Blank Check with Griffin & David - Romance with Rachel Lang - Attack Of The Podcast

Episode Date: July 13, 2015

Joining Griffin and David this week is friend of the show, Rachel Lang, to discuss the steamy romance that develops between Anakin and Padmé. Playing a major part in a film thats about a war happening in space, the scenes of going out to eat at a restaurant, innocently rolling around in fields, and a secret wedding are this episode’s focus. Together, they look at why the Jedi can’t have sex, writing fan fiction, Anakin’s feelings towards sand, and Rachel recounts meeting composer John Williams after a concert while he was very sweaty.

🎵 I hate sand! God. It's coarse and it gets in between my fingers! Hello, everyone. Welcome to Attack of the Podcast. I'm Griffin. I'm David. Sims.

This is our podcast where we investigate the second Phantom Menace movie, the sequel to the Phantom Menace. Yeah. Star Wars Episode II. It's a Star Wars movie. You insist on calling it a Phantom Menace movie, the sequel to the Phantom Menace. Yeah. Star Wars Episode II. It's a Star Wars movie. You insist on calling it a Phantom Menace movie. It's George Lucas' unfinished Star Wars saga. I mean, I just... It's just you're so attached to the Phantom Menace.

Yeah. That was the original invest. I was trying to think of an example, but I guess most of them don't work. I was going to say, well, you call Dark Knight a Batman movie. It's a Nolan Batman movie. Yeah, and they call that the Dark Knight trilogy, which is so annoying.

Right. I hate, well, this is a whole other podcast, but I deeply hate the fact that the third one's called The Dark Knight Rises. So stupid. Because that's like, it's like sequelizing the sequel title. Right. Like, it's like sequelizing the sequel title. Right. It would be like if you made a sequel to The Phantom Menace called, like, The Phantom Menace Returns or The Phantom Menace Strikes or something like that. It'd be like if George ever got off his butt and made a third Star Wars movie and it was called Attack of the Clones Again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Return of the Attacking Clones. Yeah. Attack of the Clones Strike Back. All right, let's stop. Okay, we have a guest this week. What?

Yeah, Rachel Dolezal. Oh, boy. We previewed it last week. We did. We talked about it a lot. Half right. Her name is Rachel. That's true.

Rachel Lang. Hi, Rachel. Hello. I'm Rachel. A good friend. Our former trivia teammate. Yep. What teams were we on today?

We were on Vin Diesel Pig in the City. Yeah, I think. Briefly. I'm not sure? We were on Vin Diesel Pig in the City. Yeah. Briefly. I'm not sure if Rachel was on that one. I think that's when we all started to drift apart.

I really fought for that name so hard and then it came and I was gone. There were like multiple ballots where Vin Diesel Pig in the City was like the runner up. Right.

Two seasons in a row it was the runner up. There was Too Fast Too Mama Tambien. Probably our best name ever. Pretty good one. William H. Macy's

Thanksgiving Day Parade. That one was incredible. Yeah. That one was like a total out of nowhere smash hit. It was a Cinderella story. You scribbled it down and started laughing. And I was like, wait, I don't even get it. And then I was like, oh, Macy's the store.

And then I was like, oh, that's actually really good. Because imagine if the parade was just William H. Macy. And imagine him at the front just with a little baton. The Grand Marshal. Beaming. Beaming. And then I just couldn't. Macy. And imagine him at the front just with a little baton beaming. Beaming. And then I just couldn't let it go. And maybe I'd seen a picture of William H. Macy that day

and so I was just thinking about him with his mustache. We were reading that Onion article that's one of my favorite pieces of comedy writing ever, which is like 10 different names for William H. Macy in different cultures. It's written as if William H. Macy

is Santa Claus and each culture has a different lore for William H. Macy in different cultures. It's written as if William H. Macy is Santa Claus and each culture has a different lore for William H. Macy. It's one of my favorite pieces of comedy writing in history. Rachel. Hi Rachel. Hello. You're only the second guest we've had on this show. That's true. It's an honor and I would never have invited myself and I'm

so glad that you guys thought to invite me and I did not demand to be put on this podcast. You didn't demand. You didn't demand. But you wrote us a plaintive and moving email. It was a real plea. A cry of passion and attention.

And memory. Yeah. For how you felt about this film. And this romance. This sand what's the word? What does it get between your fingers? It's coarse. Yeah, this sand, what's the word? What does it get between your fingers? Yeah, this coarse romance. Yeah.

This sandy romance. But this is the important part. We're, after weeks of putting it off, this is the romance episode. We're getting into the romance, which is perhaps the quote unquote emotional core of the film. I guess so.

Is it? Well, it's supposed to be. It's like, it's this like huge thing that had not even been, there's no, well I guess there's a little bit laid out in the first movie,

but the second movie, Are you an angel? Right. The second movie, it's like this, it's like this is the central conflict of the movie. Right.

Anakin's inner war between like being a Jedi and being in love. Yeah. Now we have danced around this subject because we didn't want to of the movie. Right. Anakin's inner war between being a Jedi and being in love. Yeah. Now, we have danced around the subject because we didn't want to blow the load. We knew we were going to talk about this at an episode length.

This plot line's not very effective for either of us. No. And was not when we saw the film. No. You, Rachel. We were gross teenage boys. We were gross teenage boys. We were like, yeah.

I was 13 years old when I saw this movie four times in theaters 2002 and I thought it was the most beautiful love story I had ever seen ever and I think I still thought that until about the year 2007

was there a rewatch at that point or did you just I had seen it a lot since then. And me and Rachel, before the part, we're talking about John Williams' love theme and how much you cared about that. I think that really contributed to my misconception of... It's not a misconception.

It's just it was your conception. My incorrect opinion of how beautiful this love story is. There's a whole featurette on the special features about love. I don't know if you guys watched it. I'm pretty sure I watched it at some point. Maybe not recently. I watched it at 8 a.m. this morning. Yeah.

It was great. So Across the Stars is the main track. Yes. Across the Stars, parentheses, love theme. Uh-huh. You had sort of an intense fandom specifically for that track. Yes. I went to see John Williams conduct the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra.

When you were about, how old were you? I think probably 14. I think he came by the next year. Right. It was a year, your love for, their love was still lingering. Absolutely. I'm sure I watched the film before I went to see the music played live. Just to get a taste of the recorded track.

If I could compare it with the live orchestrations. And they did not disappoint. I cried. I absolutely sobbed and cried. You wept in public. I wept. I'll add that I saw this. I mean, I was in a full audience, but no one in my family would come with me

so I was there alone sure wow at age 14 well I guess yeah that's old enough I was very cultured it is

what was I gonna say I wanted to ask so if this was the transcendent romance for you in 2002 like what was it topping like did you feel that way about Titanic

or like Ever After I'm trying to think about like the romantic the big romantic movies of our youth was this the first one where you felt that strongly about a love in film in cinema or was this replaced

I would absolutely say that it was this was the first one you never felt this strongly I loved Titanic and it's one of the I think it's the second VHS I ever bought the first is Miss Congeniality. Sure. Okay.

Yeah. And, you know, I loved it. Thought it was great. Was barely allowed to watch it because there were boobies in it. And there's one thing that my parents don't like, boobies. Yeah. So. Attack of the Clones could have done with some more boobies.

I think so. Yeah. It does have that midriff bearing section for the fat man. So artfully cut off. And I was going to say, in the arena at Genosis, the pillars look a lot like vaginas. Well, even the actually, I was noticing this too, the whole platform that they're on is covered

in vaginal imagery. Thank you. Okay, Ben was shaking his head. You have noticed this. Yeah, they're vaginas. They're vaginas. I asked my girlfriend, they are vaginas. We are big vagina experts. We know what they look like. Those are vaginas. They're vaginas. I asked my girlfriend. They are vaginas. We are big vagina experts. We know what they look like. Those are vaginas. That's two women watching the movie together, both of whom have vaginas, confirming that

I am not a dirty minded boy, that I am on the money, Ben. I say as I point at his face, Ben. You haven't introduced Ben, by the way. Ladies and gentlemen, producer Ben, a.k.a. Purdueer Ben, a.k.a. the Ben-ducer, a.k.a. the poet laureate, a.k.a. the Haas, a.k.a.

Mr. Positive himself. Hello, Fennel. Hello, Fennel. Hello, Fennel. Yeah, I guess I missed the vagina imagery. I also did, but I just need to remind myself what it looks like. I can't remember what you guys had talked about. What a vagina looks like? You forgot what a vagina looks like?

