Blank Check with Griffin & David - The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Episode Date: January 29, 2017

The debut of our new mini series on the filmography of Steven Spielberg begins with 1997’s Lost World: Jurassic Park. Post-Oscar wins for Best Director and Best Picture, Steven took four years off before directing this sequel. In that time he founded his own studio DreamWorks. Griffin and David would argue this level of creative control is the biggest blank check that any filmmaker has ever had. Presenting Pod Me If You Cast. But seriously what IS chaos math? Why does this film unfold similarly to a video game? What does Isla Nublar roughly translate to? Together #thetwofriends discuss the careers of Laura Dern, Vince Vaughn, Jeff Goldblum, convenient islands, life finding a way and a epic Pete Postlethwaite monologue.

oh yeah oh uh that that's how it always starts. Then later there's running and podcasting. That is the worst Jeff Goldblum impression I have ever heard. What did I just say to you? You said it was going to be bad, and I was like, oh, it'll be okay. I didn't just say it was going to be bad. I said it's my Waterloo. It's your Waterloo.

I always feel like- And you are Napoleon, let me tell you, my friend. I feel like I'm someone who should be able to do a Goldblum impression. It feels like it should be in my repertoire, and I've never been able to get there. Hi, everybody. My name's Griffin Newman. Hi, I'm David Sims. This is a podcast called Blank Check with-

Griffin and David. We are hashtag the two friends. Very true. Named as such because we are two friends and we host this podcast together. It's complicated. It's both of those things at the same time. That's what you got to track. You got to track that we are two friends with each other.

Yeah. And then also we host this podcast. It's a podcast about directors, careers. Yeah. Context. We look at filmmakers who had a massive success early on and then got a series of blank checks to make their own crazy passion projects.

Sometimes those checks clear. Sometimes they bounce, baby. Boink. That was a bouncing check. We do miniseries. Yes. Going through filmography, one film per episode. And today we are starting off our biggest miniseries to date

in every sense. Yeah. Scale. Yeah. Success. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think if you did cumulative gross. I think so. It's also our first time we have focused in on a part of a career. It's just too big a career to do it all. Will we do the other part? Probably. Someday. Maybe. Might. Maybe. Might go back. This is a miniseries about Steven Spielberg,

the most successful filmmaker of all time. Yep. That's not hyperbolic, right? No, that's by acclimation. Yes. By pretty much every metric, the most successful filmmaker

of all time. But we're not doing the whole career. Because starting with Sugar Land Express... Or even Duel. Right? but we're not doing the whole career because starting with Sugarland Express or even Duel if you count Duel that's always the big argument you count Duel right

it's what is it I mean it's like a lot of movies 50 movies it's not that much his third movie depending on whether or not you count Duel is Jaws becomes the highest grossing film of all time humongous. It was nominated for Best Picture. He famously does not get a Best Director nomination.

And there's this amazing video of him in his apartment watching the nominations, ready to be... Have we said his name? Steven Spielberg, I said it. Oh, okay. The most successful director of all time. Briefly afraid that we were... No, no, no. No, no, yeah, yeah.

I was laying at the track. You were going to talk about the Jaws studio, yeah. You know that video, right? I've heard of it. He's sitting on the couch, and he's with his friends, and he's like, I'm about to get nominated for Best Director. And he sits there, and they're calling out the nominees, and he does not get it. And Federico Fellini gets a surprise Best Director nomination.

Was that the one that knocked him out? Yeah. Fellini for Satyricon or something weird like that? I think it was the Satyricon. This is a great start. Right? But I'm charting a real specific thing, which is there's that video where he's sitting there in shock

because he was so ready to get a Best Director nomination. And he spends the next 20 years really chasing an Oscar. There's other stuff in between, but he really wants an Oscar, right? And he's pegged as this blockbuster filmmaker. He's a popcorn guy. A lot of people blamed him for making American cinema more childish, more base, right? Sure.

Which you could say— You can lay a lot of things at this man's feet. Right. You know, that's a larger debate to be had. Maybe not at the top of a new miniseries. Sure, but he wants that Oscar gold. And he comes close with E.T., gets the nominations for Close Encounters, gets nominations for Raiders. Color Purple famously was the most nominations to receive zero wins.

Oh, I see. Right. You're setting up the Oscar narrative. Yes. Of course. You're right. Right? I was doing something.

And then finally. Nodding vigorously. Finally. He's going to make Last Temptation of Christ Martin Scorsese is gonna make Schindler's List they do a Yankee swap

yeah and Stevie he finally hits it uh yeah 1993 he makes Schindler's List best director best picture

he wins right he wins both of those Oscars but earlier that year he releases a little talky called Jurassic Park. A two-reeler. A two-reeler.

Uh-huh. A mutual comedy. He does. And it's huge. Seismic. Big movie. And he made them both in one year. Right.

93. Crazy. Arguably the best year a director's ever had. He was doing post-production on Jurassic Park while he was shooting Schindler's List. How? What did he do? And two of the most seismic films in recent American history. And here's the thing.

Most directors we've covered had one movie that was so big it gave them the blank check forever, right? Spielberg, in this run of time, has like five movies that would have solidified a person's career for the rest of time. Jaws alone would have done it. Close Encounters probably would have done it. Raiders certainly would have done it. E.T. certainly would have done it. You know, same with Jurassic Park. But he's just like got so many blank checks here. He's not even cashing. He's producing shit. The stuff he's producing is blowing up. Roger Rabbit, Back to the Future, Goonies, Gremlins. Guy's got a golden touch, right? And then he finally gets that Oscar gold in the same year that he, like, once again. Was Jurassic Park when it came out the number one movie of all time? I think it was, and I think it was dethroning E.T.

Yes. I think he was Cameron-ing himself. He was replacing his own movie. Because Jaws was number one at its time. And Star Wars. Right. And then E.T. I'm pretty sure. I think three times in history he's had the number one movie in history. And Star Wars. Right. And then E.T. I'm pretty sure.

I think three times in history he's had the number one movie in history. Yeah. Which is pretty nuts. And what does he do? This amazing year, how has he followed up?

Four years, nothing. Well, he's... He doesn't make a movie. He doesn't make a picture. Excuse me. He releases the video game Steven Spielberg Director's Chair for PC and Mac.

You're right. That's something. But the bigger thing he's doing is he's building his own studio. I just did like a puppet master. Not even a shingle. Not even a bungalow on the lot. He gets together with a couple of friendly fellows. David Geffen.

Yeah. Jeffrey Katzenberg. Sure. Two power players. A cast off from Disney and a music mogul. Right. One guy's like the money guy, the business guy.

The other guy's the animation family guy. And they come together and they go, we're going to start our own studio. A director has never had that much control over a studio. There was United Artists, but that was like

eight people together. That's about the only one. That's sort of equal standing. And also no one's going out there making studios. That's a lot of shit you need. There's a reason people don't do it. Yeah.

But he does that, and you and I would both argue that is the biggest blank check that any filmmaker's ever had. An entire studio. That's our argument. Yes. That's our premise, is that DreamWorks, SKG, the studio he created that now is no longer technically a movie studio, more of like a sort of large shingle. Now it's like a little production company within other studios. But for a good run, it was a real movie studio that made many movies a year.

Yeah. And Steven Spielberg was the guy who, you know, he put his career down as collateral, basically. Because DreamWorks was going to have all the Spielberg movies, and that alone was enough to get investors on board. All the Spielberg movies, except for the one we're discussing today! Right, so we're fudging it a little bit. We are. Because the last movie we're going to cover is technically sort of post-DreamWorks. It is.

It's not a... Proper DreamWorks film. And this is technically pre-DreamWorks. But we're including this and what will be the last film in our miniseries. Just because they kind of bookend it nicely. Yeah, no, totally. Look, we're doing Spielberg post-Oscar. That's the biggest thing.

That's technically what we're doing. That's the biggest thing. Yes, there are things that he didn't totally make with DreamWorks, maybe. But pretty much, by and large, these are all DreamWorks pictures. And the big thing is, post-Oscar. And I don't want to hear anything about it. Yeah, don't fucking give us any guff about it. I don't want to hear guff. No.

I love music, okay? I like to put on some tunes and dance a little jig. But if you give me chin music, I'm going to tell you to mute that shit. This is great. I love it. This is great. This is a bold new direction. Also, hi, guys. Oh, hi. How's it going?

I mean, I guess we did split the week before, but... Yeah. You know, it's been a while since we've been in the rhythm. Yeah, sure. It's been a while between minis. It's been a while. It's been a while. But I think a big drive in this narrative

we're going to try to construct with this miniseries is also that he's won the Oscar. What does he have to prove anymore? Right. And he was someone who really wanted that Oscar. That was really driving him. And he's already made three humongous number one movies in history. In addition to so many other.

And he made Rage the Lost Ark. He made so many movies. And produced cartoon shows and fucking everything. At this point, we're just seeing Steven Spielberg unleashed. He's following his flights of fancy. His whims of what he feels like doing in the moment right and i think it falls into two categories steven spielberg changing our perception of what a steven spielberg movie is sure and i think that's when the films work when he does something that isn't categorically a spielberg film as we knew it up until that time. Fair.

The other half of the films, I think, are Spielberg trying to be Steven Spielberg, such as The Lost World Jurassic Park. I guess that's one explanation for this shit pile. You know those shitty Beatles cover bands where they're like, The Fab Four, and it's a bunch of guys in their 50s? Yeah. It's like a Paul McCartney joined one of those i well all right yeah my metaphor might be like you know how you can see the beach boys now but it's like just one beach boy yeah and then other guys who are just

sort of filling in the gaps we have very similar metaphors yeah yeah but i was just building on yours yours was good oh we're friends you We share this equally. Two. Two friends. But this is the first film we're going to discuss today on this episode is The Lost World Jurassic Park. And the name of this miniseries is- What's the name of the miniseries, Griffin? It came to us very easily. It came to David Sims very easily.

Pod me if you cast. Doesn't that just make you want to take a long drag on a cigarette? It's a nice little jaunt. Mini-series. It's an adaptation of the title Catch Me If You Can. No one's picking up on that one. All our mini-series are adaptations of other films. So.

The Lost World Jurassic Park. Good setup. Great. Here we are. So this is his first film back after four years that have mostly been spent releasing one CD-ROM game. Yeah. Spending time with his family. Yeah. Apparently. You know, spent releasing one CD-ROM game. Yeah. And constructing.

Spending time with his family. Yeah. Apparently. You know, I think he wanted to take a break. Yeah. And he's got like 28 kids. He's got a lot of kids. He has six children.

That's a good amount. No, it's a decent amount. That's a good amount of kids. He had married Kate Capshaw in 1991. Yeah. And yeah, I think, you know, it was after the whirlwind of making Schindler's List and Jurassic Park, it was time for him to spend some time with her. Yeah.

I don't know. And the kids. And he comes back trying to replicate 1993. 97, he was clearly like, I'm going to do it again. I'm going to pull another 93. Remember when I did Schindler's List? Yeah, well, that's the thing. And Jurassic Park?

