BFFs with Dave Portnoy, Josh Richards, and Brianna Chickenfry - BERT KREISCHER TALKS FOR 1 HOUR AND 8 MINUTES STRAIGHT - BFFs S2 Ep 11

Episode Date: March 20, 2025

On today's new episode we found a new middle aged man to join us! Bert tells us the most insane stories about his friends, bragged about how many awards he's won, and forced us to hear about his experiences in therapy BUT we enjoyed every second of it. Bert's new special "Lucky" is OUT NOW on Netflix-- Also BERT IS GOING BACK ON TOUR so check out https://bertbertbert.com for tour dates! --------- Subscribe to the podcast now: https://barstool.link/3m4Q0Fq Download the Gametime app today and use code BFF for $20 off your first purchase Join today in-club, online or in the free Planet Fitness app Ghost Energy: now sold nationwide at Circle K stores and here to stay! Lift your look and grab a pair of austin lifts at https://www.heydude.comYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/bffspod

Hey, BFF listeners, you can find us every Wednesday on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. Yo, what is up everyone? Welcome back to the BFF's podcast. Make sure you guys tap that bell, subscribe and like the video. Yes.

I guess I kind of took it all. You did. Well, let's get into that. Let's go. Are you rolling? Are we rolling? Are we rolling? Are we rolling?

We're good? All right. I'm 52. You right? I'm 52 you are I'm 52 I'm in Paris with my wife at dinner Watching your love life and my wife's like what are you doing? And I go Briana. It's fucking shit's going down She was like are you being serious? I go. Yeah, she goes. You know her I go not really Do you know him I said no She goes in you and you're really invested in this? I go, very, very invested.

Wait, okay, I'm curious, what's an outsider's take? What's Burt's take on the money? You're not gonna like my take. Okay, I want to hear it. You should've taken the money. Everyone thinks that. No, no, no, you should, I'll tell you, man, I've been in drama before.

Internet drama sucks. It does. It sucks. It sucks because, it sucks because, don't you guys have like a booze company or something? Oh yeah, you want some? Yeah, I'll take a cocktail. It sucks because, because you get misrepresented.

You get misspoken for. Yeah. And it is colossally frustrating. And you're never gonna win. You're never gonna win, not everyone's gonna agree with you, people are gonna hate your guts, and they're gonna hate your guts for unfair reasons and And you know and like we talked about we talked about on two bears me Ari and Tom

Yeah, and I was like, you know, there's so it's such a deep if there's so much to it that There's so much to unpack There's something like like and I know I know no one comes on this podcast to defend that guy, but what I will say is I Can't imagine What how weird his head must have spun with the life he has? Oh a guy like that is not supposed to be the number five earning artist in the world Yeah, he seemed like a regular guy and all of a sudden life is fucking crazy

Listen, I'm famous famous but I'm 52. I got famous at 44. Like I felt very lucky for it, but even I was fucked up. Even I was fucked up. But yeah, I would have taken the money and just not said anything. Yeah, I couldn't take, I fucking. I know, I know.

I could never, I still like. There would have been a lot of things that you do today that you wouldn't be able to do too. Hey, let me tell you something. The silence is deafening. Yeah, oh, I know. The silence, to hold your fucking tongue, you end up saying things.

Well, then I would have said something and got sued, and then I would have been in fucking court, and then it's like, just fuck you. And anytime you would have said, and he's a boyfriend after that, anytime you ever brought up, I dated this one guy, it's that guy, that's who they think it is.

Exactly. That's the frustrating part. And they tried to, the NDA was crazy, they dated this one guy, it's that guy, that's who they think it is. That's the frustrating part. And they tried to, the NDA was crazy, they tried to loop Josh into it, Dave into it, all of Barstool, it was just, it was fucking colossal. And then, I get heartbroken that you and Grace break up, because I loved you two together, and then it's like, all of a sudden, it's like all I'm doing is fixating on you.

And I've been saying your name wrong this entire time. What were you saying? Chicken Fried. That's okay. I've been saying your name wrong this entire time. What were you saying? Chicken Fried. That's okay. I've been saying Brianna Chicken Fried. I said it to Tommy and he goes, what did you just say? And I'm thinking, there's no way you know who I'm talking about.

And I goes, Brianna Chicken Fried. And he goes, no, it's not. I go, no, you don't know who I'm talking about. And he goes, no, you don't know. And we had to go fight. We had to go fight about how to say your name. And then he knows you and I'm like, wait, how do you know her?

And he goes, everyone fucking knows her. I was like, cause if you know her and he goes everyone fucking knows her I was like because if you get on Thompson girl's radar man oh shit I made it you're this close from my mom knowing yeah all right guys I'm sure a lot of you like myself struggle with work-life balance or just feeling stressed out during your day well do I have a solution for you because of Planet Fitness Planet Fitness Black Hearts fall can help you with all of that. They got massage chairs. They got the hydro massage bed. Everything you can need at their 2,700 plus locations. You can bring a friend anytime. So make sure you guys rebound and

recover with the Planet Fitness Black Card Spa. Get your first month free when you join online for $1 down 24.99 a month, cancel anytime and make sure to use code RR 2025. That's code RR 2025 expires April 8th, 2025. We are all strong on this planet. Join today in club online or in the free planet with a set I know it was the only likable side of them Only reason I like Dave Portnoy is cuz you guys what am I supposed to follow him for pizza reviews? We had him back on yesterday for like a little guest episode. He was so excited. He sits down He couldn't stop talking. He didn't want to leave. It was great. It was good. It was good He said he'd been walking around He feels like he has no one to talk to about the drama anymore So it's good that he joined us. It was good that he joined me. He had to get off his chest

Do you okay? Do you like know anything? Otherwise like about the tik-tok drama tik-tok drama stuff. Do you scroll? Oh, yeah, I do scroll you scroll by scroll but like My my algorithms pretty fucked. What is it? It's uh, like I think everyone knows it by now is boat crash videos It's HBCU cheerleaders. Puerto Ricans getting their hair cut. Watches and like hot chicks at golf. Have you seen the lady that went to Pakistan and is taking over?

Black chick? Yeah. It's fucking awesome. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, don't get me started on black chicks, okay? I'm going through a moment. Oh, okay. What is this moment?

Doji just fucked me up. I'm fucking obsessed with her. Just as a two. That's all we've been talking about on this podcast. I'm obsessed with her. I just said this at lunch. It breaks my heart. It doesn't break my heart,

but it hurts my feelings that I am the actual polar opposite of what she's attracted to. That the last thing she'd have sex with would be me. The very last thing, if we were all on a bus, she'd pick everyone and then go, fine, this guy. I'm sure. She probably doesn't even want you to be a fan of her music. She's like.

We both grew up in Tampa. Oh, okay. Yeah, I wanna be like, yo, we're from Tampa, but you know, we probably didn't grow up in the same neighborhood. So it's like, yeah. What country club did you belong to? She was like, huh? Did you go to Avila? grow up in the same neighborhood. So it's like, yeah. What country club did you belong to? She's like, huh?

Did you go to Avila? My parents just left Avila. Yeah, but we, Palma Sia? Is that, what are you fucking talking about? I'm such a disconnected individual. No, the black chick taking over Pakistan. Yes. I can't wait to see her beheading video.

It's gonna be so good. It's gonna happen soon too. Or she's gonna be so good. I think. It's gonna happen soon too. Or she's gonna behead someone. Somebody else. On the fucking news. There's no way this doesn't end bad. There's no way.

This is like, this is. I've been thinking about being the one that sends her the $100,000 just to get whatever needs to happen. You get good media coverage. I just wanna get get moving man. I just saw her video today, and I didn't I didn't know what I was watching And I'm like why isn't someone punched her that's what they do in that country you can totally punch a woman But she's running the show everyone's listening to her What if she affects change what?

That's where I got that question I I swear to God, I had a question. I saw this video and then I said, if you had to travel to a country to kill a woman, what country would you go to first and what country would you go to last? To kill a woman, you had to kill her. Like what would be the easiest nationality to kill, in your opinion?

