Berner Phone - Violet Benson: Private Parts & Ski Problems

Episode Date: March 9, 2023

Violet is back in hell for a wild ep about porn addiction, guys going down on you, and all her current struggles that she is coping with (all very fun and cute!) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Burning in Hell. What's up, guys? We're back to Burning in Hell talking about demons with, honestly, the person who's been on the pod, I think, the most in the history of burning in hell. What? Violet Benson, bitch, is back. Yay! You know her from almost adulting. You know her from daddy issues.

You know her from literally her faces everywhere. Her tits are everywhere. You flew all the way from L.A. today to be here. Yeah, just for the day. And people are so surprised that I'm doing that. You're just like a next level jet setter. I feel like. Yeah.

And it's also called Adderall, but yeah. But Adderall, you can do anything. Also, your family came from Russia. So like going across countries, not that big of a deal. Well, I'm so allergic to my cat that I was actually so excited to fly somewhere to take one day off. from her so I can enjoy fresh air and not have allergies. Wait, I did not know you were allergic to pancake. Are you joking?

No. Isn't she like, and she's not hyperalogenic? No. She sheds on everything I've ever. Even when she's not next to me, somehow I have hair on her hair on me. That is your, right now. Yep. She, she makes sure you never forget her.

That's a toxic trait of yours, the one thing you love being the thing that hurts you. It's literally my most toxic relationship of my life is the one. I have with my cat. And you know what? I said, it's 2023 and it's time to get rid of anything that's toxic in my life. And I'm starting with my cat. So when I come home, I said, bitch, you better be out of the house when I'm back. No, you did not. Yeah. I was like, you're gone. I don't care what happens to you. Not my problem. You don't pay rent. You're not thankful. Has she ever got me a gift for my birthday? Never. She's so ungrateful. She's not even a text. Not even a text. She's so ungrateful. She's always like, mom, food. Mom, I pooped. Mom, I scratched everything.

Mom, I shed and everything. Can I have pancakes? Yeah, you can take her. I don't know what's going on with you. Who took over your body? I'm kidding. I'm so obsessed with her. I was just like, I have moments where I was recording other things today.

And there's these random moments where I would just be like, I miss my cat. I know. But most guys tell me they're allergic and I think they're lying. They just are sexist. I know they're lying because I tell guys I'm allergic to dogs. if I think they're dogs ugly. So they're lying. I am allergic, but not as bad as I am to cats.

Which dogs do you think are ugly? Most of them. You know, anyway, okay, wait. So long story short, we're back in New York. I'm here for the day. I flew in this morning. I did some stuff for someone. And then I record two other podcasts and now we're here.

I haven't seen you in six months, bitch. Stop. Six months. It's been since July when I went over to your house. Really? Yeah. What has changed? What's going on?

Okay. You were celibate by choice? By choice. I don't really, I don't like these terms. I feel like I see people sometimes post and want to show off like, look, I've been celibaba. I'm like, what is the big deal? It's like, you're the fucking or you're not. Everyone goes through dry spells.

It's not a big deal. I masturbate all. the time. But you know why I just realized it was so funny. What? I forget that people get really nervous about their phones because they're being shady. And I forgot, I forget that when I date, I'm always so fidgety with my phone. And I never realized until the interview I just did earlier today that people may take it as me being shady when in reality, I always get so nervous they're going to see the porn sites I'm on. And that's why I put my phone away. And they're thinking, like, she must be talking to so many guys. Like, I don't have time.

My fingers are so busy. So you leave the porn sites on your phone? Because at one point I was going to the private sites. And then I'm like, who am I hiding from? My cat? Like, I live alone. Yeah. It's not a big deal.

It's not a bad team. So I start going. But now it's like on my, you know how sometimes you have the safe search? Yes. Or like the windows where the ones you visit the most. I'm like, come on. I don't even visit it that much. Shut off.

So I watched porn on my computer. Is that crazy? No, I do that too. Oh. You're like, I use all the screens. I'm not discriminating against a screen. I've never, though, sad and done on my TV. No, I've never done TV.

That feels that, then I would feel like I have a problem. Then I'd be like... Yeah, then you're creepy. Then you have a sex addiction. Wait, by the way, I haven't had sex since last six months ago, but I've, guys have still gone down on me. Just kind of clarify. You just haven't had P and the V.

Yeah. I've just, I've made the decision a while. back to work on myself. So you're the only one to let orgasm? No, no, I'll return the favor if it's good. Honestly, the guys that have been dating have changed my mindset, aside for me getting to know men more and not getting to attach to them, the fact that I've ever dated any men that made me feel weird about my vagina or feel nervous about going down.

You know, I feel like when we're younger, we date, when we're in our early 20s, we date, or teenagers we date guys and there's and everything we learn about sex is through porn and that's what we think we're supposed to be we're supposed to just act like a porn star and and you know and then you don't even bother having them go down you're like no no no no it's fine don't worry about it babe like let me just suck you off and it's so nice when you start dating older guys oh yes or what i consider older like just not you know someone in their 20s early 20s and they're so obsessed with like going down on you making you orgasm like this one guy that I was talking to a while back I didn't even we we can't even stand each other yeah we randomly one time

started hooking up no sex though and he like went down on me then after he finished going down me he like started trying to make me um squirt and I didn't I've never scored before I was like excited for the journey though maybe this will happen for me I've always wanted this to happen And like, and then, and then when he was disappointed, because I didn't, I wasn't even sure if I scored. I was like, wait, did I square? Why am I? Or did I pee on you? Yeah.

Whether I pee? I had no idea what was happening. He was just like, oh, whatever. And then I thought we were done. He flips me over and he starts eating my ass. And I was like, wow. Wait, is this good or bad? I was so impressed.