He's like, I'm going to do Amistad and the Lost World Jurassic Park. Right. I'll give you your blockbuster and your serious Oscar movie. I can do it again. You can't stop me. It'll make DreamWorks happen. Right. That was the thing.

Because Lost World was at Universal because they had done the original. And Amistad was like one of the first big DreamWorks movies. The first DreamWorks movie is The Peacemaker. Is The Peacemaker. And then Mouse Hunt. And this, I think we're all in the first year. I think the 397 DreamWorks movies were that. Probably.

I can't remember. Not this. Amistad, rather. Yeah, those are the first three. Yeah. DreamWorks. Amistad's actually second. Mouse Hunt came out December 19th, as we've discussed previously on our Titanic episode.

I love to go hunting, baby. Yeah. So that's the story. And now, The Lost World Jurassic Park. Something has survived. Something has survived. It's me, Jeff Goldblum, surviving to act in this sequel to the original.

Ben, what do you make of this? Not good. Can you do a Goldblum, Producer Ben? A.K.A. the Benducer? A.K.A. Producer Ben? A.K.A. the Peeper? A.K.A. the Poet Laureate? The Haas?

Mr. Haasitive? Mr. Positive? Birthday Benny? Tiebreaker? Fuckmaster? Dirtbike Benny? Wet Hot Benny? Silken Wet Benny?

Our finest film critic. See you on the streets, greet you with a hello fennel. Certain titles? Graduated? No, I think Ben was going to say something. Yeah. He's graduated to certain titles over the course of different miniseries. Such as producer Ben Kenobi, Kylo Ben, Ben Icciamolo, and Ben Tate.

Say Benny. Say Benny thing. And? T-Benthouse? Benobtanium? What was the other one? What was the other one we were thinking of? Here's what's so annoying to our listeners. It's been like fucking six weeks

and we still haven't settled. But the problem is we recorded the last episode like two days ago. I still like Ailey Benz. I like Ailey Benz too. Well, Ailey Benz, whatever. There we go, it like Ailey Benz. I like Ailey Benz too. Well, Ailey Benz, whatever. It's one of those. Okay. We'll see. These things change.

Can you do a Jeff Goldblum? Well, yeah. Well, yeah. I think that can't be done. How about that? How do we feel? I mean, I feel like I'm throwing stones in a glass house. He's very hard to do.

He's hard to do. Can you do a call? No, no way. David, do a bloom. You've got to do a bloom. We're all blooming. It's Bloomsday over here. You've got to throw a bloom on the table.

Absolutely not. Do a little bloom. No. David, we've planted the seed, added the water. I'll think about it. I'm not going to do it right now. You've grown. Because I feel like some line will occur to me, right?

One of the great lines in this movie. All those screenplay lines. You know what, Ben? That's fair. David's a late bloomer. We'll let him go bloom when he has to. All right, guys, I want to say, I don't think we should say bloom, because we have discussed Orlando Bloom a tragic amount on this podcast.

We have. So I feel like that's crossing the wires. I don't think anyone has discussed both his career and his penis as much as we have. Some have discussed one or the other extensively. We've talked about both a lot. There you go. One's better than the other and I'll give you a hint.

The better one's in Oregon. The Lost World Jurassic Park. Oh, right. I'm going to set it up. Okay, cool. You had Jurassic Park, big hit. People liked it. Based on a book by Michael Crichton

about dinosaurs that are brought back to life on a Costa Rican island by a senile British man and then the dinosaurs chase some scientists around. Michael Crichton, the king of bad theme parks. Yes. So, Speely, old Steve, goes to Michael Crichton. He's like, Michael, Jurassic World did pretty well.

Do you want to write a sequel? Jurassic Park, please. Jurassic Park. Not Jurassic World. Jesus. We'll get to that one. Too soon. Too soon.

Always too soon. Always too soon. Let's also say, I just want to quickly, Jurassic Park, hot property. When the book came out, it was such a good fucking concept. They optioned it, I think, before it even came out. Like, they knew it was going to be huge. There was a big bidding war. Each studio had their director they were pushing for it.

So I think, like, Warner Brothers made a pitch with Joe Dante. Sure. I think. It's a different movie. Yeah. Someone, I think, had maybe Zemeckis or something. It was like four or five big genre directors each went in. And then the second Spielberg teamed up with Universal.

The other directors tapped out. They were like, oh, fuck. If he wants to do it, he's going to do it. He did it. Revolutionary. And it's a great movie. And we will talk about why the movie is great during this episode, I imagine, when we compare this movie to it. The opposite of what we do with our Star Wars episodes.

All we're going to do is compare this to the original Jurassic Park. But anyway, Stevie goes to Mikey and he says, Mikey, I loved Jurassic Park. The movie, it made a couple bucks. Maybe write a sequel? And Mikey's like, I don't write sequels. I'm an artist. And he's like, well, you should do it.

And he was like, oh, okay. So he wrote a bad book called The Lost World where he brings back Ian Malcolm. I mean, not Ian Malcolm. Yeah, Ian Malcolm. Ian oh, okay. So he wrote a bad book called The Lost World where he brings back Ian Malcolm. I mean, not Ian Malcolm. Yeah, Ian Malcolm. No, Ian Malcolm, yeah. The character played by Jeff Goldblum in the movie who dies in the first book in Jurassic Park.

Off screen or whatever, but he does die. Right. But he brought him back because I think either he was like, I have to bring him back, or someone at Universal was like, Jeff's interested, so he needs to be alive. I think he was also the character that popped in the original film. That's true. He was the fan favorite. Crichton said that.

Crichton said his importance is so great. We need him commenting on what's happening. We need this guy to be the sort of know askance view askew kind of guy yeah it's a kevin smith it a bit i think i think goldblum added a lot to the character that wasn't there on the page i think he turned it into something that popped a lot more than the character in the book did right although the character in the book was a good audience surrogate i'm not look i'm not a huge fan of michael creighton's writing although i think he's he's written a lot of cool like he's had a lot of cool ideas.

He's a good idea man. He's just not the most arresting writer to me. I think a lot of his characters kind of sound samey. Workman-like. Yeah. But like no doubt the idea of Ian Malcolm is really cool in Jurassic Park, in the book Jurassic Park. The idea of this person who's taking a zoomed out look at like what you people are doing,

not from some ethical perspective of like, oh, the poor dinosaurs, but more from like, humanity is just taking one step too far up Jacob's ladder here. We're not in control anymore. But then the added element to that was, you know, Goldblum always says in interviews when he signed on to the movie, they had conceived him as more of a straightforward scientist. And Goldblum said, I want to break the mold of how scientists are always shown in these movies where they're nerds. Can I be the rock star scientist? Can I be the one who's cool and cocky?

Right, and it's a great idea. It's a great combo. It's a really good cocktail. And we should say he's just phenomenal in Jurassic Park. And we should say the choice he made to take a couple buttons down,

A+. A+, his chest looks great. And then since then... But I would say that's also... The button scene, that's... Originally in the script, much like in the book, his character was going to die. And he was doing...

He was so clearly killing it on set that they were like, we got to rewrite this. So he comes back from the attack and he's not too damaged. You know? Yes. In between Jurassic Park and The Lost World, he'd made another two-wheeler. Independence Day, maybe.

Called Independence Day. Huge. That had done quite well for itself at the Fox office. Jeff Goldblum, a weird, eccentric character actor, has now starred in two of the biggest films. He's in two of the ten biggest movies of all time at that moment. And I'm not saying Jeff Goldblum isn't now a movie star, but Jeff Goldblum is not, I mean, well, Independence Day resurgence. Yeah.

This was a weird pocket of time where he became a very unconventional leading man. Exactly. You could put him at the head of a movie, and that was a good, bankable decision. But here's the thing. In both of those movies, he is- I mean, this is, to be fair, this is the end of that pocket. Right. 100%.

In both of those movies, Independence Day and Jurassic Park, he is a lead. Yes. He is not the lead. As we will, I'm sure. It sounds like you agree with me, perhaps, on the mistake this movie's making, but exactly. 100%. And he's your off-ball guy. You know, you've got your main lead, your more type A guy, and you've got Goldblum just

a little to the side, being like, oh, oh, oh, you know, like that. and he got Goldblum just a little to the side being like, oh, oh, oh, you know, like that. And here's the thing that he's able to do really well if you put him just off to the side. Ooh. He's able to bring the audience into higher concept stuff. Yes. Because he's saying the stuff that we'd be thinking,

our most critical minds. While being like, come on, you know. And he's got this really offbeat delivery, so even when he's doing exposition, it never feels kind of clunky because he's got these weird jazzy rhythms and all these little tics, and so it makes it feel kind of natural.

He also plays scared and nervous very well. He's good for a disaster movie, you know. And he's very human because he's so unusual. So yeah, you know, Jurassic Park, you got Sam Neill and Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum. Ooh, ooh. Independence Day, you got Will Smith and Bill Dern and Jeff Goldblum. Independence Day, you got Will Smith and Bill Pullman and Jeff Goldblum. There he is. Now, Independence Day, Will Smith is also kind of off

to the side, I guess, but he's cracking jokes too. But in a big blockbuster, especially something that's destruction-based or sort of fear-based or whatever, where there's a threat, if you're the lead, you're sort of the matinee idol in the movie,

you know, male or female, I think this carries through the other four actors you just mentioned, right? A lot of your performance is going to be slowly standing up and looking at something dramatically. Especially if you're in a Spielberg movie. Right? And then Independence Day cribs a lot of that,

the Spielberg looks, right? So here's what this movie does. Goldblum's best over-the-shoulder going, uh, that's not good. Right? Yep. And then Independence Day cribs a lot of that, the Spielberg looks, right? Mm-hmm. So here's what this movie does. Goldblum's best over the shoulder going, that's not good. Mommy's very angry. Hold on, I got it, I got it. Okay. Well, that's not good.

What the fuck? Look, it's a dinosaur. I think alien. I'm an actor named Jeff Goldblum. They call me Goldie. All right. Okay. I'm cutting it off.

So here's what this movie does. Goldblum. Here's what this movie does. Jeff Goldblum. Yeah. Number one. Yeah. You look at it on paper.

Julianne Moore, number two, and Vince Vaughn, number three. Right off of Swingers? Okay. Who we got in the supporting cast on this, David? Oh, my God, this, I mean Pete Possilthwaite? And we're gonna see this in Saving Private Ryan and in Amistad and like so many, it's just like

the like 18th lead is a someone you know very well. Peter Stomer? Right off of Fargo? I mean these people are coming off a big hit. Pete Possilthwaite off of like the usual suspects and in the name of the father. Yeah. Arliss Howard, I don't know what he's coming off of. Richard Schiff? Richard Schiff?

Yeah. Kind of pre-fame, but you know. Who else is in this? A young Camilla Bell? For one scene, a young Camilla Bell? I guess that's it.

