Blank Check with Griffin & David - Elizabethtown

Episode Date: August 11, 2016

Blank Check returns to Cameron Crowe’s filmography with an in-depth discussion of 2005’s tragic comedy, Elizabethtown. But how would one best describe the custom exercise bike Bloom’s character outfits with knives? Would Marc Maron have been better suited for the lead role? Wait, Paula Deen is in this movie? Together, Griffin and David examine the careers of Kirsten Dunst and Alec Baldwin, writer Nathan Rabin’s coining of the term “manic pixie dream girl,” Ashton Kutcher’s previous involvement in the project and the proper regional pronunciation of Louisville, Kentucky.

A few days after Mitch died, I was walking through the yard and I saw our neighbor, who was a very good friend of Mitch's, Bob. And he saw me coming through the gate and he said, I am so sorry for your loss. And I knew that he needed to feel that loss, too, and to share it. And I wanted to help him. And he put his arms around me, cradled me, and his brace tightened. Finally, here was somebody somebody somebody who truly cared and then i felt something else something huge okay okay let's just say it let's just say it a podcast wow good job you replaced the word boner with podcast yep

yep it's what this show's been building to for the last year and a half a huge boner a huge boner hello everybody my name is griffin claude bears for dauphin newman i'm david sims david l sims yes david lawrence sims hey now hey now uh we're the two friends hashtag it if you want David L. Sims. Yes. David Lawrence Sims. Hey now. Hey now. We're the two friends. Hashtag it if you want. We're two friends who host a podcast. And this podcast is called Blank Check with Griffin and David. Do you smell that?

A colon? There's a colon. At the end of the name of our podcast. I don't like to smell colons, personally. Oh, then you must not have a lot to talk about with dogs. And let's just keep going. Get that joke? Yeah, I do. That was kind of the joke I was making.

You just expanded on it. I plussed it. Yeah. I yes-handed it. Mm-hmm. There's a reason they call me Yes Andrew. Don't do that. Let's start reason they call me Yes Andrew. Don't do that. Let's start over.

This is the worst. You want to start over? A few days after Mitch died, I was walking through the yard. No, no, no. A podcast. This is a podcast called We Podcast. We're talking about the movies of Cameron Crowe.

It's a miniseries within a larger franchise. Whatever. Think of this as our American Horror Story hotel. Yeah, exactly. It's about as bad and disorienting. And it's mostly set in a hotel. And Lady Gaga's in it. She's not in it. In the podcast.

She's in that show. She's in our hearts and minds, though. It's been a couple weeks since we recorded. Griffin's been tweeting up a sad storm on the Twitters. I mean, look, I don't want to brag, but I have cried myself to sleep almost every night since we last recorded. I had a lovely vacation. Oh, great. So we're both shaking the rust off.

Congratulations. Different rusts. Yeah. And we decided to do that with a discussion of the film Elizabethtown. Yeah, so our last- We did a whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we were banking up our episodes for a while.

Yeah, sure, sure. But there was also a bit of a jumble. This is what you call inside baseball. There's a bit of a jumble in the order. Okay. They weren't recorded consecutively. No. So you'll hear them straight through, but this is our first time recording in like three weeks.

Yeah, yeah, about. but this is our first time recording in like three weeks. Yeah, yeah, about. And yeah, I'm sad in certain episodes you've listened to and not other ones because of the order they're releasing, but breaking news, very much sad right now. Sorry. Hey. Apology accepted.

What if any time something really bad happened to someone, like a relative died, I just went, sorry. That was my reaction. I mean, mean look that would fit into the film elizabethtown a film about people having weird unrealistic reactions grief yep yes uh elizabethtown elizabethtown we're gonna talk about elizabethtown it is cam is Cameron Crowe's sixth movie seventh if you count the gap ad oh yeah right so in our yes I think for our chronology it's his seventh

movie yeah keep setting it up I'm just gonna eat a bagel because I'm feeling nostalgic for the early days we talked for 45 minutes before we started this podcast Griffin and producer Ben and I and then the minute we start recording he opens his fucking bagel this podcast. Griffin and producer Ben and I. And then the minute we start recording, he opens his fucking

bagel in the middle of the studio. I'm trying to make this podcast great again. So, Elizabeth Town. It's Cameron Crowe's seventh film. Before Elizabeth Town, all his movies had done well. You know, maybe singles and Say Anything were not big hits,

but they weren't that, you know. All those movies did great. And Manila's Guy was not a huge critical success, but made a lot of money. Made a lot of money, whereas Almost Famous didn't make a lot of money, but it won an Oscar, and it became very well-loved and all that. So, you know, Cameron Crowe, good run. He had a good run. All of his films up until this point were very successful in one way or another.

Yes. If not both. If not both. And this film, a film that is obsessed with the idea of career ruining failure, as the film points out, fiascos, was his first fiasco in his career. And yet not the last. No. But this was a film that felt like a fiasco even before it came out. It was a film that had a major recasting a couple weeks into filming.

I think like a week before filming started. Okay, fine. They hadn't started yet, but they were deep in rehearsals. Yeah, and they cast everyone else around Ashton Kutcher. That's right. And then they decided that Ashton Kutcher and Kirsten Dunst had no chemistry. Kirsten Dunst. Yeah.

So they recast him with Orlando Bloom. I want to just establish this right now because I think this is going to be- No, it is 2005. I know. Orlando Bloom is a name. Can we point out his run of films up until this point? Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring. Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.

You've been in Black Hawk Down, my friend. Black Hawk Down? You're forgetting Black Hawk Down. I'm not forgetting. I wasn't going chronological order. Lord of the Rings, Return of the King. Black Hawk Down. Troy.

And Pirates of the Caribbean, Curse of the Black Pearl. Sure. Hollywood was looking at this guy like, maybe he's just got... And Kingdom of Heaven. Kingdom of Heaven came out right before Elizabethtown. I know. I'm talking about the films that were leading into him being cast. All right, whatever.

Because Kingdom of Heaven... Oh, what about the Gap commercial? And the Gap commercial. Your face is red right now because you forgot the Gap commercial. Hey, look. I'm Scarlet with embarrassment. And there's someone else. No, no, no.

So keep going. He'd also been in like Troy. He'd been in Troy. You don't want me to talk about that red face bastard? All right. All right. You can talk about it. But Troy, you forgot Troy.

I was not forgetting Troy. You derailed me. No, you were done. I was not done. Check the tape. Anyway. Troy. He had not whiffed up until that point.

Right. But also, he'd never been the lead of a movie. He'd just been in movies. But here's the thing about the film industry. Right. It's very dumb. Well, and also he's very handsome. He's a handsome boy.

But I remember that even at the time, even when he got this role, the vibe was like, oh, Orlando Bloom, he might be just the flavor of the month. So here's what I remember the vibe was like oh Orlando Bloom like he might be just the flavor of the month so here's what I remember the vibe being I remember it being I guess this is if he's gonna prove he's actually got it this is the moment

like at this point he just maybe got lucky well no okay beyond that okay he was in the Lord of the Rings movies in which his character

did some cool stuff with a bow and arrow yes and like certainly had his fans but it's not like anyone was out there saying like one of the best performances in those movies is orlando bloom

i will say he was my favorite character in lord of the rings really and i was like i want to see orlando bloom in more movies well you're crazy but there were some people like you there must have been and then he was in pirates of the car Caribbean and was, I would say, an active drag on the film's quality. Anytime they cut to him or his story is invoked, my reaction, and I think some people's reaction is, Oh, get on with it. We don't care. Move along. Keira Knightley is pretty charming and winning in those movies. Pretty delightful in those films. And she's his romantic interest in that movie.

But Orlando Bloom with his daddy issues and he's a sword maker. Who cares? Nobody cares. And yet he is the one they brought back for POTC 5 and not Miss Knightley. Well, didn't she just say no? Probably. Yeah.

What do you mean? He'll do anything at this point. Yeah, I just thought of that. The third one ends with them being like, we're going to leave behind the pirating life and be in love forever. No, the third one ends with him abandoned on an island, you wacko. I'm sorry. The third one ends with him returning home to her. Yeah, but they can only see each other once every 10 years.

I thought the end was he's back for good after being gone for 10 years. I thought that's what the ending was. But they can only see each other every 10 years, I thought. I don't know. She has to go to his island every 10 years. Oh, right. Yeah. He's abandoned forever. I just remember he's had his heart ripped out, right? Literally, he's got like a big... Yeah, he's the new David... Look,

one day we'll do our big Gore Verbinski marathon. You know, Pod Verbincast. Yeah, that's not bad. Wow, so derailed. So early. Also, Podrits of the Castabean. Yeah, that's not bad. Wow, so derailed. So early. Also, Potterets of the

cast of being. Oh, pretty good. Pretty good. Gotta do it now. Anyway, so do the Ben names. Hold on one second. Nah, just do them. My point was he had this sort of heat. Hollywood is stupid. They're usually not good at analyzing

why people like things or respond to things. So they just went, this guy's sure in a lot of movies that people like. He's a big name now. Girls got him hanging up in their lockers. Literally, girls would abduct him and hang him up in their lockers. Sure. Maybe, maybe. What's interesting is not that, that they would make that decision.

That's illogical enough. Weird, dumb Hollywood. It's more that Cameron Crowe would buy into it. He had been a pretty good caster. No, I don't mean podcaster, because podcasts didn't exist yet. I mean caster of actors. No, it didn't. And now that you brought this up, I mean, it's important for me to bring up the man who invented podcasts.

Oh, yeah, go ahead. He's the producer of this show uh huh you really were struggling there one could say he's the producer of this show he's the Ben Ducer you know I mean he's the poet laureate he's the Haas the fuck master birthday Benny Mr. Positive

do not call him Professor Crispy sure do wish him a hello, Fanal. If you want. Yeah. I mean, if you see him. Keep your eyes open for his eyes, because he's peeping. Always.

He's been known to peep. He'll peep. He is the peeper. He's our finest film critic. Yep. That is known. Definitively. He's the Haas.

Yeah. And, you know, he's come a long way since starting with us on this podcast. I mean, he's, you know. Do you think, like, people just, like, press, like, the plus 45 seconds mark when you start this? I think they rewind once I'm done, and they go back to the beginning, and they listen to it again. Yeah, you're probably right. And they slow it down. So his names are, like, you know, Kylo Ben and-

Producer Ben Kenobi. Producer Ben Kenobi and Ben Knight Shyamalan. Ben Knight Shyamalan. And Ben Seit, yeah. And- What's his new Cameron Crowe name or have we not decided yet? The two that have been thrown out- Benny Lane is brewing.

And then you had me at Hello Fanel. It was more of a sentence. Sure. No, I like Benny Lane, though. That's great. Yeah, Benny Lane's pretty good. But, you know, it's not official yet. We still got a couple movies to go

it's not official with town hey now 27 comedy points Ben Hosley ladies and gentlemen hey guys how are you doing Ben I'm doing good so you're not feeling like strapping a butcher

knife to an exercise bike and stabbing yourself in the chest with it? No. Good. No, I'm summertime, went to the beach a bunch. Has anyone ever, I went to the beach last weekend too. Where'd you go? Which beach?

Fort Tilden. Very nice. I went there. Griffin filmed a movie called that. Yeah. With a scene set there. Did they film at Fort Tilden? Or was it at a different beach?

I believe it was at a different beach. Yeah. Some movie magic for you. Yeah. I went to Robert Moses Beach. Yes, go on. scene set there, did they film at Fort Tilden? Or was it at a different beach? I believe it was at a different beach. Some movie magic for you. I went to Robert Moses Beach. Yes, go on. The only way for you to know is to rent that film on Amazon. Amazon Video, my favorite video provider, a great company. You can also rent it on iTunes or other video providers. Don't fuck with that. There's actually a bunch of

UCB people in the film and I don't know if you guys know, there's a UCB comedy podcast network. That's true, there is. A bunch of UCB performers in the film. And I don't know if you guys know, there's a UCB comedy podcast network. That's true, there is! With a bunch of UCB performers. Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of podcast, Ben? Oh, well, hey, you interested in long-form improv?

Because we got a show called UCB Long-Form Conversations. Oh, well, I was about to say, I'm not interested in listening to someone talk about it for a little bit. But as long as the conversations are as long as the improv shows, I'm down, baby. Perfect. Down the clown. Hey, let's say, I don't know, you like sex relationships?

A little menage a trois radio with Murph and Diana. I don't want to talk about sex. You know what? Honestly, though, let's just get to the film. Let's get to the film. Okay. So what I find interesting about the Orlando Bloom phenomenon is that he was in all these successive big hits. Big blockbusters.

Never the star, but certainly a cog. He was always a big part, a central character. Not in Black Hawk Down. In Black Hawk Down he just falls. He's the Black Hawk. Well, no, it's the helicopter. I mean, he's the guy who goes down. No, he falls out of a helicopter.

