Berner Phone - Religious Trauma

Episode Date: September 21, 2026

This week, Des reacts to your religious trauma and gives a history lesson on the Irish famine.   NEXT WEEK'S PROMPT: WHAT/WHO IS BUGGING YOU AT WORK?   Call [phone] to leave us a voicemail! International Dialers can leave us a voice memo on WhatsApp: [phone]   FOLLOW DES: Tickets: https://punchup.live/desbishop Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desbishop Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/desbishop X: https://x.com/desbishop YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desbishopcomedy TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desbishop5   FOLLOW NICOLE: https://www.instagram.com/nicoleclyons/   Produced by Nicole Lyons Productions Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nicolelyonsproductions/ Website: www.nicolelyonsproductions.com

Hi, it's Hannah Burner. And Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. It's Bishop Desmond here with the altar girl, Nicole. And let us pray on today's episode discussing your lighthearted religious trauma. I only called you the altar girl because later on there will be an altar girl.

message that came in. But actually, let's go straight to the WhatsApp, which is the funny, unrelated to the unrelated religious one. Sorry, not related to religion one that I want to play.

Because it's, I don't think this is a good prompt, but I do think it's, no, because it's like a prompt suggestion one, but I do think it's funny, particularly because it's inspired by, by you, Nicole. Oh, wow.

Hi, Dez and Nick Caroline. I'm just listening to the Ghost Stories podcast where you're talking at the start about people being misnamed. And I wondered if that was a good prompt, the random names that you've been called or mispronounced. One of my friends who's called Beth received a fax back in the day. That's how old I am.

And she was called Pastor in the text. My husband is called Owen, traditional Welsh name, name O-W-E-N. He's been called Irwin, which I have. absolutely love. I just call him that all the time. He's also been called Orr, O-R-E. And we just find it really fun going around to coffee places and just seeing what kind of spelling they will come up with for his name. So yeah, I just wondered if that might be something you want to pick up in the podcast. Thanks, guys. Bye. I mean, I love it as a topic. So the reason why I love this is because

not the Caroline thing, but since I've moved, since I've been back in the States more full time, I just never realized how much people struggle with my name. In what way? Like, when I am at coffee shops, which is my main outlet for my personal entertainment, whenever I say DES, I think maybe 70% of the time, people are like, what? And then they always spell it with a Z. Yeah. I don't think it's that crazy of a name.

Like maybe because I know you, but I know, but I don't either. But like, I, so I get a lot on my coffee cup. I get Dennis, you know, I get like dev. You know, I've just gotten so many like weird Starbucks names. And you were used to like give a different. I feel like some people are, they've just given up and they're like, my name's too hard. I'm just going to be Sarah. Like they give a different name because they're like, it's, I feel like I know several people that do that.

So then I had a funny, because it happened the other day. in a coffee shop in Miami and she said, what's your name? I said, Des and she was like, well, I was like, Dez, she's like, how do you spell that? I was like, well, it's with an S, but it sounds like a Z. I said, short for Desmond. And she was like, oh.

So when I say Desmond, I actually get less hassle. I feel like I almost need to go back to Desmond. But anyway, so then, but then I start talking to her and I was like, yeah, you know, it's actually, it's an Irish name. It's common in Ireland, but it's not that common here. And she's like, oh, yeah, the Irish names.

I was talking to my husband about Sirsher Ronan, you know, which of course she mispronounced it. But like, I was like, yeah, seriously, you know, it means freedom in the Irish language. So then we start talking about Irish names, you know. And she was like, yeah, and like nobody speaks it anymore. Like what happened? And I was like, well, the English, then I was like, all right, here we go.

History lesson. I was like, you know, the English took it from us. You know, they came and they made, they had a, you know, a centuries long effort to eradicate the language, you know, to anglicize the country. And I said, I said, maybe you watch Outlander, you know, they're the Sassanach. And she was like, oh, yeah, the Sassanuk. So what's really funny to me is that because of Outlander, loads of people around the world know the Irish language word for English. I mean, obviously it's Scots Gaelic, but it's the same language.

It's the same family. sassanach right so just in case some people want to know why there's like these days it's sort of a tongue and cheek friendly thing about the irish like not loving the english it actually comes from a dark place okay you know and it's the sassanach so when you watch outlander you know that that's like it's like the one i don't watch outlander but like that's like an authentic thing the issue around the sassanuch and how they took the language okay so which is not entirely untied to religious trauma, particularly in Ireland, because I could really bore you. We could get to a whole history lesson now about how the famine reshaped Irish society. You know, a lot of people don't understand

the global ramifications of the Irish famine. I mean, you're talking about like the ripple effect. What is it, the butterfly effect? You know, like, you're talking about like one event and like having such a huge, effect on the world. The Irish famine is one of the biggies. But in terms of Ireland itself, you know, it wasn't just the death.

It wasn't just the immigration. It wasn't just the population decline, which never recovered, all those things. But it was also one of the main reasons why the Catholic Church had so much power in a newly independent Ireland, you know, which is because when society restructured itself after the famine, the church became the most powerful force for Catholic people because they couldn't trust the government. But unfortunately, that power that the Catholic Church had would later on turn into what I would consider to be a negative force for the development of the modern Irish state. But again, it's not a history podcast.

Even though a dialer has been messaging me different history podcasts and talking about how there's really a market for like a history podcast not done by a historian, like a lighthearted history podcast, you may have already noticed that I don't think my podcast would be that light. I think my podcast would immediately get dark

like we have done today. There's a lighthearted mystery WhatsApp about names and it turned into the sassanach and the famine, mass death,

mass emigration. So did you do all of that with a huge line behind you in Starbucks? No, I just very, I'm only in Starbucks when I'm like on the road. Oh, my apologies.