I guess that's the main cast. Yeah. You have a little cameos by the kids from Jurassic Park, Ariana Richards and Joe Mazzello. Yeah. Got a little scene of Attenborough. Yeahello. A little scene of Attenborough. Yeah, you got a scene of Attenborough.

Oh, and of course, Vanessa Lee Chester. Of course. As she had been in Harriet the Spy and A Little Princess, right? She's in A Little Princess. Yes. As a child, she was one of my favorite child actors. When you're a kid, you like seeing kids on screen who like, feel like they, you know,

you can relate to and stuff. Especially in the 90s, I feel like they were more aware about that. They were like, kids like to see your Mara Wilsons or whoever's, you know,

yeah. And Vanessa Lee Chester was maybe my favorite. I was really, I mean, I loved Harriet the Spy and I rewatched that movie recently when I couldn't sleep.

That film is still very well directed. Vanessa Lee Chester rules in it. She's really fucking good in it. So I remember being really excited that she was like, oh, she's in fucking Jurassic Park now. And her career kind of ends right after this.

Yeah, she's in She's All That, but in a small role, I think. And that's kind of it. She's in TV shows after that. She still makes TV shows. She was in Scorpion just last year. So she's around. I think she suffered a little

bit of the Jake Lloyd thing in this, where people really hated her character. Not maybe as extreme as Jake Lloyd, because there's less of her in the movie. Her character in this movie... Well, the movie's a problem. The function of the character is really annoying. The function of the character is stupid, and that should have been taken

out at first pass. And I think part of the problem is,, and that should have been taken out at first pass. And I think part of the problem is, one, they were making this quickly. Yep. Two, they were making it based off a really terrible book that was also made quickly. Yeah. Three, David Koepp wrote it, and he's a bad writer. Yeah. And four, yeah, like, no one was going to edit them much anyway, because who cares?

It's Jurassic Park 2. We're printing money. It doesn't matter. We are literally printing money. It doesn't fucking matter. It could just be the T-Rex just like howling for 90 minutes. It'd probably do fine. It'd kill. So my guess is

this wasn't really like, they didn't go through because like a script pass, you're going to be like we don't need the kid. The kid's really superfluous to this, right? Maybe Spielberg really wanted the kid. They said in earlier drafts the two original kids were in the whole movie. I think in the book the two original kids are in it. I haven't read it.

I did read it. They wanted a new kid. I was just going to say quickly before, I'm sure we'll get back to her again later. The thing I think Vanessa Lee Chester had going for her where she didn't spiral out as much as Jake Lloyd is her performance isn't bad in this. People just hate the fact that her character's in it. Jake Lloyd had a double whammy where it's like this character sucks and the kid playing it sucks. You know?

Right. But Vanessa Lee Chester I think was just left with a little stink on her because it was such a high profile. That's fair. What the fuck are these scenes? I don't even want her to be here. You know? Mm-hmm.

But yeah, I mean there's a weird phenomenon where original book adapted into a movie. Movie takes liberties, kind of pluses the material, makes it into something different. And then they go back to the original novelist and go, can you make a sequel? And now the novelist is kind of making a sequel to the movie. Right. And they're writing a book knowing that it's just so that someone can adapt the screenplay. But the other thing is the novelist has also decided to sort of pay homage to arthur conan doyle's 1912 or whatever book the lost world which was also adapted into a movie which is about like

an island of dinosaurs right where they just roam free and so you're like okay and then steven spielberg reads this book and he's like cool but like also can we have a t-rex in san diego he just has some disjointed like larger i've always wanted to make like a godzilla movie right so that'll be fun right and they're like oh okay so let's kind of tack that on at the end there and so then you get this matt's this this it's just it's a shit sandwich all right before we get to the movie or no do you want to say something um i just want to say another example this is is thomas harris with hannibal which everyone wanted to make a sansa lamb sequel He finally wrote the book, and the book was like all these weird...

Well, the book people were like, oh, no! No! We can't film this! And they fucking filmed it. I mean, and they took out some of the worst shit, but they took out the anal stimulation of a corpse to make sperm, but, you know, it's mostly there. And people forget this. She doesn't eat the brain, though.

She doesn't eat the brain. In. She doesn't eat the brain. In the book, she eats his brain. With the spoon. People forget this, but in the book, there had always been a question of, like, would Anthony Hopkins want to play Lecter again? Because he had sort of been, like, cagey about it. Yeah, and the book asked that question. In the book.

No, seriously. In the book, they set up that Hamill Lecter had a lot of plastic surgery done so that they could have a different actor play the role if necessary. Oh yeah, that's right. Which is like the weirdest example of the novelist of a book writing around an actor who might not do the movie that's based off the book he hasn't written yet. Another movie that Julianne Moore

is in, by the way. I know. Another crappy sequel that Julianne Moore is in. She's got bad luck with this. They should have had Clarice Starling get plastic surgery. She's the one who actually gets replaced. Anyway. Do you think this is, here's my question, before we begin talking about the story of this great film. The Lost World! Jurassic Park!

Do you think this is the worst Jurassic Park film of the four? No, I don't. Which do you think is the worst? Jurassic World. I agree. Do you think this is the second worst? Like, do you like Jurassic Park 3 better than this? I certainly do.

I think it's a much better film i think i do i think jurassic park 3 benefits from it doesn't have this peelberg touch right no no which i think this is a an immaculately constructed series of terrible ideas this movie i watch the actual is too strong but there are certainly some very good bits i think this movie's very well crafted and And even just in the bad moments. No, it's not. No, it's not well crafted. No, it is not.

That is crazy. On a cinematic language level. No, I disagree with you. But we'll get to that. Okay. I just think it's a horrible screenplay full of bad ideas that are totally disjointed. I think it's dramatically inert. It is.

I think it's a classic example of and then rather than therefore or but. There's that rule of storytelling right? In screenwriting where it's like if the series of scenes connecting them is just and then this happens and then this happens it's not a propulsive story. It should be because the last thing happened therefore this next thing happens or

but this happens. It's also the longest Jurassic Park movie. Really? 129 minutes. Not even that long. Not even that long although it feels long. Really? 129 minutes. Not even that long. Not even that long, although it feels long. This one feels really long.

Jurassic World is 124, Jurassic Park is two hours even, and Jurassic Park 3, in my opinion, one of the reasons it's so good, is 93 minutes long. Yeah. That's the thing I like. It's a taut, fun action movie

with a few characters who run into some dinosaurs. Jurassic Park 3, boom, boom, boom. I think the benefit is it feels like. Stakes are low. Yes, and it feels like a later universal Frankenstein movie. Right.

Where they're like, we're not making these prestige anymore. This is like a burner. And I think that's what Spielberg thought he could do with this. Yes. What if I just make a Godzilla, like a fun monster sequel? Right. But he can't. He can't make a stripped down movie.

Well, it's also Spielberg. Spielberg? No. No. Certainly not in the last not in this era that we're going to come. Agreed. And Spielberg, I think, always fails when he tries to direct with one arm behind his back. When he's like, I just want to do this. Sure, sure. Rather than fighting at the top of his weight. Like, at the top of his

intelligence. Yeah, and maybe he wasn't, like, going through the story over and over again and being like, well, we need more of an arc and we like need more of something for more of this movie to be like about. Right. Anyway. But I think anytime someone says something like, I'm just trying to make a monster movie, it's like that doesn't mean the story shouldn't work. Yeah, totally. But they start to make those excuses.

Yeah, well, we talked about this before. Like George Lucas talks about this, you know. And Shyamalan certainly. It's just a B movie. It's a B movie. Right. No. Lucas talks about this, you know, has this defense a lot.

It's just a B movie. It's a B movie. Right. No. But the other thing is, and I think this is inherent, Jurassic Park 3 works because I think it's actually the best hook for a Jurassic Park sequel of the three. It's a good setup, right? The setup is fine. Yeah.

If, I don't know, it's a little half-baked, but it's fine. Well, but this is what I was going to say. It's a good setup, but I think it has been proven to us time and time again that Jurassic Park is a one movie concept. It is. I don't think there is a great Jurassic Park sequel that could possibly be made. Probably not.

Without completely diverting from the source material and going in a crazy alternate direction. There was that rumor... What about Jurassic Underground? Yes, that's what I'm talking about. And it's about dinosaurs that live in the earth. There was that like John Sayles script for Jurassic Park 4 that was always sort of legendary

where they said like, we can't crack Jurassic Park 4, so write whatever the fuck you want. And he wrote a movie where a scientist made like half velociraptor, half human commando agents with guns strapped to their arms who like went in and were like were, like, a black ops team. And it's, like, whether or not you think that idea is good, I think that's the only way you could make a good Jurassic Park sequel is just to be like, fuck it, we're blowing the whole thing up. Yeah, I would be interested in a Jurassic Park sequel set, like,

a hundred years in the future, where this technology has somehow, like, overrun in some way. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Here's, alright, what about this? Jurassic Park's about discovery. The first movie's about discovery. It's about learning the rules of the world and then subverting them. And once we already know,

once we've already seen things go bad, that tension is gone. Yeah. We can never have a Jurassic Park movie that ever- That's true. Sells the idyllic part of it before the terror.

Right, yeah, and we'll talk about, so yeah, so Lost World, I guess, yeah, it's a movie about nothing in particular,

but I guess it's about, like, something has survived. What if we had to go back there and clean up our mess? I guess, yeah, it's a movie about nothing in particular, but I guess it's about like something has survived. What if we had to go back there and clean up our mess? I guess. But it's like, what if like we can't decide what the reason to go back there is? So we're going to have like three different factions that are back there for different reasons. Reasons none of which make sense.

No. Because like, here's what should happen in Jurassic Park, the Lost World. Yeah. Richard Attenborough should say, have lunch with Jeff Goldblum and say, like, so, you know, there was this other island where we bred the dinosaurs. And, you know, then we would ship them over to the main island. And now they're just breeding on that island. And Jeff Goldblum would say, is there any way for them to get off the island?

He'd say, no. And he'd be like, great. Let's never go there. Yeah. The end. Yeah. We won't go there. Yeah.

Shall we not go there? Yeah. Okay, good. End of movie. Here end. Yeah. We won't go there. Shall we not go there? Yeah. Okay, good. End of movie. Here's the thing. And it still would have made the same amount of money. I mean, that's the irony.

If that film had been released and it was five minutes long, it still would have made like 220 minutes. What if it was 90 minutes long but then it's just the rest of their lunch? And then he's like,

so like, catching up. Yeah, what's up? Excuse me, sir, would you like a refill? Did you like the English patient? I thought it was okay. I don't know if it needed all those Oscars.

I would have voted for it, but it was good. Sir, I'm a waiter. I'm standing right here. Treat me like a human, please. Would you like a refill? Sure. Thanks. Ben Hosley was good in Jurassic Park The Lost World.

