Blank Check with Griffin & David - Count Dooku with Morgan Evans - Attack Of The Podcast

Episode Date: July 20, 2015

This week, Griffin and David with special guest Morgan Evans pick up where they left off last episode (right after Anakin murders men, women and children) and take you, the listener, off to the bug planet of Geonosis! Together, they examine the revelation of Count Dooku, the comic fodder of C3PO, assembly line sequence antics, fighting beasts for entertainment, dark force lightning and please remember everyone pop-ups are for kids!

🎵 I got a great feeling about this. Boo. Hey everybody, welcome to Griffin and David present Attack of the Podcast. I'm Griffin. I'm David. This is a podcast where we talk about Attack of the Clones, which is the second Phantom Menace movie. The second and final Phantom Menace movie.

As far as our research shows. Yeah, and it's a podcast where we're obsessed with and investigate passion projects where people are given complete creative freedom and how that turns out. I was just thinking about a good one,

but now it's left me. It's a carry on, carry on. This is our second mini series. Yeah, yeah. Which is for Attack of the Podcast. And we have a very special guest with us today.

He is a comedian slash filmmaker slash writer slash actor slash blah blah blah blah blah. Ladies and gentlemen, Morgan Evans. Hello. Hey, Morgan. How's it going? Good. Is this podcast as long as the movie? Longer. How long is the

two and twenty? Two and twenty? Did you watch? You had to watch it. I watched it last night. How was it? I'd seen it before. But had you seen it since I watched it last night. How was it? I'd seen it before. But had you seen it since it came out? Yes. Okay. Yeah.

I've watched all six a few times. Okay. I don't know what that means. It's very confusing. Yeah. You've watched all two Star Wars movies. Oh, yeah. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've watched all six movies that have ever been made. So it was Attack of the Clones, Phantom Menace, The Judge, and Star Tours. Yeah. And, yeah, no, I would say that it's been made. So it was Attack of the Clones, Phantom Menace, The Judge, and Star Tours. Yeah, and, yeah, no, I would say that it's not good. Yeah, I agree with you. I mean, we've spent,

this is our fifth episode. We're starting to come around to that opinion. I think we led with this opinion much more cleanly than we did last time. Last time we were like, kind of,

there was a lot of arcs. This time we really started like, not good. There's a lot of just like terrible comedy. Yeah. It's mostly this act. We're looking at this episode we're investigating the big

third act set pieces on the planet Genosis. Once they get to Genosis everything becomes a series of theme park rides. Yeah and we've talked you know we talked about the three major plots. We talked about the clones. We talked about Obi-Wan, I mean, Anakin's angst. And we talked about the romances. And then they all get back together on Geonosis.

Yeah, for a bunch of scenes that don't really have to do with any of those plots. A bunch of hijinks. Yeah, a bunch of hijinks. The movie drops all its important plot threads and ideas for a bunch of crazy mix-em-ups. And this takes place right after Anakin slaughters a bunch of children on Tatterman, right? Essentially the same day.

Yeah. Oh, it's like two hours later. Maybe he took a nap. Yeah. Like, he sleeps it off, and then... He meets the family he never knew he had. Right. They tell him that his mother is gone.

Yeah. He finds her in a cave. She's been raped by aliens. He murders the entire species. Then he takes his mother is gone. Yeah. He finds her in a cave. She's been raped by aliens. He murders the entire species. Then he takes his robot with him. Right. Gets back on a ship. Yeah.

And goes to a sand planet. Wait, well, not the entire species. Well, everyone he can see. The entire tribe. Let's say that tribe. Yeah. Why does he take C-3PO? I forgot.

Is there a reason that he takes C-3PO? No, just because. It's the rule of Jar Jar. Why do they take Jar Jar with them? For kids. No, is there a reason? Because it's literally. NoPO? Just because. It's the rule of Jar Jar. Why do they take Jar Jar with them for kids? Is there a reason? Because it's literally... No, Morgan's right. It's for kids.

It's for kids. But does he say like, hey, 3PO, come with me. I might need you to do a thing. Like, does he have a... No. The most insane thing to me about that entire thing is that he murders all those children and then everyone looks at Anakin and they're like, he's still cool to work with us. He'll still be fine.

And Padme falls deeper in love with him. Yeah. She's like a little shocked, but not enough to not be in love with him. I don't think it's coincidental that before she finds out that he's capable of killing an entire tribe, she's like, we really shouldn't do this. And afterwards, she's like, I love you deeply and truly.

Yeah. And as you say, it, I love you deeply and truly. Yeah. And as you say, it's all 24-hour period pretty much. Oh, it's all like a 45-minute period. Yeah. I'm condensing my timeline every time we bring it up. Yeah, it's like we're on Cleo from 5 to 7. Yeah, it's just like the whole day. Right, exactly. It's the first Cleo from 5 to 7 reference in this podcast, but it won't be the last.

It won't be the last. So, yeah, okay. So, they have their slaughter. Then they get this transmission from Obi-Wan, and he's like, please retransmit this to the Jedi's at the Jedi Temple, at the Jedi Council, and to

Jocasta New, so she can put this in her fucking file. He's like, I've tracked Jango. I followed him. Good job, buddy. Remember two hours ago? I found him. When I fought with him, and then I was like, I'm tracked Jango. I followed him. Good job, buddy. Remember two hours ago? I found him. When I fought with him and then I was like, I'm after him and then you never saw me again. Right. I found him. He's on

some planet called Geonosis. Which is sort of a desert-y kind of planet. It's kind of a Utah, you know. Very different from the other desert planet we've spent. On the Senate floor, it's the one that's just covered in sand. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. And it's ruled by like, bug people. It's all bugs. It's all one that's just covered in sand. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. And it's ruled by, like, bug people.

It's all bugs. Right. It's all bugs. It's like big bugs. Because every other planet we've been to so far has, like, a real mix of species. I suppose so. Yeah. Like, you mean Tatooine has, it's got humans, but it's a motley crew of aliens.

Yeah, water. Yeah, it's like even there's a dominant species. You've got, right, you've got the subterranean water people. Right. This is a very segregated there's a dominant species. It feels integrated. This is a very segregated planet. It's bugs. This is the bug planet. And they have some beasts. Where did the beasts come from? They're pets though. Those aren't people with rights. The bugs are bug

people. Yeah, the bugs are bug people. They're in charge. The bugs own the bugs. The bugs own the bugs. They talk in this click language. They just click at each other. Yeah, it's a bug's life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is kind of cool.

It's a bug's life. This section of the film is a bug's life. It really messed with my perception in terms of how big they all were. I was like, are they normal-sized bugs? And then you don't know until- It takes a while. Until Obi-Wan shows up, and then you're like, oh, I have scale now. I can understand what's happening.

Well, don't you remember that scene where the Genosian warrior is swatting at something by his head and then the camera does a quick zoom in and you see it's a little person flying around? That would be crazy if the whole set piece was like everyone is tiny little specks. I mean, I just saw Ant-Man last night.

Yeah. Serious question. How inspired do just saw Ant-Man last night. Yeah. Yeah. Now, serious question. How inspired do you think Ant-Man was by Attack of the Clones? Because Attack of the Clones was the first movie to really feature insects in a big way. It opens with, it's like there's a John Williams score and the word Star Wars sort of zoomed. That's awesome. And then there's this big scroll that says like Episode 2, Attack of the Clones. It's really, it's almost shot for shot.

Really? Star Wars Episode 2. You saw this last night? Yeah. You went to a It's really, it's almost shot for shot. Really? Star Wars episode two. You saw this last night? Yeah. You went to a screening or you watched it at home? So I went to a screening. You went to a screening. At the AMC Times Square.

And it started with Attack of the Clones. Is that a screening or more of just like the film playing? Yeah. I may have wandered into the wrong room and threw a time tunnel. Can I ask you some more questions about Ant-Man? Ant-Man? Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Was Anakin in a lot? Anakin's like the main character. Really? He's played by Hayden Christensen. It's weird. He's not on the posters. Yeah, I think you just watched Attack of the Clones again, David. Shit.

I think you just watched Clones. Okay. Okay, Bug Planet. Bug Planet. Yeah. It's where all the Separatists are chilling, right? It's like this is where they're plotting. With this mysterious Count Dooku. But this mysterious Count Dooku.

We've got Count Dooku. Here's a new plot thread. He's apparently an ex-Jedi. Yeah. Right. By the way. That's a choice. We're allowed to do that?

He studied under Yoda. Yeah. Studied under Yoda. How much discussion there is of Count Dooku before he shows up? There's like maybe a couple lines. Very little. I feel like they call him the mysterious Count Dooku multiple times. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's just mysterious. That's all we know about him. Right. And he is him the mysterious Count Dooku multiple times. Oh yeah. He's just mysterious.

That's all we know about him. Right and he is in the opening scroll. Right. They say he's broken off these planets. Mysterious Count Dooku. By the way if you're selling a screenplay and you open it up and the first thing that happens is a title that takes up three

pages of backstory that's not in the film, I don't think you could get it made unless you were George Lucas. That's the whole fucking podcast. It's things where people could do whatever the fuck they wanted. Did he sell it? Is it the same as Phantom Menace where he pre-sold the merchandise rights and that's how he funded it? Was it the

same deal? I think this might have... Was Fox more involved this time? No, no, no. He definitely self-financed it. I don't know if there was as rich a toy deal in advance. Phantom Menace was specifically for that movie. Yeah. It might have been money left over. But it was self-financed.

Fox had nothing to do with it. They were just distributing it. We got to talk about it. So Count Dooku, he's talked about in The Crawl. There's the scene where Jocasta New finger blasts him. But other than that, there's not- Recounts him finger blasting her. No, she finger blasts him. Okay, fine. Yeah. They cut that in the middle of the movie. Yeah, it was weird. Yeah's not. He recounts him finger blasting her. No, she finger blasts him.

Okay, fine. Yeah. They cut that in the middle of the movie. Yeah, it was weird. Yeah. Where she just finger blasts his penis hole. Are you talking about finger blast? Is that when the lightning comes? Is that when you use the force and there's lightning? Is that finger blasting? Yeah, exactly. Oh, that's great. Yeah, she finger blasts into his penis

hole. She shoots lightning up his pee hole. Griffin, please. Help us. He's like, please, I'm here. I'm on Geonosis. And then you see he's caught in some sort of lightning cage. The lamest lightning. He's in a lightning torture.

