Blank Check with Griffin & David - Politics - Attack Of The Podcast

Episode Date: August 10, 2015

7 episodes in and hosts David and Griffin are waning. This week, while attempting to discuss Senator Palpatine’s rise to power as Darth Sidious (the titular Phantom Menace), Count Doku pulling strings for the separatists, and just exactly what the Galactic Senate does for the universe they hit a major detour: Griffin reads from his awful 6th grade paper about the movie Beauty Shop. Is the Galactic Senate like the United Nations? Or more like NATO? Why did Griffin think Amos ’n’ Andy had funny jokes? Don’t expect any answers!

Hello, Fennel. Welcome to Attack of the Podcast. Strong, strong opening. I am Griffin Claude Barrister, Doe Fan Newman. I'm David Lawrence Sims. And I'm Producer Ben. A.K.A. Perdure Ben, A.K.A. Ben the Benducer. Perdure Ben.

Perdure Ben. I'm fucking... I was telling the guys, the boys, before we recorded, my parents have to move out of my childhood home tomorrow at noon, and so I for the last three nights have been sleeping on the floor of my vacated childhood bedroom, surrounded by garbage bags, with just a pillow. You could get an

inflatable mattress, you know. Buy one just for this fucking three-day stay? I don't know. It's good to have. I'm made of money. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in a while. Sure. I don't sleep very well, so I'm pretty tired. But his name is Ben Hosley, a.k.a. Purdue-er Ben, a.k.a.

The Ben Ducer, a.k.a. The Poet Laureate, a.k.a. Mr. Positive, a.k.a. The Haas. The Haas. The Haas. Thank you. Yeah.

A.k.a. Hello Fennel. And there is another one you added but I've already forgotten it In last week's episode Fun fact My roommate just moved out Learned not Molly I stayed in his bed once

In a room with a lot of books and reptiles That's correct He just moved out left his bed I took it so now I have a better bed Upgraded my bed Where did Learnernon move to? Santa Fe. What? Why? He's going to grad school.

Where? St. John's University, I believe. The Great Books! The Great Books curriculum at St. John's. It's called Great Books? They do this thing called the Great Books curriculum. I don't know. Okay. He packed his shit in a U-Haul and drove to Santa Fe from Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn. I'm tired of moving.

I think moving's stupid. No one should move. Well, he really moved. Yeah, that's a big move. It was a real move. That's a big move. But yeah, I forgot you stayed in his bed once. Yeah, and he had a 12-foot bone constrictor. Yeah. Maybe it was 6-foot. I forget. It was a big snake. You want to know the dumbest thing about this move my parents are making? Go ahead. And how much stress and anxiety it's cost

me and how little sleep I'm getting and all this stuff? Yeah, sure. Literally moving five blocks away. Right, they're moving within a neighborhood, basically. Yeah, and my dad, like, we went and got dinner the other night, like, in the quote-unquote new neighborhood. Right. And he's like, what do you think of the new neighborhood? Pretty hip, huh?

Five blocks. But it's not a new neighborhood, is it? No, they're moving, they're literally... They're moving, like, within the village. They're moving, like, four avenues over. Yeah, all right. Well, new neighborhood, is it? No, they're moving They're literally within the village. They're moving like four avenues over. Yeah. Alright. Well, new neighborhood. Hey man, if you live one place for, I don't know, how long have you lived in that place?

My dad's lived there for probably about 35 years. You know, anything's a change. Yeah, I agree. But that speaks more to the fact that my father never went beyond a five block radius. He's a parochial man. Yeah. Is what you're saying. He works two blocks away from where he's lived for the last 35 years. Sure. It sounds like a good life. He's a parochial man. Yeah. Is what you're saying. He works two blocks away from where he's lived for the last 35 years. Sure.

It sounds like a good life. He like has like only two places where he eats. Really? Yeah. So I could go find your dad if I went to wherever. Well he used to always go to Grey's Papaya on 8th and 6th. I know on 8th and 6th that's yeah and it's gone now. Got demolished by a liquateria. Well your dad

has been eating Grey's Papaya hot dogs, like, as a meal for, like, decades? Yeah. Those things are not exactly, like, if I eat, like, three of those, it's an emergency. Did I mention my father's dead? That he died 25 years ago. When you say he's moving a few avenues over, you mean a few avenues into heaven. He's a ghost dad. Yeah.

That's what I'm talking about, ghost dad. He's a ghost dad, directed by Sidney Poitier. heaven he's a ghost dad yeah let's not talk about ghost he's a ghost dad directed by sydney patiae um uh no yeah my father my father he would only eat graceful pie he'd get the recession special which was the two two dogs two dogs and a soda or whatever right or a papaya by the way this is a podcast about uh star wars episode two attack the clones the sequel to the phantom menace uh he would get the recession listeners in case first time listeners, in case you're just tuning in. Yeah, this is This isn't Talking Dad, this is

Attack of the Podcast. Griffin Dave presented Attack of the Podcast where we talk about the second and final Star Wars film. Now my dad, let me just, no. Well let me finish up my dad and then we'll all have time to talk about dads. I have another thing I want to talk about. We all got time to talk about our dads. He would order the recession special

And then the Atkins craze hit And my father was like I do have a bit of a belly I should probably lose some weight So then he did what he called the modified Atkins Which was he got the recession special but without buns So he would just eat a craze With a wiener He would just eat two wieners

That's gross And also how do you even like It's a hot tube of meat Yeah they would just eat two wieners. That's gross. And also, how do you even, like, how are you handing? It's a hot tube of meat. Yeah, they would just throw it at him. They'd throw it into his mouth. I love Grace Papaya. It's the best.

It still exists on 72nd and Broadway. That's the only other true, pure Grace Papaya. It's important to note. There's Papaya Dog. I'm fine with the other papayas. They're just not as good. It's not the same thing. You know, but if I want a cheap- meal at like 11 at night or whatever in Manhattan,

then yeah. But there's like the papaya dog on like, what is it, like 6th Avenue and like, it's right next to the IFC. That's correct. Like near Waverly. Yeah. And that one is fine, but they also sell fucking like Philly cheesesteaks and chicken fingers and all these things.

Yeah, it's horse shit. You should just have hot dogs. Well, that's something Grace Papaya just fucking knew. It's like six fruit drinks. Yeah. Hot dog. That's it. The weird thing about Grace Papaya is they're like, we're going to be a hot dog place.

And what do people like with hot dogs? Papaya juice. And exotic fruit drinks. It really does feel like it's like someone's like, I'm going to open a bagel store. And like, what do people like with bagels? Papaya juice. It doesn't match with anything. But they just decided, you know what? They're going to haveels? Papaya juice. It doesn't match with anything. But they just decided, you know what?

They're going to have the fucking papaya juice. I think the point you're making here is papaya juice doesn't go all of anything. It doesn't really go. It's just weird. It's a weird juice. So my piece of news is I don't know if anyone's heard of Noel Edmonds. I grew up in Britain. This better tie into your dad.

No, no, no, no. Definitely. Well, kind of. Anyway, Noel Edmonds is the host of the british deal or no deal okay uh my favorite game show of all time the american version is your favorite or the british yeah i just love howie you just love how you see the british feel or deal is very different how so well it's the same concept of your opening boxes oh pounds that's true money is in pounds sure but uh rather than girls holding the suit, which is I believe how it works in the American version,

the contestants all have a box. There's 20 contestants or however many boxes they are. They all live in a hotel together. It's a daily show, Monday to Fridays, and every day a new one of them is chosen to be the picker. And you don't know if you're boxed. And then the the picker i don't know you don't know if your box and your box and then you bring your box with you and you don't know what's in it and then a new person is added and they get a new box you know it is and it's sort of so they all know each

other yeah and they've been living together for weeks sometimes even months and they're really like there's a lot of like jimmy i'm really rooting for you i'm really hoping that this is you know that there's a low number in this spot you know like this is crazy it's really good and Noel Edmonds is the the host and he I think like how he does a

lot of like I just talked to the banker and oh I hate him I hate him I love you and I hate him yeah he really plays it up anyway so I was addicted to Deal and No Deal when I was in

college he gave a bizarre new interview claiming that Wi-Fi is destroying our electromagnetic fields and death does not exist. Yeah, two good points. He explains the key to happiness is to reimagine your physical body as a container of energy that will return to a massive universal web when you die. How else would anyone think of their body? That's what a body is. And so he says you don't live life.

