Berner Phone - Olivia Caridi: Going Dutch & Destroying Everything

Episode Date: January 15, 2020

Olivia has a new man and new dreams. She chats about how she actually thought she would find love on the bachelor, not being herself on TV, why she had trouble getting along with the other girls on the show, being overweight growing up, her worst memories from the show, who she is currently dating and how her mom hit on him, starting a long distance relationship, reasons for self destructions, dealing with depression, how reality tv hurt her career, what she is doing now to pay the bills, and why she loves sad songs.JOIN THE JUICY PATREON HERE--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Are you ready to burn hell? No, no. Don't, you're not scared of me. Don't even pretend you are. No, I'm more scared of you. Oh. Welcome to burning hell. Okay, you guys, welcome to the dark, dark depths of hell.

Today we have the devil herself. we have Olivia Caridi Are you Italian? Yeah Oh yeah People get mad When I talk about tennis Are being Italian

So don't bring it up I'll talk about being Italian The whole time Calabria Okay cool Yeah I love a space Not that I've ever been there

Or anything I was gonna have to say that I was gonna believe That you were authentic Just so you know Well I pulled up your website Because I try to be Oh I haven't updated

I think in 85 years Nothing on that is accurate She has this incredible podcast mouthing off That I just went on It was so fun You're such a professional Thank you

It's like so refreshing. I really try to hone my craft. Yeah, it's beautifully well done. Thank you, beautiful. Well done. You're beautiful. She was a season 20 contestant on the popular reality TV show, The Bachelor. And yeah, she, oh, can I, let me do this quote from this guy, J.D. Crowley.

Who? CBS's Radio EVP of Digital. Hello. Oh, yeah, duh. Olivia's outspoken, honest, and witty. You know when they say outspoken and honest. When a woman is outspoken and honest. she's a bitch that means she's a cunt and witty personality coupled with her background

and journalism make her the perfect podcast oh my god thank you so much jd and i'm jd's kind of a hot name he's kind of hot i wonder if he's single i heard really he likes me i really want a evp i'm my mom literally decided to talk with me about being too shallow and i'm only if you're an evp i mean i don't even know what that means i think i'm growing out of it well you went on a dating show i did I it's okay I'm a fan of The Bachelor and I hate to be like oh I'm going to ask you reality questions but were you like excited about finding love on a national TV show like I was like I was one of the few that was like oh this is I'm going to find my husband on TV not

kidding I didn't even care about followers or vacation well back then you didn't even like get followers no I mean a lot of women from my season have a million followers like I don't know how but I I was the dork that was like I was so excited this was going to happen to me well Well, and they did a really good job of being like, I think, I think you're the one. And then I was like, really? And so, yeah. What's tough in those situations is because you could have been the one and you could be a star. I do believe that there were times where I was.

Yeah, I'm going to admit to you, I didn't see the season. It's for the best. And I like you. Thank you. But I didn't see the season. Well, you wouldn't if you had watched. And you're joking right now, but that's like a true. My biggest fear of going on reality TV was that when I was younger, I would never want to do it because I was afraid.

I was always afraid of, like, I didn't know who I was really and that I would not act like myself during the time they had it on and then people wouldn't see me for me. I definitely was not myself, for sure. You were young, weren't you? I was 23. I didn't even know what the earth, how it turned on its axis. I had no idea. I just was a kid who thought marriage.

Also, 23 marriage is insane. Crazy. But I am from the South where, like, everyone I know married their college boyfriend. Are you from? From Texas. Oh, okay. I mean, I was born here, but I grew up in Texas. Yeah.

So we're in New York, by the way. What was your biggest fear going on the show? Oh, hell. Sorry to put you in this place, but we're in hell. No, we're in hell. My biggest fear was getting along with the women, for sure. Interesting. Because I historically am not a girl's girl.

Yeah. So, and it was funny because even, like, the day I was leaving, my mom was like, just try really hard to get along with everyone. She knew. Like, she knew from the beginning. She was like, please be nice. other children and you were like I really went into it being like I'm going to try yeah this is great because some girls go in saying I'm not here to make friends and I didn't do that so it's so crazy that that's how it turned out because that's probably exhausting trying to get this guy you wait who is was

his name was Ben Ben is Ben is alive yes his name was Ben and then I murdered him at the end and people think I'm a villain I don't know why I can't believe it uh yeah his name is Ben so you wanted Ben to like you but then you also wanted all the girls to like you well it's like to do really well it's like to do really well on the show there's like a certain kind of recipe like he obviously you want him to like you but he he won't like you unless all the girls like you yeah it's like one of those things but also if he likes you the girls will not like you so yes which is kind of i think part of the reason why initially the girls didn't like me was because he was showering me with like roses and stuff in the beginning in the beginning which is when he liked me but then things changed

and then it was just like yeah what are some things you would do to make a girl like you in that house um like we'll all sit in a room together and and like i don't know like straighten each other's hair and stuff um and just talk like spill our feelings while like while we're doing tanning and stuff why do you think you're not a girl's girl i just don't i don't i well in general i'm someone like i have five or six really close friends and i'm not someone who's like i need i go into a room and I feel comfortable with a bunch of people. Like, I'm the person who's in the corner, like, kind of thinking of, like, what do I say to these people?

Yeah. So, that was hard for me. And then I'm just, like, I have to trust the people that I'm friends with. Like, the people that I have in my life, I've known forever and they're, like, tried and true. Like, I don't know these people. Yeah. So there was a combination of a lot of things.

I also didn't try hard enough for sure. Like, it's not all, like, their fault. Yeah. I did things wrong, too. But, yeah. I just don't I'm very in my head and I don't think that I that's funny because we were talking about like even I was bringing up page who's been on the podcast right and even Amanda they're both like so beautiful yeah but they are kind of more shy than me and people will take their shyness sometimes as like them being aloof aloof is one way that I've been described many times wow or just like standoffish but it's mostly just I'm super shocked. And I am socially just a complete weirdo. Like half the time I'm sitting in a public space and I'm like,

what could I say to this person that would make me want to them want to talk to me? Like that's what I'm doing in social situations. I love that you're opening up about that too because we're all thinking in some ways like that, but some people are more extreme than others. Like one of my closest friends, she could talk to a freaking wall. I mean and make it laugh like I can't do that why do you did you think you're insecure about your personality why well I mean I I I was bullied growing up like I was the dork no one wanted to be friends with me kind of thing that is so funny because you're like so hot and confident right now

I you know just in this room normally you're not but right now I feel really good in this room yeah I find that you're yeah you with a microphone I like but that's what's so funny is like me with a microphone in front of me and then me just as a person it's like two different people it's so weird I mean that's how a lot of comedians are yeah I think it's almost like you get to finally be heard just for yourself and you don't have to worry about like the person across from you or like the group letting you in what they're thinking about me social situations just give me so much anxiety it's insane and like there was kind of a bit of like a click factor yes on the season and I don't do well with that at all yeah like I'm not gonna fight my way into a click I don't do that. So what do you do instead?