Starbucks is my like get off the highway on a long drive stop. And I appreciate it for that. But in a major city, I don't do Starbucks. Yeah, I guess because of the name thing, I sort of assumed it was a Starbucks. I don't know like a lot of other places that do that. A lot of them do, though. A lot of them actually do. Yeah.

But then, oh, by the way, the other big thing, even like, People that know me. Like, I had a meeting recently with an agent. Like, I basically, I was, I was, like, I was upscaling on my talent agent. And I'm on the call. And he's, like, so excited about our new journey. But the whole time he was calling me DES. Interesting.

A lot of Americans call me DES, you know? Dess. Yeah. Weird. So, I know. Anyway, I don't have a prompt for next week. If you do, funny names would definitely be one that I would appreciate. Also, if you want to have some fun, how has the Irish famine affected your life?

No, because like, okay, do you have told someone you love about the Irish famine today? So can I maybe make a prompt suggestion off the back of this name thing? Okay, go ahead. and tell me if it's bad. Instantly, for some reason, this made me think of, I had like a work, someone that I worked with, we never met in person. It was like really just over email.

And they kept calling me Natalie over email. And it was driving me crazy because I was like, you can see my name. Like you're typing to my email with my name in it. And for whatever reason, they just kept calling me Natalie. And eventually I had to be like, hey you keep calling me Natalie

like my name's Nicole and initially I was going to let it slide so I'm like I don't want to come off as a psychopath but it was annoying me enough that I was like how do you make that mistake repeatedly so I don't know if there's like it doesn't have to be next week maybe in the future there is an avenue for people to complain about things in the workplace that are bothering them but specific to like workplace or coworkers

like who's pissing you off right now like what's bothering you because I feel like I would hope a lot of people would respond. What's bothering you at work right now? What's bothering you at work right now, guys? Feel free. We can disguise your voice. Yes, for sure.

What's bothering you in the workplace? That's a good one. Just to conclude, you know what I'm talking about, the Irish famine? What I'm saying is... Back to the Irish famine. No, no, but what I'm saying is like internationally, like, if you look at like the population of... Australia, even American politics, like the influence of the Irish lobby over the last

century and a half, John F. Kennedy, all these different things, all of them are direct result of the Irish famine, the global popularity of St. Patrick's Day, you know, light and dark, you know, the spread of the Catholic Church, whether that's a positive or a negative, like a lot of the organization of parishes around the United States, organized by the Irish diaspora. So since we're on the topic, let's get into it. What is your religious trauma? Hi, Des and Nicole. I just pulled over on the side of the road because I heard your prompt about religious trauma and I had to share.

I grew up going to a Christian school, a private school that was affiliated with a church that my mom and my brother and I also went to. I was just thinking the other day, because it was just 9-11 last weekend, that on 9-11, I was in fourth grade, and the pastor of the church, who was the husband of our principal, came into our school. We had already been told what happened. They were showing older kids on TV. We did not go home. And he basically told us, now it was the end times and that we were all going to die. that was one of the many things that he did. I also remember being 12 years old and him bringing me into the office at the church

because I had gone to a youth group at a different church. And he told me that I was leading my friends astray and that I was a heathen just like my dad and that I was going to hell. I could pretty much tell you enough stories to fill the whole entire episode. but those were two that really stood out for me. Love listening to you guys. Keep it up. Giggler, too. Bye.

Okay, so obviously, when I said lighthearted. No, you know why I did it? Because honestly, like, I'm sure you found this too. Like, I found the 25th anniversary of 9-11, like, very sad. You know, like, I'm sure did you get in that? the algorithm? Like I was in the algorithm. I can't. Don't even get me started, bro. My algorithm was, I was hours and hours of voicemails, 911 calls, new angles released. It was like, I couldn't get away from it. It's awful. But I couldn't stop looking. I know, I couldn't stop looking. I indulgent

it though because I was happy to feel the feelings of it and almost happy is probably the wrong word. I was, no, but like, I was, I was glad to be able to sort of like, uh, not reinforce the feeling, but to just like 25 years later, like sit with it. Sit with it and just acknowledge the sadness of it, you know? Because obviously at the time, you know, there was the chaos of it and it was very disconcerting, right? Like the feeling. So just to bring it back to this. message. Obviously this person is insane.

Okay. This pastor person is insane. Like when's the Netflix documentary coming out about this fucking youth group? That's what I want to know. I'm also like, what did the dialer's dad do? Like, why did the dad catch a strang get called a heathen as well?

Yeah, because why he fucking, he sent some people over to the rival church. Like, what the fuck? Is this the bloods and the crypts? Is this the fucking, some like drug cartel shit like what you're not allowed to fucking talk to another christian youth group god forbid you know so funny but anyway but the thing was that like obviously he had this insane reaction talking about it's the end of times and like it there was so much about it that

was like not just sadness is chaos and free year and like now 25 years later all all i felt just watching it and it's not the first time by the way i've gone down the rabbit hall many times. You really just feel the sadness of the loss, particularly because I wasn't aware of how much, you know, moving testimonies there was of people that like, you know, lost somebody or, you know, I think the two things that are most upsetting are the voicemails and the jumping, right? Those are the two things that, that, and, you know, it's horrific. Obviously, I, I, I also, I brought it out to just like how much how many lives are struck by tragedy you know and but particularly in this case the tragedy of extremism and government action and like so just the whole thing i was like

i was okay with letting it wash over me with the reality of the suffering that comes from all this stuff so anyway uh but the fact that this dialer's guy was like this is the end times it's It's funny how religious people are obsessed with the end times, you know? But did they ever say in the end times that like a plane was going to crash into a building? Like I thought it was like other... People always find that though, you know? Yeah. It's...

