, three days really delving into it. I went once I pieced it together because I was like trying to piece together who it was a week's later talking to someone and they're like sounds like Caroline Calloway and then I'd read all the articles I'm like well clear my calendar Diane we've got some sleuthing to do she's a fascinating human yeah I met you there then we recently were judges at a roast battle yeah which is so fucking fun it's the most I did it last night too it's so fun you it's the most You love it. I love judging. Having been a competitor, you know, enough times now. Do you like roasting people? It's more pressure because it's so much more preparation you have to do. It's an hours

of work and then you want to win. Studying people's lives that you would have never looked so deep into. Right. You're like, I don't need to know this. And coming kind of, kind of like dark, you know, I mean, like looking into people's worst aspects and, you know, being mean and trying to find their boundaries. But judging is so fun because there's no preparation. I don't know. Judging, like, these people just poured their hearts out, like, trying so hard. And we were just like, yeah, I like that one joke, but I didn't feel it. I didn't feel it.

I always try to be a little sympathetic of, like, even if I make fun of them, I'll, like, try to make sure they leave feeling good about themselves, not necessarily their jokes. It's bad jokes. They have bad jokes. I can't do anything about that. True. It was actually the first time I've ever judged. And I asked for advice, and people were, like, just, like, roast them, roast them, and then give your opinion. But when you had your notebook and you, I was observing how you were doing it and you were, yeah, you were

complimentary, but also you, you like knew the art of it all. Oh, thank you. And you, I mostly bring my notebook to score because I noticed Jeff Ross does that where he's, because you become, you're so partial to one person instantly for some reason that you have to actually keep track of how many jokes missed and how many hit. And if someone got like four out of five, the other person got two out of five, it doesn't matter who you like more. You have to give it to the person who had more jokes land.

That is fascinating, how we don't think about that. but we already have a whole, like, pre-judgment of people when we meet them. That's one of the things I like about roast battles what to teach you about comedy is how much is instantly assessed in a person. Because I think it is important in comedy to kind of, I mean, depends on your voice, but you want to be likable. Like, the audience, you want to be likable. And some people might just be like, your face reminds me of my shitty cousin, I don't like you.

Something like that, yeah. And that's why opening jokes are so, they have to be perfect. Oh, I've learned that, I've learned that too. Yes. And also, I've learned that sometimes when I first started, I would skip the whole, like, a Tenomi thing, and I would just try to make them laugh. And then I realized, like, oh, there's no connection here. Even if it's just, like, something about your birthday in the beginning, you have to feel, like, open. So how long have you been doing comedy?

Eight and a half years. And where are you from originally? I grew up in Georgia and Texas. Oh, wow. Yeah. I don't see her a drawl, really, though. No accident. Yeah, my dad didn't have it.

one so I talked like he did interesting and when did you move to new york city we're meeting each other right now you guys are experiencing and you're from where are you from i'm from brooklyn originally brooklyn oh yeah that's right um um brook cut your throat it must be so weird growing up here i think it got to be so cool to grow up here um i moved to new york yeah the average upbringing three years ago in new york for almost three years you're fresh yeah so what was the comedy seen like in texas i was only there doing comedy for two years uh great houston So a big city, lots of stage time, and it was at a weird lull in our comedy scene, so there wasn't that much competition. And now it's really picked back up, and there's a lot more people taking part.

There's a lot more great venues, like The Secret Group. I want to know kind of what leaned you towards comedy. What did you do before that? Give me some beef. Oh, the spiel? I was working in finance out of college, not like a serious finance job, kind of just like a 9 to 5. You're like, I wasn't a complete finance douchebag, but I was like. Teetering.

Hardworking or smart enough. I was about a year out of college, and I, I don't know. I crept into my mind through probably a series of events. I was just like talking to people and watching a little bit of comedy that, like, anyone can do it. And I saw a flyer for an open mic, and I started. But I had no real performance background, no acting, no, none of that. My parents beat that out of me.

Thank you. You have a, like, do you do voiceover work? No. Yeah, you should. No, this is a great voice for about 20 years ago. If you listen to the commercials now, this is. the last thing they want. Every commercial auditions, like, no,

no, what's the word? Announcery. They're like, no announcery voice because it used to be like that super machismo in a world. And now if you listen to commercials, it's very soft. I like, all for a man Julian, it's a great car, buy it, or don't, we don't care. I think it's like a pushback to

toxic masculinity. You're right. But I do think there's some like new yogurt commercials just for men that I think that's like yogurt, it doesn't have to be feminine. Do you see that bubble butt commercial? No. Oikos the bubble butt montage? It's a Super Bowl commercial. See, Super Bowl, I

missed all the commercials. It's brilliant. It's such a brilliant commercial. I'm sure there's a lot of people listening, but it's Oiko. They don't reveal it to Oikos until the end. But it's just footage from the combine is just this guy doing his 40, and it goes 6'7, 330 pounds.

Wow, look at that bubble butt. Look at the power. And then bubble butt starts playing, and it's a montage of all these NFL players. you know, like dancing in the locker room or jumping to absurd heights and it all focuses on how strong their legs are. It's just a marvel.

And at the end, it's like, you know, 15 grams of protein. And it's like, that's a brilliant marketing. And they made the yogurt like black. So it's like cool. So it's manly. Like, God forbid you just eat a normal gogurt. Actually, gogert's worth of shit.

Isn't it crazy that like toxic magic doesn't the point where like eating yogurt, gay? No, it's too. Creamy, reminds me a cum. Why would that be gay? It's a dairy product. It's the simplest. It's a good meal.

It's filling its health. It's probiotics. And then they have to, like, there's so much stick when it attached to such an... And don't use a spoon. Just put it in your mouth. Get it out with your tongue. It's pretty gay to eat with a spoon.

That we have to, we have to tell men it's okay to eat yogurt is we've got a long way to go. We've got a long way to go. Well, I'm glad to be bonded over that. Also, I want to speak to, just because I'm fascinated. I love your girlfriend. Laura, she was an Olympic athlete. She was very close to being an Olympic athlete. She got fourth at trial.

She was about, like, 0.5 off. Well, speaking as someone who played on the pro tour for about a year, I totally get it. Because you're like, I mean, I play, I still, come on. I mean. I've had some mean comments where people are like, almost going pro. It doesn't mean you got pro, bitch. And I'm like, okay, Amanda, 2759, 9. in Missouri.

Shut the fuck up. But yeah, do you, how'd you guys meet? Instagram, I was a fan of hers. Stop for giving me cry. Wait, like you were a fan of her swimming? Uh-huh. How'd you know about her swimming? I'm a big fan of swimming.

