Blank Check with Griffin & David - In A Galaxy Far Far Away… - The Phantom Podcast

Episode Date: March 23, 2015

The year was 1999. It had been twenty-two years since George Lucas last directed a feature film. Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace was highly anticipated. But then why did the majority of audiences and critics hate it so much? Sixteen years later, Griffin and David started this podcast with one question in mind: "what is The Phantom Menace REALLY about?" Here in their debut episode, the hosts set out to do just that by beginning their investigation with the first eight minutes of the movie. Join them as we meet Jedi's Qui-Gon Jinn and protegé Obi-Wan Kenobi, the very sexual TC-14, learn about the trade federation and get some insight into how a fourteen year old girl could be elected queen of a planet. Also, Griffin talks merch where he spotlights the CommTech Communicator that made action figures talk.

🎵 Hello. Welcome. Hi. To our Phantom Menace podcast. I'm Griffin Newman. With me, as always, for this one episode that we've just started recording and the episodes that are going always into the future,

is a very tall man, David A. Plus Sims. Hey, how you doing? David and I started this podcast because we had a question we needed answering. Much like the wildly popular Serial, which I think was the first podcast ever recorded. Yeah, it was certainly the first podcast to ever ask a question. Yep. We're going to follow in their footsteps and devote this podcast, which will run, it'll be a podcast mini-series. Yeah.

All investigating one question, much like is Anansi a guilty or innocent? He's guilty. He's definitely guilty, no question. MJ worked with him on it, no question. We see we don't need fucking 12 episodes to answer that. No, no. It's a great start, by the way.

We answered that five minutes into this episode. Exactly. But our podcast is going to take longer than that to answer because our mystery is, our question is- It's far deeper. What is Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace, about? What's that movie about? I don't know.

It was a big movie. Huge movie. I think a lot of people saw it. I think probably everyone who's listening to this saw it. I should hope so. I think a lot of people saw it. I think probably everyone who's listening to this saw it. I should hope so. I should hope so because I mean proportionally the percentage of the human population that saw that movie is grand. Directed by George Lucas

written and directed by George Lucas. His fourth feature film. Yeah. People don't realize that. He made four movies up until that point. It was his fourth film. Yeah. He directed a film called THX 1138. Yeah. With Robert Du fourth film. He directed a film called THX 1138. Yeah. With Robert Duvall.

Directed a film called American Graffiti. Yeah. Without Robert Duvall. He directed a film called Star Wars. Sure. Was he in that one? I forget. Duvall?

No. He didn't come back. Yeah. Did not direct Empire Strikes Back. Irving Kirshner. The great Irving Kirshner. The late great. Did not direct Return of the Jedi.

Richard Marcon. Correct, the late great. Oof, RIP. I didn't know. Came back for Phantom Menace. Now, up until that point, we could argue that his career was golden. Bulletproof, pretty much. THX, very critically well regarded.

Influential movie. Cult classic, you know, but small scale. Sure. American Graffiti, one of the most profitable films of all time up until that point. A really wonderful movie. Blockbuster success. And ironically, a film that's, its strengths lie in its characterizations,

its dialogue, its nuanced performances. Yeah, and like its sense of place and time. It's really a movie about a certain point in American culture. It's a movie very evocative of its era. But it's grounded. It's realistic. And it's a really movie about a certain a certain point in American culture like it's a movie very evocative of it's but it's grounded

it's realistic and it's humanist dramatics are very strong all these things that people would later go well Lucas was never good at that

that was never his thing he's great at it wrote and directed that movie he's nominated for two Oscars mhm then he makes Star Wars great movie pretty big

could've used Robert Duvall could've used Bob Duvall the great Bob Duvall I don'tall. The great Bob Duvall. I don't know. The late, great Bob Duvall. Wait a second. Breaking news? I just got word.

The great Bob Duvall has left us. He could have been like a Jabba or something. You know, like an ornery Jabba. Anyway, we're not talking about him. I would have liked him as Lando, but... Well, he's not anyway. Yeah. You're right.

He has to have a mustache. Star Wars, huge hit. Big hit. We're not really here to talk about Star Wars. We're not here have a mustache Star Wars huge hit big hit we're not really here to talk about Star Wars we're not here to talk about Star Wars in a second we'll talk about how we're not here to talk about Star Wars that's not our interest here huge hit the die is cast

George Lucas is a power player then he drops the mic drops the mic walks away for 22 years doesn't make another film overseas Empire Jedi various TV He drops the mic. Drops the mic, walks away. For 22 years, doesn't make another film. Right. Overseas Empire, Jedi, various TV cartoons. Overseas and Empire, one could say. Overseas and Empire creates all these technologies, creates all these new companies to support those technologies, creates a merchandising bonanza.

You know, I don't know if this is an obvious fact to everybody, but if this is a well-known tale, George Lucas negotiated for the first Star Wars a lower salary as a director in exchange for the full rights to sequels and merchandising. And merchandising, I think, the most profitable part of the whole Star Wars franchise. Correct. That's where all the money comes from. And so by making that one choice, that one decision, banking on himself and the future of this franchise, he gives himself the freedom to do whatever he wants for the rest of his life.

Right. He now has ungodly amounts of money. He can do whatever he wants. He could make any movie he wanted. He steps away. As you said, he drops the mic and he comes back in 99. And the anticipation was through the roof. This guy hasn't made a bad movie yet.

It's true. How could this go wrong? Did it go wrong? People didn't like it. It made some money. It made a lot of money. I've definitely seen it more than one time. I don't know about you. I've probably seen it ten times. Yeah. I owned it on VHS. I own

it on Blu-ray. I also own it on Blu-ray. I never owned it on DVD. That was the middle. Me neither. Those were the years where I didn't want to watch it again. Yeah. But a huge, huge hit. It's called Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace.

That's the full title. At the time of its release reception was mixed. I think people couldn't really process it. Right. Made a gargantuan amount of money.

Once again, tons of shadow. Yeah. But in the years since the, you know, public perception of the film has become rather toxic. Yeah. I mean, it's sort of seen as the beginning of a great decline, sort of on the level of like the Roman Empire, something like that.

1999. And by, I believe, 2012, 13 years later, Lucas announces that he's selling the entire empire to Disney. Yeah. he's washing his hands of Star Wars he's letting go and as we all know new Star Wars movie coming out this year J.J. Abrams yeah sure not only is Lucas not directing it but that he has no creative participation he's literally like I think I think they said well we'll give him a call maybe once but like I don't think he's allowed really to have any input but what fascinates me he said he gave them story ideas and they were like yeah okay sure oh yeah just like put them in her drawer yeah one of the things he was like well the main reason they wanted to buy

the company was because i had this dossier full of story ideas and then they read them and they were like you're good you can keep those this isn't i would love to see those one day i bet duval was back oh that was the main character. Oh, yeah, yeah. As himself. Yeah. And then it just got, that whole dossier just got turned into The Judge. Yeah. That The Judge is George Lucas' idea. That's my big problem with The Judge is it feels like it's so steeped in mythology. You can't really watch it as its own film because there's so much emphasis on the background characters and the ships and everything. Oh, yeah.

The Judge is a terrible film. It's one of the worst films I've ever seen. Have you seen it? It's two and a half hours long. I have not seen it. I think it's the one Oscar-nominated film of the year I haven't seen. I'll wait for you to see it

and then we'll start talking Judge. That'll be our next podcast. Yeah, sure. That'll be a spinoff of this podcast. How many spinoffs? Judge and The Judge. Do you think we're going to get out of this podcast? Oh, so many.

Like 40. This is the start of a franchise. Yeah, we're going to have to quit everything else that we do and just maintain a spinoffs do you think we're going to get out of this podcast? Oh, so many. Like 40. This is the start of a franchise. Yeah, we're going to have to quit everything else that we do and just maintain a spinoff empire. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fingers crossed.

Producer Ben. Producer Ben. He's right here. Hey, I'm here too. Back on the saddle with Producer Ben. Yeah, I'm back. He's back. I'm glad to be working with you again, Griffin.

Much like George Lucas. Yeah, after his sabbatical. He's back. Producer Ben is back to working with me. So, who are you in this? Are you Rick Berman? Is that a Star Trek guy? I forget. Who's the producer on Star Wars? I forget.

Gary Kurtz was one of them. Gary Kurtz, yeah. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. There's a new guy for the Phantom Mass. I forget his name. It's Rich something. Right? Sure. Rick something. But this is our point. This is what fascinated you and I when we talk about this movie. Which we do often.

We often talk about it. Pre-99, no one had anything bad to say about George Lucas, save for maybe, you know, Marsha Lucas, his ex-wife. Yeah, well, she had a lot of bad things to say. I think she started the whole, the Ewoks or wherever. A hundred percent. That was her. That was all her. lot of bad things to say. I think she started the whole, the Ewoks or wherever. A hundred percent. That was her. That was all her.

A hundred percent. Yeah. And Duvall, too. But fanboy reception, everyone loved Lucas. Yeah. Everyone, and those movies, you know, and they were re-released. He re-released the special editions, which now everyone hates what he did to them. Back in the day, everyone was sitting pretty.

Happy to see those movies on a big screen again. Absolutely. A new generation of kids got to see those movies in a big screen. But 13 years, they changed everything. By the time he sold the company to Disney, everyone went, thank God this guy has no hand in Star Wars anymore.

This is the movie. This is the turning point. This movie is where the whole story of our relationship, the public's relationship to Star Wars really hinges from being 100% golden to being a very, very complex, difficult, almost Sid and Nancy-ish violent,

destructive relationship between content and consumer. Everything turned there. Since then, in those ensuing years, a lot of people like to shit on Phantom Menace. They talk about how bad it is and they create a lot of comedy, talk about how dumb it is, how stupid it is talk about how bad it is. And they create a lot of comedy. Talk about how dumb it is. How stupid it is.

Yeah. How infantile it is. It's almost hacky, I feel like, at this point to complain about the Phantom Menace. Because it's like, yeah, we know. We know. We get it. That is not what we are here to do. No.