Nostradamus has predicted so many things like if you, if you like, you know, frame it in a certain way. But the second one is... The second one is almost darker. Because like, this is fucking West Side. story. It's also like you're still going to youth group. Like it's so crazy to like, yeah, you're a heathen and you're leading people astray. They're acting like you're, you know, out having sex or whatever else is like, you know, typically is bad stuff for them. But you know, it's crazy. We've talked about this recently. Like, like people still believe in in the devil and shit.

And people, people out there are still talking about like evil. Now, I think there's some evil shit out there. But there's people chucking around the word evil in a way that's like dark. Because it's like, no, they're not evil. They just don't agree with you. You know? Like, it's fucked up. So anyway, uh, this is actually real trauma. I think if there's no Netflix documentary coming out, I think you need to pitch it. Because there's no fucking way that this guy doesn't like, you got to, you were like, oh, I could, I could do this all day. Yes. Like, I'm like, yeah, okay, so you need to call somebody and be like, like, we need to talk about this guy. Hey, DM me. If we can, by the way, I'm not saying I'm going to pitch a documentary. I just want to find out if there was

ever a day where the shit hit the fan for this guy. Because I, you know, because how to watch the pastor's wife. Was that? Did you watch that? Yeah, yeah. I didn't watch it, but she was telling me about it. Like, it's giving pastor's wife. It's, it's giving pastor's wife guy this, this message. No? Oh my God. Yeah. That guy was fucking crazy. But in like a whole different way. Like you got to watch that. It's nuts. Yeah, it kind of loves the docks.

I'm not as into the docks, you know? Yeah, but it has to do with religious trauma. And there's also affairs, deception, possible murder. The people that are most obsessed with shaming you around an activity are usually the people most involved in that. Well, I was, so I was watching this with Chris, who was not really. raised religious in the same way that I was.

And it was making me crack up because they keep inserting clips of this guy giving sermons about like it's like, you know, about lust and about sex and about stepping outside of your marriage and like a wife serving the husband and your job is basically to like, you must, you can't decline sex from your husband. Like they just kept inserting clips of how many times he was talking about it. Oh, yeah, that's what the hell is this guy? He's like, what is he talking about? So it was pretty hilarious in that way, but it is very dark.

It's nuts. But also, Chris was like, the audience here is like, the audience. Like, everyone attending these sermons is like a 50 plus year old woman. So like, what is this? But yeah, you got to check it out. It's cold shit, bro. It did give cult shit. But it's all cold shit.

Why can't people? You know, so let's lighten it up for a second. I was watching Dance with the Stars last night because Sierra was on. And I care about, like I get a kick out of Moria Higgins because it's like a patriotic thing. And I've been following her since, fun fact, I've been following Moray Higgins since she was dating my friend Curtis on Love Island in 2019, who coincident enough. was a dancing with the stars pro in Ireland. I did dance with the stars in 2017. And she was dating Curtis.

And by the way, she also dated a strictly pro, Giovanni. So she's actually dated two pros, you know. So anyway, no, because she was a surprisingly good last night. I don't have people watched it. But she was like, zero dancing experience. I don't think I'm going to be able to do it. And then she comes out and just like, oh, it turns out I'm like perfect at the tango. Like she was, did you watch it?

No, but I'm just like familiar with her vibe and she really kills me. No. Oh my gosh. Like she ripped, she popped out like a perfect tango. She had like perfect lines. And it was just like, she's a professional ballroom dancer. It's like, Sarah, I've never danced before in my life. But here's a perfect tango.

Can't believe I did that. But anyway. So, but I was watching Sierra. Sierra did it. Well, Fox Strut hard for his dance. She was nervous. You could tell. And she, she's openly talking.

talked about that she was nervous because when I remember my first dance, which was coincident enough as a tango, I was fucking nervous, man. And I could feel the nerves of Sierra. She got through it. Thank God. Foxx-shot's a very hard start. So I hope Sierra starts enjoying it. It was actually the most fun I've ever had in my career. Like I, dancing with the stars was one of the most positive experiences of my life. So we're team Sierra with the supplementary second team, Mara, who I think now after today, after yesterday, is going to do well. And also, we're team Guillermo, because the fat, funny guy is always going to go far, you know? So we're team Guillermo.

You should watch it, you know? Never really been a big DWTS watcher, but we're going to watch it to support Sierra. Anyway, the reason why I thought about that was, there's like a weird Mormon thing with Dance with the Stars. The thing is fucking literate Mormons. What do you mean? Just look it up. Littered with them. Like look it up.

Competitive dancing is like big in the Mormon community. Who knew? Why? Because it's like the most sexy thing they can do. That's like the closest they could like get up on somebody. It's just like let's let's just let's, can you Google it? Like Mormons. Why is dancing with the stars?

No, no, Google Mormons competitive dancing and dancing with the stars and see what comes up. Right? There's no conspiracy here. I'm just saying like, it turns out that like culturally, Mormons are big into dance. See what comes up. See what? On the Dancing with the Stars subreddit,

does anyone know the connection between dancing with the stars and Mormonism? I need something better than a Reddit post, though. Otherwise, I'm going to retract my statement. No, it's just funny that like, like there's, like there's so much about this.

I was thinking there must be. a producer who's part of the church in selecting Mormon dancers because there's no way it can be a coincidence that there have been Whitney, Lindsay, Riley, Jenna, and even Brandon. Why are so many Utah dancers being selected? Is Utah known for their dancing academies? Yeah, it turns out yes, right? So go further. Someone said, it's really not that weird.