Just go in my room and hide. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think because there was a guy involved, you like not being involved with them. Pissed people off. Hissed people off. What kind of bullying did you have to deal with as a kid?

Oh, well, I was really fat. What? Yeah, I was super fat growing up. Yeah. I was, thank God I grew because it kind of evened out a little bit. You're kind of tall. But I still have, I'm 5'10. Oh my God, yes.

So you elongated. Yeah. Thank God. It like went to different areas. And my mom was finally like, why is my daughter so fat? So she brought me to an allergist. Okay. And I tested positive for I'm allergic to beef and dairy.

And so when I cut that out completely, I lost like 50 or 60 pounds. Wow. So your body like wasn't able to digest it. Like some people, allergy-wise, like I don't know, their throat closes up or they throw up. Like I just swelled up into a big giant blueberry. Wow. And so, yeah, so I was made fun of.

So like I still got the body image crap. So that sucks and you're in a house with all these beautiful people who are becoming friends. And I'm like, why am I not? Also, you're on TV. Oh, God. The angles. Well, and it's just like you're drunk. Everyone is talking shit about everybody.

And I'm sitting here being like, what did this girl say about me in that last interview that she did? Yes. Like, it's just, if I could, I would have never done it because no one with my personality type should ever go on the show. But also, I think they saw that in you. you and they're like, loved it. Something's going to happen with this girl because it's going to blow. I think they knew from the beginning that I was going to be the villain. Really?

Yeah, I do. Yeah. How? I just think they're so good at their jobs. They know what personality types do well, what becomes the villain. I think they knew from the beginning. It's also, you could have chosen to just be the weak one to be like, oh, like, okay, fine. Like, I'll hang out with you guys, whatever.

But you chose to kind of go on. I suck to my guns in many ways. Yeah. Even though I knew things were going. badly. When? Because that was my next question. I knew things were going bad. Honestly, like the third day. Yeah. And there were moments. I remember it was like there were, you know, it's like a train is on the tracks and the conductor fell off and it's just going and going. I could smell the fire. And you're like, how do I get this thing back on the tracks? Like,

I don't know how. By the end of it, I just was like, I don't fucking know. Did you feel like, because people were looking at you a certain way or talking about you a certain way? I just, I just remember like first of all the camera people would be filming me all the time no matter what i did like i remember i'd be eating french fries and they'd be filming me and i'm like oh yeah they're just trying to get me doing anything because they just they need be real to like reflect whatever people are talking about like she's mad that they're going to have me in my face being super like you have to be smiling like you had to be smiley all the time yes oh my gosh yes that's my nightmare yeah no the whole time blow my brains out all the time

yeah you're like how do I look nice it's just like if you could put someone into a situation that is so fucking wrong that's me like hi bop there you go figure it out at what point did you kind of start panicking oh god um so you didn't watch which is great but um for anyone that did las Vegas it was it was a talent show okay and and they knew I think they knew that I had body image problems and so one of the production people they pointed to this cake that was like one of you jump out of it

and they gave me this like bikini outfit and they were like dance do a sexy dance half naked on stage one of my problems on the show was that I agreed to literally everything they asked me to do I was like yeah totally got it so I jump out of a cake I'm half naked everyone

is staring at me laughing at me basically and I immediately run into a changing room or whatever and just have a complete utter panic attack and I think I walked into that one. Like, I think they knew at least had an idea of what might happen and it happened, you know? And that's, and then from there, it was just, I spiraled. Why do you think people laughed? Because you probably looked hot. Well, so, so this is what they did was like, one of my things is I, like, I never feel sexy. Like, I don't consider myself a sexy person. So,

of course, they were like, go up there and do a sexy dance, like really kind of la la la. Of course I didn't do that. I was like doing dorky, like, you know, blah, blah, blah. But everyone was just like and because they weren't taking your side of like oh she's trying to overcome no like they were super laughing at me yeah yeah yeah and then i just shut down and then from then on out i it was just i i just destroyed everything and then i fucking i was like hi so you responded with anger like you kind of were just like fuck this oh i was just so and i was done i was i just wanted when i went home i was like thank god yeah thank god this is over at what point did you ever like stop having feelings for ben i always had hope but i it was more like i knew he didn't like

me when um kind of las vegas yeah yeah what happened well i could tell i knew who he was going to pick from that point wow from really early on was that really early like day 10 11 i knew who he's going to pick. What? Yeah. It was obvious. People joke that, like, you know when a girl likes your man's. I mean, you know when your man thinks a girl's hot.

You'd have to be an idiot not to know who he was going to pick. So it was kind of obvious. It was anyone who says they didn't know is lying. Because he would just give her a certain kind of attention. Oh, I mean, he would, he looked at her like she was the shot. And she's beautiful and tall. Like, duh, she's hard to miss. It's so funny.

It's on Instagram. We're talking about Lauren Bush now, right? She doesn't look tall on Instagram. She's pretty tall. On Instagram, she's like 5'8? I envisioned her being like 5'3 and it threw me. And she's, she's really, she's naturally really thin. Like, she's that stunning California girl where it's just like, oh.

But she's also the stunning California girl that I'm like, if you like that kind of girl, amazing, you're not going to like me. No. But the guys who like me will not like her. I was like, okay, so he's so into her. Why am I here? Yeah. And I thought of that many times.

You're competitive, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah. But then I was like, okay, he kept keeping me around. And so I was like, oh, I don't know. But then I never got a date the whole time. So then I was like, okay, like there were just so many moments. Oh, you got a two on one.

I got a two on one. I was reading articles about you. Yeah. Oh, the twin. The twin. That's a whole other thing. Yeah. I feel like she should grow up and be her own twin.

But do something without her. It's a three on one. I think actually I don't follow them or anything, but I think they've over the years like gotten their own lives, which is really cool. It's literally a two on one and it's two twins and you. I would literally. I was just like, oh, God. And that was the worst day.

He kept calling her the wrong name and he still chose her. Yeah, when he chose her, I was like, mm-hmm. Also, what I realized is, like, rejection from a man on national TV is very hurtful for your ego. Oh, my God, it was awful. Because you're also, on Summer House, we're not, it's not a dating competition. Like, I don't think I could do a competition because I'm. Like, if you guys break up, it's like, okay, I'll just get drunk and have sex with someone else. Exactly.

