Berner Phone - Tracey Carnazzo: Punching People & Being Too Much

Episode Date: May 27, 2020

Tracey explains how reality tv shaped her into the person she is today, being an out of control teen, her fear of germs, instagram mental break downs, getting cheated on, and how to negotiate for more money. Join my patreon for more piping hot tea. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I feel like our souls were made of the same garbage. Welcome to Burning Hell. Okay, what is up, you little devils? We are in the scary, dark, hot depths of hell with a spicy guest. name is Tracy Carnazzo. Tracy, April, Teresa Carnasso. That was perfect. Did I get it? Okay, perfect. So I met Tracy on one of her many podcasts. She had me on only in New York, is the name where we talk shit about being from New York. And she hosts podcast, T-Momom Trash Talk, 90-day Fiancee Trash Talk. Any other ones?

No, that's really it. And then I just have like secret different podcasts on my Patreon. that's for like the real deep diggers yeah these are secret there's a lot of shit talking going on it's amazing well that's what the little devils love to hear because we love reality tv we love shit talking and you i love how you're in your bio you wrote your oCD and love for trash tv have shaped you into the person you are today that's exactly who i am there's like not even anything deeper to me than that i've always called it i think that describes me perfectly what was your first Reality TV show, you remember being like, oh, hell yeah, this is my shit. Okay, so first of all, before even reality TV, what really got me into it was Mori.

Mori Popovich was the person that just like, I guess inspired me. Like, you know, when I get an award, one day I'll get an award for something. We don't know what it's for, but when I accept it. He's your Oprah. He's my, you know, like I base my life around Mori Povich. Moraypovich, I just remember staying home from school and watching Moore. and my favorite part of Mori was the out of control teens and I was like yes this is who I am like because I don't want to say I wasn't an out of control teen because I wasn't not an out of control teen

but I just like really connected with these girls because I couldn't believe how crazy they were when they were like 12 years old and they're like I want a baby I don't give a fuck and I was like yes you are insane you are insane like the girls that you feel saner yes that's exactly what these girls used to like steal baby clothes do you remember these these episodes they were so good i felt so naughty when i'd watch it because it because it was like while we were supposed to be at school it was like this weird forbidden thing where it's like i don't know who would watch it but like right this is like adult tv this is an adult with no job tv yeah like an adult where things are going really bad tv and they need something to make them feel a little less shitty about themselves

right that's why there's always like lawyer commercials in between it it's always like you know, Apex Technical School where you can get a degree in mechanics or, you know, what was it, uh, J.G. Wentworth. You know, you need cash now or, uh, you know, what was it? Salino and Barnes, you know, it's like, did you get in a car accident and people are sitting home like, I think I might have gotten in a little bit of a car accident, but I could try harder. It also pisses me off because like the cash me outside girl blew the fuck up when like the people on Moripovic walked so she could run.

There were so many good cash-me-outside girls but Dr. Phil was like so what do you think is going on and then she just said that one line the messiest people were on Moripovitch's show. Mori was being threatened way before Dr. Phil. Oh my God.

Yeah, you see the father ones I really did like I like the paternity test but I love the out of control team so when I saw that MTV was going to be doing a show called 16 and pregnant I was like I can't believe my luck I can't wait to watch this and I just remember me and my co-host

who you know she was my best friend growing up I was like something's happening MTV is doing the show 16 and pregnant I just remember counting down the days and it delivered it delivered all the way and I was in since then I love those shows too because these people didn't go on Mori to get famous

it was just to like be messy yeah they were they would go there to fight so that there were witnesses yeah and that's the rawest realest shit ever like nowadays is The Bachelor there are some really real moments but like everyone knows they're going there for fame and these people literally were just like I want to show the world that you are a fucking terrible boyfriend and you fucks me over and I'm going to fuck you over tonight and then they take their shoes off Hannah they take their shoes off and you know something crazy going on they'd like fight the security guards i mean look at where steve wilcoast was jerry springer's security guard and he got his own talk show that's called yeah that's how you dominate an industry i i also don't even think it got the press it deserved like it probably kept like middle america just running those shows like it kept people excited to live and it also gave people $50 in the audience to sit in the audience and what's better than that?

It's literally the financial stability of the United States. Yeah. That was unemployment before unemployment. Also, by the way, you can tell we're both from New York because we're going to be, I'm going to be talking in my New York accent the whole time, and we'll be talking on top of each other the whole time. But you guys, we understand each other. We know what we're going to say.

I feel like our souls were made of the same garbage. Exactly. The one thing that people get so mad is, like, you always interrupt your guest. And I'll tell it again. If I wait after you talk and there's a second or two, that means I wasn't listening and I'm deciding how I should act to pretend I was listening. Right. Like, oh, cool. That's crazy.

That's mine. Wow. Oh, my God, crazy. Really? Anyway. That's literally when like your friend is going off about something that you've heard a bazillion times. And then she stops talking and you go, oh my God, I know. right right she's like really i just told you my whole family got murdered that's crazy um when did

you start getting into comedy was it before after you started the podcast i i started the podcast after comedy um i started doing comedy and then i actually the first podcast that i ever hosted was with justin silver and yannis poppice and we did uh funny for phido and it was a dog podcast this is really where I broke through. This is really where I shine in the dog industry. I mean, maybe this was four years ago. This wasn't that long ago. I used to do podcasts. I just didn't have my own podcast. I thought you had to be smarter than me to do a podcast. And then when I really looked into it, I'm like, oh, look at all these morons with podcasts. I could do this too. You're like, if Justin Silver can talk to dogs and do a podcast, I could do whatever I want.

Exactly. I was like, I don't know how to use garage ban. And then Justin shows you. me how to use garage ban and then all of a sudden every single reality TV comes to life via podcasting in my dining room yeah so we did that podcast and then we did another podcast Justin and I did our own podcast called neurotica which was about sex and just being crazy and OCD and anxiety so we did that and then I had to break away because I was too deep into the trash talk podcasts and Justin still does his neurotica on his own and well good for you That can be hard. That can be hard to start something with a friend and then, like, go separate ways.

But reality TV is more important than anything. Yeah, sorry. Sorry, but, you know, these teen girls are not going to trash themselves. Sorry, but I also, when I met you, you were just so refreshing, like, straight shooter who is just so witty, so funny, but also not, like, thinks they're better than everyone else, you know? no because it's like you have to you have to know that like we all uh we're all going to fall together i mean look at what we're doing right now we are in this uh pandemic like the world is ending comedy's over we're all on the same page now we're all fired we're all fired we're all fired we're fired signfeld's fired chris rock is fired like we're all fired the same

so it's like Kevin Hart is fired I mean he's I'm making the same I'm making the same amount of tour money as Kevin Hart right now exactly well I've you know I've always made that kind of so I think that it's like it's really important to know that like we're all kind of trying to figure this out you know and and especially like in the age that we live in now where we're producing so much of our own stuff yeah I wouldn't know how to do any of this if I didn't like really dig deep and I feel like that's not fair like in comedy I feel like everyone has a secret no one wants to tell you who books anything no one wants to tell you how to do anything it's like oh you have that video with the caption on how'd you do it

and they're like oh i don't know uh you should google it and it's like but what do you think like that you're a scientist that has a cure to a disease dude i've been doing stand-up comedy for a year i'd been like writing comedy and like whatever bullshit producing comedy videos but i was finally like I'm going to do stand-up. I literally was just asking, like, how the fuck to stand-up work, and no one would tell me. No, we'll tell you. No one will tell you. I literally was, like, how do you write your jokes?

Like, or, like, any, but I'm, like, open. I say whatever. You should be. You should be. Because guess what? Shasty. Yes. There's room for everyone.

And also, I feel like, no one. I want to do a shout-out. Do it. Shout-out. To Andrea Allen. Because that bitch, I was like, I kind of was just like, hey, I've been, like, booking my own shows, but, like, I just want to do some, like, small, small bar shows to just, like, get a grind that, like, aren't open mics, but, like, aren't, like, at clubs. And she literally goes, here's a document.

