Berner Phone - Michael Blaustein: Being Cute & Comedic

Episode Date: June 2, 2023

Michael Blaustein is a comedian and cohost of Stiff Socks who stopped by hell. He was hard to break but I ultimately did it! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I have too much I have to burning in the table. I have too much stuff on a table. I mean, this is typical man. You come and you take up all the space. I'm just sitting here in a corner, just so little, so cold,

and you have all your stuff everywhere. Are you cold because you spill macho on your shirt? Okay, you don't have to tell everyone. Oh, okay. Never mind. I don't know how pigmented is matcha that it's green Like I thought it was like milk with like a slight tinge of What's matcha? I don't know I've drinking it before I don't know what it is

It's it's grass no it's not it's marijuana Oh you switched it up Is it grass or marijuana grass puke? Marijuana I love you live in LA why are you asking me what macha is you guys invented matcha? I don't drink did we drink coffee? you should stop because Oh, why? You don't need it.

Because my hair, you look like you've been electrified. I actually, the first thing I wanted to say to you was normally when men like truly snap and have a mental breakdown, they just shoot up a building like a normal man. Yeah, yeah. Or punch a wall, maybe if you're having to say. I punch so many walls. I have such anger problems.

What happened that you dyed your hair blonde at this point of your life? I get it when you're young. Yeah. I, whoa, shots fired. No, I'm not young. I, um, I, um, I, I wish I had a cool story. I wish I was like, dude, I was on the edge. Huh?

You had a breakup. Yeah, but I did it when I still had a girlfriend. I'm so intrusive. I'm like, I know what you did. No, you can, you can get in here. So, well, you still were with her. Oh, so this caused the breakup. Maybe.

You know what's super funny? I've actually never said this. You know what's so funny is the first night I got it, she was like, wow, it's really hot. I feel like I'm like fucking somebody. else. And initially, I was like, yeah, you liked that. And then I thought about it and I was like, do you want to

fuck for a house? Like, is that why you pushed me so hard to get this done? Is that what you're seeking? You're like, that's the exact opposite of you. I love it. It's the first time I'm going to come in months. And you look taller. Can you also put on a French accent?

Is that I'm going to put him this Ronald Reagan mask? What? What, dude? Yeah, yeah. So, but it's so funny because we said that, and then, and then, like, maybe a week later, what are you looking at? Oh, nothing. I was spacing out. Okay.

Cool. Perfect. That's great. Don't you love it when you're talking and on a fucking podcast? And the fucking host of the podcast goes, oh, nothing. I'm zoning out. Cool. Cool.

I was having a little mental break, okay? It's early. It just started. It's one p.m. It's early. It is. You know, so funny, when you said one hour. I was like, this bitch is crazy.

One o'clock is nuts. I already had a podcast today, too. It's because I'm about to go on the road, so I'm, like, packing everything in. Just too much. What were you saying? See, you were taking too long to transition, and I started spacing. I wasn't. You were, like, fumbling the bag.

I wasn't, there was no fumble. I'll kiss you right now. Have you ever had, you know, in the movies where they have, like, one of those movies, you're fucking, I hate you mom. Oh, yeah, well, you suck in bed. And then they started making it out, like that, like, I'm angered tension. It's never happened to me. I am not, like, an angry makeup sex.

No, if I hate you, the last thing I want to do is make you come. The last thing. No, like, Paige, my best thing, she loves, like, getting hit with bricks. Like, she wants to be choked until she faints. Text me. I'm like. No, text me. No, I am like, I will beat the shit out of you with, like, verbally.

Yeah, yeah. But then when it comes to sex, I'm like, this is a safe space. We're both, this is for pleasure, pure pleasure, pure love. Why is that? Why is that? Because that's the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. If some girl looked at me

and said, make love to me, I'd throw up and leave the state. I'd move. I'll go a little naughty, but it's like, because it's so good. What's your little naughty?

A thought wrestling. Like, if you called me a bad girl, I'd be like, whoa. I'd be like, whoa. This guy's crazy.

If you'd call me a slut, I'd be like, that's the little fun. Like, yes, I'm 30. I've obviously dated a lot of people in my life to research. What's your body count?

I thought body count is so insane because like I lost my virginity. Okay, I half lost it at 18. You know, like you tried and you were like, that's, I have a tiny, tiny pussy. Like, that's not going anywhere. You have a tiny pussy? Well, it's just, when you first have sex,

you think it's just going to, like, go in, but it doesn't. Like, you have to like, feng shui it a little. And I definitely was like, I think this is not going to happen. And he wasn't big. How funny. Yeah, call him out. What's his name?

Dox him? What's his address? Dude, hold on. He's 18. He has a shrimp dick. That doesn't, I mean, you're pretty much almost fully grown cockwise at 18. I don't know. It definitely, it goes up a bit. Well, he wasn't like one of the, like, massive men that I've dated. You've had massive.

Well, that's the thing. I date big men. What does that mean? Like, like 6'7? But then they have, their dick looks so small compared to their body. Right. I dated one large, and it was. like ruin my life. Yeah, I mean, large is like that, it's, I think it's underrated.

I think having a massive cock is so, oh, overrated. I'm sorry, so overrated. Whoa, my bad. Um, it's so overrated. You're like, you can do so much with that big cock. Yeah. Yeah, you forget. No, I had a guy lied to me because we had sex once

and I was like, had trouble. Like, it took like a whole like breathing routine to even like, and I was like, is this normal for you? And he was like, no, no, no. I was like, have other girls had trouble and he's like no no no and then like we dated for like a month and I was like this is and he's like yeah it's a problem she how big tell me what to stop like I'll show you later stop you fuck you fuck you that's the problem that's the problem that's the problem

I'd rather thin and long thin and long okay because like if you're four inches and just thick like yeah it's just it hurts it's a nightmare just I can dilate 10 inches doesn't mean I want it to. Right. You don't want to fuck a fresca can. That seems terrible. No, and also, but the girls don't even come, like, vaginally, so it's like, you don't want it to hurt. They do, but most don't. They do, but most don't. Can we say that? They do, but most don't. It's, it's like a mic. They do. Who told you they now? My mom. I don't know. I have a question going back to when you were like, my girl. girlfriend was happy that I dyed my hair.

Yeah, yeah. Do you ever fuck girls doggy because you don't want to see your face? Like, if a guy wants doggy too much, should girls start to be like, this is a red flag? Well, I'll talk specifically me and then we'll move to general. I don't like doggy style. I know I'm very much, I don't like it. Because you do give Chihuahua energy. Oh, for sure, for sure.

Like hump my leg. Oh, oh, for sure. A hundred percent, bo-h-h-h-h-not-not-old, but like energetic. Oh, yeah, yeah, very, very much so. very, very much. I'm like a very like S&M Chihuahua in bed. That's what I would, that's what I was, that's what I was, yeah, yeah, spit, a lot of spit. Um, but, but I don't, I don't like, I don't like, I'm gonna throw a tennis ball, it's fucking sick. I go, what's that? You know what's that? You're like, you're like, that's when I come. That's how I come. That's your pre-4 player. And then you're so tired. You're so tired. And then you just lie in your back, you're like, oh, God, I'm at the end of the bed. Oh, you're fake. But I don't, I don't like doggy style.

I don't like doggy style. I can't. It's too easy to come? No, funny. No, I'm not my, what are these? The femurs. Oh. My femurs aren't tall enough.

Oh. So I end up, like, I end up having to put one leg up, and it's like a whole. Yeah, and your hip flexor has to be pretty. Yeah, it's not, I can't, I'm not big enough for it. People don't factor in yet. Like, I actually have. I have tiny legs You have tiny legs

A very long torso So we'd work Maybe I worked with larger men Because of my long torso So like when we'd cuddle It wouldn't feel like he is like a little You know

Like baby Right It's like some men like that Some men are into it Yeah But I do have I have very short shins Very short shins

Short shins And so you just have tiny legs But how are your femurs though Because shins don't matter I feel like it's mostly my shins That are small I think my femurs are normal. So your femurs match your body?

We can look at it. We can definitely look at it. Where's the measuring tape? We can definitely do that. I didn't realize till college I had short legs because someone was like, you have short legs. Who is that asshole? I mean, it's class. No, it was classic like girls getting ready.

And someone was like, you know, really a short leg. And I'm 5'7. It's just all torso. Oh, hold on. But I'm speedy. Funny. Is girls getting ready? I've obviously never like been in that ecosystem.

How is that? Well, do you know that mean girls scene where the girls are like, my cuticles are bad? And like, I have big pores. Like, there is a time where girls can just like, you try to bond with each other just being like, okay, what are we all kind of struggling with these beauty standards right now? So it's like a bonding thing. But I think guys, they like own it. And I try to learn from men where it's like their value comes from so many things besides being hot. Right.

Where girls can get sucked into like at a young age being like, you're beautiful so good things are going to happen. And then when you start looking at other girls, you're like, well, if I can't compete with her, it's any bad things are going to happen to me. But I never did that because I was a tennis player. But, no, but I think that makes perfect sense, right? Because you found value in tennis. I was like, this bitch can't play tennis. Yeah, have you seen my goddamn backhand.

