Blank Check with Griffin & David - The Jedi Council - The Phantom Podcast

Episode Date: April 6, 2015

This week Griffel and Simsbert discuss the Jedi Order. What are these mystical warriors all about? What is the Force? Why is Qui-Gon Jinn rigging chance cubes so that he can steal a child and casually take his blood? Their ongoing investigation reveals new insights into many aspects of these robed street people, including: explaining the ridiculousness of midichlorians, the poorly designed “revolving-restaurant” headquarters, and why love is forbidden for all Jedi. “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” - Yoda, confusing everyone

Hello, this is Griffin Griffle Newman. Hi, this is David Simsbert Sims. And we are Griffle and Simsbert. Griffle and Simsbert. It's funny. It works. Yeah. Thanks to producer Ben for that one.

Yep. 100% of the credit there. You are welcome. We're all suits if either the estates of Siskel or Ebert wants to come after us. You are, of course, listening to our podcast in which we dissect Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace, the first and sadly last of the Star Wars films. A George Lucas film. Yep.

It's a George Lucas film. George Lucas joint. I think it's credited as a George Lucas joint, right? Yep. Yep. Mm-hmm. And, yeah, it was supposed to be a franchise starter i guess so yeah sci-fi universe right there's a lot going on that's what we're going to talk

about there's there's a whole world out there that we we just brush against but unfortunately much like you know john carter jupiter ascending uh battlefield earth don't don't don't piss on jupiter ascending's grave before it's even dead. Like, we don't know. I mean, look, I'd love to see Jupiter descending. Saturn ascending? Sure. Yeah.

I actually, I think my earlier superior joke was Jupiter achieving a cruising altitude. Jupiter peaking. Yeah, I was good on Twitter like four weeks ago. But, yeah, you know, we're just, we gotta. We're here. We're here, we're here. And we just have to work with what we have, which is just.

The Phantom Menace. The Phantom Menace. And some might say, oh, wait, weren't there, I don't know what you're talking about. The Phantom Menace. I don't know what you're talking about. I have no idea what you're talking about. And if oneace. I don't know what you're talking about. I have no idea what you're talking about. And if one were to reference other films, they would get docked points.

Yeah. And there'd probably be a hilarious sound effect. Probably be a hilarious sound effect, but you'd get docked points. That's not what we're here to talk about in this podcast. We're here to talk about Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Mass. And more specifically today,

this weird group of people, the film sets up uh called the the jedis the jedis uh robed um sort of priest policemen yeah uh who um are very serious very very dour very unfunny people. The Jedi Knights, they're called. Yeah, they are Jedi Knights. Not wearing suits of armor. Nope. Suits of cloth. And by suits, robes.

No armor, actually. No protection of any sort. They're wearing all soft goods. Yeah, it's all soft goods. Yeah, but they don't have helmets. They don't have pads. They do got weapons. They have these, once again,

I don't even know how to describe them. They look like laser swords. They look like laser swords. Yes. I noticed early in the film. They're like laser sabers. Yeah. I think they're very bright.

Bright sabers? Is that what they're called? Like a light rapier, I would say. Now, Griffin, they do call them lightsabers, pretty sure. They do call them lightsabers. We do know that. We may not know much, but we know that. We know that.

We know that. And they make their base on Karasan. Mm-hmm. And they talk about the Force. A lot. Whatever that is. Well, as it is established within this film, it is a rare blood disease. That's right.

Yeah, they're kind of – so they're robed street people in brown cloth who walk around with indestructible swords. Light rapiers? Yes. And I don't like you saying light rapiers. I just don't like that. Well, look it up in the dictionary, folks. I'm not saying anything inappropriate. Because I guarantee you, saying the word light rapier is perfectly illegal.

Can we hit a time on how quickly it took Griffin to bust that out? About four minutes in. All right, good. So, yeah, and they occasionally will kidnap child slaves and surreptitiously test their blood without really telling them why, send those results to their central processing chamber where they, I don't know, find new slaves to induct into their cult. It is a cult. David, I just want to take it back for one second.

I agree that it is a cult. You said they will kidnap a child. That is not true. They will rig a bet in order to obtain a child who then they own as a slave. But there's no kidnapping. There is no point in this movie. I can't say that.

They'll rig a chance cube. Sure, a motherfucker will rig a chance cube left and right. We got to talk about the chance cube. Got is no point in this movie. I can't say that. They'll rig a chance cube. Sure, a motherfucker will rig a chance cube left and right. We got to talk about the chance cube. Got to talk about that chance cube. But yeah, I guess they do buy Anakin's freedom in this movie. But did they ever say that he's free? It's not really discussed. It's like, you're free from that job and now you'll come with us.

No, he's not free. Yeah, because what if Anakin was like, hey, actually, I want to be a salesman in the Mos Espa spaceport. I want to sell some trinkets. Too bad. You think Qui-Gon would have said, yeah, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, you're free, so do whatever you want. No, Qui-Gon would not have said that. All right.

David? We should back up. We should back up. I think we're speeding through this. Let's start to... No, no. We're done. That's it.

That's the end of this episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's start picking the gnat shit out of the pepper here. Every episode of this podcast, we're trying to devote to a different element of this film. Yeah. Going into some aspect in detail. And we're trying to figure out what the movie is about. Of course.

That's the goal. We're trying to... This podcast is a mystery. Yeah. It's like a sort of. And we're trying to figure out what the movie is about, of course. That's the goal. We're trying to- This podcast is a mystery? Yeah. It's like a sort of, I'm making a hand signal. It's like a big ball of jelly. Yeah. And we're just trying to get to the middle of it.

I'm digging what's inside this ball of jelly. What is The Phantom Menace about? What's it about? And the Jedi's, the lead characters in the film are Jedi's? Yeah. I'd say Qui-Gon and- And Obi-Won and Obi-Wan are probably the two main characters, if I had to rank them in order of importance. I would say so.

I think in terms of billing, star billing, Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor. Anakin is an aspiring Jedi Knight. Yes, a potential Jedi. So one would argue that perhaps waiting until Episode 3 to dissect the Jedi Order, the Jedi Council, was maybe shooting ourselves in the foot because maybe that's the key to finding out what this movie is about is looking at the main characters. No, I think it makes sense that we spent the first episode on the first eight minutes and

the second episode on Keira Knightley. I think it makes sense that it took us till now. Keira Knightley, though. Yeah. Keira Knightley, though. Is she a Jedi? Oh, boy. She's not a Jedi, but she makes my rapier light up. No Knightley, though. Keira Knightley, though. Is she a Jedi? Oh, boy. She's not a Jedi, but she makes

my rapier light up. No, no, no. If you know what I'm saying. No, no, no. Alright, so you're right. You're right, of course. I am right. She does make my rapier light up. Why does your lightsaber sound effect just sound like a car starting?

Not even like a fancy car, like a Corolla. Because I'm so excited for Furious 7. Yeah. And every sound effect I make right now. Yeah. I was eating a banana all like... I just put Coat for Griffin's car in park. Yeah.

You parked my car. No cars in this movie. No cars in this movie. There are speeders. Yeah. There are ships. Yeah. There's a big line between speeders and ships.

Yeah, there's also sort of a bubble craft at one point. Yeah. Don't forget the bubble craft. Yeah, the submarine type bubble craft pod. No, but there's the part, not to jump ahead, but there's the part where they're testing Anakin to decide whether or not he can be a Jedi Knight. Yeah, where they're testing him. They have the screen and he

has to guess what's on the screen. He goes cup, a ship, a speeder. Yeah. Which is a kind of ship. He's so precise that he knows the difference between a ship and a speeder except it's just a subclass. They're such jerks. And even then they're like, you can't be a genie.

You keep on. But that's like saying a cop, a primate, a chimpanzee. And it's like, well, but both of those are technically primates. Well, you know, the first was not clear. Okay. A little foggy. The jadees of this film wear the cloaks with the swords. Beginning of the film, they try to-

They've been sent as negotiators to diffuse the situation. Yes. TC-14, our favorite lady. She's so smart. Maybe the hottest bitch in the game right now. Oh, she's so smart and sexy. Walks in there with her tea, and she's like, yo. Yo.

Goes back to our friends, the Neimoidians. Yeah, she's like, I think these are Jedi Knights. What do the Neimoidians say? They go, but why are they trying to... I don't know what they say. Yeah, I don't know. Who knows what they say? But the point is, Jedis are that recognizable.

