Blank Check with Griffin & David - Best of the Phantom Podcast

Episode Date: January 2, 2017

Presenting a best of episode with all the favorite moments from our mini series on Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace.

Welcome to Blank Check with Griffin and David. I'm producer Ben Hosley, and today we are proud to present our first in a series of best of episodes from our days covering the Star Wars prequels. Now, normally, this is a podcast about directors, right? We look at filmmakers who had a massive success early on, and they got a series of blank checks to make their own crazy passion projects. Sometimes, you know, those checks clear, and, well, other times, they bounce, baby. But the early days of this show were somewhat different. In the beginning, Griffin and David set out to record a podcast

week in and week out only about the Phantom Menace. Now, some of you listeners might not be aware, but this podcast was actually once called Griffith and David Present. And for almost a year, 30 plus episodes, Griffith and David talked about nothing but the Phantom Menace, then Attack of the Clones, and finally Revenge of the Sith. And while Blank Check prides itself in being a no-bits podcast, pro-Smits, no-bits,

during these three miniseries, the overall bit was that Griffin and David were only aware of Episode I as a standalone film and then would discover the subsequent sequels at the end of each miniseries run. All right, that should be enough setup. So without any further ado, here is the best of each miniseries run. All right, that should be enough setup. So without any further ado, here is the best of the Phantom podcast.

Are we here to praise Phantom Menace? Absolutely not. No. We're here to investigate. We're here to investigate. We're here to investigate. We want to figure out what it's about because it's a weird, weird movie.

Taken on its own, it's a weird movie. Well, that's exactly it. We want to take this movie on its own terms. This is our key point. This is where we are changing the game. This is a piece of cinema that came out in 1999, the most profitable, successful film of the year, most talked about movie of the year.

Everybody thinks about it in the terms you're describing. It's the hinge on which this whole franchise kind of fell apart. It's so disappointing in comparison to the original films. Right. Forget the original films. We're not going to talk about them. Forget the following film. Mm-hmm. Forget the cartoons. Yep. Forget, I don't know, the holiday special. All of it. All of it.

Just take it, put it in the garbage, and just leave The Phantom Menace. This introduction, this long winded introduction that you've been listening to. I think it's very short. The last time you will hear us talk about the original films or the ensuing prequels or the upcoming Disney-produced Star Wars films. We're not talking about any of that ever again on this podcast. Nope.

God, this guy looks like he's going to be the breakout star of the film. This is the one who's most visually appealing to me on the shelf. Watto. Oh, boy. Had to buy Watto. I went, this guy is going to be fun. He's distinctive. We'll get to Watto.

We'll get to Watto. He looked cool. That's going to be a two-parter. We're going to do two episodes just about Watto. I think that might be another spinoff, actually. Just Watto you talking about. So you got yourself Anakin. You got yourself Watto.

Okay, I had the budget for probably four or five more characters. Oh. And I can't do it. Because I need to get a ComTech communicator. I don't know what that is. I do not know what you're talking about. A technological breakthrough at the time. The Phantom Menace wanted to have your characters talk.

Okay. It's the first time ever Star Wars characters come to life, they talk to you. Sure. The first time ever, Phantom Menace won film into the franchise. Maybe it's a franchise, maybe it isn't. I don't know.

You're getting onto rough territory. But the figures are so small. I don't know if you remember this. They're small figures. Sure. They're like three quarter inch. Yeah, he's holding his fingers apart. Little penis-sized figures, right?

Yeah. I don't know about you. Little penis. Yeah, little penis. Yeah. Not saying like our penis. No, no, no. A little penis.

Think of a little penis, and that's about how big the action figures were. Yeah. Couldn't fit the technology inside them to make them talk. So each figure came with like a little microchip. Okay. In plastic casing. And I see, and you had to buy a separate thing to make those microchips make noise. Right. It looked like a dog tag,

translucent plastic, it had a little picture of the character on it, get the chip, then they had the ComTech communicator, which looked like the thing that Qui-Gon uses later in the film to radio the Jedi. It's like a space phone. It goes... Right? Great, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right?

Great dialogue. So it looked like a much bigger version of that. Yeah. And you'd get one of your chips and you'd swipe it across and the sensor would just play the sound. So sort of teaching kids to use their credit cards when they grow up. Right. That cost about $35.

$35. Oh, my God. And so you bought that. Bought that. Wait, how did we get on this? How did you get, or is this just. Because I want to say at this point in the film, you're asking what new gun right. Yeah.

What does he have? Yeah. He doesn't really have anything. At this point in the film, the characters didn't come with that many accessories because they, the Comtech ship, kids are crazy about these Comtech ships. That's, that's definitely why I know what those are. Yeah. Kids are crazy about them.

Yeah. They had a little hole in them. Their legacy endured. They suggest that you'd wear them around your neck. They came with a little the contact communicator came with a little beaded chain. It's like, oh, where's the bracelet? Put it on your backpack. Kids are gonna be trading contact chips like crazy. Like crazy. Like crazy.

You're the queen. Deal with it directly. Talk to them. Just go, hey, guys, cut it out. You are an elected 14-year-old queen of a planet. Yeah. You maybe know how to deal with a couple of nemodians and their donut ship. You didn't get that job by accident. You got it for a reason. According to Wikipedia, she brought down an unfortunate king that nobody liked.

She was the leader of a political revolution in this planet. And she was like eight. Yeah, when she was a child. Maybe eight. And then she's elected queen. Yeah. Which is maybe president. I don't know. political revolution in this planet and she was like eight yeah when she was a child eight and then she's elected queen yeah which is me you know yeah maybe president i don't know senator or something i don't know um and and she you know the minute she's elected queen they're like hey do you like to have one giant u-shaped braid around your head she said yes please and she was

like yeah and it's gonna be the thickness of a human arm and they're like yeah she was like lay it on me this is that is how I want to do all negotiating. Here's the Queen Amidala story. I want my head to literally be just being pulled back at all times by this giant braid. There's a reason she's sitting in a chair, and that chair's got a back. Oh, that chair has a reinforced back. She's not sitting on a stool. She's not standing up.

She can't. She's probably 90 pounds, and then you add the clothes, and she is 800 pounds. If even 90 pounds. Yeah. She's light as a feather. Queen Amandala. She's a young woman. She's not a fully grown woman.

She's a girl. I'd say she's a girl. Yeah. Not yet a woman. Not yet a woman. Queen Amandala's story, in a nutshell, is she is born. Yep. She learns how to poopy in a toilet like a big girl.

Yep. She learns how to poopy in a toilet like a big girl. Then she leads a revolution and gets elected queen. Right. Those are all of her major life events. Yeah. She's so young, she hasn't lived through anything else. No, I mean, we don't even know how experienced she is in the ways of the world.

She knows how to poopoo in a toilet. That is true. Other than that, she might not even know how to read or write. Barely had time. We don't see her do it. Barely had time. I was trying to figure out her age. They use their own year system.

Of course, it's a BBY. BBY. I don't know. I can't even do the math because I don't understand. She was born 46 BBY. And she was elected. She was elected 46 BBY, and she was elected. She was elected 33 BBY. So she was 13 years old. Okay, but this movie is probably, it's somewhere, she could be 13, 14 years old.

14. Let's say she's 14. Fine. A Portman's dozen. Yeah, exactly. A Portman's dozen. Yes. Perfect.

Nice big bag of bagels. So she's a freshman in high school. That's right. That's right. Well, she would have been, but she had to drop out to be the democratically elected queen of a planet. So we're talking about Naboo, though. And Naboo as a planet, its status is it's the most gorgeous place in the world, right?

Yeah. It all looks like one expensive retreat in Tuscany. Exactly. It's like a rehab clinic. Yeah. It's like the whole planet was marble. It's promises. And then some people were born.

Yeah. It's promises, right. Yeah. And the people were born and they just carved buildings out of the marble. But the whole planet is marble and trees and waterfalls. Yeah. That's like what you see. It's gorgeous.

And everyone's fashion game is on point. Everyone is wearing eight costumes at once. Yeah. Like, I swear to God. Yeah. It's crazy the clothes they wear. And it's great. I like that. And no one ever says what I love also is that no one ever says like Qui-Gon. I feel like

almost any other movie would have some tossed off line where Obi-Wan is like, she's wearing the fucking craziest dress I ever saw. Right? Some snarky line might be tossed in if this were a Marvel movie. But no one says like, hey, lady, why are you wearing all that? You need to walk around right now. Well, I think this is a dangerous path because we talk about this too much.

We could get into very hacky 90s Comedy Central make me laugh style routines about Padme's outfit. This sounds great. Let's do 20 minutes of that. But it also is like- No, I love her outfit. Oh, me too. I love the costume. Love the makeup.

But thinking about them practically, right? Yeah. Most countries in which the royalty or the appointed elected officials have some sort of uniform. This is the royal garb that you wear. It is just that. It is one uniform. Yeah, and you wear it on special occasions, like once a year maybe or when you're being crowned, that kind of stuff. The Queen of England doesn't walk around in her frigging crown jewels.

And there is a decorum for how she's going to dress on a daily basis. Sure, yeah. There's a decorum for how she's going to dress at a royal ball or whatever it is. Yeah, wear nice clothes. But nothing crazy. It's just like every fucking week, every fucking day, she's got to put on a whole different crazy thing. And it's not just a very complicated dress. It's the accoutrements, it's the hair, it's the makeup.

And let's not forget, her planet is being blockaded. Yeah. Her people are dying., her planet is being blockaded. Yeah. Her people are dying. She says it over and over again. Armadala, the meeting is beginning any minute now. Oh, let me put a cubic ton of hair on, like around my head. How long do you think that's going to take? Is it a wig or is it?

I don't even know what it is. It's literally like some sort of like giant large hadron collider of hair that's just arced around my face. It just looks like she's spending like three hours in the hair and makeup truck every morning before they have to meet. I would legitimately love to ask Natalie Portman what it was like to wear those costumes because they are so incredible and I'm sure she has sort of a fond memory of looking like that. She's 14.

She got to dress up. Got paid money. But it must have been really crazy to walk around in that stuff. I think she probably couldn't very well. Yeah. She's sitting in chairs a lot. A lot of sitting. Yeah.

Big chairs. A lot of leaning. Like, you know, huge chairs. Big fucking chairs. So let's, all right, let's delve into this. But the logic of the film, either she is taking hours to prepare for each meeting in which case she is delaying every meeting. Sure, or maybe she just doesn't sleep.

Her citizens are dying. Maybe Nubians don't sleep. Okay, or she doesn't sleep in which case you're telling me we've got a government official you're telling me we have someone running this entire planet and they're operating on what four or five hours of sleep at best? She has to cut into her sleep? She is a kid though. Maybe that's it.

So her hair can look tight? A 14 year old can take a lot of no sleep. When I was cut into her sleep. She is a kid though. Maybe that's it. So her hair can look tight? You know, because like a 14 year old can take a lot of no sleep. When I was 14, I would sleep like 4 hours and I'd be running around. You know, maybe that's the reason. It depends when puberty kicks in. I will say Natalie Portman, you know, a spelt her. The actress was older than 14. Natalie Portman was older. I don't know about that.

Maybe not actually. Look, the movie was 16 years ago. Natalie Portman's probably 30, right? Yeah, something like that. I think she was like 14, 15. She might have been, yeah. I just want to also point out they steal Spaceball's joke. They do? They do.

What's the Spaceball's joke? And tell me if I'm wrong. No, sure. But at one point when they're discussing the hyperdrive, the equipment, they mention the fact, yeah, well, we've got a bunch of the queens clothes. Oh that's true. They do say that. They steal a joke from Spaceballs. And I'll say actually you know now that you point out

there is that scene during the Duel of Fates that moment during the Duel of Fates fight when they cut Darth Maul's lightsaber in half and then his penis turns into another lightsaber. That also felt like it was stolen from Spaceballs. Is when his pee-pee turns

into a laser sword. I was outraged when I saw that one in particular. It's just blatant theft. It's worth noting that they're like, geez we got a bunch of our fucking clothes. We managed to smuggle those on this ship somehow. Why are they bringing their clothes? It was a last second escape.

No one else in this movie ever changes their clothes. It wasn't a planned escape. They were just walking. We don't see those trunks. No. The Jedi's attack, they were just like, quick, what ship can we get on? We gotta get out of here right now because it's infested with droids. Just one second.

She has eight wheelie bags that she gets on there. Maybe it's just every royal ship just has a bunch of clothes preloaded in case she needs to make several costume changes during a space flight. Maybe because they all have those big flowing robes with those hoods and you can't even see their arms. They just sort of look like little teepees. Right. Maybe underneath each of them is constantly carrying two trunks worth of clothes. Sashay.