And she sent me a document of, like, all the contacts. Obviously, I have to reach out. I have to send my reel or I have to open up. But, like, that was so awesome. And then I had her on my podcast. There's a surplus of everything. And I believe the more you give, the more you get. that is 100%

so Andrea Allen is one of my co-hosts we do only in New York together and Andrea also produces Keith and the girl which is where I really started podcasting you know they would have me on and I always thought like you said like you're like oh you're funny and you're not annoying and I never thought that about myself

before and then I went on Keith and the girl and I was like oh my God people like me this is wild I don't know why but here we are and you know they wanted me on again and And I was like, oh, my God, why would you, like, I just feel like I don't have that unique of an experience in life. And then as I start talking, I'm like, oh, I've had like 23 jobs.

Oh, yeah. Like, I've lived, like, 40 lifetimes. And people are like, how old are you? Also, people are fascinated by people who are, like, really authentically themselves. And I feel like, you can tell you're not trying to come off in a different way. And I think that the best way to, like, attract people is not by, being what you think people want you to be, but being like painfully yourself because it comforts people.

I think that, yeah, and I think that that's a lot of stuff that I explored when I did neurotica with Justin is like, you know, we're flawed. We're so flawed. And if we talk about those flaws, other people with the same flaws are really going to connect with us. And that's what we did. I remember the word, I forgot. Abundance, the law of abundance.

That was good. They say like, the more you spend money, the more you make money, which, you know. Oh, I don't know if that's true, Hannah. I know as I said it I was like it sounds right no I had my episode with Eliza Kelly she's like this astrologer and she was like there's a theory of money manifestation it's like the more you give the more you end up getting like if you're really cheap about it you end up like having like restrictions in your mind it's just the law of abundance of like manifest love and positivity and like you will receive that shit and I'm like I am like have a weird spiritual side to me that's also but you wouldn't ever think it But this podcast has helped me realize that. I think it. You have white girl powers. I understand.

Yeah. Like I could throw out a tarot card any second and make some bullshit up. You never know. No, I totally agree with you on the like the more you give, the more you get. Because, you know, in comedy, especially like, if you're not going to help anyone, how do you expect people to help you? We book ourselves, like we book each other more than any kind of anything. Like I've gotten more opportunities from my peers. years than I've ever did from anyone else.

Like everything that I've gotten is from a recommendation. And if you're easy to work with and you're kind to people and you're always looking out, like people eventually will look out for you. And I think that. Yeah, you not helping one person is not going to get you ahead. Like they're eventually, if you're not talented, you not helping other people is not going to make you successful. The only thing you control is yourself and you being successful does not take away

for my success and I think it's important for people to hear that also all of us can give like 20 names of people who got us where we are yep like I'm not just me like I've so many people that pushed me in certain directions or inspired me or gave me like really solid advice even fucking Andrew Colin was the one who was like you and page need to start doing giggly squad and I was like I don't know and he's like do it and now like does anyone see his name no but he was behind it Poor Andrew. Does anyone care about Andrew Collin? No.

But do I keep a relevant? Yes. But he does have a good cashmere sweater collection. He does. And he has a cute little lisp and we send him our love. So let's go. Let's get a little darker now. I'm going to get into the OCD because OCD is a wide spectrum.

I've talked to people who have OCD on the pod before. I have OCD, but I haven't really gotten into it in the podcast that much because I think I'm so confused of what kind I have. Can you shed some light? sure um so what i'm suffering from mostly is and this is before the time that we're living in now is just a fear of germs when i think about germs i feel like i'm gonna find oh my god yeah so here we are uh all of my nightmares are true you're like i'm the only one who's been prepared for this i have been prepared for this like when when this whole thing started people were like listen when you go out okay and you go into a supermarket and then you go into a supermarket and then you

go back outside, you should wash your hands, puerl them or use some kind of wipe. And I'm like, yeah. Yeah, I've been doing this forever. Like, I will sit down to eat with you and like offer you a wet wipe or a Purell wipe and people would be like,

why are you giving me this? All those people were like, that girl Tracy was right. Yeah, I just thought maybe you didn't want to be disgusting. But okay, no, I mean, eat with your hands after you touch the subway pole. That's fine. So other people that grosses you out when they're being germaphobes how has it

like hurt or like thwarted your life by having Oh my God so the the main thing that I do not take public transportation I haven't been on the train since 2012 You have a car though I have a car and I have to make sure that I have a car

because I won't get on public transportation so that's like you know that's a different lifestyle for sure Would you do Uber? No I don't go in an Uber like I don't know who's been in this Uber there's germs it's that's like being in a subway car but just smaller

Yeah, yeah It's not great, you know How has it offended your relationships? I don't like people in my house That I don't really trust because I don't know what's going on Like I used to date this guy with a kid And I used to ask him about his kids are disgusting Oh my God, I used to ask him about his kid constantly

I'd be like, how does he feel what's going on with him And he's like, do you want to meet him? I'm like, no, I need to know if he's sick because if he's sick you can't come to my house like that's all I cared about where do you think this stems from did you have like a bad illness as a kid

or did you see someone really sick as a kid I think that it I mean I've always kind of had it inside of me you know it's always like was waiting to like come out pretty bad but my father was really sick my father passed away in 2006 and he had cancer

and when he was going through chemo it was very scary because if you give him a cold like that's it and then like you've killed your dad that's so sad so I think that that really kind of when I was about 22 you know when he was sick that's when it was like kind of like at its height but I've always been scared of being sick myself so I remember even when I was little when my brother would be sick I would ask my mom like hey can I just like go stay with like anyone else like could I just not be in this house she'd be like you are seven you live here like you can't go what about the argument that like the more you let yourself be around germs,

it heightens your immune system. How's that going with COVID? How's that doing? It's, I mean, it's not going well. Right. So you were scared of like dying from an illness? I don't want to, listen, I'm not scared of dying. I think we all want to die.

We're comics. But I don't want to suffer. I don't want to die. I don't know what you're doing in comedy. I want to do it when I want to do it. Right, but you also don't want to like die like slow. I mean, I wouldn't mind getting like, you know, shot by a stray bullet real quick, but I don't, I don't want to die of an illness and, you know, painfully in the hospital and be on a respiratory. Like, this is not my dream.

I dated a germaphobe and he, like, taught me, like, you don't press the elevator buttons. You use your knuckle or your elbow. And then he would, like, freak out if, like, I'm eating popcorn. It would hit the couch. And then I would eat it. and then I would just do it more to fuck with him and then I was like what you're not going to kiss me now you're not going to kiss me

because my thing is like you will drive yourself crazy and then we broke up but like there are so many germs everywhere you drive yourself insane and that's why people are like losing it right now but also do you have you talk to someone to be like you're channeling your anxiety

of life into these germs you're projecting onto these germs yeah of course listen I go to therapy twice a week you I am not okay like I've been in therapy for a very long time um that's good that's healthy though yeah sure uh it's great everything's fine everything's amazing but yeah no of course we we I think that the things in my life that I can't control are the things that make me so crazy because again it's like I have OCD and I need to control everything I need to live in a controlled environment and I mean

right now we are living in the most uncontrolled environment possible how are you and I just you know at first I was not great now I feel a little bit better you know I've just been trying to be as careful as possible

and just getting the facts I don't watch the news anymore and I really just you know I know the fact is is that it's not airborne it goes by droplets you know I wear gloves I wear a mask I don't touch anything i come home i wash everything what am i going to do that's all we could really do but i mean i

used to say like i wish it was socially acceptable to just wear a mask every day my dreams and my nightmares are coming true at the same like you seem like the most prepared i like most of us they had to teach us how to wash our hands yeah they're like hey fucking idiots when when the stores ran out of hand soap i was like but what were you doing before what was happening before was this just like a wipe so besides oCD what has made you want to go to therapy oh what do you mean everything else in my life is just so perfect um i'm just the most i'm anxious i'm a very very anxious mess i have tons of phobias i have um just like a lot of anxiety overall i think what are some of your phobias number

number one phobia vomit just afraid of it oh my god okay oh you vomiting or other people both everything all of it same honestly same yeah i i don't drink because of it and because of many other reasons but that's a big one i don't like i mean subway and a guy puked on me in a crowded yeah see that's and that's why i haven't been on the subway since 2012 because that is i want better for you you know like i don't want you dude it was it got on my shoe and i was like well days ruined right but see the thing is like you are okay right and you survived that like I don't know if I would have survived that I think that I might have been in a hospital you were like oh man daze ruins I would have been like 911 what's your emergency hi hi hi hi hi train help

I can't breathe I can't right right right and then they would have been like we have a dead body on the platform at Roosevelt Island I mean I had absurd phobias that I like created in my head I was a tennis player I talk about it people get upset that I bring up tennis but I do I would get a phobia that I would be playing division one tennis and that I just wouldn't be able to hit a second serve like what's the worst what's the worst possible scenario is that I can't hit a second serve and then I literally would go on the court and couldn't do it

because I like scared yourself out to it yeah and I would do that all the the time and I thought I was just a mental case but I realized it was just anxiety that I wasn't properly handling and it was coming out like physically and fucked me up. See, I always knew that we bonded because I in high school pretended that I was on the tennis team. So I knew the tennis coach because he would, my friend was on the tennis team. My friend Jessica was on the tennis team. I went to Faris Till's high school.

