Blank Check with Griffin & David - Our Performance Review - The Phantom Podcast

Episode Date: April 20, 2015

In the fifth installment of the only podcast that exclusively talks about the Phantom Menace, Griffin and David look to the movie’s cast and rate all the major players–actor by actor. From finding Ewan McGregor’s Obi-Wan Kenobi weak to Natalie Portman performance as the split roles of Queen Amidala/Padmé not horrible (and she goes on to future successes okay!) to even Tony award winning Ian McDiarmid as Senator Palpatine just really having fun and bringing it. Also, Poor poor Jake Lloyd. How do the boys rankings reflect on the film overall? Does their critiques live up to the overwhelming criticism that revolves around this movie? Plus, Griffin’s chance encounter with Liam Neeson, who brings an authority called for in the role as Qui-Gon Jinn and has got gravitas for days.

Hello, all you jetty knights out there. Welcome to the Phantom Podcast. I am Griffin Newman. I'm David Sims. Functioning at a slight time delay. Yep, sorry. And saying his own name. We are preoccupied looking at our phones because we're going to do something a little bit different on this episode.

Of the Phantom Podcast. Of the Phantom Podcast. The podcast about Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace. Film released in 1999 by director George Lucas. His fourth film. Of the Phantom podcast, the podcast about Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace, film released in 1999 by director George Lucas. His fourth film. It was meant to be a big, expansive sci-fi saga. Well, it's a big, expansive movie.

Yes. Unfortunately, he never got to make any sequels. As far as we know. So this is the first and only Star Wars movie, to the best of our knowledge, and if anyone were to reference anything about other Star Wars movies, we'd call them a fool. We'd be baffled. Those films don't exist. Last week we deconstructed his director's commentary and he kept on saying,

oh, this is a recurring theme through all the Star Wars movies. You idiot. Focus on one movie at a time. You've only made one film. That was a real problem for us last week. A real problem last week. You made four movies, but only one of them is a Star Wars film. You made THX 1138, American Graffiti, I think there's one other one, and then Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Eyes.

Something in the 70s. Of course, as always, we have with us here the Ben Ducer himself, the pro-doer, Producer Ben. Hello, Fennell. Hold on, I'm going to say something that makes sense. Hello, gentlemen. Hello, Fennel. Producer Ben, you are not allowed to edit that out, and now Hello, Fennel is our catchphrase.

No, I'm editing that out. You are not. No, I don't think so. Hello, Fennel. Hello, Fennel. Hello, Fennel. We're going to make Hello, Fennel t-shirts. It was like it was fellas and gentlemen all wrapped up into one.

Hey, it was perfect, and now we have a catchphrase. We didn't have a catchphrase. We didn't have a t-shirt, now we got both. Producer Ben's going to play an important part in this week's episode, because this week we're going to do something a little different. We're going to do what we call our performance review. That's right. I don't know how I feel about the bum, bum, bum, bum, but everything else.

This week we're going to do what I call our dun dun dun dun dun dun dun performance review. The stakes are high. The stakes are high. One of the big complaints that is lobbed against The Phantom Menace is that the acting is terrible.

People say this all the time. Oh, the acting in that movie is so bad. It's so wooden. Yes. Often people say everyone in the movie is bad except for one person.

Yes. Everyone has some safety. Everyone has some safety. They kind of like. They by and large think that it is a film filled with bad acting. It has a ton of great actors in it.

It's got a cast to die for. A murderer's row of thespians. We are going to try to answer this question conclusively. Is the acting good or bad? Is the acting good or bad? Is the acting good or bad? Does the cast of Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace, do a good job?

Now, we all know that art's subjective. You know, criticism exists in shades of gray, but not today. I suppose so, no. Not today. This is a thumbs, this is a pass-fail system. So we're going through the INDB cast list of The Phantom Menace, going one performance at a time and judging whether or not we think they're good. David and I have to agree.

And then we'll tally up a point for either the good column or the bad column. If David and I are in a deadlock, Hello Fennel himself, Purdue or Ben will be the tiebreaker. I'm the Robert Duvall of the judge. Wait. Yeah, he was the judge. He was the judge, yeah. He was the judge, yes. Okay, cool. Yeah. Who is the judge in The Judge. Wait. Yeah, he was the judge. He was the judge, yeah. He was the judge, yes. Okay, cool.

Yeah. Who is the judge in The Judge, though? Like, is there another judge judging the case of The Judge? Yeah, I don't even remember who it is. Okay, all right. Yeah, have you ever seen The Judge? No, we talked about this

on the first episode. Okay, we should maybe do a whole podcast about The Judge. It's a good idea. Yeah. Judging The Judge would be... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because it's...

Verdict? Yeah. That is one of the craziest movies I have ever seen. I have ever seen. Not to make this about the judge. Okay. But just to try to tease our listeners so they get excited and write in demanding that we do a 10-part miniseries on the judge. is on the judge.

There is a plot line in The Judge where on his first night back home, Robert Downey Jr. hooks up with a young bartender played by Leighton Meester. Oh. Right? Already gross. Sure. Then he reconnects with his high school girlfriend played by Vera Farmiga. Okay.

All right. They got a thing going on. Then one day he meets up with her. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Leighton Meester. Is her daughter? Yep.

Already gross. And then he works out the timeline and Oh no. Leighton Meester. Is her daughter? Yep. Already gross. And then he works out the timeline and realizes. Are you kidding me? Nope. Are you kidding me? Nope. Does he have sex with Leighton Meester in the movie? Unclear. Wow.

I did not know that that was a plot of the judge. You see them on screen making out aggressively. And it's his daughter. I won't tell you the resolution. I will tell you the resolution is terrible. I don't want to spoil it for you, but you will not believe how it resolves itself. But that is all established within the first 20

minutes of a film that is two and a half hours long. Right, right. And was apparently an unofficial remake of Oldboy. Uh-huh. Yeah. And for most of those two hours, Ralph Dine Jr. is just kind of freaking out about whether or not he fucked his daughter. It's like a major subplot in the film.

And he keeps on trying to get a definite answer from Vera Farmiga over whether or not he's the father. And she's like, why do you care? And he's like, I don't know. I just want to know. That does sound, that actually sounds kind of like the Robert Downey Jr. trying to, you know, sort of suavely ask a very impossible question. Yeah. I mean, we do enjoy watching him do that. Hey, look, judging the judge. What's the verdict?

We'll be coming soon to the UCB Comedy Network. So let's just dive right into this, right? Okay. Yeah, there's a lot of people. Top belt. It's a performance

we've discussed a lot on the show. We're going by IMDB's billing, which is usually in billing order. It seems pretty correct. Looking at it right now, there's one that I think is...

Is out of order? Yeah. It looks largely in order, but a little. Robert Duvall might say, you're out of order. He might say, you're out of order. Bad Duvall. Right. Not going to put it in my Mad TV reel.

Top build here, on IMDb at least, the great Liam Neeson. Liam Neeson. Academy Award nominee. Nominee. Only nominee. He never won. Only nominated once, too. Only nominated for Schindler's List. Should have been nominated for

Kinsey. Snubbed for Kinsey. Was great in that. A surprising snub that year. Surprising snub. An Irish actor. Northern Irish I believe. Yeah. And he'd been around for a long time. Like he'd probably been famous for somewhere in the realm of 10 years. Right? He'd you know. Yeah well

if we want to look at the timeline here we can do this thanks to this week's sponsor IMDB. This week's episode is sponsored by imdb thanks for the money i am please send us some money imdb yeah um um yeah he'd been sort of floating around and i think in the uh early 90s like dark man that's 1990 that's where he starts to become a leading man well excalibur is his first big thing that's's 81. Oh, wow. Right. Well, he's supporting. At this point, he's young. He's supporting. He's going through all of that.

I forgot about that. Yeah. So he's still doing a lot of TV. And then I guess his breakthrough moment, the satisfaction, one of the... Oh, no. I was getting that confused with the other one. But Deadpool.

He's in Deadpool. Yeah. Darkman 1990. I guess that's his first big leading role. Yeah. Yeah. And then you're under suspicion

Husbands and Wives Husbands and Wives was a breakthrough leap of faith he's really good at Schindler's List Schindler's List is a game changer

1993 and yeah nominated for an Oscar after that he's a lead so he's Nell Rob Roy he's showing himself to be Michael Collins

so he's a great leader Les Miserables playing Jean Valjean right and then on to Star Wars episode 1 The Phantom Menace

as Qui-Gon Jinn, the wise Jedi. I would have no argument with him being top-billed, first of all. No, of course not. Because last week we were talking about how Georgie Boy, in the commentary, says that he thinks that it's Queen Amidala's story told through the Jedis. Yeah, but he probably gets the most screen time in the film. Yeah, and he certainly has the biggest presence in the film,

and I would argue the best performance in the film. Yeah. And he certainly has the biggest presence in the film. And I would argue the best performance in the film. Yeah, probably. I would probably agree with that. It's a disappointing performance only in that we know Liam Neeson can do a lot. Yes. Yes. Within the realm of Liam Neeson performances, it is a lesser entry. But I would argue there is not a false note in the performance. No. Which is a pretty big accomplishment considering this shit he has to say. And the creep he's playing, but the film is not presenting him as a creep. Right. Yeah. I mean, you only really realized the enormity of his creepiness by watching the movie 18 times in the last month.