There's like sort of blue blur around his arms and he's kind of like. Oh, he's floating. Yeah, he's floating and he's sort of slumped forward. It doesn't look. It's the sort of blue blur around his arms and he's kind of like Oh, he's floating. Yeah, he's floating and he's sort of slumped forward. It doesn't look... It's the CGI carbonite. Yeah. I don't know what that's referencing either. You're using a lot of very strange terms on this episode. Carbon,

I know. Are you saying this is like an environmental movie? Like a pencil? Carbon footprint? Like a pencil? Yeah, exactly. You're saying he's caught in a pencil? Yeah, sure. Yes. Yeah, whatever. Well, yeah caught in a pencil? Yeah, sure. Yes. Okay, yeah, whatever. Well, yeah, but this is the thing. He doesn't even really seem stressed out, Obi-Wan.

He's kind of just like, you know, and Dooku like chats with him. When Dooku is like- This is the first appearance of- First time he's appeared on screen. And Dooku cannot even- Played by Christopher Lee. The great Christopher Lee. R.I.P. The great, late Christopher Lee.

The late, great Christopher Lee. Definitely his best role. Yeah, this. The great, late Christopher Lee. The late, great Christopher Lee. Definitely his best role. Yeah, this is... Probably, yeah. I think it might be his best role of his latter day renaissance, where he just started popping up in movies. So we're talking about Saruman. I don't, I think, I don't know. I don't like Lord of the Rings at all.

I don't really love the Lord of the Rings movies. He's pretty fun in them. I think he's really good as Dr. Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. That is such a strange digression in the film. It's my favorite digression. He is pretty fun. That's the fifth movie ever made. Yeah.

Right. The remake of a movie that didn't exist. I just think it's two hours of no one knowing what they're doing in this movie. Really looking like they're lost acting against green screens and then he just walks in and he gets this dialogue that's just as bad but he's like it's just putty in his hands and his mouth putty in his mouth. My big takeaway

re-watching this time was that a lot of these set pieces we'll talk about very shortly are clearly Hayden Christensen alone on a green screen stage. And Lucas just being like, no, Hayden, so there's a droid arm and it's coming at you. And he's like, I don't know where to look.

It feels like they were so poorly directed that they don't. Because if you're doing, especially nowadays, there are a lot of scenes where it's like one actor alone on a green screen reacting to nothing. But they give the actors sight lines. Yeah, things to play with. They put an actor in there. They put a ping pong ball on a green screen reacting to nothing. But they give the actors sight lines. Yeah, things to play with. They put an actor in there. They put a ping pong ball on a stick. Right.

Or they build a robotic arm that's green so that they can replace it with a robotic arm that looks the way they want it to. Whatever they do. And this, it just seems like George going like, okay, so now there are a lot of bullets flying at you. And it's like, from what direction? I don't know.

This is the other thing. Jedi powers are so, you know, they just kind of wave their lightsaber around and they deflect all the laser beams. Like, you know, they just kind of wave their lightsaber around and they deflect all the laser beams. Like, you know, it's all cartoon. But it all just looks like they're like jumping and dodging like at random moments. There's no correlation. And then it's just being drawn in around them.

And he did the animation afterwards. But it's like he was like, well, what she's doing doesn't really sync up. But I had already pre-vis. Like he had in his head how he wanted to look. They acted a different way to a different timing because he didn't give them good guidelines. And then he just animated it the way he wanted to because he hates people,

because he hates human beings. Because he's a bug person. He's a bug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The genosians, that's George Lucas talking about himself. But my takeaway was fucking Christopher Lee, like at this point,

an 81 year old man. Very old. Is he that old? He just died and he died in his 90s. All right, fair 81-year-old man. Very old. Is he that old? He just died, and he died in his 90s. All right. Fair enough. So this film was 13 years ago. All right.

Sure. So late 70s, early 80s, somewhere around there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was over 90 when he died. So he's grandpa age, right? And he's playing off this green screen like a fucking boss. His reaction shots are unbelievable. And when he's up in his little balcony viewing Vagina Box.

Yeah, watching the monster gladiator. Like a Morton Joe. Yeah, like a Morton Joe. That's the sixth movie. That's the sixth movie. Oh, I thought... Oh, yeah. What about the ring, though?

I don't know what you're talking about. Like the ring that Anakin gives to Padme at the end of the movie when they get married? No, the ring that they fight in, the fighting ring. The fighting ring, and then there's also the wedding ring. It's thematic. The rings are a recurring symbol at the end of it. Yeah, she puts a ring on his robot hand, and he puts a ring on her non-robot hand. How do we know it's not a robot hand, though?

How do we know her hand's not a robot hand? God, if you only got to make the third movie. Can you imagine where it would have gone? Big twist. She's got a robot hand, too. She's got a robot hand, too. There's a nice foreshadowing, too, when they're make the third movie Can you imagine where it would have gone? Big twist! She's got a robot hand too! There's a nice foreshadowing too when they're on the droid factory line Yeah, and his arm gets like

stapled basically by I guess a droid construction machine My favorite line happens in the droid assembly line. Which is? C-3PO walks in and he goes Machines making machines? Like now I've seen, Machines making machines? Like, now I've seen everything, you know? Like, you haven't...

Machines make machines now. It's true. It's not really science fiction. Yeah, that happened, like, as soon as Ford came around. You have to remember, this was a long time ago. It's true, in a Galaxy of Far Far Away. This movie was a long time ago. My favorite line is when C-3PO just says,

I'm so confused. Yeah, when he's got his head on a... What about when his head's being dragged and he goes, Oh, what a drag. Yeah, I wrote that down. I don't want to forget it at all. Guys, there is so much... We will get to the bizarre inclusion of, yeah,

that like 10 minutes of C-3PO. So much comedy in this movie. I honestly think it's for kids. I think there's so much heavy that's true talk about shit like I mean like Phantom Menace has it like all the way through

Jar Jar Jar you know like whereas this has not had it so yeah let's give them a concentrated dose up until this point the film has been

very mature well like in the A.O. Scott review of it he was saying that you get this distinct feeling that's like will this be on the test you know like

at the beginning of the movie, it's like, well, the moon of Naboo, and you're like, what the fuck? Like, is that important? Like, you guys have been talking for 15 minutes about something, and I have no idea what's going on. And then so I think you need C-3PO being like, I'm so confused to be like, oh, okay.

Someone gets it. Someone gets it by not getting it. Yeah, exactly. Someone else doesn't understand what's happening. Well, I mean, at this point, Dooku ends up being, I would say, the dominant villain of the film. By the end of the movie, he's the number one villain. Of course. Is there another villain?

Well, he's building the Death Star. Yeah, I mean, Jango. It's that red, shiny laser thing that comes out of his compact. That's an interesting nickname you gave it. Yeah, it's a great name. I'd call it a killer ship. That's what I would call it, having only seen the blueprints more again.

Right, right. Well, what's interesting to me is that I think it's implied that the bug people designed the weapon, right? That's what they do. Yeah. That's kind of weird. Bugs?

They're real smart. Yeah, like why did the bug people get diverted into building robots and ultimate weapons? I don't know, they build anthugs? They're real smart. Yeah, like why did the bug people get diverted into building like robots and ultimate weapons? I don't know, they build ant hills. They're good at building stuff. I'm still confused about how the tiny bug people are smart, but the big bugs don't speak or anything. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, because Poggle the Lesser talks. Poggle the Lesser. But the other ones just go like. Yeah, they go. Yeah, they don't even make like syllables. Yeah, one is like a normal praying mantis that's large.

Right. And with almost like a beard, like he has sort of humanoid features. One of them has like a mustache. Yeah,

it's all a little Fu Manchu, I guess. I never really thought about this because this movie is way less racist than The Phantom Menace,

but that's not like an achievement. Yeah, you know what, let's take a break to commend Georgie Porg. Yeah, yeah,

he definitely like pulled back. He throwed it down a lot. I mean, I dig the romance aspect of it. That's what carries me through. You should have been on last week's episode. I feel like it's the Degrassi of it. That's an interesting angle. The first one is a nice origin story about kids.

It's like a kids movie. And then you got Degrassi High, and that's this. That's Anakin and Zodman. Te got Degrassi High and that's this. That's, you know, Anakin and Superman. Teens fumbling in romance. Do you think the third one would have been

like Last Tango in Naboo? You mean if they made a third one? Yeah. Like if they were able to? Do you think that's what it would have been? Hypothetically.

I would think it'd be more Terms of Endearment. Really? Oh, wow. Tragedy. Well, I mean, they cut forward 10 years so let's say they're not

going to cut forward like 40 years. You're right. That's totally true. Recast again. Tragedy. Well, I mean, they cut forward 10 years, so let's say they're not going to cut forward like 40 years. You're right. That's totally true. Recast again. But keep Natalie Portman somehow, just all the way through. And also third film, you'd be closing out. It's a trilogy.

You only make three films. Three is enough. Three is the perfect number. It's a magic number. And there's a story they're building too. There's some sort of arc to all of this. I don't know what it is. Right, but you assume in a third film he would have made it all clear.

Like, hindsight's 20-20. Absolutely. The third film definitely would have wrapped everything up really satisfyingly with no trouble at all. Yeah. We would have understood why they spent so much time on booba fat. You know, like things like that. All these weird little side tracks. Yeah. That don't go anywhere go anywhere yeah yeah um can we get back to the main plot okay so obi-wan is in the yeah right in the force thing and dooku who like just talk about mr x right like

you're thinking the test cypher ds has been mentioned so much like watch this movie you go cypher ds is the villain right like they said he's dead it turns out he's not really still don't know who that is we don't know no effort to explain what they're talking about and also they give him the most like confusing name where you're like cypher is that he's his name but he's like the kaiser soze i thought it was like a part they needed they need us uh we need a cypher ds for show. Anyway, you're right. They keep talking about this guy who never shows up. Right. Yeah.

Sendoku is like, well, they talked about him a few times, but in very vague terms, it's like he used to be a Jedi. Now he's the Count. Now he's doing good stuff. Right. Which just, I thought it was like a lifelong commitment. I thought it's like, you know, once you give your life to the church, then you're like in it for good.

Apparently you can just retire if you get a better job offer. Well, they recruit you when you're a baby. They do. They raise you. They tell you you can't fuck. That's true. And then if you're like 65, you can find a way to fuck. Dooku fucks.

Dooku fucks. Did they kick him out? Did he retire? Did he find a hot piece he wanted to jump on? Do you think he fucks bug people? Is that why he's there? Possibly. He definitely fucked Jakostan.

Because we know that. We know that. We know that. We know that for 100% certainty. But now he's on a planet with bug people who all seem to be male. Not to stereotype but none of these bug people seem to identify as female. True.

But wait, beyond that point he didn't really get it. Well, he did kind of get a new job. But he's like the leader of all this. He's like the separatist king. Yeah. Now he's on a planet with bug people in an arena made out of vaginas. Sure. Made out of

openings. Yeah. And then there's the bug people, there's the trade federal, what are they? You know, the Neimoidians. Neimoidians, yeah. They're still around. Yeah. They're hanging out with him a lot. They're like close buddies. There's like a green robot guy who like... Wat Tambor. Yeah, who has like... Brother of Jeffrey Tambor.

