Berner Phone - Sydnee Washington: Part-Time Lesbians & Full-Time Content Creators

Episode Date: May 1, 2019

Comedian Sydnee Washington goes to hell to explain how she was an ugly duckling, why depression is her best friend, how she used to be a part-time lesbian, why she wants to be the hotter one in the relationship, why body positivity annoys her, how she wants assets, napping at work, why dudes don’t like her, and she and Hannah do some Depression ASMR. Follow Hannah Berner on Instagram & Twitter: @beingbernz Follow Sydnee Washington on Instagram: @justsydbw --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to burning hell, welcome to hell, everyone. It's especially hot in here today because I have Sydney Washington. She is a killer, killer, killer comedian. She's the host of the unofficial expert. Then you also have a show weekly at the Knitting Factory 9 p.m. on Sundays. What's it called? Comedy at the Knit. Comedy at the Knit.

And The In Factory, that's in Brooklyn, right? Mm-hmm. That place is, like, hot. Yeah, it is. It's a really good, it's a great show. It's a great venue. So you're the unofficial expert, but what is something that you're actually an expert? Actually an expert at?

Mm-hmm. I think I'm an expert at networking. Ooh. To be honest, yeah. Ooh, what makes you good at that? Um, just, I'm really personable. I put everything out on the table really quickly so people feel like they know me

but I don't even know myself so it's fine It's true I mean very easy to get along with So when I network it doesn't feel like I'm networking It just feels like I'm just being me I think that's so important even to put into dating It's like first date you put that shit out there You let them know you let them know what's up

And then it's either going to be A great long-term thing Or if it's not meant to be You don't want to connect with people who don't connect with you, networking or sexually, or friend-wise. So I think you're smart. That's what I do, you know? And I would say over the years, I've made a lot of really good friends.

I'm also know that a lot of them is drifting off because of comedy. But I would say for the most part, I'm really good at having everlasting relationships with individuals. How do you think comedy has negatively affected your relationships? I mean, I'm just become a narcissist And It's self-aware I'm self-aware

And I'm always Promoting something And that's not what Normal people do That's not what civilians do They live in the moment And so I'm constantly like

Come to a show Ooh, I'm doing this I just got this audition And you know Unless I'm talking about Babies or marriage Normal women don't want to hear that shit Because you're from New York City

Right? Yes. Where originally? New York Where in New York? I'm like, what are the cross streets? Oh, Harlem. Harlem, okay, and then you went out to California, right?

Yes, when I was two, and I lived in Oakland, California from two to 13. Wow. And then came back to New York. Okay, so you have this bi-coastal vibe going on. It's very interesting to me. Yes. If you ask me for directions, I will be very nice about it, but I'm going to give you the wrong directions. That is beautiful.

I went to L.A. for the first time this last week. It's different. It is. different. What's your opinion on New York versus L.A.? Considering you're actually educated in both because I would just talk shit before I even go in L.A. I was like, those fake motherfuckers. But now I learned

there's cool things happening there. Yeah, well, I was there for three weeks in March. And honestly, I really loved L.A. They took me in with open arms. But that's because I'm skinny and pretty and talented. So I am

privileged because I'm not just like average quote quote person just going into L.A. I already have the skills. Well, you've been in the game for a bit. Six years. Six years. Six years. Six years. Six years. Sidney fascinates me because I was doing

Betches videos and I was like, oh, I need a female actor and this guy was like, you have to get Sidney. She's gorgeous. I was like, yeah, well, I need her to be funny. I don't care if she's gorgeous. And he's like, no, she's a comedian. And I'm like, who's this bitch? Who's this model bitch? Cracking jokes, something right? So I want to know from you,

what's your deepest insecurity? Deepest insecurity? Mm-hmm. Ooh. Physical. Let's start with physical. Physical? Because this bitch has a very symmetrical face.

That's a lie. She doesn't need makeup, but she puts makeup on. That's a lie. And several photos that I've seen recently, I'm like, did I have a stroke? Why is one part of my face drooping and the other face, like the other side very tight? Do you have a good side and a bad side? Oh, yeah. I would say my left side is my great side.

The right side is not that amazing because of my teeth. That's my biggest insecurity is my teeth. I feel like I do a lot of self-tapes, and I'm looking at my mouth the whole time I was like, you know what's holding me back? My mouth. Also, the fact that I can't act. But it's mainly my mouth. It's funny because you say normal people.

Normal people don't look at themselves talk like entertainers do. Like, I don't, most people don't have to hear the annoying sound of their own voice besides just like the background of their insist stories, which is enough for me. Yeah. So, like, you have to get a whole new sense of confidence seeing yourself in that light of like, even corny self-tapes and stuff. Yuck. Gross. It takes away my soul every fucking single time.