Ah. I was just like, and it felt so good by how obsessed he was with pleasuring me. I mean, he literally just kept licking my whole body. And then when he flipped me over to lick my butthole, he was like, licking my V again. He was like, licking my V again. And it's, and like the guys that have dated, even though I haven't slept with them, the fact that they've been so excited to just pleasure me. Yeah. Like, even this one guy, I was like, oh, I'll just use my vibrator.

And he still wanted to try to eat me out while I was using my vibrator. Yeah. Like they were just so, they're so obsessed with my V. Yeah. And it's such a, after that, I'm like, I wouldn't, I can never imagine dating the men of dated when I was younger. The fact that I just so focused on their pleasure and forgot I had any. Sex. Thank you for sharing all that.

Sex in your, this is an auto erotic. I mean, what is it called? Audio erotic, whatever. I just think that guys having sex with you in your early 20s, it can fuck your shit up because they don't know what they're doing. You don't know what you're doing. You both don't know what each other wants. And then next thing you know, you think that's what sex is. Yes, literally.

Or even when they say silly things like, I normally, can I say, I hate using the P word, but I'll just say it. Let's see. I've said it like four times already. Oh. But you know, when they make comments and they think it's so flattering, like, I don't really like eating pussy, but I love yours. And then it still doesn't make you feel good because you're like, oh, so is he just normally disgusted, but he's doing me a favor?

I'm confused. I feel like first date we should start asking guys, do you like eating pussy? Literally. Because it's like, I don't want to be fucking four weeks in. And then he suddenly has this conspiracy theory against vaginas. I just think it says a lot about a guy. if he like at least i don't i just think it's weird if he doesn't yeah i agree also it's if he that's such a it's a like um it's called triangulation narcissists use it where they're like

compare you to other people like i don't normally like that in other people but i like it in you but there's other people and compare your it's just like a comparing controlling tactic exactly it's just i don't know it's it's i think a lot of women are just genuinely feel weird about their private parts. It's so true. I never really, like, loved guys going down on me. Me too.

It's, it complicates things. It's like, okay, well, now I have to be conscious of, like, if I'm going to fart in his face, if I'm going to do something weird, if, like, I'm going to poke him in the eye with my Italian pubic hair. My ex-boyfriend used to do this weird thing aside from a cheat on me all the time. He did this other silly thing where he would always want me to send him pictures. of my vagina. And then I'd be like, let's call him Bob. And I'd be like, come on, Bob. No. And you thread me. He's going to break up with me if I don't. So then I know now looking

looking back, it sounds insane. Right. I know. But then we were together for like on off for eight years. It took me a long time to learn my lesson. But it's so crazy. And he would be like, come on, send me a picture of your vagina. I need to see it. I need to see it. And then I'd be like, no, please. And then I'd be like, okay, fine. But last one. And then I sent him a picture of it. And then he's like, no, V, you know which one I want. And I'd be like, no, Bob, please don't make me do it. And he's like, V, send it to me. I'm going to break up with you.

And he would love it when I would open my lips and send him the one from the inside. I don't be so disgusted in my own vagina because I still don't really understand. You know, I'm not coming to my own body. And be like, please, Bob, no, don't make me do it. He's like, send it. And I was like, looking at the video, you're like, with, I'm like. And I wouldn't even look at the picture I just send it and I'd be like

Okay But it's so you didn't have like a comfortable understanding of like why he was into it And he also was like not hot I felt shame Yeah that's also not a hot experience when you're like not comfortable with it You're being threatened Yeah Yeah but also it's like he wasn't making you feel comfortable

And then you didn't even feel like proud of it Because you didn't even understand why the fuck he was being so forceful about it Literally like thinking Looking back at it now, I finally realized, oh, he was obsessed with my V. Yeah. But when I was younger, I didn't understand why he kept wanting it. Although one time he also said, do you still have a picture of my dick? And I said, yeah.

And he's like, can you send me that too? And I was like, what? Why? He's like, send it to me. I'm going to break up with you. I just, you know, when you said you like watching porn on your phone, I just envisioned you like one of those ESPN commercials where you're on a date, but instead of trying to watch a football game, you're trying to watch porn and he's like talking to you like shut the fuck up.

Or I open my phone trying to show something. It's like was how's that music goes just like singles in your area. Do you feel like there's porn you've watched that have made that has made you feel more comfortable with yourself or gain confidence? Or is it just like constant like, okay, this is some weird porn shit that I'm not going to try to like copy? There's some porn I would say. that makes me laugh I have a few favorite I have a few favorite

comedy porn I have a few favorite porn but one thing that pisses me off the most about porn is when it's someone that's coming over to fix something in your house and then I scroll to the end to see what happened

and they never fix the thing and it pisses okay there's this one point that I love when it's like your house is falling down No, this plumber guy, this girl, her boyfriend ties her up and then they hear something and the boyfriend's like, no, I'm out. It must be your dad. And he leaves the girlfriend still tied up, which is so weird. Why would he leave her naked tied up? If it's her dad, it's weird, whatever. So she's tied up and then the plumber comes over because she called the plumber earlier. And he's like, oh, where's your boyfriend? She's like, just untie me. He's like, but do you like this? And she's like, oh, my God, yeah, so much. You know, of course. That's usually. But anyway, then they're banging. And the whole time I'm sitting there and I'm like, is he going to fix the toilet? Drip, drip.

Because she literally says, my dad called. He's going to be so mad at me. We need to fix it. And then they forget about it. Signs you live alone in your 30s. You're like, can someone just help his girl out? And then I go all the way to the end. He remembers to come on her face.

But does he remember to fix the toilet? No. Absolutely not. Her dad's going to be so pissed at her. These plumbers out here, like never plumbing the right pipes. But you have to like relax with the porn, you know, you can't overdo it because I remember at one point I needed handy people to come to my house to fix my sing. And I kid you not, these two men came over my house to fix my sink. And I kind of looked at for a second and my brain goes, oh my God. This could totally happen. Like I could totally bang them right now. Like this is a porno. And then I was just like, oh my God, this is a friend's episode where if you watch too much porn on accident, you realize that everything can be a porn scene if you make it happen. If you believe in it anything could become a porn scene. We're on casting couch right now.

