Berner Phone - Mike Feeney: Irish Goodbyes & Chorizo Nachos

Episode Date: November 20, 2019

Mike explains how his wife trained him, when he knew his wife was the one, how Irish people and Italian people fight differently, the worst comedy show he ever did, why Hannah got yelled at in a Starbucks, types of audience members, how he was in a band growing up, tattoo regrets, growing up in Long Island, drug trips, white guys punching walls, the last time he cried, and meeting Leonardo DiCaprio, JOIN PATREON TO HEAR ABOUT ALL THE DATES I WENT ON THIS MONTH HERE --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Burning in Hell, you guys. I just started a Patreon because that's what all the cool kids are doing. I'm going to answer questions like why I got fired for my job, my personal relationships. I don't know, all the sneaky stuff that you guys want me to talk about, but I haven't talked about. Welcome to Burning Hell. I've always had very positive. of vibes from this man. He's a stand-up comedian, co-host

of the Irish Goodbye podcast, and he has a debut comedy album coming out called Rage Against the Routine. I have so many questions. Mike Feeney, welcome to help. Hey, thanks for having me. It's equally as hot in here, as I imagine. You're also wearing a leather jacket.

Should I take this off? I feel like it really brings the whole look together. I love the plaid on the inside. Right? Isn't that a fun thing? You're a stylish man. I'm not. This is, this is it. It's jeans, a t-shirt. and then a jacket and good sneakers. You're actually the third married man I've ever had on.

Okay. I treat you like an alien. I'm like, you're married. He asked me if I wanted to switch headphones because I was complaining about my headphones. And I was like, that's such a married man thing to say, because I feel like you've been trained well. I guess. I mean, is that by, you're saying that's by my wife or by like my upbringing?

Your wife. Okay. That's true. Because I will say, in relation to the leather jacket and the outfit. when I met her I wore exclusively extra large black band t-shirts that was it like that I didn't own any color in my life so she's helped inspire your aesthetic yes she's all aesthetic she claims that she would like throw out articles of clothing sneakily of mine like once every like six months she'd just be like and then that t-shirt that he always wears is gone and replace it with a pop of green

here's some blue and now I'm like wow good with your eyes yes I didn't know I was a medium until like years after we had been dating. Why did you wear Excel? Because you actually thought you were in Excel? No, I here's, well, it's a number of reasons. Number one, I grew up in, like, the era of, like, Janco jeans and, like, you know what I mean? Like, big baggy things.

Also, my family was super, they're not, like, cheap, but they're, like, they love a good deal. So they'd go to, like, marshals or Bob's, like, you know, and they would buy Excel shirts for me when I was 12 and be like, you'll grow into them. You know what I mean? Like, they just thought, because it was like... It's like sizes are meant.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Just think you're an extra large. And drink some milk and you're good. Yeah, I've had Ryan Sirhant and Tank Sinatra who are married. But you're like, you're kind of young. How old are you? 31.

Okay, well, you look not 31. I know. Can you grow facial hair? No, no, God, no. I actually, I've tried for the last two years as a running joke to go for one full month without shaving at all and it looks truly homeless. Like it gets super, it's pinned straight. pin straight. It's like, oh, I don't love that. It's pin straight and thin and scruffy and itchy and

pinchy. It's nobody on either side of my family has facial hair. If you were wearing, I mean, if you had facial hair right now with what you're wearing, I'd get like a, you can't be standing out of school so you get reporting type of. Yeah, definitely. Child molesting. Yeah, like I'm going to like smoke weed with a 13 year old kind of a vibe to me. Um, not to get straight to it, but how Did you know, this is what I love to ask people, how do you know your wife was the one? I mean, you guys might get divorced, but like, as of now. Sure. I mean, there's a great chance.

There's a solid chance. I mean, overwhelming. Strong chance. Yeah, yeah. Here's the thing. It's like you, it's one of those moments. I don't think that you do until like, I mean, we'd, so we've been married for four years, but we've been dating, we've been dating for like 14 years.

So it's one of those things where there's little clues that, first off, This relationship has felt shorter than the relationships I had before her, which were like four months. That's usually it was my max. It was four months. It's like, I like the thrill of the chase, you get them, and then you get bored onto the next thing. And then all of a sudden you wake up, and it's been 14 years. Yeah. So you're like, you know, like you're texting, it's so fun.

And then you have your first, like, phone conversation, and you're like, oh, God, I hate how your mind works. Yes. And I've made up everything in my head about you, and this conversation needs to end. Yes. But with the right person, you look down, it's been three hours. Yes, or you talk all night. Yeah, and we started out as friends, I think, which was a huge thing, so we had so much in common.

And then, I don't know, I think you just start, once you get old enough, like, once you start, you've been in a relationship long enough, you go, like, pros and cons, like, if I leave this, like, what would I be, what would, if I'm trying to upgrade, what could be better? You know what I mean? She's, like, wildly supportive.

She's cool. All my friends like her, my family loves her. Yeah. She can, she's fucking, we can drink. It's human nature to stop and be like, okay, is the grass greener. Yes. Oh, sure. And your career, you're like a hot stand-up comedian.

Not a lot of you guys, well, it's because a lot of you have serious mental problems, but a lot of you are single. Right. So is it weird that you're settled down in an industry that involves like a lot of travel and like showing off? I think that's showing off. That's so weird. I don't know what you think comedy is.

Yeah. Yeah, we're just like flexing. That's what basketball players do. They just show off on the court all the whole time. They just show off with their athletic. You're like, it's strategic jokes, you bitch. Yeah. It's hard work. How did you know exactly what I was thinking?

That's so much energy. I don't know how stand-of-comedians like do this and then also have to worry about signing up for dating profiles, meeting women being like, hey, let's start and meet up and go on dates. But also, I'm not available any night or any weekend. And if I get any opportunity, I'm going to drop our, plans at a drop of a hat and go do that instead when i did a stand-up he was like okay i'm available sundays sundays from one to six yeah that was actually that because he also had a radio show so like i

would work from nine to five while he was like i don't know napping and smoking weed yeah and then from five to like one a m he was working sure so we had an intimate relationship yeah well and also i think it's like i'm very lucky so it's like i find that to not have to worry about the stress of being like oh, am I going to die alone? Like, that's a pretty good, not check that off the list. That feels great. I mean, you still definitely can die alone. Sure, and will.

But I, but at least, like, on the journey, we'll be, I'll have somebody there for a little while, you know? So how do you guys deal with your schedule? Well, I think we're both only children, so I think we both grew up, like, independent. That's great. Which is huge. And she has a regular nine to five job. So she loves coming home, watching, like, reality TV, like, smoking a little weed on the couch, chilling with her cats and then just like

unwinding, you know what I mean? That's why I remember why I liked you because I was sitting here trying to remember and I was like, why do I like him? Don't say it like that because that sounds I'm trying to remember why I gave a shit you exist. I was like, why did I ask him to come? You love cats.

One of my episodes I posted and I was immediately paranoid like, oh, all the like cat-hating people are going to get upset. But to this day, I don't understand why people hate cats so much. But like people love sharks. Sharks kill 15 people a year

And have a whole fucking week Dedicated to them The only people who hate cats Are people who haven't owned cats That's what I think it is Or somebody's like You go to a friend's house Because cats are not

Great if you're like Meeting somebody else's cat Depending upon the person Cats are like a human That has trust issues Yes Yeah you gotta earn it If you just like

Yeah if you just go and try to pet them They're like buy me a drink first Like now Yeah exactly like slow your roll Let's take steps then you can court me let's build a foundation but yeah i love that you guys have cats also you were saying that you both like to drink oh yeah we are you're irish is she irish she's italian but we are that's what was like you like you like to consume yes we're like we're not one of those like

we're not going to drink you know during the week during the day or like you know like alcoholics or whatever but like what happened sometimes accidentally i mean weekends for sure i mean brunch you know but uh you're not gonna not drink with eggs what are we doing but yeah but when we drink we can keep up with anybody I think we're we're pretty great at that so a lot of people alcohol causes a lot of fighting you guys are good at like having a functional um drinking relationship yeah i think that like it's a testament to her more really is that we have uh you know like i'm irish so in terms of like feelings you know i'm just going to be like stifle suppress barry forever uh she's italian so she'll be like loud talking screaming noise and um but she has this uh this

mental, either a blessing or a curse where she won't go to bed angry. It's like that Italian, like, don't ever go to bed angry thing. So if we ever do get into a fight, which I think is pretty rare, but if we do, we have to like hash it out and settle it that night no matter like how long it takes, which, again, very rare that that happens. But I'm happy that it does because otherwise, that's when things like fester, you start to resent. And it becomes something larger than it is. Also, I think alcoholic fights come when you're suppressing something and you two just are like

pretending something's not there. And then the second you're drunk, your inhibitions go away and you say what you're really feeling, where I feel like Italians have no filter, which is what makes us funny, but then also could make us annoying us out. Yeah. Because we say everything that crosses our mind. But I almost would rather have that than to not know where you stand with somebody. I also love the Irish-Italian combo as, like, local New Yorkers.

We came over on the boat, and we were the bottom of the barrel. Bottom rung, yeah. The firefighters, the... Irish Italian need not apply, you know? It was a thing. It was tough for us, you know. It was really hard to be, you know, white in New York. Yeah, it was a really tough, it was a really tough time for all of us.

I want to ask you a quick question about Irish goodbyes. Your podcast, is that what it's called? Irish goodbye. Irish goodbye. Just one, just one goodbye. Even though we do it regularly. Even though there's been a lot of them. Yeah.

What's the difference in Irish goodbyes than Irish exiting? That's just a cultural, depending upon where you grew up, what you say. This means the same thing. It means the same thing. It just means when you get so drunk, you leave without saying goodbye to anybody. I do that sober. Is it the same thing?