Center stage in Utah has always been one of the top ballroom studios in the country, and Utah just happens to be a Mormon hot spot as well. They've been pulling from there from the beginning with pros like Ashley, Mark, Chelsea, et cetera. So I guess a lot of famous ballroom dancers are Mormon because it's really big there. Yeah, it's coming out of there. Yeah.

So I'm not saying there's any religious connection. I just think it's quite, it's just like, because obviously there's dancing with the stars all over the world. It's not like the church of Jesus Christ, the Latternay Saints fucking was like, hey, I know how to win. I know how to win over hearts and minds. let's pitch a show in in England called Strictly Come Dancing and then

syndicated around the world and we will slowly spread Mormonism it's just distinctly the power of dance yeah because you know it's strictly right the BBC are so protective over it that only the British only strictly come dancing which is I think is now just called strictly right is only strictly is allowed to be called strictly the rest of them are dancing with the stars they protect they protect the original one. Yeah. But they're all BBC,

you know, it's all BBC studios sold and they have to follow. Like, there's, like, rules you have to follow in terms of how the show works and everything.

So, uh, um, anyway, uh, if you're a Mormon dancer, let us know. Yes.

But no, that's great. Because like, obviously like, you know, the, the, the best golfers tend to live in Florida.

You know, it just turns out that, Utah. But it does make, listen, if I'm a Mormon and I'm like, I, I, I'm aware of my body, you know, or I'm gay, right? And I'm in a world where that's not okay, right? To, to like express it. I'm going to go, let's go to that place that's totally accepted by the church where we can fucking grind on each other and be fabulous and wear sequins. And our church is not going to and be like, what are you doing? It's sport.

Yeah. So anyway, just fun fact. A lot of Mormons on dance with this time. That is a fun fact. A lot of, like, like girls in my school growing up and a couple guys did Irish dancing. Oh, yeah, that was big. The Irish Americans are bigger into Irish dancing than the Irish. Yeah, I figured.

Yeah, because that's one of those things where the diaspora. like the immigrant communities sometimes keep certain cultural things alive in a way that doesn't exist in the modern country because the Irish American particularly is desperate for that connection to home because America, you know, it doesn't have like a distinct cultural identity, right? So in Irish America, we were very into staying connected to certain things, Gaelic football, Irish dancing. For some people nowadays, the Irish. language for us also like the IRA, growing up in Queens in the 80s.

So, yeah, so Irish dancing is a big thing. Actually, yesterday I was talking to a woman from Nicaragua or two days ago, and she brought up river dance to me. I mean, Irish dancing has been a very strong cultural export from Ireland. The popularity of it, some people might say, goes back to the famine. Of course. I guarantee you that's all I've just said that as a joke

but I guarantee you it'll be backed up by fact It all goes back to the famine really It really does man You know you I would say top 10 historical events That affected the world greater than just that At the moment at the time Longevity of effect

Of a culture of a historical event I'm going to put in the top 20 Whoa Right World War II, I would say World War II probably be number one, although some historians would be like, well, World War I has more effect because World War II was because of World War I. Either way. Actually, sometimes, you know, maybe World War I doesn't get enough credit for how much it fucked up the world, all right? Because a lot of the problems of the world today go back to the way the chips fell after World War I.

But guys, I'm aware that we have a lot of women listening, and I'm aware that this is not very giggly squad code at this conversation. is a history podcast. This is a history podcast, guys. I want to get a history. You know what I want to get, okay, let me, let me geek out a little bit. If I was thinking about doing a bonus app, I want to get a historian that specializes in the sort of Teddy Roosevelt era, the trust busting, the time where they decided that monopolies were getting too much power and we're going to be a problem for America

moving forward. because that was like essential for America becoming like the successful economic powerhouse that it became until somebody recently fucked it up. So I want to talk to somebody who truly understands that era because I might be wrong, but I feel like that time has come again and nobody has had the guts to take on this very small cabal of. exceptionally wealthy, powerful people. Because in this case, not only is it economic, not only is it financial power, right? And not only is it economic power in the sense of obviously these, you know, the rail, the rail companies and the oil companies and the steel companies, obviously they had some, I guess, you know, extortionate power over the United States.

at that time. But there's no way that they controlled information in the same way. So these guys have the trifecta, you know, like the importance of what they provide for economic development, the power that they have by literally just wealth, how much they can use their wealth to influence outcomes, right? But then they have the third thing, which is they also control the dissemination of information, which, you know, not to mention that they're particularly in terms of AI, they're the people that are going to be in control of like almost how everything works. It's fucking frightening. And you have a government that's so anti-regulation, you know.

So I want to talk to somebody who understands the atmosphere at the time around the time of Teddy Roosevelt just to put some historical context on it. Because particularly for the people who don't want to be critical of the powers that be right now, just to put it into sort of an American greatness context, people talk about making America great again, right? Even though they really have no idea what time they're talking about, you know, I think Teddy Roosevelt, uncontroversial to those people, maybe you could just tickle their American historical funny bones. We could tickle them a little bit by showing them how part of what makes America great is something that needs to happen again, lest we lose

America's greatness and just become a corporate state. So anyway, let's get back to the religious trauma. Let's lighten things up with some religious trauma. Here's a question. Takesh-Aggam, as we say in the Gaelic language. Are you getting rewarded for paying your rent or mortgage right now? If the answer is no, you need to check out Built. Becoming a built member means earning points on every housing payment no matter where you live. Built points can be redeemed for flights, hotels, lift rides, Amazon.com purchases, future house

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So download the built app and join the membership for where you live. at joinbuilt.com slash burn. That's j-o-in-b-l-t.com slash burn. Use our link so they know we sent you. Your housing payment is one of your biggest monthly expenses. So why would you not want to earn points on it? Hey, does. Hey, Nicole.