Right. No, but it's the helicopter that goes down and he's actually not involved they get him it's these two other guys that come his name was Sergeant Blackhawk his name was Blackburn PFC Blackburn yeah but that was pre

I think he may have made that pre Lord of the Rings didn't he or maybe he made it after shooting Lord of the Rings but yes I came out at the same time and he's actually pretty good in it because it's five minutes. He is pretty charming in it. Yeah. And of course he's, yeah, he was in Lord of the Rings. But outside that film, the other films, that is a small role.

The other films, he has larger roles, but they're all like very heightened period pieces. Yes. Like he becomes very big, but doing this sort of modern day Errol Flynn thing to a degree. No, it's not even period fantasy pieces. Well, it's not even period. Fantasy pieces. Well, Troy. Troy is, quote unquote, a period piece.

Okay. In that the Peloponnesian War happened in some form or another, but it's basically fantasy. He did fantasy films set in the past. Yeah, absolutely. So he's speaking in a heightened form of English. Yes. In an English accent. Yup. Note. Yup. Huge. God, he's speaking in like a heightened form of English. Yes. In an English accent. Yup.

Note. Yup. Huge. God, he's awful in Troy. And those parts mostly ask him to be physical, which let's say this. He's a very good physical actor. If we learned anything from Denim Invasion, he's a good physical actor. I forgot that we talked about Denim Invasion a bunch.

That was a while back, so I forgot about that. But yes, of course, Denim Invasion, very physical actor. Not just like- I think he's alright as Legolas. I think that he's... I went really high on that opinion. As Legolas, he's, you know, obviously supposed to be kind of

an impassive sort of... I don't know, dweeb. I don't know how you put... Elves in those movies are such hoity-toity jerks. And he's, like, decent as a hoity-toity jerk. And I remember in Fellowship of the Ring when Gandalf dies, he's pretty good at the sort of, like, elf. Spoiler alert.

Well, he comes back. Wait, what? He's good at the sort of elf reaction, which is kind of no reaction, but he just seems a little lost. I remember thinking, like, okay, he's okay. That's what I mean. He's a at the sort of elf reaction, which is kind of no reaction, but he just seems a little lost. You know, I remember thinking like, okay, he's okay. Which I mean, he's a good physical actor. I mean, look, dude obviously looks great, right? And he holds the camera well.

But there is something to the fact that- He's very handsome, yeah. He always was playing these kind of stoic, emotionally reserved kind of swashbuckler guys. Except in Troy, in which he literally plays like a douchebag. He's not great at it. No, but it's also, I mean, that film isn't very behavioral. Or good.

Agreed. It's not very good. It was this weird phenomenon. At least the other movies were good. It was a very weird phenomenon of someone who had been in like six consecutive huge films and was an integral part in all of them

to one degree or another and people didn't really have any idea whether or not he could actually act. But he was certainly being pushed on us and he was in you know he was in jeans commercials and he was swooning around town The ladies loved him. He was dating Kate Bosworth Kate's Bosworth

Kate's Bosworth herself Ashton Kutcher who was also sort of a flavor du jour at the time. This is like a year into Punk's run. And I remember after Punk, there was this thing of like. He had maybe just left that 70s show. Is that right? I believe so.

Right. Like around then is when he leaves that 70s show. Because like while he was on that 70s show, he did like, you know, okay, dude, where's my car and stuff. And then with Punk, weirdly, everyone was like, wait, is he a serious actor? Which is stupid. And I remember him being thrown around for a bunch of stuff and it was like

we liked him on Punk'd for the opposite. People complain about culture today and like what's going on in culture but there was a time when Punk'd was much watched. Must watch TV. Yeah. Punk'd. Remember when Ashton Kutcher was like the first celebrity on Twitter so everybody followed Ashton Kutcher? Yeah. Yeah thank god

that's not true anymore. But it's weird that Punk'd made him so big when he was not the guy doing the Punk'd. When his role is doing the introductions and... Yeah, but he was so sexy because his baseball cap was sideways and he hadn't shaved. All that shit, but he just blew up suddenly, right? After being

a guy, suddenly he became everyone being like... It was the same kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. Where they looked at something he was very successful and popular in doing and went like, can we apply him to other things? They fire Ashton Kutcher and they hire Orlando Bloom, who he had worked with in Denim Invasion. Now, let's just-

Wait, on Punk'd? No, on this movie. Although I do think Orlando Bloom was Punk'd. He must have been. By this movie, you mean? Yes. Or you mean he was By this movie you mean? Yes. Or you mean he was in the show Punk? Both.

This is to my eyes I cannot think of a more catastrophic lead performance in a film. Yeah. He is horrendous in the film. The film is not just bad because of him but if the film was beautifully written and acted around him

and well made around him, it would still be bad if he was the same. I think if you had... There is a horrible sucking sound anytime he's on screen. I'm going to throw out a very controversial opinion. Oh, boy. I don't hate this movie. Sure. That's not that controversial.

Some people sort of defend this movie. I don't know if I can Sure. That's not that controversial. Some people sort of defend this movie. I don't know if I can go as far as saying defend it. I just read an article by my internet pal Amos Barshad, who used to work at Grantland, and I remember he had written a movie in honor of, an article in honor of this film's 10th anniversary that was sort of like a quasi-defense. You know.

My pal Joanna Robinson, we were tweeting with her just this morning, says she kind of likes this movie. She said she liked it for Kirsten Dunst and the soundtrack. I know a friend of the podcast, Sophie Peralt, also is a big fan. She's a big fan of this movie? I believe so. I don't want to misquote her, but I know

she was nervous about us doing this episode. Sorry, Sophie. I had never seen the film before. It was the only Cameron Crowe film I hadn't seen I was scared to watch it because I do really love Cameron Crowe as a sad white boy

I don't that's the thing as much as I worship at the ground of Jerry Maguire I have no particular I like a lot of his movies but I don't have any Cameron Crowe to me is not for some reason what I put my flag on. Like when he started

sucking I was just like oh he must suck. He must suck now. Yeah I'm someone who still like waits by the chimney going like Cameron's going to come back with a bag of toys. There really is that feeling every time he makes a new thing. People are like is this it? Is this it? Is this it? But I had always been afraid to watch it because people are new thing. People are like, is this it? Is this it? Is this it? But

I had always been afraid to watch it because people are quite scathing. The people who hate this movie and they are the vast majority of human beings who have ever seen this movie hate it violently. Yeah, they really don't like it. I'm with them. And I kept on being like, I

don't understand how it could be that disastrous. Right. You know what I'm saying? You watched it? Yes, I do't understand how it could be that disastrous. Right. You know what I'm saying? You watched it? Yes, I do know what you're saying because when you hear the plot of the movie, it's like, oh, you know, it's kind of Jerry Maguire-y. It's like, oh, a guy is down on his luck after his professional life tanks. Yeah. His dad dies.

He goes to this cutesy town where the dad's from, has some little cutesy town adventures, meets a cutesy girl. They have a cutesy romance, and then the problem's solved. I feel like, yes. And then Susan Sarandon is there. Sarandon, Sarandon, Sarandon. Sarandon. Sarandon.

Friend of the show. I believe that, I find usually the movies that people get enraged about. Yeah. I'm enraged about this movie, just to be clear. Well, yeah, but I'm saying, I always would hear that people were enraged about yeah um i'm enraged about this movie just to be clear well yeah but i'm saying i always would hear that people were enraged about this movie and it would be very hard for me to imagine that because i go well just looking at what the film is it feels like the worst case scenario of this movie is just kind of glib and inert it

doesn't feel like something you could get angry about yeah but no this this movie is is cameron crowe like going wrong it's like cameron Cameron Crowe having a stroke or something while he's writing it. And also calling his own shot. I mean, making a movie about a guy destroyed by failure, that is the failure that he... I'm not giving him credit for that. You shouldn't because he made Jerry Maguire. I think it's fascinating that he made a movie this obsessed with failure before he had experienced it in the movie itself. Again, he'd already made that movie.

It's Jerry Maguire. Yeah. It's a good movie. I don't know why he made this movie. This isn't right. So apparently, you know, apparently like Almost Famous, this is a semi-autobiographical film. Uh-huh. His dad had died.

And like, I don't know much more than that that but he had some sort of like emotional experiences that he related into this screenplay Cameron Crowe lost a billion dollars on a shoe Spasmodica but that's the difference between how this film approaches failure and Jerry Maguire

approaches failure is that Jerry Maguire is like a guy who is disillusioned by what he sees around him and wants to figure out how to be a more substantial person doing more important things in the world. This film is about someone who's put themselves on the line, put their heart and soul into everything and was roundly rejected by everyone and experiences the entire fallout of that. And it feels like a movie made by someone who is grieving and trying to lick their wounds,

but he hadn't experienced that yet. Unless this film is a reaction of Vanilla Sky? Maybe, I guess. But that's one reason the film's depiction of professional grief makes no sense. You don't feel the impact at all when he's going to kill himself by strapping a knife to a bike that doesn't feel earned. I think a lot of that's on performance too. I'm not saying the script is doing real heavy lifting.

It's doing no lifting because it gives him no lines. I don't think there is one moment in this film where Orlando Bloom convinces me. Emotes. Yes. Where he emotes. Yes. Oh well maybe when he's crying in the car at the end. Boy, oh boy.

But that's it. No, that's fine. You're saying, oh, the script isn't totally to blame. Orlando Bloom could have maybe been crying when he was going to kill himself with a bike strapped to an exercise. How is it even going to work? A knife strapped to an exercise bike. Is he going to keep pedaling and it's going to repeatedly stab him?

That was the idea. Ben, do you want to say your name for the bike? Oh, yeah, sure. I think it would be funny if we called it a suicide cycle. A hundred comedy points. Yep. He made that joke earlier and I laughed like an English king. I think the

right actor in this role, four comedy points for the English king. No, go ahead. I think the right actor. Who's the right actor? Well, I was trying to figure this out last night. Okay? Because Kutcher and Orlando Bloom are your partner. So I looked at other actors in that age range.

anyone who I saw born either of those years who I thought could have pulled off the role was not well known at that point in time. Their career didn't start until after. You could make him a couple years older. Bloom was probably, what, like 28? Yeah.

27, 28 years old. I think Joe Robinson threw out that Jake Gyllenhaal was up for the film. Yeah, Joe Robinson mentioned Jake Gyllenhaal. He would have been good. I think he would have been good. Maybe. He at least can act. He decided to make Brokeback Mountain this year instead.

Good choice. Good call. I mean, I don't think he got the role, but I'm just saying. He made Brokeback Mountain in 2005, got an Oscar nomination. It was a good performance. I think Tobey Maguire could have done it. No. You don't?

No. I think Tobey Maguire is not suited to roles in which he has to play a regular person interesting but I don't think this character is a regular person what is this character? do tell he's supposed to be regular

he's supposed to be like a successful guy who then like it all went crashing down but is aggressively miserable you never see him before it comes crashing down. So what you need to play is someone who cannot function anymore. Also, how old is he? 27? Late 20s, late 20s maybe?

It's so unclear. It is. It's like he's some whiz kid that's really good at making shoes. Yeah, they don't. Well, okay, so the other thing is, all right, so the movie's two hours long, and it feels long. It was screened at Toronto, and I think it was like two and a half hours long. I believe so.

And it was essentially booed. Yeah. It was roundly reviled. And a movie, when it's screened at Toronto, that's in preparation often for an Oscar run. That's like your big fall festival. The film was only like two months out from release at that point. A month and a half. And so they took the scissors to it and they cut it down to this.

I don't know that the other cut is better. My guess is it's worse. The last thing this movie needs is to be longer. What this movie needs is to not exist. But that's maybe we're losing. I'm just saying maybe we're losing some story there. You know, some sort of background. I don't know.

I feel the loss in subplots. I feel like how underserved a lot of the supporting characters are in the film. You know? The cut that exists is really just primarily about his relationship with Kirsten Dunst and him coming to terms with his father's death. Yeah, and a lot of wacky Kentucky shit. It loses a lot of the mom, the rest of the family. And I feel like it feels like Paul Schneider should have had more in this movie.

It feels like there's a big... I love Paul Schneider. Yeah. I think he's a wonderful, tremendous actor. But thank God he's not in more of this movie it feels like what is this movie i'm just sorry as we're talking about it like scenes are flooding back into my brain because my brain i think could already start to compartmentalize and get rid of it like you don't need this in your memory palace get it out can we i just i want to focus on the

two performances before we get to the talk about the film because the film doesn't much of a plot and most of this film is about the two i've been listening to talking about the film because the film doesn't much of a plot and most of this film is about the two performances and these two characters. I've been listening to our episodes back and almost every episode you'll say, I know we usually go through the plot sequentially, but this is the kind of movie where that doesn't really work every single time.

It's hilarious. Every time you have some reason why we can't go through, we always go through. That's my catchphrase. Put it on a t-shirt. Real quick, real quick. I just have, I got a gripe. Shoot. I figured it out. It took me up until this movie. I think I had even kind of

sort of referenced it in Jerry Maguire. I know what bothers me about all of Cameron Crone's movies. Oh, wow. They're all set from the perspective of an upper middle class

white person. Correct. And I am sick of it. By the time I got to this movie, I'm just like, oh, his shoe fucking job isn't working out. Fuck you, man.

