Sarah Merrill: Big Kid Problems & No Plan B
00:00Okay, guys, this is very exciting. I'm doing a crossover episode with Sarah Merrill, Big Kid Problems.I went on her podcast, the Big Kid Problem Podcast, where I talked about career changes and course correction, which I'm obsessed about.So after you're done with this episode, go to the Big Kid Problems podcast to hear me and Taylor Strecker drop some serious knowledge on your asses.Welcome to Burning Hell.Welcome to Hell. I'm your host Hannah Burner.And today, I am with Sarah Merrill.Are you nervous?A little bit.
00:47Why?Just because I don't know what the hell you're going to ask me.I'm a little nervous.But you know what?I love a girl who's like, I don't know what's going to happen, but let's do this.Let's see what happens.So you are the founder of.Big Kid Problems on Instagram and Twitter, and I met you, I think, through, maybe through
01:06Lindsay Hubbard of Summer House or through, I don't know, some social gathering, maybe throughBetches.I think I met you, I think it was out of, like, a Betches event.Probably.Yeah.And I was like, you make memes, I make memes.I was like, we're meme sisters.And I also, what I love about you is you make your own original content.
01:27Yeah, girl.You see other accounts that are just.like you know curating other people's original original memes how does it make you feel that youare like doing all the grunt work on your own and maybe other people are growing faster um i mean that'slike been my experience like the whole time doing this is because i can't put out as much contentas everybody else because they're making it posting six memes a day yeah and that i mean i guessthat helps you grow faster um but yeah i just want to it's been like annoying the wholetime but it's also helped in certain ways like when you make your own content at least people
02:05when they when they repost you they retag you yep sometimes maybe like five percent of the timebut in that five percent of the time it helps do you have good relationships as other meme accounts nowto be like yeah that's me make sure you tag me yeah in the future yeah i have like a i have like achunk and like now i feel like we're kind of like our own like window of i only see their memes andand they probably like we all just kind of like like each other shit yeah yeahBut there's this weird underground meme community that we all, like, talk and that we allkind of have each other's backs.But you have a big account, you have, what, like, 350,000 followers?
02:41We're getting close to 400, baby.Oh, hoo!I mean, half a million, that's crazy.But you also have a personal account.Yeah, my personal account is, like, I really, like, not thought.Why did you start it after?Tell me, like, the process of that.Um, so my personal account is really, like, my true personal account.
03:00like i don't curate it yeah somebody somebody taught me that term like a year ago um we're oldi know no it's kind of scary um but that's just like my personal shit like i post like like unfiltered photoslike blurry club photos you know like it's it's not super curated i'm actually trying to make it a littlebit better and more professional well now you're not only a meme page you have a podcast that justdropped. I'm so excited. It's called the Big Kid Problems podcast that I'm actually going on tomorrowso make sure you check out the Big Kid Problems podcast. Oh my God, that's so hard to say. So the bigthing with my pod is I take a Big Kid Problem, which is basically like a young adult issue orstruggle. We take one every week and then we're going to chat about it, like kind of like friends
03:48talking at a bar and then I have an expert on to solve it. So our Big Kid Problem is going to be have a bigcareer transition we had a better word for it oh like a path change yeah it was like a yeah it was ait's a a path change like you're going down one path which i'm obsessed with in life like i lovechanging shit up now i kind of dove into it because i have my so many things that i want to ask youabout your account but let's rewind for the listeners and where were you born we're going to goway back when you came out of your mother's womb where were you i was in floridaSouth Florida. So flat.South Florida.
04:27Yeah.Okay.And then kind of give me a brief kind of coming of age.Yeah.So, I mean, I grew up in South Florida.And the whole time I was there, I wanted to get the fuck out.Okay.I really wanted to move to New York, like, ever since a young age.
04:43How did you know New York?So I had an aunt and my cousins lived in New York.They were in, like, Long Island.But we would come every summer and, like, go into the city.And I was always like, oh, the city.So amazing.Do you have advice for people who feel like,they were born in the wrong place yeah um you can move like anybody anybody can fucking move
05:00and that's what it's so crazy because like everyone saw me i mean i didn't like come from moneyi was just like i hustled like i saved up like all college i like worked four nights a weekand was like bartending good for you bartending you make that guap like you make that wartending wheni was 20 than i do now i know girls who did like battle service in miami and they were like honeyI could have bought like four mansions.It's insane.But you don't want to ultimately stay in that path because one day you wake up and your tits are on the ground and you're like, I don't really want to do this anymore.Yeah.
05:34Yeah, nightlife in general is tough.I love to sleep.I'm like a big sleeper.A woman by my own heart.This is an 11 a.m.podcast and I woke up at 10.30 feeling like it was the middle of the night.Girl, I set like three alarms for this.Like we are.
05:49That means so much to me because it means you care.Just because you don't want to stay up late at nightOr wake up really earlyDoes not mean you're not on that hustleBecause the second I'm up, I'm workingIt just takes me a while to get upBecause I have possiblyWhatever disorder that is, chronic fatigue
06:06But I don't knowI think I'm just tired a lotBut enough about me, enough about meYou bartended, you save moneyYou moved to New York CityYeah, I moved everyone in my familyWas like, you can't move to New York CityLike that's insane, you don't have a job
06:19And I was like, watch mewatch me work yeah so i mean i just saved up and like literally that's all it takes is just like a nicelike one little cushion and you just have to get out there where do you think you got that confidencefrom because like i'm not gonna lie that's balzy i i just like in my mind i there was no other optionlike it was weird like i was just like yeah this is what i'm doing and i don't have a plan Bit's like your intuition was just like this is the only plan you need yeah like i was like youyou gots to go so yeah i moved i um i lived in the n yu uh dorms amazing in that summer becausei was like oh i'll just intern and like i'll get hired by my company and like everything's gonna work
07:01out because that's what happens right yeah and then like that didn't happen no because corporateamerica is not as simple as it seems no after our parents were like oh my god corporate americathat's how things work then when we tried to do it at a different time it's not as simple and it'salmost like a way of controlling you. Like you have to go to the best college and pay the most moneyso that then you can get your internship at one of the top places. If you don't get into that,no one talks about what you do. Like if you don't get into the college and if you don't get thatinternship and then if you don't get hired after your internship, it's like no one talks about what you doand just creates like an anxiety-ridden millennial. Oh, I could go on on this topic for so long.