Lifelong at Catholic School, girl, kindergarten through high school. And number one, Braces God's active loving presence in our lives. I assume everyone still remembers that. And then in high school, senior year, we had a class called the Good News Sex and Marriage. And it had a bunch of fun information in it. Like, keep the lights on during sex.

If I got into the relationship, don't do doggy because it's animalistic. I learned that perforated condoms exist, which are literal condoms with holes in it. If you need a sperm sample, because masturbation is bad. So, yeah, those were just a fun, a few fun highlights. Anyway, thanks. Bye. I mean, it's funny because, like, the church was so anti-condem when I was younger. Like, you would swear the failure rate of condoms was, like,

a hundred percent the way the church talked about condoms. Yeah, I thought I would encounter like guys poking holes and condoms way more frequently than I did. I think that never happened to me. Yeah, that was like one of those great, the great scare tactics of like, it's not worth to risk. You know, these guys are like, it's so the opposite. You know, they want to impregnate you. Yeah, like not a chance. But that's funny.

What was it, doggy style? was animalistic. Is animalistic. Yeah, literally only because we call it doggy style. Yeah, that is pretty disturbing when you really think about it like that. Yeah, the lights on, though, to allow God into the relationship. Ew. I don't want him in there.

Yeah. You know? It's already hard enough to not, like, think about, like, God, grandma's watching. Yeah. Like all those other things, let alone now the lights are on, and I have to think about letting God in on this. Yeah. Well, that's the thing when people always like, she's looking down on you. People always love doing that.

You're so selective. It's like, how come she's only looking down to me? She's so proud. Yeah, she's so proud. Yeah. Like, was she looking down on me when I, when I cramped up doing doggy, when my hamstring cramped? Yeah. It happens to the best of us.

It really does. Okay, so here's a fun thought. human evolution so hard to understand how it went down. But like, what was the first sexual position? The first what? The first sexual position. Because like, like, the church, the church is out there going like, oh, dog is animalistic, right? Well, okay, so what was first?

No, but you can't Google that. Nobody was there. There has to be, there has to be like a scientific thing that would, like, suggest what it was. I'm really confident in that. Also, somebody was there. By definition, someone was there. Yeah. What was the first sex position?

Come on. There's no, how can one frozen in? Somebody was frozen during the Ice Age. What are they saying? Come on. All right. Well, I'm doing a little bit of research here. I want to make sure it's accurate.

This is really important. Yeah, missionary came much later, apparently. Yeah, I would have thought missionary was not the... Okay. Ancient animal origins. Okay. Apparently... Fucking history podcast, man.

Come on. Embrace it. Embrace it. The very first recorded act of internal fertilization and evolutionary history dating back 385 million years to an ancient armored fish was done sideways square dance style. What? Can you picture that?

They had to mate side by side using their small, jointed arm-like fins to hold on resembling a docy-do square dance. Now, doce-do! I guess that would have been possible with the armored fish, but not with a human. Yeah, but like, they have the evolutionary evidence of that. Like they have... Yeah, they fossilized.

They fossilized? It was their last act. She took so long to come that they were still doing it when they fossilized. They were like, why isn't this sideways position working? She was a tough coming. The armored fish. She couldn't get her fin out straight. You know, she needed her fin out straight.

There was bad currents that day. Yeah, so I guess other than that, it would have been mostly doggy style. Or as they refer to it scientifically, rear entry. Rear entry, yeah, because I don't know if dogs were dogfish style. Well, they're referencing like chimpanzees. Yeah, I know because, yeah. Chimp style? Yeah.

Anyways. Fascinating stuff. We're learning a lot today, man. Now, connect this to the famine. Well, this is beyond my ability to bring it back. They were too hungry to have sex. Yeah, bring it back to the famine, you know? Yeah.

So, let's, let's keep going. Let's keep going. We're really going places today. I love it. Hey, Des. How's you going? When I was in middle school, I went to, a private Christian school. One day I was out on the playground, I think, in about eighth grade,

and my teacher pulled me to the side and asked me where my underwear lines were. She ended up calling my mom and told her that I should not be wearing a thong, and she was shocked that she allowed me to wear it. So I just think that's hilarious and creepy. Thanks. Bye. I mean, trying to investigate the type of underwear is insane. insane. You have to be staring so hard at a kid's ass. Female teacher. Ew.

Crazy. You can police the undergarments of students. But also just the obsession. Just this kind, like, it's just amazing. Just the concept of like quote unquote purity compared to just the disregard for all. other horrific things that humans could do, are doing things that you support. It's so weird. It's such an odd thing that religion became so obsessed with that.

You know? Yeah. Honestly, though, let's let's like, let's take it back. That's weird, honestly. But just the whole Catholic school obsession with what you wear, what you should be wearing. And by the way, I didn't mind uniforms, honestly. I didn't, I kind of like the simplicity of it. But like, you had to have a certain haircut. I mean, the fucking New York Yankees were still doing that until recently. Like, you know, just all this, like all these rules about what you wear and how

you look, you know, it's, it's crazy how, how anti-self-expression religion ended up being. Very weird. This also, um, reminded me the first time. I asked my mom if I could get thongs was in church because I was like, this is the only safe place for me to ask where I can't get yelled at in front of people. So for some reason I was like, okay, this feels like, but it was totally in an inappropriate moment where it was definitely quiet. I'm sure we were supposed to be praying. Everyone was kneeling on the little thing. It's a thing called. Oh, there's a word for the. They flip it out and you need a kneeler. Yeah, but there's a word for it. What's the fucking word for that?