Life lives you. There is no such thing as death. It's what a body is. And so he says, you don't live life, life lives you. There is no such thing as death. It's just departure. You cannot die. It's been known for a very long time. Is Cameron Crowe writing Noel Edmonds now? What is this? My energy will return to where it came from,

part of a massive, incomprehensible, universal web of energy. You don't live life, life lives you. That's a fucking Elizabeth town. Noel Edmonds, here he is. Oh, he looks great.

Yeah, Noel Edmonds, he used to host a show in the 90s called Noel's House Party, a British chat show. It was very strange. And then he kind of tailspin kind of vanished from media and then came back with Deal or No Deal. And he said the reason that he had come back is because he had written down every day that he wanted to be like a success again. He would just write it down like a hundred times. I should do that. He said that was the secret too.

It was sort of a secret type. That sounds amazing. Anyway, Noel Edmonds. Ben, what's up with your dad? Oh, God. He's doing good. He's retired now. Where does he live? Where do you hail from, Ben? From New Jersey.

NJ! The Nige! The Nige. But he... The Nige. Shaper the mosquito. But my father was a painter. Like a house painter or a fine artist? No, fine artist.

And he lived in the East Village, and he had an opportunity to buy this amazing apartment for no money when it was a shithole in the late 60s, and he didn't. And that was my bread and butter. That's the legacy you did not get. You could be living in these villas right now, rent free. I know.

It'd probably be really annoying though. Yeah. There's a lot of electro smog there probably. Electro smog? That's what Noel Edmonds is worrying against. There's too much electro smog. Okay. Star Wars Episode II, Attack of the Clones.

Should we get to it? We're sick of this movie. It's like, let's just, let's just, let's hold hands, Griffin. Let's hold hands.

We're holding hands. We're holding hands. Okay. I'm sick of this movie. I don't ever want to talk about it again. We have about three more episodes to do. We have three more episodes left. Yeah.

Okay. This is one of them, right? I think we have four, including this one. Eight, nine, ten. Is of them, right? I think we have four, including this one. Eight, nine, ten. Is this seven or eight? What is this we're recording? This is number seven.

Oh, geez, Luis. Yeah, boy, oh, boy. It's okay. We've got it planned out. We just talked about it. We're going to do it. Yeah. It's going to be totally fine.

How many minutes have we been recording, Ben? Ten minutes. Great, great, great, great, great. What are we? Oh, my God. So we're here to talk about Star Wars. I thought we were 45 minutes. Episode two, Attack of the Clones. You thought we'd done it great. So we're here to talk about Star Wars. I thought we were 45 minutes. Episode 2, Attack of the Clones.

You thought we'd done it. You thought we'd done it. We're here. Yes, that's why we're here. Talk about episode 2. Dads of our dads. A Tark of the Clones. We are here because, yeah, that's true.

Good point. Tie it all together. We couldn't be here without the Daddy-Os upstairs. Our three dads live together in an apartment above UCB Comedy's recording studio. The daddy-o's upstairs. They live on the 10th floor. We're on the 9th floor. Yeah, we've been pitching that sitcom to NBC for 18 years.

They keep saying, stop it. Yeah. We have never heard of these three men. You got Sims, Hosley, Newman, all together, one apartment. Who? What? Why is a seven-year-old pitching me this? I was just thinking, you know how BoJack Horseman... Have you watched BoJack Horseman?

I have not. Oh, there's this great bit in BoJack where one of the characters starts dating what is very clearly three little boys stacked on top of each other's shoulders with wearing a trench coat. And one of their arms is like a broom because they obviously can't fill out the trench. And it's just very funny. I was just thinking about that. What if that had been us? Going around Hollywood.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We would have sold it. Yeah, we would have sold it. We were missing only a trench coat. I stand by this statement I'm about to make. Oh boy. Kids stacked on top of each other in a trench coat is one of the things that will always be

funny without exception. I agree. Always funny. I have never seen it not be funny. I have never heard someone reference it and not laughed out loud it's always very easy the fucking best in every way the idea of it is funny the visual itself is funny they move funny the voices are funny like everything about it the thing they want to accomplish is funny it's funny that they want to accomplish it's funny that they want to accomplish how they've decided to do that and it's funny that they want to accomplish it. It's funny that they want to accomplish it. And that this is how they've decided to do that. And it's funny that they would still think it could work.

Yeah, right, right. Even though that's a commonly known trope at this point. And the trope is that it's not convincing. And it's usually to buy alcohol or get into a movie. It's to do a very innocuous thing. The movie one's the funniest. The movie one is obviously the funniest. Because what movie could possibly justify... Beverly Hills Cop 2.

Ugh, so true. Yeah. Oh my god. Zack is up on top of a trench coat. Because what movie could possibly justify Beverly Hills Cop 2 So true Oh my god The fact that it's a trench coat Is so funny too Right Anyway, Attack of the Clones Today we're talking about Politics

Don't turn off your podcast This isn't going to be C-SPAN We got a fun irreverent twist We should talk about the fact that. This isn't going to be C-SPAN. We got a fun irreverent twist. We should talk about the fact that the Senate does kind of look like C-SPAN though. It does. It totally does. Flying C-SPAN. We've watched two of these fucking Phantom Menace movies now.

We've talked a lot about it on the sidelines. I don't understand how the fucking political system works in these movies. No. I want to fucking dig into it because I can't figure out what the structure of it is. But I can try. We I want to fucking dig into it because I can't figure out what the structure of it is. But I can try. We've got to ask questions, though. Yeah. These two films...

That's the only way you get answers is by asking questions. Yeah. You're not guaranteed. No, but it's the only way. Yeah. Because I'll say, anytime anyone's given me an answer

to a question I didn't ask, I'm actually angry. Like, even if it is helpful, I'm like, fuck you, you know? Absolutely. Two of these movies, the Galactic Republic, the Senate, whoever the chancellor is, all the senators, these things factor heavily into the plot. Of course, it's the motivation for everything. Right.

And if anything, quietly on the sidelines, this fucking like Palpatine rise to power plot line is maybe the most interesting in the movie. Right. And if anything, quietly on the sidelines, this fucking Palpatine rise to power plotline is maybe the most interesting in the movie. Yeah. And it's sort of obviously modeled on a sort of Hitler rise to power thing. Right. You know, he's like engineering Oh, Jesus. Turn your fucking phone off, Griffin. He's engineering crises,

external crises, to vault his way up into power. And eventually suspend power. But Georgie Porgie's combining a lot of different things here. And he's doing a lot of allegorical stuff. He's very much a Hitler figure.

George Lucas? George Lucas is very much a Hitler figure. And then he based one of the characters on himself and it's Chancellor Palpatine. But then he wasn't able to direct him very well. Yeah. Because it's just too close to home. Of course, that's the problem. It became a very personal

project for him. Yeah, he just is like looking in a mirror. Palpatine, obviously, yes. A dictator figure. But then the Galactic Sat scenes very much feel like based on the American Senate. Sure. The current gridlock. Right.