And he's like unified many people, right? This is the idea. Right, and they're looking at this killer ship. They're looking, and they want to get this, what did you call it? This is the most dense shit I've ever heard. It's the densest movie of all time. Yeah, but like even having seen it a bunch of times-

We talk about this movie so in such detail, it's ridiculous. I mean, I've seen- The film barely tells us anything. You watched it last night. Yeah, I've seen it a bunch of times. We talk about this movie so in such detail, it's ridiculous. I mean, I've seen it. The film barely tells us anything. You watched it last night. Yeah, I've seen it a bunch of times, but like I would still never know to call them Nemodians. Like, is that something you Google?

I mean, we've been doing this for months now. We've been doing this for a long time now. That's the thing. And even every week we have to like correct what we said the last week because it turns out we already got things wrong. Right. Yeah, of course. It's so hard to keep it straight.

Right. We will watch the film. It's like Scientology. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Tons of new verbs and nouns and stuff you have to know. Morgan's getting really into Scientology. Morgan, move to LA.

Morgan's moving to LA. He thinks he's into Scientology at a safe distance. He thinks he's just interested. They call me every day. Yeah. You're about to get totally absorbed by this. This podcast is going to be the last recording of you as a free man. Yeah, they're going to sue us and make us scrub all of this. Guys, all I'm saying is that Scientology

isn't that bad. I mean, it's just basically like, you know, just feeling good about yourself and then everything works out okay, right? Isn't that all Scientology? Morgan, your girlfriend is an actress. And your girlfriend Robin and I

were on the same shoot together like two months ago and we talked about you the entire time because both of us were concerned that you were going to get lost to Scientology we were like

do we have a responsibility to stop this from happening sorry I didn't mean to bring up Scientology this is a huge tangent but I did take five hours of diabetic audit classes

for fun because you were like I'm just interested I just want to look into I was going clear with Neil Casey and I walked out and I was like am I'm just interested. I just want to look into it. I was seeing Going Clear with Neil Casey and I walked out and I was like,

am I the only one who came out of that going like this? I want to do this? And he was like, yeah. You are the only one. You're the only one who went, this sounds good.

I think Tom Cruise came out of that being like, I don't know if this is a good idea. Tom Cruise is now allegedly leaving Scientology because of the effect of Going Clear. And you saw the movie

and were like, I got to look into this stuff. Yeah, I heard it was over. I. Yeah, I heard it was over. I'll admit, I am the person who saw Super Size Me and left that thinking, God, McDonald's, I could really right now eat some McDonald's. It's so good, but that's the difference. McDonald's is objectively the best food.

In that movie, he eats, remember he eats the Big Mac or the Happy Meal or whatever, and then he throws up outside of the car. It made me hungry. Yeah, I was like, yeah. I'd eat that throw up. Those fries. I feel this way about like watching this and wanting to make a movie still.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a great argument against never make a movie again. Movies shouldn't exist. Alright, wait a second. I want to talk about this scene where Obi-Wan is floating because Dooku comes out and I feel like after all this misinformation, he's like

here's who I am. Here's what's going on with me. He doesn't lie. But he acts like he's on Obi-Wan's side. He's like, this is terrible. I had no idea. He does. We have to fix this immediately. But he also is like, Sifo-Dyas is a pawn. I'm under the

control of a Sith Lord called Darth Sidious. A dead pawn. We can weakening at burning him. He doesn't lie. Yeah. He's just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what's actually going on. But he acts like he's a buddy. He does.

He tells him the truth in a buddy way. But I think if Obi-Wan was like, you know what? I'm with you. He'd be like, great. Let's do it. That's what he's trying to get him to do. He's trying to Scientology him. Would you say there are many twists in the Star Wars universe?

Yeah. Bag of pretzels. Yeah. Get them at the 50s diner. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, we talked a lot about the 50s diner. I heard it.

You were listening to that episode. We're going to do two more episodes just on the diner. I swear to God. It's so funny. I love everyone's accent in these movies. It's like, oh, you're from England. You're from the Bronx. You're from space Bronx.

One order of space eggs coming up. Get your New York, I mean, space times. Obi-Wan's on a lightning ride. Dooku's like, here's what's going on, but I'm your friend. Sure. Come over with me. And Obi-Wan's like, no's what's going on, but I'm your friend. Sure. Come over with me.

And Obi-Wan's like, no, I'm a Jedi. Right. I don't quit just because there's some nice piece of pussy for me to chase after. Bug pussy. Like you, Dooku, you and your bug pussy. And he's like, they don't have pussies. That's why they build them out of stone. All of this happens in the film.

Yep. All this dialogue is said out loud. Verbatim. So he's like, fine, then I'll leave you be. Yeah. Then, yeah, he just leaves, and then in the next scene, is Obi-Wan just chained to a giant pillar? Is there anything in between those two things? Yeah, no, there's some serious cuts where you're like,

what happened in between that scene? Joy factor. So he's in the lightning thing. Then you see Anakin and Padme land. They're like, here it is. He goes, look, some exhaust. They see exhaust coming out of tubes. Sure, yeah, still on oil They like see exhaust coming out of like tubes.

Sure, yeah. And they're like, we should land there. Yeah. That's their thing. Like, oh, that's a good place to land. Yeah, on a planet, by the way. Right, on a planet. It's a planet. They see exhaust and they're like, oh, there must be a factory.

What if they landed on the other side of the planet by mistake? Yeah. And they're like, oh, shit, we got to go 40,000 miles that way to go find Obi-Wan. Every planet in these two movies. It's like they have one parking lot And everyone's like great put us right there It's like every planet is like Canada Where it's like 10% is populated And the rest of it's just wilderness

Well it is another hot desert planet So yeah they go into the bug land and then yeah they wander Okay so they see the exhaust they're like park where the exhaust is Don't keep on driving try to find where people are No sure why would you do that Then they find a random door Yep this is all correct I rewatched it just to make sure it was driving trying to find where people are. No, sure. Why would you do that? Then they find a random door. Yep, this is all correct. I rewatched it just to make sure it was this random and coincidental.

And the movie is just like, come on. My question is, do they have a navigation thing? Are we supposed to assume that they have some sort of map? No, there's no discussion. Somebody knows where that is? Absolutely not. No, Anakin just sees the Exile. Well, then that's Jedi stuff then, right?

Jedi intuition. Yeah. That must be what it is. There's people. Well, that's Jedi intuition for sure, knowing what smoke means. It's a famous old Jedi saying. Yeah. Where there's smoke, there's people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That old Jedi adage. I feel like I buy it. That's not concerning to me. I feel like, I mean, if you can sense that somebody's dying on a foreign planet, then you should be able to find the goddamn door.

Sure. To get to them. But they're really far off. Like, they're not anywhere close to where he is. No, they have, there's one droid factory in between where they need to be

and where, where is the real, I don't know. To get there, you have to go through a droid factory. Well, Padme says something very important right before

they walk through the door. She's like, I'd love to do some diplomatic negotiations here. She's like, be good. I'm a senator. I'm here. Maybe I can talk to the people, do some diplomatic negotiations. Now let's open this door. Oh, it's a droid factory.

And then they just fall into a conveyor belt. Right. It just becomes a level of Super Mario. It becomes the first scene in Edward Scissorhands. Yeah. It becomes the opening credit sequence where the whole process, and then it turns out you're just making a cookie.

Right. It also reminded me a lot of, released three years earlier, there's a very similar sequence in Galaxy Quest. Yes, that's true. It's almost a joke where they're like, why are there blades here? This doesn't make any sense.

The joke is, why is this timed at such a random order? The joke in Galaxy Quest is, the TV show was shitty, the aliens have rebuilt the ship based off of the TV show. There's no reason the pillar should be dropping and the smoke should be shooting out at those moments. And she's like like whoever wrote this

is an asshole yeah well I mean Galaxy Quest is like the greatest movie ever made oh it's one of the best yeah if not the best are they bringing that back

that's what I heard they fucking should yeah I heard there was a sequel do we need do we need to can we not just it is kind of perfect

doesn't Galaxy Quest end so well why not is my philosophy on anything this is why you're moving to L.A. You're going to ruin everything.

You're going to become a Scientologist. You're going to be like, why not? You're going to reboot everything. Well, because then it exists and no one needs to see it. But you have the option to. Why not make it so that no one can watch it? What a stirring sentiment. You have the option to see it.

You don't have to. I like the first SpongeBob movie. Did anyone see the second? Second one's great. Second one's good. First one's great. Well, I'll never know. It's really good.

You should see it. First one's really good, though. Did you see the second one? I haven't seen it. It's really, really good. I kind of like it more than the first one. Okay. I'm meaning to see it.

I can see it on video. I'll say I want to publicly use my platform here to say this to everybody. The live action cgi superhero stuff in the movie is the last 15 minutes right all the stuff that was like they totally so much of that yeah the first 85 of the movie is just a classic spongebob movie it's about spongebob and plankton on a road trip together it's fucking great that sounds awesome and then the superhero stuff is great when it happens but it's not the majority of the movie my roommate is is can is always convinced that uh my brother is like exactly like squid that my brother is exactly like Squidward.

Your brother is exactly like Squidward. Yeah, in his demeanor. Right, you've met my brother. Yes. So we always call him Squidward. Anyway, that's just... Who's the Squidward in Star Wars? The little bug man with the large nose who flies around in...

Oh, Watto. Yeah, Watto. Yeah, yeah. That's Squidward, right? My best friend. The pod racing guy. You know, Watto is Griffin's favorite Star Wars character. It's my favorite Star Wars character.

Really? Yeah, the flying space Jew? Yeah, the flying space Jew slaver. Yeah. Anyway. He sells junk. He owns slaves. He's Anakin's father.

That's my big theory is that he's Anakin's father. This is a serious... Because Anakin's penis looks like Watto's nose. That's my theory. I've restated that now for the fifth time on this show. Do we have anything to say about the conveyor belt with Anakin and Padme? Yeah, well, the most important thing happens here. There's nothing to say about it.

So they're fucking jumping around, avoiding things. Yeah, yeah, there's like blades, chop, chop. They clearly don't know what's coming. George is yelling very vague direction. No, no, Natalie, it's a droid factory. What does that mean, George? Just react like you're in a droid factory. At one point, Padme falls into like a smelting jar.

That's what I love about that part. She's just like, I'm in a big ball now. It's like a giant pestle and mortar, you know? There is a lot of good, I think, cutting there. Like I think that there's, you know, it's kind of interesting. You think the lava is going to drop on her. So you're speaking as a filmmaker.