That's where I graduated. Well, I went to a few high schools, but that's where I graduate. I was always playing at the National Tennis Center. See, I live right by the West Side Tennis Stadium. You know where that was, right? Yeah, yeah. So I grew up watching tennis, never playing it. So I pretended that I was on the tennis team because my friend Jessica was in my English class

and she would get out early for tennis practice. And the coach would come over and wave through the door and then she would be allowed out. so I was like fuck you you get out early I'm gonna be quote unquote on the tennis team so I used to tell my teachers that I was on the tennis team and I would leave classes early and I would always be really friendly with the tennis coach so he would wave to me in the hallway and obviously it's like I'm not not on the tennis team see that is street smart that's what school should be about but you said that you were like kind of a bad kid in what ways were you bad

kid especially if you're like scared of everything oh there's a little bit of fighting yeah oh so you it's i wasn't scared of that yeah you're like i'll bust a girl's head open but don't you dare spit on me or i'll fucking freak out right like i'll wash my hands after i punch him in the face but dude you're such a tough chick i love this i want to punch someone in the face so bad do it there are legalities when you're older uh you know what there are but you know what you got to you got to punch someone who's not going to tell yeah this is what i love about like the subway is when everyone just use this is the positive thing about subway you just hold everything in until you're on the subway and from someone nudges you the wrong way and you go

and you just shove the whole car is your problem and you shove them back and everyone's like just a little flare up normal flare up or like when a car goes 15 people fall down or when a car goes like a tiny bit into the crosswalk I'm like what the fuck is wrong with you and everyone around you ever hit the car with your hand like slap it and then start screaming at that Yeah, this is, I mean, I never like, I don't really, yeah, no, I do that. But I'm more like, I'm quick with it. Like, I won't make a long scene, but like I'll snap for a second and then get back. But that's a classic.

I don't really have road rage per se, but I have been so annoyed by someone and I've cut them off and like block them off so they couldn't get down the block. And then like gotten out of my car and screamed at them. Passive aggressive and scary is a great combination. When was the last time you punched someone in the face? Oh, God. it's been so long it's been too long okay yeah I'm glad I reminded you you're like I was missing something I knew that I had to do something put on your gloves and go punch someone during the quarantine do something that you've always wanted to and it's like yeah maybe I need to with gloves on of course

maybe boxing gloves I don't know how have you been able to calm your anger down from clearly having a little bit of a short fuse as a kid wait what do you mean I was fine no I try to think about jail. I try to think about how dirty jail is. That's the only thing that ever. I mean, I went, I got arrested one time. Um, and it was, it wasn't the worst experience. To be totally honest with you, it wasn't the worst. Um, like I made some long time friends. I, we talk shop. Yeah, like I made friends with the cops. They were cool. Like, you know, it was, I mean, you know, I was there all day. But, um, it was worth, like I can tell you, it was worth it. It was worth every single, uh, thing that I did. And I wouldn't, I wouldn't. I would,

change it for the world and really nothing happened to me you know because you have to have like a pretty you have to have like a record you can't just punch them in the face and then like go to prison yeah yeah you know you're kind of okay um but yeah i i think about jail i think about like they're you know like i'm gluten free now and you know if i went to jail like what are the options you know it's like baloney sandwich no can't do that i don't eat processed meats number one uh can't even eat the white bread i'd be sick then uh corn flakes they could be dry corn like corn flakes you think they're gluten-free because they're corn and then i found out from another comic uh riley lasin she has celiac disease and i was like i don't know why i keep getting sick you know i'm eating

these corn flakes she's like yeah honey they have like this malt in them that has gluten in it and i'm like no one can be trusted no one can't can be trusted this is what i mean so like do i want to be sick in jail like i wouldn't even be able to have a meal no i don't want to be in prison like that like you know you think that it's it's dirty you know in new york city like imagine showering in prison dude the jails right now i don't i can't even literally i can't think about it my oh yeah this is terrifying what is something that you like what's your way of sabotaging yourself in your life Oh, just being wild.

I do, I like to, I like, I don't know if you've ever seen. I like to spiral out of control on Instagram. Oh, I haven't seen. Is this like an Instagram? Oh, yeah. You can, you can actually trace the breakdowns. It's really fun. People love it.

I'm obsessed with that. You're starting. What do you, what kind of stuff do you go off about? Um, just like, uh, relationship stuff, um, you know, so I'll post like one meme, right? And then it's like, you know, it's like kind of funny and you're like, maybe she means something by this. but maybe it's just like silly and she reposted it. And most people stop there.

Most people put like a little sub-tweet and they're like, okay. That's just you warming up. That's you stretching. It's warming up. I'm just testing the water, seeing, do you guys like this? You guys like it? Okay, watch this. And then all of a sudden I have 3,000 saved poetry quotes slash funny memes and I just fire them out.

It's usually around 3, 4 in the morning. And you wake up to live. like I don't know maybe two 300 DMs of like hey girl you got this I've actually had I will go off on tweets at like 1 a.m but just because like I'm you know when you feel a spur of creativity and they're just funny ones occasionally they're like about being depressed or whatever and yeah but like they're just like 15 20 and I get messages going hey just checking in are you okay and I was like bitch I'm being that's how you know it's good that's how you know it's good when the people start to worry.

When people are calling your parents. Then you're a comedian. I feel like you love the control, but then it sounds like because you're so controlled all the time, when you stop being controlled, you spiral. So it's like it's these two like not, I don't want to use the word bipolar, but it's these two extremes. It's totally, yeah, I mean, it depends on like what side of me that you get. It's almost like I'm a Scorpio, but I'm not.

my moon is in scorpio oh I don't know where my moon is no I think my scorpio's rising whatever I have a scorpio that's what I was trying to tell you I am the worst white girl ever like I was such a fucking wannabe

I'm never gonna trust your tarot car reading I used to do these horoscopes on Instagram where I'd read a real one and then like try to understand it but then say it in like a ratchet way like the moon's in Uranus you should write your own horoscopes yeah like if you do anal

like you're going to shit yourself tonight so don't do it well that is that's just a fact of life yeah I just want to do more relatable shit that people care about in horoscopes are you into anal? I tried it once in yeah like so stupid in the shower with a guy where it's like shower sex isn't good at all and like we didn't even try

lube and I just remember being like this is we like he barely it barely happened oh you thought water was the loop is that what happened girl I'm a dumb ass I was like 20 and was just that's that's where it yeah and like i didn't have because also like when you're in a sexual mode you're not like let's google how to have anal no you're like put it in how did the cavemen do it right now it's like at least you would make like a facebook status and be like hey guys thinking about anal any tips yeah i would do like an a m on instagram and be like what is your experience with anal what should i look

out for i would go on redid i would go to lincoln find i would go talk to a psychic to see how it would go Right, you would look for an anal therapist on LinkedIn and be like, can I make an appointment? 100%. I don't mind a little like licking outside the butthole. Right. Don't love insertion yet, but then again, I haven't been with a guy who like knows what he's doing with it. I feel like you either have the butthole that likes stuff in it or you don't. Like, I just think that you're born with that butthole.