Or is that just a... No, I mean, you're channeling your inner Irish, I guess what you're doing. But it's a thing of being like, this is way too much work. And usually it's from the process of, like, I am way too drunk. But Italians usually have like an Italian goodbye, which is they say goodbye to everybody for 30 minutes. But also, my co-host and I, we get into fights about it because he has a different Irish goodbye that he does. I do a thing. I wish goodbye. You don't hear from me. I'm gone. I want it to be like a magic trick where all of a sudden. You go, when the hell did Mike leave? Where did he go? And then they go,

that son of a minute, you know, that's an Irish goodbye. And then from, and then you'll hear from me the next day. Mike Cannon, my other, my podcast co-hosts, he leaves the bar and then like sneakily text everybody. Like, hey, everybody. I left so that he can get that one last. He calls it like that one less like, hey, we love you. Thank you for coming. But he frames it as, I, you. in case they're worried about me or something like that. I go, that's not an Irish goodbye. It's not Irish goodbye. I like to sometimes, drunk people are great at not letting you leave when you want to leave.

Yes. Like, no matter, you could be like, I have to be up at 5 a.m. in two hours, and I need sleep. They'll be like, you need to stay. There's never a legit reason to stay. And you learn that over time, there's no logic to it. So I do things where I'm like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. Of course. That's a great out.

And then you're right out. 101 out of the textbook. That is textbook, Irish goodbying. There's also the, like, I'm going to make a quick phone call. Phone call. There's the, I'll just, I'll be right back. Cigarette, weed, order me. I've not even done this, I've got to go, order me another round, which is great,

because then you send them away on the task, and then they come back. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Sometimes I've done this before. I've sent somebody to get me a drink, and then I've left, and I felt a little bad about that, because I'm like, oh, now I just made them pay for two drinks, so then I'll, like, the next day I'll Venmo them for both drinks, to be like, I bought you, I bought you around, and they're like, yeah.

You're fun. Anything to get away from them? Yeah, yeah. I was like, here's, yeah, $13. That's how much it cost for me to betray you. I'm paying you to let me get the fuck away from you. Well, if you're also not in the same drunk level as other people, they are determined to keep you to stay. It just, I love Irish goodbyes. I'm like seeing this guy from the Midwest right now. And his worst, worst, worst characteristic is he needs to take goodbye to everyone when we leave. And of course, a inevitable. Someone goes, one more drink. And then he's like, one more drink. And I'm looking at him like, no. And then we like get into subconscious fight. And then when you're in that conversation, no matter how good, we could like solve cancer.

And I'll be like, this conversation wasn't worth it. I could have been in my bed right now. Isn't that the worst? Especially when you're like at the door and you're like, all right, everybody. And then when someone's like, oh, one last thing. And you're like, no. No. So I'm glad we clarified that.

Yeah. Then speaking of your co-host, Mike Cannon, I actually saw him last night. No way. I was, I saw him perform at Carolines. Did he tell you about this? No, but he actually, so he texted me last night and he goes, that show was fucking insane. And then I said, go on. And he goes, we have this thing now.

It's affecting our friendship because we're very good friends, but we have these life events or crazy stories and we refuse to tell each other and tell the podcast because it's a storytelling podcast. So we have to, we don't want to ruin the excitement. That's like reality TV. If something happens us during the week when we're not filming, we can't tell. anyone like if I hook up with a guy or like found out someone cheated I have to wait for camera so that it's the most authentic reaction it's so fucking hard and your life is like yeah you're living it in a weird way for quality content yeah I mean I didn't even find out my that Mike had

a kid until the podcast can I tell you my perspective of last night or is it going to ruin your experience on the pod yeah what the hell I don't care we're being wild don't tell Mike just don't tell him watch how good of an actor I am from the next when I do it on our podcast. So I get asked by one of my producers who's producing, and I think she's related to a family whose kids suffered from brain cancer. And they're doing this huge charity event at Carolines for brain cancer. Okay.

For solving brain cancer. I don't know the words to these things. Curing? Curing. Yeah. Curing. You did take curing cancer just moments ago. So give yourself some credit.

You know it. I don't know words. You're like, you already proved yourself. and they were just trying to be cute. And like, Wendy's, where it's, first, oh, my God, this is, I don't even know what he saw of all of it, but the Summer House cast got invited. And I was like, oh, watch comedy, it's an open bar, we're getting hammered. And the opener walks up, and he starts telling this story.

And everyone's, like, really rich and white. Like, it's like a Stetford wife, like Real House was a New York type vibe. And there's, like, a couple little kids in the crowd, too. That's also number one. of a comedy show is children there and arguably sick children so you can't even make fun of them you know did you couldn't tell could you tell if they were sick you couldn't tell but some of them had been sick oh no um and they were a little hyper right one of them fell asleep and i was kind of worried about them no that's great sleeping falling asleep is the best if you could train but not if they

have brain cancer you get a little bit oh because it might be the final sleep it might be oh no Oh. Anyway, I'm not getting into it. Now I'm sweating. I can feel my career burning in hell. So the opener starts, and I'm thinking, what kind of clean comedy can you put together right now that will appease this fucking audience?

Sure. And it's a full-on dinner, too. Like, they're serving, like, many courses. Perfect. Yeah, that's what you want. As many distractions and obstacles as possible. So the guy starts telling the story about how his grandma used to kill,

said that she used to kill Nazis with her bare hands. Okay. And first of all, it was an Aryan room. Sure. So I was a little worried about that. And then he goes on to, like, the joke, I guess, was that, like, she used to sew blankets that used to help soldiers who then used to kill Nazis. And everyone's like, okay, where's this, where's the punchline?

And then he's like, and today we're going to kill cancer. And you're like, what? It was so awkward, and then the next comic comes up and was kind of like, okay, we're starting off with a Nazi killing joke, never a Nazi, whatever. And the comedians are doing okay, but in between, like, doctors will come up and talk, and it was funny because me and my friend would be like, that doctor's bombing right now. But then I think it was right before Mark Norman came up, and Mike was right after him, that, like, they were trying to play a video that was supposed to be like the video where

everyone was going to, like, cry and donate money. But it, like, wasn't working, so there were, like, five minutes of, like, people just getting unsettled. And then some guy just stands up, and he's, like, if the video's not going to work, I just have some things to say. And he was pretty drunk. He starts sobbing. And he's, like, these doctors save my kid's life and, like, went on for, like, five minutes. And the guy was like, do you want a microphone? He's like, no, I don't want a microphone.

And then he was kind of done. And then they're like, let's see if the video is going to work now. and it didn't and then they were like and now mark norman oh my god and mark was like he says something funny like that's the best opener i've ever had or some shit and he was you could tell he was miserable then they forgot the light so he kept going i feel like i've been up here for a while yeah that's it that's the that's if you ever hear that in a comedy club that's the comedian's 911 help me it's like hey it feels like i've been doing a lot of time up here is there is there a lot did you like me oh you didn't you didn't like me okay i'm just wondering

This is a fucking hour special. Yeah. So then he finally is like, thank God, leaves. And then Mike went on. Then Mike has to deal with like a heckler in the front. Oh, no. Was it one of the kids? It was this like, apparently this Asian woman who got really drunk and started heckling him.

And she hadn't heckled anyone. She like waited for Mike to get on to heckle him. Oh, my God. And then there was a little kid that started like climbing the curtains. Climbing the curtains. He was like, is that, is that okay? Is that allowed? Yeah.

Overall, it was entertaining because it looked like just a war that they were going through. Yeah, that's horror. And how did it, how did his... I think his set was pretty good. For all the obstacles thrown at him? Yeah, like it was, I wasn't watching it as just like, oh, how is this set? I'm like, how is he going to conquer this? Sure.

He did a lot of crowdwork, and I think he ended it great. I could just tell every comedian was like, oh, they're serving steak now. Oh, we're all cutting our steak. This is perfect. Yeah, nobody, it's one of those things. where this should have never been a show. Yeah, and also having doctors in between talk about, like, dying children. I mean, I've never, I've never had anything that, I mean, I've had so many horrific shows.

And, like, but again, it's like, Mark Norman, Cannon, these guys are, they're professional, so we know how to handle all of these nightmares, but, like, I've had things where, like, one of the worst shows I ever did was when I was, like, newer in comedy, and it was one of those you're not really equipped to handle, you don't have the skill set yet. And I was in this basement in the village doing the show. And the show started like half hour late. All the audience was, like, tricked into coming off the street. You know what I mean?

Like barked in. And so they're sitting there. And the host goes on, and his first joke, it's probably like, I don't know, 11 people in the audience. The host's first joke is about Benjamin Franklin owning slaves. And it wasn't like a funny joke. It wasn't an edgy joke. It was as if he was just reciting fact. I'm fine with edgy and dark and disgusting.

disturbing if it's funny. This was none of those, and including funny. It was just like, hey, here's a fun fact. Benjamin Franklin owned slaved. Everybody likes him, but isn't that weird that he owned slaves? Like, just like a snapple fact is what he was saying. And this man in the audience who I can only like make you a visual reference to like Terry Cruz, like the guy, like the old spite, like the giant, massive, huge like black dude

ripped all these muscles. And he, there was like rocks glasses with candles in them on the, uh, on the, on the, on the thing, and he took one off the table, and he threw it full speed at the host's head, and it just narrowly missed the host's head and hit the brick wall. This is within the first, like, three minutes of it starting? First joke, first 30 seconds. First 30 seconds. And you got to know is if you're on this stage, there's a very, very bright spotlight. You can't even see, like, the front row. So something just whizzes past his head, explodes on the brick wall, two inches behind him, and candle wax

and everything goes everywhere. And he just kind of goes like, what was that? And then the guy starts screaming at him. He's like, smarten up, smarten up. And he's like, and this is like a mild-mannered accountant. He's not even doing comedy anymore. This kid, he's like this like, he was like. Well, after that joke, he had to quit.

No, of course. He was like a very like sheepish guy. And so he's like, um, what, excuse me? And then the guy had a... What time of night was this? Like 11 o'clock on a Tuesday. So maybe the guy was a little buzz. For sure.