Verite. Verite. Verite. That's not one of them, is it? I don't know. Anything can be a name. All right. Padme. Tazonday.

Padme. Tazonday. Who's this Yoda? I call him Yoda. I don't even remember his fucking name. This guy does not stick in my mind. This is not a well-defined or memorable character. He's a CG creation in the Blu-ray that I watched.

Yes. He's, I don't know, what, three feet tall? He's like a green guy with alien ears and sort of hair, like gray hair. He's like a little guy. He talks like in this sort of- This weird Sultan speak, I can't get the hang of. Yeah, this sort of phonetic nonsense. Yeah.

And he's kind of the- There's two bosses, it seems. Yeah. Like there's two main guys in the Jedi Council. You got Yoda and you got Samuel L. Jackson. An excellent actor. Academy Award nominated actor.

Surprised he took such a small role. A few lines as a bald Jedi knight called Mace Windu. Maybe he was old friends with Lucas or something. Who knows. He seemed very interested in being the project. That's all I know. Yeah, I don't know why. It couldn't have paid that much. Now there's another

creature on the Jedi Hot Council. Performed by a puppet. Named of Yaddle. Looks great! The proof is in the pudding right there. There's a puppet right next to you. Just do it as a puppet. You got a puppet. You got a puppet. You can't just give the lady puppet the lines, maybe? Who cares about Yoda? You have the great Frank Oz.

He has played women puppets before. He played Miss Piggy, for goodness sake. Just get him over to the other side of the set. Stick his arm up Yaddle's butt. We know the hole is there because they're already pooping in the chair. Just stick the arm up the chair's poop hole. This is a real insight into behind-the-scenes Hollywood filmmaking right now. Yaddle.

Yaddle. Female Yoda. Right. right species yoda's species so queer me and they came with a full name but there's still no is is there's still no there's no speaking like yoda now there's still no is name for species there is not why is that species mysterious i don't understand i don't know. I don't know. Okay. I don't know. Yoda's species, okay? Now, Yaddle, also known as the one below. I heard that. I went, does that mean she's one step below Yoda?

Does that mean a woman is one step below a man? That sounds very regressive. But Lucas has shown nothing but regressive views towards... Towards all creeds and colors. They're not his own. Everyone. He just loves othering other people. He does.

It's a very othering movie. Okay, so that's what I thought. But then I went into this. Yaddle, let me find this whole fucking entry here. Okay. There's a whole prologue I don't need to get into, right? But then as part of a raid, as part of a mission, Yaddle was captured and imprisoned in a chamber deep beneath the ground by Tulak and subjected to various forms of torture. However, the green-skinned Padawan did not give in to Tulak's torture.

Yaddle was still a Padawan at this point. Which is an apprentice Jedi we've established. Refusing to tell him. That's what Obi-Wan is, yes. Yes, refusing to tell him when the next Jedi would arrive to challenge the brutal Adavaz warlord after many interrogations. Yaddle simply replied that Turok's reign of terror would end. Tulak, furious that Yaddle was not buckling her to torture, decided to keep Yaddle as a hostage even though she would not submit to question. What are you getting at here?

This is so fucking long. Yeah. Rather than keeping his captive, I'm jumping around. Tulak cruelly imprisoned Yaddle for life in her underground pit in case she ever became used as a hostage in the future. Yaddle was imprisoned for a hundred years. Wow. Yeah, here we go.

Here we go. Yaddle stayed in solitary confinement in her underground prison for over a century, and her only source of provisions were the wardens who sent down baskets of fruit and vegetables for a time. However, as supplies on Coba ran low, the warden became so preoccupied with their own survival that they slowly forgot about the one below. Wow.

Yaddle's existence became the stuff of legend, though a few pitiful beings continued to send food down the shaft to sort of ritual. Yaddle relied on the Force for survival. Okay, so, just again, why is this not the main character of the whole movie? That was my point. Yeah. That's my point. Who is this Yoda

motherfucker? Who cares? Oh, he got a high score on the blood test. Like, I don't care. Yeah. I don't want someone with some pathos. Has nary a line in this film. Not a line. Not a species. Nope. Not a... That's all species. Nope. Not a...

That's all I got. I mean, patriarchy in full effect here. Yeah, absolutely. The one below. Now, we've been trying to say, maybe George Lucas is trying to make a point. Maybe that's, maybe there's a whole grand allegory going on here. I mean, look, John McCain

spent, what, five years as POW? Sure, and we salute his service. But we didn't elect him. He got close, but we didn't elect him. Not my president. Yaddle. Over a century down below, Jedi House Counsel,

not the master. Do you think maybe everyone else is like, well, she only got on the council because of the whole, you know, one below thing. You know, like, she's actually not that great, but they're like, well, you know, we all feel a little bad for Yaddle. After the whole, she was in prison for a hundred years with no food thing.

No joke. When Yaddle returned to the Jedi Temple and Coruscant, the Jedi Council determined that she achieved enough unity with the force. Oh, yeah, you think so? Oh, yeah, they were like, oh, yeah, it appears this all checks out. They were looking at their little checklist. Yay! I mean, you didn't actually give us a carbon of your W2, but we're going to let that slide.

Reminder, for 100 years, the last 90 of which, they forgot to give you food. And they're just sitting in their chairs the whole time. You were imprisoned and using the force to survive. She somehow found a way to turn the force into nourishment. Yeah, the force, which seems to be mostly a way to trick people and knock them onto their butts. Okay, so since she had achieved unity with the force, they decided that she

did not need any additional training. Oh, good. Oh, thank you. Oh, phew. We were gonna have you run this gauntlet, this hurdle course, but you know what? You know what? Here's a chair. We got a chair. Yaddle, you missed a couple-

Let's just hook it up to the sewage system. One second. You missed a couple of classes, Yaddle, so we don't know if we can pass you. Yeah, you've gotten incomplete in AP Biology, but- Unfortunately, you can't just start up that class again because all of your teachers died in the century. Yeah, also, none of us know who you are. Yeah, none of us have any frame of reference.

The council proposed that Yaddle be elevated to the position of Jedi Master and offered a seat on the Jedi Council, even though she was still a Padawan. So I'm absolutely right. It was a total sympathy seat. Master Yoda, feeling that it was too strong a deviance from the typical Jedi code in Jedi training, was the only council member against Yaddle's elevation.

What? This guy. Well, you know what he was saying. He was like, look, I am the one representative of Yoda's species. Of Yoda's species. Which I named. Maybe you've heard of me. I'm the guy. We used to be called something else, but now we're called Yoda's species. However, after examining her story and through a quick glimpse into her future, Yoda backed

down, allowed Yaddle to join the ranks of the Jedi Council. This is like Gone Girl. You know? He's like subjecting her to this terrible, she's like still on the hospital bed malnourished. And he's like, were you really in prison for a hundred years? Key detail. However, through examining her story, not enough,

and through a quick glimpse into her future, not only did Yoda think she had served her time, a little glimpse, down below, he had to take a little glimpse in the future and go, Let's take a peek. And he's like, are we married? What? We're not?

Oh, yeah, right. Jedis aren't allowed to get married. Forget it. Yaddle is not the main character. That's crazy. This should be called the Yaddle. The epic saga of Yaddle. The Yaddle Mass.

Yaddle Wars. If you want to start a franchise off on a good foot, right? Because as we say, Georgie boy, too steeped in the mythology. Georgie porch. Right. Not giving us just a good story. Because episode one, you want to launch off with some great characters that we all love, get us on board emotionally, and then you can flesh out the world.

Instead, it's like, oh, here's this kid. Eh, the end. Like, loose end, loose end, loose end. Yeah. Episode one should all take place in the pit. Yeah, it should just be episode one, colon, the pit. The one below. The one below.

Star Wars, episode one. Yaddle, episode one, the love below. What if it was called Star Wars, episode one, colon, below? Star Wars, episode the one below. Star Wars episode the one below. This kid's got off the charts midichlorians. Qui-Gon thinks he might be able

to bring balance and no one's noticed it until now. You're telling me they're going all around the galaxy trying to find all these different they find people of all creeds, colors, sexual orientations,

socioeconomic backgrounds. And then you just shut it all down. From the moment they're born and go, we're taking your kid, we're making him a creepy, He's going to wear brown clothes. Dickless Jedi asshole. Yep. His job will be sitting in a poop chair in the tallest tower in Garza. I forgot we established that they're toilet chairs.

They're just pooping constantly in those chairs. Because they never stand up from the chairs. All we see Qui-Gon do throughout the movie Is brainwash people And murder people That is all that he does He does this hand wave thing He tries to convince people of other things

Oh and messes with a chance cube Is nothing sacred? Yeah exactly If you can't trust a chance cube How are you going to get any bets done? That's how we're supposed to make these decisions that are too big for mere mortals. What if it's a thing where you want to roll a 50-50 chance of something happening? You know, there's only one way to do it.

It would be a six-sided die in which three are colored blue and three are colored red. And then if blue comes up or red comes up, then you know who's won. That's the only way to figure this out. That's the only way to decide a 50-50 chance. What are you going to do instead? Pick something with two sides on it and flip it? I don't understand what you're talking about.

How would that work? No. You need a six-sided chance cube. Yeah, a chance cube. A chance cube. You know, the simplest form on Earth is a perfectly even sanded cube. Yeah. And those are so easy to create.

Yeah. And impossible to mess with. Yeah. You can't create a loaded one. Oh, well, actually, you can. You can't create a loaded one. You can't mess with them with the force of will. Actually, you can.

But still, you know. Other than that, it's a perfect form of decision making. All good flying Jews have them in the Star Wars universe. Exactly. I'm sorry, in the Phantom Menace universe. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm saying the Phantom. No, no, I know what you're talking about.

I know it's the Star Wars universe, but since we only got this one film, why call it the Star Wars universe? It's the Phantom Menace universe. The Phantom Menaceverse. I think there was another name you wanted to tell me. There was one name in particular. Oh, there is. You seem very interested in.

This is a pre-show. Addie Gallia, Evan Peele, but this is the one I really want to tell me. There was one name in particular you seemed very interested in. This is a pre-show Adi Gallia, Evan Peel, but this is the one I really want to tell you. Cephal Diaz, this is the one I really want to tell you. So this is the guy with the very long neck and then a head right at the sort of, he's got a bit of a Jedi Temple head to him. Yes. Or Jedi Council head. Maybe they modeled it after him. Yeah. He looks like

a Q-tip. He has some of the most expressive character animation I've ever seen because of course if a character has a really long neck it means their neck is constantly going to be moving. So in the background of every shot his neck is just wiggling. Just wiggling, right? His head is staying still and the neck is wiggling

while the head stays in position. And his name is I genuinely don't know what his name is. Yariel Poof. Y-A-R-A-E-L Not a bad first name. Poof.

Now, David. Yeah. We're good friends. We are. We've known each other a long time. One of the things I know about you is that you spent your adolescent years living in London, England. In the United Kingdom, that's right. Poof has a slang meaning there, does it not?

I want to point out this movie shot in the United Kingdom. Uh-huh. Almost entirely. Yep. Now, poof does have a slang meaning in that country, does it not? Is slang derogatory? Mm-hmm. Might be the word you want to use?

Yeah. Yeah. It's an offensive word to mean a homosexual man. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting you bring that up because I'd like to tell you what the name of the species

that Yari Alpoo falls into. Can I tell you? Yeah, you can tell them. He's a Queermian. Oh, my God. What? What? He comes up with all the names, right?

From the home world of Queermia. Oh, my God. He's a Queermian male. Q-U-E-R-M-I-A-N. How did you not lead with this when we were talking about Jedi sex lives? Queermian. I had to save it. Yeah.

Well, you did a good job. He is two letters away from just being called a Queerman. And his last name is Poof. It's Q-U-E-R-M-I-A-N. Oh, God. He's a queer man from the planet Queer Mania. He's really just one changed vowel and then moved forward. That's all you need.

He created a queer man alien named Yariel Poof. So we've spent a lot of time in the past talking about the racist connotations of certain characters' behaviors, vocal patterns, names. Occupations. Yes. Interests in money. Goals. Circumcision strategies.

Views on women. Yes. We thought it was just limited to race. Yeah, to other cultures. Is George Lucas Jewish? I thought he was Jewish. Is he not Jewish? I think he's not.

Anyway, we can figure that out later. Yeah. But no, George Lucas also apparently hates people of different sexual orientations. What is the matter with him? What is the matter with him? I think that he literally, like when he's coming up with the names, he gets like a few good ones. Like Darth Maul. That's good.