Are we here to praise Phantom Menace? Absolutely not. No. We're here to investigate. We're here to investigate. We're here to investigate. We want to figure out what it's about because it's a weird weird movie. Taken on its own

it's a weird movie. That's exactly it. We want to take this movie on its own terms. This is our key point. This is where we are changing the game. This is a piece of cinema that came out in 1999. The most profitable successful film of the year. Most talked about movie of the year. Everybody thinks about it in the terms you're describing.

It's the hinge on which this whole franchise kind of fell apart. It's so disappointing in comparison to the original films. Forget the original films. We're not going to talk about them. Forget the following films. Forget the cartoons. Yep. Forget, I don't know, the holiday special.

All of it. All of it. Just take it, put it in the garbage, and just leave The Phantom Menace. This introduction, this long-winded introduction that you've been listening to. I think it's very short. The last time you will hear us talk about the original films or the ensuing prequels or the upcoming Disney-produced Star Wars films. We're not talking about any of that ever again on this podcast. Nope.

And in fact, if you or I or any guests we may have on future episodes... Ooh, Robert Duvall? I hope we can get the great Bob Duvall. Unfortunately, he just died. I forgot. Any guests, any of us ever mention the Star Wars franchise and the other movies... We're getting docked points.

Exactly. Producer Ben is going to dock us points. Yep. Also give him a buzzer too to let him know they're f***ed up. Thank you. Thank you. I'd watch your language a little bit. Maybe fire a gun in the air. I'll bleep that. Okay, great. Thank you. Yeah, this is a clean podcast. Yeah.

F***ing rascal. Was Phantom Menace rated G or P? It's a PG, right? I think... Somebody does get cut in half. I remember vividly at the time, Liam Neeson saying he wasn't going to let his kids see it because he thought it was too violent. It's an extraordinarily violent movie.

It's just not a particularly gory movie. I think it's G... I mean, the death count is in the thousands in that movie. Oh, yeah. I think it's G, but I think... And this is the last time we're going to mention it. I think Revenge of the Sith is PG. going to mention it I think Revenge of the Sith is PG

I think that was the big turn I think Revenge of the Sith is PG-13 really? yeah I think so I think the prequels are PG it doesn't matter I think they're PG

I think you're right I just remember that Revenge of the Sith was a rating higher Phantom Menace was rated U in the UK which is where I grew up fancy pants

yeah exactly which is the lowest that's the children universal we're not going to talk about those movies ever again we're just going to talk about those movies ever again. We're just going to talk about Phantom Menace. Okay.

Let's just sit down right here. From this point on. Wait, let's hold hands. Let's hold hands on the mail. Producer Ben, if you want to grab our hands too. From this point on. We're going to make a friendship circle. Okay.

We're only going to talk about, and let's even stop calling it Star Wars Episode 1. I know it's the full title. Let's just call it The Phantom Menace so we can remove it from all the expectations and all the ensuing hullabaloo of the franchise around it. Yes. The Phantom Menace. The Phantom Menace. The Phantom Menace.

We let go. We're not holding hands anymore. So every episode, much like Serial, jumped around in chronology, focused on different elements of the crime. Yeah. There's a lot of things going on in this movie. There's a lot of things going on in this movie. Plot-wise, there's a lot of things going on. This is. There's a lot of things going on in this movie. Plot-wise, there's a lot of things going on. This is not a simple movie to unpack.

There's a lot of text. There's a lot of subtext. There's a hell of a lot of backstory that is really not plumbed in great detail. Oh, and this is another important thing. We're not going to talk about other films. We're not going to relate this to any other types of movies. Or anything anything ever. Anything.

But we do want to delve into the Lucas approved backstory to some of the elements contained within the Phantom Mass. Sure. So characters that only exist in the Phantom Mass, we are going to be going to Wikipedia and reading you what the official Lucas sanctioned backstory of those characters are. Yeah. There's a lot to learn. Here's the key question you ask. What if there's a character that's also in other movies? Forget it.

Forget those other movies. To us, it's just what happens within The Phantom Menace. Right. C3PO? Yeah, he's a robot who lives in a sand hut. A half-built robot. A protocol droid. I don't know why.

He was built by a little boy, sadly. Built by a six-year-old boy slave. He was never finished. And he was unfinished. It's too sad. he was never finished and he was unfinished too sad he was he can operate he moves around but he works well he no longer he doesn't really get to fill his potential but he is a little naked and he never gets to meet any nice robot friends he makes one robot friend in the movie does he well r2d2 i wouldn't say they become friends oh sure they they they banter there's a little bit of they meet they meet meet. They meet. There's a meeting. Yes.

He also meets some pit droids at the pod race, but I wouldn't say they're friends. I mean, he's a bit of a brittle guy. I feel like it's difficult for him to make friends. He can't leave the house that much. He's so weak. His joints are exposed, and he lives in a sand place. There's sand being blown everywhere. It's the worst thing.

You need some- Don't keep those wires exposed. All that grit gets in. His processors will get... How's he gonna be able to deploy his six million forms of communication? Get it together, little Annie. Well, we'll talk about him. David, have you... That's a perfect... I mean, Anakin

Skywalker? Yeah. In The Phantom Menace? Yeah. He's a six-year-old boy. I think he's six. Is he eight? Somewhere. He's a child. Ages are the same. Right, yeah, it's true. Who is a slave and works at like an auto body shop. Yep. And races on the side.

Mad good at pod racing. Yeah. His mom doesn't want him doing it. No, no, she doesn't want it. And also his mom seemed to just like gave birth to him with no father. Yeah. Yeah, but. Yeah, it was an immaculate conception.

Right. And Yoda, who's just some guy who sits on a Jedi council. Yeah, he's like a space monk. I don't know. He seems to be in charge. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know.

Position of authority. They say he's really powerful. I see no signs of it. He mostly sits. He mostly sits. It's a seated performance. Talks calmly. Yeah.

He claims that young Annie has a lot of... It's a little presumptuous. What's presumptuous? That he talks. He talks with a little bit of presumption, I feel. Oh, sure. It's calm.

I thought you were saying I talked with a little bit of presumption. No, never. Thank you. Yeah. Yoda senses a bit of anger in Anakin.

We don't see it. No, not really. No? Irritability, possibly. Mostly relating to the fact that he's a slave, I think. Yeah, he just goes, oh, I wish I could get out of here. Yeah, right. But he doesn't see it. No, not really. No. Irritability, possibly. Mostly relating to the fact that he's a slave, I think. Yeah, he just goes, oh, I wish I could get out of here. Yeah, right. But he doesn't seem angry.

No, no. Most kids get angry if you give them the wrong juice box. Yeah, well, he's not getting any juice boxes. Well, I'm saying considering that he's a slave, I think his anger is proportionate to his situation. At one point, he seems happy that he's getting to go home to his slave house. He literally says, yippee. Yeah. He's still enslaved to...

Anyway, we'll get to all of this. These are separate episodes. Yeah. So sometimes we're going to... But these are examples. Sometimes we might focus on a character. Sometimes we might focus on an element that runs throughout the film. Yeah, yeah.

Plot, setting, you know, the sort of major themes of the film. For this episode, we've decided that we want to focus on the beginning of the film. I think, I mean, where else would you want to start? What better way to start a podcast than with the start of The Phantom Menace, which in and of itself is just one movie taken on its own. Sure. The start of whatever might come afterwards. Who knows?

Yeah. You know, a lot of films you think, oh, there might be a sequel to this. There might be a sequel here. It says episode one in the title, though. This is the first piece of media we're supposed to consume. Right. Number one. Right.

So that's all we know. Pretty sure it goes one, two, three, four. That's how it goes, right? Yep. Movies usually go up. Yeah. I've never seen a film series start at zero and then the next one's negative one. I don't know.

That sounds like a pitch. Yeah. Look, I think we should go to Hollywood. All right. Yeah. We should go to Hollywood. That's our idea. Just everyone out there. That sounds like a pitch. Yeah. I think we should go to Hollywood. Yeah, we should go to Hollywood. That's our idea. Just everyone out there, that's our idea.

Producer Ben, can we reschedule next week's podcast recording because we have to go to Hollywood? Yeah. Okay, yeah. I understand. I mean, that's a million-dollar idea. Yeah, it's a one-million-dollar idea. We want to get one million dollars to make this movie in Hollywood, California. Right.

This movie was not made in Hollywood, California. Right. This movie was not made in Hollywood, California, was it? No. Mostly shot in Britain? I think so. And Tunisia? Yeah, and here's a fun fact. I think Italy a little bit. This film was entirely financed by George Lucas. It was an independent film. He sold the theatrical distribution

rights to Fox, and they released it at a commission. But he financed the film himself with the money he made selling the rights to the toys. He pre-sold the rights to the toys. The Hasbro Toy Company, he said to them, hey, I'm going to make The Phantom Menace. And they went, cool, we'll give you $100 million to make toys to a movie you haven't made yet with characters we haven't met yet. Right. And he took that money and he made the movie.

It's a pretty, I mean, it's almost a rags to riches story. Yeah. He's a brilliant businessman. Brilliant. That's the first point we have to make about George Lucas. And with no sarcasm. He is one of the smartest businessmen alive. No question.

But this is an important lens to view the film through. It is being made almost with merchandising in mind. I don't know that that's a bad thing or a good thing. Well, I think that's note A. And note B is because of the freedom granted to him by those merchandising sales, this movie had, I mean, no studio notes, no creative overseers. He was able to make his unfettered vision. That's true.

That's maybe a backup question we're trying to answer here. Is George Lucas happy with The Phantom Menace? Did he make the movie he wanted to make? Yeah. The public didn't like it that much, but maybe in his eyes he went, nailed it. Right. He watches it. He watched it last night and he was just like, really?

Great job, George. I don't understand how they're missing it. I don't know. Does he even think about us?'t understand how they're missing it. I don't know. Does he even think about us? Can you hear us, George Lucas? I don't know. I've called him so many times he won't get back. I know he's busy.

I know he has other things to do. But also, I know he just sold his company. I know Strange Magic is finished. It's out in theaters. Did you see Strange Magic? Yeah, I saw Strange Magic. How is it? It's really bad.