Right, right. They all kind of look the same too. They all wear the same very simple clothing. So they're somewhat monastic. Yes. You don't see them with wives or girlfriends. Oh I believe love is forbidden. Is that mentioned in this movie? Well it's just weird that none of them have any

There's no. I don't think it's mentioned in this movie though. That was my analysis. You're going bright red. Look, nothing was said, but I'm allowed to go into a deeper reading. I'm not basing it on any external knowledge of any other things I've seen. And we can't deny the fact that Qui-Gon Jinn, a grown man,

spends 100% of his time with Obi-Wan, who is, I don't know how old he's supposed to be, about 20 years old, maybe. And let's not ignore the elf in the room. Too good-looking men. Oh, boy. Enough. How's your lightsaber doing right now?

Oh, boy. I mean, I'm saying, you know, as inspired by you, I got to coin a new term here. With looks that could make a mouth shudder like boss Nass, you know? You see those faces, you go, Yeah, two pretty, pretty faces. Qui-Gon's got a nice little close-cropped beard. Obi-Wan is sort of a peachy, fuzzy face.

Oh, God. And he's got a dumb crew cut and a lame ponytail. Yeah, but you cut that off while he's sleeping. He's good enough to bring home to dad. And Qui-Gon's got head and shoulders kind of shoulder length hair so they're good looking guys but they're girl Jedi's

we think yeah but there doesn't seem to be any sort of mingling romantic mingling of the two my point here because you know my statement that love is forbidden is based entirely off of just this one film and no external knowledge. But you'd think that were they allowed to engage with the fairer sex, they'd be picking up bitties left and right.

Oh, my God. Left and right. Qui-Gon would have to swat him away with his green lightsaber. Traveling around the galaxy. And even when they go to the Jedi Council, and there are all these other Jedis there, some of them female. And once again, maybe, maybe.

Who knows? Maybe some of them are homosexual. You know, Qui-Gon or Obi-Wan may be homosexual. I didn't realize this podcast was going to get political. There are enough male. Look, you give me a soapbox, I'm going to stand on it. Okay. There are enough male Jedis there of different species.

The point is, whatever floats their boat, they're going to come across enough different types of creatures. Yeah, maybe you're into creatures. Hey, totally cool by me. But there's no evidence that there's anything going on. No, and I think were they allowed, they would go for it. Right. But they don't.

No. They wear these robes, and they carry these swords. And they serve as intergalactic functionaries. Right. Well, they're supposed to sort of, they're presented as ambassadors. Somewhat neutral. Like they have a sort of like, you know, they have no side. Like that's why they're being sent in, right?

Like they're sort of ombudsmen for the galaxy. yet they were these very identifiable um ensembles yeah and they carry uh really powerful weapons with which they can basically take apart an entire ship right do in the first minutes of the movie so they're going in under false pretenses but kind of trying to hide who they are at all they're they in the first scene of the movie which which we, I think, might have talked about a little bit. A little bit. They are so incredibly disdainful of their work

and what they're being made to do. They're just like, ugh. Yeah. Here we are on this dumb ship, I guess. Ugh, they're bringing us tea,

these losers. But whose fault is it? Should the Republic of Naboo said, hey, we're going to send some Jedis there to talk about it and let the Neimoidians know. Right.

Is it their bad or should the Jedis, if they were sent to function as ambassadors, maybe, I don't know, put on a nice suit? Yeah. Nice clean suit. Right. If not, you know, don't ask, don't tell. Are you a Jedi? Yes, I am indeed a Jedi. Instead of giving it away from your basic appearance, because the second they walk in, TC-14, hottest bitch in the game,

goes back to the Moidean, says, I think they're Jedis. Doing her job, by the way. I think they're Jedis. And it's like, you think they're Jedis? They're Jedis. She's just being polite. Yes.

She's just being polite because she doesn't want to be like, hey guys, I know everything, and you know nothing. Right. But FYI, those are a couple of Jedis. Physical Jedis. She has a real, if she had rollable eyes,

her eyes would have rolled when she said that. But her eyes are just little light sockets. I think they may be Jed-ice. Did you look at them for like one second? Anyway, TC-14. Anyway, very quickly, gas gets leaked in. Can we interview the person who voiced TC-14? I bet we could find her,14? Oh, my God.

I bet we could find her, right? Right? That's got to be it. Yeah. I'm going to look up who it is. Anyway, yeah, they come in, gas comes in. They take down everything the Neimoidians throw at them, be it gas, battle droids, closing doors, everything. You realize how agile and capable they are as fighters. We haven't even gotten to the pack.

They have magic powers. We didn't even talk about this. They can blast things across the room just by moving their hands. They can brainwash people. They are possessed of a terrifying amount of power for galactic policemen. Once again,

one man's magic powers are another man's fatal blood disease. But they have abilities. They can jump around. They can block laser weapons with precision accuracy with their rather skinny laser swords. They have premonitions. They can see the future, kind of. Although they're always like, eh, it's cloudy, it's cloudy.

So I don't know how good that power is. David, I have some terribleness. Oh, no. Oh, God. TC-14 is dead? TC-14 was played by a man. Wow, I feel really bad right now. Is that the actor in the suit?

Because that is a female voice. Ooh, good point. They're probably two different listings.. Is that the actor in the suit? Because that is a female voice. Ooh, good point. They're probably two different listings. That was who played him in the suit. Okay, hold on. Played her in the suit. Okay. Oh, my God.

Because, I mean, TC-14 is genderless. It is a robot. It has no... Apart from the voice, it has no... It looks exactly the same as every other robot. David. Okay. Do you remember when I told you that I had some bad news?

Oh boy, yes. And it was, oh, John Fenson. Oh God. Who played TC-14 in the series. How disappointing could it be? TC-14, we want to meet the actress.

Right. Oh, it's a guy. He's a grip. It's his only acting role. Right? Sure. He hasn't worked on anything since a short in 2008, right?

Ooh. How disappointing could things get? Okay. I've now found out who is the voice of TC-14. Yes. And I have some great news for you. It is better than we ever could have imagined. Is it Olivia de Havilland?

TC-14 is played by one of our mutual favorite underrated actresses. Who? TC-14 is played by the great Lindsay Duncan. Oh, what? She is, oh. Lindsay Duncan is a treasure. A national treasure. A national treasure.

An international treasure. Lindsay Duncan, who played the underwritten theater critic role. Yeah. Poorly written. It was overwritten. It was overwritten. It was overwritten. And badly written.

In Birdman. Thinly written. Yes. But overwrought. But hell, she tried her best. Oh, she played the shit out of it. Yeah. Yes, yeah.

But overwrought. But hell, she tried her best. Oh, she played the shit out of it. Yeah. Some of you may know her from the Doctor Who, Waters of Mars. That's right. Which is maybe my favorite episode of that series. She was the mom in About Time. Yeah, the underrated BBC miniseries, Perfect Strangers by Stephen Poliakoff.

She is absolutely extraordinary in it. She's a great actress. My uncle. Who knew? Lindsay Duncan. I know that they made the movies in England and so they would just sort of scoop up people. You know, Terrence Stamp and Oliver Ford

Davis. These like Shakespearean legends. But who knew? Wow. The great Lindsay Duncan has three lines as the voice of her robotic service team. Who we have been talking about like every episode of this podcast for 10 minutes. TC-14 has probably clogged more airtime

than any other yeah i think tc14 right now if you made a pie chart of everything we've talked about would be the biggest chunk yeah no question um oh god i just can't now if i what you want to as if i didn't already want to fuck tc14 now that I know it's Lindsay Duncan. This has been our dirtiest episode. No question. Lindsay Duncan is like one of the most beautiful 67 year old women I've ever seen. I don't mean that as like a qualifier. You're not being patronizing.

No. I mean. You're just objectively. Every woman will be 67 at some point. Well one hopes. She may honestly be on my top 10 actress crush list. Yeah. Sure. Lindsay Duncan. She may honestly be on my top 10 actress crush list. Yeah, sure. Lindsay Duncan. She's so beautiful.

Imagine walking into a party with her. Imagine walking into the White House with her on your arm. Everyone would be like, oh, hi. Call me crazy, but I think we'd actually make a good couple. Yeah, you'd make a great couple. Right? I mean, it depends. I don't know what Lindsay's looking for at this point in her life.

If she maybe wants to have a little fun with a younger man. I think she might. And also, I mean, let's be honest, I'm not that much fun. I mean, if she wants to have a little fun with a younger man, I'm the choice. But the idea is sometimes someone older dates someone younger, and they're like, I can't keep up with him. You can keep up with me. Yeah, you can keep up with me.

