Berner Phone - Violet Benson: She's Back and Boujier Than Ever

Episode Date: July 14, 2022

My last pod in LA! Violet Benson welcomed me back into her home and we got an update about the guy she met on NYC, her mental health and so much more. I also went on her podcast Almost Adulting, so don't miss it! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Burning in Hell. This is the first person that I've had on Burning in Hell for the third time. Don't want to make your head big. Don't want to make your head too big. But we love her in hell. Violet fucking Benson, aka Daddy Issues, aka Almost Adulting Pod. What's the name of your podcast this month?

I just changed. So I didn't want to disrespect it. Violet, welcome to hell. Woo! I've been following Violet like a creep on Instagram for, I don't know, how long have you had your account? Oh my gosh.

I think seven, maybe eight years now, close to eight. I'm not trying to age myself, but yeah, I've been following you. I'm obsessed with you. If you haven't listened to the last pod we did, you have to because Violet went to New York, fell in love with a dude that you, like, harassed during a brunch date or something? No. the guy decided to have a one night stand with and then after we had sex I was like am I in love is this love yeah the whole we literally talked the whole time about like is this love I think I found

my person no I don't think I said that come on my thought you were you were into it I was so into which like I've fallen in love with guys I've never even fucking met before so there's no judgment no it's something about the penis goes inside of you and you're like is this love and you're like oh okay I need therapy this is where this is the moment you're like I need therapy I feel so full Dick is literally equivalent To like eating Chipotle for me You're just like I feel so full and heavy and warm

And then you're like No, that was just diarrhea What happened? You get back to LA Oh I want the fucking You guys inhale I will get you the drama I will get to the bottom of it for y'all

And today we're getting the tea You get back to LA what happened So while I was still in New York Doing crypto stuff or whatever I was doing I'm so sorry about that I know we we kept texting here and there but um then we got back to LA and we were going to hang out and we did but then I just I always would do this thing and then oh okay I'll just say because only recently I realized I was still having the same pattern but he comes he become I come back

to LA and we hang out in LA and then I do this thing where I act like what are we doing we shouldn't be doing this or I'm just I'm not really looking for anything you're just someone to have sex with wait never mind come over wait we shouldn't be having sex let's just work on our friendship i don't want to get attached and it's so much flip-floppy and it's like almost pushing the guy away or showing that you don't care about this person to see like are you going to chase me all that subconsciously doing that without realizing and actually i just listened to an episode that i recorded for my podcast from two years ago that i posted on sundays because sundays because i've three episodes a week and on sundays it's called um

forgot i'm so sorry i just it just recently started but but it's called um vault archives yeah so it's kind of episodes that never posted vintage it's vintage exactly retro so when i had to edit the episode because i edit since i have three episodes a week two of the episodes a week i edit them myself to save money yeah just be honest oh yeah so i edit myself so then when i was editing it and i hear myself two years ago say the same thing that i'm doing was actually we are not about growth here no growth we are not backwards actually but i'm thinking like i'm growing so much as a person and then like to kind of hear myself the way i was speaking from two years ago and to hear to hear that i was i did that two years ago and i'm still doing that in my age i was just

like oh wow okay that was kind of you know slap in the face but i think in that moment to kind of i mean did it help me with this guy no because i listened to it six months later after it didn't work out with the guy but but i also think like the right dude you can't fuck it up and that's so corner to say but also what you're doing is a method of you can't control love it's scary and I think so many things in your life you're so in control look at your business you are in control of like all your podcasting even you edit your stuff you post all your social media you can't even have like too many people helping you because you know you do it best yeah and then love comes in and it makes no sense logically you can't just like work harder at it and be better at it it makes no fucking sense it's a gut

feeling and then you try to be like okay what's a playbook what's a playbook should we do this should we be friends should i let him in here you try to control it when you can't yeah and he was kind of putting up with it and then and then and then i kind of freaked down and i was just like i can't do this like did you end it with him so then i end it with him and i go and the way i end it with him now i don't remember because it happened already a minute ago it happened uh november last year but then i was just like you know i i'm this is too much this is not what i'm looking for it doesn't make me feel good to kind of start getting in my head you don't make me feel good which it's not how i meant it but i said that and then i was just like let's just be done with it well and then and then i try to be romantic because

i'm loser and i go we'll always have new york pathetic i will masturbate to new york all the time yeah i wait i said that he does not respond to it and then like i'm like okay whatever you know cool and then a day or two later i'm in Vegas when I talk about with my friend my friend goes wait you said you don't make me feel good that's so mean like like that's not a nice thing to hear I'm like oh my god and think about that so then when I got home I texted him and I apologize I sent him no I sent him a voice note for like two minutes and then he's like hey I'm with my friends right now I just saw the voice and I can't listen to it is are you okay is I'm thinking like yeah I just like wanted to tell you but you're

great so my voice note now is like I made a mistake like I should have said that like I didn't mean you don't make me feel good you do make me feel good like being in my head I think you're and then now go the other way around I'm like I think you're so great I think you're so amazing like I don't know the guy yeah and it's like the idea of him now yeah so it's literally I created then I gave myself anxiety he didn't do anything he was just there and I'm like the ups and downs with myself I'm like you're amazing you're this you're this you're this and he goes thank you so much blah blah blah and then and then we're texting each other and he's like I guess and all that and then i say okay can we start over as friends even though a second ago i was trying

to get back to like the dating and then i say the friends and he goes of course clean slate and i'm like perfect i kid you not he goes to me after that well yeah because you don't want to be he doesn't want to be your friend yeah like you're someone he's attracted to that's actually tortured to be just be like okay let's hang out and not fuck that's weird yeah no 100% But, like, I think it was a good lesson for me because the fact I actually kind of loved it, that move, because you were just like, yeah, of course, clean slate. And then never heard from the guy again. It sounds, this is kind of classic.