And you also know that there's a 1% chance that I'm going to get this. But this is a good practice, right? It's good practice. You got to practice. You got to put them reps in. How do you deal with the rejection? Oh, honey. I am an African-American woman in America. I've been

said no to tons of times. So rejection is a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday again. Well, I like talking to you because obviously we're both like feminist, but you have a different experience in the world. Yeah. You are African-American. And how do you think this time right now in the industry, how it affects you differently than like other colors, other genders?

The thing about feminism is that I definitely think it's powerful for white women. And then it comes down to everybody else. It's like, well, they're a woman, I guess. but I think most of the interest is for white women. So I don't necessarily call myself a feminist. I do believe in equal rights. I feel like there should be equality amongst the genders. But then again, it's like, gender is getting real loose.

You don't know what anybody identifies with. More and more I find people are like, I'm non-binary. I'm non-binary. I'm a human being. I am existing. I am blood running through my veins. And I'm like, okay. And you know, people who are just attracted to like souls,

how they're just like, it's a feeling. It's a vibe. I don't care of man, woman. It's a soul. Those people are definitely scam artists. If I hear anybody saying, yeah, I'm really attracted to souls. I'm like, they want money. They're going to rob me.

I feel like that's Billy McFarlane in a nutshell. I'm attracted to souls. What does your dad do? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. think what you said is important that there's a thing called intersectionality out there which is like you can't look at something just based on your own experience of your own race do you have any advice for white women out there just to like this sounds like so corny no it's not but it's like i feel like it's fucking important you know like i feel like there's not enough i mean i grew up in

brooklyn where like my school was 30% white and it was just like we embrace differences like i love learning about different cultures different religions and i went to university to Wisconsin. Ooh, girl. Bye. Bye. Yeah. So you just realized that like the communication is not that.

I guess everybody was connected on cheese maybe. They're talking about cheese. And that's about it. The badgers, the pankers, beer. They have Madison on State as a good comedy club. You should do that place. Okay. Well, throw my name in there.

You know I got your bag. You know what I do. Advice to white women. Hmm. I mainly think people should just expand friend group like I know it's hard to make friends after 30 because it's just like you stuck in your own ways and I'll see like it's hard to make friends when you don't want friends exactly exactly but you need to take a deep look at yourself if you see a picture of your friends and you're like damn

I don't have nobody black I don't have nobody Latina nobody Asian I don't have anybody close to me and then if I if I do have somebody who's different it's only one of them so then they're the representation of everybody it's like you got to get different people in your life You just, you can't just hang out with people who, who think the same way, who think the same as you, who look the same way, who do the same shit as you. It's just, that sounds boring in itself, you know? I'm bored just hearing you say it. Mm-hmm. It's true.

Yeah, so that's my advice. It's like, get out there, get different types of people in your life that can inspire you and educate you. So you don't have to be asking dumb questions in a group setting, you know? It's just, these are valid things. It's like, you are 35. Bitch, Google. Like, I cannot, I can't teach you. I just can't.

I'm not a professor and I don't want to be. I'm exhausted living in New York City. And I asked Alexa questions and she'd be like, bitch, you need to Google. She'd be looking at me. Alexa's over your shit. Yeah, you have fingers. Look it up, read a book. Alexa's like, girl, I'm busy.

Yeah. I have my own shit going on. I have my own issues. Alexa works 24-7. She's absolutely right. I got to give her that. I should just stop asking her. Siri, I'm sorry.

I ask you a lot of foolish questions, and you're like, why? I'm working all the time. Siri has an attitude problem sometimes. I don't like her tones sometimes with me. I'm glad that she's honest about the things that she just doesn't know. Or she mispronounces things, and that's what makes me feel like Siri's relatable. She is relatable. Sometimes I take it as passive aggressive, but I feel like it's my own trauma that I'm projecting on her.

I'm going to work with my therapist. Yeah, yeah. Work on that. It's fine. all good. So emotionally what are your deepest insecurities? Because you hot. Yeah, but I just want the

listeners to know that I'm, I just became this person physically, you know? Hey, what do you mean? I wouldn't say I was an ugly duckling, but I was not. Oh, wait, I actually, I've seen you as a kid, you were pretty ugly. Oh, bitch! Let's shut it down now. I'm ready to go. The Uber pool is waiting for me,

so I got to go. How dare you? You don't want me. You know what you're Because you're so fucking glam right now Yeah So you saw you had the same face But like without being done up but on You're fucking adorable That is so you just told me

I backtracked You just told me wow you without makeup Without makeup It's dulled you When you were five without makeup Yikes You were skinny though You were skinny

But yeah my I just became like this The last seven Eight years Which is a long time But I definitely grew up knowing that I had to use my personality. I had to use my smarts.