This one I was like. Also, like, British Davis, like, it's like, it's about. me. I'm like, I can fucking kick you out whenever it's about me. Well, Ben, Ben, like, really fucked with me. I remember he, um, it was the time, like, the rose was coming out. Yeah. And he goes, Olivia, can I talk to you? And when he gets up, he picks up the rose and walks with the rose. So I was like, oh, okay, he's giving me the rose. In a special way. But then, I don't know if he was asked to do that or whether he's just an, an asshole. I don't know. I'm assuming it's that he was asked to do that. But, like, that fucked with me completely.

Because then I'm, of course, I'm on camera walking around, smiling, like, ah, yay, you got the rose. And then he says, no. Also, you're on your, you're from your height of being like, I'm America's star. I am gorgeous. I am beautiful. It's like comedy. Like, when I do well, I'm like, I'm the funniest person that ever lived.

Ever. But then when you bomb, you're like, a three-year-old who farts is funnier than me. A three-year-old that misses a cheerio in their mouth is funnier than me. What's your current boy situation? Because you have dealt with a lot of ups and downs with dating. I really have. Yeah. You have.

So many. Publicly. I've never taught. I haven't talked about this yet. When I was in Amsterdam for Thanksgiving. You're fun. Super fun. Just alone.

With my, well, my mom, my sister and her boyfriend. We were all there together. So you were third wheeling. Well, you were their mom. Yeah. I was with my mom. And my sister and her boyfriend are like super. They're not like coupley, like, bullies.

like bullshit they're super fun yeah um but we went to this uh the heineken experience which is this like um not a museum but like an experience where you learn about heinican and then you drink a lot at the end and we walked into the coat check and i i've never been like a fall in love at first sight kind of girl but i was like oh my gosh oh my god and then i guess he felt the same way shut up it's really weird shut up he's perfect he's perfect he's He's, he's, he's, he's, so he was born in the U.S., but he's, he's Dutch, he's from Belgium, but he's lived in an action. Um, yes, but none that like, it's all, all over the place.

Yeah. Like, there's nothing like, oh, he's, he's Dutch. But he's, like, exotic. Yes. And his, his Dutch is, like, it needs work. Like, it's not great. Oh, good. I love that.

He's super confusing. He's imperfect. He's imperfect, but perfect. And, yeah, I mean, my mom asked him out, basically. Because I have no balls. So she chased him down and asked him if he was single, if he wanted to go to dinner with us. Your mom's a champion. Oh, she's amazing. Yeah. That's what moms need to do. I know it could be embarrassing, but like, let them live their life. I'm sure he was like, wait, does the mom want to go out with me?

My mom has the same tasting guys in me. And I'm like, mom, calm it down. And my sister's boyfriend wasn't there. And my sister's super hot. So I was like, oh, he probably like likes my sister, right? So anyway, we invite him to dinner. And he shows up that night. And he just did a, amazing. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The first time you hung out with him was dinner with your family. He had dinner with my family every single night that we were there, every night. This is, this, he, like, my mom fell in love with him. Like, loves, like, he knows my family. Is he your traditional type? No. No. What's your traditional type? Typically, I go for, like, super beefy, beef cake, like 30s. You're like, I'm allergic to beef, but, like, hates me. I'm allergic to be they hate me they're restraining order against me like they don't ever want to be around me

that's my typical type i've never actually been with someone who looks at me like i'm a prize but yeah he came to dinner with us every night and then at the end of it i was like okay well like nice to meet you this was fun and he's like well i don't really i kind of want to try and i was like try what try what this doesn't happen in real life yeah you were like try to like try what try to like try what he's like to be together and I was like okay sure I work for the airlines so I fly free so did you like make out yes oh yeah did you hook up no because I hadn't gotten a wax and he deserved better did you give him a blow job no I was so insecure about my body hair I couldn't and I also wanted like he's one of those guys where it's like especially when you're abroad like if you give it to

him like why are they going to call what if do you like feel it do you know know it's sturdy well okay so then we kept talking every day that i was back in the u.s and i decided i was going to go back so last week i went back for like eight or nine days and we just spent the what do you do for the airlines i work in the sky club the delta sky club so i just work part-time yeah so i flew over there um i had broken my foot literally two days before i was going so i was on crutches the entire time you're so dainty but he did an amazing job and we just just get along super well. And at that point, we were like, okay, we're going to try this.

Like, let's just be optimistic because I'm obsessed with him. And I don't, I think he's obsessed with me. Do you get afraid of showing your obsessiveness? Well, I, I've always grown up. Like, my sister's the cool girl. Yeah. Like, she literally before dates, calls me and, like, trains me on how to do things. So I'm really like.

But you have that in you. I do. Yeah. And I feel like, oh, this relationship or whatever it is more than ever. I'm just trying to be like as cucumbery as possible like especially when you're long distance like I'm not someone who's going to be like you can't go out who are you talking to like we talk once a day it's great we laugh we have a good time I don't want to I don't I like I like I like like I like like I like like I like like I'm also like you don't want to be I've been too cool where like

everything a guy does that annoys me I shrug off and then like six months in I'm like I fucking hate the way you blink I'm also I'm also like being really cognizant of like because this is already hard. It's like, I don't want to just look over things. Like if something's not... Yeah, you have to put on your different dating brain of long distance with like, what's Olivia's long distance brain? And also you have to have like goals.

Like to make long distance work, you have to have goals. It's a lot of countdowns. You can't just like aimlessly, you know. So the minute I left, of course I was like we got to think of our next thing. Yeah, you have to have something going forward to. Yeah. And so New Year's Eve was kind of the next thing. and that's when I was coming he's coming he flies in an hour are you oh my god yeah that is so exciting not to turn negative but are you afraid that it has that like bachelor quality where it's like

you're on vacation together and it has that excitement i mean yeah yeah but also who cares but we also like when we're together we try really hard to do like super normal things like we um there was one day where we were super hungover and we just laid in bed all day and watched bridget jones diary and like yeah it's super normal and he loves rom-coms and all these things where it's like yeah we do these we go to museums and stuff because i do like to see where i'm traveling but we also try to keep it like super i just want to find that person that like in those chill boring moments you want to be around i'm gonna get really cheesy yeah like i i watch him just like stare at him sometimes and just the way he like emotes i'm it's like hard eyes like i think just the way he looks at

people I'm like obsessed with I don't know you want to take his skin off and wear I just want to literally I always tell him I'm like I just want to eat you that's really cute that's what page says with her boyfriend on your cheeks page always goes I want to squeeze his face yeah I want to squeeze his face I want to eat him I want to wear him for dinner it's great that you know that you feel this way about him because my stand up and my jokes all stemmed from like my original tweets of like do I like him or is he just tall I love competitive that all I care about he's 6-5 so well I like him already done sold you should marry him he'll be here for a couple days if you want to meet him he needs like tall friends yeah even with this guy who just broke up with me that we weren't