Oh my God. I was, yeah, breaststroke specifically because that was the one I could do. Okay, don't be creepy. But, yeah, she was, yeah, I knew she was a national champion. I knew she was, you know, like national team, so. See, a lot of guys might be intimidated by that. Yeah. I know her name.

just from like result sheets and like reading articles and I saw an interview. I was like, whoa, she's hot. Because you don't know what they look like necessarily and there's some interview with her, like with her swim cap on, like fresh out of the pool. I'm like, she looks hot like that. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine if she had hair.

And her eyebrows weren't bleached from the chlorine. They've grown back luckily. Okay, this is fascinating to me because I feel like so many people talk about like the girls who like see the rich guy athletes and sign the DMs and try to whatever. Did you like athletic women in the past? Yes. yeah specific yeah swimming I'm just

you seem comfortable with your masculinity like you have yogurt every morning yes I do actually freak fiat no yeah I put it I have I have yogurt in a smoothie I make a smoothie every morning

for me and for Laura if she wants one did you guys live together yeah were you intimidated by her at all yeah yeah she's like tall and what's that how did you get the balls

oh the exact story of how we we message is a little weird. So I'd followed her and then kind of out of nowhere she had followed me because I think someone I knew also knew her and maybe had showed her my comedy or something. But I knew she was following me and I knew it must have been through a friend. And I was following her just as a fan since before that. Did you comment on her picks? No. No, it was some likes back and forth but all pretty innocent. And then I knew she was living in training in Austin and I was living in LA and I was in my apartment and I came across her on Bumble and I was like oh she must be in town so I took a screenshot just been like ha it's that

summer and then I swiped right and then didn't connect and I was like this is silly we have an open DM thread on Instagram you know I wouldn't even go to her other box it would go straight to her so I sent her that screenshot said hey are you in L.A she goes no I just left but let me know if you're ever performing in Texas and we started texting from there I was there a month later the funny part of this story is we didn't figure out until months later she didn't realize this part of it and I didn't realize this part of it when I sent that screenshot

it cropped off the top and the bottom where it says bumble so it just looked like I sent her a picture of herself and knowledge of her location that is so creepy super creepy wow but this goes back to the beginning something about you the initial energy she liked yes so she saw it

in a perspective of positivity where others may have called the police on you yeah she told me one thing that liked about me early on was she saw my stand-up or something, and she thought it was fine, and then she looked at my Instagram, and she saw a post where I had solved a math equation on my forum because someone said something on stage. I disagreed with, so I did some math in my arm, and then I think the next post was me actually proving it on, like, formally. And she was like, well, that's kind of cool. That's at least interesting. Oh, she loves a nerdy man.

When you were in L.A., were you dating? Like, was it hard to date? I wasn't seeing anyone too seriously now. Traveling was an easier way to meet women. Being out of town made it weirdly easier to meet women. The road, yeah. There's a very interesting phenomenon to me that I observe all of the singles that if I was trying to message a girl in town, it was more likely that we wouldn't meet up or would fall flat or something to see.

It would just never come around. So many, you know, likes on the dating apps. But if I was out of town and I told a girl within like the first three messages of, Hey, by the way, I'm only here for the week. Understand if that's weird. They were more likely to want to hang out with me. Wow. Fascinating. Yes.

Maybe we're all just a little emotionally unavailable. Right. And you know there's no pressure. You're so right. There's no pressure. Because it's not like these girls are just like, oh, I'm trying to fuck as many days as possible. There's something about it that's like, oh, this is fun.

Yeah. And no pressure. And we don't have to be like what's going to happen next week. And it has an expiration date. Yeah. I think that's very. it was counterintuitive to what I would have guessed. I always was afraid

someone would be like, oh, you creep, you're just trying to just bounce on Monday. Or she's like, oh, it's so nice of him to think of me and remember I live here. There's two sides to it. Because we start idealizing. If it's someone who lives near you, you kind of start putting a horse before

the carriage or the kind of thing is that how that phrase works? I don't think that's how that phrase works. I don't know, but you start picturing marriage and you start picturing kids and all that and you kind of get so ahead of yourself that when you go on the first date and it's not fireworks, you're like, eh, what's next? Well, what I was about to say is what you were doing with Laura is something that, you know,

we've all probably done with someone we've seen online who you're about to meet, and then you meet them and you're like, wow, they fucking suck. And I've been for three months thinking in my head that he was going to be charming or like that we'd hit it off or he'd understand me or he wouldn't be a dick. And then you're like, he's just a narcissist or like, he can't form a sentence. but that's what happens when you deal with football players. But you can trick them. But yeah, so tell me about the first time you guys met.

We met in Austin. I told her I was coming in town for a show. I wasn't. I had a show in Houston, but I was like, yeah, I got to go to Austin. So I kind of like fake planned a trip. What if she sucked? Would you have been pissed? I was very confident she didn't suck.

We had been texting for a month and she seemed really cool. I was very impressed with her. A lot of lead up. I like this. other things I could have done in town. If it had gone south, I had sets and hang out with summer camp friends. But yeah, we hung out for the, we had dinner together. I think she ended up coming to a show that night. Like afterwards, I really didn't want to come to the show. Were you nervous? Very nervous. And I did just okay. I didn't bomb. I did just okay,

which is the worst thing that could have happened. Yeah, because you'd be like, the crowd sucks. Instead, it's like, they just will never remember me. Yeah. And I left no imprint on them. And it was, it was, I did just well enough that she could. have believed that's how good I was and that's it. If I had bombed, you're like, well, it has to be better than that. You definitely overthought it. You definitely. Or sometimes, like, I'll have a couple jokes that don't hit and I'll decide that I bombed.

I'll be like, I bombed. Everyone's like, no, you didn't. And I'm like, I bombed. Or people messaged me. Like, that was so funny. I'm like, I'm thinking bombed. If I actually bombed, who knows what I would do. Right.

So it's funny because I dated a comic before I was a comic as well like her. And he never let me go to any of his sets in the beginning. and now I like kind of get it I kind of but also like you want the person to get to know you as you and not like a character not they have a character on stage but like you don't want to hear me talking about my dating life

it also puts I feel like this sounds very arrogant I can't live up to the persona I create on stage it's a much better version of me it's a very curated version of my best aspects there's something very attractive about a man with a mic Nikki Glazer talks about it on her stand-up, how it's like, it goes back to our animalistic.

Like, he's the head of the clan. The shiniest object in the room. Yeah, and he's the head of the clan, and he's telling everyone, and he's powerful, and there's something very attractive about it. But women, I don't know what it is. It goes both ways, by the way. It goes both ways, but I guess women, I think we're just pickier. And I don't know.