Yeah, I think there's some interesting stuff going on cinematically. I would say not thematically or plot-wise, but definitely in the way they're cutting it, you're like, oh, shit, she's going to get covered in goo, and then it's fine. We talked a lot on Phantom Menace about how George Lucas likes the no-talky, the action. It's like a Chaplin, like, modern times.

It's very Chaplin-y or Harold Lloyd or whatever. It's hijinx-y. It's hijinx-y. When she's falling in bowls, he's getting his hand caught in a metal thing. Like you say, yeah. It's great. I love it. You love it.

I do love it. But when C-3PO stumbles on. See, this is the important thing to talk about. So why did they, because they enter later, C-3PO and R2-D2. They're following but way behind because they're really slow. They're slow, yeah. C-3PO just falls in. Like, does R2 actually push him in?

Well, C-3PO and Anakin are talking on the ship before they disembark. And they're having a weird fight. But we can't really understand what's being said because R2 doesn't speak English. That's true. So R2's going like, beep, beep, beep, beep. And C-3PO's like, of course I'm going. That's my job. See, it's funny, too, who gets subtitles and who doesn't.

Yeah. There's a lot of subtitles in this film. There's a ton of subtitles. And then R2 is still just unintelligent. Yeah, we're just supposed to base all of everything. It's just on how people are reacting to it, my guy. And I feel like that can be done. It is not done in this film.

Yeah. Like, C-3PO's response is, don't make it clear what R2 has said, other than that he's offended. But he's, like, getting pissy with him. It seems like R2's giving him some guff, right? Yeah. And he's like, oh, okay.

And they don't really know each other. They've kind of just met. I mean, they met very... No, they didn't meet on Tatooine. This is the first time they met, and they're automatically Fast enemies Yeah

Yeah Okay so just It seems like there's a little bit of irritation Between the two of them Well it's like when you have a robot And your friend has a robot And you're like Oh our robot should be friends

It's like just because they're robots Yeah that's offensive Doesn't necessarily mean They should be friends I know it's true You're a robot You're a robot But you guys have a lot to talk about

Like how you can't fuck You don't even speak the same language You can't fuck Okay so They're falling behind them Right Then C-3PO's looking over the ledge You're a robot. You guys have a lot to talk about, like how you can't fuck. You don't even speak the same language. You can't fuck. Okay, so they're falling behind them. Right. Then C-3PO's looking over the ledge where they've fallen and they're going through the whole Buster Keaton routine. Right.

And they're just watching. He's like, oh no, how terrible. Machines making machines. What's next? And then R2 comes up behind him and hits him, right? What's Ben looking at? Yeah, Ben is looking up C-3PO jokes. Oh, I see.

You're looking up C-3PO jokes?okes4Us.com Oh I see You're looking up C3PO jokes? It looks like the most 90's old website It does I bet you were looking up like quippy one liners to say Well quickly

before you say anything This of course They're gonna check in with me at some point so I had to have some great quips This is our new segment This is Joke Corner

from Producer Ben aka Perdure Ben aka Benducer aka The Haas aka Mr. Positive aka hello fennel yeah there's really nothing Ben no there's not yeah you haven't found anything I have to

I have to keep looking but joke corner we've been setting up joke corner for five weeks and you haven't found one fucking joke just say what a drag it's a boy this Star Wars what a drag anyway so see through PO gets shoved A drag. Boy, this Star Wars, what a drag. Anyway, so C-3PO gets shoved into the thing. Well, first, it's just a little tap.

And C-3PO's like, oh, R2, please, you almost knocked me over. And then R2's like, oh, good idea. Yeah, it's true. He tried to murder him. Why does he do this? That is intense. Why does he do it? They had like a five second disagreement on a ship. Well, you would think maybe it would pay off.

Like, oh, he needed him to fall into the droid thing because it does this later thing where it shuts down the droid. Doesn't, no. No, it was to kill him. Yeah, he's literally just trying to kill this guy. R2 reveals previously unnoticed jets in his legs. Yeah, he can fly. He can fly. Why is he, he's got the slowest wheels in the world.

This whole fucking, these two moves, you have to wait for R2 to get there. Someone probably wasn't able to check a bag because they had to bring R2. Yeah! And he could have flown the entire time. He could have flown! Padme's got some crazy luggage. I wasn't able to check a bag! She's like, I need my headdress box, you know? Oh my god. That's why she's running around without one of those crazy things on. Yeah, he was late! She was late to the airport because of R2.2 turns out he can fly the whole time so he pushes him over and then he just

starts flying he just flies over the act and just yeah i guess he no he does stop the lava from uh spewing all over padme getting in her bowl getting in her cereal yeah he yeah but almost by accident right yeah he's like fiddling around with a computer. Again, we don't really get what R2's motivations are. Yeah, he like puts, I thought, yeah, he's, R2's kind of, he has an appendage. He puts his little robot thing,

yeah, his little robot finger. Right, he's got robot penises and jetpacks. I love that security in the Star Wars universe is just so minimal. Not existing. Like, you can just hack it

if you have a shitty computer. Buy one of these robots. Yeah. And that's it. You can get through everything. Yeah. Like, what's R2 supposed to be? He's a

hyperdrive repair droid from the first movie. And he does navigation. He helped out Anakin in the Naboo Starfire. He fits in your ship. But he's also a black hat hacker. He also, in minutes, can hack into the like, this is where

they make the droids. He's a classic Chris Hemsworth type. He's here. Yeah. It's almost like, why don't you just flip a switch and make all those droids good? Yeah.

Or maybe just off. Just hit a whole, everything off. Right. Not just the lava. Yeah. This movie is weirdly concerned with what it takes to build an army.

Like most war movies are about the cost of war and all the soldiers we lose. Yeah. And in this movie, they're like, oh no, no, no. The warriors are just things you make.

It doesn't matter who dies. Who cares? That is the only real justification of this scene is that we've already seen the clones being made and filing off into their ships. So here we are. This is the other side. This is where the droids come from. This is where the droids come from. It's fascinating.

Henosis is your droid planet. Do you think that this movie is an allegory for 9-11 and what happened afterwards? Yes. I think that this movie is a really shitty analogy for the general politics of the era. Particularly when they put- Saber rattling. Yes, exactly. And they put all the power in the hands of that other old white guy who's not Dooku.

Palpatine. There's a lot of fear mongering. There's a lot of like, if we don't have an army, things are going to get bad. We have to be first. a lot of fear mongering. There's a lot of like, if we don't have an army, things are going to get bad. We have to be first. And Jar Jar is like just representative of all like foolish politicians who like buy into this line of argument. And the reason it's a bad allegory, I think, is because they do have a huge army. Yeah. So they would need one. Yeah. Whereas we had a huge one and they had like 12 guys. Yeah, it's true. What if

we got to Afghanistan? There's so many holes in the whole thing. Because they seem to not want these separatists who Dooku leads to leave the Republic. Why? Let them leave. They seem like annoying troublemakers. Also, you have enough planets. There are so many planets.

Oh my god. I guess it's the dark side. They know it's probably being run by the dark side. Although they keep saying, it's like, as Jedis, we should have seen this coming. Yeah. They're like, yeah, wasn't that convenient for the plot? They say that an awful lot.

Yeah. Well, Dooku's not just a fucking politician. He's a Sith. Yeah, well, but he's kind of revealing that right now to Obi-Wan. Yeah, that's true. Like, that is unclear. That's like the twist. A twist for a character we only met five minutesan. Yeah, that's true. Like, that is unclear. It's like the twist. A twist for a character

we only met five minutes earlier. Yeah, exactly. He's like, and by the way, I'm, yeah, and he never calls himself Darth Tyrannus. Right. The only person who calls him

Tyrannus is Dooku in passing when he's not there. Yeah. And apart from that, he's just Dooku. I mean, it's Jango, I think I said Dooku. Jango calls him Tyrannus.

Yeah. I'm losing my fucking mind. The man who hired me was a man called Tyrantus. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, whatever. On the nose. Last time Sidious is apprentice with Darth Maul.

This time he's upgraded to a much older man. It's always great to have an apprentice who's 20 years older. Yeah, exactly. Wait, he was a Jedi. Now he's a count. He's got to be someone's fucking apprentice. It's true. He's also a count. I's got to be someone's fucking apprentice? It's true. He's also a count.

I guess that's different from... I don't know. I mean, you'd think he'd get grandfathered into being a Sith master. I think we would be mad about this more if Christopher Lee wasn't so good. We're just like, oh, he's the villain. We get it. His reaction shots are so good. He's reacting to nothing, and he's so understated.

All right, we have to move through, past this droid bullshit. But wait, you missed the biggest point. What about C-3PO? Okay, right. Getting his head swapped. C-3PO gets his head put on a droid. Because his machinery is clearly compatible. Exactly.

All you need to do is go like, and then that's it. Everyone uses the same UCB. USB 2.0. Fuck me. UCB comedy. Yay. Thank you for hosting us. Speaking of a droid assembly line. USB 2.0 fuck me UCB comedy yay thank you for hosting us

speaking of a droid assembly line yeah I found one of the jokes oh great joke corner yep it's joke corner

so C-3PO is like die Jedi dogs oh what did I say cause he's wearing the other robot's body

he gets confused yeah right he's shooting but he's also. Yeah, right. He's shooting but he's also C-3PO. Now that's classic comedy. But also his head is separate too and also C-3PO

a little bit. He's half and half. He's half and half. His head falls off and they're both him. His head falls off, he's looking for the head, he wanders into the perfect spot so that the assembly line which is automated to only drop heads at a certain point will drop his head at that moment, gives him a battle droid head, he wanders into the perfect spot so that the assembly line, which is automated to only drop heads at a certain point, will drop his head at that moment, gives him a battle droid head,

then it picks up his head and places it on a battle droid. Because its head was... Did it fall into a bucket of heads? It fell into a head bucket. That's right. So now there's a battle droid that thinks it's C-3PO and a C-3PO that thinks it's a battle droid.

Kind of. Sort of. It's sort of like the Jar Jar thing in episode one where it's like they kind of fall over, but then they shoot someone, right? Like it's sort of a lot of hilarious coincidence. It's sort of like Face Off. Yeah, it's a lot like Face Off. It's basically exactly like Face Off. Also, like, let's build a lot of shitty clones.

Yeah. Just as a plot. Right. Like, why don't we build bad robots that are easy to beat? Right. That's why we need

a clone army because the robots are too bad. Okay, so Droid Factory line. I mean, they like suck at being robots.