It's over and over again you realize, wait a second, he just slips the blood thing onto the kid's arm. But he plays it with such nobility and such grace that you actually has a lot of presence you don't realize how creepy he is yeah he has a right tremendous amount of presence he's got this beaten like like irish poet's heart you know kind of thing going on have i ever told you this story uh i was on vacation with my uh family Okay. How old are you? Nine, eight or nine. Okay. I think I was nine.

It's the year before Phantom Mass comes out. Right, 1998. Right, and the movie is top secret at this point. Okay. No one knows anything other than the cast. Right. And we're walking into a hotel and sitting there in the hotel lobby at the bar slumped over is Liam Neeson. Right.

The great Liam Neeson. Is his hair long? Does he have the Qui-Gon hair? No, probably not. I think it's short hair. I think it was a wig. It's probably a wig. It's weird hair.

And they'd wrap filming. I mean, as you remember in the commentary, they said a lot of shots were filmed like a year later. Right. So I think they shot the movie in 97. There was like a year of post, then reshooting, and then, right. Yeah.

So this was probably a year after principal photography had wrapped. And he's sitting there like real drunk. Right? Right. In retrospect, I have a very clear image of him in my head. I don't think I identified him as drunk

even though I know he's at a bar. But now I saw this is like, this is a functional drink thing. Yeah. And my dad goes, Griffin, do you know who that is? And I go, no. And he goes, that guy is the lead in the new Star Wars movie. He knows what's going to appear.

He's not going to say, that guy was in Schindler's List. He's going to say, that guy's in the new Star Wars movie. He knew that was going to blow my mind. I went, really? He went, yeah, he is like the new Jedi, I think. Right. And I went, oh my God. And he went, do you want to meet jedi i think right and i went oh my god and he went do you want to

meet him and i went yeah so my dad brings me over and he goes hi liam i'm sorry to bother you and he like says yeah and he goes uh this these are my sons griffin and jamesy uh we called my brother jamesy at the time sure uh as you still do yeah and. And they're big fans of Star Wars. And they wanted to meet you. And he went, oh, nice to meet you, boys. Sure. He's polite. Right. Shook my tiny baby hand with his hand, which is the size of a head. Right. And I said, excuse me, sir, can you tell me what the new Star Wars movie is about?

Fair. Right? That's all I want to know. Right. And he went, I can't tell you anything, but I can tell you it's going to be magic. Wow. And he was right. The best one yet. The best one yet.

Let's never forget your review. But I think. That's very sweet. That's a nice story. He seems sincere when he said it. Right. I think he hadn't seen an assembly of the footage yet. I mean, you imagine he shot the film largely against screen, so he may have literally just

meant like, I can't tell you because I don't know. I don't know. Because it was so perplexing to make this film. But I assume that magic will ensue to turn it into a good movie. Right, right. But I think we can firmly put it in the good column, right? Yeah, we're agreed on Liam Neeson. He just brings the authority that the role needs,

even if he's maybe sleepwalking a little bit. But he sleepwalks as well as anyone in the business. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, the guy can't give a fully uninteresting performance because of his gravitas. He's a real movie star. What if I just said

every performance was bad and then this podcast was just a fight? If I just, every single one, I'm just like, no. Hey, if you want to do it, because here we go.

Here we go with Ewan McGregor. Might be a contentious one. Ewan McGregor in the role of Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yes. The Padawan learner to Qui-Gon Jinn. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yes. The Padawan learner to Qui-Gon Jinn.

Somewhat poncy Englishman. Mm-hmm. A little cheeky, a little too cheeky for my taste. He doesn't do a ton. You were right,

the negotiations were short. Shut up. Fuck yeah. Okay, so Obi-Wan's arc in the movie. Rat tail off your head. His arc in the movie is he does nothing

and nothing and nothing and nothing and nothing and nothing. And then at the end, after Qui-Gon is killed, he steps up, kills Darth Maul, and agrees to train Anakin. Because, ugh, fine, I'll- He really does very little else in the movie, except sort of provide a little bit of back chatter, as you say. Now, one could argue that he was meant to be the audience surrogate character. I suppose. There are a lot of films that take place in huge universes like this, unlike our own, they create one

character who's sort of simple, wide-eyed. He asks questions. Right. And he provokes explanation. Yeah. Right. But usually for the audience surrogate character to function, they have to be emotionally relatable. Right.

You have to really feel a connection to that character. Yeah. No one feels a connection to the freaking dork. No. He's like head of the freaking dork. No, he's a- The head of the class. Right, right. But this performance, he's very, very bland in this movie. Yeah.

Now, Ewan McGregor is an actor. We've disagreed on him in the past. I suppose so, but I would say at this point, he's one of the most exciting actors in Hollywood. At this point, up until this point, his track record is pretty phenomenal. Since then, he's been a little hit and miss. But let's go through here and look at.

Oh, no. I mean, yeah. Before this, you know, he's been in Shallow Grave. Right. And Blue Juice with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Trainspotting, which is his real breakout. Yeah. Emma. Yeah.

And The Pillow Book. He makes this sort of combination of challenging British art dramas like Trainspotting, like Shallow Grave, these sort of like 90s, iconic 90s thrillers. Velvet Goldmine. Velvet Goldmine. Yeah. That's not a thriller, but similarly, yes. Life Less Ordinary.

And then he also has played a sweetheart in movies like Emma and Brass Off and Little Voice. And so, you know, he seems to be maybe a future leading man, a future marquee idol. And you could even argue at that point, looking forward, going, oh, my God, Ewan McGregor just got cast in Star Wars. He's going to be a mega star. He hasn't had his big hit yet, but you figure, you know, here he goes. He's got the goods. This is it. Another thing I'd say is he does have this sort of scruffy charm.

Not in all of his films. Some of them he plays more posh, but certainly in the Danny Boyle films and Life Less Ordinary. There's Velvet Goldmine especially. He uses sexuality in a very interesting way. He likes showing his penis a lot in movies. He does. But he does have this aggressive sort of sexuality this bad boy attitude you go oh interesting interesting guy to place into this stead sci-fi universe yeah none of that transfers

over he it's it's as if he was commanded to play it as flatly as possible he is essentially playing martin prince from the simpsons that is what his yeah performance. Now, he is an engaging actor. He does have presence. His technical skill, he never looks into the lens. He never clearly forgets a line on camera. Wow, yeah, you're right. He says all the words in the right order. Yep, yep.

He didn't gain a lot of weight halfway through filming, so that would be a continuity error. No, not at all. The basic professionalism of being an actor is in place. I think, you know, and you figure maybe the films are pointing towards some future sequels. Like maybe he's just being set up as like, you know, this guy will be important later. Right. Right. Yeah. They probably had bigger plans for the character that never really got to pay off. Like a commons role in Terminator Salvation. I remember Mick G saying that in the third film of the Terminator Salvation trilogy that character was going to become really interesting. We really missed out on Mick G's Terminator trilogy. But you know, I mean the weirdest thing is

the man's a Scottish actor. He has the voice just the most dazzling accent and voice. Yeah. And he is, like, doing this bizarre accent. It's horrible, boring, fucking... Really? Like, it's like he's straining to hit every note of it. Bam, buzz up, buh, buh. And I don't know what he was thinking.

Yeah. It's like he's imitating another actor. Yeah. And, like, I just don't know what the purpose of that is. So is your vote to put him in the bad column? Yeah. I will your vote to put him in the bad column? Yeah. I will. I will cede to that.

It's I think it's a weak bad. You know, I think it's not horrible. I think a lot of it was the material. He wasn't given much to play. As you said, he doesn't really have an arc, but he failed to make it engaging. And I guess that was his one big role. But props to him for not looking into the camera, as I said once again.

Yeah, good job, Ewan. It's only your 14th film and you're not looking into the camera. Here's a big one. Natalie Portman in the role of Queen Amidala slash... Wait a second, she played Padme too? Oh, I think we covered this. We did cover this.

Oh yeah, right. This might be contentious. Natalie Portman, born Natalie Hirschlag. That's right. One of the prettiest Jews of all time. Absolutely. One of the prettiest people of all time, but I... A definition of sort of a Jewish maiden, yes.

Yeah, well, and I want to put the emphasis on Jew because she makes me proud of our people. Absolutely. Breaks out in 1994 with Leon the Professional. I mean, a star-making performance, man, I would argue, from a very, very young girl. A performance people still talk about. And they go, who's this? Very natural. Yeah, one of the best sort of child performances ever.

Yes. And arguably one of the best debut performances ever. To play a lead in a movie your first time at bat really kills it. Goes on to do Heat. Yeah, after this, she just pops up in movies a lot. Beautiful Girls, Everyone Says I Love You, Mars Attacks. Yes. Okay, so one, two, three, four, five.

Phantom Mass is her sixth film ever. I think she had also done Anne Frank on Broadway, but I'm not sure. Yes, she had done Anne Frank on Broadway. She did one short, but it's Leon the Professional, directed by Luc Besson. He directed by Michael Mann. Beautiful Girls, directed by Ted Demme. Everyone Says I Love You, directed by Woody Allen. That's right.

And Mars Attacks, directed by Tim Burton. That's right. And Mars Attacks directed by Tim Burton. She's worked with some big directors. And she's one of the only people to survive in Mars Attacks. Yeah? Yeah. I think it's just her and Lucas Haas. Taffy, the president's daughter. She becomes the first lady, I think.