Yeah, one of those things again. They're like, they look like, it's like a part of a human body that looks like the pillars in the arena of genosis. Yeah, okay. But made of flesh and not stone. Yeah, it's not ringing any bells, but anyway. Well, I'll Wikipedia

later. You know, we'll Google it, you and I, David, later when we're done. In this small booth that we're in right now. There's no windows. You and I. Close the door. Okay. There's a detailed-

Young romance. Well, yeah, but you in the email, you wrote kind of an essay. Wait, I might want to find it, actually. Wait, you guys- I was overcome with passion. Yeah, no, because we have to address several points in this. It was like you wrote, like, I'm enjoying the show a lot. You've gotten to attack the clones.

I have a very strong connection to this movie. I want to explain to you my bonafides. And then went, like, I understand if you don't want to guess, but just putting out there, I'm ready to talk about it. And we immediately went, like, we can't deny this. We've got to have Rachel on the show. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's some detailed points that we skimmed over here. So you went to the concert by yourself. Yes. I did.

And I remember that I, you know, was crying. And then I... Like a lot. A lot. Like tears. Like many tears. Like my shirt got a little wet, you know? Yep. Right. And I was like oh God. I don't remember what I was wearing but I know that it was like something that a sad suburban girl who was pretty fat near Pittsburgh would wear because they thought it was a nice dress-up outfit to wear to a concert. And then I made my dad a pretty cheap guy, and I begged and I begged and I begged to

get the extra $50 thing where you got to meet and greet John Williams. Whoa. And he did. Wow. He did it. Wow. But he didn't come with you. No, no, no, no. He just ponied up like $50 thing where you got to meet and greet John Williams. Whoa. And he did. Wow. But he didn't come with you. No, no, no, no. He just ponied up the $50. That would have been another like $70.

That's crazy. So I went and I stood just like shaking in line as like mothers introduced their like trumpet playing sons to John Williams. And it was amazing. But I felt I was like, oh, my God, I don't play an instrument. I don't belong here. This is awful. And then I finally got next in line and I got a big sweaty hug from John Williams.

Conducting is hard work. Yeah, post-conducting. So he had worked up this. Yeah, post-conducting. Oh yeah, that's a real, there's a lot of vigor. He was drenched in sweat. And I don't remember what I said, but he signed my copy of the CD. Of the Attack of the Clones.

I had the one that had Yoda with the little lightning force ball that he's collected. And I still have that. That's signed by J.W. Yes. I love John Williams, by the way. I love him on any DVD for a movie that he composed. He talks very, very passionately about what he's doing.

Even if, we were talking about, sometimes he rips himself off. A little bit. I was watching these featurettes this morning. Very invested. And he has

the most intelligent things. It's like he's the only one who really understands what storytelling maybe is. Yeah. His movie is like the primary form of, I mean his music

is the primary form of storytelling in so many movies. Oh, yeah. It is like that. The music is what is guiding you through more than anything else. In this movie, I would say the audience would not know how to feel about things at all. Definitely. Where the music not there. I just want to read a couple things from Rachel's emails.

Yeah, sure. One is that you saw it four times in theaters and wrote fan fiction for a school assignment in Miss Garlington's 8th grade language arts class. We gotta get back to that. And then she went on leave in the middle of the year with no notice. Sorry, we can bleep out her name if you want to. No, keep it. I don't know where she is or if she still

exists. Did she give you a good grade for this? Yeah. Or was it like you handed in the work and then she vanished? That would have been even better. I mean, I'm not going to say that I'm not responsible for her leaving, but I wouldn't say it was because my work was bad. I definitely got

no lower than a B. And I only know that for sure because my first C was in geometry class that same year. And that was devastating. That was heartbreaking. Now, I have to ask because David, historically, for some reason, hates fan fiction. I'm a huge fan.

I love supporting the arts. Did you listen to our fan fiction episode? I did listen to your fan fiction episode while I was cooking dinner. Boy, did it get hot in there. What was the nature of your fan fiction? Can you give us a brief summary? Oh, yeah, that's right. Of course.

Sadly, it was not erotic at all. It was a battle. You know, there's a battle. There's a line you may remember in Attack of the Clones where Obi-Wan says something like, why do I get the feeling you're going to be the death of me? Yeah. It's a great line. And I thought, oh, this sounds like it's, you know, foreshadowing.

Sure. Something. It feels very weighted. Yeah., you know, foreshadowing. Sure. Something. It feels very weighted. Yeah. Thuddingly obvious foreshadowing, perhaps. Yes. Even at 13. Yeah.

You're like, ah. I was like, this, yeah, this pounding in my head is, yeah, I think it's sinking in. So I wrote a battle between Obi-Wan and Anakin. Wow. It took place, I know, on on grassy hillsides, but there were also some rocks, and I remember So it's kind of like the places where Anakin and Padme roll around. Yes, exactly.

They do roll around. I think it might have been on Naboo. It's totally possible. I remember that there was a lot of crunching of bones in that story. So, yeah, it was getting pretty dark. Considering that mostly they'd probably just be chopping each other up with, like, laser swords. Yeah, I think that maybe, like, I didn't understand what a lightsaber does to a body.

Were they using lightsabers? They were, but maybe the crunching was, like, a hurtling of rocks. Oh, yeah, sure. You know, they could blast each other around with force shoves. Maybe I was inspired by the Yoda and Dooku force shoves. Definitely. They could also just punch each other in the bones. That was an option. I mean, just because

they have lightsabers and force powers doesn't mean they won't. That's the thing. They fight in a very limited way considering they're like, you know, wizards. Why don't they just like crunch each other up with their hands? With their force hands. Even during, I feel like during the battle on Geonosis, it takes so long for any force to really

get used in an impressive way you're like why what is even the point of this training it's somewhat unimaginative yeah yeah one other thing from your email um when you went to the concert and wept openly you made a lot of awkward eye contact with an older woman sitting next to you who you later ran into at either marshalls or tj maxx have you yet later unpacked which one it was? I am leaning toward TJ Maxx. Interesting. And you decided to engage this person in conversation. She was nice and politely pretended

to remember me. Yes, I said, oh, you were at the John Williams concert. We looked at each other a lot. And she just sort of was like, uh-huh. He's great. That John Williams. That was it.

I went on buying oversized polo shirts. Yeah, man. 2002. Yeah. Great time for me. Basically. For us all. This is the thing.

I was older. I'm older than you guys. I was 16 when I saw this film. Right. We were 13? Yeah. Yeah, I was 13 when I saw it. So I was more of a grown up a little bit

but I hated the romance too yeah 16 year old grown up you and Anakin two super fucking mature 16 year olds who are in a pain in the ass but I think me and you were probably simpatico on how we felt about this romance Griffin it did not work for me

emotionally at the time I did not dislike it at the time I will say I just it at the time, I will say. I just felt neutral. I went, oh, that's how the story's progressing. It just felt like, oh yeah, this is sort of unnecessary. There needs to be some kind of conflict. Yeah. They're laying ground for whatever, later problems.

Whatever movies he wanted to make that he never got to. But let's talk about this romance. It didn't work for us. Rachel, it worked for you at the time and now you're implying it does not work for you anymore. It does not hold. Well, I'm 26 years old now.

Congratulations. Thank you. Very good job. Thank you so much. 26 and a half. Oh my, time flies. And I feel that even since high school, I've realized that movies that I thought were amazing are actually pretty bad. You work in a film.

I work in film. You watch a lot of movies. I watch a lot. I mean, basically, I'm like an adult and not a 13-year-old. And I like sort of have a basic understanding of storytelling and emotions. I see. In retrospect you're like, ah. Yes. There's some structural, there's some ground work

here. There are a few issues, yeah. You're a builder checking the foundation and you're like, you shouldn't buy this house. Yeah, I've reinvestigated and realized that it's pretty awful. By the time I was like, oh my god, this is amazing. It ends on this beautiful secret wedding.

That's true. I thought that was great. I like the secret wedding. I think the secret wedding is actually kind of cool. It's like, one, they're not talking to each other, which really improves everything because the talking is really where

things fall apart. George has fucking said that he views these as silent movies. And I say in response, put your fucking money where your mouth is. It's totally true. Shut your mouth. That shot of her like holding his like metal hand. Yeah. Yeah.

And then like the sun is setting and like it's all, you know, that's good. It's beautiful. Yeah. You feel like they're at like George Clooney's like house. They probably were. beautiful. Yeah. You feel like they're at George Clooney's lake house. They probably were. Right, yeah. Lake Como. George Clooney's pot-bellied pig was probably still alive at that point, though.

His pot-bellied pig, Max, who I like to think about a lot. I often think about the fact that George Clooney used to live with a pot-bellied pig called Max. He and Kelly Preston adopted together, and then Kelly Preston left him, right? Wait, Kelly, isn't she married to John Travolta? Did she date George Clooney for a while? and then Kelly Preston left him, right? Wait, Kelly, isn't she married to John Travolta? Did she date George Clooney for a while?