If, like, guys hit me up after the show, it's normally not someone I'm trying to sleep with. Yeah. Yeah. I had a similar thing when I was when I was single I really didn't on very few occasions not like I was like a sled or anything but on very few occasions did I just meet a girl in the bar after the show yeah and go from there it was even when I was traveling it would like I would like meet someone and hang out a few nights and then then maybe bring them to a show you're adorable I just it just feels like cheating it also more than that like I know it's not like I'm holier than that it also feels like a corruption of this thing I really comedy is this like thing I really love. It's really great and I don't want anything else getting in the way of it. So to use it as a means to get sex is just, it cheapens what I do. I feel like there are dudes who have gone into comedy to get late.

Most. Really? Most, yeah. Because it's most guys who weren't getting laid to begin with. Now that's changing. Now more and more people get into comedy. It's interesting. Comedians are supposed to be the like outsiders who observe and make fun of like the in crowd.

And then as it's gotten more popular, I mean like I'm on a TV show and I'm doing stand-up And it's like, it's not supposed to be, there's not supposed to be, like, celebrity behind it and stuff. And it's hard to, like, you still want to be self-deprecating and self-aware, where a lot of celebrity isn't self-aware. It's just, it's an interesting time. Yeah, and celebrities about, look how great I am. And comedy is, is look how pathetic I am. And just to be funny, you want to make someone feel better about themselves. And celebrities really fail at that.

Interesting question. Because they have so much going for them. I think you're very good-looking. Thank you. Is it hard to be a comic who is good-looking as a guy? I've said this before. There are huge advantages to it. I got signed way faster.

I got on TV way faster. I was able to be more memorable. Those are all things I cannot take for granted. I will say for about the first 30 seconds I get on stage, I have a lot more I have to prove. Sounds like a woman. Yeah, I've actually said that before. You're like a hot girl.

You could not understand unless you're a man who looks like me or any woman. Well, I think you don't want to be the hot comic. Like, you don't want to just be like, oh, that's the hot guy. Yeah, let's just say, I would look, seeing what happens

to kind of like, what happened to Dane Cook of how other comics resented his success and kind of work to sabotage him. I was like, I, I would rather have the respect of my peers. That would be, that would be kind of the first thing to work towards. Not that I have it.

I'm sure there's plenty of people sneering it in my arrogance right now, but. No, but I do think it's important. The comedy community is such a community. It's an important, like, so much of his behind the scenes of how people interact with each other. A lot of the first shows I got on

were just because other comics gave me a chance. And there is a community behind that you can't just be like, I'm just going to fucking do my own thing and fuck everyone else. No, it's such a team sport. It's so...

It is a team sport. Even I love the... Now that we're just talking about how we love comedy so much, but when someone gets off and you look them in the eye and you know that you're about to experience what they experience.

I've never thought about that. And you're just like, how was the crowd? And they're like, they're okay. It's this like beautiful connection. I've never thought about that. That's very true. It's because I think I hang out with different crowds. I'm usually just thinking, me, me.

But I hang out with different crowds where I have the reality TV people or the influencer people I hang out with that don't understand it. And the second I'm with the comics, I feel like we're in a world that we have our own language that we can speak together, that other people want it. But then again, like other people might not understand what it's like to be filmed with reality TV and I have my bond with them over that weird shit. Or athletes. 100%.

Because I love comics. of it's still my best friends or people I worked out with, which is weird because swimming, we didn't talk to each other. They were just a shadow in my goggled field of vision. And you were like me, me, me, me, me, me. No, but during that, you're just like, yeah, this is a guy who would like, maybe if I lunge on the last three strokes, like, and out touch him, and then we share that experience despite there being no sound, no visual, and you work out together.

Like, Dan Shiasaki is still my best friend just because we do master's practices together for years. And, yeah, you don't, you don't talk in swimming. Why do you like swimming? I just like it. It's a battle with yourself. There's technique. It's so, it's just great.

It's beautiful. It's probably similar to tennis, I imagine, too, is once you get really good, you have to work so hard to get, like, that little bit better. But that's also, I'd say, stand-up, too, maybe. Yes. I think there's a lot of similarities. And it's so unnatural. and it's just like a thing you always have inside of you.

With stand-up and swimming, there's a thing of walking around, it's a skill you wouldn't be able to spot that I have, but if I get in the pool, you can see within a few seconds that I know how to do something that people way stronger than me cannot accomplish. I'm not the best, but I at least have decent form. Your handstands are probably sick. I'm good at handstands because gymnastics as a kid. That's not a swimmer thing.

Your Marco Polo game is probably amazing. No, I don't have the coordination. That's the thing I was not, I don't have like hand-eye. That's why I did endurance. No, that's when you just go Marco and the first go. I thought you said water polo. Oh, I'm really good at Marco Polo. I'm so sorry.

That was a good joke and I fucking stepped on it. Laura would be like, see? You fucking don't listen. I say good jokes. I just want to see you guys on vacation, like going to the pool and then being like. It is weird when people are like, you want to go hang out of the pool? It's like asking a run or be like, want to go stand on a treadmill? But you like hot tubs, right?

I enjoy hot tubs. I don't swim much anymore. I mean, I swim very, very amateurly for many years. Did she think it was cute? that you love swimming? Sure. Probably a little weird. She probably still thinks it's a little weird,

but because I'm a bigger fan of it than her. Like I know more stats. I know more swimmers than she does. She knew her swimming. I mean, she was very, very good at it. And very, very, very, very, very, worked very hard at it. What, for, I want to know the, the, the, because in her there is this, this beast inside of her,

um, that, that come, that you don't see on the surface. Yeah. Of the organization, the, the, the, the inability to feel tired. to the point where she ignores her own body to her own emotional detriment. And there's no, there's no, oh, I don't feel like it. There's just, she woke up at 4.45 a.m. for years. The swimmers, I remember, I played tennis at University of Wisconsin, and they would all wake up at the craziest hours.

I'd see them leaving the gym at like 6 a.m. Yes. But their hair all bleached and crazy. And they were like their own kind of animals, the swimmers. Because their timeline was so different than everyone else working out. I'd be fascinated. I think I definitely want her on the podcast to talk about her mental state

and her transition. And they set you into the real world, like a convict out of prison. What do I do with all of this animal rage? What you were saying about your brain is you're taught to, your thoughts are all other people's thoughts. Your coaches say, just trust me, do this.

Are you okay? And you lie to yourself and you say, I'm great, I'm not tired, I'm not sore, I'm not nervous. And then one day the world's like, how do you feel? And you're like, I don't fucking know.

And I think that's where a lot of my tweets them from like if I actually like guys like I didn't even know like how I really felt about like other people because I was just such a robot yeah I was like he he seems cool like on paper but it's like do you actually like him you don't know if you actually like someone until you know yourself yes um and we're still working on that here so you finally you ignore yourself as an athlete yes and not speaking for myself for for what I see of Laura makes you good makes you good you let those voices come in they're like oh I'm nervous or I'm scared or I'm gonna suck or I'm tired you are complaining a little bitch and you lose.