And then after a while, he's like, I don't know. Queer Poofter. I don't know. Whatever. Like, it's terrible. Can I read a little description from Yael Pouf's Wikipedia entry? Yeah, I'll allow it. His backstory isn't that interesting, but I want to get into this.

This is talking about the Queermian race. Yeah. Okay, some of the things that define the Queermian race. As a Queermian, Pouf's unusually long legs, body, and neck caused him to stand some three feet taller than other humanoid species. Okay. Sure. That's whatoid species. Okay. Sure. That's what we saw.

Yeah. In addition to his upper arms, Poof has an additional set of delicate arms which he hid under his cloak. Weird. Hid them. Secret arms. Keeping something a secret. Possessing remarkable dexterity because of the extra set of limbs, Poof's sensitive,

olfactory glands were located in his hands. Nose hands? Yep. Poof has four hands and he uses them to smell things. He had two brains, one located inside his skull and the other in his chest. That's pretty cool.

I thought I should share this cool stuff. I don't know, we spent a lot of time talking about how unfortunate the naming. Why is it so much of the stupid Yoda guy who's just like, me, me, me, me, me. And Samuel L. Jackson phoning it right in. He basically Skyped that performance in, except Skype hadn't been embedded yet. And then you've got a two-brained gay icon sitting like three chairs over. Hold on.

Hold on. We don't know that Yael Poof is gay. In our first episode, we said maybe this movie is about politics. Maybe it's about how politics and systems and the endless bureaucracy. Right. How it prevents things from getting done. Yeah. You know?

Like the wire. Yo, you guys seen The Wire? How government is getting done. Yeah. You know? Like the wire. Yo, you guys seen the wire? How government is inherently flawed. Yes. And how it prevents actual social change. Right. Societal change. And then in the second episode,

we said that, we kind of said the same thing. Amidala. Yeah. God, we're a bunch of It was the death of the culture. Exactly. The high society, all of that stuff. It was the death of the culture, the high society, all of that stuff.

The silly tomfoolery. If you have the time to create decoys and everything, then maybe that needs to collapse. The death of aristocracy. This episode,

I'm arguing the opposite. Maybe the Jedis are the ones who need to be taken down. Yeah. Well, it's about the ossified structure of religion

and how it prevents any kind of advancement or change. Right. So better to let the democratically elected officials. Well, those guys aren't great either. We might need a revolution. Maybe we need some kind of figurehead who can lead the whole galaxy, if you know what I'm saying. You're saying you need a new hope to come in. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. A change. galaxy if you know what I'm saying you're saying you need like a new hope to come in yeah exactly exactly a change we just need we kind of need to brush a lot of old things aside but you know

sometimes the only thing that keeps uh star systems in line is fear yeah so I don't know maybe that's the answer maybe maybe the answer is repressive repression yeah maybe yeah we'll see we don't know see We don't know. We'll see. I don't know. It's too bad he's never going to get to make any more of these.

Man, how many more times are we going to watch this movie? So many more times. It's weird. It's weird for how well this film did. Because at the time of its release,

it was the third highest grossing film of all time. Second highest grossing. It's murdered. And still, people were talking about it for so long.

People lined up to buy tickets. It was crazy how people were so excited. People lined up to buy tickets. It was crazy how people were so excited. The hype was huge. Huge. Everyone went to see it, and then just stuck in development hell, apparently. I mean, we haven't really, I'll admit, we have done absolutely no research on the other movies, if they were ever planned, if anything ever happened with them.

There must be scriptments floating around the internet. What we've got right now is the Phantom Menace. That's all we've got. That's all we can go off of, unfortunately. Maybe in a future later date we'll talk about something else. But right now what we've got is the Phantom Menace. Maybe when we're 60. I don't know if Lucas ever gets off his hind.

If he gets off one of his Jedi poop chairs. Yeah. You know what's so weird to me? I looked this up the other day. Producer Ben liked that. Yeah. Yeah, go ahead. I looked this up the other day producer ben like that yeah uh yeah go ahead i looked this up today uh i i because i i just realized i'm i'm i spoke here i said if lucas

ever gets off his his hide and uh decides to make another film i found out he sold his production company lucasfilm to disney oh well he did he make he probably made like what like five six million dollars from that a billion wait a. Wait a second. For one movie? Okay. He also produced the film Tucker, A Man and His Dreams. Oh, about the guy who made a car. Yeah. Yeah.

Francis Ford Coppola. Yeah, yeah. Jeff Bridges. I think it's about 13 million domestic in the US. Got a couple Oscar nominations. Two, I think. Dean Stockwell, I think, was nominated for that one. No, Lando was nominated lando lando calrissian martin landau calrissian i don't know where that name came from the great

martin lando uh go on i talk you 12 points oh boy um yeah he made it right he produced a few other movies. Radioland Murders, Howard the Duck, Willow. Ooh, Willow. He did do the Indiana Jones films. Yeah, I've heard of those. Yeah. They're fun.

Yeah, they're good fun. There's, like, at least one of those. Yeah. Yeah. And, well, I mean, I think maybe Disney, you know, was, like, could have, like, you know, gone back to the accountants, like, thought, like, eh. Yeah. Maybe shouldn't have taken Lucas's first offer, but hey, there's a lot to play around with. You've got the nose hand Jedi, and you've got, you know, Boss Nass.

Like, there's a lot of things you can kind of expect. There are a lot of elements to play. Chance cubes. Yeah. Why isn't Disney selling chance cubes? They should be selling chance cubes. Every time I'm like, should I do this or that? And I'm like, what do I do?

Where are the chance cubes? As a former part-time Disney Store employee, I can tell you chance cubes would be flying off the shelves. You could price those things at the low, low price of $800. Oh, my God. Every household would want one. A jewel-encrusted Chance Cube. One side, it's rubies.

The other side, it's like- Sapphires. Yeah. Sapphires. Yeah, you just need two different colors. Yeah. Maybe that's why Disney bought the company. Chance Cubes.

Yeah, they were like watching the movie, and they were like- No, no, I'm talking- And then Watto takes out a Chance Cube, and the guy was like, whoa, wait, what's that? What's that? What's that? Get this guy on the phone. What's his name? What's his name? Mucus. Maybe, no, maybe they bought it

because they see potential in the Star Wars universe, the Phantom Menace universe. Or maybe, and we have to consider this as a possibility in Hollyweird, maybe they just wildly overbid on Strange Magic. Yeah, Strange Magic, man. Maybe they spent $5 billion on Strange Magic. I thought it was $1 billion.

Really? I have no idea. I think it's more. You haven't actually introduced our guest yet. Oh, his name's Connor Ratliff. There we go. Hi. Sorry, just wanted to.

The great Connor Ratliff. Anyway, so the purpose of this podcast is to nail you to the wall, just like the Jinx nailed Bobby Durst to the wall. All right, let's do it. We want to Jinx you. By the way, we record these podcasts a month in advance of their release. That's right. That's right.

This reference is hopelessly outdated at this point. One of my jokes that I came up with on the fly during the South by Southwest show that I was proud of and it went over pretty well was that George Lucas was under the impression that The Jinx was a TV series that starred Jar Jar Binks. Thought that was his new series. And George watched four episodes before he finally realized this is not Jar Jar's new show, The Jinx. Because it does feel like one of those

things when Puff Daddy became P. Diddy that Jar Jar Jinx would just be like, no, call me Sir The Jinx. Call me Sir The Jinx. Call me Sir the Jinx. He thought that all the blinking was like a foreshadowing of Jar Jar Blinks. That was a little bit of a, he's on his way.

Jar Jar does blink very deliberately in The Phantom Menace. His blinking is, he moves his whole head just like Robert Durst. For you listeners at home, David is moving his whole head while he blinks. Yeah. We want to get, I want to get Connor's opinion on Coruscant.

How do you feel about Coruscant? The whole planet's a city. We've talked about this a lot. City planet, right? Yeah. The whole planet's one big city. How incredibly illogical this is. And it's addressed in the commentary.

The designer's like, very exciting to make Coruscant. The whole planet's a city. You know, doesn't go into like the absurdity of that statement. The whole planet is one city is the direct wording, which is not possible. It just sprawls until it fills the whole planet, right? Yeah, but then how, what would downtown Coruscant be? It would be on one hemisphere. Right, but eventually it would turn into uptown Coruscant, would it not?

You definitely have to change your way of thinking. Yeah. You know what I mean? You have to rethink what a city is. But can a city sprawl to fill a whole planet without dividing itself into multiple cities? You say yes? Well, it's not me saying yes. It is what it is.

It happened. Saying that Coruscant isn't one big city is like saying that those droids didn't explode. Yeah, they did. They did. I mean, it is what happened. The planet is a city that covers the whole face of the planet. So the concept of uptown and downtown is an outmoded way of thinking of what a city can be. It's you're the problem, Griffin.

I'm the problem. Yeah, as usual. Before we move away from Terrence Stamp, I just want to quickly note that I have read in perhaps that same interview, that same quote, that he was disappointed not only because he had to act against no one, had to act against a ping pong ball, but specifically he did the movie because he had a crush on Allie Portman. Wow. Who at the time was 14, Terrence Stamp was- I don't know, 108.

He's an old man. That suddenly shifts the story into one where it's like Lucas is the hero of that story. He's like, I'm keeping Natalie Portman away from you. Get me a ping pong ball. Talk to that ping pong ball as if it is something that is illegal for you to be with. I think Natalie Portman may have been 16.

Oh, which in England is age of consent. That is correct. It is. That's why they haven't grown up in England. That's the only reason they've grown up in England.

Right, Darren Sam persisted. Film in England, film with her. Wait, what's this? I can't be with that. It's a ping pong ball. The thing that I think would have fixed this movie is rather than putting all your comedy chips into this Buster Keaton slapstick digital character,

if there had been a character in this movie who was charming and roguish and who undercut the movie. Who maybe sort of poked fun at a little bit of the self-seriousness of the other characters. I think there's a candidate for this. I've spoken to both of you about this prior to this. Captain Panaka, if that character had been played by any comedian that you like, picture anyone. We were throwing out names. The first name that popped into my head was Vince Vaughn.

Just so I was thinking, a lot of people don't like Vince Vaughn. But at that point in time, he was, you know, just emerging in a big way. Yeah. But I think if you put him into that role, another name we threw out was like Bernie Mac. If Bernie Mac was playing that role. Yeah, Bernie Mac would destroy it. And, because basically that character spends most of the movie saying,

this is a bad idea, I don't think we should do this. Yep. Which is a great angle for a comic character to have to be like, listen, this is a bad idea, I didn't think we should do this. Which is a great angle for a comic character to have, to be like, listen, this is a bad idea, I didn't sign up for this. How popular would a character be in a movie like this if he or she was like, listen, sister, I'm just in it for the money. I got to get out of here. I got other stuff I got to do.

I don't want to be in a Star Wars adventure. I got my own stuff going on. Absolutely. I think if you I gotta do. I don't want to be in a Star Wars adventure. I got my own stuff going on. Absolutely. I think if you cast someone charming and likable and allowed them to kind of say, you know, this is bullshit. I don't like being in a Star Wars adventure. I gotta go live my life. And then you keep wrangling him back into it.

He's like, well, here I go again. Yeah, that sounds like that would be the key character in a Star Wars film. Yeah, maybe almost the fulcrum point for a lot of characters who are much more idealistic. And it doesn't have to just be a comic character. You could have given maybe Captain Panaka and Queen Alidala could have had a little fling or something. That'd be great. I think Terrence Stamp just entered into the running again, if that's the case.

Yeah, he's going to have some harsh words for you. His agents are calling. That's right. I've written a list of jokes. Rogues jokes. Terrence Stamp's a very funny actor. I shouldn't be down on Terrence Stamp. Of course, as always, we have with us here the Ben Ducer himself, the pro-doer, Producer Ben. Hello, Fennel. Hold on.

I'm going to say something that makes sense. Hello, gentlemen. Hello, Fennel. Producer Ben, you are not allowed to edit that out, and now Hello, Fennel is our catchphrase. No, I'm editing that out. You are not. No, I don't think so. Hello, Fennel. Hello, Fennel. Hello, Fennel. We're going to make Hello, Fennel is our catchphrase. No, I'm editing that out. You're not. No, I don't think so. HelloFennel. HelloFennel.

We're going to make HelloFennel t-shirts. It was like, it was fellas and gentlemen all wrapped up into one. Hey, it was perfect and now we have a catchphrase. We didn't have a catchphrase, we didn't have a t-shirt, now we got both. So we're going through the INDB cast list of the Phantom Menace, going one performance at a time and judging whether or not we think they're good.