Yeah. Literally it was two buff men in my house fixing my sink. And I looked at him for a second. You just like tying yourself up. They're like, are you okay? But yeah, I was like, oh my God, this is how it happens. And then I was like, are they thinking about that? They're also thinking about this?

Like, no. They're not. They're not. With strippers with like police strippers. Like when the police come in and then they strip for like bettrip parties and stuff. Now whenever I see a hot. policeman. I'm just like, what are you going to do? You're not keeping that shirt on. Are you going to do it or do I need to ask? Not that hot with a police uniform that's not going to rip it off and have a

little man thong on. Yeah. Make yourself useful. Ask next time. Are you going to do it or do I need to ask twice? Help me, officer. Okay, so it sounds like you are the most sexual, least sex active person I've ever met. It's weird. I think when you go a long time with that, it you miss it less i don't even i suffer what it feels like this point i'm like getting over that has your vagina like sewn itself up right you're a virgin again yeah i'm basically a virgin yeah pretty crazy well even even when i've masturbated i don't put anything inside of me is this an energy thing oh yeah i definitely don't like exchanging energy but i think it was more working on myself i think after me and the last guy we were talking when we ended things and he basically

broke up with me because he felt like he wasn't ready to rush into anything and he was like I just can't do this right now and I was like what are you talking about we're not even exclusive and he's like we're not and I was like are we I was like what it shows it's like so in people's heads like their own perspective of what's going on yeah so I was confused because I was still talking to other people yeah not hooking up with anyone else him and I weren't having sex so he knows that I said I'm I don't sleep with someone unless I decided I want to be exclusive with them where did you meet this guy through friends But anyway, he's a nice person, but anyway, it didn't work out.

And then for three days, I had to make him feel better about our breakup by holding him while he would cry my arms for breaking up with me. And I know as crazy as it sounds, like, you know, it sounds insane. It sounds crazy. And yet, I was there making him feel better. And it's not because I'm, like, such a good person, like, I'm sure I am. But obviously, you have to sit there and you have to think, what? Where are my motives coming from? So, of course, after that, I started thinking,

why was I so helpful for three days just holding him while he's crying in my arms, dumping me? And I realized, because I was looking at that and I was thinking, wow, if this guy could feel so much after dumping me after one month, imagine how much he could feel if he loved me and he was with me for longer. And it was that feeling of, wow,

he has so many emotions, I want all of them. And like... Oh, so it made you want him more. There's nothing to do with him It was more I stuck around Because it was this way Where I could speed up intimacy with someone

It was fake intimacy He wasn't crying over dumping me It had nothing to do with me He was going through his own issues Where I think he was going through He broke up with someone in the past He thought he was finally over it And then dating me

He realized he's not And he was upset that he really wanted to date me And he's not ready He was disappointed with himself Okay, that makes a lot more sense. So, right. But in that moment, I'm not realizing that. I'm focusing on me.

So I'm looking at him, I'm thinking, wow, this person has so many emotions about leaving me. And it's only been a month. Imagine if we were together for six months, how much she could possibly love me. And the feel, and it's like, and then when I realized that that's what I was experiencing, I was like, oh, wow, I'm not over my abandonment issues. Like, this is coming from bandamination issues, coming from daddy issues. Like, I'm looking for fast. intimacy without actually opening up to anyone. And you realize, like, sometimes breakups, you really see the person for who they are

because they take all their walls down. They're not pretending anymore and they're just, like, being fucking real. Right. And sometimes it brings out, like, really hidden stuff that you were, like, tucked away. Yeah. And it's kind of a beautiful bonding moment. Like, you'll never see him in that vulnerability. Yeah, but I think for both of us, it wasn't a bad.

about each other. It wasn't about us growing together by sharing vulnerability and then growing more. It was, it was us learning something from it and it was both of our own journeys. Like after that, I was just, to be honest, exhausted of dating. So I kind of stopped dating and then I ended up focusing on work a little too much. And then I was also not feeling good in my body. And I think, I think there's this whole thing of destination where you always think to yourself, once I do this, then I'll be happy. Once I do this, I got really. really hard of myself and I was like well once I lose weight then I'll feel ready to date someone because I didn't feel comfortable getting naked in front of anyone because I gain way after getting off birth control and I couldn't lose it and it was making me feel bad about myself I remember you talking about that on social media which was super fucking vulnerable a vulnerable queen I actually like five days ago just stopped taking my birth control yeah but most people don't gain weight when they get off birth control They say you actually lose weight sometimes because it's like less estrogen.

Actually, I don't know. I'm not a scientist. But not me. Why did you gain weight? Ask my body. I don't know. Why do you ask you for fucking questions? I know.

I guess we'll never know. Why did your, very valid. Why did you get off birth control? I got off birth control because a part of me felt ready to freeze my eggs. And I think that's another thing that a lot of us women. it's hard for us to, it's hard to get to the point that you're thinking, oh, is it time for me to freeze my eggs when you hit your 30s? Because it kind of makes you feel that part of you thinks you failed because what you're supposed to do with your body is, you know, get pregnant the natural way. Or if you go through the process of freezing your eggs, then it's, for me, felt like confirmation that I am getting older.

Because I don't feel older, but my body is getting older. I can't help it. So it was me having to be forced with the fact that I'm getting older. And also, it's the fear of, can I even get pregnant? Which we don't even think about. We just are scared of it our whole life. And then one day we're like, wait, is it even possible? I was literally, I'm going through the process right now.