The clowns in Washington, I like to call them. Right. I don't call it so much of a Congress as a circus. The fat cats up on Capitol Hill. And those two. Yeah. The fat cats and the fat dogs. This idea, it's all this petty arguing.

There are some fat dogs. Why does it have to be cats? I just never understood that. Yeah, you know what that is? Is it because cats, when they're fat, are seen as kind of lazy, and dogs, when they're fat, are just kind of cute? Is that it? Yeah, I think fat dogs still fucking get around. Yeah, because, like, a fat dog, it's like, well, you're a dog.

You're dumb anyway. I love dogs. Like, dogs are the best. Me too. Cats, when they're fat, you're like... Pieces of shit. You're not supposed to be fat. You're like a live animal.

Yeah. Like, you're supposed to be able to jump around. You're supposed to be, like, live. Yeah, you've been ruined. I think I actually have the answer. I think Garfield fucked it up for all cats. Ugh, Garfield. Do you know what I'm saying?

He allowed cats to be fat, you're saying? Well, he was fat and he was such a piece of shit. That's suddenly the shorthand for like, okay, what's the worst kind of thing someone can be? Oh, you think it comes from Garfield. It's like, oh, the fat cat. Just from America's hatred of Garfield. Yeah, you just fucking get fat and you sit around and complain and you fuck with a dog. I'm looking up the Galactic Republic on the wiki right now.

Okay, please do. But yeah, that gridlock that like we can't get anything done. It's all this petty fighting. But then simultaneously with, and Anakin fucking talks about this, a like dictator figure a man rising to power with trying to uh accrue the uh political weight to make his wills reality with no interference right he's looking to i mean a triumph of the will you could say is what he's aiming for yes exactly i mean it's as if like there's plenty of sci-fi movies fantasy movies movies, where there's an evil emperor or a lord and he's just in charge of the whole world or the whole galaxy.

Skeletor. Skeletor. Exactly. Actually trying to explain how that could come about. Yeah, which I don't think anyone gives a shit about. Nope. No. No, but that's your point.

Most movies where there's a bad guy who rules over everything like Lord whatever. It's just that's the situation. He's the bad guy and he did bad shit. Evil wins. Right. And good people want to take him down. Goodies versus baddies. Right. Yeah. But this is like how many different times would a guy have to get reelected

and climb the ranks of different political positions to get to a point where no one can tell now. And one reason it doesn't make a ton of sense. So the arc in these two movies is, in the first movie, Palpatine is a lowly senator from Naboo, which is like a small system, small peaceful planet. And because of the Naboo crisis and his deft handling of it

and the other Chancellor, Chancellor Valorum's poor handling of it, he gets to be Chancellor. It's like a right place, right time thing. He climbs the ladder at the right place at the right time. And obviously, as we know, Palpatine is secretly orchestrating the whole Naboo thing, obviously, to that end. As Darth Sidious, he is the titular Phantom Menace. He's playing one side against the other. And he's leading both sides, basically.

In movie two, he's still doing it. He has Dooku now pulling the strings for the separatists. And the separatist crisis lets him basically get an army for himself as Supreme Chancellor. Not to mention he knows that Padme as a woman of deep integrity

will try to shut down any of his plans. So he's like let's fucking try to kill down any of his plans. Yeah. So he's like, let's fucking try to kill Padme. Right. Here's a quick sidebar question. Do you think his goal was to kill Padme or to scare her so that she goes off the grid like that?

Not sure. It's a good question, because obviously he's orchestrating the assassination through eight back channels. And it fucks up, but then he, in the next scene, pushes really hard like, you should just go on the lam. And it almost seems like that's what he was planning the whole time.

Probably knows Padme long enough to know, like, It's gonna be hard to kill her. Whoever you think is Padme is not Padme. Oh, that's true. If you punch Padme, Padme then takes, like, she's holding off a newspaper in the background and wearing a phony mustache stacked up on top of three other kids in a trench coat. I wish that was happening.

That'd be great. At Dexter's Diner. Yeah. Dexter's Diner. But yeah, he gets her out of the picture so that he knows he can

fucking get dumb as a bag of rocks Jar Jar Binks to represent her vote. Who he manipulates, doesn't he? He's like, is it that he says

like out loud near Jar Jar Binks like, oh, I wish someone would. Yeah, I mean manipulate't he? He's like, is it that he says like out loud near Jar Jar Binks like, oh, I wish someone would. Yeah. I mean, manipulate. I mean, it's like, I think Jar Jar has no morals, no backbone. You could convince Jar Jar of anything. But here's the thing.

You could stand next to Jar Jar and be like, oh, man, I wish Jar Jar would kill himself. And Jar Jar would kill himself. Both movies hinge on this moment where Palpatine gets someone to do something for him. So in the first movie, Padme voted no confidence in Chancellor Valorum. And for some reason, even though there are a million senators in this tube hall that they live in, filled with little flying platforms, no one has the guts to do it, but Padme does it. And then the second movie, same thing. I wish someone would vote for an army of the Republic.

Jar Jar Binks. Okay, so in this system, do you just need one vote to get something passed? You need one vote to propose it, I guess. That's what I'm asking. Right. It seems silly that it's not come up before. And the Jar Jar Binks thing, is it like... Jar Jar's not proposing it. Is it like, oh, they were deadlocked

high. They need one additional vote out of 50 million votes. It's a dead tie right now. 25 million yay, 25 million nay. Here's some backstory on the Galactic Senate. Please. The Galactic Constitution invested it with the power to regulate trade, maintain maps of hyperspace routes,

and had a supreme chancellor. So this is all just about fucking trade and trade routes. Originally, if you have a planet, you just get to be in it. Okay. And then I think it seems like it changes. I don't know. This is, like, so long.

See, this is what's... I'm already... I'm starting to have, like, a panic attack about this. Can you click on Galactic Constitution? Because I think this is just a fucking rabbit hole we're going to keep on going down. It is linked to. This is what I don't understand.

So originally used to be any planet gets represented. That makes sense. The Constitution was written in 25,000 BBY. So we're talking about 25,000 years before this movie. Born before Yoda, yeah. By a member of House Organa, which is Jimmy Smits' house. So that's how long Jimmy Smits' family's been around. 25,000 years.

Okay. It's the same constitution, although it has been modified. And it creates a Senate and a Supreme Court. It's just a ripoff of our system. But is it like the UN? Is it like NATO? No, it's like the American government. And each planet essentially functions

as a state? Yeah, exactly. You nailed it. How meaningless do you feel if you're an entire planet, an entire world? I know. Imagine if there were 50 million states. Yeah. And each state was that large and had the... Okay, so the one planet of Naboo which functions as a state. Little planet.

Right. We see how different the fucking Goongans live from how the humans live. True. Not to mention all the wacky, spooky sea creatures. And you're telling me one person gets a vote to represent all of them. When the Goongans don't even seem to fucking respect. It's only at the end of Phantom Manus that they're like, okay, Padme, we can work together. This is all very fair. It's all very true. So the Galactic

Senate has 2,000 congresspeople, aka senators, representing sectors, systems, individual planets, corporations, and guilds. Imagine being someone who's assigned to speak for an entire system

of planets. Some are elected directly. Some are appointed by a planet's ruler. Some are a planet's ruler. And they are the only ones with voting power. How does a... I don't know. You could join or be a signatory to someone who had joined.

But is it like the UN? Is it like NATO? I mean, it's like... You asked that already. You asked that five seconds ago. I don't seconds ago. Because I don't understand this. It's like our government. But here's the thing. So you're telling me whoever the Chancellor is is allowed to tell every single fucking planet what to do? No, because the Chancellor's

like the President, right? Alright, well, alright. Right, the President of the galaxy? Yeah. Of the universe? Yeah. Maybe. Well, of the galaxy? Yeah. Of the universe? Yeah, maybe. Well, of the republic, of the organization that is helping to, yeah. The Senate is led by a Supreme Chancellor.