Great, okay. We're not talking about that. I know that. David? Minus, let's just say minus one point. Yeah, I think that's a small infraction. Okay, so, but no, yeah. Phantom Menace, we're talking about the opening,

are we even going to talk about the opening crawl of Phantom Menace? I feel like that's pretty important. Oh, I'm pulling up the opening crawl right now. Yeah, so, fairly unusual. You do see it in films sometimes. There's a bit of exposition in text on the screen to lead everything off. The Mask of Zorro has it. Occasional movies decide to just, there's too much information.

They can't present it in any other way. So let's just have a little bit of expository text just to set us in time and place. Well, usually it's fun too. It's like here are the scenes you don't want to necessarily see. Let's get past the... Play out. This is the nitty gritty. This is the backstory, but it's going to sound exciting.

Right. So by the end of the opening text, you're rearing to go. You go, ooh, the stage is set. Yeah. It's usually something pretty scintillating. Okay. So here we go. Ready? Episode one, The Phantom Menace. Right. Sentence one. Let's start it the stage is set. Yeah, it's usually something pretty scintillating. Okay, so here we go. Ready? Episode one,

The Phantom Menace. Right. Sentence one, let's start it out. Oh, boy. We're sitting in the theater. I'm there opening night. I'm ten years old. You're fourteen? I was nineteen ninety-nine. I was thirteen years old. Thirteen years old. Yep. Okay, so we're sitting there. Oh, jeez. I was at the Odeon Lester Square, I remember. I saw it at the

Ziegfeld Theater in Midtown Manhattan. Both theaters we've named are the biggest theater in their respective cities. And two of the biggest cities in the world. That's absolutely right. So we're sitting there. I'm sitting there with my dad and my brother, James. I was with my dad and my brother. Yeah, wow.

I have parallel experiences. Oh, boy. I knew there was a reason we were supposed to do this podcast together. Okay, here we go. Opening sentence. Ooh, how's the fan mask going to start us off? Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. All right. Okay. Turmoil. Hey, exciting. Opening sentence. Ooh, how's the fan mask gonna start itself? Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. Alright. Okay. Turmoil. Hey, exciting. High

stakes. What's this turmoil? Is there a war going on? Galactic, too. Republic. That's a lot of planets. Ooh, but the fighting? What's happening here? Don't forget, this is a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. So this is an unknown world, unknown universe. It's a long time ago. This is history.

Prior to the prologue text, there was a prologue text letting us know that this crawl is informing you of what happened before the movie you're about to watch

and that all of this is taking place a long time ago in a galaxy very far away. Far, far away. So that stage is set. We're excited.

Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. Awesome. Turmoil. Fucking rad. Next sentence. Oh, boy.. Fucking rad. Next sentence. Oh, boy. Describe this turmoil to me.

The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute. Hmm. Okay. Hmm. No, there's... I mean... Hmm. All right, so the taxation...

There's trade routes to outlying star systems. Okay, so... I guess there's in-lying... There's, like, inward systems. Sure. Trading to outer systems. Okay. So I guess there's in-lying, so there's like inward systems. Sure. Trading to outer planets. Yeah. And that trade is being taxed.

That's under dispute. I mean, I understand there would be some dispute. Sure. I'm not sure if you want to... I don't know why we need to focus on this, you know? I mean, but look, it's just one sense in a call. You need a generating event look. Sure.

Whatever. Okay. But I guess some planets and ships have goods that other planets and ships need. Right. And so they're routes. Yeah. And someone- Routes or routes.

Taxation of trade routes. Routes. We don't know. Okay. It'd be good if someone read it aloud, honestly. I know. In the film. I know.

Like Robert Duvall. It's annoying that this is having to fall on me. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I'm saying- Oh, yeah. Like, after all these years. I'm happy to do this for this podcast,

but it's been, what, 16 years since this movie came out. I'm the first one to have to ever read this out loud. I mean, you're doing hero's work. Keep going, please. If Lucas had read it

out loud in the office, he would have realized, like, oh, should it be roots or roots? That's a pro... I don't know which one it should be. A lot of things

maybe should have been read back. Yeah. You know, before they printed it. But anyway, keep going. Okay, well, so we got that taxation stuff out of the way. Taxation and trade routes is under dispute. Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships. Deadly battleships.

Ooh. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Break down that blockade. Right. You know, deadly battleships. The Greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo. Very pejorative, by the way. Greedy?

Yep. Look, everyone's got a side in this. So we're being told the Greedy Trade Federation, whatever that might be, obviously the Trade Federation is not going to like taxing of trade, by the way. Why is there a trade federation is not going to like taxing of trade by the way why is there a trade federation? I don't know. I don't know if we're talking about multiple galaxies

who's making the decision of who gets to oversee all trade. There should be some union busting here I think and I'm very pro union but like I don't know if there should be one trade federation for a whole galaxy but anyway they with their battleships someone gave them battleships

they're blocking a ferry to the planet of Naboo specifically a target of Naboo whole galaxy. Agree. But anyway, with their battleships, someone gave them battleships. Yeah. They're blocking, ferried to the planet of Naboo. Specifically, a target of Naboo for some weird reason. Which is, okay. A small planet. Once again, pejorative. A planet. Greedy, small.

Yeah. You know, sure, maybe it's smaller. Leading off in a negative way. Smaller than the others, but come on, it's a planet. It's bigger than you or me. Much bigger than you or me. I'm a little guy. I'm a very tall man. Even so. Even so. Even so it's bigger than you or me. Much bigger than you or me. I'm a little guy. I'm a very tall man. Even so.

Even so. Even so it's bigger than you. All right. Bigger than a city, bigger than a state. It's a planet. Okay, so they're not shipping to this one- Yeah, battleships. Smaller planet.

Okay. Okay, so we get it. That's what's going on. While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events- Endlessly? How long is this? They don't even say how long this alarming chain of events. Endlessly? How long is this? They don't even say how long this has been going on. Endlessly.

I mean, like, are we talking weeks? Are we talking a galactic month? David. David. Endlessly. Endlessly. Anyway. While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events,

the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights. Ooh, sounds cool. We know, yeah. Well, we don't know. No, we don't. We don't know at this point what those are. No. This is episode one.

This is the first film. I think I'm getting docked again. I won't make this mistake again. Producer Ben? Yeah. Official decision? I'm going to let it slide. I cut myself off.

Okay. But yeah, two Jedi Knights. Knights, at least. Two Jedi Knights. Ooh, interesting. Right. They dispatched them. The Guardians of Peace and Justice in the Galaxy. Knights, at least. Two Jedi Knights. Ooh, interesting. Right. They dispatched them. The Guardians of Peace and Justice in the Galaxy.

Cool description. Cool. They sound like sort of galactic policemen. To settle the conflict. Right. Settle this conflict. Not sure why you just send two guys. Sounds like there's a lot of battleships.

Maybe send an equal amount of battleships. But I guess it's, let's try and nip this in the bud. Stop this escalating. Agreed. And even though you say the guardians of peace and justice within this galaxy, this sounds like something maybe the government should get involved in.

This is a government issue. Yeah, maybe not secretly dispatch these people. Maybe publicly. But apparently it's being endlessly debated i think you know i mean i think it's pretty clear george lucas had a bit of an axe to grind endless debate in congress yeah we get you okay so this is let's start attacking the film from this angle just from the opening crawl what is this movie about? How much the government sucks. Yeah, how long things take to figure out in Washington, D.C.? The slow process of getting things changed at Capitol Hill.

And I guess taxation? He really cares about goods being shipped to the proper places. The more important thing is that this is never explained in the film. No. There is no explanation of like why Naboo? Why disrupt that particular planet? Why do they care?

There's no explanation of why the Galactic Senate can't just blow these guys out of the sky. What power do they really wield? It doesn't really make a ton of sense.

People complain about it all the time. I've heard like, oh, it's about taxation. Boring. You could make it interesting. You could what people complain about it all the time. I've heard like, oh, it's about taxation. Boring. You could make it interesting. You could. But it's really,

there's really never any explanation. Here's a bigger question that I, in a recent rewatch, realize is not answer. What goods? Yeah, what goods? That's a good point. What goods?

I don't need you to tell me every good that is shipped across the galaxy. Some major ones. But a couple. Yeah. Because I look, each planet seems to have a lot of stuff going on. Naboo is this incredibly

fertile, green planet with like an ocean world. Now, I did a little bit of clicking around on Wikipedia, and it suggested that Naboo is apparently a resource poor nation, and it needs goods. Doesn't say what goods. There's no evidence that Naboo is a resource. Every

single house in that place is this marble palace. It looks lush. Everyone is wearing 18 costumes just layered on top of each other. And like makeup and jewels. And there's like a lot of water around. There's a lot of like forestation around. This is a gorgeous. It's almost.

I think it was. Was this not shot in Italy? It's like a Tuscan planet. It looks beautiful. It's a gorgeous planet. There's no citizens. You only ever see the sort of reigning, you know, the

queen and her government. Each person on the planet of Naboo essentially has like a state worth of space to themselves, one could assume. Right. It seems to be a very very spacious planet. Maybe that's the thing. It's just that there's not a lot of people out there getting the resources.

They just trade. It's like a paradise planet. Okay. Not explained. Again, none of this background is given. We just know that Naboo is sort of a peaceful planet. Yeah. No real army.

And they're being bullied by the evil Trade Federation. Greedy. Greedy. Just saying, hey, we're not sending stuff to you. Yeah. Fruit or something? There's some fruit they want? They really, they just need like a couple crates of bananas.

It's like the recent issue with Chipotle not getting enough pork delivered. Right. Yeah. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe like there's no carnitas burritos. Right. Okay, yes. Just in Naboo.

There are other things you could eat. There are ways around this, but people have gotten attached to Carnius burritos. Maybe there's some kind of fruit. Right. You know, the Zsa Zsa fruit or whatever it is. Sounds exotic. We can't get it, and people are freaking out about it.

And for some reason, this is being debated in the Galactic Senate endlessly. But they can't stop the Trade Federation. They can't force their hand. Their best way to deal with it is to send two Jedi Knights. One, two. And no, one Jedi Knight and his apprentice, who is not a Jedi Knight. He's not even a full Jedi Knight.