Oh, the woman's nationality. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you travel to a country, like on vacation, but you're really there to kill someone. And opinion. Oh like the woman's nationality. Yeah, yeah, yeah you travel the country like on vacation But you're really there to kill someone okay, and you and you pick that based on what would be the lightest lift for you hardest Russia Oh, I don't want to go against a Russian. No. No. Oh wow wow oh god. You just fucked me up I don't want to go against a Russian woman. Okay. I scared I'd said Brazil you said that's gonna be the hardest I have a Brazilian girlfriend. You know what maybe I back that up now maybe I back that up now should say that that's probably the right answer for me so I'm gonna say the Brazilian women's Brazil's tough now wait so what do you think's easiest I

think people would say Asia but that's a missed yeah no no you gotta remember you gotta lure them in right oh America no no that's up in the top one hard ones really yeah women are getting killed every day here the soft ones okay that's a little bit of natural selection so the easiest and you don't think it's an Asian country I think we're gonna I think you go so so let me I'm gonna tell you a short story yeah I traveled in Australia. Ever been to Australia? I haven't been to Australia.

In Australia, every sign is written in English and in German because Germans grow up with no predators. They have no predators. They don't have wolves. No predators. Wow. So Germans think, hey, Germans are like white kids that go to private school. This world's easy. Right. Yeah they're never looking over

their shoulder. Germans die at a crazy clip in Australia. They get eaten by crocodiles like every day five Germans get eaten by crocodiles. I don't know if you might want to google that but. That sounds true. I feel like that's a really high stat. Five a day? I don't know maybe. So that's why I would choose German adjacent. I go to Norway. Oh, yeah, you've really thought about Right you thought about men killing women think about killing. Wow, that's so funny. That's so sexist of me Yeah, where would you kill the men like I'm an easy man for me to kill Whoa, whoa. Whoa, you just blew my mind. You're gonna have to give me a second. Okay, it's definitely not Russia I'm definitely not killing a Russian man No, no, no, that's again the hardest. I think that's the hardest for both genders. Fair. They're just so fucking scary. Yeah

They hang out with bears on a daily. Where are they? I traveled to Russia once Anyway, yeah My daughter is traveling abroad right now studying abroad and I said this I'm so excited for you This is gonna be such a great great great adventure and she goes really if you ever traveled abroad dad And I went what she was you ever study abroad and I said yeah, she goes. Where did you go? And I went you being serious because I'm fucking with you Don't think I've heard that story the men

Easy I'm trying to think little tiny men where are their little tiny men maybe like Taiwan Oh, well that note the smallest men are the smallest men. I think about how Vietnam people up, you know I'm not picking any country. We lost no no so it can't be Little less manner like probably I would say Philippines Google penis size to that one will not shock you What about that island of untouched the untouched civilization, I don't that's the hard What are you going in with is it bare hands? I've always wanted to fly a drone show over top of that island of the like yeah haven't been you know

Yeah civilized whatsoever because I think I'd become their God. Oh If you go over and you fly a drone show there, thank your God Like Travis Scott he does that drone show exactly. He makes a little Travis Scott concert there and you become God That's what I love is your imperialism is showing and it's that's it's it's ingrained in us You think can I was I was in Tanzania, I was taking a helicopter in Tanzania for Travel Channel and I'm flying over these men, the Masai tribe, they're all in robes, the women are beautiful,

tall, dark skinned, all these guys have sticks, one guy's got a goat on a piece of rope. And my first thought was could I conquer them? Could I become their leader? And I went, oh my God, that's just old school colonialism. Yeah, yeah. You guys think you're God, white men, God. I become their leader. Oh my god. That's just old-school. Yeah. Yeah God white man god We're pretty close

Break it down. I mean I like we've been hitting dingers for a while The first ones showed up later, yeah, we were on the first ones. We just showed up later. Yeah. We were on the other side of the mountains. And then we came over like, yo, we'll take over from here. It's in your blood. Oh, that's terrible. It is. That is going to get clipped out in the most evil way.

It's going to be abhorrable. There's no way. And then it's going to pan to me like, look at them. You need a drink. Oh, cool. And they're warm. Thank you. Just like T-Mom, we used to brew on the porch. You're gonna pan to me like I'm drinking. You need a drink. Oh cool, they're warm, thank you. Yeah. Yeah.

Just like T-Mom, we used to brew on the porch. You look strong. I'm, that's great. Are you gonna video her saying that? No, no, no, I'm gonna show her, I'm gonna show both you guys what busting for the boys has waiting for them tomorrow. Oh, because you have a bet with them, correct?

I have a bet that I can bench press 320 pounds That's 315 Shut up I move pretty easy that move pretty easy And they think no fucking way you could do it. They think no fucking way. So what do you get if you win the bet? Just bragging rights?

Nothing really. To be honest, it was a fucked up bet. If I don't do it, then I've got to mention Bustin' with the Boys on every episode of Two Bears, which is a very popular podcast. For like how long? For a year. Woo. For a year.

On every episode? Yeah. And if I don't do it, they got to mention my tour, which I'm not doing anymore. So... Why aren't you doing your tour anymore? I took time off. I got really close to stand-up. I mean, like, I've been doing this for 25 years,

26 years, and these last six years have been really intense. I'm actually touring during the pandemic. Oh, wow. During the pandemic, I created a touring, because I'm one of those people that, like, I like a problem, because I can fix it. I'm one of those people that if I like a problem, so I can fix it. I created outdoor touring at Drive-In Movie Theaters.

I won an award for it. And so I won a lot of awards for it. Very humble about this situation. No, no, no, I'm very proud of it. Listen, if you don't talk about yourself, maybe no one talks about you. If you don't talk about your awards, you have to talk about your awards.

You know, it's so Yeah, I have one. You know, it's still funny, I got a bunch of awards within the same year. I wish they could have spread them out. Yeah, I feel that, yeah. You wanna like- It's like one hot year and I got comedian of the year, one damn the torpedoes award.

I got all these cool awards, but I don't remember what they are anymore. So I was like- They're back to back, right? I was just like, ah. Time just goes ah. I haven't gotten any awards this year. Do you think it's because you got so many and now it's like well he can't do anymore? I can't get him. You can't win community or twice.

I mean you can but you gotta be a better comic than me. So I. Who has one? Has anyone won it twice? I'm sure Chappelle. Chris Rock. Those guys won. But no so I was so close.

As I was doing my last special, Lucky, streams March 18th on Netflix, I wanted something else, I wanted something else, and it took me a very, I wanted a sex joke, and it took me, because everything that was about my family, but I had nothing about a sex joke about me and my wife, and it took me forever to get it. And I was just kept writing the same kind of thing

over and over and nothing was different. And I was like, yo, I need to take a break from stand up. I'm losing my mind. I'd also spin out wildly about little things about stand up. And so I was like, I'm gonna take time off. I was gonna take three months off and then do a European tour. And then my wife's like, cancel the European tour.