But you do have to watch a lot of DVDs in your apartment. Yeah, but that's the point. You get to stay on the couch and drink tea, and then you have to watch Chicken Run a bunch. Ooh, Chicken Run. She might be a voice in Chicken Run for all we know. Oh, God, I hope she's a voice in Chicken Run. I don't want to fuck that chicken. All right.

Let's stop talking about Lindsay Duncan and TC-14. The GD Knights. The GD Knights. Okay, so I'm just saying, it's crazy to me that there is so much, these guys are so powerful, they are so scary, everyone's scared of powerful. Yeah. They are so scary. Everyone's scared of them.

The Neimoidians in their big donut ship are like, Jedis, what are you talking about? Oh, let's kill them. And yet they are the ones everyone's leaning on for like, oh, could you go solve this problem for us? Yeah. Yeah, could you go fix this crisis, please? Yeah.

What the hell? In the opening credit scroll, I believe they're described as guardians of peace and justice. They are. Who invested them with this power? Well, that's my big question I want to investigate into because all we know about the Jedis are the events that happen within these two hours and 12 minutes of film. Right? We have no prior context for who these people are. No, none at all.

They have a base of operations on the planet Coruscant where real estate must be primo expensive. But we don't know what district it is. Maybe it's like, you know. It's all one district. The whole plant's a city. David, the whole plant's a city. Do you know what school district they're in? Or are they their own school district?

They're district 10. So, yeah, they're in a big tower in the middle of Coruscant. And by the middle, I mean, I don't actually know where it is because Karasan is one big city. But it's somewhere in there. But it looks like they're... Or is it a pyramid?

No, no, no, no, no. It's a tower. It's a tower. Yeah, because it looks like... Because they have this 360... It's like a revolving restaurant at the top of a hotel. Exactly.

Thank you. But way higher up. Right, way higher. Basically in the clouds. Because the base is so skinny, it looks like it could only be an elevator to the top of a hotel. Exactly. Thank you. But way higher up. Right. Way higher. Basically in the clouds. Because the base is so skinny it looks like it could only be an elevator to the top. Right. It's the dumbest design in the world for a building you don't want to get blown up

by like errant lasers or spaceships crashing into it. Like how on earth is it not? If someone leaned on it, it would crumble. It looks so insecure. I probably, you know, fucking Plu Clune knowing him. He's a great Jedi but not a great architect. I mean, as we all Probably, you know, fucking Plu Clune, knowing him. He was a great Jedi, but not a great architect. I mean, as we all know. Yeah.

The great Plu Clune. R.I.P. R.I.P. Plu Clune is the Jedi who looks like a bug. He's got a caca roach face. Have you got all their names filed away in your brain? I got most of them. I have to look a couple of them up.

But, yeah, so we actually don't know much about the Jedi's organizing structure except that the bosses seem to be in this revolving restaurant room. Who anoints them with this power? No idea. They seem to have a relationship with the Galactic Senate.

But do they work for the Senate? Not clear. Do they answer to anybody? Doesn't seem like they answer to anybody, but they talk to everybody. Ooh. So much like... David's making money fingers. His fingers

are turning into money. Much like a religion, there is sort of... They are a religion, or a cult. A self-created sort of power structure and system, and they take on their own responsibilities and overseeing things in the community. Yeah, in the galactic community.

And I guess, you know, when there are big issues going on in the world, sometimes the president will call in an archbishop and a whatever. But it feels weird. I don't understand. We've been trying to talk about, and we talked about with Amidala, like Lucas maybe finding analogs in the real world for these things. The Jedi, in every way, are like the Vatican. You know, like they are like this sort of independent religious organization that has a lot of influence.

But rather than starting wars all over the place, I don't think George Lucas is trying to lionize the Vatican. Is he? Is this a- No, place. I don't think George Lucas is trying to lionize the Vatican. Is he? No, no. I don't think so. I don't think he likes religion. And once again, one could argue with our previous take on the film is Lucas saying that the bourgeois culture needs to collapse in order for true freedom to exist in the world. That everything has become ossified.

Yes. That Karasan especially has just become a bureaucracy where everything stands still. The Jedi Council itself seems pretty goddamn bureaucratic. Yeah, and really insular. Really insular. Like, oh boy, guys, can we just take it easy? Like, it's a six-year-old kid. For a group that's that diverse, they seem very, very... But incredibly diverse.

Very diverse. Very impressive. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, no, I'm just reinforcing. You're absolutely right. They're very diverse. For a group that is so diverse, they seem so exclusionary. They do.

Yeah. They're jerks. And, okay, so this is a good point. So I think you're right. It's all part of Lucas' whole concept of power eventually corrupting, even if you don't want it to. And just things rolling to a halt.

The Jedi Council, we only see them in a couple scenes late in the film. After Qui-Gon Jinn, one of their knights, who roves around the galaxy, has brought them a child whose blood tests, and we'll get to that, that's gross, have indicated that he has a high count of midichlorians,

which means apparently he is born to be a Jedi. They give him a couple tests, they ask him a lot of mean questions, and then they're like, yeah, he's too old, forget it. Now this is a big point I want to get to. It is one of the most unsympathetic scenes in the film, and this is a film that involves murder, impalement,

people getting chopped in half, starships blowing up, racist Japanese aliens, racist Jamaican aliens, racist Jewish aliens, racist other miscellaneous racist aliens oh which by the way you know last week you were saying you were surprised

that I wasn't spending more time trying to ape a Padme's voice for weird silted speaking stuff and the obvious answer why I wasn't going for it was because it wasn't a racist caricature of another group are you about to drop a bomb? Well, in re-watching the film

for now my fifth time in the last month, I figured out exactly who Padme speaks like. She speaks like South Park's version of Canadians. We in the Senate don't believe that. Right? No, absolutely.

Absolutely. The Trade Federation must come to a halt. Relax, guy. Committee. The only line I can hit with her is committee. Why does she talk like that? She's Canadian. That's my point.

She's Neboodian. So I'm just saying the Jedi are jerks in this movie. Yes. They're judgmental jerks. And Qui-Gon is a whole different kind of jerk. There's two jerks.

Yeah. But the Jedi Council they're like no we're not accepting any new members. They're like the Park Slope Food Co-op. You know.

They're up their own ass. This weird age thing of like. He's a child. How young are they supposed to be? Thank you. Thank you.

Is he eight? How old is he in the movie? Eight, nine? You're supposed to be three? What are they looking for here? Being a Jedi is like being a gymnast. If you don't start at infancy, then you're too old. And also, he passed a blood test, which seems to be 99% of it. It's like, oh, he's got the force in him so boom like like he's a jedi right so but i mean don't you want to keep an eye on him yes and to your cult point the age thing reads to

me as oh if someone has the abilities they have this blood disease yeah yeah they're in the running to be a jedi we need to get them before they form any sort of personality before any outset experience has shaped them in any way so we can mold them entirely to what we want them to be. And so they won't really have emotions because they seem to get really hung up on Anakin, this little boy, who, let's run down his life, born a slave, works for a Jewish alien racist slave stereotype. No father. No father.

Mother seems nice enough. Yeah. But she's probably a pathological liar because she's told him that there was no husband. There was no guy involved, which is not true. There's no truth. Come on. Builds robots in actually, the kid's life actually sounds all right. It sounds pretty rad.

He's a champion racer in an interplanetary racing forum. But then is taken away from his mother yes so that's a little sad and he was a slave yeah um met natalie portman that's a bonus um and then so they're saying like oh what are you angry you're angry right now like they're they're asking him things oh they no they know they say are you scared they ask him if he's afraid that's right they don't even ask him if he's angry it's just if he's afraid and then yoda goes well fear leads to anger anger leads to hate hate leads to suffering one who's this yoga mud yoda yoda i call him i don't even remember his fucking name this guy does not stick in my mind this is not a well-defined or memorable character he's a cg creation in the blu-ray

that i watched yes um he's i don't know what three feet tall he's like a green guy with alien ears and sort of hair, like gray hair. He's like a little guy. He talks like in this sort of- This weird Sultan speak I can't get the hang of. Yeah, this sort of phonetic nonsense. And he's kind of the- There's two bosses, it seems.

Yeah. Like there's two main guys in the Jedi Council. You got Yoda and you got Samuel L. Jackson, an excellent actor, Academy Award nominated actor. Yeah, surprised he took such a small role. He's got a few lines as a bald Jedi knight called Mace Windu. Maybe he has old friends with Lucas or something. Who knows? He seemed very interested in being in the project.