The church has loads of words. Yeah, but we were kneeling on that thing. It was a moment of silence for sure. But I was like, well, she can't yell at me. This is a safe place for me to ask. And I think she still said no. Oh, it's simply called a kneeler, according to Google. The kneeler.

Shout out the kneeler. Older terms are Hasek or Tuffet, but I definitely didn't know that. in French it's the Pidu anyway so was that a thing like suddenly it was like it was cool to have a thong

was that like that was like a moment when I was a freshman in high school that's where like the Victoria's Secret pink yoga pants were huge and you couldn't have underwear lines with the yoga pants

like you just simply I know this is an underwear line supportive podcast and family this is a granny penny penny supportive pop. Which I'm like getting into that wave now. I feel like it's, I'm like, why have I cared so much about this for so long? About the line. Why do you care about the line? Free the line. So anyways, you couldn't have the lines because it was just kind of like,

it was just like an amateur thing. And yeah, but something about thongs felt like there was just such a weird, it just immediately equals sex for some reason. So me asking for that was like, okay well who's it for and I was like well I just want to I just don't want to have underwear lines with my new trendy pants um so yeah it's funny underwear trends it's it's it's probably not talked about as much as like fashion trends but like I remember I was very comfortable with my my my tidy whiteys or you know my my why fronts what do you what do you call the like the boring why front like Haynes what are they what's the American term I forget you have so But you, it's almost like a bikini fit.

Like for women, it would be bikini. But you have nothing coming down your legs. And in the example of what I'm talking about, it's nothing coming down your legs. Yes. I can't remember which place calls it, why fronts, which place calls it? Like a brief? Tighty Whitey's. Or is that not even?

Tighty Whitey's is like where my brain goes for sure. Yeah. And it doesn't matter. You guys kind of know what I'm talking about. Like the old school basic Haynes. It's like a speedo. Yeah. underwear. Yeah, but not bikini though. You know the way like you can have bikini briefs,

which are actually, so my dad used to wear bikini briefs because my dad was so vain. He wanted to like have the littlest amount of line showing. So my dad actually wore bikini briefs. They were really like speedos, like tight speedos. My dad was very vain. You know, my dad used bronzer every morning. I don't hate that. Yeah, my dad was vain. Anyway, but we had the, the haines, the tidy white, he said whatever. The Y fronts, I don't know. And then. one day, seventh or eighth grade, that's the age,

because eighth grade was when you start really like thinking about, like I remember in eighth grade, that's when we all started like pairing up for real and playing and spin the bottle. That's like the age.

It starts to kick off in New York anyway. But in eighth grade, suddenly the type of underwear you wore mattered. Even though nobody's really looking at your underwear, but suddenly then I just remember having to have boxer shorts.

But you didn't have them like coming out the pants because that was like a really big thing for us that they were making like printed designed ones in eighth grade. So you would go to like Hollister, Abercrombie, one of those places. And you would get these like funky little prints on your boxers. And they would be like sticking out of the top of your pants.

Your pants would be sagging. So the boxer shorts came and then the whole like having your pants low started. And that was big. Hip hop culture. So I did then want to have my pants low hanging down. That was the style. But you had to have boxers. was like a moment in time where suddenly I had to tell my mother, this is the type of

undergarment you shall be purchasing for me. You know? Well, it was kind of brutal that that was like, that was a thing at the same time that like skinny jeans were a thing because it feels like that would have been a really uncomfortable combination. Yeah, the skinny jeans were not a thing then. It was the opposite. Yeah.

At least for me. Peak baggy era for us. Uh-huh. This was this was baggy, baggy. Like, you know, I don't know which. Jankos. The gap got big for a while, so you had to get like, like really baggy gap khakis hanging down. Whatever, dude.

It's just a very different era. It's all back in style now the night. But the grunge 90 shit came later that like suddenly people started to revisit. Anyway, suddenly it was like you have to have the underwear. So I assume this was like a time where Evan was suddenly like you have to have a thumb. It's just, it's such a weird thing. I'd love to think. I'm trying to think of like all the shit that like I got in trouble for in terms of like what I wore.

I nearly got in trouble once for shaving my head. Yeah, hair and like piercings and stuff too. I feel like I've heard people say they had to take out their like eyebrow piercing or nose piercing or ears. Guys were getting suspended from Black Rock College, my final secondary school in Ireland. Guys were getting suspended for shaving their head. But I shaved my head with a four and my hair is so thick, still to this day. my hair is so thick that the dean Barry O'Keefe came up to me and he was like close but I'm going to let you away with it my hair was so thick I got away with it what like so like a buzz cut would be

yeah yeah yeah why it feels like that would be better I know but just this was just a thing they just decided like that's that's a no go so you just have to be somewhere in the middle of buzz cut and long hair and groom it every day I just got saved by my thick hair I think another kid that got a number four on his head would have been suspended. You know? It's good to have a sheep's head sometimes, you know. So, all right, can we take the altar girl one since we mentioned it earlier? Hi, does.

Hi, Nicole. So I grew up, I was raised Catholic, and I was forced to be an altar girl for Sunday Mass for many years. And I was probably about eight years old. and apparently they introduced this new bell ringing into the service. So we get there, I get all dressed up in my down and pass or whatever, I don't even know what it's called, but they shut me out there and tell me, you've got to ring these bells now at this point in Mass. Like, whatever Father is like reading the scripture, and I did my best and tried to ring the bell,

and apparently I rang it at the wrong time, and so after Mass was over, I, um, was in the room, like returning my stuff, and this orderly lady that ran the church came up to me and yelled at me and scolded me for like five minutes straight about messing up the entire math, and I ruined it because I rang the bell at the wrong time. And luckily my mom let me quit being an altar girl after that encounter because I hated it anyway. Yeah, that was pretty traumatic. I'm not Catholic anymore. But, yeah. All right. Thanks.