So I canceled that, and then I was supposed to start touring then, do my summer festival, and I was like, yeah, I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna do stand-up. I wanna just stop doing stand-up and then reset everything, and then get on stage and see what I'm talking about now. And Louie did that. Louie was the first person, Ali Wong did that,

and I never, I thought it was so crazy. And it's been really helpful. It's been really helpful to not have prepared material to bring to you, which is where you get in your stand-up reign. So yeah, and I'm supposed to start touring again in October, but I don't think that's gonna happen. I think I'm gonna-

You're gonna keep pushing it off, you think? I'm doing a scripted series that shoots through the summer. I think I'm doing a movie that shoots. So I think I'm gonna do some movies and kind of see what happens. Yeah. I like you acting. You're a really funny actor. Thank you. Can I tell you what I want someone to do? I want someone to take my movie The Machine and turn it into those clips on YouTube shorts that makes me so interested in a movie that no one sees. You ever see like a clip of a movie and you're like, a man and a woman took a sailboat to an island

where they took their dinghy and then a storm came in and then you're like, where's part two? And then I watched a whole movie on TikTok the other day, watched part one, part two, part three, part four. Then I went back to Wikipedia and read the plot because I was like, I don't have enough answers. That's the best part about TikTok, there's always this series and then you need

to find the actors and then you follow them on Instagram Yeah, I just realized I'm gonna see you guys you're doing my cooking show. We oh, yeah. Oh my god I was because part of me is like this isn't ending. I'm not done yet And then I was like I get to talk to you guys again. Oh, yeah, we get to do more We also we have a game we want to play with you, too Let's do it. Okay, so like you said when you first came in, you know a lot about the drama You were invested in it These are like situations that have happened in our like sphere on barstool on

Tik-tok and we want to see what your take on these would be okay, okay? I'll read the first instance, but yeah, okay Okay, your girlfriend cheats on you with your best friend and they start dating the guy She cheats with also has a girlfriend in the same friend group it becomes the biggest story on the internet What's your take on that? What would you do if you were in that man's shoes? Wait who is it? Oh, I don't know. Just a guy. Probably a really good looking guy. He seems like a good guy too. Probably a stand up guy. He really loved the girl too. He was probably know trying to help people and he got hurt

So yeah, what would you do? I so I got cheated on in college my best friend had sex with my girlfriend Oh my god, and I was in Russia at the time and so I came home and everyone knew except for me Oh, you could feel it. Like did you just feel something was off? Oh They call it cock. That's what the word is was off? Oh, they call it cuck. That's what the word is. And it feels like it sounds. I always say cuck. He doesn't like when I say cuck. No, I don't.

Cause you know, it hits me in a certain place. Oh, true. It sucks. To be a cuck sucks. Oh, that sucks. How'd you find out? So, so the kid I grew up with, Pat Fagan,

I was home and he saw them making out in a car and he came to me and he went to both of them and said, I'm gonna give you guys until tomorrow morning to tell him or I'm telling him. That's a good friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, tricks. Yeah, I haven't called it that since we were children. And so she told me, and I gotta be honest with you.

So you were still dating her when you came back. Oh yeah, ooh, oh yeah. And she told me, and at first I was like, she didn't tell me they had sex, she told me they kissed. And I was like, okay, now I'm out, I'm not really destroyed, stuff happens, but now I can go hook up with chicks and then I can come back if I want to.

And then I saw him. I saw him. And he was like, did he see you told you? And I said, yeah, and I was pissed. And he goes, listen, I'm sorry. I go, listen, all you guys did was kiss. And he went, hmm? I went, oh, fuck.

And to make things worse, and this guy is still a friend of mine, a very close friend of mine. We just saw him a couple weeks ago. He has the biggest dick in the world. And I've known that his dick was the first time I saw, his dick was the first dick I saw where I was like, wait, we don't have the same ones? Oh, man.

They're all different sizes? We were at tennis camp, and we were like fifth grade, third grade or whatever, and I was like, grade, third grade or whatever and I was like, I was like whoa, what's that? I was like hold on, wow. I never felt shame about my dick. Cause when you have your dick, you only see your dick. You think you got the biggest dick in the world.

You'll see it and then you see other boys' dicks and you're like, oh fuck. And so yeah, so. So you didn't blame her? No, I blamed her really bad. No, I actually talked shit about her up until like a few years ago. And yeah, a buddy of mine, I can say it.

We can believe that. Another comedian, another comedian, random as shit. Another comedian was dating her when I met her. Dude from just, he went to high school with her. He was, I'm sitting in, I'm went to high school with her he was I'm sitting and I'm sitting this is the wildest I'm sitting in I'm sitting in in Atlantic City I'm with big day ocean and Mike Vecchione and we're sitting and having drinks we just did a show we all bombed and I said to Mike Mike where you

from he goes Florida you never meet people from Florida ever ever okay so I go wait we're in Florida he goes Boca. I said shut up. I said I used to date a chick from Boca He goes really who and I said the name and he goes I dated her and I went wait I go are you Mike the wrestler? He goes yeah, I go I'm Burt from FSU anyone We almost got into a fistfight when we were 18 years old shut We almost we were at Rockets house and Rocket was like this, this jack dude that we were all friends,

but she had been dating Mike when she moved to Florida State and started dating me and had to go back and break up with Mike. Serial cheater, this is her move. Oh. She dated me for five years. I don't know if she cheated on me a bunch, but then, so then I.

She dated you for five years and she cheated on you with your best friend? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I get why you still talk shit. Oh,, it broke me so bad. Yeah, it broke me Yeah, how do you trust anyone after that great question? Yeah You don't great question great question Great, uh, and so but what's so funny is Mike and I reconnect So then one day I'm telling the story with Mike on the thing and Mike says to me he goes, you know

Can I just give you a Mike's back? You know is possibly the greatest dude alive He really is just a great great man like you do the solid man He goes can I say something because you can make your own decision because you know You didn't talk like fondly of her when last time we did a podcast. And he goes, I wouldn't do that. I said, why? In my head, I'm like, fuck her, she cheated on me. He's like, she doesn't have a platform. And can you imagine what it would feel like

to be represented but not have a platform to stay your truth? And he goes, I'm sure you had done some things that maybe, I don't know, maybe, so I wouldn't talk bad about her. And I went, good call. Yeah, and I was like, yeah. And by the way, I don't talk bad about her. I Googled her call. Yeah, and I was like, yeah, and by the way, I don't talk bad about her.

I Googled her one time, she still looks fucking beautiful, she's very happy, yeah. Good for you. I said to my wife, I said, my wife, you never Google an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend? And she goes, no. I go, it's fun to see what they're up to. I go, come on, we'll do it for you.

She goes, I go, this is hysterical. I go, what's his name? His name's Peter Giuliano, right? And I go, Peter Giuliano. So I type it in and I go, what's his name? His name is Peter Giuliano, right? And I go, Peter Giuliano. So I type it in and I go, ooh. She was supposed to say, I go, he died. She was like, what? I go, shit, he died a week ago.

She's like, wait, what the fuck? He died a week ago? I go, usually it's more fun than this. She's like, wait, I gotta call his family. Like, I know his family. I know his little brother. Oh my God, they're hurting. And I was like, ooh. You're like, oh, this is so his family. Like, I know his family. I know his little brother. Oh my God, they're hurting. And I was like, ooh.

You were like, oh, this is so exciting. Yeah, usually they just get fat. Dang. He died a week ago. It was so, I used a fake name, but it was so, and Leanne started crying and I was like, oh. Gosh. That's awful.

Do you ever go, I guess you don't need to Google it. I don't really need to Google. Yeah, it's just on your timeline. Right, it's just there. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I missed this drama. Who was it? This was about so long three years ago now This was a girl. I was with at the time Her name is Nessa Barrett and she's a musician artist and also did tik-tok as well So she has a large audience so I can talk shit about it all I want because she can defend herself

Yeah, so it's a little different. But yeah, yeah, and it was with his best friend Yes, we live together so me and that guy lived together for about two years it sucks do you know what my buddy Mike Osborne said to me he goes well let's just get a case of beer this is the night I found out right of everything and I go well I don't think that's gonna solve it and he goes no I'm it's not gonna solve it but he goes it'll make it feel better. Right. And I was like, okay. And so we went to our buddy Clint Munn house

and Clint Munn had OCD and we would, it is before anyone cared about how people's mental health. Right, right. And we got a case of beer and we told Clint, like, hey, bathroom's beautiful, how many tiles do you think you have in there? And he'd be like, ugh. And then he'd just go count his tiles.

And we'd laugh hysterically. Clint, how many steps do you think you'd take when you go up your stairs? And he'd be like, huh? And then you'd watch him, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, do you count the top step? I was like, what number you at? He's like, shit.

He got too many. Clint Munn, man, was the funniest fucking guy. I remember one time he was like, he's dead so I can tell these stories. Yeah, he was the funniest fucking guy. He was like, hey man, can I show you something? I said, what's that Clint? He goes, can you take a look at something?

And he pulls his dick out and it's like massively swollen. And I go, what the fuck happened? He goes, I think I got bit by a spider. And I go, in your pants? I go, Clint, did you have sex with someone? He goes, I did, but I don't think it's that. And I went, funny, I think. It's definitely that.