dating I feel like I never stopped to be like do I like him I just like him to like me well yeah that's half the and I'm glad that you relate a little of course I do because I have to fucking stop doing that I've that this is the first time in six years that I haven't done So like for six years, I had plights of nothingness. So I get it. I know it. Also, real quick, what is it like traveling with your family? It's great. You're close with your mom. So me and my mom are super close. And so we both work for Delta. So she has the benefits too. So a lot of times, like I'll just be like, yo, do you want to go to Japan and get some noodles? So we'll just like bop over to Japan. We have a ball together. And my sister, so Delta

employee gets a companion someone usually it's a husband or a boyfriend but mine is my sister so she has it too and so it's we go all over and um it's you know you get great photos from traveling and my best friend rachel is a wedding photographer slash her boyfriend lives in norway so so when i went to amsterdam to see him um she flew over with me and her boyfriend flew from norway and so we got these like amazing pictures because the whole time they're just and he was like oh god but um that's adorable yeah but no i'm i'm trying to like stay on earth a little bit like i also i'm i'm a self-sabotager yeah so i'm trying really hard not to sabotage but a relationship takes two to tango and it's like i always say if he makes you feel crazy he's not

the one yeah no we're like even the situation this guy calling me like i don't understand the logic behind it he clear doesn't understand me that he like freaked out you should never like feel like why is unsafe in your own relationship? So I think it takes too that like the reason why you're probably being better at being down to earth is he's probably giving you the kind of affirmation you need. Yeah. Oh, that word safe is so great. It's super important. I brought up your family because yeah, um, that sounds like a dream. Yeah. I love my family so much, but we used to travel just like tournaments. Yeah. Me and my mom and dad would be craziness. But my parents go, let's just go to L.A. for vacation. I'm like, this is fun. Turns out,

we didn't rent a car so it was all ubering and i'm like i'm like mom dad i'm not ubering you guys everywhere like i'm not doing that well it's like 30 bucks a pop here i'm not doing that well and my dad's like i don't even know how uber works i used it like once but he has it on his phone and i'm like dad you're fucking ubering right now so i make him uber he's all grumpy we get in the uber the uber driver turns around and goes is your name dan and my dad like turns and he goes yeah how do you know and he goes you have the highest uber rating i've ever ever picked up you have a perfect 5.0 my dad his head gets so big he's like he's like king of uber he thinks he's a prince of some he just got prince of egypt or something he turns to me and he's like what's you're breeding and i'm like look at it

it's like 4.6 mine's 4.8 i want to have a meeting with whoever fucking gave me fours i mean a 4.8 is i got 4.6 i think it's because of summer house probably because i'm the one that sometimes is a good friend who's like i got the uber's we're leaving and then my friend like pukes in her purse but so my dad was being so annoying and he was like thinking He's better than me. So one thing I love about L.A. is the Mexican food. One thing I hate about L.A. is the Mexican food. I let out the most disgusting fart.

Really? In that Uber, it smells like chicken enchiladas and death. Oh, my God. And let's just say he has a 4.8 now. So fuck you, Dad. So that's my traveling story. I love. We do a lot.

Yeah, we do a lot of traveling, a lot of international travel, which is fun. You're so cultured. I mean, that's one thing I am. I'll take that. Not many things. Before we go to kind of what your future is and what you're working on, I want to just talk back to Bachelor Days the moment it aired. I know this is the hardest part, but I've buttered you up to get here. Yeah, here we go.

So first episode aired, what happened? So the first episode was actually good for me. I got that little like first impression rose thing. I remember I went to Boston and I watched it with a girl from my season and my producer and my mom and... You were tight with your producer? I thought she was my best friend.

Wow. Fucking killer. Just kidding. Wow. No. So, yeah, so I remember it came out and my phone was on. At that point, I barely... I mean, I already had a little bit of a following because of my job before, but nothing crazy.

What was your job before? I was a news anchor. Oh, yeah, yeah. yeah and so i was kind of like a virginia celebrity but nothing crazy um and my phone was set on instagram like anytime something happens on it gives you notification so the it starts airing i get out the limo and my phone i'm not kidding died within like 10 minutes it would i just i don't think i had a grasp of how big the show is and how well i used to watch the show forever but i never like followed people or anything like that um but the first tweeting i'm telling them to die no no the first

episode was good and I remember feeling like I was on top of the earth. Why do you think he gave you the impression rose as opposed to like Lauren? My my my my my ins so so something I hate about my my experience but just the way I look at it is I'm constantly trying to figure out what went wrong and what was happening in this situation part of my my fucked up self is like I guarantee he was told to do that. The other part of me is like the conversation we really had like I really did feel right out the gate sparks. Like I felt like, wow, that was a great conversation. So in the moment, I really felt like he gave it to me because that was how it was supposed

to be. You were definitely, if it makes you feel better, you definitely were one of the top ones. Oh, well, thank you. For sure. It's easy to compare yourself and I didn't know what anyone else was talking about. But I just remember in that moment being like, I don't see how there could have been better chemistry than what we had like it was just very but i also was like it probably isn't i'm also terrible at that because i'll like say a bunch of funny things and afterward be like that conversation

was amazing that i'm like wait no he might also be i was amazing i was amazing i mean there were little things like production wise that made me feel like okay that was a little bit different than everyone else's conversation and so i thought like maybe i was getting like not special treatment but there was something like i got way more time than everyone else did and then i got back and everyone was like you were they were being cock blocked like they wouldn't let us interrupt you oh and that's when i was kind of like oh that's interesting well i think they probably saw that it was going well and wanted to leave it a little longer and it was probably down to like a couple people if they ever were like choose her it was because you were one of the top ones but also what's

hard with that show which is so ego related too is like it's not about who's better than no it's who's better for ben yeah and i and i and the whole time i'm looking through the room and i'm like oh my god like this girl this girl like the whole time you're just kind of measuring yourself yeah but i remember i was on top of the world everyone was like you're gonna be the winner in the comments or whatever and then the previews for the season show at the end of the that's my favorite when it just shows every the train wreck of the season and i remember watching that and immediately that high just went into the tank because i i looked terrible and i remember i ran into this bathroom and just started sobbing talk about a high to a love i know did you just

see like they showed certain parts they they I was like I'm the villain that minute I was like oh my god what did your producer say oh you're fine it's okay girl bye I will never speak to her again she knows that and then how did your life change the next couple episodes or that season oh god well it got really it got really dark I never I didn't watch I just my my sister who's the strongest person I know was like I'll watch I'll be the one. So it got that bad that you're like, can't look at it? No. So you haven't watched it? Never. I watched the first episode and the women tell all the last episode. Wow. I've seen like little clips here and there. On women tell all, did you like know what to even defend yourself on?