And maybe Annette Bening survives in Mars. Not a lot of people. Annette Bening does. Yes. Yes. Let's do Mars Attacks sometime. I love that movie. It's a weird movie.

That was my favorite movie when it came out. That movie frightened me when it came out. Oh, me too. And that's what I loved about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad had to drag me to the theater because I was convinced I was going to run out screaming. And I loved how much it scared me. It's frightening.

When you're a kid. It's really funny. I think the movie's great. But she's only worked with huge directors, huge stars carried around against, you know. That's right. That's absolutely right. She's obviously been anointed a talent in Hollywood. Right.

Another person where they went, oh, my God, Natalie Portman is in Star Wars. A, that's going to make her huge. Right. And B, that's going to be a great boon for the movie. Yes. Yeah. You're tapping into this, like, vein of talent. Right.

How are we doing, Natalie? Well, we have two different performances to discuss. It's true. She gives two performances. She gives very distinct performances. We have the regal, procedural Amidala with the voice, this weird stilted accent. Played as a Canadian on South Park. I will not let the tribe republic.

Comiti. Comiti. Comiti. And then we have the looser, slightly snarky Padme, the handmaiden who's in the Tatooine scenes. And eventually obviously turns out to be the same person. Yeah. And she's, you know, she's a little more natural. Most of her scenes I feel, are with Jake Lloyd. Yeah, but she's fun because she's just playing kind of a young girl in that.

She's playing herself. And she actually is the only major character to sort of bite back to Qui-Gon. Yes. Qui-Gon's like, we're going to do this now. And she's like, I don't know if that's a good idea. And of course, he's just like, I'm going to ignore you. Which, if in the film, not to keep on griping about this. Keep griping. But if in the film, we as the audience had been told clearly that Padme was the queen in disguise as a handmaiden,

rather than just sitting there and going, okay, Nally Portman's playing both characters, something weird's going on here. Right. There actually would have been opportunity for good comedy. Right. Those scenes would have played better, where she's going like, I don't want to walk. And he's like, well, enjoy walking. Yeah, they would have played better. Better. I don't know that they would have played well.

I'll give that to you. Yeah. Funny note in the commentary, George Lucas mentioned that Natalie Portman sprained her ankle and that through all of those Mos Espa scenes, she's limping around, which I always thought was kind of an interesting character choice because it made her look more dowdy than the queen.

Yeah. It turns out she just fucked up her body. Well, you know, poor Natalie. How old is she when she makes the film? So it's, let's see, if we're saying that they probably shot in 97 and 98 for a 99 release, she would have been 81. So she would have been 81 so she would have been uh 16 right so you know and um again there seems to be a lot of promise for the future for this character yeah that's why

they're hiring young you'd imagine right right we wanted her to be able to do many films you know yeah um you know i i think this is a case of someone being in over their head she had done a lot of films she'd worked with a lot of big directors but that's a key point here she worked with a lot of directors who were very hands-on known for their good performances working with other actors suddenly she's thrown in wearing these very heavy costumes working against a green screen a lot of the time as we went over over, some of the stuffiness, stateness of the Queen Amidala character is not her. It's another actress we'll get to a little bit later.

A lot of those scenes, it's not her. But even watching what is there on screen, it's not a great performance. I would agree. It's not really a spellbinding performance. No. People say it's a bad performance. I wouldn't say it's a horrible performance. I know Natalie Portman claims that she wasn't able to get work after doing Phantom Menace.

Wait, is that true? She did an interview recently where she said she wasn't able to get work because everyone thought she was such a bad actress and Mike Nichols wrote because he had done The Seagull with her. I think they did Seagull as Shakespeare in the Park. I know it's not Shakespeare, but it was part of the Shakespeare in the Park season.

You fucking nerds. Don't get on my back. The Public Theater stages two plays. One's Shakespeare in the Park season. You fucking nerds. Don't get on my back. The Public Theater stages two plays. One's Shakespeare, one's not. Almost always. We call it Shakespeare in the Park. That's what us New Yorkers do. Yeah.

You fucking nerds. Look it up. Well, no, I was just going to talk about how after Phantom Menace, she's in Anywhere But Here and Where the Heart Is, but obviously those were filmed before the Phantom Menace she's in Anywhere But Here and Where the Heart Is but obviously

those were filmed before the Phantom Menace I think also both of those were Fox pictures so it strikes me as Fox knowing they had Phantom Menace

going we gotta cash in she's gonna be a big star now and those are her teen her last as a teen and then after that

it's kind of nothing there's something she did in 2002 but the name escapes me and then in 2003 she's in Cold Mountain very briefly. Very briefly. And it is a spellbinding, fantastic performance.

I don't know if you remember it. Yes. And that really, to me, reintroduced her as a serious adult actress. So she couldn't get work. Right. She did The Seagull with Philip Seymour Hoffman. I think Meryl Streep was into it. It was an insane cast.

Right, right, right. Mike Nichols worked with her. Was like, you're really good. And she's like, no one believes me. Which is really crazy. Like one movie, really? It shows you how toxic The Phantom Menace really was. And there also are, you know, to the credit of a snarky public, there are a lot of examples of people who are really good as child actors.

And when they get their teenage years, they get a little more self-conscious. They get a little more stilted. Sometimes you see kids who are really good just because they are natural, because they're not self-aware, you know? Yeah. You watch the movie Boyhood. It's a perfect example of how much better he is as a kid than he is as a teenager. Of course, there's a naturalism. Right. And as a teenager. Sometimes child actors lose that. Yeah. We'll be talking about another child performance soon.

Oh, boy. Can't soon. Oh, boy. Can't wait. Oh, boy. So I think the argument was maybe she lost it. Maybe she's not one of those ones. Maybe she's not a Jodie Foster who grows up and grows into it. Mike Nichols, on her behalf, wrote letters to a lot of big directors and said, hey, she's a really good actress.

You should really work with her. Right. And that is why Anthony Minghella hired her for Cold Mountain. She was willing to do a smaller role, even though she was a bigger star. It's such a good scene. Yeah. It's really just one scene. Yeah. And she is why Anthony Minghella hired her for Cold Mountain. Interesting. She was willing to do a smaller role even though she was a bigger star. It's such a good scene. Yeah.

It's really just one scene. Yeah, and she said that's what remade her career. That performance then showed people. And then in 2004 she has Closer and Garden State.

Gets nominated for an Oscar. And even though I despise both of those films and we can talk about that at some point. I dislike both of them too. You know, that's certainly. Yeah.

That's where she vaults, I feel. But she gets an Oscar nomination for Closer. She wins for, she wins Golden Globe. And then. She does. Yeah. And she, I believe, wins the New York Film Critics.

Uh-huh. Yeah. And then she ultimately goes on to win Best Actress at the Oscars for Black Swan. She's doing great. That's one of my. Marries a choreographer, has a baby. Yeah. Natalie's doing great.

So she's doing great. And so I won't feel too bad about chalking one up in the bad column for her. Yeah. Yeah, it's a bad performance. Okay. Sorry. Yeah, it's true. We really softened the blow for Natalie just by going over her future successes, but it's a shit performance. But I think we both like her, and we want to stay in good graces.

So we want to make sure that everyone knows in the wider sphere of things, we like Natalie Portman, but it is a bad performance. Yeah. Next on the list, Jake Lloyd. It's a bad performance. Oh, boy. I'm putting down the tally mark right now.

We can discuss it more, but there's no argument. We can discuss it more, but I mean, it's a noxious performance. It's a noxious performance. And you feel for the guy because he, in later date, would say it really ruined his life.

Oh, yeah. In this film. Yeah. One of my favorite things to do is watch youtube videos of uh interviews with jake lloyd from the last five years there are a bunch of them because he will occasionally do uh conventions and they'll like interview him there right and he says it it totally ruined his life because uh kids come up to him he's gone through college and high school and life you know he had grow up. He was seven when they shot the movie.

And everyone just fucking makes fun of him all the time. It's really tough for male child actors because if you made an iconic movie when you were pre-pubescent, it's usually bad when you're a teenager. Usually that is not an easy process to watch unfold. Yes. And he also had a classic kid face. He did. He did. I mean, he reminds me of that 90s cherub. Yeah. Jonathan Lipnicki. Yes. Those sorts of cutie pie kind of blonde.

Yes. Little boys. Of course, the great J. Lipnicki. And if you agree with us that he reminds you of J. Lipnicki, please tweet at J. Lipnicki on Twitter and say. And direct him to our podcast. Say, yes, Jake. Hashtag, yes, Jake. Anyway. At J. Lipnicki. I mean, I think the biggest problem here is that maybe George Lucas does not know how to direct children at all.

I would argue. You would argue with me? No, I would argue that all because I would argue. You would argue with me? No I would argue that is correct. Do you want to argue with me? Yeah sure. I think you're right. Yeah because every line reading it feels like it's the first one he gave and Lucas was just

like good job. Yes. Because even though he talks in the commentary about having multiple takes where people are carrying on emotionally which obviously disgusted him and made his blood run cold. But Lloyd really just, it just feels like he, you know, are you an angel? Like, it's just, he's reading it off of a cue card almost. He feels like very coached by his parents. Yeah.