So good. No one talks about that. He's probably the best performance so Jurassic Park 3 really real it got bad I was just gonna say even in you setting up how quickly the movie should resolve its own problem

saying there was another island where we bred the dinosaurs and then shipped them over is so sweaty yeah it is even the very set up is sweaty of like why would you the transporting a dinosaur is gonna be so fucking. It's why they need Richard Attenborough because he can just

about sell it because you're like, hey, it's the guy he knows because he found a Jurassic Park. If anyone can tell me this, it's him. And notably, he dies in the first book. Yes, he does. In the first book, the character is a little more of an asshole. He's a little more of a Ford in Westworld

if you will. Yeah, or like a Dr. Moreau. He's a little creepier. And when he dies, he's like, it's like he's going like, eh, it was the kid's fault. Like, we'll just do it again. Jurassic Park will be fine. And then the little compies eat him, and it's good.

They made him more of a genial grandfatherly figure. Spielberg loves Richard Attenborough, and obviously, yeah, wanted to give him this sort of like, yeah, fatherly role. Yeah, and Richard Attenborough and obviously, yeah, wanted to give him this sort of like fatherly role. Yeah. And I think the one kind of like funny idea in this movie is him being the most sued man in history. Sure. Which I like.

But I mean, and I think it also it works in this movie that he's like, absolutely not. No Jurassic Park can ever exist. I will not be the villain. I'm not gonna trade like because we wouldn't buy it like after seeing Jurassic Park we're not gonna buy that he's gonna be like no no no it could totally work like yeah yeah Jurassic Park though uh so the movie basically starts with yeah him well no okay it starts with the compy attack scene on poor Camilla Bell it's a pretty good scene yeah it's fine I mean's in, I think they thought about putting that.

That's the other problem with this movie. A lot of this stuff was stuff that they thought about having in the first movie and cut for time or whatever. And they were like, oh, well, now we can do it. This movie feels a little like one of those Blake Edwards Pink Panther movies where they couldn't get Peter Sellers. So they were like, let's use outtakes from like. There's a Pink Panther movie after Peter Sellers died. That was all scenes that were cut wholesale from previous Pink Panther movies.

And the wraparound is someone going like, we cannot find Clouseau. It's like, because the actor died. He died of cancer. That's a bummer. Yeah. But some of this movie feels like that, where it's like, this just feels like deleted scenes

from the first Jurassic Park with some wraparound footage of Goldblum. Curse of gold blue pink panther yeah so i have this question for you guys yes all right well it's really it's let's say it's more of a thought okay all right so you're going into it you're going into you got the second jurassic park movie right so it's like you got dinosaurs again what do you do yeah you can't just go bigger. No. You go younger. Baby dinosaurs. This movie has a lot of young dinosaurs. It's got some baby dinosaurs. But also, you add more. Yeah.

End quote, Ben Hosley on movies. Fine, don't critic. Tension 2016. So, Jurassic Park, The Lost World. The Lost World, Jurassic Park, something has survived. Correct. Jurassic Park The Lost World The Lost World

Jurassic Park Something Has Survived correct so you've got a little compy attack in some Costa Rican vacation oh no

well constructed Spielberg sequence I mean you just see dude's a master of blocking and staging does she die do we know we don't see her die

well that's where you get a little Spielberg-y because in Jaws he has the boy erupt in a geyser of blood but at this point he's got a lot of kids he's got some kids and he said like I don't know if I could have made Jaws, he has the boy erupt in a geyser of blood. But at this point, he's got a lot of kids. He's got some kids.

And he said, like, I don't know if I could have made Jaws. I don't like putting kids in danger in the same way. You know, if I had kids. Right. So he, like, takes you right up to the line. He tows you right there. And then it's like. According to Wikipedia, she survives.

But they file a lawsuit against Hammond. Yeah. Hammond summons Ian Malcolm. Oh, I have been summoned. No, Ben, no. Shut up. Something has

well, survived. I mean, you're getting the diction right, just not the voice. I mean, look, dude, you want to step up to the plate. David. You can silence us all. I'm a critic, baby. Critics criticize. Only until you get on Mad TV

and then we'll see the tables turn. Uh-huh. So he brings Ian Malcolm and says, so there was this other island, Isla Sorna. And do you know what that means by the way? No. Sweaty premise? Sarcasm island. Oh, fuck that. Seriously. Are you fucking kidding me? That Sarcasm Island. Oh, fuck that. Seriously.

Are you fucking kidding me? That's what it means. Oh, fuck this movie. That's fucking Crichton's fault. I don't know why he called it that. Yeah, Jesus Christ. And people will write Cameron over the coals for unobtainium. Oh, God. We should be protesting. Sarcasm Island. Fuck that.

Are you kidding me? That sounds like a really cool island. Yeah, if that was the actual... If we actually saw Sarcasm Island. Fuck that. Are you kidding me? Because Isla Nublar. Oh, that sounds like a really cool island. Yeah, if that was the actual, if we actually saw Sarcasm Island. Great island. You get what he's doing? Yeah. Isla Nublar, which is where the original movie and Jurassic World is set. Yeah.

That means Island of Cloud. Okay. Sure. Isla Sorna. Sarcasm Island. All right. Well, so he says there's this other island. We bred the dinosaurs there.

And now it's like overrun with dinosaurs. But he's excited. He's like, it's great. They just have established their own ecosystem. And life has, as you put it, bound away. They're just surviving. And we're all like, oh, God. Are they just going to do all the fucking catchphrases from the first movie?

It almost feels like a video game storyline, doesn't it? Yes. Right. Where you're like, yeah, I know there's some reason I have to fight dinosaurs. So can you just like get this over with quickly? Yeah. And so his idea is, why don't you, a chaos mathematician. Yes.

Not a paleontologist, not a biologist not a chaos mathematician yeah is that a thing david i sure yeah he's like a professor of math he's not however uh you know someone who documents wild animals right but he's like why don't you go to this island and like document it so that we can rally public support for no one to go there. As if there's like people clamoring like, let's go to like after the horrible deaths at that island, let's go to another one, a bigger one. What's also like, okay, if your goal is make sure people don't go there, maybe just tell as few people as possible that it exists

because right now they don't know about it. Okay, so that might be a cool sequel, right? Sure. Okay, so here's the sequel. Forget so that might be a cool sequel, right? Sure. Okay, so here's the sequel. Forget all the characters from the original movie, right? Done. All of them are gone. They're not in this one.

Yeah, cool. And it's instead about these people who have been conspiracy theorizing and found out about this original disaster on Isla Nublar. Yeah. And so they try to fucking get there because it's like those weirdos

who go to Chernobyl, you know, and they get in trouble. Right. Yeah. Like that might be a cool movie. Much better idea. I mean, I guess it's sort of what Jurassic Park 3 is about. Jurassic Park 3 is the kid accidentally. His plane crashes.

But then it sort of revealed that like they maybe were up to up to no good. Yeah. Which I don't like. Yeah. You almost wish it was just like an accident. The better premise, which is a good Jurassic Park sequel idea, even if the movie isn't great, it's like a good hook, is kid accidentally

crashes there, the parents find Alan Grant and they go we know you survived this island, we have to get our son back and you take us there. Yeah. Then it turns out they're in it for the money or some fucking bullshit. It's better if it's just the emotional survival story. I agree. Or Amelia Earhart is revealed to still be alive and she's trapped on the dinosaur island.

I mean, that's good. That's good writing. But did you play by Amy Adams or Hilary Duff? I mean, Hilary Swank. Amy Adams was so good in Night at the Museum. Balfour is the most funny. Okay. So that might be a cool idea.

And then maybe you can have Ian Malcolm show up halfway through the movie because he knows this is happening. I don't know. You know what's a good sequel idea contained within this movie that I think could be its own movie if that was the main thrust of it? Sure. Poachers find out that there's an island of dinosaurs. That's another- They just want to go there.

Another good variation on the same idea. The problem with that, of course, is how do you sympathize with a poacher? Well, that's the question. Right. But if you put all your energy onto the poachers, you could find a fucking way. So anyway, Ian Malcolm- They didn't even explore. They could have done a whole courtroom movie just about him getting sued.

Yeah. That would have been interesting. Ben, I'm going to kill you. He's our finest film critic. He is our finest film critic. David, he's our finest film critic. Watch your mouth. So Ian Malcolm is like, so yeah, Richard Attenborough is like, yeah, you should go.

Ian Malcolm is like, no. He's like, look, I got a good team. I got a photographer. I got a great team. Great team a photographer. I got a great team. Great team set up. You know Richard Schiff? You met this guy? He can carry a gun. A beardless

Richard Schiff. Richard Schiff. You know how Richard Schiff is always kind of schlubby? Schlubbier. We schlubbed him up. You know how it always looked like he kind of had a chin? He doesn't, and now you'll get to see it clearly. Richard Schiff might as well just wear a red shirt that's written with, it has dead, walking corpse on it.

This guy is going to die. Then Vince Vaughn, Chicago's greatest photographer. I've hired Richard Schiff, who can drive a Jeep. Vince Vaughn, who can operate one of those digital cameras. Yeah. And your girlfriend. Who apparently you never talk to. Not your ex-girlfriend.

Your current girlfriend. Your current girlfriend. Who's already been on an island for three days. She's already on a helicopter. She went to the place that you every night presumably wake up screaming in bed. And she goes, what's wrong? And you go, I can't stop thinking about Jurassic Park. I saw a dinosaur and it tried to eat me.

That's what's wrong. I would be dead if I wasn't doing so well in the dailies that the studio was watching. Now, I kind of like the idea that he seems to have rebounded from being jilted by Laura Dern, who he was hitting on in Jurassic Park, but they never get anywhere. But famously, Dern and Goldblum hook up after the movie.

No, good for them. Yeah. But he's- That's some gangly sex, I think. Rebounded onto a similarly sort of like, you know, pale 30-year-old-ish- More age-appropriate this time. Paleontologist. Yes.

Like, he just found like an- I mean, how many fucking paleontologists are there out there for Jeff Goldblum to try and date? Working player, one of the same for Ian Malcolm. That's what we're seeing, right? So she plays Sarah Harding. A great character. And yes, she's nine years younger than Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore. So, you know, whatever. Wasn't Laura Dern like 22 in the first Jurassic Park?

No, that can't be true. She's so young. What are you talking about? Because she'd been in Blue Velvet that's like fucking 10 years earlier. Blue Velvet was 89? No, I think it's 86. It wasn't 10. She was born in 67. So, do the math.

Because I can't be bothered. She's like 27, 28. 20 comedy points. Yeah, that's good. She was born in 67, and Jeffy Goldblum was born in 1952. So he's narrowed the gap. A little bit. You know, whatever.

Look, he's a Playboy Chaos mathematician. But it's like, you know, Jurassic Park at its time was kind of a big deal because it was like a massive blockbuster that didn't really have quote unquote movie stars. And I think that is a trick Spielberg loves to pull. Yes. And he also loves to fill out these kinds of movies. He did it with Jurassic Park. He does it with Saving Private Ryan. Yeah.