I mean, yeah. When I said sorry, I meant it. Like there were things I did wrong. I was hoping for apologies from some people. Yeah. And they never came. Was there one thing that you regret doing? I mean, I just, I kind of, um, there was one thing I said to this this one girl that I in the moment I don't even know what the fuck there was nothing malicious about it I don't know why I said it it was just one of those things where I was like yeah but obviously I felt terrible about that um but I mean like an interview thing that you said no it was I literally just said it to her face I wish it was an interview I literally just word vomited to her face but then of course like it's frustrating because I worked my ass off to apologize to her on camera yeah of course it didn't you know really translate but either way like I felt bad and I wanted to apologize again for that and then in general like I just I really wanted to pass along that like I regret not trying harder like I could have tried I could have not hold myself up in my room the entire time tried with other girls yeah I could have tried yeah but I also like I really did feel like I I there were people who should have apologized to me that did not yeah and to this day I'm just like that's kind of one of those things anything group mentality really is

hard yeah well it's just i don't know like i i've i felt so broken i remember like i didn't even want to go to women tall all i knew i was going to be on the hot seat i knew people were going to be trained to come after me and i just was like i can't i can't deal it's so weird too because it's months later and you're like living your life but you're just dealing with repercussions of like shit you said well and it's so hard when half of it is like you said this about me and i'm like i have no recollection of saying that i would never say that i can't guarantee that i didn't or things like I don't know if that that's with with you but it's like I watch things and I'm like I didn't even say that like this was put I didn't I don't say those things like someone was like

you said that my dress made me look like a whore or something and I'm like I don't care what your dress makes you look like why the fuck what I talk about your dress like I don't really give a shit yeah so yeah it's hard to be like I'm sorry when you feel like woman tell all helped or her I think it went really well okay yeah that's good because I think in many ways some of the people who were attacking me, it became like, holy fuck, like, this is what she, why are, you know, relax. Yeah. And I just sat there and took it. I didn't argue. Yeah. Because I didn't want to. Do you feel like you learned about yourself and grew from the experience? Oh, of course. Yeah. What do you think it helped you with in terms of, like, reflecting on yourself? Well, I mean,

I think I just learned a lot about, like, my own personal self-confidence. Like, I think a lot of the reason I self-destructed was because I'm just not confident at all. And, you know, the, I learned a lot about my mental health through it. Like, I learned valuable things. Like, I do need help. It sounded like a fight or flight thing where you were like fighting, but then you're also fighting and you were fighting. The whole time, I was like, do I try?

Do I not try? Do these people want me to talk to them? Do they, I mean, because there were moments. I remember distinctly. Because no one logically would be like, I'm going to go be a villain on a show. No, never. And some people are like, I want to be famous. I'm going to go crazy.

That was not my intention. I did not go into it. You're like, I just went crazy. I just literally self-destructed. I am crazy. But, like, I remember moments where it was. like I would wake up and I'd be like, okay, I'm going to try today. And I would go into a room with a bunch of girls and I'd walk in and it would just go silent.

Yep. So it's like, it's hard. It's like, I should try. And people were like, I want you to try. But then when I would try, it would just be like there was no meeting in the middle. They just said that because they have to. And you're saying that because you have to. It's so awkward.

And I mean, reality TV I think is like dysfunctional group therapy where it's just like it heightens your biggest insecurities, your biggest fears. And I definitely got a little bit, like, too focused on him. Yeah, but that's what they are trying to make you do. But I think it came off as like, I think I'm the one, which in reality, the whole time, I was like, he doesn't even fucking like me. What am I doing here? But in interviews, did they want you to sound confident?

Is he the one for you? Yeah, I mean, he might be the one for me. But it was a mind fuck. I mean, I was in the darkest place in my entire life when I was on the show. and then afterwards it just got like my sister changed all of my passwords for social media I didn't even look at anything I couldn't even look at anything what were you doing with your days in bed couldn't get out of bed miserable crying yeah I heard that you were getting like death threats and stuff yeah yeah I mean like I'm sure sometimes you'll have a bad episode and people

will be like fuck you you crazy bitch like that's like normal I'm like oh what a great day thank you Yeah. What a great day. But then the point where it becomes like, no one will care if you die, you should kill yourself. Like, that's just, I don't. That was also before people were really aware of the online bullying too. Like it was happening, but like nowadays it's a real like, you're going to get bullied online. It's fine. They tell you how to deal with it. Where yours is like, that's some intense stuff. I even read online that you were suicidal at one point. When did that hit you? Had you ever been suicidal before? I've always had depression. So this wasn't anything new. I had just never gotten to the low of. like I would be better off not being on this earth and I got there and it was really scary and that was when my mom was like what the fuck's going on when did you first realize you had depression god when I mean I heard I was a super moody kid like I was super up and down I was always hating myself I think it was honestly like elementary school I think I just chromosomally I don't know what it was I've just my brain has never been good and I've been on and

not like I took antidepressants on the show and the problem with me is I think I'm a little bit prideful and so I got off of it thinking like oh I'm good now like I don't need this and then I would go through like this is the longest span of time that I've been on antidepressants and I'm even it's funny because in college I went on I was having I was having trouble serving oh my god my serve was but like I was like obsessing over it yeah and it was like a full on anxiety OCD loop and I went on and I was ruining my life yeah and I because it was all my ego was about 10 that's what you were doing I went on Paxil okay and it like really helped yeah and then after college after that year I graduated and I went off it and then recently after a bad breakup two years ago

I was like I need to go back on and I've been on it wrong with it I'm on 20 milligrams or something nothing crazy really low yeah and I just know that it keeps my mind a little quiet to allow me to be more myself. Yeah. Because I'm like you naturally where I do deal with depression. Yeah. And I do get like really OCD thoughts sometimes. I just get like I'll go really dark like super randomly and I just like don't I don't feel

good about it. I know exactly what you're talking about. It's so weird. Like I'll be having a great day. It'll be like you're in a park and there's kites flying and you're like, why am I alive? You know what I mean? Would that kite even care?

The weirdest thing that I get is like a super. Jealousy for people who always seem happy I remember it I always thought that like my shit was worse than everyone else Oh that's how I am all the time like what would it be like to just be that person clearly with no worries in the world ever But that's what's so fascinating and especially like the good thing that not not learning about myself necessarily But what I got out of the experience was like so many people are like me So many people So many people would go on the show and self-sabotage the same way that I did

And so when you watch it now, do you kind of know what's happening in a way? Yeah, yeah. You even, apparently you tweeted like with Crystal. Do you remember Crystal? You said like, she'll stay on till the two on one. And people were like, their mind was blown. But I knew it. What did you see when you were watching Crystal?