I love that because, well, also like it's not like every gay guy has anal. They either give or get it. No, no, a lot of them don't catch at all. yeah so i love that you said that and i think that's a bigger metaphor for life in general yeah not everyone's meant to do certain things find what brings you joy that's right because i mean i've had friends that are like no you just have to try it and i'm like no no you don't understand like i don't want anything in my butt i'm really good at poop i'm happy that it brings you joy i like it coming out not going in right like i just don't want to there's nothing better than like

a good morning poop and then you just feel like a skinny bitch until you take a bite the next day I mean the next moment like the second I take a bite is something I'm bloated but like a good poop is enough like action for my asshole yeah I mean like I could literally just feel like in the morning like that like I'm like am I too thin is that is how it just happened like should I should I buy new close since i've been on tic-tac this one girl i've had spending way too much time on tic-tac but she had a really funny thing like how to be keep skinny during quarantine it's like make yourself this coffee you put this creamer in it and then it's like and then shit yourself and that's it yeah and honestly that is your prime it's not a honestly it's not a bad way so when i was uh one of

my many jobs when i was like 14 i worked in maybe 15 i worked in a bakery And I was like, oh, I'm going to gain so much weight. Yeah. But guess what? I didn't because we drank ice coffee all day long because that was available to us for free. Uh-huh. So you're Cokeheads. You would just like off the wall.

Basically, this was my experience with cocaine. Like that's the closest thing I'll ever get to being like hardcore into Coke. I lost like 25 pounds. That was like my hot girl summer. Let me tell you say. If you saw me at 15, I was. I peaked at 15. I peaked to like 16.

Were you like, were you like, were you like, were you like? Oh yeah, I was, I was reeling it in. Yeah.

I love that for you. I love how I, I'm such a dude. I'm like, were you getting dick? Like, were you digging out? When I was,

I think that I peaked at 16 officially. And then around like, 24, I like settled down. I wasn't cheating on him. Like I wasn't out there anymore. And then I was like, oh,

I guess this is it. We're probably going to get engaged and we're probably going to have kids and got to buy a house and all this stuff. And then he left me, I know you're going to be shocked, for his secretary. Was he a doctor? No, you think I worked in a doctor's office? No, he left you for a secretary. Yeah. Oh, sorry.

He was my boss first. That's how I met him. Okay. So there's a little, actually, so I'm doing this new segment called Hot Takes with Hannah where people ask for advice. And this girl said she has a crush on her sixth-year-old boss. She's like 24. What was that power dynamic like? Like, was it hot?

Okay. To be honest with you, when we worked together, he was not nice to me at all. He was not friendly to me. He was not nice to me. So I'm into it. I'm into it. I wasn't like his direct report. He wasn't, I wasn't his direct report, but he was like above me.

I was one of the assistants. Was he older? A little bit older. He was seven years older. It wasn't like a crazy disgusting. And what was the job? Oh, I worked at Billboard magazine. I worked in advertising.

So he left you for the secretary. Did you have any warning or hint? No, we were working together. And then I got laid off. The company got bought over and I got laid off while he was on vacation. And then he reached out to me and was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Like, I had no clue that they were doing all these cuts while I was away. He's like, we should hang out.

And I was like, well, you weren't even really nice to me when we worked together. like you weren't even it's not like we were at work friends but then I was like yeah of course I'll go out with you and then we started dating and then we were together for like three years and then all of a sudden you know things were a little bit weird

and this is like you know a while ago so this was before like you could really deep like dive into social media this was just like all I had was his Facebook wall and all of a sudden it was like men could be so shisty back then yes they really got away

with so much more now they can't get away with liking anything we're like who's that who's that there was like barely text messaging at this time

oh my god it's so impossible I just there's something about this are they is he still with the secretary no so I called the secretary so apparently

he told the secretary when he left me for her he called me every single night I thought we were still together he was cheating on me and so when I found out when he actually

left me for her. I called her and I told her. I was like, listen, you know, he was cheating on me with you. I'm just letting you know. Like, we were still together. And she's like, oh, he told me that like, you guys were real good friends. And I'm like, oh yeah, we were real good friends. We were real good friends. We lived together. That fucks up your trust. Yes. So then I was like, listen, you do whatever you want. Like, I don't know you. You're a stranger. And then a few weeks later she broke up with him so that was pretty fun well i kind of like how that sounds like a mature thing that you did like you weren't calling her being like great you just were like what the fuck happened no i mean because i didn't want him back at that point who wants him back i know but

you could have like punched her or something listen it's only about and i'm not always this mature it's not oh it's not about the other girl unless she knows about you there's been other women that I've suspected something was going on and I let them know about me people that I knew like mutual friends of ours and then they still ignored what I had to say and then now I have to punch you in the face

I get that I get that there are rules to these things there are boundaries right going back to psychics if you went to a psychic what would you want to know about your future I've been to a psychic and the unfortunate part I went to Raymond do you know Raymond he was in the city

no he was He was in the West Village. He was like the psychic to the stars. And he's dead now. So I don't know. But I remember going to him and he was like, you're pregnant. And I was like, I'm not. He's like, you're pregnant.

I know it. I was like, okay. Well, I don't even know how that would happen right now. I am 100% not pregnant. And then he asked to see like pictures of like friends and family. And like he was totally so off on everything. And then I went, he was like supposed to be a medium. And he didn't even know my dad was dead.

And I was like, all right. you know what how good are you wow so i don't know were you being up front or were you nodding when he was talking like i feel like i'd be too much of a pussy to be like you're wrong i would just be like oh yeah no i just listened i just listen because i'm not going to correct you because then you're going to like go on another path yeah yeah you're right you didn't want to so i was like no let me see what he has to say and he was a fortune too so i mean i i want to believe though i really want to believe uh if i can go to someone like legit like in this what would I want to know um I don't know maybe you care more about like yeah

like should I quit comedy now or should I wait until it completely destroys me okay I hate to say this but like every comedian I've talked to you I said they don't miss comedy stand up and then I think I would not be surprised if after the quarantine no one goes back well you know what there's definitely going to be less people for sure I mean you remember a lot of people have gone back to where they came from uh no offense that's not a racist comment but they have they've gone back to like you know ohio is like getting all of these new yorkers all of a sudden they're like whoa whoa yeah they're like why these dirty people coming to our clean ohio's about to close their borders but yeah no a lot of people are giving up their apartments

they're not going to be able to afford to come back and i don't know i don't know what's going to happen comedy is emotionally abusive I personally thrive off emotional abuse but I can totally see why people you you you always have to do it because someone else is getting stage time but now that we all don't have stage time for the first time we don't have phomo and we're like oh it's actually kind of nice and it kind of sucks but like people are basically having to face reality with like how they truly feel about things and not just like abusing themselves like do you actually like comedy or you just hate yourself or a little bit of both which is common I think both for me.

I definitely hate myself, like, all the way. But at the same time, I think that I'm not going as crazy as other comics because I do enjoy staying home. And your podcasts are, like, such a big part of your career. I've been working every single day. Like, I cannot. I mean, I'm not even saying I'm making money, but I'm not. People are like, oh, I've organized all my closets. And I'm like, oh, my God, how do you even have time?

Like, I'm trying to fit in time for things. Also, I've been getting hit up. up so much for people to come on my podcast from like anywhere because they're like you do it virtual now and I'm like calm it down oh isn't that the worst and like I'm so bad at saying no to people but like I'm very particular about people on my pod um and like and you should be and right but like it's hard to say it's so hard to say no to people but like my little devils they love everyone I bring on for a reason it's because I have like actual chemistry with them um also what's your dating life like right now. I have a

boyfriend for almost four years. Good for you. Sure. How'd you, how'd you like chop him? Meatballs. I made a lot of meatball. I want to date you.

I want to date you. Are you going to cook? Listen, after this quarantine, he's out, you're in. I cook a lot. I cook, I clean. I have nice bed linens. I mean, you know, It is what it is. Actually, no, I just want to be adopted.

I'll be adopted by you. That's fine. I could be your mom. What is your biggest insecurity in general? Like physical, emotional. What is your biggest insecurity that you fucking hate about yourself? I feel like I'm not very feminine. I feel like everything about me.

Yeah, I just feel like everything about me. And I mean, obviously, like, my weight bothers me. But I feel like that also adds to the fact that, like, that's another reason why I don't feel very feminine. When did you read? realized you didn't feel feminine? Probably like college, because I feel like I did feel feminine in high school. And then like after that, I was like, I don't know. Like maybe because I never developed.