I'll fucking serve it to your ass. I might have macho on my tits, but I will fucking slice the shit. But you have your own issues, but I definitely did use it with dating. Like, I'd be like, well, if he wants a division one kid, I mean, he's not going to fuck Sarah from that sorority. Right. I mean, he will. but he's not going to marry her. I think that's the difference.

Oh, I would play that card so much. I was like, do you know how good our kids would be at basketball? Is your husband athletic? He is athletic. Great. He's athletic, but he's like, he's very competitive. Love it. Like, ruin a day competitive.

Yep. Which I love. Yep. But, like, I've actually been the reciprocant of that. That's not a word. Is reciprocate not a word? Reciplicator, recipient. There you go.

I fucking hate you so much right now. Kiss me. You come into my podcast, and you mansplained words to me. You mansplained words to me. You know what I don't like? This is the second time. Our last podcast, you hit me with the mansplained thing, and there was no mansplained. No, no, it's worse than mansplained.

You don't even explain why he was wrong. You just go, that's not a word. And then you let me sit in it. Right. And fight for my life to find the real word. Right. And you just watch me drown. Yeah, funny.

It's funny. That's funny. Anyway, I was the reciprocal. of like intense pressure and competitiveness where he wishes his parents cared more so when he so I'm afraid when we have kids he's going to do his whole thing and I'm going to be like don't speak to them like that but then he thinks I'm going to turn into the monster that I'm afraid of which I'll tell you one thing I will not like that's the one thing I'm going to learn from my past trauma is not to put too much pressure on my kid why are you making this

about me um I'm what I feel like this is a lot of defense Is this the macha? It is the macha. I had a rough morning with the matcha, and it's been on my mind. So here's my question. So your parents were, like, pushed, like, competitiveness on you? Or you think it was, like, it just baked into your DNA. I come from, like, a sports family.

Okay. And, like, the second I showed, like, I was... Promise? I was, like, I have, like, as a young kid, I had, like... I saw your calves, dude. Your calves are nuts up. And I was very, like, daddy's girl. Like, if he, he'd make me, like, race.

Say that's lower. He'd make me race people. Daddy's girl. God, that's so hot. He made me race people. I'll be your daddy's girl. I mean, dude, talk about, come. I'd be like how high.

No, but then going older, I feel like I'd go on dates and guys would be like, wow, you've real strong legs. And I'd be like, what? They'd be like, let me see your gums. You're, hold on, guns or gums? Gums? Gums? I feel like, guys are.

Look at me as like a physical specimen. Oh funny. Like a racing horse. Like we're, yes, exactly. Like, let me see those gums. So I didn't feel like sexy. I felt more like, okay, she'll work. Yeah, we put those genetics in.

Right. But isn't that sort of what, but okay, let me ask you. But I want it, yeah. Right, but don't, but you want the, you want in the middle, though. You don't want, let me see your gums. You want, you just want the, yes, that'll do, but also you're super hot and I want to do you behind a FedEx. Yeah, but like when the first comment you get you got. when you put on a nice dress

as someone goes whoa you've shrunk legs and I've gotten it multiple times oh no oh no and I like like it but it's like yeah they used to call me Quadsila

do they really that's a good name I was like 14 that's a good name see you've turned this onto me which is quite easy because I love talking about myself I'm much more comfortable

I'm so I'm much more comfortable talking about somebody else and you know what that's really good for dating I'm surprised you're still single because talking about other people I've only been single for like six, seven weeks. It doesn't matter how long, you're single.

Yeah. And the girlies will be in the DMs. Don't worry. You won't be single after this. Hey, guys. This feels like a dating show. I do feel, well, when I get an eligible bachelor, the little devil

is consider. Five, nine, six inches, but it's slightly girthy, and I can last a long time. And I'm sort of funny. Put your hand down. The producer's saying, stop trying to form alliances.

This is a safe female space. It is. So I looked at your website and you don't even have an about me and that is a red flag to me what oh my on your website I'm pretty sure there's no bio I'm

almost a million percent positive it says shows podcast contact um I'm did I delete it because I'm almost positive because I was walking with like mach all over me at the time but I remember being like what is this motherfucker hiding that he doesn't have

yep I took it off why who gives a shit What are you running from? But nobody wants to, no one, okay, let me ask you this. No one says, you know what, do I want to get a ticket or not? Let's see. Oh, he was on Amazon. I'll buy a ticket.

No one cares. I'm thinking more just as a professional space just to be like, okay, Michael. Yeah. What is his like little elevator pitch? Like with me, I'm like, oh, like, yeah, I'm from Brooklyn. I did this show. I got that. And I'm a comic.

Yeah, but I like to live in the present. And that's my past. There are, okay, we are, this is, we're about to get into hell because this is complicated. There's some dark shit going on here. Of course, of course. I'm so excited to delve into it.

Yeah. Because at first you did distract me, you got me in the beginning. I was good, yeah, I got you. I got you. You're like, talking about your daddy. It's just like, this is my guy, Guantzilla. This is my team.

I've been very free for this takes over shirt. So. So you're a Jew So you're a Jew I almost spit out the cell phone You're such like a New York Jew in my head Yeah yeah I am How did you end up in L.A?

I I needed a change of scenery so bad But you're from Philly? Excuse me, no, I'm from Maryland Like 10 minutes outside D.C. Okay, same thing. Exactly, exactly. The mentality is very similar

Yeah, yeah. Great crowd in Philly. Oh, my God, they don't care. They say, say, come, or I'll murder you. They love them. They're so feral. They need it. Oh, I love. They need to get berated.

Philly crowds are so good. Hey, you're ugly. Mexico, you just move on. They're like, he said it. Like, it's just great. They're great. So you, you were trying to plug the show. October 20th, guys, going to do in the Parks Casino, come out.

A lot of times I do meat and greens and people are like, oh, I thought you were so much taller. So I think maybe in pictures and on the stage, but I'm not. Would you rather people think? think you're tall and then in person be like, wow, you're shorter. Because it's funny my husband, everyone thinks he's... He looks like he's six, nine. Oh, well, people say they think he's short.

Oh, really? No, he looks... To me, he looks very tall on stage. Well, that's very nice. Yeah, and he's hot. But people think in photos that he's short and then they see him and he's not. Photos, maybe. Yeah, yeah, and photos. I don't... But it's true. Like, people think I'm tiny in person. I'm like, I'm 5'7. Like, I think sometimes they put it in your head, like, you're

some, like, giraffe. I think maybe I don't even know what it is. The energy or something, I don't know. But all the time I get in meeting grids. You say you're big dick energy on the stage. I don't think big dick energy. I think I have like maybe like, I don't know what it is, but it happens all the time.

Yeah. So your question, I think I would, I think I would want it reversed. Like people think. Under promise over deliver. I love that. It's like when I used to play basketball, it was like this short white kid. So people were like, I mean, I guess we'll fucking pick you. So are you fucking on the road?

I would say here and there in a very transactional sense you know because I would love I'm a married touring female comic so you're cheating

no if I was a married male comic I'd be cheating because women I don't care for transactional sex like I'd rather come by myself than like deal with the bullshit can you come on transactional sex

probably not that easy. I have to focus. I don't really like focusing. That makes sense. And also, like, I, I, for me personally, I like a love story. What about me? I want to, I want, I need a lead-up. You know, I want to be thinking about you. I think we did talk about this before.

Do you like, do you like a narrative with porn? Yes, I want to full, I don't have a narrative, but I want to know, like, they want it. I want it in your mouth. I want to know, like, are they going to have it? Is it going to happen? I want some games. I like games. I like porn. It's going to happen. I want a game. Well, she or won't she? That's actually a good idea.

You have porn that doesn't turn into porn. That's like a narrative. And at the end, they go, they're just like, you know, we're better as friends than they just leave. It's just called blueball.com. Yeah, but it's good, though, right? Because then you're like, oh, shit, hold on it, is it going to happen? But then maybe the next episode it happens, but you got to check.

But you have to check, exactly. Yeah. But now you watch porn and like, all right, put it in her butt. We know what's going to happen. You guys have to listen to our episode on stiff socks because that's the difference to me and my husband. He's like, just put it to when they come. And I'm like, no, it's gross. I need, you know what?

I have, for the longest time, have been, like, right to the head. Let's skip to the, let's put it, let's get to the head part, right? That's my favorite starting point. See, the head, I hate the head part. I'm just, because then I'm just thinking about, like, in the back of my throat, like, out, out, out. Now you're being through your nose. Now you're jaw sore. Now you've got to push through.

I'm not to fish one at Dixucky, but like. What do you think you're, like, Oklahoma City College? I'm very good because I had a very slutty friend in college. And she, you got to talk. She was very informational, and also, like, it's a mindset. It's, like, an athlete mindset. Like, you just got to push through and, like, be competitive about it. Be competitive, like, with his cock.

Like, I'm not going to let you win. And or also just, like, I'm going to fucking do this better. I'm the best. Like, I don't know if my skills are necessarily better, but I will work harder. Right. This is you at 16 talking your tennis coach. How hard do you want me to jump? Daddy.