She also dated Charlie Sheen, and they broke up because Charlie Sheen shot her with a bullet. That's 100% true. Did he fire that bullet from a gun? Yeah. Cool, thanks, Charlie. He put a bullet in a gun and shot it at his girlfriend. Yeah, Charlie Sheen, he's great. Yeah.

Kelly Preston, good run of boyfriends. Yeah, seriously. Now she's with travolta no problems there loves women all right all right okay you might conceivably work with kelly preston never the list of people who will never hire me is growing episode by episode um all right we have to talk about this romance well oh this is a theory i want to throw out just quickly. Okay, all right. Listen.

Ben's just laughing because I keep being like, all right, so let's actually talk about this. What would happen if we turned Attack of the Clones into a silent movie? If we, you know, fucking converted to grayscale? Why does it have to be black and white? Can't be colors? Oh, just the old timey.

There's like a ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding. No, but you cut all the dialogue out and used limited title cards in which you rewrote the dialogue to make it less wooden. Do you think the movie would kind of work? Probably, because Hayden Christensen is such a horrific over-actor that that would probably work if he wasn't talking. All his facial contortions. Right. He's doing too much with the face.

I absolutely agree. It would be weird to see a silent movie, though, where the production values were so splendid. And there were these massive computer-generated fights. In black and white. Whereas in silent movies, you sort of think of people swinging each other. And then it cuts to black and one of them's falling on the floor or whatever. I Black and White. Whereas like in silent movies you sort of think of like you know sort of people like swinging each other and then like it cuts to black and

one of them's falling on the floor or whatever. I don't know. You speed it up a little so it's over cranked. Yeah exactly.

The Black and White would actually work really well for the whole the factory the conveyor belt thing you know. I mean the factory that is basically a

silent movie and it's like yeah it's like out of a Harold Lloyd movie I think you said on an earlier episode the whole R2 and C3PO.

Oh yeah. The head swaps. Jones and C3PO. Oh, yeah. The head swaps. Jones and around. Yep. Jones and around. Jones and around. Okay, so. We're going to do a whole episode on the head swap, right?

Yeah, one episode on the head swap. I love it. Anakin and Padme. Okay, so we talked about the beginning of this a lot already last week and the week before. Don't stop fucking talking about it. I just want, just quickly, there's that talked about the beginning of this a lot already last week and the week before. Don't stop fucking talking about it. I just want, just quickly, there's that scene at the beginning where Anakin is basically just saying to Obi-Wan, Right, the elevator scene.

Man, I fell in love with Padme. She don't know who I am. Right? We got that. Your Hayden Christensen sounds a little Lou Ferrigno-y right now. What if Lou Ferrigno played Anakin Skywalker? A little puppet. Puppet the love of my life. And then there's that thing really early on

where she turns off the camera in her bedroom because she doesn't want him to look at her. In the bedroom. I wouldn't want that either. No. I think she made the right choice.

She totally did. Do you guys think there's any symbolism in the fact that the two- The worms? The worms. These girthy, slimy worms. I'm glad you're getting to this.

Oh, God. Female perspective. This is what we needed on this podcast. Crawling up her body. Crawling up her body. All up in her bed. Trying to kill her. He removes them without touching her.

There's this whole thing. He can't touch her for a long time. Yeah. When do they get... Jesus, I just rewatched this movie, and I don't even remember when it switches from her being like, you're a gross, weird teenager. Stop bothering me.

To like, oh, we're actually in love with each other. Well, I think it sort of starts when she's packing her own luggage. This is a person who has body doubles. Where's Rose Byrne? Who will sacrifice their lives for her, but she's packing her own luggage that looks is a person who has body doubles who will sacrifice their lives for her, but she's packing her own luggage that looks like she bought it at JFK.

She bought it at the terminal. She showed up to the airport with a bunch of garbage bags. Full of her headdresses. I'll buy a suitcase later. So she's packing up her suitcase and he's floating that little ball and is like, whatever, complaining

about something and I don't remember what he says. That's what he's always doing. I don't remember what he says but she turns and she looks at him and she goes, Annie, you've grown up. And he stares at her and then we get another beautiful wipe to whatever happens next

in this movie. And we've talked about it before. The movie does this really smart thing where it ping pongs between like Obi-Wan solving the mystery and Anakin and Padme hanging out.

Just hanging out. You never say one for more than like four minutes. Yeah, it's just like doink, doink, doink, doink. Yeah. Because it's like

the movie knows like okay, this Padme stuff really sucks. But don't worry, Obi-Wan's like like, you know, fighting Jango Fett, and he's got a spaceship chase, and, like, there's going to be stuff to kind of move it along. Yeah. I have started re-watching only the sections of the film that pertain to our subject for the week. Right, yeah, sure.

Not out of laziness, because if I watch the whole movie, details pop out of my brain. Yeah, you lose it immediately. This movie is much harder to hold onto than Phantom is. I think. It's got no stickiness. It really doesn't. So there's that scene. Then they go. He accompanies her to the meeting

with the queen. Right. Well, at first they dress as refugees. Yeah, right. They get on the transport. He is dressed like a refugee. He has like dirt on his stuff. And she's still wearing a headdress that she's just covered with a fancy lace thing. Yeah, she can't chill out with the clothes. She never can.

Which I admire. Sure. I know. Padme's got her. Yeah, that's her vice. But if you're in hiding. Anyway. She's not that into being in hiding, though, because she keeps like defying the like, why don't we just not go anywhere?

She's like, no no we'll go to this like retreat in Naboo no one will find us and then let's go to Tatooine no one will find us I also think every time she says the word senator she says it super loudly

she's like I'm a senator Rachel just quickly before we move on yes Padme Dola's all yes Padme Dola's all thank you 700%

I take it back I rewatch the scene after we talked about it, and it's like, oh my God. Her hair is teased. Her hair is complete, but also she is brown. Yeah. She's very tan. Right? And I think you might be right that it was just the Sydney sun.

Might have been the Sydney sun and bad makeup job over the sun. Because Anakin looks, I was watching some special features too, and his make, like some featurettes and stuff, and his makeup is really dark and weird. Weird. And inappropriate for a white person to have on there. And it was digital video, and they might not have known how to light. Yeah, it might have just been that. They were like, yeah, how much makeup do we need to put on these guys?

Because this is digital video. It's going to be way more like we're going to see everything a little more clearly. I think it was a perfect storm of all factors. Okay, so they're hiding out common peasants. And she asks a tough question. She's like, it must be hard giving up whatever. You're not allowed to love or

swearing your love to the Jedi. Which is news to us, basically. You might have inferred it before then, but this is us. I inferred it, but I'm a genius. That's what it is. To the common viewer, this is new. This is the first time we, the audience, are directly being told. It's like she's saying, like, so. Can't.

Yeah. Which is such a, like, shitty thing to say. It is. It's like walking up to a paraplegic and going, like, oh, I suck not being able to walk places. Or even just going up to, say, like, a priest or someone and being like, what's it like not having sex? What's that like? Oh I never

think about it. Yeah I don't know. Yeah. You mean the thing that like my job is defined by basically? Yeah. Yeah. So that's like the first thing she says to him on their trip together which is nice. Yeah. It's a nice way to ease it. Maybe she's trying to yeah deflate the tension. Sure. She's just reminding him like

you're not allowed to be in love. You creep. I think she's dealing with these new feelings. He is a taller, more grown up person than the last time she saw him. Do you think he's a handsome man? 13? He has sort of a teen idol kind of quality to him.

That's a great question. Did you find them dreamy or did you find the bond they had dreamy? And their forbidden romance. I would say all of the above. I found him dreamy, although the more I watched I remember being really grossed out because I thought his fingers were too long.

I thought they were creepy and spider fingers. So you prefer the robot hand. Reply to us, hashtag spider fingers. If you agree with Rachel, spider fingers. Hashtag spider fingers. Yeah, with Rachel Yeah I thought they were disgusting So I was really happy When he lost that one hand It was a great improvement

Five down five to go Natalie looks great though She looks great Especially once she's out of that first Dolezal costume She does settle She's doing a reverse Dolezal. She's slowly turning back into a white wife. I feel like they give her sort of

softer, more inviting costumes as the movie goes on. Apart from the whole nightgown thing. That's like a... But, you know. And then, yeah. And then in the gladiator arena, she's got this.

Yeah. I mean, it's almost like she's in her workout clothes. Sure. Yeah, she just randomly chooses to put on a sleek, flexible jumpsuit right before they stumble into a giant action set.

She does put on a shawl above that. I was noticing she puts on a woolly shawl on this desert planet. It's ruled by insects. It's probably not shawl appropriate weather. Keep the look together. It's a look. It's probably not shawl appropriate weather. Yeah, but it's part of the outfit. Gotta get that shawl game on.