He's still a Padawan. And he, yes. And he has a dumb braid. Padawan braid. A Padawan braid. And he is like, it's like, it's like the doctor showed up with his medical student in tow with his intern. It's my intern. Exactly. It's like, you know, with his medical student in tow, with his intern. It's my intern.

Exactly. It's like the carpenter came with an apprentice. It's not two Jedi Knights. Does it say two Jedi Knights in the opening credits? In the opening credits it says two Jedi Knights, but that's wrong. George, what the hell? Once again, if you read it out loud, look at things we're already figuring just by reading out loud. Not two Jedi Knights.

One Jedi Knight and a Padawan. Yeah. A lowly little Padawan. Right. A lowly little Padawan. Right. We've decided... Somewhat sarcastic Padawan. He's very sarcastic. Yeah.

He's a little too chippy for me. I don't think these negotiations will last long. Yeah, he has a really Ponzi accent. A really Ponzi accent.

Yeah. Born with a silver spoon in his mouth, I was going to say. Played by... Ewan McGregor. The great Ewan McGregor. The late, great

Ewan McGregor. No, wait a second. Ewan McGregor is... I just got word. I was going to say, played by... Ewan McGregor. The great Ewan McGregor. The late, great Ewan McGregor. No, wait a second. I just got word. I just got word. David, I'm so sorry. This is a massacre. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. Did like a bomb drop

at the same party in Hollywood or something? Okay. Yep. So that's right. Yeah, so do you want to get to the film itself? Yeah, our cutoff point for this episode was, I think we agreed on eight minutes and 26 seconds. Somewhere in there.

It's basically the first wipe of the movie. His favorite type of edit, old Georgie. He loves to use a wipe edit. He does. And it's the first wipe where we move away from the Trade Federation ship onto the planet of Naboo. That's right. Yes, it's a wipe from the ship to the beautiful, gorgeous skyscraper palace marble cathedral that is the Naboo seat of government.

I don't know. And that's where we both agreed to turn off the movie. Yeah, we stopped watching. We're not going to look at the beautiful stuff. No, not yet. Well, I mean, space is beautiful. It's sort of a haunting beauty. Sure.

Yeah. Okay, opening shot of the film. Now that we've moved past the crawl and our problems with the crawl. Yeah, the crawl dissipates into the sky, into the stars, and our camera sort of swings over. Beautiful looking ship flies by. Camera pans with the ship.

Right? You got those great Ben Burtt sound effects. It's great. And this is the thing people don't talk about enough with George Lucas and his directorial style. There's a lot of restraint for a blockbuster, an action film, a sci-fi film. There's a lot of silence. So you hear that great Ben Burtt effect, but he allows there to be the silence. There's not music wall to wall.

Even though we know these great Phantom Menace orchestral cues. They're coming. There's some silence here. Cut inside the ship. Two pilots there. You're really going in detail. Two Jedis with their hoods on. They say something.

The Jedis look pretty cool, let's be honest. They look pretty cool. We just see some cool hoods. You do not want to mess with these guys is the impression, even though they're simply dressed still. It's great visual storytelling. You see through their body language, through their pose, they're closer to the camera.

Their backs are turned, which indicates a certain level of power and mystery to them. Yeah, they seem to almost want to kind of bring a certain atmosphere wherever they go. Arms crossed, two pilots sitting in the front of the ship. They look over their shoulders. Sirs, do you want to? They don't seem to be really confident what they're talking about. They're dweebs. They're nerdlingers. They're herbs. Bunch of herbs

they are. Yeah. They go, you know, whatever they say. Should we dock into the ship? British accents, right? Everyone in this thing has a British accent. I think they say something like requesting permission to dock on the blockade ship.

Yeah, on the battleship, which looks like a donut with a hole. It looks like a donut with a donut hole. It looks like a donut- With one bite taken out. With one bite taken out of it and then a hole placed in the center where the hole was. So they filled in the bite, but at the wrong spot. It is an absurd design. It's a weird ship.

It's a really- If you're talking battleship, that doesn't look like a battleship. And the hole doesn't look connected to the rest of the ship. So if you're talking battleship, that doesn't look like a battleship. And the hole doesn't look connected to the rest of the ship. So if you're in the donut, you want to get to the hole, you presumably have to get in a different smaller ship and fly out into the hole. There's got to be some kind of connecting tunnel.

I didn't notice a bridge. I mean, look, we're going to be focusing on other parts of the film in ensuing episodes. Yeah, we'll get to that. But we'll get back to the donut ship at some later point and we'll see if the bridge is there. Yeah, we will. But off my memory, I don't remember there being any connecting tissue between the donut and the donut hole. Okay, so they're coming in on this ship.

Requesting permission. Screen comes up. And this is our first alien we see in the film. That's true. Yeah, he's the first that we've seen four humanoids so far. Humans. Good point, because it is a galaxy far, far away. There would be aliens to us.

None of this is taking place on Earth. That's true. They look human to us. Yeah. Technically human. Yeah. They would be aliens. If they landed on our planet.

Where'd this guy come from? Naboo. That's not Earth. You're an alien, bro. Looks like Tuscany, not Tuscany. Nope. Looking mad Italian, bro, bro but use an alien you have a perfect bbc english accent but you're an alien and uh raucous charm raucous raucous oh oh yeah

sure yeah not raucous yeah certainly not raucous obi-wan is not raucous rakish raucous how do you raucous rakish charm is that what you're saying r-a-w-A-W-K-I-S-H. I don't know if that's a word. Well, it turns out I was spelling it wrong. It is R-A-K-I-S-H. Right, Rakeish charm. Marked by up-to-date-ness and dress and manner. So it was also wrong. Up-to-date-ness for that, it was a long time ago.

Yeah, well, Obi-Wan has, I know what you mean, like a bit of a, just a sort of a British charm. Like he's not exactly threatening. He's sort of polite. But still, there's a bit of an edge. Oh, I was talking about Qui-Gon. Oh well him even more. Him I feel like everything that Obi-Wan is

Qui-Gon is that elevated. Right? Yeah. You know they're sort of similar in tone but Obi-Wan's still a little bit babyish. Qui-Gon has just figured it out.

Those piercing blue eyes have seen so much have lived through so much so much pain yet he puts a positive spin on everything. Cropped beard. What a tightly cropped beard. Lovely cropped beard. He's got shoulder length hair. So much pain. Yet he puts a positive spin on everything. Cropped beard. What a tightly cropped beard.

Lovely cropped beard. He's got shoulder length hair. Pulled back. Yep. Oh my God. What a good looking fucking guy. Qui-Gon Jinn. His nose by some standards might be too big.

But it fits his face so fucking well. You know, I mean, beyond that, you're not even getting to his voice. Oh God, what a voice. The kind of voice that can shut down a room. It could shut down a room. And it could drop a couple panties. Panties, space panties, I don't know. Drop a couple boxer briefs, even.

Yep, absolutely. We're not judging this progressive podcast. Yeah. Maybe the movie we're talking about took place a long time ago. This is taking place 2015, baby. Yes, this is taking place 2015. This podcast is taking place 2015. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yeah. We, this is taking place. This podcast is taking place in 2015. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Yeah. We're progressive. Very progressive. But I mean, we don't even know. The sexual mores of the Phantom Menace are... Oh, no gay people allowed. Is that right? Is that right?

Yeah. That's not addressed in the film, but you're... Trade Federation didn't want any shipments made to Naboo, and also gay people aren't allowed. Those are the two rules that we know. The two sort of rules that people are abiding by. Yes. Interesting. I had no idea.

No, that's a fact. I looked that up on Wikipedia. On Wikipedia? Yes. Okay. That was on Wikipedia. But for most of this show, we're going to be referring to Wookieepedia. Right, which I believe is starwars.wikia.com, I think.

Yeah. So, request permission to dock. Screen comes up. We see the first appearance of... Oh, right. A more alien-looking creature. Very alien. Green.

Sort of jelly-like skin. Rubber lips. Red, lidless eyes, like a snake. And most importantly, the eyes themselves are very round. Yes. But rather than the kind of humanoid eyes we know where it's, you know, a pupil in the center. Sure. Iris around it.

Yeah. You know, circle with a circle and a circle inside of it. This has no such thing. Just red. And then black lines. They're black squiggly lines. That's right. That's right. In the eyes. There isn't like an iris. There's like a black squiggly line. There's sort of an eye slit. I then black lines. They're black squiggly lines. Oh, that's right. That's right.

In the eyes. There isn't like an iris. There's like a black squiggly line. There's sort of an eye slit. I don't know. Something. Yeah. And this is important to address up front.

Those slits are slanty. The eyes themselves are round, but the slits slant upwards at, I would say, a 25, 30 degree angle. At least. It's subtle, maybe at first, especially on a video screen, but the more you look at him and we haven't even heard him talk yet. Oh, and boy, I'm ready to talk about when we hear him talk. Well, what's

his name? This, I believe, is Newt Gunray? I think so. Newt Gunray. There are a couple of them, not to sound racist, they do look similar. And also, I don't think their names are ever spoken in the film. No. This is all provided through the credits, through the Wikipedia. I don't think they ever say, no one's like, hey, Newt, come over and take a look at this.

There's never any of that kind of tie-up. You know, to his credit, George Lucas kind of eschews that sort of easy expositional dialogue of like, oh, you're Newt Gunray, president of the Trade Federation, I'm Qui-Gon Jinn. You know, no one does anything like that. Sure. In certain cases. Yeah. I mean, they talk a lot about taxation.

Do they talk a lot about taxation? Yeah. Across the film, I think they do. Okay. But Newt Gunray, they say, you know, permission to board the ship or whatever. And they're like, you know, wincy British accent. Yeah. And he says, of course, as you know wincy british accent yeah and he says of course

as you know a blockade is perfectly legal yeah i don't think he i think you are doing it credit there i think there's even the sort of like pauses like perfectly legal like it it's insane how much time he takes between words as if he is finding the word in his, let's be fair, mouth that may not be built for galactic basic, the language spoken in the film. Well, and this is a very, very important detail to discuss. Their mouths do not move even remotely close to what they're saying. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No.