Do you call your husband, daddy? No. Oh, really? Because it could be. It's too literal. But I'll say, like, to my cat or my dog, like, when he comes, I'll be like, daddy's home. Like, letting my cat know, like, he's got her daddy's home. God, that's, fuck.

But I'm like, Daddy's Home. You know what's so hot on dating at profiles is like, oh, my dog needs a daddy. I'm like, I'll fuck that. I will walk the shit of that French bulldog. Like we, my relationship, some people were like, oh, relationship's hottest when, like, we go on vacation.

My relationship's hottest when we're fostering a dog. Oh, walk me through that. We, like, play family. And, like, him taking care of the dog, him being frustrated with the dog. Oh, we got to train him. Like, him caring for the...

Sometimes the way he cares for the dog, I'm like, oh, fuck, I want that. Like, I get jealous a little. Hold on, you want him to do that to you? Yeah, like, the way he cares for these dogs sometimes. Hey, that's sick. No, but, like, it's passionate. Lie down.

Good girl. Like, or he'll be. You're like, oh, you could, you hungry? Like, the way he cares for it. It's just hot for me. Because guys don't show that side of them. Right, right, right. So, like, when he does it with the, he foster's pit bulls, which is like, I'm like,

if he could handle this pit bull, he could handle my ass. Stop turning it to me. Okay. My question. So I did that, dude. I'm so good at that. I'm telling you. It's in my top five best skill sets.

Just throwing it on someone else. I'm like, yes, I do hear that. That's incredible. Tell me about your cousin. Please tell me more about your cousin's ex-girlfriend's boyfriend. So, I don't even know we're talking about you. I don't know either. What we talked about before?

Oh, porn, fast forward. But that is all. Oh, hold on. Let me, I'm going to finish my last thought. Yeah. So I used to be the guy to fast forward right to the head. I think I'm growing as an individual. That's what I'm trying to say here.

Because now I like the part where she starts to take off the clothes. I don't care why she's taking off the clothes. God, it's so hot. I love that part. Because you're like, what could happen? Right. It's this unknown. How are those nipples?

What's going to come out? Right. Who knows? A squeak toy? And, like, she's in control. Like, she, it's, I like the girl being in control. Oh, that's the worst. As in, in terms of, like, a porn situation, like, I think of them as humans, like, I want to know that she's deciding she wants to take her top off now instead of, like, his dick is being forced down her throat, and she wasn't really ready for that.

I can't do that. It's so weird because I'm, I consider myself, like, a pretty, like, dominant, I love, like, aggressive sex. But if I feel like the woman, this sounds a very obvious thing, but, like, if the, If I feel like the woman's not 100% into it, it's really gross. Yeah, and that's why with porn, I'm hyper aware of, like, of the girls. I'm a little too sensitive in that way.

I think that's the way I'll watch solo girl porn a lot because I'm like, at least she doesn't have to deal with some, like, gross-ass dude. Right, that's why I think amateur is the best because generally, no, because generally it's like a girlfriend boyfriend and they're all into it. Yeah. The angles are bad.

It's shot with Nokia, but it's still good. It's really pixelated. Because also, some of these guys in porn, like, I want to be into it. Like, it's like, for example, like, you could have a one-night stand as transactional to you. I don't want to just fuck a dick. Like, I want the guy to be like, I'm into him. Like, I fantasize about him.

I put him on a pedestal. He's a king. He's everything. I'm obsessed with him. And he literally, like, he still lives with his parents. I don't care. But in my head, make it, like, he's special. So if a guy in porn, if I see him and think he's the kind of guy that would creep me out at a bar,

I don't want to watch him fucking this beautiful girl. I'm like, get off of her. Oh, so you, so you, like, pay attention to him and kind of, paying a backstory for him. I would like him to ideally be, like, not a creep in my head. Okay. Yeah, most, actually, I would say half and half, though. There are some dudes who are, like, porn dudes that are, like, that I feel like care.

That, like, okay, but there's one guy I can't, I don't know what's fucking name, but he will, he will, like, really fuck them. Yeah. But then there's moments of intimacy where I'm like, oh, there it is. You are a caring person. It's kind of, like, comics working together. Like, you know, when you shake hands on stage when you're, like, going on stage, And you could tell when they fuck with each other.

And you're like, that's nice. It is nice. They're having fun together. They're doing work, but they're having fun. You know what such a funny moment for me is? It's when I'm like, hey, thanks, man. And whoever's the comic on stage leans in, they go, they fucking suck. And the crowd's like, wow, they're so cute together.

They love each other. And you go, you're going to fucking bomb. This is brutal. I'm quitting comedy right now. I'm quitting comedy. Don't even go up. It was my, or they'll be like, yo, I fuck that up. That's my bad.

You have no chance with them. They're so distaste. from the last five minutes. You're so fun. This room's in shambles because I'm not good at comedy. Anyways, have fun.

This is the last time you'll ever see me on the stage and I'm going to hang myself tonight. So don't even call me. Don't say anything. I'm going to get a vanilla Wendy's frosting and just jump

off the Brooklyn Bridge. It is funny. I always am awkward during those moments. I feel like I always jog on stage. All right. Like I never like

walk. I'll like jog. Like I do a little like awkward guy. Like I run like I'm like on a layup line. I'm like and she is her turn from Brooklyn. Really? Because walking it just takes so long. I, you know what? There's two things here that I'm thinking. One, I don't like when people walk like jaunt to the fucking stage. Hurry up. What's jaunt? I don't even know what it means. In my head, it's like slow walking. Yeah, yeah. And then the host is just like, yeah. It's like, come on, dude. Hurry up. And then, but what I generally do is I just walk like halfway down. So when they call my name, it takes one second of me on stage. True. Do you, are you like a walk halfway person?

I'm very aware that the seconds they say my name That three seconds is the worst part of the set for me Really? I think it's like singing happy birthday When you're just like what do I do with my hands I don't like happy birthday I don't like my birthday Getting married

I didn't like that attention I want the attention of being on stage and I earned a laugh Not you just clapping because I'm existing Did you have like a big wedding We had like I think 150 I mean for me too much I think I want like in like I highly recommend

And three people, yeah. We were beach, though. You guys did beach? We did beach on the ocean. Shoes and no shoes. Whatever people wanted. I ended up wearing shoes, but I was like stuck in the sand. But it was a great wedding, but like it's for people who chase attention every day, it was not necessary for me.

It was more like my family. But I enjoyed making it fun and getting everyone together. Stop it. I hate, hold on. I'm going back to me right now. I hate attention when it's not stand-up. I feel like I get it all out on stage, and then when people are like, hey, do you want to go to a party? No.

Exactly. Also, because when I'm at the party, I'm either 150 or zero. Like, I'm either performing, killing, go home, I feel empty, or I'm not going to have fun. I don't want to be there. I am 95% the latter. Every time I go to a thing, I don't want to, so what do you do? You don't care. Well, you're dealing with L.A. parties?

Correct. Do you deal with, like, influencers and shit? Well, very, very rarely. Excuse me, I don't go to parties. I don't. Are comics going to parties in L.A.? I think so? Yeah.

I think so. Like networking-y things, whatever. Yeah, because New York comics aren't really, comics are just, we're not, like, sceney in New York. It's, like, the seller. I think, well, I think the scenes are different. Like, the scenes are just different.

Like, I feel like it's, like, L.A.'s, like, an influencer scene type of thing. Like, oh, that guy's a TikTok famous. See, I want to, like, know them all, but I'm not trying to spend an extended time with you. Yeah, but I like, yeah. Even if I know, I think I get, I get drained. Like, my battery is at a zero.

Yes. When I go to a thing. I don't, I just, you know what it is? I'm not in control. That's why I like stand up. I have a mic. I have the lights. Everyone shut up, let me talk.

But at a party, they have to say things. We're obviously good at talking, but I always feel like group dynamics are so fucking weird. I don't like group. Everyone's energy is weird and you're like, do you want me to take over? Do you guys want to take over? Like, it's a very weird. There's no rules. I like acquiescing the entire.

I go, go ahead. everyone take it if someone like you know you're in a group and there's like one or two people like blah blah that i'm like yeah i have it that see i will easily fall into that oh you will yeah because i'm not no not compete i'll just fall into it because i'm like someone needs this conversation get better and i guess i'll have to take over you know like i'm like this is out of four we need this out of ten so i will let it i feel pressure if everyone's hang out with me i'm like everyone needs to have the best experience possible and that's why i'm fucking exhausted yeah i will let a conversation just slam into a

See, I won't. See, I'll fucking save it. I'll let it take down two towers. I don't give a shit. None of you deserve that or earned that. But I have to leave and then everyone's like, come hang out more. And I'm like, that took two months out of me. This is why I hate dating. Because eight times at a 10, I'm at a date and I'm carrying the whole thing. I just did an hour on stage. I'm exhausted.

What the hell did you do? You took a picture of food, you idiot? What is this? What is this? Can you help me? Where are you from? So going back to me, um, I feel, I felt, I felt, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I was like, what I'm trying to say is I was never like the pretty kid.

I was like the athletic kid. Yeah. But it sounds like, because you were modeling, you were considered like the cute kid. Like you were fucking cute. Yeah. How, when did you realize you were cute? This is going to sound so bad, but like pretty early. Like, because what here, two things.