07:38Because like look at what both you and I are doing. Did we, did our college degrees help this?I had a choice to go to Cornell because my mom went there and I was a tennis player.and pay a ton of money because I didn't give scholarships for tennis or go to University of Wisconsinwhere I'd get a full ride. And in my head, in my heart, I was like, you don't need that Ivy Leaguedegree to get where you want to go. Because I know that Ivy Leagues help you get the interview,but I'm like, I want to be an entrepreneur. I don't even need an interview. And I, in my heartof hearts felt that. Obviously, University of Wisconsin is an amazing school. Yeah.But, like, people are, like, spend their whole life trying to get into an Ivy.
08:16And I'm like, it's what's inside that counts.It doesn't, the degree is just, like, a status thing.For sure.I mean, I do not come from, like, a, an Ivy League school.My mom was smart.My dad went to four different colleges.He's smart, too, but he just misbehaved.Yeah, I misbehaved, too.
08:33I had, like, some, I had rebellious years.Tell me a little more about the rebellious years.Oh, God, can we not.See, you dropped it.You dropped it.You dropped and something to come at it.Because, no, but you must be a rebellious person.for your family to be like what are you doing to go to new york and then you just did it like where does that
08:47rebellion come from yeah i don't i don't well i mean i always like i kind of felt like i had like theshort end of the stick all light all of my life because i saw like my friends like i'll give youan example like cheerleading like i wanted to be a cheerleader so bad in high school and in middleschool and um all my girlfriends like we were all on cheerleading together and like we'd go to practiceand then like their parents would pick them up and like my parents were like we can't pick you up your school's45 minutes away so I would like I would have to like wait I would like pretend like my parents were runninglate and then I would like go and take the city bus home you know like I was like but I was just like Iwanted to do this so I'm going to make it happen either I'm like I can't do I can't be on the squad or I'll
09:32just fucking make it work it's like your parents actually did something good by being kind of moredifficult than other parents in that like you had to learn for yourself and not depend on them forsure but it like lit this like fucking fire because i would like be sitting at the city bus stop likedude this sucks i am not i'm getting the fuck out of here the second i can yeah so i mean so you getout yeah and you go to new york city you're in the n yu dorms what internship did you get i workedin the loreal PR department okay sounds dreamy sounds dreamy yeah so i am like you knowknow this is everything's happening on paper it looks great looks great i i get like this gorgeous likefirst day outfit show up the elevator doors open and like everything's in boxes i'm like what's going
10:24on here and they're like oh like they shut down the department like wait what and like basically they hadthey had moved it it was just like three people then like on the team and they had like it wasn'tit was actually lancom i shouldn't specify that and so like loreal was taking over likethe PR and then like Lancombe didn't have its own like division anymore so I get there and I'm likeoh there's not going to be a job for me at the end of this uh so um I was interning like three days aweek there and so I'm like I have two other days a week maybe I can get an internship somewhere elsealso internships are so brutal like I went from being the captain of my tennis team tointerning for digital marketing for a fashion boutique they literally didn't make our contact with me
11:07the whole time.What?They were just like snooty fashion people and I went from feeling like, oh, fashion is rough.And as an intern, I was like, this is what I have to do, like just take people's bullshit.Like, I want to learn.But some internships are horseshit.Yeah.I'd say like 99.7%.
11:29And you're not getting paid.No.Actually, I heard they changed that recently.I heard that like, yeah, like right after my year.They're like, you know, we're going to start paying interns.cool amazing this is fun so good for you so what else were you doing um so i was then i took aninternship in another company two days a week um and then i was bartending because i wasn't gettingpaid at either one of those so i went to the standard beer garden and i was a beer girl just
11:55knowing how to bartend seems like a great skill oh for sure regardless what happens in your lifeyou're like i could always bartend oh for the record i am the worst bartender like i don't know anything. Like, someone would just ask me for a drink. They'd ask for, like, a sexy drink. And I'm justlike, here's a, you're a rum and coke. I'm going to make it strong for you. You sound likeJacks from Vanderpump Rules, if anyone watches that. But also, I just want listeners to know, and Idon't mean to be, like, vapid, but you're, like gorgeous. You kind of look like, you look likea, like, cool Barbie doll. Oh, my God. That's the nicest compliment I've ever gone. Like, you looklike Barbie issue of, like, a stick up our ass. Do you know you're pretty?
12:37um i i don't i don't like think i'm like a turd you know yeah you know i'm not gonna be like a dickand be like no i hate everything about myself um but i've actually never asked that on this podcasti'm like do you know you're pretty that's literally what i did you just now i'm so sorry i feelattacked so how pretty do you think you are um so you come in this place all like pretty and i haveto deal with that no but i am impressed that like it's 11 a m and you don't look likelike it's the morning. Oh, well, I feel like it's the morning. Do you feel like being pretty has helpedyou with things? No, I actually thought it would help a lot more. You're like, this life was supposed to beeasier. Look at me. Look at me. I actually like, it's funny. I, on my, I have merchandise for
13:25making problems. One of like the first mugs I created was like too pretty to work. Like too pretty to workthis hard. Um, because like that, it was just kind of like a joke that we had like in our office.We're like, we're cute.Like, why do we have to do all this shit?It's also funny because you pick one career.Like, you make memes.No one sees your face.Literally.
13:46Like, literally no one sees your face.People think I'm a 14-year-old boy.I originally started Big Good Problems anonymously because I was trying to get a job.And I, you know, I didn't want to have all of this stuff out there under my name because I'm like, I need to like work.But you were doing it just for fun on the side?Yeah.Yeah.I was doing it just to, like, make my friends.