Yeah, and you have to trust someone. When you're in the throes of that training of that hard work, you can't trust yourself. You have to create some guiding algorithm that's just listen to this, work towards this, and everything about you will tell you to stop. But you have to have something in your brain program to be like, no, you're waking up now. And when you're pushing your body physically so hard past where it's okay,

and you have to tell your body, we're doing this, calm down. get your breath back we're pushing ourselves and that's like what you're taught that makes you great so let's rewind you finally see her

you've loved how she's this is a romance novel we're creating together you love how she's been texting you've seen interviews of her you're making this trip to Austin to Austin which is a cool place

you finally meet her was it what you thought yeah she was beautiful she was cool yeah we had a great conversation were doing her and then she came to the show and then uh the next day and you half bombed you quarter bombed uh and then the next day i i think so you left you were just like okay i'll talk to you later that night yeah because she had to practice in the morning and then the next day

we hung out and then we hung out for like two full days and you couldn't stop talking and just like wanting to understand each other yeah and then i went home and then she still holds it against me that I didn't text her for two days. Because I didn't know what it could be. I didn't think she was going to be willing to do a distance relationship. Oh, because you guys fell for each other. I came home, like, so depressed because I was like, that was perfect, but we don't live in the same city.

She can't live here. I can't live there. There's no way to ever work out. And then we started, and I think that Tuesday was my birthday or Wednesday was my birthday, and she texted me on my birthday. And so we kept talking again after that. And I was like, I guess she's willing to make this work distance. And then for about a year, every month, we'd,

see each other going back and forth, mostly me to her because of my schedule. Honestly, long distance is hot in the beginning. In the beginning, yeah. If it's not like, if you're going, if you're starting with long distance, it's fucking hot because you're just like always thinking like about that moment when you finally see each other and just like fuck for five days and then you leave. I remember her pulling up in the car. Yeah.

It's so exciting, but it sucks if you've been actually dating for a year and then you have to go long distance because you're just like, I remember when I didn't have to do this. I've never experienced that, but you're probably right. It's probably okay at the beginning. And then a year together, and then we moved to New York together, which to go from being 2,000 miles apart to sharing 200 square feet. Wait, so how did that happen? You skipped a very integral decision. So she retired from swimming. She retired.

Wow. So she was very cool about that. She said, where can I live so you can do what you do? Has she been warned you about it, like that she'd had thoughts about that? We knew she was going to retire in 2016. Okay. Depending on how trials went, it might have been an extra year. but that was that was the end of it.

She was 24 at that time because you can't make a living out of it as a 200 breast stroker I mean maybe if you swim like maybe if you're like Katie Ledecky and have like five events which you're the best in history at you can you can it's worth pursuing

as a full-time career because you put your whole life into this thing and everyone gives you so many accolades when you're young and done and then done I had points for tennis because I chose not to go on the tour because similar to that like I think I could make top 600 or 500

maybe, but I'm not making a living. I'm like, do I want to just burn all my money? And I'm not really in love with the sport anymore. And then I would just, like, cry in bed. Like, why did you take this path? Like, why did you choose this path? Just because you were good at it. And now it's for nothing.

Like, you're nothing. You're an intern at a fashion place at, like, 21. And you used to be captain of a D1 tennis team. And now you're a piece of shit, and no one... Like, I just didn't understand why life went that way. And then you realize later in life that it's not about tennis. It's what? It's about yourself.

It's about discovering yourself. So that's why I'm fascinated by her journey. But so you're talking, these are going well. Were there any blips in the long distance? No. Trials was tough when she didn't make the team. But I wasn't as good of a boyfriend as I am now, and I probably, in retrospect, I wish I'd handled it differently

and been more supportive or known to the right things to say. What did you say? Not much, but it's just, you know, I probably should have listened more. I probably should have, I didn't know, and we didn't know what was coming. The one thing about her, though, I'm speaking too much for her. I would love for you to have her on, but she was always a very reasonable person that she knew that it was going to end one day and that wasn't going to be how she made a living. So she was always preparing.

She had a day job while she was on the national team. While she was making a salary, a living salary as a swimmer, she also couldn't give up this job she had in tech in Austin. That's awesome. So she was waking up at 4.45 a.m. Psychopath. Yeah, and then traveling internationally. When was she going to bed at night?

nine. She actually did go to sleep early. When she was talking to me, she was staying up later, and I feel like, I feel really, in retrospect, I don't know if I've ever said this to her, but I still feel responsible because we were dating, she was being a little more reckless with her schedule because we were both so excited about it, that like, maybe she would have had a better performance had she just been resting. Or maybe that happened for a reason, because she should transition and New York City was where her next life was. She was going to transition either way. She was always very mindful of, because you see those people who get stuck in the sport. Oh, yeah.

And it's, uh, oh, yeah. It's rough. You're like, you're 45 and you're like teaching tennis. Yeah, it's really rough. Because you can't and you can make a comfortable living, but there is such a ceiling. Yeah. It's, it's tempting. She always, she always really wanted to stay away from that and make a new career and make a new start.

And she has a great job now because she supplied all of that mentality. Good for her. I wasn't as smart as her. Because part of being successful too is being blind and being like, I am going to be. the greatest like you have to be crazy about it and not like if people say what are you doing besides tennis and like there's no other thing like that's kind of the commitment that you need and I think she had that but she started to be realistic towards the end where I was like if I win if I get all big 10 and I like if I get all big 10 I'm going to go on the tour then I got

hit by a car in my senior year like four months before the big 10 tournament and I was like the universe just doesn't want this for me yeah and then had to tell the little Hannah in my head who was like seven years old crying because you want to be a professional times player that we're not doing this. But then you have to realize and be realistic and be like, you don't even like the sport anymore. But you've lied to yourself so many days

to get your ass out of bed to train. So it's like, it's just about stopping lying to yourself and not being scared of like the repercussions of the truth. Yeah. Which can be dark. So why did you guys want to go to New York? Why didn't she go to L.A.? She got a better job offer there.

So she understood it was L.A. or New York. And she says, What's your preference? I said wherever you have a better, get a better job offer. I love the, like, balance of your guys' relationship. Like, it sounds like you guys really care about each other's careers and kind of sharing responsibilities. It's a lie.

I'm just putting my best foot for it so people don't think I'm a sociopath. I was like, I didn't know this existed. So she gets a great job, and she's financially stable. And why do you guys move in together? Why are you doing this? Why we move here and live in different places was her logic. And her, she said of like, yeah, we're just going, like, let's just figure this out fast. If we move in together, we'll figure out really quickly.