You page are benched me. I know. Fucking call me. I don't understand. Like, what are you doing? Just fucking text me. Like, you have my number. I think she wants someone uglier.

I'll do a scar on my face. I'd be fucking sick. All right. But when I was a kid, I would have like grown parents. Like I remember distinctly when I was, I think I was like in fifth grade. And I was like just like messing around like smiling. And my friend's mom was like, wow, you're really handsome when you smile. And I remember it.

And it was like not okay. Dude, too my, I think I said us on stiff stocks a bunch, my podcast every Wednesday. But I, uh, two of my aunts like for real hit on me. before when I was young and then you're like the Justin Bieber of Philly hilarious you've seen that compilation right it's really bad the Justin Bieber thing it's weird the women like touching him and making him feel so awkward you know it's so awkward and it's very much like the Bieber thing you know when someone goes oh wow your kid's gonna be a lady killer you're essentially saying that my five year old is gonna fuck yeah don't do that that's so weird or when they say heartbreaker it's like

why is he have to break hearts why can't he have a healthy relationship with women He has to be a dick He has to beat them I don't understand He's six years old He just went out of walk He doesn't even know what yellow is yet I'm like that guy

Would not text me back Like some of them just have like Additude Dog I'm gonna be honest Have you ever seen a six year old With like great eyebrows You were gonna No I've seen like a six year old

On the subway before And I got nervous I was like Do you Six years old who like The parents dress them well I'm like what do you mean Why are you making them fuckable

Like what's happening Why do they have dunks on in like really great jeans and dress better than me? There's a gold chain on a baby. Why? So I've dated a good-looking men in comedy before. No, I've dated a good-looking men in comedy before. Your husband's hot. My husband is hot. Thank you.

Not necessarily him, but they like to complain that like it's really hard out there for like good-looking male comedians. Because they're like, people don't take a seriously. They're like, oh, everything we get is because we're hot. Do you feel that? No. I don't. Is that why you dye your hair blonde? No, I mean, this is actually doing the opposite of what I just.

I don't, because this, this like, it's like a thing. Yeah. I don't really like a thing. But I lean very much away from that. It's so funny, I literally just posted a picture with my shirt off, so whatever. But it's just to get clicked. So, come on, we know the internet works. But I will say that I don't, my whole thing on stage is not that.

I'm super silly. I'm like, act out, sound effect, you know what I mean? Were you a class clown? You very much so. Yeah, so you just happen to be good looking. Correct. I still say this, I really hate when, this sounds so bad. Everyone don't hate me.

I'm a very nice person, I think. I don't like when compliments are inverted meaning. I don't like, wow, you're really cute and funny. I'll kill you. I'll kill you. Say I'm funny first, because this is a thing I've been working on for 13 fucking years. Cute and funny and violent. Yep, you can say violent first.

Okay. But you know what I mean? Okay, good. Oh, yeah, but you know what I mean? mean like it's like it would be like literally like you got off stage and someone's like wow you're really good at tennis and funny you're like fuck you say funny first that's from someone who's definitely been called good looking his whole life because if i went off stage and someone was like you're so pretty and you're funny i'd be like thank you really but i tell people but the pretty thing

is you don't i hate when people compliment physical stuff yeah like i always say like don't like when girls are like you look so hot and this i'm like i don't don't i don't post to be make people jealous to be like look how good look I am. I don't face-tune my shit. Well, you did. I did once. There you go. And it got 70,000 likes.

There you go. And you're going to do it again. It's so funny. I just want to let people know that if I wanted to play that game, I could. But I'm choosing not to. Okay. I could be an L.A. thought. Yeah, go off of it?

But I'm not going to. All right. But if I have to, I will. All the fans, I'll be there in a second. I'll see you soon. I mean, squat videos? These girls, I have the technique. I mean, the technique.

and the fucking thighs. Literally. So anyway, I thought about it. Stop. All right. Did it again. This is the thing. You,

but I think with men and women, if you're good looking and you become a stand-up comedian, there's some fucked-up shit going on. I try to explain this to page. Because I was like, when you're good-looking, you already, like, get attention

from being good-looking and people, like, think good things of you because of pretty privilege. So if you still feel the need to go on stage every night and if people laugh at you, you have a deep, self-hatred. Yeah.

Like, the hot girls who do comedy are, like, way more fucked up than the non-hot girls. Yeah, something happened in a shed on Thanksgiving in 1993. What happened? Tell me. So, why did you not want to take a traditional path and want to do the stand-up path? Um, I think, I mean, it's definitely from... Are your parents together? No.

It's definitely from childhood. I think I was very much, like, when my mom was a single mom, and because of that, She sent it to, like, she sent us to, like, private school and did a lot of things that she didn't have to do. So, money was real tight. So there was a lot of tension in the house because of that, like, all the time. And it feels like it's your fault because it's... It feels like my fault, and it was my, quote, job to make my mom laugh. Because when I made my mom laugh, the tension in the entire house, the temperature would just, it would just relax.

Wow, that's beautiful. So that was, like, the amount of times I'll be playing, like, NBA jam in the fucking living room. And my sister will walk in, my sister, and she'd be like, Michael, can you please, can you please just, like, make mom laugh? because it's like she's in such bad mood. And I'm like, all right, pause. And now I'd go, you know, try to do it, whatever. So you not only have a really hard audience, which is your mom in a bad mood,

but you have pressure because the whole week could be ruined if she doesn't recover from what just happened. And it's like the week, but also I have like, it's the pressure of making my mom laugh so my sister can feel better too. Yeah. Because the pressure in the house, it affected me for sure, but my sister is like, it affected like a lot.

Yeah. So yeah, so the pressure was like, to make my sister feel better and my mom feel better. So that was like my job in the house. And I remember the first time I did it, like it changed the entire day. So I was like, oh, this is... Powerful. This is insane.

This is really, really... You actually feel a sense of control almost. Correct. So in 7-Eleven, when I was a kid, they had like... It'll make sense in a second. They sold like little candies on the bottom. It was like, whatever, like 10 cents for fucking candy or whatever. I was born in Oregon Trail time.

But there were little candies, and my mom, if we did something good, she'd be like, okay, you can go and get five things on the bottom, meaning you can get, like, five little candies. And there was one time my mom was like fucking pissed about something. And I was like, don't worry, mom, don't worry, mom. I was probably like five years old or six. I go, don't worry, mom. I'll get you five things on the bottom. And she died laughing. And then she said, you know what?

I'll get you five things on the bottom. So not only did I make her laugh. I also got candy. I was like, oh, I wonder what I'm going to do. It was like, this is incredible. but I think that's why so it would never like the cute thing was

was just a byproducts I never found value in it you're so right yeah I never like helped your mom no my mom wasn't like oh you're cute I want to fuck you

I feel better she's like you're fucking annoying yeah until you make me laugh correct and so that was all value yeah I feel similar because

tennis had like a lot ups and downs in the family like when I'd lose it was bad and shit but like laughter was the one thing that would always

bring happiness and like my dad was and he still is like the funniest person I've ever met. So when we were laughing, it was like, we forgot all the pressure, all everything. So it's like, that was my safe place. Yep.

Did she want you to get into, like, entertainment? No, no one did. It wasn't a thing where I, like, I was from Silver Spring, Maryland. Nobody was, like, in the arts. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, everyone, yeah. I mean, I'm not going to say it, but yeah. It was a very, like, it was a super.

I was in a very, like, sports-oriented family and a sports-oriented, like, school. so that was like that was the big thing it wasn't like oh you're a you're you're you're an actor cool it was like can you play basketball like are you on the team like that's can you yeah that's i may play sports my whole life like that was like that was the that was the value it was like funny really helped obviously yeah but like if you were playing varsity basketball like you were like respected yeah super respected yeah they do say comics are either addicts or athletes or that makes sense i think it's sort of it vend diagrams at some point yeah because you have to be You have to be addicted.

To be good at sports, you have to be addicted to it. Yeah, I was fully obsessed, addicted. Obsessed. Because they're always like, if you want to be a champion, you have to eat, drink, sleep, tennis. And you're just like, yeah. When I was nine years old, I rode on my basketball, work hard or go home. No, it's actually so abusive. I was nine.

I had burns all over, like, my... What's your last name? Yep, elbows. I'm not letting you do that. Because I would do planks on the tennis court in, like, 100 degree weather, and just hold it. So hot. And you're fucking 12 years old. and your skin is melting onto the court,

but you're just like, this is how champions are made! And that's how I didn't know when to start and stop because champions don't stop. They don't stop. Because when you stop, my brain,

and I'm sure you're the same with my brain, and now with comedy too, everyone's like, just watch a movie and have fun. When I sit down and watch a movie, I got three minutes to my fucking brain goes, really?

Is this making you funny? There's 8,000 people on stage right now or editing or doing something for their fucking career and you're watching Succession, get up and write a joke or try to get on stage. I have such a problem, like, you know, unwinding or whatever.

Same. It's the worst. Because when people go, oh, just unwind. I go, yeah, but that function of unwinding didn't get me here. Yes. I'm mental. As an entrepreneur, we can't turn the clock off. Like, oh, I'm going, I'm leaving work.