We're friends now, by the way. Yeah. But that's, like, months later. It sounds like, I don't, I hate to say self-sabotage, but it sounds like whatever you're scared of, like, for example, you were scared that it wouldn't work out. So you, like, made it happen to be like, oh, at least I'm in control of it. Like, your biggest fear, you're like, I want my biggest fear to. happen so that I'm like I'm ahead of it I knew it wasn't going to work out you see I knew it

like that and it's like I made it not work out so you just kind of fucked it up and you were right like your gut could have been right with this my gut doesn't really tell me much anymore except like I have IBS or something you're like yeah I always say is it butterflies or IBS yeah and it's a thin line thin line but it was it was a good honest it was a you're not like oh like he got away and I fucked it up you don't feel like that of course I felt that when it happened but I think I think I feel like that every time it doesn't work out suddenly I just the minute someone doesn't want me or wouldn't want me I want to chase them because it's just a habit because that you know you must have sensed before that that he was

you were kind of losing him and that's why no he was like so into me I think it was just the feeling of enjoying someone you know being so into me and me playing with their feelings I think maybe maybe it's because you know because we were talking my podcast which by the way we recorded another episode together we're doing a pause swap yes i just let you let her on on all the tea about me and des on almost adult thing i know it was actually really cute i had to throw up after the episode i was too loving i was grossed i like yeah i like he's so cute and he's like it's adorable it's honestly it's endearing it's really cute i love it when's i become that bitch but that's why like living vicariously through you and I'm like you're single I love that for you no one loves

you oh no being single so fun because you could just like bloat all the time no I don't want to I think I'm just I've been I continue learning about myself but I think it's just playing games it doesn't get as fun when you go older no because like you're straight up not having fun you act like it's fun but then you're like I'm straight up not having fun anymore you're just alone like it's not fun it's nice to open up to But I also feel like with the right person, hopefully they will not trigger you to do those kind of like anxiety spirals. I think I knew from the beginning he couldn't be my person just because our lives are so different.

Yes. And but it's also last year I literally had to take a break from podcasting because last year my whole podcast was about dating and relationships only. So I had to read. So I was reading so many because I wanted to understand what I'm talking about. So I was reading so many books about love relationship with dating to the point that I was like a computer or a robot every time I was dating someone. So even with him, within 10 minutes of talking to him, I knew, I understood just based on

his actions, words, his mommy issues, his daddy issues, what's his love language and all these things. And I can tell right away, okay, this is a little off. Like, this is going to take a while then to heal this part of him. And so then, of course, right away, I'm like, okay, am I able to help him heal from this part? Is he going to, and it's too much. And it's a point that it made love not fun.

like I don't I'm ex I don't want to love anyone yeah and I already see all the issues what's wrong with this person that it makes it me not want to date anyone but I guess it's also finding someone who you can see those issues and be like oh but they're compatible to my issues no not as a robot because you don't want to be everyone's therapist and it made it enough fun to the point that not only did I think I stopped dating because I was sick of it to the point that I had to stop my podcast because it was just it's always like you know when you see all the dating coaches they're usually single yeah why yeah yeah because it's it's it's it's too much like you you don't know how to be a real person actually go through it with your person because yeah because also if you're seeing all

the imperfections and all the red flags it is impossible to function because every relationship has red flags every it's it's more just like a feeling and I also feel like with women we're so much like with careers we like to be overqualified for things especially if you're a perfectionist so it's like you'll find a guy who you're like oh I can fix him or like I I'm sure that I'm like good enough for this guy and then you get bored and then you dissect them and then you become like a parent where you're like did you do research on your next career like you know or like did you pull to your clothes and like that's not sexy you don't want to be that person yeah so I mean I want you to like well now with my I changed the name for my podcast and I have

three episodes a week and they're all three are different but every month and then I created this thing where every month the structure is different so every month I focus on a specific thing. Yes, it happens that this month is about love and relationships. Fuck me. But it's fine because the other months are about other things. So I feel like that is kind of helping me not overthink everything. When I'm dating someone, I'm like, okay, I can, I know exactly when you got your heart broken. This makes sense. Also, like not forgetting that like life needs to be fun. Exactly. And like my thing is lately, I even do this in my career, I'm like the second things aren't fun for me like life's too short obviously there's things that become more fun when you get past

some tough things like working hard and stuff to make something happen but like if it's not fun in the beginning fuck that shit same with friendships why would you continue a friendship if in the beginning you didn't have fun with them so true and yeah you continue being friends with someone that it because we talk so much about relationships and dating and we don't realize that no one actually there's no songs about friendship breakups. There's a movie, I mean, there's some movies about friendship breakups, but like sometimes almost when you're heartbroken over a friendship breakup and then you feel like, is this normal? Because no one really talks about it. You don't set boundaries with your friends and that's why you have the argument sometimes. Because maybe our friendship, I think we just, you know, get drunk

together and have fun. You think our friendship is where you tell me about your life every single second of the day. Yeah, friendship is literally being like, I know everything about you and I don't want to be with you anymore. And you're like, ah. Yeah. And then you realize, oh, yeah, we never have fun okay never mind we never have fun and you don't even have pressure to be like exclusive and they still don't want to hang out with you like that shit hurts yeah but I do I was talking about when I went on your podcast just now how like the people who you surround yourself with really creates like we're living a movie you're the main character who the characters around are very important it's like starting a band you can't just have a lead singer and the people around you really fucking like set the

stage for what your life is exactly and it's it kind of how a lot people say surround yourself that inspire you people don't want you to be better and then there's always the people who want to be the um devil's advocate and they're like oh yeah oh yeah so that that makes you look like a terrible person or a user because you only want to be with people who are rich or better blah blah it's like first of all i know why you're getting so defensive because you think you're not as good as your friends that's something you should work on your inner self that's the truth well's i'm sorry but like a track's like if you're we just talked about if you're constantly negative and unlucky in life that energy will go in your friend's energy.

So sorry if we only have one life and if I'm a very positive person I want to surround myself with other fun, positive people or other hardworking people. We're not always talking about like salary or like relationships or fashion. There's like all types of ways that like you can look up to a friend. Exactly.

