Berner Phone - Sarah Merrill: Big Kid Problems & No Plan B

Episode Date: May 21, 2019

She's the girl behind @bigkidproblems and she opens up to Hannah about feeling like she was born in the wrong place, her rebellious years, shitty internships, what it's like to look like cool barbie, why she got fired that one time, rolling panic attacks, how she almost got taken abroad, how taxes are fucked up, and why she moved to LA.Follow Hannah Berner on Instagram & Twitter: @beingbernzFollow Sarah Merrill on Instagram: @bigkidproblems--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Okay, guys, this is very exciting. I'm doing a crossover episode with Sarah Merrill, Big Kid Problems. I went on her podcast, the Big Kid Problem Podcast, where I talked about career changes and course correction, which I'm obsessed about. So after you're done with this episode, go to the Big Kid Problems podcast to hear me and Taylor Strecker drop some serious knowledge on your asses. Welcome to Burning Hell. Welcome to Hell. I'm your host Hannah Burner. And today, I am with Sarah Merrill. Are you nervous? A little bit.

Why? Just because I don't know what the hell you're going to ask me. I'm a little nervous. But you know what? I love a girl who's like, I don't know what's going to happen, but let's do this. Let's see what happens. So you are the founder of. Big Kid Problems on Instagram and Twitter, and I met you, I think, through, maybe through

Lindsay Hubbard of Summer House or through, I don't know, some social gathering, maybe through Betches. I think I met you, I think it was out of, like, a Betches event. Probably. Yeah. And I was like, you make memes, I make memes. I was like, we're meme sisters. And I also, what I love about you is you make your own original content.

Yeah, girl. You see other accounts that are just. like you know curating other people's original original memes how does it make you feel that you are like doing all the grunt work on your own and maybe other people are growing faster um i mean that's like been my experience like the whole time doing this is because i can't put out as much content as everybody else because they're making it posting six memes a day yeah and that i mean i guess that helps you grow faster um but yeah i just want to it's been like annoying the whole time but it's also helped in certain ways like when you make your own content at least people

when they when they repost you they retag you yep sometimes maybe like five percent of the time but in that five percent of the time it helps do you have good relationships as other meme accounts now to be like yeah that's me make sure you tag me yeah in the future yeah i have like a i have like a chunk and like now i feel like we're kind of like our own like window of i only see their memes and and they probably like we all just kind of like like each other shit yeah yeah But there's this weird underground meme community that we all, like, talk and that we all kind of have each other's backs. But you have a big account, you have, what, like, 350,000 followers?

We're getting close to 400, baby. Oh, hoo! I mean, half a million, that's crazy. But you also have a personal account. Yeah, my personal account is, like, I really, like, not thought. Why did you start it after? Tell me, like, the process of that. Um, so my personal account is really, like, my true personal account.

like i don't curate it yeah somebody somebody taught me that term like a year ago um we're old i know no it's kind of scary um but that's just like my personal shit like i post like like unfiltered photos like blurry club photos you know like it's it's not super curated i'm actually trying to make it a little bit better and more professional well now you're not only a meme page you have a podcast that just dropped. I'm so excited. It's called the Big Kid Problems podcast that I'm actually going on tomorrow so make sure you check out the Big Kid Problems podcast. Oh my God, that's so hard to say. So the big thing with my pod is I take a Big Kid Problem, which is basically like a young adult issue or struggle. We take one every week and then we're going to chat about it, like kind of like friends

talking at a bar and then I have an expert on to solve it. So our Big Kid Problem is going to be have a big career transition we had a better word for it oh like a path change yeah it was like a yeah it was a it's a a path change like you're going down one path which i'm obsessed with in life like i love changing shit up now i kind of dove into it because i have my so many things that i want to ask you about your account but let's rewind for the listeners and where were you born we're going to go way back when you came out of your mother's womb where were you i was in florida South Florida. So flat. South Florida.

Yeah. Okay. And then kind of give me a brief kind of coming of age. Yeah. So, I mean, I grew up in South Florida. And the whole time I was there, I wanted to get the fuck out. Okay. I really wanted to move to New York, like, ever since a young age.

How did you know New York? So I had an aunt and my cousins lived in New York. They were in, like, Long Island. But we would come every summer and, like, go into the city. And I was always like, oh, the city. So amazing. Do you have advice for people who feel like, they were born in the wrong place yeah um you can move like anybody anybody can fucking move

and that's what it's so crazy because like everyone saw me i mean i didn't like come from money i was just like i hustled like i saved up like all college i like worked four nights a week and was like bartending good for you bartending you make that guap like you make that wartending when i was 20 than i do now i know girls who did like battle service in miami and they were like honey I could have bought like four mansions. It's insane. But you don't want to ultimately stay in that path because one day you wake up and your tits are on the ground and you're like, I don't really want to do this anymore. Yeah.

Yeah, nightlife in general is tough. I love to sleep. I'm like a big sleeper. A woman by my own heart. This is an 11 a.m. podcast and I woke up at 10.30 feeling like it was the middle of the night. Girl, I set like three alarms for this. Like we are.