Not at all. Now, maybe you could go, wow, aliens, you don't know how their lips move and this and that. Every other alien we see across the film, their lips move in conjunction with the words they are forming in a way that is recognizable. That is true. Then his race is the Nemoidians. Nemoidians? Yeah, some bullshit like that. They all kind of behave like this where it's like the mouth just sort of moves like flap, flap, flap, flap.

The words are just there there's no correspondence it's just like basically it's like they're pressing a button to move his mouth and the words and they just press the button until the words are done but you know you can't even fit your brain into it and think like you know sort of think like well they maybe they missed a spot here or there but it it looks basically right. There's no, it's the opposite of seamless. It is filled with seams. I remember seeing this film opening night, super excited. Sure. Oh, God, state-of-the-art effects we're about to see.

This alien comes on screen. The design is amazing. Design is amazing. Texture of the skin and everything. It's a gorgeous movie, and I'm watching it on my Blu-ray last night. It looks gorgeous. It's a fantastic transfer. It really looks great.

It was well shot. It was the last film director George Lucas shot on film. I don't know what other movies he directed after this. We're not getting to that. Not worth talking about.

But this was his final I think effort on film which of course that's reflected more of just the sad state of an industry switching to digital. That's a separate podcast.

Separate podcast. Look forward to that, though. Oh, God, can't wait to do that one. Oh, the death of film with Griffin Newman and David Sims. And, you know, we've been tiptoeing around it, but let's address it head on. The movie, I mean, the character and the entire race of Neimoidians. Yeah. Who are savvy trade experts.

Yeah, savvy economists. Somewhat weak-willed when it comes to battle. Yeah. When it comes to warfare. Have the power to hold up the galaxy by refusing to ship goods that they have. Sure, sure. You know, they're seemingly the supplier of all the important goods. For some reason.

In the galaxy. For some reason, this entire federation of a galaxy's trade is controlled by one jelly race of just horrifying offensive stereotypes. Clearly meant to be Chinese. Of Japanese people. Oh, you think Chinese. See? I was waiting for us to get to this.

Interesting. The most unfortunate thing is it's actually not even clear. It's just Asian. It's really just an Asian stereotype. I thought Chinese... I'll say this. I was reading more of the subtext than the text of the film. Right. I thought Chinese because of their stranglehold on...

Yeah, on sort of commerce and manufacturing and that's right stuff i get that i get production shipment all of that but i guess you're right in terms of their their garb it's more sort of traditional i mean they're wearing it's almost close to a kimono yeah yeah yeah it's sort of flowy robes yeah i mean again general as again, general Asian sort of quote unquote Asian culture being appropriated. Right. And for the absolute worst possible, it never makes sense because these are characters who have no redeeming qualities. I feel like that is the biggest problem about this.

Yeah. They simply exist to be manipulated by one evil figure. Yes. And be a problem for all of the good people. And at no point are their motivations remotely sympathetic. They also can't even lie convincingly. The worst liars in the world. They're not characters who turn out to be bad guys, even when they're saying good things like,

as you know, this blockade is perfectly regal. You're not hitting the legal. Yeah, legal. Who voiced the character? I forget who voiced. I think the same actor voiced a bunch of them. I think it was Buddy Hackett and Mickey Rooney did all the voices.

George Lucas just took old buddy hackett party records the chinese waiter might as well be mr yunioshi and naboo might as well be uh audrey heppern's apartment in a breakfast at tiffany's yeah i'm surprised that in the background of the ship there isn't just a charlie chan yeah alien going I have a mystery to solve. It's amazing that they're not wearing lampshade hats and moving screen doors around. I mean, as a 13 year old, I thought something was up about the way

they talked. Something weird. Yeah. Especially the way they talked. It was just impossible to ignore. I remember at this age, I did not know what stereotypes were. Sure. Sure. My father a year or two later explained stereotypes to me in a way because there was some joke in a movie that was explicit. And he said well some people like to make generalizations.

Right. About certain races or certain types or you know. Yeah. Economic brackets or whatever. Right. And I went, oh, that's weird. That's weird that you could look at an entire group of people and say all of them do this.

Say one thing about them. None of them do this. At the time, I didn't understand. I just went, they're aliens and they're talking in a weird way. Yeah. But looking back at it now, they're definitely Asian people. Yeah, they're greedy, spineless Asian merchants. With slanty lines in their eyes.

Yes. Who talk in a way that is recognizable to us. Yeah. It's a very basic sort of hacky stereotype. Like a bad stand-up routine. They can't really pronounce their R's. They're easily manipulated. They pee pee in our Coke.

Don't get mad at me, David. That happens in the film. That does happen in the film. We'll get to that later, of course. They do pee pee in our Coke. Yeah, that's a real throwback reference. Thank you. Yeah, I like that.

Thank you. So the Neimoidians, the Trade Federation, Newt Gunray. Yeah. He's on his donut ship. Mm-hmm. And he says, you know, feel free to dock with us. No problemo. You know, he, you know, offering them guests right. He's letting them onto their ship. You know, there's a certain, there's a certain, I feel, contract being upheld here where, like,

you have free passage onto my ship. I won't treat you badly. You're safe, you know, as negotiators. Right? Like that's sort of a diplomatic status that any country would afford to another country's emissaries.

Yeah. We're going to let these two ambassadors Yeah. come aboard. Peaceful ambassadors. Yeah. Although they are carrying laser sword weapons. They don't know that at that point.

They don't know that, but do they hide it? They don't realize that they're Jedis immediately. That's true. That's true. It takes them a second. They go, wait a second. These ambassadors appear to be Jedis. The best thing about doing this podcast is that no one can accuse us of being racist for doing those voices.

I think people could still accuse us. We're doing spot on impressions. Unfortunately, yes. Blame Uncle George. Yeah. Why did he do that? Why did he do that? Someone at some point was in a sound studio just like this one.

It's probably exactly like this one. It may have been this studio. Hi, George? Yeah. Yeah. Is George? Yeah. Yeah. This is definitely how you want this character to talk. Yeah, it sounds good.

Just a little more. Just a little more. Okay, but when you... The other ones in the race aren't going to talk like this, right? All the other Neimoidians aren't going to? We'll see. I'm not sure yet. Why don't you just set the tone?

Just a little more? You want all of them to have this? We'll see. We'll see. Probably. Is this scratch dialogue or is this what we're going with? I think this is going to really fit with their mouth movements, so we're going to use this. So you want me to do this dialogue

in this voice? Yeah, like sort of like uh, uh, is that illegal? Like, like that? Like, I mean, you know you know what you sound like right now, right? At that point I feel like probably some emissary of Skywalker

like ranch sort of would come and whisper in that guy's ear and just be like, Just do it. Don't talk to George. Don't ask George. You'll get, you can be in the video games, too. Don't worry. Yeah. Kids are gonna love Newt Gunray.

Is there a Newt Gunray action figure? Are you kidding? There are multiples. Multiple Newt Gunray. He doesn't even have a thing. He doesn't even have, like, any accessory. Uh, no. No, he He doesn't even have a thing. He doesn't even have any accessory. No. No, he just holds his hands together a lot.

He holds his hands together a lot. He has a bunch of subordinates. Yeah. They're all kind of sitting around. Yeah. Can we do a little merchandise side corner here? Sure. This will be a regular feature where we spotlight certain pieces of Phantom Mass merchandise.

I remember saving up my money for months, maybe like six months. What was your allowance at the time? Tiny. Yeah, very small. Tiny. I mean, it was in coins, I remember. It was a collection of coins. It was maybe 75 cents.

I think maybe we'd move it to a dollar. Yeah. You know, you were two digits, 10 years old, time for a dollar a week. I just cracked the double digit. Yeah. So, yeah, maybe a dollar, maybe like 75 cents, right? Yep. Saved up.

So you saved and saved, saved and scripted and saved. So I was like, I know this Phantom Menace merchandise is coming out. I want me some Phantom Menace toys. Yep. And I went. I was like, I'm going to buy every character. But they had this one item on sale that I was told through marketing that I needed to have. So the film- That all the toys would be incomplete without this one item.

Had the film come out at this point? Had not come out yet. Okay. I believe the on-shelf date was like April. Right. The movie was out in May. Yeah. The movie was coming out like a month later.

It was a big deal that all the toys were out. They were saying, oh man, they're going to fly off shelves. Yeah. You don't know who the best characters are going to be yet. You haven't seen it yet. And I remember I went in there knowing the characters' names before they were spoken. 100%. There was that much of a publicity blitz that small characters, I'm like, oh, that's Captain Pinaka.

I just knew just through everything that had come through. They were everywhere. Yeah. So you didn't know which characters you were going to love, which characters you were going to hate. What do you buy? Right. I thought I was going to buy like eight different characters.

How much money did you have? I've been saving for a long time. Okay. Okay? Yeah. And I get there. Yeah. I go, well, trailers imply this pod racing scene is going to be great.

Sure. We got Anakin. I know he's presumably the main character. Trailers seem to focus on him. Yeah, they do. He's the focus of the teaser poster. Yep. Little kid walking walking weird ominous

shadow that doesn't look like anything i recognize behind him yeah let's not talk about that let me get anakin oh they got one that comes with the pod racer sure more expensive but why not get that okay it's gonna cost me a couple other separate figures i could get but why not get anakin with his his pod. Okay, let me get a figure. God, this guy looks like he's going to be the breakout star of the film. This is the one who's most visually appealing to me on the shelf. Watto. Oh boy.

Had to buy Watto. I went, this guy is going to be fun. He's distinctive. We'll get to Watto. He looked cool. That's going to be a two-parter. We're going to do two episodes just about Watto. I think that might be another spinoff, actually. Just Watto you talking about.. Just Watto you talking about. David Watto you talking about. So you got yourself Anakin, you got yourself Watto.

Okay, I had the budget for probably four or five more characters. Oh. And I can't do it. Because I need to get a ComTech communicator. I don't know what that is. I do not know what you're talking about. A technological breakthrough at the time. The Phantom Menace wanted to have your characters talk.

Okay. The first time ever Star Wars characters come to life, they talk to you. Sure. The first time ever, Phantom Menace won film into the franchise. Maybe it's a franchise, maybe it isn't. I don't know.