I have a friend who's just literally a ball of sunshine. Her name is Haley. People know her and we're so opposite because I'm always like... Is she a Pisces? She's a cancer. Oh. oopsie weepsie no but she's like just like always like she'll stop and be like look how beautiful that flower is and i'm like oh i love having this woman around me because her perspective is so beautiful

i also think this i don't mean to sound creepy with this but you talked about your inner child and how like when you feel more connected with that inner child it's like you reparented yourself to like be that authentic self before society yelled at you and told you all these fucked up things where like when you're in a relationship i actually find that like i feel like my inner child like I become playful I become silly me too and your inner child is so like as a kid you don't feel judged like you're just like yeah and that's how you should feel when you're with the right person exactly I agree when you're just child life and what is what does a child do they play they have fun relation that's why I always say like relationships should not be a fucking job yeah I mean you have to

put work into it but you want to like you want to it's like a job you love if that makes sense it's something you put effort in that you want to make work um who are you dating now what are we doing so what will you just like touched your nips when i asked you that oh sorry they're just there i don't know um so right now i'm not dating anyone but i think i have gone better though um well although this month the month of june when we're recording this this month has been insanely packed and and work consuming for me so it has been really hard you don't even make excuse this bitch you not like it's not like a failure to be like I'm not dating it's nothing to do with success or anything I know it's I mean you're an athlete so you can relate I'm not an athlete

I mean unless you consider unless you consider um a quarter of playing softball in high school an athlete absolutely did you were you on the bench or did you have a position I I was a shortstop oh oh I didn't know I was speaking to a celebrity athlete and then every Friday we had a death day that's where you do all the workouts the crazy workouts and you're running all that every Friday I had a doctor's note why I can't work out because I'm not feeling well and she's street smart she's street smart like the coach was like are you fucking kidding me and you're like what do it's a doctor a doctor at PhD and then I was like you know what this is not for me also maybe don't call it death day maybe I come if it wasn't literally called death day sorry I don't want to

fucking die but it was just when I first came to America in ninth grade and I joined softball team And then I kid you not, the shoes that we had, because I was still learning how to pronounce a lot of my English words, and I looked at one of the, and I think for half of the, half of that semester, what are they called in high school, quarter, whatever it's called. Yeah. I was calling the shoes a different name and no one corrected me.

Until one day I looked at the girl and I said, oh my God, why are our shoes called clits? And they go, no, it's cleats. and I go What? She goes, it's cleats And I go, I've been saying clits for six months now Why no one telling me?

They're like, I don't know, we just felt bad We don't want to correct you And I was like That is so fucking funny Did you know what a clit was? Yes, and I was mortified Every time I would like put on my shoes I did not know like what name

Well, the funniest thing When I went to buy the shoes, the softball shoes I had to go to Dix dix and i'm just like what is america that is so fucking i have to buy my clits at dicks like it's like i join the softball team and like they talk about clits all the time like what is america i'm so uncomfortable oh my god the fact that they never correct to me is even more hilarious i they probably call you like click girl behind your back but you know what we love that we love that girl power yeah like what is it clip power?

clit energy yeah big clit energy i've said actually i i um last month i had an episode on a tuesday and my tuesday episodes and it was about three ways to tell if a guy's a small penis and i said you guys some people sexually preference they like bigger penises for example i'm maybe i just have a really white set vagina and that's why i need a bigger dick sorry so then i'm like big big white sat vagina energy and then i have a whites of vagina heavy flow yeah heavy flow no i am anemic so barely have any blood wait so do you need a big dick i enjoy i like my favorite part about sex i don't know it's just like i won't when we're about to start having sex i won't get on top or anything like that because it's my favorite part is when i lay on my back and he first

puts it in me and it feels like a little bit of like a struggle because i'm like oh my god I'm so small. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, it's my pussy too tight. And then it just gapes open for the rest of it. Like in two seconds.

Yeah. Swallows the whole thing up. It's so funny because my husband just was like complaining that his ears were clogged. And I was like, why your ears always clogged? And he was like, I have a small ear canal. I have a narrow ear canal. And I was like, who the fuck told you that? And he's like a doctor.

And I was like, that's crazy because I have a really small pussy canal. But we don't. you don't like really know no it is it's a it's a scientific thing it's a real thing where some women it's so you know how sometimes you have sex with someone you're like it doesn't matter what sides are penises you're just like oh my god your penis your penis fits perfectly into my vagina like this feels like molded for me yeah it's it's true because some women have narrow narrow canals some women have um thicker canal some women have like longer yes so for me short canals yeah so For me, I have a narrow canal, so that's why I like something that's big, so then it can

like, you know, makes the, it engorge inside of you, but I don't need it to be long. Look, I don't like long penises because I think my stomach area is, like, shorter. So then it's just like hitting my cervix. And guys, this is from doing a lot of research. I know, actually, all I do is do research. It's like, I don't actually go out there and do anything. I'm just like, every time I, it's so, this is why, because of reading so many books, I can be even out with friends.

I'll be like, well, research found that, and they're like, can you just have a normal human conversation? You're better than me, though, because I'm like, TikTok said, and they're like, that doesn't, I guess you read a book. I'm like, one 14 year old TikTok, solve the world's problems. And I'm going to tell you how. I learn a lot on TikTok. I do learn so much on TikTok. It's like reading and watching TV at the same time. I learn how to do a lot of things that I didn't know. You can do like how to put your trash can, how to like bedazzle everything. I learn about new products that I should not buy. Are you diagnosed with anything on TikTok? Well, technically on TikTok, I would be diagnosed with every single disease to ever exist.

It's like TikTok now, there's a trend of autism on TikTok. Now it's a cool thing. Before, before back then, I remember when parents, when there was a whole controversy, because parents sometimes wanted to know ahead of time if their child had autism. Well, now it means like you're neurodivergent. Your brain works in a different way. Yeah. So then they would, they have a chance to abort the. baby it was like a whole controversy with it because for parents to want to know ahead of time now it's it's so and then anyone that's autistic if you have any relatives anyone like that it's on the spectrum there's a lot of different there's a lot of different ways to be autistic but now on TikTok before it was

a problem whatever and now on TikTok it's a cool thing and there's all these really hot pretty girls and like do you sometimes have trouble making eye contact with people when they're speaking to you then you may be autistic no you have social anxiety like what are you talking about like that's literally with ADHD they're like do you ever like have trouble reading a full page without getting distracted the whole world also we're all ADD right now because of all the stimulation do you sleep do you sleep you may be depressed and you're like are you stressed that's cancer and like literally you kind of believe it but then then you're also they're trying to get you to buy stuff like there's all these 80D mad things that