I think that's a big part of it. Yeah, like I never got boobs. I remember when I was little. And I'd be like, when am I going to get these hooters? Like, when is this going to happen? People would tell me like, you know you have good boobs if you could put a pencil under your boo but that's when you're a woman and it like never happened for me and then i realized like no like that doesn't mean you're not yeah also like i just i mean where would the pencil go for me

like there's no there's no there's nothing to put it under i love that you said that because on summer house which i highly recommend you start binging yes of course you could start season three season one two or good too but i come in season three hi this girl who has like um fake tits and fake lips and platinum hair told me that I wasn't feminine enough and would like make fun of me and like it really made me reflect on like society clearly she think like society makes you think that you have to sit in this box of like what being a feminine woman right you have to look like pamela anderson exactly you have to be stick to who you are and like don't change your level of femininity to attract you that's why I always had trouble with boob jobs like don't get tits to make guys want to

fuck you yeah like that's why i would get them to be totally honest with you i thought about it before i mean total transparency that is the only reason i feel like it makes you look like overweight if you yeah well that's the whole thing so i was like all right i have to lose i have to lose like 60 pounds and then i would like to get my boobs done if you get your boobs did and you gain weight you look like you've gained 100 pounds i've seen it oh no i know and it's not always flat like i've seen a lot of girls with very small boobs and get their boobs done and i'm like but you had nice small boobs also you know many guys love small tits yeah like they were good boobs though like I would only do it if you have bad yeah I feel like I have bad boobs so I think that what guys what I'm

saying is my tits are trash that's what's happening um I would like to lose 60 pounds and I would like my boobs done no I have a lot of goals these are really good goals this is what I've been researching like I think I need to invent the technology for this though I don't want an implant because I'm scared of the implant because I've heard so many horror stories about like bodies rejecting implants and infections and all this stuff and I've seen people that I know have gone through

horror stories. Yeah, one of my friends popped her boob once. Yes, all of this stuff is scary to me because then that's another surgery. First of all, I want this done in my house. I don't want to go to the hospital because I'm afraid of germs. Okay. So it's in my house, number one. Number

two, you're going to be using my belly fat to make my boobs Well that's what everyone is doing in LA They're like take my belly fat Put in my butt Yeah you're so right But then it's like Do you know how painful that is

That you can't sit down Like you can't sit down After you get a Brazilian butt lift I have a theory that girls in Hollywood Are removing their bottom rib That's why I think all their bodies Like Marilyn Manson Yeah

It's like a dick Yeah Like literally that's like all I know about Marilyn Manson but I do think like when you see these weird body types where they literally have size 14 waist and these huge fucking asses I really think they're removing ribs and it's really fucked up and we need to stop it

well you know what a lot of them are doing it's called um it's this thing called what's it called again Photoshop oh yeah you're right I'm so stupid I'm like a dude and like how I love looking at first of all I will never knock an Instagram model because I wish I could do it like I would do it all day long They are graphic designers. They are graphic designers.

I have friends who are so fucking good at it. Don't you love when you see a big, big butt with a tiny little waist and they're standing in front of like a fence. Yeah, yeah, a gate. And then you see all the bars on the gate are also bent and you're like, oh, oh, you should have asked one person to look at this picture before you post, right? All these girls need to have one friend. Or they just have shitty friends.

And you're like, hey, how's this look? And they're like, no, no, no, no. You got to take the fence out. And I guess I have angered towards it because I'm like, do you know how many people looked at that and felt bad about themselves because you're a fake-ass bitch? Yeah. It makes me angry that it causes other people pain

because you can't realistically accept yourself and you have to, like, laudy yourself. Because here I am going, I need to remove my ribs, I think. I think ribs are in my house. I do think that it's important to get in touch with their feminine energy where feminine energy is not necessarily like being girly, but it's more like, and it's not even like being a caretaker, which it sounds like you have an amazing caretaking energy,

but it's like, I don't know, what do you think feminine energy means? I think that what, like, I've always thought feminine energy means, like, I guess just like that's instilled in me that I grew up with is like, you know, you're dainty, you're girly, you keep your mouth shut, and like all this stuff, and now I'm not, to me, I think somewhere, even though I know better, and I am a feminist and I am modern and I am, you know, like pretty well read on these, things but I feel like you know the things that are like that you grew up with like these values that's like attractive to a man and I feel like I'm too much like I'm I've always felt like that

I've always felt like even when I was younger you cook and you clean I do I do but I feel like that's such like an aggressive feminine energy like that's the aggressive you know like even when I do it it's like very aggressive literally I'm trying to make you feel better I am not a caretaker I'm emotionally a caretaker, but, like, I'm not about to, like, figure your shit out. I don't cook. I don't clean. I'm trying to find a man who cooks, cleans. And I think it's because my parents, my mom is very successful.

And if you look at the dynamic, my dad's very strong, tough, sporty. My mom is, like, beautiful and giggles and, like, adorable. But this bitch does not need him for a second. She runs the household. Yeah, I like that. She has a boy. He's literally a boy toy who makes her laugh. she doesn't need him for money she doesn't need him for a home he's just there to like make her laugh

and they love each other's company so i'm literally doing my thing and just trying to find a boy toy that like i can have a conversation right because the gender roles were a little bit switched in your house growing up i truly believe and now i i just want you to know i take none of my own advice so don't think that like i'm better i am not better than anyone i just read more self-help books than you do that's it Like, I will take literally none of my own advice. So I read a lot of things that you post and I'm like, yes. Like I'll always, right now I'm shadow bans on Instagram so I can't like anything because God hates me. Because you've spiraled.

I was a bad, bad girl. And apparently there were too many actions taken in like five minutes and they were like, you're a robot. So just know that when you post something, I am hearting it in my heart. Oh, my God. but not physically. Thank you. But I watch what you post and it's like as far as like the dating stuff, if you have one,

if you do nothing else, right, once you see a red flag, if you shut guys down as soon as you see a red flag, you'll be fine. Yeah. I don't take my own advice though. What?

I don't take my own advice. Right. But if you did that like, you're so right. I just posted a video though that was like, it's the song like, I could fall in love. with you and it's going like guys who like are emotionally unavailable don't have a job

yeah got arrested before but are six four like i could convince myself that you're the one if you're done it a lot like it's so easy to ignore red flags when you want attention but i think what i've been doing is that that was so perfect but what i've been doing is now is i realize I can't not want the attention But what I do is I say He's not boy for material Fuck around with him for six months And having a huge emotional wall up

No I mean that's a good way to lose weight Because you're gonna hate yourself so much That you are gonna stop eating Like that is my ex I was so skinny Because I was being so emotionally abused Oh my God I couldn't eat And like it was fun in the beginning

And then I started to get worried Because I was About yourself Yeah You're like but no one's calling my family Like that's how Like I'll lose like 17 pounds and then I'm like, why has no one called anyone?

Why is no one worried about me? Why is no one saying that I have an eating disorder? Hello? And I'm like calling my friends. I'm like, I have an eating disorder and they're like, yeah, okay, bye. I'm like, I malnourished and they're like, you're, shut up. You look fine. You're fine.

You're fine. I want to wrap up with a final game. You're amazing. I'm obsessed with you called The Seven Deadly Sins. Seven Deadly Sins. Are you ready? I'm scared, but yes. What are you greedy about?

I always want to get paid more. Yeah, cash. I think straight up cash. What advice do you have to people for like asking for money because it's my literal biggest fear? Ask for it. They could always just say no. Like I was a big negotiator.

When I worked in media, I was a big negotiator of salaries. I would go. so high. I got paid so much money at jobs that I did not deserve to get paid. I mean, I went into one media job where I was probably the most junior on the team

and I made the most money and when they found out, like the other, I don't know how they found out, but I guess someone in HR leaked my salary to the rest of the team. I thought there was going to be a riot. I thought they were going to like stone me. That makes me so happy for you. Were there guys on the team? Yeah, it was mostly guys.