You're getting onto rough territory. But the figures are so small. I don't know if you remember this. They're small figures. Sure. They're like three quarter inch. Yeah, he's holding his fingers apart. Little penis-sized figures, right?

I don't know about you. Little penis. Yeah, little penis. Yeah. Not saying like our penis. No, no, no. A little penis. Think of a little penis and that's about how big the action figures were. Yeah. I don't know about you. A little penis. Yeah, a little penis. Yeah. Not saying like our penis. No, no, no, no. A little penis. Think of a little penis and that's about how big the action figures were.

Yeah. Couldn't fit the technology inside them to make them talk. So each figure came with like a little like microchip. Okay. In plastic casing. And I see. And you had to buy a separate thing. Yes.

To make those microchips make noise. Right. Okay. It looked like a dog tag. Translucent plastic. It had like a dog tag, translucent plastic. It had a little picture of the character on it. Get the chip. Then they had the ComTech communicator,

which looked like the thing that Qui-Gon uses later in the film to radio to the Jedi. It's like a space phone. It goes, oh, blah, blah, blah. Right? Great dialogue. So it looked like a much bigger version of that. Yeah. And you'd get one of your chips, and you'd swipe it across,

and the sensor would just play the sound. So sort of teaching kids to use their credit cards when they grow up. Right. That cost about $35. And so you bought that. Bought that. Wait, how did we get on this? How did you get, or is this just.

Because I want to say at this point in the film, you're asking what new gun right. Yeah. What does he have? Yeah. He doesn't really have anything. At this point in the film, you're asking what new gun right? Yeah. What does he have? Yeah. He doesn't really have anything. At this point in the film, the characters didn't come with that many accessories because they, the Comtech ship, kids are crazy about these Comtech ships. That's, that's definitely why I know what those are.

Yeah. Kids are crazy about them. Yeah. They had a little hole in their legacy endured. They suggest that you'd wear them around your neck. They came with a little, the Comtech communicator came with a little beaded chain. It's like, Oh, where's the bracelet? Put it on your backpack.

Kids are going to be trading ComTech chips like crazy. Like crazy. Like crazy. So I, at this point in the film, the first eight minutes and 26 seconds, was keeping track of how many lines of dialogue each character recited. Because a ComTech chip, I think, had four or five lines on it. Sure. And I was like, oh, man,, I think had four or five lines on it. Sure. And I was like,

Oh man, a character better say four or five lines. That means they're, they're going to be worth buying. Yeah. Right. Otherwise they're not, they might not even make them.

You're a really special kid. Thank you. Yeah. They might not even make them. Okay. So I remember when the British, uh, you know,

the ship drivers of our Jedi Knights. Yep. Two lines. They're probably not going to make the cut. New gunner immediately was jumping in. Oh, God, he's monologuing practically. Distinctive voice. He's just, he's like Richard Pryor up there.

He's in abundance. You know what the deal with this trade federation is? It's really, it's a fine line. It's a fine line. It's a fine line between the lines he wrote and just a straight up impression. Blame George. Okay. Blame George.

George Lucas. Jedis walk in. Yep. They dock. They walk in. They're led to a room by a protocol droid named TC-14, I think. What a great character. She's very shiny.

Love her. She looks like nothing. Carry on. We haven't seen anything that looks like her before. She's very shiny. Love her. She looks like nothing. Carry on. We haven't seen anything that looks like her before. She's one of a kind. TC-14. Yep. I will say, looking here at Wikipedia, what does it say here?

About TC-14? Yeah. TC-14 was a Cyborg Galactica TC series protocol droid, part of a special lengthy production run that introduced new features and skill sets. Okay. The company wanted to highlight the introduction of TRAN-LANG-3 Communication Module Center into their droid line by including the letters TC in the serial numbers of all droids produced in this series.

Of these, the early ones, including TC-14, were often referred to by a TC prefix. Like TC-14 herself, nearly all of them were programmed with a feminine personality. And like her, they were excellent at operating calmly under pressure. Yeah. Does she operate or does she lead them to a room? This can largely be attributed to the frequent number of memory wipes she received. Oh. So this is sort of George Lucas' take on a ditzy

secretary. Is that the idea? She's been mind wiped so many times she's sort of like, ooh, ooh, ooh. She does that a lot. She leads them in. Please sit down. And then she goes back to the Nemodians. She does. She heads right. I mean, that's... She's a professional. She goes right back to the bosses and

says, I don't know if you know this, but those are Jedi Knights. If I can quote her directly, I believe she says, them motherfuckers be Jedi's. That is exactly the line. It's crazy this movie was rated PG. I know. I know. She says, them motherfuckers be Jedi's. And she says it in the exact tone that I just said. In the exact

tone. She says, excuse me, them motherfuckers be Jedi's. Yes. So they go, they go, motherfuckers. Motherfuck.. So they go, they go, motherfucker. Motherfuck. Jedis. Once again,

verbatim dialogue. Yeah. So one time they don't sound like Asian stereotypes. Yeah. They start sounding exactly like us. They go, motherfucker.

Jedis. What do we do? Should we go in there and stop them? And they're like, no, send a droid. Right.

Yeah. To give us the impression that Newt Gunray and his cadre of jelly people are pure cowards. They can't even talk to these people. They don't even want to see them. They have arrived for negotiations. They're not ready to fight. The jelly's just want to talk. They're not bearing weapons. They're ambassadors.

They send a droid with tea. Yeah. She comes in with a little silver tray just as shiny as she is. Yep. Little shiny cups on it. Yep. They take their sips. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon have been like, eh, bad feeling about this. Yeah, they're chatting. Obi-Wan is sort of going on about like, oh,

I sense something elsewhere. Elusive. Something bad's going on. Well, that's the weird thing. And Qui-Gon's like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. Because Obi-Wan's like, I got a bad feeling. Something feels weird. Qui-Gon's like, I'm sensing no danger in the immediate area. Right. Apparently these Jedis have some sort of spider sense.

Obi-Wan is basically saying, like, my psychic power extends so far that I suspect something vaguely bad is happening just in the world right now. And Qui-Gon's like, shut the fuck up. And Qui-Gon's like, will you shut up? The boy is talking. He's a psychic. You don't want to listen to him for a second? Yeah. You're a Padawan.

Know your place. Yeah, so yeah, it's true. Qui-Gon shuts him right down. So we get an idea of the power dynamic. Qui-Gon's going, there's nothing dangerous in the next two or three rooms. It's like, fuck you, two or three rooms. I'm not talking about rooms. I'm talking bigger picture here. He's like, you're a Padawan.

Yeah, be mindful of the living force, he says, whatever the hell that means. Who knows what that is. But keep your mind in the present. I don't know. Yeah, that's what he living force, he says, whatever the hell that means. Who knows what that is? But keep your mind in the present, I don't know. Yeah, that's what he says. Master Yoda says. I think he's just kind of dick slapping him. You know, he's just like, Obi-Wan's like, oh, this is kind of cool. And he's like, hey, I talk.

Yeah. You drink your tea. Yeah. You're here to learn. Like, I think he wants Obi-Wan to have a notepad out right now and just be like jotting down every move. The intern at the office has a good idea and mentions it to the boss in the elevator the elevator is like when i was an intern i never talked to the boss exactly and then the next like you know the boss has to shoot it down just to

make up but then you know he's at the big conference room thing and they're like any other pitches and he's like uh yeah you do have this one other one and suddenly he pitches the fucking intern's idea right and that's the one that gets him a billion dollars. Do we ever have a scene where Obi-Wan later just calls the Jedi's and he's like I think something generally bad

elusive might be happening. I don't know. Some sort of phantom menace. Speaking of the phantom menace we see him. We see a guy. We at least see someone we might presume

to be a phantom menace. Holograph. Yeah. Is referred to as Lord Sidious. Yep. Wearing a heavy robe. We thought Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan had heavy robes. Get out of here.

This guy. This guy's robe is so heavy. Like if that guy was in a rainstorm, he wouldn't be able to walk. No. That thing would be so freaking heavy. No, no. And it doesn't look rainproof.

It looks like a heavy, maybe velvety fabric. Is this not an advanced space-faring civilization? Like, worlds are accessible through light-speed travel. This guy's wearing robes. Everyone's wearing robes. You could trip over yourself. You're going to trip on your own feet.

Get out of here. Jesus Christ. He walks so slow, too. Someone goes, hey, can you hand me a pencil? He's got to roll back his sleeves all the way just to... But, to be fair... All those pockets he must have. To be fair, we don't know who this guy is.

We don't know who this guy is. There is absolutely nothing distinctive about his profile. I would say the only thing I know about him is that he is a phantom menace. Yeah, very phantomy. You can only see the bottom half of his face. Yep, and if you put your hand through him, he's a holographic. He's a holographic. You can't touch him.

You don't know. You don't know how big or small he is because you don't get a sense of scale with a hologram. That's true. He could be one feet tall. He could be a one feet tall. That is correct, David. He could be a one feet tall. He could be a 12 feet tall.

True, true. I refer to people exclusively by their height. A one feet tall. David, you are a six feet tall. Six three. Why don't get into inches? I just talked about the feet. So you're round.

You're round. Up or down. Yeah yeah so if i was six seven i'd be a seven feet tall no i'd still say you fall into the six category oh i see so you just ran down yeah i just ran down ran right on down i ran right on down so for all we know if he's a 12 feet tall he could be 12 feet and 11 inches tall yeah closer, closer to 13, but not... But in your scale, My classification, he would be A12 feet tall. Right. So we got this.

So Sidious, so immediately, they hear he's a Jedi. Rather than send their negotiator or maybe even just... Sidious just goes, take care of it. Sidious is just like,

execute these motherfuckers. Get rid of them. He just, I think he does this. He dusts his hands. He wants to make it so clear. First he has to roll up his sleeves. He rolls up and takes 20 minutes. and then he dusts them off.