It's definitely that. 100% that. Yeah, it's really good. Clint Munn fell through a ceiling one time. We had a, we had a caught, we had an attic in this place. This is like, sometimes I tell stories about my life, I go, I don't believe me either, okay? We had a house, there was a teacher who had tenure at FSU

and he got caught selling cocaine to football players and throwing underage parties at his house. All the doors were lockable from the outside, not the inside, and he had to bounce, right? But he had tenure, so he moved to Minnesota. God, I wish I could remember that guy's name. I wish I could remember that guy's name. You could Google it.

This guy, I think he got child pornography problems. Anyway, so he had to bounce, but he had this house that he owned, so he had to rent it. So he rented it to us for $2,000. It was a fucking sick house Okay, and he what he did was he put all his goods up in the ceiling up in the attic Okay, so we'd go up in the attic get high get drunk and try on his clothes and like like put on out He had crazy shit. He was a cosplayer. Yeah. Yeah, and so we got there

so one time Clint mons in his roller skates in the attic and we're all sitting playing like bongos and smoking weed and Turns around and goes hey guys and the roller skates were too heavy for the ceiling and he fell through the fucking ceiling Into the hallway in front of his door, and he just skated into his bed and went to sleep. I swear to God. I swear to God. Did he say anything? No! He just fell through the thing. Landed and he's like, I think I hurt myself. I just went to his bed. Oh, he was a good guy. Sounds awesome. He was a good guy.

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That's like free tickets for some of these tickets. Download the Game Time app today. What time is it? Game Time. This too. He used to have a thing called the perfect cigarette. I mean, I can't tell you. I love these stories about this.

He was OCD, so he had a thing, the perfect cigarette. So the perfect cigarette would be, he had to open the pack the right way. The right song, Frank Black had to be playing, and he had to pull it out the right way. He had to smoke it to the perfect way, the right song Frank Black had to be playing, and he had to pull it out the right way. He had to smoke it to the perfect end of the song and throw it out, and he had rules. He was like, couldn't be in the state of Florida

when he had the perfect cigarette. So he had to drive to Georgia, and he did this every night at like three in the morning. He'd go try to find the perfect cigarette, and it was a ritual thing. He was in the car, he used to drink and drive a lot. He was in the car, he made me laugh harder than anything. He goes, he was driving down Tennessee Street

and he's going like 80 miles an hour. And he's like, you know, they say you're not supposed to drink and drive, because like, it's dangerous. He goes, I'd say 95% of the time, I'm okay to drive. I go, really? And he goes, but right now it's that 5%. Oh my God. God, I miss being young. I go really and he goes but right now is that five percent? I miss being young it's fun. How old are you 25?

He's 23. I'm 23. Yeah, I met you when you were underage. Yeah You've been underage most of your life yeah for 20 years. I was only underage for a little bit of my life. Yeah, just a little bit. Now you got all of this. You're 25? Yeah. You hate? No, I just feel bad that you had to go through all of that at 25. Oh no, brutal.

I think people forget I'm 25. Yeah. I'm still trying to figure it out. It's okay, it happens. When I was 25, Rolling Stone magazine called me the number one party animal in the country. I love that. That's really awesome.

Yeah, I wrote a six and a half page article about me. And yeah, that was when I was 25. And then I moved to New York at 25. Started standup kinda, but really started at 26. I'm so lucky that nothing, I'm so lucky I didn't have the internet. I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky for all that because like,

I don't know how you handle it. At your age to be famous. His whole life has been online since what you were 13. 13 years old so it's been like 10 years now but yeah I've the whole entire time I think the coolest article that has ever come out of it was when New York Times called me and the guys that we all had a house with the sway house they referred to us as the modern-day motley crew where was never lived down that title in my life where was the sway house that was in Bel Air.

For real? Yeah. Oh, you would have loved it. It was, took your shirt off and went in. Can I tell you, I was pitching content houses 20 years ago. 20 years ago, I was pitching, I pitched to Spike TV, I want a house where a bunch of comedians live

and we make, it will make it like, but they needed like arcs. I did a show, this is how crazy, how much the industry changed. I did a show called this is how crazy, how much the industry's changed. I did a show called Hurt Burt, where I took dangerous men's jobs for a day. And one day I was at Dominatrix camp, one day I fought a bull,

one day I swam with great white sharks out of the cage, I tamed lions, I fought a bear, I did everything. And the problem with the show, their note was it was too quick. They were like, I got, they, right now it's called, we call it a viral video. They unleashed a bull, it ran around the ring, and within eight seconds, it breaks my ribs,

breaks my foot, stomps me and goes off. And they're like, yeah, we don't see an arc to that. Like, why would anyone wanna watch just that? I mean, if I had been doing Hurt Bird, today? Ooh! It'd be dead. I just got, I fought a bear.

I was at Dominatrix camp and the lady they had me naked naked Strapped mistress Isabella by the way still hot still hot Susan, Alabama still hot and She put me naked strapped me into a chintuja stirrups into like a gynecological chair naked naked fully naked 10-pound weights on my balls. Oh I was in a logical chair, naked, naked. 10 pound weights on my balls. Oh, electric pobes on my balls, hot wax, whipped me, everything. I never even got to our safe word.

Here's where I got to our safe word. She takes me in latex, right? Like it's like a latex wrap. I don't remember exactly, but they hang you up like a Peking duck, right? Like you're dangling. And then they took latex, they had a tube in there, they took latex and they tightly wound my body.

So I was trapped, almost like it was like suctioned. And then she started putting lube coming out of the tube into my body and she was moving it with her hand. And as soon as it hit my dick, I went, marshmallow. That was a safe word? I was like, marshmallow is always my safe word. And she was like, hit my dick I went marshmallow. That was a safe word? I was like a marshmallow, it was always my safe word and she was like what? I was a marshmallow, because I was like,

I'm gonna blow a load right now. This is the hottest thing I've ever felt in my entire life. You liked it. I loved it, I loved it and then, you know what's crazy? Shout out to Mr. Shizabella, she said, let me give you some tapes, this is back when you had VHS, she goes, let me give you some tapes. I said, okay. She goes, I think I know what your thing is and I was like, alright

So she gave me some tapes and I was like god damn it like some of it turned out some of it was like Weird as shit like some of it what turns the guy on you don't get to pick your thing. It's whatever What did you like it? Um, so so the first time I realized I was straight Was watching Wonder Woman Okay, Wonder Woman Linda. My name is Daphne Scooby-Doo Interesting. Yep. I'll remember it forever. That's interesting Daphne Scooby-Doo. Yep We're not the hot one Daphne's the hot one. Okay Well, you picked the troll no Velma's one with glasses

You know orange scooby-doo purple dress. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she's the one with glasses. Daphne's the orange hair. Daphne's the Scooby-Doo. Purple dress. I was like, Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Daphne. She's not a real person. It's not like she's gonna hear this and go, ooh, I'm a troll. Even the person that does the voice is like, I'm kind of a troll voice.

Daphne. It's just annoying. Fred. Yeah. Scooby. Anyway, Wonder Woman. So she sent me stuff and it was like women in like, almost like Wonder Woman costumes.

Like, and I was just like, wow. It was just so, I was like, I'll tell you the one that really freaked me out that I didn't think I was gonna like, but you know, talking to that community, you guys are not, you're gonna. We're gonna look at you different. I'm nervous to even share it. Quicksand porn.

What? Can you demonstrate? I can. So it's a woman walking through the woods, right? Just a regular woman. And then, oh, what's this? Oh, oh. And then she starts singing.

She goes, maybe if I take my top off that'll get me no No, and then she thinks in quicksand and that's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. There's no no guy comes in No, no guy just she disappears It's it's like magic No, I didn't understand it. I didn't understand. there's a huge community of people that are into quicksand porn They're called sinkers. I'm gonna look this yeah, and there's and they have a site They have a site I think you to sinkers comm and it'll tell you places where's quicksand is located so if you want to shoot your quicksand porn and so

So what it was I didn't understand it and then I talked to I think I talked to I talked someone about it. You still talk to me. No,? No, no, no, I had her on my podcast. Yeah, she's funny. Her and my wife are a lot in common, but not that. But they're both from the South. They're both like kind of strong chicks. So here's the thing. So we didn't have pornography when I was a child.