I had to be street smart. I had to be people smart. I used that first before I even got into my looks because I didn't even think my looks would be a factor. So I mean, my biggest insecurity is sometimes my looks because I feel like I'm thinking about it too much, but also just being accepted. I still want people to like me at this age

and it's trash, just like why? What are these, what can someone do for you other than make you feel bad about yourself? Like even when like followers are uplifting you, you also question like, well, this person is sitting on their toilet taking a shit saying that I'm the most fabulous person on the earth. It's like, I don't believe that. But also it's like they don't really know you. Like they saw you do a set one night and they're like, you're the greatest and you're like, would you still think I'm the greatest if you like actually talk to me and spend an hour with me and saw my vulnerabilities and my dark side? I'd rather be in a fucking bubble, you know? Like, you know those, those racists that live in the South?

Those types. Oh, yeah, like in the middle of the woods. Yeah. With, like. The ones that are like, I'm like, I actually don't know what they have. What do you mean, equal rights? What do you? They are not people.

They are monsters. That's the type of bubble that they live in is so thick that nothing can stop them from thinking other than I am white power, you know? Like, I want to be like that. And bubbles are, like, you know, like that. I want to be like that, but confident in myself. And no one questions anything you say, because everyone believes the same thing. Yeah.

It's a cult. That's what the fuck it is. I swear to God in Wisconsin, one of my friends, legit, I think, thought Jewish people had horns. What? Like, now they don't use Google. A lot of cows, though, a lot of cows. Have you ever dealt with depression? Oh, girl, all day.

That is literally... Because you're a very bright energy. You're bright positive vibes. I have to be because, you know. you're going to fake it to you make it but yeah depression is literally

my BFF like we we write or die that's how it feels does it come in waves for you yeah I mean I was having a really hard time before I went to L.A.

Like I felt very very low I felt like I was in a well that I couldn't climb myself out I felt like I was in quicksand and so I went to L.A. for pilot season but I also went to L.A. to save my life because I felt suicidal.

I felt like what is my purpose? Why am I living? Was there anything specific that triggered it? Or do you think it's just like... It was a buildup. It was just a buildup of like ongoing, not talking about my emotions, not releasing, thinking the absolute worst about...

And believing it? And believing it. That's the thing about depression is like, oh, but everything's going great. It's like, that's how sick depression is. Nothing could... Everything could be going right, but you feel like, no. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how much.

much money yeah how much you're fucking how much success you're having it doesn't matter it's real it's real it is really a chemical imbalance it's a chemical because sometimes when I'm depressed like I feel it I feel it in my chest I feel it in my arms it just feels like I weigh 50 more pounds yeah your back hurts I mean you you can't talk to people you feel weird you're you're embarrassed you feel weird you feel embarrassed for about your emotions it's just because you know you're not you and then you could get mad that you're not being like you and you're like disappointing people people around you now I'm getting dark but yeah no it's true as a people pleaser you feel like you're feeling yourself and other people around you when

you're not in that like right good light space and I don't think you everybody needs to be in a bright light beautiful space but the thing about depression is that it's worse than a bully because even bullies take a day off even bullies stay home sometimes yeah so they get tired they get exhausted but depression is fucking 24-7 it keeps it going and sometimes there'll be points where it's like oh I feel like I'm getting a little bit better but it's always in the back of your head it's always that cloud is still there but I think it's important that you disassociate the depression from just like your identity right not be like this is me instead be like oh my friends around trying to take me down a little bit yeah she won't stay forever so you go to LA what did you do in LA that you think changed your mentality I don't know I was just in another place and I was shifted your I was just environment excited to not be in New York and not do the shit that I do in New York.

Even though I was there doing comedy and auditions like I do in New York, but it just felt refreshing and exciting. And it was my first time going there by myself and spending a long period there. By yourself. By myself. Were you like couch hopping?

No, no. I stayed with two friends, one friend. They both don't do comedy. They're normal folks. That's kind of healthy. Yeah. That just remind me. me, oh, wow, I could be just doing what they're doing.

I don't want to do that. You know what I mean? Just being married and, I don't know, making dinner and having a dog. That's, no offense. Shout out to my really good friend, Megan. She, listen, her life is quite right, but I just, that couldn't be me. But sometimes seeing that, like, gets you happy that, oh, I've worked really hard to be in the position I'm at to have the opportunities I have.

Yeah, but that's the thing. you can't be looking at other people yo like even if you you see what other people have and you're like oh thank god i am where i am that means you're still not appreciating you and your situation regardless of the fact of anything else that's everything else is situation it's you're right you have to have gratitude regardless of other people's situations it's funny laa gave me this vibe i went for the first time with my mom's people like to check each other out a lot all day Oh, what's you here for? Oh, what's you doing?

Like, you walk in a restaurant and you get the up and down from... And New York, everyone's like, can you get the fuck out of my way? Yeah. And I love that energy of, like, no one gives a shit about you. It drives me. We're in L.A., everyone's like, hmm, interesting. Because they're interested in what other people are doing. It's a different...