And I was literally so scared to find out. One of the reasons I didn't want to do it at first, because I was too scared to find out when they figure out if I have. How many eggs are? How my ovaries are? Yeah. I was just, I was so sure that I had nothing. there because it's like we all had that one time that our boyfriend came inside of us and we didn't get pregnant and we're like oh it's because I can't give birth yeah but my ovaries are great

apparently they were super young I found out it was nice but when I got birth control I gained 10 pounds that I couldn't lose and then I got acne on my chest on my back being a woman is so annoying I still six months later I still have random acne on my back which again made me feel insecure by myself. And then I would get acne on my... This is all hormonal, by the way. Neck. Yeah. All hormonal. And it's cis acne. Cystic, yeah. Cistic, yeah. Cic. Sorry. I still have it. Like, I still have it. And I still have random acne on my back. And of course, it's not fun. I, as someone who just got off my birth control, and then I was also, like, switching on to Prozac from Paxil, because apparently Paxil,

it's a necessary that you can't, you should not get pregnant on, but no one told me that. And I was God forbid I accidentally get pregnant. So I'm switching all this stuff. I break my hand and I'm just like having all these feelings and I feel like I was kind of PMSing and I'm like, is it because I'm off my birth control? I'm switching this and then I started like spotting because I went off my birth control. And then I'm also trying to have like a full stand-up tour and I'm like, being a woman is so fucking hard.

And like hearing you talk to like we were talking about Trevor Wallace, who's this amazing comedian, he's like around my age and I was like Trevor, you're like me like we're on tour whatever imagine if you also were like what if i accidentally had a kid or decided to have a kid have a kid in the next five years imagine having to factor that into all your shit and he's like i don't care of it this crazy i mean my girl she wants it she but like you're such an impressive iconic entrepreneur and you've been in the game for a fucking long time and you've reinvented yourself 78 years dinosaurs were around it's incredible and your ovaries are so fresh as a little pumpkin i do the fact that you've been like

able to combat all this but I also think it's because you're so vulnerable and because so many people can like be on this journey with you also I'm laughing so hard because we were like what should we talk about and we've literally talked about the hottest topic so far I know but you know what else is so lame yeah I'm I'm getting my period so I usually get it the first week of the month yeah so I'm about to get my period so I start to PMS as the worst is when I feel bloated and I get really emotional. Yeah. And I got emotional on the plane because basically I'm legally deaf in my left ear.

Yeah. And I've never made a big deal. Like I never really cared about it at all until the pandemic happened. And during a pandemic, it was the first time that it was kind of in my face because people wear a mask and they have to be far away from me. So I couldn't read their lips and I can't hear them. Yes. So it was the first time that I didn't know how to react.

but I try to just pretend like it's not happening because I just don't want to add on it makes me feel weak you know because it's something that I can't fix yes I guess with a hearing ape I don't like I don't know I can't explain I'm like in denial of it doesn't go well with your outfits no but it's the same thing it's kind of I'm like I'm in denial about it like I don't want to add another thing so two days ago or like yesterday I was laying on my cat and but I was listening to her purr and I was listening to her purr with my right ear when I randomly was looking at something, I flipped over with my left ear, and I could barely hear it. Like, at this point, I could hear like 5% or maybe I'd even hear it. And suddenly my brain goes, fuck, I didn't even, I didn't, I didn't, are you joking? Like, I haven't even processed the fact

that I could potentially fully lose the hearing in my left ear. Like, am I just, like, I just, like I just lost the 10 pounds that I was feeling shitty about, you know? And I just accepted my back cackney and here I am now I'm like for fuck's sake like another thing and I don't want to be that I'm supposed to be strong like all the time and like that's just who I am and like that's my character online and who I am as a person so it's hard for me sometimes when there's these moments where I'm just like it's one after the other of things that you're probably like I'm like I'm supposed to be strong and this is breaking me a little to think of like I could I do even have a chance to think of the fact that this is another thing I have to consider

which is my hearing can go completely be gone soon. What happened? What happened on the plane? So on the plane, so here it is. So when I bought my ticket this time, I put in deaf or like partially deaf or whatever on the ticket. So then I'm in the, there's two seats and I'm more closer to the window and there's a lot of noise on the plane. And the stewardess is trying to talk to me and I can hear her. And normally at this point, I'm just over it.

I'm like, I'm sorry, pardon, pardon, I keep saying pardon, and then I go, and then she goes, oh, my God, right, I'm so sorry because they know our seats because it's like in the business class, so they like know your names or your seats. And she goes, right, I'm so sorry. And then she goes, how did she do it? She goes, do you want something to drink? She was like, she goes, do you want something to drink? Like so loud. And I'm thinking like, bitch, I'm deaf. I'm not slow.

Like, for fuck sake, what is it? And I was just like. yeah a sprite and then she walks away and I just sat there and I start crying because I was just like I felt and it wasn't because she thought I was slow or anything it was I start crying I start tearing up because I'm emotional I'm PMSing but it was just like fuck is this going to be my life now like and I felt and by the way here's the thing about humans no one actually gives a shit about you no one's thinking about you when you think you're having your worst moments of your life no one even pays attention they're all worried about themselves and they're IBS and they're IBS and whatever and I'm sitting there I'm like everyone heard everyone the plate heard this everyone's like that stupid girl I'm humiliated I'm so embarrassed

and then the guy next to me looks to me and he goes what do you smell like and I'm like as I'm crying I'm like what? And he goes what do you smell like and I'm like fuck I smell too like in my brain I'm like are you joking

and then he goes no what perfume are you wearing it smells so good and I'm like Chanel and I'm like I can't do this I'm not doing this I'm not doing this right now I'd rather someone Who says what do you smell like That's creepy as shit

I'd be like I need a new seat I'm crying I'm crying I'm crying tears What do you smell like I said what do you smell like? Or you'd say like what perfume are you wearing

If you really you really need to But also absolutely not I don't like that at all I don't like that I was just like I'm not I can't do this shit And then I was just crying feeling sorry for myself

and I hate those moments, but it's fine. You need to do it. I need to do it more often. Like, I broke my right hands and I'm recovering. No, I was laughing because it was the whole thing. And I'll talk about it on your podcast. I'm about to go on. Now I feel like a loser for crying about going to go out.

