Berner Phone - Pete Lee: Tall, Dark & Pleasant In Hell

Episode Date: August 27, 2021

I am Pete's number one fan so I was so excited to take him to hell. Even though people know him as the nicest comic in NYC, I dug deeper to find out if he has other sides to him. Turns out, oh boy, he does!  GET TICKETS TO MY COMEDY SHOWS HERE: https://www.hannahberner.com/ --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Okay, I hate to be a nerd right now and start fan-girling, but this guest is one of my favorite comics ever, and I'm so happy to have them on the pod. Also, this Thursday, September 2nd, your girl's going back to the Hamptons. I'm at the clubhouse in East Hampton, get tickets at hannah burner.com, and then on the weekend, I'm going to Kansas City. Then I'm going to New Jersey, Buffalo, Nashville, and New York City. So go to hana burner.com. Get your tics and enjoy the episode. welcome to hell I have like a like a Midwestern hockey mom

inside of my head that I'm constantly going be cool Pete like say less say less what is welcome to burning in hell

what is up guys we are in hell with one of the nicest men comedy or so he says we'll see what we can bring out of him today we have pete lee welcome my man yeah see you in hell oh my god you're by the way you're um i feel like this is like uh i feel like this is like a make good on something that like because i feel like i wronged you right from the start you reached it when did you wrong me you reached out to me and maybe i do deserve to be in hell but you reached out to me and you're like hey i'd love for you to come

on the podcast. And I think it was right after I moved to L.A. from New York. So I wasn't in town anymore. And I was like, yeah. And I just ghosted you. Like I totally didn't respond. And I remember I looked at your pictures. I was like, she's cute. And I was like, she's cute. She's got a lot of followers. I remember thinking like, I would love to talk to her. But I was starting a new relationship at that time. And I was like, no way, I'm going over to her apartment because she'll probably swoop on me and, uh, and we'll probably connect and is going to ruin everything. And so I just ghosted you. And then I remember Nikki Glazer became good friends with you. And she's like, Hannah Burner's the best. And I was like, I knew it. I knew she's the best. I knew she's the best.

And I'm not like I was being very, uh, like egotist, like egotistical and presumptuous that somehow us podcasting together would make us fall in love, uh, or something like that. But I just like played it through in the worst case scenario and then I never responded to you and the next thing I know I'm having dinner with you at the cellar with Nikki and I was like she's so awesome and I apologize to you in that moment but I want to apologize to you now one for ghosting you and two for just being an idiot that thought that if we just sat down in a room together that we'd be married that's like my that's like my sweet Midwestern brain like well if you make eye contact with a woman you're going to marry each other wait I'm I'm very Very flattered, first of all. I'll tell the female narrative of this story. I bet it's so different than what I just said. So I went to L.A. for the first time, because I'm just New York trash, with my mom. And we went to the laugh factory because Dane Cook was performing.

Sufi. The double fuck you. I was like 13 when that came out. It was amazing. So I see Dan Cook's performing And I was like I guess I was starting comedy I had my podcast

And the opener comes on And he's trying his best It wasn't that great Dane Cook comes on Shits all over this poor man's performance And I got really upset I was like wait Dan Cook you're my hero

Why are you doing that And why does your face look like that Why do you look like a sexy reptile But Dane went on Oh God What podcast was it um he went on i think it was like i don't i forget what podcast it was but he was like he's like

i never have gotten blood surgery in my life and i was like dude come on come on i have my issues with plastic surgery however if you're going to do it own it give people your surgeon's name so they know not to go to that person so yeah i'm just i'm a dain cook changed my life so i'll always support him but i was like a little turned off but he was just kind of being a little cocky but it was cool to see him on stage and then you came on And you had a very refreshing, positive energy as opposed to, like, the guy who looks like, you know, he's going to bully your little brother. And you are so funny. And I also, I tend to love comics who are very different than me.

Like, I almost think it's like, wow, they're genius that they can make a joke out of that because, like, I could never. So I remember being like, I love Pete Lee. I love Peteley. I'm a Peteley fan. And I'm like, Peteley's my favorite comic. Yes. Oh, my God. I love that.

you do I saw you do 10 minutes and I was like Pete Lee's my favorite I wanted to be like like not go from Dane Cook to like more nuanced comedians that like not everyone knows but if you know comedy you know yeah I mean I really am kind of the photo negative of Dane Cook because I mean he he is a he is a he is a he Dane Cook is a he is a space time capsule of like of like a of like a basically like a 2010's douche and or like a two early 2000s douche guy. And, I mean, honestly, like, to give him credit, because, you know, like, I give him credit. He, he pioneered a very specific voice in comedy. And then there were a lot of people that tried to emulate that. And the problem is, in my opinion with him artistically, is that he, he needs to go to, like, version, you know, 10.1. Like, he pioneered that all the way from, like, zero to 10.0. But, like, he's got to go to another step where he's a little more human at this. this point because I see him perform all the time over LA and I mean he stole he sold out stadiums

so who am I to talk you know about or to give him advice with comedy but like I feel like if he let people in a little bit more and and he was just a little more real because whatever that guy is that like I'm Dane like it's just not like it's it can't be him like it's well you're right because everyone evolves and everyone changes I mean if you look at like Amy she's not doing the same jokes like she had kids she got really famous she had to like address that and you can't enjoy the jokes if you're not really feeling them anymore but um i i i want to daincook come back i want to see him selling out stadiums again yeah i would actually be he could open for you i would love for him to open for me i i know and like when i say that like i i i'm not just

like trashing him like i'm rooting for him like i i always love artistic growth and transformation and I like I said to give him full credit for pioneering like he figured out a way to make that funny and how to and like he had a distinct he had such a disdivuities his physical movements it was I thought it was iconic I remember the first time I was talking to like comedians when I was younger being like mentioning Dane Cook and someone was like if you like Dane Cook you're fucking loser

and I was and then I realized like oh it's like because he's so mainstream and shit and but anyway I immediately was like, I need to have this guy in my podcast. I think he lives in Queens, whatever. And I, like, worked hard on getting this, like, nice paragraph. Didn't know that male comics don't want to do my pod because they might fall in love with me. They're so scared. Yeah, I was terrified that I might fall in love with you.

I thought that I want to do her podcast, which you can talk about fucking avocado toast. I'm not fucking going on that podcast. But then I found out you're from Wisconsin. So then I was like, we're going to meet. Then I found out your friends with not only Nikki Glazer, but with the showrunner of Summerhouse. And I was like, our worlds are going to collide. I'm just going to sit back and then just stare at him until he feels awkward enough to apologize for his disrespect. No, I actually forgot that you didn't.

I don't know. But you assume people just think they're too good for you when they don't respond to you, you know? No, I didn't think I was too good for you. I thought that I would, I thought that I would fall in love with you. And that's like that honestly, even that statement is so, I'm going to, I'm going to use some. like current terms some millennium like gen x gen z what are terms like that is very problematic that i thought that two talented people would come together and we would fall in love and especially someone who like not only do i love your fiancee so much like i like i love the two of you together

um i'm not like i'm not like hitting on you in the past right now uh but yeah everything i'm i'm trying to own that everything that i thought was wrong is what i'm trying to say What I'm trying to say is this nice guy isn't what he seems, you know? Yeah. This is just kind of a tell-all about the real Pete Lee. This really is. I just accused Dane Cook of not being himself enough. And then it got, I got judo flipped into the same accusation.

Well, I didn't even give you an intro yet, but I want to say I'm so proud of you. Pete Lee, tall, dark, and pleasant. is what is it showtime showtime it's on showtime yeah it is showtime for pete lee um you have to watch and again you are one of my favorite comedians i literally tell that to people because that that's just what i do i i just spread the good word what's crazy is you're from wisconsin and you're thrown into the new york city vibe and you were divorced and you loved watching tv this is just what I'm getting from your bio. And in 2005, you flew to New York to make your TV debut. And the rest is history. Now you're on Showtime with your own special. How are you feeling? Where's your mental health?

I feel like you've been in comedy for so fucking long and you've accomplished so much. Where are we at now? I feel great, honestly. Do we quit on top? Like, what's going on? Let's get done. I did last night, I did buy a lottery ticket. I was on, I was driving home from San Diego. I had a show and then, I had to drive home for like two hours. And I stopped in this town called San Juan Capistrano. It's the one that Jim Carrey references in Dumb and Dumber. Like we'll swim like the salmon of San Juan Capistrano. And I stopped at this gas station while I was charging my Tesla brag.

And by the way, it's super creepy to go to a gas station in the middle of the night when you didn't pull in there. And now I'm just the guy walking across the street to come to the gas station. Like the lady I was this guy like the gas station was open and I heard like I saw her go lock the doors and she goes, you have to go to the window. You know that little window with the bank tray? So that was happening. But anyway, what was the point behind this? I drove home in the middle of night. I would just want to tell you I have a Tesla. That's what I wanted to say. I was saying how's your mental health? Oh, okay. I okay. So this does tie in. I feel great. And you bought a lottery ticket. I bought a lottery ticket. I bought a lot. lottery ticket and um all i could think about was like like do is this it do like do i just quit comedy now that i but i think i honestly think that i would still do stand-up comedy if i won this 173 million dollars in the power ball or whatever but i would just do it like chapelle but without having the body of work that he has like i would just fly my friends everywhere and do crazy stuff and i think i would probably give most of it away that's who i am like i was having fantasies in the car

right about who I would give it to and like what I would do and so what happened um I just tonight or tonight and tomorrow I find out if I won the lottery and um but but I feel I feel really good I'm we talked about it before the podcast I'm single uh which you know everybody goes like I'm so sorry and it's like well yeah that was a couple months ago it was like like yeah I'm so sorry I was down in the dumps and then the special came out I've gotten to do a lot of press which is really fun I've been writing a new hour. So since the special, if anybody wants to come to see me on tour, like, it's a full new hour. And I've had like, you know, whenever you go through a breakup, you go through like a creative

explosion where you're like, it's like just everything is. You question everything. You're like, what's the purpose of life? What is that? And so like, and you and I both know that the currency for happiness as stand-up comedians is whether or not you've written a new joke and like whether or not you love the new stuff that you're doing. like it no zoloft can compare to writing a new joke it feels so good and that does proven well

like you could there's ones where you thought were good and then you try it out and you're like i'm an idiot oh yeah i'm stupid how could i see that for so dumb it was yeah that oh god yeah exactly like you you try it once and it in every line of it crushes and then you try it the next time and you know how you need momentum in the early lines of a bit for the big punch line to pay off. And then there's just none of that momentum. And you're like, why can't? My mouth doesn't work when I say this. But, uh, but yeah, I'm feeling like creatively good. Um, I my, uh, and the special has been getting really good reviews. Um, and then, uh, you know, I've been getting a lot of good feedback from funny people like you about the special and, you know, like my peers. And then like my social

media numbers have started to go up um follow me at peatly peatly peatly um that's really are you on tic i'm on tic-tac yeah i'm on tic-tac yeah when i first started tic-tac people were like using your audio a lot for jokes and i don't know if you had started it yet and i'm like that's fucking peteley's joke but like obviously they would write like pete lee underneath but yeah i think it's an exciting time for you because yeah like shit's blowing up and you're such a different type of voice but ultimately do you you get worried that you might like you know Madonna has to evolve all the time do you think you're going to evolve and like have like a special where like you go off and like you become Pete Lee like bad boy yeah I you know it's you know what's funny is Pete Lee unleashed