With guys who almost look like they're like could be the real guys rather than you have to just stretch and be like, yeah, no, I totally buy that. You know. But it's this idea. Garrett Hedlund is a fucking archaeologist or whatever. Well, that's his idea is like if the premise is so good, right? If the script works and it's a great hooky premise. Hooky. Then just cast the best actors.

You don't need movie stars who can bring you there. You don't need personas to kind of overwhelm the movie. Get the people who play the parts. Right. Goldblum was the biggest star of the three. Yeah. Right?

But wasn't working on films of this scale. Laura Dern, Oscar nominated, but very much like a drama actress. Sam Neill was, yeah, he was in the piano that year. Right.

And this, he tries to do a similar thing because like, Julianne Moore was kind of like art house darling. Yeah, she'd been in like Short Cuts and Boogie Nights. She just was going to get the Oscar nomination this year.

That was her first Oscar nomination. Yeah, so she hadn't been in much. Vanya on 42nd Street. She wasn't doing big, big movies. Not at all. And Vince Vaughn, he was like that Spielberg seeing swingers, probably seeing dailies of swingers and being like, this guy is obviously going to be a big deal. So let's get him on board. This starts, you know, five years of everyone misunderstanding how Vince Vaughn is a movie

star. Yeah, up till old school, right? Like, I feel like, yeah, that period where it's like, Vince Vaughn, he should be like a creep. Right. Good. People want to see him be a creep. Or he's like Gary Cooper.

You know? What's he Gary Cooper in? I think they're trying to do a little bit of traditional. Oh in this one he is a little bit. But then he makes like. Psycho. Psycho the cell. Clay pigeons. Domestic disturbance and clay pigeons. Yeah. And then

in 2003 he makes Old School. I mean that came out everyone was like why is Vince Vaughn in a comedy? That's weird. And then like now when Vince Vaughn does drama they're like why is Vince Vaughn in a drama? Ooh, curveball. He's pretty good in Hacksaw Ridge this year. I've heard. There was a path of like five years where he was really really

on it and then he kind of very quickly became Adam Sandler and got really lazy and made films just with his friends that sucked. Yeah well he became just one of those people where it's like let's not even write dialogue for him. He'll just do his thing where he like stammers you know all like a crazy stream of consciousness and it'll be funny it got worse i think with him than a lot

of other people and faster yeah it wore out really quickly but he had a big string of hits until they just suddenly stopped and then no one wanted to deal with that anymore yeah i mean i was talking about i wrote this article for the atlantic a few weeks ago about how comedy doesn't sell as well anymore or at least comedy stars don't and like Couples Retreat is one of the last comedies that is not like

a cartoon or like based on, like we're just like made a hundred million dollars. Posted to a hundred million and it was just like, it's kind of a no premise movie

and it was just sold on Vince Vaughn but like Four Christmases did really well. What was the other one that he sort of just like somehow just fucking like threw ton but like Four Christmases did really well what was the other one that he sort of just like somehow just fucking like threw to a hundred well the Breakup did really well which I like. Breakup, Four Christmases

yeah I don't know there's a couple more you know what's actually really good though what? Vince Vaughn's Wild West comedy tour I don't even know what that is that was his concert movie about a bunch of stand ups doing slinging jokes in the Wild West. It's so bad.

Comedians, there are modern day cowboys. So, but in this he's skinny and I guess kind of handsome. Yeah. And the idea of him is that he's posing as a documentarian on this

very small crew that has arrived on this island with no protection. Sure. The stupidest idea in the world. He's a photojournalist. And instead, no, he's like an ecological terrorist.

Oh, snap. Yeah, great. He like wormed his way into this thing. He feels really muzzled in this movie. Yeah, I think they all kind of do. Goldblum does. Yeah. You know, Moore is a total nothing in this movie. Yeah, I think they all kind of do. Goldblum does. Moore is a total nothing in the role. Like, total nothing. It's weird how little...

Such a charming actress, but... It's maybe her least compelling performance. Honestly, why would you remember that she's in this movie? Because even something like Evolution, where her character's really underwritten. Yeah, Evolution is trying too hard by having her fall over all the time. Which was, it's like literally

a parody of what everyone says happens to female characters in movies like that, where it's like, well, they have no character. She was like, can I just fall a lot so I have something to play? But you at least remember that she's in this. Every time I start watching this film, I go, oh right, Julianne Moore, one of our finest actresses,

is the second lead in this film. At the beginning of her but she'd been in Safe hadn't she? Yeah. She was certainly like a very respected actress. Oh unquestionably.

But in terms of like big studio fare she was in The Fugitive as the wife. Yeah. No no she's not the wife. Celia Ward's the wife. Oh right yes yes.

She's like a doctor. It's a small role. And Hand the Rocks the Cradle. She's in that? Yeah. She was like in some of these movies but you know hadn't been

a big blockbuster like this and all of her success was in small character drama but she was killing it in that game. Okay. So just to get back

to the plot of the movie. The exciting plot. So they're there and they're documenting and maybe Vince Vaughn wants to do some ecological terrorism.

But no. They don't. Williams to his credit does not use his theme until the credits. Yeah. He has his like other theme. Yeah. Which is like dun, dun, dun.

It's so memorable. It's like this. Dun, dun, dun. So who else is on the island? Well, you got Arliss Howard. Yeah. Who is playing Richard Attenborough's grandson, maybe? Yeah.

Who's the guy who's like taking over the company. He's his grandson? He seems too old to be his grandson. I agree. Is Richard Attenborough's grandson, maybe? Who's the guy who's taken over the company. He's his grandson? He seems too old to be his grandson. I agree. Is Richard Attenborough like 150? Yeah, that's not the hair pattern of a grandson. So Arliss Howard, who's an American actor, but is playing the most stuck-up Brit.

Which is a weird choice. I don't know why. I mean, he's in tons of stuff. He's in Full Metal Jacket. What else is he in? He's a good actor stuff he's in like Full Metal Jacket what else is he in he's a good actor he's in Natural Born Killers right

and I love him in Rubicon my favorite TV show that got cancelled after one season but he's terrible in this yeah he's really bad in this

the film needs a good villain yeah because it's lacking any kind of other thing to really focus your attention on he's really bad yeah

I think he's trying to do like a mustache twirling villain I guess but it feels like he's very miscast it's lacking any kind of other thing to really focus your attention on. He's really bad. Yeah. I think he's trying to do like a mustache twirling villain, I guess. But it feels like he's very miscast. It feels like that's not what he's good at. And even to saddle him with the British accent feels like, if you want to be British, hire a British actor. Why don't you hire a British actor? Yeah. So he's like the new CEO of InGen, the like cloning company.

Right. And he's decided, here's what we'll do. Jurassic Park? Eh, too much. How about Jurassic Stadium? And we just have a dinosaur. It's like SeaWorld. And it just wanders around and people pay to look at it.

Fuck that. And he's like and you know what? Richard Edinburgh, my grandpa, he built a stadium in San Diego that nobody talks about. You know how hard it is to build a stadium? This movie's so dumb. I can't believe

I just watched it but having to verbalize it. So he's brought a whole bunch of guys. Yeah. Most of whom are like poachers or at least there's like a good number of them who are like. Roland Tempo. And there's Roland Tempo who's played by Pete Possilthwaite.

Probably the best performance in the movie? 100%. The only dialed-in performance in this movie. He is fabulous in this film. And he's killing it. So good. And also one of the greatest faces in the history of movies.

We've rarely had a better face on the big screen. It's a great face, and he's hairless in this film. Which is an incredible look. Pete Possilthwaite is a bald actor. And I mean, I think of him as bald. I'm sure this movie's where he has hair, but he's hairless in this film. Which is an incredible look. Pete Postlethwaite is a bald actor. And I mean, I think of him as bald. I'm sure this movie's where he has hair, but he's usually bald.

He's sometimes got a little... Does he even have eyebrows? No, it's like he's wearing a hat and sunglasses for most of the movies so you can barely see his eyebrows. And it's just, other than that, it's like completely hairless. It's like squeaky clean, Mr. Clean.

He's incredible. Yeah. Ben loves him, and so Ben, Ben, you want to talk? Well, I, I've, you know, I don't like to be referred to as a bald man. Okay. I'm hair challenged. All right.

And yes, I love the shit out of this motherfucker's performance. Do you guys want to, do you want to play that clip? Yeah. Ben, play the clip. Oh man. All right. Ben's been aching to play this clip. Peter, if you want me to run your little camping trip, there are two conditions.

Firstly, I'm in charge, and when I'm not around, Dieter is. All you need to do is sign the checks, tell us we're doing a good job, and open your case of scotch when we have a good day. Second condition, my fee. You can keep it. All I want in exchange for my services is the right to hunt one of the Tyrannosaurus. A male. A buck only.

How and why are my business? Now, if you don't like either of those two conditions, you're on your own. So go ahead. Set up base camp right here. Or in a swamp. Or in the middle of a wreck's nest. For all I care.

But I've been on too many safaris with rich dentists to listen to any more suicidal ideas. Okay? Okay! Pete Postlethwaite as Roland Tembo. Okay. Okay. Pete Possilthwaite as Roland Tembo. Yeah. He wants to shoot

a T-Rex. There. I'm done. That's the whole character. Steven Spielberg said... He's got some other guys with him who want to help him do that.

Dieter Stark. Dieter Stark played by Peter Stormare. Spielberg said after, or I guess during the making of this film, Pete Postlethwait was one of, if not the best actors he'd ever worked with. Oh, really? Well, he also works with him in Amistad.

Yeah. The same year. And I wonder, did they move? Did they ever work together again? Maybe not. I don't think so. It's too bad. They should have.

But Spielberg was apparently very blown away by his technique. And I've read a lot of interviews. He died, unfortunately, a couple years ago. He did. Very sadly, he died in 2011. He was fairly young. I think, was Inception his last movie? Inception was not.

The Town is his last movie. Oh, right. Oh, and also he's in Killing Bono, but that's not a real movie. Yeah. But he's very good in The Town. Yes. He looks pretty gaunt in it. He does. In Inception, he plays a dying man. He does. And he's very good in the town. Yes. He looks pretty gaunt in it. He does.

In Inception, he plays a dying man. He does, and he's incredible. I saw him in London on the London stage. You saw him tread the boards? In a one-man show, which is, whew. You're so lucky. It's called Scaramouche Jones. Oh, my God.

Of course that's what it's called. That was really, really good. I remember that was a, you know, you're seeing a guy who knew what he was fucking doing. I mean, so Spielberg had said as much, and then I've read a couple times, like, when AV Club will do those random roles features and people talk about movies where they worked with Pete Postlethwaite,

they always threw him as an example of a guy who so thoroughly understood the camera and the actor's relationship to the camera because people would say, I'd be doing a scene with him and I'd feel like he was way too big. I'd go, what's he doing? And I'd look at it on screen and it would be perfectly measured. And sometimes the opposite. I'd go, he's not doing anything

and I'd look at it. He sometimes just somehow was always totally dialed in. Dialed in is the word. He's dialed into the movie he's around. A performance of his that I loved as a child. He's the guy who gives James the bag of magic worms and James and the giant peach. That's right. He's the magic man.