Like, they're terrible. They're the worst robots. We haven't even got to the fact that on this, you know, the manner of execution

that they decide for Anakin. Okay, so they make it through the droid factory. Yay, we beat the level. Let's lower the flag and rescue Princess Peach. And then they go, nope. We caught you. Like a different series of bugs are like, we got you. It's true. And also, Anakin loses his lightsaber.

His lightsaber is cut in half. More foreshadowing. I wrote this line down too. He goes, after all that, which is the most frightening experience of anyone's life, I would think, he loses his lightsaber, and then he almost looks in the camera and goes, Obi-Wan is going to kill me. That is right. He also says, not again. Not again.

He keeps losing the lightsabers. He's losing them. So his lightsaber's cut in half. If he was a cop, he'd be off the force. So he's off the force. You lost your gut again? And you fell in love with your, you know, your person you were guarding. Okay, that's it, Skywalker.

I want your lightsaber and your rat tail on my desk immediately. What's Ben looking up? He just, like, loaded porn. No, it's a pop-up that came up. All right. Guys, guys, we gotta get to the Glide Nader fighting. I'm trying to do my job, you guys do your job. Hey, save it for the fan fiction up. Guys, guys, we gotta get to Glideander fighting. You guys do your job. Save it for the fan fiction episode.

Oh boy, you're right. This isn't fan fiction. They make it through the whole level. This whole movie's fan fiction. Yeah, exactly. George Lucas is the biggest Star Wars fan in the world. True. They make it through the whole level.

They make it through the level. Instead of getting the prize. They beat the boss. They beat the boss, They beat the boss. They're chained up and they go, come this way. Sure. Yeah. And then they have this confession that we talked about before where they, Padme finally

admits that she loves him. You're like, what's going on? They're in a chariot, right? Yeah. I guess it's, and remember, Newt Gunray is always like, how are we going to kill Padme? He's really excited to kill Padme. He really wants to kill Padme. They're like, we've captured the senator. And he's like excited to kill Padman. He really wants to kill Padman. They're like we've captured the senator

and he's like oh boy. Yeah. Right. Yeah. They have the love. We talked a lot about the love. Last week was love. Love the love.

Yeah. So good. Well it looks like our lives are about to end. My life is already about to end. What do you mean? I love you. But you said you couldn't love. You said it would destroy our lives.

I think our lives are about to be destroyed. It's just. It's just, it's just, you know. It's real. It's screwball patter. It just bounces between them like a, you know. Yeah, like a ping pong ball. The doors open up. What?

It's an arena. Oh. And Dooku and Jango Fett and New Gunray and some bug people are there. All our old friends all in one place. And Obi-Wan's tied to a pillar. What? How much do you think tickets cost to that? Eight bug coins.

This is my question. Pogo the Lesser has like armor. Sure. He's able to speak in sentences. This is the leader of the bugs. Right. Everyone else seems to be of the same status. Like everyone else seems to be like a worker and a warrior.

They're peasants, right. They have no clothes. They have no like armor or anything. But they can fly. Butants, right. They have no clothes. They have no, like, armor or anything. But they can fly. But they can fly. They can fly pretty good, which would be fine. But everyone in the audience looks exactly the same. Yeah, well, wasn't it just kind of clip art?

Yeah, can you imagine if you lost your bug wife? You'd be like, Deborah! Is that Deborah? Click. Deborah. Click if you can hear me. Yeah, Deborah. Ah, you look just like my wife, Deborah.

Damn. Do they regularly have these arena battles? And do they just have like a backlog of humans? They've got an arena for it. So anytime a human lands on the planet, they're like just throwing them in the fucker. They probably use it for other events. Yeah, that's true. Like the sport games that are in the back of that bar.

Springsteen's playing their next week. Robot football or whatever. Yeah. Billy Joel's got a residence. Yeah, every Thursday night. Billy Joel does his piano man routine. And then they send monsters to eat him. Because they have Billy Joan clones.

Billy Joel clones. Billy Joel clones. Well, that's the third one was going to be called Attack of the Jones. What if on Kamino there's a building that just is Billy Joel? They're just spewing out more Billy Joels. There's a scene. What if Billy Joel had played Django Fett? Obi-Wan is looking for the clones.

He opens the door and it's just, da, da, da, da, da, da. He goes, oh. Wrong door. That would have been terrific. He turns the camera and goes, wrong door. That would have been great. All of that would have been great. It would have won terrific. He turns to the camera and goes, wrong door. That would have been great. All of that would have been great. It would have won ten Oscars if that had happened.

My love. Just that one scene was included. Don't go in there. Anyway, yeah, they are tied to pillars. I'm saying, is this a big day for them because they've had three humans land on their planet? It's a packed house. It's a packed house. But I'm saying, who are they usually killing?

Are they killing their own? Maybe. Is this a special occasion that they have humans? I don't know. Do they only get to do this when there are humans? What's the structure? I think it's bug fighting. I'm pretty-

I think usually it's bug fighting. Big bug fight. I think usually- You know what I think it is? I think it's just another level in this video game that we're talking about. Yeah, exactly. It's the whole problem. It's like, oh, they're the pillars and some monsters are going to attack them.

They could just literally just bang, bang, bang. Great. That problem solved. Button masher level where you have to beat like 80 enemies. So first it's just a bunch of... How do you guys, everyone at home know that David just made a gun with his hand and shot Morgan on Griffin and hit him in the head.

Right, that's what that was. Some of our classic Griffin David presents physical play. Like the time I kept on putting my hand on David's arm to show how physically intimate Padme and Anakin are. In the romance episode. Oh, that was very bad.

I was caressing his arm a lot. That's a great episode. Yeah. It was a great episode. It's a bottle episode, but it's pretty good. It's a bottle episode. Every episode is a box episode. We record in a bottle.

Yeah. I hate this sequence. They're fighting the animals. Yeah, it's insane. So we got a Reek. We got an Acklay. We have a Nexu. Yeah.

These all have names. Yeah. These all have names. Yeah, they all have names. Are they all from that planet? Who knows? Unclear. Should we look it up? Should we go to Wikipedia? So the Reek is the one with kind of like horns.

He's the rhino-y one. Yeah, and then there's one that's sort of like a little cat. I like that one. I believe that's the Nexu. That's probably the best one. And then what's the third one? The Acklay is the spider. He looks like the spider from Gremlins 2.

It's like if a spider and a praying mantis did it. Right. It has kind of like sort of spiky feet and stuff. That one's the least interesting. And it has a Venus flytrap for a face. He looks like if a spider was a bug. Yeah. Gotcha.

Perfect. Yeah. If a spider was a bug. As opposed to a man. Yeah, if a spider was a bug. So, again, Count Dooku is there watching. Everyone's there watching. I like that Count Dooku

has the time for just enjoyment. Yeah, isn't he the leader of a government of planets? It'd be like if Obama was at the Manny Pacquiao fight. He's like, and there's Obama.

And also if Manny Pacquiao had been fighting a giant praying mantis. And it was a fight to the death. In a way, it was. What happens in this scene, Griffin? Hold on. I got the reeks page. I'm crying out loud. Well, they're all tied up.

They're all tied up to the pillars. With chains. With normal chains that you'd get. Yeah, loose. If a chain is anything, it's loose. Always. It's real loose. Okay, wait.

This is very interesting. I don't think it is. Reeks were herbivores by nature, but they were often fed meat for exhibition sport and executions. This turned their leathery skin a dark red and made the reeks more aggressive. See, this just goes to show my theory that I think Star Wars needs, like, Blackfish-style documentaries

about all of this stuff. Reeks could not thrive on meat, so they were given just enough plant matter to keep them happy. So reeks, like the reek, giving a reek meat

is like turning it into the Hulk. We're saying reek a lot. They're usually brown. Is it like- The red reek we know, this is an amped up- The reek doesn't even know

what it's doing. This reek has gone crazy on meat. Is it like in Super Mario World when you jump on the caterpillar, it gets red, and it starts- Yeah. Its hat falls off. Mario World when you jump on the caterpillar, it gets red and it starts... Yeah. Its hat falls off. It doesn't even want to eat meat. It's not even nourishment.

It's not even energy. You give it some meat and you go fucking kill Obi-Wan and it goes crazy. Reek's a good guy. Alright. That's enough. I like the reek. Reeks in the wild can survive up to 150 years, but in captivity it's only about 30 years.

And their fin goes down. We're on the same page here. Reeks are great. I do like when the cat, I like the instant justice in Star Wars, for kids, obviously, but when it's like someone prods them with a lightning stick, the cat just kills them because, you know,

you go, oh, that's so sad for the cat. And then you go, oh, that's great for the cat. Oh. But then remember, these three animals are all murdered. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. What happens to the reek? Does he get shot?

What? Obi-Wan rides one of them. Anakin uses his chain to turn into a leash. Yeah. Yeah, the cat, like, rips Padme's jumpsuit so he can see her tummy more and gives her like a scratch. Love that tummy. There are two really good jokes we missed. Are there?

They're all chained to these pillars. And Obi-Wan's like, I was wondering where you were. And Anakin's like, I did what you told me to. I resubmitted your message. I retransmit the Jedi Council. And he's like, what are you doing here? And he's like, I felt like coming to rescue you. He's like, nice job.

Well, we're going to have to work to survive this. And he goes, what about Padme? And then Obi-Wan goes, I think she's on top of it. And you cut to Padme's on top of the pillar. You don't cut to, you wipe to. You wipe to. He wipes within scenes. Within scenes. To coverage of the same actions in this.

What if every cut in this movie. Someone should do an edit where every cut is a wipe. Even like two shots of just them talking to each other. The separation. It's like windshield wipers. Wiped in opposite directions. Exactly.

Yeah, so Padme gets on the pillar. I mean, you're right. She's got a bobby pin. So she's fucking undoing the cuffs. Yeah, so Padme gets on the pillar. I mean, you're right. She's got a bobby pin. Obi-Wan uses the chain. She's got a bobby pin. So she's fucking undoing the cuffs. Yeah. Oh, and she swings down and kicks the cat with her feet. Yep.

The cat scratches her back in a way that completely removes all the jumpsuit material around her midriff. Right. Perfectly. Which is made out of earth cotton. Yeah. And leaves very, very superficial scars, even though it had just murdered someone. But only on her back. Yeah, only on her back. So that her front still looks fuckable.

Oh, yeah. It's important that her front is undamaged for kids. But you'd love to do it from behind and look at that scar. That's for adults. I'm saying the front's for kids, the back's for adults. Obi-Wan rides the Reek? No, Obi-Wan's attacking the Acklay. He's not riding one. Obi-Wan's trying to spear

the Acklay. Padme's fighting the Nexu. Is it Anakin who rides? Anakin's riding around using the chains. Obi-Wan is John Carter from Marsing it with a big sword. Yeah. So then the Neimoidians are like, No, come on, kill Padme.