Keep the look together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a look. It's funny that Anakin is never like, you wear a lot of clothes. Like, he never calls her out on it. I just got this one fucking robe that I dyed black in my sink. She's like calling him out on being, you know, chased. He can't be like, yeah, well, what's it like wearing so many stupid clothes?

Well, he does. I mean, he makes fun of her for being a politician. Yes, there's a lot of discussion on how he thinks politicians suck and, like, the universe should be ruled by a tyrant. Or him. This is my favorite dialogue exchange in the film. He's like, oh, I don't know, like,

one guy should make all the decisions. There, I solved your problem. No, first he says, I think all the people should sit in a room together and discuss how things should work out. And she's like oh i don't know like one guy should make all the decisions there i solved your problem no first he says i think all the people should sit in a room together and discuss how things should work out and she's like yeah that's what we do have you ever been to the senate you live on cars it is like do you read a newspaper i don't believe in politics what do you think i should do they should sit in the room and negotiate that's what that's the fucking system that's the thing and he's like but then how come it doesn't work? It's like, well, sometimes people don't agree. And then his response is, well, someone should make him agree. And so then now, no.

Why would she be attracted to this man? He's like an idiot. He's a simpleton. And he's a child like about this stuff. He hasn't thought things what is attractive about this? Well, her last boyfriend, who she mentions. Yes, who's now an artist. Paolo the artist.

And I think maybe she needed a change of pace Well, her last boyfriend, who she mentions. Yes, who's now an artist. Paolo the artist. Paolo the artist. And I think maybe she needed a change of pace from Paolo, who was in this, like, whatever, senator baby boot camp. Right. He was in the young Republicans program or whatever. This is an important point to note, is their hideout. So they go to the queen. The queen's like, you should lay low.

Yeah. There's a new queen. Looks, you know, the same kind of finery as Padme. Yeah, she's about six and a half years old. She's probably like 14, 15. She's good. I like her. And Sio Bibble's still there, like tearing his hair out.

Yeah. Yep. And they're like, you should go here. And Anakin's like, wait, what? I don't have say in this? And they're like, that's true. I'm a judge of security. We should list the Jedi Knight.

And she's like, he's not a knight, he's just an apprentice. Yeah, she really shuts him down. There's a weird hot and cold thing. Yeah, she's nagging him back. For sure,

a power play going on and I love it. And very much in public. Like in public. It's not just that she's trying to cover up her emotions. She like shits on him.

Yeah. To like a weird degree. And then when they're alone. Although she's right too because he is an apprentice and God knows why he was put in charge of this job

and he's a little shit and he sucks and his ideas are bad his dad his fucking Jedi dad let him go out of control someone needs to like rein him in a little bit

but she goes I know this great place we can stay cut to Obi-Wan cut back to here's the place and she's like oh this is where

we used to go on our retreats from school. A place that can be directly connected to me. If someone were trying to find me, I've been here many times before. It's like using your phone number as your password.

Yeah. It's like the most obvious. She used to be the queen. Well, we know she went to that one school that produces queens. Where did that school consistently go on retreats because school was so tough?

We could take a trip to DC for the weekend? No, we're gonna go to this lush forest and ride ballsack butthole creatures. They look like ticks. Yeah, they're like giant ticks. I argue they look like ballsack buttholes. Can we talk about the fact that they go back to Naboo after the life-changing events of Phantom Menace

and this is years later and there is no sign that the Gungans are involved in policymaking except that Jar Jar is whatever, like a junior senator or something. But at the end of— Why isn't he there with the queen? Why isn't there a Gungan? At the end of Phantom Menace, they hold the orb up together, Boss Nass and Amidala, and it's like, oh, finally, we're united people. And in this one, it's like, stay in your fucking river, you dirty goons. We don't see the Gungans. Yeah.

I don't know what to say. They're staying underground. It's just, I just, it's, I'm like, the whole, like, one percentness of Naboo in general and, like, how everything has to be a palace, basically. And, like, it's not helped by this retreat. Yeah. Okay, so this retreat, she talks about her ex-boyfriend Paolo. Yeah, Paolo. I ex-boyfriend Paolo. Yeah, Paolo.

I forgot his name was Paolo. The opening of this scene, this is one of my favorite first lines you can ever have for a scene. Obi-Wan's investigating. Hard cut to the two of them on a field. She goes, I don't know. The opening line of the scene is, I don't know.

And he goes, come on, you know. And she's like, no, I don't. And he's like, I'll use my fucking Jedi mind trick if you don't tell me. And she's like, okay. His name was Paolo. So he's like grilling her about... Yeah, he's like, come on, come on. There was one guy. Right. Yeah. I would love to watch a whole

movie about where Paolo is now. That should be a spinoff. I would 100%. He should be played by Oscar Isaac. Oh, he'd be great. Yes. God, he'd be so good in a Phantom Menace movie I agree she doesn't talk about how she and Sia Bibble

obviously were having an affair the whole time when she was the queen no question why isn't that addressed is Sia Bibble just like the concubine like that's his actual role

this is an important point why is she attracted to Anakin well she's been spending all her time with like fucking stodgy old dudes. And Jar Jar Binks.

And racist aliens. You know? Here's one person who's vaguely her age. Yeah, that's true. She's a little girl thrown into politics with aliens and old men. He's kind of a bad boy. Yeah. I think that I've literally heard him referred to as a bad boy by Natalie Portman.

Yeah. Very excitedly. In a featurette, she's like, ooh, he's a bit of a bad boy. I love Hayden. He's a bit of a bad boy. Yeah. You can tell there was real chemistry with them, just not on camera at all, ever. Yeah, yeah.

They saved it all for off screen. Secretly in rooms alone. But like all the other- Did they date? Is that a thing? I don't think that was a thing, like officially, or- He dated Rachel Bilson. NataliePortman.com was my homepage.

It was your homepage. Great. Yes. And my mom was very surprised when I started dating a lady this year. So, yeah, she just should have been on my computer a little bit more. She could have figured it out. But, yeah, she talks about him a lot in a flirty way in these featurettes. In like an unguarded

way. It's very giggly. Good for you, Natalie. How old is Natalie when this movie's being made? 18? No, she's not that young. You keep thinking she's too young. I think she's older because she's playing like a 24 year old or something. Remember, yeah. Which is crazy. Insane. Insane.

Looking at him. Paolo's an artist. I want to harp on this for a second. Insane. Looking at him. Paolo is an artist. I want to harp on this for a second. You guys talk about Paolo. We at this point did not know that artists existed in this universe. We've seen no sign of it. For a culture that is a galaxy that in sections is so decadent. Right? Like Naboo, these fucking palace and like people sitting so decadent. Right? Sure.

Like Naboo, these fucking palaces and people sitting on the thrones. Right. Eating fruit. Fruit. Digital fruit. And then we see these fucking plants like Tatooine where everyone's struggling to live. It's like these are circumstances in which art would exist classically, historically. Yeah.

She was 21. 21 years old. 21. Okay. Ooh. All right. I think drinking age in Australia is 16, so she would have been killing it anyway.

They start drinking when they're babies in that garbage pail of a country. I'm just kidding. Australia's great. What kind of art do you think Paolo does? Because throughout these two films... Space art! We never see a musician, right?

We never see paintings. No. Like, the decorations at these various homes are just like tapestries. We see one sculpture in the Jedi Temple. I remember noticing it. We see the bus. Oh, we see the bus, but then we also see the big sculpture. There's like a warrior.

So maybe Paolo's a sculptor, an official sculptor for the Jedi Temple on Coruscant. Hayden Christensen, also 21. They're the same age. Oh, my God. At the time. They were both born in 81. Oh, Ben is showing us Hayden on Tiger Beat and the cover of Tiger Beat. He looks really cute.

Yeah, very cute. NSYNC, shock report. Are they really over? Spider-Man, true love. Kristen caught in Toby's web. Hey. Bow Wow's Big Secrets. Ste Alexis Bledel's Beauty Styles, a lot of good stuff up there. They got a story on O-Town. Oh, yeah.

They were the stars. No, we were the stars of their liquid dreams. Yeah. Are you still looking this up, David? I was just looking at who he's dated, but it's really just Rachel Bilson. That's Hayden Christensen's major romance. They're still together.

They have a baby. Oh my God. They have a baby? Yeah, it's called Briar Rose, which is the, that is the name of Sleeping Beauty. It is, yeah.

Bizarre. That's crazy. All I'm imagining is this baby with insanely long fingers. And fish lips. I'm getting sick. It came out

with man-sized fingers. No, Rachel Bilson's a beautiful woman. I'm sure she contributed to that out with man-sized fingers. No, Rachel Wilson's a beautiful woman. I'm sure she contributed to that baby's beautiful DNA. She is beautiful. Heart of Dixie. That's all I got.