Just like the, she was the same. Like, that's what kind of I get annoyed about with The Bachelor is I feel like it's the same recipe all the time. You can see it's all going the same direction. how he likes her, everyone else doesn't like her, she starts to have to, like, to defend herself to him. He'll start, like, it's all the same shit. It's funny because you keep watching because you think it's going to be different.

It's never different. You're like, oh, and then... Literally, maybe there's, like, certain nuances that are different, but it's the same shit different day. So how did you get out of bed? Oh, God. I mean, at some point you, I just had to fucking force myself. like you've got to pull up your pants you have to sometimes i think jim carrie said this or something

depression sometimes is like a necessary thing like you need to rest your mind you do because it's debilitating like you have to rest and like especially when i i had i eventually the weirdest thing was i couldn't get out of bed but i also couldn't sleep so that's when i started taking like um there's a medication called tracadone um which is not a sleeping pill but it's like an anti-anxiety yeah it helps your brain to stop running and that helped a lot as far as I when I wasn't getting sleep then I didn't want to get out of bed at all because I was just fucking exhausted did you want to like what I imagine your family was like what action do we take like did you want to go on a radio show or did you like what was that kind of discussion my parents were very very angry at the show

but there's also nothing you can do about it like you sign a contract saying we don't care what happens to you that we're making less money and so it was really hard because I had to be like there's nothing we can fucking do like I can call a producer and say you've hurt me so bad they don't give a shit did it hurt your career do you think yeah oh yeah yeah because I you know I sent my tape out to news stations after the fact like I got to get back to work maybe that'll help and a lot of them were like you're super talented but you're a PR nightmare like we can't do it right now and then time passed and then and then I just was like there was a fear of cameras yep that was my job was to be on camera and I was like

like oh my god i never want to be on camera again and it was a lot it was a lot of things and i'm very happy career wise now so it's like i don't regret that but i definitely felt really angry that like not to be a hater towards anyone's job but like the job that i had before i worked really hard to get it's very hard to get it's it's something that's a select few people can do and i did it and then i lost it and i that's on me like i should have never done it in the first place i was doing really well in my career. But it's hard to get that taken away from you. And I wasn't trying to be a monster. I was, but I wasn't trying to be. And yeah, my argument was like, yeah, I'm a PR nightmare, but like people are going to fucking watch just to watch the train wreck. Like, you want to go from

bottom of the ratings to the top? Put me on the screen. Yeah. So are you not doing any of that anymore? No. Do you want to? No. Well, first, first off, like, I talk about TV. I'm not trying to get people. to not want to do it because it's amazing. But like I made $22,000 a year out of college. Like I made nothing. I make more on Instagram now. Not really, but that's the running joke of like, you know, I worked my ass off. I was working 10-hour days.

I, after college, did some sports broadcasting at Wisconsin and then basically had a decision, do I go to like Kansas at a small radio and get paid $18,000? Nothing. Or go back to New York City and figure it out. Try. And I just said, go back to New York City and figure it out. At some point, money has to be, you know, it has to be. And I just, like, I missed my family and I ended up getting into video through this route.

But what you did is so difficult to get into. So hard. But I also, now that you're, it sounds like it was a slow progression to get racist. It wasn't like you didn't wake up one day, like, I'm good. No, and I, I didn't, like, I love podcasting now, but I didn't even know what a podcast was. Yeah. Like, I was. My friends say that your podcast was one of the first ones that they, like, really love.

really lucky yeah like i nowadays you know anyone can have a podcast which is cool great there's a lot of good ones but but i was i was actually doing stasi schroeder's podcast i didn't even that was my first one ever i didn't even know what i was doing no no and and i was at this uh it was previously cvs in new york and someone came in and was like you have a great voice you're you want to do this and i was like do what like i we had to talk about a name and a concept and now it's the It was, that was in 2017. And now I'm doing it all every week and I love it. And I get that little taste of journalism.

Yeah. But, but in a way that. I still could see you getting in front of camera in the future. I could. Yeah. But this is such a great. I love this avenue. And I love, I literally get to talk to interesting people.

Also, I have an excuse to meet people I always wanted to meet. Totally. Honestly, it's probably better than a coffee date that we would have. I agree. I agree. Been like busy. And like, it's so fun. Like, people are just so honest.

Yeah. And, and I don't know. And I love listening to podcasts Like that's what I do every day I don't listen to music anymore I just listen to podcasts So it's so fun I love hearing your story

As someone who's currently in reality TV Where it's like my biggest fear I guess But then you start to realize Like I'm entertainment for people I think I wish Like in hindsight I wish I had embraced it more

Like I really fought it Like I was like This isn't me You're not even part of like it's funny because now i think uh ben's season is on like netflix or some shit where people are watching it again and people are like i watch it a second time and i just see you completely differently now okay so batch in paradise calls you today what do you do no they've called no why one and done baby yeah i don't need it i'm good i just i don't i don't try they hate me

first of all they would never call me but i'm very much hated by them because you've talked about like stuff but I don't give a fuck yeah I'm good um so I know how you feel about that um so now just I want to know what your like goals are what you're working right now what's happening yeah so uh so 2019 was pretty shitty for me why goal wise well so I love my podcast I'm not I'm gonna do that for as long as people want to listen to my voice yeah and the beauty of reality TV is that there's a new cast every minute so it'll never slow down in that respect um But I did, my dream is to, well, I want to be a Delta pilot. But to love, I wanted to make sure I love the air and being up there.

And so I put in for a Delta flight attendant and just interviewed. And then I didn't get it. And literally I was like, oh my God. I had all these plans. You know, you make plans in your brain. And then I didn't get it. And so now I'm kind of like, fuck, do I just go to pilot school? You're like, is the universe telling me?

Do I go to pilot school? Do I stick with what I have? So I hate to say, like, I'm at a point right now for 2020 where it's like, I have decisions to make. Yeah. I thought it was going to be going into 2020 being like, I'm an FAA. I got training on this day, but I'm not. So is it like very hard to get in as a flight is heavy? Very hard.