And then he took, he started taking, he had a plate of chicken wings. And he started taking chicken wings one by one. and pinging them at the host and the host is just going like sir please stop and it's just pinging off of him and he's not trying to make any jokes from it no he's trying to fight for his life

because he's blinded and he's getting because I'd be like oh free chicken oh yeah I mean but everybody else was just mouth open and then they had to get a security guard to come down who was half the size of this man so then the guy had to go back and get another security guard it took like 10 minutes to get this guy out

they get this guy out and as they're escorting him out the host is standing there not even trying to like sorry guys about it like he's just standing there like nearly crying like trembling in fear because the guy keeps like pump faking towards him like he's going to kill him i love a pump fake is way scared than actually punching so much god i've been way more scared in my life from being pumped faked at than from being punched you know they take the guy out and the guy gets led away and the comedian's like broken and defeated and he just goes i am i'm sorry about guys and again mind you this is the first 30 seconds of the show now we're 10 minutes in he's never told one joke yet there are people in the front audience picking candle wax out of their

hair nobody's happy but they're staying for some reason and then he just goes I'm sorry guys I'm really sorry um anyway uh your first comedian Mike Feeney and then just gets off stage and then I just had to walk up to that and people are like yeah make us laugh now and you're like are you you're not going to even address the assault that just took place. Did you say that? Yeah, I was just, I mean, it was like... Because sometimes, like, what makes comedians so great is they're so self-aware, and I think the best comedians are able to make those moments hysterical. Oh, that was

the set. I mean, that was no new material being worked on. It was 100%. You were like, back to Benjamin Franklin. Yeah. There are a lot of things you guys don't know. So the man had some points, and... It's funny, because I, like, I did... I have Burning in hell, and I've always like I've been writing comedy for a while and finally I had to do a live show and my friend was like you have to do 10 minutes to stand up so I was to challenge myself so I did it and then so I've been doing some stand up and I did my first set at the stand this weekend and my friend was like do you have a solid 10 minutes I'm like I got solid like it's like nine but I'd call that solid 10 right nine is like a solid 10 sure I was like a solid 10 sure I was like feeling myself and then at around nine minutes I was I was done sure and um Remy Kassamer who was hosting and was like outside at the bar area and I was like she was there

the whole time then I looked up and she was gone and I don't I just started to stand up so I know the material except a 10 minute worst first date story okay so I was like fuck it like I might as well do that and I was like you guys want to hear a terrible first date and they're like yeah and I started enough that like I'm on a little bit of momentum with it

I'm like a minute and a half in and Remy comes in and she like gives me the light of course it's the worst feeling So I literally am just like, so long story short, he snorted coke off my tits. But like there was no even like momentum to make it even that. And I just said at the end of the joke, but kind of, I don't know, I kind of blacked out during it. But people were like smiling to an extent, but it was my first situation that things didn't go as planned because it's not like my show where I'm just like. That's the thrill of it.

That's the best part of it. But it actually, it worked out and it was okay. And afterwards I was like, I love stand up. Like you, you just wing your show. shit and yeah a hundred percent like it's like it's crazy to me it's like I don't know how I give musicians so much credit and it's like it's great that they can go around and like you know you can play one album or you play your hits like the Rolling Stones can just play what they have forever yeah meanwhile it's like I can't to me if I tell a joke for more than six months

like after I've like finished it or what I consider to be finished yeah it it drives me crazy like I don't have the same energy or excitement to do it so I don't know how you know they can play like any band or even anybody. It's funny, I saw Alicia Keys two nights ago. I had a rowdy week. I'm just going to all these events at, um, it was a Rock the Vote concert. Alicia Keys came out and she sang New York

and people like lost their damn mind. And then she just did like some covers and like random new shit. And I'm like, what the fuck, Alicia? And then I realized like she probably wants to punch herself in the throat if she has to sing like... Fallen?

Fallen one more time. Which, by the way, sorry you gave us that gift. Now keep sharing it. The world will never be the same after that, and you need to keep sharing it. Yeah, I mean, it's like those one-hit wonders that all they do is play that one song. Like, what's that song Beautiful by James, whatever,

which I guess turned, it's just these people, the one-hit wonders, it's brutal. That's what sucks if you're a one-hit wonder, if you don't even have an upbeat one-hit wonder, if you're like your one song is terribly sad and depressing and you're on the verge of crying every time, you just have to be like, all right, here we go. I mean, got to go in a bad mood.

I just have to bring myself to spiral. Also, your stand-up story reminded me, for some reason, of many times at a Starbucks for me. I know this seems random, but I'm going to bring it back full circle. I trust you. Do you know when I was like sitting with a friend and we were having a deep talk about life? Yeah. And I was like, what are you passionate about? Like, what do you want to do?

Do you want to start a blog? Do you want to write a book? First of all, that's never been anybody's dream. It's like, what do you want to do with your life? Like, I'm thinking blog? I think I'll just ride that out for the next, like, 30 to 40. And then, you know, I guess that's it. I guess.

I'm thinking a blog about, like, expensive clothes that you can get for cheap. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like, being, like, a fashion something. I'm still working on, like, the nickname of it, but if I get it, it's going to be. And it can be a coffee table book. Yeah, yeah. These are real things that are blowing up in the world right now. But are we, like, getting passionate.

And I think, I guess there's always, like, one person with some kind of psychosis at the Starbucks. For sure. This guy definitely had, what's it when you like, he had schizophrenia, I think. But he was like listening into our conversation. And like, as a New Yorker, I'm hyper aware of people around me. Like, sometimes it's fun because you can listen to other people's conversation. Sometimes it's not because I'm like, this guy is planning his murder.

Sure. So he starts like kind of mumbling things that have to do with our conversation. Like it's like, dreams are stupid, dreams is stupid. I had a blog. I had a blog once. He's like, boots are never on sale. When you go to Nordstrom, the boots, they're on sale. They mark it up, but it's really never on.

They say it's 50% off, but that's the original price. Childly, but that's what gets in China and the factories. And I'm just like, okay, he's like zoned in on me. Like, they get a focus on you. Right. So I'm just like, if you ignore them, the one number one rule when, like, tourists come here, it's like, don't make eye contact with the homeless people. So I'm just like going on this conversation.

My friend's not aware of it, but I'm aware of the guy's about the snap. finally I said something and he lost his damn mind and he started just yelling at me like all I don't even know what he was saying but like it ruins the whole mood of everyone in their workflow of course so everyone stopped and he's just yelling yelling yelling yelling and then some guy got up and was like man you got going then like the Starbucks employee with this like scrawny little dude

was like excuse me um can you can you go and the guy's like who the fuck are you I don't love this it's literally like this little guy like holding cappuccino he's like sir can you he's trying to like logically tell him why he needs to leave right so the guy like gets sent down and then he's kind of like banging his head against the window what i'm sitting banging his head and then eventually like it's just the joker he just starts throwing pigeons at you and you're like what where did you get pigeons good movie good movie and then finally he kind of goes away and there's that moment where you're like can we continue working here or has it been tarnish forever yeah

And then you just have to, and then I was like, so I think you should start a fashion blog. And the blog is wildly successful. That's the kind of reaction you need from people. Like, you don't want people to be like, eh, you want them to be all for it or all against it. Yes, you need, and here's the thing, though. That's what is so deeply wrong with New Yorkers is that we have to experience, we experience such an incredible trauma, and then we just go like, so what were we talking about? It's like, there's a man with a bloody head trying to bring.

his way through the glass. Telling about Nordstrom's shoe sale. Yeah. Like a shark trying to get out of a tank and we are just like, so. But I also think there's something so crazy about it because I'm like, honestly, like, one bad breakup and like I could be there. Sure. Like, it's such a thin line between like losing your damn mind and me giving my friend

advice about a blog. Yeah, we are all just on a tight rope of death. So that's why we're not like, who is this crazy person? I'm like, honestly, it could be me tomorrow. Yeah. I'm the fact that it's not every here's the they, the only way they say that you know if you're not crazy is if you ask yourself, am I crazy? I love that. That's what they say about narcissists too. Like they say if you question if you're a narcissist, you're not a narcissist. I had, I took one of those tests. Remember that was going around like last year? It was like, was it STD?

They, uh, we all caught it. It was one of those like you fill it out and see if you, if you're, where you stand on the narcissism scale. And I made all my like non-comedian friends, like my back home friends be like, you guys and it was like out of I think 30 or something like that and one of my friends is like I'm an 8 out of 30 he's like oh god that's so high and one of my friends is like I'm a 19 and I'm like awesome and then I did mine and it was like a 26 and I was like

well I mean I have to do this for a living so like it needed to be about me but like that's not really I do I'm putting I do think majority of comedians are narcissists I mean and by majority I mean like maybe like 65 70% 100% we are on

alone with a microphone. Talking about your lives. Just me. Yeah. Your feelings, your concerns. And you're not trying to solve any of them. You're just talking. That was the first thing before stand-up that I was like,

who wants to hear me talk at them for an hour? Like, I don't want to even hear my own thoughts for two seconds. Yeah, but that's the problem. It's like, I don't play an instrument. I don't have any tangible qualities that would make you interested to watch. It's just being like, hey, I have a PA system, and now you're going to hear about my stuff. But the fascinating thing about stand-up,

but I did this Rock the Vote concert and I had good seats and I'm watching these musicians go out like these rappers and they rap their like five minute song that like a lot of them didn't write and like they have like their outfit put together that they probably didn't put together and they perform it and then they walk out and I'm like wow doing like 10 minutes of stand-up

I feel like I hate to say it's harder but it's a whole different art form. Yeah because again the music people know the words they're there for that if you're listening to music And especially if it's a rap song, you can get the crowd up. You have hype men who can pump it up. Like, I did at this comedy festival, especially, they did the show The Goddamn Comedy Jam,

which is kind of like a carry, like comedians doing, like singing a song while there's a live band playing behind them. And then at the end of the festival of the festival Skank Fest, they brought all the performers on stage. Oh, yeah, I saw that. And so, like, everybody's singing. And like, we were doing like red hot chili peppers. And that feeling of like people, it was so packed.