The weirdest thing is he had given what you would think of as a very natural, charming child performance in the film Unhook the Stars before this. With Nick Cassavetes, who's mixed as a filmmaker, but he's good with actors, I would say is his through line. Yeah, his problem is writing, not acting. Right. His control of emotional tone isn't great either. But he's good with actors. He was in Jingle All the Way, but he's good with actors he was in uh jingle all the way where he's fine uh yeah he he's he's kind of a brat right i mean he just wants the toy he does it well enough that's before i forgot that's before phantom of course yeah when i i don't want to say he got cast because of that performance but that was like when they announced that he was playing young anakin it was like jingle all the way star it was like that had just come out. Right.

And it's like, no one got excited, but how are you going to get excited about a seven? You just assume like, oh, okay. Kid's fine. He did a movie called Apollo 11, a thing called The Host TV movies, five episodes of The Pretender playing young Angelo, Timmy, and Ronnie Collins.

So he played three different characters across five episodes of The Pretender. Shows some range. Hey. Probably played a cute kid in all of them. He's in ER, right? Didn't he have an arc on ER? Oh, yes.

Sorry. I skipped over that. He was four episodes as Jimmy Sweet on ER. Right, which I remember him. He's a cute little, you know, sick kid. Yeah, you know. He checked the boxes for what this role is, which is sort of a disarmingly cute little kid. Yeah, yeah, but it's not a good performance.

He's a kid. I don't want to anger him. I don't want to blame him. I don't think he's done. Yeah, I'm looking at his further MDP after this, and he did a movie in 2005 called Madison. I can't say I know it, Jakey. Nope, it's a Jim Caviezel movie. Okay, wait, he directed it?

No, he starred in it. Jim the Weasel Caviezel. Directed by William Bentley. A story about a man's personal struggle to victory in the 1971 Madison, Indiana high rope plane, Regatta. Wow, that sounds scintillating. Jake Lloyd's picture on his IMDb is still him in... In The Phantom Menace.

It's actually a very cute photo. He has this mop of hair that is just... look is really great his hair is incredible visually he's amazing as is true for so many things about this movie visually they nailed it as discussed perfectly uh had previously not discussed perfectly no perfectly as discussed previously and perfectly i had the anakin skywalker action figure okay uh one of the things I spent my money on the little I had left over after buying a Comtech communicator and I'll tell you the character translated perfectly to that medium

right it was a great action figure just because mopped blonde hair right cool little rags what did you do with him though like what put him in the pod racer I got asked oh yeah hey yeah the helmet the helmet looked great right

can't give him credit it's a good helmet with the goggles yeah but other than that his credits between 1999 and 2005 those are the only two movies

he made Phantom Menace and Madison his only other credits are Star Wars Episode I the video game Star Wars Episode I racer video game

Star Wars Episode I Jedi Power Battles video game Star Wars Super Bombad racing video game Star Wars Galactic Battlegrounds video game Star Wars Wars Episode I Jedi Power Battles video game, Star Wars Super Bombad Racing video game, Star Wars Galactic Battlegrounds video game, Star Wars Racer Revenge video game. Why did you make so many video games? It's one movie. I don't know.

It's so weird. I should review the video games. I do own Phantom, sorry, Podracer, the pod racing game on the N64. I saw that one. Yeah. And so the trademark sign of what I hate usually in child actors, I'm very critical of child actor performances, because I think if you get a good child performance, it's like capturing lightning in a bottle. Right. And it makes your film immediately relatable because kids are amazing audience surrogates because everyone's been a kid. Kids are so simple and pure in the way they see the world

that you can get away with a lot more with a kid. I wrote a whole fucking paper on this in film school before I dropped out of film school. Oh, congratulations. Thank you. It was a good paper. I got an A-. Nice.

But there's a thing I hate in child performances that this seems to really suffer from, there's a thing I hate in child performances that this seems to really suffer from which is when a kid has clearly just been coached through the lines by his parents in the trailer over and over again where they just

went like no Jake say it with more like you're curious okay are you an angel yeah and well even more problematically the director is not then smoothing right that's the big difference so this is you're pretty much getting Jake Lloyd's Are you an angel? Yeah. And well, even more problematically, the director is not then smoothing. Right. That's the big difference. So this is you're pretty much getting Jake Lloyd's parents performance.

Congratulations, guys. You're in a major motion picture. Yeah. You destroyed it. All right. We got to move on. Yes. But the problem with that is then they get to set and they don't have to relate to other actors and actually interact and listen because they've just been learning.

They've just been doing it. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck you, Jake Lloyd's parents. Jake Lloyd, you seem like a decent guy. Jake Lloyd, sorry for everything you went through. Okay. Now here's an interesting one.

Ian McDermott in the role of Senator Palpatine. And this is, Ian McDermott is a wonderful English actor. Tony award winning. Yeah. He's a theater actor. Yes. And in England, I believe, the Almeida. He was basically the artistic director of one of England's major theaters. Oh, he's actually Scottish.

Sorry. The UK. Yes, the Almeida Theater. Went to the Royal Academy in Glasgow. And he's just, I mean, we haven't really talked about this much. Well, he's credited as Senator Palpatine. I believe he also is playing Darth Sidious. Yeah, it's actually not credited, though.

But the bottom half of his face looks very familiar. We haven't really talked about this because it is the most devastating flooring twist of the film. Yeah. In that it's not even revealed in the film. No. But so let's say he's playing two sides of one coin. So as Palpatine, he's this charming, kind of disarmingly, almost self-deprecating, like man of the people type politician. And I will say, if not a fully comedic performance, it is one of the few performances in the film

that actually feels fun and light. And aware. It seems he's having a good time playing that i would agree and and it's god aware aware is a good word it it's making me realize just how devastatingly wooden the acting is in this film yeah because when he's opposite say natalie portman right it's you're just like you know look at this guy see yeah he's delivering the lines like he's a human being. The way he talks about the Senate, he has a lot to convey

in almost no lines. He does it so well. That's like a real classical theater actor thing where he can just find the music and the dialogue and make it have interesting rhythms, even if what he's saying isn't dramatically interesting itself. That's absolutely the case.

I'm just getting higher and higher on this performance. Yeah. And this is kind of a great performance, actually. And the fact that you, you know, you're suspicious that maybe this guy's up to no good. And there is that note of slight suspicion as he's talking to Amidala, especially when they're in the Senate, when he sort of leans over her shoulder and gives a sort of Iago-like nudge. And then, you know, Sidious, that's a scary guy.

Yeah, and you know, it's... For someone we basically never see in person. He has a lot of terror. It's a skill piece. It's physical stillness combined with that change in voice. Yes. You know, you're only really seeing the bottom half of his face. But even the way he contorts his mouth and the words come out, it's slightly different than with Palpatine, not just because there's

sort of a grimace on his face. Right. And the voice is great. I mean, it is a great, scary voice. It's like he's been doing it for 30 years. Not only are we obviously putting him in the good column, but I'm now starting to argue he was

maybe snubbed of a Best Supporting Actor nomination this year. I think he was snubbed of a Best Supporting Actor nomination. For two performances, this is really good. One could argue he kind of single-handedly carries the movie any scene he's in. Yeah, which is not enough. Okay. All right, next is Pernilla August as Shmi Skywalker. Shmi Skywalker. Pernilla August is, I believe, Swedish.

Swedish actress. Am I right? Yes. And this, I know, was her first english language performance and she basically recited the lines phonetically she had been in some ingmar bergman films yeah uh who was a great director who was wonderful with actors yeah yeah well known for his uh his directing right so once again showing she can do it in the right circumstances she knows how to act yes and oh and she was married to billy August, which is where she got

her last name, who's another great Swedish director. Here's an interesting thing I just found. You were saying that you thought it was her first English language performance. Yeah. She was in two episodes playing different characters of the young Indiana Jones Chronicles. Okay. Fair enough. Which was produced by

Lucas. Georgie Boy Lucas. So that must be where he took note of her. It must be. I think, well, maybe it was her first film. Here's a very, very other interesting thing. In 1999, the same year that Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Mask comes out, in a TV movie,

she plays the title role in Mary, Mother of Jesus. Oh, so she is, wow, she's playing two virgin birth people. Yep. Yep. Yep. And in both cases, their sons went on to, we think, accomplish much goodness, but we don't know. Yeah.

I'm saying, Anakin is the chosen one. He's going to clearly restore balance to the force. That's what we assume would happen in the later films. Right. And Jesus killed it. He was the chosen one. He's going to clearly restore balance to the force. That's what we assume would happen in the later films. Right. And Jesus killed it. He was the chosen one. He restored balance to the force.

I have some news for you, by the way. What? Here's her quote on Wikipedia. Okay. I was very happy to get the part, but it was the first thing I did in English. Young Indiana Jones

was in Italian and German. I never spoke English in that. So I was a little nervous. Ooh. So it was her first English language performance. Okay. And I think, like, yeah, I don't think she had enough confidence in the language. I think it was a lot of, you know, learning the lines phonetically.

David, how would you weigh in on this performance? I think she's good. I do too. I thought we were going to fight over this one. No, no, no. I like her, even if she's maybe sometimes struggling with the accent, and her accent is a little off-putting because no one else in the film really talks like her. But I remember as a kid being really taken in by her voice. I agree.