Yeah. Very difficult. The interview process was very long. It was like four months long. Holy crap. Lots of steps. And then we, I went to Atlanta for like the final day. And it's just an exhausting day.

everyone is good everyone is talented and there's no feedback like you don't you don't know I have no idea what I could have done differently I don't know I just have to try again and most people have to try like four times before they get the offer so it's kind of part of the dance they do it's a dance you don't really know I they want to see that you really want to do it exactly and I do so I'll try again when did you realize that um so I started working for Delta in 2017 and I had no idea that I loved flaunt like to me takeoff like I get orgasms during takeoff like I think takeoff is the hottest fucking thing in the world how you can just go from zero to 500 and then you're just in the air I don't know what I love it do you think you'd be good with customer service I'm great with customer

service wow and that this is the funniest thing is like the two jobs that I combine so my podcasting I get my journalism I get my like brain yeah but then like what I do for work I get my people time where before as a news anchor it was like I'm talking to people all the time and building relationships now I just have both where it's like me at work in the sky club I'm constantly like where are you headed how's your granddaughter do you like fucking love it I mean yeah are there assholes yes yeah does the airport bring out the worst in everyone yes yeah everyone's in there like oh my god I mean I can't tell you how many times I've been screamed at like it happens on the daily you can handle confrontation oh I totally can and I also have no

problem being like you need to you I will kick you out if you keep raising your voice at me that's well that's part of being a flight attendant like you're probably being a great mom or babysitter my mom says I'll be a great mom because I'm like the kind of babysitter that the kids like can I watch as an appropriate movie and I'm like sure sure like do you like me like tell me on the best baby wait like tell your parents I'm the best ever so yeah I get the best of everything so you don't have social anxiety this is why I'm so confused about you right now too because I love talking to people who I don't judge me yeah but it's almost like you like you like the organized like podcasting or like the organized situation where you're in kind of control where it's like we know what we are yeah

you're you're you know i'm gonna check you into the club you're checking people in or let's talk where you're going yeah the minute i'm in a room of like people who are cool in my age and have thoughts and judgments and shit i'm like fuck what do i say to hannah to get her to want to talk to me do you know it's i've just been talking about i'm i'm the same way and that like I'm just like I'd rather not be here I don't get I'm just like I never I never have FOMO ever I never I'm I'm more like I got to a point where I just stopped trying to get people to like me but then reality hit and I'm in this weird place where people want everyone to like people want to talk to me is that weird people never wanted to be my friend yeah people never I mean

people thought was funny but like only the ones I would like take the time to get to know me so now I'm at places and people are like trying to talk to me trying to hang out and I'm like this is almost worse yeah This is worse. Well, I'm fine with, like, people wanting pictures, but it's more like, people who are cool who are like, what are you doing? What are you up to? And I'm like, you, motherfucker, would not care a year ago what I'm up to. I want to wrap this up with a final game.

I love a game. You survive the hard part. Oh, Lord. Well, actually, no, you haven't. We're about to play The Seven Deadly Sins. mom mom can you come pick me out what are you greedy about I mean food do you feel like you how do you how do you eat right now like what's your relationship with anything and everything good for you but also like I then I hate myself so maybe that's also you stay away from beef I do yeah I'm good at

that but like I'm just I eat really fast if you put a plate of food I'm eating the whole thing. I'm not leaving half of it for the breakfast. No. I'm just like, mah. I'm an animal when it comes to food. What's your go-to indulgent? French fries.

Oh, yeah. What do you put on it? Ranch dressing. Oh, fuck yeah. Well, you're from Texas. I'm greedy about my ranch dressing. You know how to fucking eat. Actually, adjust it.

I'm greedy about ranch. I was talking. Don't fuck with my ranch dressing. French fries are just like a serving spoon. For ranch. Pizza. Even my sister, we were getting pizza the other day and she takes my ranch and I just slapped her hand.

Get out of my ranch. That's why you're the villain. I'm greedy. You're the ranch monster. I mean, I am a villain in every way. Yeah. Just so you know, I'm not denying my villainous behavior. I had Caroline Callaway on.

Do you know who she is? She's the scammer. Whoa. And she's full on embraced scam mode. I saw. She's not like, sorry. She's like, yeah, what of it, bitch? so yeah i feel that for you um who are you envious of my sister and but have you is it healthy or

is it sometimes like fuck you a little bit of both i think it's mostly healthy mostly like admiration she's younger but my sister's someone who's like you know that saying like some people just walk in the light she's one of those people oh like i know she's i know she's had hard times but like she's never been single guys line up to date her and quality guys like great guys line up to date her she's got a great job she hasn't been broken up with a guy who lives with i don't think she's ever she's been broken up with but now he like begs for her back so it's like that kind of shit that's like the best where i'm like i couldn't pay someone to date me but men literally are on their knees like please take me back and you're like we're just a couple chromosomes away from each

literally but like she's tall athletic like you name it she's got it all See, I have a brother, so I never had to, like, compare myself that much. Yeah. Because I'm like, he's a dude, whatever. Who cares? I think it's different when it's girls. It's so different. And we played volleyball together.

Like, we had a lot of points where it was like, we're set up to hate each other. And we don't. I love her. She's my best friend on this earth. Yeah. When I'm jealous of her, it's because I'm like, holy fuck, you have it all. It sounds like you're very self-aware of it. Yeah.

And that means, like, you're very comfortable with it. Yes, totally. And also, I always say jealousy shows just like you, just what you want for yourself. Totally. And it's a natural human. a lot of things that she has about her and that stuff. What are you gluttonous about besides Ranch? Is there any, like, kind of emotion that you like or person that you're...

Sadness? Oh. I love sadness. Do you listen to sad songs? All the time. I'm a glutton for sadness. When I'm sad, I don't understand why people listen to sad songs. I'm like, do you want to keep being sad?

I'm happy, and I listen to sad songs. Like, when I'm happy, I'm like, wait. I'm not sad, though. Like, I need to get back to my sadness. Were you emo? Oh, totally. Oh, my God. I wore the chains.

I wore red eye shadow. I did it all. That's amazing. If I'm not sad, I feel like something's wrong. Yeah. But it sounds like it's your comfort zone. Like, you're not. I love feeling bad about myself.

Yeah. Yeah. Super fun. Super fun. But then there's like a depression mode. So you have to hit. But then I'm like, ooh, okay. Yeah.

Tweak it. Do you ever get worried when you're too happy? all the time. I'm like, this isn't real. It's not going to last very long. Yeah. Yeah. Like even with this guy, I'm like, yeah, it's going to be over next week. I used to do this thing where if something bad happened to me, I'd be like, well, that means something good's going to happen. Yeah. But then something good happened. I'd be like, that's something bad. I always told myself that. And then, oh, that's just your anxiety trying to control the future and make sense of life. And I was like, well, preach, sister. Well, okay. All right. Way to put me in my place. I'll give you your $150 to

for one hour of basically me just talking to you. Let me pay you to talk to you. This one therapist was like a little too old and I was just telling her about like some Instagram shit that happened and the whole time I had to explain her what an insa story is and I'm like I don't. Well it's funny because like when you do therapy for like a reality TV fucked up person, you have to like specify like do you watch the shows? Do you know anything about this?