Because we had like, it was just, I mean you had it, but we couldn't get a hell of a hold of it. So what would turn you on would be whatever you saw on TV that was adjacent. Seeing Wonder Woman get tied up, all of a sudden there's a connection. One of the biggest plot devices around, you can Google this and I'm going to be off by years, one of the biggest plot devices in the 60s in creating TV, which a lot of the reruns that I watched as a kid was quicksand as a plot device there was a movie called Lawrence of Arabia I'm gonna know I'm getting

this wrong Queen of the Jungle something type in first movie that used quicksand and it was it was like the hit movie and they had quicksand in it so what happened is every TV producer put quicksand in the movies because it was such a hit and so type in, type, by the way, I'd have to find it for you. But someone can get into this. So quicksand became a plot device in a lot of the movies. Any time a damsel was in distress,

she would get caught in quicksand. And there's a moment when a woman gets caught in quicksand that we would see as kids, that they definitely kept in these shows, where the breast would hit the quicksand. And you see the breast kind of raise up like almost like bustier and that's the shit that does it because that's all I saw as a kid was like women getting caught in quicksand.

It's like in the back of your brain. It's in the back of your brain. You see it and there's a part of you that goes like what the fuck and then you're like I'm starting my thing like I don't go do it but like I saw it and I went oh my god that's so crazy. You don't get to pick your thing like you don't get to pick you don't get to pick you know for whatever I mean I love Louis CK, but he didn't get to pick what turns them on right like you know It's his thing. Yeah, I mean you don't you don't pick it

It picks you like what's something that you didn't know that turned you on that turns you on Do you have any kinks or fetishes Do you have one? Do you have any kinks or fetishes? Kinks? I don't know. I'm not really into like anything maybe kinky more kinky like I like to be like Dominated but not I don't like like anything like fetish wise. Nothing. Yeah, there's nothing like special. At the risk of oversharing My wife and I were very meat and potatoes sexually for a long time. And then we went, when the movie was coming out,

we were doing, I was doing a press junket in Hollywood and I did a spot at the store and my wife was with me and we went to Saddle Ranch. Yeah. I fucking love Saddle Ranch. Yeah, yeah. Saddle Ranch rocks. Fucking Saddle Ranch rocks.

Best thing to do, if you're a dude, right now, go to Saddle Ranch on a Sunday afternoon, sit by the bull and any time a girl gets gets up on the bowl the guy's gonna give her instructions when he gets off and he goes to start the thing just yell quietly to her lean forward and they break noses like that it's so funny so maybe that was fun to do back before when you couldn't get in trouble anyway me and my buddy Eddie were not like good guys we used to you know our our big movement, we go to Saddle Ranch and we we look at a group of girls and go hang on,

we're gonna get you guys drinks. And we tell the water bring over bring them over pitcher water with a bunch of cups. And they put a bunch of water in my buddy. And I go stay hydrated. Buddy call me up one time. This is one of my favorite stories. I love a good story. It doesn't need to be hilarious, just a good story. We're gonna call him, I'm gonna have to call him a different name, because he's a real person.

And if I told you the, can you just bleep his name so I can tell you the name, because it's good. So I'm gonna tell you all the facts, and I know that this guy, okay. So I moved to New York I'm living in New York probably six months and and I get a phone call and it comes up a number it's not I know he's got our mattresses and that's how we got hookup on mattresses so I'm like what's crazy so I pick up the phone I go hello here's

the name go Bert I said yeah he goes is I said what's up buddy and he goes nothing hey man how's New the bird. I said, yeah, he goes, is it a bird? I said, what's up buddy? And he goes, nothing. Hey man, how's New York treating you? I said, pretty good. You having a good time with this comedy stuff? I said, yeah. He goes, hey man, you talked to any of them old boys we used to run with in college?

I said, no. He goes, like, for how long? I said, I haven't talked to anyone like probably three months, four months. He goes, all right. He goes, hey, do you remember that PyFi Heather, blonde hair, cute? I said, yeah. He goes, all right. He goes, Hey, do you remember that pie? Heather blonde hair? Cute? I said, yeah. He goes, last night, I'm at Ken's and she comes up and she

said, take me out back to your truck. I want you to fuck me. So I took her out. But I broke her off one. I took her every way I could. I fucked the shit out of her. I said, cool. I said, wait, aren't you engaged? He goes, yeah. I said, you're still engaged? He goes, yeah. Why are aren't you engaged? He goes yeah. I said you're still engaged? He goes yeah. Why are you telling me this? He goes well Bert, I had to tell somebody

and I know you don't talk to no more boys. Shit man it was good talking to you and you went over to the comedy, click and hung up. I went I've told so many people that story. And then so wait, I swear to God, I swear to God, Pete, swear to God, I tell that story at Rogan's Club, getting ready for my spot, I tell her at Rogan's Club, all the names in it, leave it, what are the chances?

That next Monday, who did I get an email from? Shut the fuck up. He goes, bleep his names, he goes, A**, his name, A**. And I went, yes, and he goes, he's coming to your show next week, I get rid of that joke. Oh my God gotta bleep those names I'll fucking ruin it we will we will

oh my god that's fucking awesome yeah what are the odds of that that was crazy I think that's when like you know when you go like oh man my deck's so small and then the phone's like do you need penis enhancements? I think that's the way the universe works I think so. Hey guys, quick commercial break. I'm definitely ill, as you can see, as you can tell. And I have so much to do today,

so I will be grabbing myself a Ghost Energy, but Ghost Energy did listen to you guys and they made the straw bangle flavor permanent. It's here to stay and it's amazing, it's great. All the flavors are amazing. It's 200 milligrams of natural caffeine, which is amazing. So it makes you focused, but it doesn't give you that jittery feeling.

Also the flavors, I don't understand. There's no artificial flavoring and there's no like added sugar. I don't understand because it tastes exactly like what it says. I ghost till I die, baby. Ghost is amazing. And now it's available nationwide at Circle K

and it's here to stay. So make sure to go try the permanent flavor, straw bingo. I need to go get myself a ghost energy and get my life together. Okay back to the show. Should we read one more of these scenarios? Yeah, wanna do one more? Oh shit, I forgot we were doing the game. No, no, no. That's okay. That's why we did it so that we could spark conversation. Maybe I should do that on my podcast. It's fun. And then it's just- I'm so much better as a guest than a host. You'll see tomorrow. Okay. Alright, we'll see how bad you are tomorrow. All right a girl is falsely accused of sexual assault without any evidence comes on your show with her

team of lawyers and the whole internet comes after you for giving her a platform to speak. Years later it turns out you were right about her not being guilty and the internet realized that the girl's career was ruined for no reason. This was drama. Was it? Her name is Sienna Mae. Sienna Mae? Sienna Mae. Sienna Mae? Sienna Mae Gomez. This all okay, so I'll break it down. There was this girl. She was like the biggest thing on the internet. She blew up. What she gained like 15 million followers in like a month, a month crazy.

Like the biggest thing she starts like kind of dating this guy, but they're doing it for content. They're both big. This guy's name is This is Sienna, so they blow up. They're like I have feelings for each other But it's like he's leading her on but she thought they were dating. There's a video of them Where she's like kissing him a little bit, but they kiss for a video so whatever he comes out writes this whole entire Like it ruined her said that she sexually assaulted him that she's crazy that she broke into his house That's like a 25 minute YouTube video 25 minute video and put adsense on it So he made like 200k off the YouTube as he sobbing saying she sexually assaulted me But then they make out on videos all the time like crazy. We never bought it

We had her on with Dave and she brought her whole legal team on, and then people tried to cancel us for having her on, and now it just came out that he was lying, and she never did anything wrong. That's crazy. Interesting. So I have definitely, yeah. I stay away from all the stuff, because I'm always the bad judge of character. Yeah.