Just because I've done so much defending of Hayden Christensen outside of this one film on this podcast. Well, really just for Life is a House. And Shattered Glass.

Oh, yeah, Shattered Glass. He's good in Shattered Glass. I want to point out that Hayden Christensen is perhaps even worse in this than he is in this in the film Jumper with Rachel Wilson. Right, Shattered Glass. He's good in Shattered Glass. I want to point out that Hayden Christensen is perhaps even worse in this than he is in this in the film Jumper with Rachel Biel. Right, where they met. I have never seen Jumper.

Oh, Jumper's a catastrophe. Yeah. Which is weird because Doug Liman directed it and he's a good director. Yeah, and he's better at big budget special effects and stuff than most people. I think perhaps Hayden Christensen gets lost in movies of this size and should stay on small character dramas. Yeah, or maybe just not work anymore like he does now. Yeah, just take care of a baby. I think that's for the best.

He talks, you know, you're talking about his accent in this movie and I don't want to go back to these special features but he talks exactly the same way. Yeah, that's just his voice. But, that is his voice, but in the special features he's like more charming because he's not trying to seem serious.

Totally. And also, he's not rapping his tongue around this terrible dialogue. It's not just George Lucas. We keep not mentioning this. Someone else wrote this screenplay with George Lucas. I think his name is Jonathan Hales. I think that's right. Yeah.

He was a writer on the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles. So he's sort of a Lucasfilm stable guy maybe and just polished up some of the dialogue. But enough to get a credit. I mean, I could know because Stoppard, we've noted this. Tom Stoppard, noted playwright, also did a polish

on some of the dialogue. He's done polishes on so many. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if he was worth the money this time. I don't think so. It's insane to think that this is what polished is. Right. He's, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I don't know if he was worth the money this time. I don't think so. It's insane to think that this is what polished is. Right. It's fascinating to think, like, what did this look like before? I hate sand. It's coarse.

It gets between your fingers. So, yeah. All right. They go on this retreat. This is, and they have discussions about politics. Yep. And the nature of politics. Yeah.

They have discussions about Paolo. Mm-hmm. What else do they talk about? Well, there's the moment where they're standing. It's when they talk about sand. She's talking about, no, because this is an important moment they talk about? there's the moment where they're standing it's when they talk about sand she's talking about because this is an important moment this is the craziest scene in the whole movie she's leading him through and she's going

this is where we used to come on retreats so it's familiar to me this this and that remember we used to lie on the ground in the sand all day she's like in this nostalgia moment and he just goes ugh I hate sand now to be fair he grew up on a planet that is entirely sand. Too much sand. Makes sense that he wouldn't like sand.

Dare I say it? Too much sand. He doesn't say, which he maybe should have said, like, sand reminds me of my life as a slave. He says, it's coarse and it gets caught in my fingers. And hating Christensen says the word coarse in the way that you've never heard a human pronounce the word course this way before. And then she goes like, you like control, don't you? Like if it comes this like. It's a bit of a Fifty Shades thing.

Right. Yeah. And then he's like, I guess so. And then he starts touching her arm. He like wipes her arm. Yeah. He like does like he wipes a booger off her arm. Or on her arm.

Right. But it's like kind of he's kind of Like trying to call her You know go like Huh? You don't want to Well he says It's not like everything here Which is soft

And smooth Oh yes Jesus Christ Right right of course Soft and smooth He says he loves her He's implying that he loves her And thinks she's beautiful

Because she's not like sand Hey man That's the kind of talk That'll get people married Right Secret married Right so he goes soft And he touches her arm And she like Kind of looks hey man that's the kind of talk that'll get people married right secret married right so he goes soft and he touches her arm

and she like kinda looks but she doesn't stop it so then he starts touching her back and they're like staring at each other while he's like

playing like fucking octopus hands in the small of her black and then he just starts kissing her octopus hands meanwhile the entire theater has gone

to the bathroom because this was so horrendous right it's like alright this is a long movie I need my break this is my favorite joke in the entire movie has gone to the bathroom because this was so horrendous. Right. It's like, all right, this is a long movie. I need my break. This is my favorite joke in the entire movie.

This is maybe the one thing in the film that I laugh at fully that isn't said by Dexter Jets, Dorwado, or Elon Seuss backing out. My holy trinity. And it's a joke delivered by your main guy, Johnny Dubs. Johnny Dubs. Wait, who the fuck is Johnny Dubs? The two of them start kissing. Across the stars, blares.

It's like the most triumphant version of the theme yet. And then she goes, wait. And the music cuts off abruptly. Yeah, he does almost a record scratch. He goes, da, na, na, na. Like he closes the bag. Sure. I remember that killing at the theater I saw it at.

People going ballistic. I do not remember that going. The only thing I remember them going ballistic for was Yoda. Yeah, me too. It feels self-aware. Yeah. Like, it feels like Johnny Dubs knows where the joke is and is making it. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

As we were saying, he's the best storyteller in the movie. Yeah, hide some personality and cleverness into this movie in any way that he can. Sneak it in there. And he sort of does it. She's like, we can't do this. She does for some reason. He should be the one who's like, I'm a Jedi. She's more mature. That's true.

She's a galactic senator. She's got a lot to lose. I guess so. She's got a lot to lose in this world of constant emotions. Dating the chosen one in the Jedi seems like that could work like, you know, that could work out for you. You know? Yeah, but it's, like, it doesn't feel like outside of the Jedi Council anyone knows he's the chosen one.

That's true. No one's talking about him. Yeah, he's just some peon to everyone else. He's just some guy. Yeah. Okay, so then they just keep on hanging out. There is, I just want to mention this deleted scene where she takes him to meet her family and they have a meal together

I've heard of this scene there are two deleted scenes at her home what? I can't believe it who plays her family? I do not know he does a Back to the Future part 2 and he plays the mom in the den

he does a great job this is his best work they meet her mom, her sister part two and he plays the mom in the death he does a great job this is his best work uh they she meets they meet uh her mom her sister and her dad and also like her nieces and it's a uh they have like a meal which looks to be like um purple potatoes just boiled and peeled uh yeah it looks hey man they're all so skinny and handsome on Naboo they gotta yeah they gotta keep their diets health nuts yeah exactly

so like they he shares like a knowing glance with the dad like cause they're like oh like are you in danger and she's like no I'm not

I promise and he goes actually she is and like they sort of like smirk together him and the dad it's weird

where it's like ugh Padme with her yeah like we know better yeah right and then then there's like a gossip sesh in the kitchen with her we know better yeah right uh and then uh then there's like a gossip sesh in the kitchen with the ladies where padme comes in they're like why didn't you tell us about this guy like you never bring a boyfriend home and she's like he's not my boyfriend oh my god security detail it's fabulous i wish why isn't that in the movie because

according to rick mccallum producer producer producer. Not Producer Ben. No, not Producer Ben. Purdue or Rick. Purdue or Rick said that George thought there was too much emotion. Oh, classic. I think I literally wrote the quote down, so just give me one second. That's fine. And we can reference the fact that in The Phantom Menace, George Lucas complained about the amount of emotion in some of the scenes where Anakin is a poor slave.

Because he was crying too much about the fact that he would never see his mother again. He literally says about this scene and the scene, the next scene where Padme shows him her bedroom and like talked about her work with like charity groups on other planets. This sounds really boring. Rachel's produced a notebook with a verbatim quote written down. He said, it's emotional. It gives her a lot of character, but ultimately it wasn't necessary. Oh my God. But we get like eight scenes of her and Anakin rolling around.

Right. So yeah, the kiss is aborted. That's like the first scene when they get to the retreat. Yeah, it's pretty fast. Right. And then she's like, we can't. So they just keep on doing the most romantic things in the world. Rolling around in fields of daisies.

It's a beautiful episode of The Bachelorette. Yeah. Sunsets and water. Fancy meals. And giant tics. Giant tics. He shows off for the fancy meal. He levitates the pear.

Here's a note. I want a quick sidebar here. So when they cut to the scene with the fancy pear cut, at the beginning of the scene, a lady comes out and places two plates and serves the food to them.

Sure. Who the fuck is that lady? Is this retreat like, is this like a resort? It's like she's a robot. That's my question. Is that like, because they were traveling, the two of them alone, right? Yeah. And it feels like they're just like hanging out in this.

Is that a handmaiden? The handmaiden was with him. Is it like a secondary handmaiden? Can you ship one out to me? I think they're in like an exclusive restaurant under different names and this is like the back room that you you reserve ahead of time. It's like Mickey Mouse and Marilyn Monroe.

Those are the names they use. Or like Atlantis in the Bahamas. It's like a resort where they're taking care of everything. It's like food, shelter, testicle creatures. Yeah, so there is a point we should just talk about the fact that Anakin rides a testicle creature for her amusement. Yeah, he rides a ball tech. Yeah. And then he's like standing on it and he's like balancing.