New York is the same way, but we just creep. We'll just go through your Insta stories. We'll check your Twitter. We'll see what's tags. Actually, you're so right, because we have to be low-key about it because we're pretending that we're, like, too busy. I don't care. Where L.A., they're a little more thirsty, but, like, in a, they own it.

I love the energy of New York where, like, we're all trying to make dreams happen. But L.A., it's, like, a similar kind of dream because they're in show business, more people, I think. Yeah. But then you have, like, the billboards and the people. Like, it's like it's so close to the dream, but then so far, it's a crazy energy. It's a, it was cool being there because I realized I was like, oh, shit, I am talented. I am great. People do like me.

But then I was like, this is L.A. and I don't know the bar is real low so if they think I'm great here I must be trash You could twist it in your head I was it was fucked up but I had a really

great three weeks there and I came back to New York and I felt a lot better and then three weeks after leaving L.A. That depression was like ha ha ha ha ha I'm back baby

and then I was like fuck I thought you was gone and you're like I can't keep paying for trips to LA every time I get to Oh girl, listen, that was the first time I actually paid for L.A. I had gone to L.A. a few times, but like when somebody else's time, you know, so I love that. I love when I do not have to pull my card out for anything.

But yeah, I can't just keep traveling to feel better about myself. I need to, this home, this is home, so I need to figure it out here too. But New York will eat you up and spit you out if you get in this like a hamster wheel. Yeah, we just, again, We're not very appreciative, and then we see so much, and we have access to everything, and it takes away from it. It really does. Like, you can get to anywhere you need to go and, like, less than an hour. And you can hop in a cab, you can get in the train, get on the bus, you got your friends.

City never sleeps. You always feel like you can do more. Yeah, you could get a pepper turkey sandwich at 3.30 in the morning with extra mayo. Yeah, pepper turkey. I love it. That's my favorite. You can get anything at any time. And so you're just like, yeah, this is my life.

And you don't love it until you get out and go to Wichita. And you're like, oh, shit, everything closed at 10. Oh, I don't have no friends here. Oh, I got to get on a horse to get to the next town. Ah, like, I don't know if there's horses in Wichita. I don't know either. I just nodded. I'm just assuming.

I was like, she knows all about Wichita. Yeah. But I think that you can learn from those places when you said, like, oh, my friend is like, present and stuff like that yeah taking that like small town mentality and having a little new york i think is beneficial it's beautiful like take those moments it's like when it's like 55 degrees out and everyone's like day drink and just like appreciate that it's like nice out and you're with people no no no if it's 54 you're drinking day drinking you're an alcoholic i'm so sorry for that like it's 54 it's a great reason to have yeagermeister's absolutely not you're either in a fraternity

or you got some problems Well, you're just blowing up my spot right now So sorry, boo, so sorry It's okay, I respect your honesty So I want to play our first game Okay And it's called heaven or hell So I'm gonna tell you a situation

And you just tell me If it's heaven or hell for you Okay Heaven or Hell I have our first question So do I identify as lesbian? Yes, I do Full time

Were you always full time? I was part-time I was just doing it on the week I love that was the job. You're like, yeah, so just the weekends. Just the weekend. Wait, shut the fuck up. Was it actually?

It was literally just on the weekends. I was like, this is a good time to just be myself. How long were you dating dudes? I would call it 12 years of straight. It felt like slavery. It really did. I really did not feel right being with men. Your comedy is so good because you have the perspective of what it was like to identify

as straight. Yeah. And like dealing with. dudes, which I thought was hysterical when you performed at batches at one time. But sexuality is kind of presented to you like religion. It's like whatever your family is giving you,

you're like, I guess this is what I have to do. And then as soon as you get them... Or like politics. Yeah. As soon as you get the moment to be out of that and you're like, ooh, I feel great with a dick not in my mouth. You're like, this is... It was supposed to be like this the whole time.

But they were feeding me dick in my mouth every time that I thought this is the way I needed to live. like racism in the south to be honest it's true i don't i don't think that people are born racist or misogynistic or sexist it's their surroundings did you ever feel emotionally romantically attracted to a man oh yeah of course when when patron and cocaine was available yes absolutely when i was blackout that was when i felt the closest to a man interesting yeah so your like natural tendencies when i was not conscious so i was like when you were suppressed as well I was like I guess I should be with this guy named Kevin how did your

mental health improve once you came out or not improve I think it's just a little different when um you know when you were when you're a new gay when you were old school gay like the gays in the 80s in the 90s like being gay was such a terrible thing it was not accepted you literally had to fight If you really wanted to be gay and, like, own it, you had so many tumultuous things that were going to be happening to you. Now, everybody's lax. People don't give a fuck. Who are you having sex with?

I mean, you can have a full-on relationship with a ghost. And everybody's like, okay, boo, you know, live your life. I think my roommate's dating his Siri. But anyway, no one judges. So, I mean, I came out real late, I guess. I don't even. I was late 20s. Nobody cares.