And audience members are like, climbing over each other's heads to try to get to you like a zombie movie and they're like yelling the lyrics at you and it just gives you so much energy I was like ah and there's a video of me like I might be drunk I might be stoned I might be on acid and I'm I'm I'm scream pointing the lyrics at people where I'm like I don't ever want to feel like it's it's crazy well I guess yeah music is like pump people up and have like the same emotion and the same thing with stand-up is you're trying to like make people laugh but a lot of people a don't want to laugh yeah and also we have so many requirements where I'm like like if you're playing music and people are loud you just turn the volume up yeah I'm like okay if everyone could just sit quietly focus only on me and then don't make any pre assumptions about me until after everything's over and then even if you do you fucking misunderstood me about it yeah yeah only tweet at me the good and then follow me and support my career I always say um because I was dating a stand-up for a long time I would just watch I started

just watch the crowds. Right. Because I, like, knew his material. And, I mean, it was still very funny, but I'd watch the crowds. And I realized there's three types of audience members. There's the one who watches, like, she's watching TV. Yes. Or he or so they, like, have no reaction, but doesn't mean they're not enjoying it.

They're just, like, taking it in without reacting. Then there's the one who thinks they're in a full-on conversation with you. Yeah. Like, you're like, oh, don't you hate when, like, the waiter takes forever with your food? They're like, it's the worst. and like they are on they're in it with you they think they're like the comment section on an instagram post like as if you really want that comment you're like no no we don't want it this is all just yeah and then there's the audience member the good audience member that's you know

like laughing at the right time and then there's the one who's like just in a constant like they think you're like a movie um preview you know after every movie preview you go and you whisper yeah you comments next to you about how that's good so then there's the two the always like right on the side too who are like, yeah, I don't understand that one. I didn't get that one. Yeah. Oh, I don't like that one. Not for me. No, no. My cousin's retarded. I don't like Yeah, probably won't see it. But then you have other people who, there's more, there's also the ones that are like every joke they feel like is about or targeting them. You know what I mean? Where it's like, I'll tell a story about what happened in my life. And they're like,

mm, little close to what happened to me in Taiwan. What are you getting at? You're like, I couldn't know you if you fell on me. So I don't know. Or yeah, they'll be like, you'll say, like, about your boyfriend. You're like, he had blue eyes, and they're like, whew! And I'm like, this wasn't like a celebration of your, we're not connecting right now. Right, this is not what we're supposed to be connecting about. And then there's also the audience member that'll, like, they'll be a line of comedians and they'll go to one and just be like, you were so funny. And then leave.

Oh, yeah. I've had it both ways. I've had it where people have been like, hey, like, they like, they kind of, they go to the person standing next to me. And they're like, oh, my, you were the best. You were my favorite. So good. and then they see me next to him and they're like eh and then they just keep walking out.

He loves saying my favorite. I guess people after comedy shows love to be like any, me, me, miny mo, he's the best. They have to rank them, which is also funny because if you ask anybody who's not a comedian when they go to a show and they're like, let's say they're even going to be like, go see Jerry Seinfeld or Sebastian, Mascar, whoever it is,

they go see the comedian and then you talk to them and they're like, oh man, I saw Sebastian, and they go, great. And they go, the guy who opened for him was so funny. And I go, what was his name? He goes, oh, I don't know what I mean? That's like, nobody knows. If they go to a comedy show and there's eight comics on the lineup and they don't know anybody before that, even they'd be like, oh, my God, this one guy had such a funny joke about Pop-Tarching.

Like, what was his or her name? And they go, oh, I don't, the fourth guy, you know, and you're like, that's not going to be good for my career. If you can't remember anything about it. Well, it's weird. Technology is changing things. We were talking about how now I'm starting to do video on this podcast and you're like, yeah, it does so well. And it's like having a video that's tagged in a visual and people's names and information, it's like stand-up is almost like this old-school thing. that now is being merged with technology and hopefully like a lot of people

are posting their sets and they're going viral but then again is it like Netflix where like if I post a joke on my Instagram and it goes viral is that joke dead? Yeah well I mean that's the hard part of with stand-ups because if you post a viral and not to keep bringing this back to music but if you post a viral song

we're just musical people. Yeah I just like I would love to be I mean I would drop it all tomorrow if I could be a rock star if I had the musical I mean I was in bands growing in Long Island it's like everybody's funny that I grew up with. Yeah, long-out people are hilarious.

We're all just ball busters. We're like terrible people. But if you have a band in your garage. Of course I had a band in my garage. My mom had a band in her garage. Of course. She called her band Fast Food and I was like, that's kind of cool, mom.

That is pretty good. That's a way better band than my name was because this is how unoriginal my band was. We were so inspired. We were so inspired by like Nirvana. Yeah, well, it's just as, we were so inspired by Nirvana. Can I get it up? Yeah, just, I'll tell you, I'll feed you, I'll feed you, baby bird, you know? Just let me chew it up and I'll spit it out.

So we were so inspired by Nirvana. I looked up synonyms for the word nirvana, which is like a spiritual enlightenment thing. And so we called it Zen because that is another word for Nirvana. We're like, nailed it, Zen. Now we're going to be famous. It's like, we had no good music, but we were like, we got the name. I'm guessing your music was not Zen. No, it was very just like, it was just a heavy metal?

Now, we were more like, we were in that time too of like a lot of like taking back Sunday and like that like emo, not even, I don't know what that is, like emo alternative rock. Were you a singer? No, I was a drummer. I wish I could sing. I had no, I have no vocal ability. I was a drummer because I liked. You're like the sound of my voice is terrible too bad I'm doing stand-up. Yeah, too bad I'm listening to it currently in an echo chamber forever.

It's truly brutal. Yeah, it's not great. Wait, so I want to, what's the name of your, um, your debut album coming out? My debut album, which is, uh, coming out on November 5th is called Rage Against the Routine, uh, which is obviously, it's a play on words from Rage Against the Machine, which was another one of my favorite bands growing up. And because the album cover, so you put a cinnamon, synonym, I put a cinnamon on it because it's my favorite spice.

Sometimes I am so fucking stupid. Um, so you googled the name and then you got a in a no this one was a little more this was a little more had a little more thought to it you're like there was thought to this yeah this works on a lot of layers actually and why did you name it that because uh rage against the first of rage against the machine one of my favorite bands growing up uh the album a lot of syllables for a band name rage against the machine yeah I guess just syllable yeah words yeah it's like a full sentence almost for sure yeah it is uh okay I'll let you talk yeah I mean now I'm like it is too many words Should I change the name of my album? No, I think your album's fine.

But for the name of a band to be like half a sentence, it seems a lot to me. There were those bands that were in like the 2004 to 2006 time period where they had like panic at the disco. Every single song was like three sentences where they're like, I was going to the car wash, but now I'm going to read a book. And you're like, why is that? And then they never mentioned a car wash or a book in the song. And you're like, you're just being a piece of shit. And they also would add like exclamation marks and like a lot of punctual. If you have to add punctuation to the name of your song, it's too long.

They put the upside down exclamation point from Spanish in the middle of a word, and you're like, who is this for? Who do you think you are? I love you from Spanish. They stole it from Spanish. They take it from the Spanish. So, also the album cover of that, if you look at the album cover that I have, I always get told that I look like the original Raging Against the Machine album cover,

which is like a boy in like a superhero outfit. So then I was like, boom, there's a perfect album cover. And then rage against the routine, which is like, I get very mad about very small, very small things. I don't have like anger issues about. You had a very long island accent in that. Did I? So I go, I get very mad about small things. Like when you get angry, does your Long Island come out?

It comes down a little bit. I get really turned off when people talk to me a certain way. If you fuck up my coffee, you're going to hear about it. All right. So my bagel and locks needs to have the perfect ratio. Exactly. Abish. So I, you know, so it's like, it worked on that level where I'm like, I get rage

and it's about routine, stand-up routine, all that kind of stuff. So it's like, it works on a bunch of really levels that I'm pigeonholing in. So what gives you rage about your routine? You just break into your one hour right now. Well, yeah. Well, it's also fun because I do, I would say that like, so there's two different levels to it. This is like so, like, corny and digging way too deep into meanings. But like, if you want to think of like raging against a traditional stand-up routine,

Like, I break up my stand-up set with a lot of stories, so I tell a lot of stories. So there's that. But also, the things I get mad about, I consider, like, the routine things in life. So, like, the rage against that. So, like, driving in the city, like, driving anywhere, I get, every time I'm behind the wheel, I get pretty horrific road rage. But that's only because everybody else on the road is a terrible driver. And so I know what I'm doing, and nobody else does.

But, yeah, I have a lot of stories about that and just, or just people that are like, I had this guy, I was driving. Sometimes it's fun, though. because I get a lot of rage, but I love seeing other people get raged. You know what I'm talking about? I was in traffic with the guy who was just, he was

so mad because people kept cutting him off and then he wasn't beeping his horn, which that's my go to. I am a horn beeper to the extreme. And so I'm looking at this guy going, why is he now? But he's got his windows rolled up and he's going like, bah, he's just mouthing screaming curse words, but his windows aren't down, so I can hear what he's saying. And then he eventually

does beep, and then I'm like, that's why he wasn't beeping. He had a novelty horn, which was like, so like... Was it like the sopranos or like the godfather? Way worse. It was this. It was like a mariachi song. And so everybody that was cutting him off.

It's like the Mr. Slushy. What is it? Mr. Softy. Yeah. That's... Yes. It's so... Yeah, it was that thing.