Yeah, it's terrible CGI. It looks bad. Oh my God, Annie. And then he falls over and he crashes. And he grabs her. Oh, fuck, Christopher Reeve. He's like lying on the ground. That's what we're all thinking.

Too soon. Lying on the ground and she's like, oh no, Annie, Annie. And she like runs in her dress and her headdress and her like, it almost collapsed under the weight of everything on her. And then she turns around, he's giggling like a lunatic. And they start rolling around in the field. Like a lunatic. So they're doing all this romantic stuff,

even though they've made it very clear they can't. Yeah, but it's only a matter of time. I do like there's that one scene where he's meditating. Yeah. Which actually suggests some like inner turmoil. The other things do not after his nightmare we get the scene of him saying mom and being sweaty oh yeah and he's in his bed bare-tested just bare yeah not wearing a shirt not wearing a shirt tiny little nipples and he's like

mom no mom and then the scene ends and then he's meditating right and then we've talked about last week yeah how it's that spurs them to go off and see his mom he can have his big emotional moment now rachel we talked about in the past uh we were doing the the phantom podcast and that was our focus the phantom menace uh you talked about how you you like the phantom menace but really for you that movie was about shmi you had a big shmi thing i love sh Shmi. Shmi's great. We all love Shmi. I love Shmi. I love Pernilla August. I've never seen her in another film. But she's fantastic. But she's great.

She's a great lady. And I actually want to touch on this Klee-Glars thing. Please. Because I know last week you guys were saying, like, oh, like, he bought her first. Right, a little creepy. I don't know. I think that they fell in love in the markets of Tatooine. Right.

You know, Shmi's sort of independent anyway from Watto in The Phantom Menace. She lives separately or seems that way. And in Attack of the Clones, we hear that, like, oh, she's going off and picking mushrooms off these, like, moisture things. But, like, she's,'s like doing things by herself. It's fair to assume that she was also doing that when she was still a slave, like going on errands for water. I get what you're coming to you that she,

yeah, they fell in love and she was like, FYI, I'm a slave. And he was like, I'll take care of that. Quote unquote bought her. But do you,

yeah, but like he basically bought her freedom. Yeah. Right. I think that's what happened. Do you think that then that Shmi's actually like a femme fatale who was like, how do I get out of this? I need to work a rampant around my finger.

I never thought about that. That's how I earned my freedom. Well, she sure got her comeuppance if that's what she's got. Push me. Wado presents it the opposite way, but Wado also doesn't know anything about love. He goes, hey, she got bought by Lars. I heard he even married her.

Like, it's like that was the afterthought. Like, that happened down the road. But Watto wouldn't fucking know if it was happening under his own penis nose. Like, he wouldn't sense it. That thing doesn't have a good sniff for love. Okay. So, there's the fireside conversation where he's like so angsty about it where he's like

it's like fucking tearing me up inside this is why the movie it doesn't work because like you can never believe that you would be in love

with this kid because he's so annoying he's a brat and he said like the what does he say he says like I'm

he says something about being upset about the kiss you never should have given me yeah yeah there's a whole thing about that

the kiss will turn to a scar and the scar will drive me crazy he says that the one kiss will turn to a scar and the scar will drive me crazy. He's out of it. He says that the one kiss will turn to a scar. This is an abusive relationship

from this point on. We don't really realize it necessarily. It's mostly abusive of the English language. Eh, yes. But can I make this point? Because we're talking about the interviews.

He's kind of fun in the interviews. He acts like a 21-year-old. He's joking around and stuff. He's like, yes, great. I get to carry a a lightsaber it's fun right and then every scene he's so self-serious and i guess it's because it's like oh i'm playing someone who is a jedi and has been trained to do maybe he's being directed that way yeah you know you gotta yeah but the correct performance for this film would be someone who like now that he's left alone with someone vaguely his own age,

is reverting back to his emotions and being fun and not just dour, right? Right, yeah. And other than the scene where she asks him, she puts him on blast about not being able to love, where he's kind of smirking, where he's like, well, Jedis aren't allowed to love or show compassion, which I consider unconditional love.

The rest of the scenes, he's always so fucking sour lemon face. Yep. Why would this be the guy? Why would this be the guy? This would be the guy to break down your wall. But once again, Sal Bibble's the only guy you have around you. That's true. That's true.

Limited options. And Jar Jar. So he has this nightmare about Shemay. Yeah, yeah. He's like, come with me. I gotta figure out what's going on with my mom. No, no, she is like, we're gonna go figure out what's going on with your mom. And he's like, I don't know. And she's like, well, I'm going

to Tatooine and you better come. No, no, no, no, no. He says that, like, he's gotta go rescue her and she sort of is listening and being supportive. And he goes, I'm sorry, I don't have a choice. But she comes with him. She's like, well, I'm gonna come with you. And he's like, no, you can't him. She's like, well, I'm going to come with you. And he's like, no, you can't. And she's like, well, I'm going.

Meets his family. I suppose. Kind of. His new family, who he's also meeting. And Watto meets Watto, his old family. She knew him already. Oh, yeah, she spent a lot of time with Watto. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know that Griffin is an Anakin birther and believes that Watto is the true father of Anakin, not the Force. I've heard this theory. I'll buy it. He slays some Tusken Raiders. She is not put off by this. She's like, Anakin's fine. Yeah, he tells her that he murdered children and she responds by giving a big old hug.

She's like, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I think she's got some emotional issues of her own because he comes back and we know that Shmi is dead because he brought her body back. True. And he's being really emotional and he has not yet revealed that he killed all these Tusken Raiders. And she goes, Annie, what's wrong?

And you're like, well, I mean, my mom just died. Yeah, why ask? In front of me. Yeah. And then I carried her body back. Just go like, hey. Even if you just know those details. It ask? In front of me. Yeah. And then I carried her body back. Just go like, hey. Even if you just know those details. It's true.

It's true. She's kind of like, I thought we'd moved on from that already. What else is wrong? Don't make him restate it. I mean, speaking to the idea that she has some emotional issues, she was pushed into being the queen of a planet. Sure. When she was 12.

At its time of crisis, too. Right. Let's not forget. So, A, she definitely peaked too early. That's going to fuck a kid up. That weighs on her. If you have that much power, you're never going to get that much power again in your life. Not only was I a queen, but I was like the hero queen

who united this planet's races and pushed back an invading force, and I was only 12 years old. Oh my god. At 24, she's some old dame. Yeah, right. She's a senator, gridlock. What were you going to say, Lyle? Well, I was going to say, I read that she is the one who instated the two-term limit on being a queen.

What a hero. Yeah. Wow. She was just too precocious for her own good, really. She's demoted herself. She should have been dictator for life. She should have. As Anakin would have preferred.

Oh, yeah. Because he likes dictators. Yeah. He likes to dick her taters. Nope. life. She should have. As Anakin would have preferred. Oh, yeah. Because he likes dictators. Yeah. He liked to dick her taters. Nope. Nope. No? Nope.

No, definitely not? Nope. No? Ben doesn't like it. So after that, they go to Geonosis. They get a message from Obi-Wan. Yeah. I guess that he's been kidnapped.

I tracked Jango down. He's on a planet called Geonosis. Come over here. And then his hologram is interrupted by destroyer droids yeah it's pretty funny that the camera keeps rolling yeah i'd like to know if it just like literally just keeps going and it's just you know do you think anyone ever accidentally sends a hologram of them like peeing probably you think there's like a naked gun we never see the other side of that i thought you're gonna say we never see a character use the bathroom. That is also true. That is never discussed.

But we never see someone standing on the camera thing and talking. We hear them talking to each other in audio forms. But we never see what it looks like to be my message. It's not a major point.

Going to genosis. Let me change into my tightest jumpsuit, my smartest shawl. Sure. A whole bunch of battles, right? At least it's white, too. That's good sun. Sure, right. Temperature control, yeah.

Yeah, and sand and dust looks really cool on it. It's very coarse, though, that sand. Watch out. It gets everywhere. It rough gets everywhere. Not soft, like you and your arm. David just touched my arm. I forgot to mention that while I was describing the touching earlier,

I wouldn't stop touching David's arm to show what it was like on a podcast. I had to illustrate my point. Oh, my God. Okay, they make it through the crazy droid factory maze. Right. There's all that, but that's not romance. We'll get to all that later. No, no, no, but here's the...

They make out during the factory. So then they're captured. They're captured by the bug people. Of course, of course. And now the two of them are in this chariot. They're being prepared for... They're chained up. You know, whatever.