That's all I know. Yeah, I don't know why. It couldn't have paid that much. Exactly. It's a little confusing, but nonetheless, there he is. Both of them are grumpy guts everyone in this board is grumpy boy oh boy you don't even talk about kaya d mundy i don't know who that is he's the guy with the penis head he's the jedi member whose head looks like the tip of

a penis he's got a bumpy noggin that goes up way tall and if you rub it really hard come come comes out okay you mean he's the one who kind of looks like an Easter Island head. Yes. Yes, yeah. I know that one, right. And he, does he even say anything? Well, you know what I call

the Easter Island statues? Please go ahead. The circle of penises. Are they arranged in a circle? I didn't know. Oh, you're right. I was confusing it with Stonehenge. You know what I call Stonehenge?

Go ahead. Penis henge. Kaede Mandi. Does he even say anything? He thinks he has a couple of scant glances, a couple of lines. I mean, he says some dumb fucking expositional nonsense. The point is, he's one of only three Jedis who has lines. Right.

It's Kaede Mandi, Mace Windu, and Yoda. And all Kaede Mandi says, he just backs up their points, but with this very kind of stiff upper lip, aristocratic, judgmental. The kid is being interrogated by a circle of magical beings. Like, he can't even turn around without more of these motherfuckers being like, are you frightened? He's like fucking three million fucking miles up in the sky. Yeah, in the dumbest tower that like, if there's the slightest breeze it might fall over for all he knows.

He grew up as a fucking slave on a sand planet. Yeah, he lives in a sand hut. It's all huts. There are no tall structures. The biggest structure he's ever seen is the Coliseum

where the pod races start. To be fair, he did race in like 700 mile an hour races. So he has some experience with danger. He knows how to go fast but going up high is a whole different ballgame.

You're absolutely right. And I take everything back. Everything I say, it's wrong. You're absolutely right. He might have a fear of heights. Because pod racers, they go fast, but they're pretty low to the ground. Yeah. They're barely elevated.

Absolutely. You know? Yeah. And there's even one point where he goes up high in the pod race and he looks nervous. He's a little. Well, we're going to get to the pod race. That's a whole other episode. That's a whole other episode. That's a whole other episode.

That's maybe a two-parter. Yeah, maybe like a ten-parter. It might be a twelve-parter. Yeah, maybe like a hundred-parter. Yeah. That might be its own podcast. But he's in there being interrogated

by all these people and they're just looking on. Now, can I sidebar for a second? Because you asked me if I knew all the Jedis. Yeah. I was testing myself earlier today to see which ones.

How many are there in that room? It's a little hard to tell. Fair enough. The Wikipedia entry for the Jedi House Council lists every member there ever was. Oh, wow. That's an expanded thing. I'm really just talking about the one film that came out.

The prequel novels. There was all the supplemental material created around the release of the Phantom Menace that we're not interested in at all. But Mace Windu obviously. supplemental material created around the release of the Phantom Mass that we're not interested in at all. But Mace Windu, obviously. Sypho Dias.

Oh, who's that? Yeah. He's got like face tattoos. Okay, alright. He's got sort of like lines on his face. Okay. Then there's Evan Peel, who's like pink. He's got long Yoda-esque ears, but he's missing an eye. He's got like a scarred over eye. He's very short.

Played by an actor in makeup, which made me think, if we can just sidebar here for a second. Yoda, as you said, fully a CGI creation. I don't know about you, but I grew up with all these great... Jim Henson creations. Sci-fi movies of the 70s and 80s. Things like Willow, sci-fi fantasy of like the 70s and 80s things like like Willow sci-fi fantasy

love Willow the black hole legend yes yeah I love these practical animatronic and you brought up

Jim Henson Farscape sorry you brought up Jim Henson right the actor they have doing the voice of Yoda I looked it up

Frank Oz oh shit the voice of so many Muppets Fawzi Miss Piggy Animal why is he doing this like this I looked it up. Frank Oz. Oh, shit. The voice of so many puppets. Fozzie, Miss Piggy, Animal. Why is he doing this dumb computer blob? Give this guy a puppet. That's his strong suit.

He can operate that puppet. It's not like he's an actor. He's a puppeteer. And a director. Oh, yeah, a wonderful director. I'm sure he would be the first to say that, you know, it's not about doing a voice. As a puppeteer, it's the whole body because you're acting

through your hand. Now, to be fair, put him in a booth? I haven't seen lines. What's the point of that? All this lame character Yoda does is sit in a chair. It sounds very easy to puppeteer.

At one point, he is standing because he has a second scene with Obi-Wan late in the film. I forgot about that. He has like four scenes in the movie. There's three Jedi Council scenes and there's one scene at the end

where Yoda gives Obi-Wan permission to train. Gives him the green light. Much against his better wishes. Yeah. He does, ugh, fine I guess. He's really passive aggressive. Yeah. If you insist, I will let you train the boy. Right. Because that's a big sticking point too, is they go, we don't

want to take him on. And Qui-Gon goes, I'll take him on. Right. Qui-Gon, it seems, and I wanted to talk about that, is a bit of a fanatic, but also a bit of a radical in this organization. He's behaving in ways that they don't really understand. Well, his big sticking point is

he believes in this prophecy. Again, this movie is overloaded with insane exposition about these people that we barely understand. George. Georgie. This is the first film in a franchise.

Georgie Porgy. You've got to start small and build up. Georgie Girl. You give it too many details, we're not going to be able to keep track. Seriously. So we've got Jedi Knights, we've got the council, there's a blood test that suggests if you can use the force, which is a magical thing which you can use to fight people and brainwash them. Nothing good, by the way.

All their powers are really scary. Really scary. It's not like they can make candy appear. You know, like, it's not. Or can they? Or can they? We don't actually know. Oh, God.

All we see Qui-Gon do throughout the movie is brainwash people and murder people. Yeah. That is all that he does. He does this hand wave thing. He tries brainwash people and murder people. Yeah. That is all that he does. He does this hand wave thing. He tries to convince people of other things. Yeah. Oh, and messes with a chance cube. Messes with a goddamn chance cube.

Which, you know, like- Is nothing sacred? Yeah, exactly. If you can't trust a chance cube, how are you going to get any bets done? That's how we're supposed to make these decisions that are too big for mere mortals. What if it's a thing where you want to roll a 50-50 chance of something happening? You know, there's only one way to do it. It would be a six-sided die in which three are colored blue and three are colored red.

And then if blue comes up or red comes up, then you know who's won. That's the only way to figure this out. That's the only way to decide a 50-50 chance. What are you going to do instead? Pick something with two sides on it and flip it? I don't understand what you're talking about. I don't understand what you're talking about. How would that work? No.

You need a six-sided chance cube. Yeah, a chance cube. A chance cube. You know, the simplest form on Earth is a perfectly even sanded cube. Yeah. And those are so easy to create. Yeah. And impossible to mess with.

Yeah. You can't create a loaded one. Oh, well, actually, you can. You can't create a loaded one. You can't mess with them with the force of will. Actually, you can. Yeah. But still, you know.

Other than that, it's a perfect form of decision making. All good flying Jews have them in the Star Wars universe. Exactly. I'm sorry. In the Phantom Menace universe. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm saying the Phantom. No, no. I know what you're talking about. I know it's the Star Wars universe. Exactly. I'm sorry, in the Phantom Menace universe. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm saying the Phantom... No, no, I know what you're talking about. I know it's the Star Wars universe, but since we only got this one film, why call it the Star Wars

universe? It's the Phantom Menace universe. Right. The Phantom Menaceverse. Qui-Gon keeps on going on and on about this prophecy. This is some prophecy of balance to the Force. One Jedi is going to bring balance to the Force. I guess the Force is our balance. I don't know. It seems pretty balanced to me. No. I going to bring balance to the force. I guess the force is our balance. I don't know.

It seems pretty balanced to me. No, I mean, it doesn't seem great. What? What? The power isn't great. They all seem to be powerful. That's true. The problem to me seems to be the way the Jedi Council is choosing to behave.

Yeah. And the way that they're choosing to induct people into their strange cult. Right. Their strange, super legal cult. Right. So bring balance to the force. It's like, you know, be the change you want to see in the world, you know? In the world. Yeah.