Pete Lee going crazy uh the funny part is that this new hour that I've written um which is like it's early work still it's uh I've probably written about an hour and a half to two hours. I wrote a new 30 last week just about stuff that had been going on. And, um, and that is like a total brag, but like I can't even believe how much I wrote last week. And when I say wrote, like, I write a little snippet in my like in my phone and then I take it up on stage and I blow it out as the week goes on. And I couldn't believe how fun this like the last week's material was. And now I've written it out, you know, because I listen back to it. And now that we're video editors, professionally because we have to put clips up. I record all my shows with I'll show you what I have

so I have a I have the Sony cool so it's like a Sony 4K camera and then I have like this giant lens that's like as big as my head so I can get like good 4K stuff and then I also take a GoPro on stage with me and I record the audience and it's and so I get like both angles and then I have another a third camera that you could just record your own special on a Tuesday night pretty much every week and then I come home to this office and I sit down and I go through like five hours of footage and I and it's like three cameras so I'm going camera number one camera number two and and then I cut together the internet clips but through that process I've actually I think that that's how I've really written the new hours I get all these ad libbed things and then I can blow them out into bigger things

and you don't lose them or forget them do you like watching yourself over i hate it i hate it yeah because that sounds like a nightmare to me it's i because i would rather lie to myself and be like i killed than have to re-watch it and be like you stupid little bitch you're embarrassing your family i'd rather lie i'd rather walk off and be like that joke did pretty well it's sad but i love the way i don't listen to my podcast i live in the moment i love the way you just talk about yourself that you stupid little bit that um i i i'm friends with this um mob wife rene graziano and um i remember i love her yeah one time uh we were talking and i told her about this breakup that i was going through because

her and i used to talk on the phone after i met her at best week ever on vh one and then we would talk on the phone and i was like yeah i went through this relationship where um the the x that i'm talking about was uh she wound up having an infidelity and she got caught because she got an STD and I didn't have it. And this is not legally. I'm saying this is not a specific X. I'm saying that this is a X. So no legal recourse

can come. And Renee Graziano was like, I will find her. I will find her. And I will fuck her up and I will tell her her whole family's trash. And I was just like, I was crying laughing on the phone. And she's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just, I'm very

passionate. You're a very nice guy. And I will fuck her up. And I was like, Renee, please don't do that. I was like, please don't do that. I've been reading a book called The State of Affairs by Esther Perel and I understand that infidelities are just a part of life

and if she was my friend, I would go, hey man, it happens. And she's like, it doesn't happen. And I was like, I'm envisioning a movie of you as a mob boss and then you just have this crew behind you and you're like, I don't want to have to do it. Right.

Like I would be, I don't know how I haven't been tapped for Fargo just yeah it's brutal but I as someone who went to Wisconsin Wisconsin oh me as most people are from Wisconsin I feel like a lot of people are kind of the same they have like similar religions they have similar outlook they have similar they love the packers they like to go duck hunting they love cheese and it is a fucking nice life out there is a lot of them get married early these are all mass stereotypes but I'm just giving a general observation you decided that you want to have this personality which like was there's not a lot of people with like real big personalities in the Midwest they're really good at like broadcasting and like I don't they're really good laughers but like people thought I was fucking crazy people thought I was exotic when I went to Wisconsin I had brown hair they thought I dressed like a psychopath because I would like I just dressed like a weird New Yorker so you leave Wisconsin you did you get married early I did get married early I did get married early in life of course I did like I think I said it earlier like a girl will make eye contact with me and I'm like oh I guess we're engaged in the eyes of the Lord and so I got to and by the way like people I do that voice a lot on stage and like it really is like and then I've heard people go like oh that's your stage character I'm like number one even if you listen to how I'm talking right now I have a Wisconsin accent I amp it up probably like 23% when I do that little section like those little snippets of my set but um

Um, that voice is, but everyone amps up for like the punchline or like for the emphasis of what you're trying to portray. Yeah, it's comedy and you got to like, like I don't talk like this on stage. Yeah. Yeah. Like on stage you're like I am broadcasting. No. Uh, it's, but it's it's it's one of those things where, um, you know, like the voice that I like that I discuss on stage a lot is like the voice inside of my head. So like I have learned over 43 years of life how to be cooler when I'm talking to. Anna Burner, who's like this cool friend of mine, and I know how to be a little bit cooler. But in my head, I'm like, you should tell her you like her nails because they're really, they're really cute. And she needs to know that. That's what my brain is telling me to tell you. And I have like a, like a Midwestern hockey mom inside of my head that I'm constantly going, be cool, Pete.

Like say less. Say less. So you get married early. it didn't work out you're doing comedy you're not the stereotypical guy from Wisconsin I don't think there are a lot of stand-ups from Wisconsin

there's a lot from Philly and Boston and New York and like loud places Wisconsin is like the nice Vikings yeah we really are I mean it's Wisconsin's also very German because the the soil was very similar to the soil in Europe

specifically in Germany so and this was back when they were the United States was just basically giving land to people and the Germans knew how to farm this specific land. So they gave them a lot of the land there. So Wisconsin is kind of like going to Germany but just like the like I don't know how to say it like good Germany. You know like they're not like the Germans aren't historically known for their great sense of humor though. Yeah. And I so I do think did you think growing up that you were different? Um yeah. All my friends were funnier than me though. That's like and I don't know if you. You dealt. So you had a funny friend group. Yeah, I thought all my friends were hysterical growing up. I had the funniest. I gravitated toward it. My brother, my older brothers are way funnier than me. Like, I was always the least funny person in the room. But I, like, listened and I learned from them. And I watched a lot of sitcoms and I, like, always was learning joke stuff. And then my grandmother was a lounge singer in Vegas and then in Los Angeles. She actually, you know, the comedy store main room? That used to be the Ceros main room. My grandmother has lounge. sang there and told jokes on that stage. And she's passed now, but her name was Lady Anne. And there's this, like, she was just, she had the coolest life in the world. She owned a bong shop.

There's a true story. And I've done a high times article about it. But she owned the store in Oklahoma City called Lady Anne's oddities. And now the sign has been preserved. Like, you could Google it right now, Lady An's Oddities and see the store, see the sign. And you could read all the legal documents, all this stuff. But essentially, she was like, I'm going to sell bongs. And my grandpa Ed was like, you're going to get us arrested.

And like, what are you doing, Lady Ann? And so he put, you know his label maker labels where like, like, you would be like, like, you would have to like type in all the letters. He put this label on every single one of them that said the tobacco water bong. and so they sold them as a tobacco water device and then he taped a little baggy of tobacco to every single one of them and she was like ed you're crazy like nobody's going to buy that and he's like it's we have to do this he was a he was a war vet you know and uh military guy so finally the federal government raided their place uh she wound up going to court you know like all the way up to like like up the chain of course i can't imagine the amount of i told you so's in that household oh my god yeah had to be like lady ann i'm telling you like you know like it she was just a blast and um so finally

and this is a true story um so my dad was like one day we're at the store it's like mostly cleaned out because at that point we'd been selling mostly bongs and then it was like with the rest of the oddities and he you know my dad is like he's always been sort of a square guy like imagine my dad is like Ned Flanders, if his mom was really cool, so he has a little bit of swagger, you know? Okay. And so, like, my dad's sitting there and the Rolling Stones come in because they hear that this court case is happening and they want to support. And so they come in and they invite my family on stage with them in Oklahoma City.

They're like performing at the Sooner Stadium and they invite the family on stage and they're like, hey, if you guys can pass the hat around, they're battle, they're literally battling for marijuana rights and look look with them they're not freaks they're not hippies this is a family and my dad has like a button down with like khakis that are tucked in and like and like like a haircut like this but back when it just meant like this is the haircut everybody has yeah and so they won the court case because of the rolling stones and um the high times wrote an article about it you can google all of it it's not bullshit but so that's where that's where i think i got my like comedic timing and all that stuff because my grandma used to do this.

And then I would hang out with my friends and I was the least funny friend. And I went to college and all of a sudden I was the funniest person in the group. And I didn't want to tell everybody. Where'd you go to college? University of Minnesota. So you're a badger. The gophers. Yeah, I'm a golfer.

I didn't get into the badgers. I wanted to be a badger so bad. I wanted to go to UW Wisconsin so bad. But I didn't. It's really hard for people who go to Wisconsin apparently. It's impossible to get in. It's so hard. And the year.

so I was Wisconsin wasn't that hard to get into until 94 when they won the Rose Bowl and that was the year that I applied and then everybody wanted to go there and I was like just one more if they could have just waited to win the Rose Bowl I could have gone there and but I probably wouldn't have the life that I have now if I would have gone there but so you go to Minnesota and you're killing I'm killing it in the dorms like I would come home from like we would me and me and my room roommates are like we lived on this floor of a dorm and like all of us were like the best friends on this floor and my roommate Tim like you know how every guy has a beard now you know like like every guy has a beard back in 1995 when I went to college nobody had a beard if you had a beard everybody was like what's up with you freak and so my roommate Tim had this like full Hemingway beard and he had already written three novels like he was like a genius author like you know like child prodigy and he was like dude i really think you should start writing because he's like you you tell funny stories and he's like i think you're really funny he's like i think you should do stand-up

and i was like tim i'm never doing that that sounds so scary so we started going to um we'd like go to lunch and then he or dinner in the cafeteria and he would just be like right i thought he was like doodling and it turns out he was like writing down the funny things that i said and at the end of the year he gave me that notebook and he was like this is your stand-up my he's like you're funny And I thumbed through it. And I was like, oh, my God, he's right. Like, this is funny. I need to do this.