Why is he taking so long? Right, yeah. They don't think it's legal. Due time, due time. Also, like, you got everyone there. Let them enjoy the fight. Yeah, that's true. This is way better than them just getting eaten, right?

Yeah, for sure. This is a money's worth. Good shot. They've got snacks to sell. Bug snacks. Bug snacks, yeah. But they're, like, beating the animals. They are.

So it's like, oh, fuck. Send in the... So they send in the battle droids, right? Right. They send in some battle droids, including C3P droid. Yeah. And also these new battle droids are like really big. There's no quality control.

Yeah. Those are super battle droids. Yeah, super battle droids. They're called super battle droids. That's what they're called. There's no quality control. It's true. They're just like, that one's fine.

That one's fine. That one's got a weird head. He's fine. That one's fine. Must be a new kind. So those two are doing their routine, and now the battle droid is like, oh, why am I so fussy all of a sudden?

And C-3PO's like, what am I saying? Well, you're forgetting also that in the middle of this, Yoda drops down in an airship. Yeah. Not yet. What? Not yet.

Pretty sure this is already happening. Not. Go on. No, yeah. When they start fighting and then he... Battle droids, then we see a shadowy figure walking through the corridors of the arena and we're like, what's this? And Mace Windu

comes out. Oh, that's right. That's right. And he's in the fucking spectator's box. And he activates his lightsaber which is purple. Didn't know. Crazy. He's in the spectator's box and they're like, Master Windu, nice of you to join us. And he goes, this party's over. He says this party's over. Suddenly, Jedi's rain from the sky. Well, yeah, they

swoop in. With clones. Not yet! On an aircraft carrier. First it's just a bunch of Jedi's. Oh, first it's Jedi's, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. First it's just a bunch of fucking Jedi's. Kid Fisto. We're talking Luminari Deely. Yeah. Ki-Ai-Madi. We're talking fucking Plu-Klun. Yeah, he's in there. The boys are back!

And they're not sitting down. They're standing up. They're fighting. Lightsabering like crazy. Jump, jump, jump. It's kind of cool. Using their fucking laser sword. This would have been a great opportunity

for all those child Jedis. Yeah, right. Some training. Yeah, who know how to lower the blinds. I've been teaching them to lower blinds. I'm not going to do a Yoda impression. Phantom Menace fans are a rabbit sort. And a lot of people do their own edits.

I haven't done the wipe edit yet. But for the first movie, there was a well-known edit called the Phantom Edit where they cut out Jar Jar. Right. Yeah, I've seen this. And people say it greatly improves the movie. Right, right. And for the second one, I had someone tell me like, oh my god, you haven't seen like

the rainbow edit of Attack of the Clones? And I was like, no, what's the rainbow edit? And he was like, it improves the movie so much. This was like right when the movie had come out. It was like still in theaters, and he was like, you gotta fucking tour it. What is it? There's a rainbow edit. The rainbow edit was, and some people swear by it, is just

in that final sequence. Not that final sequence. In the big sequence where all the Jedi's land and they're fighting in the arena, all the lightsabers are different colors. Anyway, moving on. So that's the whole movie. So instead of just like green and blue. And one purple.

And one purple. It's like yellow, magenta, like all these like periwinkle. Moving on. The rainbow. The Jedi have arrived. I'm just right past that. We're doing a whole episode just on the rainbow. I have arrived i'm just i'm just right past we're doing a whole episode just right past that the jedi arrived they're fighting like crazy duke who's like jango go the fucking duke who finally sees like you know what this might be

slipping out of our hands a little bit this thing would be getting a little bit out of control he goes off to god no he gets in a ship yeah well no he goes off to God knows. He gets in a ship. He goes off to his back area. He's like, I'm gonna go back to my office. Yeah. He gets the plans. But he gives and he goes to Django. He goes, I'll take these. Right. And you're like, you only have one copy of the goddamn plans. You don't have like a cloud

you could put those in. They're like hologram plans. It's not like a physical document. Yeah, he checks them. He's like, yep, this is the one. Great. Perfect. It comes from a clam. Gets in a ship. He sends Django. He goes, Django, go find him.

Take care of this. Django lands, like fucking shoots. He shoots some things. I think he shoots a creature. Okay, so the creature gets up on the balcony box, right? Oh, yeah. And Django shoots it off the box. Yeah.

It's a Jedi creature. Shoots it, then does the cowboy spin pistol. Yeah, he's pretty cool. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan is like, you're so defensive. He is cool. He's cool. Yeah, he's pretty cool. But this is the problem.

His end is maybe not the coolest. Jango Fett, set up as the deadliest killer. Dooku finally goes, get on there on the ground floor and fucking fight this battle. True, earn your money, man. He turns around, Mace Windu looks at him,

slashes his head off. It's pretty cool. Immediately. He comes, he's shooting at Mace Windu, Mace Windu's like, block, block, and then he decides to run at Mace Windu, which is probably, sure, jet-packed or something, and Mace Windu just head off. I think that George Lucas wrote this without an outline and realized he had to, like, really start wrapping shit up. Yeah, right, right.

And it was like, I really set this guy up, but, like, there's no time. They're telling me it has to be under 230, and now... Sam Jackson keeps saying he wants to do something in this movie. Maybe he can chop off his head.

Yeah, right. Yeah, he chops his head. We talked a little bit about this. Boba Fett later picks up the head, and amazingly, his head doesn't fall

out of the helmet. Right. Well, they're tight helmets. They're very tight. Okay, so at this point... Not comfortable. at this point, Yoda, our main man, drops in on a ship with

clones! He even says, like, he goes, like, put me down there, you will! Yeah, he says, I think, around those Jedi perimeter create, something like that. Yeah, that's exactly what he says. Hey, see that spot where everybody's fighting? I want to be right there. What a tactician Yoda is. You don't want to everybody's fighting? I want to be right there.

What a tactician he is. They're like, you want to stop by over there? Yeah, you don't want to go check out the other side of the planet? No, put me there. Yeah, put me down there. So now. So the clones come in. They start shooting the battle droids, I guess. Right.

And Anakin and Obi-Wan and Padme are like, let's get on that ship. They give chase. We need to fucking find Dooku. They give chase to Dooku. Right. We're finally getting to the one big thing in this movie. So now more clones are coming to attack of the clones.

They're attacking. Finally. But they're on our side. They're on our side and the droids, they're sending more and more battle droids out to attack the clones and you're seeing like a war very quickly. It's the fastest escalation. In an arena. Yeah. In an arena, that's true. Never before has a battle turned into a war within the span of five minutes.

And never has it been so well contained. It's true. They did a nice job. The planet will be unscathed. Do you think, is everyone still in the stands while this is happening? I feel like people start flying off. I feel like this is the best show we've ever seen. They're like, oh my god, it's the finale, you guys.

In the middle of this, we should note, like like C-3PO's head pops off or something R2 pops it off and drags his head over his body I think it gets knocked off and then R2 picks it up with his little he's got like a suction cup

he's got like a metal suction cup thing and then C-3PO says what a drag he says what a drag right which raises the question

if C-3PO's head can just pop off its body yeah then what's going on with everybody just knocking droid heads off? Yeah. Like, you know, they're not alive. Apparently you could just flick them and they would fall apart.

Pretty much. They're made of paper. Best joke in the movie. What? It's a supreme callback. What? It's two callbacks in one. What the fuck?

They're fighting. Anakin turns to Padme and he's like, how are your political democratic negotiations going? Like he says like, based on her going like, you know, we'll fucking Senate, whatever. And then she goes,

I'd say this is more like aggressive negotiations, which is a callback to when he is cutting up the space pair. And he's like, so we began aggressive negotiations.

And she's like, what are aggressive negotiations? He's like, negotiations with lightsabers. Because that's what they're doing. I like that. I don't think that's that funny. I think that's cool. Good comedy. I think that's very cool.

I think it sucks. I think it sucks. To me, that is cool. That is cool. Especially since it's like, no, no, no, this is like wars. This is the beginning of a long and terrible war. It's kind of funny. It's just sort of like, no, no. This is like wars. This is the beginning of a long and terrible war. Yeah. No, no. It is.

It's kind of funny. It's just sort of like, oh, well, hey, you remember that at least. Yeah. But wait. We have to talk about they get in the ship and they fly over to Dooku. And that's when Obi-Wan and Anakin have a fight about like, should Padme be here? What's the deal with you and Padme, by the way? I'm noticing a lot of sparks flying.

And they decide, you know what? Let's just shove her out of the ship. So they push her out of a ship. That's the agreement they come to. Onto the sand. And you're like, what the fuck? Where Obi-Wan is like, you're gonna be expelled from the Jedi Order. All he wanted him to do was protect her.

The whole movie. Yeah, and then he's like, wait, you guys are friends? Die! I really need you to take care of this bad May girl and really protect her. Oh, you did that? Kill her! But this is not good. Shove her right out.

This is classic slut shaming. Oh, it's totally true. He's the one who's acting in the wrong, and she gets punished for it. Her white dress gets torn. She gets shoved out of a moving vehicle. Oh, God. Shoved out of a moving vehicle. Shoved out of a moving vehicle.

And you're like, is she dead? And then very quickly George sends a couple clone troopers. Yeah, right. She sort of rolls gently down the sand.

Hey, come with us over here. You don't have to worry about her for the next 15 minutes. And like, finally, we get to... Secret lair. Dooku's office. Yeah, Dooku's office.

He's got like an escape rocket that he's going to get into. Right. Obi-Wan and Anakin. It's Austin Powers 2 get into. Right. Obi-Wan and Anakin. It's Austin Powers 2. Yeah. Exactly. Obi-Wan and Anakin.

His head is on the volcano. Lightsaber battle. Well, okay. Well, first they show up. Yeah. And Obi-Wan's like, take it easy, Anakin. Anakin's like, no. I'm ready to really fucking rip.

Yeah. He got another lightsaber, by the way. Someone like tosses him a new lightsaber. He's got two at one point. They bring in some, well, he gets Obi-Wan. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Because he jumps, right. And then Duku shits him with lightning. Yeah. He's got two at one point. They bring in some, well, he gets Obi-Wan. Right, yeah. Because he jumps, right, and then Dooku shits him with lightning. Yeah, Obi-Wan goes, no! He's right in there. It's pretty cool. Where did he get the lightsaber from? He watched one of his friends die in the arena and then fucking pickpocketed them.

No, I think they just tossed him. He's got all that gold too now. He's gone. He shows up with all those rings on and you're like... But can we talk about the lightning? Guys, there's lightning. He shoots lightning out of his hands.