Love you guys. shout out to all my laps Catholics. Lapsolix. That's us. But anyway, it's very funny because there's like, there's a couple of reasons why me and this person are different. Number one, altar girls were not a thing in St. Kevin's in the 1980s. Well, not at my church either.

I remember the first time I saw an altar girl. I feel like St. Mel's in Queens was the first one to go with a girl. It was like big thing, you know? but it was not allowed in our school. No alter girls. It wasn't either at mine in that. I mean, that would have been like the,

I don't know, early 2000s. Wow. Still no alter girls? No, and I was like, oh, that looks cool.

I want to wear the silly outfit. I want to go up there and like hold this stuff and have everyone look at me. Cassock and circus. Sure. Yeah. Like,

I don't know. I feel like maybe my mother was doing it at one point, but we weren't allowed to do it. During Advent, you got to wear the red. Always, yeah, it was like, the red was always like, oh, we're bringing the fashion this week. Yeah, but the bell did feel like a lot of pressure. Okay, so the second thing is about the bell.

I literally have a routine about how I was jealous of the churches that did the bell. We didn't have a bell. We didn't have a bell. And that, so first of all, it's very funny how lapsed she is. So she doesn't realize that the bell is rang at literally the most. important part of the mass, the consecration of the body and blood of Christ, the turning of the bread and the wine into the body and blood of Christ. It's hard to miss.

Transubstantiation. Transubstantiation is like the essence of Catholic, the essence of the of the sacrament, the essence of church, the essence of mass. It's kind of like, how did you miss your cue? Because he, it's, he's, it's the only time he's like not talking and like, is there's like very clear motions of it happening. So I guess you are kind of behind him, right? But.

But you're supposed to bow your head then. You're supposed to like basically like bow your head in the presence of God. That's the bell. It's like a moment. And there was so much power. You ring the bell. They bow, you know? You probably threw off his whole flow if you just wrung it at a different time.

I was so jealous of the bell. And she got to do the bell and didn't appreciate it. The bell was cool. I feel like they changed a lot of stuff though during my childhood they changed a lot of the responses and like the language and stuff and that really threw everyone off for a while yeah yeah and with his spirit bro it still throws me

I was at a wedding recently a couple of weeks ago in Washington DC and I fucked up a couple of things but I still sang the songs you know anyway just a fun fact but not a fun fact sorry this is more like fun question. They had the Ave Maria at the wedding.

It's a funeral song to me. Yeah. That's a funeral song to me. It is. And I love the Ave Maria. And I took out the hymn book and I actually, I sang the Latin. I can't sing it now because I don't know it, but I found it. I went into the index.

I found Ave Maria and I sang it because I like singing at church. Uh-huh. But I only know the line we all know, Ave Maria. Totally. It's a funeral song to me. It is. The show I do about my mom, me and mama, I literally make a joke because I do a joke about the songs that we pick for the funeral. And then I say, of course we had the Ave Maria.

There'd be a riot if you didn't have the Ave Maria. You got to have the Ave Maria at a funeral. But like, listen, I enjoyed it. But it wasn't, to me, the Ave Maria wasn't giving. This is the beginning of our wonderful journey together. It was giving a sadness. Which I was more than happy to indulge in myself. But it felt almost selfish in such a joyous occasion.

So to you, it almost feels like taps at a wedding. A little bit. But guys, I'm open to, I'm open to debate on this guys. I'm open. To all our lapsed Catholics and active Catholics, you know, out there, hit us up, you know? But anyway, all I'm saying is I was jealous of the, you know, I was jealous of the, you know, I was jealous of the, uh, The bell ringers. Let us proclaim the mystery of faith.

There's actually a song one there. Go to the song one. Hey, Bernard Song. Not necessarily religious drama, but, I mean, maybe the way it came out, but we've talked a lot about the hymns, all the music that comes out of the Catholic church. I went to a Catholic high school. Our friends grew up trying not to laugh when they sang our favorite.

songs and they're so deeply ingrained in the psyche that there were at least a friend or two out of the like 10 girls that I hung out with in high school that at their bachelorette party we drunk as heck on the party bused out in church songs which really really confused their college friends all right you guys have a great day bye listen you got to go with what you know You know, because like a lot of times Irish people love sing songs. You know that, right? Do you know that? Are you aware that culturally, like a good night in Ireland finishes with a sing song?

It's like a day. It's great fun. But it's most fun when people are singing songs that everybody knows. The problem is that any length, any sing song that has any length at all, you very quickly run out of the songs that everybody knows. And then you get the person with a good voice that wants to sing a ballad. But then now you're at a gig. it's not a sing song anymore you're at a gig and you got to like listen to this person who takes singing seriously like sing some fucking sad song you know no don't get me wrong i'm not saying that it's not a

beautiful song but i'm just saying like it's not it's not fucking fun we're not here for a gig we're here for a sing song you know so the key to a good sing song is when you run out of songs that everybody knows you know if i can let it be and whatever you know whatever everybody knows fucking oasis right when you run out of them my generation you crack out a couple of church songs always brings the energy right back up man right back up and you know because i have these jokes about singing at mass and i'm not the only irish comedian that has some jokes about singing at mass now i get sent there's a lot of fucking singer-songwriter people around the world now they're singing them getting viral and by the way i don't think they took my idea i'm just saying like the cats out of the bag about how fun

it is to sing church songs. And there's nothing sacrilegious about it. Because, Sister Donna, no, was Sister Joan? I can't remember which. I think it was Sister Joan. Sister Joan used to lead hymn practice. So every Friday afternoon, we would leave school, go to church, and we'd have him