The pit. Yeah. The gladiator pit. But remember, there's this scene where they're talking to each other. And she's like, Anakin, if they... They think they're gonna die. If this happens, I just want you to know that I... Yeah. Remember, there's this scene where they're talking to each other. And she's like, Anakin, if I ain't before... They think they're gonna die. If this happens, I just want you to know that I love you. He's beautiful. He doesn't reply with

like, I love you too. I thought we agreed that we couldn't be in love. And she said, we live a lie. That would mean living a lie. And she said, the secret would destroy our lives. And she says, I actually like this line. Anything would be better after the line he delivers.

No, I think this one line's cute. I think this one line gets to feeling like an actual young romance. Shut up, dickwad. She goes, I thought we agreed we weren't going to fall in love because of this and that. And the secret would do this and would eat us up and destroy our lives. Just hating Christensen's delivery is worse than Griffin verbatim kind of going like yeah yeah yeah destroy all lives the point is he ends with and it would destroy our lives and then she sort of like looks out towards like the door of the arena she goes i think our lives are about to be destroyed

that is not a good line i can't believe i can't believe we wasted all this time on that it's not good i like it it's like kind kind of, yeah, we know. That's why she's saying it. I got nothing to lose. A monster's about to eat me. Right. And then she's like, but I do love you. And I think Portman actually kind of does a good job.

She's fine. I think she does a great job in this scene. She actually captures the emotion of like a doomed love. The music plays. They kiss as the doors open and they're wheeled out to be executed. I think this is kind of a... In a very public and graphic manner. In a weird way.

In a very weird way. Yeah. And it also doesn't help that Newt Gunray is up there and he's like, is she going to die in front of me? Yeah. Oh, right. Because it's very, very passively offhandedly mentioned that, oh, I realize that Newt Gunray is the one who was trying to kill Pat.

I guess so. Is he the only one? Yeah, it's mentioned in one sentence. That one hologram that gets interrupted by the Destroyer Droid has like 17 plot points mentioned very casually. It's like, I got here. Jango Fett, he's here on Geonosis. Count Dooku's here. He's been establishing a droid army that Newt Gunray's going to use to unite the four federations to fight against

the Republic, who now have the clone army. By the way, Newt Gunray's the one who is trying to kill... Oh no, a droid! Because, and we'll get to more of this when we talk about the climax, because yeah, it's like the Trade Federation and then there's like a robot, like a tin man who, so he's, I guess he's like the robot federa... Oh, Wat Tambor. Yeah, he's

like, what is he, like the machinists federation? It's like a bunch of trade unions basically. Sandhill, Poggle the Lesser. Yeah, Sandhill who's like the finance chairman or something. He's like Wall Street. Oh, is he the guy with the wiggly pale head? Yeah, he's got kind of a tall alien-y sort of bulbous head. I read

that he is Dooku's master in disguise. What? Darth Plagueis who was only discussed on Wikipedia and probably in comic books or whatever. He is that race. Okay, I'm racist. No, you're not. Yeah, you're a racist. Well, but maybe he is him in disguise.

I don't know. Okay, okay. He might be. I don't know. Okay, I'm going to look it up. You got me. I'm going to look it up. Look it up.

Who's Poggle the Lesser? Is he the bug man? He's a Geonosis, right? Yeah, right, right. So who are they? Bug people, I'm going to look it up. You got me. I'm going to look it up. Look it up. Who's Poggle the Lesser? Is he the bug man? He's a GNO, isn't he? Yeah. So who are they? Bug people, I guess. Yeah, they're in charge of entertainment. Well, but then they're all murdering people.

They're building like shit. Why would the bugs? Well, they have a factory. If you've got it, use it. And they're building some kind of ultimate weapon. We see like plans for an ultimate weapon. It's really hard to make out what it is. It looks cool, but that's another dangling thread.

It feels a little like the Hudsucker proxy pitch, though. Yeah, that's definitely what it feels like. That's what I thought of immediately. They go like, look, here's the ultimate weapon. It's just a circle. Yeah, right. Do you know what I'm saying? Instead of a circle on a piece of paper, it's just like a circle on a hologram.

And he goes like, you know, for deaths. Right. That's my Hudsucker joke. You know, for kids. Right. I love the Hudsucker joke. You know, for deaths. Hudsucker practices on fair moose.

So they get wheeled out to their death and Newt Gunn is watching them. I think it's kind of, I'm a sucker for people confessing their love right before they think they're going to die. Which they almost never are. They're going to make it. Anakin's lightsaber is gone. One could argue that love helped them power through. No question. Actually, no.

I don't make the argument. No, I think that's wrong. Right? Because I think the thing that helps them power through is... She's totally independent. The Force helps them, Obi-Wan helps them and then the Jedi all the remaining

living Jedi showing up she's got a gun she's got a gun where does she get the gun yeah where does she yank that from

oh somebody like throws it to her when the clones arrive but she's like very like with it from the beginning of this execution thing

she's got her bobby pin yeah she frees herself she climbs up the pillar first of all she has her bobby pin. Yeah. She frees herself. She climbs up the pillar. First of all, she has a bobby pin, which seems insane to me. Right.

That's what is holding up her hair. That's part of it. It's probably like a billion bucks. There's nothing like a space thing. I don't know. I love it. I love that she has a bobby pin and that she does the old sneak fit in her mouth

and then gets free while they're not paying attention. Yeah. There's a lot of stuff going on in that pit. A lot of stuff going on. They survive. The clones come. And yeah, we will do more on this later. Anakin pushes her out of the ship

because he doesn't want her to be in danger. She's like, I'm coming with you. He's like, no. And he pushes her out into the sand. It's a bit of a dick move. A real dick move. And then, of course, he loses an arm in a battle. Right. Okay. Saves the day. We're not even like seeing

Padme other than like a couple storm clone troopers. Yeah right. They gather her. They're clone troopers in the storm and they come out. Go on. They come out. Go on. And they're like we got you and they take her away. Right. Yeah. Saves the day. Yoda fights Dooku.

We'll talk about all this later. And then it's like as they're wrapping everything up, cut to the retreat. The retreat where she used to go on school holidays. Secret wedding. Oh, man. Secret silent wedding. Like we said, it's the one it does work. R2 C3PO's witnesses.

They're a waitress from earlier officiating. He's got a robot hand. Boy, oh boy. The ring would probably be hard to fit on that robot finger because they're really skinny. You could just build it on. Yeah.

That's true. Hey. Build it on. Weld it on. Yeah. And they kiss and that's the end of the movie.

Is that the last scene in the movie? The last shot is the two of them kissing. Successful romance. It'd be good if the last shot was just movie? The last shot is the two of them kissing. Successful romance. It'd be good if the last shot was just Obi-Wan kind of just sitting and being like... That'd be great.

Yeah. So they're trying to present it as like a doomed love story, fighting against the odds. We know that this romance is doomed. Do you know why we know that? Why? Because Anakin says it over and over again. This doom's going to destroy our lives.

He won't shut up about it. But that's the thing. Like, most doom love stories, it's like, oh, God, class. Like, like, Titanic, it's like, come from different worlds. Right. There's a ship and there's another man involved. And this is just the two of them being like, we probably shouldn't, right? This seems like a bad idea.

And then they do, and then they're like, wait, no, stop. We really shouldn't. This seems like a bad idea. It's like, just fuck. You guys just want to fuck. You're both just young people. You never get to spend time around people your own age. We've talked about this endlessly. Where it's like the movie is like they can't do it.

And you're like, why not? It seems fine. They seem to like each other. The movie's like, the rules! Jedi rules! And we're like, we didn't know about those! You tell me Mace Windu's not getting some? Yeah, man. Mace Windu could collect. Just go around town and just collect. You tell me Mace Windu's not getting some? Mace Windu could collect. Just go around town and just collect. You tell me Yaddle never gets her yiddle yaddle?

I resigned from this podcast. You tell me Yeriel Puff doesn't go to those fucking Queer Me In? Bars? A Queer Me In bathhouse? Doesn't go to that glory hall place in space? I really was hoping you would make a Kit Fisto joke. Oh yeah. Kit hoping you would make a Kit Fisto joke. Oh, yeah.

Kit Fisto has never been Kit Fisto'd. He has six fingers, too. Let's not forget. Six fingers. There's that scene where Kit Fisto goes like, ah. Yeah. And he's like, ha-ha.

That's a spicy fist. Oh. We'll talk about Kit Fisto. He's getting, I think we're going to do 10 episodes just on Kit Fisto. Yeah, that's our next series. The Chronicles of Fisto. Fist and Kit. That's not going to happen.

It's happening. The UCB is firing us as we speak. Rachel. Yes. Bill LaSalle. Yes. Yes or no. Yes, maybe.

How does the love plot of this film work for you today? Were there any nostalgic pangs remembering what it felt like? Or did it all just lay cold like a bunch of dead Gungans? I think... I mean, definitely leaning toward dead, cold Gungans. Okay. For sure. Yeah.