So it's kind of like a speaker, you know? Right. So maybe he's almost more kind of like more of a prime minister than a president. Kind of, exactly, yeah. Okay, but? He's elected by the representatives of the Senate. He could serve two four-year terms before having to retire. But their main function is just

to figure out fucking trade routes. Here's an interesting thing. All of the chancellors elected between 1,400 BBY and 1,000 BBY. Again, Attack of the Clones takes place in like 30 BBY. Yeah, that sounds about right. of the Clones takes place in like 30 BBY. Yeah, that sounds about right. All the chancellors elected in that period, in this 400 year period, were Jedi.

Oh shit. But then that was broken by some other guy. This is all 1000 years before the movie, it doesn't matter. They were Jedi. Yeah, so they used to be Jedis. Right, they trained Jedis to be keepers of the peace. Yeah. They would be good at that.

Anyway, apparently the Supreme Chancellor is not an important position until Palpatine takes it over. Before then, it is kind of like a functionary trying to corral all these people. I don't know. Palpatine's the one who kind of turns it into a dictatorship. Yeah. I just feel like I fucking give up. I don't... So, all they're really

dealing with, it seems, in the first movie is where you're allowed to trade, what routes you're allowed to use, Yeah,

it's all over taxation or trade routes. Right. And the threat is we can't get these guys to listen to us. But why should they? The threat is,

yeah, there's no movement. Right. It's like, oh, well, they're doing a blockade. The Senate can deal with it,

but they got to vote. That takes forever. They need a committee hearing. The Senate can deal with it, but they got to vote. That takes forever. They need a committee hearing. The Trade Federation is in there slowing things down. Garfield eating lasagna. It's, you know, George Lucas is so mad about Garfield eating all that lasagna. Yeah. And he goes and writes two movies about it.

Yeah. But then he also includes like space battles. I know we're beating a dead horse here, but George Lucas has so much money and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Why does he care? Why is, but George Lucas has so much money and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Why does he care? Why is this stuff irking him so much? I don't know. I don't know. Well, let's remember the era that this

movie is coming out in 2002. This movie's coming out after 9-11, before the war in Iraq. Different time. And it's coming about at a time when the presidency in America is becoming a little imperial. Now, I don't know when George Lucas wrote these movies. Apparently, he'd been working on them since the 70s. Yeah.

Really? Yeah. I know. It's crazy, right? Crazy, right? Yeah. He had these ideas like early 70s. And you know, George Lucas is a politically involved man.

And he was originally going to make Apocalypse Now in the 70s as this documentary style Vietnam movie where he was going to try to incorporate real footage of the war which he was very against you know and the horrors of it and then it got handed off to Francis Ford Coppola who was like you know what Heart of Darkness let's abandon all this documentary shit

and do like the most blown out cinematic thing ever American Graffiti is very anti-war it's very much about that generation, that lost generation. It's about the sadness of these men shipping off to fight in the 60s. Who go to Vietnam in the 60s.

Yeah, pointless battle. So I think maybe George Lucas is grinding the axe again because what is... Attack of the Clones is about militarism. Yeah. It's about like the sort of the rise of militarism.

Okay, but this is my question, David. What's your question? Are they the UN? Are they NATO? No, my real question is. I was briefly afraid that was actually your question. Yeah. My real question is, in this film, the whole thing, fucking Palpatine's entire bag, I'm

scratching myself. I'm fucking. Furiously. Covered in lesions from sleeping on a floor. All he wants to do is militarize the Galactic Republic. He wants the Galactic Republic to have an army. But it doesn't sound like the Galactic

Republic, up until this point, has really dealt with wars. It sounds like they're fucking dealing with just like the logistics of like how we all communicate with each other, send shit to each other. It's like they're just like a central hub for like just make sure we're all on the same fucking page yeah trade routes so what army do they want to fight against anyone who's not in the galactic yeah the separatists ben has a question yeah but then also weren't the sith wasn't that a thing that happened

previously a war between the jedi thousands of years ago the sith were up to no good that's in here so there must have been war at some point. That's true. Yeah, they didn't have an army at that point, but now that there are only literally two Sith left in the entire galaxy. Now they're getting it together? They need an army. There was an incident called the Old Sith Wars.

The Old? Loading, loading. 4,000 BBY after the post-Manduron period. This has all been written down on the internet. It's crazy. It's literally insane. It's like fan edited. Even if we drop the veil and acknowledge that there's more Star Wars shit in the world,

it's still insane that this exists. Well, like the trading card app. Exactly. That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. But it's still insane. Yeah, yes. Because this shit is insane. It's like the trading card app. Exactly. That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. But it's still insane. Because this shit is insane. It's crazy. It's insane.

I don't... Who has that? Anyway, it's a series of conflicts about some fallen Jedi. I don't know. This doesn't seem very awkward. But it feels to me like, what if PayPal had an army? PayPal was like, our job is to make sure money's transferred from people to people. What if we have an army so we can fight other people? It's like, what other?

Okay, so it used to be. That might be the future. There might be like an Uber army and a PayPal army. It used to be that if you were a planet, you immediately gained entry into the Galactic Republic. Now, it's no longer the case. You got to fucking get a guarantor. You have to write an application essay. Yeah, you need to submit two years of tax return.

Right, whatever it is. Which means that some people are not part of the Galactic Republic not because they left it as described in the opening crawl of Attack of the Clones, but because they never got in. And so the Galactic Republic wants an army to fight the people who aren't part of the Republic that

they have stopped from being part of the Republic? Griffin, again, you're digging into something where I feel like you've already hit bottom. Like, we don't know. There has to be some fucking answer. No, this is one reason these movies are so annoying. They give you, like, a surface explanation just to justify the plot, and then that's it. Well, but think about it this way. If we're going to compare it to our actual history. Yes, sure.

And we mentioned Hitler. Yeah. So there was a point where Hitler started reaching out to countries like Cuba and basically was trying to expand his empire to take over the world. He didn't want to take over the world.

It is crazy. And so Cuba was a country that we didn't get along with for a very long time. And I feel like maybe these other planets and systems that weren't involved, it was like kind of, again, politics is about leverage. It's about having more people. So the separatist movement was basically grabbing the free agents to try and bring them in. You can't have people leaving or challenging you. It's totally true. Senate's got to be one big thing.

Right? That's the idea. It's the same thing as the Civil War. Hey, you can't go. It's like the Civil War. We're a country. You're not allowed to leave. Technically, everyone's part of the same thing, but they're having internal battles. You can do your own stuff, but you're in this country, not that country. And we make some of the rules. And that's democracy. That's

democracy, baby. That's my two cents. Democracy. But some senators That's my two cents. I'm handing Griffin an empty Snapple. I probably get, what, two cents for recycling? What's the rate? I think it's five. It's five? Hey, that's not bad. Ten in Michigan, baby. Really? Yup. That's a good fucking state bro

You get 5 cents but in California I think you get more I'm Michigan like you say I will say I was in California last week and I saw Even more I was in California I'm so Hollywood I was in California not getting a job

But just Conclusively not being hired for a thing I wanted but um I uh uh saw saw uh so many people pushing uh shopping carts of bottles oh yeah yeah I think there was more of it out there uh I went to a dollar tree and I couldn't pull out a fucking shopping cart because some other jamoke had put his shopping cart, his fucking from home shopping cart, filled with his fucking cans and bottles and would block the shopping cart way. That's terrible. Yeah. I don't really care. You were there for VidCon, right?