14:04from school laugh would you consider yourself the funny friend um i mean yeah i guess but like people whomeet me in person they're always kind of like oh we thought you would be like fucking funnier that's annoyingi think it's because you're hot i'm just like low key like i'm like low key well you're the kindof person that if you you're not annoying like a lot of comedians are that take up a lot of space inthe room like you listen yeah i like you yeah and if i take the time to shut the fuck up andlisten to you you drop gold like you like even under your breath you'll say something I'm like that'sshe's funny yeah thank you yeah that's pretty much it and I'm sick of I'm gonna go on a rant but I'msick of stand-up comedians acting like there's only one form of comedy like you have to be making jokes
14:47for like old white men and they think it's funny for it to be comedy right like you're a writeryeah at my heart like that's like what I do I could see you writing a book oh I see that for youI've been very intuitive lately.I see you writing a book.I know I heard your episode where you were talking about being intuitive.I see you writing a book.Oh my God.Thank you.
15:08That's like one of my life goals.You're going to do it.You're going to do it.Okay, so you can't find a job.You start big kid problems.I think a lot of people that listen, like follow me and they like my kind of trajectoryand journey with my tweets, but like you're a legitimate, incredible meme page that'sall original content.
15:26How does one begin?um how does one begin i mean it's just it comes from being able to create content i meanthere are so many mean pages i mean you can curate that's also another way it clearly worksactually a lot faster that way um but i think if you can just because that's like the biggest thing for meis like i can just create content and i can create i can create i can create a lot of it have you alwaysbeen creative um yeah well in the writing in the writing area but like i never really like owned thatAnd then, I mean, yeah, I never really owned that.Well, I mean, because I was, like, good at other things in school that, just like we were
16:02talking about earlier, like, we were kind of, like, fed that whole bullshit about, like,you have to, like, you know, do well in school.And writing isn't something that people make a lot of money with, which you're told.Exactly.You're not like, oh, go write something.I'm become a millionaire.Yeah.And then, like, same.
16:16Like, I, you know, my whole goal is I was like, I want to, like, make a lot of money and, like,have this lifestyle that I've, like, I've dreamed of.so I you know I was good at school and wanted to like go to law school that was like my goalwas like go to law school did you like yeah no when people like I wouldn't become a lawyer I'm likeI don't even know what that entails yeah I'm like I can read good and like retain knowledge I can arguewith my brother well it shows that you have that hustle that you could immediately be like yeah bitchI could be a lawyer if I want yeah I think I just saw legally blonde like one too many times and it justlike it was I don't know I just like fucking grasped on to that I totally see that everyone like
16:58that scene when she's on the treadmill you're like ooh I'm getting pumped up iconic Harvard law hererecum so you have two internships oh my god yeah look okay I'm backtracking we're backtracking yeah um yeah soI end up getting a job in PR because that's my internships were four and then like actuallylike seven months into that. I got let go. Wow. So that was brutal. Why? Um, I had my idea oflike what a good employee was and like what their definition of a good employee was were totallydifferent things. Like they wanted me to like be out at the clubs like super late night like spying oncelebrities so we could like trade placements and like it's just like a weird world and I'm likeI like to be in bed, you know. Also like you need to get paid a lot if you're going to be working like
17:48all hours of the day. Yeah.I mean, obviously, they're not going to do that.Publicity is weird because sometimes it can be, like, sketchy.Yeah, that's, like, not my vibe at all.I'm like, I don't want to, like, go.It's, like, gossip land, but, like, also, like, mind games.Like, oh, I have this about Ryan Gosling.I'll give you that if you don't put the story about Teresa Judice.
18:10And then, like, that stuff, it's so, such mind-fuckery.Mm-hmm.It's like reality TV on crack.Yeah.It's like, it's a completely different.So you basically were like, I don't want to do that.Yeah, I kind of like just wasn't like playing the game the way that they wanted me to.They're like if you're like a first year, like you need to be, you're like in your light younger 20s, like be out at the clubs.
18:31Like do that stuff.So it was, it was the right move.But that was actually like the hardest period of time in my whole life because I don't-Getting fired is an ego punch.Oh, yeah.Right to the fucking like.Especially in the beginning of your career when you're like, I'm going to be great.Yeah.
18:48And they just kick you in the shin.How did you deal with that?It was actually like the worst time in my whole life.Like I looked back, just because I was so panicked.You're probably very lonely.Very lonely.And I was like, I feel like I failed.It was like my first big failure.
19:05And then I not only was it a big failure for me, but then also I'm like, I didn't have any money.Like that job barely paid me anything.Like I was barely scrapping by as is.So I'm like, I can't afford rent next month.um so i started like my like every all the shit started to spiral and i'm like i like this wasmy dream to come here in new york and like if i don't get a job immediately like it's over andnew york will chew you up and spit you out yes new york doesn't give a fuck about you but if youcan like hold on and take the punches new york will embrace you yeah yeah so i i that's exactly
19:44what was having i took i took my beating i got my beating umAnd eventually, I mean, it was, like, rough.Like, I was having, like, panic attacks, like, daily.Had you ever had anxiety before?I had, like, a traumatic experience earlier in life that I had experienced a panic attack.And then it all came back, like, then I was having rolling panic attacks, which haveyou ever heard of that?No.
20:08This is, like, a unique situation where you have, like, you think of a panic attack and youstart to come down off of your panic attack, and then you go right back up to another oneAnd then right back down.So it's like merged panic attacks?Yeah.How long could this take?From hell.I was having rolling a panic attacks for like two weeks, which is like horrific.
20:29And like not sleeping.So like it wouldn't stop for two weeks?No.And like couldn't sleep.Like so that was like really, really bad.My friend was like finally like you need to like get some help.Yeah.Because you, this is like you're not.