It's not sustainable. I will agree 100%. It's not sustainable because I am so fucking burnt, I'm sure you are too. Yeah. But, like, yeah, I mean, I think about just driving the BMW off a cliff consistently. Yeah, I got a BMW. What up? Girls, damn me.

Worst Paige. But my therapist said this to me before. Paige wants a Lamborghini book. Oh, Jesus. She really does. Well, I can't do that. She's got to find somebody else. I don't know what's happening.

So you're in your 30s. Why do you think you're still single? I mean, it's so funny. You're framing this like I've been single for 12 years. I just got to have something that was over two years. Did you think you were going to marry that person? I thought there was a chance for sure. Yeah.

Yeah, for sure. She was the first, I'll be 100% on it. She was the first girl that I was with that I was like, that my dad would be like, so do you think? And I'll be like, I mean, maybe. I could see myself with this person, like marriage and kids and stuff, for sure. What kind of green flags do that for you? I think the support, like unbridled support. And I, when the support, I believe.

the support they're given. Do you know, sometimes you get, like, fake support, like, oh, yeah, you have to go to Cincinnati again? Yeah, cool, I can't wait. But, like, it's, like, an excitement. It's like, oh, my God. How's your show? Yeah, oh, my God, really?

Good. That's awesome. So, like, we had reservations. I canceled them. It's totally fine. I know, like, your career is important. But anyways, so I was thinking, how about this Tiffany Bracley?

Some of these comics, though, like, I've dated them, and they're like, no, comedy's number one. And then you're number two. And I'm like, I'm a comedian, too. You don't think I feel the same fucking way about you, you fucking dick. Like, also, you don't have to rank all your priorities like that. Like, it's not that serious. Like, it's so, it's so, like, based.

It's based on the situation. Get your pussy out of my face. I don't want it. I don't want it. I got to think of punch rights. Okay, fine, I have a little pussy right now, but then I'm back to punch rights. As soon as I come, I swear to God, you have nothing over me. It's like you don't have to pick one or the other.

But do you really believe that? Do you really think you don't have to pick one? Well, I'm in a situation where, like, I'm with a dude who is letting me put my career first. Right. Right. But I'm able to be married and then be like, and the way I'm happy is chasing what I love to do. Well, because this is, he's not a, he's allowing is a crazy word, but he's like, he's okay with you putting. And he's sacrificing a little bit.

Of course. Yeah. Of course. We're both, we're both, you have to sacrifice a little in a relationship. Of course. And I think that's, that was a big green flag with me with her. it's because she like, I don't think she would ever phrase it because it, the funny thing is it ended because that got like really crystal clear, like the whole like, oh, so I'm, so I'm

for sure not above comedy. I think in the beginning she was okay with it. I always like to say, like, you're okay with somebody for like a year, year and a half, and there's a fatigue that builds up. I think it's because it's two comedians that it's like, well, we're doing the same thing. There's a lot of understanding. So maybe if he had a different career, he'd be like, oh, well, comedy's affecting A, B, C, D, EFG.

Where with us, like, I'm on the road, and he's like, yes, oh, my. Right. So it does help in that capacity. And you understand completely what the road is and what's happening on the road and, like, the importance of it and, like, all that kind of stuff. You know Tanks? Yeah. So she is known for this, like, box theory she talks about of when a guy meets a girl,

he immediately puts her in a box. Like, I'm going to marry her. Or, like, she's just a hookup. Do you believe in that? I do believe in that, but I do think that the box is not locked. no you know what a metaphor yeah the key the key is in your back pocket and you could use it but you know it's interesting the key's been in the box the whole time as long as the key goes in the box people are happy yeah and especially you make the box come you're good but i i feel that way

too like i've made guys where like all of them you're like yeah you could ruin my life or or give me a family like i don't know either or you don't know but you know you're attracted to them and you can make an assumption they can be in the oh that's just a transactional box and then three months later you're texting please I love you like I mean if I mean that's how to me for sure when you go oh that's just the whatever I don't really care and then they like this sounds so

fucked up but they grow on you you know and you're like oh no this person is actually well where like you wake up and for some reason you're like why do I want to see them uh oh correct yeah or like oh I'm excited for this text now uh oh dude I haven't but that's also just dopamine hits like I can literally

get an AI robot to text me and envisioned that like he's my you know husband yeah it's gonna be really bad when those things become like a thing like the AI robots are like they're like walking around and you can just oh yeah every guy's gonna like be with one they're like she doesn't she doesn't tell me I'm not good at affection but you know what's weird is I think that's gonna be the thing why you don't want a robot because you know the girls that are like or dudes too are like oh I don't care whatever you it's like can you care something yeah care about something so you don't want sometimes i think guys will cheat because like they're with a girl who's like holding them accountable

for shit and annoyed with some things and then they go for the girl who seems like she's just you know she loves them for him and then like he dates her for a year and she's doing the same thing like it's the same i think guys need it yeah it's human interactions it's gonna it's gonna be that it's also patterns yeah but you need to push pull if you just if you just have a thing that's just like just like all the way right down the center if you let me bully you it's fun for three weeks For three weeks. And you're like, can you say something back? Like, literally, yell at me.

Yeah, something. This is not fun. This is not fun. Yeah, it's like, it's like a, you know what it is? Slam or door. Something. Break something. But it is, it's like a crowd that's too good.

After 12 minutes, you go, all right. I used to be that cool girl. I used to be that pick me cool girl because, like, I know sports. It's very easy for me to be like, like check off every box. Also, I'm an actress. Like, I will literally be the, I know everything about sports. I know everything about sports. I know everything.

everything guys want. I can play with you. I could play not. If I'm a little cold, I won't even say anything because I'm, I can get through a lot of pain and I can get through a lot of stuff. Yeah, I don't know if you were, I don't know if you were pandemic, but when I was 12, I would give a third degree burns on my goddamn elbows. I could be anything for anyone. And then next thing, you know, be careful what you wish for and you're in relationships with people that you're like, wait, I fucking hate this man. And also, maybe do you hate, do you hate yourself? You hate because you hate, and then he's so confused and you're like, I'd been like, I need to get out of this and he's like but we're perfect together and I'm like

I hate who I am. I'm lying. I'm a liar. I'm a liar. I'm walking on eggshells around you and I know the second I speak up we're going to get the biggest fight you've ever been in your life and I'm going to remove myself. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you're like I don't even like that was growing up that was getting to my 30s my 20s oh I could anyone I'd be like what do you want? Well you just because I'm I also I'm a chameleon. Oh that's the worst the Camelian shit it's natural like someone's personality if you hit it off like you can lean it It's also men are very simple like it's not deep manipulation it's not oh you like the giants like yeah Elyn manning's cool

Oh yeah we're talking a big forehead joke oh my god she's so relatable Like it's very simple men are very simple creatures you know what's insane and this is you're gonna find me back I think women are insanely simple true yeah no I agree too because I am one to two To initially, this sounds so fucked up, but bear with me. I was such a victim of love bombing all the time. Yeah, to initially make, like, a woman, like, fall in love. To sustain it, it's a thing. But to initially make someone be like, oh, my God, I need that.

It's not difficult. I had one guy who would always, early on, one thing is, if he says he, like, likes you too early, he's lying. Also, if he starts planning, like, saying vacations, he wants to take you on, he's never going to take you on them, and he's lying. It's the ones who you're, like, is he into me sometimes? Like, you know he's into you, but, like, he hasn't, like, I'm like, he's not, like, obsessed with me. Those are the ones who are, like, fucking falling for you, I feel like. Like, not the ones that say the one-liners, the ones who are, like, they just want to spend 24-7 with you and talk to you on the phone all the time.

So you're saying those aren't the guys who are falling for you. Those are the guys. The ones who are saying those one-liners, like, I've never met someone like you before. Right. That's not it. Well, it's not it because, but do you think they're lying just to fuck you? Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

not that there's not potential but it's like they just know it's what you want to hear yes oh yeah yeah I understand what I'm saying but I do think like there is that there is that line have you ever like felt I hate what I'm trying to get to is these games that are occurring

yeah after you get out of like a long-term relationship you like you just feel like what's stop it can we just what's happening I don't like I'm too old to but you see that's hot that's why I tell girls to date older guys

like in their 30s, at least, 30s and 40s, because these guys are tired. The guys in their 20s, they're like, they don't even know what they're doing. They're like little squirrels. And you're just like trying to keep up with them. But the guys in the 30s, they're like, look, I've been through it.

I've had this conversation. I've played this game already. Do you want to play this game? Because I'm kind of tired. Yes, yes. And you can do it with someone else right over there. Yes. And that's what's attractive about dating these older guys.

Yeah, because they're like, oh, no, no, stop, stop. I know what's happening. I told you, my husband literally was like, are you playing games? And I kind of was. Like, I think I posted something, kind of make him jealous for something once. And he was like, if you're playing games, that's totally cool, I just, I can't do it.

Yeah. I fucking thought that was the hottest thing ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because also, it was him being vulnerable. He was like, I like you. I'm trying to make it work. And you're being a dipshit. And I was like, wait, I am a dipshit.