practice. We'd practice the hymps. But it always said that a song is praying twice. Singing is praying twice. So you can't be upset if people are on a bus at a college event singing the songs because it's just exultation. It's just singing in the name of the Lord, you know. And who knows, maybe the lapsed Catholic, maybe the person who strayed from their faith,

someone who has none like me, they might sing that song and suddenly feel the presence of God and come back to the flock, a stray sheep brought back by a rousing rendition on a party bus of be not afraid or one bread, one body, you know, that might bring somebody back. What's your favorite, Nicole? Well, I was, I really feel like I remember none until I hear one and I just like lock in when we were watching. the death of the pastor's wife, there were so many classics that were coming on that I was like, oh my God, remember that. Our God is an awesome God. Like, you know, these come around, I'm like, hell yeah. That's Christian, bro. Are you, what were you raised? Yes, that's me. Yeah. Ah. So the first time I heard that was when somebody brought me to some Christian, some like Christian thing.

And it was a big, big fucking screens on the wall. That's a big hit. Yeah. Right. So yeah, there was big screens on the wall. So actually, it's Christian. So a lot of like modern Christianity is like, it's really karaoke. That's what I find. Totally. Totally. And I'm not against it. Catholic mass is boring.

So you don't know this one? One bread, one body. You don't know it? Keep singing. One Lord of all. It's actually not the easiest. One cup of blessing which we'll auto tune it. Don't worry about it.

I don't want auto tune on my fucking one bread, one body. Sacrilege. And we, though many throughout the earth, we are one body in this one lord. Then it gets really good. Gentile or Jew. Shout out. Servant or free. So modern.

Yeah. Woman or man or they I just added it I just ended up Yeah this is how we should start the episodes Yeah Like you gotta start with a fucking A bangor from back in the day bro

A banger for sure Yeah that one never crossed my desk Servant or free That's it like real fucking bring it up to the modern times Everything we've learned all the fucking shit we've learned in the 2000 years since this time. Like, the servant are free needing to be kept into lyrics.

All irrelevant compared to the glory. You fucking favor. His cult is showing. I'm still nostalgic for the times. But anyway, that's, you know, it's funny about running bread, one body.

It's a lot bigger in the States. Is it? That's actually, I'm going to admit to everybody. listening, I actually took out the lyrics on that because it's not as big in Ireland, one bread, one body. It was a big one in America, you know. So we sing a new song. Sing a new song.

Sing a new song unto the Lord. Let a song be sung from mountains. So that was not as big in Ireland. But Ireland had some Irish ones. Kate Miller, Fultcher wrote Ais. This is going to send someone into psychosis driving to work in the morning. 100,000 welcomes to Jesus. So anyway, let's finish with the Apostle poem.

Hey, Nicole. I'm calling in for the fun, religious, whatever, from your childhood. So I still remember all of the names of the apostles because we had to learn a prayer or a poem. and obviously you're welcome of course we will do it so peter andrew james and john follow jesus on and on matthew thomas philip too don't forget bartholome you simon jude and little james are 11 of the apostles names 11 good men and one was not the name is shootus as a scarriot you're welcome thanks bye it's like a religious hip-hop yo What a bar. Yeah.

She's just like, that's great. Yeah, being able to fit Bartholomew into a rhyme is crazy. Yeah, and Bartholome, that's a real win, you know? So, yeah, God. This has been fun for me. I could, honestly, like, I could do, I could literally have a podcast about, like, lapsed, lapsed faith fun. I'm also aware that we have some religious dialers.

and I don't want you to think in any way shape of phone that we're shaming your faith. It's really just about nostalgia and the way people experience different things in their own way. So I don't want you to feel unwelcome here. And we are also open to any dialers that want to message in about their own faith and what it means to them. So thanks to everybody for messaging in. I forgot to mention I added another show in the town hall in New York. and actually tonight, which will be irrelevant to you

because it'll be days later, but I'm adding, or I added a date a date in Melbourne, Brisbane and Perth. The Perth show, this is in Australia,

the Perth show is actually a matinee. So I'm doing three shows that day. So it'll be an early show, I think, like 4 o'clock. In Perth, in Australia. We're adding a night at the Tivoli in the Brisbane. And then the big ad, this one's stressing me out a little bit. This I may be overextending the comedy theater in Melbourne to finish the tour,

staying in extra few days. Comedy theater, Melbourne, big venue. So this is where we may have bitten off more than we can chew. But if you're in Australia and you're going to, because the Melbourne shows have been sold out for quite a while. So if you've been waiting to get tickets, you can now get them. for the comedy theater, some Saturday, it's the Saturday before Thanksgiving. I can't remember the exact date, but I know that it's the Saturday before Thanksgiving

because I told them that I needed to be back in the United States before Thanksgiving. So it's that Saturday before Thanksgiving. And so please, if you're on Australia, check it out. Spread the word. And anything to add, Nicole, before we go? Not really. Go see Des Live. Go see Des Live.

Go seat test live. By the way, I forgot to mention somebody, I think on the WhatsApp, on a message I didn't use, called you Nick Caroline. Yeah. Nick. That's pretty good. That's not bad. And that's it. That's it, everybody.

Oh, what was the prompt again? What's pissing you off in the workplace right now, whether it's a person thing you're having to do, workplace drama, something about work. And don't forget to give us a shot on 917512-1758 or plus 640. 4-24-6-4-2370-20. The Burnaphone hotline is open. You can leave a message 24-7 feedback from the episode. Prop suggestions or anything that's on your mind. Thanks very much, everybody.

We'll see you next week.