20:42This is something that alone you can't handle.Yeah.Can you tell me what traumatic experience?grants did you have in your past oh man that's a long story we don't have enough time but basicallyi went to um between the time of when i but when i graduated college and moved to new yorki went on a euro trip with some friends and i stayed longer than my friends and traveled aroundsolo and i got into a really bad um situation like almost taken yeah it was it was it was prettybad um that's a whole other story and you had a panic attack there yeah that was the first time i
21:21had rolling panic attacks basically you thought that you were being kidnapped yeah i was like i'm nevergonna see my family again like it was for real like bad um and it was rolling that that's when iwhen i mean like a not just a panic attack like it was like it rolled over several days it was horribleso while you were almost getting kidnapped you were having this rolling panic attack yeah that was the firsttime I had ever experienced a panic attack in my life. And they were like, I don't want tokidnap this person because she keeps telling you attack.They're like, whoa.Not to make a kidnap joke when my dad would always joke with me and he'd be like, I'm not
21:52worried about you getting kidnapped because they'll just like beg me to take you back.Yeah, they're like, this girl's like high maintenance.They're like, she asked too many questions.I'm like, so what was the most traumatic thing that ever happened to you?I'm cracking myself up.So after your life flashes before your eyes in Europe,yeah did that do you think that changed your perspective on life in a positive way or it scared theshit out of you to what life can actually be like both um it definitely it shifted like everything
22:24for me uh because like my priorities in life completely changed like i was like 22 coming out ofcollege like living it up you know like partied really hard was so excited to come to new yorkyeah completely invincible like when i get nervous if i was walking home late in new york city whenI was like in high school I would like put my hood over my head so they couldn't see that I had longhair and I would like I remember once I went shopping I put a huge bag under my coat so I lookedlike I was pregnant and I'm like no one would have a pregnant person right but like that's a two forone exactly oh god it's so fucked up for just like you're sick like me I like you but but pleaseexplain like that those moments in life where something so scary happens does change your
23:08perspective yeah fear is like because we think like we know fear you know and then i i i rememberthinking this like when this was happening because i'd been like scared of things before and i was likethis is like another fear this is like another this is a this is like a this is like a whole otherlevel of um you know like my life will never be the same after experiencing this oh um my friendswhen i find out that my mom makes me take the public school bus yeah this is like oh i mightnever see my family again yeah like yeah you just got involved with the wrong guys no i mean it's likea whole long story but i just i just wound up in a bad situation and then ended up like getting lost i gotrobbed completely blind i had no cards no um money i ended up in like i don't even know which country
23:52i was in at one point like it's a whole long how did you get out um i basically i had it was sofunny because when i was traveling in europe my mom made me wear this um like a goofy or she had given melike this goofy fucking like belt that you wear under your clothes with money and I had put like a$50 euro bill in there like left it in my bag like I wasn't going to fucking wear it by the end of thattrip that shit was like strapped on and I used that $50 euro bill to get like a train pass to getme back to my flight that was like scheduled to leave I ended up not making that flight it's a whole longstory Hannah yeah no but I love this is interesting to me because like most people don't have thisstory. No, exactly. But I'll get to, because that's too long to go into the details, but what came
24:39out of that. Yeah, that's what I'm interested in. Me experiencing that, I really, like, you know,I had come out. I mentioned earlier, I was, like, a little bit of a rebellious child. I kind of,like, resented my parents for, like, making me, like, take the city bus and, like, you know,not giving me the things that I saw my friends having. I came out of that, and I was like,I am so grateful for these people. These are the ones who, like, love me most on this earth.I loved my familyLike petty shit doesn't seem asBetty shit is like fuck at all
25:06Like just be nice to each otherLike kind to each otherLike everybody like deserves like love and happinessLike I was just like I don't like IYou knowIt really was life changingIt really was a blessingYeah but on the flip side
25:18Because you asked you're likeDid you come out of this positiveOr did you it alsoI mean I came back from that tripAnd I was scheduled to move to New York CityA week laterAnd I was like ohI was like I don't know
25:30if I can do this. I always say like my big traumatic moment was 9-11 growing up in New York City and I startedplaying tennis like right during that time. So I always had like 9-11 anxiety connected to my tennis.Like tennis would bring my family happiness where 9-11 like when I'd win. So it were 9-11 with so muchsadness. So I almost felt pressure with like my tennis to like keep my family happy. Whoa.so like what you're doing like sometimes just timing of traumatic events like you're going to new yorkwhich is traveling alone after that traumatic experience like of course you're going to have somehindering anxiety after it sounds like you did not really um properly like treat that experienceand heal or process it yeah so that's exactly what happened is i didn't deal with it i was like just
26:25shove it shove it down in there you're like we're like we're going toGood. We made it back.We couldn't go back.But then it came back.So when I got laid off and those things, all the things started to happen and I was like,oh my God, I'm going to, I'm not going to be able to afford my apartment and I'm not goingto be able to get another job and all this stuff happened.Then those like rolling panic attacks.
26:42It's happening again. It's something bad's going to happen.Yeah, it all came back.Because now you know, it's really that out of control feeling.Yeah.And you getting fired puts you like so out of control because it wasn't in your hands.Right.Okay.So you're having rolling panic attacks.
26:57you're in a foreign city you have PTSD it's not looking good for you I have a lot of content thoughlike big kid problems is thriving so so when did you start big kid problems I started that in college sooh yeah so you'd already been doing it um when you first started did it pop off I mean for me yeahand like a hundred people followed me on Twitter yeah so it started just on Twitter uh Hannah I'm a little bitolder than you. Not by much, but not by much. I'm like, why weren't you on Instagram?We didn't have Instagram when I was in college. No, I'm just kidding. I didn't start Instagramuntil like 2013. Yeah, that's like when it started. I graduated 2011. So you were like makingyour jokes on Twitter. Yeah, I was making jokes on Twitter and then, um, which is where the
27:46humor originates most of the time. Yeah. And then actually, so my favorite Twitter at the time wasWhite Girl Problems. Did you ever follow that? Oh my God. I loved White Girl Problems. It was so good. Oh my God. Iretweeted themI retweeted themand there's alsoNew York City problemsthat's where big kidproblems came from
28:02that name was likea placeholder namebut I was likeoh all these problems accountand I'm like what's my thingand I was likeoh well I don't really want to be an adultI'm a big kid
28:09yeah so I was likewhy do not want to be an adultwell I was justI was getting ready to graduateand I was like oh I have to like do all thesereal things likeyou know I have to figure out likewhat all of this means
28:21and weird things likeoh I have to sign a leaselike and I need to proveof all of these things.I'm like, what is...Taxes?Yeah.When I first saw what income tax was, I was like,
28:31this is robbery.Yeah.Why has no one told me about this?Why is no one fighting for this?I'm like, 34% of my fucking hard work goes...What?Isn't it more than that?In New York.