No, no, no. But I'm saying it was more than afterwards after I made fun of it, then I'm stuck with like no right hand. So you know during the day if like you drop something or you rip something or you can't open something and it's annoying? Imagine it like a hundred times throughout the day. So like I would just like I'd try to open something. I'd spill something and I'd just be like,

and it's like the littlest thing. So you'd have to ask my husband to do it. I haven't fully cried. It's more been like I want to punch your wall. I think I need to cry too. It would just make me feel better. Wait. Wait.

Okay. What is your crying schedule like? Crying schedule? Yeah. How often are we crying? How often should I cry for my mental health? You know, I don't really like feeling sorry for myself on the plane. But this is what happened

I've been holding off crying And on the plane I start crying Hearing up And then I just couldn't stop And I'm not even And I can't Are you heaving?

No Please You're like doing beautiful No like pretty girls Like Bella Hadid When she cries And she takes a picture Yeah just glistening

And the lips are a little supple And the little rosy cheeks Yeah No I'm kidding I look like You're probably so cute When you cry Yeah I am

I am You know I mean, you just have, like, the doe-eye eyes. Do-eye little deer. Yeah, yeah. Just like, like, Bambi. Yeah, my, my eyes get really big. And then my cheeks get rosy and my nose get so little rosy.

Sounds like gorgeous. Yeah. Yeah. But you can't, it's, it goes, there's a fine line between cute and then, okay, you're a lot, right? It's a little much. It's a little much. And you tone it down. It's actually, science, science tells you, the men.

then something happens in their body would they get repulsed by you physically if you cry too much? Like if you go from, help me, he wants to save you to, he's like, no. Wait, really? Scientifically. I forgot where I read this research. If your tears are a little too many tears, it's something in this body that makes them turned off. Like if he had a heart on, he'll get soft. If the MPH of your tears is too fast.

But, like, it's crazy. When you're crying, it's literally your body releasing stress. Yeah. But that's what happened. I didn't cry. I've been holding off crying. And I started crying because I was feeling sorry for myself on the plane with a guy that asked me what I smell like. Crying alone is an orgasm for your eyes.

It's kind of like, I feel like crying is like masturbating. Like, you shouldn't do it in front of too many people. I don't, I rather not. Yeah. I don't want, I don't like people feeling sorry for. for myself. No, crying alone is good because then, like, you let it out. You can start again if you want.

You could look at yourself in the mirror crying. That's fun. When you're like, look at yourself sad. Yeah. If you don't look at yourself in the mirror, did you even cry? Well, I didn't look at myself in the mirror on the plane. Well, you couldn't. Right.

Because there was a guy next to me that asked me what I smelled like. That was smelling your hair. I was not getting his way at this point. I was trying to snip your hair off and create a voodoo doll with it. Yeah. But overall, I love our life lessons. We love talking about business and shit, but you talk about how you're always like chasing the next goal,

the next goal, the next goal. You've hit so many milestones in your career already. And I guess you're starting to reflect like the happiest times in your life probably were not always just because you hit a milestone. Yeah. And it's there's something, it's something really weird every time you hit your destination. Final destination. Because everyone always tells you it's about the journey.

I'm always like, shut the fuck up. that's bullshit everyone says that but it really is because when you hit the destination you're like oh now what you're talking about all the problems that happen same like i feel like i'm always there's always something happening you can either live your life waiting for all of it to go away and it never will or you can fucking find contentment in the like the ups and down yeah i know and the thing is i needed that moment to feel sorry for myself and i don't regret cracking on the plane and also you would have cried about something else but if you didn't didn't give a shit no no one no one noticed it no one was sitting there thinking that's embarrassing that girl's pathetic or she's

deaf what a loser you know i'm no one care i'm so embarrassed of crying like i watched the do you remember the movie i tanya yeah i've never seen more it's it's like an ice skating movie with margot rabbi and i get there and it was like kind of like a premiere thing it's like really dressed up we're all sitting in this like intimate theater at like soho house or some shit i sit down i'm so excited to watch margarabi and the movie's like so fucking triggering to me like because you're an athlete As an athlete, like her coaches are yelling at her and like she said, I started having like a visceral reaction. Like I start like, like, I'm making noises and I try to pretend that I'm like coughing, but I'm like crying. That's even worse.

And then through the whole movie, I'm trying to like make it look like so when the lights go on, all my friends can see me and I don't look like I've been sobbing for 40 minutes. I just remember being like, I got to go and I left. But like I literally was just too embarrassed when honestly, like I wish I could have just been like this really hard for me. It's so silly because... Also, the movie's supposed to evoke emotion. No, but it's random trauma in ourselves that we haven't had time or haven't thought about releasing and crying it out. And that's what happened. It triggered something that you never healed.

And that's what I mean, like, having this conversation right now and talking about my reaction on the plane, it feels silly. But because I'm able to say out loud, it's, I'm not a prisoner of something I felt ashamed of. But also, I could think of... embarrassing about it. I could think of 10 things that happened me in the last week that made me want to cry that were way less intense than like what you experienced. Way less intense. Oh, that's nice. I thought you're going to think you were dealing with like a public thing and she was calling out. It's not that. It's the realization like, oh my God, this is going to be my life now. Yeah. It's it's just, I don't know. I think I'm still processing. I'm not, I don't even

think. Because normally if I talk about things, especially my podcast, it's after the fact. Like, okay, this happened to me and this however came in it. And this is what I learned. And right now, I'm in the middle of it where I have to just it's not a big deal because I could literally just get a hearing aid.

But it makes me feel I just didn't realize it's another thing. So over time it's gotten worse? Yeah, I think I was 20% hearing. And you were born like that? Yeah, I only found out. I only realized that I was deaf in my left year

as a teenager. It was never an issue for me before. I didn't care. but I never thought that over time I would probably start losing the hearing more and more and realizing now that's probably like 5%. It's really wild. But it's kind of interesting to me.