Things go from the top down. Mace, Yoda, Yaddle, Plu Clune, Kaidimundi. I think there was another name you wanted to tell me. There was one name in particular. Oh, there is. You seem very interested in. This is a pre-show. Adi Gallia, Evan Peel, but this is the one I really want to tell me. There was one name in particular you seemed very interested in. This is a pre-show. Adi Galea, Evan Peel,

but this is the one I really want to tell you. Seifo Diaz, this is the one I really want to tell you. So this is the guy with the very long neck and then a head

right at the... He's got a bit of a Jedi Temple head to him or Jedi Council head. Maybe they modeled it after him. Yeah. He looks like a Q-tip. He has some of the most

expressive character animation I've ever seen because of course if a character has a really long neck it means their neck is constantly going to be moving. So in the background of every shot his neck is just wiggling. Just wiggling, right? His head is staying still and the neck is wiggling

while the head stays in position. And his name is I genuinely don't know what his name is. Yariel Poof Y-A-R-A-E-L Not a bad first name Poof

Now, David Yeah We're good friends? We are We've known each other a long time Yeah One of the things I know about you Is that you spent your adolescent years

Living in London, England. In the United Kingdom, that's right. Poof has a slang meaning there, does it not? I want to point out this movie shot in the United Kingdom. Uh-huh. Almost entirely. Yep. Now, poof does have a slang meaning in that country, does it not?

Is slang derogatory? Mm-hmm. Might be the word you want to use? Yeah. Yeah. It's an offensive word to mean a homosexual man. Interesting. Yeah.

Interesting you bring that up because I'd like to tell you what the name of the species that Yari Alpoo falls into. Can I tell you? Yeah, you can tell them. He's a Queermian. Oh, my God.

What? What? He comes up with all the names, right? From the home world of Queermia. Oh, my God. He's a Queermian male. Q-U-E-R-M-I-A-N. How did you not lead with this when we were talking about Jedi sex lives?

Queermian. I had to save it. Yeah, well, you did a good job. He is two litters away from just being called a Queerman. And his last name is Poof. It's Q-U-E-R-m-i-a-n oh god he's a queer man from the planet really just one changed vowel and then moved forward that's all you need he created a queer me an alien named yariel poof so we've spent a lot of time in the past talking

about the um racist yeah connotations of certain characters' behaviors, vocal patterns, names. Occupations. Yes. Interests in money. Goals. Circumcision strategies. Views on women. Yes. We thought it was just limited to race yeah to other cultures right is george lucas jewish but i thought he was jewish is he not jewish

i think he's not yeah anyway we can we can figure that out later yeah um but no george lucas also apparently hates people of different sexual orientations. What is the matter with him? What is the matter with him? I think that he literally, like when he's coming up with the names, he gets like a few good ones, like Darth Maul. That's good. And then after a while, he's like, I don't know, queer poofter, I don't know, whatever. Like, it's terrible.

Can I read a little description from Yael Pouf's Wikipedia entry? Yeah, I'll allow it. His backstory isn't that interesting, but I want to get into this. This is talking about the Queermian race. Yeah. Okay, some of the things that define the Queermian race. As a Queermian, Pouf's unusually long legs, body, and neck caused him to stand some three feet taller than other humanoid species. Okay.

Sure. That's whatoid species. Okay. Sure. That's what we saw. Yeah. In addition to his upper arms, Poof has an additional set of delicate arms which he hid under his cloak. Weird. Hid them. Secret arms.

Keeping something a secret. Possessing remarkable dexterity because of the extra set of limbs, Poof's sensitive, olfactory glands were located in his hands. Nose hands? Yep. sensitive olfactory glands were located in his hands nose hands yep poof has four hands and he uses them to smell things he had two brains one located inside his skull and the other in his chest it's pretty cool i saw this cool I don't know. We spent a lot of time talking about how unfortunate the naming. Why is it so much of the stupid Yoda guy who's just like, me, me, me, me, me. And Samuel L. Jackson phoning it right in.

He basically Skyped that performance in, except Skype hadn't been embedded yet. And then you've got a two-brained gay icon sitting like three chairs over. Hold on, hold on. We don't know that Yael Poof is gay. We know how George Lucas feels about gay people. Fair enough, fair enough. We don't know. Let me see.

Is there any mention of his personal life? You know how on Wikipedia when you look up an actor and you just scroll right to their personal life? The problem is his biography is so fucking long. I gave up on a point. Oh, he doesn't have a personal life because Jedis aren't allowed to love. Well, this is what you say at least. There's really no mention of that. None of them have relationships.

Name me one Jedi within the film The Phantom Menace that has a relationship, sexual or romantic with anyone. There's a couple of glances between Obi-Wan and Amidala. He's not interesting. No, he's not interesting. If he wants to, he could have had it.

I think that that might be part of their whole creepy cult induction thing. Get them while they're young and figure it out. Like, you know, just purge all the usual urges, interests

that a young person might have. I wouldn't be surprised if they were all creepy eunuchs. They might be. They say Jarl Poof was discovered as a baby. So he didn't even have a chance to develop sexually. So it's sort of, it's actually, when I was comparing it to the Vatican,

actually, it's sort of like a Tibetan monk thing. They're finding these people basically as babies. They're doing the tests, which they would do with Tibetan monks especially with the Dalai Lama where they ask them to identify objects that might belong to them even though they're children.

And... Huh? Ship. Speeder. And Anakin, we must know, who is a young slave boy we haven't talked about him much in this podcast yet because he's not fully a Jedi yet but he's a young slave boy who lives on Tatooine which is a young slave boy we haven't talked about him much in this podcast yet because he's not fully a jedi yet but he's a young slave boy who uh lives on tatooine which is a distant planet where apparently they don't have scouts you're telling me they had queer me and scouts of the second the yuriel poof was born they were like here's a and this is off the scale right apparently

he's higher than yoda which like i mean for all i know, Yoda's a damp fart, but everyone seems to be very impressed by that statistic. Grandmaster Yoda. Grandmaster Yoda, Jesus. Grand Wizard Yoda. But the point is, this kid's got off the charts midichlorians. Qui-Gon thinks he might be able to bring balance, and no one's noticed it until now. You're telling me they're going all around the galaxy

trying to find all these different, they find people of all creeds, colors, sexual orientations, socioeconomic backgrounds. And then just shut it all down. From the moment they're born and go, we're taking your kid. Yep. We're making him a creepy, dickless Jedi asshole. Yep. His job will be sitting in a poop chair in the tallest tower in Karzah.

Right. I forgot we established that they're toilet chairs. They're just pooping constantly in those chairs. Because they never stand up from the chairs. And then TC-14 brings them tea. Yes. Now, you brought up Yoda. Yoda, yeah.

Yo, Yoda. You brought up Yoda. We brought up Yoda a lot. Yoga, Yoda. We both have brought up Yoda. I think it's Yoda. Yoda. Yoda. We brought up Yoda a lot. We both have brought up Yoda. I think it's Yoda. Yoda.

And how his reputation seems to precede him. Right. His greatness, his authority, his power. Everyone's real hard on Yoda. Doesn't exert it that much, right? Now there's another creature on the Jedi Hot Council. Performed by a puppet. Named of Yaddle. Looks great. The proof is in the pudding right there. There's a puppet right next to you. Just do it as a puppet. Named of Yaddle. Looks great. The proof is in the pudding right there. There's a puppet right next to you. Just do it as a puppet. You got a puppet. You got a puppet. You can't just give the lady puppet the lines maybe. Who cares about Yoda?

You have the great Frank Oz. He has played women puppets before. He played Miss Piggy for goodness sake. Just get him over to the other side of the set. Stick his arm up Yaddle's butt. We know the hole is there because they're already pooping in the chair. Just stick the arm up the chair's poop hole. This is a real insight into

behind the scenes Hollywood filmmaking right now. Yaddle. Yaddle. Female Yoda. Right. Species Yoda's species. So queer meaning they came with a full name but there's still no is. There's no name.

I'm speaking like Yoda now. There's still no is name for species there is not. Why is that species mysterious? I don't understand. I don't know. Okay. I don't know. Yoda's species, okay?

Now, Yaddle, also known as the one below. I heard that. Does that mean she's one step below Yoda? Does that mean a woman is one step below a man? That sounds very regressive. But Lucas has shown nothing but regressive views towards towards all creeds and colors everyone his own everyone he just loves othering other people right it's a very othering movie okay so that's that's what i thought but then i went into this um yeah i don't let me find this whole fucking entry here.

Okay. There's a whole prologue I don't need to get into, right? But then, as part of a raid, as part of a mission, Yaddle was captured and imprisoned in a chamber deep beneath the ground by Tulak and subjected to various forms of torture. However, the green-skinned Padawan did not give in to Tulak's torture. Yaddle was still a Padawan at this point. Which is an apprentice Jedi we've established. Refusing to tell him. That's what Obi-Wan is, yes. Yes, refusing to tell him when the next Jedi would arrive

to challenge the brutal Adivas warlord after many interrogations. Yaddle simply replied that Turok's reign of terror would end. Tulaq, furious that Yaddle was not buckling her to torture, decided to keep Yaddle as a hostage even though she would not submit to question. What are you getting at here, buddy? This is so fucking long.