Honestly, nobody cares. By that time, they were. were like oh it's not it's not interesting anymore long as you don't ask us for money do whatever you want that's how your friends and family are going to treat you long as you don't need to be in my house your family surprised though um i mean again i came out too late yeah the family that really cared had already passed away smart so if y'all are worried about coming out just you know wait it out You know what's Russian? They don't need to know.

They're going to drop soon. Yeah. They're going to get dementia. So it's like, just wait it out. Or just call your girlfriend, Kevin. Yeah. They won't know. They can't see.

They literally, when are they going to meet her? No. When are they going to meet her? They're not. So this, okay, so back to heaven or hell. Now that we clarified that for our listeners, because I don't want to just, you know, dive in without some explanation. Right.

Heaven or hell, dating a girl who is prettier than you. This is what I write for you. what do we think heaven or hell I loki feel like that's hell I'm vain as fuck and I get jealous oh so you like being like the hot one

I mean my girlfriend is beautiful but is she less femme I think she's she's femme but she has masculine energy but she's she's femme like she doesn't wear heels like me but she dresses

kind of girly and I mean she has her hair is like always poofy and curly and fun so yeah i mean she's very beautiful but i am the winner in the relationship uh but she's the winner financially so it honestly it cancels out you know what's your signs i'm an aquarius and she is a picey's okay so we're kind of back to back um we get along but she's she just got her life way more set up than me and so she's just she's literally clean up on our seven with me she's in the supermarket working doing her job and then it's just me

knocking over the Coca-Cola opening jars that shouldn't be opened and her having to clean it up. Yelling and crying because you want the unhealthy cereal and she's like, no, I can't have it today. Yeah, that's what our relationship is. But I like that you're, like, she sounds like she's stabilizing for you.

She is. Like, she sounds like the gardener and you're like the flower that's like flying in the wind. Yeah, that, yeah. If we're doing metaphors, I'm coming in. I'm here for these metaphors. I'm more, I'm more, like,

like that random worm I'm the worm I guess you're supposed to be here I guess you're helpful You're fertilizing something There's a reason why you're around Right we can't kill you It's ecosystem

Yeah That's what I am I love that But yeah I wouldn't want a girlfriend hotter than me because then I would be comparing myself in pictures I think that's what I was thinking When I wrote the question I was like

Do I want a girl who's like boobs are nicer than mine? like will make me insecure. Then again, beauty's in the eye of the beholder. Girl by, who told you that? See, I'm so tired. I just made that up. Listen, I just made that up.

I will say this. I am annoyed at 2019, body positivity, be yourself, everything is accepted. It's because then you have nothing to work towards. You know what I mean? Like when I was growing up, yeah, you had to fight for everything that you wanted

because it wasn't that easy. And now everyone's just like, no, you are perfect. You are amazing. Love your body. And it's just like, now you got all this confidence and you only eight. Bitch, no, we're not having that. Yeah, these seven-year-olds who are like making millions of dollars

on Instagram wearing, I don't play that game. You've got to work for your shit. I'm not here for it. Just because you're cute and your eight, it's not going to last forever. And what are you going to do when one day someone tells you're not perfect? Exactly. It's called adversity, little bitch. Yep.

But it's not just with women. And it's little boys and men just grow up like that anyway. Like they, we don't have to physically tell them how good looking they are. We'll just like, you're, you're a man. Like, you're going to be amazing. You're going to be able to lift something or work towards it or add or, you know, have a ball and dribble it or play an instrument. You're going to be fine.

You're outstanding. So I guess 2019 is okay because they're giving little girls, confidence of a mediocre white man but I guess I love that I think my perspective is I just want us to go towards health I want us physical health yes yeah like let's don't lie if you're if you know deep down your body is not at the place where you're feeling your most healthy whether you're like mouth not eating enough eating too much it's and a lot of that's associated with your mental health are you like not eating enough because you're mad at yourself and you're suppressing shit are you Are you eating too much because you're trying to suppress shit?

Yeah. I think it's all interconnected. Instead of just like focusing on the physical and like accepting that in society, let's like dig a little. That's what this podcast is about. I want to dig into deeper shit. That's fair. I love that actually.

You should work on your health and your mental health and then everything else will fall. I mean, I see a lot of people who want to be thin and skinny and, you know, I've been doing this whole my life. So I get it. But I'm also like, there's a lot of things that skinny just don't help you with at all. Like when you at the Planned Parenthood, being skinny don't get you at the VIP of Planned Parenthood. Like you got to wait two hours like everybody else to get your PAP smear, you know? When there's a long-ass-Line, they're not like, oh, here's the line for the skinny people.