And they were so pissed off. But guess who negotiated her salary guess who talked her way into everyone thinking that i was better than i was like i will you know i'll talk my way into it and that's what it is it's like you have to act as if but that's why like you're good at stand up because it's like you you have to convince the crowd to fucking like you and like be on your side with shit and understand you and that's just social like awareness i also saw something interesting you know cameo of course i'm on cameo hell yeah book Tracy on cameo you guys but I'm on it with like the summer house cast and like you know you're you're looking at like who how much each person is and like me and page we came in at the same time

we have like some more following we we always like kind of stayed like around this I'm like oh what's page during I'll do what page does right and look and two guys who have been on the longest but have like fewer followers than us have like are like 30 dollars more okay but do you see what I'm saying though yeah like the thing is not asking for it the market will always set the price okay so you need to aim the highest that you possibly could and then if the market is not there you can lower it but always aim high like if you're going for a job like you know like a regular like nine to five kind like when I would go to a media job I would be like I will not take less than a hundred grand like that's just how it goes and

I mean listen what was I worth maybe 50 but guess what you'd get 80 well it's sounds like you weren't also that emotionally invested with your ego because you were like I'm a piece of shit let's see how much money I can get but if you like really think you're worth a certain amount you get all emotional with it you get scared yeah like yeah every dude no one knows shit is what I like no literally no one knows shit there I've been studies that said like doctors who just start off are sometimes better than doctors who've been doing it for 20 years because they care more and they're more refreshed on everything they need to know their money but those doctors are getting paid weighed more like experience doesn't mean shit it's whoever like can sell themselves life is just

selling yourself to people so it's also annoying because so is like the beginning of dating it's like you just have to fucking believe in your right but that's what i'm saying if you if you're like taking red flags and just throwing them away it will actually increase your value yeah because if you just accept the red flags then they keep pushing they keep walking right and then they're going to be like oh this girl has dated 12 losers before me she's not worth that much i've never had a guy not try to come back never not one time yeah yeah because once you know you're worth then they see it you know like when you're with someone and like something terrible happens and you're like oh we are never talking again like yeah that was bad like he wow and now he's in jail

anyway so with me always always always always call back they always try to i am very good at breakups and that like it takes me a lot to want to break up with you but once I decide it and it could be triggered by anything like you ordering something stupid at a restaurant or you like saying something stupid over text message once it hits that point we're done you never hear from me again it's a I don't know if it's a pride thing or whatever but it's like we're done that's good so I think that is good but I'm like I'm just guilty of in the beginning like seeing red flags and being like but I want to crush right you're decorating your apartment with red flags 100% it's my favorite color but like we're we're getting at least I'm

self-aware now where before I was like no he's perfect now I'm like Hannah you know he's not perfect but you could have your little crush but I know what you're doing right but you're wasting your months with someone that you know you don't want to be with while you could be meeting someone that's amazing 100% I do say to my friends who are like should I wake up with him I'm like literally every second you're with him is a second that you're like once a door closes doors will open and please just fucking believe that everywhere and it doesn't matter what you look like it doesn't matter who you are as long as you're a female this is what Hell yes

Move the fuck on Who are you envious of Hmm Probably like Joel McHale Is that very specific? That was specific Is he the one who did the Tiger King Documentary?

Yeah he did the Tiger King I've been obsessed with him for years The soup My dream job is talk soup Like that is my dream job They just gave it to some comedy girl I know Jade Cata Prada

Yeah I know God bless her I guess I'm jealous of her that um any kind like i want to show like you know obviously everyone wants to show right this is this is the point but i wasn't i love chelsea handler i was just going to say chelsea handler's show was so groundbreaking i've been lucky enough to work with so many comics that were on her writing team and like just everything about chelsea's show was just like this is this is how i want my life to be it's funny i don't even remember a joke that was said but i remember her energy with the other comics and seeing a

woman treat these people like shit sometimes and it was such a lot a thin line of like hilarious and bitchy that I was like this is what I want to do yeah I always I mean listen I know that she was very hard um you know to work with sometimes and you know she but like I I am hard to work with sometimes well that's the thing when you're when you're deal with I mean we've heard like Ellen degenerous like monster stories but like at some point first of all what male host is that easy to work with ever sure no one's going around being like oh he's the sweetest and then chelsea like you have to set boundaries and like the second a woman isn't caring or like caretaking or like going over the moon for people they're like she's tough to work with she was probably no but like i've met her before

i've actually played tennis with her accidentally and like that's so funny and she was the sweetest kindest funniest person so it's like i don't know in your work life get shit done whatever she's doing was working because y'all were getting paid for sure for sure her brother roy is like one of my very closest friends and how'd you meet him uh roy i just met through comedy and you know he would come stay with me when he was in new york he's actually back he was on some kind of island in a country that i can't pronounce yeah uh because he's a chef i don't know if you remember his segments on the show yes to do the cooking segments yeah so i i've met a lot of people through him and through the show and stuff and i mean they all still you know like that's how many people

have gotten their start from being on chelsea oh my god i've opened for chris frangola who's was hilarious i met chris frangola in montauk once hammered and i went up to him and i go i love just the hello show and he was like he was like let's talk about it and he this before i even was close to comedy when we're he's in montauk a lot his family has a house over there oh it's and actually chelsea was dating um andre bellage the guy who said i was in shelter island teaching tennis lessons and she just showed up at a lesson because her friend was getting lessons for me it was fucking wild and I had to pretend I didn't read all their books but like it was good of course but this is what I'm saying like this these are the people that like Joe Coy fortune fiendster I love fortune special

was amazing did you watch it I watched the beginning of it I'd like I like love her I love her to death who else was on it Heather McDonald's Heather McDonald's Whitney Cummings yeah Natasha Legerro um Josh Wolfe yep Brad uh Wallick yeah what's Brad up to I haven't seen him in a minute He actually was a producer on Lights Out with David Spade. Cool. Very cool. And it was fun to see Lights Out with David Spade come back, even though I think they got canceled, but it was a lot of the old Chelsea crew because the writers were Chelsea's writers.

And I was like, yes, my people are back. Chelsea's gone on a different journey now. But like, she's still affecting and changing cultures and doing fucking shit up the way she knows how in a positive way um what are you glutness about i would say fine home furnishings wait okay this is interesting because you are so domesticated in a way where do you shop and how do i make my apartment look good oh my god i can't wait until quarantine is over so i could i could design your entire apartment i used to do like freelance uh apartment design and i used to specialize in small spaces well i have i i have a studio in queens

let me tell you something i had a studio apartment for so long it was my favorite place in the world it was 350 square feet it was one room besides the bathroom like i was sitting in bed meatballs were cooking on the stove like we were in the same room everything was fine and i really like literally designed it to be like my favorite place in the world i like to do a good bargain shop yeah i i hate spending too much money on something but then there are certain things that you want to spend enough money like I'm really big into solid wood furniture

yes I'm really big into pieces that you will keep forever IKEA has like a few things that are not the worst but like I'm not into if you're spending $200 on a dresser that's going to last you two years

you have to spend another $200 like it adds up and then it's like you could have just bought an $800 dresser and you could have had it for the rest of your life where would you get it Um, I like to look on Craigslist. I like to look on Facebook marketplace.

I love a good secondhand solid. You can't find a ton of solid wood furniture these days in these big box stores. Yeah. Everything is like put together. Even like, you know, Bob's furniture, like it's not solid wood. Nothing's solid wood anymore. I love a good thrift piece. I love going to housing works and finding something.

Yeah, I love like curating a bunch of different experiences and like niche things. Like I love, um, when people have yard sales or when they have vintage shit. Yes, I like finishing furniture. I like mixing metals. I like having, you know, I have gold. I have copper. I have silver.

I like doing all of that. I don't like to follow the rules per se. I love that. And it's true. I didn't realize. Like I used to just live in an apartment. It was like a hospital room. I was like, I'm not going to live it forever.

But curating your space. And I'm like a cat. Like I don't want to live in a mansion one day. Like I don't need extra space gives me anxiety. Like I want. just like my coziness of a home. Yes. So that's like mature of you to like be in touch with

your home space. Yeah. My home space is my place like my it's so funny because you know Tim Dylan right? Yes. So Tim always used to say like you know he used to ask me what my dreams were and I'd be like my dream is that I marry

a retired garbage man with grown children so I don't have to raise his children and you know we could live off of his pension and we have like a three bedroom two bathroom with a small yard with a pool that's above ground he's like even your wildest fantasies are like mediocre well tim knows like the best of the best he knows yeah i mean we used to go to the hamptons together many many uh weekends you guys need to come to the hamptons for summer house one of our parties oh my god that see that i think i'd be

very terrified of i mean it's dirty it's right you'd contract syphilis immediately I would be very nervous. The hot tub is where I thrive, and it is so dirty. But it's mostly my dirt. So I'm kind of like, welcome. So you are the dirt. I would come maybe like eight or nine in the morning to help set up, and then like as people started coming, I'd be like, okay, bye.