28:44In New York, who the fuck knows?It's like, it feels closer to 50.In New York, when I first got my tax, whatever, W-9,I didn't, or W-2, who the fuck knows?I didn't check the right box.and they weren't taking my New York state tax and I got a call from my tax my accountant at the end of the year and he goes are you sitting down and I'm like what's up and he goes you owe thousands of dollars and I was like what what are you talking about apparently it said like do you want to not pay tax state taxes and I was like now I thought I could just say no I'm good anyway I've talked to so many people who have had that same story that's horrible no one teaches you exactly like we go into that'sthe whole thing. Why would you ask me if I want to pay it or not, if I have to pay it anyway?So you're in college, you start tweeting. You have like a hundred followers or so.
29:34Oh, I got more. I got more than that on campus because then there was like, like,whisperings of like, oh, there's biggie problems is apparently like from our school.You know, and so it got like a little bit popular. Okay, give me some numbers.I don't remember. Probably. It was under a thousand. Okay. But do you have like a couple hundred?Yeah, but it was like, I saw those numbers going up every day and I was like, oh, this is cool.And were you having trouble coming up with tweets or it was always just like so organic for you?So easy, so organic.That's like to this day.
30:00I mean, I can like bust out like 20 big problems right now.Do you ever have a fear that you can't?Yes.I mean, because sometimes, some days I can't.Because I like every now and then will stop and you know when you're not in the creative mindsetand you're like, oh my God, what if I can never think of another funny tweet?No.Which is so not like same.
30:19It always comes back.It's not saying, but it's something I would like make up in my head and I'm like, what if it'sdone it's it's done it's um so you're tweeting where were you once you got fired numbers wiseoh i don't know i might have been around like 10 000 on on twitter um on twitter yes andi guess this might have been still before instagram um yeah but i think i was around that 10 000did you ever think you can monetize it um i didn't think i then i don't think so i think i was like ohthis could potentially, I think I saw that white girl problems had a book and I was like thiscould potentially lead to other projects like a book. And I love that. And that's my life goal.
31:00I love that it was like another entrepreneurial woman who was kind of showing you the way of whatyou can do. Yeah. Well, apparently white girl problems is a guy. Well, you know, oh, what's it? I don'tknow. Whatever. Anyway, continue. After you got fired, you had like 10,000 followers. You weren't sureif you could monetize it, but you were like excited about it. Yeah. So I, I just kept, I mean,all of these problems that I was having like gave me a lot of content and I mean I was like puttingshit out there that was very real very raw and people were relating to it I started growing thefollowing faster and faster so you were being pretty open about your issues only on big kid I meannot on my personal no never no oh god no um but yeah on big kid I was like I was like throwing out
31:48some real shit like about like depression and anxiety but in a funny way but in a funny way yeahyeah um and people like responded pretty well to that were you were you depressed um no i i i feel likewhen it comes to depression like i think that that is like so bad like i think of anxiety as like you'redigging a hole yeah and if you go down far enough you can reach depression um i've definitely liketasted it at like certain points but i've never stayed there yeah um so i wouldn't say i was everdepressed but i've definitely like suffered from anxiety it's true like with i could see you gettingdepressed about your rolling anxiety by feeling like you're stuck in it but it sounds like you never feltlike you had no hope of not having a rolling anxiety yeah yeah and when it when it rolls like that
32:33you just kind of go deeper and deeper and deeper and then you're like how the hell do I get out of thisexactly yeah so then big I'm like so fascinated by like how you got to where you are now for big kidproblems what was the trajectory like from 10,000 um the thing is is like everybody always asked meyou know like what was like the big thing that like put you on the mapAnd honestly, I mean, I've just been doing this for eight years.Wow.Putting up content three times a day.I've just been like consistent.
32:58So you do three Instagram posts a day?I try to do three a day.Not some days or not as good as others, but I usually aim for three.Where did you get that number from that made you feel like that was a good number?It was really kind of just like I looked at my peak times and I felt like people were like commutingand then like looking at their phones at lunch break and then like at night.I mean, night is always the best.afraid of like annoying people no I mean I think I read some of these other accounts like
33:27girl with no job will post like five times a day it's like her number yeah um and so I thinkthe more you post like the better it is to get those numbers higher yeah but I was just like I don'twant to sacrifice like having to put up too much of other content like I want to keep it mostly mine yeahso I kept it at three yeah yeah and but you also don't want to sacrifice the quality of your tweetsjust to post one right exactly like I want to keep itit like high quality so eight so eight years i actually have a new word that i'm trying to um push it'sit's called preem what is that so it's like it's like premium slash supreme it's just preem oh so likepreem concept i know preem is happening the fact that big your problem just said preem is happening
34:12you guys get on the bandwagon it's in like i just love saying it like preem it's like feels very like sexyThe only problem is some people say it sounds too much like a premature child.Or I was thinking premature ejaculation.Or premature ejaculations.But you know what?Prime has its faults.It's so do all of us.All of us.