So I started refining it. I started another notebook. And for two years, I didn't do stand-up comedy. I was just annoying. Like, every time people would gather, I would be like, do you guys want to hear some of my jokes or like, you know, in this show Marvelous Miss Maisel, how she'd like sit on the back of the couch and be like, so anyway, that's what I was doing at all our college parties. And finally, my roommates were like, they were like, dude, you got to do stand

of comedy. We're so sick of this. So they took me down to acting comedy club. They signed me up for the, they signed me up for the open mic. And, but they took me down there just to watch because it was going to be Nick Swardson's last night living in Minnesota. And they threw him like a going away show. And I love, I love Nick Swartson. He's a good friend of mine now, but I just loved him. And so we went down to watch. And of course, I always have. a backpack with my notebooks in it and then they signed me up and then i was like shit i have an hour to like get together my set and i put it together you know because i'd been miss mazzling and then i crushed and but i was so like like you know when you're when you have like good jokes and good ideas

but you're so nervous on stage that you can't even get it out like i luckily got it all out but i was so nervous that midway through the set i i just i got my biggest laugh i was like i'm nervous can i go now I was like I just want to go I like I did it right and then the guy in the god mic in the back of the room was like and he's a very Minnesota he's like no you still got a minute and a half left keep going and then the crowd is keep going yeah the crowd was like keep going and then I finished you know the set and then I was like wow I'm a stand-up comedian and Nick Swartson came up to me right afterwards he's like dude it's obviously you've been doing this for a while he's like I really want you to come open for me when I come back in April shut the fuck up yeah and i was like i was like nick i've never done this before i was like i shouldn't i was like i shouldn't open for you and he's like whatever man give me your number and uh i gave him my number and um and so i just i just i kept doing stand of comedy and then i remember in april i got home and on my answering machine because back then they were answering machines i get this phone call p it's fucking nick what the fuck i told you you're doing guest us this week and it's

wednesday the week started on tuesday do you want to fucking do this or not And so I like, and he didn't leave his number. So I just had to go down to the comedy club, uh, on third or no, I went down there that night on Wednesday and I was like, uh, hey Nick, can I do comedy? And then that was my first week of comedy where I like got to do it like in a pro setting. That story is so cool because of like the amount of people that believed in you very early on on the come up. Yeah.

And even when you didn't always believe in yourself. Yeah. And now it's 23 and a half years. later and now I have a stand-up special and I think comedy is all about incubation you know like like you you got to like kind of incubate in private which is hard to do in the video era in the internet era but you got to kind of like incubate until you're ready and I've you know I did a comedy central half an hour I've done you know tonight shows I've done letterman I've done you know a bunch of stand-up on TV at the last comic standing but like I don't think that at any point

I was actually kind of ready to be released into the world. Like I wish I would have been like a John Mullaney that was 25 and just fully ready to, you know, be put out there. And good for him. He's amazing. But I wasn't. But like I'm now 43 and I'm ready. And I don't know what that means.

Like I don't know if the world is looking for me. Like a guy with salt and pepper hair. That's one of the reasons why I love the thing that you posted about Des the other day where it was like salt and pepper guys. I forget what it was. Oh, yeah. I said like Zaddy appreciation post Zaddy appreciation

Because people have mixed reactions to me being with the guy with gray hair I love it And both you and Des look amazing for your age And I just wanted to know for the listeners Do you have any advice? Do you have any skincare routines? What can people do to glow at 40 fucking three like you do? Well everybody says not to drink brown liquor And I drink so much McAllen Scotch

So I would recommend McAllen 12 year the browner the liquor the more melanin it triggers in your skin and it makes you younger and that's why I have this this bronze glow right it's literally just McAllen sweating out of my pores so I I really highly recommend McAllen Scotch but no I I don't know like I just I drink a lot of water and I like I also think you should just embrace it like like I stopped I stop Like if I as I lean forward like you can see I have a lot of gray like I have a lot of salt and pepper and I have a lot of salt and pepper in my beard and I have friends that they dye their hair and I've bonded with Des about this before of like I like I remember the day that I stopped I the last time or my first tonight show that I did I had dyed hair and then the I was like no more. I'm not doing this anymore and because you see guys like it's like you don't look younger you have jet black hair like you'd Don't look young. You look like an oil spill duck.

Like it looks so stupid. And like last night... Des arguably looks so much hotter all gray. I mean... Like I'll see shit from when he was like 30 and I was like, not feeling anything. Not feeling it. Des is, I mean, I'm a straight man, but does is so hot. And I really like when I first like, because it's a bold move to stop dying your hair.

And when I first stopped dying my hair, I like looked up to him. Like, like, dude, he is. he is so cool and like and can i be like that and um you know can i be as balls as that but i also think that that's like that's one of the reasons why women see a salt and pepper guy and they're like oh i like him because he's authentic like he's yes he's not lying about the first thing that you see which is their head you're so right it's going full circle about authenticity like if dain cook let himself go gray but i think you like i'm interested to see how you look gray naturally how like when it goes fully i have a couple grades but that just because i do reality tv

um i i i do think though you've had so many like ups and downs in your career and it's been a long fucking road do you have any advice for people who are in entertainment or in like whatever their passion is where things just aren't coming as easily as maybe other people who are younger and popping off and stuff like that yeah i mean god you know there's I've had a lot of down periods in my career and but like the thing that we talked about earlier about how like the currency that or like the drug that makes us the happiest is the new joke right like and I just I've always had this belief that if I keep working on on my jokes and my material and like evolving as a comic that and like trying to speak in the way that I feel you know

like speaking to the crowd in a way that's authentic to the way that I feel about the world. Um, if I'm doing that, I'm fine. And like I could be, I could be making $1,500 a week, you know, um, as like an off week headliner for the rest of my life. And if I, if I did, if I creatively fulfill myself, I'll be fine. But I have also told myself that if I do that, I think there's going to be something that people will connect with and it's going to work out eventually. Um, one of, patience. Yeah, patience. And one of, One of the first weeks that I worked after that Nick Swartzon week was with Lewis Black. And Lewis Black, so there's an owner of the Acme Comedy Club named Louis Lee differently.

He's from Hong Kong. I'm from here. He thinks it's endlessly hilarious that we have the same last name. He's literally taken me to Hong Kong to do comedy. And I now have a big following over in Asia, which, you know, I love that community. Thank you for being so supportive. that's awesome sidebar but louis lee said to lewis black he was like hey there's a young comedian that i think has promise he's like will you take him to dinner and then just give him some advice

and then lewis was like yeah well we're in minnesota we got to go to dinner with my friend liz which i didn't know was liz winstad the creator of the daily show so i'm having dinner with these two people that are like so brilliant and i was like so lewis told me that i should ask you for some advice and him and Liz both said um like just do it because you love it that's like the main advice do it because you love it and then success may or may not come and louis goes at the time he Lewis black goes he goes I'm 52 years old he's like I've been doing comedy for 32 years and he's like I'm now a millionaire because the Comedy Central signed him to like a million dollar deal to do like I think it was like two specials and the daily show and just keep going and but

he's like if you averaged out that million dollars over 32 years He's like, I would be making like $4.19 an hour. And so he's like, I could have just worked in fast food and been better off financially. So he's like, never, never do this. But he's like, he basically said, just know that if you do it for long enough and you keep like trusting your voice that it will work out. And I, you know, I'm not 52, but I'm 43, turning 44 this summer. And, you know, and things are starting to work out. but it, you know, it gives me hope.

Like Sebastian Manuskelko was my age when he did a Showtime special and then that's when things broke for him. So I don't know. You know, and it's also, it's really crazy since the special, you know, like I've, I've sold out every show that I've had since the special. Oh my God. Every single show. Like I did a show in a, in this giant outdoor backyard place in San Diego last night.

There were people hanging onto the fence outside of the venue watching. And I was like, wow, all right. like it just felt very validating of of like okay so this thing this belief that I had that if I if I try to speak in in like how I authentically believe that it will resonate with people and it will work but you know and my whole my whole act is kind of about how much it sucks to go through the world and be kind and like and so I took a chance that that would be relevant and like one of my favorite comedians is anthony juzzlenik and he's kind of the photo negative of me i mean he literally has a special called fire in the maternity ward and

anthony is one of the kindest people i love anthony i love him so much he's so brilliant and he says the worst shit like the worst shit and um you know off stage he i feel like he's somebody who would he's like of just the villain of comedy when he talks he's the villain of comedy on stage and then offstage and loves it and knows it and wants rebels in it like revels in it and so i remember when i jerk is off to it somewhat probably jerks off to it yeah you're absolutely right so i was like how do i create like the photo negative of that you know like of like because that that kind of humor i understand the mechanics of it and then i was like how do i kind of like reverse engineer this and do the photo negative of it on stage and how do i figure that out and every once in

while, like, I'm not trying to be cocky, but like, I'll see somebody who's kind of doing some of my tactics. And I look at them, I'm like, you know what, good for you. I got sent a video recently of a kid that was, he had a Comedy Central set and it was very much derivative. But I'm like, that was literally derivative of me in 2012. And like, I'm, I'm at 2021, Pete Lee. So like, just, I just have to keep creating and have fun and catch up. And, and if you can do that. Yeah. Well, it goes back to, yeah, the creating the news is what brings you joy and happiness on my smaller level of like when I used to tweet tons of jokes eventually the internet steals it like eventually it gets taken off and it's in it's out and you've lost it in the

ocean and people are like do you get so mad when people steal your tweets and I'm like well that joke is now going viral I'm already on to the next joke like that was my joke two weeks ago that I like yeah was into and you can't be doing it for the likes and for the follows you have to be doing it because you actually like to make yourself laugh or like I like to think that my friends think I'm funny yeah and you are so funny like I remember reading your tweets before I even knew you going oh my god she's brilliant and you just you have you have you've had so many tweets that I think have changed like almost like the pop culture lexicon of how people communicate like you you have tweets that like have made people kind of understand some of the nuance of life and then they

quote that and they don't even realize that you're the source of it and that's wild don't make my head big don't make my head big um you're amazing there I do see some things though and I'm like did I did I like I did I say that like before but I I like to disguise it as like stupid millennial humor but then you like you think a little deeper on like what beauty means and like what dating is and shit like that but I feel like most comics have a dark side to them yeah to get a little darker like what is your dark side what is what is the thing that keeps you up at night what is your depression what is your anxiety yeah what is the side that isn't kind to yourself well i have anxiety and i'm i'm on zoloff for it and uh you know for people there are people that have different uh varying um degrees of experience

with mental health and so if i'm saying something that's really simple to you um like to the listener i apologize but to people that are new to it this will be new um So anxiety, sadness, anger, depression, all of those are the same emotion. They're just, they're just the same thing that has different forms. And I had this really great therapist that he basically said that like every, every single person has a kettle of anger within them. And it's boiling. And sometimes it comes out and sometimes it doesn't.