Yeah, then you dip out. Right. Well, that was a fun experience. When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath or anger? I mean, how do I choose? Do you remember when you were? telling me on the Only in New York podcast how you were like having a fight with Amazon because you were trying to return a different pot than they gave you. Oh yeah. Yeah. I mean I think

oh okay this is another Amazon story. Real real like you see red like you want everyone to die wrath. Yeah. Okay so I made an Amazon fresh order because I've been trying to order my grocery so I don't have to go out and it was a big order and I was going to be set for like two weeks and you know how hard it is to get a spot in delivery. possible almost impossible right so i was up at all hours of the night i found this spot i got it and then i get an email the night before the delivery and it says i'm sorry you've canceled your order and i was like i've canceled my order so i started talking to an amazon rep on on chat and i was like hey it says that i canceled my order i didn't cancel my order he's like well you must

have canceled your order and i'm like no i did it i didn't cancel my order i was like this is an emergency he goes if this is an emergency please call 9-1-1 and i was like he a dick to you yes so then i said to him i said um you know this is really unfair i don't understand what's going on i can't get another slot and he goes i suggest you take a nap and then try again i go take a nap he goes yes take a nap or take a sleep what and then he's like if you're still having problems please call 911 Dude, he must be getting, you know what happened? They probably fucked up. They canceled a bunch of orders and they're getting like reamed out by a bunch of people.

And they're mad because it wasn't obviously him that did it. And he has to deal with the wrath. Right. So, but he wasn't even giving me a straight answer. So then the next day I get an email saying, I'm sorry, we canceled your order. Here's a $20 credit. But it's like, I don't want a $20 credit. I wanted my $1,000 worth of grocery.

So I would never have to leave the house ever again. Yep. Wow. Well, yeah, he was thinking a take about it and made it so much worse. take a nap he told me to take a nap $20 fucking take a sleep take a sleep

I'll take you take a sleep after I punch you in the face you never wake up that's right call 911 could you imagine 911 what's your emergency my Amazon fresh order got canceled and I think I'm going to puke uh huh and I had Roma tomatoes in that order

and I don't know if you know but I'm Italian that is so funny yeah that was definitely the man of they've been in a long time. Oh my god. Okay um when was last time you were a sloth and like didn't had a lazy day? Okay so on uh Easter I uh was very upset so I woke up and I took a hydroxazine okay hydroxazine. Do you know what this is? What is that like hydrocodone? No it's it's like it's almost like a antihistamine. Okay and I don't like to take anything that's addictive so my doctor prescribed these for me because I'm scared of everything. So it's like it's like a very so I have a 10

milligram dose of hydroxazine which is like nothing. I think that you could give a rabbit this dose. Yeah like 10 milligrams is nothing. Right. Like mostly people take like 40 milligrams. So I took 10 milligrams and then I just slept all day long. Like I can't hand like this is like this is why I can't drink too. Like I would have a half of a course light and people were like hey can someone call like her guardian or something and get her out of here. I have a question for you because I feel like we're similar in this we're both fun and loud right do you agree how do you deal with when you're fun and loud and you don't do cocaine and you don't like to drink and people get disappointed when they want you to be the party like does that happen to you well i used to work in a restaurant i'll tell

you this yeah and i remember i used to work a lot of lunch shifts and i had a lot of fun at this restaurant that i worked it was one of my favorite jobs in the whole world which restaurant all of my friends work it was famous daves it was a barbecue restaurant in long island and And I had so much fun. It was just like, you know when you have like the perfect staff? Yes. The chemistry is right. Yeah.

Yes. It was just so much fun. And I used to come in in the morning to like set up lunch shift. And I was like always like into it. Like I would have so I just, I just loved it. And I remember my manager called me into the office. This was, I was there for like maybe five months. And he called me in and he was like, listen, whatever you do in the morning before you get here.

He's like, is none of my business. he's like but you can't be bringing this into the restaurant and I was like I don't know what I don't know what that means and he's like okay I'm gonna say it again he's like look at me he goes whatever you do outside of work is fine it's not my business he's like but you can't do it at work and I was like oh my god you think I do cocaine I'm like I am okay like no no no I don't even do I'm sober I've been sober for like 12 years like I'm like I'm like I'm sober for like 12 years like I'm I'm all the way sober. So then when I quit the job to get an office job and we had like, you know, we used to go out after work and like drink and hang out. I mean, I didn't drink, but I hung out. And one of my other managers called me outside and was like, hey, can you get a bag? And I was like, a bag of what?

And I was like, oh, you guys still think I do Coke? I'm like, no. That is so funny because people always think I'm drunk or high because I eat a lot and I giggle a lot and I'm crazy like I'll be on giggly squad at night with page and people are like I love when they drink and I'm like later not drunk but I like after my comedy shows people come up to me and be like so excited they're like hey come out with us we got you we have cocaine and I have to look them the eye and disappoint them of this image they've created of me and go I want to go to bed and they're like yeah what and I like I hate drink I'm a talent I want to eat I don't care for

alcohol but like I don't want to go full sober just because like I feel like it's extreme to be like sure I mean listen if you don't have a problem and it doesn't I don't have a problem but part of me thinks like if I just said I'm sober people would leave me alone more because if I'm just like I don't want to people are like well you just tell them you're pregnant oh my god you nailed it you're right yeah just always say I'm pregnant I used to say like I could be pregnant question mark like you never really know yeah you can't risk when do you really know I mean you were told by a psychic you were pregnant and you're Right. You're probably the Virgin Mary at this point. Exactly.

This is the hard one. When was the last time you let your pride get in the way of something? I think that I threw a tantrum recently. It wasn't, yeah, it was like probably like one of the last shows that I did. I did Wendy Starling and Christina Hutchinson show Glammer Puss. Yeah, I've done that before too. It's so fun. What a great show, right?

So I was like, oh, I'm going to get this tape. I have to get this tape. I had to submit for something. And I have to get this tape. and I have to do these jokes and I have to get this tape it's going to be amazing so I set up

I brought my iPad I mean I went big I brought my iPad on a freaking tripod and it was the tallest tripod in the land I basically brought

a camera crew with it to get this tape and I did okay but like it wasn't that feeling of like oh I crushed yeah like I was like

all right well that wasn't the worst like I wouldn't not get rebooked like no one's going to say I bombed but it wasn't it wasn't the tape I wanted yeah and I think like I lost my mind after that show and I was like I need this tape I need this tape you don't understand I need this tape and then I think that the the pandemic coming was really like for me because then everything got canceled there's no more TV production so that the shows are not getting produced um nothing's happening so I'm like thank you God that was for me

right that's because i got upset about that tape also i feel like comics get like really mad when they just do okay yeah but i usually don't care yeah it's just you were obsessed with that tape and it'll it probably psyched you out how much you it sucks but like the way you do well is not caring but you you you want to do well to care too much so it's this it's this bad thing also i have this bad habit of like i will like two jokes won't hit and i'll be like i bombed and people like that's not bombing and i'm like No, like those jokes, I bombed. And they're like, no, you'll know when you bomb.

But I literally say my bomb. Also, like, at the end of the day, if they're paying you the money, you didn't bomb. True. Like, I'm literally out of control where I'll be so hard on myself. They're, like, two jokes, one hit, and I'll say I bombed. So it's like, it's just, it's all perspective. And yeah, the key is with tennis, I care too much. But I'm like, but if you don't care, then you suck.

So it's really this, like, thin line of amount that you. And I think what I realize is care about the experience, like, enjoying the experience. but don't care about the result, if that makes sense. Like, care about, like, that the jokes you, like, really are in the moment with them and you're listening to the audience and you're, like, you're feeling yourself. I had people, I had people reach out to me after that show. And they were like, hey, I saw you on Wendy's show. You were amazing.

I saw you on Christina's show. And I was like, no, I wasn't amazing. Dude, I literally said I bombed and have DMs going, like, oh, my God. Yeah. We thought you were the funniest. And I'm like, then I'm like, what reality is, what is this? What am I living in right now? I'm so mean.

Or you think like you tape a really shitty podcast and you're like, should I even put this out? This is garbage. And then you put it out and people are like, oh my God, I'm obsessed with this episode. Okay, this was my biggest advice. When I first started, like, you know when you first start? You're just trying really hard, like on podcast to be really funny all the time. And you're just always like, how to make this line the funniest. Then, like, one day I just didn't try.

And my, I was doing this radio show and that's how I got like kind of my chops. And the co-host was like, you were amazing today. And I was like, I literally didn't try to be funny at all. And that's when I realized, like... Yeah, you have to come naturally. Yeah, when you stop trying to be funny and you're yourself, that's what I was talking to Paige who isn't in comedy is doing giggly scott with me at night.