The only twinges of nostalgia came from the music. I mean, definitely leaning toward Dead Cold Gungans. Okay. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. The only like twinges of like nostalgia came from the music and maybe from this, like you're saying, the death, the execution, love, confession. I was like, okay, maybe. And then, you know, the rest of the movie happens and it's all still kind of bad. Because the stakes are actually high in that moment. It's like, oh, they actually might die. Them confessing their love means something and they're not just creating artificial blocks.

Right. I mean, every scene of them before that talking about love could, you could just take the dialogue from one and plop it onto any of the other ones and it would be not different. Like them in the, what is it? The refugee like cruiser thing.. Like them and the, what is it, the refugee cruiser thing, and them at the lake. You could switch any of those around, basically, and it would be the same thing.

It definitely feels like a movie made by someone who hates love. Absolutely. Absolutely. George Lucas met his wife at a business conference. His current wife? His current wife. Because he was married in the 70s or 80s. And his wife left him for a man who was installing stained glass windows in their house.

I did not know that. Stained glass windows. Really, George? An artist like Paolo. Paolo! His wife was his editor on his first couple movies. Uh-huh. THX and the like. And American Graffiti. And then he didn't work for a while. A lot of people theorize that she

was kind of like the missing element. That she was maybe the humanity to his work. I see. Because he was not with his current wife when Attack of the Clones is being made, right? No. He meets her later. Yeah. I don't think they met until 2003 or... Alright. So maybe, yeah, they were having a conference about Attack of the Clones is being made, right? No. No, he meets her later. Yeah, I don't think they met until 2003 or...

Ah, all right. So maybe, yeah, they were having a conference about Attack of the Clones probably. Yeah, that makes sense. He was a man who lived in a castle by himself, adopted like three children. Filled with stained glass. Yeah, and was just like, I don't need love. I can raise children on my own. I make art.

I'm fine. And then now it's like, oh, George, you back yourself in the corner. You got to make a movie about love. And he's like, oh, fuck. What does love sound like? I talk about sand. I wonder if it was like there was four pages of sand talk and Stoppard was like, can we lose all of this? And Lucas was like, no way.

And he was like, all right, I'm going to do what I can here. I think I also saw Attack of the Clones four times in theaters. I think I only saw it twice, maybe three times. The fourth time I saw it was the IMAX re-release. Oh, yeah. Now, at the time, IMAX technology was limited, and so there was a hard cap on how many platters of film they could run into the projector.

So it sort of switches between IMAX and regular visions? No, no, no, not even that. They just cut it out. You're saying they just edited the movie down. Yes, exactly. No, it was, they could only have a film be a certain length. Because the film is about two hours and 20 minutes long. Two hours and 22 minutes long.

Yeah, which is about 45 to an hour, like, too long. I think it had to be two on the nugget. Yeah. It had to be two minutes clean. Like, no, I'm saying for IMAX limits. Two hours total. Like Interstellar's three hours long, I think. It's close to three hours long.

And there was a big thing about how they had finally had the breakthrough where they could project three hours worth of footage. Seeing Interstellar on an IMAX was one of my, like, so fucking good. It's great. Interstellar's the best. But the IMAX film is so big, there's only so much of it they can store in the room with a projector. So it was like, okay, that was

near three hours. Dark Knight was like two and a half. Like, they kept on pushing it up to get longer and longer movies. But this time, this is one of the first

major films re-released in IMAX. It wasn't released in IMAX at the time. Like, five months later it came out in IMAX. And they fucking cleavered 20 minutes off the film.

Wow, the IMAX cut. Yeah. I would like to see it. Me too. minutes off the film. The IMAX cut. Yeah. I would like to see it. Me too. Guess what they cut. The romance? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I remember it being like 30 second versions of each scene. Wow. I wonder who did that. I wonder who was responsible for the editing. Like whether it was Ben Burtt and the other editor or if like an IMAX guy was just like, ugh. Martha Lucas. She came back.

Marsha Lucas. Yeah, she came back, edited his film without his permission, and he divorced her again. Isn't that why Temple of Doom is supposedly so dark? Because George Lucas and Steven Spielberg had both just gotten divorced or were going through divorces.

Yeah. The difference is that Spielberg quickly remarried and found new love, and Lucas went on to hate all people. For like 25 years. Yeah. Well, Rachel, thank you so much for being on the podcast.

Of course, thank you so much for having us. Great guest. You're a great friend. It's nice to see you as well. I like your glasses, by the way. I like the blue. Thank you. No one can see,

but Rachel has blue glasses. Just the frame. Just the frame. So tweet at Rachel your dirty pigeon dirty pigeon on Twitter you have a great Twitter everyone should follow you best on Twitter does it happen with you where Rachel will occasionally like favorite tweets of mine from a while ago

she's obviously like going through my feed I like that it's nice I recommend it I recommend following Rachel and then maybe she'll follow you and then maybe

you'll wake up to a little to a little spree but tweet at Rachel tweet at us tweet at Rachel Dolezal skeleton fingers spider fingers

spider fingers yes or no Pat May Dolezal yes or no tweet if you want to ship Rachel and John Williams because there's clearly

is he married? probably there's more chemistry between Rachel and John Williams. Is he married? Probably. There's more chemistry between you and John Williams than there is between Pat Manning and Annika. You and a sweaty John Williams. I accept that. Yeah, I fully embrace that. As you fully embraced his sweaty body. Oh, God, it was great.

It was great. I thrived on that. You said in your email there was a music video for Across the Space? There is an official music video. Is it like a YouTube fan video, basically? It's just edited footage of their rolling around? It's literally just scenes. And it's not even just love scenes.

It'll be a scene of Mace Windu being like, we've got to do this. And then it's like... So John Williams isn't in the video. No, he is in it conducting stuff. It's a very weird music video. I suggest you check it out. But there aren't slow motion, like,

Mark Romanek shots of John Williams walking down the street flipping up his collar and looking across the stars. I would pay so much money to shoot that video. John Williams is really on a high, though,

because the year before AI had come out, which is one of his greatest scores. Great score. Minority Report came out that year. Harry Potter, who did the year before. We were just talking about how the Harry Potter, John Williams score is just like,

he was like, I nailed this theme. All right, the rest you can just copy-paste from the other shit. But it was, I mean, that was like the last time that he established another iconic theme where it's like, oh, fuck, he got exactly what the vibe of this thing. Yeah, he hasn't done it again, has he?

I suppose he hasn't been given a franchise like that to create a theme for. No, I'd say Phantom Manus, Harry Potter, E.T., Jaws, Superman certainly is like, oh fuck, that is what Superman sounds like. Raiders, Jurassic Park. Superman and Harry Potter had that similar thing where

they were already such big iconic things. Right, right, and he like, the music evokes what you think. That is right. Elfman did that with, right. And he like, the music evokes what you think. That is right. Yeah. Step right up to the plate. Elfman did that with Batman, but other than like, Yeah.

That, like, Williams is kind of the only guy who's really like, fuck, that's exactly what Superman sounds like musically. I thought Hans Zimmer did a good job on Man of Steel. Oh, yeah.

What's it called? You know. Yeah. An Ideal of Hope. I think that's a great score. It's a terrible movie. Bad movie. Bad movie. Bad movie. Bad movie.

Bad movie. Rachel, anything you want to plug outside of your Twitter? Yeah, what do you want to plug? Be anything in the world. I just want to plug one more theory related to this podcast, which is that Jocasta New and Count Dooku

hooked up. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he got her to delete the Kamino shit. It's like that upstate New York prison escape thing. Two silver foxes? Two silver foxes looking for,

well, one looking for love, one looking to take advantage. Yeah. And he's like, no, no, no, I'll come back and visit soon. Because I deleted those files for you

and he's like, I know I'm just really busy. They don't exist. They don't exist. So that's what I'm plugging. Chacosta New sucked. She sucked. Yeah, she sucked.

Fire her. Ben, thoughts on Chacosta New? Ben is currently tangling wires around his fingers. Ben. No. Great. Great job. What are we talking about next week?

Next week? I don't know yet. I don't know yet either. We got a good guest who I think we haven't confirmed yet. Okay. Confirmed as of a week ago, we got a double confirm.

But I'm going to throw it to them and see what subject they want to yet. Okay. It was confirmed as of a week ago. We've got to double confirm. But I'm going to throw it to them and see what subject they want to do. Thanks for being here, Rachel. Hopefully it's your question. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Rachel. Thank you.

Bye. Thanks for being here, Ben. And Rachel, do you want to throw us out with an as always? Oh, yeah, please. I don't remember what we say as always.

As always. It's just some bullshit. You've got to say something stupid. The bar's really low. I've done terrible job for the last couple of weeks. And as always, spider fingers. Yeah. Cool.