So he was holding that down. But that's so funny when you're like, someone's so mad and you're like, I know this isn't going to get the reaction I want. because everybody's so we were all driving and we heard it we were like hey hey you know it's like then I cut him off and I was just to keep the party going you know so it's like you might be mad but if you're celebrating your fucking kintaniera it's like you know it sounds like you know it sounds like so how long have you been doing comedy I started in college so this is my 12th year wow and I remember I saw you open for um who does he open for Dave Smith thank you for his album

recording I just remember to you I just remember the opener wow no he's great he was great you were great but I remember you were great and then when I saw you later I was like I know that guy oh he made me laugh so I and then I learned you like cats so I was that solidified it yeah yeah so then I learned your name after the cast thing I was getting care for the name but I liked what you provided to me for laughter sure but did why why now why this comedy album now

well it's a culmination of it first off it's like a part of me has that thing of being like you never you know I look at like someone like David Tell and Jerry Seinfeld, they both have one stand-up album and they're both considered like some of the greats of all time. But that's not, that's kind of like old school. That's not how comedy is now. Like you said, it's putting stand-up online. It's getting stuff out there. So half of it's for like, I want to retire these jokes that I'm very sick of telling that, you know, do well. You want to start a body of work. And this is kind of like my, I'm treating it like how, like when you get tattoos, you know what I mean? Where it's like,

I have six tattoos, but they're like, some of them was like, I would never get now. But I don't regret getting them because I look at it. It's like a yearbook. When you're like, oh, I remember the point in my life where I was like, I should have this on my body forever. When it was a good idea. Yeah, when this yin-yang tribal star was a good, was a good idea at 17. You know what I mean? My brother wanted like a Japanese word on the back of his neck. He's now a financial analyst at Bloomberg, but at 17, he like liked MMA for three months and was like, I knew to do it. It's funny because I remember my mom and my dad and I, because it's four of us, look at the each other like we can't let him do this right and my mom do one the smartest thing she was like

i'm not going to tell him no right i'm just gonna because i think part of it the rebellion she's like i'm gonna say just to think about it for a bit and then like he thought about it like she was like do it if you want but just think about it for a bit and then he just forgot he wanted it thank god that backfired with my mom because she tried to do that but she did it in different way she tried to like bribe me she was like she was like here's a thing wait three years and if you still want to get this tattoo in three years I'll pay for it and so what that said to me at my time was like she thinks I should get it but she doesn't think I got the money I got 80 bucks and I'm gonna go to the first place in the West Village that will not ID me and then get a tattoo on off bleaker street

where was it and what was the tattoo it was right off like right on like west fourth and it was so I tried to use this as an excuse for like my my mom like we were in the my mom and I were in this defensive driving course and she drew like a yin yang and then put like four lines to make it look like a yingling slash like a son and then at the time like tribal things are big so instead of like a son it has a little more like tribaly thing it's a nightmare so you used your mom's like doodle as an excuse yeah yeah yeah that was what i got so so but when i went to the tattoo guy again i was 17 i was underage the guy didn't care he was just like next next and then he was did you get a crucifix no no i got the i got the the yin-yang thing, but I also do have a Christmas because I am Irish, which is crazy

because I don't go to church, but haven't since I was 13, but I... Eat Jesus. Yeah, yeah, him and I, we've had to falling out. We don't talk anymore. We don't talk anymore. Yeah, his brother's still cool, but at him, I don't care. So the guy that was giving me the tattoo, he was like this Colombian dude who was, I'm not, I wish I was making this up.

30 seconds before giving me the tattoo was in a screaming argument on the phone with either his girlfriend or his mom screaming in Spanish being like, Maraca, like freaking out all this and stuff and then like slammed his flip phone and then was like, okay, so what are we doing? And then like, he also put the stents along the wrong way.

Like I just happened to like glance down before he was putting the needle to my skin and like he had the yin-yang like sideways instead of like the black and white being like up and down like it was like the wrong and I'm like no no no like it just it was like it was horrible it was such a terrifying was it painful it was more like where on your body was it's on my ankle it's pretty it's pretty brutal you want to see it oh wow it's not yeah you see that's not good I know I do it I have other tattoos that are not as embarrassing but again I'm trying to share my truth and I would appreciate a little as judgment yeah oh wow

you show it and you're just like oh you hate it you hate it you hit it. Well, I once you wouldn't hate, okay? Well, listen, I hate it more, so you can't possibly hate it. I reject you before you reject me and my tattoo. If you, wow is like the perfect. I always say like if I say wow twice within like two minutes of you talking to me, I want the conversation to be over. Well, it's also fun because you knew what the tattoo was and you still went, oh, wow. Like you were going to, like you were either surprised what you saw. Do you think I have a tattoo? Yes, I think you have a small, one small tattoo.

I don't, I've no tattoos. No tattoos? I'm just like a pure bread, you know. What's the reason? I've never thought about it. Really? Like it never crossed my mind. It's very addicting within a year of getting one.

You know what it is? Yes, I think in the past life I had a very addictive personality because I've never smoked a cigarette. I've never touched it to my mouth. Really? I'm not, I'm not like Mrs. Perfect at all. I just, I've never done cocaine once I've. rubbed it on my tooth but that doesn't really count no um i've never done cocaine either i feel like

we both don't need it no it's the kind of thing i always say and i've never got tattoo because it's like okay best case for example cocaine worst case scenario it ruins my night right best case scenario i love it and i'm addicted for ever tattoos is the same thing like the best thing is like oh i love it and next you know i'm like i need every fucking tattoo all over my body like i could see myself getting a sleeve. I would, like I could go there. If I, I'm so happy by my physical limitations because if I was a giant in-shaped man with massive biceps, I would one billion percent have multiple, I would have both sleeves. I would have both my arms. I'm seeing this guy who has one of those, like, he has like tattoos on his fingers and he is like, it's like so cool. And I'm like, but I can't, you don't just become that after

one tattoo. No. I feel like I just look kind of dirty. Like, oh, you got something in your finger. Yeah. Yeah. I was joking that I wanted to get a, because everyone has face. tattoos now. I want to get like a little piece of food tattooed on the corner of my mouth and then just see who my real friends are. You know what I mean? See if someone will be like, you got it all, then you'd be like, did I get it? They're like, yeah. You're like, you're out of my friend. You're out of the circle. That's it. That's one way how to cut the friends list down and also embarrass yourself all the time. Yeah. Just go, uh, uh, uh, no, they're like, you know, like, yeah. Do you know when you definitely have something on your face and someone

does it to themselves? Yeah. That's the most like, or like you don't. Or like, you don't. but they're doing it. So you're assumed that you have it. And then you're like, is there something on my face right now? Yeah. They rub their eyebrow and you're like, okay, you just start plucking them out of your head. I kind of, there's something about neck tattoos, I think, are hot to me. Ah, see, I never.

I think it's hot. I'm actually like a clean cut man, but there's something I was like, if I got like my Kenyon Martin, who was this basketball player for the Nets, do you remember Kenny Martin? Some of my favorite players. He got his ex-girl, his ex-wife or girlfriend, her lips tattooed on his neck. But then, yeah, he had to turn to, like, a crown or some shit. But anyway, I thought that shit was kind of hot. Yeah, the lip side, that sounds like a nightmare.

You immediately, oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, wow. Wow, wow. But, no, I mean, I have, I have, like, a full leg panel. I have, like, a sleeve on my leg, I guess. Yeah, yeah. Does your wife have any?

She has more than I do, but she has, like, little ones. So she has a more. We both have them in fully, like, you would not think that either of us have any tattoos, unless, like, we're wearing, like, bathing suits or something. Those are freaking wild. Yeah, we're like, you know, like, we just, like, kind of put on this, like, business attire front and then, but... You're just hammered getting tattoos at night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're just drunk, but I got a little butterfly. Yeah, so... The butterfly tattoo. Did she have a lower back tattoo? I feel like every girl in Long Island had a lower back tattoo. She's from Connecticut, but she also... She does have a butterfly that she got at 16, but it's like a, it's like a hip, hip... Did she have her belly button pierced?

did and does still does she's afraid to I think she's afraid that when she takes that out no I think it's just like that it's like the sign of aging where you're like

but also like belly button tattoos like I mean belly button piercings are not like popular I feel like it means your past 16 years old if you take it out yeah so she wants to maintain that forever I had an eyebrow piercing

which was yeah which was like my big statement you know what I mean and then were you like a rebellious kid I don't know I mean like I feel like Long Island kids are just bored though Yeah it's like we were just like I wasn't like into drugs and everything like I didn't

Also were the star of a band so Yes I mean by star I mean the drummer in the back But it was my garage so You did have control over the snacks Without me we were nothing and so But no I just yeah we were Why'd the band break up? You know creative differences you know we had

I felt the direction we were going It was a little monotonous I wanted to experiment with some new sounds They weren't The bass player was just always had a toot about him. It's just so much about... It became a diva after... Yeah, some people will just... It's all about the money for them, you know?

And I'm more about the music, but... But I was so into music growing up that we would always just go to bands and shows, and we also just were destructive. We were destructive teenagers. We'd fucking just create... Would you do ding-dong ditch? I feel like that's what Long Island people do. We did, we did...

We did things like... Yeah, I started that shit at 11. It's a gateway drug to, like, real pranking. Here's what... Here's what we did in Long Island. Because we were, you know, I was in the suburbs, so all the houses, you know, it was like just all connected. So we would go fence hopping. So we would, we would start in a backyard.

We would sneak into somebody's backyard. And then we would hop and see how many houses in a row we can go in from someone's backyard, run through their yard and go to the next one. Which is like so wildly dangerous because there were times where people like were outside. People had dogs. People like had spotlights. Yeah. People had, there was one time a spotlight went off and we all hid in the bushes and a guy came out. and for sure knew that like somebody was back there

and just lit up a cigarette and just watched us like just stared at us without like moving towards us and was just waiting for us to move and then smoked his whole cigarette while looking and staring at us and just went all right then and then put a cigarette out and walked back inside and I was like I was I was just shitting water for four days after that I was never been more scared in my life I thought he was gonna get shot so you I've had so many questions about your life that are that I want to know ultimately of this podcast we always get to the point where it's like

are you an anxious person anxious in what like I I don't think like on a day to day thing but I'll get I'll get like I wouldn't say I have anxiety like that's like a big comedian thing now I'm so much anxiety I'm so worried about everything it's like I don't think that I I stress more about like

something I do a lot is and I think weed might be a you know a factor from this is I'll like overanalyze thing like later on in life. Like, you know, the next day I'll sit down and be like, at midnight, I'll be like, remember that text message I sent to somebody three days ago? And then they saw it, but didn't write back.