Yeah, I was there for VidCon. Weird. And then I stayed longer. Hey, hey, so New Gunray, he's kind of like the Koch brothers. Yeah. Think about it, man. Industrialists. Yep, they have the money and the power.

Throwing his money around. Manipulating the government with your money so that it benefits you and your company and your, you know, self. Making money for money's sake. TC14 is a protocol droid. I know we're talking about tactical elements, but we've got to get back to those for a second. Do you think she knows she's working for the bad guys? No.

Like, she's so sweet. She's so polite. No, I don't think she does. She's such a sexy fucking little manx. But, like, C-3PO seems to have a personality, and TC14 seems to be about all business. Do you think she's just programmed to be like, yes, sir. Her programming may be limited.

It may be, yeah. She may not be able to think about the wider world. Because I want to believe she's pure of heart. I mean, she might be programmed to be pure of heart. That's fine. Yeah. As long as she's not like, look, whoever pays me. No, because...

There's no way. I don't think robots care about money. No. Do they? No, they're bought for money. They don't make money. Yeah, the robot stuff is all very weird. Because C-3PO seems

to hate everything that someone asks him to do. Although he was programmed by a little boy who doesn't fucking know robotics. Well, that might be. He does know robotics because he did build a robot. But he definitely is a stubborn little boy. Yeah. Well, he's more of a stubborn little man. Now. When he's a little boy, he's like

sure, I'll be, you know, Quagmaster Qui-Gon, I'll get in your spaceship. And then when he a little boy, he's like, sure, I'll be, you know, Quagmaster Qui-Gon, I'll get in your spaceship. And then when he's growing up, he's like, I don't want to get in your fucking spaceship.

He's so sexy. I don't know, I want to have a girlfriend. Anyway, the politics of this movie is stupid. Okay, let's keep digging

because there has to be. There's no digging. Okay, I'll throw out another. So what about the Jedi's involvement? That's the thing. Because they have, they're this like, I know, we tried to talk about out another. So what about the Jedi's involvement? That's the thing. Because they're this peacekeeping organization.

We said the Jedi's are kind of like Vatican City. That's so weird. Or they're kind of like the UN. I mean, they're like the UN peacekeeping force. It's like they're kind of without a country. But they don't have to like, they don't answer to anybody. Yeah, that's the thing. The UN is representatives for each country.

And yes, the Jedi's come from different planets, but they don't answer to anybody. Yeah, that's the thing. The UN is representatives for each country. And yes, the Jedis come from different planets, but they don't represent that planet. They represent the Jedis. I think it's like the fucking Vatican City. I think it's like the Pope and his fucking cronies. Those fat cats up at Vatican City. Yeah, I mean, think about Catholics and their history with little kids. Uh-huh. You know, similar to stealing up these little Jedi babies.

Ben, what a fucking point. Yeah. You guys are just making waves over here. Yeah, I want to rip this open. I want to be the fucking Alex Gibney of the fucking Galactic Republic. Should I see his Apple movie? I don't know. That guy makes like seven movies a year. He makes a lot of movies. He's got like a team. Gibney of the fucking Galactic Republic. Should I see his Apple movie? I don't know.

He makes like seven movies a year. He makes a lot of movies. He's got like a team. Did I just see something by him? Alex Gibney is like a name for a collective. It's like a protocol droid. Yeah. What movie did I see just going clear? And he did the Sinatra documentary too. Yeah. Can I say something? You can say anything. Going clear.

I don't know. You know what's much better what's much better the book yeah well that i believe book is fucking what dianetics is great dianetics is great by the way this podcast is officially sponsored by scientology our friend morgan evans turned us on to battle of the field earth no you've never seen it no it's really weird i am obsessed with dianetics in a very different way than morgan is in that I don't let myself get close to them. Both of you should not be doing any business with those people. We're both highly insecure people

who are career-driven. They are. And they like celebrities. And are looking for validation. And you work in the film industry. Griffin, could you tell me a little bit, or just tell our listeners a little bit more about your relationship with your father?

Yeah, sure. Can we explore that? My father is L. Ron Hubbard. They make you sign a contract declaring with your father. Yeah, sure. So my father is L. Ron Hubbard. They make you sign a contract declaring him your father. Yeah, I consider him the holy father. No, we want to get more listeners. Let me talk about my dad a little more. What's an interesting thing to say?

He worked in the biz, right? Didn't he work in the biz? Yeah, he teaches now. He works at NYU. He teaches film classes. like fell into it by accident and then hated it for a long time the biz or NYU the biz yeah my dad wanted to be a sports broadcaster sure I'm sort of living his dream right now he says that to you all the time right yeah he says Griffin you're sort of living my dream right now yeah uh he wanted to to a sports broadcaster and he did, there was this thing called sports phone.

It was like prior to the internet. Was it like movie phone? Very different. Was it like the New York Mets? Three. Yeah. The Toronto Blue Jays. Oh no, no, no, no.

It was like, what happened was, if you didn't want to wait the next morning, yeah, that's what it was. If you didn't want to wait until the paper came out the next morning. Sure. And there wasn't internet to look up. You want to wait the next morning. Yeah, that's what it was. If you didn't want to wait until the paper came out the next morning.

Sure. And there wasn't internet to look up. You need to know the scores of the game tonight, especially for gamblers, of which my father was one of the most degenerate. No, he was like, my dad was really into betting on sports. Right. But sports phone was like low level aspiring sports commentators, anchors. And you'd like call, and there'd be a pre-recorded message. They'd update it every hour

with the new scores, and so they'd cycle out the guys, and it would be like, Hi, I'm Pistol Pete Newman. That's what he was. He was Pistol Pete Newman. You're kidding. That's crazy. Hi, I'm Pistol Pete Newman, and here are the scores for April 17th, 1981. And then he would read you the scores.

Then he was building up to trying to be like a TV sports anchor and he got a shot and had like his like Albert Brooks in broadcast news moment where he was like oh I'm terrified of being on camera yeah as I would be I can do radio hey boy can you do radio thank you yeah I was waiting for you

to say something yeah I've been waiting 18 weeks for you to say something David you can do radio you David, you can do radio. You can do, I can do radio, but yeah, TV, the camera, freaks me out. Of course, you love the camera and the camera loves you. I don't, it freaks me out. No, no, the camera loves you. I like, I like having been on camera.

I feel very uncomfortable in front of cameras. Is it on stream? Do you know for like, like maybe like 15 years of my life, I wouldn't let anyone take a picture of me. That's weird. Cameras made me like aggressively uncomfortable. And then I became an actor. Very strange. You're strange.

You're a bundle of contradictions. I like doing like acting like school plays and stuff. But when I was being filmed, I got really uncomfortable. Yeah, for like 15 years, if someone took out a camera, I would duck or like cover my face. Yeah, it sounds so annoying. It was really annoying. I would be so mad at you if you were my kid. Everyone thought it was like an affectation because i couldn't explain it and i was like i

don't i just don't just yeah i would be so mad at you i hate kids who do that i was such a piece of shit yeah uh i have a surprise we're gonna get back to talking about politics in 45 minutes but i have a surprise you have a surprise yeah what wait i actually am unprepared for whatever yeah i was debating whether or not to do this but i I think we've hit a point where we've got to do it. What? We're talking about what a difficult kid I was. Oh, wait. Do you have, like, a picture?

No. You know, I've been going through my parents' shit. Oh, right. This is... I forgot. That's a treasure trove. Yeah, and I found something. Back in Blackface.

Or... No. Can you minstrel show me... I don't think you said that before. I forgot that part. Can you minstrel show me how to't think you said that before i forgot that can you minstrel show me how to get to racism street by griffin newman this is the essay i mean for people who might not know this is the essay you wrote well what year do you know what year this probably would have been 2004 okay so and it's about uh hollywood's history of minstrelry

minstrelry uh yes uh it was me trying to solve the racial ills of the world. You were trying to solve it. What class did you write this for? History. American history. I think it was American history. And what was the assignment? Write about something.