I'll say this. Oh, God. And I'm glad we're talking about this now. I thought... Your zoo deal was not as profitable as you thought? Acquiring a zoo? Oh, boo-hoo. Oh, you're an escort on the zoo? Sorry, go ahead uh i i don't want to cast any hawaiian people well sorry boohoo space is being militarized and that's the thing aloha is the same fucking thing

his career has been disgraced too yeah it all opens on it's like he was a hot shot and then something happened and he was disgraced and in jerry mcguire at least it's like he had a moment of self-doubt yeah which is interesting yeah whereas in elizabethtown it's he literally designed the stupidest fucking looking shoe anyone in the world has ever seen it had like a plastic hood over it what's the shoe called spasmodica and like this is the thing the the movie acts like it he fucked up on the shoe no one else looked at this shoe like someone might not have been like spasmodica might not be the name for the sneakers at least 400 million dollars is blamed on the name. Look at this shoe. Lift off. It looks like a stingray, kind of. Yeah.

They also talk about how it's like, I think it was supposed to be a revolution in terms of design of a shoe, but also. Well, there's the moment where he's holding up the little toy stingray. Yeah, you see him. Yeah, it's true. Right. I forgot about that. Right. It's all rapid.

Eight years. But like form and function. Because they say like new technology, we're going to make it feel like you're walking on a cloud. But they use like new materials. But 365 days in a year. Eight years he worked on this shoe. What? Really? He worked on this shoe for eight years?

That's what it says in the movie. He got a scholarship. Yeah, it was out of college. Right, recruited from, yeah. And there's the part where they open up the magazine at the end of the film and there's the quote from him that's you know they photoshop him sitting on a bomb that's dropping yeah and it goes like they really just gave me free reign to do whatever i wanted so i

think the idea is that no one checked in because he was such a wunderkind okay that's fine but he was such a wunderkind that he got a billion bucks to spend on a shoe like someone surely approved the spending but don't you find a. But don't you find it- A billion dollars? Don't you find it fascinating, and I'm not citing this as a reason why the film is more interesting. Don't you find it fascinating that, like,

this is his fucking Spadatica or whatever? Yeah, I mean, but it's- Like, this is someone giving him $70 million and being like, hands off, you're Cameron Crowe, you know what you're doing. It's almost like he got a blank check. The film's budget was $45 million. Really?

Just put that out there. Yep. I thought it was much higher. Okay. Orlando Bloom probably didn't make much money. The actors were not expensive. Yeah, but the last 20 minutes of the film are a road trip where they had to shoot in like 12 different states.

Yeah, sure. But I don't think they shot in 12 different states. I don't know. Some of those scenes are inside. I don't know. All right. come on. Lock the gates. Let's get in there.

Lock the gates. Lock the gates. Oh, God, it feels good to say lock the gates. What the fuck is wrong with me? Mark Maron would have been great. Is as the... The lead of Elizabethtown. Son of a bitch.

Honestly, he's probably about the right age in 2005. He's maybe a little older. He's probably in his early 30s. Mark Maron is now- Mark Maron is a suicidal businessman who is freaked out by Southerners. Yeah. He'd be great.

I believe his- I believe he's 13 years older than Orlando Bloom. If not more. You know, because of that interview where someone asked him, how old are you? And he's like, I'm 13 years older than Orlando Bloom. Yeah, I'm doing the math in my head because I looked up Orlando Bloom's age last night. Orlando's bloom date? I looked up the date he bloomed.

And Mark Maron mentions his age a lot. How old is Mark Maron? I believe he's 51. Yeah, okay. And Orlando Bloom is like 37. He's too old. Here's the guy who would be my number one pick. And unfortunately, although he was an established actor,

he was not in the place in his career where they would have done this. He is older as well. Who? But always, you know, drinking from that fountain of youth, could have pulled it off. Rudd? Yep. Yeah, yeah.

He'd probably be pretty good. He'd probably be pretty good. He'd probably be pretty good. Rudd struggles, I would say, with bland material, and this film is somewhat. I don't know if anyone could. I mean. I think someone could make this film 10% better, which would mean the film is still.

It would be 10%, at 10%. It would be at 10%. I'd give it like 40. No. No. I would give it zero. Zero. With a good performance

at lead, I'd give it like 40%. Zero. Out of what, you ask? A million. Okay. Out of a billion.

Well, look. Out of 900 and however many, $972 million. I think... It gets zero dollars. Cameron Crowe is, you know, not plot heavy.

He writes these films that are very character based and are really... This film is not character based. That's the problem. In theory. Right, right, right. In theory, yes. But he writes these films that are meant to be carried by a movie star.

Someone who's got a deaf touch and is sort of very behavioral and charismatic and offhand. And Orlando Bloom cannot do any of that. Let's talk about the biggest problem in this film. His American accent in this film. Oh boy. It is a nightmare.

Here's how I would describe it. Her accent's bad too, P.S. Yeah, she commits to it less which weirdly makes it better.

She's playing it really hard the first couple scenes as tough and then it kind of like fades away for a lot of the movie but it's less jarring

because I think her performance is actually good in a character that doesn't work I think she's actually very good in the film her performance is horrible I think she's good

in the film no she's not we'll get to this I think Kirsten Dunst is a great actress but she's bad in this movie we'll get to this

I think she's good in the film no Orlando Bloom I believe I would describe his accent in this we'll get to this i think she's good in the film no orlando bloom i believe i would describe his accent in this film as uh that of a talking tugboat from a nick jr cartoon okay you know like you know how like fucking talking vehicles on kid shows have to like enunciate everything and be as like inoffensive and friendly as possible. It's like, oh no, the bridge is coming down.

Come on, Tugger, we gotta sail fast. Right. That's sort of how Orlando Bloom talks in this movie. Yeah, that's a good call. Right? I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine, I'm doing all right.

Look, I gotta be honest, my dad just died. He's bad. So Kiki Dunst is also bad. She's bad in the film. It's not entirely her fault, it's a horrible character. It's bad. So Kiki Dunst is also bad. She's bad in the film. It's not entirely her fault. It's a horrible character. It's a horrible character. But I would say she's worse than Natalie Portman,

who did a similar role the year before. Strongly disagree. No. I mean, Natalie's bad too. I greatly prefer this performance. No. Garden State's a much better film than this film, and I don't like Garden State. Agreed. It's weird how similar they are in a lot of ways. Yeah,. Garden State's a much better film than this film and I don't like Garden State.

Agreed. It's weird how similar they are in a lot of ways. Yeah but Garden State's actually well made in a sort of way. Like it actually has

very obvious 101 film school like sort of visual shit but like at least that's something. This movie has nothing. This movie is zero. See I don't hate this movie as much as you do.

I hate this movie. There are elements of this movie I like which make it more frustrating for me. I was very aggravated watching this movie, but there are pieces that I like. It maybe speaks to my willingness to buy into the crow thing more than you are because I want to believe. You're the Sully to my Mulder on the crow front, perhaps? Scully, I think, not Sully. I'm not like an air pilot who landed a plane

in the ocean isn't that show about david dacovny and a and the monster from monsters inc investigating aliens together i like my version better well we could combine them someone threw out the other day i can't remember was some idea of something oh here here's here's a thought I've had. Do you think there's a scene in Clint Eastwood's Tom Hanks starring Sully Sullenberger, biopic Sully? It's called Sully. That's so funny. Go on. Yeah. Is there a scene that-

Do you think there's a scene in Sully where Sully goes to see Flight in theaters and is like, oh. I can nail this. I'm not even drunk. No, but that movie came out after and was so clearly based on him. Oh, was it? Okay. Oh, and he's just annoyed? It's just like, I guess that fucks up my chances of ever getting a biopic.

It's like 50% of the story's kind of been told already. Who's my John Goodman? Looks like it's, well, no, I mean, Aaron Eckert's playing the Brian Garrity role. I don't know who his Goodman is. I've never seen Flight. I don't know who his Goodman is. I've never seen Flight. I don't watch movies about planes crashing. Oh, right. You hate planes.

Yeah. That's why you like Say Anything because it ends with them being in the clear. I do. I was thinking about Say Anything when I was on a plane recently. Anyway. Kirsten Dunst. I mean, here's the thing. And maybe it's, you know, like.

And I really do like Kirsten Dunst. And this was, she'd just been in Eternal Sunshine. Yeah. She was just about to be in Marie Antoinette, or did it just come out? I think she's giving a lot of great performances. I believe Eternal, in 2004 she had Eternal Sunshine, Spider-Man 2, and Marie Antoinette. I believe those were all in the same year. Marie was in 2005?

No, you're right, Marie was 2005, you're correct. I'm sorry, I apologize. I think, I'll look it up now. I believe you're correct, I believe that was 2005. Keep talking. She's also, I think, about to be gripped by terrible life circumstances. Yeah. I think she's-

She was touch and go for a while. I don't know if it's- What are the circumstances? I'm not familiar. She went to rehab. She's had some troubles with substances. Oh, okay. Which is no judgment here, But I think that was,

there was a dip in her career for a while where she was taking it easy. She was laying low for a little while after this. Oh, Mary Antoinette is 2006. Oh, wow. And then Spider-Man 3 is 2007.

And then after that is when she kind of goes off the grid for a while. She goes for a little bit, yeah. And she comes back with all good things, which, you know, whatever. Had been shot much earlier. Right. Was on the shelf for a long time little bit, yeah. And she comes back with all good things, which, you know, whatever. Had been shot much earlier.

Right. Was on the shelf for a long time. So it's really, she comes back with melancholia in 2011. And she's been throwing heat since then. Yeah, totally. But I mean, so that's the thing. It's like, this is the tail end of her big star run,

which I guess started with Spider-Man, but had been sort of, the groundwork had been laid out. Bring it on, was building. Crazy beautiful. These very nice little performances. She turned down the village, with Spider-Man, but the groundwork had been laid. Bring it on, crazy beautiful, these very nice little performances. She turned down the village, as we've talked about in the past,

to do this film. She dropped out of the village. She was in it through pre-production, pulled out to do this film instead. I don't know if it's just having a bucket of piss to drink in the middle of a Sahara, but I think... Can I say this is a good performance?

You can say whatever you want. You can say anything. Oh, thank you. Singles. Vanilla or Scotty? I forgot we did that. I think, uh... she is at least doing the very crucial thing that Orlando Bloom is incapable of doing,

which is just be kind of charming and fun and light. I think that's, I guess, what she's going for. I watch her in this and I go, this is pretty good. Like, you are a movie star. Like, you know. No. I watch her in this and I'm like, I want to move to a place where there are no people. But I think that's the character.

What? She makes me want to rip my skin off? I think as written. What? What kind of defense is that? I don't think anyone could play it in a way where you would appreciate the performance. That's probably true. Right. That's what I'm saying. Because it would be tough to you would appreciate the performance. That's probably true. Right.

That's what I'm saying. It would be tough to make this character likable. Yeah. But nonetheless, you know, Kiki Dunst is who they gave me. That's who I got. I didn't like it. Yeah. I think she's better than Orlando Bloom.

Yeah. But, you know. So here's the weird thing of this movie is that Orlando Bloom's like not a character at all, right? He's just a guy who's sad. As an actor, you're essentially being given one task, which is show in the way you carry yourself, the look in your eyes, all these things, that you are a man really questioning your desire to live another day. To live. Right. Yeah.

But also because it's romantic comedy, find a way to still be engaging, to be romantic, to be all of this while carrying those two things, right? Right. Yeah. But also because it's romantic comedy find a way to still be engaging to be romantic to be all of this while carrying those two things right? Right. It's something I think like someone like Rudd can do. Rudd might have been good but you know I do think of Rudd in How Do You Know which I feel like is a similar film to this.

Similar DNA to this movie. It's a much better performance of a very similar type of character. It's certainly a better performance by Miles. Yes. But, you know, it's not like Rudd's best performance. No, Rudd's best performances are in good movies. Yeah. That's the thing. It's like,

that's what I'm saying. We're sort of crap shooting around. It's like, yeah, I mean, people could have been better than Orlando Bloom, but I don't know if anyone would have really been good. It would have fixed one of the essential problems of this film. Orlando Bloom? To have someone

who was able to actually... He's one of the essential problems. Yes. Totally. But his character is all this feeling and this sort of backstory of his family. I guess. The failure, the shoe, but he has no personality. No.

Well, this is the thing. The film... All right, so... I'm gonna start on the plot. Kirsten Dunst is the inverse of that. I'm gonna start on the plot. She's all, like, affectation and she has no actual character.

No character. But she's got, like, no inner life. For him. He's, like, just inner life and he has no outer life and she's all outer life. She's just there for him.

But you know what I'm saying? They're each half a character. They're each half of a shitty character. No, he is half a character. She is no character. There is one half of one character between the two of them. That's what's going on.