What the fuck's that about? Should I not have said that? Should I send something right now and being like, hey, by the way, I didn't mean to say like, you too, boo-boo. Like, that's a crazy, I would have never, I need you to know that's not me. And I was just like in the moment. But I think that comedians have to overanalyze because in that over-analyzing,

80% of it is bullshit, but like 5% of it is gold. Yeah. And then the other whatever percent of it, 15% is just dog shit. I would say, like, and some people say this, I guess, is anxiety too or something. Like, you know, every comedian, I think, goes through like that, like, imposter syndrome sort of thing where you're like, what am I, you know, you see like, you know, if it's like a comedian selling out an arena or say Amy Schumer or something, doing an arena or Bill Burr or something, and you go, like, why do I ever think that I could just, like, that 18,000 people. people are going to stand and listen to anything. You know, it goes back to that whole thing of being like the narcissist. Like, he's questioning the narcissism.

Yeah, like one day you're like, I am going to be the next Bill Burr. And then the next day you're like, my little cousin who's six is funnier than me. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's the other thing too. And even like really successful comedian, they're never like, I'm the funniest guy I know. You know, it's like, that's never. It's always like a guy who's got like a blue collar job that, you know. Nikki, well, so that's funny how you talk about Long Island guys because they're just,

they're not overthinking anything. They're just being themselves. Yeah, it's ball busting to a horrific, horrific amount. Horrific trauma. The amount of body dysmorphia that everybody has from just the constant picking up. I could just sit and like, you know, people like to go like, I'll sit outside of a cafe in France and just, and people watch and kind of just like let their eat their soak up. I'd like to sit outside that cafe and just be like weird thighs.

Keep going. Your hair sucks. Just like, you could just pick up, you know, be a real piece of shit person. But never like, I would never say to their. New Yorkers show affection through shitting on each other. Like if I'm nice to you, you make me uncomfortable. Yes. But if I see you and I'm like this motherfucker, that means that I like you.

But a lot of people that aren't from New York or even I give like Boston or like, you know, that surround Jersey. Yeah, Philly, Jersey. If you, it's that, that's what it is. It's like we bust on each other's balls, but also like I will like defend you. I'm like fiercely. Remember what people used to say people that use, now everyone's like, I'm fiercely loyal? remember one used to be like I'm a bitch like that used to just be what people said and now they're like I'm fiercely loyal and you're like okay are we updating the term do you deal with depression ever I don't think that like I don't know unless I'm I've never had the only time I've ever really felt like a depression was a day that I'd a weekend when I did Molly on back to back days at Electric Zoo I've like never done Molly and then I should do it Friday Saturday Sunday right and then does you're wife do it with you yeah yeah yeah cool you guys are we get we get down wild no no no no and that's

like you know i don't know it was like the adrenaline dump after that yeah like i had i because everyone says like you get those like they call them like suicide tuesdays where after you do molly they get you know you deplete all the dopamine and all the happiness in you and i remember like two days after that just like walking around being like i don't know why i do comedy i don't know why i do anything like this is this is pointless this is all so stupid isn't it crazy i was just the science of your brain that makes you be like that? Yeah and I remember being like scared for a moment being like oh my god like I don't ever really feel like this and I uh this is terrifying and I was like what if I'm like this forever now because of that which is why I like I never really fuck with that like I don't really fuck with

like pills or synthetic things like that like I'm like a weed alcohol mushrooms kind of a guy you know what I mean I like never do drugs because I'm scared I'm gonna get addicted to all of them because I probably would or I did in a past life when my friend says she went on an acid trip that like repeats on her sometimes. Yeah, they say you could, like, crack a bone or something. Yeah, or, like, she'll take, like, a hit of weed that's, like, lace with something, and she'll be, like, back in that scary place. Oh, yeah.

But then I have some people who were, like, I did a trip, and my whole perspective of the world changed, and I saw God, and I know my purpose. But they're probably high when they were saying that. Yeah, I mean, mushrooms give me, for sure. Mushrooms have been the best drug of it. I feel like it takes, like, the blinders off you. You know what I mean? Like, I consider it, like, I don't consider it recreational at all.

Like, the times I'll do it, it'd be, like, once. a year maybe or something but I consider it like a real perspective shifting thing I've heard that from people before someone said I should do it but I'm scared it really gives you a lot of empathy too it helps you like be like oh what am I yeah it really I'd recommend everybody do mushrooms and this podcast is sponsored by mushrooms so to wrap this up because I could talk to you forever that's all the questions you had one question are you depressed all right and we're done and you're like oh not really I got high one I just want to add a note, yeah, I know, what a piece of shit answer that was.

Sorry, I just wasn't having too much fun, and then I got a little sad. I, like, had a way too much fun of a weekend. I was like, I miss having fun. I need to go to work. I will say this, though, on this note is like, I feel like there is that stigma that I don't buy into of this, like, every comedian needs to be this dark, tortured, miserable soul and depressed, and you're like, yeah, but not also not. You know what I mean?

Like, there are the comedians that, like, straight towards the darkness or like, and they're brilliant and prolific, but like, also it's like, It's fun to, like, I don't know, I consider myself like a happy, upbeat person split with tremendous amount of anger. You know what I mean? Yeah, so anger's your trigger. That's my depression. It's funny because you're, like, adorable. Like, you look like, like, that you could play, like, a gingerbread man.

Yeah, like, the one from Shrek. But, like, you're just, you seem so, like, lighthearted and pot. Right. Where do you think the anger comes from? I'm like here's the thing like my parents are divorced so like I grew up around a lot of conflict in that kind of environment a lot of fighting never like anything physical but all just a lot of verbal fighting but it's like I said it's never like I'm gonna fight this guy like I don't get into physical fights but well clearly I mean hurtful didn't need to be said implied and obvious so oh wow to that you just freak out and punch me in face yeah what triggers make you bitch here's what here's what it is like this is this is this is like how my new, this is again why the album's called Reaching Against the Routine, where it's like I'll go to throw something in the garbage and I'll miss

it and I'll be like, ah, that's, and then I'll take it and then I'll throw it and it'll go in the garbage, but it'll hit something and ricochet back out and I'll be like, okay, well, you know, and then if I'll like spike it in, that's, that's where I, that's where I do. So you're a four-year-old. I'm a baby with a baby's face, temperament, and

muscle tone. I'm a gingerbread baby. You heard it here first, gang. Oh, my God. That was the example of what triggers your anger. Out of everything in the world, you're like, don't you hate it? We're trying to, at least you throw, you don't litter. No, I'm very, I'm very healthy. I'm very green.

I just, but also, like, people get mad about politics. I, I'm so, I look at politics, like, sports. Like, I'm like, it's a game. I understand that there's, like, important issues at hand, but when people invest their emotions into, like, this candidate needs to be my savior. Like, I see it as like, this is all, this is, you're none of the, like, I, I don't, so I don't emotionally invest in any, a lot of things.

When you're in an anger mode, like, you're seeing red, how do you get out of it? I guess it has to, when you miss the litter. I like to, uh, if I miss it, I mean, once I get it back in, hopefully there's like somebody around. Can I guess what you like to do? Okay, sure. You like to punch a wall. No, I've never, I've never punched.

White men love punching walls. Yeah. What's the deal with that? Well, a lot of, fuck, I forget the comedian. There's a comedian. I don't want to, like, do the joke or justice, but it's like, it's, fuck, some really funny comedian in New York has a bit where he's like, or maybe it was Bill Burr or something where he's like, we talk about, they talk about punching walls.

But, like, every guy, like, they always find, like, the hollow walls to punch. I think it was Bill Burr. Whereas, like, they just, they punch, like, the one that's, like, a hollow. No one's ever punching a cement wall, you know? Well, I lived with two straight guys, and they were, like, meatheads, and one of them went to find his girlfriend punched a wall, and he thought it. was the shallow part, but it wasn't. So it just broke his hand.

And then we just had this, like, weird ass hole in our wall for a while. I've never, I've never punched a wall. I've never, like, acted out of that kind of a rage. What I do is, like, I guess I used to listen to a lot of angry music. Like, it was just a little, like, slip knot, hardcore. So, like, mosh pitting used to be my thing or something. But, like. Well, that's a healthy way to let it out.

Go to the gym. My gym playlist is just screaming. It's just screaming and breakdowns. And I could lift a car over my head when I'm listening to it. really taps me right back into that like how does your wife deal with when you get angry I never like I never get it's never at her it's like so so if I'm driving and there's like a person that cuts me off I'm like yelling at them did your parents have that kind of rage so it's just kind of normal for you to see I guess like yeah I mean again they fought a lot so it would be like you know

it was your normal to have a little bit of anger yeah but again it's never like it's never like it's never directed at anybody it's always at like situationally I'm mad you know what I mean where it's like, again, it's those little things. You know when you, you know when you like trip as you're walking and you like catch yourself, but you get scared and then you get mad that that just happened? That's, that's it. Where you're like, I'm so fucking mad that I almost fell and that it scared me. See, I'm more like the sad, feel bad for myself type, but you're ever like having a bad

day, like all these serious things went wrong, and then you trip and then you're like, that was the wrong. And then you lose it. You're like, I don't deserve that. We are very opposite in that way. I never cry. I actually, I never cry either, which is why I should see a therapist. I don't react.