And I'm insecure. Yeah, yeah. And now I'm obsessed with you. Yes. Yeah. That makes it. Well, it, it, it, the older thing, it takes, it takes history to understand, to be able to call it out, right?

Because when you're in your 20, You haven't experienced enough to even, like, find it. And then when you're in your 30s, too, you have the confidence to be like, hey, stop. And it's communication to be like, hey. Communication. Literally, he's basically like, I thought you were on my team. It's okay if you want to play for that team. Yeah.

But then I'm in a different league. Yeah. Like, do you want to be in my league and on my team? And we'll be together as teammates. But I need to trust you. If I'm passing you the ball, you can't be fucking, like, I'm just making basketball. I'm literally a retired old man. I love it.

Question. Give it to me. How's your anxiety, depression? Not really anxiety. Depression for sure. Just like these feelings of just like crazy sadness. And I think the thing that scared me, my last pretty big bout with it was maybe like three, four years ago. And normally before that, I could like, oh, I'm feeling sad because of X.

Oh, I'm feeling sad because of Y. The last one was this like four week or maybe even like almost two months. And I couldn't point it to anything. Because I'm like, dude, everything's going great. Like, I have a good relationship. My career's going great. It was scary. And that's when I like, well, I got, I wasn't in therapy at that moment.

I got back into therapy because that that was the scariest shit. So I'm like, I would wake up and I'd be like, the fuck's the point of getting up. Look, what am I, what am I doing? This is what we're doing. I'm going to put on pants again. Cool. How did therapy help when you were in that place? I think, I think just really trying to dissect it.

was insanely helpful. Talking to someone that, like, wasn't a friend was super helpful, obviously. Who didn't just, like, slap your dick after? Yeah, I just, like, dude, I mean, here's the thing. I actually hang out with really, like, emotionally intelligent friends because I just generally gravitate to those people. So I don't really have any friends that are like,

hey, well, you know what you are? You a pussy. That's what you're fucking. Maybe that's why you're depressed because you're too much of a. pussy. None of that helps. It's going to make plant, you bitch. None of this is helping.

I'm going to fucking swallow so many oxycodden after this conversation. But yeah, talking to friends, obviously help a little bit, but talking to the therapist really, really helped. And I honestly think it just passed. And I don't really know, I don't really know what it was. I think actually, there was a big part, I think, mixed in there where we're athletes, you know we've been training since i can remember so having that what is it dopamine yeah having like dopamine release working out all that time i hurt my back a little bit so i couldn't work out that

was probably the trigger for i probably had a lot of shit bubbling underneath but that was a trigger because i could not work out i couldn't even get on an exercise bike like it was a problem wow you're pretty self-aware i try more self-aware than i thought what's happening you're on your phone No, I'm actually pulling up our final game. Oh, I love it. Okay, let's do it. And I'm calling it a game, but it's not really a game. It's just questions.

Okay. It's called The Seven Deadly Sins. Seven Deadly Sins. What are you greedy about? Money and bitches. No. Pussy money, wheat. What am I greedy about?

I'm greedy about getting my way. you sound fun to date um it's a collaborative my way I made it think it was your decision why are you confident that your way is so good it's not it's not nine times ten it's not it's not it's not it's not what it is

I guess I think I like I articulated not not super well there like I think I'm with with my own time I guess I think that's a better way to put it I'm greedy with my own time Were you always? No, not before stand-up With stand-up I got really like greedy

With like my alone time And what I need to get accomplished in my alone time And like the hey babe what are we gonna get to eat Please please I can't no stop It is hard because like we're during the day You're technically like not working but you are working And when you're with someone you like can't fucking focus on just like Correct

You're like I have to think and they're like what I'm just thinking like I might come up with something I might not but I can't with you breathing down my neck right now. You're like talking to me even if it's like a good conversation now all of a sudden that thought's gone so like I think I'm definitely greedy with how I spend my alone time. I got

fucked up with stand-up because when I first started I got advice from like the New York comics. They were great to me. They took me into like if you want to be a real comic just what you got to do. One of them they're like my number one piece of advice is never say no to stage time and I was like okay and then like it was like three years in I was doing well

and I got on the phone with him once and I was like I got to let you know like I've I'm exhausted and I'm burnt out but I still have not stopped with your advice of never saying no stage time and he goes whoa whoa that was just for the beginning like I don't mean like now yeah so I realized with stand-up like it's hard because I have my friends and we up like hey can you do my show yeah and at first I was I was always down to clown and now I was like oh fuck I'm so overdoing it how do you choose when like you actually need a break even though stage time is like practice I am

I'm getting I think the last year I've gotten way better at it and I think it is I like to think of I take a step back and I go is this gonna make me

a better comic and so if the show looks fun dude this sounds fucked up but sometimes I'll be like take a picture of the show like send me a picture of the last show

and a lot you know it's funny a lot of people do it even before I ask they're like this is the last show and take a video to like show me what the show is whatever so if it

if I feel like I can put a notebook down and work on stuff in front of people who are going to be receptive or not if the fucking joke sucks, but just give me an option for it to give me a good gauge on the new stuff, then for sure I'll do it. My thing is I was traveling so much

that then when I'd get back and I'd go on stage, I didn't have time to write. So I'm like, I'm just regurgitating the stuff that I've done hours of material in the last week. And then I was like, this is not helping me. I'm just so sick of this material now. So the one thing that I super try to do is I try to, if I'm doing like the hour, I try to like, all right, these are the, I like on the plane ride, I go, cool. This is, this is the two new bits or three new bits or whatever that I'm going to actively try to work on.

That makes me excited for the set because if I do, because I haven't filmed a special yet, so I'm doing stuff that's like three years, four years old. I want to blow my brains out. Yeah. So that like, whatever, 10 minutes of new stuff, I actively try to work it into the road stuff. So then when I come back, the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday spot. I'm still working on that, you know, 15 minutes, whatever it is. And then so I clean it up, clean it up when I'm in LA and then when I get on the road, then when it starts to fucking go, then I go cool and then I pick some other stuff.

But it's so funny because when you're doing, you know, like six shows in one weekend, that stuff that was new on Thursday feels like not new by the end of the weekend. And then you're going to a set on Tuesday and you're like, I have nothing to work on. And then we're like creating content on the side. I got a little naughty because I started like loving. posting TikToks and then I was like I haven't wrote a new joke in six months but my TikTok's popping

but dude's important again it's like I'm selling tickets because of TikTok it's so important so I think like I think I because we have the same brand in terms of like go do fight I think a thing that's sort of I'm still a nut job but I think what helps me so much so I go am I a better comic than I was yesterday

and better comic could mean this clip went stupid yeah I sold X amount of more tickets because it's because I spent six hours editing this thing that I write a joke no yeah but this is this is also incorporated in am i a better comic you're so right with that and sometimes I do like a shitty gig because I always think even when I do bad I'm like oh next time I'm in that position I'm not going to be as scared because I did it of course I'm very positive with the negativity with stand-up with tennis if I lost I'm like you're in violation

quit this point you're stupid when it comedy like something weird happens I'm like you are so much more experience now. I wish... The self-talk I'm better with is comedy. Oh, my self-talk is horrendous. So bad. It's so bad, dude. Comics enable each other, too. Like, they sit around, and it becomes this, like, negative self-talk fest. That's one thing, and not to make this L.A. versus New York,

that's one thing that happens a lot here more. You're amazing. You should have a billboard. You're like, this ate my cock for 27 minutes. What the fuck are you talking about? L.A. People are like, you really inspired me up there. And I just feel. like you've been putting it all out there and I'm just really um the way you got no laughs it's like

oh hang on you're an artist the way you that's a very like actor shit though to be like I really believe in you where New York someone's like you deserve to die after that's it yeah I think either either one either one's not good I prefer you deserve to die yeah because that's how I feel same same I'm like if someone says good set in New York I'm like do you want to be in my podcast like what leave me alone I don't I don't need anyone say a good set I need to say a good set I need to say a good set to myself, ooh, I need to say, I need to, there's been times where my ex would come to shows and she knows I'm a fucking nut, like, nut case if I feel like I didn't do well. There's some shows that I would get off stage and she would just be expecting me to be upset. Yeah. And I'm,

and she's like, so how was it? Like, expecting me to fucking blow a gasket. Yeah, she's in an abusive relationship. I mean, for real, for real, like, a little. Abusing myself. Abusing myself, exactly. Yeah. But my point is, like, there's sometimes where like the show, I guess, objectively, you're like, maybe he didn't crush, but I'm like, yeah, but I, I had a good time. Yes. And I worked on the shit I wanted to work. I didn't let the audience control me. So I'm actually, I learned a lot and I'm very, very happy.

So one thing that I learned from tennis, because I was so bad with results to the point that I would, like, freeze up. I'd have, like, performance anxiety is because I was so result-oriented. Like, on the court, I wasn't even like, I want to enjoy the feeling of, like, the ball in my racket. It was more just like, if I lose this match, I'm going to kill myself. Yeah. And so with stand-up, I was like, you're not going to be like that. So the goal is just, you're not result-oriented. Like, yeah, I'm aware if I'm killing or not, but it's more like, did I improve?