You got to wait with like 70 other elderly people going through their purses, looking for that card. like you gotta wait so there's there's some things that you're like oh it's so good to be skinny but for the most part in new york you could do without it to be honest also like i'm a fan of curves oh i look girl if i had hips do you think i would be on this podcast right now i would be somewhere using my hips if i had a butt girlfriend i would not even be doing comedy i'll be some i'll be on a boat just hugging my butt kim k got a butt and hair was about to say one thing you could talk everyone with the Kardashians one thing is they have added this like different kind of body type to society even though it's a little fucked like let's be honest they're taking their their waist fat and putting it in their ass so it's not even like like it's not real curves yeah but at least like we don't have just one symbol of a body type that people put in the mass media um i think they honestly have fucked up that body's hype because now when anybody sees a big butt in a little ways

to like, that's fake. It can't be real. It must be manufactured. So yeah, they put another body type, but let's be honest, women of color have been having bodies like that for ages. So the Kardashians are the only

ones in Hollywood that I guess rep them hard, but that is not an out of this world body. It's some white people shit to be like, we need to be really thin. It's not white people shit because I think de black girls also want to be... Did you just say de black?

Do the black girls? The black girls also want to be skinny. I don't think they want to be skinny, but they definitely want to be in shape. They want to be fit. I mean, hello, Beyonce had that crazy diet for Coachella just to, I don't know, fit into her old costume and maintain this two-hour show. But it's just like, wait, what? You're Beyonce.

Even after she had the twins, she still was perfect. Perfect. You still had an amazing body. But I guess maybe not the body that, you know, you need to perform and have paparazzi up your vagina. But it's still like, damn, everybody wants a certain type of body that you're just like, but why? And also there's that media body where like you look at it with a dress on. And then there's the body where like when you're having sex, you feel sexy. Yeah. Like a guy or girl's grabbing onto you.

I'm sorry. I don't know what body. that is like where you feel good with the lights on like no I'll even me with uh you know my 10,000 with the titty's on my chest um and you know my one ab I'm still like oh bitch we can't have sex unless it's nighttime I need the sun to be off and I need the shades closed I don't I don't know every angle is terrible for me really honey not for me but just I don't I don't I'll never feel that comfortable you just you'll enjoy the moment better not worrying about like what she's thinking about you but don't you feel like she's obsessed with you and every angle of your

body yeah she obsessed but she also like you need to go to the gym you you don't have stamina you don't have endurance i feel like lesbians have to have way more stamina than straight girls yeah you have to work you actually have to do something yeah uh there was a lot of times when i was straight that i could just lay there i didn't even need to really be alive and And whoever he was, whatever that human being was called. He's just masturbating with your vagina. Yeah. That's why when people say, oh, I can't believe neclerphilia.

I'm like, eh, I get it. I honestly, that makes more sense for them. How fucked up in dark you are. I love it so much. They're like, you're not talking or moving? That's my first necrophilia joke on the podcast. I'm so happy. I'm insane.

Sorry. This is our games, by the way. We're still playing this game. We just forgot we were. Okay. our hell having a baby. I don't know, man. I see people with babies and they're so happy

and it's like, oh, my God, my legacy is living right now. But then I'm just like so much money, so much time, so much patience. It's just, if I was to have a kid, it wouldn't be in New York. I couldn't do it. I'm not having no kid and get on a train.

Bitch, what? And I see the way people do, pregnant and people with kids. It's like you. Honestly, it's selfish. You're taking up half the train with your big-ass expensive troller from Bye-bye Baby, wherever you've got it. Yeah. It's disrespectful.

And then the kid probably has an attitude problem because he's growing up on the subways. Baby, why are you crying? Baby. Baby, what is the deal? Baby talk and tell us what the problem is. Baby, you don't have anything to be upset about right now. You don't have any rent to pay. No, but honestly, when I see babies cry on the train, that's when I feel the most connected because I'm like, bitch, I want to cry to.

I don't want to be on his train, it's hot, everybody stinks, like, gross. I'm like, why don't I have money so that I could just take a car? So sometimes when I see a baby cry, I'm like, honestly, this baby is crying for me. You know what? They're your soul. And then I respect it. Like, some of the big cries, I'm going to think about you. Yeah, it's just like, I'm transferring my energy to that little baby.

I'm going to make that baby cry because I need a cry. Exactly. But don't be mean to the babies. No, no, no. No mean. Yeah. Anyway, you get it. Last one.

Heaven or Hell. Intimate. show with your family? Fuck. Absolutely not. I knew you were going to say that. No. Why?

Whenever I see people, one, who have their whole family at their comedy show, I'm like, oh, you don't want to be in the wheel at all. You don't want any coins. Do you have family jokes? Absolutely not. I've had my family hit me up, like, actually, please don't talk about me. And you're like, you're right. Wow.

Yeah. Because some comedians are all about just like how their dad fuck them up. Or how their sister's annoying. Grow up. Grow up. You is 35. Get over it. I keep saying 35.