David and I have to agree. And then we'll tally up a point for either the good column or the bad column. If David and I are in a deadlock, Hello Fennel himself, Purdue or Ben will be the tiebreaker. I'm the Robert Duvall of the judge. Wait. Yeah, he was the judge. He was the judge. He was the judge.

Okay, cool. Yeah. Who is the judge in the judge though? Like is there another judge judging the case of the judge. Yeah. Okay, cool. Yeah. Who is the judge in The Judge, though? Like, is there another judge judging the case of The Judge? Yeah, I don't even remember who it is. Okay, all right. Yeah. Have you ever seen The Judge?

No, we talked about this on the first episode. Okay. We should maybe do a whole podcast about The Judge. It's a good idea. Yeah. Have I ever told you this story? I was on vacation with my family. Okay.

How old are you? Nine, eight or nine. Okay. I think I was on vacation with my family. Okay. How old are you? Nine, eight or nine. Okay. I think I was nine. And it's the year before Phantom Mass comes out. Right, 1998. Right, and the movie is top secret at this point. Okay.

No one knows anything other than the cast. Right. And we're walking into a hotel. And sitting there. Oh, boy. In the hotel lobby at the bar slumped over is Liam Neeson. The great Liam Neeson. Is his hair long? Does he have the Qui-Gon hair? No, probably not.

I think it's short hair. I think it was a wig. It's probably a wig. It's weird hair. And they'd wrap filming. I mean, as you remember in the commentary, they said a lot of shots were filmed like a year later. Right. So I think they shot the movie in 97.

There was like a year of post, then reshooting, and then, right. Yeah. So this was probably a year after principal photography had wrapped. And he's sitting there like real drunk, right? Right. In retrospect, I have a very clear image of him in my head. I don't think I identified him as drunk, even though I know he's at a bar. But now I saw this is like, this is a functional drink thing.

Yeah. And my dad goes griffin do you know who that is and i go no and he goes that guy is the lead in the new star wars he knows what's going to appear he's not going to say that guy was in schindler's list he's going to say that guy's in the new star wars he knew that was going to blow my mind i went really he went yeah he is like the new jedi i think right and i went oh my god and he went, really? He went, yeah, he's like the new Jedi, I think. Right. And I went, oh my God. And he went, do you want to meet him? And I went, yeah.

So my dad brings me over and he goes, hi Liam, I'm sorry to bother you. And he like says, yeah. And he goes, this is my son, Griffin and Jamesy. We called my brother Jamesy at the time. Sure. As you still do.

Yeah. And they're big fans of Star Wars. And they wanted to meet you. And he went, oh, hey, nice to meet you boys. You know? Sure. He's polite. Right.

Shook my tiny baby hand with his hand, which is the size of a head. Right. And I said, excuse me, sir, can you tell me what the new Star Wars movie is about? Fair. Right? That's all I want to know. Right. And he went, I can't tell you anything, but I can tell you it's going to be magic. Wow.

And he was right. The best one yet. The best one yet. Let's never forget your review. But I think... That's very sweet. That's a nice story. He seems sincere when he said it.

Right. I think he hadn't seen an assembly of the footage yet. I mean, you imagine he shot the film largely against screen, so he may have literally just meant like, I can't tell you because I don't know. I don't know. Because it was so perplexing to make this film. But I assume that magic will ensue to turn it into a good movie.

Right, right. Next performance. Andy Seacombe. Seacombe, I think. Seacombe. Another English actor. Welsh actor, I believe. Credited as Andrew Seacombe in the role of Watto.

Yes. Son of the late Sir Harry Seacombe, CBE. Another actor. Another actor. Comes from a line of actors. So he plays the role of Watto. Now, we haven't talked a lot about Watto. My favorite character in the film. He had done a lot of TV and a couple small British films before episode one.

And since episode one, he has largely reprised the role of Watto. In video games. And Lego specials. Who knows how he got this role? I'm, yeah, it's kind of curious. I'm assuming he's mostly a stage actor, right? One assumes. Yeah.

And he's got the voice. He's doing a very pronounced voice. I don't know if you want to do an impression of Watto. I will in one second. I just want to point out he's been married to Caroline Bliss since September 1995. Good for him. 20 years. Nice to make it work.

20 years this September. Marriage is a full-time job, you know? You're telling me. You're telling me. We've been married for 25 years. We look forward to our sequel podcast about our marriage. About our marriage. Yeah, talking marriage. I have a great faith in the boy.

It's, it's, I really don't know what to say about this performance. I love Watto. You know I am in the tank for Watto. This entire, the genesis of this podcast was you tweeting the words Watto, though, and me replying to it. That was the whole tweet. And that came four months, that's literally why this podcast exists. That is why it exists. That we started tweeting Watto jokes at each other. You brought up the whole tweet. And that came four months. That's literally why this podcast exists. We started tweeting Watto jokes at each other. You brought up the chance cube.

Then we took it from Twitter to a private text message and went, wait a second, should we do? We started just texting each other names of episode one characters to see who could come up with a funnier name, who could have the better pull. And then you went, wait, we should do a podcast. That is the origin of this. could have the better pull and then you went wait we should do a podcast that is the origin of this initially this was going to be like a 30 episode podcast where we only talked about one character each episode we just went into the backstory of one character and discussed it for an hour okay i think we need to wado comma th oh that came off of a very successful run of tweets i'd had six months later where i wrote bad news went to the doctor today

tests are inconclusive but he thinks I have Watto fever and then kept on posting about Watto fever in the side effects with different pictures of Watto and those tweets got literally in the sixes or sevens of retweets um I love Watto. He was the first action figure I bought. I remember distinctly you asked last week as part of the Taco Bell Phantom Menace KFC Pizza Hut

Rule the Galaxy thing, which planet was which. Mos Esli was... Mos Espa, sorry. Misspeak there for random gibberish. Mos Espa was definitely the Taco Bell. Tatooine, right? The trashiest. The trashiest one.

Because I remember in addition to each store having like eight toys you had to collect. In a future episode, I want to read out the list of all these toys because the names of them are incredible. Sure. And you can imagine what kind of gimmicks. They're each like a little spring loaded thing. Yeah. With amazing titles. But they also each had cups.

Collectible cups. Not like collectible glasses. No. Yeah. Like plastic cups. They were big plastic like big gulp cups. And the design of the cups were the body of its respective character. Each store had four cups.

Okay. This is the merchandise sidebar for this week. Right. Each store had four cups. So is the merchandise sidebar for this week. Each store had four cups. So the cup just looked like Watto's body. It looked like Watto's tummy. It has little legs. And then the top of the cup, there was like a bust of the character.

It was actually more than a bust because it had arms that you could move and a head. So it was like half of an action figure on top of a cup. You'd stick a straw in Watto's back. And I had that cup and I drank the shit out of it. I bet you did. I drank the shit from it. I drank the shit out of the stuff I drank from that cup.

We understand. Watto cup was my favorite. Watto is my best friend. I'm strongly going to vote for this being a good performance. I'm not going to argue with you. Really? Yeah. Oh my God.

I thought that was going to be a fight. No, because I think that, again, I probably have a lot of problems with Watto as character and Watto as voice, but he sells the shit out of the voice. And he's funny. He's got good timing.

What's this? The Jedi thing? Yeah, no, it's true. And that's an important moment because, you know. I'm a Toidian. We don't do Jedi tricks. Toidian.

Toidian. Toidian. Yeah, no, it's, you know, the Jedi have been invincible thus now, and he gives, yeah. He gives such a good laugh. He's got a good laugh. Yeah. He's well animated. Wado's a great character.

Wado's one of the great characters in all of modern cinema. As David Schwimmer made me aware, he is a bit of a Jewish slaver. Yeah, and he's got an uncircumcised nose. And maybe it was an immaculate birth. Maybe she just didn't want to tell Anakin that Watto was her father. What if we come up with the theory that Watto is Anakin's father?

What if we come up with the theory that Anakin is half Jewish, not Jewish in the eyes of the Lord because his mother probably isn't Jewish? It's unclear. Yeah. What if his, what if... Oh boy.

Am I going to say it? Yeah. What if Anakin's penis is a little blue truck? What if Anakin's penis, his seven-year-old little boy penis looks like Watto's nose? Watto's uncircumcised nose? We're going to email George Lucas. We'll hopefully have an answer for you by next week. I assume he'll get back to us shortly because he's not working on anything right now. Yeah, he's georgelucas at example.com. Example.com.

Right. He's going to email us back and tell us whether Anakin has a little baby uncircumcised blue penis. Goodbye. Another great week. Another one for the record books. Five episodes of

Just Talking About Phantom Menace. Not acknowledging anything else. Not comparing it to other movies that may or may not exist. All stemming out of

one tweet. Watto though. Watto comma T-H-O, period. Watto, though. Hey, guys, we're about halfway through. I just wanted to check in, remind everybody to look forward to later this month, we'll be doing an episode on M. Night's new film, Split. That'll be January 23rd.

And then starting in February, we'll begin our new miniseries on the films of Steven Spielberg. The DreamWorks years. We'll be picking up with The Lost World, the lead on that series. All right, enough of me. Let's just jump right back into it. David, you're saying, oh, that would be crazy.

What isn't crazy in a movie that takes place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away? What isn't crazy? Everything's crazy. I guess so. A galaxy far, far away. Okay, I'm bored. A lot of movies take place in different galaxies. A long time ago?

A long time ago. You're telling me this is the past? Well, how else will George Lucas know to write about it? Okay, I'm bored. A lot of movies take place in different galaxies. A long time ago? A long time ago. You're telling me this is the past? Well, how else will George Lucas know to write about it? Oh, you're right. Yeah. We can't write about our future without him. I'm assuming he unearthed all of this information somehow. How long are we talking?

A couple years. You think it was just like 15 years ago? In the 80s. Yeah. It takes place. But in a galaxy far, far away. But in a galaxy far, far away. 1982 in a galaxy far, far away. Right.

You know, David, one of the reasons we started this podcast was so that we could spotlight some of the characters and the sidelines of the Phantom Mass who jumped out to us and go on Wikipedia and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes. And I think this episode has finally provided me with a moment to talk about You want to talk about Gragra. I want to talk about Gragra. If Watto, Boss Nass, and Tarples were my Holy Trinity as a 10 year old,

I'd say my Holy Trinity now is Gragra, TC-14, and Gragra. I am all about that Goudon. Now, just to give you people, to give our audience, you people, You people.

A reminder of who this is. You might remember that at a certain point in the movie, Jar Jar's walking among the markets of Mos Espa. It's right after he stepped in poop. And he goes, oh! It's five fucking minutes on that. Right, he steps in poop, then he almost trips, and he falls over. He grabs some food.

Is it a living thing? I can't remember. It's like a frog almost or something. He pops it in his mouth. Yes. There's like a lizard-type creature hanging at a little stand. It's like a open marketplace. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. Mosaspa. Mosaspa. There's all kinds of things you could say about the sort of third world of Tatooine and the way that's presented, and this is one of open marketplace. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Mos Espa. There's all kinds of things you could say about the sort of third world of Tatooine and the way that's presented

and this is one of the things. It feels a little like an open air Moroccan market. Yeah. And these lizards are on display. Yeah. So he just grabs one.

There's a very, very, by our standards, ugly creature. Yeah. Sort of somewhat scary, heavy set creature with big eyes and sort of horns instead of hair.

Super sharp teeth. And teeth. With a big knife. Jar Jar sees one of these lizards. He grabs it with his tongue and tries to eat it. This creature's like... Angry and Jar Jar's like oh no no. And they step away. I believe what Gragra says is quoted on her Wikipedia page, which is,

Okay. You want my wonka? Ka goba whoopie whoopie. That's her one line. Right. That is her one line. Which I believe means you have to pay for that. It costs three whoopie.

Yep. Seven whoopie whoopie. Yep. Seven whoopie. Sorry. That's what the currency is. Jesus Christ. So we were playing a game and we started playing this podcast. When we started planning out this podcast.

Who can come with the more obscure character name from Recall to bring up here? And then I was sending you a bunch of pictures of Grog Grog. And I realized I should find out who

Grog Grog is, right? So we just described the entirety of Grog Grog's screen time. She says that one line. Oh, right.

That's the first thing we found out. Yeah, it's a female, which is not clear. Presents as male. Yeah. Yeah. That's fine.

Right. So that was a surprise right off the bat. Her species is a Swokes Swokes. A Swokes Swokes. Okay. That's what the species is called. Here's Gragra's biography. You guys got to just read this entry, by the way.

You should have it open. On Wikipedia. Read along with us. In 32 BBY. Gragra. G-R-A-G-R-A. Gragra demanded that Jar Jar Binks pay the seven whoopee. Whoopee. Whoopee. Whoopee whoop whoop. Whoop whoop whoop.