And he narrates the film. And he narrates it as well. And he's like incredible in it. Yeah, because when we were kids, he was one of those guys that you would recognize. He's in that. He's in Romeo and Juliet. He was like in a lot. He's in Dragonheart, which I saw in theaters, my friend.

And you can't forget his face, especially if you're a kid. Exactly. He's a very unusual looking guy. He's a little scary looking, but then there's a weird warmth to him. So he'd kind of be like, he was like a human Grimm's fairy tale, you know? Yeah, definitely. Where you'd be a little lord and a little frightened. And you know, after the 90s, I feel like he gets wasted because I'm looking at his credits

and yeah, he's not in enough good stuff. No. And he is good in Inception in the Town right at the very end there, so it does feel like, oh, yeah, all right, okay. But when he came back in those two movies, I was like, oh, we haven't seen Pete Possilthwaite in too long. We haven't seen old Petey do something. And then he's dead.

Yeah. Very sad. Anyway, he's great. I always wanted him to do like a Liam Neeson action movie comeback, and the tagline could be, the Possilthwaite is over. That's great. Thank you. 100 comedy points.

Thank you. So I points. Thank you. So I wanted to say something about him, though. Sure. If this movie has any arc at all, it's his. Yes, 100%. Because he comes there thinking, I'm a world-renowned hunter, and I want to get the greatest beast that ever lived, right?

The T-Rex. And by the end, he understands the majesty of the T-Rex and wants no part of it. That's why I think probably I feel like that's the best approach this movie has to a Jurassic Park sequel, is to make it from the perspective of the poachers, and perhaps

in order to humanize him from earlier on so that the audience is on his side, you have, you know, what feels wasted in this movie, the Julianne Moore girlfriend character, the Vanessa Lee Chester daughter character. You have someone to humanize him there and be like, I don't think you should be doing this. Right.

And then he comes around. I'm now going to tell you in 20 seconds the rest of the plot of this movie. Okay. And then we can talk about a few of the set pieces. Can I try to literally time you on this? Sure. Because I think you could get it in under 20. Probably.

Okay. Because like, oh, we've just given you the setup. Okay. Are you ready get it in under 20. Probably. Okay. Because like, oh, we've just given you the setup. Okay. Are you ready? Yeah. And go. The poachers and the guys, the co-poachers catch a bunch of dinosaurs. The guys release the dinosaurs.

And then, so they're all together now. Dinosaurs kill most of them. They have to leave. The T-Rex smashes through San Diego and then they send it home. Right? 14 seconds. I mean, like, what is there to say? Nothing.

Like, I'm not really skimping on the details there. And Ben, when you said it feels like a video game, I think that's very on point because it feels like there are some cut scenes in this movie. And then a lot of the sequences don't even feel like set pieces. No. They feel like levels. They really do. They really do feel like levels. It's just like, what shall we do next?

Now we're changing scenery a little bit, and now there's a new objective. Yeah. But it's never like a thrilling objective. It's just like, I guess we've got to get this done now. And then there are some death scenes that are executed fine. Yeah. But, okay, so it's like, all right, so here's something. Steven Spielberg made Jurassic Park.

Correct. A very good film that conveys the sense of wonder one might feel. People liked it and felt the beauty and the terror of dinosaurs. That was the magic trick of that movie. The first half of the movie they go, God, dinosaurs are beautiful and majestic. How wonderful it would be to roam this park.

And then the second half, the terror kicks in. And you get your full course meal. No, we've gone too far. We're not gods. In this movie, they arrive and some stegosauruses walk by and they're like, there they are, the dinosaurs. No wonder. This movie normalizes the dinosaurs way too much.

And way too quickly. Yeah. Because, okay, so we skip this. We usually do this. I saw this movie in theaters opening weekend. Oh, yeah, sure. Okay, so there's no way you saw the original in theaters, did you? I had not seen it, period, at the time I went to see this.

Sure, right, because you're pretty young. You're probably eight? I was eight. Yeah. And I was scared very easily. Yeah, how did you see this one? Well, my friends loved Jurassic Park. Of course, of course. Like, even when we were five, I remember a lot of them going to see Jurassic Park, four or five, you know?

And certainly in the years after that on VHS, those four years in between. Also, Jurassic Park is ridiculously rated PG I know which is insane and it came with like a special extra warning that was like it's a PG but it's pretty intense like I remember the poster said like yeah watch out for younger kids seeing this why'd you rate it PG because like Spielberg well it's especially crazy because Spielberg's the reason that PG-13 was created like he was notoriously the guy who kept on tolling that line and after Temple of Doom and Gremlins they were like okay fuck this.

Yeah. There needs to be another Raiden. Right. Right. Right. Like that was because of Spielberg.

And yet even though that movie has like severed limbs and stuff it's a piece. Anyway. It doesn't matter. It's got kids and Sprigley.

So you saw it in theaters. I saw it in theaters. I was very easily scared. I remember just the innate premise of Jurassic Park knowing

that it was going to start out good and then get bad really scared me. Right. Right. And I didn't like tense scenes. Any sort of tense like creeping around kind scared me. And I didn't like tense scenes.

Any sort of tense, creeping around kind of thing. So you really just like animated films? Yeah, pretty much. Muppet movies. Sure. And when I it was like a bunch of the boys in my grade were going to go see this. And the dad was like, hey, we're all going to go see Lost World. Do you want to see it? My parents were like, we'll allow you.

And I was like, I'm going to fucking do it. I remember sitting there like white knuckling. Like I was about to get on a theme park ride. You know, like I was like, I don't know if this is a good idea. I was like that too when I was a little kid. Yeah. And I remember watching this and there were certainly certain scenes where I felt attention just because I hadn't seen movies like this before.

But like looking back on it very quickly, I was sort of like deflated. Yeah. Well, because it's not a scary movie at all. It doesn't build tension well. I'd say the camper sequence is the one. That's the only one. And everyone talks about

that as the one good Swiss watch Spielberg sequence. Yes. But that's it. But I had this weird I was like watching re-watching this and thinking back on it

because I saw it when it came out opening weekend and I thought it was great. But I also hadn't seen movies like this before. So I was just so like oh my God

it's like an adult blockbuster. Right. You know. Yeah. And there was like a similar thing in this like one year span where like I saw this, hadn't seen the original Jurassic Park thought it ruled. I saw Roland

Amorix, Godzilla, hadn't seen Independence Day yet. 97 or 98? 98. Hadn't seen Independence Day yet and was like, this rules. So you're seeing the crappier version. Saw Batman and Robin, hadn't seen the earlier Batman movies, was like this rules. Not even forever wow yeah so I was like three things where it was like I was getting the shittier version of the one that

everyone liked but because I was so unexposed to it I was like this is great and I was like eight or seven and like complaining to all the adults around me be like why don't people like Godzilla fucking awesome and they're like because we saw the one that was like this except not dumb yeah um but I hadn't watched it until then. I would defend Lost World when people ragged on it. I was like, it's fun. It's good. I didn't see Jurassic Park until on VHS after that.

And then I rewatched it with friends five years ago on VHS in a basement in Toronto. Not even. In London, Ontario. And I was like, this sucks. It sucks. It sucks. And it sucks. It's boring.

It is boring. And then watched it again last, and it's not good. Yeah, it's not particularly good. I had two and a half stars top, two, two. You know, like, it's okay. It has a couple set pieces. It's very forgettable. Yeah.

So let's talk about some more things this movie gets wrong in relation to Jurassic Park. Okay? Okay. One, normalizes the dinosaurs way too quickly. Yep. Which removes all tension. Yep. Two, it doesn't. The only one it, normalizes the dinosaurs way too quickly. Yep. Which removes all tension. Yep. Two, it doesn't.

The only one it doesn't is the T-Rex. Yes. It nails the entrance of the T-Rex fine. Right. Everything else, crappy. Like, when the raptors show up, like, way late, you're like, oh, yeah, there they are. Right. You know.

Go on. But they know that the T-Rex matters, and they build it up in the way they need to do with every other dinosaur. Like, you think about how elegantly they introduced dinosaur by dinosaur in the original Jurassic Park. You know? Yes. And the majesty before the terror and all that, right?

Two, I don't think this movie has a story. No, it has no story. It has a plot. It doesn't have a story. And as I already discussed, it doesn't really have much of an arc, maybe a little bit to the Tembo character. It's not about anything. The T-Rex is, you know, Spielberg always said the T-Rex is the hero of Jurassic arc. Maybe a little bit to the Tembo character. It's not about anything. The T-Rex is,

you know, Spielberg always said the T-Rex is the hero of Jurassic Park. Like, you know, he like saves the day at the end when he takes down the raptors.

Which Colin Trevorrow took way too literally in making Jurassic World. In this one, I guess, yeah, the T-Rexes have a story again but their story is just like

these jerks steal the T-Rex's kid and the T-Rexes get him back. Get her back. Whatever. Get the kid back. By the time they get to the San Francisco stuff, which... San Diego. San Diego.

Sorry. My apologies. You should be. Um, it just feels like it's like he's given up on the movie he's been making for the last hour and a half and just wants to do this other thing instead. And you watch that section and it's like, you know what? If this is what you really want to do, Spielberg, maybe you should have gone, fuck this book, it's dumb

and just made a movie where somehow the dinosaurs make it to Maine. Yeah, but maybe he felt bad and was like, oh, he wrote the whole book. Oh, God, that's such a bummer. Yeah. All right. That feels like the only section where he's, like, having fun. It does.

That's true. It's not totally great. No, we'll get to that. Because the movie hasn't really earned it. Yeah, but at least there's humor or whatever. It feels self-referential. It feels silly. The movie hasn't really earned it. Yeah, but at least there's humor or whatever. It feels self-referential. It feels silly.

And it does feel like the kind of movie he was excited to make, I guess, at one point. More of a B movie. Yeah. And we're not talking about Jerry Seinfeld as an insect. Not yet. Not yet. That's our next miniseries. Jerry Seinfeld does play an insect in this movie. Yeah.

Watch carefully. See if you can spot it. That is a spoiler. Our next miniseries is The Films. Jerry Seinfeld does play an insect in this movie. Yeah. Watch carefully. See if you can spot it. That is a spoiler. Our next mini-series is the films of Jerry Seinfeld. No, it is not. Let's talk about the Goldblum problem. Yeah. Because it's such an obvious thing where it's like, of course, if you're in that room, you

go, yeah, let's make Jeff Goldblum the lead. Yeah. Jeff Goldblum's on the up and up. Everyone loved that character. Why not promote him? Everyone's going to want more of a good thing. No. There'sblum's on the up and up. Everyone loved that character. Why not promote him? Everyone's going to want more of a good thing. No.