I think she is like- No character. She's just a reflection of his needs and desires. Like she's just- I think she's a box. Oh. And I think he's a bunch of like-

And is he a round room? Fucking movie! I think he's a bunch of Is he a round room? Fucking movie! I think he's a bunch of like fucking like loose loose bullshit. You know? Yeah, sure.

He's just like a bag of like parts. Well, there's not even a bag. There's a bunch of parts lying on the floor. Okay, so here's the plot of the film. Yeah.

Drew Baylor. A hot shot shoe designer. Yeah, I don't like that name. No. No, no. Is this the movie you hate most of all the movies we've talked about on this show? Maybe. Yeah, maybe.

I really hate Revenge of the Sith, but more because of like, you know, I love Star Wars, and I feel like that one kind of pisses me off the most. But I don't think I hate it nearly as much as this movie. Well, betrayed, you know, the trust we had invested after Phantom. All that, right, right. I feel like there's some Shyamalan movie that made me this angry, though. Yeah, Lady in the Water. Oh, yeah, which I love.

But Lady in the Water was at least, like, had that kind of sort of stupefying element. It was a tough watch. Yeah. It was a tough watch. But that's what I'm saying. Like, isn't it fascinating to you that, like, if someone describes you the plot of of a Lady in the Water,

you go like, yeah, I can see how that movie's a disaster. Yeah, but I'm interested to see what that looks like. But someone describes to you like, the plot of Elizabethtown, you go like, how bad could it be? Like, worst case scenario, it's just not very effective. Someone describes the plot of that movie to me, and my reaction is like, oh, I'll skip that. That doesn't sound interesting.

Which is exactly what I did. You know, it was kind of like, they described like, oh, it's like a mopey thing where his dad dies and he meets this like cute girl and like and I was just like and is it good and they're like no it's really bad and I was like okay so then forget it like that just sounds boring yeah I just don't want to see it because I see I like mopey movies about people coming to terms with stuff I think the last kiss was right around this point yeah I, I never saw that one. To speak of another Braff movie, which I did see because I had to review it for the college newspaper. And that's one of the most heinous movies I've ever seen. And I remember, like, it's very similar.

Very similar. Upper middle class white guy has some problem. Well, this is the thing that Ben was getting at. It's like, Cameron Crowe is maybe the whitest filmmaker of all time. Oh, boy. You know? I do. In a lot of ways.

Yes. In sort of every sense yes uh and he makes like you know this is the the the top of the heap which is funny because yeah no this is anyway carry on no i just think that uh you know there's a big cultural conversation going on that are like hey less movies about this right Right. About, like, good-looking white guys who, like, have, like, come from, like, a solid background and experience some sort of, like, small failure

and completely self-destruct. Sure. And go, like, woe is me for the entire film. You know? Billion dollars, though. Not good. Not good.

Not good. So, that's, let me continue with the plot. Drew Baylor, hit shoe designer. Moving the mic around. Although he's never designed a shoe before. I guess. There's no context.

It feels like they recruited him just to do this one shoe. There's no context. I do love the opening of this movie. The opening, at least, in a good movie, the opening could be good. The first five minutes, I was like, is this my least? You're interested. The opening, two shots are good. I'm fine. The truck pulling minutes I was like, you're interested. The opening, like two shots are good or the truck pulling up

and then they open up the gates. They unlock the gates. True. Unlock the gates! No, he didn't say that. That's the opening line of the film. Slander. And then they see all the boxes

that are like return and they go like, ugh. And then he goes on this speech about the difference between a failure and a fiasco. Then a fiasco takes like ambition, you know? Which is the line that my former colleague Nathan Raven borrowed to do his My Year of Flops franchise, whatever, feature. Yeah.

The V Club where he, and this is the first movie, and this is where he, you know, Manic Pixie Dream Girl, blah, blah, blah. All that came from that. And yeah, this movie is a fiasco. Yeah. That line is good where it's like the difference is a fiasco is something where it's so bad that other people are happy because it didn't happen to them. Yeah.

But just to see you. Yeah. And this sort of confounding sense of like, how was this allowed to happen? Yeah, how could this possibly happen? So he, I guess, lost a billion dollars at this shoe company making a really bad shoe. Baldwin. Alec Baldwin, who's tremendous. Really good dollars at this shoe company making a really bad shoe. Baldwin.

Alec Baldwin, who's tremendous. Really good in this movie. He's always good. He's always good. But this was that weird period where he was like, hadn't come into 30 Rock yet, so he was just sort of like... No, but Hollywood had hit on him. It's like, you know what? Alec Baldwin can be fat. Why isn't he just fat? I'm serious. He'd already gotten his

Oscar nomination, right? Because the cooler, I think, is 2003. Correct. And so it was like this sort of thing where we had to all remember I'm serious he'd already gotten his Oscar nomination right because the cooler I think is 2003 correct and so it was like this sort of thing where we had all remembered that Alec Baldwin's very funny and dry

has like a really like unique sort of screen presence he'd been in like shit like a long game poly but like you know

he was sort of popping up but look he's best when he's mean he's best when he's mean he's best when he's fat agreed

and he's a character actor he's a character actor and this is the thing like you see a movie like fat. Agreed. And he's a character actor. He's a character actor. And this is the thing. You see a movie like Married to the Mob, which he has a small part in, he's hysterical. He's so funny. Yeah.

Then, of course, Hollywood tries to put him in the big movies, and he's not that interesting. I think there's exactly one good conventional leading Alec Baldwin performance. Hunt for Red October? Oh, yeah. He's alright in that. No I was going to argue Beetlejuice. I wouldn't call it that's a character performance.

Well that's why I think it's good. He's the lead in the film. He's the lead in that film. Yeah kind of. Everyone is supporting in that film except for Winona. I think he's good in that film

because he's playing a dork. He's wonderful. Anytime you ask him to be like the handsome charming guy Hunt for Red October is the best of those. He's alright in Hunt for October. But you look at it and you go, okay, I get why he didn't ever really

click this way. I like him in The Edge. Yeah. Oh, with the bear. And the beard. BJ and the bear. BJ and the beard. Yeah, yeah, The Edge is fun. Because he's a dick in it. Yeah, that was the one, that's the one that What Just Happened is about, right? Yes. The Edge, yeah. Yeah. Have you gentlemen been watching Match Game? No, he's the one that What Just Happened is about, right? Yes. Have you, gentlemen, been watching Match Game?

No, he's the host. It is a stellar piece of television. I cannot recommend it enough. Here's my favorite element of the film, of the series, rather. Alec Baldwin has just stopped pretending that he's not a miserable, mean person. So he just is a miserable mean person. Because even like the character actor mode, he would like be playing mean people and then he'd like get caught saying something publicly, you know, something awful. And then he'd be like, I'm not that person.

Yeah, now he's just leaning in. On match game, he just makes fun of like everyone answers. It goes, that's a terrible answer. You're an idiot. Yeah, it's great. That sounds good. It really was the cooler, because before then, we had glimpses, like in

State of Maine, he's quite funny, but then he's also in Pearl Harbor, and that's awful. His best performance up to that point was Glengarry Glen Ross. He's so good in that. Right, and people would, of course, be like, why don't we see this guy? Because that's a character role. It's an aversion of what he appears to be.

That's another great one. He'd had his hot year with Along Came Polly and The Aviator. He was back. Well, the thing that saved him was SNL. Yeah, no, of course. Just being on SNL and sweaty balls and all that stuff.

And he would be so funny on them. People would be like, why is he so shitty the rest of the time he played on this? That's what Tina Fey taps into in 30 Rock starts in 05 or 06 I can't remember 05, 06 he gets divorced he gets sad, he gets fat and then suddenly he gets good. There's the Ireland Baldwin phone call

yeah anyway he is a great like you know great one scene performance where he is sort of calm and you're kind of hanging on this guy's words. I think it's pretty, like... And Bloom has... Yes.

Drew has set up, he's like this sort of weirdo CEO with, like, twos, you know, everything is in pairs. I think it's pretty directly based on Phil Knight, who's the CEO of Nike. Uh-huh. And is, like, an Oregon guy. Sure. And founded Leica Films.

Right. And pays for all those movies out of pocket because he just believes in stop motion animation because his son likes stop motion animation. I know. And Leica's great. I love Leica. But the scene where Alec Baldwin is like, Alec Baldwin has this great scene where he's explaining to him how much money has been lost.

Right. And he's got the great line where he goes like, nearly a billion dollars. I don't know how to explain to you how much money this is. And it's clear that he gets it, and then he gives them this tour of all the segments of his business. All the things that will have to go, yeah. Right, and Phil Knight's kind of a guy who sets up different projects with his money like that.

And then he offers them up for the slaughter to do this interview. To a reporter, yeah. Yeah. Basically, that's that. And Jessica Biel, who's his ex-girlfriend, who they've been on the outs is like showing him around it's clear she has no part in this movie no she doesn't i'm just saying the film is setting up that he's fired they're doing this interview it's gonna come out

it's gonna publicly shame him i get you and his girlfriend you know who already was distant has now lost all interest in him yeah so anyway it's basically a carbon copy of Jerry Maguire, so I don't know why he did that. It's a stupid idea to do it again. And you do the opening narration as well, and you do a lot of first-person camera work where it's everyone looking at him. Yep.

He already did this better. I don't know. And also, Cameron Crowe is writing a movie about his dad dying, right? And grief. But for some reason, he can't survive without this crutch of like, I'm going to make it about a guy who's on the bottom rung. Then he gets knocked lower. Like, it's stupid.

I would say, too, the main thing that confuses me is why isn't this an app? Why is it shoes? Well, it's 2000. Oh, right. I don't know. I feel like every office movie should just be about apps now. I get confused. I do kind of like that it's shoes.

But Ben, you're always obsessed with 90s technology. They got some good flip phones in this movie. Oh, don't you get me started. That's true. With some custom ringtones. Yeah, man. I was like, ah. All right.

We'll get there. Here's a difference between. And a fucking, there's a suicide cycle. Yeah. Here's the difference. Classic 90s technology. But talk about the lower rung thing. Here's the difference between this character and Jerry Maguire.

It's a fatal difference, okay? Yeah. This character has just given up. Yeah, sure. He's going to kill himself. And he's a nerd, and he just doesn't want to fight anymore. He just goes, okay, I fucked up. Yeah.

And it's a character who has no agency whatsoever because he just doesn't give a fight anymore. He just goes, okay, I fucked up. And it's a character who has no agency whatsoever because he just doesn't give a shit anymore. So here's the thing, and something I really hate in movies is movies that try to be cute about suicide. Agreed. Because you know, it's fine to obviously explore these things, but like

there is literally nothing cuter than, oh, he's gonna put a knife on a bicycle that'll stab him to death. Yeah. Like, he would have to be, I mean, look, I suppose you could say, like, Orlando Bloom is playing this character like he's basically catatonic, right? He's gone through something so crazy, losing all this money for his company, getting fired and publicly humiliated, that he's, like, emotionless, right? I don't think that was a deliberate thought i don't know if that was either the movie tries to play it that way by keeping

cutting to like bloom in a new location he's like walking like a zombie right like it's trying to make him look like a zombie i think it's just rolando bloom having a lack of pathos i think that's what it is i don't think this is what he's good at you know but when i'm yes but anyway so when i'm watching a movie of a guy strapping a knife to a bike and getting ready to die, I'm not into just him. This movie has this very obtrusive soundtrack, music playing over the thing, and Bloom's just sort of like, doop-de-doo, yeah, okay, this will stab me.

Okay, good. Phone's ringing. Don't you hate it when your phone's ringing when your knife's about to stab you in the chest? Why doesn't he jump off a building? Anything! There's no urgency to even how miserable he is. There's no urgency. He doesn't seem emotional.

And the whole movie is sort of like, what an inconvenience. Well, I can't wait to get back home and then kill myself. But it doesn't feel like he's really suffering that much. No, it doesn't. Most of the film you're like, oh, I guess you're feeling better. So at the end of the film when he's like, oh, I guess you're feeling better. So at the end of the film,

when he's like, I am going to go kill myself, you're like, oh, you're still, that thing still? Yeah, you don't believe it. No. And you don't even believe it

in the moment when he's on the bicycle. No, you don't. There's no moment where you believe it. Exactly. He just seems like a potato. Yeah, he's a potato. He's a hot potato. He's hot.

He's a hot potato. I mean, game recognize game. Guy looks good in this movie. He does. And the hair is really on point. His hair looks nice. I just kept on thinking about that. So who's on the other end of the phone?

It's forever the sibling on the phone, Judy Greer. I swear to God. This is like the 18th movie I've seen in which Judy Greer drops him for two scenes and is basically in the scenes like, you understand why I can't be in the rest of the movie, right? I'm just so busy with kids or something. Anyway, I love you, bye, you know? And you're like, why are you wasting Judy Greer?