How do you play- Whoop whoop whoop. Whoop whoop whoop. Whoop whoop whoop. I don't know. For a gorg. That's what those lizards are called. The gorg he ate from the market salsa bowl but then started to bully Jar Jar as revenge

for the latter, inadvertently ruining his meal by spitting it out into the pot. Oh, right. Jar Jar then spits out the thing because Gragor left the issue unattended. Yeah. Okay, that's what we know. That's the film. Here's how Wikipedia then moves on with this story. Gragar regretted her harsh behavior and on later reflection realizing that perhaps it had been caused by trouble at home.

There's nothing to say. Just carry on. She spoke to her husband, Gragnac, only to discover that he was as emotionally distant as he had always been. This is on the internet for you guys to read right now. This is canon. Yep. This encouraged her to sell enough gorgs, including sauces created from them, to buy her own ship so that she could leave her husband and her life of quiet domestic oppression behind, becoming a symbol to gorgmongers everywhere. By the way, that's her title. She's a gorgmongers everywhere.

By the way, that's her title. She's a gorgmonger. That is what her job is. She eventually left Mos Espa to work elsewhere, which caused the gorg population in the sewers to grow considerably over the following years. Homeless people often fed on these gorgs. Why isn't she the lead character of the fucking movie? Or at least, why aren't we seeing all of that in a spinoff? This is the Yaddle conundrum again.

Here's a character with an interesting arc. Oh my god, what a rich, rich backstory. An interesting arc! She's like the Norma Ray of Gorgmongers. Not only that, but she is like the fulcrum point in Mas Espa's Gorg-like

community. The entire economy changes. Yeah, without her, they overrun the city. And they feed the homeless. This is a fucking movie! And forget that, like, uh, quiet domestic oppression. This is the hours. Quiet domestic oppression? That's

heartbreaking. Uh, symbol to gorgmongers everywhere. What ship does she get? Where does she leave? See, I love the salty, and it's not like she has an abusive husband. Her husband just doesn't really appreciate her and love her. What's his name again? Grognak?

Is it Grognak? Who does not have a Wikipedia entry. By the way, let's get on that. Oh, boy. Oh, no! Well, people said to me, I went, how is it racist? And they went, Jar Jar Brinks is an offensive stereotype of black people. People said that to me as a 10-year-old, right?

Yeah. And I went, that's not true. No one talks like that. He's an alien. Black people don't talk like that. Sure. You had no context for what was being discussed. Right.

And then in high school, I became really obsessed with mens phobia. I was trying to get to the bottom of it. Wow. Yeah. I was trying to solve the world's problems. I don't think you succeeded. No. Through a 10th grade paper that was titled Back in Blackface.

And it got a B minus. It was a terrible paper. It's a great title. If I ran for president, it would be the first thing that came up. You would just be disqualified immediately. It was just so wrong. I think if you ran for president, this podcast might be the first thing that came up. They just have to play all the Neimoidian clips tied together every time I did that voice.

So Jar Jar, even within the context of the Gungans, is stupid. The Gungans aren't weird or stupid except they talk in this kind of baby language. Jar Jar is both talking in this obnoxious language and really, really dumb. Okay, so this is my question number two. really dumb. Okay, so this is my question number two. If the other Gungans didn't speak in the same language, would Jar Jar be less offensive?

So you're saying Jar Jar still talks like he talks. He goes, oh Misa, oh you great life dad. And then they go down and boss us. And they're like, what's up? I'm so sorry about Jar Jar. I think that would be really bad because then it would be like Jar Jar literally was a mentally infirm, like a disabled person who had been cast out of the Gungans.

But that's why I kind of prefer it. Like on some sort of short bus, a one-way short bus out of Odogunga. Who else should we bring? Maybe the pilot of the ship because the ship's grunt and he might be someone who knows about fucking hyperdrives no no leave him let's bring Jar Jar Binks yeah even bring up boring old Ricolet like he that's what I'm saying Ricolet could be like oh yeah

that's the hyperdrive engine we need I am the pilot right Panaka gets stuff done or Panaka Ricolet knows the ship R2 even was the one who fucking went out to try to fix the hyperdrive in the first place. And also, also it's a desert planet of sand.

Jar Jar is an underwater creature. This is the worst place for him to be. He should get in a bathtub and just take it easy until they can go home. But nope. Out he goes with them. And if you go, well, oh god he owes Qui-Gon a life debt. He's gonna follow Qui-Gon wherever he goes. If it's a real life debt

and if Jar Jar's respectful of that life debt, then Qui-Gon should just go, hey, Jar Jar, if you wanna help me out, do my taxes. Just fucking stay in the ship and do my taxes. I think the Jedi are tax exempt. Okay, but I'm just saying, give him a menial task. No, I know, of course. Is Jar Jar following him to the shower? Like, how

close does he have to be? Right, does he follow him everywhere? Anyway, I forget. Is it actually discussed? Is it like Jar Jar's like, I want to come to it. No, they just cut to them walking out of the ship and Jar Jar's in tow. He's part of the skeleton crew now. We've got a two parter for you gentlemen. Okay.

Is there a subtler way to establish the traits of these characters we put into question without using stereotypical tropes? Or is the issue more telling to the larger problem at play in this film, that because so much effort is spent on exposition and driving the plot along,

that proper character development is ignored? Okay, just quickly, before we answer that, I want all of you to know that Producer Ben was reading that. That was typed up on his computer screen. Just so you don't think he's the poet laureate. And you're wondering why we're stumbling over our words for an hour and producer Ben gets up and doesn't miss a beat. I think that Ben has a very good point about the exposition. He does have a very good point.

Ben's really smart. He's the poet laureate of this podcast. Because you're right. Like, no one gets to be developed as a real character in this movie because there's way too much time spent on like, so, you're a Jedi, I'm a queen, blah, blah, blah. You know, gungan, blah, blah, blah. They just have to.

So it's like, oh, well, Jar Jar will just fall over a lot. Yeah. And he's got to talk like a fucking idiot or else we're not going to get that he's stupid. He's the dumb funny one. He's the sleazy one. Yep. Yeah.

All right. That's true. He's the dumb funny one. He's the sleazy one. Yep. Yeah. All right. That's true. That's the problem. George Lucas is like, well, I'm making like a Flash Gordon cereal. Everyone has to conform to a really obvious Looney Tunes type archetype just so we get it and then we can be like, oh, I have a hyperdrive for you. The fact that we've seen this movie like 20 times and we still can't remember. We still don't know these details.

I don't think that's a criticism on us. I think that's a criticism on the film. Yeah, everyone's so interchangeable at all times, basically. Yeah, and also it's just hard to follow what the fuck is happening. I've seen it so many times and I'm still not really sure what's going on. They have one thing to do, which is get a hyperdrive. Yeah, I know that much. That's the one thing they need to do.

They go to one store. It is owned by a little flying Jewish man named Watto. With a big old belly. He is a Toydarian. Means he can't play any mind tricks on him, bro. Which means he's basically like a big fat tummy and little hands and feet and little wings that are flapping all the time. And kind of a shriveled skull head with a big floppy skin nose.

He's got an uncircumcised nose. Yeah. With this. Yeah. It's got like wrinkles in it. You know, it's it's a really like care. And he's got like four teeth. And he has stubble.

He has a beard, which is really gross, which is rubbing all the time. And he's he kind of he bulging, bulbous eyes. Yes. And he talks like, I don't know, you can do water better than me, probably. There you go. That's playful. That's the key to water. He owns a store.

He has two slaves, a somewhat petite, sort of quiet, placid woman named Shmi Skywalker, and her son, Anakin, who's an eight-year-old slave. I don't know if we've discussed this in the past. Go ahead. I don't know if it's crass I'm talking how it's earned. Do we think Watto's sticking it to Shmi? We have discussed this. We have discussed this.

Because you discussed whether- Watto's the father? Whether Anakin has an uncircumcised water rose for a penis. Yes. Well, you know, Shmi says that Anakin was amazingly conceived out of nowhere. And Qui-Gon thinks maybe the Force conceived him. Yeah. Yeah, the Force in Wada's pants.

Wada's whole operation, he's kind of like, I mean, I've been watching a lot of Star Trek. He's kind of like a Ferengi in Star Trek. How so? Well, you know, he's sort of like a wheeler dealer who doesn't mess around and is always looking for the right bargain and the right deal. And, right, he's sort of like, much like that race. It's like this sort of merchant race that you can very quickly follow a quick path down to a very uncomfortable stereotype. Doesn't report, can't work on the Sabbath.

Yeah, he's like a wheeler deal. It was, as I've said before on this podcast, it was David Schwimmer who alerted me to this. He gave some interview where he said he saw The Phantom Menace, which I love the idea of just thinking about just David Schwimmer one day buying one ticket to see The Phantom Menace,

sitting down and seeing it, watching it, having a good time. And then Watto shows up and he's like, this is an offensive stereotype of Jews. Until that point, he was agreeing with me that it was the best of the films. Yeah, he was next to you, wasn't he? The best of all the films ever made. Yeah, it was the best one yet. Oh, wait, you thought it was the best one yet, the best film?

Yeah, very clearly. Because what else would I be referring to? Of course. There are no other films in this franchise. Of course. All I could be referring to is the medium of film. It's the best one of these yet. Yeah.

So it beat Blank Check. It knocked Blank Check down to number two. Yeah. I mean, talk about films with incredible sci-fi premises. Blank Check, finally. I thought it was unstoppable, and Blank Check finally got knocked down. Mr. McIntosh got kicked to the curb. Sorry.

But yeah, I saw Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace opening day in Ziegfeld with my father, Peter Newman, my brother Jamesy, and Davey Schwimmer, who was my babysitter. And Davey Schwimmer leaned over and said, Watto is an uncomfortable Jewish stereotype to you. I said, get your hands off my milk duds, David!

So, Watto, yeah, he owns a couple slaves, and Qui-Gon makes this deal with him. The hyperdrive, what is the deal? It's if Anakin wins the pod race, he gets the hyperdrive and Anakin. Originally, it's the hyperdrive. Oh, no, he bets the ship as collateral, the actual ship. He puts that money up against the hyperdrive. He says hyperdrive's not worth it.

You need to throw in a slave. And Watto's like, all right, well, how about the woman slave? And he's like, well, let's leave this to the chance. That gets up later. At first, he's just like ship for the hyperdrive. Yeah. And then he changes the deal, which Watto really could be like, hey, man, like, what are you doing? Like, you know, welching on me here. But, yeah, youano really could be like, hey man, like, what are you doing, like, you know,

welching on me here. But yeah, you like that word. Yeah. This, of course, is the podcast where we talk about Star Wars Episode One. Yeah, well, the Star Wars movie. The Phantom Menace. Right, the Phantom Menace. It was the one Star Wars movie made.

Sometimes I just call it Star Wars, you know, just for brevity's sake. For sure. Well, yeah, why wouldn't you call the first film in a franchise just Star Wars? Why would you need a subtitle? Because George Lucas had a lot of plans. He had a lot of plans. He had big epic plans for where the series was going to go, and he never got to fulfill any of them. As far as we know.

But we do our research. We do our research. I just feel like sometimes I get so sleepy. Yeah, sure. So we talk about The Phantom Mass. Yeah. George Lucas' fourth feature film. Yeah.

Okay, let's go. THX 1138. THX 1138. That was one. American Graffiti. Great film. There's another one. I always forget.

There was one more, and then he made The Phantom Mass. There was a gap in between. There was one somewhere between 1975 and 1999. There was one other film. I don't remember what it was. Yeah, is it about Stalinist Russia or something? It was boring like that. ST is definitely the first two letters.

That guy needs to learn how to make a crowd pleaser, I will say. Yeah, I mean, he never really settled down and got his head out of the clouds. This was that movie. It was self-financed with the $ million that the Hasbro toy company gave him. And so essentially the merchandise, the cart came before the horse. The merchandise paid for the movie that was then going to result. I don't know why any company would pay $100 million for the first film in a franchise that is totally untested. But, I mean, I don't know.

We have the figures, but we have the box office figures. It was probably a successful move on. Is it Hasbro's part? I think they overestimated demand. But you don't think they sold some toys? They did. They did, but they shipped way too many. Okay.

All right. All right. So there's some landfill somewhere with a bunch of Gragas filling up a ditch. Gragas actually wasn't released until 2007 okay but for any other film in a franchise i know because i waited uh for any other film uh the merchandise sales would have been through the roof yeah right oh i see expectations were way too high they produced too many they sent too many to stores and so a lot of them were put on the discount this is all important for today's episode because I don't want to speak for everyone,

but I think I speak for everyone when I say that everyone loves this podcast. I mean 100% approval rating. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah. People are going bananas. Or do you mean that everyone on earth listens to it? Both. Right.