Well, I like that. She's going to fail. She's a business bitch. Yeah, she was like, if this isn't going to work out, let's get it done. Let's murder each other in two months or get married. So are you in a studio? No. No, we have a one bedroom.

In Brooklyn. Yeah. Awesome. Because splitting, you can, when you split rent, you can afford a place. it's twice out, twice your price range. Hell yeah. So we have a good place. So how has it been living together?

It's been great. It's been, yeah, I guess three years now. Wow. Now that we don't have roommates, so now we're like almost two years into, a year and a half of not having roommates. So you went from not? She gets annoyed with me being messy

every now and then. Well, you're a creative. So is she, though? Like, that's so unfair. Yeah, I guess, no, yeah, she is. We always give men the excuse for that. Well, I give that myself. I said I'm a creative.

Oh. Oh, and you're messy? Yeah. Oh, good. Good for you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm not perfect.

So you, you do sculptures. I do. I didn't know this about you. Please explain. I started around as like very young. I just like making little clay sculptures are like kind of like cartoon characters. That's amazing. The palm of clay, pretty small.

And what do you do with them? Nothing. Do you collect them? I just put them on a shelf. Laura bought this really nice, like, glass display cabinet thing that they go. It's nice. That's beautiful. And what kind of clay do you use?

Sculpey. Oh, that's fun. My sponsor? No, they just, yeah, they've been using them for years, and they're a really good brand. Swipe up, you guys. Restore 20% off. Yeah, I was telling him earlier that I do sculpting too, but I just sculpt men's personalities to try to fit. It doesn't work.

It's a good joke, though. Yeah, it was good. It never hits the second time. Never does. Nope. And as I said it, I was feeling sad about. You really didn't commit to it. I would have faked laughed like I did the first time.

I know you would have, but I didn't want to put you through. I didn't put you through it. I didn't want to put you through it. It's all in act. It's all in act. I'm, this show Summerhouse, I'm on,

there's this couple of Count of Man who live together, and they can't stop fighting about how Amanda, after a long day, wants to, like, watch TV, and he's like, Amanda, we have a business where they're, like, doing a business together, and he's like, you need to answer emails,

but she has a day job. What has been the hardest part of you guys, like, in your lifestyles? All the dynamics. What's the hard part? Me traveling. It's the biggest frustration, me being gone a lot. She's this remarkably capable, confident person, but also can't be alone.

It's a very funny thing to me. She's stronger than me in every way. Yet when I'm gone for 12 hours, she like breaks down. Because I'm so good at being alone. Are you good at being alone? I get a little lonely around the road now, especially. knowing I could be at home in New York with a person I, you know, sharing my space

with the person I really enjoy living with and do stand around town. I would argue if you're going to have a successful relationship with the comic, you have to live with him or her. Because, like, I had a relationship where I'd work 9 to 5 and then he had like a radio show or something and then he'd do stand up until one and we just never would see each other.

So the fact that you guys are living together it means like you probably get the most possible time together. Yeah. That was why so many, like, so many, like, women I dated in L.A. It failed. It was going to fail anyway, but it felt so fast because I was like, oh, yeah, this is going, well, we got like two, three weeks of this been, and then I'm gone for six. It's like, well, that's dead in the water.

How do you restart? How do you, you know, like spark jump that? Yeah. And now she's in comedy? She's been doing comedy for. See, how did that happen? She always wanted to. When I met her, she was always, she was doing improv when I met her.

Oh, cool. Yeah, she always wanted to try it. and I thought it was a great idea, and she did it, and she likes it, and she's doing New York open mics, which is so brutal and something I never had to deal with, but she has a lot of resources. We do a podcast about it called... Oh, yeah, so this whole conversation is because you guys are starting a podcast. Yeah, what's the name? It's available on a platform.

It's called She Does Stand Up 2, and that's the name of it. And we talk about her doing stand-up, how it affects what she started to stand-up eight years after I did, and that's kind of weird, and there's weird dynamics of play. how it affects us. And we also kind of get to like, it's fun because I get to relive those like early stages in comedy that are rarely documented of learning these tough, important lessons. Yeah. Yeah, you like relive that the early stages and maybe have a different appreciation for it. Yes. Yes. I kind of forgot about all the things that I normally ask people on this podcast because I was wanting to get to know you a little more. But what's, do you deal with anxiety at all?

No. Do you deal with depression? No. Why? I don't know. I, I, I mean, I get like, not like the happiest person. I compare myself to other people a lot, and that's probably a source of a lot of frustration and anguish to me. But mostly I just get down to myself for being really lazy. That's what I hate and how unproductive I am, how disorganized. Are you lazy? Yes.

Are you just telling yourself? No, no, no, I am very lazy. I feel like so many comics say they're lazy. Yeah, but I mean it. I'm disciplined about exercise. That's one thing I will give myself. I'm very good about exercising. And I, you know, I do it frequently, and I think with enough vigor.

But everything else in my life, I don't write. I don't, like, I feel like, it's everyone can always write more. Like, everyone can write more. I don't sit down and write. Like, I mean, I'm lucky that I have, like, a steady flow of ideas enough to pump out, like, probably like 10, 15 minutes a year. But that's, if I wanted to be a big leaguer, that's not enough. Like, the heavy hitters are getting an hour out every two years polished.

And I don't know how I'd do that if I had to. Do you think that Laura's going to help push you a little now that you're doing it? She always has. but a little bit she got this podcast I talked about starting a podcast for years and she got it going when she was like we should do one together

I'm like well at least it's going to get made if we do it together whereas if I just keep talking about what about this I do? What about this I do instead? Because your team, that's great. Yeah. I don't mean to project my issues onto you

but sometimes I'm not lazy but if I'm unorganized the mess kind of will stress me out and the unorganization so I'll never get to like doing what I need to do so it's like almost the exact anxiety of like the mess will make me not move. There's a term I read called bike shedding.

It was some, it's some famous, they're building a nuclear plant and the committee waste all this time deciding what the bike shed should look like and where it should be and then they never built a nuclear plant of like getting lost in one little detail. Because I'm very bad at prioritizing tasks and I have so much I could be doing but very little I need to be doing. And I get overwhelmed by that. Yeah, especially if there's not a... Yeah, then you create sculpting.

But yeah, in comedy, especially when you're an entrepreneur with your creative stuff, there aren't due dates necessarily. No, none. So you can, yeah, you can never prioritize anything. I'm just, I find lists are like the only way I orgasm, like I need a list. And when I, when I cross it off, I'll write something just to cross it off. So I'll wake up. I have just the list on my phone of what I need to do.

Yes. The littlest thing, I'll be like, respond to the email. Schedule Matthew's podcast. Giving yourself a little serotonin boosts of being able to draw a line through something. Even if it's like start to do-lis. I do that as a cheeky joke to myself. Here's how German Laura is. She has this job where she's working all these hours and has all these clients and all that.