Do you know what's craziest about that to me? This film is from 2005. Tragic comedy directed by Cameron Crowe. Tragic Comedy, directed by Cameron Crowe. Tragic Comedy. I remember when, before this film had screened at Toronto so disastrously, when it was just sort of on Oscar long list.

It was, certainly. I remember people going like, maybe Judy Greer and Elizabethtown? Because no one had seen it, and they just went like, she's such a good actress. Feels like she's overdue for a breakout part. I know what you're saying, but I mean,

I remember people really thought Susan Sarandon was going to get an Oscar nomination. I remember both of them being thrown out. And neither of them really have fucking anything to do in this movie. No. Sarandon has this one fucking monologue that is insane. It's awful. And Judy Greer has like less than nothing. She's nothing.

But I remember people being like, oh, Cameron Crowe's going to know what to do with Judy Greer. We all see And Judy Greer has like less than nothing. But I remember people being like, oh Cameron Crowe's gonna know what to do with Judy Greer. We all see that Judy Greer is great. Hasn't she been in a movie of his already? Is she in Vanilla Sky? Maybe for a moment. I'm trying to remember. I feel like, well she's in The Village. Yes. So maybe I'm just thinking

of that. She's great in Adaptation. Yeah. She's in it for like five seconds. Adaptation? She's got like four scenes in that movie. She's the waitress. Yeah, she keeps on going back to the restaurant. I know. Yeah, she's good in it. She's really good in that movie.

I find it fascinating that even like 11 years ago, we were like, when is someone gonna write a real meaty part for Judy Greer? And we're still fucking waiting uh yeah she's never even really gotten the right TV show I kind of like

that one uh what was it Mismatch that was Alicia Silverstone what was it called Miss Steak Missguided yes yeah that was like that was a flop yeah I watched every episode though all seven yeah chris barnes yeah no no i remember uh i like that show um i think you just like greer

i do but you know i remember i mean i i uh i enjoyed watching the show it was carried by greer yeah she was the x factor but uh misguided. Misguided. Generation X... Generation Y means Generation Y not. Was that the catchphrase? No, that was the catchphrase for Accidentally On Purpose, which was a Jenna Elfman Gets Pregnant show. Do you know Jenna Elfman has not had one series last past the first season since Darman Gregg, and she has been on, I believe, six series?

Is that true? Yeah. Did you know she's a Scientologist? I did. Do you know that Jenna Elfman's in Krippendorf's Tribe? Of course I know that. I've seen that film. Yeah.

It's bad. Who has it? Most people. Oh, it's a weird movie. A weird, weird movie. It's a weird movie. Would never get made today, should not have been made back then. Both true.

Do you know that film's based on a fucking novel? A really weird novel. A really gross, sexy novel. Yeah. It's sexy? It's more sexually explicit than the film.

Gotta read that. Do you? I'm in. Ben, what do you think of this Krippendorf's tribe road that we're going down?

I don't even know what any of that means. All I'm saying is I'm D-T-R-A-S-M. She was on... Down to read a sexy novel. Courting Alex. Yeah.

Accidentally on purpose. Yeah. Damages. 1,600 pen. Growing up Fisher. Five. Oh, okay. Five.

Yeah. That is crazy, though. And she's got a six one this fall. Quite possibly. Oh, she does. It's her and a computer animated imaginary friend. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yep. That sounds terrible.

Yep. Do you remember when Joey was on a show called Mac and Cheese and Friends and it was him and a robot called Cheese? That was funny. I thought you were going to say, do you remember when Joey was on a show called Joey? Yeah, Joey was great. It was about his adventures in Hollywood.

When people asked me why I dropped out of college, I was like, I made the same mistakes as NBC's Joey. You went to California too quick? Yeah. Yeah, lost the entire core supporting cast that were clearly propping up the character. The character did not work on his own. It was all about environment with that guy.

Oh, boy. Yeah. Anyway, the film Elizabethtown. So he gets a call on the phone before the suicide cycle. And again, I would love to know if he was supposed to pedal repeatedly as it stabbed him over and over again. Or if it was just going to deliver one stab wound to his heart. I have to imagine it was a cycle. I have to imagine he had to keep paddling.

Well, that's hard to imagine that someone would do that, even if they were, you know, gripped by the will to die. Have you seen Lord of the Rings? The guy slides down an elephant trunk. Come on. Yeah, yeah, he does do that. Rides a shield like a goddamn skateboard down a staircase. Yeah, he did that as well.

Fucking Legolas? You know this Legolas guy? Okay, yeah, I do. Dude, he did that as well. Fucking Legolas? You know this Legolas guy? Okay. Yeah, I do. He's got fucking bows and arrows and spears. A couple little daggers. Great hair. Oh.

Legolas? I hate that hair. Great hair. When I go to the barber, I hold a picture of Legolas. And they say, I don't think we can pull this off. Yeah. I hold a picture of Legolas And they say I don't think we can pull this off Yeah

So When I go to the ear doctor I hold a picture Of Legolas And he's like I'm a doctor not a plastic surgeon Yeah I gotta change the shape of your ears Remember when he was in the Hobbit movies Ooh

Yeah he played Legolas He came back Do you know in those films he played Legolas. He came back. Do you know in those films he plays Legolas? He does. So, Judy Greer is on the phone. His dad died. Oh boy. It's a bummer.

He goes home to Oregon. He's in Oregon probably already, but he goes home. If he worked for 19. He goes to see probably already, but he goes home. Yes. Because if he worked for quote unquote Nike. Yes. He goes to see his mother and his sister. He does. The beginning of, you see Judy Greer on the phone, right? Crying.

Then you see You cut to the three of them walking through an airport. I think it's important to explain how little we see of these characters before Susan Sarandon's speech at the end, right? We never see her. We see her three times maybe.

The first you see of her... And she's not emotive. No, the first you see of her in the film, she's going, oh my God, we got all these things to do this and that. What are we going to do about this? You have to deal with it. And then she goes, oh my God, I'm a widow. And it's like she hasn't thought about the fact...

Which I actually like. That's what that experience is like. Not bad. That scene is fine, although Bloom is, again, not really holding the camera when he's on screen, which is all the time. I'd say the problem is the opposite. It feels like he's holding the camera and not acting. Well, sure.

He's giving a performance with all the charisma of a camera operator. And that he is moving in time with where the shot's supposed to be. But other than that. So the dad, I guess, died in his hometown of Elizabethtown. Louisville. What? Louisville. In Kentucky.

No. You mean Lava? So Bloom has got to fly over to Kentucky. What part of Kentucky? I don't know. La-va. La-va, Kentucky. Oh, boy.

So he's got to do that. Yeah. And so he gets on a plane where he's the only passenger. How whimsical. In economy. Everyone else is in first class. How whimsical. You know those planes where first class sells out, but every other section is empty?

You know when the Portland to Louisville flight sells out first class? That overnight. Portland to Louisville. Red Eye. We're the only people. The fuck? Are all heavy rollers who want to fly in first. Everyone's going to get a hot brown and bring it back for the morning.

What's a hot brown? It's a Kentucky delicacy. I thought it was a poop. Well, it's fair enough. So, Kirsten Dawns, who we have glimpsed for a second getting her stewardess outfit on. And what an outfit it is. It seems like a normal stewardess outfit. She's on his plane and she's like, please, can we move you to first class?

She says, congratulations, sir. And he's like, I don't want to. And she's like, look, don't want to have to keep walking back. And so she moves him up to first class. They chat. She's trying to, you know, break down the barrier. He's ignoring her. Real hard.

He's giving her nothing. She's spending a lot of time and energy on a guy. It's a metaphor for the movie. Yep. Yeah, that's what, I mean, I think she's fucking, like, doing, like, Ginger Rogers dancing backwards. No, she's doing too much. Too much. That's the thing.

She's at 8,000% and he's at zero. You're like, can we both be at 50 and get to 100? Yeah, I mean, this sort of falls into the Anne Hathaway, James Franco Oscars thing, where it's like, she looks worse because he's doing nothing. She's trying too hard to overcompensate for what he's not doing. I understand what you're saying. I'm just, she's bad. I mean, also, it's a horribly written character.

I think it's a horribly written character. She's yapping on about, like, I think she's very good in it. I'm going to stand by that. That's stupid. I think she's, I think,

you know, like, like the soldiers storming the beach of Normandy. You can like an actor and think they're bad in a movie. Like, there are many cases of that

I can throw out. I mean, for one, you know what she's bad in? All the Spider-Man movies. I think she're bad in a movie. There are many cases of that I can throw out. For one, you know what she's bad in? All the Spider-Man movies. I think she's good in two. She's better in two because everything's better. I think she's very good in two.

But she's better. She's definitely better. She's very good in two. Her romance with the astronaut is really well explored in two. I think she's low-ville in two. She's dating an astronaut. I'm losing my mind. Hey, do you guys remember the conversation

they have on the plane? Please tell me. They talk about names. Hey, you know something about names. I have many. What do you think Kristen Dunst would say about a Ben? I feel like she'd be like, he's a real deep, pretty complex guy. He's pretty unpredictable.

You never know what he's going to say, what he's going to do. That's what makes him a wild card. Wait, so go on. Keeps you on the edge of your seat. What is he going to say next? What are you going to do, baby? I feel like, I mean, it's horrible reductive human stereotyping where she's like, oh, all Jacks are like this.

I never met a Brett who I didn't hate. And Patricia's are untrustworthy. What are we talking about? Fucking Elizabeth Townsend, 2005 tragic comedy directed by Cameron Crowe. Tragic comedy. So then he goes to Kentucky. Love it. She gives him all these directions.

She talks about people with their names. She asks him about his father. He doesn't let on that his father's dead. And she goes, he sounds like a great guy. The film feels like an annoying person is trying to bother you because his performance is so shut down that it's just her going like, then you're going to take a right here. Then you're going to take a left here, then you're gonna take a left here.

And you're just like, dude, just stop talking man, he's not giving you anything. Yeah, I mean the successful version of this scene happens a year earlier in Eternal Sunshine where Jim Carrey is playing a guy who's very shut down but with a lot of palpable pathos that make him interesting. He seems depressed. I mean that movie

I do fear like, oh if I watch that now, would I think, like, oh, what a sad white guy bastard movie this is. But Jim Carrey's performance is terrific in Eternal Sunshine. And Kate Winslet is playing a real character. Yes. Someone who is struggling to find an identity for herself and in the process creates a lot of external things. Right. But also that movie is an unhappy movie, whereas this movie is trying to be a happy movie. Right.

You know, that movie's not just about like, and then you get the girl, and then she makes you a map with a playlist, and you do the playlist map. Well, not to keep comparing it to Jerry Maguire, but Jerry Maguire is a guy who loses his way and tries to fight for what he believes in, and along the way has this relationship with this woman

where he changes how he feels. About the woman over time and it feels earned. This movie is a guy is miserable. He wants to do nothing, right? He just wants to fucking go on that like fucking moving like track way. And then this woman is like, I'm going to commit my life to making him happier. A stranger decides to commit her life to making him happier. For reasons that are not,

I can't discern except for that Orlando Bloom is cute and you want to pinch his cheek. Yeah, and he's the lead character in the film. True. Which is where the Manic Pixie Dream Girl thing comes in. And also men need women to fix that. Well, 100%. And I think the cornerstone of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl thing, because I feel like a lot

of times it is misapplied. Yeah, it can be misapplied. And towards other different shitty character types. Yeah, well, and also, I was saying this to our friend Lux today on Twitter. Yeah. Sometimes it just means bad movie. Like, you know, poorly written character. Right, right, exactly.

It's not like, oh, you wrote a great Manic Pixie Dream Girl. I loved that Manic. Like, it's a pejorative thing. Yes, 100%. And the key to the Manic Pixie Dream Girl thing for me is a woman who is so committed to making a guy's life better for no reason other than that he's the main character of the film. Yeah.

Like, that is her narrative function, is to, like, show him what he didn't realize and pull him out of his whatever. Which is what? That he's handsome and talented and, like, probably shouldn't kill himself right after his dad dies and his family is sad? Like, what if his dad dies, his family is sad,

and he's in the movie, like you said, he's like, well, I'm going to take care of this and then get right back on that bike that's like a line it's like wait your plan is to help bury your father and then in your family's hour of need murder yourself in this like gruesome way with a bike knife and then like they have to find your bloody body that's your plan am i supposed to have empathy for this guy not to mention mention like, okay, so yes. Big shoe failure. It's not like they're suing him for the billion dollars.

No! He got fired! He lost his job, but whatever money he had up until then, he has. And he threw all his possessions away. You could have sold him on Craigslist, buddy. Like a fucking dummy, right? Well, he wanted to kill himself. Yeah, but he also like... I forgot Javier Bardem is in the fifth Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's good casting. And Cruise is in the fourth. Why bother? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe she was like, Javier, I had a great time making... That's the fucking thing.