It doesn't fit in. She has a fantastic voice. But even the accent is very interesting. She has a soft maternal energy even to her way of speaking. Yes. And I would say in the same way that Ian McDermott gives one of the few fun performances, she gives one of the few, I would argue, kind of emotionally resonant

performances. Yes. I think you actually feel the weight of her love for her son. Right. Even though we don't get to see her carry on. Right. Right. You know, she's not given a ton to do, but even with bad scenes, you feel that maternal love. Yeah, and the house that they live in

it is baffling that Watto agrees to surrender Anakin and not her because her role she's like the worst he's the best worker he builds robots he's a genius he's a mechanical genius yeah and he wins pod races he's gonna make so much fucking money off this kid

I don't even understand what her role is I think some of the things she does might not be appropriate for a PG film. I'm saying, knowing Watto, what a scumbag he is. I'm not making crass jokes. I'm saying honestly, that might be subtext. Maybe it was an immaculate birth.

Maybe she just didn't want to tell Anakin that Watto was her father. What if we come up with the theory that Watto is Anakin's father? What if we come up with the theory that Anakin is half Jewish, not Jewish in the eyes of the Lord because his mother probably isn't Jewish. It's unclear. Yeah. What if his, what if,

Oh boy. Am I going to say it? Yeah. What if Anakin's penis is a little blue truck? What if Anakin's penis, his seven-year-old little boy penis, looks like Watto's nose? Watto's uncircumcised nose. We're going to

email George Lucas. We'll hopefully have an answer for you by next week. I assume he'll get back to us shortly because he's not working on anything right now. Yeah, he's georgelucas at example.com. Example.com. Right. He's going to email us back and tell us whether Anakin has a little baby uncircumcised blue penis.

I just want to, you know, she's in the good column. Right? We've marked her down. Oh, she's in the good column. So we're moving on to Oliver Ford Davis. Davies. Oliver Ford Davies. Another really well-known English Shakespearean.

Really? Okay. So I'm not familiar with his work outside of this. In England, I mean, he's on the stage all the time. He's a stage actor. He treads the boards. He's a stage actor. He treads the boards. He treads the boards. The motherfucker treads them boards.

Yeah, he did a leer that I saw, and he was terrific. A good leer. Oh, absolutely. He plays the role of Sayo Bibble. He does. So Sayo Bibble is sort of the whining, poncy advisor to Amidala. Well, Queen Amidala, I'm not sure. advisor to Amidala.

And he, at one point, he sort of complains that their people are dying and Naboo is in trouble. It's some sort of ruse to lure her back to the planet. So you assume that he broke under jelly torture at the hands of the Neimoidians. He does an okay job conveying all of that. Yeah, I give him

good. Once again, it's the classically trained thing. He does find a music in the performance. It's fun. It's light. There's the classically trained thing. He does find the music and the performance. It's fun. It's light. There's the scene where he's talking to the Moideans, and they're in the robot chair. That's right. Yeah.

He's kind of entertaining in that. Naboo is peaceful. Yeah. He's always- He's overdoing it in a way that's actually kind of appropriate. You know what I kind of like is the one where he's on- No, right. That's Palpatine, too.

I was going to give him... It's Palpatine who's on the holographic message, and he starts breaking up, and he goes, Palpatine really should have won Best Reporting Act that year. And then Natalie goes, Senator Palpatine. Set it up, Palpatine. Okay, so I'd say we give... Relax, guy. We give Sio Bevel

a light pass. I mean I'll give him a yes. I'll give him a yes. I mean, he doesn't have a ton to do, but he's- No, but it's a fine performance. It's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a fine performance. It's a fine performance.

I agree. I agree. Okay, now here's one that we discussed a lot last week, mainly for what it isn't rather than what it is. Yeah. Hugh Quarshie, which is an incredible last name. Terrific name. In the role of Captain Panaka.

Captain Panaka. A Ghanaian actor. Really? Yep. Born in Ghana, member of the Royal Shakespeare Company. So another- Oh boy.

Another great, you know, I mean, remember, this film is shot in England. And so obviously Lucas is drawing from the rich tradition of stage acting there and is correctly assuming that Shakespearean actors can lend almost anything gravitas even if it's space nonsense. Not to mention this guy has been in Nightbreed.

He's been in Highlander. Oh, he's in Highlander. Wow. He's done some horror movies. He's done a lot of things. He's done some sci-fi movies. So he, in the past, has shown his ability to lend some gravitas and some weight to sillier sort of cult genre films. Wing Commander, Doctor Who.

He's done a lot of English TV. He's done a lot. Yeah. One interesting piece of trivia for him. He openly refuses to play Othello because he finds the role demeaning for a black man to play. Yeah. First thing I'll say for him, I had no idea he was British. He does a great American accent in this film.

He does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's flawless. I think he does what's asked of him fairly well. Yeah. I think our problem with him is more what we wish the role could be and not really what he's doing. But this is the question. He's not a comedic actor. He's a

Shakespearean actor. Can we blame him for not making the role funnier as proposed in Connor Ratliff's theory? You know, Connor Ratliff's theory I love, but it's not like as written. Panaka is firing off singers. Right.

That would require either a rewrite. Yeah. An extreme pass on the script. A lot of ad-libbing. Bringing on someone who's going to really riff on set. I'm inclined to give Hugh Quarshie a solid pass. I agree. Because he's just, you know, when he's in there in the final action scene, like, you know,

it seems you believe that he's a guy who can lead troops and fire a weapon and do all that stuff. Yeah, and there's a moment I really like in his performance where he comes in and presents R2-D2 to her. Yeah. And he's like kind of,

he goes like, I believe his name is, and he like looks in the back and he's like, R2-D2. Yeah. Yeah, he's just like, I kind of like him in it. Okay.

Oh boy. Oh boy, Ahmed Best. Ahmed Best playing the role of? Of Jar Jar Binks. Now it says voice, but I believe he also performed the role physically. Yes, physically he was on set wearing a suit and with his face exposed. They used his reference, but in certain scenes and shots, when you are just seeing one of his appendages. Yeah.

For example, when he's grabbing the wrench from the pod racer. Okay. When his feet are up on the table and then royal starship it is actually just his body in a suit that's interesting they're like four isolated shots there's a couple shots where it's actually him the arm or the leg when his face is non-screen you're not seeing full body it is him but he was on set the whole time um and it was his first film he had been an extra in morgan freeman high school drama lean on me uh and he he had also been in the off-Broadway stage show Stomp. Right.

That was where he, and he, you know, that's a physical. Yep. So I assume that like, you know, he's almost giving a clown-like performance in Stomp maybe. So maybe that's where Lucas got the idea. You're making noises. You're moving around. Yeah.

But that's not really, we're not really distressed with the physical uh it's the aspect of this it's the vocal it's the vocal now here's my question to you david yeah please shoot were you handed some sides uh for an audition they handed you some sides for addition okay david do you want to read for untitled 1999 Sci-Fi Project? Okay, right. And you read it, and the opening line goes, Oopsie day, Misa so thankful for you sa-saving my life. Misa never know gonna how I repay you. I forgot about oopsie day.

Right. Yeah. You're asking me how do I not give that some kind of inflection. Especially if he's a Jamaican actor or a Caribbean. I forget where he was born. I've watched interviews with him. He doesn't speak with a Caribbean accent. I think he comes from that background. I'm sure he had family members who he was able to reference.

He's a Caribbean descent. Yes, right. Caribbean descent. Yeah, I mean I guess my question is, is there any way to play what is written for you properly? I don't know. And I also think we would love to know just how that direction went.

Yes. If there was the direction of like. I found in the quote section in response to the Jar Jar Binks character representing a black save stereotype. He says, you know what? You got to check your head and examine your own beliefs Jar Jar is an orange frog heads need to relax

that shit is crazy I just thought I was doing a funny role I didn't know that the Jedi were a metaphor for the man okay so let's put him in the bad column cause that's fucking ridiculous I do like that he calls him an orange frog yeah I do like that he calls him an orange rock. Yeah, I do too. Yeah, I mean...

I was going to play devil's advocate and kind of let him off the hook saying he was playing what was written, but if he read what was written and had no part of his brain ping that maybe it was going to read that way... I'm not going to judge the man, but I mean, if you're asking me

if he gave a good performance, it's not a good performance. It's not a good performance. It's not a good performance. Okay, so next is Anthony Daniels playing the barely seen C-3PO, a half-built robot who lives in a sand hut. Small role. Small, somewhat comic role. He sort of like provides some commentary on R2-D2's antics.

Mostly just stands there. Doesn't really do a ton. Doesn't do much of the plot. This is what I like about it, okay? And I don't know what this guy Daniel's background is. I don't know what other work he's done. English actor. Yeah.

I don't know. Yeah. I like the fact that you only get a little taste of this character, but it feels fully developed. That's true. You know? It's like sometimes you see someone play the role they were born to play. You see Jon Hamm take the role of Don Draper.

Donnie Drapes. And you go, oh God. It's Jon Hamm take the role of Don Draper. Donnie Drapes. And you go, oh God, it's like he's been playing this for years already. Right. You watch Anthony Daniels fit into C-3PO and you go, man, it feels like he's been playing this role for like 22 years. I think you're absolutely right. It really did feel like a 22-year legacy. Like a vintage, you know?

He was also a physical performer. Yeah. The C-3PO puppet was so skinny that he stood behind it and puppeteered it. I didn't know that. And then they green screened him out. But he was on set performing the actual puppeteering of the suit. And doing the voice. Yeah.

Which is great. Yeah. I think it's a good column. It's a minor performance. I don't know. Let's give it a good. Let's give it a good. Kenny Baker in the role of R2-D2.