are like do you yeah do you have trouble sleeping does your brain race all the time do you get stressed a lot and you're like that's literally called being a human existing I just don't for me it's it's it's not even the selling thing is when some people start to make profit off of off of things that a lot of people struggle with and then you just see their their so but I guess eventually you know the truth always comes out but for people who try to profit off of things that are serious yeah and suddenly they suddenly everyone's self-diagnosing themselves and like well yeah i recently found out that i'm autistic there's a few influencers that i actually had to unfollow because of it because it's upsetting because you're like you're you're taking someone else's struggles that they have to struggle for the

rest of their life and you're you're just using it as a trend and it's it's it's not it's just it's not nice like that that bothers me well yeah like when people even like some of my friends like not my friends but i saw people like starting to get covid and they would like vlog their covid day I was like, dude, like, the people are dying. Like, it's really fucking bad out here. And you're literally like, swipe up to see my full COVID day. And you're like, oh, my God. Like, at what point are you like, maybe I shouldn't do this?

No, for sure. I also have a, obviously, my podcast is about mental health. And like a lot of the little devils have their, like, struggle with me. We struggle together with mental health stuff. And I feel like so many people profit off of people. who are lost you know where like it's when people are down that they will like buy those courses that'll like help you solve life or you know people who are poor that are like buy these entrepreneur classes to make millions of dollars that breaks my heart when I see that.

They find people who are lost and you're vulnerable and you're scared and you're more likely to do something that's like not logical. Yeah or like that's exactly what sex too. Stop bragging that you fucked me. I was just self-sabotaging myself. That was self-sabotaging myself. That was self harm that was my personal self-harm nothing cool about you the dick was average self-harm and i've gone through that i've worked on myself and i will never put your penis in my mouth again we had sex before 2021 no we didn't no we didn't no we didn't absolutely not i don't if yeah if no we didn't we didn't period so my vagina is closed up since then i've healed i've grown since i'm a virgin Oh, hell yeah.

I do think, too, there's a thin line between, like, wellness on TikTok versus, like, it's fake. Like, no one wakes up, has a hot lemon water, does yoga, like, you all, you didn't screw your phone? You didn't screw your phone? It's 2 p.m. You haven't scrolled your phone mindlessly and got depressed. I mean, maybe that's just me, but, like, they put these, like, people aren't comparing themselves to how hot people are.

It's like people are now comparing themselves to how. like perfect your day is yeah and that's toxic as shit because like days are chaotic every day for me is a fucking hurricane and i'm trying to survive it i feel bad i feel about admitting this but like some my friends like my hot model friends they'll talk about i feel so bad we're saying this kill me maybe they'll remove this but they'll talk about you know like i wake up i do my daily lemon thing like this is what i like to eat and i'm just like please i cannot even spend a full day with you because I'm starving because we literally don't eat anything you know like being in LA with on going out with all my hot model friends yeah I've got used to barely eating when I go up but then drinks I got

used to only drinking at tequila on the rocks because they won't drink anything that has sugar in it so it's just straight up tequila on the rocks so they complain about being hungry ever that's just like it's it's just who they are now like hunger is just their existence well I you know they're healthy. No, just because I was just talking to a girl in L.A. that I thought she modeled or she used to model. And I was like, how's modeling going? And she was like, honestly, I just felt like a clothing rack who was hungry. And I was like, oh my God, that's how I feel. But that's also, I happen to have a fast metabolism. I like eating a lot. And I don't mean like I lose weight. I just mean like when I get hungry, I get fucking hungry. Like I'm dramatic about it. I'm not like,

does anyone have a chip? Like I'm like, I need a cheeseburger. And I can't function. I just think about food but i will admit the recently when i started learning how to cook i've noticed that a i like my cooked food better than when i order food because i don't know what it is maybe it's because i don't put in the fridge like when i just offered you warm sushi she just offered me warm sushi which was talk about sabotage talk about and then she was trying to be like you try it you try it first and like oh i see what's happening here okay i feel like when you reach a certain age and you point in your life at a certain age when you hit 30 people used to be like oh my god don't eat that that's going to give you diarrhea please I would love to have diarrhea I will eat that you're backed up I'm backed up

I would I woke up today constipated I would love to give to eat oh that's I forgot the first time I came to America I was telling her this the first time I came to America in especially California I heard everyone always talking about sushi sushi was not a big thing yet in Israel now it is in Tel Aviv because that's where I grew up in Haifa but anyway so I was just like oh I want to be like all these cool Americans I'm going to try sushi I was at a gas station gas station what is wrong my English today to my mouth I was at a gas station and I'm like okay this is where I would buy this I didn't know there's a difference so I bought sushi at a gas station and I tried that diarrhea for two days straight honestly jelly I was like throwing up in every

single hole that was that I had in my body needs a colonoscopy just buy sushi at a gas station my friends will like be eating so healthy and then be like why am I so backed up it's because they're tight like they're stressed they're eating perfectly they're working perfectly i'm like just go to taco bell and you will be freed of all your issues no but stressfully that's the crazy thing like you can also get get get going your stupid little walks to get a stupid little son and you but if you're stressed like i went recently to a chiropractor no um to acupuncture acupuncture acupuncture acupuncture fuck sorry acupuncture acupuncture acupuncture acupuncture acupuncture acupuncture acupuncture that's when you're famous you say acupuncture you know what it is it's fine i'm over it we get it i don't need there's

going to be certain words i can't pronounce it is what it is i'm over it language means i knew what you were talking about it doesn't matter how i say it so i went to that because i and he because i wasn't i just recently got off birth control and there's a few unlucky people who when they get off birth control they gain weight from getting off of birth control when you got on it did you lose weight yes wow yeah so i got off of it and now it's been two months off of it and the first month I gained 10 pounds in a month and then of course I don't I get at the whole body positivity but it doesn't it's I'm not this is not for other people this is for me and how I feel about myself the truth is I'm not feeling I don't feel that great when I'm gaining