But like, yeah, anger is never my thing except on the tennis court. It's the one sport where you like have a thing in your hand. So when you get bad, you're like, well, I need to break this. Sure. And the harder you hit it, the more, yeah, the more successful you might be. You know what I mean? When was less than you cried? Well, it actually was, and I say recent saying that it was Christmas, Christmas Eve,

but before that it'd probably been like years. But I, it was one of those things in Christmas Eve where like somebody was telling me this sad story about like, you know, it was like a family related, like neglectful dad, which was like really hitting me because then I was like with my whole family and then I felt so bad that they like had that upbringing. And then like they felt part of our family now, which then it made, it made me like a happy. And then you tried to throw something in the garbage and you miss. Yeah. And then I just started rage crying. But I remember it feeling great because I was also like wine drunk. And I remember like starting to feel good.

and then I like pushed it down where initially like a couple of my family members were like all right like wow this is like I've never seen you like this and then they were like you should go home and then I remember like pushing I was like listening to Jeff Buckley's hallelujah like I was like anything sad give me everything sad. See I know when I'm sad

I don't want sad music to get sadder like when I after I get out of a breakup most people listen to like sad I won't listen I will stay away from all music because I wouldn't be triggered at all I don't want to feel my emotions No but I it happened so rarely for me that when it's there I'm like let's fucking swim in the deep end. You know what I mean?

Like I was like listening. It was like, hallelujah. And I'm like, it's such a sad song. You literally just start crying about everything. You're like, I loved my cat.

Yeah. You're like, he's going to die someday. He's going to die one day. I can't come to that truth. That's going to crush me. I'm like, she's alone without me right now and she's wondering where I am

and it's my fault that she's not having. I will really be a bro. I will for 1,000% cry like I have had no other family members funeral when my cats die eventually. It's like I just got so dark. It's going to be bad. But right now, who we're killing.

Right now, we're just petting and hithin and fighting. We're going to end with a final game called The Seven Deadly Sins. Okay, let's do it. Seven Deadly Sins. What are you greedy about? Greedy? I would say that I'm, I don't know. I want to do everything in terms of like, I want to do, I want to do, I want to do, I want to do,

stand up I want to do podcast I want to like write and direct movies I want to like make things with my friends like I want like it's just like I want to keep creating things and I feel like I get that paralysis of like I have so many things I want to do I don't know what to do first and I feel I like I like there's so many people that just like I just want to do stand up I don't want to do anything else I just want to do stand up and you're like oh man like I almost wish I had that but at the same time it's like I don't know like I would love to I like people that are like multifaceted they can go in different areas and like reinvent themselves. And sometimes like you don't even know your biggest standup opportunity could come from like you

producing someone's talk show. 100%. Or, and I'm the same way as in I've discovered stand up through like a very unique, um, root. But I find that, yeah, stand up is so much more multifaceted right now. And you ultimately just like stand up is creating and making people laugh. Yeah.

So you can create and make people laugh in other aspects too. 100%. Um, yeah, it's an exciting time. I like making like internet video. and all that stuff like I just love creating funny things but it's like yeah I also find for me lists are really helpful because I'm like you were I'm like I just want to take over the world and then I'm like okay what's the first step to taking over the world I'm like let's edit this podcast it's one step we get that out there yeah then I'm like let's make a reel let's make a hope do I want to be a TV

show host let's start with the real of me hosting oh I don't have any hosting gigs okay so let's so like you just make a list and it could take my list never ends like it's never like zero I'm just always adding to it. That's the problem with this industry, too, is like you could, there's never work, there's never work that doesn't need to be done. You could always be doing more. There's always. But I also think if you could find happiness within your work and not the like, just moments

where like you're doing, you got the role or you're doing a late night set, it's the moments. I'm getting corny, but there's this quote that's like happiness is being happy when nothing's going on. Yeah, that's smart. I mean, and also just. And you're not altered by your, like, events around you. For sure. Yeah.

I agree. Just dropped a truth bond. I mean, it shut me up. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I was like, I quit. I'm out. I'm going to go walk into traffic. I was like, well, okay.

Yeah. Who are you envious of besides me? Besides you. And I guess, yeah, I mean, I guess to an extent people that, you know, can do, I used to be, you know, when you're early in stand up, too, you get envious of others where it's like, you know, they have more or they like, you know, people doing it less time, getting further than you and stuff. And it's always, it used to be a source of envy for me that I used to be like, man, I wish I had that life, you know? And then, but now it's actually

a source of like pride for me where I go, you know, you, so like people that are, I've never had any manager or agent or anything like that. Like I've, everything that I've done has been self-made, which has made me feel great because now, like I'm saying, 12 years in and I have like some momentum, like some people know who I am in New York City. I'm doing an album. Like all of this feels a lot better because all the connections that I've made have been on my own. So it was that phase, you know, you get that like weird like jealousy, envy phase in the beginning, which is that's the most important thing is when you realize you're in like the toxic friend group of people being like, yeah, but they don't deserve that. They shouldn't do that. It's like, yeah, but also

maybe they do. And then also the second, you're the one that pops. They're talking like that about you. Exactly. And also like, yeah, I'd like to, I noticed that. I probably was like two or three years in and I was within like a group of comedians who I think of the ones that I were in I don't think any of them but me do it any to stand up anymore because they're all too busy being like jaded like how come you know how come Colbert they're result oriented yeah they're like how come you know whoever I guess whoever was at the time but how come Conan doesn't know who I am it's like well because you do bar shows and do the same seven minutes in Brooklyn it's like why would anybody you have to like put yourself out there you know but now I surrounded

myself with like comedians that are you know like we all push each other we're motivated and And I treat it like now the way I look at it is like it's a great thing. Like if one of my friends, one of my best friends gets a late night set, that's amazing. Because now it's like the more successful they get, you know, you know, what is it, rising tides, raise all ships, you know? Yeah. It's like I treat it, I look at it like popcorn in a bag where it's like once one kernel pops. And then another one, you're like, all these kernels are popping around me, you know? It's like I would have loved to.

I, there was a quote that I just thought about popcorn. I'm so happy you brought that up. Thank you. I've been trying to shoehorn that in for quite some time. but it was literally like when you're making popcorn they all are cooked at the same temperature but they pop at different times and it's like that's what life is like we're all on our grind and we're all gonna pop at different times and like your time's gonna come as long as you're doing like what you want to do and also if you're not even you just don't focus on your pop the pop's gonna come yes and sometimes when you're less you put less hype on the pop I know I'm speaking a lot of metaphors right now like you don't even know what it's going to be like You don't know how big you're going to pop. Yeah, like I used to, if I made like a huge deal about me starting a podcast, it's like maybe that's all that would happen to me.

Instead, I'm like, no, I want to do a podcast, and I know it's where I feel comfortable. Sure. When you feel things are right and not like you're reaching, you don't know what you could do. Yeah, you just focus on, I like look at life like, because I did track in high school and stuff. Oh, I see that for you. Cross country? Everybody always said cross country for the figure. What?

Catholic? No, I did, I did high jump, sprinting hurdles, four by all of them. I did a lot of like sprinting stuff. I'd ever had the stamina even though I was way too tall and should have done cross country. Yeah. But you know, when you're running, when you're, yeah, it's so boring. I hate running. And you have to be like mentally focused. Yeah. And also like, I don't know any cross country people that aren't like a little bit loser, you know, whatever. Anyway, so no offense to cross country people, but like, what are you doing? You know what I mean? So, but when I, when I run, I look like at a 45 degree angle like I look like four feet in front of me just to make sure I'm not tripping on anything but I don't look at the end of the race and that's how I feel like with my career it's like you've got to look like I focus on like just ahead like your next step like your next three things on your list boom that's I love metaphors oh they make me so happy okay um what do you gluttoness about uh good food really I mean food good food and good drinks like I might I could have chorizo nach A good tree is that there's a place that I go.

There's a place I go in Astoria. I have pictures of it on my phone because I love it so much. It's my background. It's my background. It's like my baby picture. But I had them last night. I'm not even like I had the last night because I was in Ireland for a week. I was like, I can't wait to fucking eat.

That's the one meal that I'm like, if I can get a good chorizo. I don't know why I love chorizo. And do you share it? And you just get it for yourself. I'd like to share it. But if no one will offer to share it with me, I'm going to get it anyway. And then just get real, real full. What's the place?

Give the restaurant a shout out. El Mariachi in Astoria. It's on, I think, like, Broadway, but if you eat it there, it's way better. It's like, it's like one of those, like, divey Mexican places or you're walking. Those are the best kind, the hole in the walls. Yeah, nobody in there is white but me,

which is, like I say, you know, it's a good sign. Very good sign. But I get gluttonous about that, but if I'm being more metaphorical about it, this might be a little deep, I don't know. But sometimes I get gluttonous with the career. You know what I mean? So, like, I kind of take for granted,

outside of comedy friends and family like I don't I think I don't always make enough time for to see family and friends because it's like we're all so busy we're all living our lives and again there's always something to be done in stand-up or comedy so I always want to keep doing stuff but I feel like I got to like make more time to you know to see some friends and family members sometimes you know what I mean because then you know we're all going to die so it's going to be terrible tragedy cool um you know I wish I just left it at the nachos. But yeah, the nachos.

That's the best. Can you cut that part out? When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath? When was the last time you lost your shit? When was the last time I missed a garbage panel? No, I actually know exactly when this was. And this was in a Starbucks. You were not responding to me when I was trying to yell things at you.

I was smashing my head against a window. And you were looking frightened. Which made me angry. And that's why I brought you on this podcast. What the fuck is triggering you? No, this is what triggered me. You didn't get to start your own blog. There was, yeah.

I was in a Starbucks and a guy, and this is, this goes. Starbucks shit goes down. It gets, here. There was a man's cell phone went off. His ringer went off where it's also like, first off, what are you doing with a ringer? And he didn't rush to stifle the ring. You know what I mean?

It's always like obnoxiously loud. It was like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- And just, like, kept letting it, and, like, was staring at the phone. He was, like, 40s, and he was, like, staring at it, and, like, debating, like, should I, should I, and I'm just, I'm just, in my head, I'm like, just answer the phone, or don't answer the phone, just do something. If you don't have your phone on Vibrate at this point, I haven't heard my ringtone since the iPhone 4, and I think if your ringtone goes off in public, you're a bad person. One of my first tweets was like if you still have a ringtone, like you're either a psychobath or you're really fucking old. You're a monster. You should be on, I've been on Vibrate. I couldn't even tell you what my ringtone is on my phone.