Like, I'm always like, he's a good guy. Come on. You know, and so I just, I always like, because I don't, like, I got in trouble once for just speaking out. I just said something casually about someone and the internet, not only the internet, my friends came after me. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, like my friends were like, dude, what the fuck? By the way, not only the internet, my friends came after me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like my friends were like, dude, what the fuck? By the way, I still stand by what I said and it was like very casual, very casual. Actually, I don't know that because I don't know what I said. But I mean, it could have been rough, I don't know. But so then after that happened, I was like,

I'll never speak to anyone about anything, about anyone because I don't know and it does suck. It does suck when someone says something about you casually. So yeah, I don't know. That really sucks. I'm stuck on a girl sexually assaulting a guy. That's where I was stuck on it too when I heard the story at the start.

Because I go, let me see you try to do it to me. I've told strippers like hey stop Like I went to a strip club in South Africa one time and the girl goes would you like touch or no touch? And I was like who the fuck it's no touch And then I went in there and she was take your pants off. I was like what she was like, yeah I need to jerk you. I was like no no no, I want no touch As a matter of fact, I don't think I want any I love strip clubs. I'm pretty does on on Bourbon Street to strip club two days ago. They suck here. It was really It was I hate when it's sad. Okay. Can I tell you my favorite strip club in Burkina? No, I'm giving money

No, no, this is what you do. This is what you do. There's a move in in New Orleans. I Won't say the guy's name. I won't say the guy's name because he's a very big television producer. Like the biggest television producer ever. Like the biggest show on television, he did that. He hits me up. I've become friends with him. He took me to dinner one night and he was like,

yo, I'd love to take you to dinner. So we go to somewhere in Hollywood, Chateau Marmont, and we go to dinner and I was like, what is this about? And he was like, I wanna develop a sitcom with you. I was like, really? And he was like, my son's a huge fan of yours. He turned me on to your stuff and your podcast clips. Let's try to figure something out.

So we tried to work for something. Anyway, I come down to do the theater. This is a while ago theater here. And he hits me up. He's like, yo, my son's still down there. Can you take him out, like him and his friends, bring him out to the back, and take him out, have a good night, like take him to a strip club or something.

I was like, yeah, sure. So I go, I do the Joy Theater, I bring him and his son comes, his son's a strikingly attractive man, really good looking kid, like and his friends are all kind of studs, but they're like kind of quieter a little bit. So I was like, hey, what do you guys wanna do?

And they're like, I don't know, what do you wanna do? I go, why don't we go to strip club? So we went to a strip club right off Bourbon Street. You gotta go off Bourbon Street. Yeah, we were on. On sucks. It was crazy. Off is great.

So I go in with $3,000 and I go to the manager. I said, I need $3,000. I need $3,000 worth of chicks over to have fun with these boys. And they're like, okay. So I just go put the money on the table I was like, hey guys have a good time and I just sat off to the cut and I watched these like 20 year old boys like And then I want and then the best is I

Listen to this boy Pitch himself to a stripper about he was trying to he was gonna see if he could fix her to a stripper about he was gonna see if he could fix her. Oh my God, every single time. As someone who's done that when I was 18, to watch him, he's like, have you ever been to Malibu? I'm like, no. You know who it is? I was like, shut the fuck up.

I go spearfishing with Tommy Lee's son, we're close. No. I was like, don't do it, don't do it. That sucks, that sucks that, and being falsely accused of anything is ridiculous. It's terrible. It's terrific. Awful. But I enjoy being right.

I really liked this podcast. Now I know why Dave did it. I know, he could do it for her. It is kind of weird hanging out with children though. I know, but like, I feel like I'm middle ground, I'm 25. You're still a kid. I know, and Dave, how old are you? I don't know. Yeah. I'm 25 also. Yeah, I know. No, I'm 25. You're still a kid. I know, and Dave, how old are you? I don't know.

Yeah. I'm 25 also. Yeah, I know. I still feel weird hanging out with him. I'm 52. Oh, okay. How old is Dave? He's 63?

66, I thought, yeah. He's young, he's like 40 something, right? Yeah, I think he's like 48, 49. Oh, he's 49, he's 50. He's 50. You'd know if he was 50, he would've had a 50th birthday party for me. He hates birthdays.

Yeah, Dave's a real interesting dude. He is, yeah. Yeah, what does on Dave? I'm fascinated by him. Yeah, I actually actually yeah I met him. I actually was thinking about him walking down the street the other day because I was like I wish I wish I was More I'm going in pretty intensive therapy right now and and I I wish I wish I was like him and I could be outspoken and put my enemies names on champagne bottles. And I heard him go, fucking scumbag, you know when he says that? I was like, I wish I could be more like that.

I wish so bad, I physically can't do it. I can't, I'm a little bit of a coward, whereas if you'd wrong me, I don't say anything, but then I talk behind your back. Just trash you behind your back. Like it's bad Like it's bad. It's bad. I get teens.

You're like drama. We get a chat thread where it's just you. Just grrrr. But no, but I do find him fascinating. Like he's unabashedly wealthy. He doesn't mind talking about it. You know, I find him really fascinating. But one of the most fascinating things

that he did a podcast with you guys. Yeah. And I was like. For four years. It was a long time. It was a really long time. Yeah, for a really long time. Yeah.

It's really interesting. Yeah. I like him. I think I dare I say admire him for what he's built. I think Barstool is very fucking cool. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's not what I, you know, I had a decision

on whether or not I wanted to make something like Barstool. I had a couple decisions, even going towards Bar, going to Barstool, and I decided that I just like focusing on me. I just want everything to be on me. I couldn't do what Dave does. I'd be like, bust it with the boys, what? I'd be like, no, no, no, what about Dave?

That's the way I operate. Yeah, it's crazy, because he is the face of the company, essentially, but he has to watch what everyone does, and he has to take care of everyone, and then he does content himself Like where the fuck do you have time and then he's the businessman? I don't and he knows what's going like we had a podcast guest canceled today And he knew right away on their like text and the guy's girlfriend be like what the fuck's going on? What yeah, he was still like he does. Yeah, he does. He is so involved in everything. I feel like yeah, I like him

I like I admire Barstool. I think it's a really cool organization. And I'm a fan of Frank's. I think Frank's fucking fascinating. Oh yeah, 100%. You know I love Kevin. I took those guys to Amsterdam. I know, Flights was telling me some stories about Amsterdam. Hey, tell me you guys are down 24 hours

and I got a trip for you. That's creepy as fuck. I'm fucking down. We're about to get kidnapped. We're about to get kidnapped. My wife, my wife. No, I'm bringing Brianna. And her co-host who also looks hot.

Wait, we're down though. My daughters are gonna be like, wait, we're almost their age, dad. Why don't you take us? Get makeup. Yeah, no, you're too young. I wouldn't, I always talk to my wife. If my wife died, I wouldn't date young.

How old would you get? What, like 30? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You hate 30 year olds? No, no, I just, I need, I don't know. I'm not attracted to that anymore. It's like, it seems juvenile to me. It seems like I like what my juvenile to me. It seems

Like I like what my wife looks like I'd probably go for another menopausal chick. I like that I probably go I wish more men were like that. I go like I probably go 45 would be pretty solid I'd like to date a chick going through menopause. Oh fuck. Yeah, it's kind of like See you're like before and after cuz when Leanne went to when Leanne went into menopause Oh, this is a story. I was gonna tell you. Oh, so we went to Saddle Ranch. Yeah, Leanne was starting menopause Okay, when women start menopause, oh this is a story I was gonna tell you. So we went to Saddle Ranch and Leanne was starting menopause. And when women start menopause, it's like being on JV football, like they feel her, they're like yeah, let's fucking go. So we're at Saddle Ranch, we're having cocktails,

we had dinner and I went into the bathroom, she went into the bathroom and as she came out of the bathroom, a guy and a girl were walking into the girls bathroom at Saddle Ranch. My wife's like, what is they doing? I was like they're going into fuck and she was like what I said Yeah, they're going to have sex and she went a Saddle Ranch and I was like, yeah She goes dick. Can you believe that I go? Yeah, I totally can believe that I go babe Hey once we were young and we used to have fun like that. I didn't realize what I said She gets in the car. she has not had anything to drink.