Write about something. Griffin went to a hippie school. Yeah, I just remember that the fact that I chose this topic was very odd and surprising and off-base. They did not expect you to do that? No, because I don't think... You got a good... Yeah.

Griffin, I very much enjoyed reading this paper. I know. You made a fine, impassioned... Struggling here, sorry. Case against the strife of some black entertainment. He writes black entertainment in quotes. In quotes. As if it's a myth.

And your use of Amos and Andy is very effective. I did a lot of research. You do a good job of describing the origins of minstrel shows and what they represented. What you needed to develop more was the time between minstrelry and the time of Amos and Andy.

Uninteresting to me. What did the what did the four white men do? I don't know what that means. I think they were a group. What sort of shows became popular? How did minstrel shows become so acceptable that between that you could end up with Amos and Andy?

And you pass over the jazz singer in Birth of a Nation too quickly, Griffin. Those are seminal moments in film. Both for how they looked, messages they portrayed, and how obviously they sounded. And obviously how they sounded. That's what he's saying. Obviously how they sounded. Right.

You can establish a timeline rope. But he did enjoy the views. You don't get a grade. This is St. Anne's. They don't give you grades. They don't give you grades. Oh, my God. Fuck.

He went to the same school my girlfriend went to. They write, like, an essay. Let me see if I can find the section on Beauty Shop. Beauty Shop's a crazy great movie. I hate it. I know. It's so good. This is the kind of school, though, where they, like, hug you to get a grade or something?

It's like a hippie Brooklyn rich kid private school. They write, like write essays instead. Jesus Christ. It was founded with the purpose of being a nice alternative school for kids who maybe think differently or whatever. But then it's a private school in Brooklyn. I think just a lot of rich people sent their kids there. Okay, so you want to hear some really misguided, disgusting things I said?

I just want to read some excerpts. Jesus Christ. Everyone's going to read some excerpts. Jesus Christ. Everyone's going to stop listening to this show. Everyone's already stopped. How many minutes have we been recording? How many years? 40. Okay. For a show that's not allowed to be replayed on television, the quote unquote racist

characters of Amos and Andy. So I'm calling it a question whether or not they're racist, which is not my place to do. True. Use better grammar that the characters in films like Soul Plane are smarter. This is terrible territory that you're in.

Awful territory. You should really be clear about this. Yeah. Griffin of today. You are telling people how to talk, essentially. Yeah. Smarter

than characters in films like Guess Who who so you just want to be like contrarian about like hey man amos and andy that was well-written entertainment compared to this nonsense yeah i think that was my big point was i thought like as a comedy writer amos and andy had good jokes i'm taking this away no i because i gotta read this one other sentence i know i'm taking myself you are smarter. Just read the one sentence. You are. Smarter than characters in films like Guess Who? and will accomplish more than characters in films like My Baby's Daddy. So I was like looking at

a film like My Baby's Daddy, which if you don't remember was like the urban remake of Three Men and a Baby. Yeah. Or wasn't. It was three men who have children out of wedlock and then have to deal with being single fathers. It was Anthony Anderson, Eddie Griffin, and Michael Imperioli were the three men. And I was passing judgment on what those characters would go on to accomplish in their lives after the film.

Right. Above all, though, Amos and Andy was a well-written humorous show. What the fuck are you talking about? I have no idea. I don't understand. How did I get a good... I'm taking it away from you. This is the most offensive thing ever.

This is the horrible privilege that you are invested with. You could write this nonsense and no one would slap you down. We can ask how we live in a society where children are getting abortions at age 13 and then nominated these songs for Nickelodeon Kid Choice Awards, a show whose winners are chosen by the children of the world, but the nominees are selected by communities. The children of the world? What am I saying? David, by the way, you went to school in England, right? I went to school in England. Yeah, I went to school in North Jersey.

Crazy. No, it was like, my grade was basically just, they would just stamp like you're not gonna go anywhere in life. That was like the grade and the notes I got. My grade was just, it was just a grade, it was a letter grade or a grade out of ten. It was pretty simple. You know My grade was just a grade. It was a letter grade or a grade out of ten. It was pretty simple.

You know. They gave me a grade. They graded my work. Like if you did okay, you wouldn't get punched in the arm. No. You know. Just be like, good job. Eight out of ten. That sounds nice. Whatever. Normal. Here's the exact sentence I was looking for and I'm going to throw this away because I can't fucking.

I need to look at it, but you are not allowed to have it. I'm going to be murdered the second after I read this You wrote pimp and hoe on page 6 Yeah Go ahead I also write unintelligent overly sassy sluttish women on page 4 Got em

Here's the sentence Ready for me to be murdered? Guys just watch the door because someone's going to walk in and stab me Go ahead This is our fan fiction episode where I'm actually just like oh my god be murdered? Please just get this out of the way. Guys, just watch the door because someone's going to walk in and stab me. Go ahead. Fucking Joe Biden is going to strangle me. This is our fan fiction episode where I'm actually just like, oh my god. Yeah. This is the sentence. This is the sentence where I fucking did it. What is it? Say the sentence.

It's so clean. The spin-off Beauty Shop, however, is far more racist than Amos and Andy ever was. Now, let's talk about Beauty Shop for a second, which I think is a tremendous movie. I haven't seen it since then, but clearly it made me very angry at the time. Beauty Shop is a... Once again again not my place to fucking no no you don't know what you're talking about decree no i had no idea what i was talking i thought i was gonna

fucking solve i think you're you're kind of like a richard cohen in the washington post just to bring it to mention like an old white op-ed writer who's sort of like doesn't understand what he's seeing in culture these days and it's like these movies seem to denigrate people they seem to women seem to not have it and like i don't understand this is terrible like not understanding like culture reflects all kinds of things that are going on in society rather than lecturing or you know uh whatever you know like and also you're not allowed to tell people how to talk agreed a hundred percent. If I've learned anything in the last 12 years of my life

it's like, what should you be talking about? Fucking attack the clums. That's a thing you can be an authority on. Anyway, I love Beauty Shop. I saw it in theaters. I reviewed it for my college newspaper and I said I think I said it was fine. I don't know if I gave it a rave. You didn't write an 8-page paper about

how it was worse than it was made? I think I gave it like 3 out of 5 and said like, gave it a rave. You didn't write an eight-page paper about how it was worse than it was made? I think I gave it like three out of five and said, like, it's a good time. It's a little silly. I regret literally everything right now. I regret writing this paper. You regret your father's sperm entering your mother's ova and forming a zygote. Yeah. Ben's giving me a weird look.

I regret everything from- I didn't have sex education at my school, so. What was your school? Did you just go to school in like some alley? Where they like threw bricks at you? So it was- There were lessons written on the bricks. It was like kind of like, you know, there was like a highway and then you'd go down the

embankment. Yeah. And it was like kind of a ditch. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it was like kind of a ditch.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Anyway, Beauty Shop spin-off of Barbershop 2. Which I love the two Barbershop movies. Which it had kind of, Barbershop 2 had this sort of backdoor appearance by Queen Latifah with the idea that she would go make her own movie, right? She's not really a big part of it. No, they established that she's an ex of Ice Cube's character. Yeah, and she does hair.