I was thinking, I wonder how regular people hear. I was like, damn, have I never been able to hear what you people, were you guys here? I was low-key jealous. I'm like, you don't have to hear all the stupid shit everyone's saying on your left side of your body. I know. It's amazing. Like if someone's annoying you, you're like, can you go to this side?

But it's hard to explain this to people. because when you say, oh, sorry, I can't hear you, I'm deaf in my left ear or I'm a little, I'm deaf, I feel like it's the same as when people say, oh, I'm so blind. Yeah. So I don't think people, then I'm not explaining myself. Yeah, people think you're like, oh, I'm just like, whatever. And it's also weird because they're like, you have the other ear, but that's not how the body's not supposed to just hear from one side. Yeah.

I understand your anxiety, though, like, because I have panic attacks based just off of, like, physical stuff that I can't control. So like when I broke my hand I started having a panic attack Because I'm like I can't control what's going on with me We're like So you with the ear It's like you can do everything you can But it's something physical

That's just like happening to you Exactly That's what you feel this weird Out of control feeling of like fuck Like I'm me but I can't Like I can't fix my fucking hand right now Where like if it's emotional Like you know when you get nervous

You're like okay come down Or like you get scared You're like it'll be okay But when you can't hear in your ear you can't be like, oh, let's fucking just snap our fingers and get it back. Yeah, exactly. And there's other people involved and you don't want to annoy them and then you feel just embarrassed. Or you can like lean in fully get like a really cool hearing aid and become like a influencer who promotes that kind of stuff.

Yeah, somebody on Love Island, UK from last season has, she's fully deaf. Wow. She has a hearing aid. Can you speak in sign language? No, but I should learn. at this point. But it is, it is, I wonder how many people, like, even listening to the pod, have those little things about them that might not be, like, fully, um, capable, like, you're able

passing, someone will call it, I think. I'm, I wouldn't say able pass. I'm deaf in my left ear. You're definitely, like, but, like, if I look, because you don't have stuff, like, you're passing, like, as if you don't have any ear, like, problems. Yeah. But you do. Right. Well, that all is like very American with the whole something passing. I don't think I just never understood it. Like I don't think we should judge a book by its cover regardless. True. True. But I rather keep it to my, I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. When I cried, it's because you're right, I lost control and I like to be in control and it was frustrating that I can't fix the situation on my own and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or treat me differently.

Like talking slower and louder and moving your hands. I just said, I just want to Sprite. Just a Sprite, okay? Not a show. I didn't ask for a show. Ask for a Sprite. Thank you. And also, but you survived it.

We can now laugh about it. We cried. We laughed. And you're going to have similar experience that happened with you in the future with it. It's fine. I feel fine now, actually. I feel better that I shared in. Also, like, you sharing your experience with your hands.

and you getting a panjure makes me feel better. I think it's nice, you know, it's so nice to share things like this because even if someone can't relate to the hand or the ear, there's so many worse things in this world and there's someone else that's having a worse thing. I remember actually one of my shows I did when I just stand up last year for a show and afterwards I tried to make, actually it's a terrible example, but I tried this one fan that came. I don't like to use the word fan. So this one...

Follower. Ticketer buyer. She came. I just don't like the word fan. Yeah. No, I don't like it. I don't like it either. Yeah, it's someone who appreciates my art.

Art lover. I love your work. Yeah. So after the show, she really wanted to talk to me and she was going through it. So after we did the photo ops, she stayed longer and I really wanted to then give her my attention. And she was crying because she just got... MS. She just got that. And my cousin, well, I'm oversharing, but my cousin has MS. One of my best friends does too. Well, you know what's crazy? It's not about you right now.

It's by my best friend. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm you know it's hard when people listen to audio and they don't see the video. They can't tell the sarcasm. So I was trying to make her feel about it because she just got diagnosed and she's, she was being very negative. So I try to make her feel better by telling her the story about how I was born with. no enamel my teeth. So I was, which means I just always had very yellow teeth and I have cavities and root canals and all my teeth because it's nothing, there's no enamel to protect them. So I've been bullied. Completely out of control.

Yeah. So I've been bullied for that my whole life and it's one of the reasons I dated later in life and it's one of the reasons I have a good personality. One of the reasons I have such a great personality. Yes. Because I was ugly. Yes. In my head at least. Most girls with tits like yours aren't as funny. Or I mean, they don't need to have any personality. They know, I don't, yeah. Yeah, like... I would need to do nothing. The bigger tits are, the less nice you have to be.

That's, I think, the rule. I'm kidding. I was so jealous. But, like, I didn't care that I had big tits because I was so embarrassed to ever kiss boys because I was thinking, like, what if someone kisses me? And then they realize what type of teeth that I have? And they're going to be like, ew, you let me kiss you with those teeth. That's disgusting.

What if I get what you have? Like, that was my thoughts. And my first kiss and my first boyfriend was when I was 17. I lost my Virginia after high school. But the point. is I was trying to make her feel better by telling her that I overcame something of, I mean, the first time I felt beautiful was when I got the celebrity type of veneers, and that was at 25, or maybe 26, I forget, but like literally, like seven years ago, it was the first time

I finally felt beautiful because before when I would have veneers, and I have veneers since I was five years old. It would be through insurance. And through insurance, it's not the celebrity type, celebrity veneers. So because my teeth are so yellow, it doesn't matter what type of capsule, enamel, veneer, lumineer, all those words. Whatever you put over my teeth, the yellow is so there that it shines forward. So it doesn't matter how white you put over my teeth, my teeth will still look yellow. And then you constantly have to change it more often. Even my celebrity. I mean, it's traumatizing. Yeah, exactly. And my teeth can break easily too. It's a constant fear if I bite on something. My teeth, my tooth can just break. Sometimes my crowns in the back of my mouth just come out when I eat something. Like one time I was like, important dinner. My crown fucking comes out. And I had to like close my mouth and I was waiting for the person to finish the conversation. So I can spit on my crown. But look at that. Before like, because I was so scared I was about to swallow the crown of my mouth because I didn't know what to do. But anyway. trying to make this girl feel better.