Yeah, I don't know. And if for some reason that by God, you know, accident that my ringtone went off, I would leap to stifle it if I was in public as if porn was blasting out of my phone. Like that's how embarrassed I would be that anybody heard a loud noise coming from. my phone. Team vibrate all day. So did you yell at him? I just was like I gave him that like that kind of, I did like the half turned, you know what I mean? You do the like, you're going to get that kind of thing? What did you call it when you're like about to, what's that called? The pump fake? Yeah, you're almost like pump faking with your eyes where you're like. Yeah. We're like, did you need help? Do you need it's the, it's one of the buttons. That'll any, if you smash any button on the side, it will stop that

noise in its track. If you click anything. Yeah. When was the last time you were a sloth? I don't know I think I'm a pretty like motivated person but I would say I get lazy because you don't have a traditional 9 to 5 no so you could sleep in if you want I was well I'm very very lazy about that I'm very bad at waking up early like before before 10 a.m. is tough but before 9 a.m. is like damn near impossible like I don't even I don't even get it actually pretty much the same like today i started to feel like good i was like i'm getting shit done and i looked and like it was 2 p.m yeah that's when my day started 100% every when i woke up i was like what a beautiful day out i'll lie to myself i'll like set my alarm for 955 to be like i woke up at 9 something and then

like i'll have a coffee like read my social media and then i'm like oh 3 30 better start the day i also love doing things like i'll set my alarm for 830 wake up and be like let's be honest I'm not going to be productive for the next two hours, so let's just go back to sleep. Or I'll be like, I don't do morning yoga because I'm just not good at it in the morning. I don't know how anybody works out in the morning. Yeah, how do you go from your most fucking tired of the day

to your most energetic of the day within like 10 minutes? My wife loves it. She's so good at yoga, but she does it like after work and stuff, but she does like hot yoga and all that. You know, she goes in the story. It's very good for your mind too. Yoga's great. I try to do it with her and she's like, oh, you can do hot yoga with me.

I was like, okay. And I go and I'm like. Does she do it with Mike Vecione? loves yoga. Where does, he lives in a story too. He does you go to the yoga room? He does hot yoga.

She goes, she's a, I don't know if I should be, I'm just plugging the yoga room, but she goes to that, but it's, sponsored by mushrooms and the yoga room, Astoria.

But I tried to go on. And El Mariah. Yeah, it's just an Astoria sponsor thing. You can get mushrooms from a guy I know in Astoria. But I tried to do hot yoga with her and it was dying. And then she's like, it's not that hard, right? She's like holding her leg up here.

She's like doing headstands. I was like, I'm puking for the next. It's so impressive, people who do yoga it's not even that it's when you get done with hot yoga that's the day like you're so fucking dehydrated she was like just do it then you can go do shows i had to like go do shows afterwards i'm like you're like i'm yawning yeah yeah it does um end your day so do it after your sets um at 1 a m when was the last time you let your pride get in the way of something

it's the toughest question I mean we all comics you know we're insecure people I think you know at heart so we have those moments of like I think a little insecurity like breeds success like if you're not insecure about yourself you don't want to prove anything to anyone oh yeah it's you need a constant state of approval

like I think like there's like so many interviews of like Chris Rock being like I don't think I'm funny anymore or like I don't know if I've ever been funny like it's like we're like you're you know it's like it's crazy that some you would hear some say that but i also totally 100% get it but there's yeah like you get those things where like people low ball you on offers and i'm in a i'm in this weird phase where like i've been doing it long enough and like have a tiny bit of respect in the in the new york city community and so it's like but i'm not you know famous enough to sell tickets but i have the stand-up time and the goods to do an hour so it's like i'm caught in that it's also weird because now

social media's like blown up right and people who will like such as myself who don't have nearly as much experience some people will give opportunities to because like oh she has instagram followers but it's but but i also it's like you can't you can't only get mad to a point where like they're business owners they want seats filled i mean it's like you'd like to think that any funny is the most important thing but it's the 12th most important thing on the it's like a lot of politics it really is a lot of it's just like any other nine to five job it's all i just suck dick though like i don't they don't do for them When was the last time you lusted over someone?

I mean, besides my wife. Do you have like a celebrity crush? Oh, yeah. I mean, my celebrity crush growing up my whole life was Gwen Stefani. That was like my... Well, considering your like rock band days, she was like the biggest badass bitch ever. I've never seen anybody. I'm just a girl in the world.

She was so hot. She was like funny. She had abs for days. Oh, yeah. She's the only invented abs, I think. She's the only woman that I've ever been like, I've ever been like abs or a thing that I wanted. And I don't want that in any other woman but Gwen Stefani. You know what I mean?

It's just like she's just like, and she just is like bubbly. I don't know, everything about it. I was like, I feel like we would be perfect soulmates. And now she's got to be fucking married with a bunch of kids and shit. She is actually not, she's not aging well, though, because, I mean, she's still beautiful, but she's, like, could tell she's had a lot of, like, surgeries or face. But she looks identical to 20s. years ago which that's but I don't like that I don't love that I like the aging with a little bit

of dignity little streaks of gray grace the Clooney effect which I'm sure he's also had a ton of work done too but he still has like that but Leonardo DiCaprio I know he's aging horrifically but that guy he is he is my go gay he is my go gay guy I served him once at a restaurant and the my second day in my first restaurant job after this high volume restaurant in New York City had 300 outdoor seats largest outdoor seating section down in the financial district. You said they needed five years of high New York City experience of, like, volume to work there, and I made up an entire resume. Would you believe that every restaurant I worked that beforehand had either closed or gone

out of business? Wow. Or just, you know, what do you know? Or their phone was disconnected. And I trick, and I put everything. I put, like, high-end, like, steakhouse, and I put, like, Applebee's. Like, I put, like, everything so that I could be like, I have a little bit. They're like, this is a really diverse thing.

And I'm like, I know. And they hired me. and then, like, yeah, it was my first or second day on the job, and then they go, you know, I'm in the weeds because I don't know what I'm doing, but also it's like, it's serving. People love saying in the weeds in the rest of the industry. I'm in the weeds, I'm in the weeds.

Listen, like, I respect people that can do that, and I think bartending and serving, there's a lot of juggling to go on, but, like, if we're really being, like, honest about it, it's like, it's not the hardest job in the world. It's just time management. Like, people can excel at it. You just have to know what to do.

Like, someone sits down, ask them if they want to drink, then come back, ask them how their food is, like, double check. But, so I'm, like, I'm running around. I'm trying to understand, like, how serving works and everything. I have all these people in my section. It's so busy for lunch. And then the hostess, like, you have a VIP in your section,

so I'm, like, thinking it's the boss or the man. I'm having a heart attack. And then I, like, welcome to the, and I'm like, hi, welcome to. And I, like, stifle. Like, I just, because he's like, I mean, he was always my guy. I loved him forever. And he was with his mom, and he had a dog. It was a cute little dog.

And then he had, like, why would he go to such a busy place? Because he lived, he had an apartment down there. So he had like, but I mean, he was like a big aviator sunglasses, hoodie on, and he just, he was, he was super, he's so nice. He fucking. He was nice. Even though you're, did you fuck up? No, I tried. I think I like, it was like, every other table's upset, but his table, I focused on.

For sure that. But he was, he was so down to earth and like his voice was so velvety smooth. I couldn't help, but I didn't fan. I think I said something like, you know, like, I love your work. Anyway, what can I get? Like, you know what I mean? Like I said, I was like a professionally, like, I got his. on him but also and he was he was great he tipped i think like 50 or 60 percent of the bill and

he had like a fake name on his credit card which was so funny to me that was like and it was some like wildly maybe it wasn't him the whole time no that would have been that had been bad for the end of set you look right now you're like my whole life's been alive was i just did i not meet leon to decaprio and i met t l berkenstein because that's what the name said on the credit card you're like he lied on his credit card i'm like nope you made it up that whole story in your head. I was like, I loved body of lies. And he was like, okay, can I have my soup?

And he's just really bad at math and gave you 50%. Yeah, exactly. He wanted to give you five. He just didn't carry the one. So I like to wrap up every podcast with a final question, which is, what advice would you give to people about how to cope with your hell? Well, besides lists and popcorn metaphors, I think like the best advice, the best advice that I'd like hit me the most at least I don't know it should apply I guess to

everything but it's like if they always say if someone said me if you're always looking left and right you can never see what's in front of you which is so like don't be comparing yourself to others as much and being like look at their progress like they're doing over here because you're not seeing your own goals so I think it's just focusing on you and uh you'll hit a tree if that happened yeah exactly you're gonna and you'd be poof yeah unless you're billy joel then you kind of just leave the car there and stumble home. He's just, he's a Long Island hero. He's just like the best drinking and driving.

The man is, can we talk about Billy Joel if I say? This man, everybody, yeah, focus on your own personal hell. You'll be out of it, find positive thoughts. Oh, bullshit. Billy Joel, the man just, he played it all over the world. He fucking takes a helicopter to Madison Square Garden, does, plays the same hits he's been playing for 20 years, takes a helicopter back, live in the life, gets drunk,

slams his car into a tree, walks away. from it. He's dated the hottest women of all times. I mean, it's like, ugh. I heard he's actually, like, broke, and that's why he keeps having to do these shows. He's getting a million dollars per show, so it's like, what is he... He is a spending problem. What is he doing? And he's a hero.

He's such a Long Island. He is. I fucking love Billy Joel. Where can people follow you? Please follow me. All social media, but Instagram, I like the most. It's at I am Mike Feeney. But it's on same for Twitter and anything else. And, yeah, Mikefinicomedycom. YouTube.com

slash Mike Feeney comedy, but please check out the album. And your podcast. Podcasts. Irish Goodbye podcast. Storytelling podcast. It's very fun. Check it out.

It's always free every week. And then, yeah, but buy the album. Rage Against the Routine. Available anywhere you can buy. Rage Against the Routine. Mike Feeney, hysterical. Thank you so much for coming to hell.

And guys, join my Patreon. I have some good stuff on there. Thanks. Okay, bye. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I don't know.