Every time they make... Pirates of the Caribbean. Javier, you must do it. Javier. Every time they make a Pirates of the Caribbean movie, they add one new element where I'm like, oh, fuck. That does sound good. Yeah, but then they're not good. And then I see it and I'm like, oh, fuck, that does sound good. And then I see it, and I'm like, nope,

not good. Not good movies. I still think the third movie's kind of amazing. I do, too. I think the third movie is like a perverse act of like... It's kind of incredible. I like the third movie because it just says fuck you. Yeah. Yeah.

The thing I was going to say... say oh and Brenton Thwaites is in it they're really trying to make him happen he's kinda cute in Gods of Egypt my favorite he's the new Sam Claflin

who they tried to make happen in the last one oh yeah okay anyway uh what were we saying his plan

to kill himself oh yeah uh yes this article's gonna come out in fucking Business Weekly Magazine yeah he's gonna be a little humiliated on the professional end kill himself oh yeah uh yes this this article is going to come out and fucking business magazine yeah he's gonna be a little humiliated on the professional end okay so maybe he's not gonna

get another job in the shoe industry but it's not like he's like fucking oj simpson you know we're like publicly everyone's obsessing over like well this guy fucked up you know like a lot of people are just not gonna give a shit yeah And if he wants to, he could just start a different career. Like yeah, probably. You're going to have a tough year of rebuilding. But I don't think his life is over. He's no Mel Gibson. He's no Mel Gibson. You going to eat that bagel?

I felt like I was eating too much on mic for the first half and I was trying to let... I'm just hungry. Apocalypto though? Do you want some of that bagel? No, no, it's your bagel. Okay. Apocalypto is a good movie. Okay, so he goes back home to Lovell. Apocalypto, though? Do you want some of that bagel? No, no, it's your bagel. Okay. I'll get my own bagel. Apocalypse is a good movie. It is a good movie. Okay, so he goes back home to Lovell. Oh, and the single worst fucking affectation in this movie,

Kirsten Dunst taking the imaginary pictures. Oh, my God. Do they have sex, or do they just sleep in bed together? Unclear. Yeah. I guess I don't care. Really? Yes.

Sex is cool. What's the best part of sex? What? Sex part. So it's not Kirsten Dunst taking an imaginary picture? No, no, not at all. The sex part. I like dressing. Yeah yeah that's my favorite part

dressing getting to recover my shame so he goes home yeah so there's a lot of she gives detailed

directions which is like who do you fucking care this much I mean again remember there are no there's no Google Maps. Yeah.

It's real hard to get lost there on the back roads of the Kentucky Highway. And of course he doesn't, even though he does the very thing she told him not to do. Yeah, he drives into Indiana somehow. Yeah. Oops. Gets there, his family, ooh boy. Oh, there are a bunch of characters, I guess. They sure seem like they're from the South and are poorer than him.

They seem like nice people. They seem fine. I mean, they're a little loud. Played by some good character actors and Paula Deen. She's pretty good. It's kind of weird. I didn't know she was in this. I did, but all I knew was that Paula Deen was in Elizabethtown. For all I knew, she played

herself. I didn't know at all. When she showed up, I went like, and then I went like, and then I went like, wait, she playing herself. Then it was clear.

Okay. She's aunt Dora or whatever. She's his aunt. I was like, she could be this for a second. Then she's got, she's got like a couple of scenes. There's the one scene with her and Orlando bloom in the kitchen. That's like all her.

Uh, there's a scene where she's like, that's, you know, uncle blah. And he was a poet and that's blah, blah, blah. Right. She's like pretty fucking good. there's a scene where she's like, that's Uncle Blah, and he was a poet, and that's blah, blah, blah. She's pretty fucking good. She's not bad. I mean, she's just doing what I guess Cameron Crowe is going for, which is just act like you're sort of down-home folks.

She's got funny comic timing. Yeah, she's fine. She feels pretty on force. Let's not give her an Oscar. I'll just say, no, I won't give her an Oscar, but I'd know, it's, I'd say, much better than her most recent acting performance, which was someone pretending she's not a racist. Do you remember that unconvincing performance? Good job.

I'm not a racist. Remember that one? Yes. Loudon Wainwright, the great Loudon Wainwright. Loudon Wainwright III, he's Uncle Dale. He's funny. You've got a lot of those other guys who you're like, oh, I know that guy.

You know, where it's like there's the guy who is Buddy... Oh, fuck. Ricky Bobby. Ricky Bobby's dad in Talladega Nights. No, Gary Cole is his dad. Not dad. Grandpa. Grandpa.

Oh, yes. Yeah, the guy from that scene where he's like, like, I'm your elder. You should respect me. And the kids just yell at him and he's just like, turn up the heat. I love that scene. The great Bruce McGill. He's such a good character actor.

I love Bruce McGill. What the fuck is this character? He shows up and everyone's kind of like, oh, Bruce McGill's here. And he's like, alright right, here I am. He walks in. You could drop a pin in the silence, right? Right. And then he goes, so you didn't invite me.

No one invited me? Yeah. And then he goes, yeah, I'm fucking around. Everyone laughs. And then when he calls Sarandon, it's like, oh. She's like, Bill Banyan's here. She's like, that motherfucker. I'll die before I look upon his face.

I curse his name. Bill Banyan's there. I'm coming just to show him his face. I curse his name. If Bill Bannon's there, I'm coming. Just to show him what for. And then like it never pops. And he's like, mom, mom, do you want to cremate dad? There's all this chaos. Yeah. Because anytime he talks to his family, they're all chaotic. And I guess we're

supposed to be just like, oh, this is what grief is like. And these kids are so loud. I don't know how you know about kids these days. Okay, I like that scene. I do too. I think it's probably the best scene in the movie. It's the best scene in the movie. What is it? What is that scene?

It's so weird. So he gets back to his hotel after getting in with the family. They play Elton John's My Father's Gun, which is a song I really like. There's a lot of good songs on the soundtrack. It doesn't mean they're well matched. I wanted props to Elton John's my father's gone off of a tumbleweed connection and he gets home and he's like got some phone calls to make and then there's a wacky he's

putting everyone on hold yeah don't you know Beale fucking Greer and then but well Susie s yes And he was trying to call Kiki Dunst. K-D. Because she put her number, like five different numbers on the back of the envelope with the directions. Calling her, he's got the other people on hold, he goes through a breakup, his

mom. Judy Greer's like, you gotta come back home, mom's going crazy. She's like, what do you mean going crazy? She's taking fucking classes. She's going insane. She's learning how to knit. She's losing her mind. Right? They set up this thing, but it's like, what do you mean going crazy? She's taking fucking classes. She's going insane. She's learning how to knit. She's losing her mind. Right? They set up this thing, but it's like.

Again, clearly, this must be rooted in reality. This must have been something that happened to his mother, maybe. Maybe? I don't know. His mother plays, like, the other aunt who's always by Paula Deen in the film. Now, some of our younger listeners, I just want to make sure we know that call waiting at the time was sort of a big deal, especially three lines.

Yeah. Just wanted to point that out. Yeah. Continue with the conversation. Yes. Lock the gates. Lock the gates. Please do remember to lock the gates

at all times. Be kind, lock gates. So anyway, then he talks to KD on the phone. Well, I think, I just want to point out What do you want to point out you motherfucker You're doing this thing about Sarandon's losing her mind We didn't know what she was like before

And she doesn't seem that crazy She's just trying to occupy her mind with other shit But she declares like Mayday Not just that but also all the Kentucky people Are kind of talking around her And you get the impression they hate her And you don't know why. California.

Yeah, they keep calling them Californians even though they don't even live in California. We live in Oregon. Because, you know, people in Kentucky, I don't know if you know this, but they're such fucking dumb motherfuckers. They don't even know the difference between a state. Yeah. Yeah, they're such evil, stupid people. Yeah. They're like, I guess you live in California now.

I fuck animals. But also, what's the difference? Because all us latte liberals look the same, smell the same. stupid people. They're like, I guess you live in California now. I fuck animals. But also what's the difference? Because all us latte liberals look the same, smell the same. It's just like one of these movies where it thinks that it's delightful that it's in like, you know, the South,

like in America's heartland or something where they're like, aren't these people, they're rough around the edges, but you know, there's some wisdom to be found. If you sit down and talk to them, it's like one of those movies. It's so patronizing.

Simple town is going to teach this shoemaker something. This stuck up shoe knifer. I don't like the culture clash element of it, but I do think there's like a movie in just like guy going home to his family. There's a movie in it if you do it right. Right. If it's not as much like the us versus them but just like he's realizing he has more in common with his family than he does.

But this movie is that. Right. Which is annoying. I do like the there's the kid who's like the relative who keeps on Well you got Paul Schneider

Yeah. You know But there's the kid who's like the shoe aficionado who keeps on talking about the shoe thing and he doesn't know that the shoe is bombed

and that they're gonna fucking talk about this thing. Well I think he's also thinking like oh like maybe I could get a job at the shoe factory. Yeah. I think that moment's captured pretty well. It's fine.

About like being in a party and having someone look up to you and being like, I know I'm a fucking failure. I can't dismiss you because you think I'm important. It's fine. But then other stuff is not fine. But then there's a phone call with Kd that turns into a montage phone call it's kind of like the the banal or sky thing where they spend that one magical night together where they talk for 12 hours right but the script is so is not going to show us like what they talk about you're getting isolated statements yeah you just sort of cut into and he's just like yeah i just

think like all women should be able to vote when they're 13. I don't know. You're just cut into some random thing, and she's getting in the bath. She's putting on her tights. I don't know. He's going over to the ice machine in the hotel. Whatever. Because there's a wedding going on at the hotel.

Oh, that's right. The same space that they're going to use for their memorial service. Life and death right next door to each other. What's his name? Jed Rees? He runs into that actor, who we've mentioned on this podcast before. You know, who talks to him for a second. I don't know. I think Crow

is trying to capture, like, oh, this sort of wild and crazy emotional state that this character is in. Where, like, you know, things seem to be sort of brushing in off the screen at him almost like it's like, it just feels like he's like, where do I got to stand?

What's my next line? You know, there's no like, he doesn't feel like he's being weighed down by this, any of this. He and Kiki Dunst

have a conversation. There's a, there's a, there's a very Cameron Crowe thing that I like where they fucking decide to like, you know, almost hang up.

And then it's like, oh, what about you? We might as well stay up at this point. She's supposed to go to Hawaii foreshadowing. It's true. She says the word aloha. Yeah. In the movie. And he does as well.

And then they decide to drive to some neutral point. Yeah. And they see each other. And that's sort of weird. Well, I like the moment where they like see each other and like, come on. And then they go sit and they look at the sunrise and they go like, we peeked at the phone call, right? Yeah, we shouldn't have done this. Yeah, yeah. And they leave. When he fucking deflates the balloon, that's a thing

Crow's good at. He doesn't do enough of that here in this picture. I guess, but I also they're so cute about it. It's annoying. It's just like, we peeked at the phone call. Silly us. Let's drive an hour back. Bye. You have like one actor having to play chemistry for both of them. All right.

You've made that point already. Yeah. Anyway. All right. So then he doesn't want to cremate his dad or someone doesn't want the dad cremated. The family doesn't want the dad created, but the California, Oregon family does. Because that's what dad said he wanted. Right.

But then they're like, no, he's got his plot. We should bury him, but no, they cremate him, and Orlando Bloom's like, the last second, he's like, I don't want him cremated. Because he looks at the blue flame of Paula Deen's oven. Yes, and then it turns out he's cremated, and he's an inert.

That's like a little arc that plays out. Okay. There's no larger bearing. No. It's just sort of like a thing that happens. Maybe that's something that happened to Cameron Crowe. Again, maybe that's why he's putting it in the movie. It has no bearing on the story. He's walking through the lobby with the urn.

Yeah, well that becomes right. The weird visual joke of the movie. He's got this urn under his arm. She's like, hey, I got something for you. We're talking about those kids being real loud. I got a video. I promise it will silence kids up. And he's like, okay. And then there's like, hey, I got something for you. I know we're talking about those kids being real loud. I got a video. I promise it will silence kids up. And he's like, okay. And then there's like a-

A great little scene. But then there's a balloon pop, and he's like, what? And she's there, and he's like, weren't you supposed to go to Hawaii? And she doesn't answer. She's like, aloha. Yeah. In theaters, 2014. Yeah.

And then they just have another nice night together and he tries to kiss her. She maybe has a boyfriend, although we never see this boyfriend. Yes, producer Ben. Producer Ben, were you dating Kiki Dunst in Elizabethtown in 2005? I was not.

Okay. Okay. I'm glad we sold that rumor. But Ben in this movie fucking sucks. He's married to his academic career. That was a loud wink. And he tries to kiss her, and then they don't really do it, and she's like, aren't you glad that we didn't do something impulsive

so that we could be friends forever or whatever? Right. But then why were you so actively pursuing this guy? Like, you clearly had the hots for him to fucking write the thing, you know, get him to call and talk all night and whatever. Yeah. And then she gets on this whole thing about that they're replacement people. Oh, God, I forgot about that.