like you were out of your equilibrium that you normally are and it's stressful because it's such an out of control thing you didn't change your eating habits I gained 10 pounds I got acne everywhere including on my chest on my back because that's what I used to have acne when I was younger so now I'm like in my 30s suddenly getting acne in random places and then and then in my motions all over the place yeah i'm literally feeling like a teenage boy again without the sex so it's like really not fun at all still masturbating a lot just like a teenage boy but no actual sex that's so fucked up because men don't have to deal with this i mean maybe they should maybe men should take birth control but do you also people say do you ever research how people say you're attracted to different guys

when you're on and off birth control okay yeah i researched that is it bullshit doesn't i don't doesn't it's just like your hormones are different they say i mean right now i'm attracted to british men is because i got off a birth control yeah that's what happens that's what happens when you get off low gestural you're just like i need some bloody sex yeah something you're like i don't i like yes you get up birth control and you start having your british acts i know guvna yeah but it's just so then i even tried to diet a bit and like that's what was the most frustrating thing like i try to keto diet all that and I'm not losing the weights and then it's frustrated I'm like eating food I'm like so

used to eating fattening food yeah but I get it it is good for you to eat healthier food because it does change how you feel during the day like if you eat really heavy in the morning it does make you more sluggish yes sure whatever yeah I mean life is short but yeah I agree do I love 11 amm nap after a big breakfast absolutely I'm anemic so I literally will fall asleep after I eat how do you know you're anemic the doctor told me i feel like i might be anemic a lot of women are what are the signs um when we finish recording i'm going to show you a bruise that i have in my thought like the side of my leg it's like huge anemic is basically like you just tap me and i i'm going to get bruised up and you can get dizzy easily or you you have to have a nap after you eat because your blood level i forgot what that

is and it just you just need more iron in your system but you sound so dainty you're like if you even touch me I'm like oh oh my god me and my WhatsApp vagina are so tiny we're so no I'm definitely not anemic because I literally could fall down the stairs and be fine if you don't call this episode white set vagina I will never speak to you again I for a second I don't know what you're saying no I will now I can stop thinking about the gaping hole in between your legs no no it's small it's small like the first time i met her and do you know any letterman she's a comic showed me her vagina yesterday oh yeah yeah because we were talking about like labia being uneven a lot of the time and she was like yeah look at mine and then i felt weird i was like does i mean i have to show

her mine because i don't really yeah i like didn't i just was like mm-hmm i just wasn't i just we were in like a public lobby i just she's more fun than me i guess i was like i don't really i'm wearing high waisted jeans this is like really logistically hard one time i had a doctor um a uh a surgeon on my show on my podcast dr nazarian and she specializes in vagina surgery so at point she done of half of my friends like labiaplasty yeah so when i she when she came on my podcast i took 50 pictures of my vagina so i'm like okay here look every angle yeah and she's like this is the most wide set thing i've ever seen no but i just keep swiping and swiping and swiping and she's like no yeah no looks good we got it i was like wait wait wait wait she's like every angle i was like what do you mean

half of your friends have gotten labiaplasties dude it's crazy because they want it to look like there's no labia yeah when did this when did this become a trend because i didn't i feel like my new york city girlies either they're not telling me or i didn't know is it just known if you have labia you should cut it off in l-a no but like there's so many girls that have it done it's kind of wild. How do you find out? They tell you? For me, they normally tell me. Hi, my name Sarah. And this is my cutoff labia. I keep it in a little mason jar with me for good luck. I mean, one of my friends had a baby and then, but you know, I think, look, I'll be honest. It does sound intriguing, but then at what point do you kind of have to learn how to love yourself

and not take it that far where you're like even fixing that area? Because, you're, you're, like, even fixing that area because you you won't feel comfortable because you know and also fixing is socially constructed who said like I I know guys who like the more the merrier like they want a vagina that's like looks like a big flower that's welcoming you in yeah you know but it's like a lot of it's really from porn I feel like a lot it's it's it's so it's so weird it's I think for women in general it's so hard to to learn how to love your vagina because you sometimes don't know or I mean because I remember growing up I was changing in the locker room with these girls who I was friends with or maybe it was in a hotel whatever and they all had the same vaginas and all the vaginas were like as Barbie as it gets and it was kind of the first time I looked at their vaginas I was like oh in my brain I'm like wait that doesn't look like my vagina and I was really confused it so you're like oh my god do I have it literally weird vagina no labia yeah doesn't exist there's nothing there mine shows a little like when I've described my labia my vagina before I said basically the way my labia I used to call a clit I found out it's not your clit so the way my labia You're like my cleat

My cleat Do my cleat works Can you touch Can you play with my cleat? Though I was like This how I would describe my vagina I was like I think I actually texted this

I got one time Describe my vagina Now that I think I don't know why I did that Were you like trying to sex But got really scientific You're like my labia majora No it's being play fun

I'm like the way my vagina Looks is basically My labia is really excited To party with her friends And then she ends up showing up To the party by herself And she's really nervous she has anxiety so she opens a door and she piques her head in just a little bit a little bit

just to see who's there and if she wants to hang out with them the way she peeks her head a little bit that's my vagina she wants to be one of my labias she's lazy she's hanging she's chilling the other one a little uptight a little uptight the other one chill in high as the kite roll and flapping around in the wind you know are you kidding me i'm just thinking like that's another thing i have to think about and worry about that your labia is uneven i didn't even realize that was a thing here we go i guess sometimes you know yesterday to my friend we were like joking about labia i clearly talk and i just go like this and she's like yep well actually sometimes when i get at the shower it like comes out more and then you're right if i look at it and but then oh my god one time i was

in one of my exes i thought you had to have the barbie vagina so i didn't even like it peeking even a little so right before we're about to have sex i would tuck my my labia in and then then I kid you now one day he looked to me and he goes babe you don't have to keep tucking your your clit in the hole you would like tuck it like you just swipe I just swipe and then it goes my god you were you were labia tucking I was a labia tucker but did you have a guy say babe I like it no he said babe you don't have to keep tucking your your your clitorisend or whatever and I was just like what do you're talking about and I was like what no I don't And he goes, I know you do it.