There's a reason it's a side dish. And we already, we kind of already talked about this, but it's true. A lot of times fries are better than the burger, but you don't get fries as an entree for a reason.

Fry sandwich. Not a meal. That's what you got handed with this one. You got handed a French fry sandwich. A French fry sandwich. You're like starch on starch.

You're like, you eat it and you're like, I think I like it. Yeah. I don't know. It's certainly not bad, but I don't're like, starch on starch. You're like, you eat it and you're like, I think I like it. Yeah. I don't know. It's certainly not bad, but I don't feel like I've had dinner. So, also, it doesn't make any sense that Jeff Goldblum's character would go back to this island. He is, I mean, to use a D&D terminology, he is chaotic neutral.

Correct. He's not the one who's like, you know, I really loved the idea of that island and those dinosaurs, and I really want to protect them. No. I'd go as far as to say he hated it. He arrived on the island before the dinosaurs started eating people. He was like, this is a bad idea. Don't do this.

Yep. Very bad idea. Yep. Now, I think part of the thing was Samuel didn't want to make this movie. Okay. So Samuel's out. But was he ever in the book? I don't think so. So maybe, yeah,

I don't know. I think it might have been column A and column B. So, they squeeze Jeff Goldblum into this leading man role. They try to ground him by giving him a black daughter, which, by the way, for 1997, huh.

No, they don't do any kind of ham-fisted explanation or anything like that. This is something that Fantastic Four, the fucking reboot, like tied itself in knots trying to explain how there could be a white and a black person related to each other. And they did two things. One, they spent a lot of real estate in the movie explaining it. Yeah. Two, the entire press tour, they went, we shouldn't have to talk about that. Which is so contradictory. I have no idea

if there was even a reaction in 1997 to this. There may not have been. I remember people going, that doesn't really make sense. Really? I don't remember people complaining about it,

but I remember people being like, that's weird. There's literally one joke they make in the entire film. I love it too. It's maybe my favorite element of the film. I'm an ally.

Yes, me too. Yeah. Whatever. I like that the movie just spends no time trying to discuss it. There's maybe my favorite element. I'm an ally. Yes, me too. Yeah, whatever. I think, yeah, I like that the movie just spends no time trying to discuss it. There's the one joke they make when they discover that she stowed away in the camper and they're fighting and Richard Schiff turns to Vince Vaughn. Or Vince Vaughn turns to Richard Schiff and goes, do you see a family resemblance? And Richard Schiff holds up a finger going like, little bit. And it's like, great, just get out of the way. Sure. are gone like a little bit. And it's like, great, just get out of the way. Steven Spielberg, I know, also has an adopted black son

who I think was, he's young, so I think he was probably, this movie was a couple years after that. I think Spielberg just wanted to have that be a matter-of-fact thing and I think that's great. I love it. Unfortunately, I don't think we need a kid in this movie at all. I agree. So that's a problem.

And I think the reason the kid exists is, yeah, Spielberg's like, well well you know. The kid thing worked. I'm a dad. Yeah. And like I sympathize with parents. Yeah. And yeah the kid thing worked in the last one. It doesn't work at all here. The minute she stows away you're like that was a terrible idea.

The minute she's introduced you get why they're there. Yeah it's 100%. And yeah and then she does nothing except for her gymnastics routine which which is widely mocked because the Raptors are supposed to be really scary and she takes them down by doing some cool work on the uneven

bars and kicks one of them. I actually think the line, the Goldblum line, kicked you off the team, is funny. I actually think he nails it and it's really good. But the scene, obviously. I agree uh as a child i love that scene that was my favorite scene in the entire movie of course i like cheered when it fucking happened um but but it is i mean you

talk about him nailing that delivery and it's like well that's the problem is the movie doesn't let him do that very much because he's so often the center of the film and he's the guy reacting in the sort of matinee idol standing up straight having the shocked face thing that he rarely gets to comment

on the action because he's the one who is being propulsive. And it's like the same thing that happened with the fucking Pirates of the Caribbean sequel. Where it's like everyone forgets that Johnny Depp's a supporting character in that first movie.

Obviously Johnny Depp has tons of screen time but he can't be your focus. He's Han Solo. He needs to be the Han Solo, yeah. The guy who's messing things around. Right. And you can earn a little sort of emotional payoff with him when he acts, like, he comes back and he blows up you know, Darth Vader. He helps Luke out. Like, that works. No, of course. I'm not saying he

But, but, he's gotta be he's gotta be on the side of the main propulsive plot because if the funny guy, the guy who comments on the reality, who brings the audience in, cannot be the center character because there's too much other work they have to do, which takes away from them being able to be funny, unless innately baked into the idea of the film is the guy being an outsider who doesn't belong there. And this is not that movie. Because the whole point is he belongs there.

He knows what he's doing. He's been there before. Let's talk about some of the set pieces. Cool. The trailer set piece is good. It rolls. I think it's good. Oh, another problem is that they use way more CGI to make these dinosaurs happen.

In Jurassic Park, it's a lot of puppets embellished with CGI, way less CGI. In this one, when it's full CGI dinos, which they do a lot of puppets embellished with CGI, way less CGI. In this one, when it's full CGI dinos, which they do a lot of, it doesn't look good. He got too confident. Yeah, the tech wasn't there yet. Because at the time

with the first Jurassic Park, they said, you can't do this, period. Right, and so he does it very well. Strategically. He thinks, like, why can't we? You want to guess the budget on this movie?

What are you looking at? I don't want to tell you yet. The budget on this movie, I would guess, was $125 million. $73 million. That's crazy. Isn't that crazy?

Yeah. Spielberg doesn't fuck around. He doesn't fuck around. It's $10 million extra than Jurassic Park. That's pretty nuts. Because they said, on my Amazon X-ray

when I was watching the film, they said that this film has 50% more dinosaur footage than the original. That's probably true. It has a lot of dino footage. The first Jurassic Park has like 20 minutes of dinosaurs in total, I think. Less than.

Sure. It's got like 16 minutes or something. It doles it out perfectly. It's a good movie. The first Jurassic Park is great. Okay, but hot take. Good movie. So the trailer scene's cool because that's when the poachers have stolen a T-Rex baby.

This is after the poachers stole like a bunch of dinos and they let all the dinos out to like disrupt them, which by the way, they never get in trouble for. Yeah. That was very uncool of them. Yes, yes. But the poachers stole a baby T-Rex whose leg is broken. And instead of saying, you know what?

That's life and there's nothing to do about it. Julianne Moore's like, no, no, here's what we do. Take it to our trailer. Set its leg. Yeah. With a cast. So, you know.

It's just dumb. They're in the trailer. Here's the problem. You're watching the movie and you're bummed out that they haven't also seen Jurassic Park. Because it's like we're so far ahead of them. We know where this is going. The sequence works because it's Spielberg. He knows how to construct

it. But yeah like of course the fucking mama dinosaur wants its baby. Yeah so and you have this rigmarole where like Goldblum's like trying to call them on their trailer phone and they're not picking up. Oh yeah the cage and the tree. What the fuck?

Yeah, that's stupid as well. So stupid. But the T-Rex attack is cool because I like the reveal of two T-Rexes, which I feel like the movie takes its time making clear to you. Sure. You're like, oh, my God, there's T-Rexes everywhere. And then you finally get that shot of them in both windows

and you're like, oh, it's a couple. Okay. Go younger and you go with more. You know, all the stuff with the trailer getting knocked off the cliff and Richard Schiff trying to pull it back up and the various pieces of fun Spielberg has with that, great. Like Julianne Moore on the window and the way it falls around them and i don't know these sequences are really poorly thought out but spielberg's always been really good at sort of an economy of uh storytelling right he figures out how to convey

as much as you can as little as possible he blocks really well he constructs these shots where you get a lot of information in a quick dose by understanding where to place all the actors and how to time the action, all of that. And he also, and this is like the thing that I think people don't talk about enough, but I really think separates like good filmmakers from master filmmakers, is master filmmakers really understand

how important sound is. Yeah. You know? Because sound is kind of the forgotten element that people can really take for granted and just go like, well, just record it, you know? But like Spielberg, the fucking camper sequence. Merchandise. That's what you're doing.

Go on. Yes. I think I'm not going to do a merchandise spotlight on a fucking lost world episode. Come on, baby. You crazy? The camper sequence, the way Spielberg uses the cracking of the glass is like, that's doing 90% of the heavy lifting for you. You know?

That's all you need, really. We agree. And even, it takes a long time for any music to kick in in that sequence. It's not until Julianne Moore lands on the glass and the thing's already teetering over the edge. First two or three minutes when the thing's getting knocked over, he's just playing

with the sounds of the creaking. You know? He's a good director. Even watching his bad movies. It's like, you could learn a lot from his worst films um yeah you're right this is one of his worst films

I would agree I'd say it's in the bottom 5 I was about to say bottom 5 probably a bottom 5 movie he's made some shit I don't know if it would make my bottom 5 but maybe there's one movie we're gonna cover in this series He made some shit. Yeah. I mean, when he makes, I don't know if it would make my bottom five. But maybe. There's one movie we're going to cover in this series, certainly, that's probably my least favorite Spielberg movie. Okay.

Probably The Terminal. Who knows? Hey, now there's one thing that we've left out. Shoot. This is a really wet movie. A lot of rain? Now, you know me, guys. I like a slick flick.

Yeah, you like a slick flick. And I got to tell you, I think this is probably one of the more moisture franchises, wouldn't you say? Yeah, Jurassic Park. I mean, famous for, you think about in the first movie, the use of rain, the cup of water. I sort of imagine Spielberg on set, and they'd be like, Steven, you cup of water. Like, I sort of imagine Spielberg, like, on set and they'd be like, Stephen, you want more water? He's like, ship it in! I want more! More!

I have to move us along because I want to keep us tight. Oh, also, they love mud in this movie, too. Go. Yeah, it's a muddy movie. So, I don't know, are there other set, because that's a good set piece, but what other set pieces are good? I guess Peter Stormare getting eaten by the compies is pretty good.

Yeah. I remember at the time I found that very effective. I like the visual of him. For one, I just like the idea that he's this little bastard tormenting them and they team up and kill him. But I like the visual of him falling behind the log and the blood comes down the river. How many fucking toys are you going to look up on your

goddamn Kindle? I'm trying to get a good image to convey it, but I think I got it. And it's a Kindle Fire. Show some respect. Boy, oh boy. They're a great company. What's another set piece in this movie? The raptors hunting them. Shrug.