That means so much to me because it means you care. Just because you don't want to stay up late at night Or wake up really early Does not mean you're not on that hustle Because the second I'm up, I'm working It just takes me a while to get up Because I have possibly Whatever disorder that is, chronic fatigue

But I don't know I think I'm just tired a lot But enough about me, enough about me You bartended, you save money You moved to New York City Yeah, I moved everyone in my family Was like, you can't move to New York City Like that's insane, you don't have a job

And I was like, watch me watch me work yeah so i mean i just saved up and like literally that's all it takes is just like a nice like one little cushion and you just have to get out there where do you think you got that confidence from because like i'm not gonna lie that's balzy i i just like in my mind i there was no other option like it was weird like i was just like yeah this is what i'm doing and i don't have a plan B it's like your intuition was just like this is the only plan you need yeah like i was like you you gots to go so yeah i moved i um i lived in the n yu uh dorms amazing in that summer because i was like oh i'll just intern and like i'll get hired by my company and like everything's gonna work

out because that's what happens right yeah and then like that didn't happen no because corporate america is not as simple as it seems no after our parents were like oh my god corporate america that's how things work then when we tried to do it at a different time it's not as simple and it's almost like a way of controlling you. Like you have to go to the best college and pay the most money so that then you can get your internship at one of the top places. If you don't get into that, no one talks about what you do. Like if you don't get into the college and if you don't get that internship and then if you don't get hired after your internship, it's like no one talks about what you do and just creates like an anxiety-ridden millennial. Oh, I could go on on this topic for so long.

Because like look at what both you and I are doing. Did we, did our college degrees help this? I had a choice to go to Cornell because my mom went there and I was a tennis player. and pay a ton of money because I didn't give scholarships for tennis or go to University of Wisconsin where I'd get a full ride. And in my head, in my heart, I was like, you don't need that Ivy League degree to get where you want to go. Because I know that Ivy Leagues help you get the interview, but I'm like, I want to be an entrepreneur. I don't even need an interview. And I, in my heart of hearts felt that. Obviously, University of Wisconsin is an amazing school. Yeah. But, like, people are, like, spend their whole life trying to get into an Ivy.

And I'm like, it's what's inside that counts. It doesn't, the degree is just, like, a status thing. For sure. I mean, I do not come from, like, a, an Ivy League school. My mom was smart. My dad went to four different colleges. He's smart, too, but he just misbehaved. Yeah, I misbehaved, too.

I had, like, some, I had rebellious years. Tell me a little more about the rebellious years. Oh, God, can we not. See, you dropped it. You dropped it. You dropped and something to come at it. Because, no, but you must be a rebellious person. for your family to be like what are you doing to go to new york and then you just did it like where does that

rebellion come from yeah i don't i don't well i mean i always like i kind of felt like i had like the short end of the stick all light all of my life because i saw like my friends like i'll give you an example like cheerleading like i wanted to be a cheerleader so bad in high school and in middle school and um all my girlfriends like we were all on cheerleading together and like we'd go to practice and then like their parents would pick them up and like my parents were like we can't pick you up your school's 45 minutes away so I would like I would have to like wait I would like pretend like my parents were running late and then I would like go and take the city bus home you know like I was like but I was just like I wanted to do this so I'm going to make it happen either I'm like I can't do I can't be on the squad or I'll

just fucking make it work it's like your parents actually did something good by being kind of more difficult than other parents in that like you had to learn for yourself and not depend on them for sure but it like lit this like fucking fire because i would like be sitting at the city bus stop like dude this sucks i am not i'm getting the fuck out of here the second i can yeah so i mean so you get out yeah and you go to new york city you're in the n yu dorms what internship did you get i worked in the loreal PR department okay sounds dreamy sounds dreamy yeah so i am like you know know this is everything's happening on paper it looks great looks great i i get like this gorgeous like first day outfit show up the elevator doors open and like everything's in boxes i'm like what's going

on here and they're like oh like they shut down the department like wait what and like basically they had they had moved it it was just like three people then like on the team and they had like it wasn't it was actually lancom i shouldn't specify that and so like loreal was taking over like the PR and then like Lancombe didn't have its own like division anymore so I get there and I'm like oh there's not going to be a job for me at the end of this uh so um I was interning like three days a week there and so I'm like I have two other days a week maybe I can get an internship somewhere else also internships are so brutal like I went from being the captain of my tennis team to interning for digital marketing for a fashion boutique they literally didn't make our contact with me

the whole time. What? They were just like snooty fashion people and I went from feeling like, oh, fashion is rough. And as an intern, I was like, this is what I have to do, like just take people's bullshit. Like, I want to learn. But some internships are horseshit. Yeah. I'd say like 99.7%.

And you're not getting paid. No. Actually, I heard they changed that recently. I heard that like, yeah, like right after my year. They're like, you know, we're going to start paying interns. cool amazing this is fun so good for you so what else were you doing um so i was then i took an internship in another company two days a week um and then i was bartending because i wasn't getting paid at either one of those so i went to the standard beer garden and i was a beer girl just

knowing how to bartend seems like a great skill oh for sure regardless what happens in your life you're like i could always bartend oh for the record i am the worst bartender like i don't know any thing. Like, someone would just ask me for a drink. They'd ask for, like, a sexy drink. And I'm just like, here's a, you're a rum and coke. I'm going to make it strong for you. You sound like Jacks from Vanderpump Rules, if anyone watches that. But also, I just want listeners to know, and I don't mean to be, like, vapid, but you're, like gorgeous. You kind of look like, you look like a, like, cool Barbie doll. Oh, my God. That's the nicest compliment I've ever gone. Like, you look like Barbie issue of, like, a stick up our ass. Do you know you're pretty?

um i i don't i don't like think i'm like a turd you know yeah you know i'm not gonna be like a dick and be like no i hate everything about myself um but i've actually never asked that on this podcast i'm like do you know you're pretty that's literally what i did you just now i'm so sorry i feel attacked so how pretty do you think you are um so you come in this place all like pretty and i have to deal with that no but i am impressed that like it's 11 a m and you don't look like like it's the morning. Oh, well, I feel like it's the morning. Do you feel like being pretty has helped you with things? No, I actually thought it would help a lot more. You're like, this life was supposed to be easier. Look at me. Look at me. I actually like, it's funny. I, on my, I have merchandise for

making problems. One of like the first mugs I created was like too pretty to work. Like too pretty to work this hard. Um, because like that, it was just kind of like a joke that we had like in our office. We're like, we're cute. Like, why do we have to do all this shit? It's also funny because you pick one career. Like, you make memes. No one sees your face. Literally.