And I'm like, no, I don't. But, like, think about even circumcision. Like, that is a kind of social construction, too, that, like, like, guys, you're cutting off a piece of the, they thought. Oh, it was like a religious thing that they thought that guys would masturbate more if you had, why is it? How do you? You're like, it was, uh. I just, I've had like a lot of conversations about it, but basically like, it is. it is a religion thing.

Muslims and Jews cut it. And also now it's become more acceptable in Western culture to cut it. In the U.S. It has grown over the years where now less people are circumcising. People really, I was even thinking, I don't think I want to circumcise my future son,

but then my religion does my race, for me being Jewish's race. But it's because in the old days, people used to circumcise because people were not as clean as they are now. So you would get a lot of, like, yeast infections and SDs and all these things faster because they weren't clean young people that's why when there's still that stigma around

men who are not circumcised girls are like oh i don't know if i can do that ew blah blah it's like no men shower now i think i would hope they have accessible water i mean sometimes in l-a it gets you know you're not sure when the next water will be like they clean there it's the same thing yeah like the same thing with your little flaps you have to move it around clean it i mean my fiance my husband's uncircumcised shut up irish he's i well like yeah he's i he was born in in english actually and they just the thing is they have more nerves so like blow jobs they enjoy more it's like it's hot it's it's hot and also like I've had no no issue in terms of like it being dirtier or whatever than any other normal dick and like it's true they just have to like clean it you have to put a little effort and it's self lubricated when you give head you your mouth doesn't have to be watery anymore you're just like yeah with hand jobs you don't have to lubricate it it just goes up and down yeah oh my god you guys the tea so the first the first time I hooked up with an uncircumcumcumcure I was in college and I freaked out and I just go, what do I do? And he was like super chill and he was

just like treated the same, which is not. You could do more shit with it. But like I just remember being scared. But again, I just want to say it's social construction that like vagina should look a type of way. I know one woman I was watching reality show and she's like, I cut my vagina because the labia made it uncomfortable to walk. And I'm like, really? No, no, that's the thing. That's a real thing like the the surgeon which she when she specializes with vaginaplasty yeah it's also now it's becoming a trend like everything becomes a trend like you know me having being born with no enamel my teeth getting bullied for my whole life and you need to have veneers now every per every instagram or person has veneers and you're kind of like you do did you really need that it's insane to me when i have friends who

get veneers and i'm like you've ruined perfectly good teeth and they're like no i'm just like you i'm like no i'm like I would not go through all this pain that I've gone through. Because they shave down their regular teeth. Sometimes a little bit from the side. And then sometimes a full, like sometimes they turn into a knob, depending on your type of tooth. Yeah, because like then you could, what if one day you're like, I don't like my veneers anymore? Yeah. I have no choice.

I got stuck with veneers because I was born with no enamel. I've had yellow teeth and they were broken and I needed something to protect them. Because no enamel means I get, I have like 13 root canals. Yeah, there's no protection. Like my, if there's any sugary, when I used to get, I've had a, I've had cavities, cavity in every single tooth. I used to go to the dentist once a week and my mom, I didn't know yet that it was not normal. So my mom would like teach me these Russian songs. We would be walking to the dentist and it was once a week to the dentist because that's how often I would get cavities.

That is traumatizing. But I didn't know yet. So I'm thinking it's normal. I'm just spending time with my mother and then I just have to go to the dentist and it became a habit. And then I remember in fifth grade, I was going up the stairs and there was, not in fifth grade, in first grade, sorry, in first when I was five, I was going, in first grade, I was going up the stairs and we in our school, it was up to, I think, seven or eighth grade. And like seven graders, eighth graders, I guess I was always smiling a lot. It was a very happy kid. And I was like,

really smiling, going up the stairs and these kids saw me and they like pulled me to the corner and they surround they circled around me and they're just like oh yelda mako it which means like girl what is that like why do you look at that oh my god do you smoke damn how do you so how are you five years old and you're already smoking oh my gosh she smokes cigarettes like why your teeth so yellow ew why does it look like that and i could not understand what they were talking about obviously and then i was crying i called my mother and asked her to pick to pick me up and that was the that was the first time i looked in the mirror when i was and i suddenly looked at my mom Then I have towards my sister came home.

I looked to my sister and that's when I noticed like, wait, their teeth don't look like mine. Yeah. And you just saw you for you. You're like, this is me. And I told my mom, I don't want to go back to school unless like I do something about this teeth. So if five years old, we started going through veneers, capsules, bondings.

It's all these different things through insurance because it's half insurance covers half and the other half my parents would pay. And it was all these ways to kind of put some whitening over my teeth in order to not get bullying. But after that, I stopped smiling. I wouldn't talk to boys. Oh my God. That's why I didn't have my first kiss until it was like 17 or 18.

I tried meth before I had my first kiss. Did you had meth before? Yeah, it's another story. On accident. Tread meth and accident. It was on accident. And by the way, I've never smoked a cigarette in my life because of all the bullying. The people used to tell and make fun of me that I smoke cigarettes.

I mean, our life really, like our first seven years, things affect us so much. But that's heartbreaking to hear too because like your teeth are directly correlated with your self-esteem. You know how you have. It's on my face. I have nightmares sometimes that my teeth are broken. Do you ever have that? And you can't smile.

And apparently it directly affects you being like, oh, you don't like how people see you. Oh, my God. That's like the correlation. So you literally were living where like you felt like you couldn't express yourself or people would be gross out by you. Well, I stopped smiling. And I remember even when I moved to the U.S. And I was just met my first American friend.

We're hanging out with two guys. And then a boy made me laugh. And I accidentally actually smiled or laughed. And I have a dimple. And he goes, oh, I've really. really I really like it when you smile even I smiled and I looked at him and I was like in tears and I was just like why would you say that that's so mean why are you making fun of me right now and I'm like I want to go home because I would be like I just I never smiled I just stopped smiling and I just

I don't know what it's like and and when you do your teeth through insurance it's not the same as the current veneers that I have completely different and when all those veneers bondings and capsules they don't actually hide my real teeth as much where the yellow from my real teeth kind of shines forward so it doesn't matter how white you put on over it it still doesn't look super white and also there would be constant lines on it my teeth were constantly break and then when I became daddy issues and I went through my own depression for other things as two years into it I was anonymous and then when I decided I was saving up money and I said I'm going to get myself those rich people a list celebrity veneers because I'm okay with people you know

coming to me about anything breaking me but like I can't handle like I've already spent 24 years of insecurities about who I am like not feeling beautiful and all that so I was like I will have to get my teeth done like that is not something I can handle like anyone making fun of me and it was it's it's vineyards are higher more expensive now but back then it was $1,800 a tooth oh they cost more now did you do every tooth yeah I my doctor luckily gave me a discount but I I see I paid $25,000 instead of $50,000 to redo my whole mouth. But you know what? I'm so fucking proud of you for like working your ass off.