It's really, it's crazy. It's a power heretofore unseen in the Phantom Menace universe. Dark force power. Now I see the appeal of going to the dark side. I understand the appeal completely. Yeah, you're a Scientologist. Well, they have better outfits.

Yeah, they do. They have a little more style. I mean, like, to me, it's like, I don't understand what's so wrong. Like, when Anakin's talking to Padme about, like, you know, how a dictatorship might not be that bad. You're just, like, nodding. I'm just like, ah, cool. He sounds like, you know, I think it's supposed to be Nazis or something.

It's way more like, it's Lenin. Yeah. Yeah, it's just so you just need a strong hand to keep everything in order. One person tell you how to do things. Yeah, I mean, clearly, you got bugs flying around everywhere. You need some order.

I mean, this is a world that they're trying to protect, and they're having people torn apart by big bugs. The Senate's doing a terrible job. What is worth saving with a lot of these places? The Senate has definitely blown it. There is no question. Your argument is just wipe them out. My argument is just like, there are some countries that need to be fucking, you know.

And by countries, you mean planets. Yeah, right. I'm talking to the Alicorn. You think certain countries should be saved. Canada needs to be rained the fuck in. Okay, so they're fighting. Dooku's got lightning hands. Anakin's got two lightsabers.

Well, no. First, Dooku fights Obi-Wan for a second, and then he smushes him under a thing or something. He gets him trapped under a thing. I don't even remember. Debris. Yeah, he makes something fall on him. He knocks a tower.

A pillar. A tower. A lot of pillars. Tons of pillars. Yeah, he like makes something fall on him. He knocks a tower. A pillar. It's a little tower. Tons of pillars. And then so Anakin's back. He's gonna kill Obi-Wan? Well, Yoda's there by the time that happens. Oh, okay. I'm trying to remember the exact sequence of this. Aren't Yoda and aren't Anakin and Obi-Wan knocked out by the time that Yoda enters? Yes. They are

incapacitated. He chops Anakin's arms off. Yeah, Anakin fights Dooku for a second with two sabers. He's got two swords and then Dooku chops your arm off. Dooku gets one of them and then pushes him away. He gets Obi-Wan a couple times. Nicks him, which is enough to put him out. That's what makes him fall over. Gives him a little shave. And then he falls down and he's about to kill him.

Right. Anakin gets up just in time. Right. Runs over, stops it. Jumps over. And then Dooku's like, oh, that was very brave of you. You fag. I mean, right? And then... it jumps and then Duke was like oh that was very brave of you yeah fag right and then and then those are the exact words Obi-Wan summons his shit back and tosses it to Anakin who then has two yeah which isn't enough it's kind of cool but yeah and then he only has one arm and he gets zapped over I guess and then Yoda shows up. Little Yoda.

He's doing his little cane walk. The movie is just like jacking off over this. It's so exciting. Yoda just walking. And this is the point when my girlfriend realized that Yoda was really cute. And did she say, oh, he's so cute? Oh, he's so tiny. He's very small.

What is that? He's like one and a half feet tall. Yeah, exactly. And then he started talking, though. I don't like that at all. But the movie is literally like, you know, like they're talking and he shoots the lightning and Yoda absorbs it. They build it up. And yeah, and then he makes something move and Yoda makes it.

And then they're like, all right. This is my question for you folks. At the time that I saw this film in theaters opening day, I thought this was the single greatest scene I'd ever seen in a movie. It's pretty great. When this scene happened in the cinema, it was pandemonium. Yeah. People just lost their minds. I don't even remember what happened in the movie.

You could barely keep track of what was happening on screen, but everyone was just screaming. There are literally applause breaks in the scene. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's sort of they go like, and then they stop for a second, and then. I would say it's very cool, but it does seem totally pandering. And rewatching it now, it doesn't look like, it doesn't make a lot of sense.

This was the scene where I hit Cody and Molly and told them to stop fingering each other because they had to see what was happening on screen. The third time I saw this movie in middle school, it was my two best friends who were dating, and they would have me essentially chaperone them to movies so their parents would let them hang out alone and then they'd finger each other and then I'd just have to sit and watch a movie by myself but you tried to get them to pay attention to this

I know fingering is great but you gotta watch this and they were like fuck you they watched it and were like that was not worth missing out on two minutes of fingering which is probably worth that that's about what it's worth. Yeah. Two minutes? I saw it, whatever, opening

night, and like, everyone went crazy. Bananas. Just bananas. Did we know this was gonna happen? Like, had it been spoiled, or was this a total surprise? That's what I couldn't remember. It had not been spoiled. There was no inkling that this was gonna happen. No, because there's no promotion of it. It's not in the trailers. I remember when this came out, because I was 11 years old, and I had no idea what was happening. The entire movie. Because there's no promotion of it. It's not in the trailers. I remember when this came out because I was 11 years old

and I had no idea what was happening. The entire movie. The movie makes no sense. The movie is pretty dense. There's just such dense dialogue and then there's just really light and nothing dialogue.

See, I was older than you guys. I'm older than you guys, which is really depressing. So I was 16. You were 16 when it came out? 2002. So you must have kind of understood some of it.

Oh yeah, I was, I get tracked. There's a lot of politics, you know? I don't know if I understood, like, you know, the motivations. I mean, I got that the movie wanted to make sense. We don't understand that now. I'm just real dumb. But he comes, and it's like the movie's like,

and he, like, opens his cloak, and he gets out the blade. Yoda's got a lightsaber? Oh, my God. It's green. Very cool. And then his style of fighting is kind of basically just like bouncing around

off the walls and shit. Once again, like a video game. He's Flubber. He's Flubber. That's exactly right. And this is the thing. Chris really obviously

can't move around too much. So he's basically just standing and sort of going, you know, like moving his arms around because, you know, he's an old man. In a big green room somewhere.

And so Yoda's just kind of bouncing around like kind of in correspondence to that. It doesn't really flow. It feels like Yoda only has like Mortal Kombat special moves. It feels like he's showy. He's a little showy. Like Yoda, I feel like, would be the least showy. And instead, I'm like watching it and it's like, he didn't need to flip there. He's doing a lot of flipping.

Well, this is the thing also. I know he's got to make up for the lack of height, but he's doing back flips and spins and stuff like that. And he's going like, ah! He's yelling the whole time. He's fighting like a figure skater. The whole thing where he limps up, and he's got his cane, and then he reveals, like, oh, no, I could just be bouncing all the time.

It's classic Wonka. It's original Wonka, where you think, oh, no. It's and he's got his cane and then he reveals, oh no, I could just be bouncing all the time. It's classic Wonka. It's original Wonka. Where you think, oh no. It's like he's fucking... You're saying Yoda is like Gene Wilder reborn? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he's my second favorite actor of all time.

Same wispy hair. Yep. And general demeanor. That's true. He was also married to Gilda Radner briefly. That's true. Yoda and Gilda Radner, they were a couple. They were so good.

That was when Yoda was in his early 900s. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, so that happens. But that's sort of a draw, right? Well, no. Remember he goes, well, what happens to me was really funny is they each try to show off their force power. Yes.

And then he goes like, oh, I know how we have to settle this. A sword fight. Yeah, he's like, our skills with a lightsaber. And you're like, why? A laser rapier. Yeah. And it's also, it is funny because they're like,

oh yeah, right, lightsabers. Right, yeah. We do that. I forgot about that. But yeah, so then what happens is Dooku runs away. He just books it? But before he,

yeah, he gets on a plane. I remember that part. He hops on his G5 and he knocks over that pillar. Right, and he distracts Yoda. His whole game is pillars. He's got one move. So Yoda has to stop the pillar or chase him.

He chooses to stop the pillar. Good choice, probably. Yeah. Because they're setting up a third movie. And also, I think Yoda just wants it to be like, you know, we were equal. You know? We don't know. Yoda also doesn't want to kill anybody. But he picks up his cane, and he just pretends like he can't walk again.

And like Anakin and Obi-Wan wake up and they're like, what happened? He was like, oh, nothing. That's why he's walking. And this is the thing. I just got that too. But this is the thing. And then guess what happens? The movie's over. The end. Two big things happen. Anakin and Thingy get married.

They go to Tuscany. They go back to Tuscany and he puts on a robot arm. Yoda says, begun the Clone Wars has. I think he says, begun this Clone War has. And you're like, at the end? But what a fucking good setup for a third movie.

The Clone Wars. You assume the third movie would just be called Star Wars Episode 3 The Clone Wars. Yeah. And it would just be fucking called Star Wars Episode 3, The Clone Wars. Yeah. And it would just be fucking three hours of like... The franchise is called Star Wars. It's true. It's taken two movies. Not Star Diplomatic Senate Negotiations.

No. It's like not Star Subcommittee Hearings. Trad Negotiations. Star Tift. Yeah. Star Treaties. It's fucking... We're teed up.

The ball is on the tee But Gun the War has Oh great Fucking I'm ready I'm rubbing my hands together Directed by George Lucas No you get a wedding And then you get

Well it always ends on a party Or a celebration Yeah it's a bit of a somber It's a dour wedding If the first movie ends up This movie definitely ends down Yeah The only people officiating

I don't know who's officiating, but the only witnesses at the wedding are C-3PO and R2-D2 who hate each other. Why are they still spending time together? Do you think gay marriage is legal in the whole galactic universe? I think only with robots. Only robots. Only gay robot marriage. My theory is that only gay marriage is legal.

And that straight marriage is illegal. Anakin and Padme are violating the law. That's why they're on the DL. We never see, well no, Clegg Lars and Shmi, that's the only marriage. Anakin and Padme are violating the law? That's why they're on the DL. We never see... Well, no. Clegg Lars. Clegg Lars and Shmi. That's the only marriage... Do we know that that's legal?

No, we have no idea. Right. Yeah, it might not be valid on another planet. Right. My uncles got married two years ago. If you ask certain states, they were only married as of... But not now, thanks to the Supreme Court's... Right, but I'm saying maybe this is like...

Thanks to the Black Senate. Maybe Clegg Lars... Yeah, but I'm saying maybe this is like... Thanks to the Galactic Senate. Maybe Clegg Lars... Yeah, that's what they're called. You nailed it. Maybe Clegg Lars and Shmi got married in Massachusetts. Yeah, they got married in space Massachusetts. Right. Space Massachusetts.

And then they went back to Mos Espa. Yeah, Mos Espa, which is like space Utah. Right, they're like, we know we're married, even though the government here doesn't recognize our marriage. I think only gay people are allowed to get married. Does Star Tours exist in your guys' universe? No idea what you're talking about. No idea of the framing of that question.

But yeah, of course Star Tours exists. Could you take a tour around the stars? Yeah. Great. I don't understand. You're using a lot of very weird lingo throughout this episode. I'm just trying to understand what you guys believe in. Yeah, he's trying to understand the limits of our perspective.