Yeah. Rather than keeping his captive, I'm jumping around. around tula cruelly imprisoned yaddle for life in her underground pit in case she ever became used as a hostage in the future um yaddle was imprisoned for a hundred years wow yeah here we go here we go yaddle stayed in solitary solitary confinement in her underground prison for over a century, and her only source of provisions were the wardens, who sent down baskets of fruit and vegetables for a time. However, as supplies on Coba ran low, the warden became so preoccupied with their own survival that they slowly forgot about the one below.

Wow. Yaddle's existence became the stuff of legend, though a few pitiful beings continued to send food down the shaft as sort of ritual. Yaddle relied on the force for survival. Okay, so, just again, why is this not the main character of the whole movie? That was my point.

Yeah. That's my point. Who is this Yoda motherfucker? Who cares? Oh, he got a high score on the blood test. Like, I don't care. Yaddle... I want someone with some pathos.

Has nary a line in this film. Not a line. Not a species. Nope. Not a... That's all I got. I mean, patriarchy in full effect here.

Yeah, absolutely. The one below. Now, we've been trying to say maybe George Lucas is trying to make a point. Maybe that's... Maybe there's a whole grand allegory going on here.

I mean, look, John McCain spent, what, five years as POW? Sure, and we salute his service. But we didn't elect him. He got close, but we didn't elect him. Not my president. Yeah, at all. Over a century down below, Jedi High Council, not the master. Do you think maybe everyone else is like, well, she only got on the council because of the whole one below thing.

She's actually not that great, but they're like, well, we all feel a little bad for Yaddle. They do. After the whole she was in prison for 100 years with no food thing. No joke. When Yaddle returned to the Jedi Temple and Coruscant, the Jedi Council determined that she achieved enough unity with the Force. Oh, yeah, you think so? Oh, yeah, they were like, oh, yeah,

it appears this all checks out. They were looking at their little checklist. Yay! I mean, you didn't actually give us a carbon of your W2, but we're gonna let that slide. Reminder, for a hundred years, the last ninety of which, they forgot to give you food.

And they're just sitting in their chairs the whole time. You were imprisoned and using the Force to survive. She somehow found a way to turn the Force into nourishment. Yeah, the Force, which seems to be mostly a way to trick people and knock them onto their butts. Okay, so since she had achieved unity with the Force, they decided that she did not need any additional training. Oh, good. Oh, additional training. Oh, good.

Oh, thank you. Oh, phew. We were going to have you run this gauntlet, this hurdle course, but you know what? You know what? Here's a chair. We got a chair. Yaddle, you missed a couple- Let's just hook it up to the sewage system.

One second. You missed a couple of classes, Yaddle. Yeah. So we don't know if we can pass you. Yeah, you've gotten incomplete in AP biology, but- Unfortunately, you can't just start up that class again because all of your teachers died in the century. Yeah, also, none of us know who you are. Yeah, none of us have any frame of reference.

The council proposed that Yaddle be elevated to the position of Jedi Master and offered a seat on the Jedi Council, even though she was still a Padawan. So I'm absolutely right. It was a total sympathy seat. Master Yoda, feeling that it was too strong a deviance from the typical Jedi code in Jedi training, was the only council member against Yaddle's elevation. What? This guy. Well, you know what he was saying. He was like, look, I am the one representative of Yoda's species.

Of Yoda's species. Which I named. I'm the guy. We used to be called something else, but now we're called Yoda's species. However, after examining her story and through a quick glimpse into her future, Yoda backed down, allowed Yaddle to join the ranks of the Jedi Council. This is like Gone Girl. You know, he's like subjecting her to this terrible, she's like still on the hospital bed, malnourished.

And he's like, were you really in prison for a hundred years? Key detail. However, through examining her story, not enough, and through a quick glimpse into her future, not only did Yoda think she had served her time, a little glimpse, down below, he had to take a little glimpse into the future and go,

let's take a peek. And he's like, are we married? What? We're not? Oh, yeah, right. Jedis aren't allowed to get married. Forget it. Yaddle is not the main character. That's crazy. This should be called the Yaddle. The epic saga of Yaddle. The Yaddle Mass. Yaddle is not the main character. That's crazy. This should be called the Yaddle, the epic saga of Yaddle. The Yaddlemas. Yaddle Wars.

If you want to start a franchise off on a good foot, right? Because as we say, Georgie boy, too steeped in the mythology. Georgie porch. Right. Not giving us just a good story. Because episode one, you want to launch off with some great characters that we all love, get us on board emotionally, and then you can flesh out the world. Instead, it's like, oh, here's this kid.

Eh, the end. Like, loose end, loose end, loose end. Yeah, episode one should all take place in the pit. Yeah, it should just be episode one, colon, the pit. The one below. The one below. Star Wars, episode one. Yaddle, episode one, the love below.

What if it was called Star Wars, episode one,addle episode one the love below what if it was called star wars episode one colon below star wars episode the one below anyway so that's the jedi council that's the jedi council they're crazy they suck they really suck in this movie they are obstructionist jerks. Yeah. And so, apparently the Jedis have an enemy, like a centuries extinct enemy called the Sith. They started on these guys. And there are two Sith. Always two. Apparently, they run in two.

You'd think they'd be able to figure out two guys. You know? You'd think that this galactic organization would be able to tackle two guys. Or maybe, you know, much like how a lot of us think that there should be changes made to our constitution. Oh, sure. You know? Yeah, except for the Ringling brothers are down there in Washington, D.C. running the show. Right.

Perhaps we need to update it, you know, with the times because some of these terms that were set out were antiquated. Yeah, a little old. Reference to the world we lived in at that point. Absolutely. Which no longer relates to the world we live in today. Maybe you go, oh, fuck. These Jedis have gotten it together. They have a fucking skyscraper.

Right. They hang out inside of a Q-tip. They got a queer dude on the board with them. Maybe we should change our rules so there aren't just two of us. Yeah, maybe we need more than two to take down the Jedi now. Oh, no, always there are two.

A master and an apprentice. The question is, which one was which? The Sith? I don't know. Should we do a whole other episode on the Sith? I don't think so.

There's really not much given. You don't have much to go off of. They seem very similar in training to the Jedis. Yeah, they're simple robes, lightsabers, 4C powers, knocking people over. But a real mean streak. Well, because it is established that Darth Maul is a Sith.

Yeah. And when they come across him, they go, we came across a guy in Tatooine. What was he like? His powers, his training, very similar to that of a Jedi, but not precise. Right. You don't think he could be a Sith. They've been dead for centuries. They've been dead for millennia.

Right. Yeah, exactly. Dead for centuries. And he's like, I got no other answer for you guys. Don't look at me. I'm saying look like a Jedi, smell like a Jedi, wasn't a Jedi, has to be a Sith. Right. And they were like, no such thing.

Yeah, they're just like, uh-huh. Well, yeah, maybe you saw it, but also, do they have cameras? No. This ship doesn't have any cameras. They could be like, oh, here's some footage of my also, do they have cameras? No. This ship doesn't have any cameras. They could be like, oh, here's some footage of my fight with the evil horned devil man. Oh, Comtech communicators? Jesus.

Let's not get back on the Comtech communicators. That's every character in the film. If you look, when they roll up their sleeves, underneath their Jedi robes, they have a little chain with a bunch of Comtech chips on it. So each Jedi has like a Plu Klun, a Boss Nass, a Sayo Bibble, so they can run those lines over. No Yabble, though, because she doesn't have any lines. Nah, TC-14, though. I have brought tea for your enjoyment. Oh, fucking Lindsay Duncan.

Yeah, bring me some tea. Bring me some shiny-ass tea, Lindsay Duncan. You're one of our finest actresses. You really get the credit you deserve. Oh, God, Lindsay Duncan. Are we okay? Yeah. My uncle, Jean-Claude.

Jean-Claude Van Damme? No, Jean-Claude Dauphin. Right. Told me he saw some BBC TV movie that Lindsay Duncan did where she played Margaret Thatcher. Yeah. He said not only was it a better performance than the one Meryl Streep gave in The Iron Lady, but he thinks it was the single greatest piece of acting he's ever seen. Yeah, yeah. And he said not only was it a better performance than the one Meryl Streep gave in The Iron Lady,

but he thinks it was the single greatest piece of acting he's ever seen. There you go. So. Just watch your back, Meryl. No less an authority than Jean-Claude Dauphin. Jean-Claude Dauphin. I've heard stories about that guy.