Interesting. Yeah. He's a small man who's inside the suit. He's a little person. He's a little person. Inside of a rubbit. I don't know. How do you judge this?

R2 moves with a real sort of natural kind of, I don't know. Let's give him a good. How can we say it's bad? Let's put it other. Let's put it other. Not to other him. It's not because he's a little person. We can't that right it's hard it's hard we can't all right the thing moves well i don't know who knows how much robotics i don't know uh frank oz in the role

of yoda as a voice a famous muppeteer at the time of the theatrical release it was a puppet that's true that's true and then it was done in CGI. For the re-releases. Yes, the 3D re-release. Yeah, and the Blu-ray. One more attempt at getting that franchise started through a 3D re-release. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how I feel about it.

I really don't like this character. I don't either. And it's hard to judge it because all we have is one movie to go off of. Yeah, it's really, really hard to judge this character. But you look at what this character does in this one film and he's a dick. So awful. He's a dick. He talks in a weird way. It's not funny.

No, and he's not even trying to be funny. He's being serious in everything he says. No, and it feels like the best way to play this character would be with a mix of humor and gravitas. You would maybe want to just lead maybe with a comical sort of punch and then you know then you can bring in some gravitas later.

Because physically he's kind of funny looking. You'd think a great thing would be to have this character enter. Think he was some weird swamp creature. You'd call Jar Jar an orange frog. This guy's a green frog. You bring this guy in and go what's this guy's deal. He looks like a nothing and then reveal he's a Jedi Master.

That would be a great arc. Appearances can be deceiving, right? Right. What if Yoda was outside the Jedi Council high tower, like, cop, it's a bad change, you may have. Right, but then it turns out he's been watching you all along. He still seems creepy. Right.

I would love that. It's a bad. It's a bad performance. Frank Oz. Fuck you, Frank Oz. I love... I'm as big a Muppet head as you will ever find. You are.

It's true. I'm insane about the Muppets. I'm a decent director. I like his movies a lot. Little Shop of Horrors is maybe my single favorite movie musical, I would say. Personal favorite. Right, right, right. It pains me to say it, but this is not a good performance.

Yeah, he hasn't directed a good movie in years, but I love Bowfinger. I love Bowfinger. I love Little Shop. I like In-N-Out. Yeah, I do too. Kind of like, I like What About Bob? I like Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. I even like House Sitter.

Was that what it was called? House Guest? Yeah, House Sitter. No, House Guest is with Sinbad. Right, I always get confused. I watched and loved The Indian in the Cupboard when I was a kid. I haven't seen it in a long time. Yeah you know Frank Oz Frank Oz you're a good guy what the fuck are you thinking yeah all right next Terrence Stamp as chancellor and he gets the end

I believe in this film I know now as in the credits as uh Connor explained to us his role was apparently originally bigger yeah and he went fuck this no thank you and stepped away and had a big old boner for Natalie Portman. He wants to dock in that port. His IMDb portrait by the way is magical. He's wearing a big scarf and he looks real cute. He's on the red carpet for Valkyrie.

I think Terrence Stamp is wonderful in this movie. Really? Yeah I don't know what else to say. I think that he has as far as I remember maybe three scenes? Two or three scenes. He greets Amidala. Yeah. His big scene is when he's in the Senate trying to corral these bunch of alien loonies.

Flying through the air like the uncle from Mary Poppins. I love to laugh. Like the great kazoo. He's just bubbling up in the air like the great kazoo. Like the great kazoo and then Amidala does the devote no confidence and he sinks and he sinks into his chair

just defeated and that's the one I think he just sells it you feel like it's a turning point in the film because you I think as the audience we immediately realize this might be a bad idea, getting rid of this guy. I think that might have not been a moment of conscious acting on his part. I think that might have been something they found in the editing room later.

They didn't realize the camera was rolling. It was when he went. So when is Natalie showing up? It went, she's shooting her scene separately. And then he just sunk into his chair. Oh, God. This podcast is so slanderous towards Terrence Stamp.

We're trying to get him in jail. This is the jinx, but with Terrence Stamp. He'd be a good Robert Durst. He'd be a great Robert Durst, actually. I love Terrence Stamp as an actor. Me too. I think he's one of our finest. Yeah.

I don't think this is a good performance. Uh-oh, Ben. When I say it's a bad performance, I don't know, but I think he doesn't do much with it. I think he seems kind of dead. Like, he does seem dispirited it's a bad performance, I don't know, but I think he doesn't do much with it. I think he seems kind of dead. Like he does seem dispirited about being in the film. I agree with you, but I

think that's all good material that he's using. But I'd argue stacked against his other work, knowing what he's capable of. I want Ben to rule. And I also hate the fact that he just wanted to fuck Natalie that much. You just hate that. Ben? Well, I'm not going to let that be part of my decision.

Okay, be impartial. That's good. Be impartial. We're talking about the acting. Yep. So I'll say it's very not memorable, this performance. That's kind of my argument. Okay.

I mean, I understand what you're saying, but it's like not anything that really stuck out to me. I totally understand, and that is that, and he's ruled bad. Okay. Next is Brian Blessed as Boss Nass, who apparently, we learned last week, just hung out on set a lot until being cast as the sort of Caribbean leader of a frog race. Yeah. Who has a lot of vocal tics. Yeah.

He goes, and he does that, and he has the same irritating racist cadence and vocabulary as Jar Jar Binks with the you saw, me saw thinking, all that stuff. But it comes off a lot better with him. It does. I mean, it's harder to come off worse than Jar Jar Binks. I know. Yeah. And yes, he is still doing a Caribbean-like accent.

And unlike Ahmed Bed, Brian Blessed is a white man. Yeah, but something about like like Jar Jar comes off so step and fetchety yeah I think a lot of the problem with Jar Jar is how stupid and clumsy he is

sure whereas Boss Nass wields real authority the worst traditions of minstrelry and blackface from our history whereas Brian Blessed

is playing a fairly regal character he is respectable yeah he's a boss he's a bit of a buffoon I would say like he seems a little

fat headed but this is George slamming politics at large Yeah. He's a boss. He's a bit of a buffoon, I would say. Like, he seems a little fat-headed. But this is George slamming politics at large. He doesn't like politicians. Right, right, right. Also seemingly doesn't like anybody. This movie is just anti-humanity. Anti-soul. Anyway.

You know, if you're arguing for him to be in the yes column, I'd say fine. Because, you know, it could have been so much worse. And if I have a problem with the actor they chose to play this role and the way they chose to write it, that's different. Next performance. Andy Seacombe. Seacombe, I think. Seacombe. Another

English actor. A Welsh actor, I believe. Credited as Andrew Seacombe in the role of Watto. Yes. Son of the late Sir Harry Seacombe, CBE. Another actor. It comes from a line of actors. So he plays the role of Watto.

Now, we haven't talked a lot about Watto. My favorite character in the film. He had done a lot of TV and a couple small British films before episode one, and since episode one, he has largely reprised the role of Watto. In video games. And Lego specials. Who knows how he got this role? I'm, yeah, it's kind of curious.

I'm assuming he's mostly a stage actor, right? One assumes. Yeah. And he's got the voice. He's doing a very pronounced voice. I don't know if you want to do an impression of Watto. I will in one second. I just want to point out he's been married to Caroline Bliss in September 1995.

Good for him. 20 years. Nice to make it work. 20 years this September. Marriage is a full-time job, you know? You're telling me. You're telling me. We've been married for 25 years.

We look forward to our sequel podcast about our marriage. About our marriage. Yeah, talking marriage. I have a great faith in the boy. It's, it's, I really don't know what to say about this performance. I love Watto. You know I am in the tank for Watto. This entire, the genesis of this podcast was you tweeting the words Watto, though, and

me replying to it. That was the whole tweet. And that came four months... That's literally why this podcast exists. That is why it exists. We started tweeting Watto jokes at each other. You brought up the Chance Cube. Then we took it from Twitter to a private text message

and went, wait a second, should we do... We started just texting each other names of episode one characters to see who could come up with a funnier name, who could have the better pull, and then you went, wait, we should do a podcast. That is the origin of this. Initially, this was going to be like a 30 episode podcast where we only talked about one character. Each episode, we just went into the backstory of one character and discussed it for an hour.

Okay. I think we need to. Watto, THO. That came off of a very successful run of tweets I'd had six months later where I wrote, bad news, went to the doctor today. Tests are inconclusive, but he thinks I have Watto fever. And then kept on posting about Watto fever in the side effects with different pictures of Watto. And those tweets got literally in the sixes or sevens of retweets. I love Watto. He was the first action figure I bought. I remember distinctly you asked last week as part of the Taco Bell

Phantom Menace KFC Pizza Hut Rule the Galaxy thing, which planet was which. Mos Esli was... Mos Espa, sorry. Mispic there for random was which. Mos Esli was... Mos Espa, sorry. Mispik there for random gibberish. Mos Espa was definitely the Taco Bell

Tatooine. The trashiest one. Because I remember, in addition to each store having like eight toys you had to collect, in a future episode I want to read out the list of all these toys because the names of them are incredible. Sure. And you can imagine what kind of gimmicks. They're each like a little spring

loaded thing with amazing titles. But they also each had cups. Collectible cups. Not like collectible glasses. No, yeah, like plastic cups. They were big plastic, like big gulp cups. And the design of the cups were the body of its respective

character. Each store had four cups. This is the merchandise sidebar for this week. Each store had four cups. So the cup just looked like Watto's body. It looked like Watto's tummy with his little legs. And then the top of the cup, there was like a bust of the character. Okay. It was actually more than a bust because it had arms that you could move and a head.