Like, literally no one sees your face. People think I'm a 14-year-old boy. I originally started Big Good Problems anonymously because I was trying to get a job. And I, you know, I didn't want to have all of this stuff out there under my name because I'm like, I need to like work. But you were doing it just for fun on the side? Yeah. Yeah. I was doing it just to, like, make my friends.

from school laugh would you consider yourself the funny friend um i mean yeah i guess but like people who meet me in person they're always kind of like oh we thought you would be like fucking funnier that's annoying i think it's because you're hot i'm just like low key like i'm like low key well you're the kind of person that if you you're not annoying like a lot of comedians are that take up a lot of space in the room like you listen yeah i like you yeah and if i take the time to shut the fuck up and listen to you you drop gold like you like even under your breath you'll say something I'm like that's she's funny yeah thank you yeah that's pretty much it and I'm sick of I'm gonna go on a rant but I'm sick of stand-up comedians acting like there's only one form of comedy like you have to be making jokes

for like old white men and they think it's funny for it to be comedy right like you're a writer yeah at my heart like that's like what I do I could see you writing a book oh I see that for you I've been very intuitive lately. I see you writing a book. I know I heard your episode where you were talking about being intuitive. I see you writing a book. Oh my God. Thank you.

That's like one of my life goals. You're going to do it. You're going to do it. Okay, so you can't find a job. You start big kid problems. I think a lot of people that listen, like follow me and they like my kind of trajectory and journey with my tweets, but like you're a legitimate, incredible meme page that's all original content.

How does one begin? um how does one begin i mean it's just it comes from being able to create content i mean there are so many mean pages i mean you can curate that's also another way it clearly works actually a lot faster that way um but i think if you can just because that's like the biggest thing for me is like i can just create content and i can create i can create i can create a lot of it have you always been creative um yeah well in the writing in the writing area but like i never really like owned that And then, I mean, yeah, I never really owned that. Well, I mean, because I was, like, good at other things in school that, just like we were

talking about earlier, like, we were kind of, like, fed that whole bullshit about, like, you have to, like, you know, do well in school. And writing isn't something that people make a lot of money with, which you're told. Exactly. You're not like, oh, go write something. I'm become a millionaire. Yeah. And then, like, same.

Like, I, you know, my whole goal is I was like, I want to, like, make a lot of money and, like, have this lifestyle that I've, like, I've dreamed of. so I you know I was good at school and wanted to like go to law school that was like my goal was like go to law school did you like yeah no when people like I wouldn't become a lawyer I'm like I don't even know what that entails yeah I'm like I can read good and like retain knowledge I can argue with my brother well it shows that you have that hustle that you could immediately be like yeah bitch I could be a lawyer if I want yeah I think I just saw legally blonde like one too many times and it just like it was I don't know I just like fucking grasped on to that I totally see that everyone like

that scene when she's on the treadmill you're like ooh I'm getting pumped up iconic Harvard law here recum so you have two internships oh my god yeah look okay I'm backtracking we're backtracking yeah um yeah so I end up getting a job in PR because that's my internships were four and then like actually like seven months into that. I got let go. Wow. So that was brutal. Why? Um, I had my idea of like what a good employee was and like what their definition of a good employee was were totally different things. Like they wanted me to like be out at the clubs like super late night like spying on celebrities so we could like trade placements and like it's just like a weird world and I'm like I like to be in bed, you know. Also like you need to get paid a lot if you're going to be working like

all hours of the day. Yeah. I mean, obviously, they're not going to do that. Publicity is weird because sometimes it can be, like, sketchy. Yeah, that's, like, not my vibe at all. I'm like, I don't want to, like, go. It's, like, gossip land, but, like, also, like, mind games. Like, oh, I have this about Ryan Gosling. I'll give you that if you don't put the story about Teresa Judice.

And then, like, that stuff, it's so, such mind-fuckery. Mm-hmm. It's like reality TV on crack. Yeah. It's like, it's a completely different. So you basically were like, I don't want to do that. Yeah, I kind of like just wasn't like playing the game the way that they wanted me to. They're like if you're like a first year, like you need to be, you're like in your light younger 20s, like be out at the clubs.

Like do that stuff. So it was, it was the right move. But that was actually like the hardest period of time in my whole life because I don't- Getting fired is an ego punch. Oh, yeah. Right to the fucking like. Especially in the beginning of your career when you're like, I'm going to be great. Yeah.

And they just kick you in the shin. How did you deal with that? It was actually like the worst time in my whole life. Like I looked back, just because I was so panicked. You're probably very lonely. Very lonely. And I was like, I feel like I failed. It was like my first big failure.

And then I not only was it a big failure for me, but then also I'm like, I didn't have any money. Like that job barely paid me anything. Like I was barely scrapping by as is. So I'm like, I can't afford rent next month. um so i started like my like every all the shit started to spiral and i'm like i like this was my dream to come here in new york and like if i don't get a job immediately like it's over and new york will chew you up and spit you out yes new york doesn't give a fuck about you but if you can like hold on and take the punches new york will embrace you yeah yeah so i i that's exactly

what was having i took i took my beating i got my beating um And eventually, I mean, it was, like, rough. Like, I was having, like, panic attacks, like, daily. Had you ever had anxiety before? I had, like, a traumatic experience earlier in life that I had experienced a panic attack. And then it all came back, like, then I was having rolling panic attacks, which have you ever heard of that? No.

This is, like, a unique situation where you have, like, you think of a panic attack and you start to come down off of your panic attack, and then you go right back up to another one And then right back down. So it's like merged panic attacks? Yeah. How long could this take? From hell. I was having rolling a panic attacks for like two weeks, which is like horrific.