He's such a good guy. Shout out to Jean-Claude Dauphin, who will never listen to this. So the Sith. Yeah. to this. So the Sith. Yeah. Jedi enemies. So the Jedis have no enemies except for these Sith

who they dealt with a while ago. They're just bizarro Jedis. Yeah, they're bad Jedi. Bad Jedis. But I don't know. If the Jedis are so close with the government, why don't they just go like,

hey, government, just help us get rid of these Siths. Well, there's only two of them. There's only two of them. And they live in an apartment in Coruscant together. as far as we can tell. Yeah, there's that scene where they're on their patio talking. They're on their patio.

They're basically eating canapes and sipping champagne. Yeah. You've got Darth something in a hood. Darth Sidious. Sidious, right. Who I will say now on my 15th viewing of the film, call me crazy. Yeah? Wait a second. now on my 15th viewing of the film call me crazy. Yeah? But the lower

Wait a second. The lower sixth of this guy's face looks a lot like Senator Palpatine. I have no idea what you're talking about. What? Are you crazy? That's all you can see

under the shadows. Senator Palpatine's the helpful Naboo senator. He helps wait a second I'm saying it's a coincidence. He helps Amidala untangle the knotted mess

of the Senate and the bureaucrats. And he gets elected to a higher position. Yeah, which is good news. Chancellor. He's right there atotted mess of the Senate and the bureaucrats. And he gets elected to a higher position. Yeah, which is good news. Chancellor. He's right there at the end of the movie alongside the Queen being like, hooray, Naboo is free. Seems really happy about it. He

usurps the evil Chancellor Valorum. That bastard. That rat bastard. And, yeah, so I mean, Darth Sidious, he's the guy who organizes the trade blockade. He's very mean. David, I am not, I mean, Darth Sidious, he's the guy who organizes the trade blockade. He's very mean. David, I am not saying they're one and the same. Look.

Look, maybe it's just poor casting. We should check the credits sometime. That's all I'm saying. See who's credited as Darth Sidious. I don't want to do it right now. We've checked a lot of things on the podcast. I've taken time to look up things on my phone. I'm not going to do it now because who cares.

All right. Anyway, so there's that guy, older guy, and then a younger guy who wears black and red face paint. He has yellow eyes. He has fang teeth. He has horns on his head. He's a normal looking guy. Yeah, I like him. Darth Maul.

I like him. He doesn't have a first name that is given at least. Darth. They're both Darth? Is it just a coincidence? I guess it's a good point. It might be a title. It might be like Sir.

Yeah, exactly. Sir Maul. Dr. Maul. Dr. Maul. Yeah, exactly. Dr. Maul. Dr. Maul. Dr. Maul.

And so Darth Sidious mostly seems to chill out and talk to people on a holographic communication device. Oh, I know his first name. Greg. It's Greg Sidious. No, Archie is Maul. It's Greg Sidious and Archie Maul. Darth Maul, who is really excited to take on the Jedi. In his one line of dialogue, he's like, at last we'll have revenge on the Jedi. At last we'll have.

I can't do a good city, yes. I wish he sounded more like a different actor. Darth Maul says that. He goes, at last we will have. Peter Serafinowicz, I believe, is the voice of Darth Maul. Darth Maul is played by Ray Park, who is my English friend's high school gym teacher. Really? Yeah.

Who is an Olympian, I think. He's like an athlete. I think he was like a martial artist. Yeah, or martial, that's what he, right, that's right. Played Toad in X-Men. Later, after this. And Snake Eyes in the G.I. Joe duology. Not much of a talker, Ray Park.

Nope. More of an acrobat. No, more of a physical actor. Exactly. But he's pretty good. Yep. Would have been great in the Silent One reelers. Exactly.

Yeah. He has this one fight scene with Qui-Gon early on in the middle of the movie Tatooine and then later he takes on both Jedi with a double bladed lightsaber and

takes out Qui-Gon. Well to be clear in the first fight he also has a double bladed lightsaber. He's just choosing to only use one side. He will.

He knows that he really wants that third act reveal to hit. Yeah. He wants it to land. Yeah. He's a big believer in one size. He knows that he really wants that third act reveal to hit. He wants it to land. He's a big believer in Chekhov's gun theory. Exactly. But yeah, so the only real Sith purpose seems to be kill the Jedi. At least Darth Maul.

And he achieves that. He kills exactly one Jedi. Qui-Gon Jinn. One. And then he gets chopped in half in a very exciting, beautifully staged lightsaber battle with Obi-Wan. I think he chose Qui-Gon Jinn because if he had killed Yara El Poof, it would have been a hate crime. The Sith might be evil, but they are not bigots. No, they're not.

Exactly. They're very tolerant. By all means. Yeah. I mean, we got two guys chilling out in an apartment together. Who knows what they're up to. Where do you guys live? Downtown Coruscant. Downtown from what?

From the city of Coruscant. Isn't... What? I'm sorry. I just thought the whole planet was a... Who got to talk to them, by the way? Who is this character? This is their program. They're looking for a patio.

They want a place with a patio. Yeah. They're looking for a new apartment. Downtown Coruscant has a lot of crime, so they're trying to go to Uptown Coruscant. Yeah. The problem is if the whole planet is one continuous city, Downtown Coruscant eventually just turns into Uptown Coruscant. It's an infinite feedback loop, right? Can't it one continuous city, downtown Coruscant eventually just turns into uptown Coruscant.

It's an infinite feedback loop, right? Can't it be like lower hemisphere Coruscant? Like southern hemisphere Coruscant. Sure, but I mean, does the planet rotate? I don't know. Well, these are all questions we want answered. There should have been a side equal called Star Wars. And it's just about the guy who does plumbing.

City planning. Yeah, exactly. The guy who just designs the roads of Coruscant and the traffic patterns. Because you understand what I'm saying. If Coruscant goes on a first to a 100th street. It's a sphere. I understand what you're saying.

At some part, you're going to loop right back over it. The planet is a sphere. Yeah. There are no rivers. We don't. Yeah, I are no rivers. We don't. Yeah, I guess no. It's just lights. He made it clear.

The whole city. Planet is a city. Whole city is a planet. It works both ways. Yeah. So, I'm sorry, but it's just I do not understand the purpose of these characters. I don't either. I don't understand any of it except to just give us some sword fighting.

I guess that's the reason. look uh oh man we haven't even gotten into how crazy qui-gon is that guy is out of his mind he kidnaps a slave yeah by rigging an important race that's being gambled on by millions of aliens i have nothing to say that you. You're 100% correct. The man is out of his mind. You're 100% correct. That long pause was I was trying to build a new theory. Of what's going on here. Of what this movie's about.

We're talking about a grown man who surreptitiously snatches blood from a child's arm. And when the kid's like, ow, why did you do that? He's like, don't worry about it. Fuck you. And he hits him around the head. I agree with you on all counts. Absolutely. I have no ways

or means to defend him no and he deserves to die and it's great when he dies there was a new theory forming in my brain about what this movie is about

sure our fucking central question what is Star Wars Episode 1 The Phantom Menace you're right what's it about the fourth film

directed by George Lucas THX 1138 American Graffiti there's one other one I'm always forgetting and then Star Wars Episode 1 you're right what's it about the fourth film directed by george lucas thx 1138 american graffiti there's one other one i'm always forgetting and then star wars episode one exactly yeah um maybe it's about how uh authority should be derived from the people. Okay. Rather than from some bullet test. Well, there's so much time spent on the Galactic Senate, on the politics, the Queen. The red tape.

Senator, Chancellor. They don't get much done, but they don't get much done in a very civil manner. That's true. Whereas the Jedi fight a lot, and what happens because of it? They slash their way through whole planets. Yeah.

To maintain the status quo. They don't stop the blockade. One of them dies. One of them dies. One of two dies. In fact, the only Jedi Knight dies. They kidnap children because they feel like rules don't apply to them. In the same way that many priests molest small children because they believe I'm not disputing any of they believe they are being given power

from a higher god. They know who they have to answer to. The force. Right. They are not beholden to our common human laws. These Jedi's think that they are fucking hot shit. Yeah. They got this shitty blood disease so we're supposed to feel bad for them. Some of them

have been in prison for a hundred years. Right. So they're just living life Or have noses in their hands They're living life like everything's a fucking make a wish foundation day Jesus Christ Oh I can do whatever the fuck I want I'll rig a chance cube That's still the main one

It's the worst part But Qui-Gon does go on to Anakin about The force, the living binding energy It's so great But he might as well be saying like, yeah, Lord Xenu put a bunch of planes in a volcano. Yeah, right. He also might be saying, no, I, trust me

if you touch my penis, you'll have a better thing. Like, that sounds like, you know, that's how, like, pedophiles groom their victims. I'm not trying to be... Maybe that's why they're like, Qui-Gon, this kid is old. Do you have a crush on this kid? Yeah, he's like a little defined Qui-Gon. And he's like, you know what?