And they all love it. Everyone loves it. Yeah. Everyone. Seven billion thumbs up. Anybody who's anybody, and I'm not saying like anyone who's important, I'm saying literally anybody who is a body... Yeah.

And has an iPod. ...loves this pod. Or an Android, who cares? We're, you know, not platformist. No, absolutely not. I used to own an Android. Oh, Jesus Christ. Not anymore.

I used to own a Zoom. I didn't own a Zoom. Really? I'm just kidding. Oh, Jesus Christ. Not anymore. I used to own a Zoom. I didn't own a Zoom. Really?

I'm just kidding. Android, the mere company name comes from the droids of the Star Wars films. They pay a royalty. Do you know this? Is that true? The Android company pays a royalty to George Lucas. Why didn't they just? George Lucas, one, George Lucas knows how to make a buck.

Yeah. Holy cow. Yeah. But two, they couldn't have just called it something else? Geez. They could have called it TC-14. They could have. Oh, God, I want to fuck that phone.

TC-14 is the best. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I got this wrong. They don't pay a royalty to the Android phone. It was the Motorola Droid. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which to the Android phone. It was the Motorola Droid. Oh, right. Which was an Android phone. Right, but it was

just called the Droid. He owns the word Droid. So, so far we've said on this podcast that it's the best podcast ever and everyone loves it and then we talked about droids for five minutes. This is the worst podcast in the world. This is actually, but like jokes aside, this is actually maybe the number one worst podcast I think so. I think we're pretty proud Maybe the number one Worst podcast I think so

I think we're pretty proud Standard bearers of that title I think so This podcast isn't going anywhere Just because The very words The Phantom Menace Brings bile into my throat

Right We're doing a couple more episodes Yeah Oh yeah Yeah We're gonna milk a little more Blood out of this stone Oh

And Once that is done We're gonna keep shop. You might have noticed on iTunes, we're not listed as the Phantom Podcast. We're listed as Griffin and David Presents. Which makes us super accessible. A larger branding initiative. We'll move on to talk about other stuff.

I don't know what else we're going to talk about. We can't move on to the Star Wars saga because it's a one and done. Yeah. They pulled a real producer, Ben, on making these films. Honestly, I'll do one more sweep just to double check things, but I think, unfortunately, Phantom Menace is really as far as it goes. Yeah, I think after one last,

whenever our last episode of this focus on the Phantom Menace Yeah, it's not a pressing thing. Quick sweep. It's not, no rough. I mean, talk about looking for a needle in a stack of needles. Yes. A needle in a stack of needles. Yes. A needle in a stack of needles. Yeah. Okay, so now we're on to eBay. So you're looking for this toy on eBay? No, we're going to look for other stuff. This is what I want. I told

you recently that I've been bidding on ComTech lots. Yeah, you did. I think you told everyone. I think you meant, maybe you only told me in private. Yeah, I might have told you in private because I was a little embarrassed. I've been getting drunk and looking for lots of ComTechs. Producer Ben just shaking his head like he's feeling sorry for this man over here. I'm not really interested in the figures. This hero. Okay, see

this is something I want right here. And this is a buy it now best offer. Holy, this is a pile of ComTechs. It's 19 ComTech chips. Which, if you haven't listened to, like, episode one when Griffin talks about this, it's this, like, complete pyramid scheme of a toy where you have to buy some kind of, like, radio communicator thingy. Now toys talk, like never before. Each figure comes with a little plastic chip.

And you would, like, plug the chip in. You wouldn't even plug it in. You'd swipe it over the top. It looks like Obi-Wan Kenobi's Comlink communicator. And you buy that, the reader, which I maybe have somewhere. My parents are moving, so I actually have to move all my childhood stuff. From your childhood home? Yeah.

Wow. So I have to move all my stuff out of there. Are they downsizing now that the kids are out of the house? They're ruining your sister's. Yeah, it's a combination of emptiness and also my father being in tremendous financial debt. Oh, cool. Yeah. Real mismanagement of funds.

Sorry to hear that, bud. Do you want to say that on air? Yeah, sure. Oh, cool. My dad will never listen to this. What if your dad listens every week? No. Okay, here's the plan.

Sorry, dad. Ben, I'm going to say cut that part out, but then don't cut it out. But then I have plausible deniability because I said cut it out. Do you know what I'm saying? You should cut this part out. And then you can blame me later. But then I have plausible deniability because I said cut it out. Do you know what I'm saying? Cut this part out. Cut the part out with me telling you to say cut it out. Anyway, so clean edit point, cut it out.

Okay, yeah. Ben, just cut that part out. Alright, no problem. Are you just going to read fanfiction to me? Mm-hmm. If anyone is still listening to this podcast at this moment in time i beg you they're just two guys staring at each other in front of two microphones in a hot room reading fan fiction hot room about the phantom metals like griffin texted me this morning or last night

saying let's just do fan fiction this week and i didn't even know how to reply to him you didn't even respond no i was two in the morning. I was asleep. I'm in a really dark place right now. Warning. This was thrown together during a mutual fit of insanity. It's written by Dr. Gonzo. This was thrown together during a mutual fit of insanity. We refuse to be held

responsible for our own demented minds. Switching point of view will be indicated by headers. Spoilers. None. There's headers? Yeah. Summary. A cultural ritual takes an unexpected turn when Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon find themselves

on opposite sides of a hole in the wall. Are you in some... Are you in like an Obi-Wan-Qui-Gon section of the site? Like is this... Those seem to be... That's mostly what it is. Yeah, that's most of the fan fiction that's written. That's interesting.

There's no Amidala fan fiction? Very little. Nothing about, you know, lives of the handmaidens? Very little. So the headers, there are headers right from the get-go. Okay? So it tells you which perspective. Because I guess they're on opposite sides of the whole and all.

So you've got to know which side you're on. Okay, ready? Qui-Gon. You're struggling here. Qui-Gon Jinn stuck his penis through a hole in the wall. Apparently they got glory holes. I mean, I saw it coming, I guess. You know, the opposite sides of the wall.

But I thought there would be some buildup. This story was no time. They're not even telling us how they got to the wall. Where it is, where the hole is. What planet they're on. Well, the hole is at sort of probably like penis height. Well, traditionally a hole in the wall is... Go on, please. Finish that sentence. The hole is at sort of probably like penis height. Well, traditionally a hole in the wall is...

Go on, please. Finish that sentence. I've always heard that there's a place in France where the ladies wear no pants and there's a hole in the wall where the guys can see it all. Right. I've also heard that. This doesn't seem... Aphorism. Maybe that is this hole. Maybe this is...

Is he in France? I don't know. We don't know yet. They started media res. So just... We don't know where this story is this hole. Is he in France? I don't know. We don't know yet. They started media res. So just read the first sentence. I want to see this. Qui-Gon Jinn stuck his penis through a hole in the wall. It wasn't an experience.

That's its own paragraph, by the way. That's one sentence, period, new paragraph. That makes sense. It wasn't an experience with which he was intimately familiar, eminently comfortable. He looked surreptitiously down the length of the wall where other holes waited at varying lengths with varying diameters. Oh, that makes sense that there would be like, you know, it's an alien, like, civilized, you know, like there's a lot of different penises and a lot of different heights and shapes and sizes. It was more cold than arousing.

The plasticine ring that cradled his most intimate part. So they put rings around the holes. It's not just a car job. It's not just a punch. Yeah, right. The cradle's most intimate parts had not been warmed in preparation for occupancy. Beggars can't be choosers. Furthermore, he felt rather vulnerable,

considering that he had no idea who might be on the other side of the wall. Why is he doing this? Also, he's a Jedi. He should have some familiarity. He should be able to sense someone's feelings. He can sense a great disturbance in the forest. Something he can't figure out. Bouncing carefully on his heels to keep the circulation going, he waited.

Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan knelt on the cushion that had been provided for him. Waiting for his first patron. God, this was embarrassing. Why would this be happening? What possible reason? I'm hoping it's explained. We're in Meteorize.

I think you're right that the Meteorize is crucial to the setup here. I'm hoping it's explained. I think you're right that the is crucial to the setup here. I'm hoping it unfolds itself. It's like we're hooked right in. Obi-Wan did what? God, this was embarrassing. Just how did he always manage to get involved in these things? Okay, so we're

learning a little more. This isn't the first time this has happened. I want to make this clear. This is not written by George Lucas and has nothing to do with the Star Wars Expanded Universe. But he is da man. He shook away his lingering discomfort. It wasn't important, he told himself. All that mattered was doing his duty and doing it well. It would not do to shame the Jedi with a poor performance.

Not far down from him was another humanoid performing his duty. So there are multiple... And there's no separation. There's a big wall, a lot of holes. A lot of holes. So on one side of the wall, a bunch of people sticking their wheelies in, and the other side, a bunch of people are kneeling on cushions. Yeah.

For what reason, we do not yet know. Obi-Wan found his eyes reluctantly drawn to the sight. It should have been humorous, perhaps, watching a young man servicing an anonymous patron through the barrier of a wall. But somehow... Ugh, he squirmed uncomfortably, trying to watch without obviously staring. Can we skip ahead? Qui-Gon.

Qui-Gon uncomfortably attempted not to listen to the person that had already been enjoying the services of this establishment when he arrived. This is filled with innuendo. For a thing that began with Qui-Gon putting his penis through a hole. Now they're beating around the bush. The services. Now they're acting coy. Apparently he found this concept more exciting than Qui-Gon himself did. Still, when the Jedi Master discovered what accepting the ritual courtesies of the Jaksterian royal court involved, he'd been glad that he could sneak away without his Padawan in Obi-Wan's customary place at his

side. Now we're learning a little more. Okay, right. Qui-Gon doesn't know that Obi-Wan's on the other side of the wall. They're visiting a Jaksterian palace, apparently this- Which is like a glory hole civilization, I guess. This is what you do. Yeah, right, right. And he went, let me sneak away from Obi-Wan. A little man time. Yeah.

Without Obi-Wan here to witness, this was merely uncomfortable. With him here, it might have been impossible. Qui-Gon squirmed a bit, gazing up at the ceiling. What with the squirming? Jesus Christ. This is my favorite piece of writing, so. Squirmed a bit, gazing up at the ceiling. Period.

Beige. Period. Beige. Period. You could use a nice new coat of paint and a quiet beige. A quiet beige. Sure. Because, you know, I hate a loud beige. The man next to him finished with a shout,

convulsing, palms slapping against the wall, and Qui-Gon blushed crimson. Looking away and humming a little to himself, Jedi control. When he was accepted and pleasured, he would not make such a vulgar and embarrassing display. He would not be commensurate with the dignity of a Jedi Master.

We know the stakes. I hate it. When he comes, he can't act like a fool The stage is set That's the goal Don't act like a fool When you bust a nut Obi-Wan

Fighting the urge to whistle Obi-Wan instead settled himself On his back against the soft cushions His back The customs of some people would never cease to amaze him, he thought, shaking his head slightly. When the Chamberlain had told him what would be expected

of him, it had been all he could do not to faint right there in the richly decorated throne room, like some flighty little child, not the Jedi he was supposed to be. David is now checking his emails. I am not listening to you The other servicer was certainly getting

Vigorous he noted With a touch of apprehension This might not be as easy as he had first thought All thoughts were wiped away when he glanced back At his own station and saw that this first patron Had arrived when he wasn't paying attention I understand There's a dick hanging out of the hole in the wall

I think I can see the I understand. There's a dick hanging out of the hole in the wall. I think I can see the ultimate twist of this story. I think I can see where it's all heading. He winced mentally. Not a good way to start out. He winced mentally? Mentally winced. He went like this.

Not a good way to start out. Shifting forward onto his knees, he steeled himself for what he was about to do. Just duty, he reminded himself. This was a part of his mission. It must be handled like any other task. Why is he doing this? Just duties. Part of a mission. Handled like any other task. The last sentence explained... It did not. It explained all of it. No, it did not.

A part of his brain snickered at the word handle. Why is his brain snickering and wincing? And he ignored it, calm and ready to do his service until he got a good look at exactly what he was supposed to be servicing oh boy oh boy i mean this is the first time i'm genuinely intrigued right qui-gon the longer he waited to be attended the more uncomfortable qui-gon grew perhaps he had stuck himself into the wrong hole maybe he was being filmed for purposes of blackmail.