It takes 20 minutes. So we're getting a couple things. One, these Neimoidians, they're not running the show. And they don't want to deal with conflict, number two. They are really, they don't even want to deal with conversation. For guys who are holding up the whole galaxy, they seem very,

very confrontation averse. Yeah, they also, do they talk to uh anyone in naboo in these eight minutes uh that comes a little later okay that comes that comes at the end of the eight minutes the tail end of this eight minute gotcha section of the film gotcha they send tc in with the shiny t yep suddenly gas they attempt to gas the jedi they said tc take care of this. And then someone else from some fucking control booth starts gassing. With, by the way, the most obnoxiously visible gas.

Yep. They couldn't have found an invisible gas. Like, just, these guys are obviously professionals. At least try to execute them with some class. Like, brown smoke pours into the room. The doors have barely closed behind TC-14. It's true. I don't even know if they have.

They might close after the gas comes in. Yeah. Oh, by the way, the Jedi are being really obnoxious to TC-14. Right, and also, why do they need to send TC-14 in there? They keep on saying, let's let a droid do it. She's collecting their tea. Yeah, like, who cares? She's giving them tea. The first time she comes in, she just leaves them in. Why does a TC-14 walk in there with a laser gun

and shoot them both in the head? They don't have her do that. No, that's true. And she, for all we know, she's done this thing 18 times. She doesn't remember because they keep on wiping her dying memory. Poor Lady. That is something we really need to get into. Let the droid deal with it. We're going to get into it.

Yeah. Let the droid deal with it. TC walks in immediately to gas the place. Right. They didn't need her to do anything. Yeah, it's like they're using her for misdirection, but it's sort of irrelevant. For a millisecond of misdirection before

the gas comes in. They're like, oh hey, what's up? Gas. Gas. Immediately, I don't even know how to describe this, David, but immediately the Jedi's take out laser swords. Wait a second. We missed a crucial thing. What? As they're deploying the gas, they also blow up the Jedi ship.

Oh, right. And that seems to trigger everything. And that's the moment I knew that those two characters wouldn't get action figures. Yeah. Because they died and they've each had one. Is there no charred corpse action figure that you could buy of them? What would the Comtech ship say? That's what I'm saying.

Right. Yeah. It's like, hey, what's up? Oh, God. My bar was you needed four lines or you weren't going to make it to action figure form because kids were all about them ComTech chips. We're going to talk about the ComTech chips a lot. Every episode. Every episode.

So, yeah. So the poor Jedi pilot friends are executed. Their ship is blown up. Blown up. Gas floods into the room. They, you know. Jedi's take out some sort of. It's cold blooded.

The Jedi stand up, take out laser swords. Laser swords. I wish. One green, one blue. You guys could see what I saw, because I don't even know how to describe it. My jaw hit the floor. It hit the floor. Classic handles, like you'd see on any sword. So far, what have we seen?

Ray guns. Yeah. Brown gas. Spaceships. Spaceships flying around. Aliens. Robots. Lots of robots. Lots of robots. Tea. Lady robots serving shiny tea on a shiny tray. A phantom menace. lots of robots lots of robots tea lady robots serving shiny tea on a shiny tray

a phantom menace but here what are we seeing laser swords laser swords they come out big guys got them little twerps got them

they both got them cut through the door get out oh my god robot army more robots more robots they come out

and the jedis just fucking slice they just tear through them. They just tear through them. It's pretty cool. Ooh, this is exciting. Yeah. Ooh, this movie's done with all that taxation stuff.

Yeah. Now it's getting to the action. All right. It's true. After that preamble, we do, it takes a couple of minutes for us to get into limbs being hacked off of robots. Yeah. Yeah.

Like crazy. These guys can move around. They're like ninjas. They can jump. They can sort of like knock people on their feet just by moving their hand. It's cool. But always seem very calm. Yeah.

They are doing it. It's like they're like putting their groceries away. Yeah. It is that the poison gas fills the room. All they seem to do is just hold their breath. Yeah. From this noxious poison gas. Yeah.

They just hold it. They're just like, oh, dioxin. Yeah. Cut through the door. Kill a bunch of these robots. Nice. PG rating is retained because they're rabbits and not people. Yeah, if they were people, that'd be a little brutal.

Be super bloody. They'd be just little heads and limbs flying around. Modi and Sia on a screen. Yeah. They go, oh, no. Once again, a spot on impression. Do not complain to me. Not my fault.

There's nothing we can do about the fact that they sound like they closed the doors, right? Yeah, they closed the super blast doors or whatever. Qui-Gon starts cutting through. Yep. They're like, oh no, we need a more powerful door. So they put up a different door. It's like three layered doors. Yeah, it's like when you lock your top deadbolt on your, you know, when it's like maybe a little scary outside.

They're like, this laser sword can't cut through all of these. Right. It's too thick. So what he does, he just takes the laser sword, before he was trying to cut around it, like he was cutting cookie out of dough. Right. You know?

These swords are really powerful. Really powerful. Yeah. He just pushes it straight in. Yeah, into a molten mess. I mean, his hands, he's like a pizza man, like a great pizza man with calloused hands. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? It's like he doesn't care if he's basically next to molten door lava. Yeah. It's beautiful to watch. I don't know if you know this, David. Yeah. But the secret to a great pizza burrito, an old oven. That's true.

You know, I've been with a lot of flavor baked into it over the years. And you could say Qui-Gon Jinn is the old oven of this story. No question. Yeah. There's a lot of ingredients baked into him. He's with a lot of flavor baked into it over the years. And you could say Qui-Gon Jinn is the old oven of this story. No question. There's a lot of ingredients baked into him. He's got a lot of flavor. Yeah. And that comes from years of experience. Qui-Gon is like an old pizza oven.

Obi-Wan sees like a saltine. He's like a cracker. Yeah. And he's maybe put a little marinara sauce and a few flecks of mozzarella on top. But where's the garlic? Yeah. You know? Where's the salt and pepper?

Where's the gabagool? Those hands are too soft, Obi-Wan. Yeah, I really like a lot of gabagool in my pasta. I love some gabagool. Yeah, in my pasta. A little gabagool, a little bada-bing. That's what I like in a pizza pasta. Exactly.

This is talking pizza pasta with David and Griff. This is talking pizza pasta with David and Griff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Purdue or Ben. Maybe we'll call him Pizza-doer Ben. Okay, so, yeah, he just pushes right through that fucking door. Right, because Obi-Wan's like, how are you going to get through here? Qui-Gon's like, can't cut.

Let's just burn it down. He just makes it so hot that the door melts through. But they are distracted by rolling force field robots. Destroyer droids come out. Yeah, they call them destroyers. The Japanese evil people call them droidekas, which is never explained. They pop up. Yeah, they have lots of lasers.

They have force field. They seem like tough cookies. The Jedi's deal with it. Yeah, even the Jedi's are like, ugh, these guys. And then they just decide, oh, we don't need to confront the Neimoidians anymore. We should get out of here. Yeah. Why do they do that?

I don't know. Let's be honest as much as these guys are cold-blooded badasses yeah it's like gas no problem bunch of droids no problem door no problem a couple more droids all right let's get the fuck out of here let's cut our losses and leave let's just get out of here we were here for one purpose which was to negotiate with these guys instead let us let us go to the planet of Naboo. Yep. Let's not talk to them. Right. Let's just get out of here.

Now, you could see maybe they're just thinking, look, obviously these guys have it out for us. There's no negotiations. As Obi-Wan says, what does he say, Griffin? What did I tell you? I thought the negotiations would be quick. Something like that. The negotiations were short. And I think Qui-Gon, as he says short,

just slaps him in the head. He slaps him in the back of the head. And he says, I don't want to hear another word out of you. Yeah, I'll nink and poop. And then Obi-Wan's silent for the rest of the movie. Obi-Wan doesn't talk again for the rest of the movie. Which is great. Escapes through the air ducts, lands,

says that killer line. The house falls down laughing. And then they just get home somehow. We don't know how they get home. Did they like stow away on a ship or something? Probably something. Who fucking cares? Yeah. And they cut back to the Modians and they are there talking to Princess

Queen. Queen. I'm sorry. Queen. She's not a princess. Queen Amidala. Excuse me, princess. Queen Amidala. She's no princess. Yeah. Queen Amidala. Excuse me, princess. Queen Amidala. She's no princess. Yeah. Queen Amidala, a 12-year-old British girl. Who's in charge. Wearing what appears to be like a carpet of red. Just so much carpet on her shoulders.

Was she elected? In the Wikipedia, we learned that she was. Right. Yes. It's not a bloodline. She is a 12-year-old. She's an elected 12-year-old. I think she's 14.

Let's put her in charge. Yeah. Played by Academy Award winner Natalie Portman. Yes. Not yet an Academy Award winner. Yeah, but you could tell. It's true. You knew it was coming.

She's just seething presence. It was a matter of time. Her face is painted white. She has two little red dots on her cheeks. Little Kabuki-esque. Yeah, very Kabuki. She has a red line on her bottom lip, and then her bottom lip is painted white. She has two little red dots on her cheeks. Little kabuki-esque. Yeah, very kabuki. She has like a red line on her bottom lip and then her bottom lip is

painted white. Like a split lip. She is like seated with her arms on like some big chair. She never moves and she speaks with the most exaggerated like Madonna-esque fake British accent you've ever heard. And she goes, we have sent two

ambassadors to negotiate the trade. And they go, oh. The Nabonians, they pull a great trick here. It's real. It's real good. Well, we have not the many ambassadors. What are you talking about? This is all legal, and we haven't seen any ambassadors.

Carry on. Their answer to her going, you're doing illegal stuff, is, no, we're not doing anything illegal. Yeah. And their answer to the ambassadors is we don't know what you're talking about. And to the ambassadors is here's a face full of laser and dioxin and robots. Yeah. No evidence that they've ever been here. As far as we know they didn't

dock. By the way there's massive amounts of evidence such as the exploded spacecraft in their hangar. Yeah. Charred corpses. One imagine there's surveillance videos of the two Jedis trying to melt through their door. They've got a melted door on their hands. They also know that the Jedis-

The melted door's probably over his shoulder. I mean, all he can't just look. Wait a second. Why is that door melted? They also know that the Jedis escaped through the air vents. That's true. And so they're going to get home somehow and tell her, like, hey, that didn't go so well. Yeah, but they figure, look, why don't we just say, huh?