He also has had that monologue earlier where he's like, what I know is like the farewell face, like the goodbye face. He collects them. He collects them. Like Cameron Crowe collects vanilla records. Yeah. Vanilla records. And yet she says they're replacement people.

I don't know what that means. I don't either. It's like they're, like, stand-ins for, I don't know. It's like, you need someone in your life. I don't know. It's stupid. They're young and pretty. They want to fuck.

They should fuck each other yeah well they eventually do yeah well he goes like good thing for ben we only kiss and then it cuts to them in bed together and then she wakes up and he uh is still sleeping and she has this like conversation with him while he's sleeping and she acts like disappointed that he's asleep and then he wakes up and chases her out afterwards outside and he's like i feel like i failed my shoe company i need to tell you like i want to kill myself and she's like oh you asshole i thought you were running out to tell me that you loved me and then she like walks off in a huff like she's angry that the reason he chased after was to tell her that

he's contemplating killing himself right which is fair because it is annoying yeah i don't know cameron crowe is like i guess there should be a there's an act two here yeah she has to leave so you wonder if she's gonna come back we were kind of talking about jerry mcguire on that podcast about how it has like like six acts and it's great like you know it doesn't obey like and then this it feels like he has zero acts but he just sort of like puts like an up and down structure on it just because it something's got to happen right like someone's got to give and the immortal words of jack nicholson you remember that part of the movie where he goes uh something's gotta give no i don't remember that part i remember when

keanu reeves is a hot doctor though you don't remember where he goes, it's showtime. I realized my Nicholson sounded more like fetal juice. I had to. That's also from a drowning pool song. It's showtime or someone's got to give? Let the bodies hit the floor. Ben's on fire today. What is he not?

That's true. I call him White Hot Ben. New name? White Hot Benny? That's true. I call him White Hot Ben. Oh, new name? White Hot Benny? Benny. He's white, he's hot, he's Ben. It's true. So, then there's the funeral, or the memorial, whatever.

Yeah. Guess who gives a eulogy that brings the house down? Like, she's fucking prior at the Apollo. Like, I swear to God like she gives a stupid speech about this time she hugged her husband and his dick like poked her in the back not her husband

their next door neighbor after he died she has all these fucking bits about how she stole her husband in an elevator and then took him to Disney World when he was engaged to another woman and she was engaged to another man and like everyone hates her and then she just starts like fucking like landing these jokes. About boners.

And it's like the fucking Tig Notaro like live set. Like people in the audience are like losing their minds and they just keep on cutting to Greer and Bloom with their like head in their hands. Kind of bemused like ah. Being like oh god this is so embarrassing. It's like nothing embarrassing. She's killing. I mean look.

Yeah the speech is embarrassing but you have nothing to be embarrassed by These idiots are eating it up And then she does a tap dance To Moon River which I gotta admit Oh no don't say you like that No I hate it But this is what I hated about it I kinda can't listen to Moon River

Without crying I think it's like the saddest song in the world. I was in Not a Great Place last night when I watched the movie. And when the song started and she like lift her legs up, I think first it became clear she was going to do a tap dance from the way she was moving. And then they played, and I was like, fuck this. You could do some fucking tap dancing routine.

Are you fucking kidding me? And then they play Moon River and I started crying and I was so angry that the movie activated that in me griffin next time this happens yeah just think of fletch getting a finger up the butt moon river but i cried during that scene too okay yeah no because you know colon cancer is nothing to laugh about that's very true and guys you know when you start getting up there in your 30s, you got to get a regular checkup. You start getting up there in their 30s,

you got to start letting him get up there in your butthole. Yeah. In your butthole. So then Claire is at the memorial. She shows up surprise appearance because she had sort of peaced. Also, there is a performance of Free Bird by Paul Schneider's band. I don't want to talk about it. And then there's a bird that catches on fire.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Also, they're playing electronic instruments while rain or whatever, the sprinkler system, is cascading down upon them. True that. Stupid. There's a shot of Judy Greer as the sprinklers go off, just standing in the rain, looking up at the sky, laughing at how crazy life is. I'm tired. Me too.

Also, that scene, we didn't talk about it. The scene where he plays this video for them to shut the kids up is very arresting and funny. It's very interesting. It's a good scene. I don't know why it's in the movie.

Oh, I love that. Yeah, the video itself is great. The video, I wish, I don't know who the actor is. He kills it. It may be the best performance in the movie. Yeah, but he's basically like, I'm going to blow up this.

I built this house. It's a great house, but it's been infested with termites, so I'm going to blow it up. Now I'm only going to do it if you promise to keep quiet. Do you promise? And they're like,

we promise, like all the kids. But there's this whole undercooked thing with Paul Schneider's got his kid. He's a single father. He's trying to be his kid's friend because he doesn't want to have an antagonistic relationship. Lone Wainwright, who is his antagonistic father, is like, you can't be a friend to your son. But again, this is like some like weird bizarro side plot where you're like, what does this have to do with anything? But that feels like there was like two scenes cut out there.

There had to be. And I think there had to be more with Sarandon and Greer. It doesn't make sense to set them up that way and then have that big monologue at the end and not do anything in between other than going like, she won't stop taking classes. Jim Fitzpatrick, I believe is his name. Killed it.

Then he blows up the house and it's funny. And he's like, now we build it again. Yeah. Funny. Kirsten Dunn shows up and she goes, you know, I got a thing for you. And you're like, oh, she's admitting that she really likes him and this and that. Then she's like, it's a map. And then she's just like, look, we were never going to date.

Dating a guy named Ben. And he's like, does Ben ever even exist? And she's like, here's a even exist? And she's like, here's a map. Go on a road trip. Go alone. Smell you later. Yes. And I was going to give this film

slight props for being about two people who never got together. Who just sort of dance around each other. They didn't get together though. I said I was going to. Yeah, but like, well, I at least was like, no, he's gonna.

I at that moment in the film went, he's gonna go on the road trip by himself and figure out who he is. Literally. End of the movie. I pause the movie at that point and I go, wait, there's 20 minutes left?

Here's what happens in the movie. How are there possibly 20 minutes left? The character who exists only to serve this man's emotional journey presents him with a magic box that will complete his emotional journey that she made for him that's all about his emotions that would have taken fucking

six years to assemble I mean it's detailed notes of every single route he has to take what places he has to go into who he has to say hi to what he has to take stock in what he has to think about combined with like fucking like 20 mix CDs with songs timed up to life events, it gives him directions on how to take the publication of Business Week.

Like all of it. Hey, she doesn't have the time to do this. She's got a job. B, who gives a shit? Why would she do this? It doesn't matter. Don't try to think about it. So this happens.

Why does she write them up? Very good. Thank you. She took the road trip by herself, too. So this happens. Why does she ride the map? Very good. Thank you! She took the road trip by herself too. Took the pictures, planned it out, then had him do it. That's crazy. She had to take the trip. Right, I guess we should note that throughout the movie she's

been sort of saying to him, you should really go on a road trip. And he's like, yeah, I should. He was supposed to go on one with his dad and then they kept on pushing it off because of his career and his dad died. During this montage of him going on the road trip, and he's scattering his dad's ashes joyously around the country, we're cutting in footage of him as a kid with his dad dancing around. And it's supposed to be this big catharsis, except we don't know anything about the dad

to this moment in the movie still. No, absolutely not. And you're like, I mean, you know, you get the general concept like, yeah, he liked his dad. You know, a lot of people do. Great. But, like, there's nothing there. Because there's no palpable feeling in Orlando Bloom's performance or whatever.

So when he goes like, yeah, my dad was a good guy, it feels like he's just saying, like, yeah, my dad was not a murderer. Like, it doesn't feel like he loves his dad. Like, you know what I mean? Right. Like, did we know he didn't like his dad? No, that doesn't come up agreed uh he goes on this long road trip the road trip sequence lasts like over 10 minutes

yeah him just going from place to place I'm like how the fuck is this movie still going on I mean I would have given the film props to a small degree if she gave him the map and she walked away well stop saying that you would have given the film props for doing something it didn't do. Because it didn't do that. But I'm saying, fucking bad Toronto screening. I get what you're saying. Cam, just acts the last 20. Cut it off.

Cut off the tail of the picture. You know? He fucking goes to all these stops. She gives him all the directions on how to live his life because she has no being herself and she just wants to make the sad man happy it doesn't matter it doesn't matter and then he gets to the fucking second best county fair where the farmer's market whatever the fuck it is and she goes now go to the shoe and it's the shoe that he made and there's an and she's like yeah there's a note in the shoe either Either at that point, decide whether to continue the journey or go home. And it's like,

wait, wait, wait. I mean, let's go check the shoe. And he checks the shoe and it says like, look for the girl in the red hat. And it's like, wait,

she sent him on this road trip just so that she could meet him back two weeks later? I have nothing to say. It's bad. The hat's cute. I guess so. She's cute. She's cute. He's cute in this movie yeah he's all right

he looks cute yeah but he's so anytime he's dying it just doesn't matter yeah so uh the film ends and who cares i tried to look up some articles to see if crow like ever ever accounted for the movie. You can talk for that. So I don't hate the movie. I don't really like it at all. I find it very aggravating, but there are bits and pieces that I like. Cameron Crowe is a filmmaker whose tone is very in sync with my sensibility.

And so even just the fleeting moments that for me kind of half connect, it's like I also kind of prefer what this movie is failing to do to what most movies succeed in doing. Do you know what I'm saying? I do, but I don't like this movie is failing to do to what most movies succeed in

doing. Do you know what I'm saying? I do. But I don't like this movie. I don't either. I'm just saying I don't hate it. Yeah, I do hate it. Crow says that he kind of compares the character to an angel in this interview. Dunst?

Yeah. Like literally an angel just sort of sent from heaven to like. Yeah cause he's like a cosmic being who has no. Right. Just do something for him. Yeah. I mean there's the moment where Orlando Bloom's watching what is it Roman Holiday in his hotel room. Oh god.

Yeah. I love how there's no way any of these classic movies would ever play in any TV at any point in this movie. So annoying. Well, I just think that's him going like, hey, guys, this is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to make like an Audrey Hepburn. Like this wacky woman who comes into life.

But it's like, yeah, but she was a human being, you know? You know, he, in these interviews, he basically just kind of says like, this is what was happening to me. So the movie kind of wrote itself. Film was produced by Tom Cruise. I saw that. Was met with... They're pals. Yeah.

A resounding sense of hatred. Yep. Booed at Toronto. He was like, wait, wait, wait, let me recut it. He recut it. People were like, nope. So let's play the box office game. Great.

Yeah, because the movie came out October 14th, 2005. It opened third at the box office with $10 million. Okay, October 13th, 2005. 14th. 14th, okay. And it eventually cleared 22 mil in the US. Oh, that's a little higher than I remember it being. And what the opening number is?

$10 million. And it opens at number 5? Number 3. Number 3, okay. You just said all this stuff and you didn't take any of it on board. 26 domestic, 25 foreign, $52 million worldwide. Okay, so it wasn't a massive financial flop, it just was despised.

Yeah, but it didn't make any money. Okay, I'm trying to, I really feel a lot of pressure to get this one right, this box office game. I don't know that you're going to. I don't think so either. But I want to. Okay, number one at the box office. Is it a new release or is it a holdover? It's a new release earning $11.7 million.

It is a horror film and a remake. Very interesting. 2005. The number one horror film and a remake. Very interesting. 2005 the number one film made 11. This is a bad weekend. Bad weekend. I mean it is that sort of mid-October schluck. It's a 2005 remake

so it's not When a Stranger Calls. It's not The Amityville Horror. I'm thinking of horror remakes from around that time. It's not Was Amityville horror. I'm thinking of horror remakes from around that time. It's not. Was it a remake of a franchise or a one-off horror film? A one-off horror film. A John Carpenter horror film. The Thing.

No. Well, not Assault on Precinct 13. No. It's not Halloween. That's later. Yes. It's not Halloween. Right.

It's such an irrelevant movie. It's such an irrelevant movie. It's such... Oh, oh! I know exactly what it is. Tom Welling in The Fog. That's right. Thank you. Number two is an animated film that is down for number one the week before.

2005. Five. It won the Oscar. It won the Oscar in 2005. Wallace and Gromit. Correct. Curse of the Were-Rabbit. Yes. And then you have Elizabethtown.

Okay. Number four is a grown-up thriller starring an actress that had made a lot of money. It's already made $70 million, and it's fourth week. Jeez Louise. a lot of money. It's already made $70 million and it's fourth week. Jeez Louise. It is. Pretty

kind of a weirdly racist movie. Play plan? Yes. With Jodie Foster. Okay. Number five is a film with people in it. It's like a rom-drom. Tip for Oscar success.

Didn't get any. It stars women. it's a film starring three different women women in a movie I know it's crazy what next female Ghostbusters 2005 it wasn't the women it wasn't the women it's like an okay movie I think some people like this movie I never quite

dug it I have a feeling I like it yeah you think you might I think I might okay it's a I never quite dug it. I have a feeling I like it. Yeah, you think you might. I think I might. Okay, it's a rom- Based on a book. So it's not- Fuck. Fuck. I feel like I know what this was.