You have money now. You have health insurance. Figure it out. Go to therapy. Ain't nobody want to hear about your demented mother who made you sleep in the bed with her until she was eight into you were 18 years old. Nobody want to hear that. I paid two drink men and $20. Bitch.

You better act like you have a life that I want. True. You better pretend, at least. I like your stance on this, very strong. I mean, because I see it as a comedian watching a show. I'm like, damn, man, it's Friday night. You're talking about this sad shit, bitch? Like, okay, maybe on a Monday, because I get Mondays, it's like, oh, it's Monday.

But, like, on the weekend, it's like, let's turn up. Like, let's have a good time. We don't, we're always stressed out. We're always thinking about things, overthinking. So it's just like, we got to also do sets for the people. Yeah. I get that you're like, this is what I think is funny. And then it's also like, but you're getting paid and people are paying money.

It's just, I have a set for when we do on a free-ass bar show and then I have a set for, oh, people came to have a good time. That's smart, though, because sometimes the energy's not right for your depression. No. You're like, you're ready to get depressed tonight. Woo! Okay. So to wrap this shit up, we got the seven deadly sins. I play this at the end of every.

It's not really a game. As you can tell, they're never games. just ask you questions but i like to call them games because it makes them more fun seven deadly sins what are you greedy about money is that what drives you yes i just want to have assets okay yeah i want to write a will and then write somebody out of it that's what i want so hell yeah um i'm just working towards that assets is like such a grown-up word Assets, yeah, because it's things that actually have value that's more than the price. It's just something that will last for 20 years, and you would want to pass that down to somebody.

That's some wealthy. I want an asset, and right now all I got is a humidifier. Yes, it's great. It's important for the sinuses. Yes, and it has, like, the essential oils and everything like that. Oh. But, yeah, that's not an asset. But I like that you're manifesting those assets.

Yes. Who are you envious? of people who look happy on instagram oh stop that bullshit i swear to god oh my god i have a recent thing where it's like if you're having phomo because someone's at a party and they're posting more than five stories at that party they're not having a good time that party fucking sucked if you have the time to put five stories from that party and tag people and find the situation posted that party sucked yeah so it's like anyone who has too much time to post their shit on Instagram is overcompensating for something I will say that about normal people but if you are a

content creator if you are a influencer oh by the way Sydney has a sick job at Comedy Central during the day so I wouldn't call it sick it was it's a great job opportunity and it's oh that's why it's not sick if I can have that job and just be at night oh I would I would totally thrive. Sleep until 11? Yeah, yeah. It's okay. I love it. It's a great job. I love everybody who worked there. It's amazing. Shout out to Comedy Central. Y'all to shit.

Keep those checks coming. Yes, please. But you're saying you're envious of people, the content creators. No, the people who look happy on Instagram. So they're not even content creators? No. People are just... Just people who are, I'm like, wow, you curated this so well

that I almost believe that this is real. I am envious of that. Honestly, they're getting better. Yeah, they're getting the truth. They are getting better. I don't know if it's the fucking FaceTune 2. I don't know if it's the iPhone X. There's a FaceTune that actually makes you look happy.

I'm just kidding. Oh, I was like, what? I was like, let me claim my phone so I can download that. Get that storage space up. Right. What are you gluttonous about? Gluttonous about? I was, I'm not.

No, I'm sober. I feel and see everything is awful. But yeah, I've been sober for a year and eight months. I'm gluttonous makeup oh okay yeah makeup I noticed you have some nice highlight yeah you know a little fenty

I would say I take in too much makeup I'll go to Sephora and I'm like I can literally find a reason to buy something every time I'll spend my rent at Sephora every time yeah I spent $250 and I was just like yeah that's how much money you need to spend at Sephora

duh it's sick it's actually impossible to spend less than $250 if you walk at a Sephora, and you spend less than $100, what did you even buy? True. So, why were you even there? Why did you get sober? Why did I get sober?

Because I was amazing at alcoholism. I was so good. People didn't know. So it was alcohol? Yes. People couldn't tell it affected me yet. Oh, it was alcohol. It was cocaine.

It was anything that was free. I was like, oh, I ain't got to pay for that. I'll put that up my nose right now. Was it affecting your performances? You know, I got fired from a job A job called riffraffs It was a nightclub And it was just like y'all

Y'all is called riffraps I'm just being the essence of the clurb But they were like Yeah, but bitch you sleep in They didn't tell you how much riff They wanted you to rap Ah, there it is I'm gonna use that

That will be on another podcast Yeah, take that shit Yeah, I'm taking it That was beautiful Well no I like hearing How people change like their intake of substances and stuff because how it affects your brain

but you're right now you have to feel shit but at least you have the chance to work on it now because before you didn't even know what you were covering up I guess I'm working on it yeah I'm proud of you boo I'm proud of you let's do depression ASMR

oh yeah you can do better you'll never do better you'll never do better oh yeah that's why you'll never do you aren't shit you didn't think you could do worse but you can and you will tomorrow

yes Okay, sorry, guys, that got real dark. When was the last time you got really angry? Angry? I don't know. Are you more a sad than an anger person? I'm a very sad person, but I also put expectations on people, and that's the problem. It's like, you expect from people, but they're going to give what they're going to give.