But the more that you can work on yourself and the more you can deal with your past traumas and your PTSD and your, you know, your anger the more uh kind of harmonious you'll walk through the world because that cauldron of rage is lower like the and the steam doesn't come off as much but it takes work it takes work and i've gone through a lot of therapy i've done a lot of work i'm on zoloft which is actually like helping me process stuff and the the root of my stuff um so my you know my parents are divorced you know yawn you know like trauma from that abandonment whatever you know it's it's classic i mean almost everybody has that abandonment now um but the thing that was

really messed up for me was i grew up really poor my mom uh was a red lobster waitress and you know she like literally if people didn't tip we didn't like i couldn't have school clothes you know and it's uh like you've been talking about i just was like gulp like it's it's a heavy thing and i grew up in a rich town and so i grew up with like it was kind of like um like 90210 where there's that Andrea character that like didn't fit in at the school because like her parents were middle class wearing jankos yeah and I was I grew up in like a rich GM auto worker town where it was kind of like rich rednecks where like it wasn't like they lived in palaces it was like they had four snowmobiles because their dad was a union guy that drove a forklift so Wisconsin

so Wisconsin and so like I grew up in like a Wisconsin redneck rich sort of town and I was the poor kid and um uh you know like i remember our garage door broke and we couldn't fix it so like it was like halfway up it was like it was like that and um and so the kids at school would just they'd be like whatever garage door and like i remember that like just like oh just saying that the word garage door you know um like it hurts so bad and but like in hindsight and i've gone through a lot of therapy um the funny thing about it was i was like oh these are rich kids and no kids are rich no kids have any fucking money like their parents had money and take their wallet and be like what are you going to do yeah what are you going to do what are you going to do what are you going to do take your dad's 20

what are you going to do and it just it didn't matter like none of it mattered and at the time I thought that it mattered so much and my dad was a successful interior designer and he wound up moving to California and he kind of like lived a different life for a little while and then he came back into my life and my dad and I our best friends were very close but it was a difficult time in my life. And then I got really good at skateboarding. So I was a pro-am skateboarder. Wait, what? I had no idea. Yeah, I was sponsored by Alva Skateboards, which became new school. And then I was so poor that I didn't even, I didn't even really have clothes to like, like, I had to do laundry like every day. And a lot of times like our washer would be broke. So I like like had to like hand do laundry in the sink, you know.

And and so I always wore the same clothes to school. And I. get made fun of about a bunch and uh and then i'd wear the same clothes as skate park and finally this lady sandy depurna who owned rotation station she was like dude i don't get why you wear the same clothes every day she's like are you like you know uh like there wasn't even a word for autistic back then but i think she thought that i just i had like a mental thing where i had to wear this outfit and i was like yeah you were like steve jobs as you're like this is my uniform for skating every this is it and i was like no sandy i was like i can't afford outfits so she reached out to Vision Streetwear and then they sponsored me

and I had the dopest clothes. Oh my God. It must have been like Christmas Day when they give you all the shirts and the jeans. Do you know those wardrobe boxes that like when you're moving like they're tall? And I remember Vision sent me and my family all clothes.

So my that's fucking amazing. My mom will still wear those hoodies that zip up where like half of it's like Vision streetwear and like you zip it up and it's all together. My mom will still wear that around. and um but yeah so i finally got closed and um and i was good at skateboarding and then all of a sudden i went from being like the least cool kid to being the coolest kid in town because i was sponsored and uh and so i was hanging out with all the cool kids well one day we're at the local skate

park and uh and one of my friends he's like and when i say this like he's a really great man now but um we were little kids like we were literally little kids i fell and i cut my knee and then he he sprayed right guard in it and he was like the most popular kid in school in our town and um his dad was literally like the head of our city council so his dad is like the mayor and i was a kid that like i fought a lot growing up with my brothers and like you know we fought this family in my neighborhood all the time so i was really good at fighting and so he sprayed you fought a whole family all the time you were like mafia boss again it's time it was it was the i i'm just going to say their family's last name was the lees versus the blazers and um there were like eight blazer kids and the three of us lees

we would kick the crap out of them and like i and i was like the little i was the youngest one and so i just fought constantly the midwest west side store yeah literally like we would sneak through this fence and like sometimes get like like caught up from the wood of the fence and then go fight so you are a full bad boy like you you were a skateboarder who would beat the shit out of little kids even though you were a little kid but yeah i would and um so like i have that side and then i remember so this kid he sprayed right guard in my cut the most popular kid in school and then i just i just knocked him out i just like it was it was not even a it was not even like a second it was just like boom knocked him out and then everyone in our school was there and i remember it was uh

it was this girl like the most popular girl's birthday party and they like everybody went to her birthday party and then they hated me and so i was like out of the cool kids and then that was from seventh grade on like no one would talk to me i was like persona and um it was crazy in my 20s i came home from college and the kid that i punched he's like dude he's like i terrorized you all throughout high school and he's like i feel so bad about it that he's like i've gone to therapy he's like i've talked to my wife about it he or like he or i guess he was getting married like he got married pretty young um but he's like i've talked to everyone that i can about it and he's like i need to talk to you he's like i just need to apologize he's like i'm so sorry and it's crazy because

he and i both fly american airlines and i run into him all the time in chicago o'hare and we'll go grab a drink and we'll grab a beer and he's like i'm still so sorry he's like i'm so sorry that i he's like i made your life a living hell and i was like yeah you did but i probably wouldn't be a comic without that and like i've worked like that all of that stuff is stuff that i've worked through in therapy and like I've really like burned off that kettle of rage or whatever and maybe that got me to where I'm at but now that I'm here I get to like live a more harmonious life and I also I became a black belt in Taekwondo I like because those guys picked on me all the time I started like I remember I went to this there was I remember

there was a karate studio and I just went up there and I like I said I was very good at fighting and then Master Fox who then became my my Taekwondo master he was like oh we have newcomer. He's like, do you want to, you want to step in? And I remember I beat up this black belt and, um, like, because he's like, do you want to spar? And I was like, yeah, I'll spar. And then I just kicked the shit out of this black belt that in hindsight, like this guy, he shouldn't have been ever, um, he shouldn't have ever been promoted to a black belt. Like he sucked. And, but I just, I humiliated him. And then master Fox was like, let's train. Like, you should come back. So and I was like, I don't have the money to come here. I don't, I can't come here. And he's like,

he's like we'll give you a discount so i trained for years and i became a black belt and i kickboxed and um i have like a crazy aptitude for fighting so that's like that's like my that's like my secret dark side is that i had all you could beat up dain cook easily is what you're saying oh i could i could just like i could literally paralyze him like like i i have there's wait this is better than i ever expected i thought i was going to reveal like maybe one you like on a fight with your brother you're like I'm a badass motherfucker yeah but I'm also a martial artist at my core and the yeah I mean there are tenants to taekwondo there it's courtesy integrity respect and indomitable spirit are the four things and I think that you know other than saying

that I could paralyze dain cook just now which you know number one I could number two I would never want to because I do admire him and I would just never do that to somebody there's a saying that when you fight you either you either go to two places you go to the hospital or you go to jail and you don't want to go to either so don't fight and like any any martial artist does not want to fight like you um like anybody that you see at a bar that is like like oh man like like we're fighting a night like that guy does not know how to fight like he's not good at fighting and that guy could be dismantled very easily because he's trying to prove himself because he he hasn't had enough reps and he's trying to get him at the bar and so if you ever see that guy and he wants to fight

you just like literally look at him like like i know you don't know how to fight and and because that's also a guy that you can talk out of a fight very easily back when i lived in new york city um my now ex would um she like to start crap with people and she like to start crap with other other dudes girlfriends and then the dude would like puff up his chest to me and i would literally I would like I would start off I would literally touch him like I would I would like gently just like touch his arm and I'd be like hey um like you you don't want to fight me I'd be like you you don't want to fight me like like you but here's the thing like right now look at me like you're gonna fucking kill me because you're you're trying to get respect from this crazy girl and you want to have sex with her tonight you want her to be like oh you've talked that guy down I was like look at me like that like just like don't stop doing that um but we're not going to fight each other. And I'd be like, I'd be like, I'm literally like, I, like, I was the Midwest black belt champion for three years running. Like, I will fucking eviscerate you.

So, here's what we're going to do. I was like, do you like beers? Do you like shots? Like, do you want to do shots? And, and keep looking mad. Keep looking mad because I'm, I'm going to take you to the bar and then I'm going to buy you a shot. And we're going to buy your girl a shot. you're the drunk guy whisperer yeah and like I'm like because neither of us want to fight man I'm like I'm like you want to go home and have sex with that crazy girl and and I want to go home and have sex with the other crazy girl that was instigating all of this and and neither of us want to fight right now and it 100% worked a beer in a shot and just a little talk where the guy got to look masculine and he didn't look like a pussy like it worked 100% of time and I don't want to fight like I don't I don't want to fight and I care

It's funny because my brother was he did jiu-jitsu for a bit, and his whole thing was how it's all, like, defense. All defense. Like, it's a lot of. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you're not starting shit. You're trying to, like, diffuse everything. Yeah. And it's actually not an aggressive act. Yeah. I mean, even think about the submission of jiu-jitsu, you're trying to get the other person just to submit. You're not trying to kill them. You know, you don't ever want to hurt somebody. And like, you know, I would say if I had a motto in life, it's that I just, I want to, I heard this on Chappelle's Midnight Miracle. Yassine Bay said, it said that civilization is defined if you can achieve all of your goals in life without hurting anyone along the way. And that's what I would like to do.

I just want to have fun without hurting anyone. That's what I want. Would you guys consider anything less than. in a championship to be a failure from this year? I wouldn't say anything as a failure, especially because we all grow every day. Obviously, the goal is a championship. There's no doubt in that,

and that's the goal. We want to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast, in case you missed it with Christina Williams. The WMBA playoffs are here, and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments

you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the championship. champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have. For all the biggest stories in women's basketball plus exclusive interviews with the game's brightest stars. So to be here, I think it's one that we definitely don't take for granted. But we also know, you know, that's just one stop along the way. And we're hoping to, you know, make it run.

So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and IHeart women sports production in partnership with deep blue sports and entertainment on IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Would you guys consider anything less than a championship to be a failure from this year? I wouldn't say anything is a failure, especially because we all grow every day. Obviously, the goal is a championship. There's no doubt in that, and that's the goal. We want to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast, in case you missed it with Christina Williams.