Like if I'm just yapping away about production and they're like, that doesn't work. Oh my God. They need like specific therapists. really do for reality yeah yeah um when was the last time you experienced extreme wrath i think the most extreme wrath i've ever felt was after the show yeah towards people it's funny that you had that anger was the emotion oh i was so angry i was so angry like i don't think i've ever been that angry before i don't think in recent memory have i been that angry do you but and you like couldn't do anything no can you imagine how hard it is to to be so mad at someone who doesn't feel bad about what they

did and won't ever apologize does not feel bad how hard did you try with the the girls after did you care to like are you going over it well part of the thing was like none of us ever even got in fights yeah so it wasn't like it was like they came out and hated my guts no so either way i was like are so were you cool or like what's up like i didn't realize i i'm watching them talk shit about me in ITMs and i'm like oh i didn't know that you felt that way you know what i mean so it was weird but like my anger was directed at production i think is it weird to like bachelor nation bachelor nation do

it's like you're on the hinge of it yeah you because of kind of your experience you're like I don't want to monetize myself for that to me it's like blood money I don't like it yeah yeah yeah um when was the last time you were a sloth so like you were super lazy every fucking day oh that's amazing um probably in Amsterdam

uh yeah but you were like I mean I was with my man yeah so that felt great but either way like we didn't eat the whole whole day because we were so lazy that we were like I can't even go get food I love when you're with a guy that you forget to eat which never happens to me you forget to check your phone oh yeah all day that's how you know and I was like a spider monkey like I was just wrapped around him for hours we didn't even have the time it was just laying there isn't that intimacy crazy for someone you just it was fantastic you like how he smells at every pheromones of all of it I love I'm I keep saying

what's wrong with you I recently with guys on first dates I'm like are your parents still together Oh, yeah. Do you have any addictions? And they like start laughing. Have you been checked? And I'm like, we'll get there. This is a tough one. What was the last time you let your pride get in the way of something?

Oh my gosh. I mean, maybe the Delta flight attendant interview. Like right away, people were like, you'll do it again, right? Like you'll just apply in six months. And I'm like, no. like I went to work the next day being really mad at my company like feeling like why am I why did you hire me not good enough why did you hire me to work for Delta if you don't want me to move up in my delta career like I was very very prideful and and very angry and that got that made me just like

it's funny because those moments of rejection are either like the universe pushing you in a different direction or the universe being like be better and it's hard to know which well like for example people are like well that just means that that wasn't the thing for you right now like that's that's something in the universe saying like it's not the right time yeah and i wanted to feel that way but instead i felt this whole like why do i work for doubt why do they not want me and all this stuff and you want to feel like i should have gone that way but i didn't it's funny i've had so many interviews now this girl it reminds me of this girl jera bean jera foster fell is her real name but instagram jera bean she wanted to be a sole cycle instructor she was like a blogger she wanted to be

cycle instructor and it's another cult like Delta yeah yeah and she she did the whole training program she got in the whole training program got rejected then she did it again got rejected did it again made it and then eight months later was like I hate it wow she just like what it wasn't her cup of tea she wanted to like prove herself she could do it yeah it was more of like she wanted to overcome she had anxiety speaking and she wanted to like be athletic because she was that like fitness girl on Instagram she wanted to prove she's real athlete right but it's one of those things where I think she was trying to prove it to other people yeah it was it was more of a pride thing than an actual this is what I want to do so but with you I do feel like I do want to do you're not doing

this no I work for a company that I love but I definitely felt like how dare because you fucking wanted it I wanted it real bad and I showed up I think also you being a pilot would be so hot I think Yeah. Are you kidding me? Either way, I'll, at that moment, I was like, well, fuck it. I'll just go to school right now and skip it. I'll skip flight attendant. You were like, I was trying to be nice for you guys. Well, I was trying to make sure that I wanted to be there, but now I'll just go. But the fact that the rejection doesn't make you want to not be a pilot. No, it makes me want it even more. Oh, I love that story. Now I'm all pumped up. Are you getting a driving? Yes. I'm a great driver. Just double-checking. And I'm very calm. Like if shit goes wrong, I'm not going to freak out. I would let you drive. I mean, pilot me. That's one thing like I'm very good at. I'm not good at. When was the last time you lusted over someone? Last week. Last week. So you're like physically and emotionally attracted him. Oh my God. You want to hump his leg? All the time. Constantly. So you're going to see him. Are you nervous? You're seeing him in like an hour.

No, in an hour. I'm so obsessed with him. freaking out. I'm so excited. But he's also going to have to take a little nappy. Like, I'm going to have to put him to bed because he's probably jet lagged. Oh, that's really cute. Yeah. I like taking care of him. I was about to say, that's a very caretaker of you.

I'm very, I'm like, I'm like, you're going to take care of me. I'm like, yeah. It's funny because people don't see this side to you on the show where, like, they're seeing the animalistic chase. I'm super soft. And you're soft on the inside, just like a chocolate chip cookie. Just like a cookie. We're going to wrap this up with food as we always do.

Great. What I actually want to ask as the final question is what advice would you give to the listeners on how to cope with your hell when you're in hell? Oh my gosh. I mean, for me, when I was in hell, well, I'm in hell every day and right now, but when I was in my particular hell, I think it goes back to pride. And if you can't cope properly, like you need to ask. for help and that's something that it took me a long time to get like it is okay to ask for help

and it's okay to spend $150 at therapy if that's what you need you'll find a way to make it work you have to you have to because without your mind i don't think you're anything it's true you can't function you can't be a human if your brain isn't working i mean you could be a model but besides for that unfortunately i'm not that so i had to spend $150 on therapy no Olivia you're amazing you're beautiful you're confident you're cool I am so happy that you came to hell where can people follow you where can people listen to your podcast I post once a month on Instagram at Olivia Carridi hell yeah that one post a month is really good though yeah um my podcast is called mouthing off there's a link on my insta it's on your podcast app and

Radio.com and Stitcher and all those thingsies. I guarantee, even if you don't know who I'm talking to, it will still be entertaining. And yeah, that's Twitter. Olivia Carready, haven't tweeted in about a year. Oh, actually, my Facebook page for my podcast is really fun. It's called Mouthing Off with Olivia Cariti. I answer everybody's questions all the time. I respond to everything.

It's a good community. So join that. That's awesome. The Facebook groups are hot. I also, I have a little devil's Facebook group, so check that out. Join it. I'm trying to make my more pop in. Fuck, yeah.

I mean, the best, like, I get, I mean, I love answering shit, but I guess, like, other podcasters don't chat in their groups because everyone's like, I just love how involved you are. And I'm like, I just love the conversation. This is, this is what I have. Yeah, so people will tag me and be like, so what's going on in Amsterdam? What's happening? Like, people are, like, so invested, and it's really cute.

That's the community you've built is so awesome. I only hope, so. And thank you guys for coming to hell. Thanks for coming to hell. I will talk with you later. Bye.