And I said, where's your, where's your to-do list? Where do you keep her do-lis? She goes, I don't have one. I said, well, she goes, I just do what I need to do. She has no to-do-lis. She has like 10 times as much to-do-do-do. She's like, when they tell me it, I do it. That was my Russian, though.

Anyway. German sounds like this when they tell me what to do it. Like this? Slipping into French. You're French? My, yes, Cajun French, yeah. Oh, fancy. Way less fancy.

Actually, not fancy. Not nearly. There was apparently, its occasions were a pocket of French settlers who came to Acadia and then got kicked out of there and now resided in Louisiana. And their dialect was so severely altered

that at some point France emissaries to correct their pronunciation, which is so French. That's the Frenchest thing I've heard. The Frenchest shit ever. Like, bonjour, bonjour, bonjour, bonjour, bonjour, bonjour, bonjure, no, no, no. What are you most insecure about? One of my most insecure about. First physically, and then mentally.

Body hair physically. Really? Weird body hair. I don't look very Jewish. Do you about your back hair? Yeah, shoulders. I hated. You shave ever?

I do every now and then. Do you ever wax? No. I just own it. I'm Italian. Oh. Yeah. You're not Jewish?

I'm half Jewish, half Italian. Half like Russian, Austrian, Polish. That's a hairy bear. It's brutal. Yeah, I tried, I did a little laser once. Then I kind of fell off. How was that? It was fun.

It works, I hear. Honestly, laser on your back, you should do. Yeah? Yeah. But then there's going to be. a line where the hair, because it's everywhere. So the weird thing would be like, oh, yeah, my back looks good. And then my waistline.

You don't look that hairy. It's weird. It's not necessarily the most, but it's so weirdly patterned and patchy. And also as a swimmer, I guess you had to have your shirt off a lot. Yeah, but that weird part was when I was, I swam until I was like 25. And now I don't do it as much. And it started really growing when I was 25. Like, it's been, it just keeps going.

It's like puberty never ended. Except I'm not getting taller. I'm just getting... Drinking some more whiskey for some more hair in your back. Yeah, yeah. What do you most insecure about your personality? Being socially unaware, being um,

rude. I really, I really am more aware now of like, that I say stuff that hurts people's feelings, that that I'm, that I'm so transparent. Why do you think you're socially unaware? Because I never learned good social skills.

Because you're good looking and people would just always, laugh at what you said. Oh, that's nice, but. I noticed a lot of good-looking guys, like, they get away with a lot. Yeah, handsome autism. Brandon Wardell coined that term. That's going to be the title of the podcast. Thank you. Handsome autism. I don't think that's a fact. I'm, I just was raised by scientists and we were, I wasn't, I wasn't socialized. I didn't go out on weeknights. I didn't have part. I wasn't invited to parties. What kind of scientists? Dad was a chemist mother was a microbiologist. Oh my God. So we didn't, it was just not a thing in our family where it was valued to learn social skills it was learn your work learn your you know do your studies and you

become a comedian yes yes yes but luckily but but a very one-sided version of it you don't have to learn how to listen as a comedian and that's why comedians can be really tough to hang out with and date um yes um i'm getting traumatized did you did your parents approve no explain not disapproved my father was okay with It sounds like you had to come out as a community. No, I just told when I was going to start doing it. It was when I made the leap to move to L.A. and basically sideline this career that I had spent all these years making.

They were worried about it, but I had kept my day job, and then I lost my day job very quickly. So that was a very scary moment. I don't want to say on record, but it was very much my fault. Okay. A fuck up, a big fuck up. Yeah. But was it one of those things where you felt like it was a blessing in disguise? Not at the time.

At the time, I was terrified. I had no idea if I was going to be making to a living, and I got very lucky. Did you like your day job? No, not compared to comedy. Yeah. I was like, if I had had to go that route, it would have been fine. But, I mean, I'm not of this belief of I had to do this. I'd be, if there was some other alternate timeline where I was, like, you know, getting to use my degree

or doing something that was, like, stimulating for, you know, computer programming or engineering, like that, that's a fine life if it was satisfying work. Do you take a scientific approach at all to your writing? I probably do. Yeah. People, outsiders tell me that, but I just break it. I write jokes and I see if they work and I reanalyze from there. But I have a fun time going back through material and other people's material

and categorizing why this works and this doesn't and what needs to happen. But it's mostly retrospective. That's all I've remembered from all of school. It's what stand-at-biz, though. Stand-up is you just, you have hypothesis and you have a lab. laboratory and you test it. And if they laugh, you did something right. And if they don't, you can either keep altering it and seeing if that works or throw it away because it wasn't a good enough to be a game with. I love that perspective. Matthew, we're going to end with one final game.

Okay. You're doing great. Okay. That was my positive affirmation for you. Wait. Now I feel like I'm not. No, real quick, Monday Punday, where do you get that from? This is follow Matthew at at Monday Punday. What does that mean? It's my website, Mondaypunday.com. It's a web comic. I started doing it because I was very bad at my job. It's a different job out of college. I would draw these. It was inspired by a teacher named Ann Swartz,

where it's a cartoon of a visual play on words, and I'd make my friend solve, and I did it on Facebook every Monday. Cool. And then just for shits and giggles, and then I made it into a website, and now it's an app as well. And every Monday I put out a little puzzle.

That is very fun. I didn't know that. I'm going to subscribe. It's, they're fresh. people get angry me about them they're not meant to be easy so okay so i should i should be okay with failing that's what i'll learn from it and and try a different one if that one doesn't come to you immediately if they were yeah they're not meant to be easy isn't that life yeah um it's time to play the seven deadly sins yay that didn't sound very excited i'm very excited i've

I have tone problems. Seven Deadly Sins. I love how self-aware you are. Okay, what are you greedy about? I'm greedy about validation from people. I can't get enough of it. I can't get enough compliments. That's why I'm addicted to social media.

Oh. Yeah. Follow him on social media, though. His tweets are great. Oh, thank. Do you feel like your... in your relationship, it could get annoying, like, that you need validation from her, but then you also need validation from other people.

Yeah, she's like, she's always, her phrase is, everyone's sucking your dick all the time. Like, I'm not going to give you, like, more affirmation. Good for her. That's fun. It's like the amount of fucking people giving you compliment, like, because she's hanging out of me after shows. And comedy goes well, people are like really gushy. And she's like, is that not enough for you? You know, you're like upset that you don't have as many followers as this person.

Like, just be happy. You make this to a job. laugh enough and she's like the crowd was clapping the whole time you got seven applause break shut the fuck up who are you envious of i'm envious of anyone in comedy who has like a daily schedule and gets to wake up and start making stuff and put it out quickly and yeah but you could do that i could but i don't have anyone telling me what to do that's the one thing if i left i was so so eager to leave my day job and become a full-time comedian and not have to wake up to do something And my only goal since the day I got fired was to wake up to do something, to have somewhere to be, have someone telling me what to do.