Did I work on the jokes I want to work on? I'll get off stage. And then I also forget shit real quick. Like, after two minutes after, I'm like, okay, I got what I needed. I recorded this. And then I'm, I don't even think about the performance. And that's like, that's a thing that I've, it's a level of caring. I think it's because I cared too much about tennis where like stand up, if you care too much,

it's not just in line. It's with anything. If you care too much, you actually, like, stunt yourself. Yeah, it's. I like to think about, like, squeezing the bat too hard. Like, if you're squeezing the bad, you're like, I'm gonna fucking out of the dog and you can't punch. You can't punch someone hard if you're squeezing.

And that sucks, but it's like, you know, when you occasionally have those gigs that have a lot of pressure and you're always like, why was I not as good? And then when, like, you don't give a fuck, you kill. Yeah. But it's like, how do I care to not care? It's very thin. Like, there are two things sparked in my brain.

One is like I tried to, like, yell at myself before I go and stage with my buddy, you're going to have fun. Yes. You're going to have fun. And I go, I don't. care if I've said this on stage audiences a bunch from like I don't care if you guys don't have fun I'm gonna have a good time so

and then if I have a good time it doesn't the results don't really matter because I had a good time. Jessica Kirsten I once saw her at like Gotham and she was like just not you guys know I'm a star she's like I'm I've I've this that doesn't mean shit to me I know she's like you're lucky I'm here okay

and now I'm gonna work on my shit and it was so like in the crowd I thought it was the funniest shit ever too but the truth is with standup is if you do actually have fun they most of the time have fun too it's so hard to look at someone having a good time and be like nope you like you have to and the other thing i wanted to say real quick yeah i know we're moving on no the other thing i want to say which i think it was super beneficial which i'm trying to like put into my vernacular consistently to myself is you get off stage you're like i didn't like it and then

immediately go okay fine what did you like and it sounds like gratitude journal hey now it sounds so easy but that my brain never worked like that my brain goes i fucking hit it everything what did i hate. It's like, cool. Or what did you like? And that little switch in my brain changed everything. Because then I go, oh, dude, that new tag is good. That thing worked. And then I go, I go, what actually happened? Because if I get offstage and I don't like it, I go from minute, from zero to minute 28, I suck the whole way. Yeah. No, you didn't. One new thing sort of didn't work and you want to burn your car down. Also, have you ever watched a sit after and been like, oh, that was actually a good set? 100%. Is it crazy how you're? It's like a conversation.

station or be like that was so weird and then you'll talk to them and they're like you were so funny and amazing to talk to and you're like I thought I ruined your day correct but you know what you know it's fucked though is people even if I have like a if I feel like I had a whatever set and people like like all these members like bro good fucking set I want to be like hey you're dumb yeah you don't know anything yeah that was horrible if you enjoyed that you're stupid also I am much much greener in comedy than you yeah in that I still have that thing where I'll sometimes I'll have a rough time and I'll go damn I'm so proud you're even doing stand up like I'm still in that place where I can be like oh god damn it I've never said to myself even

when I was six months in I really I'm just I'm like you I'm maybe it's because I'm a woman too like it's like sometimes I just stop and I go wow it's pretty awesome that you have the balls to do that yeah no then I just go home it is like I also do you wish do you wish do you think that that that kind of like self-talk happened because you started kind of later so you already had like a foundation of like who you are that's the thing like people will be like oh like you're so green and I'm like, yes, I'm green maybe specifically in the art of stand-at comedy. Not like writing jokes, not like comedy

producing, just stand-up. But I'm like, but I've had lived four different lives until this. I've failed in so many careers. I've been fired from so many jobs. Also, even reality TV, I'm like, that shit was, I was getting serious, fucked up entertainment trauma while you were doing open

mics. And like, they're both a different kind of experience. My thing is like a bad day on stage is a thousand times better. than a bad day on the tennis court for me, because tennis was really fucked me up. That's great. No, it's great. So I have perspective.

Word. Where some people, it's like, this was all they wanted to do, and that's all they ever cared about, and that's how it was with tennis. So other people were able to just leave the court and live their life, where I was like, well, I'm miserable until my next match, and if I don't know that. Like, I fucked up in other aspects to know that I can't live that life anymore. Yeah, I think I'm fucked because...

No, no, because my brain's fucked because the way that you feel about tennis or did feel about tennis is the way I feel about anything that I do if it's poker if it's fucking golf if it's basketball right now

I'm getting better but right now everything for me is tennis so it's bad like I literally I do it I played basketball five years ago well tennis is for crazy people and it's the one sport that like you can lose your mind on the court and it's like socially acceptable like you'll have a full mental

Breakdown. Dude, I love tennis. It's an incredible. I love it. I have it on 24-7. I'm going to the French Open next week. I am I still love the game more than anything. I just couldn't. The competition part, like, it got too complicated and heavy for me. Yeah. I mean, dude, I'll be playing with my buddy and I'll lose just like one game. And I'll have to be like, Michael, you're not a professional. Like, you're a comedian. What are you doing? My thing, though, with comedy is like, I feel like stand-up kind of found me. me. So when I again that headspace where I'm like how could you I'm like whoa whoa whoa you could do something else tomorrow so I like keep myself I'm like you could go into acting tomorrow okay where I'm like where tennis I was like this is all you have and you're nothing without it but people who were tennis players

who would say I need balance in my life like I'm not always a tennis player I'd be like how you can be the best tennis player with that mindset. Yeah what balance? What are you talking about balance? This balance is so dumb. But I realized that balance gave them freedom that I didn't have so it's a thin fucking line but it's more More like if you feel like you're going to die, if you bomb out there, people can smell it.

Correct. And I've seen it. And I can see it. Oh, yeah. It's like gross. It's like a date where you're like, if you don't choose me to be your wife, I'm going to lose it. You're like, you know, I thought you were great, but now you're freaking me out. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You're in the box of transactional. But also, stand-up, you could lie to yourself. Like tennis, you can't lie if you lost. I'll lie to myself a stand-up. And in a positive way where it's like, let's say I sucked and try stuff. I go, you were tired? I'm happy.

You even got up there. God, I'm jealous. So that's where I've, that's helped me. Like, I'm very nice to myself a stand-up because I've been so mean to myself before. Yeah, I'm so mean to myself in every capacity. Yeah. But the second I realized I had a choice to be nice

and it actually made me perform better. Yeah. Shit got real. Yeah, yeah. Like, dreams started to happen. Uh-oh. Like a manifestation. A manifestation.

Like crystals. Oh, hey now. Like astrology. Okay. I'm a Leo. D.M. Me? Are you a Leo? Yeah. Yes, how am I? We're the same. Really? Yeah. August 12th. August 7th. Yeah, we're insane. What's your other signs? I don't know. Yeah, you do. Um, who are you envious of?

You. Um, who am I amvious of? I'm not envious of... A Leo Queen. Because I'm my own person. Are you envious of a type of person? You don't have to say a specific person. Um, I, there are parts of me, part, uh, there's Who does your dad love? Who's my dad love? George Clooney, I don't know. No, this is the answer. Or my answer, not the answer. I think that I am envious at points of people who,

like, there are certain people that when they talk, they have these, like, strong POVs about every sort of topic. Do you know what I mean? Like, those people, like, you know, like, if something happens in the news, Okay. If people, if people, if something happens in the news, they go, oh, I wonder what Blank thinks about this. Let's go ask them. I have never been that person. No one gives that fuck. They don't go, oh, damn, a war in Iraq. I wonder what Blow thinks about this. You know what mean? Like those people, I'm sort of envious of like those like deep fingers that people like,

you've never had a thing happen in pop culture where they're like, please talk about this on stiff socks. I want to see what you guys are going to say. Yeah, but it's like, it's about like, oh, a guy swallowed a snake what do you think you know what I mean like it's like that shit it's not it's not like important stuff but I will say that's why that's why like in stand-up I've battled myself a lot where I'm like because I'm just like super silly I do act out so I'm like just like likeability type guy right yeah but then I look at like bill burr and he's holding the mic stand being like this is fucking women and I'm like god people care about what he says you just like passed over like ability like it was just like ability She's so fucking hard.

I know. It's so hard. And I feel like I'm similar to you where I'm like, yeah, I'm not solving any world issue. But also, we're both smart. Like, you're mentally ill because you're too smart. Your brain is moving too fast. You have too many thoughts at the same time. Oh, too many thoughts for sure.

For sure. Someone's like, what are you thinking? I'm like, do you want to, you have 12 minutes? It's not okay. Smart people are so, like, overstimulated by the existence. The existence. Just period? Like, if you're too aware, like, self-aware of existence, you can't exist.

Well, I don't want to exist, to be honest. None of this is real. Like, you know what's so funny we sit on microphones and like, oh, come. We officially broke him down. But it's like, I don't want to exist. It's not real. This is fine. This is fine.

You believe in an afterlife. No. None of this is real. You think this is real currently? It's not. You put on pants, not real pants. Oh, God, he's not real. None of this is real.

Birds aren't real. So what's the point of... The earth is definitely flat. What's the point of you existing? I'm trying to figure that out. I don't know. Same. Anyway...