And like not sleeping. So like it wouldn't stop for two weeks? No. And like couldn't sleep. Like so that was like really, really bad. My friend was like finally like you need to like get some help. Yeah. Because you, this is like you're not.

This is something that alone you can't handle. Yeah. Can you tell me what traumatic experience? grants did you have in your past oh man that's a long story we don't have enough time but basically i went to um between the time of when i but when i graduated college and moved to new york i went on a euro trip with some friends and i stayed longer than my friends and traveled around solo and i got into a really bad um situation like almost taken yeah it was it was it was pretty bad um that's a whole other story and you had a panic attack there yeah that was the first time i

had rolling panic attacks basically you thought that you were being kidnapped yeah i was like i'm never gonna see my family again like it was for real like bad um and it was rolling that that's when i when i mean like a not just a panic attack like it was like it rolled over several days it was horrible so while you were almost getting kidnapped you were having this rolling panic attack yeah that was the first time I had ever experienced a panic attack in my life. And they were like, I don't want to kidnap this person because she keeps telling you attack. They're like, whoa. Not to make a kidnap joke when my dad would always joke with me and he'd be like, I'm not

worried about you getting kidnapped because they'll just like beg me to take you back. Yeah, they're like, this girl's like high maintenance. They're like, she asked too many questions. I'm like, so what was the most traumatic thing that ever happened to you? I'm cracking myself up. So after your life flashes before your eyes in Europe, yeah did that do you think that changed your perspective on life in a positive way or it scared the shit out of you to what life can actually be like both um it definitely it shifted like everything

for me uh because like my priorities in life completely changed like i was like 22 coming out of college like living it up you know like partied really hard was so excited to come to new york yeah completely invincible like when i get nervous if i was walking home late in new york city when I was like in high school I would like put my hood over my head so they couldn't see that I had long hair and I would like I remember once I went shopping I put a huge bag under my coat so I looked like I was pregnant and I'm like no one would have a pregnant person right but like that's a two for one exactly oh god it's so fucked up for just like you're sick like me I like you but but please explain like that those moments in life where something so scary happens does change your

perspective yeah fear is like because we think like we know fear you know and then i i i remember thinking this like when this was happening because i'd been like scared of things before and i was like this is like another fear this is like another this is a this is like a this is like a whole other level of um you know like my life will never be the same after experiencing this oh um my friends when i find out that my mom makes me take the public school bus yeah this is like oh i might never see my family again yeah like yeah you just got involved with the wrong guys no i mean it's like a whole long story but i just i just wound up in a bad situation and then ended up like getting lost i got robbed completely blind i had no cards no um money i ended up in like i don't even know which country

i was in at one point like it's a whole long how did you get out um i basically i had it was so funny because when i was traveling in europe my mom made me wear this um like a goofy or she had given me like this goofy fucking like belt that you wear under your clothes with money and I had put like a $50 euro bill in there like left it in my bag like I wasn't going to fucking wear it by the end of that trip that shit was like strapped on and I used that $50 euro bill to get like a train pass to get me back to my flight that was like scheduled to leave I ended up not making that flight it's a whole long story Hannah yeah no but I love this is interesting to me because like most people don't have this story. No, exactly. But I'll get to, because that's too long to go into the details, but what came

out of that. Yeah, that's what I'm interested in. Me experiencing that, I really, like, you know, I had come out. I mentioned earlier, I was, like, a little bit of a rebellious child. I kind of, like, resented my parents for, like, making me, like, take the city bus and, like, you know, not giving me the things that I saw my friends having. I came out of that, and I was like, I am so grateful for these people. These are the ones who, like, love me most on this earth. I loved my family Like petty shit doesn't seem as Betty shit is like fuck at all

Like just be nice to each other Like kind to each other Like everybody like deserves like love and happiness Like I was just like I don't like I You know It really was life changing It really was a blessing Yeah but on the flip side

Because you asked you're like Did you come out of this positive Or did you it also I mean I came back from that trip And I was scheduled to move to New York City A week later And I was like oh I was like I don't know

if I can do this. I always say like my big traumatic moment was 9-11 growing up in New York City and I started playing tennis like right during that time. So I always had like 9-11 anxiety connected to my tennis. Like tennis would bring my family happiness where 9-11 like when I'd win. So it were 9-11 with so much sadness. So I almost felt pressure with like my tennis to like keep my family happy. Whoa. so like what you're doing like sometimes just timing of traumatic events like you're going to new york which is traveling alone after that traumatic experience like of course you're going to have some hindering anxiety after it sounds like you did not really um properly like treat that experience and heal or process it yeah so that's exactly what happened is i didn't deal with it i was like just

shove it shove it down in there you're like we're like we're going to Good. We made it back. We couldn't go back. But then it came back. So when I got laid off and those things, all the things started to happen and I was like, oh my God, I'm going to, I'm not going to be able to afford my apartment and I'm not going to be able to get another job and all this stuff happened. Then those like rolling panic attacks.

It's happening again. It's something bad's going to happen. Yeah, it all came back. Because now you know, it's really that out of control feeling. Yeah. And you getting fired puts you like so out of control because it wasn't in your hands. Right. Okay. So you're having rolling panic attacks.