She's sober, my wife barely ever drinks, but I've had a couple. And it is silent the whole ride over the hill, into the valley, pull into our house. Girls are still home by the way at this time. She pulls under our carport which she never pulls into. She goes, you know what, I'm not old. And I was like, no, I never said you're old.

She goes, you know, I can still be fun. And my wife gets totally naked and fucks me in the front seat of my car And from that moment on our life has been fucking peaches. Wait, that's fucking awesome yeah, and and so we are now we are having like we have we have had a almost like a rebirth of like I Was sounding creepy, but like, I never talked during sex. I never spoke during sex. My whole life I've never talked. Just a big grunter?

I mean, that's the fucking funniest thing. Or you were silent? Uh, uh, uh, uh. Like a tennis match? Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Yeah, we both grunt. Dude, that's the funniest part. It's just heavy breathing. No, I wasn't comfortable enough to talk ever.

I've never been comfortable enough to talk during sex, ever. I've never spoken to anyone during sex. And I think it's just because I'm, I don't know. And all of a sudden one day my wife goes, hey, you're talking during sex. And I went, what? She was like, yeah, you're actually talking. And I was like, I don't know. And all of a sudden one day my wife goes, hey, you're talking during sex. And I went, what?

She was like, yeah, you're actually talking. And I was like, I felt like, that's when I felt like, I said to her one time, I was like, thank you so much for allowing me to feel completely free. Like I feel so free with that woman that I can, I would never, I would never. One time I said to my wife, I was like, this one, we were at our old house.

I don't know why that's important in the story, but we were in our old house. It was a smaller house. Both girls were down the hallway. And I said, hey, like we just very meat and potatoes actually, and I said, hey, well I said, hey, do you want me to like tie you up? She was like, no, why?

And I was like, nevermind, okay, nevermind. Never gonna suggest anything again. I don't like this feeling., okay, nevermind. I'm never gonna suggest anything again. I don't like this feeling. And so I shut down. And so, and now we're at a place where it's like, I mean, like we made a joke. I said to someone the other day, and this is fucking so, this made me laugh so hard.

I go, my wife said we should have sex in every room in our house, now that no one's in there. And someone goes, even your daughter's room? And Leanne goes, well it's only awkward the first time. And I fucking laugh, and we haven't had sex in my daughter's room, we would never, there are cats in there, I'm not getting in those fucking beds.

But yeah, it's been, and I don't think I wanna go through that, I would never wanna go through that. Here's the thing, I gotta be honest with you, I doubt I'd remarry, and I definitely wouldn't remarry.. I would never wanna go through that. Here's the thing, I gotta be honest with you, I doubt I'd remarry. I definitely wouldn't remarry. And I'll tell you why. I don't wanna have to build the relationship. And I've been with this woman 22 years.

And I don't need to say anything and she understands it. I don't wanna have to fucking start over fresh. You'll never be able to rebuild 22 years again. No. I don't have 22 years left. No, no way. I don't wanna fucking start over with someone. I mean, she says things to me in shorthand

that I don't need, that need no explanation. Like, if she says, specialty cocktail, I know everything that that means. It means that we are going to get in the hot tub tonight, we're gonna get naked, we're gonna have drinks out of this one little Bartista thing we make, and then we're gonna end up in bed, we're gonna go watch Peaky, I know,

like just off of specialty cocktails. It's like boogily, I wouldn't want to build it all over again. Or start with a 25 year old where I'm like, so you quicksand? Have you heard of it? Well, hopefully she doesn't die and you don't have to start over. That's how this started, right? Yeah. Yeah, I think you'd probably first.

Yeah, she's one of the people shouldn't think like that. Hey guys, quick commercial break. Sick girls here. Look at me. I need to pick me up. I need something to lift me up. You know what? I can do that with?

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pair for everyone and especially the opt-in lifts. If you need a little pick-me-up, if you want to look taller, if your jeans are too long, throw on your Austin lifts and you can go to heydude.com and pick up a pair of Austin lifts right now. Okay, back to the show. We're in couples therapy right now, and this pissed her off more than anything. I said, I'm gonna go in as a character. And she goes, she got really upset. I told our therapist this yesterday,

we were in therapy yesterday. And I go, I'm gonna just go in as a subtle character that is just a little different than who I really am. And she goes, she got so pissed. She goes, you cannot do that. You have to go in and you have to make it work. So we go to our first couple therapy, right? And by the way, our relationship's fine.

We're doing it preemptively because the girls left. Life's weird. We work together. I'm home now for the first time in 22 years. I'm home all the time. So we're like, yo, let's get into therapy and just get in front of any problems that arise. So we go to our first couple's therapy and I'm a little quiet because I'm nervous about

therapy or whatever and Leanne loves therapy so she's talking and she's like, then this and that and then I said something like I'm very self-correcting and Leanne goes, hold on, no, that's not true, hold on and she interrupted me and the therapist kind of wrote it down in her book and then I said something again and Leanne stopped me and corrected me again and the lady wrote it down in her book and as I I said something again, and Leanne, she corrected, Leanne stopped me and corrected me again, and the lady wrote it down in her book. And as I went to speak, Leanne goes, hold on one second, and the therapist goes,

do you ever let him finish his sentences, or does he ever get to talk? Now mind you, you guys have said nothing this entire interview, okay? I talk non-fucking-stop. No one gets a word in with me, including my wife, and now I have a therapist who believes I'm a brow-beaten husband who doesn't get a voice.

And my wife, it was like, you ever seen Iris in Cross Up someone? And they're like, girl. She was like, no. And I watched her, we talked about this in therapy yesterday, I watched her see a false reality being created and she goes, oh no, oh no, no.

And we got out of that therapy, I was like, I fucking smoked you, I smoked you. I go, I won the first one, he goes, it's not a contest. I go, but if it was, I won. And then I won the second one, no, the second one was a tie. Third one, I fucking got destroyed. The third fucking therapy, I got fucking beat so bad. Do you know what a trauma state is?

Yeah. Okay, so like, okay. So say, I'll just put it, this will be easier to wrap it. So say, say you're reading comments about a post and someone's comments about your ex break up and says something very specific to something you always heard or felt as a child

and it puts you into a trauma state. Well I had something that's happened to me that put me into a trauma state and I didn't know where it was from. And Leanne knew and the therapist knew and I didn't know. It was my relationship with my dad and I was like, huh?

And I just, I shut down and then I remember my therapist goes, do you wanna cry? And I went, I don't fucking cry about that. And I was like, bad, I got smoked. And then I fucking, and then I remember my therapist goes, do you want to cry? And I went, I don't fucking cry about that. And I was like, bad, I got smoked. And then I fucking, and then I had to do a podcast with Travis goddamn Barker five minutes after. And I looked at my wife and the therapist, I was like, real fucking cool guys, real cool.

And then Leanne goes, hey, I just want you to know about therapy, I fucking won. And I was like, bitch. Yeah. That's good though, you found out something that you needed to find out. And I was like, bitch. Yeah. That's good though. You found out something that you needed to find out. No, it's not good. Why?

It's like someone going like, oh, I have anxiety. Can you help me? And they're like, yeah, you have anxiety and you're also gay. And you're like, oh shit, now I got two problems. I just had one problem and now I have two fucking problems. You're gonna find out more problems about yourself. Yeah, and I was like, it sucked, it sucked.

And then everything shows up, and then it's like everything shows up. And it's like, you get this one issue and you identify it, and then all of a sudden you start seeing it all over the place, and you're like, oh fuck, I'm broken. And I didn't realize I was doing this all the time, and oh my god, what the fuck. And you analyze everything you've ever done ever,

and every decision you've ever made. And then one time you're out of fucking Grateful Dead tribute concert last week and you're hit your vape pen and then it happens at the table and you're like, oh my god What the fuck I need to cry. Oh, I don't want to cry about it, but I just angers me It's like frustrating you can like feel it balling up. Yeah. Yeah, and then and then yeah But yesterday's therapy was really good because we talked about it and then we realized really fucked up so Leanne can put me into my trauma state sometimes but what's worse is I found out yesterday

I put her in her trauma state. Oh, I was like And I was like wait, hold on. Am I doing something bad too? And Leanne's like, oh shit our therapist like this is really good and I was like, wait, hold on. Am I doing something bad too? And Leanne's like, oh shit. And our therapist is like, this is really good. And I was like, oh fuck, so yeah. So it's kind of good, it's healthy to work out. Barriers.