It was a failed Oscar thing based on a book with a female cast and some ensemble. Yeah. And it did okay at the box office. It made like 30 million. I give up. What is it? In Her Shoes. Oh, I do kind of like that movie. It made like 30 million. I give up. What is it? In Her Shoes. Oh, I do kind of like

that movie. It's okay. I remember thinking Cameron Diaz was okay in it. I think she's really good in that movie. And then Toni Collette was kind of fine but kind of doing her normal thing in it. Like, you know, not that interesting. The guy I think is really good in it is the old guy

from the Hitchcock movies. Uh-huh. You know who I'm talking about? Jimmy Stewart? Yes. I don't know who's in it. That dude's like the oldest actor. Norman Lloyd?

Okay. Something like that. All right. Some other movies in the top ten there. You've got Two for the Money with McConaughey and Pacino. Hey. You've got Domino with Keira Knightley, who we mentioned earlier. You've got A History the Money with McConaughey and Pacino. You've got Domino with Keira Knightley who we mentioned earlier. You've got A History of

Violence, which is a great movie. Corpse Bride is in there, which is a bad movie. Yeah, that movie really weirdly doesn't work. And then there's a movie called The Gospel. The Gospel? I don't know what it is, but it was a religious film.

Waiting is in there serenity why can't i find the one the one actor it doesn't matter it matters for me in my own sense of well-being norman lloyd i was correct good job thank you so that's elizabeth town okay uh merchandise spotlight there was none uh breaking news Kirsten Dunst has just been announced to be the director of a new movie. Is that true? That's right. Like just today? Just now?

Just now on Twitter, Breaking News. Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot. The Burger Report. No, The Bell Jar. She's going to direct an adaptation of The Bell Jar with Dakota Fanning. Because she's done a couple short films that are supposed to be good. I can't wait for our listeners to hear this breaking news three weeks from now. I want to read

a couple reviews. Yes, we gotta read some reviews. I've got them here. Here's a review by PodBlankyCast. Five stars. Great job, Jonathan Lipnicki. Hey, I already like the review. Okay, he starts his review saying, great job, Jonathan Lipnicki. That's already like the review. Okay, he starts his review saying, great job, Jonathan Lipnicki.

That's the subject of the review. Okay. Here's the review. This podcast completes me, even though it had me at hello in this cynical world of fierce competitors we live in. Now see, I don't know if he knows this, but some of the lines he's saying

are very similar to lines from Cameron Crowe films. Yeah, I don't know if you picked up on that. Yeah, that's a funny coincidence. Okay, go on. Here's from Knights of Rey. Oh, that's the whole review. Good. Great.

Fair review. Five stars for that five-star review. Here's Knights of Rey calling us the Star Wars of podcasting. Five stars. Here we go. They say the best art shouldn't be masturbated to. Oh, yes. I've read this review.

This is my favorite review of all time. Blank check with Griffin and David is the exception that proves the rule. BCWGD, I've never seen a saccharin randomized before, is essential listening for anyone interested in movies, blah, blah, blah, blah, Star Wars trivia, auteurs, nicknames, merchandise, burgers, or kissing. Even if you hate all nine of those things, you should listen to this podcast. You will like it. Griffin and David are the Beatlesles of podcasting and producer ben is there george martin this podcast will change your life r.i.p stop eating i don't know well i mean you didn't like

this episode yeah or you did you you're saying rest in peace stop it like you're you're mourning the death that people tell me to stop eating which means you're happy that i brought it back there's this really crazy thing where there's a Jesse Ventura doll and your dad is talking to you. There's some long review. Oh, yeah, that review's insane. I can't read this aloud. Yes.

That review is... So when I did stand-up as a little boy, I was profiled in the New York Observer. Oh, is that just an excerpt? Is that what this review is? But then he starts warping the dialogue. The first part of it is a direct excerpt from, if you want a fun read,

Is you talking about a Jesse Ventura doll? That was my big bit. They made a real Jesse Ventura doll. Sure, fine. Jesse Ventura's ad campaign, when he was running for governor was using an action figure of him as a wrestler in a suit and being like jesse ventura now with bill passing action or whatever it was right and it became a big thing and he won the election and

then they made the doll they mass produced it and i had this killer killer killer fucking 10-year-old bit about what action features other politicians would have if they were toys. Well, good. Theory on Brands. If you would like to read that article, you can find it online. It is titled, and I shit you not, Ladies and Jelly Beans,

New York's Cutest Comic. Oh, we'll put it out with the episode. I love it. I'm finding it. Ladies and Jellybeans, New York's cutest comic. So those are some reviews. Those are good. You should read the reviews and leave us reviews on iTunes.

Please. You might get it read on air. Also, tell your friends. Check out other UCB Comedy Network podcasts. I'm very tired. Subscribe to our show. Subscribe. You haven't already.

How long has this episode been? An hour and 40 minutes. Oh, yeah. Let's get the fuck out of here. We're not talking about this movie any longer. So, Elizabethtown is bad. Next week, we will be talking about We Bought a Zoo. There's a long gap.

Yeah. Six years he took to make another movie. He made the little documentaries. There's a long gap. Yeah, six years he took to make another movie. He made the little documentaries. I think it's six. I think it's 05 to 11. I think. I thought We Bought a Zoo was 12. I thought We Bought a Zoo was 12. Yeah,

so it took him a while, but we'll get to that. Dames. Oh, I forgot to tell you some of the actors who auditioned, Sean William Scott for Elizabeth Down would be better. Yeah, although I feel like he sort of came into himself as an actor. I don't know if he was there yet in 05, but maybe. But still would have been better. I mean, a garden rake would have been better, right?

Like, I don't know. Yeah, okay. Who else auditioned? Jake G. Jake Gyllenhaal. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Who else auditioned? Jake G. Jake Gyllenhaal. Yeah. He was great. I don't know why they wouldn't pick him.

You know why I think they didn't pick him? Because he and Dunce were dating in real life. Quote, unquote. Yeah. David gave me a knowing look. But he'd already, yeah, I mean, I guess Brokeback Mountain comes out that year. I'm trying to think, what was his, what had he been in apart from, like, Donnie Darko? Uh, Day After Tomorrow.

Oh, yeah. He almost replaced, uh, Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 2. Right. With Backgate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, and what were the other, what were the other things? I don't know. He'd been around, I guess.

Yeah. So, uh, Colin Hanks auditioned. Yeah. He's actually kind of got this sort of hang dog sad thing. I don't think Colin Hanks is like really a star. I agree. You know who I think would have been an okay choice? Topher Grace.

Oh, no, no, no. He's not a good actor. I think he's good sometimes. No, he can do one thing. But have you ever seen Topher Grace do good emotion, this sort of stuff? Yeah, Spider-Man 3. Anyway, Chris Evans auditioned. Not that famous Chris Evans.

But I love me some Chris Evans. Yeah, I don't know. He would have been weird. It's hard to know. It's hard to know. Yeah, I think a little undercut at that point. And then James Franco. Oh, so you know what what he would have been great yeah i mean as long as he's going for it with him it's just if he goes for it he was the guy when i was looking at the people in the

same age who i went oh he would have been the right level of fame and he's the exact same age as these two guys yep and that was before everything became a fucking conceptual art project when he was just the hot young guy. And he's very mopey. Like, you do buy him being sad. Yeah. He could have been okay. He could have been okay if he'd gone for it.

But he's a real coin toss these days. Yeah. So, you know, probably never would have been good. Next week, we're buying a zoo, motherfuckers. Are you excited? Yeah. I kind of like Wee-Wows. Have you seen it before? No. next week we're buying a zoo motherfuckers are you excited yeah I kind of like we was have you seen it before no you haven't seen it

no Ben have you seen it no dudes go to the bank get yourself approved for a loan because you're going to have to buy a zoo next week I don't want to I think by the time this episode's coming out,

I think we'll be right around the time that Tick is premiering on Amazon. Is that true? It's that soon? I think so. That's exciting. August 19th. Yeah, maybe.

I don't know. I can't remember. I think this will be the week before the episode drops, but that date has not publicly been announced at the time that we're recording this, but by the time this is released, it will be announced. I'll probably continue mentioning it,

but pile it for the tick. So just, you know, get ready for that. August 19th. It'll be on Amazon. You don't need to have a Prime membership. It will be viewable from the main page, and they will ask you after you watch it to fill out a short survey.

People ask how to vote for the show. There's not technically a voting thing, but just fill out a short survey. People ask how to vote for the show. There's not technically a voting thing, but just fill out the survey and let them know that you'd want to watch more of it. Because I want to have a job. I really want to be a superhero. You're going to be a superhero, buddy. I had a great time doing it.

I put my all into it, and I'm very proud. And guys, when you're filling out the comments, no bits. Yeah, oh, this is very serious. Okay? No fucking bits, all right? Griffin wants to get a run of a show. Yeah. No bits, no anti-Semitic slurs, none of that.

Just, you know, if you hate me, say it, but don't joke about it. You know what I'm saying? I do. If your hate is true, throw it down, and't joke about it. You know what I'm saying? I do. If your hate is true, throw it down, and I'll take it. So this article says you want to be an actor and a toy maker when you grow up. So you're just an actor. But that's pretty good. One out of two ain't bad.

You ever think you'll make a toy? The industry's real bad these days. I mean, I've thought about it a lot. I do think about some celebrities, they start their own Vandy clothing line or whatever. You know, something like that. Yeah, I get you. I'm sorry, I'm just

enraptured by this fucking article. Yeah, get ready, folks. You'll have a real good time reading this one. Hey, maybe you'll pull a Dan Lewis and you'll go learn how to make toys. Who's Dan Lewis and you'll go learn you know how to make toys Who's Dan Lewis? Oh that's Daniel Day I just call him Dan Lewis

Danny Lou? Danielle! I know I'm like that Short answer is the toy industry is in a real shit place right now and it's not a smart industry to break into but I don't know maybe someday Maybe someday Dan Lewis he was making shoes in Italy It's not a smart industry to break into, but I don't know. Maybe someday. Maybe someday.

Dan Lewis, he was making shoes in Italy. You've got a whole bit about those pens that have topless ladies on them. That is not a bit I did on stage. That was the woman interviewing me, asked me about things I do with my friends after school. And that's where you went. There was a store near my school. I love how you're acting like you are the wrong party. There was a store near my school, a store that was near my middle school that had

pens with topless ladies on them, and I'd go there for fun. I had very limited outlets. Is it the kind of pen where you turn it upside down and her top pops off? Yes, of course it was, so I could look at upside down boobs. Nice. Yeah, it's true. I never thought about that. You couldn't look at it like... It wasn't the other way you had to turn it upside down? I Nice. Yeah, it's true. I never thought about that. You couldn't look at it like,

it wasn't the other way you had to turn it upside down. I think it was you turned it right side up. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Anyway. I remember being very embarrassed

when she asked me that question and she dragged it out of me and then I thought, I thought it was going to slander my good name. I thought no one was going to be able to make eye contact with me once they knew I like

naked lady pens. I'm not joking. I was like, my fucking parents are going to be so embarrassed when they hear knew I like naked lady pants. I'm not joking. I was like, my fucking parents are going to be so embarrassed when they hear that I like naked lady pants. No, really guys, we gotta stop. Alright, we're done. Ladies and jelly beans,

thank you for listening. I'll be more awake next time. I'm really beaten down. I slept an hour and a half. You're jet lagged. We'll both be great next week. I'm really beaten down. I'm really jet lagged. You're jet lagged. We'll both be great next week. Click, click, click. We'll be like Adam Sandler, clicking away.

Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Oh, right. And the Beyond is time travel. An Oscar nominated film. We're a screenplay, right? Of course. I wrote it. I came up with best screenplay, right? Of course. I wrote it. I came up with that bit back in Beyond Back.

Are we losing our minds? Yep. Elizabethtown didn't help. You got to admit. We're both like kind of discombobulated for different reasons. And then we were made to watch Elizabethtown. Yeah. I had to pause the movie a lot because I couldn't stop crying.

I went to sleep. I watched the movie. I watched 20 minutes and fell immediately asleep because the movie a lot because I couldn't stop crying. I went to sleep. I watched the movie. I watched 20 minutes and fell immediately asleep because the movie was so fucking dire. I couldn't fall asleep. I slept literally an hour and a half last night. Anyway. As always. Right?

Yes. And as always. That's how we end this podcast, usually. Yes, I know. Right. So, and as always. This podcast is called Blank Check with Gurkha. And as always podcast is called blank check with and as always I don't like naked lady pen I just

I don't know they're bad use them to write I don't like them okay are you ready Ben yeah I'm rolling oh great great the second we start rolling he gets his bagel out okay ready go back thursday this has been a ucb comedy production check out our other shows on the ucb comedy podcast network