you're in a foreign city you have PTSD it's not looking good for you I have a lot of content though like big kid problems is thriving so so when did you start big kid problems I started that in college so oh yeah so you'd already been doing it um when you first started did it pop off I mean for me yeah and like a hundred people followed me on Twitter yeah so it started just on Twitter uh Hannah I'm a little bit older than you. Not by much, but not by much. I'm like, why weren't you on Instagram? We didn't have Instagram when I was in college. No, I'm just kidding. I didn't start Instagram until like 2013. Yeah, that's like when it started. I graduated 2011. So you were like making your jokes on Twitter. Yeah, I was making jokes on Twitter and then, um, which is where the

humor originates most of the time. Yeah. And then actually, so my favorite Twitter at the time was White Girl Problems. Did you ever follow that? Oh my God. I loved White Girl Problems. It was so good. Oh my God. I retweeted them I retweeted them and there's also New York City problems that's where big kid problems came from

that name was like a placeholder name but I was like oh all these problems account and I'm like what's my thing and I was like oh well I don't really want to be an adult I'm a big kid

yeah so I was like why do not want to be an adult well I was just I was getting ready to graduate and I was like oh I have to like do all these real things like you know I have to figure out like what all of this means

and weird things like oh I have to sign a lease like and I need to prove of all of these things. I'm like, what is... Taxes? Yeah. When I first saw what income tax was, I was like,

this is robbery. Yeah. Why has no one told me about this? Why is no one fighting for this? I'm like, 34% of my fucking hard work goes... What? Isn't it more than that? In New York.

In New York, who the fuck knows? It's like, it feels closer to 50. In New York, when I first got my tax, whatever, W-9, I didn't, or W-2, who the fuck knows? I didn't check the right box. and they weren't taking my New York state tax and I got a call from my tax my accountant at the end of the year and he goes are you sitting down and I'm like what's up and he goes you owe thousands of dollars and I was like what what are you talking about apparently it said like do you want to not pay tax state taxes and I was like now I thought I could just say no I'm good anyway I've talked to so many people who have had that same story that's horrible no one teaches you exactly like we go into that's the whole thing. Why would you ask me if I want to pay it or not, if I have to pay it anyway? So you're in college, you start tweeting. You have like a hundred followers or so.

Oh, I got more. I got more than that on campus because then there was like, like, whisperings of like, oh, there's biggie problems is apparently like from our school. You know, and so it got like a little bit popular. Okay, give me some numbers. I don't remember. Probably. It was under a thousand. Okay. But do you have like a couple hundred? Yeah, but it was like, I saw those numbers going up every day and I was like, oh, this is cool. And were you having trouble coming up with tweets or it was always just like so organic for you? So easy, so organic. That's like to this day.

I mean, I can like bust out like 20 big problems right now. Do you ever have a fear that you can't? Yes. I mean, because sometimes, some days I can't. Because I like every now and then will stop and you know when you're not in the creative mindset and you're like, oh my God, what if I can never think of another funny tweet? No. Which is so not like same.

It always comes back. It's not saying, but it's something I would like make up in my head and I'm like, what if it's done it's it's done it's um so you're tweeting where were you once you got fired numbers wise oh i don't know i might have been around like 10 000 on on twitter um on twitter yes and i guess this might have been still before instagram um yeah but i think i was around that 10 000 did you ever think you can monetize it um i didn't think i then i don't think so i think i was like oh this could potentially, I think I saw that white girl problems had a book and I was like this could potentially lead to other projects like a book. And I love that. And that's my life goal.

I love that it was like another entrepreneurial woman who was kind of showing you the way of what you can do. Yeah. Well, apparently white girl problems is a guy. Well, you know, oh, what's it? I don't know. Whatever. Anyway, continue. After you got fired, you had like 10,000 followers. You weren't sure if you could monetize it, but you were like excited about it. Yeah. So I, I just kept, I mean, all of these problems that I was having like gave me a lot of content and I mean I was like putting shit out there that was very real very raw and people were relating to it I started growing the following faster and faster so you were being pretty open about your issues only on big kid I mean not on my personal no never no oh god no um but yeah on big kid I was like I was like throwing out

some real shit like about like depression and anxiety but in a funny way but in a funny way yeah yeah um and people like responded pretty well to that were you were you depressed um no i i i feel like when it comes to depression like i think that that is like so bad like i think of anxiety as like you're digging a hole yeah and if you go down far enough you can reach depression um i've definitely like tasted it at like certain points but i've never stayed there yeah um so i wouldn't say i was ever depressed but i've definitely like suffered from anxiety it's true like with i could see you getting depressed about your rolling anxiety by feeling like you're stuck in it but it sounds like you never felt like you had no hope of not having a rolling anxiety yeah yeah and when it when it rolls like that

you just kind of go deeper and deeper and deeper and then you're like how the hell do I get out of this exactly yeah so then big I'm like so fascinated by like how you got to where you are now for big kid problems what was the trajectory like from 10,000 um the thing is is like everybody always asked me you know like what was like the big thing that like put you on the map And honestly, I mean, I've just been doing this for eight years. Wow. Putting up content three times a day. I've just been like consistent.

So you do three Instagram posts a day? I try to do three a day. Not some days or not as good as others, but I usually aim for three. Where did you get that number from that made you feel like that was a good number? It was really kind of just like I looked at my peak times and I felt like people were like commuting and then like looking at their phones at lunch break and then like at night. I mean, night is always the best. afraid of like annoying people no I mean I think I read some of these other accounts like

girl with no job will post like five times a day it's like her number yeah um and so I think the more you post like the better it is to get those numbers higher yeah but I was just like I don't want to sacrifice like having to put up too much of other content like I want to keep it mostly mine yeah so I kept it at three yeah yeah and but you also don't want to sacrifice the quality of your tweets just to post one right exactly like I want to keep it it like high quality so eight so eight years i actually have a new word that i'm trying to um push it's it's called preem what is that so it's like it's like premium slash supreme it's just preem oh so like preem concept i know preem is happening the fact that big your problem just said preem is happening

you guys get on the bandwagon it's in like i just love saying it like preem it's like feels very like sexy The only problem is some people say it sounds too much like a premature child. Or I was thinking premature ejaculation. Or premature ejaculations. But you know what? Prime has its faults. It's so do all of us. All of us.