The WMBA playoffs are here, and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have. For all the biggest stories in women's basketball plus exclusive interviews with the game's brightest stars. So to be here, I think it's one that we definitely don't take for granted. But we also know, you know, that's just one stop along the way and we're hoping to, you know, make it run. So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and IHeart women's sports production in partnership with deep blue sports and entertainment on IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever

you get your podcast and um you know so but yeah if if you and i were in a room and stuff went down like come stand next to me like i'll i'll um i'll be good the there was this um the story one time so you know monroe martin and you know derrick gains um so we're standing outside of the old stand and this was when i became really good friends with them we were already sort of friends and then so there's this like super drunk like construction worker irish guy uh and irish guys are great but this this guy looked like like the kind of guy that fought every single weekend and when he came to work with a black guy his boss was never mad at him you know like that kind of a guy so he walks up to derrick and monroe and he specifically is not very happy that they're

black, which that's like, as a friend, you're like, oh, hell no, that's not that's not going to happen. Like, and a lot of people go on social media and they tweet about that stuff and whatever, but like in the moment, what are you going to do? Right. So I'm just sitting, they had this one little outdoor cafe table and I'm just sitting there. I'm literally drinking a club soda. And I'm just like sipping on my club soda with a lime. And I see this guy come up and start to be pretty racist to my friends and uh and also not just racist but he was threatening them because of who they were um like and uh and so anyway so i and they're also two of the top comedians in the city two of the top comedians in the city also both above they're both yeah they're huge over six foot five and um and i'm

i'm i'm six one i'm not a small guy uh but i just see where this is going and those guys are they're both very philly and they're both very confrontational um i'm sure that they can throw down in a fight and so like imagine that like this is the guy and this is them i literally like i grabbed derrick's arm and i like go under him like like like his arm is like a boxing ring rope and then i just get in front of the guy and i touch him and he's like he's like he's like why you touching me and i was like, hey, hey, I was like, these are my friends. And he's like, why you want to be friends with them? I was like, they're really great. I was like, they're really great guys. And I was like, I'll tell you what. I go, I go, you don't care about them. I was like, I was like you. And he's like,

he's like, no, he's like, I'm going to kick their ass. I was like, you don't care about them. I was like, you've never met them. They're not important to you. And I was like, I know that you're racist, like, whatever. But I was like, you don't even know them. And I was like, they're my friends. And I was like, but you need to know this. right now you know me and i go i go and i will hurt you i'll hurt you really badly i go so here's the thing and i go there's a lot of bars on the street i go you see that bar because there was a bar caddy corner to the stand on that corner i go do you see that bar i go you see all those guys outside and he's like yeah and i go i go go go over there and fight them i was like because if

you try to fight me i'm literally going to break bones and i'm going to put you in the hospital and he was like okay like he literally was like okay and Derek and you not only answered the problem but you gave him a solution you were like you go over there and you fuck with those drunk asses yeah I was like you you want to fight

you want to fight and like there's some guys over there that look like they would totally fight you and just don't just don't fight my friends and and like I didn't buy the guy a beer because he was racist and screw him but I just was like just go somewhere else like just and he like staggered over to that other bar and then we kind of heard

a commotion and i remember derrick and monroe they were like what the fuck was that and i was like i used to be i used to fight a lot and um and like i'm trained and i don't know if i could i really don't know if i could dismantle him right now because at the time i remember i think i was like 41 and i was like i was like dude i used to fight when i was a teenager and in my 20s and i was like i'm 41 like he probably could have killed me i don't know But I was like, I haven't trained in a long time. But I was like, but you're my friends. And I just didn't want you to get hurt.

And Derek and Monroe, they were like, we wouldn't have gotten hurt. But also, that was really cool of you. And I was like, yeah, dude, there's no reason to fight that guy out in front of the stand. And you, I feel like when the adrenaline's pumping, you don't know what's going to happen and how people are going to act in those situations, but you're so comfortable in that, like, altercation that you knew how to like downplay at all. And wow, so fascinating. So that's, I mean, I feel, do you know that I was told that standups are either athletes or addicts. You know, actually, Andrew Santino told me that.

I love him. And then I thought about it more because I was a tennis player. Ah. And they say the closest sport to tennis is boxing, but it's also quite similar to karate in the form of like, it's two people alone, you don't really have a coach, and you're like attacking and defending and all that stuff. And that's what stand-up is, is you're alone and you're in this nuanced dance or fight

with the audience where there's a lot of variables. It's not a pure performance like ballet or something. So I just think a lot of it makes sense that you are where you are. Yeah, what you just said is really beautiful. And I never even thought about that. Because in fighting, it's all about where your guard is

and where your holes are. and like can you get into that hole before it's blocked and tennis is the exact same thing except for trying to cover a hole on your body and to block it your weaknesses and hit winners and they can't hit your weaknesses yeah wow it's like very similar wow and just like comedy it's all about misdirection where like there's the jab so you get you get a guy to open up and then you hit them below or like you jab it gets them to go this way and then you want to be in control like because you can't just be defending and reactive the whole time you want to be in control but there is that sense of like when you leave a fight or you leave a tennis match or you leave

stand up like it was all you out there and it could have been bloody and you feel horrible like you're the worst in the world or you feel like you're the greatest that ever live so there is a similar almost high to stand up and fighting and tennis that you wouldn't get as an accountant you know yeah there really is and you're I mean as stand-up comedians we're kind of gladiators and that we go into this we go into the center ring and it's just us and our voices and the crowd could chew you up or you could get ahead of them early um you know especially in New York comics I think that's why New York comics are the best comics in the world uh or at least comics that have kind of experienced New York and gone then gone to L.A um you know uh it because new york crowds you go up and it really is gladiators the whole crowd even if they're tourists like they have spent a day in york and they're like i'm new york now and they will like they're not like a midwestern crowd i'm new york tough like i'm new york tough like i'm staying at the time square marquis and uh you have to be tough to stay in time square they don't realize it yeah oh you really

do because you got to get through all of that stuff and you got to you got to you got to elbow You got to fight Elmo. Yeah. You got to get through the crowd at Bubba Gump and get to your table. But it's. Then get ripped off. Yeah, they get ripped off. And so by the end of the night when you're at the, like at the club, people all have

this like thick skin to them where like if you're bombing, they just look at you like, we feel comfortable if you're uncomfortable. And I'm fine. And then you just die up there. And it's a real thing. one final question about your special yeah so you've done half hour specials you've done a ton of tv how did you choose what material you're gonna that's gonna be in your first hour considering all the material you've had your whole life specifically probably loving the newer shit but it might

not represent you as a whole of what you want the special to be these are my own my own questions that i just want to know as an upcoming comic it's funny i because i've i had a lot of new stuff that i wanted to include in the special. And I wound up kind of doing a half and half. So if you watch the special, there's, oh gosh, like the first half an hour really is sort of like a greatest hits. And then I start to get into material that you might not have heard. And then I finish with, I finish with a bit that I've never done on television before. But the, I actually structured it like I was doing to start off the special. I was doing a 10 minute late night set. And so I, I like made, sure like at the end of the first 10 minutes there's actually like a closing bit that i do and

because i wanted i was like people are only going to give me 10 minutes maybe and so i was like i got to make sure that the first 10 minutes if they just watch this they got to go like oh i'll watch the rest and then i do some of my you know best hits that i have done on phalan mixed with a few new bits you know in between there um and then i start to go uh like in my in my like live show that i do i always like I'm very punchy for like 20 minutes and then I start to go more long form towards the end of it because I feel like the audience has given you that trust. And so I wanted it to feel like one of my like live shows. And, um, you know, I've actually had feedback from people. And it's hard. It's hard to get the energy. It's hard to get the energy to be the same

when someone's watching it versus when you're in the room. That's why people say a lot of specials don't do the person justice. Yeah. And it was it was like just like a late night set where it was a lot of reps like I went out on I like I went on tour and COVID and um you know it was it was scary because I would go get tested several times a week you know for COVID uh you know I was like God I hope this scratch in my throat isn't COVID and now this is all shut down but I did I worked on it a lot in COVID and then we shot it a week before I got vaccinated and so that was also kind of scary because you know it was at the Tempe improv they packed it full of people like what is this going to be and it wound up being one of the best nights of my life it was so great

um wow but yeah so i i i don't know it like it like when i get ready for a late night set i'm really like stitching together every little piece of it and then uh that allows me like every every tonight show that i've done i've ad lib during it and it's so funny because jimmy will come into the green room and he'll be like oh my god i can't believe you have the balls to just like ad live on the tonight show it was like crazy man and And then we- Also, because they could get mad if you, like, go a little too dirty or, like, accidentally say a word that Network Telvin doesn't like. It's a huge risk. And I do it every single time. And because I think that I'm like, you know, all comedians are sort of self-sabotagers, but like I try to do it in a healthy way. And so, but yeah, but the, the special was like doing an hour long late night set. And then when I taped it, it wound up being an hour and 19 minutes. And then we had to edit it down. and I you know I had like hands-on part of the editing process and you know I don't know

it was it was really great and a lot of comics that you talk to they'll go like I hated my special or like like they don't they say this to other comics but they won't say it to the public but they'll be like God I taped it and I hated that crowd and then now I had to edit it and I hated it and now I still hate it and people will come up to me and be like hey man I loved you know jolly time or whatever their special is and they're like oh god I I hate that. And I love this special. Like I feel so proud of the material. I feel so proud of the work. I, it's like a, it's basically like a time capsule of my greatest work. And then now I get to work on the next hour. And I love the way that looked. I love the way that was shot. I love the editing. Like I, I, I'm really proud of it. And I feel like, like, like we talked about earlier, I've finally incubated to the point where I'm like ready to turn in my homework. And I'm ready for people to see this. And, you know, and then I'm ready to, you know, kind of. move on in entertainment and do more things and do another special and like but yeah at 43 almost 44 I'm finally ready it's but it's funny how you weren't like oh the industry was ready for me

you were like I'm ready I'm ready like it wasn't like you've been for whatever reason you were like this feels like the right time for me yeah and you know I still I've um like I don't know if you've done this but your your writing reflects it like you're such a good writer but like did you ever study at the UCB or Second City or Groundlings or anything like that? Because you have very like very game based and playful writing. Thank you. It's very witty. It's witty, brilliant, but like there's a saying at the UCB.

I went to study at the UCB because a long time ago, I probably shouldn't say this, but a long time ago I was Louis C.K.'s opener. I opened for him and prior to all the stuff. And he said, I said to him, I go, dude, I think I figured out what you're doing on stage. I was like, you're literally doing one man sketches. Like, you're doing a mixture between standup comedy based writing and you're doing one man sketches. And like the form of it just seems so new to me. And he goes, yeah, he's like, I was a writer for, you know, for a few sketch shows. And, you know, he told me about his history of sketches. And he's like, if you really want to learn that, he's like,

you should go to UCB and you should take all the levels of all their classes. And so I did that. I like went and I spent thousands of dollars at the UCB. It's so expensive. It was so expensive. I had to go watch so many improv shows that were somewhere good, some were bad. But I learned all of that. And like that's kind of why if you're looking at the structure of my standup, like it probably seems more fun. Because they had a saying at UCB, they were like, don't try to write a brilliant sketch or a bit.