I'm jealous of anyone who has someone yelling at them to get shit done. Hopefully, Laura will give you good things to do with the podcast. Yes. I also find a lot of it is like, yeah, you have to create something out of nothing because none of us really in the beginning of the day will have something unless like, well, you did outreach and stuff to get on things. And I guess you have people working for you, agents and stuff to book you on stuff. But yeah, sometimes you have to create stuff out of nothing. Yeah. And just put it out there and just, yeah, fail and make stupid videos that aren't funny.

Yeah, a lot of it is just putting shit out there. But yeah, manifesting that you want to do work. Like even just like telling a fellow comic like, yeah, I'm trying to do some more videos. Next thing you know, they know a videographer is that they want to do stuff. I don't know, just talking about it. Sometimes talking about it is helps me. You know what Andrew Schultz told me to do? We're not like, I make it sound like I'm name-dropping.

He's very nice to me. And I'm appreciative of that. are boys. But he doesn't, you know, tax me anything. But I mean, obviously what he does is really amazing in its output and then the fan base he's made and how he puts out all this material

that's so strong. But he said, if you really want to make yourself do something, tell people a date for which you're going to deliver. Tell people every Wednesday I'm going to do blank. And then you have the pressure of failing in the public. Especially if it's your, yeah, your followers that you're telling. That's a good. That's kind of what I do with Monday Punday.

I was just I told people it's going to be out on Mondays and I haven't missed a Monday in nine years. Wow. So, yeah, you have the capability, clearly. It's also funny how comedies transitioned, because remember when comics, it was like a nightmare if your stuff was like on YouTube or someone recorded something, where now it's like, I like how comedy's transitioned to be like, we have to be our own marketers in a way. But it then leaves some people behind who are like, I just want to make jokes. I don't want to have to be my own marketing person. Right. Which is a dead attitude. Yeah.

Yeah. Nikki had something for us. said something funny about she hates how they make people put their cell phones in bags now at the cellar she's like all these cute pictures of me and all these different outfits are lost and people film it

oh what seven people are going to watch it like good that's publicity yeah and the social media age too and also if you get like half of my joke who cares I don't give I don't care yeah it's it's good for everyone they'll change that eventually maybe oh what are you gluttonous about exercise is that weird why do you love exercising so much

I don't know it's just it's it's I think I'm so ADD as a person that it forces me to focus. Your mind can't wander and you're in this moment. It forces the pain is kind of, it kind of centers you and becomes a battle with yourself and you get to feel victorious even though you just did 20 minutes on a Peloton. You get to feel like a champion. You did the elliptical for three minutes. But during those three minutes, your mind is quiet because you're like, I don't want to do this.

Shack it off now, shake it off later. You're there. I do think a lot of people think of working out as like for their body. body, but it's so much more for your mind. I agree. Especially when you grew up being athletic. I've also destroyed my body. I've exercised to the point now where it's like not that beneficial for me.

I've hurt, I've injured so many things now. Yeah, probably the body of a 50-year-old woman, the bones. Ficked up my shoulder real bad. I had to get surgery, hamstrings, yeah, feet. And if I wanted to be healthier, I would be, I would do something very different. I find so. But I do it because it's so fun. Yeah, and you're kind of out of an addiction.

Yeah. Yeah, that's some crazy shit. Do you do like triathlons and stuff? I used to, but I got too injured. You don't know when to stop. I love Peloton. Peloton with the Stairmaster is the only thing I can do anymore, so I do it way too much.

I can't run. Yeah. You can't run. Not really. I get shin splints when I run on the treadmill. Had those, yeah. And then I pretend, everyone's like, you're so lazy, you can't do 10 minutes.

I'm like, my shins have been through a lot. But I like that a lot of comics, a lot of male comics, especially, like, don't work out. Or they, like, don't get physical at all. And I feel like I love meeting other comics that are like putting some effort into their bodies. It's a shameful thing. Yeah, so many of them. You can't talk about it on stage because people really pull back when you say you're good at exercise or you like to exercise

because most so much comic is predicated on boy, doesn't that suck having to go to the gym. Yeah, that's all comedy is making fun and going to the gym. Michelle Wolfe has a bit about being a good distance runner. And so does Liz Mealy. I admire that so much to lead with things that would normally. put people off to leave with positive qualities. I do think I had Mary Beth Barone on the podcast and I like talking where she, her humor isn't

self-deprecating. It's, and I think it's fascinating. It's very hard to do. It's very hard to do. When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath? Do you have an angry side to you? Yeah. Yeah, when I'm losing an argument to my girlfriend.

Because a lot of our arguments is she'll call me out on some bullshit. And a lot of times I feel like she's, has a logical reaction is something very small. Yeah. And I'm like, why are you so angry about these three words I just said? And we'll get angry and it will be kind of reveal that I'm being more selfish. And I don't want to admit that I'm selfish, but I also am really angry at her for not being able to understand me and not calm down to that moment.

So I'll get angry. It's never actually about the three words. Yes. It's always about something else. So I don't get angry. I mean, I don't get angry at her. I mean, not like wrathful at her, but I get wrathful kind of like alone. Like, ah, damn it.

That's about it. I'm pretty even killed otherwise. There was that Dane Cook joke a while ago. Do you remember where he talks about fighting and how, like, when the woman starts agreeing with you, that's when, you know, things are about to get bad? No, that's so fun. And right when you think that, like, she's like, oh, yeah, yeah, totally. And then she drops something that at first, it doesn't, you don't know what it means. And you're like, it doesn't mean anything.

And she goes, you're stupid like your father. And he's like, that doesn't mean anything. That's stupid. I don't care. I don't care. And then it's like a torpedo in your brain and then, like, fuck. Five hours later, you're just pacing, and then you run upstairs, you're like, my father was a brilliant man!

Anyway, yeah, when was the last time you were a sloth? Most days. After you work out, after cardio. No, it's usually, I'm actually, the one thing I said I'm disciplined, but actually, is I put it off all day, and then I usually do it at the last possible window. I do that. Where it's like if the club, if I have to get to the club, I have an 8 o'clock show, I wait, and then I work out from 630 to 7.30, because then I have to get it down.

And then I can't be lazy. But then all day, it's like you weren't doing other things because you thought you were trying to go to the gym. And you're guilt and you don't shower because you're like, oh, and you feel guilt. And you feel this guilt. And when I work out in the morning, I'm like, I have this phantom limb of guilt being like, well, you still got to go. You already did. You're like, what? I guess I can just do the things I need to do.