I'm into it. So when I met you as like the already established big kid problems, you were like, yeah, I quit my job. Yeah. What job was that? I mean, I had, oh, God. It's like hard to. like keep track of my career trajectory um i ended up i would i ended up doing uh working in a sales role okay i became director of sales for a creative recruiting firm and that was the job i left i was

doing really well there there's good money in that yeah i was making really good money i like loved my bosses like loved people i worked with was doing really really well you know actually i actually listened to this podcast with i mean not to go like two off the rails here but i was listening i love my like personal development podcast and uh there was an interview with sarah blakley do you know who sarah blakley yes from spanks spanks yes obsessed with her um but she was kind of talking about how she left her job and like like chased her passion at 27 and like the quote that inspired her was um this life is in a dress rehearsal and i it like hit me oh i love that yeah it like hit me i was like dude like this isn't a dress rehearsal like this is your life you're living right now like

time's ticking time's ticking yeah i exactly like if you're going to put all of your energy into something else that's like not really fulfilling you and like you love this other project like you got to go all in and that's where money starts to look very like gray like you're like cool I'm going to tell stories to my kids about the money that was in my bank account like no one gives a shit at the end of the day yeah don't you think that's like different from our generation to like the last generation so different because I mean my mom was basically like yeah I was the first like women and my family to go to college and have a career and that's a fucking great story yeah but for me i'm like i want to i have more shit

that i want to say and i don't have to prove that like women can go to college my mom had a trailblaze that for me yeah so what triggered you to be like this job is great i love my bosses everyone supportive i'm outy yeah i mean so i kind of realized i was like if i want to build this to like the place that i really want to i need to like focus my time and energy in this and i can't like i can't do both Do you remember how big it was on Instagram at that time? I think it was like, I think it was like 200,000. That's a lot. Were you monetizing it yet?

Yeah, I was monetizing. That was the other thing too is I was like, I'm going to walk away from this job where I'm making a lot of money, but I have a savings. I have like these projects that are, I have like, you know, these brands I'm working with that I'm going to get paid from. Like I wasn't walking out to zero. I had some things set up. You ever worried that doing sponsorships would hinder like your engagement or like

people get mad at you yeah i mean that's like that's like a weird thing because and and i don't know if you've noticed on my account i don't do many sponsors yeah i've never seen one yeah i really i i keep it i i don't do many um but and that's because like i want to keep it like pretty authentic yeah and also like i don't get many but then where you make your money so i mean if i get one or two of those a month if like if it lines up it works out yeah it's just crazy for me to think that like all your income is is all your income from the Instagram so right now right now I mean I was I was consulting in social media okay that's great so I was making doing that as well and then the last six months I moved to LA and um I so I stopped consulting so really I've had to like rely

heavily on on just my Instagram for my income and it's like hasn't been hasn't been great and then also I mean I wanted to develop this podcast so I've actually been like spending money developing my podcast um but i just like i don't know why it's like the same thing like from when i moved to new york and i was just like there is no other option like i have to do this like i was like i have to do this like i have such a clear vision for what i want from this podcast and i'm gonna fucking do it it seems just like a natural next step so why did you move to lay so i wish i had like a cooler story but um my boyfriend you're like i got abducted again uh my boyfriend kidnapped me yeah he kind of did um he had to move for work and we actually did like I didn't want to move right away

yeah I remember you having a lot of emotions about it yeah I mean I never thought I was gonna leave New York I love New York where did you meet him we met um we met in New York um actually the work is twin set us up summer house connection they set you up yeah they haven't sent me up for shit they knew him from California because he's he's born and raised California okay um but he showed up to my 25th birthday party and I was looking good you're like I'm pretty bitch I was looking good okay and did he catch your eye immediately um well what's funny is like he already had the huge crush on me because he had been like texting them like who's this girl on all your photos um and so like I knew like they had told me like oh bring that's interest you and yeah he it was like all over his

face like he met me and it was just like meeting like fucking he was already wrapped you on your little thing guy. It is cute. And did you like him? Yeah. Yeah, I liked him. I liked him. I wasn't, like, I was also, I mean, I'm like, tell me how this works, but he was dating New York City, how does that happen? I mean, I feel bad for the guy because I had, the whole time he was sending Lauren, the work as twins, like my photo. They're like, she has a boyfriend. Like, it's not going to happen because I had been dating this other guy for two years and like had my heart broken and then and then I met him of course like right after that like two months after that so did you feel emotionally ready to like be involved with someone I mean I thought I did but like now

looking back I'm like no like you were definitely not ready and I put him through like I it was but he helped you get over that last dude it's almost like he was the rebound end the real guy in one yeah but he like he's earned his stripes like he went through some shit I couldn't do hell are you to the guy who broke your heart your heart How is he different than that guy? Oh, totally different. How so? In every way, shape, and form.

And he's actually totally different than anybody have ever dated. Really? Yeah. Well, because I, and this is funny, because I've heard you say this on your podcast, I, like, always went for, like, the tall guy, the athlete, similar humor, like, funny. You know, I always, like, wanted those kind of connections. And, like, he is, like, definitely, like, the more, like, quieter, you know, he, he's, still talk on you're like bitch i'm not going to sacrifice that yeah but he um is much more low-key

he's like very like he's like much more of a listener and it's just like i love listeners yeah he's so sweet and like just like the nicest guy like if we were at a party like he would make an effort to like go to the person who's like not talking to anybody and like strike up a conversation with that so he's like hubby material yeah i think it's fun to date the party boys when you're younger and learn how they're not good for you and rip your heart out yeah lately i'm so into shy guys because I'm like what's it like to be shy I'm like let me see what your world is like and it's fascinating to me where other guys I'm like should we just talk over each other for two hours and then have sex cool yeah like let's get our each one of our stories out but there is something