34:36I'm into it.So when I met you as like the already established big kid problems, you were like, yeah, I quit my job.Yeah.What job was that?I mean, I had, oh, God.It's like hard to.like keep track of my career trajectory um i ended up i would i ended up doing uh working in a salesrole okay i became director of sales for a creative recruiting firm and that was the job i left i was
35:00doing really well there there's good money in that yeah i was making really good money i like lovedmy bosses like loved people i worked with was doing really really well you know actually i actuallylistened to this podcast with i mean not to go like two off the rails here but i was listening i lovemy like personal development podcast and uh there was an interview with sarah blakley do you know whosarah blakley yes from spanks spanks yes obsessed with her um but she was kind of talking about how sheleft her job and like like chased her passion at 27 and like the quote that inspired her was umthis life is in a dress rehearsal and i it like hit me oh i love that yeah it like hit me i waslike dude like this isn't a dress rehearsal like this is your life you're living right now like
35:43time's ticking time's ticking yeah iexactly like if you're going to put all of your energy into something else that's like not reallyfulfilling you and like you love this other project like you got to go all in and that's wheremoney starts to look very like gray like you're like cool I'm going to tell stories to my kids aboutthe money that was in my bank account like no one gives a shit at the end of the day yeah don't youthink that's like different from our generation to like the last generation so different becauseI mean my mom was basically like yeah I was the first like women and my family to go to collegeand have a career and that's a fucking great story yeah but for me i'm like i want to i have more shit
36:20that i want to say and i don't have to prove that like women can go to college my mom had a trailblazethat for me yeah so what triggered you to be like this job is great i love my bosses everyone supportivei'm outy yeah i mean so i kind of realized i was like if i want to build this to like the placethat i really want to i need to like focus my time and energy in this and i can't like i can't do bothDo you remember how big it was on Instagram at that time?I think it was like, I think it was like 200,000.That's a lot.Were you monetizing it yet?
36:49Yeah, I was monetizing.That was the other thing too is I was like, I'm going to walk away from this jobwhere I'm making a lot of money, but I have a savings.I have like these projects that are, I have like, you know, these brands I'm workingwith that I'm going to get paid from.Like I wasn't walking out to zero.I had some things set up.You ever worried that doing sponsorships would hinder like your engagement or like
37:12people get mad at you yeah i mean that's like that's like a weird thing because and and i don't knowif you've noticed on my account i don't do many sponsors yeah i've never seen one yeah i really i i keepit i i don't do many um but and that's because like i want to keep it like pretty authenticyeah and also like i don't get many but then where you make your money so i mean if i get oneor two of those a month if like if it lines up it works out yeah it's just crazy for me to thinkthat like all your income is is all your income from the Instagram so right now right now I meanI was I was consulting in social media okay that's great so I was making doing that as well and thenthe last six months I moved to LA and um I so I stopped consulting so really I've had to like rely
38:00heavily on on just my Instagram for my income and it's like hasn't been hasn't been great and thenalso I mean I wanted to develop this podcast so I've actually been like spending money developing mypodcast um but i just like i don't know why it's like the same thing like from when i moved to newyork and i was just like there is no other option like i have to do this like i was like i have to dothis like i have such a clear vision for what i want from this podcast and i'm gonna fucking do itit seems just like a natural next step so why did you move to lay so i wish i had like a coolerstory but um my boyfriend you're like i got abducted again uh my boyfriend kidnapped me yeah hekind of did um he had to move for work and we actually did like I didn't want to move right away
38:45yeah I remember you having a lot of emotions about it yeah I mean I never thought I was gonna leaveNew York I love New York where did you meet him we met um we met in New York um actually the workis twin set us up summer house connection they set you up yeah they haven't sent me up for shitthey knew him from California because he's he's born and raised California okay um but he showed upto my 25th birthday party and I was looking good you're like I'm pretty bitch I was lookinggood okay and did he catch your eye immediately um well what's funny is like he already had the huge crushon me because he had been like texting them like who's this girl on all your photos um and so likeI knew like they had told me like oh bring that's interest you and yeah he it was like all over his
39:33face like he met me and it was just like meeting like fucking he was already wrapped you on yourlittle thing guy. It is cute. And did you like him? Yeah. Yeah, I liked him. I liked him. I wasn't,like, I was also, I mean, I'm like, tell me how this works, but he was dating New York City,how does that happen? I mean, I feel bad for the guy because I had, the whole time he wassending Lauren, the work as twins, like my photo. They're like, she has a boyfriend. Like,it's not going to happen because I had been dating this other guy for two years and like had my heartbroken and then and then I met him of course like right after that like two months after that sodid you feel emotionally ready to like be involved with someone I mean I thought I did but like now
40:15looking back I'm like no like you were definitely not ready and I put him through like I it wasbut he helped you get over that last dude it's almost like he was the rebound end the realguy in one yeah but he like he's earned his stripes like he went through some shit I couldn'tdo hell are you to the guy who broke your heart your heartHow is he different than that guy?Oh, totally different.How so?In every way, shape, and form.