And she was like, I feel pressure. We have to be funny every night. I go, I'm telling you when you don't try to be funny. When people enjoy you, they do because I know, because my co-host, Noel, is my best friend. She's not a comic. And our conversations are so funny. And she's like, yeah, but I'm not a comic.

And I'm like, you don't have to be a comic. It's the chemistry. You are so funny. Yes. Everyone is fucking funny in New York When I was growing up I was not like I'm the funny one We'd all shit on each other

Like my dad's the funniest person I ever met Like I'm just I'm just trying to exist within Because New York we're all fucking stressed We're all We're all neurotic We're all immigrants We're all immigrants who are fucking anxious

Because we're all traumatic genetics Right We're just neurotic We're neurotic people And I think that that is people people do like even my only new york podcast like people just are like oh your accent is funny and i'm like well first of all i don't have an accent i'm a classically trained um actress but i'm a classically straight 90 day podcast host you bitch i don't know if you know but my ex-boy

went to tish so thank you i don't write the subway i'm a classy classy bitch exactly when was the last time you lusted over someone Oh God Like do you have a celebrity crush Oh this is so embarrassing Tell me I have two I have two

One of them I feel like is more obtainable than the other Number one Alec Baldwin Oh my God Have you met him in a person before? Yes I have So I had lunch with Alec Baldwin And I'm going to explain that

It's not what it sounds like So I bought an apartment And my mom took me out to celebrate she took me out to lunch so we went to uh olives the w hotel yes okay so we go there and there's banquette seating which means that there's a chair on one side a bench on the other side i sit on the bench side alec Baldwin and someone sit at the next table so we're sharing a bench he's sitting next to me and we're sat like basically at the same time and i look at my mother with wide eyes and she is

mouthing to me don't you dare don't you dare he's going to hit you because you remember Alec has you know some history of being a little bit aggressive but you do also so right so I'm like we could punch each other in the but you see at the time Alec didn't know that I was famous so it was hard for him yeah I understand that would have been embarrassing for him tonight I didn't say hello to him

but he was wearing um it was winter very cold out and he was wearing a white like a heens team shirt and a burberry scarf and he looked so hot what was he like were you listening in i don't know i just i couldn't even like really eat like i i went like numb that's like when you have to tell the person with you like i need to listen to everything happening on the table next to me mom so like you can talk at me but it's not happening like you ever like gets so invested in someone else's conversation he was having a business meeting with some guy and i'm just like trying to listen and i'm like this restaurant is too loud we can't

can't meet here anymore but also i'm proud of you being a classic new yorker of like not even saying one thing to the celebrity sitting next to you no and i used to i used to catch him sometimes in the hamps i never said anything yeah um he has nice eyes god i love him so much but i couldn't be the hilarious that you know what i mean like i couldn't be that for him you'd have to like do yoga all the time well first of all she's popped out like seven kids for him that look exactly the same it has affected her body in no way nope uh i can't be that for him you You know, so it's like, I'm glad that they found each other. I'm glad that she...

What do you like about him? I just love his face. I just, I love, I've loved him. This is so creepy. I've loved him since Beetlejuice. Like, do you know what your beetle juice was? That was like, what, 1989? Do you like older guys?

Yeah, I think I do. Look at you. Who's your other one? This is a little bit more embarrassing. Okay. A little bit less, you know, dreamy. Yeah. I don't even know if I'm,

I should tell you. But no one's going to listen to this, right? No. Okay, cool. I'm probably going to delete it. Joey Fetone. Oh my God. Who we have a very close mutual friend.

We have a few mutual friends. And it's just been very hard for me. Wait. Because I have to pretend that I'm a normal person. Wait. I'm obsessed, obsessed with this. So when NSYNC was a thing, he was the one that you gravitated towards. I didn't care.

Listen, Insink was cool. I was a regular amount of fan of Insync. You know what I mean? Like, it was cool. But, you know, everyone was like, Justin Timberlake, Justin Timberlake. But I had a different relationship with Joey. Like, I thought that we were going to be together. He was the relatable one.

You could tell, like, he was probably the most fun to get a beer with. Also, I have a theory, like, not that you look like him, but you both have, like, nice eyebrows and, like, puppy dog eyes. And I feel like you might in his eyes see, like, yourself because, like, we're all kind of... Yeah. I think I do because I could totally see this because I'm obsessed with you too thank you can we be together he's like a chubby Italian I'm a chubby Italian like I thought I was like I'm definitely going to run into him at a pizzeria at some point in our lives like we are going to cross pants I was always J.C girl like I was like everyone like Justin I was like J.C is hotter and he's better at singing and he doesn't get the respected deserves oh I don't know I mean at least it wasn't Chris Kurt Patrick that you just said that's no I would never I like see all right i mean again i need a little bit more of a man like a manly man joey fatone just seems like the regular guy that fell into a boy band yes he looks like someone pulled him off the street

was like can you just just mouth and he was like yeah whatever that's fine he he looks like hosting and stuff well he said now he has the hosting he he used to uh he used to do the food network stuff yes and he's just i don't know he he i was following his marriage for a I was like, this is never going to last. And they ended up getting divorced, which, I mean, I don't want to say it was my fault, but, you know, I did put that energy out. And now I think he has a girlfriend and I'm like, I don't know. That's selfish of him. I do think I need to start looking at some of these, like, more niche former celebrities and try to see if I could get them on my podcast.

Because, like, he's someone I love on my podcast. 100%. All you have to do is ask. That is something that I have learned about just being in entertainment, being in anything like, it's not that hard first of all everyone's home right now yeah no one's new shit Joey Faton's not busy Joey Faton doesn't have shit to do

just throwing it out there I have reached out to celebrities in the past in my life I also I would watch a movie this is like something crazy about me I would watch a movie

and if it was like a small enough production if I liked someone in the movie I would just like email them I would just like research enough there was this one guy that I liked he was in an indie film I emailed the producer and he set us up

and we started dating. What? Yeah. I was very young. I told him that I was 26 and I was 18. I love how you think outside the box and you're driven

and you don't give a fuck what people think. Yeah. I mean, I was 18. He was like, I would never date a young girl. I was like, well, that's a good thing that I'm 26 then.

That's a good thing. I'm 72. Thank God. Yeah. And then we ran into each other years later. and he asked me he was doing something for HBO and I was like by the HBO building

and he was like how old are you now? I haven't seen you in forever and I was like oh my God I'm 25 and he's like that's so weird because you were 26 when we dated 10 years ago and I was like yeah I was like isn't that crazy how's his career going he's still he's doing it good for him he's still doing it yeah so I want to wrap this up

with one final question I asked all my guests which is what do you do to cope with your hell like what would you tell people who are going through hell right now on how to cope i do so many things to cope with my hell um i think therapy twice a week is definitely helpful um you could swim in the bathtub that's what i do for most of my day just like hours and hours and hours just sitting in the bathtub looking at instagram do you have any like um certain like aromatherapies or candles when you do it or is it just straight bath I switch out my bubble baths.

I really do enjoy. I do the Target brand because I'm cheap, but the coconut Epsons salt. Oh yeah, I heard that's nice. Yeah, I take a little swim with that. I clean my house obsessively. You know, just make sure. You know, when I worked in the restaurant, they used to say,

if you can lean, you could clean, meaning like you should never not be busy. And I think that that's how I live my life. I love that. And it makes you not only clean. on with your skin but also in your household and we hope that everyone's staying safe and healthy and clean right now tracy i'm so happy you came on where can people follow you you said there's a documentary that dropped just give people the updates so there's a documentary that uh just dropped on

vice called my life with germophobia you could check that out on all vices social media also you could check me out my social media is at trixie tuzini t r i x i et u zi and i on instagram and Twitter and you could go to tracy carnazzo.com for all of my projects. I have a podcast called Only in New York with Andrea Allen and Hemda. I also have 90 day fiance trash talk and teen mom trash talk. So if you guys watch any kind of garbage, you know, I'm your girl. We didn't even touch on reality TV, which is hilarious, but you're, oh my God. Can we just go for a few more hours? Yeah, you yourself are actually way more interesting. Thank you so much. Yeah, I love you so much. Thank you for coming to hell. And I'll talk to you guys later. Bye.