So it was like half of an action figure on top of a cup. You'd stick a straw in Watto's back. And I had that cup and I drank the shit out of it. I bet you did. I drank the shit from it. I drank the shit out of the stuff I drank from that cup. We understand. Watto cup was my favorite.

Watto was my best friend. I'm strongly going to vote for this being a good performance. I'm not going to argue with you. Really? Yeah. Oh my god, I thought that was going to be a fight. No, because I think that, again, I probably have a lot of problems with Wado as character and Wado as voice, but he sells the shit out of the voice. And he's funny. He's got good timing.

What's this? A Jedi thing? Yeah, no, it's true. And that's an important moment because I'm a Toidian. We don't do Jedi tricks. Toidian. Toidian. Yeah, no, it's,, and that's an important moment because- I'm a Toydian. We don't do Jedi tricks. Toydarian. Toydarian. Toydarian. Yeah, no, it's, you know, the Jedi have been invincible thus now, and he gives, yeah.

He gives such a good laugh. He's got a good laugh. Yeah. He's well animated. Wada's a great character. Wada's one of the great characters in all of modern cinema. As David Schwimmer made me aware, he is a bit of a Jewish slaver. Yeah, and he's got an uncircumcised nose.

Next is Ray Park as Darth Maul. Now, here's what's interesting. A physical performance. His voice for his one line of dialogue, two lines of dialogue was- Dubbed by Peter Serafanovic. So just judging as a physical performance, this is a great performance. Yeah, he's a martial artist and he was a gym teacher. He was, you know- All that's called upon him is to be menacing, which he does

well. The makeup does a lot of the work. Yeah, but that is him. But he has good physicality and the fight scenes are incredible. No stunt guy, it's all him. It's fantastic. And he'd been in Mortal Kombat Annihilation. Okay. And the year after this, he was in X-Men as Toad, which I think is his best performance. Yeah, he's funny in that.

He's got dialogue. No, we're saying he's good. Ray Park did a good job. Lewis McLeod as the voice of Sebulba. He's great. Really? We haven't gotten into Sebulba yet. I don't like this performance. You don't like Sebulba? I don't like the choice of voice. I love Sebulba as a character. Okay. His voice has always been my least

favorite part. Do his voice. I like his voice. I like his voice. I'm into Sebulba. I would go bad performance on Sebulba. Ben, how would you weigh in? Yeah, Ben, you're going to have to break this tie. I like Sebulba. The voice. Just the voice. I like Sebulba once again. I don't like the voice.

I don't know. I like Sebulba as a physical character, but not as a voice. That's all we're judging for this performance. We're going to have to flip a coin. Yeah, this is really tough. I actually can't make, I know I'm supposed to be the judge. Ben, break out the Chance Cube. Okay. You have failed in your service as the Robert Duvall of our podcast.

Chance Cube. Okay. That's red. That's blue. Red means good performance. Bad means bad performance. Chance Cube on the table. And here we go. Fuck, it went Red means good performance. Bad means bad performance. Chance Cube on the table, and here we go.

Fuck, it went good. Good performance, Lewis, whatever your name is. Okay, Warwick Davis. Warwick Davis. He plays a bunch of people. I don't think we should be judging multiple performances. That's tough. Wald, Podrace.

Wald is the green little alien boy and he's buddy non-vocal he waves his arms around a lot Padre Spectator that's him out of makeup he's in Jabba's Wado's viewing box at the Padres it's just him with the dumb hair he's a Moses Pacific I don't think he did a good job

I don't know who you are Steve Spires is Captain Tarples that That's the Jar Jar's. Oh, Jar Jar, you say impic du du now. No, no thank you. No, thank you. Hard pass on that one. Another Welsh actor. He's also in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, apparently. Okay. Anyway, Silas Carson Carson who plays Newt Gunray the lead Neimoidian and Ki Adimundi who is a Jedi yep and Lot Dodd is that another Jedi and a Republic cruiser pilot so he's all over this movie but this is as physical performances I believe he's not the voice uh you're probably. I don't know. Oh, he's a handsome man. Really? Very handsome.

Silas. I'm scrolling down to check. If he was the voice as well... He also is the voice of the Ood in Doctor Who. He's not the voice. Well, he's great as the Ood. He is. Yeah.

He's not the voice of Newt Gunray? He's not. Well, as the guy who physically embodies those roles, he's fine. I would say he's bad. Great. Let's mark him down as bad. Great. I hate everything about those characters.

I don't want to give anyone any credit. I don't know any of the next person's credits. Drum Blake, Mas Amedda. Who are these people? Jedi Council, Orn Frita. This can't count. This can't count. Rune Ku.

You don't want the people who are just the physical? You don't want to count these people? I don't know who any of these people are in this movie and I've watched this movie like ten times. So are we taking back our bad vote for Silas Carson? No, no, no, because he's important enough. I can tell you who all these people are. Oh my god.

Runehaku is like the assistant to Newt Gunray. Masamita is the one with like the brown skin and like tattoos all over his face and horns and long hair. Ornfrey Ta is another one of the fucking Jabbas. It's not a good performance. Yeah, Markham, no.

Alan Rusko plays Bib Fortuna, who's Jabba's sort of secretary. Yeah. Plu Clune. Plu Clune. Who's the beetle face guy, the one who looks like a cockroach. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna say no I'm gonna say

it feels like Bib Fortuna could have been done better maybe by a different actor yeah I do like Plo Kloon though

yeah let's vote against it okay yeah Bib Fortuna feels like an unexploited character Ralph Brown as Rick Ollier oh he's awful

agreed he is so bad that's the that's the sort of the Naboo is so bad. That's the sort of the Naboo starfighter pilot. He's the pilot of the princess's ship. He has a bunch

of annoying scenes. Mm-hmm. And he really sucks. I hate him. He's really bad. Is he in the final starfight? I forget. I don't even remember.

He's such a non-entity. He's a piece of shit. Okay, these next three are Celia Emery, who's a grid actress. Oh, I love her. As currently seen in the second best Exotic Marigold Hotel. That's right.

Benedict Taylor and Clarence Smith as fighter pilot Bravo 5, 2, and 3. I don't remember any of these people being in it. I remember her in it. They're all fine, but I don't think we can count them. Yeah, I agree with that. We skip. Ooh. Yeah, we'll skip them, but we'll go to Samuel L. Jackson.

As Mace. Another Academy Award nominated actor. Jedi, K'Night. Mm-hmm. Mace Windu. I think he's all right, actually. I think he's all right. Yeah, I think that, again, like Neeson, he has to project a lot of authority with very little.

And he does that well. He's another guy with presence. Mace Windu's a bit of a jerk. Yeah. But he's not quite as bad as Yoda, who openly mocks a child for being scared. Right. You know, he's a little more forgiving. He's just a, you know, he has a sort of formality to him, a little stiffness that all the Jedi seem to have.

Anyway, let's give him a good. Let's give him a good. Dominic West is a palace guard. Don't remember him in the movie. I remember him, and he's not good. Oh, sorry, Dom. Yeah. You hadn't figured it out yet.

Later goes on to be McNulty in The Wire. He's out of his element. All right. We have to skip the next three. That's Rebbe, Erete, Yane. And we have Sofia Coppola as Sashay. Now, apparently she's in this movie. She's very difficult to spot.

Yeah. I think it's also not happening. But Keira Knightley as Sabe. Doing the, you know, really the majority of the heavy lifting as Amidala. I would argue Keira Knightley, I think, is a very underrated actress. Yeah. Two well-deserved Academy Award nominations. One who grew.

She's an actress who's, yeah. Not a good performance. No, it's a bad performance. Not a good performance. And a better performance might have helped that whole ridiculous plot line. Yeah, she looks physically uncomfortable on camera. Yes, she does. Which is understandable because she's wearing a lot of bullshit.

Brana Gallagher plays Republic Cruiser Captain. Sorry, Brana, I don't know who you are. Jon Fenton is in the suit for TC-14. With that real sort of come hither Marilyn Monroe ass. Fuck me physicality. I mean, he's really playing sort of the eye candy of the movie.

I agree. I feel, you know, not conflicted that it was played by a man. It's certainly broadening my sexual horizons because I really, really want to fuck TC-14 with every movement. I would argue it's a good performance. That's fine. That's absolutely fine. John Fenton in the suit.

All right. Now, Greg Proops as Fode. Who is one of the two-headed potteries. Scott Capurro plays Bede, but Bede's lines are all in Huttese. Yes. I would argue that Bede's performance is bad and Fode is good. You think Fode is good? Now, and you should listen to Matt Gourley's podcast.

I was there, too, where he interviewed Greg Poops about making this movie and it seems like a very frustrating process one although he's he's very kind to Lucasfilm for like sort of inviting him back

to do video games things like that but he improvised a lot of those lines he improvised some pretty annoying lines like I don't care what universe you're from

that's gotta hurt at the time of the release of the Phantom Menace which was... And I love Greg Poops. The best film I've seen, yes. Who's Lines and I was my favorite show on TV. I was so excited about the fact that a

Who's Lines guy was in Star Wars. Yeah. And I also distinctly remember my dad taking a phone call after we saw Phantom Menace. We went out to dinner. Sure. And he went, uh, it was loud. That was his... And then he hung up and I went, you didn't like it? Because I was like, that's the best movie ever. And he went, it was loud. That was his. And then he hung up and I went, you didn't like it?