to be said about like the ying and yang of a relationship like yeah yeah like you probably need your yang a hundred percent and I also have a side to me that like I like to be really quiet and turned off or like I like to just be like are we the same person we might be like I have a side that's so performative and then I have a side that's like I just want to like worry about the future for like an hour and be like helpless and I like someone who's just really calm

and confident they're like you're good because I feel like I'm everyone's hype girl sometimes and sometimes I just need someone to be like hey you're good yeah like a sturdy sturdy like sturdy like rock steady like mella yeah yeah and I'm like starting to realize that um we're going to end with the seven deadly sins

seven deadly sins what are you greedy about I'm greedy about my time like for sure I just don't like to like give my time to people so will you just straight up say no I'm not available yeah like a lot like I don't go to things unless I like want to go

there's a freedom to that isn't there for sure and then you once you start saying no i feel like your friends start realizing like oh i can't assume that she'll always be everywhere and they like it's easier to say no in the future yeah and it makes the times that you do go out like much more valuable oh yeah your friends appreciate you way more when you're not around it's so true it's so true i mean i've been like away from new york for the last few months and like everyone's loving on me so hard i come here that's the trick do not make yourself too available to anyone go home and sleep who are you envious of um i'm not really like an envious person i'm always like if i see some

something that somebody has that i want i'm like always like i'll more so like use that constructively i'm like oh what are they doing like let me fucking use that it's like your your story with sarah blakley is that her name yeah oh you know what i would say i'm envious of like so because we're in the social media space like of other accounts that blow up overnight Like, I am envious of bachelor, like, yodeling kid. Like, I'm fucking envious. Like, I've been working at this, like, like, three posts a day, all day, eight years. And, like, yodeling kid, like, yodeled in a Walmart and has eight million followers.

Well, I feel like people would feel that way towards me, like, actresses who've been working their whole life to, like, get on TV. And then I'm like, I will fart in the hot tub. And people are like, you're a star. We're putting you on TV. So I, like, understand it. And it's kind of like, everyone was going to have their waves of success. And, like, also, what you've done, like, you have so much. knowledge behind it and you have so much like that's why you're shown your podcast that's why you're

going to have a book in the future because you put your heart and soul into this and you have the knowledge to expand off of it true and also sometimes when people have like crazy success overnight they have imposter syndrome and that sucks so good luck with that bitch um what are you gluttonous about um because you look like cool Barbie's like what does cool Barbie get glottness about um i'm goodness about like skincare oh my god i love see that's something like in your personal i'd like to see more of really yeah i am like a psycho oh my god i'm a total psycho that's why i've like you look like you look like you're 24 oh my god thank you so you look like you're 24 i would love to see a um morning regimen yeah i'm i'm i i am like i try everything and then i like actually just found

like these products that i'm obsessed with i think so much of the skincare industry is bullshit yeah like they're like oh this has collagen oh this is this and you're like you're just making me spend so much money when I don't understand yeah I'm like very diligent about like trying products and like seeing the actual results and I finally like when I find something to see that yeah you have so many variables for sure um I find like when I finally find something that I love like I have like yeah can you give a piece of advice for audience for like a product yeah because my thing is the skincare industry does so well at like bullshitting you because it runs on such a strong fear of women aging. So it's like, don't age, you need this. And you're like, okay, here's $300. Yeah, like, don't make me old. Oh, my God, I could do a whole other podcast about that. I say a big thing is...

Like you don't have an under eye. Girl. Yeah, I do. I have makeup on. Okay. You have no. False. Fake news.

My big thing is I use, like, this hydrating oil. now on my skin. Like right after I wash my face, I put my hydrating oil on. And I also, this is so important to your younger listeners, put it on your neck and put it on your declotage. Bitch. That's what my that's what my Nana still got it would say if anyone follows her. Oh my God. I saw her. She's an icon. Her whole thing. Were you at the, you were? No, no, no. I saw. I saw her on Instagram. On Instagram. Okay. Yeah. She's all about the declatage and the neck. Next question. When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath? I guess it's probably my dog.

Oh my God, that's so cute. Wait, what's your dog's name again? Tucker, he has an Instagram, the good boy, Tucker. I feel like Tucker broke up with me in a past life. He's like a fuck boy. I can tell by his name. He's a total fuck boy. And he knows he's cute.

He knows he's cute. He gets away with everything. Like he just like tore up my entire, like, if you follow him on Instagram, I mean, I'm posting videos all the time because he's like doing bad shit all the time. He's a bad boy. He's a bad boy. What did you get mad about recently? He tore at my entire fucking couch.

Couches are expensive. I know. It was like an outdoor couch too. Did he know he was being bad? Yeah. Like what he does is I looked at the couch and I like floss my mind for a two seconds. Started yelling at him and he just like wags his tail. Oh, so he just wanted attention.

He does bad things for attention. He should see a psychologist about that. He has some serious like issues. When you get mad at him, what do you do? Like do you like spray him with water? Like what do people do? I actually want to start doing that. because he's just a little dick right now.

Yeah. He doesn't understand. There are repercussions for your actions, Tucker. Yeah, seriously. Maybe you should text someone back sometimes, Tucker. Okay, sorry, I'm yelling. When was the last time you were a sloth? Because, like, you run your own business.

You could be a sloth sometimes if you want, or do you get scared because you will be broke if you're a sloth? That's actually a funny question. I mean, in my heart, I'm like a sloth all the time. I love my sleeps. I love my sleep. Sleeps, on sleeps, on sleeps. That's my hashtag, middle name.

Yeah, that is the thing, though, is, like, running my own shit now, it's like you can't stop or, like, you don't make any money. It's so funny, I feel like I never stop working until I close my eyes because so much of it's on social media, even though my dad tells me that I need to get off my phone, I'm like, Dad, I'm trying to make that money while also stock my ex at the same time. I actually just tweeted to promote my own Twitter about naps. Like, I'm either recovering from a nap or, like, about to nap. I'm never just, like, awake.

Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. I, like, I've been getting guilty now, like, around, if I want to, like, especially in the mid days of the week, if I try and nap during the week, I, like, feel, like, a real piece of shit. But then you remind yourself, you're, like, working on Saturdays and Sundays, so, like, you have to give yourself some breaks. Yeah.

I've been using my breaks now more for, like, emotional breakdowns. Yes. And emotional breakdowns, you need to give yourself a couple hours because you have, you have the lead up to it the breakdown then the recovery period recovery period yeah do you know that picture it's really making into my nap time right now i know what the fuck and then there's an emotional breakdown like post-depression nap you have to have a good depression nap i love the meme of Courtney cardashian who just like looks kind of a mess and it's like me after my 10th emotional breakdown of the day uh because you always just look like you just went to a spa like your hair's a little messy a little wet under the eye

like a nice facial okay um this is a tough one when was the last time you let your pride get in the way of something all the time all the time well i think for me i have like a hard time like asking people for like help you know what you mean like i'll just i don't know like and you're so on your own that could get so lonely yeah like especially in business like i hate asking like other people for favors but like i sometimes like you know need to know shit and you're You're not like, no one's a jack of every trade. So it's like you might be great at the writing of stuff, but you're not necessarily that good at pitching or you're not that good at like the accounting aspect of it.

Like let people do what they're good at. Exactly. But you probably run into this too now, like that you're doing your own thing. Like you sometimes feel weird asking people, even though they're probably happy to help you. I know. It's just kind of like awkward. It is awkward.

And sometimes when it's my friends, honestly, I try to just like pay them a little if I like need them to help me with an event or like with a production thing just to be like I'm not using you yeah but also like deep down yeah it gets hard because like you want to ask someone who likes you like your friend but then you also don't want to abuse the friendship yeah you know what I think is the honest like answer to that yeah is just this is what I've been doing I mean it hasn't worked yet but I really think it will one day is just to like I'm constantly like trying to help other people Like, any time, I just try and help other people. And then with the hopes that, like, someday, like, if I need help, someone will, like, pay it for.

Whenever you help anyone, you put it in an Excel doc and you say exactly what you did and how long. And then when you need them, you fucking come back and you remember when I spent three hours helping you with that email list? Yeah, bitch, I need you now. On this date. On this date. You throw that shit back in them with numbers. Oh, that's smart. I should start doing that.

I'm going to do that right now after this podcast, actually. That's actually really smart. Yeah. I'm going to work on my Excel. Yeah, like, I don't do favors, honey. Like, I look nice, but I'm going to come back at you soon. That's the world we live in, folks. Welcome to life.

Okay, last question. When was the last time you lusted over someone? I feel like everyone... But I feel like everyone in L.A. is, like, so annoyingly hot. Like, in, like... The girls are really hot. I think the girls are hot. The guys are kind of metro.

There's too metro for me. They're too pretty. They're too pretty, yeah. too pretty um i guess i'll say my boyfriend i lost over him um i also okay i do have like a weird like kind of like like serial not serial killer crush what's the um when somebody's too young for you oh well you're like a cougar i'm cougaring over what's that like rob centi i don't fucking know his name he's like oh yeah rob no noah centenio yes oh i sound so old we're so old we don't even know his name but i saw him on that netflix like movie i didn't watch

but it's um to all the guys girls are loving for and he's like like 16 he has like swag i'm 30 years old oh my god he has some like big dick energy so i want to know even though you're like really beautiful and successful you have hell and how do you cope with it okay my honest answer like what's coming to me is that i always i'm a planner like i'm always like if i feel out of control in a situation my way of like dealing with it is to get some form of control which like we can't always do, but I just try and put some type of plan in place. So it's like take action. Yeah, I have to take action. So I will like, even if it's just doing the smallest thing, as long as I'm doing something. And you focus on what you can control in the situation. Right. At the end of the day,

you just, you have yourself and you can have accountability for yourself. But also not being too hard on yourself if things don't go right. Yeah. That's very true. But it is, I mean, I think at the end of the day, like if you just know that you've done everything you can and should still not working out, at least you can like hang your hat on that you know i fucking did something and sometimes if you're putting your all into something and it's not working it's the universe telling you to stop i hate to be that person because everyone's like never quit follow your dreams but sometimes like if it doesn't feel right maybe it's not right yeah is that a morbid way to end this probably it's so sad but i think okay just like make it possible because i'm in one of those like i have i'm having like

struggles left and right where it's like I keep hitting walls yeah keep getting hit against the wall and I'm like trying so hard and then like she's just like not pushing through yeah and that one I think one of the ways to deal with that is like yeah one of those answers is maybe the universe it's like a girl it ain't working for you like stop but I just try and like listen to like my heart and I'm like my heart is telling me like I'm not totally done yet like I'm gonna try it one more time I'm gonna try it a different way and I feel like until I get to the point where I'm like living on the street like just to rephrase what I said obstacles are good because they're literally just lessons to make you better and better and better at where you're going and if you're going and

you don't just want to accomplish it you want to be like I overcame shit yeah but if something like deep down and your heart feels wrong and you're still pushing there's no reason to keep pushing if your heart isn't telling you that it's the right thing to do there we go very good anyway Sarah Merrill is so incredible she has the big kid problems podcast where she talks to experts about stuff and her funny friend. But I think you guys need to subscribe. Subscribe to Burning in Hell if you're not. Give us both five stars because that's just a nice thing to do and we love you.

And then also follow Big Kid Problems on Instagram. She's hysterical. She does all her original content. She's the bitch. And then also Sarah Merrill has her own account. Yeah. That's pretty fun too. Like I'm into it.

Yes. And I'm picky. Oh. Okay, guys, I will talk to you later. Bye. Thanks for coming to hell.