Maybe the size of his cock was just too intimidating for anyone to take him up on this ludicrous offer. We've never talked about it, but Liam Neeson is famous for being well-endowed, right? Yeah. That's a long-standing film Hollywood rumor, right? Within Hollywood circles he is rumored to have one of, if not the

biggest, uh, penises. I hate everything that we're doing today. Janice Dickinson once said it was like a fucking Evian bottle. Janice Dickinson's the world's first supermodel. Yeah, no, no, no, no. Anyway, carry on. Yes, she is. You're right.

He gazed longingly back in the direction of the small dressing chamber where he had left his robes and his lightsaber. Well, the metal one, anyhow. So, David, what's going on here? No, I understand. It's like a lightsaber of the flesh. You've made multiple

lightsaber penis puns in the course of us doing this podcast. That's what I'm saying! Maybe this is going to help us figure it out! No, it's not. This might help us figure the movie out. After this story, we're done. I have six more tabs open. I'm not listening to you. What are you working on right now?

I'm just looking at some casting rumors about Martin Freeman in Captain America Civil War. What do you think he's going to play? I think that he's going to play like a suit. Guys, what is going on? What is going on? He's reading fan fiction to me. I was into it. I've been captivated this whole's reading fan fiction to me. I was into it. I've been captivated this whole time.

Okay, then I'll get back into it. What would you want to do with this episode, David? I don't know. We've run dry. Yeah, we've definitely run dry. We are out of Phantom Menace. We are out of Phantom Menace things to do. Has this movie broken?

I feel like last week was the one where we went stir crazy, and this is the one where we're just resigned. Well, this is the one where we are looking where there is not information, if that makes sense. I suggested reading the novel. You said you didn't want the time commitment, considering that it's only 5% different than the book.

I suggested playing the PlayStation game. You said you didn't want it because it got bad reviews. No, I wouldn't play it. I just don't have a PlayStation. I don't either. I have a PlayStation 3, but I thought it was probably on the store. We could buy it on iTunes. Wait, is the PlayStation game significantly different?

No, probably not. I think you play from Obi-Wan's perspective. I don't know. I don't know what to do, David. Yeah, I know. Just read me another plot description. Qui-Gon relaxed suddenly. His intuition is telling him that he was quite

literally in good hands. See what they did there? That's great. I like that. I like that. Really? Yeah. We, that's you might notice on iTunes we're listed as Griffin David Presents, which has made us difficult for some

people to find on iTunes. Yeah, people are like, I keep going Phantom Menace or whatever. Right. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I Google a Phantom podcast and I get a podcast about the Phantom, the old radio serial. Guys, you could have gone with my suggestion, which was Griffon Simsburg. Griffon Simsburg. Yeah, that would have been so easy to Google.

Yeah, of course. That's the Poet Laureate. That's an autocorrect nightmare. Poet Laureate of the Phantom podcast, Ben Dusser, a.k.a. the Purdue, or a.k.a. producer Ben. A.k.a. HelloFennel. HelloFennel. Yeah. HelloFennel.

Oh, well, my God. What a panty dropper that one is. Maybe we should be called HelloFennel. We could be called HelloFennel. That might be easier to Google. I'll contact iTunes. But I said I cracked the code. You did.

You were very excited. I said a lot of these things we pitched about doing a podcast about have a through line. I realized that that is what attracted us to the Phantom Mass in the first place. Yeah. And is the kind what someone does when they're given complete creative freedom. Yeah. Or they have a lot of Hollywood capital to spend on a sort of a passion project maybe. You know what my dad used to call it?

My dad and I used to call it the get out of jail free card. Right. So it's like there's this idea that if in Hollywood they have, you know, short memories. Yes. So if you fail, it doesn't matter how many times you succeeded before that you're out. Yeah. But sometimes you have a success that's so big you get a get out of jail free card. Yeah. So you can make one wild folly, one extreme passion project.

Sometimes they turn out well. And sometimes you get to make a bunch of them. Like, sometimes Hollywood just keeps forgetting, like, the Wachowski brothers, you know, like, or Wachowski siblings. If it's that big. Yeah. Sometimes you just keep getting

the hand of the keys to something. You keep on getting get-out-of-jail-free cards. Often you just get the one. Right. Yeah. The idea is that you can flop that big because you know they'll give you one more chance afterwards. You get out of movie jail.

They take you out of movie jail. And they take you off the bench. We're fascinated by that. A lot of – when we talk about projects, we always talk about the context of – remember, this is what they were coming off of. And, you know, of course, George Lucas coming off the massive success of THX 1138, American Graffiti, and maybe one movie in between. And he'd been a producer for films. Producing Indiana Jones.

Yeah, that's a good movie. That's a good movie. Yeah, I like that movie. But as we've talked about a lot, the Hasbro toy company paid $100 million for the rights to this film. So he had complete creative control. He was working outside the studio system. They trusted him implicitly.. He was working outside the studio system. They trusted him implicitly. And that was what was fascinating to us,

is this movie was not fettered by the studio heads coming in, the mucking about, going, they changed this, changed this. He made exactly what he wanted to make. And I think for us, that's fascinating. When all the chips are down and they go, I'm finally getting to make something the way I want to. And a couple times it's resulted in some of my favorite pieces of art ever.

Yes. Are you thinking of anything in particular? There's one movie I'd really like to cover. My favorite movie of all time. I think we'll save it for later. Yeah, we'll save that for later. But my favorite movie of all time falls into that category squarely. Yes, right.

And you have never seen it. No, I've never seen it. Yeah, so I want to do an episode. To make it clear that we're not always just going to shit on stuff. Yeah, no. And we also went into this thinking we were going to love. Yeah, yeah. We thought we were going to crack the curtain.

There are things we liked that maybe have now just been tarnished beyond repair. 100%. But we definitely originally liked this movie. You can remember the good times. Go back and remember the good times. Yeah. The best one yet. Yeah, but our point is it's not just going to be like, oh, movies that flopped or movies that failed or trying to – we're going to talk about –

No, no, no. This is what fascinates us. It's when someone has all the clout and the heat to make exactly what they want and how it turns out. Because I guess it's an idea people go, oh, art, business, commerce mixes in, the executives, da-da-da-da-da. A lot of times when someone's given complete artistic control, it's a disaster. A lot of times when someone's given complete artistic control, it's a disaster. Oh, no. But it's never bland or boring or Hollywooded to death.

I mean, hell, we saw Mad Max last week, and there's a perfect example. It went right. Yeah. But, you know, something that could have easily just been a total spectacle of folly. But instead, good job, George. If Fury Road had come out 10 years ago, you would definitely be doing a, spectacle of folly. But instead he, you know, good job, George. If Fury Road had come out 10 years ago, we would definitely be doing a podcast about it. Yes.

Oh, my God. It would be right in our wheelhouse. And that's a movie, why did he get to make that? Because of Happy Feet. Seriously, because Happy Feet was so successful. Yeah. Well, Happy Feet 2 didn't do as well. But he was already good to go. You're right.

Happy Feet was such a surprise, profitable and Oscar winning hit for... For Warner Brothers. Who did not an animation department. Who also produced Mad Max.

It was, at the time of its release, one of the ten highest grossing films that Warner Brothers had ever released. That's crazy. Including like six Harry Potter movies. Happy Feet is, by the way, like not a good movie, but has a great, I don't like that movie personally. I'm very conflicted. It has a great opening 20 minutes. When he's a baby, it's so good.

Yeah. When he's Elijah Wood or whatever, eh. Well, Happy Feet would have worked better the Fury Road version where it was like, let's just keep it to one thing and just do the shit out of this one thing.

The great thing about Fury Road is just one fucking chase as a movie. Getting back to what this podcast is ostensibly about. Adam's Family Values?

Yeah. I love Adam's Family Values. Can we do one on that because that's literally one of my favorite movies of all time. I would happily do that. Eat me.

That wasn't me. That was a Pugsley reference. That's an AFV poll for any of you AFV fans out there. So the podcast is going to continue. We're going to cover other things. We've got a lot of suggestions from fans. We've talked about a lot of things. I think by popular demand, our hands are tied.

We've got to do Judging the Judge. I get 50 tweets a day about this. Judging the Judge. I get 50 tweets a day about this. Judging the Judge. No, I don't get it. So you might think we're joking, but... Judging the Judge

is coming up. Yeah, so here's the idea. Right now, this is, you're listening to the season finale of the Phantom Podcast. Woo!

Looks like we made it. Early June, commentary episode. Then we're coming back a week or two after that with Judging the Judge. It's 100% happening. Yeah, I'm going to have to watch the movie The Judge. I'm really excited. It's great.

It's terrible. So if you subscribe, if you're subscribed to Griffin David Presents, it will just be a continuous podcast. Judging the Judge. We will have a new title in terms of how we present it. The artwork will be different, but it'll be the same fucking podcast. Wherever you listen, it'll be right there in the same place. Yeah.

And then after that, I don't know. We'll see after that. We're going to, yeah, we'll figure something out. We'll figure it out. But we'll keep the theme going of grand follies or wild successes coming off of massive successes. What people do when they're given complete freedom. Judge and the Judge fits that because David Dobkin had just made Fred Claus. Did he make something in between?

He made The Change-Up, which was a big flop. My take on it is that it's Downey Jr. coming off the heat of The Avengers movies. I know. Being able to make whatever he wants. The Change-Up is another movie I never saw, but it's really bad, right? It's bad. That's the one with Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman. I think I've seen every David Dobkin movie, which is astounding because I like zero David

Dobkin movies. You don't even like Clay Pigeons? Is that the one he- It's okay. It's okay. But back to the matter at hand. The Phantom Menace. Star Wars-

Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Episode one. One episode. The Phantom Menace. It was supposed to be part of a big sci-fi saga, and it never got off the ground. As we all know, there's only one of these movies.

And that's what's fascinating to us is it's a dead end. We started this podcast, not this episode, but oh, lone nine episodes ago. We started this with one explicit goal. Answer one question. So simple. Answer one question. Is it simple? We thought so.

Much like Sarah Koenig, we thought answering one question was going to be easy. That's still going on, by the way. Yeah. They got some Jay testimonial. I don't know. I don't care about Sarah. And what's crazy is we answered her question on our first episode. Of course.

Yeah. We know the answer. Yeah. Not as guilty. Yeah. No question. We can't care about serial. And what's crazy is we answered her question on our first episode. Of course, yeah. We know the answer. Yeah, Anand's guilty. No question. We can lock him away forever. Anand and Jay did it together and they're both guilty. That's why the stories don't make sense because each of them has half the story because they're trying to... No, I understand. I do think, yeah, Anand was involved, Jay was involved in some way or another.

The stories don't match up with anything because each of them kind of has half the information, but they have to cut out the parts where they were involved. Dumb. Stupid. Dumb. Anon and Jay are dumb. We've come in with one question that we thought was easier to answer and we failed entirely. Yeah. What is Star Wars

Episode I The Phantom Menace about? We did fail. I mean, we would always come... We'd brush against it, maybe. We'd have a theory that had some grounding, but we'd never. But I feel like a lot of our answers were delivered in this tone. The Phantom Mass is about trades? Do you know what this sound is right here? That sounds like ComTech chips.

This is $30 worth of ComTech chips. Wow. I have not been able to recover my ComTech reader. Good. Perfect. Great. So we're just going to open the chips. They're just extra useless.

And we're going to play for you the sounds of how the chips sound just physically as items, as plastic tchotchkes. I'm actually a little excited to hold these things because I've heard about them so much. Okay, so this is a cardboard box, and inside is a Taco Bell bag. Ooh. This is wrapped in a plastic Taco Bell bag. Oh, wow. Yeah, so let's just rub some of these chips together in here. What do you got? You got

a boss Nass? I got a boss Nass here. Okay, and I got here... Luke Skywalker? I don't know who the fuck this is. Well, Skywalker, that's Anakin's name, so maybe that's his, like, grandpa or something from a novel. It says aspiring pilot, so maybe this is...

We got Qui-Gon. We got Amidala. I have something that is just Star Wars. I don't really know what that is. That's the one that comes with the ComTech Reader. It's just got some various sound effects. I got Adi Ghalia here, member of the Jedi Council. Yes.

Rick O'Lea. Ben is excitedly showing me. Oh, I got two of the big ones right here. I got Anakin, Anakin Skywalker. These are all numbered, by the way, and on the back they have a name and a status. Anakin Skywalker, son of Shmi Skywalker, owned by Watto, and then I got Kaia D. Mundy. And I'm going to play for you right here. Here's the sound of two Comtex being rubbed together. This is really exciting podcasting. I'm just looking for TC-14 right now. We've got to get a TC-14 here, right?