Because I was like, that's the best movie ever. And he went, I thought the announcer was funny. So that stuck with you. He laughed through all of the announcer. My dad loves sports. He loves sports commentators. He thought it was funny to place it in. I don't know why I'm being mean.

Proops did good. And he also, it's kind of one modern relatable element In a film that is so Distanced from our own reality And not only that But like There's some humor there That's just sorely lacking Right

So I think we give him a point And Scott Caporo Is in the bad column Sorry Scott Apparently Scott Caporo Initially recorded all his lines In English Later was told

He had to dub Really Yes So not his fault But it's not a good performance Alright now there's a bunch of people Who are not These are Jedi's

Not speaking roles. Michelle Taylor played Yarel Pouf, clearly a homophobe as an actress. We're skipping ahead to these. Oh boy, skipping straight down to Lindsay Duncan as the voice of TC-14. That's one we really wanted to get to. Oh boy, like pouring honey on a dick, you know? Absolutely. Like pouring honey on my dick.

Lindsay Duncan, I really, I could just tell you there's like a half dozen things you should watch right away quick recommendations because this is an easy last year's The Honorable Woman

a wonderful yeah my brother's crazy about that La Weekend with Jim Broadbent that's a great little movie that's a lovely little movie she's the mother

in About Time I don't remember her being very central to About Time but she's good she's very good in it. There's the scene where he comes to visit when Bill Nye's dying. I forget what her dialogue is, but it's someone grieving in process,

knowing that she's losing the love of her life. I think her performance is Margaret Thatcher that your French uncle loved. Jean-Claude, my uncle. Oh, sorry. Well, he's French. Yeah. Your French uncle. Right. I think you-Claude, my uncle. Oh, sorry. Well, he's French. Yeah. Your French uncle. Right.

I thought you said your friend. Your friend uncle. Yeah. You know, she's in Rome. She was great in Rome. Yeah, she's great in everything. This is an easy grid column. My favorite Lindsay Duncan performance,

I just want to get down to it, is in the 2001 BBC miniseries, Perfect Strangers, that everyone should watch with Michael Gambon and Matthew McFadden. It's great. My favorite Lindsay Duncan performance is as the voice of TC-14 in The Wet Dream that I had last night. That is my favorite of her performances.

All right, so she's a good. She's a great. Okay. Peter Serafinowicz. He's Darth Maul, the voice. Also the voice of a battle droid commander and a Gungan scout. He kills it. Good voice work.

He just kills it. Yeah, it's an easy pass. James Taylor as the voice of Rune Haku. Get the fuck out of here, James Taylor. I assume this is James Taylor the musician, singer of Fire and Rain. I can only assume. Who's Rune Haku again?

He's one of the Nemoidians. He's the one... Is he the one who's kind of like... He's like behind him? Yeah. Who's the Nemoidian with the one who's kind of like... He's like behind him? Yeah. He's like the assistant. Who's the Neboidian with the shit all over her face? Oh, God.

I wish I knew her name. She's got like the robot eyes. She's got like robot glasses. She's the worst. What's up with that person? She's the worst. Okay, so he's a British actor. He's on a ton of TV, including Fawlty Towers.

Wow. Jimmy. The Prisoner. He was on 11 episodes of The Prisoner. He was in A Cry inty Towers. Wow. Jimmy. The Prisoner. He was on 11 episodes of The Prisoner. He was in A Cry in the Dark? Oh, no, not The Prisoner. It was just called Prisoner. He was in a movie called Lawrence from Outer Space.

Plenty. He was also in Plenty. He did two different films with Meryl Streep. This is an awful performance. We can agree. You blew it, buddy. We've been mocking this. Who knows who was the first one to come up with the voice?

He was only playing along. But he's doing the voice, just like Newt Gunn But he's doing the voice just like Newt Gunn. Do we ever figure out who voices Newt Gunn? Senator Lot Dodd is also one of the Neimoidians. Toby Longworth, also a white British man. Also the voice of Gra Gra. We haven't discussed Gra Gra yet. We'll get to Gra Gra.

We might do a whole Gra Gra episode. Gra Gra is one of the reasons we started doing this podcast. Absolutely. Both of those are bad performances. No question. Did we ever get to the voice of Newt Gunnery? It must be further down here. No, it's not.

I think that Silas Carson is the voice of Newt Gunnery. Hold on, because that would be... That would be a problem. Roman Coppola, uncredited as Senate Guard. Yeah. I'm going through all these uncredited here. Gunk drives. I think that's it.

Will you pull up Wikipedia? I am pulling up Newt Gunray's entry right now. This is going to be the grand conclusion of this podcast. Because, yeah, I don't see any other ones that really needed to be covered. We went through all the big ones. The freaking Wikipedia pretends like it's real so it doesn't tell you who played him. You have to go

way down to find out. This episode is sponsored by IMDb and not by Wookieepedia. Wookieepedia, get off your fucking high horse. Yeah, he was played by Silas Carson and played by... Yeah, that's it. Okay, so you were going to vote for him to be in the good column. No, he's out of the good column. He's not. He was the voice of Newt Gunray. Right. So you were going to vote for him to be in the good column. No, he's out of the good column.

He's not. He was the voice of Newt Gunray. Right. He was in the bad column originally. He stays in the bad column. Okay. Yeah. So here's our final tally.

Yeah. One vote for other. Yeah. Good job, Kenny. Yeah. Good job. But we can't call that a good performance. Yeah.

You, yeah, you move it around a lot. Yeah. And a lot of it feels CGI. Oh boy. In the good column. Okay. 15. 15. Yeah. And a lot of it feels CGI. Oh boy. In the good column. Okay. 15. Okay. Pretty good. We voted that there were 15 good performances in this one. I'm

immediately regretting that, but okay. Yep, me too. I think we went a little too easy on this one. In the bad column? But two of those 15 were TC-14. And in the bad column, 17. Okay. So we have officially decided that the acting in Phantom Mass is bad, but only by a hair. On balance, it's bad, but, you know.

It's a squeaker. There's some good stuff in there. It's a squeaker. Did we say Natalie Portman was good? No, we didn't. No, we didn't. Okay, good. I'm already forgetting.

I do, yeah. Looking at this list, I feel I feel We were a little too nice And I like the movie I would say that we're going to get a lot of viewer Hate mail for this but good thing we have never Disclosed our emails on this show My email is on my Twitter account

Feel free to tweet at us tell us if you disagree With any of these performances I'm Griff Lightning on Twitter We are both also on the Star Wars Card Trader app under those names if you want to make a trade. I got a green Lando. I don't know if people want it. It's weird though. It feels like there are a lot of expanded universe characters in this app because there are a lot of characters who aren't in Phantom Menace.

Yeah, like I don't know who Lando is, but I got a green one. Yeah. There's a character named Han Solo. Who I have like 27 of so if anyone wants a Han Solo I don't care about characters who aren't in the movie maybe he's from one of the fucking video games he looks kind of like a young Harrison Ford I don't give a shit

I like cool looking aliens this is just some dude with a fucking haircut I know a bunch of C-3PO's he looks like Alan Starzinski he's just a dude in a vest and that's a. I know a bunch of C-3PO's where he's got... He looks like Alan Starzinski. He's just a dude in a vest. And that's a shout out to Alan Starzinski who really wants to be on this podcast. Okay. Yeah, look forward. We're gonna have some guests in the future, I think. Right?

We're working on that. Yeah, this was another solo bullet. Solo bullet. Hold on. Hold on. Yeah, but we have some guests on the work that I think will be exciting. So tweet us if you disagree.

Tweet at... David L. Sims. David L. Sims, Griff Lightning, Star Wars Cart Rare. Tweet at JLipNicky. Tweet hashtag YesJake. It's Jonathan Lipnicky. His Twitter account is JLipNicky. Oh, no. I thought you said Jake Lipnicki No no no you hashtag yes Jake

Saying yes you agree That Jake is bad In the Phantom Menace Is Jake Lloyd on Twitter I don't think so I think he wants to avoid the abuse Look I think child actors should be able to live In you know

Whatever kind of life they want In relative peace not be pestered For their past work be able to live in, you know, whatever kind of life they want. A relative peace. A relative peace. Not be pestered for their past work. Be able to live a normal life. So for that reason, I encourage you to go on Twitter and blindly tweet at JLipNicky. Hashtag guest Jake. I'm trying to get him to block me on as many different Twitter accounts as possible.

Because the last podcast I hosted, Talking TCGS, in which Ben produced and you were often a guest, he blocked us. All right. Goodbye. Goodbye, everybody. Another great week. Another one for the record books. Five episodes of Just Talking About Phantom Menace. Not acknowledging anything else.

Not comparing it to other movies that may or may not exist. All stemming out of one tweet. Watto, though. Watto, comma, T-H-O, period. So I'm proud of myself. David, are you proud of yourself? I'm so proud. Ben, are you proud of period so I'm proud of myself David are you proud of yourself I'm so proud Ben are you proud of yourself

I'm proud put that three in the good column we're the best podcast of all time thank you for listening and tune in next week bye