I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean? I also think the Nemodians. Ambassadors, negotiators. Nemodians knew that at the end of the day, the Jais were going to get more trouble because they'd come home and be like, so that didn't go that well. They tried to kill us. Yeah. And she was like, well, tell us about the negotiations.

And they'd go, well, we didn't get to talk to them. Yeah. She was like, you had us about the negotiations. And they'd go well we didn't get to talk to them. Yeah. She was like you had one job it was to talk to them. What happened? She thinks right

she thinks it'll be like hey man so what if they tried to poison you? Yeah. Your job was to get the talk done. Yeah.

They said they didn't even know you were there why didn't you go through the door? And they were like well we were burning through it but then the droids came out.

Don't give me any excuse about burning through it then the droids came out. Fight the droids then finish burning through the door and then go talk to them. And then sit down me any excuse about burning through it, then the droids came out. Fight the droids, then finish burning through the door, then go talk to them. And then sit down at a table and negotiate. Negotiate.

He's talking to her. You really need to negotiate? They're negotiating right there. Negotiate over video. You don't have to send people to a ship. It's a lot of bureaucracy. I mean, maybe this is what George Lucas is getting at. I know this film was set a long time ago. Galaxy. Far, far away. But in 2015, where we have comparable technology, people make is getting at. I know this film was set a long time ago. In a galaxy.

Far, far away. Yeah, right. But in 2015, where we have comparable technology, people make business arrangements over the phone, over email, all the time, over Skype.

Why do you need to be present in order to come to a deal? I recently solved a trade blockade on a planet over Skype. That's what I did today. That's why I was late

to this podcast. You were late. You were 15 minutes late. I was really late. But that's the way that things work. You don't need to do it in person. You don't need to send ambassadors. You're the queen.

Deal with it directly. Talk to them. Just go, hey, guys, cut it out. You are an elected 14-year-old queen of a planet. Yeah. You maybe know how to deal with a couple of Nemodians and their donut ship. You didn't get that job by accident.

You got it for a reason. According to Wikipedia, she brought down an unfortunate king that nobody liked. She was the leader of a political revolution in this planet. And she was like eight. Yeah, when she was a child. Maybe eight. And then she's elected queen. Yeah.

Which is maybe president. I don't know. Senator or something. I don't know. You know, maybe president. I don't know. Senator or something. I don't know.

And the minute she's elected queen, they're like, hey, do you like to have one giant U-shaped braid around your head? She said, yes, please. And she was like, yeah. It's going to be the thickness of a human arm. And they're like, yeah. She was like, lay it on me. That is how I want to do all negotiating. Here's the Queen Alindala story. I want my head to literally be just being pulled back at all times by this giant brain.

There's a reason she's sitting in a chair and that chair's got a back. Oh, that chair has a reinforced back. She's not sitting on a stool. She's not standing up. She can't. She's probably 90 pounds and then you add the clothes and she is 800 pounds. If even 90 pounds. Yeah.

She's light as a feather. Queen Amandala. She's a young woman. She's not a fully grown woman. She's a girl. I'd say she's a girl. Yeah. Not yet a woman. Not as a feather. Queen Amandala's story. She's a young woman. She's not a fully grown woman. She's a girl. I'd say she's a girl. Yeah. Not yet a woman.

Not yet a woman. Queen Amandala's story in a nutshell is she is born. Yep. She learns how to poopy in a toilet like a big girl. Then she leads a revolution and gets elected queen. Right. Those are all of her major life events. Yeah. She's so young she hasn't lived through anything else. No.

I don't I mean she really she's doesn't we don't even know how experienced she is in the ways of the world. She knows how to poo poo in a toilet. But that is true. That is true. Other than that she might not even know how to read or write. Barely had time. We don't see her do it. Barely had time. The Nemodians. She goes

like you guys better not be messing around. Yeah, she kind of is just like. She's like, come on. Wait a second. Seriously, no ambassadors? Yeah. No one's making a phone call. No one's making a phone call to them.

Yeah. And then they say, and I wrote this down verbatim. Okay. We would never do anything without the approval of the Senate. They literally are blockading a planet. That's all they're doing. There is obviously no approval from the Senate. They don't care.

The Chancellor of the Senate has sent two Jedi to deal with this. I mean, that's a bald-faced lie. If I'm Amidala, I'm like, these two-bit clowns. I have to deal with this. The key to lying, if I learned anything from John Lovett's pathological liar character, great character. When you stretch out

a word, it sounds like a lie. Hmm. Yeah, that's the ticket. And they literally say we would never do anything.

Right. That the approval they go so deep into it. She's like, okay, yeah, let's time be the

judge on this one. Yeah. And then she turns off her bubble screen star wipe and we're out. That's true. That's true. That's true.

That's the first eight and a bit minutes of The Phantom Menace. You're crying with emotion. I'm crying with emotion. So we've reached the end of this first episode. So what is it about? It's about shipments. It's about the taxation of trade routes into the outer galaxy. No, watching these first eight minutes again, trying to go into them blind, fresh, as if I didn't know what was going to come if I hadn't already seen the movie ten times, including the 3D re-release, which is a waste of money.

It was a bad conversion. It was a terrible conversion. Muddy and not that much dimensionality. You could mostly take your glasses off and watch the same movie for most of the movie. Look the same. Yeah.

Anyway. I would go, okay, this is a movie about an entire democratic system. Yeah. A sort of naughty political system.

Collapsing. Yep. Or in the beginning of degradation. Yeah. As they turn on the good people. Right. If they're that quick to want to kill the Jedis... It's true.

I go, man, this movie's going to be these Jedis on the run. It's reflective of a society where the rules are no longer being obeyed. The knives are out. Like I said, they had guessed right. They're invited onto that donut ship. They're not even through their space ham sandwiches. They haven't even finished them. They didn't even get to board the donut hole.

They were still on the real donut. Yeah, they were like, hey, can we check out the hole? And the guy's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Excuse me while I push this button for the space gun. Gas you. Yeah, Jedi Knights, clearly, I mean, if this ditzy half-brain protocol droid who can barely hold a tea tray walks into the room and is like, whoa, these are fucking Jedi Knights. Memory is wiped left and right.

Can't even remember her own mother's name. OTC1. 1-4. No, no, but her mother is OTC1. OTC1, the original, the OG. Exactly. The OT. Yeah, but she.

The OTC. The OTC. She, even she can recognize, so the Jedi obviously paramount importance, you know, hugely recognized in this galaxy. And I assume it's going to be Midnight Ron. I assume it's going to be these two guys just trying to get home, sort stuff out. Sure. On the way everyone's trying to kill them. Right.

It's like we're being thrust into a very complicated situation that maybe we don't need to know the nitty gritty of. It's just like bad guys up there, good guys down on the planet. And now we pull the ripcord, we're ready to go. Exactly. It's going to be non-stop thrills and action from here on out. As much as we're having fun kind of poking at the fact

that this is a movie that maybe doesn't spend a lot of time trying to make sense, trying to explain its backstory. Maybe we don't need the backstory. If it's fun, it's fun. Eight minutes work so far. We get it. Setting the stage.

Bad guys. Do you like Asian people? Then you won't like this movie. Do you hate Asian people? You are in for a treat. Do you have $12? How much was the ticket price in 1990? It was less than that.

I think it just cracked 10. I remember that being a big news story. I think I paid about six pounds to see this movie. I remember this was the first film I ever bought tickets on movie phone. It was a big deal. We had to buy tickets in advance because it was going to sell out. Right. It was that.

Yeah, of course. You actually had to reserve your seat. And I remember seeing the news stories about those dummies waiting online, camped out for weeks. Nerds. Yeah, and then I just went and I called up a phone number and a guy said, two tickets for Wednesday. Keep going. 4.45 p.m.

I think we saw it right after school. And do you remember the theater? Oh, you saw it. Ziegfeld. It was packed. It was packed. And I saw a guy, the guy sitting in front of me was wearing the donut shirt. He had a shirt that was just the donut ship on it.

Are you serious? Yeah. And I went, man, that's going to be an exciting ship. That's going to be, that ship's going to do a lot of work. Yeah. I remember I saw the shirt and I went, man, that's going to be an exciting ship. That ship's going to do a lot of work. Yeah. I remember I saw the shirt, I went, that's an interesting ship, and then the ship appears 90 seconds in, I went, oh boy, that guy picked his shirt correctly. He did. He

led strong. This movie is wasting no time getting to that ship. He front-loaded it. That ship's going to do some damage. We got a red ship, then we got a donut ship. Boom, boom. So, I think that covers the first 8 minutes and 26 seconds of The Phantom Menace. Yeah. Once again, this episode

will not be going in eight minute segments. No, no, no, no. This series will not be going in eight minute segments. But we wanted to set the scene as the film sets the scene. Mm-hmm.

And so our analysis of what the film is about from just the first eight minutes is a nonstop thrill ride as two Jedis try to make it home while defending their lives and hopefully in the process

expose the corruption that's happening within the trade federation. The naked corruption. Naked corruption. Like a child could expose this corruption. You know.

Come on. Also, they couldn't have brought a tape recorder maybe? You know, get a little hard copy evidence. You got heavy robes no one will notice a wire.

That is true. And no one's patting these guys down. Because if you're just wearing a t-shirt, they go, I can see a wire through your shirt. TC-14 isn't like, hey, let me pat you down. Yeah. No. She's like, hey, do you want some tea? She might not even remember that word.

It might not be in. 14. Thank you all for listening to our podcast. Come back next week. Yeah. We'll try to solve the mystery of what the fin de masse is about. Yeah, what will the next...

I think the next thing... What's the next thing you want to talk about? I think... Let's next week dive into Queen Amidala. Yep. I like the word dive.

Dive into... Yeah. Queen Amidala. Yep. Her reign as queen. Yeah, the political system. Some of the Wikipedia backstory about how she was elected. Mm-hmm.

And how she might not be all that she seems, and why you might want to pay attention to some of those handmaidens in the background. More like face maidens. Including one played by, wait, is that Natalie Portman? Wait a second, what are you talking about? Dual role. I don't know what you're talking about. We got to dig in.

Thank you all for listening. Yeah. And as we always say in The Phantom Menace. Live long and prosper. Yeah.