And then like it's like kind of a form of self-care to be like I love myself and I want to put myself in the best possible position. And like you're so fucking strong. And also I mean, that's why you're hot with a good personality. Most hot girls like you don't have the quick, no, most people with kids like you do not have the kind of comedic timing you have um i also want to know in l.A i feel like people are have like the time to like work on their self-healing i don't know why in l.A it's like i feel like really prioritized where new york are like work work work what are some current things that you're doing

in terms of self like care and self-love right now like are you seeing a shaman are you like do you have a mantra like what are you up to um you know i tried to do those mantras of sometimes i just do things where it's okay it's so silly but a i've learned my because one day i was having a little little breakdown little cute little breakdown just feeling like i'm not doing enough and then uh it was the little things is to open up to one of my friends because i remember i was just like i'm just like call my friend i'm like balling i'm like everything's not going right blah blah and she's just like stop she's just not saying anything she looks to me she goes oh my god you look so ugly when you cry stop i have to take a picture and i just start laughing and i'm like wait hold on let me pose

and it's like it's actually on my podcast instagram and i talked about it was like it literally me going like and it looks so bad and she takes a screenshot and then we just start laughing and like just just talking to a friend and then afterwards going on you stupid little walks for your stupid little mental health or you know I do these things now that Saturdays I call my Shabbat which is also a Jewish thing where I try not to be on my phone I try not to work or when I'm spending time with people I'm literally not on my phone at all because I want to focus on the moment or I do the things where I get silly with myself just like staying in front of the mirror do dances where I look silly and it's little like moments where I fall in love with myself again and I don't know it's so

sweet but it's just like it's just remembering to just be playful and childish because that i feel like that's the one thing no one can take away from you and even if the passive they have it's because i've allowed them to and it's kind of as you get older you're like this is all i have like this body my mind is all i have yeah like my home for the rest of my life also i notice you have like post it's everywhere and downstairs you have like a whiteboard of goals can you tell me a little about like how that affects your work it helps me say organized because I'm so ADHD and I'm a very more a creative person and it's probably like I'm a visual person like I like to see the list well sometimes I have the list in my brain normally but then

it overwhelms me and then when I write it down it's something about then it's my competitive side comes in I don't know how to explain it but then it's like the minute I wrote it down then I'm like oh if I do this that I can just mark a thing off and then I feel like I just I did something literally crossing something off on a list is sometimes better than sex well that you're saying that because you are having sex people that are not I wouldn't but so kind of those moments helped me like okay I have my shit together like literally you came to my house to see all these post sets my house is a mess right now with all my clothes and I look at the post says I'm like yes my life is together I will literally write something on a list that's like the littlest thing like put like take

the garbage out that's just to mark it off the list sometimes I write it as I'm already doing the task yeah just to do it just so then it can be like yep mark it off how do you organize i didn't see it but i want to know how do you organize your like goals board like what is what kind of stuff is on it is it like yearly monthly well it just when it comes to me i think i think some of these people and i can relate i'm very hard on my i'm a perfectionist and the worst thing of being a perfectionist is that you have to accept the fact that you're not perfect so perfectionist you're constantly seeking perfection but you never find it so it's just a constant um frustration and pain in your head and you're like why am i doing this to myself so

i too have those moments where i'm not feeling creative i'm not feeling inspired i don't feel like working but now i understand that's okay because that's how i'm able to then compare to the moments where i do feel like working i do feel inspired those ideas do come to me so on when it comes to the whiteboard i write my goals when i'm in those moments where it's those highs it's i think it's it is ADHD when you're suddenly those highs and you're like oh my god i can do this I can do this thing and it's like it's so exciting and I just start writing it down yeah and then sometimes I forget about it sometimes I achieve it I don't know yeah ADHD is literally like you scroll on your phone in a stress spiral versus then you think of one idea you love and you're

so passionate about it and you're so focused for like 48 hours on it yeah it's it's I mean it's exciting and then you get bored it's so me I like then you're like what is my ex's sister's manager up to right now like the fact that I'm able to not only continuously continue my podcast where I was posting once a week and now I'm even able to sum up so far post three times a week and then I have my Spotify show every Thursday now that's four contents that I've and then I still post every day on all my other social media platforms the fact that I'm able to continue doing that that is the most consistent job that I've had the last couple of years and I think because you're challenging yourself no it's because my contracts you're like guess bitch needs to get paid

the car no the contracts are so like you guys don't know contracts are when it comes to different types of artists like when when you see all these people singers complaining on TikTok about what their bosses agents or contracts make them do like yes some of it can be fake but like you guys don't understand that you kind of that's what you have to continue enjoying doing what you do or you will just be miserable because you're in a contract but the contracts kind of forced me like my last podcast contract basically said that I um I had to produce an episode every week for the whole year so I couldn't actually do like other people do like a break and if I miss an episode I owed my contract network my I own my podcast network the money for the ads that they would

have got paid that that month that week so then I would owe them thousands of dollars for that week do you have a day off well I try to have the day off now on Saturdays yeah kind of and do you have like a consistent weekly schedule or is everything different every week I wish I think I know I be that organized person I'm not I don't know how I also wish that I was like okay I have boundaries I only record Monday Tuesdays but like then someone DMs me who like I really like who's like are you free Thursday and I'm like yeah and the next you know something gets booked on Tuesday and I'm like let's do this Wednesday and next you know I have no days off because I'm like I get excited for stuff I think that's important because when you have your days off then you can't appreciate when you are working