There was definitely a fit. Let's dump these all out. Admiral Mahdi. I don't know who he is. Yeah. He's probably extended. Who gives a shit? Sounds stupid.

Naboo foot soldier. Great. This is now seeing them all splay out on the table like this. This was a really stupid purchase. Oh, you like this one, though, don't you? Well, that's interesting, and just quickly before we analyze your analysis, I want to make it clear that you were reading that from a pre-written

text. Poet laureate himself. Because I don't want people thinking that he just spins this shit off his brain and suddenly every time he's so concise. Griffin. Hey, smart, good work, good writing, but don't think that came right off the top of the dome. Put the ruler away.

Reading off a pre-prepared document. Go on. Excellent point raised in that pre-prepared statement you just read off computer screen, man. Those are hot takes, and they definitely— Man, I'm going to need some mittens for those takes. Yeah, they're definitely a little too hot to handle, and also it's easy to come up with takes that hot when you take the time to write them in advance. I'm not diminishing your accomplishment, but I want to make it clear, you and I are just riffing, David. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're just going off the top of the dome. We're like jazz musicians. Yeah, exactly. We're going, ba-dum-bam-bam-ba-dum-bam. It's almost, the things we don't say are as important as the things we do. A hundred percent. Especially during fan fiction episodes where you mostly talk about Qui-Gon's penis. Oh, God.

Well, so, you know, we'll be taking a little break. We'll be coming back with a bonus ep early June of the feature-length commentary, our last time watching The Phantom Menace that week. And then we'll be doing Judging the Judge. And after that, I mean, sci-fi is fun to cover. So you know what I'm thinking? IMDb has a feature where movie connections. So you can see, like, other things that are similar.

So we can see if we can find any comparisons here. Let's see here. There's a references section. So apparently Phantom Menace references Casablanca, Citizen Kane, The Wizard of Oz, Metropolis, and the Buster Keaton classic Seven Chances. I did not pick up on any of those references. Yes. But apparently it also references the film Viva Zapata because it features the line wipe them out, all of them. Okay.

Stupid. Let's look up here. Other similar film. Wait a second. What do you got? My guess is one of the similar films to the Phantom Minnesota movie that came after it. There's a section here and it says followed by. Followed

by? Star Wars Episode 2. Well, that one assumes that would have been the title of the failed sequel that was not picked up by a studio or anything like that. Right, Ben? I'd assume so, yeah. Sometimes IMDb has credits for films that are in development.

Yeah, right, exactly. But hold on, this one has a subtitle. It says Attack of the Clones. I'd say, what? That's not a great title. Interesting. And then in parentheses next to it is 2002. So that was when it was the planned release date.

I don't think I would be worked that way. Let me click on this link. What are you talking about, Griffin? By the way, the day we're recording this right now, David pointed out, is the 17th anniversary of the release. 16th anniversary of the release of the Phantom Mass. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You won't be listening to it on that day, but know that we're recording this right now, David pointed out, is the 17th anniversary of the release. 16th. 16th anniversary of the release of the Phantom Mass. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You won't be listening to it on that day, but know that we're doing it that day.

David, release date, May 16th, 2002. Box office gross, $310 domestic? $310. So it probably just played in the one theater. $310 million. Runtime, 142 minutes.

Then you have a legitimately shocked face. Sound Mix, DTS, Dolby Digital, EX, color, 2.35 to 1 aspect ratio. This sounds like a finished movie. There's another movie. There's another movie. There's another Star Wars movie. The whole time under our noses. Who would have thought?

He did it. The crazy bastard did it. The crazy bastard did it. The crazy bastard did it. He pulled it off. Star Wars Episode II, The Phantom Menace. I assume the whole cast is back. Wait, yeah, yeah. Ewan McGregor's Obi-Wan Kenobi, of course.

Natalie Portman as Padme, of course. And then playing the role of Anakin Skywalker, Hayden Christensen. Oh, the guy who was in Life is a House? But that's weird. Other actors are the same, and then suddenly... So is this set significantly in the future? Is Natalie Portman going to be wearing old age makeup? Probably.

Because enough time has passed. Griffin, how much concept of time do you have here? I don't know. That title, Attack of the Clones. Yeah, that's a mediocre title. I would think, though. I mean, what? The breakout star of The Phantom Menace was Darth Maul.

Well, or Garagra. Right. For sure, yeah. Darth Maul dies. He does. So you're just going to... Wait, wait. So we've just discovered there is another Star Wars movie.

I can't... This is crazy. This is huge, by the way. This is insane. We're going to need to clear out... Judging the judge, but then we're going to need to clear out some time to do this. We're going to do Judging the Judge, and then I think we're going to devote another 10 weeks. We're going to become Attack of the Podcast. Attack of the way. This is insane. We're going to need to clear out, judging the judge, but then we're going to need to clear out some time to do this. We're going to do judging the judge, and then I think we're going to devote another 10 weeks. We're going to become Attack of the Podcast.

Attack of the Podcast. There you go. Yeah, we'll do Attack of the Podcast. There's an episode two. That's insane. You know, this actually all seems very familiar. I might have actually been aware of that at the time. I think I just sort of focused so hard on Phantom Menace.

You know, the crazy thing is, now that we're talking about it, I think I might have seen it three times in theaters. And you maybe own a ton of toys related to it, is my brief guess. I might have a whole thing to launch into. But I don't remember anything about it. No, me neither. I don't remember anything about it. But I probably spent upwards of $200 on merchandise because at that point my allowance was greater.

Oh, boy. So my prediction, by the way, is bringing down the Jedi. Jedi corruption is felled by Renegade, Obi-Wan, and Anakin. Yoda is revealed to be the ultimate evil. Yoda is the true villain. Maybe he's working with Sidious. And your prediction is an army of Darth Maul clones being fought by our heroes on probably Gungan grounds. Yeah, and they've got to get the gang back together.

Exactly. They've got to bring back the original team. So it's Queen Amidala. It's maybe even some of the handmaidens. Rick Oliay is in there. Yeah, definitely they've got to get the gang back together. Exactly. They've got to bring back the original team. So it's Queen Amidala. It's maybe even some of the handmaidens. Rick Olié's in there. Yeah, definitely Captain Panaka. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, Jar Jar, R2, C3, TC, Gra Gra, Wado.

Sebulba pops up. All our favorite friends. They all team up. It's the Avengers. That sounds great. We need every character from the Phantom Menace universe to team up. My expectations could not be higher. Because the whole time we're complaining,

ugh, this is a movie pointing to a sequel that never happened. It happened. There was a second Star Wars movie. It happened. And also, I mean, look, fan response was not great at the time of its release. He had to take that constructive criticism to heart. I'm sure he did. I'm sure he took everything that they said to heart,

especially about too much CGI, not enough practical elements in your sets, things like that. I'm sure he was like, you're right, guys. Next time it's going to be a little more tactile. I own all the toys, but I know nothing about it, and I can't wait to crack in. Alright. Okay, and that

was our episode. Tune in next week for our second best of with Attack of the Podcast. And please always rate, review, subscribe, and hey, what do you tell your friends about us, huh, blankies? This episode is actually a great Rosetta Stone into the blankie-verse. So just a nice suggestion for all you lovely people out there in the world. Let's hope 2017 is better.

Yeah. All right. Well, this has been Producer Ben. We have a super cut. All the best TC14 moments to play us out. And on behalf of Griffin, David, myself, we'd like to thank all the fans for your continued support. Thanks, guys.

Bye. Jedis walk in. Yep. They dock. They walk in. They're led to a room by a protocol droid named TC14, I think. What a great character. She's very shiny.

Love her. She looks like nothing. Carry on. We haven't seen anything that looks a great character. She's very shiny. She looks like nothing. Carry on. We haven't seen anything that looks like her before. She's one of a kind. TC-14. This is sort of George Lucas' take on a ditzy secretary. Is that the idea? She's been mind-wiped so many times.

She's sort of like, ooh, ooh, ooh. She does that a lot. She leads them in. Please sit down. Can't remember her own mother's name. OTC1. 1-4. No, no, but her mother's. OTC1, the original, the OG. Exactly. The OT. Yeah, but she... The OTC.

TC14, our favorite lady. She's so smart. Maybe the hottest bitch in the game right now. Oh, she's so smart and sexy. David, do you remember when I told you that I had some bad news? Oh, boy. Yes.

And it was John Fenton. Oh, God. How disappointing could it be? TC-14, we want to meet the actress. Right. Oh, it's a guy. He's a grip. It's his only acting role.

Right? Sure. I've now found out who is the voice of TC-14. Yes. And I have some great news for you. It is better than we ever could have imagined. Is it Olivia de Havilland? TC-14 is played by one of our mutual favorite underrated actresses.

Who? TC-14 is played by the great Lindsay Duncan. Oh, what? She is, oh, Lindsay Duncan is a treasure. But who knew? Wow. The great Lindsay Duncan has three lines as the voice of her robot. That is true. Oh, God.

I just can't. Now, if I... What? You want to... As if I didn't already want to fuck TC-14, now that I know it's Lindsay Duncan. Call me crazy, but I think we'd actually make a good couple. Yeah, you'd make a great couple. Right?

I mean, it depends. I don't know what Lindsay's looking for at this point in her life. If she maybe wants to have a little fun with a younger man. I think she might. And also, I mean, let's be honest. I'm not that much fun. I mean, if she wants to have a little fun with a younger man, I'm the choice. But the idea is sometimes someone older dates someone younger,

and they're like, I can't keep up with him. You can keep up with me. Yeah, you can keep up with me. But you do have to watch a lot of DVDs in your apartment. Yeah, but that's the point. You get to stay on the couch and drink tea, and then you have to watch Chicken Run a bunch. Ooh, Chicken Run.

She might be a voice in Chicken Run for all we know. I hope she's a voice in Chicken Run. I want to fuck that chicken. Jon Fenton is in the suit for TC-14. With that real sort of come hither, Marilyn Monroe-esque. Herky-jerky. Yeah, fuck me physicality.

I mean, he's really playing sort of the eye candy of the movie. I agree. I feel, you know, not conflicted that it was played by a man. It's certainly broadening my sexual horizons because I really, really want to fuck TC-14 with every movement. Oh, boy, skipping straight down to Lindsay Duncan as the voice of TC-14. That's one we really wanted to get to. Like pouring honey on a dick, you know?

Absolutely. My favorite Lindsay Duncan performance is as the voice of TC-14 in the wet dream that I had last night. That is my favorite. All right, so she's a good. She's a great. Okay.

What was the point you were building up to, Ken? Oh, what? Well, you're a professional actor. Yeah. What part would you want most in The Phantom Menace? If you could have any part. Like, what part would you most want to sink your teeth into? Not a joke answer.

No, not a joke answer. I mean, you can give me a joke answer if you want. In the script. In fact, give me your joke answer and then give me your real answer. My joke answer is Grog. Obviously. And my serious answer. Or TC-14's boyfriend, a part you would write into the movie.

And that's where TC-14 being like, these are some Jedis. Fucking hottest shit in the world. The hottest piece in the galaxy. She knows they're Jedis because of their public presentation as hobo people with laser swords. Right, but they do... Is it possible that I didn't get TC-14? Well, did she have a ComTech check? Yes, 100%. She had a figure and she had a ComTech check. Well, it looks like you didn't get her-14? Well, did she have a ComTech check? Yes, 100%.

She had a figure and she had a ComTech check. Well, it looks like you didn't get her, so congrats. Well, great. Fucking $35 spent for nothing. For not. This is awful. This is the worst day of my life. No, it's not.

There's some really good ones here. Oh, you're right. Because saving grace, what's here? A second package. Uh-oh. Oh, my God. A second package. It says fragile on it. What is this David?

I told you I had surprises did I showed up late and you were in the bathroom So you didn't even see I brought this box in you didn't even know it was your planet. I did What what's coming out of this? 12 inch electronic talking 12-inch electronic talking TC-14. I'm going to hold it to the mic. It's very quiet, but it's working. Come on, TC-14.

Come on, Lindsey. That was not picked up by the microphone. Okay, I'm going to listen to it. I'll tell you the phrases. I'm TC-14 at your service. Oh, God, I bet you are. My master will be with you shortly. You're my master, TC-14. Master my body.

We are greatly honored by your visit. Yeah, wait until I visit your vagina. Make yourself comfortable in your vagina. And this way, Ambassador, into my vagina. All right. So that's TC-14. I have a disgusting sexual obsession. Is there like an Ex Machina sequel coming, but it's just about you trying to build a TC-14?

Probably. Yeah. Just to be clear, like I'm not into like submissive treatment of women. That's not like sexually what gets my bag, but TC-14 is not a woman. She's a robot, so I'm really into that. Sexy.