And then in Beauty Shop, she has moved to, I believe it's Atlanta. And she talks about like, oh, Miss Chicago, but great to be here in Atlanta. And it's mostly about like she gets this old busted Beauty Shop and fixes it up with the help of Alfre Woodard. Academy Award nominee. Yep, as another Beauty Shop employee and and as another uh beauty shop employee and some other stylists uh she's got a daughter i think she has like a kid i think it's a daughter yeah a cute kid uh she used to work for an austrian mean hairdresser man played by kevin bacon who she has abandoned called like george or something i forget what his name like jorge i

don't know it's it's very's very weird. He's just like an evil white European. He has this sort of amorphous accent. And Jaiman Honsu plays... Academy Award nominee. Plays a very handsome African, I think he's Nigerian immigrant who's an electrician

and fixes up the place with her and then they fall in love. It's great. It's great uh it's great everyone was freaking out about andy mcdowell in magic mike xxl yeah her little appearance playing this kind of like older southern lady who sort of does the same thing she does the exact same thing in beauty shop which was nine years previous uh alicia silverstone is also in it as like a sort of a dumb white lady who says things like, for your FYI. Yeah, that's probably what I was offended by, as a dumb white lady myself.

Ben, you... I think it's a fun movie. It's very formless, which I kind of like. It's really just about someone starting a business, and then, like, she successfully starts the business. Ben, you smoke. Do you have a lighter on your person? Yeah. When we're done with this episode,

I'd like to go outside and burn this paper. No, it's great. You can't burn it. I'm... God. Don't do it. Don't do paper. No, it's great. You can't burn it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Look, it's part of your history. As shameful as it is. This was like my minstrel show.

That was like the dark part of my history. The worst level of race relations where I felt like I had the authority to write a paper on minstrel shows. It's crazy that you wrote that. How old were you? 15. It's nuts. It's nuts you it's 15 yeah it's nuts it's nuts it's nuts it's nuts anyway so it's very confusing are they the un are they nato what are they i don't know it doesn't matter it's very vague they're the government so some people are elected senators i think everyone's elected oh no no some elected. Some are appointed by the planet's ruler. Okay.

And some are the planet's ruler. Okay. So let's talk about this. You know, so like you've got Palpatine from Naboo. I think he's elected. Queen Amidala we know is elected. She's also elected. The people of Naboo.

But she does not serve in the Senate. Right. Palpatine serves. Boss Nass lives on Naboo, but he seems to be the ruler of underwater Naboo. He is, but he seems to have no representative of the Senate until Jar Jar Binks. Right, so does that count as two different... I think they hang out on the same platform. They all hang out on these little platforms, and they can kind of drive them.

They're floating, and it can drive them into the empty space and kind of yell. We see that happening. Yeah. Where Padme will drive out and be like, the Trade Federation is attacking our planet. And then the Trade Federation comes out like, this is outrageous. They do say this is outrageous. We see ETs, too.

We see ETs. ETs. And we see these camera droids sort of floating around them. So it's obviously being filmed for someone. Are they senient? Do they have their own representatives? The camera droids sort of floating around them. So it's obviously being filmed for someone. Are they sentient? Do they have their own representatives? The camera droids? Yes.

Do droids have representatives? I don't know. Is Wat Tambor a representative? The guy who's in... I don't know. What's important is the movie doesn't really want you to care. It's a very thin satire on political process. Is Wat Tambbo a robot?

I always thought he was like a cyborg. Cause the top of his head looks fleshy. I don't know. So does that mean who is he serving a two masters? Is he more man than he's not man. He's a fucking lizard bed. I'm just reading your paper. It's so bad.

Give me some props for the title. The title at least is good. I was really good at making jokes. And I liked Amos and Andy because it had good joke writing. I'm going to edit the shit out of this episode. This episode won't be released. Make it two minutes long. Probably will.

Back in my face, can you minstrel show me how to get to racism? I mean, that's a good wordplay. Can you minstrel show me is maybe an overreach. I don't think so. I think I pulled it off. I think I stuck the landing. You did not. The title page, I think I stuck the landing. And then you open it up and I'm immediately think so. I think I pulled it off. I think I stuck the landing. You did not. The title page, I think I stuck the landing. And then you open it up and I'm immediately burning alive. I'm running around in flames.

It's just, the thing is, you kind of start out with this basic history of minstrelry, which is fine. You've done some research and there's nothing wrong with that. And then you start yelling about how rap music is offensive. And it and it's like where did this come from sounds like a grandpa yeah oh my god oh man you are really alienating yourself on this podcast uh-huh this was years ago it does sound like the yeah the first half is like a well-written oral history not oral history we're well-written history of the traditions and the second half just becomes like Donald Trump Jr. Like it's just like little, like spouting off the mouth. Did you like Magic Mike XXL?

I did. I liked the first one more. That's crazy. You liked the first one more. Because I do feel like with Magic Mike XXL there was this brief hysteria. Not hysteria, that's the wrong word. Just super hype. Everyone was going crazy about it. And it's such an interesting movie and then it kind of fizzled.

Yeah. It didn't make a lot of money. It made fine money, but the first movie was like a genuine phenomenon. Yes. And this one wasn't. Yeah. And it was interesting that 94% of the audience was apparently female in Hollywood, which is in the movie theaters, which is crazy. But I feel like no one's talking

about it. It was a really interesting movie that I really liked. I do think that's a fascinating movie can we talk about stars episode two attack if you want i don't know what's there to say about that one i haven't heard of that one i don't know it's so it's such a fucking brain fuck of a movie look the movie's mostly about a romance that's that's the problem yeah but anakin keeps on talking about how he wants a dictatorship he does right he thinks one person should just lead everything in the same way stars in the vein i think you mean it's riddled with fucking yeah yeah you wrote you wrote vein like weather vein but i think you mean like i also i guarantee you i wrote this thing in four hours between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m.

Sure, that's, yeah. The morning before I had to hand it in. I guarantee you. In the same way, stars in the vein of Elvis and James Dean. Like, I would say some very, some people I know who listen to this podcast, we got like Lux from, Lux out, you know, she, and, or Avery Edison. Like, people who I think are very, like, smart, like, sort of progressive-minded people who can write really well and think really well on these kinds of topics. Just hang on to the anti-version.

They'll never want to speak to you again. They'll never speak to me. Especially after I read this aloud. In the same way stars in the vein of Elvis and James Dean made kids want to wear leather jackets in the 50s, the children of this generation grow up eagerly awaiting the day they acquire a Glock. A Glock? What are you? Who the fuck? That's like an Andy Rooney Glock. Which is like a cop gun as well.

It's ridiculous. What the fuck am I talking about? I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even know. I'm such an angry kid. I don't know. I think I had a very... But what are you angry about? That's the question? I was angry about myself.

I think that's the question America's always asking of these people who have guns and do terrible things and these people who are on the internet bleeding about racism against white people or misogyny against men. I don't know. These people who are very... What are you so mad about?

What's happening to you? And sometimes maybe some terrible things are happening. I have no idea. Like, you know. To me, no. No, you're fine. I'm fine. I just have the hormones and whatever.

I'm sad. I don't know. You're a grown man. I don't know if you can blame hormones. No, at the time, I'm saying. Oh, yeah. At the time of this. At the time of this, for sure.

Yeah. I mean, this is the thing I've always talked about. Like, everything that okay no that's enough that's enough I put I'm we gotta stop I don't know I'll that's not all right so listen this was a life ago I don't stand by I don't know I know all right so listen I I'm gonna pose this question to you, gentlemen. Donald Trump is leading in the Republican Party as a candidate. What if we leak this essay and say that he wrote it?

We could maybe do that. Yeah. This essay might be too well written for Donald Trump. It probably is. Yeah. Anyway, go on. But the question I'll pose to you is Donald Trump. Anyway, go on.

But the question I'll pose to you is Donald Trump, I mean, the idea that he could be president, like that he would even be considered a legitimate candidate blows my fucking mind. It's crazy. But to bring it to the movie, you have that dual character of Palpatine. Yep. And also. That's serious. I think that Trump maybe is a dark figure. Yeah.