They're like, just find the fun. Find the one funny thing that's fun about that thing and then do it. And then they also had the saying that a big banner that said, don't be bitter, be better. And I try, I've just tried to do that. Like, I don't, I don't think that the industry owes us anything. Like, the fact that you and I have gotten to the point that we have in comedy and in entertainment, like, it's like 0.003% of people get to be lucky enough to do the things that we've done. And like, so I don't, I don't ever feel bitter. I feel grateful and like it's just like do the work don't be better be better and have fun

and play because like if if you're not going to have fun in play and like find the fun you should have worked at a bank instead no it's true once it starts feeling like a job it's like how am I supposed to make other people laugh and have fun when I'm not having fun I remember always telling like my friends when they're nervous before like a set or something like just have fun just have fun because like it's like if you love yourself people tend to love you and if you hate yourself they're just going to feel weird vibes it's like have fucking fun but your special everyone needs to fucking watch it on showtime tall dark and pleasant pete lee let's wrap this up with a final game because we're derogening this we could go three hours easy i love it but i have to i have to navigate it

it's called the seven deadly sins because we got dark we whoops some ass and now we're back yeah seven deadly sins what are you greedy about oh my god what am i greedy about oh cheese curds yeah oh my god it's totally cheese curds um i know i'm greedy about something i'm also the person like like i have a very social house because i had a non-social house growing up so like i have all my neighbors over to my house all the time and i'm just like take anything do you want the tv take it i don't care like i wait so do you feel like dinner parties and stuff i do i throw dinner parties it's mostly like cocktails and then i'll like order postmates and we have like a whole thing at tapas and snacks the whole front of my house

opens up like it's it's all doors that turn into windows that make my whole living room into like an outdoor patio like an indoor outdoor patio and i i live i'm lucky enough to live in a house that overlooks the pacific ocean and i live in front of one of the best surf spots in america and so and i i have comic when next time you're in l.a like one of my favorite things to do is have comics over here to go surfing and like i take comics surfing especially in covid everybody's depressed i'm like let's get out in the ocean like so i know i guess i'm i like god uh what am i greedy about um god not money making sure everyone's happy yeah i like being kind yeah i'm greedy about being kind no there's totally stuff that i'm greedy about uh god um and it could be more

general like attention or laughter i'm trying to like i'm trying to like look around my house and see what i'm greedy about like because I'm sure that there's a reflection in here of what like like I guess it's something that I'd be like don't touch that that's mine right like that would be kind of that yeah or just that like you want it to yourself and you want all of it oh I know what it is so it's not a physical thing but I need my sleep I like need my sleep and I'm very particular about it I have a sleep disorder I have sleep apnea. I have trouble sleeping.

Do you wear a mask? I do. Yeah, I do. That's awesome. Which is. It's so on brand for you. It's so on brand that I wear the CPAP. But that if someone broke in, you'd still whip their ass with the sleep sleep apnea mask on.

I love that. With the CPAP. I will tell a story. So I'm single with a CPAP. And one of my goals is to because I think I need to be Pete for a while and I need to stay single. And so my brother was like, he was like, dude, I know how you're going to stay single. He's like, because you have a Fiat 500 and a CPAP.

And he's like, so a girl might hook up with you, but she's not going to stay for long because like, you're like a one and done. She's like, I slept next to a guy that's like wearing an iron lung. And then I got, uh, then last week I got my Tesla and my brother's like, oh no, he's like, he's like you needed the combo of the. Because that's some Zaddy vibes. You're in L.A. Getting the salt and pepper. Watch out. You're about to be more valuable than you've ever been before.

I think so. And my brother was like, dude, you've got to keep the Fiat. And when you go on on our first date, you need to pick her up in the Fiat. And don't let her know about the Tesla or the beach house yet. You know, he's like, dude, you've got to be. That's so funny. You're so similar to Des because Des like, you know, he lived his life grinding in Ireland. Eventually, you know, his family has a house in West Hampton.

I don't know if it was his time, but he met me. Second date, he showed me his beach house, and I'm like, we're done here. We're done. Deleting all my contacts, we're done. I told him, second day, he took me golfing. And he said afterwards, I was like, can we go back to your place? Like, I want to see your place. And he said that he never found a million years.

I'd ask to go back to his place. But I was like, he said he had a house in the beach. I need to see what we were talking about. So I knew what I was going to get involved in, too. But, so, yeah. you now you have the goods you just got to wait for who you want to bring joy with too you're right yeah and and not the first girl that you know comes up to you after the your comedy store set saying that she thinks you're cute and that's what i'm prone to i'm prone to like wait you like i said like you

you made eye contact with me we're married and uh yeah i it's there was i got to tell you like um one of the cutest things in the world since i've been single i i hooked up with a girl and um this is the it was the best thing that i like so i was like we hooked up and i i knew that i wanted to stay over and so i said uh and it didn't happen here it happened out on the road and uh and i was like hey uh so like i know we hooked up and this is great and i was like i want you to stay over because i'm a snuggler um but i was like you need to know that I sleep with this like iron lung breathing machine and she was like oh yeah she's like um and I thought this is where she was going to be like I don't want I can't stay and she goes can I try

it on and I was like yes you can try it on I was like that is so funny I'm like oh my god and then she tried it on and like air like she was like laughing and when you it's like pressurized air so when she was laughing it was going like puff pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop and we die laughing it was the funniest thing in the world but like if you're a girl and you're out there and like you want to hook up with a zaddy and he is feeling vulnerable about his CPAP try it on because that guy will he that guy that's like the gateway to his heart is just accepting this thing or if she just has a backpack and she's like funny thing so do I and you guys just hold hands together looking like you're going to space together oh my God that's so funny

You're just in the middle of the night bumping hoses. No, but you need normalize that shit. I feel like so many people have sleep apnea or they're afraid to wear a fucking mask and then they're at risk every night. They're at risk every night. And yeah, so I, yeah. So if you're a gal, I did meet a girl at a show the other night that she came up afterwards and she was like, she's like, I have sleep apnea and she's gorgeous. And so like it's just a very. common thing. And I don't know, but yeah. So I guess I'm greedy about my sleep. I'm greedy about my

sleep. Who are you envious of? And it could be a specific person. We can name names or we could do like a type of person. The funniest answer would be Dane Cook. I think there are times that I've been, even though I love her and she's one of my best friends. I think I've been envious of Nikki Glazer because she's so quick-witted. And I'm not. I'm not dumb and like I'm not not not witty, but I'm not as fast as her. And she's so... She's really smart.

So smart. Like she's so quick-witted and like effortlessly she can just come up with like the best thing. And I really have to... She's like the kid who probably didn't study in school but was like getting A's and you like wanted to copy their test. Yeah. And then they also were like funny and you were like, what the fuck? Yeah.

It's like I've been on her radio show. I've been on her podcast and there are times where she'll turn to me and be like, what and I'm just looking at her like how are you doing this right now like like I'm literally in awe of how fast you are and so and yeah you're not supposed to like and envy is a sin right I don't know but like yeah like there's definitely been times where I've envied I'm just exposing I'm exposing that you are a sinful creature I am sinful I'm burning I'm burning in hell I do want to know now that I know that you've worked really hard in your anger when was the last time you experienced a extreme wrath or anger like when was the last time we got pissed off oh god um um i

let me think i just envisioned you like being on stage so sweet and then just straight up like michael rap reporting everyone in the bag oh yeah just like um oh um i'm trying to think of uh you you punch walls after bad sets oh this is the last time i got i got really angry um So I surf with my neighbor, Abbey, who's from Hawaii. And what people talk about, like, surfing and, like, kind of, there's surf fights in Hawaii all the time because, like, everybody thinks about Hawaiians as like, oh, it's a luau, and like, they put laser on your neck. But they are, Hawaiian people are a people that have had to fight for their island since

the dawn of time. Like, they are, they are some of the toughest people on the earth. And Hawaiians are, they are just so tough. And so my neighbor, Abbe, is Hawaiian. She's marrying my neighbor Nico. I love them. They're lifelong friends. And Obby's one of the best surfers that I've ever surfed with.

She's phenomenal. She, like, grew up with, like, Bethany Hamilton and, like, that whole Kauai, like, generation. There's a surfer, Carissa Moore. She's going to win the Olympic gold medal. And Avi grew up with her. And so I've been learning surfing from mainly Abbey. And so Avi, I'm very protective of Abbey as well. And like we're in the water and guys always come up and fuck with her because she's so good.

And there was this guy on what they call hydrofoil. So if it's like this this like three foot long metal foil that's sharp that's meant to cut through the water. And it's not a regular surfboard. And if you're a hydrofoiler, you can go fuck yourself and you shouldn't. be in the lineup with regular surfers because like just up the street from us a guy got his arm cut off by one like they just ran they just collided so it's under the board it's underneath the board and so there was this kid that I don't know he was like college high school I don't even know what he was but he's out there and he's wearing this green helmet and he's like and I like he comes up to

Abbey and he's like what did you cut me off and she's like hey you can't be here on a hydrofoil and and then I like I start to paddle over like what's going on because they're starting to argue and then he starts like talking about how he's going to physically beat her up and I was like oh hell no man I was like I was like that was like this is not happening and and he's like what are you going to do he's like come at me so I just like got off my board and I started swimming at him and I was going to drown him I was like literally going to drown this kid because he was physically threatening my friend and um and and like Like, and I was like, I was like, yeah, I was like, seriously, get out of here. And I also like, like, I just, I don't know if I was going to drown him, but I was going to, I was going to detach him from his board and I was going to let his board just float to the shore and break itself on the rocks. Like I, I was like, I had had it with this kid. And he starts going at me, like, like, just like he keeps taunting me to a fight. And I was like, dude, let's fight. Like, let's go.

like and I know earlier I said like I don't want to fight I wanted to fight this kid because he was putting everyone else in danger and then I'm a comedian and I can't say what I said to him like because it's like pretty off brand it's pretty off brand and it's pretty politically incorrect but I will say that I roasted him in front of like the whole lineup of surfers just gathered around us because they were like if this dude doesn't take care of this work. going to beat the shit out of this dude because this dude was so egregious they had all heard him threaten a woman and then also he's a hydrofoiler who's in the surf lineup so like he's done and um so there are so i just start roasting him in front of everyone and he's like that's not fair man he's like he's like he's like that's really mean and i was like yeah i was like i don't give a fuck about your feelings i was like do you understand that i do not give a fuck about your feelings I was like, you can take your Gen Z feelings and go fuck, they can go fuck themselves because you're putting someone in physical danger and you don't care about that. So fuck your feelings.