And then she goes like, she's like crying. She's like, wow, I wish I had your problem. Like, I literally was like, I didn't feel beautiful until it was 25. The first time I looked in the mirror, I was like, you're beautiful. And I saved up money to finally get these teeth. And blah, blah, blah. And I know what it's like. I mean, I'm sure I can't compare.

And she's like, wow, I wish I had your problems. And I go, you know what? No one likes a negative Nancy. If you're going to think. Because I was so tired at this point. I was like, I fucking perform for two. hours. Then I did photo ops for two hours. I sat with her for over an hour. And she's like, wow, I wish I had your problems. If only. And she looked at her sister. She's like, if only.

And I was just like, you know what? Noah likes negative Nancy. You're going to be this negative. You're going to lose everyone you love. No one you love is going to stick around. And then I was like, I realized what I said. I was just like, and then she looked at me and her sister goes, you know, she's right. And I was like, oh, thank God. Don't always get life advice from comedians after two hours of performing. It's a dark. mindset. I mean, honestly, I'm tired right now. I've been touring for the last three weeks. And I feel like we always get to like the deepest life shit. But it's like life is just a bunch of bad shit happening to you. And you, it's your choice of how you want to respond to it. And it's

super powerful once you realize that. No one has, doesn't have bad shit happen to them. Everyone's having bad shit happen to them. I just don't want to have back knee and like anxiety and depression and I gain weight. And I have like, no, I'm death. It's like for fuck's sake. Like pick pick a struggle you know it's like it's a little it's a little like it's a d from god oh and i have a dd it's like oh my god for fuck's sake oh and you don't have a man so you have to freeze your eggs pathetic pick a struggle but what's funny is someone is looking at your instagram right now going holy should i wish i could be violet benson that's so nice it's true though that's why our world is so crazy wait can i share my story of something similar that happened when i

skied? Yeah, of course. Or were you going to ask me something that's like life-changing? No. No, but for people who don't know, I talked about it on Giggly Squad, but I did, I hurt my hand. They say it's like, might be a little fracture. It's going to be fine, but I hurt myself skiing. It's so funny. I think I like, I think I even retweeted your TikTok. I am actually, I'm not familiar, by the way. Like, I'm one of those people that just forgets that I have any followers on the internet because I just use it as my it's like a job for me yes so I do these things where I go and write pages to talk about shows that I like and then people would be like why are you here and I'm like fuck or like I I do this thing where I like comments on TikTok and on Instagram that make me laugh

it's usually more than the post and I didn't even know the people can tell that I'm liking their stuff yeah so like on TikTok there was this guy that pissed me off that I stopped talking to and people were kind of clowning him in the comments and obviously I would never publicly clown any anyone. I rather, I keep that stuff to myself. I feel like it's not a good look. Clown with your best friend. Exactly. It's not a good look in general to to put anyone down publicly, in my opinion. The truth always comes out because everyone gets tired of pretending. So if you know someone's true colors, just wait. And they're eventually going to mess with the wrong person who is going to call them out.

Yeah. It doesn't have to be you. Exactly. So I avoid that stuff. So randomly this guy was getting called out. I was just like, finally. I have, I'm in it for the long run. I've been waiting for it. Amazing. So, you know, I was having one of those days where I'm feeling not great about myself. So of course, I'm enjoying for a second. Someone else's downfall. So then I see the comments on the video about him and I'm like, that's true. Back. And I'm just liking it because that's what I do on TikTok. I don't know how TikTok works. Like even when I repost videos, I don't even know where the videos go. Yeah, I don't know where they go either. But then sometimes I see people liking my repost. I don't know where it goes. So anyway, I'm liking the things. And then suddenly

I start seeing comments on that video going, oh my fucking God, Violet Benson. I can't believe you liked my comment. I love you so much. And I'm like, so then I was like for two hours just going on liking like every single comment that I liked from the videos about the sky. Because I was just like, wait, people can see what I'm liking. I had no idea. I don't know how social media works. Just let me. It was so embarrassing. And it's funny because your whole job is social wait so you reposted a ski video you were saying i reposted your ski video we had thank you it was so funny but i'm talking about me liking comments and now you know on ticot if you like other people comments people can they also know if you if you press save on their video it gets they get notified

that you save someone's video i didn't know this stuff like because i guess i never check i post and then i log off yes the the social media stuff yes but it's funny because when i hurt my hand I was with my husband, and he just starts filming it. And we just naturally start laughing. And the guy was like, is she crying? And he's like, no, she's laughing. And he's filming it. I'm like, babe, this is not like, whatever.

And then after it. Are you so happy you filmed it? It's so funny. But then I fell all this pressure. I was like, okay, I have to announce everyone that I broke my hand. And I have all this video footage. And I'm like in pain. And I was editing this video with like my left hand.

And I was like, how do we make this the most favorite video? Oh, my God. Right. I know it's, dude, I can't even. Like texting, I'm dying to talk about it on my podcast. So I finally posted the video, I decided, like, I was going down that ski, whatever thing it's called. It was long.

Like, I cut it down to like a second. It was like, I was going down for like five minutes. Where were you? Vancouver. I was there for comedy. And all I did was bitch about skiing every single set. And I just posted a video of one of the sets just shitting on skiing. How I'm like, how are you so bored and terrified at the same time?

It's a stupid sport. And then next thing, you know, the ski gods rallied against me. It's really, what happened? I, do you're listening? I was on a green and I was feeling cocky and it was my first run of the day and I didn't want to be there. And I hit like every, I don't know, I just fell. And when you fall with skiing, there's no like right way to fall. So like when you fall, you just like pray and I fell and like my body kind of landed on my hand and I just kind of crushed my hand.