I love that your audience is like, I'm so sorry. Am I listening to a 50 year old alcoholic talk about his couples therapy with his menopausal wife? Guys, I wanna know what's going on with Dochi. What's going on with Dochi? I think people will love it, honestly. This is a great episode. But tell us a little bit about the new special coming out

before we wrap up. Yeah, it's, you know, I think it's, I don't know, I've done a few. So this is my fourth at Netflix. I have six total, I think. And so, yeah, and this one is okay two things. I noticed that I was looking at all my specials if you look at all my thumbnails they're all kind of identical. It's me with jeans and no shirt and I was

like yo I gotta like I gotta spice it up. So I... You did George this time? No pants? No no no no no. It's a beautiful outfit. Okay. That I had custom made. Oh. I had three of them made. And it, I think, is very snazzy. Oh, okay.

It's very snazzy. It's snazzy. Yeah, and so, and so, that's for one. So it'll look different than the other ones. But secondly, I worked harder and longer on this one than the other ones. And not saying that, that's kind of inaccurate,

but like, so I did like probably the biggest tour of my life over the last two years. And just a legit world tour, but in arenas. And I found that in arenas, you're playing to the cameras, you're playing to the big screens, people just watch the screens and don't look at you. Unless you're in the front row, and sometimes in the front big screens, people just watch the screens, they don't look at you. Unless you're in the front row, and sometimes in the front row,

they're just looking at the screen like this. So what I noticed was that in these shows where I was in theaters and larger movements were working, what I was noticing in these arenas is that the smaller movements were working better for the screen. So I think this will be my best Netflix special because I've been playing to a screen this whole time,

which is exactly what you do in a Netflix special. Secondly, so I form my specials differently, and for whatever, I heard a long time ago, when I did my first Secret Time, they brought me in and they're like, yo, your rate of retention was like the highest we've ever had. It was a huge number watching,

but your rate of retention was like, like 95% of the people that started it finished it. And I was like, really? And they're like, that's unheard of. And so, but I did that on purpose. What I realized, I was talking to Chris D'Elia and he said that no one watched his closer. And he was like, yeah, they only watched 30 minutes.

And I heard that and I went, well, then I'll put my closer at 22 minutes. So I took my closer for that special at 22 minutes and put it there. And then what that did in effect was, people got to where they would turn it off, but they just heard the best joke I had, and they're like, fuck, let's watch the whole thing.

So, and then this one, I'd even argue, Chappelle kind of broke the code. He put Kicker in the Pussy as his first joke. And I just was like, bro. Like, Anthony Jeselnik did that too. He did the, did he call you a cunt joke? Have you ever heard that? He goes, oh, that's such a good joke.

I'm not gonna do it, fuck it, I don't care. Anthony will tell it, he says, we're gonna watch this special, that's what I should do. Go watch Anthony's special, one of them, and the best joke is right up, it's a first joke. So I made my first four minutes just as tight and hard as I could. And so the first four minutes hopefully gets you

so excited that you keep watching at least up to 22 minutes where I have one of my closers and then I took a closer that I had that I would just fuck around with and I couldn't do all the time because it was very emotional and it would get me emotional and sometimes I'd cry. So I couldn't do it all the time. But I told it one time and like dudes were coming up and they were like, bro, I was sobbing, crying and like in the best way. It's a story about my dog passing away.

Oh, I get emotional talking about it. But and so I closed on it, but I couldn't do it all the time because it would make me emotional and I wouldn't deal with it all the time. So what I did is on this special is like, I just go, you know, I'll try it, but I couldn't do it all the time because it would make me emotional and I wouldn't deal with it all the time. So what I did is on this special, it's like, I just go, you know, I'll try it, because I did six shows, I'll try it on one of the shows, see if it works. And if it works, we got it.

And it worked and we got it. And I told another story that I didn't expect to tell, like randomly, about Snoop. And so yeah, so I think this special is gonna be pretty fucking awesome. It sounds awesome. And I call it lucky because I'm the luckiest man in the world and this is how much I believe in luck.

I travel with... A grenade. I travel with pennies everywhere. Everywhere you go, pennies? And I drop them all over the place so that people find a penny and go hey. That's sweet. Good luck.

Yeah. Nice. And they're cursed. I haven't seen those since I've been at my grandparents house. I know. Little like rolls of money. I have a ton of these.

So I drop them all over the city. I just drop them everywhere. The first day I got them, everyone in our office is like, hey, bird, did you put a penny in front of my car? I'm like, yes, did you get it? But it's really great. If I see a penny, like my thing, I have OCDs and one of my OCDs is, if I see a penny,

it's gonna be awesome. If I spit on a crack, it's gonna be awesome. If I spit on a crack, everything's great. Everything's peaches. And so I'm like, and so on my, when I shot Hey Big Boy, or maybe Hey Big Boy, I think, it was Hey Big Boy, I got out of the, I got out of, I shot in Cleveland, I got out of the car,

and I was nervous, I was really nervous for that one, because I shot four, but the first two, I had mustard on my jeans on one. I was like, what the fuck? And so I got out of the car and there was a penny right outside where we parked, where I got when I got out of the car. It's the first thing I saw.

I was like, that's gonna be fucking awesome. I was like, that's great. And I did it. I murdered, I murdered. And then that night we're partying after and I'm like, dude, and I go, you know how I knew it was gonna be a good show? And my cousin Andrew goes, you found a penny, didn't you? I went, I did. Did you see that? go you know how I knew it was gonna be a good show and my cousin Andrew goes you found a penny didn't you I did did you see

that he goes I put it there that's awesome he's like I was putting pennies everywhere hoping you see them I was like nice nice I believe in luck I'm the luckiest fucking guy in the world I am the luckiest I'm the luckiest guy think about this ready I'm the luckiest guy it's college for seven six and a half years mm-hmm Rolling Stone discovers me calls me the numberiest. I'm the luckiest guy. Think about this. Ready? I'm the luckiest guy. It's college for seven, six and a half years. Rolling Stone discovers me, calls me the number one party animal in the country. Oliver Stone options rise to my life. I moved to New York. Within six months of doing New York, Will Smith happens to, his team happens to see me do stand-up. I get a six-figure deal. I move out to Hollywood. I then get another six-figure deal. I get a TV show. I get a

show called Hurt Burt. I then lose it all, meet the perfect woman I could ever meet when I have nothing. She's only there for me that I make it all back again on Travel Channel. I keep working. I randomly tell a story about getting involved with the Russian mafia on my buddy Joe's podcast who happens to become the biggest podcaster in the fucking world. I make a movie out of that one story. You wanna know luck? So I tell them about Russian, this is luck. I tell the Russian mafia story on Joe's podcast.

He tells me you gotta start telling that on stage. I start telling him on stage, and then finally I do the machine special for H, or Showtime, no one watches it, no one watches it. So I post, on December 27th, I post that Russian mafia story on my Facebook. At the second I post it, I post, on December 27th, I post that Russian mafia story on my Facebook. At the second I post it, I post it, and a woman in Minnesota happens to be unpacking her iPad

and uploading Facebook to her iPad, and the first thing that comes up on her Facebook is that Russian mafia story. That woman then writes as one of the first comments that you will see when you see that video, this story is a hundred percent true I was in Russia with Bert. He fucking robbed us That story then goes viral because that one goddamn comment

And tomorrow I'm gonna bench 320 pounds for a bus with the boys. Yeah, and that's Burt Kreischer, bitch. That's great! That's a good ending. I'll see you guys tomorrow. See you tomorrow!