And this kid, he starts crying. Like he starts crying. And all the while, like, by the way, during this roast, like he had threatened me physically again. He had threatened Abbey again physically. And like, so every step of the way I was totally like I felt justified. justified and then he started crying and then um we saw him come to the surf spot uh like after this and he's getting his hydrofoil ready and so me and a couple of my neighbors walked down and we started going and we literally like we literally bullied him into leaving the surf spot and that's like

we just mocked his crying and then he left but like he doesn't get to be here like you don't get to be surf spot if you're a hydrofoiler it's dangerous you could literally decapitate somebody and fuck your feelings and that's the that's the thing that i've noticed is that i think that so many of these kids have grown up online and they've also grown up in this like cancel culture where if somebody's mean to them they can cancel them and like and all this kind of stuff and like we're out in the water nobody has phones like nobody cares about your feelings i'm not your mom. I'm not your girlfriend. It's a safety issue. And I made them cry. Well, they grow up with these anonymous things that they can like say anything to anyone and not really have repercussions or have

to like defend themselves in any way after whatever shit they pull. Holy shit. That's hilarious. That was like Blue Crush remix. Yeah. I went full Hawaii with Avi on this dude. And I'm going to Abby's wedding in, uh, in two weeks in Hawaii. She's marrying one of my best friends. And, um, it like, Abie and I have had so many beers bonding over this moment. She's like, she's like, you're such a nice guy. She's like, you really are like a golden retriever where you, you will be so kind. And then if somebody is attacking your person or like somebody that's one of your people, she's like, your teeth will come out and you will like, you'll defend them. Make a little boy cry. Yeah. I mean, this dude was definitely college.

aged, like, but he just had never, I don't think anyone had ever, he was of age to get his ass kicked. He was of age to get his ass kicked. And yeah, and he, like, there's never been a person more deserving of this than this kid. And I unleashed. And so, yeah, that was the last time. But I remember when I started to roast him, I almost felt like I, I like, like grayed out. And I was like, I redlined. And when I started a red line, my mouth just got like, so sharp. I mean, all these years of experience of comedy and roasting and like doing roast battles like this kid had no idea how I was going to hurt his feelings and like it was like obviously had no idea how physically you could have pummeled him but instead you used your words which can hurt more

yeah I think I did psychological damage to this kid and and but it needed to happen because he can't come here anymore like he can't he can't put any more people in danger and if it him at all like if i hope it saved a life that's what i hope yeah for you maybe i'm a bad person i don't know we're taking out of it dancook doesn't seem that bad anymore yeah daincook is great dain cook is fantastic so you've obviously accomplished a lot over your career thus far which is just getting started um when is the last time you were a sloth so like you literally didn't do anything stayed in bed just veged out oh my god uh okay um i you remember all right like so i was out on the road um and uh i had the like the best lost day um this girl came to visit and then we kind of we're out

we're out late party in and like whatever and then you know how normally like if you're single and you hook up with somebody you're like oh they're going to wake up early and then I'm going to get no sleep and whatever. So before we went to bed, she was like, I sleep in. She's like, I need my sleep. And I was like, I need my sleep. This is amazing. And we just like we had what I called like a lost day.

Like we slept like we woke up like hung out like we like hung out kind of hence next again. And then and then we just like I think we had a. snack and then we went to bed for like four more hours and like woke up like mid afternoon like oh okay I guess it's time to like like we should probably like walk somewhere so we feel like we did something today and we just like laid on each other in bed sleeping like seals on a hot rock and um and like slept and then like woke up and laughed and had a really fun time and it was and I mean I did two shows that night so it was like I did something that day, but it was, it just felt like a complete lost day and it felt so great.

And I feel like we do so many things. You need to recharge and like we do so many things as comedians. We're constantly like doing comedy, writing comedy, video editing, podcasting, editing the podcast, marketing the podcast. Hey, my phone alarm just went off. I need to post Instagram because my app said that right now I have to post Instagram. And so to just get lost like that and just like lay around together felt so amazing and yeah yeah i mean comedians have a joke like oh they could be lazy and stuff but it's like even though it might just be a 10 minute spot or two 10 minute spots you're doing like real performative like work and it's tough but then also you can't just like shit on the day just because you have shit to do at night so a lot of time we have like our full

working day and then you don't just turn it off at night and as entrepreneurs you're really never turned off but yeah fucking sleep i'm big sleep big sleep person big sleep well when was your last real sloth day i want to know that oh i um this is my problem when i i rarely have nothing to do but i love having nothing to do but then when i have nothing to do then suddenly i feel creative freedom to be like i'm gonna make 10 ticot videos because i can because i'm not like doing podcast ads are like doing like meetings and shit but um i love doing nothing all day and it always ends with me being depressed but i still love it i love that i and are you depressed and i call the mental health days i'll tell does i'm like i'm having a mental health day and he's like but you

always feel worse after and like stop calling the mental health days is just the weekend that's so funny that you have you have someone who's worked on himself so much and like he's a comic and he's self-aware to the point where like he he can call you out on that to the point where he can he goes yeah it's actually annoying today he he said something like he's going to be on podcast with a guy they were arguing about the where the term ping pong came from and he's like so I have to admit that I'm wrong and I go oh and he goes I know the joke you're about to say just don't say it it's funny it's fine like he didn't even let me do it.

So I'm like, oh, well, that's a first. Maybe we should try that in the household. And he's like, I saw that coming a mile away. And yeah, I didn't need it. You don't have to perform right now. Oh my God. That's so funny. And I'm like, the average guy would laugh.

The average guy would laugh and he wouldn't have the wit to instantly have a comeback. And this is awesome and attractive and frustrating. It really is. Yes, it's a dull. Because then you're sitting there feeling kind of stupid and you want to be attractive but then you're also it's a it's a mind fuck but anyway watch out for comedians watch out for comedians i can't wait to hang out with both you and des together well we need he loves surfing and i've surfed before once and i loved it when when you got well i mean

you're i mean you're a d1 athlete uh like you're you're a extremely sturdy base you're called me quazilla back in the day quadzilla yeah that's amazing oh my god that's good as a 13 year girl didn't know how I felt about it but um okay yeah I've I've I've sturdy base so I think yeah you're gonna be really really good at serving come come to my house I have extra boards um I have yeah I have extra boards I have uh like I have I have a wetsuit that will fit I have a wetsuit that we will fit does just come over and we'll go out on the foamy boards and um hopefully I'm so pumped hopefully the kid with the green helmet won't be there because Des is not only a comic but he's Irish so he's crazy

yeah so together you two would be us together would be we'd be maniacs against that kid I'd have to be like does it's not worth it it's not worth it actually I want you to

I want you to come and beat the kid up because like I don't know I feel like the cops would not do they'd be like I mean he got his ass kicks they wouldn't know that you're on reality TV once

there was like this guy who happened to be quite small who was talking shit to me and I just like I didn't I didn't fight back I was nice but I went downstairs and I told page I was like I will beat his ass and they played it in the final and I was like oh my god but I do anyway I do think that um I could take I could take a fucking kid boy um when was the last time you this is the toughest one when was the last time you let your ego or pride get in the way of something Oh, my God. The last time that my ego or my pride got in the way of something. And it could be a relationship, a work thing. Oh, God. I mean, it's tough because, like, I'm going to give a general answer. But, like, as stand-up comedians, you have to have a certain amount of ego to go, this is going to work out well.

Yes. Like, I'm going to go on stage, and this is going to be great. great and like you have to like go on go up like all pumped up like like this is going to be great and I'm going to get the crowd because the crowd has to see that and go like maybe he's right maybe I go I'll follow him anywhere and then there are those crowds that like you go up there are all excited and pumped up and you know your ego is inflated so that like you can get the crowd to go with you and then they don't and it's like it's a very hard shift um for your ego and and but in that moment as a stand-up comedian you have to like breathe and stay calm even though you hate it like

you hate that you're bombing and you hate that it's happening and you just got to breathe and get and smile through it and get through it and then afterwards um usually one of us or one of our friends or somebody close to us will like acknowledge the bomb and that's when you really have to keep your ego together um because like yeah i i had a friend you could lie to yourself and be like it wasn't that bad and then someone when they say it out loud you're like ah every who saw who was watching yeah you just you don't say that and i had someone in my life who um she would anytime that i bombed she couldn't wait to try to sneak in a thing and she would sneak it in so craft like she'd be like she'd be like were you getting tired towards the end

and i was like and i just was like like i know what you just did i know what you just did know what you just did and you know how upset I am about that said that's fucked up and I because everyone is so sensitive after their sets everyone is I don't touch I'm always like you did amazing because that's what I would want to know you that's what you we say to everybody we like you your friend has you were amazing they were stupid yeah dude they sucked like you could have gone up in front and blown the room off and then your friend goes up in bombs and you're like dude I hated them I've they were fucking I hated them like I had to be like I had to be like like so far on my toes the whole time like I was working way harder than you thought I was and like

you never you're like they love the dumb stuff they love the stupid jokes your stuff was like fucking smart like it was good they weren't catching on they were they sucked they were stupid like or you're like god I did do all my stupid people material because they were so stupid and you're way more brilliant than I am and like you never you never acknowledge the you just like it's just a rule of comedy and I remember this person said to me like because that shit could be you tomorrow like you don't want to be passing that bad karma around this person was like is your ego so fragile that you can't handle criticism and I was like no but it's like it's like a social norm in in our job that you don't do that and like that's what it's like saying the word shank when you're golfing like if someone shanks it being like

you just shank that it's like bitch you're about to shank it like that shit goes around you don't talk about bombing like that yeah you um by the way sorry uh uh uh uh uh uh uh call we're almost done we have two more questions all right i um i at noon which were past that i was supposed to jump on another podcast but we've been having such a fun time and so i just had to text my other tell them to go fuck themselves yeah go go fuck yourself go full family's trash we'll be we'll be done in five um oh yeah and my final thing is sometimes when you have a bad joke that bombs you acknowledge it and that gets a better laugh

than the original joke can get and I think that's a symbol of life that even when things go bad it means something better is on the other side. You're so right. You're so like a joke saver is sometimes more special.

Johnny Carson used to call the, I don't know why he called it this, but he called it laughter ears where like you're actually bombing but you make your ears think you're doing well because you're doing all these joke savers that are doing well.