If I tell myself, I'm going to go to the gym and I wake up, I won't get out of bed. It'll be like 2 a.m. I'm just still in bed. Now my body just doesn't let me exercise before noon. Oh. Because I wake up at like 9 or 10 and like my body's just not ready. When I try to work out, I'm like, everything's just like stiff and creaky. As a swimmer, that's hilarious.

I was, yeah. I can't believe you guys would function so early in the morning. I would do 6 a.m. practice, but not that often. I was much, I would do doubles every now. And then these were just hour long practice. I was so much faster in the afternoon in the morning. Me too. My body doesn't function.

I can't hit a tennis ball before 9 a.m. But I also didn't let myself work out, warm up. You also have to just be like, yeah, it's going to be slow and ugly. Just, just trudge through it until things start to wake up. Don't try to go hard now. The whole workout's going to feel miserable. What do you think about something like the Kevin Hard documentary where he's like, to be successful, you have to wake up at 5 a.m. not sleep.

No, I need a lot of sleep. I need so much sleep. No, I'm not good when I don't sleep. I don't sleep. I love sleep. I sleep probably nine hours. I slept 12 hours yesterday. That's incredible. How good do you feel? 9 p.m. to 9 a.m.

Wow. Yeah. 9 p.m. Because I had like a late night. That's a problem with these late nights. I have like just an 1140 p.m. set and I'm like, why? And then it's like a 10 minute, just a little show. And then next thing you know, you're talking to people.

Then you're getting all excited. And next thing you know, you start thinking of jokes or I'm on Twitter. And the next thing you know, it's 3 a.m. It's 3 a. I had that on Friday. I had a 1210 spot. And I worked out from 10, wait, no, I worked out from 945 to 10.45. But we have a, my apartment.

Cool. But my, I put off working out until 9.45 p.m. and then still had time to shower and make a snack and get to my show. Okay. This is the toughest one. When was the last time you let your pride get in the way of something? I'm not going to let my pride get in the way of something. I feel like I do it often with not, I want to put out more content as, you know, like more videos, more clips of just not necessarily. stand-up but just fun stuff or make a podcast or have some way of doing, because stand-up is so slow to build that I have to be giving people other stuff in between, you know, tour dates. And I think I let my pride, I'm too afraid to fail in those early stages and put out something bad and lose followers and make something that's kind of regrettably not funny on the way to

learning what my voice would be as a, as, you know, like a podcaster or a person who does like funny videos. You see someone like Nikki or Chris DeStefano where they do these really funny videos. talk to their phone camera and it's really funny and they can plug their dates and you get likes and shares and I'm afraid to just turn on that camera and make a hundred or a thousand bad ones before I finally figure out how to be funny at that. So my pride doesn't let me start that journey is the like like you know that he didn't get that perfect and you know that Chris didn't do like he definitely like but it's perfect that's what makes it perfect. His daughter's crying in the backer yeah that's what makes it perfect. Perfect. It's this idea of not. So good. So

good. And a reality TV first. Yes. One of the rare people to break that rule. I always say back then it was impossible because the media controlled you. If you were reality TV, that's what you are. If people leave your name, that's what you are. Nowadays, I'm fortunate that

if I want to tell people about who I am, I can show them through various forms of media. It's not controlled by just like the old school media. But what you were saying is interesting. The concept of like caring too much, like that inhibited my tennis career. Like, I cared about the results so much that I, like, wouldn't go for my shot.

I'd, like, convince myself, like, oh, this is the most important match of your life. And then I just, like, get in my own head. Talk to Laura about that. Oh, I mean, I've had the yips in every, like, sense of the word. Because then if you don't care, then you're like, well, then how do I do all the things I want to do if I don't really care about it? It really makes no sense. And I think I confused myself more by just trying to figure that out. Yeah.

I don't give a shit, okay? I watched that with Laura. It's so interesting to watch like, I've seen stages of her being like a little too sure of herself. And then I've seen her go to being too unsure of herself. And it's like, yeah, but if you're too critical of it, you might not get on stage again. You might, that might just be it. I think what it is is getting the confidence that regardless what happens, it's going to be okay. Yeah.

To know you have talent, but to know when you're performing bad. It's a razor. Yes, 100%. Um, when was the last time you lusted over someone besides Laura? Like, do you have a, um, a celebrity crush? Oh, no. No, no. I'm, I'm not going to walk in with a trap.

No one. I've never. The last time I lusted over someone, it wasn't Laura, was before I met Laura. Oh. I don't know what to say about that. Well, it's good. Do you guys still lust of each other after three years or four years or five years? Yeah.

She's still hot, so that's easy. Yeah. Yeah. I want to end with one final question. Does vanity not make the cut? I guess we've already addressed it. Well, it's been a lot of vanity. It sure has.

No, I'm just kidding. But it is a sin. Yes. The sexiest sin. The most good-looking sin. What advice would you give to people who are going through hell? Just to wrap this up. Like, when you're going through hell, how do you cope?

It probably sounds insensitive, but sleep more, eat right, stay away from social media. Honestly, a hundred percent, I agree. If you still have problems after that, then yes, you should seek medical treatment, but it's, if those things, sleep number one, oh, drinking, cut out drinking. Don't drink, it's depressing. It just makes you depressed. It makes people so good. And then it takes, it's a lone shark on your emotion. The next, whatever happiness you're feeling today is what you took away from tomorrow.

Preach. I also believe, if you, if you, I'm trying to fix yourself and not fixing those things, it would be like, it would be like working out in high heels and then getting knee surgery. instead of switching to a pair of ASICs. It's, it's, and I know that depression, whether they say the symptoms of depression are also the causes, so it can become a very vicious cycle, but those are, yeah, that's my, my advice is those,

those can really, in hydration, like, really, that was a chemist, and I really believe in, like, the more, the physical nature of this. Sometimes you just need to drink a glass of water. Yes. It's almost like, and with the social media, it's like, turn yourself off,

and tune yourself back on again. I've done that where I'm like, let's take a day away from the phone. And then you feel reset and you drink your water. You eat a little clean and... You ever check Twitter before you get out of bed? And then you just see something that pisses you off and that's your whole day now.

It's set. The mood is set. I want to leave my phone outside my room so I can't check it in bed before getting out of bed. And I've dealt with depression in the past. I don't want to sound like I'm insensitive to what people are going to. I know it's a very serious issue. But I was lucky enough and that I was able to fix most of it through

those physical what do you call those the just the it's like the main the bare minimum of what you need to survive yeah yeah well matthew i want to thank you so much for coming so far where can people watch you follow you monday punday on twitter and uh instagram and uh she does stand up to the podcast now available uh on all platforms and uh that's that's it for the near future awesome well if you guys enjoyed this episode take a little screenshot tag us whatever show some love five stars swipe up whatever you know