I'll train him. I'll train him in secret. You know what? It's fine. Yeah. I'll train him at my house. This kid seems scared. Yeah.

And this kid is frightened. And also like, what? Does he have parents? Like, we haven't. Where did you get him? Don't ask about that. His parents are fine. They said it's cool for me to hang out with him.

And they're like, Anakin, why do you feel scared? And it's like, I don't know, Qui-Gon's been running his fingers along the outside of my butthole for an hour now. And he said, I miss my mother. I miss my mom. I miss my mother. Why is this guy circling my butthole with his pinky? I'm just saying.

Yeah, absolutely. And the whole movie, Obi-Wan is like, can I be a Jedi? Throughout history, sometimes religious figures take advantage of their authority. Yes. Yeah. I thought you were going to say have sex with young boys.

Oh, always. No, always throughout history, religious figures have sex with young boys. Sometimes they take advantage of their authority. In other ways. Yes. Such as starting wars or repressing whole ethnic minorities or something like that. Right. In our first episode, we said maybe this movie is about politics.

Maybe it's about how politics and systems and the endless bureaucracy. Right. How it prevents things from getting done. Yeah. You know? Like the wire. Yo, you guys seen The Wire? How government is inherently flawed. Yes. And how it prevents actual social change. Yeah. You know? Like the wire. Yo, you guys seen the wire? How government is inherently flawed.

Yes. And how it prevents actual social change. Right. Societal change. And then in the second episode, we said that, we kind of said the same thing. Amidala.

Yeah. God, we're a bunch of It was the death of the culture. Exactly. The society, all of that stuff. The silly Tom Fuller. If you have the time to create decoys and everything, then maybe that needs to collapse. Exactly.

The death of aristocracy. This episode, I'm arguing the opposite. That maybe the Jedis are the ones who need to be taken down. Yeah. Well, it's about the ossified structure of religion and how it prevents any kind of advancement or change right so better to let the democratically elected officials yeah well those guys aren't great either we might need a revolution maybe we need some kind of like figurehead uh-huh who can lead the whole galaxy if you know what i'm saying you're saying you need like a new hope to come in. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. A change. We just need, we kind of need to brush a lot of old things aside. But you know, sometimes the only thing that keeps star systems in line is fear. Yeah. So I don't know. Maybe that's the answer. Maybe the answer is repression.

Yeah, maybe. Yeah, we'll see. We don't know. We'll see. I don't know. It's too bad he's never gonna get to make any more of these man how many more times

are we gonna watch this movie it's so many more times it's weird it's weird for how well this film did cause at the time of its release it was the third

highest grossing film of all time second highest grossing and still people were talking about a sequel for so long people lined up

to buy tickets it was crazy how people were so excited. The hype was huge. Huge. Everyone went to see it and then just stuck in development hell, apparently. I mean, we haven't really, I'll admit, we have done absolutely no research on the other movies, if they were ever planned, if anything ever happened with them. There must be scriptments floating around the internet.

What we've got right now is the Phantom Menace. That's all we've got. That's all we can go off of, unfortunately. Maybe in a future later date we'll talk about something else. But right now what we've got is the Phantom Menace. Maybe when we're 60. I don't know. If Lucas ever gets off his hind.

If he gets off one of his Jedi poop chairs. Yeah. You know what's so weird to me? I looked this up the other day. Producer Ben liked that. Yeah. Yeah, go ahead. I looked this up the other today because I just realized.

I spoke here. I said if Lucas ever gets off his hide and decides to make another film, I found out he sold his production company, Lucasfilm, to Disney. Oh, well, he probably made like what? Like five, six million dollars from that sale? A billion. Wait a second. For one movie?

Okay. He also produced the film Tucker, A Man and His Dreams. Oh, about the guy who made a car. Yeah.

Yeah. Francis Ford Coppola, Jeff Bridges. I think it's about 13 million domestic in the US. Got a couple Oscar nominations. Two,

I think. Dean Stockwell, I think, was nominated for that. No, Lando was nominated. Lando. Lando Calrissian No, Lando was nominated. Lando? Lando Calrissian.

Martin Lando Calrissian. I don't know where that name came from. The great Martin Lando Calrissian. Go on. I talk you 12 points. Oh boy. Yeah, he produced a few other movies Radioland Murders, Howard the Duck

Willow he did do the Indiana Jones films yeah I've heard of those they're fun there's like at least one of those yeah and well I mean I think maybe Disney

you know was like could have like you know gone back to the accountants, like, thought, like, eh. Yeah. Maybe shouldn't have taken Lucas's first offer. But, hey, there's a lot to play around with. You've got the nose hand Jedi and you've got, you know, Boss Nass. Like, there's a lot of things you can kind of expect. There are a lot of elements to play. Chance cubes.

Yeah. Why isn't Disney Selling chance cubes They should be selling chance cubes Every time I'm like Should I do this or that And I'm like What do I do Where are the chance cubes

As a former part time Disney store employee I can tell you Chance cubes would be Flying off the shelves You could price those things At the low low price Of $800

Oh my god Every household Would want one A jewel encrcrusted Chance Cube. One side, it's rubies. The other side, it's like- Sapphires. Yeah.

Sapphires. Yeah, you just need two different colors. Yeah. Maybe that's why Disney bought the company. Chance Cubes. Yeah, they were watching the movie and they were like- No, no, I'm talking- And then Watto takes out a Chance Cube and the guy was like, whoa, wait, what's that?

What's that? What's that? Get this guy on the phone. What's his name? What's his name? What's his name? Mucus. Maybe. No, maybe they bought it because they see potential in the Star Wars universe, the Phantom

Menace universe. Yeah. Or maybe, and we have to consider this as a possibility in Hollyweird, maybe they just wildly overbid on Strange Magic. Yeah. Strange Magic, man. Maybe they spent $ billion dollars on strange magic i thought it was one billion dollars really i have no idea i think it's more wow anyway uh

so the thesis at the end of the movie at the end of this episode rather as to what the movie is about i think is fuck everyone all power is bad yeah but especially like you know just because a blood test says it doesn't make itself that's true yeah so it's not like um an anti-vaxxers movie but like maybe he's arguing against the existence of stds could be maybe this entire film the meaning of this entire film is him trying to convince his girlfriend that he doesn't have HIV. Maybe Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace. Uh-huh.

She's like, I sense much anger in you. No. You seem like... Just because there's a blood test. Just because Dr. Poof said so. She's like, look, you're just afraid that I have HIV. Right.

And fear leads to anger, and anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering. That's the path to the dark side, whatever that is. Yeah. So maybe that's what the movie's about. Maybe it's blood. Blood always lies. Yep.

Power is corruptible. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. That's what I was about to say, yeah. I don't know. David, I don't That's what I was about to say, yeah. I don't know. David, I don't know what this movie's about. Well, you know what we should do? 15 more episodes?

A, yes. B, listen to the director's commentary. That's a great idea. Yeah. That's a great idea. Next week, we're going to have our first ever guest on the show. What? He is a man named Connor Ratliff. He is a wonderful uh comedian writer actor performer around town so nice uh and he uh has been doing a monthly show in character as george lucas he hosts a show called the george lucas talk show the guy who made american graffiti seems like

limited comedic territory whatever um but this is a man who's been living, because he lives his characters. He's been living out- As Lucas. A life as Lucas. So I think he's going to have a lot of insight into the psychology of Lucas. Yeah. And we're going to let Lucas, the man himself, speak to us through this commentary along with, I think-

Yeah, and talk about what he was thinking. Yeah. Probably going to be a lot of gibberish about other failed projects, but we'll just ignore that. The what ifs. Yeah, exactly. The could have beens. Yeah.

So that's in store for next week. Take out your Phantom Mass Blu-rays. Load on the commentary track. Can we start your engines? Start your engines. Can we get a sound effect? Rev your pod racers. Yeah.

$5 sake sake. Are we ending on that? No, we're not. Here's a real ending. I, Griffin Newman. I, David Sims. Love all people equally. Absolutely.

I love all people equally. I am no bigot. And opinions expressed in this podcast are only a reflection of how much George Lucas hates everyone. His sick mind. Sick fucking mind. Oh, God. What did I do to Lindsay Duncan? Oh, boy.

That's going to be a whole other podcast. Oh, boy. Is that it? That's a good place to end. Yeah.