I think that. That's why it's laughter ears, but... Or you'll have purposely a joke that you know is going to make people tight and then be like, oh, you guys tied up on that one and then you know you're going to get it every time. It's like the easiest way to get a laugh is being like, oh, you guys hate women? Like, just saying stuff like that. When the joke was bad,

it was bad jokes, they were just being a good audience. Or I'll just say general things like about Disney. Like, it's just a setup. And then obviously they're just looking at you and then you're like, what is this a Disney fan club? And then they laugh. Like, it's just the cheapest way to get people. just yell at them yeah you tell an edgy joke

and you're like what are you a church group Jesus you know like we're giving away our secrets here guys um okay final question now that you're single once the last time you lusted over someone slash maybe more interesting question do you have a celebrity crush

like are you about to be on people magazine with or on you know the Lakers court side who are you going to be with okay what's what's my celebrity who is my celebrity celebrity crush okay can I go like can I go high level and then can I go like mid level um uh Hannah burner no I'm kidding that was the funniest thing wait was that high level or mid level that was that was high level that was extremely high level

um oh god uh high level um oh god who i know i have a high high level celebrity crush um honestly like like jennifer aniston is like i've always like just loved her and i think jennifer aniston could like she's one of the few people that could walk up to me and be like quit comedy now and i'd be like okay i'll quit like if she was like i will be like i will be with you and I will be your girlfriend if you quit if you quit everything you love I'd be like I'll do that like I would love that um and then oh god um like somebody who's like up and coming um this isn't even she's not like an actress or anything like that but uh she's a surfer that she's a pro surfer she's going to be on that ABC show uh about surfing that I think it premieres Monday

but her name's Tia Blanco and I follow her online and I started following her because I follow Carissa more because she's the world's best surfer and she's phenomenal and then Carissa's like I would see her with her sister and then like I was like I'll follow her sister and her sister's super fun Kayla and then Kayla would have Tia Blanco in her posts and then I was like this chick rips man like she's she was like so she's so beautiful and and then like she just rips and then like surfing why she's phenomenal and then she like paints and does art and like works on herself and is always like doing these like self-help things and then they do beach cleanups and like so she's like a she's like a combination she's charitable she's charitable and artistic and like

does yoga and like you know she's vegan which i'm not but i really admire that and like i eat like half of my meals each week vegan because i'm trying to reduce my footprint uh but yeah I like, that was the most L.A. shit you've ever said. It really is. Yeah. But like, so I'm not, if you're, if you'll end up listening to this Tia Blanco, I'm not your stalker. I just think you're really great. And I feel like I'm cool enough to, uh, to have a crush on you. But I think you're super awesome. And, uh, and you're great. I respect you. I love this manifestation. Also, you guys would get so good at surfing together. And you could do like cute, cute like couple surf tricks. Oh, that'd be insane. Yeah. I mean, she's so good. I mean, she's so good. I mean, I mean, she's one of the world's best surfers and so i could never even uh i could never even come close but maybe like you could take steal some of her talent like space jam and like get like that's what i that's why i date comics um i just steal the talent and leave um who is your celebrity crush who do you can you say it i mean we're in entertainment my celebrity crush growing up was like

channing tatum oh wow all right okay i like to stand move. All right. Well, I mean, he is he's one of the sexiest men alive. Like, I like Channing Tatum. That was like, and when I was really little, I like Justin Timberlake, but now I don't. Yeah, I mean, I respect him and I

really like his music and you know, but yeah, I don't, I guess, like, he did say, he had this, like, bring sexy back, but there's just something about Justin Timberlake that like, I find him cool, but as a man, I don't, I'm not like,

Yeah, you're sexy. Like, we, men, we, we know when other men are sexy and because it's a threat. So let me tell a really quick story. This is the longest podcast ever. I'm sorry. But so when I used to take, there was this guy that he's an actor and he's been in a million things. And he, I think was one of People magazine's sexiest people alive at one point.

His name is Lorenzo Llamas. And he, I used to have this Spanish class. where you had to like, it was like a big lecture at the University of Minnesota. And so you had to write down who was there. Like, and so I would always put Pete Lee and then the next line would be Lorenzo Llamas. And so my teacher, every single day, she would like do roll call because she'd officially added him to the thing. And she'd be like, I am concerned because Lorenzo Llamas has not been here for a few days.

And everybody would be like, because they just knew that I had been signing up Lorenzo Lamas. And like, how the fuck do you not know the, Lorenzo Lamas is not in our class. He's one of the most, like, famous Latin actors slash models slash, you know, brilliant people. So I was at the Irvine Improv two weeks ago. And this guy comes up and he's like, he's like, hey man, I'm a big fan. I just loved your show.

He's like Lorenzo. And he's like Silver Fox now, like salt and pepper. And I was like, Lorenzo Lamas. I was like, dude, oh my God. like I you're like one of those handsome people in the world and like this I don't know what agey is now we could probably Wikipedia but like like I'm a straight man this guy was so sexy like in like so sexy in a way where as a man you're like I want to be you like I want to be you like can you train me to be this sexy like what do you use like an ASOP oil or on your face like what are you doing and um

do you have sleep apnea because that's my battle that's my battle and like But yeah, and then now he and I are friends and we like write each other on Instagram. Shut the fuck up. That is so, did you tell him about the story? I told him about the Spanish class story and he laughed really hard about it. And yeah, he's just, he's like a super cool guy. And he reposted my graphic for my special, which you did. And thank you.

And I appreciate you. And, uh, but yeah, so Lorenzo Lamas. It's funny because Des and I don't always know who we're both friends with because we haven't like gone through everyone we know. So I posted your thing and he's like, oh, you're pretending you know Pete Holmes now. I mean, Pete Lee. Pete Lee. You're pretending you know Pete Lee now.

And I was like, yeah, I know Pete. And he's like, I know Pete. And I was like, I don't know. He did, you know, I did a whole show with him. He asked me to be on it. Like, I do know him. And we like had it back and forth where he was like, I know him better. But yeah, Des is funny too because he'll have moments where you can tell he feels something and he'll be like, do girls think he's hot?

like he's like is he like a hot guy like i can tell he's feeling a weird feeling i'll be like yeah and he's like he's tall or i'd be like oh like you know he has like a swag about him so i like try to explain why girls think someone's hot oh anyway it is good to deconstruct because guys can kind of get pointers and they can they can change a little something like i'm a big believer in growth and uh you can grow you can become sexier sometimes you have a fiat sometimes then you of a Tesla S. I remember being younger, younger. Longer.

And I was, yeah, my lungs were better back then. But I went like high school and high school. And guys would be like obsessed with a girl who in my perspective, she was a monster. Like she'd bully me. Like she wasn't funny. She wasn't interesting. I just didn't get it. And looking back, I'm like, oh, she had boobs and we didn't.

Like that was literally all it. But I couldn't. I like, I think about it. be like what does she have that i don't have yeah literally just hits um okay final actual question yes that i end all my podcasts with what advice would you give to the little devils who were listening on how to cope with your hell when you're going through it when it's dark when things are bad what advice do you have um take a breath like just take a breath when you're feeling angry when you're feeling boiled over take a breath like like take a breath like take a breath

and breathe and think about it and don't react right away. I had a therapist for a while that I had, I was dating, I was dating an actress. And so, you know, and she's one of the most brilliant people on the planet. And, you know, we had some dramatic fights. And so what, what my therapist ended up telling me to do and like my therapist told both of us to do this. as advice like if you start to get into a disagreement where you're feeling really like really passionate you know like you're about to have this latin passion thrown it you know thrown at one another literally go to your stopwatch function on your phone and take a breath and then set it for 10

minutes and then like take a walk and then come back and speak to each other lovingly because in that moment when you're boiled over you're not really speaking to that person the way that you truly feel about them like you love them you love them to the point where you would kind of do anything and bend over backwards for them and in that moment you're you're speaking from a place of anger which usually the anger has nothing to do with that person it has to do with everything in your your past that has built this caldron of rage and that caldron of rage should never be taken out on somebody who you truly love and you say that you love so take a breath and set a timer And, like, chill out and get to the point where your face doesn't feel hot anymore.

Get to the point where you're like, God, I can't believe that I even felt angry with her. I should just, I just, God, I love her. And like, and then just empathize with her position. And also, always ask yourself, is this reasonable? So, like, if you're in a disagreement or you're feeling raged out in traffic, like, like did you cut the person off is like are they honking at you because it's reasonable were you on your phone and you almost killed their whole family in your car is it reasonable that they honked at you in a relationship um did your girlfriend get mad at you because you were totally flirting with a hot

girl at the bar when she was in the bathroom and then she came out and she caught you and she's upset with you uh that's reasonable say you're sorry don't let your ego take take control and drive and then make her feel like she was doing something wrong or lie to her or whatever. That's reasonable. That being said, let's say you did nothing wrong. Let's say you know that you didn't do anything wrong and your person that you're with is flipping out at you and you go, all right, right now this is unreasonable. She's being a child.

She's taking her childhood shit on me. Take a breath and don't say you're sorry because she's being unreasonable and also stand up for yourself and have boundaries and say, hey, don't talk. to me like that. And when you're ready to talk to me like an adult, I'm ready, but that's unreasonable and I won't do that. And like those are kind of the tools, you know, I was in a situation where the person that I was with told me that she felt like it was unmasculine because she had somebody that was coming into our lives that was being really kind of abusive to me. And then I would just take a breath and I would leave the room. And to me, that's masculinity.

It's it's not getting into a pissing match with somebody over something that's unreasonable. It's just taking a breath and going like, well, I don't need to talk to that person. And she was like, it would have been masculine to me if you would have fought back. And I'm like, well, cool. Well, so you're unhealthy and that other person's unhealthy. And I don't think I want either of you in my life. I want to be with somebody who doesn't want like childish pissing matches. So you also, the other advice that I would give.

to you is don't have people in your life if they are constantly encouraging you to do unhealthy things and to not be a version of yourself a version of yourself you don't like yeah don't be don't let somebody turn you into a version of yourself that you don't like and don't be a version of yourself that you don't that you shouldn't be to please someone else and um there's another saying that my friend our friend Dante Niro like he's he's a character he's a men's life coach he's like a former pimp and now he helps men but he always says to me I need him on the podcast oh he's good you got to have Dante on the podcast he's the best but Dante has a saying there are no victims there are only volunteers like like maybe like you know like hurt me once shame on you hurt me twice shame on

me it's kind of like that but um he says it from the beginning he's like when you start dating somebody they tell you who they are like somebody when you first start dating somebody they'll be like oh my god like i'm such an asshole and his thing is like listen to her yeah listen to her don't wait for her to bite you you know like so don't realize that like you're not a victim you're a volunteer so get out of it that's my whole advice to everybody is does over there hi des say hi Hey. Hey. Hey. So Pete, I forgot to say, you are the king of bomber jackets as the king of bomber jackets. Where can people follow you? Where can people listen to you? Where can people watch you? Give me all the goods. Okay. I thank you, the king of bomber jacket. I love that I've been anointed. Which, hold on. One more thing. I'm going to take, I'm going to show people the bomber jacket that I got for my, special and I don't know if this will translate to on camera if this will translate to audio yeah or so like I don't know if you can see this on your end but it's basically buffalo plaid so I custom

made this jacket on on this website and I got I had it shipped from London and like you could basically get any design but I wanted it to be like a special jacket but I also wanted it to be sort of like Midwestern lumberjack so I had buffalo plaid put on a bomber jacket that's amazing anyway if people want to find me they can go i'm on tour you can go to my website peteley dot net and then click on events um and you can see my tour dates i'm on instagram at peteley peteley peteley and then i'm on tic-tok at peteley peteley i'm on twitter at peteley tweets but i barely ever tweet um but uh yeah that's where that's where you can find me and watch my special tall dark and pleasant on showtime hell yes what an epic episode

repeat go run go do some more podcast go make more people laugh thank you so much for coming to hell and we'll talk to you later bye