Of our knowledge, yeah. I believe that Lord Zeno... He piled people in their C5s on top of a volcano. Yeah, and then the Thetans were released. But they don't say that to you in the Dianetics? They just sort of say, like, how are you feeling? It's shitty Freudian therapy. Interesting.

But for five hours. So you talk about yourself, or do they ask you questions? Yeah, they for five hours. So you talk about yourself or do they ask you questions? Yeah, they ask you questions. And you love therapy. And then they ask you the same questions. Yes. Right, and they're trying to basically get at the core. It's kind of like one of those online personality tests.

Yeah, but it's intense. You have to do it all first person. Your eyes are closed. Your eyes are closed. You don't. And you're hooked up to something. You're hooked up to the cans. You're holding the cans.

They walk... It's very strange. They did't. And you're hooked up to something. You're hooked up to the cans. You're holding the can. They walk, it's very strange. Like, they did a- And this costs money. Yeah, it costs $125 for five hours of auditing, which is great. That's a good deal. That's a good price. That's a Costco therapy app.

But then they upsell you. Level two is like 30 grand. Yeah. But you like therapy so much. I once ran into you were selling your ticket- It's not therapy. It's Dianetics, right? They don't like therapy. But my point is, you like therapy. You are such a fan of therapy. much. I once ran into you were selling your ticket. It's not therapy. It's Dianetics, right? They don't like therapy.

But my point is you like therapy. You are such a fan of therapy. Oh, I see. You like just therapy. Yes. I ran into you outside the 92nd Street Y. Elaine May was publicly screening Ishtar. That's right.

It had not been released on Blu-ray or DVD at that point. Yeah, and she was speaking after the movie. It was the director's cutpping screen for the first time. You love Elaine May. Yeah, I'm a huge fan. And you were like, I'm signing my ticket because I got therapy. Yeah.

Right, that's how important it is. Yeah. Like, you didn't want to miss one session. So Scientology's going, hey, for $125, you can have five hours of sitting down and talking to us. Right. That's, like, very alluring to you.

Yeah, but it's with, like, the most unqualified kid in his dad's suit. What's that cost? He's basically reading Battlefield Earth and using that as his template. I will say it was fun though because it's kind of hypnosis. First of all, they go, it's not hypnosis. Now close your eyes. I'm going to count backwards to ten.

And then they're like, so tell me about when your dog died. And you close your eyes and you're like, I'm walking down a hallway. Interesting. I see this. This is what I see. And then they go, great, so take me back again and we're going to start from the top and try to collect any additional data that you can collect.

And it's like very calming. And then you do it again. Sounds cool. And then three hours later, you're like, I've said it all. But there's this weird moment where you kind of break through and you're like, I feel like I'm there. Like, it's a weird hypnosis thing it's totally not they call it exteriorization it's not real but it's cool

it was fun I wouldn't suggest going though because they call me every day and I block all their numbers and they keep getting new numbers and then the other day I opened an envelope and it had a letter in it to me I get a ton of their like you know come to the flagship but I got a letter, and I opened

it up, and it just said, Dear Morgan, would you like more Dianetic auditing? That's it. That's it. That's all the letters. That's pretty creepy. Was it signed by anybody? Yeah. But what if you... It was, like, from the executive director. What happens if you just say, like, what about Tom Cruise? Is that for real?

Like, Xenu? Like, would they just talk over you? They literally go like, well, I'm like a smart guy. You think I believe in aliens? Wait, so you asked them about that stuff? Yeah, that's what they say to you. I went into it totally like... They go like, come on,

do you think I believe in aliens? Would I be doing this if it was about aliens? But isn't that what they say and then at a certain point, it just reverses. They think it makes you sick to know. At that point when you're like 15 years in. And 1,500 grand in.

Well, I was like, they were like, do you think I believe in aliens? I'm like, no, but I know enough that you guys think it causes pneumonia if someone knows who hasn't had all the training up until that point. And he's like, I honestly don't know what you're talking about, man. But like, just read this book. You should read this book. How deep is he? He's not that deep, probably.

He's been in it since the 60s, the guy who brought me in. What? Was he raised in it? Or is he? He's not that deep. He's been in it since the 60s, the guy who brought me in. What? Was he raising it or is he an old man? He saw Dianetics being sold on the street and appreciates. What he was telling me is there's Scientology and then there's Dianetics. Sure. Dianetics is the science. Dianetics is the therapy shit.

Scientology is the space opera. Right, exactly. And he was like, you don't seem like you need communication skills. Because they were like, what are you here for? Do you need help with work? Do you need whatever? What can we prey upon? I was like you don't seem like you need communication skills you know because they were like what are you here do you need help with work do you need whatever what can we prey upon I was like I'm fine

you know and they were like oh okay we'll do Dianetics then because it's like therapy very weird but they don't

they hate therapies of course they don't call it that anyway Tom Cruise will be our guest next week oh please thank you so much for doing the show

what if Tom Cruise is our guest what does Tom Cruise think of the Star Wars movies? We should ask him. I'm sure he'd just say he likes them. Yeah, he'd be like, great. I have his number.

I can call him. He would shake so much that his headphones would fall off of his ears. He's a positive man. I'm really excited for Rogue Nation, though. Yeah, it looks rad. I think Rogue Nation is going to be fantastic. It looks super cool. Yeah, you know, it's crazy to me that he actually hung onto that plane.

Eight times. Nuts. Eight times they did that stunt looks super cool. Yeah, I, I, you know, it's crazy to me that he actually hung onto that plane. Eight times. Nuts. Eight times they did that stunt. So cool. Uh, famed blogger Jeffrey Wells posted a thing yesterday where he was like, wait, Tom Cruise was chained into that plane? Big deal. Like, he was like, I thought the whole appeal of the stunt was that he was just holding on with his hands. He was actually

holding on. Oh my god, no way. Cause they're using this advertising thing of like, he really did it. Yeah. It's not CGI. Yeah, of course he, he actually really did it. That's, that's great. Jeff, of course he actually really did it. That's great. Jeff Wells is like, oh, if he was chained in, it's not that impressive. Can you imagine if a bug hit your face while you were going that fast? At that speed. It's still dangerous.

They had to give him glass fucking contact lenses so his eyes weren't destroyed, didn't fly out of his head. And he's like, well, if there were chains attached, it's not that impressive. Oh my God. Jeffrey Wells. What a shit. Noted poop sucker, Jeffrey Wells. Does that mean he sucks on poo?

Yeah, he sucks on poo. Jeffrey Wells will be our guest next week. Yeah, Jeffrey Wells and Tom Cruise will be our two guests next week. And L. Ron Hubbard. And L. Ron Hubbard. Morgan, thank you so much for being on the show. Hey, thanks for having me. Anything you want to plug?

Morgan, you have a web series. Yeah. I'm in an episode. Griffin's in an episode. I'm not in any episodes. Sims is in no episode. A little embarrassing. If you go to untitled.mtv.com, you can watch that. And my Twitter is at Totally Morgan.

Without spoiling anything, if you like romance as seen in Star Wars Attack of the Clones, you might like the episode we have together. It's a lot like that. It's a lot like that. Similar levels of chemistry. Palpable sexual heat. It's a lot like that. It's a lot like that. Similar levels of chemistry. Palpable sexual heat. And you're moving to LA next week, and so

promote Scientology, plug Scientology. Yeah, yeah. When will this come out? This will come out next week. You'll be in LA by the time, right? When are you moving? I'm moving August 1st. I'm going to drive across the country. You're doing the drive. I am, yeah. I'm excited.

I'm going to get rid of everything I have that won't fit in a car and do the drive. Nice. Crazy. Yep. And I'm going to write a book. I'm not going to write a book. You'll have a lot of- When you write that book, you can come back on and plug the book.

Yeah. It'll be called On the Road. Sounds good. I recommend- Attack of the Road. Trying to kill Attack of the Road. It's a factory that makes roads. Roads building roads.

Now I've seen everything. Producer Ben, final thoughts? How are those tits you were looking at earlier? At one point in the podcast I noticed a bunch of tits. That was a pop-up, but I was... Did you click the link for that pop-up? No, I did not. How do you get was a pop-up, but I was... Did you click the link

for that pop-up? No, I did not. How do you get a porn pop-up these days? That is very true. I was like 14 years old. Star Wars websites. Trying to look up some APO jokes. Well, that's kids on there. Pop-ups are for kids.

They're like Jar Jar. Me saying that scene now Final thoughts Bug Planet's kind of cool I don't know So you kind of like this part of the movie Yeah I was alright with it Ben confessed to me before we started recording

That he barely remembers the movie at this point It's slippery As we've said it's a slippery fucking movie It's like ep 5 and I'm really just checking out It's okay there's only 5 more of these to go We're at the halfway mark Right and then we're going to do one last Google search to make sure there's no other Star Wars movies.

Ben is taking a knife and slitting his wrist the long ways. Ben is flashing back to some Dianetics that he had earlier. Yep. Past lives and all that. All right. Well, that's it for me. And our question that we've been very specifically answering every episode, is this a good sequel?

Oh, yeah, we really, we've been hitting that note hard every week. This third act stuff, is it a good sequel? Well, in that it doesn't build off of anything set up in Phantom Menace. It does perfectly set up a third movie. It's a good, I guess so. So it's a good sequel in that it sets up a good sequel. I guess so. It sets up a war.

That sounds like a great sequel. Can I say why I like it as a sequel? Yeah, go ahead. I think that maybe it's not a good traditional sequel. But to cut forward in time 10 years, it's a very original choice. I think it's great. I think it's another movie in the same universe.

Sort of part of an anthology. Exactly. I think that's a cool way to do it. I think there's a lot in between that you could say make a television show out of. Maybe on the Cartoon Network or something. Right. You make the movies focused on the wars and you make

the cartoon shows focused on the stuff that happens in between them. Yeah. Sort of adventures. Obi-Wan and Anakin. Yeah. Had they made a third one. But definitely we agree that the wars should constitute a film. Right? All basic logic says that if you set up a fucking war, then you should put that in a movie rather than a fucking cartoon show.

I think we get it, Griffin. Hypothetically. Yeah. I mean, maybe. Probably. God. That's a fucking terrible movie. I think if it just came out alone and there were no other Star Wars movies, I would be like, this is amazing.

A lot of imagination. Yeah, this is great. I don't know why the green guy is suddenly jumping around or who he's supposed to be. The guy who made American Graffiti made this? He took 25 years off and then made this movie. Well, thank you all for listening thank you for being here Morgan thanks Morgan

thanks for having me thank you for tolerating this Ben sure no problem and as always keep those negotiations aggressive and don't give Scientology and your money

for real don't do it