Sometimes when I hike and I get real to the top by myself and I just sit there for a second... You want to jump? Yeah. But sometimes when I just sit in the moment on like a gorgeous day, on like a hike or something, like looking out in nature...

As New York, you've lost me already, but continue. Well, you can visualize this. You've seen movies. Top of a thing... La La Land? Uh, no, that was the worst movie ever Everyone fight me Fuck that whole movie

Everyone's like, oh, it was great Was it? Was it? The opening scene looked like a sketch from S&L Fuck this whole goddamn movie My friend Ashley Gavin goes A jazz movie with no black people Seems strange That's my favorite take on it

Seems strange It's hilarious Not one black person Seems strange Anyways, world is not real What's the next question? I think you're about to say something important No, not at all

Not at all It's just, it's just, yeah Oh, that's what I was gonna say You're right Get to the top of the hike You're looking at some nature That's the only time Where I go, wow

Maybe Maybe this is real Like maybe there's a point to all this Just in that, like in the moment And then I get a text for my age And I go, nothing's fucking real It is, that's why I need to start meditating But people meditate

Because you get to a point Where you actually feel just like a plant Where you're just like Breathing in and out And you're like, I am just existing on this planet and it's cool. It's cool and we don't have to overthink it

and then you go back to your bullshit. Yeah, people overthinking existence. Like, what is my plan here? I mean, fuck your plan. But I feel like that's human to be like what do you want me to do. Yeah. Like, I'll do it. Where am I coming next? I wish I knew what I was going to do. What did I say? Oh my God. What am I going to put my dick in?

Okay. I'm so horny right now. When was the last time? Not because of you. Thank you for sex. I mean you're married I don't know what you know what you know what I mean what's yeah my husband's gonna beat the shitty you after after his podcast he could

he definitely good What is What was last time you had sex Uh three days ago With who Uh It's just just just just just

Just yeah just Instagram just app All they're asking me specifically who What app are you on? Raya And Bumble You're lazy Uh yeah

You're not even Hinge You just sim back on Bumble And Raya Raya is Raya is like a one of those See, but Raya for women I feel like sucks When I was on it

It was just like DJs Yeah But for us it's just people Who are like Model, model, model, model Ugh First of all, too tall Second of all

What? Every single one If I see And then I see, then I see Model is also a loaded term these days Correct What are you modeling? You're a pussy

Which is fine We love a sex worker We love a sex worker I love a sex worker dude Yeah I mean But only fans It could be

I don't even think OnlyFans is sex work. I mean, I got it is obviously, but it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's, LA. Oh, there's not all OnlyFans people here. There's one. One person. One comic or two comics. Yeah, but I'm talking about just generally. Yeah, it's not. Does Page not have OnlyFans? No. Dumb. I know. Do you want to make bags? No, I know. You should too. Just your calves. I was going to do just my feet, because you told me. me. You do have nice feet. Yeah, my arc. You do have nice feet. Which is something I would, I said, but not because of who you are, just tennis. I was like, oh, they're probably fucked. See, can I show you my feet right now? Because my pedicures, it's grown, it's very bad. I want to see if you still think it looks good. Okay. Harry. Art's great. The hair, like, for real needs to go. God damn it. Harry on the top of my foot. And then I grew out my. Okay. Here's the thing. The hair is, I'm not joking you, is such a big problem for me.

But everything else, calluses, I can, that's, that's deal. I've just been, I've been walking. The caluses are fine. I'm going to try to, like, forget the pedigure existence because obviously we can do it. Now I feel like you're trying to paint with your feet. But the structure of your toes are, it's really, really attractive. It's just, and. Wait about that top of that toenail?

Let me see. Yeah, vile. I had a ski accident. It looks like driftwood. It's terrible. love herself she's you know when it grows out and it's like wavy yep yeah well actually no i don't what are you talking about so if you lose a toenail and it comes back it comes back but this one i just need a pedicure anyway thank you for the review so much okay i'm skipping some because you're

taking too long i love how you just put that on me this is your podcast and you're putting it on me all right what do you do to cope with your hell when you're going through it when you are in your darkest place what would you tell the little devils on how to get out of it very similar to sort of what i said before it's like what's actually happening because you're not actually in hell so take a step back and like all right what is real here nothing because we're living in a simulation but um but what's actually happening i think it's super super important because the hell that you're putting yourself through i'm the worst no one likes me i suck a comedy i'm whatever the fuck none of that is actually happening. So what, for real, is happening? And then you can, that's much more like, you can dissect

that much easier than just being like, I suck. Because what does that mean? That helps me tremendously. And I think something that's undervalued is breathing. I think undervalued is just going for a walk. Going for a walk really, really helps. Going to the gym really fucking helps. There's times that I'm like, livid, and I'm like, why the fuck am I so mad? I go to the gym, come back and go, oh, there you go. How long do you go to the gym? Um, like an hour. I actually have like something in, I have like a setup in my apartment. Like, yeah, so I just go into office.

Hey now. I have a tonal. My thing is when I go, ooh, when I go to the gym after 20 minutes, I'm like, I, I get distracted. I'm like, I need to answer some emails. Yes, but that's why I think, I'm totally with you. That's why either I try not to bring my phone in. Like I have a, like I have an Apple Watch. I can listen to music with my Apple Watch and I don't put my phone in, which really, really helps when I went to the gym.

And when I go to the gym, go to the gym, when I fucking. I have, you know, when I walk in my office to work out, I take my phone and put it in the kitchen so I can listen to music. Wow. But so I don't, because I'll look at it. I'll take an hour and 50. And also, with a tonal, flex, I have one. With a tonal, it, like, you have workouts.

Like, you're working out with somebody. Yes. You're just watching them. So you can't really fuck around the phone. Do you work out on the road? Uh, I would, in the last six to seven months, no, because I keep getting Airbnbs. Oh.

Which for me is so much nicer My thing is after two shows If I wake up next morning I don't want to work out I actually do want to work out on the road But I just don't have access to it Which is I could literally just bring bands You could also do sit-ups

Correct You're being lazy Yes I am I'm disappointed I should be But yeah I can't I'm always like I need to rest I need a rest for my art tonight

I will say though sometimes I have like worked out Like before a show And I'm like a little sore and I'm fucking tired. No, yeah. I like to lie to myself, like, you're going to be too tired on stage if you do it 20 minute, you know.

Yeah, yeah. If you're like a baby one, but I've definitely worked out to a point where I'm like, like, an hour in and I'm like, I'm, also I work out too late and it's like five o'clock and I'm running into the shower to go to sound check.

And I'm like, my muscles are still like, I'm like still tight. I'm like, what am I fucking doing? Also as a girl, like, if I work out, that means I have to shower again, blow dry the hair, put on makeup. It's the patriarchy. You want to understand.

Michael. I developed a patriarchy. Why did I envision you just, like, in a meeting, like, raising your name? Just like, Michael, anything you want to add to the conversation? Yeah, women shouldn't be able to vote. Next question. Where can people follow you? Go to your shows, listen to your podcast.

Give me all the tea. Go to Blow Comedy. That is, B-L-A-U-Comody.com. You can see all my shows on there on a big 20-23 tour. So come out to all the shows if you want to. I have a podcast, Stiff Sox podcast, drops every Wednesday with my co-host Trevor Wallace. Listen to the episodes with me solo and me with Paige. They were both very, very high quality content.

I love them. Love them. Yes. And that's it. Also, the Man on the Street stuff we did actually was pretty good. Dude, it was so funny. Because we, like, we filmed it in the dark. Yeah. I was like, I was nervous because I was like, they're pulling the script on me.

Like, I don't know how to do this. But then Paige was being really funny. And I was like, fuck, I need to step it up. And then I was like, let me, let me say. dude you said the funniest fucking thing 9-11 yeah dude i mean i i watched just that piece i think i've seen it like six times it was so funny but it was just cool of you guys to be like let's let's take advantage of this and make some good content yeah yeah um so anyway yeah follow stiff socks and listen to giggly squad and check out my dates on the road to hanaberry dot com i'm gonna be

all the places i'm going to Vegas this weekend this episode's not coming out though i'll have been in Vegas. How do you have you done Vegas yet? I'm doing the win. Have you done Vegas, though, in general? I did Life's Beautiful Festival. I did too. How'd you like it? Average. Crowd is tough. Tough. Vegas is weird.

That's what I was just going to say. Yeah, weird. It's more weird. It wasn't a bad crowd. It just was like, I don't know where I am. People are blackout. Well, yeah. They're like blown lines of fentanyl and they want to get fucking blown and like, oh, let's laugh. What are you talking about? I don't even know what day is. I feel like asking people to focus for an hour in Vegas is like That's what I mean.

It is. It's fucked up. I'm like, why are you here? Like, go to a party. I mean, please go. Please come to the show. Go to a pool party with P and just have fun. Yeah.

Diplo suck his dick. Why are you here? Diplo's available. Yeah. Diplo's cock is not being sucked right now. I can't believe it's unsucked. And you're at the win? For what?

Anyway, thank you guys for listening. And we'll talk to you later. Bye. Bye, love you. Bye. Oh, ha, ha.