That maybe potentially under the wig, when he pulls his face skin off, he's a reptilian. He's part of the reptilian elite. He's into the reptilian thing. Yeah, that's what I think is going on. Like fucking Sam Wessel. That's true. She is a changeling. Maybe he doesn't have to rip it off. Maybe his face just

changes. He's a shapeshifter. He's more dangerous than I ever thought. I'm not sure what's going on. I don't know. I was just trying to throw something out there. That's quite alright. I love black people. No, Griffin! God damn it! I like them more than white people.

If I wrote this paper today, it'd be about how white people need to fucking shape up and ship out. That's what I'd be saying. I like them more than white people. I think white people say. If I wrote this paper today it'd be about how white people need to fucking shape up and ship out. That's what I'd be saying. I don't know. Nothing in humanity makes sense anymore. Oh boy. Griffin I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. Alright. Well you know what?

Let's wrap this up. No. Wait where are we at? We're. I don't know. I'm going to be editing this. David's checking his phone. I'm just. No. I'm trying to find something specific. Everything's the worst. Taylor Swift posted on Instagram and it got 1 million likes. What was it? I don't know. It's a picture of her in a fucking thingy.

Did you post on Instagram of the title page? I'm going to. Do you want me to? Yeah, I just don't want people to read the inside. They have to listen to the podcast to hear us read it. Yeah, actually, I might tweet it. It's less of an Instagram, more of a tweet. we going insane david yeah of course no i actually i consider this therapy yeah this i really enjoy this like every week uh we usually chat for a while before we even start recording and it's a very nice gotta say too the cornerstone of scientology

is that you sit in a room and you audit all your past guilt and your experiences of shame and so you relieve them from your body so it's no longer weighing you down. I don't want to talk about Scientology. Well I'm saying maybe this episode was my auditing. I had to read this paper on air. It's very embarrassing. Because I've been living with this shame that I wrote this.

Griffin's a better person than that paper makes him sound like that. It's very important to state that. And he is aware that that paper is an example of the most worst, most horrible kind of like entitlement. Yep. Yeah. And I don't tell anyone how to behave these days. Good.

But I was an angry kid. I was 15 years old. I probably just saw Beauty Shop the day before and was angry about it for some reason. Yeah. And also want to restate, probably wrote the whole thing in four hours. On no sleep. I want to end this.

By this, I mean my life. Now wait a second. Don't talk like that. This was a great productive episode. I audited a lot of my thetans out of my system. Sorry. Now thetans are, it's the people in the planes that Xenu blow up, right? They're the creatures. They're like negative emotions.

That went into the volcano and became negative emotions. And then they latched onto us. And what do they look like? I don't know. I imagine them like Blinky, like little Pac-Man ghosts. I was going to say, I think they look like space invaders, like the little sprites. And so they're just around us? They go into our body and they hold it down.

Yeah, you have to clear the fiends. You have to release them from your body. They feed on doubt and shame and things like that. Past memories and traumas. It's what I don't like about modern religions. I mean, whether Scientology is even a religion i understand to sort of you know but like it's what i don't like is they're too self-helpy it's too self-centered what i like about old religions is it's like look you want to know how to live here are the rules that's it yeah follow the rules yeah don't

kill people but i feel like i showed you the rules yeah these basic rules apply to everybody that's the rules I don't care who you are yeah don't steal shit yeah don't write racist papers and I'm not saying

I'm a religious person because I'm not because they're not great things neither of us are in conclusion is Star Wars Episode 2

Attack of the Clones a good sequel to Phantom Menace no obviously not I mean I don't know is it a worse movie than Phantom Menace I No, obviously not. I mean, I don't know. Is it a worse movie than Phantom Menace? I don't even know. No, is it?

I think it is. I don't, I think it's simultaneously better and worse. I think it's simultaneously worse than worse. Okay, Ben, final thoughts? No, go ahead. Final thoughts? Yeah.

Uh, yeah, we're still talking about this movie yeah uh no don't worry we're gonna get connor next week maybe i don't know we should do dvd extras next week yeah it'd be nice to bring connor yeah i'd like to bring connor back yeah uh but griffin you don't worry you're in good hands i'm gonna cut this episode to make it sound like you're not a complete monster. No, it's not. It's less about the fact that this is going to be listened to by people, which at this point, no one's listening this far into the episode, and more just about the fact...

This is... Okay, fucking tie it all back in together. This whole moving thing has just been me having to relive every element of my entire life. Yeah. You know? It's tough. Like the good and the bad. Good and the bad bad and you see a lot of fucking years of confusion you see like like misplaced emotions um i see a lot of grammatical

errors that really that's honestly the stuff that embarrasses me the most i mean like as as wrong-headed and ugly as this paper is it's also just poorly written i mean these are poorly structured sentences riddled with typos and far too many commas run on sentences. Like the sentence I'm speaking right now. Shiver. What the fuck am I talking about? I'm done. Tomorrow, the movie's done and I'm putting all this shit in a box I'm never

looking at ever again. Until like five years from now when I'm probably going to open up the box and cry. I think that's a good plan. Yeah. How's your dad doing, David? He died when I was 20 years old. That sucks. This is not a bad answer. Yeah, it's okay.

I mean, not you did a bad job answering. Ugh, I blew it. You did. It's just not the answer I want to hear. Yeah, I'm sorry. Is he a good man? Yeah, absolutely. What's his name?

John. You don't know this about me? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we dedicate the episode to him? Of course. I dedicate everything I do to him. Yeah.

Every single thing. Johnny Sims. Well, no one really called him Johnny. He was a John. Oh, I call him Johnny. I have a very specific relationship with ghost ads. Yeah. Yeah.

You have to be colloquial with a ghost ad. No, no. And this came up in trivia. He's not actually dead in Ghost Ad, right? He's in a coma. That's the thing. He's actually in a coma. Yeah.

Because there was a trivia where we had to identify whether or not the ghost was a ghost i can't believe it's we're recording yeah yes and ghost dad was there and we were like it's ghost dad he's a ghost it's in the title you know there was bill cosby with this little he's like you know tipping his hat or something and uh and then we were reminded yeah no he's not dead in the movie he's just in a coma the the which makes sense because otherwise ghost dad would be a very sad i believe it was a picture and then we were reminded, yeah, no, he's not dead in the movie. He's just in a coma. Which makes sense because otherwise Ghost Head would be a very sad movie. I believe it was a picture round in which the question was dead or not. Right, right, right, right, right, right. And it turned out that only one of them was actually dead or something.

It was a ghost or not. I think it was, I think you're right. I think it was dead or not. It might have been ghost or not. It might have been ghost or not it might have been ghost or not which was the more confusing that was the because that round

was a disaster it was a disaster but it was like this whole question and they were like he's not actually a ghost even though it's called ghost dad because he's not dead

he's in a coma yeah much like just like heaven yes which was the same thing yeah same thing okay

with Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo yeah directed by Mark Waters it was the movie he made after Mean Girls yeah I believe thank you for listening to Attack of the Podcast I promise next week we're gonna actually produce content oh we're no we are we're getting fucking back on the horse let's not make promises we can't I'm promising okay David any final thoughts I was just looking there's a little

microphone guard over there losing my Ben goodbye fennel the politics of sack of the clones are thinly drawn agreed that is my final thought on this sense of any of this you to be fair you did text me

we texted today and we were like what are we gonna do today and you're like politics and I was like yeah you know it's 20 minutes in that yeah i had another plan tied to a guest yeah we had another plan and it fell apart that's true yeah uh much like life is what happens when plans fall apart right ben yeah and as always fuck 15 year old girl life is what happens when plans fall apart