But that's what, I mean, I feel like it's hard not to laugh. I, like, I laugh so hard when I saw it because your video's so brilliant. She's like, let's go skiing. The music, too, what it was like, I forget what it was, but it matched like, like, bad girls do it well. Yeah, and then it's, you're just getting carried out. And I was like, I just hurt my hand. Everything else was fine, but I started having a full on panic attack where I had to lie down. So I'm, like, lying down in the middle of this place where people are just skiing by your head.

And you're like, I think I'm going to die. And I'm like, you have. have to call ski patrol i can't ski down like i'm having full panic attack by the time they came my panic attack was done and i was like i'm kind of just hungry that is so funny that's so funny what happened with your ski situation okay so this was years ago when i was dating my uh cheating ex he was we're back together whatever weekend we decided to celebrate by going to mammoth or big bear one of those snow places and i was like wait I'm not really good at skiing.

He's like, don't worry, baby, I'll teach you. Forgot about me within two seconds. The snow was gone. I was like, where do you go? I don't know. So anyway, then, oh, he says, we goes, don't worry, I'll teach you. So we go up somewhere high. And then everyone leaves me.

So I don't really know how to ski. And then I know the one time I tried to snowboard. And when I snowboard it, I was really high and I snowboard into a tree. So I was like, oh, this time I'll ski. How hard can it be? You just cross your legs into an X. Yeah. So I do that.

And then after a while, like, I just keep falling and falling and falling. And I was like, I'm really over this. And I guess we went really high up. And they say, don't take off your stuff, like your gloves or anything like that. Because you get, you can get high altitude sickness. Yeah. And I thought it was just like a myth, like the clitoris. I was like, that's not real.

I would know, you know. So I should be a comedian. So basically, I tried to ski and I just keep, okay, this is what I did. At one point, I was so over it. I'm so up high and I say, fuck it. What if I just try to roll down? So I purposely trip and just start rolling down to try to get down the stupid hill. And then I don't roll down enough, but now I'm just covered in snow.

And then I'm like, ugh, I just need to warm myself up by taking off my gloves and trying to warm my body. By then removing. Because you're also freezing throughout all the trauma. Right, but I'm not processing. That's what's happening. So I remove my gloves or remove my hat by trying to warm my hands. Then I try to warm my body. And then apparently high altitude sickness, not a myth.

So then something happens. And I start like seeing stars. And I start to get really dizzy and I'm getting really nauseous. And something's wrong. Like I suddenly can't get up. I don't even remember what it was. But so they had to call the ambulance. And your boyfriend's nowhere to be found.

No. I hate him so much. he's having the time of his life He should be filming you Making fun of you at this point I know He would have clowned me So the ambulance people come

And they're like Okay we have to bring you down the hill So I mean it was really cool What you guys had I wish I had that So for me They had to carry me By basically one guy

Holding one hand The other guy holding the other hand And then they're holding me like this And then just like skiing down The thing And I kept feeling so nauseous. I was like, please hurry, please hurry, please hurry. So then they finally go all the way down to the ski area. And then I had to sprint to the bathroom because I had to throw up. And I start

throwing up really bad. And as I'm throwing up, I'm starting to get frost by on my hands. No. So now it's the point that it's past pain. It's burning. Yep. That's what happened to me. And then I have to finish throwing up really quick, flush the water and stick my hands into the toilet water because I couldn't even get up. episode is so on it. I couldn't get up and then I stick my hands out and I throw up more. Then I finished and I go back to return my gear. And at this point, I go to my locker and of course my shit's in the locker.

I just want to put my shoes back on. And I want to go back to a room because I have no shoes and I just want to kill myself. And you know how, I don't know how much these things cost now, but you know how it's like a dollar for the locker and some people cheap out. So I look above the locker and I see all the shoes of the people that cheaped out and I see a pair of ugs and I say, fuck it, today's the day I steal. So then I put on a pair of ugs, not mine. So apparently the guy, whoever left the ugs out, they obviously regret it. It was almost my size.

Somebody listening is like, that bitch stole my uggs. So if you're listening, I stole your ugs. You should have paid that dollar. I sold the pair of bugs And I walked back to the room I took a Xanax And I passed out And then like seven hours later

My boyfriend, this friend And my friend were finally back And they were like, what'd you do today? And I was like, don't worry about it Like nothing. Like nothing That is like such a typical day of skiing. Skiing, if you didn't cry, you didn't...

I don't think I cried. Huh? I mean, I've cried I've cried multiple times skiing. It's just it is it's not a sport it is a leisure activity that some people are weirdly good at and enjoy and some people it's not worth it the fact that i felt so over skiing that i decided to just roll down the snow is insane no i've been down in my butt before i've been like fuck this and just and then des will be

like stop and i'm like i can't stop so i just on your bum on my butt okay the why didn't i think of that i just rolled no you just go on your butt like you're like a sled and The fact you roll is so chaotic and beautiful But that is the chaotic energy you bring to the world And that is what I love about you Violet I'm about to go on your podcast now We're doing our cross promos

You guys know it, you love it Where can people follow you, listen to you, watch you Give me the tea You can follow me anywhere except to the snow Don't follow me there I'll mislead you You can follow me on my Instagram Violet Benson

My podcast almost adulting on every Tuesday and Thursday, I almost forgot. Every Tuesday and Thursday, it's amazing. And there's a reason why we're the number one mental health podcast for women. Yes. And you can also follow my meme account at Daddy Issues underscore. Obsessed with all of it. And you could also listen to past episode.

She's been on to get a full journey of how we got here today. Yes. And tune in to my episode on my podcast with Hannah because it's so good. Almost Adalting is next. And thanks you guys for coming to hell. as always, bye. Bye.