40:40And he's actually totally different than anybody have ever dated.Really?Yeah.Well, because I, and this is funny, because I've heard you say this on your podcast, I, like,always went for, like, the tall guy, the athlete, similar humor, like, funny.You know, I always, like, wanted those kind of connections.And, like, he is, like, definitely, like, the more, like, quieter, you know, he, he's,still talk on you're like bitch i'm not going to sacrifice that yeah but he um is much more low-key
41:11he's like very like he's like much more of a listener and it's just like i love listeners yeah he's sosweet and like just like the nicest guy like if we were at a party like he would make an effortto like go to the person who's like not talking to anybody and like strike up a conversation withthat so he's like hubby material yeah i think it's fun to date the party boys when you're youngerand learn how they're not good for you and rip your heart out yeah lately i'mso into shy guys because I'm like what's it like to be shy I'm like let me see what your world is likeand it's fascinating to me where other guys I'm like should we just talk over each other for two hoursand then have sex cool yeah like let's get our each one of our stories out but there is something
41:49to be said about like the ying and yang of a relationship like yeah yeah like you probably need your yanga hundred percent and I also have a side to me that like I like to be really quiet and turned offor like I like to just be like are we the same person we might be likeI have a side that's so performativeand then I have a side that's likeI just want to like worry about the futurefor like an hour and be like helplessand I like someone who's just really calm
42:14and confident they're like you're goodbecause I feel like I'm everyone's hype girl sometimesand sometimes I just need someone to be like hey you're goodyeah like a sturdysturdy like sturdy like rock steadylike mella yeah yeah and I'm like starting to realize thatumwe're going to end with the seven deadly sins
42:37seven deadly sinswhat are you greedy aboutI'm greedy about my timelike for sure I just don't like to likegive my time to peopleso will you just straight up say no I'm not availableyeah like a lot like I don't go to thingsunless I like want to go
43:01there's a freedomto that isn't there for sure and then you once you start saying no i feel like your friends startrealizing like oh i can't assume that she'll always be everywhere and they like it's easier to say noin the future yeah and it makes the times that you do go out like much more valuable oh yeah your friendsappreciate you way more when you're not around it's so true it's so true i mean i've been like awayfrom new york for the last few months and like everyone's loving on me so hard i come herethat's the trick do not make yourself too available to anyone go homeand sleep who are you envious of um i'm not really like an envious person i'm always like if i see some
43:43something that somebody has that i want i'm like always like i'll more so like use that constructivelyi'm like oh what are they doing like let me fucking use that it's like your your story with sarah blakleyis that her name yeah oh you know what i would say i'm envious of like so because we're in thesocial media space like of other accounts that blow up overnightLike, I am envious of bachelor, like, yodeling kid.Like, I'm fucking envious.Like, I've been working at this, like, like, three posts a day, all day, eight years.And, like, yodeling kid, like, yodeled in a Walmart and has eight million followers.
44:13Well, I feel like people would feel that way towards me, like, actresses who've been working their whole life to, like, get on TV.And then I'm like, I will fart in the hot tub.And people are like, you're a star.We're putting you on TV.So I, like, understand it.And it's kind of like, everyone was going to have their waves of success.And, like, also, what you've done, like, you have so much.knowledge behind it and you have so much like that's why you're shown your podcast that's why you're
44:38going to have a book in the future because you put your heart and soul into this and you have theknowledge to expand off of it true and also sometimes when people have like crazy success overnightthey have imposter syndrome and that sucks so good luck with that bitch um what are you gluttonousabout um because you look like cool Barbie's like what does cool Barbie get glottness about um i'mgoodness about like skincare oh my god i love see that's something like in your personal i'd like tosee more of really yeah i am like a psycho oh my god i'm a total psycho that's why i've like you look likeyou look like you're 24 oh my god thank you so you look like you're 24 i would love to see a ummorning regimen yeah i'm i'm i i am like i try everything and then i like actually just found
45:24like these products that i'm obsessed with i think so much of the skincare industry is bullshit yeahlike they're like oh this has collagen oh this is this and you're like you're just making me spend so much money when I don't understand yeah I'm like very diligent about like trying products and like seeing the actual results and I finally like when I find something to see that yeah you have so many variables for sure um I find like when I finally find something that I love like I have like yeah can you give a piece of advice for audience for like a product yeah because my thing is the skincare industry does so well at like bullshitting you because it runson such a strong fear of women aging.So it's like, don't age, you need this.And you're like, okay, here's $300.Yeah, like, don't make me old.Oh, my God, I could do a whole other podcast about that.I say a big thing is...
46:13Like you don't have an under eye.Girl.Yeah, I do.I have makeup on.Okay.You have no.False.Fake news.
46:26My big thing is I use, like, this hydrating oil.now on my skin. Like right after I wash my face, I put my hydrating oil on. And I also, this is soimportant to your younger listeners, put it on your neck and put it on your declotage. Bitch. That's what mythat's what my Nana still got it would say if anyone follows her. Oh my God. I saw her. She's anicon. Her whole thing. Were you at the, you were? No, no, no. I saw. I saw her on Instagram.On Instagram. Okay. Yeah. She's all about the declatage and the neck. Next question. When was the last timeyou experienced extreme wrath?I guess it's probably my dog.
47:01Oh my God, that's so cute.Wait, what's your dog's name again?Tucker, he has an Instagram, the good boy, Tucker.I feel like Tucker broke up with me in a past life.He's like a fuck boy.I can tell by his name.He's a total fuck boy.And he knows he's cute.
47:15He knows he's cute.He gets away with everything.Like he just like tore up my entire, like, if you follow him on Instagram, I mean,I'm posting videos all the time because he's like doing bad shit all the time.He's a bad boy.He's a bad boy.What did you get mad about recently?He tore at my entire fucking couch.
47:30Couches are expensive.I know.It was like an outdoor couch too.Did he know he was being bad?Yeah.Like what he does is I looked at the couch and I like floss my mind for a two seconds.Started yelling at him and he just like wags his tail.Oh, so he just wanted attention.
47:45He does bad things for attention.He should see a psychologist about that.He has some serious like issues.When you get mad at him, what do you do?Like do you like spray him with water?Like what do people do?I actually want to start doing that.because he's just a little dick right now.
47:58Yeah.He doesn't understand.There are repercussions for your actions, Tucker.Yeah, seriously.Maybe you should text someone back sometimes, Tucker.Okay, sorry, I'm yelling.When was the last time you were a sloth?Because, like, you run your own business.
48:11You could be a sloth sometimes if you want,or do you get scared because you will be broke if you're a sloth?That's actually a funny question.I mean, in my heart, I'm like a sloth all the time.I love my sleeps.I love my sleep.Sleeps, on sleeps, on sleeps.That's my hashtag, middle name.
48:30Yeah, that is the thing, though, is, like, running my own shit now, it's like you can't stopor, like, you don't make any money.It's so funny, I feel like I never stop working until I close my eyes because so much ofit's on social media, even though my dad tells me that I need to get off my phone,I'm like, Dad, I'm trying to make that money while also stock my ex at the same time.I actually just tweeted to promote my own Twitter about naps.Like, I'm either recovering from a nap or, like, about to nap.I'm never just, like, awake.