And that's why you can't expect much because... And you can't take it too personally, especially if you projected it on them. If you know, this is how a person get down, like, why are you thinking they're going to do something different and that's another thing people think that they're an exception and it's just like you should see how these people move the way they treat other people nine times out of 10 they don't treat you the same it's a pattern yeah so i you're not special sometimes i get mad because i'm just like they should do this because i do this for them but it's just like you're above average in terms of being thoughtful so you can't expect people to be the same as you or sometimes if you're really

sensitive person like i am and i think you are too then you could be thinking like oh if i say i can't do this with someone, they're going to be all upset with me when realistically they have their own problems. So it's like, don't assume that other people's brains are working like yours. Yep. When was the last time you were a lazy sloth? Girl, yesterday. You get lazy? Oh, that is my middle name. But now you got your full-time job. You work all night? Well, let me tell you, I'll be at work and I'm like, I gotta take a nap. I'm not taking my lunch break. You know what I'm doing? I'm going to nap. Do you like napping? I love. I love napping it actually set you back but for some reason i find a way i always feel worse after the nap

it's awful and you should probably not take a nap at like i don't know uh 1 p.m. or 6 p.m it's not smart it's just dumb it's just ride the whole day out just be exhausted and let people see that you're working hard do you do coffee oh too much i think that's why i'm looking even more like haggard because it's like coffee is running me down rebel is running me down because of her fenty and she's like i'm so worn down i'm exhausted When was the last time you lusted over someone? Ooh, that's been a long time, to be honest. That's not an emotion that I have normally.

Interesting. I feel like I'm low-key, asexual, because I just don't feel like that. Like, I'll see somebody. I'm like, damn, I wonder what it would be like to date them, but then I'll read a tweet, and I'm like, ah, I'm all good. No, I'm actually all set. That is such a comedian.

thing to say. Then I see how their brain works and I'm like, really, that joke? Really? Yeah. It turned you off. But do you ever get attracted to dudes still? I'll have connections with them where I'm like, oh my God. Because I feel like dudes love you. No. Honestly, I rag on men so hard that I don't

even understand how I have one male friends. If I'm not talking about their shoes, I'm talking about their hairline. If I'm not talking about the hairline, I'm talking about that terrible ass windbreaker they got on. That's important. Men need to be ragged on more. I go off on dudes. So any of the guys that are in my life,

they are appreciative because they're like, Sydney's so hard on men. She must think there must be something about me that she's like, oh, I'm actually one of the good ones. I think lesbians have like been at the forefront of everything that women have done over the years. Like I think back then, like the best women, I think we're all lesbians because I think they weren't like distracted by men

and they weren't scared of them. So they like focused on their own shit. I will say behind. Every wonderful lesbian is another dusty lesbian that followed her because she don't know what she's doing and she co-dependent. So honestly, lesbians ain't shit either. Don't be fooled. I mean, just because we're not thinking about a guy, it doesn't mean we're not making wrong decisions. It doesn't mean you're not dating a fuckboy girl.

Yes, exactly. So to wrap this up, what do you do to cope with your health? You truly have to believe that it's going to get better and that you. Yes, it seems so dark. Like, you don't really see tomorrow as tomorrow. But if you ride it out, things will be better. Like, I always think about this. There was, like, a night that I'm like, damn, I wish I was dead.

I wish I wasn't around. And then literally two weeks later, I got something that was really great. Something happened to a friend that was awesome, my girlfriend. There were so many things that happened two weeks later. And I was like, fuck, if I would have died, I would have missed all this amazing things that did kind of make me feel better at the moment. So it's just like you got to stick around. I know it's hell. It feels like hell.

The cloud is literally following you everywhere. There's no way to look up. But truly believe if you're working towards getting better and if that's meds or therapy or just surrounding yourself around the right people, I trust and believe it will get better. better. And if you keep going, you still have that hope of anything can happen. Yes. And if you let go, nothing's going to happen. Yeah. The problem with depression that it makes you hopeless and that there is no point. And so. And that's a facade. Yeah. And so I think if you are in hell, you have to write down good things so you can see them on a post-it. It's so corny, but it's just like just seeing like tomorrow will be a better day can freaking help you get to tomorrow. I love that. Sydney, Washington, you're the best.

everyone follow the unofficial expert on Spotify, iTunes wherever they want to... Forever Dog. Forever Dog. And then she got her show at the knitting factory. Every Sunday at 9 p.m.

Please come. And I'll talk to you guys later. Yeah. Thanks for coming to hell. Bye.