I think it's it's balanced I hate saying that as an adult because when adults used to tell me that I'm like you're like uh like a short i gotta go when i'm 30 i'm gonna have like three businesses seven husbands you can't be creative when you're exhausted yeah and my and our job requires creativity and creativity also comes from living living resting getting to sleep because when i am okay here's an example that happened to me a while back is that um i was overly working trying to do everything on my own and create all this content and get back to everyone and then I was driving and I was going into a parking lot and this is the weirdest thing but as I was you know in the parking lot where you have to grab a ticket for what is that thing called that goes up oh yeah the thing of a jigger the thing

of the jigger so I did not grab my ticket so my my foot's on the break and I go to grab my ticket I didn't grab my ticket so instead of reaching I didn't grab it and my foot goes off the brake and it goes to the side of like in that area just put it on the side it's not on the gas either and then my car starts to go forward yeah and I don't know what happened because I'm I was so tired from lack of sleep yeah I just I stare and I go blank and I'm frozen and my brain goes put your foot on the brake put your phone on the break before it hits the thing that goes up and down the parking lot and I'm not moving and then I just watch my car slowly go through the thingy break it scratch my whole car dash bash my window shield and then scratch and then completely take off the the light on the on the side of my car and I'm

complete shock and then I just I drive forward then I finally put my foot on the gas to drive forward to park my car and then I get out of the car and I'm still like in shock I look at the car I look at the thing that I broke, I see people running to the thing that I broke. And they're like, oh my God, someone just broke the blah, blah, blah. My brain out. You're like, oh, that's crazy. Who did that? No, but it just, I had no reaction, which is an issue that I have in general where I don't have reactions at the time the things happen. I have to process them for some reason. Probably some childhood trauma and blah, blah, whatever. But I just looked at it and then I just went upstairs to the dentist because I just broke my veneers. I needed to get a fixed. So then the dentist, I'm just

sitting there in silence because I'm trying to process what just happened. I you were like almost overstimulated like you couldn't handle all the shit going on dissociated or whatever that thing is called and the thing is I I'm such a logical person so my brain is trying to figure out why this happened or what just happened and I couldn't explain it so I couldn't even know how to I couldn't process it and I couldn't have reaction over it because it didn't make sense and then I remember I drove home and I'm still in shock I parked my car go to sleep and then the morning I wake up and my neighbor my neighbor text me and she goes hey my dad wanted me to check in with you to see if you're okay you left your garage door open the

whole night and we have like some workers right now working on the house across the street and so like not only that i left my house open for the whole night in my garage there's things inside my garage yeah i just left it open and i was like what what just happened and that's called like burnout yeah so that's why and that's my mom always tells me if you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to produce all these things you like your health comes first yeah you can't be creative you can't be a going if you're not, you can't be there to fill everyone else's cup and give them advice if like you're not filling up yourself up. But it's hard because you feel like, oh, I'm better when I'm succeeding at things. But to succeed at things, you have to be healthy. And that takes

you listening to your gut and like listening to your like the kid who needs a break. Yeah. I mean, that was that was a little. And when I told my sister, you're like, V, you're scared me. What is that? As entrepreneurs, no one's there to tell us like, okay, go home now. Yeah. That's so true. to you to tell yourself when to stop um i fixed my car though so it's fine okay good i was worried about it um you're like we're good now we're rolling final question what are we manifesting right now what are we working on damn actually i don't have anything i'm manifesting no but that could be good too that you're like oh i'm in the moment and i'm well because i don't want to say i'm manifesting

or what i'm looking forward to let's say if the one thing i don't have right now is love because I don't I don't think I'm going to be honest with myself because right now I'm not really in that mode that I'm looking for love. I and I feel like that's the thing I'm supposed to say and that's why I say sometimes but then I end up finding maybe the wrong people I kind of it is funny though I feel like when you have your career going well you're like I need love and then when you have love you're like oh well I need my career I feel like there's always something that you'll find exactly that you're working on like I have love right now and I'm like okay well like I need more in my career when I feel like I don't know that's just a perspective thing like it's I

I think gratitude is the answer to everything. Well, now I feel terrible about myself that I don't have anything looking forward to you. I'm like, no, no, no, I, no, it sounds. I'm going to have goals. Oh, my God. No, it sounds like you're also like, you have like 400 shows going on and you've given yourself the most beautiful, like, home and job and pet. Like, you surround yourself with so many great things.

I think I'm just like, I guess I'm just really happy with a person I'm becoming and I feel like like I told you when we're talking my podcast that the other day when I was hanging out my parents when we were just playing um um um dominoes or whatever we were playing and I was giggling I was laughing and they were saying how I remind I'm it reminds them of who I used to be when I was a child because then afterwards I started to become so closed off and angry all the time and now I'm back to the child like self and like that's that's nice like I'm like going back to that pure person that I've always you that I was as a child I love that about myself and that child wasn't sitting there like what should I manifest or like

what am I missing in my life that child was just like waking up and enjoying yeah moment which is like so fucking beautiful I yeah and I think it's more so yeah I guess secondly I'm not manifesting anything for the future because I don't think because sometimes I think we think we want this we want this because that's what society is telling us or that just then I would be more success more this to be honest I'm if I'm honest with myself I'm not I'm just trying to get through by get through the day that's a because i've so many shows so i'm trying not to get burnt out before i go on my vacation and i think i'm just manifesting to just continue being the person that i am going to continue growing because i really like who i am right now and i really like the people

i'm surrounding myself with and i just really like keep learning more and more about life i'm just i'm such a curious person that i love just learning new things every single day she loves a research moment well thank you for opening up about your shit and educating us and tell you telling us about the details of your vagina where can people follow you listen to you give me all the tea okay so you can find me on evila benson you can check out my meme account daddy issues underscore and of course my podcast almost adulting it's on every tuesday thursday and sunday check out my episode i just did this is a pod swap she was just on my podcast she's on a thursday episode that's when i have my guests and fun things like that every single

the episodes are different for those specific days so so it's like for everyone and then except that I also have my Spotify show called hey best sees it's every Thursday night where you guys get to join me and talk to me at 7 p.m. Pacific time and at 10 p.m. Eastern time and then in between that I take naps. Hell yeah. Thank you guys for coming to hell and we'll talk to you later. Bye. Thank you.