49:02Oh, that's a good one.Yeah.I, like, I've been getting guilty now, like, around, if I want to, like, especiallyin the mid days of the week, if I try and nap during the week, I, like, feel, like, a realpiece of shit.But then you remind yourself, you're, like, working on Saturdays and Sundays, so, like,you have to give yourself some breaks.Yeah.
49:18I've been using my breaks now more for, like, emotional breakdowns.Yes.And emotional breakdowns, you need to give yourself a couple hours because you have, you have thelead up to it the breakdown then the recovery period recovery period yeah do you know that picture it's reallymaking into my nap time right now i know what the fuck and then there's an emotional breakdown likepost-depression nap you have to have a good depression nap i love the meme of Courtney cardashian who justlike looks kind of a mess and it's like me after my 10th emotional breakdown of the day uh because youalways just look like you just went to a spa like your hair's a little messy a little wet under the eye
49:55like a nice facial okay um this is a tough one when was the last time you let your pride get in theway of something all the time all the time well i think for me i have like a hard time like askingpeople for like help you know what you mean like i'll just i don't know like and you're so onyour own that could get so lonely yeah like especially in business like i hate asking like otherpeople for favors but like i sometimes like you know need to know shit and you'reYou're not like, no one's a jack of every trade.So it's like you might be great at the writing of stuff, but you're not necessarilythat good at pitching or you're not that good at like the accounting aspect of it.
50:36Like let people do what they're good at.Exactly.But you probably run into this too now, like that you're doing your own thing.Like you sometimes feel weird asking people, even though they're probably happy to helpyou.I know.It's just kind of like awkward.It is awkward.
50:49And sometimes when it's my friends, honestly, I try to just like pay them a little if Ilike need them to help me with an event or like with a production thing just to be like I'm notusing you yeah but also like deep down yeah it gets hard because like you want to ask someone wholikes you like your friend but then you also don't want to abuse the friendship yeah you know what I thinkis the honest like answer to that yeah is just this is what I've been doing I mean it hasn't workedyet but I really think it will one day is just to like I'm constantly like trying to help other peopleLike, any time, I just try and help other people.And then with the hopes that, like, someday, like, if I need help, someone will, like, pay it for.
51:29Whenever you help anyone, you put it in an Excel doc and you say exactly what you did and how long.And then when you need them, you fucking come back and you remember when I spent three hours helping you with that email list?Yeah, bitch, I need you now.On this date.On this date.You throw that shit back in them with numbers.Oh, that's smart.I should start doing that.
51:47I'm going to do that right now after this podcast, actually.That's actually really smart.Yeah.I'm going to work on my Excel.Yeah, like, I don't do favors, honey.Like, I look nice, but I'm going to come back at you soon.That's the world we live in, folks.Welcome to life.
52:00Okay, last question.When was the last time you lusted over someone?I feel like everyone...But I feel like everyone in L.A. is, like, so annoyingly hot.Like, in, like...The girls are really hot.I think the girls are hot.The guys are kind of metro.
52:18There's too metro for me.They're too pretty.They're too pretty, yeah.too pretty um i guess i'll say my boyfriend i lost over him um i also okay i do have like a weirdlike kind of like like serial not serial killer crush what's the um when somebody's too young for youoh well you're like a cougar i'm cougaring over what's that like rob centi i don't fucking knowhis name he's like oh yeah rob no noah centenio yes oh i sound so old we're so old wedon't even know his name but i saw him on that netflix like movie i didn't watch
52:51but it's um to all the guys girls are loving for and he's like like 16 he has like swag i'm 30 yearsold oh my god he has some like big dick energy so i want to know even though you're like reallybeautiful and successful you have hell and how do you cope with it okay my honest answer like what'scoming to me is that i always i'm a planner like i'm always like if i feel out of control in asituation my way of like dealing with it is to get some form of control which like we can't alwaysdo, but I just try and put some type of plan in place. So it's like take action. Yeah, I have totake action. So I will like, even if it's just doing the smallest thing, as long as I'm doingsomething. And you focus on what you can control in the situation. Right. At the end of the day,
53:36you just, you have yourself and you can have accountability for yourself. But also not being toohard on yourself if things don't go right. Yeah. That's very true. But it is, I mean, I think at the endof the day, like if you just know that you've done everything you can and should still not working out,at least you can like hang your hat on that you know i fucking did something and sometimes if you'reputting your all into something and it's not working it's the universe telling you to stop i hate to bethat person because everyone's like never quit follow your dreams but sometimes like if it doesn'tfeel right maybe it's not right yeah is that a morbid way to end this probably it's so sadbut i think okay just like make it possible because i'm in one of those like i have i'm having like
54:17struggles left and right where it's like I keep hitting walls yeah keep getting hit against thewall and I'm like trying so hard and then like she's just like not pushing through yeah and thatone I think one of the ways to deal with that is like yeah one of those answers is maybe theuniverse it's like a girl it ain't working for you like stop but I just try and like listen to like myheart and I'm like my heart is telling me like I'm not totally done yet like I'm gonna try it onemore time I'm gonna try it a different way and I feel like until I get to the point where I'm likeliving on the street like just to rephrase what I said obstacles are good because they're literallyjust lessons to make you better and better and better at where you're going and if you're going and
54:54you don't just want to accomplish it you want to be like I overcame shit yeah but if somethinglike deep down and your heart feels wrong and you're still pushing there's no reason to keeppushing if your heart isn't telling you that it's the right thing to do there we govery good anyway Sarah Merrill is so incredible she has the big kid problems podcastwhere she talks to experts about stuff and her funny friend.But I think you guys need to subscribe.Subscribe to Burning in Hell if you're not.Give us both five stars because that's just a nice thing to do and we love you.
55:28And then also follow Big Kid Problems on Instagram.She's hysterical.She does all her original content.She's the bitch.And then also Sarah Merrill has her own account.Yeah.That's pretty fun too.Like I'm into it.
55:41Yes.And I'm picky.Oh.Okay, guys, I will talk to you later.Bye.Thanks for coming to hell.
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