Then he leaps into the nasty scene. There's a car chase shit. But even that, like, there's so much fucking shit in this movie. And I swear this isn't what I'm setting up with the merchandise spotlight. But there's shit even just like that vehicle they got where the chairs extend from the sides so they can get a better shot that just feels like a fucking toy it just feels like they were like you know what i'm saying yeah no totally jurassic park was one of the biggest merchandise movies of all time and this is the like peak of that era of filmmaking like batman and robin is

the same year was the term they used to use the executives would would sit there and go, can you make it more toyetic? Can you add more characters? Can you have a sequence where this happens? You know? There was the famous story where in Pocahontas the executives met with, the toy company executives met with the filmmakers

This better be quick. It's quick. It's quick. And said, oh you know what would be fun is if you had a toy, a scene where Miko, the raccoon, braids Pocahontas' hair. And they throw it in there for no reason. It was because they had just developed the technology to like- To like have hair braiding in an action figure or whatever. Yeah, so they made like a fucking Pocahontas.

And it was so clear they had the prototype before they told them to write the scene where it's like, oh, you got a little Miko remote control and he braids the hair, fucking whatever. But this just feels like, Jurassic Park was already one of the biggest toy movies ever because kids love dinosaurs, and for the first time there was a real proprietary dinosaur brand. Dinosaurs had no license, so anyone

could make dinosaur toys. And they famously came up with this thing, the JP mark on the leg. This was a big deal. Do you remember this? No, because I don't care about this stuff. Jurassic Park toys had this brand on their leg that was a logo that was a J and a big deal. Do you remember this? No, because I don't care about this stuff. Jurassic Park toys had this brand on their leg that was a logo that was a J and a P connected so that it would be like, if you show up to school

and you got some fucking lame non-licensed dinosaur toy, they knew you were a fucking loser. You had to have the JP on the leg. And they were huge. The toys, wildly successful, and then they sold some humans. In this movie, it felt like they were like, hey, Steve, could you put more vehicles in it?

That's enough merchandise. Well, not yet, because here's my spotlight, baby. Oh, okay, you want to do it now? Yeah, sure. The only other thing I feel like we should talk about is the San Diego stuff. Yeah, we'll talk about it. A thing I always liked as a kid was,

we just talked about how toy companies would be like, hey, maybe put this in the movie. Right. But sometimes there were toys where I would see the toys in the store before the movie and be like, that's going to be a cool scene. And it wouldn't be in there. And it was so clear the toy company was just like, this is what we wish happened in the movie. So they made like the main kind of the big, you know, gold watch item of the Lost World line was the bull T-Rex. Right. you know, gold watch item of the Lost World line was the bull T-Rex. Right? One of the two T-Rexes

in the film. And they did the massive scale and it had the sounds and it was big and it was rubbery and whatever. But it had this weird fucking feature

which was it came with a guy in a cage. Okay? So here's this scared dude. Right? He's like shivering.

It's like a Don Knotts character. Right? And he's in this cage holding onto these two handles. His teeth are clenched. Right? Okay, and then this closed over it, so he's in a steel cage. Almost like in Jaws, right? When Dreyfus goes in the thing. And the premise

was, the hook to the toy was that the T-Rex could swallow it and then poop it out. But the idea was, the narrative was that this guy wanted to explore the inside of a T-Rex, so they built this cage so that he could survive being eaten by a T-Rex. Cool.

Which is such a weird fucking premise that they were like, you know what, we don't know what those guts look like. I would actually love to see that in a movie. That was the thing. It seemed like such a cool fucking scene. I was like,

that's out there. And then it always felt like when my friends would have that toy, it'd be more fun to play with that and pretend that that happened in the movie than anything that actually happened in the goddamn movie. Well, thank you for immersion. I spotlight. What do you think of the San Diego stuff? Here's what they do in the San Diego stuff.

They tranquilize the T-Rex and decide to bring it to San Diego for their stadium. Bad idea. Oh, the T-Rex escapes from the boat. What a surprise. We've all seen King Kong. It eats everyone on the boat and turns them into limbs and guts. And now it's walking around and stuff, and you get a lot of Spielberg shots of kids looking out their window.

Some. Yeah. It's honestly not that much. No. It's like, what is this? There's the one big one, the kid in the bedroom. Well, yeah, that's the only one there really is. The dino eating.

I'll give Spielberg this. The dinosaur eats the dog. Dinosaur eats it. He's got some guts. He still gets the dino to eat the dog. Spielberg has some guts and that dino has some guts in his tummy because he just ate a doggy. Now guys, when you see a

huge boat coming towards you, you just hang out and watch. Always, yeah. You want to see how it ends. You want to see if the boat is going to stop or is it going to crash into this docomon. 100%. I always do that.

Always. Every day. That's what I do every day. This isn't Sarcasm Island. No, no, please. This is Sincerity Peninsula. Okay. I don't know what else to say about this movie.

I mean, this was a big misstep for Spielberg, right? The T-Rex eats Harlow's Howard. The T-Rex eats Harlow's Howard. The T-Rex eats Harlow's Howard. Then he goes home. Yeah. And the conclusion of the movie is, the dinos are on the island. Right.

Happy ever after. What the fuck? Nothing in this movie mattered, you know? Like I said, they just shouldn't have gone there. Right. All that's changed is a couple dinos and a couple people have died. The idea is that it's now going to be a nature preserve.

And this is a mistake that he makes. I could have been that if they had never gone in the first place. In Jurassic Park, the movie is not equating dinosaurs to animals, which is the thing that this movie and Jurassic World both do. Yeah. And those are both movies about zoos and the perils of zoos and animal rights and things like that. And I don't think that's the craziest metaphor to draw.

I just don't think it works. And in Jurassic Park, no, it's about man's mistake. It's about what Ian Malcolm's babbling about, all the chaos theory stuff, all of the sort of like you can't impose a simple structure on a complex system stuff. I love that stuff. What this is about is we should leave animals alone. It's the consequences of buying a zoo.

It is. Thank you, Ben. If anything, I'm giving the movie too much credit by saying this. If anything, the movie almost reads as an interesting criticism of itself. Of just like, we shouldn't have gone back. There's nothing

to be gained from going back again. That's about as good as you're going to get in terms of interesting analysis. That's the most interesting read I think you could throw on the movie and it still doesn't make the movie interesting to watch. It's like the movie's convincing you not to watch it while you're watching it, you know? Yeah.

But it's massively successful. It had the biggest opening weekend of all time. It opens Memorial Day. It blew the doors off of fucking everything. Well, do you want to play the box office game or something? Is that what you're saying? Hell yeah, baby. Are you saying that you want to play the box office game or something?

I want to play that box office game. Memorial Day weekend 1997? It opens May 23rd. It's a four-day Memorial Day weekend in 1997. It's the number one movie of that week. It makes $90 million in the first four days. Humongous. Which I believe was the highest one movie of that week. It makes $100 in the first four days? $90 million in the first four days. Humongous. Which I believe was the highest opening weekend of the time.

For a long time. Until Spider-Man in 2001 or 2. I believe Harry Potter beat it. Because Harry Potter got within striking distance. That was 95 maybe, but yeah. The first Harry Potter in 2001 got within striking distance of 100. It was like 95, 96. Because Spider-Man's the first one to get that.

And it breezed past. Spider-Man did 114. It was like 95, 96. Because Spider-Man's the first one to get that. And it breezed past. Spider-Man did 114. I'll never forget that weekend. And then Aquaman did 115 in the Entourage universe. As a box office kid, the Spider-Man hit 100. Me too. Because my dad and I would just go, do you think a movie's ever going to make 100 opening weekend?

And it kept on. Lost World got close, you know, with four days. Harry Potter got close with three days. But I was like, I don't know. And then Spider-Man just fucking swung past it. We believed that a hero could save us. We weren't going to stand there and wait. Yep.

Hold on to the wings of a hero. All right, so number one. What's number two? Number two, okay. Number two is a classic example of counter-programming. It is a romantic comedy directed by Griffin Dunn. Oh, well, you gave it away. Addicted to Love.

I've never heard of this movie. Matthew Broderick? Meg Ryan? Kelly Preston? You're saying the names, but it's all new to me. I like Griffin Dunn. I mean, I know his work. Because he's got your name.

Yeah. Yeah. I know him a little bit, too. Oh, okay. Well, that's nice for you. Us Griffins have to stick together. Do you realize two of the three Amazon pilots that got picked up in that season start Griff's? Us Griff's.

We've got to hang together. Addicted to Love opens to $11 million and makes 30-something overall. I don't know that the counter-programming really worked. What's that movie about? I think the premise of that movie is that they're two people who've just gotten dumped and are angry and decide to start dating to make their exes jealous, but then they actually fall in love. I think it's something like that.

I mean, okay. That's... Meg Ryan's got an ex who I forget who it is, and then Matthew Broderick's ex is Kelly Preston, and they're, I think, team up to... Meg Ryan's ex is a Chucky Cairo. Cario. Oh, of course. I'm so surprised I forgot that. The Turkish actor

who's like the 14th lead in Goldeneye. Okay. Yeah, that's definitely counter-programming. So number three was number one the week before. It drops only 30%. It's making $8 million this week and it's third weekend. So it had been number one for two weeks.

Wow. And it's made $46. It's going to make 63 total. It kind of kicked off the summer, but it wasn't a mega hit. Was not a mega hit. It's a film that I really love. Hmm. From, yeah, I don't know. There's more clues I could give you.

Give me a genre. It's a science fiction film. That's the genre? Yeah. My mom does that. Have I ever told you that? Genre. She speaks in perfect English, and then she'll go, what a genre's the genre? Yeah. My mom does that. Have I ever told you that? Genre. She speaks in perfect English, and then she'll go, what a genre was the film?

And I always tell her, shut the fuck up. Okay, it's a science fiction film. It made $60 million. You like it a lot. It was number one for two weeks, but still didn't do a massive amount of money. No. It's doing okay. 1997 science fiction.

It was the most- Men in Black comes out later that year. This will probably give it away to you, but it was the most expensive European film ever made. The Fifth Element? Yeah. Great movie.

Love it. Yeah, I always think that movie did better than it did. It was like, it did all right. It did okay. I think it did really well overseas. Yes. Yeah.

I love that movie. The next film is a comedy, and it's a spoof. Oh, a spoof and a comedy. It's a spoof. Oh, a spoof and a goof? It's a spoof. Is it a goof, though? Yeah, it's a bit of a goof. It's a huge hit based on budget.

It was a fairly small budget film that made 50-plus million dollars at the box office and was kind of a cult sensation, but was totally overshadowed by its sequel. Interesting. Its sequel really popped. Yes, sir. Okay. And it's a spoof. It's like a straight-up spoof of a specific thing? It's a spoof of a specific kind of genre. It's not like a specific spoof.

I'm actually embarrassed that I asked to follow, because I know what it is. Right, right. It's Awesome Powers International Man of Mystery. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Which I re-watched recently. Hey, guess what? That movie's really fucking good. Great movie. Really funny. I was so scared to rewatch it. Now, easily the funniest of the three. No question. Yeah.

But I also, um, that was one of my absolute favorite movies, Grant. That was like one of a couple movies that I got really obsessed with, right? And that was like my favorite franchise. I was more into that spoof franchise than most serious franchises, right? Because Toy Story 2 hadn't come out yet. Like, that was like a real franchise. I was more into that spoof franchise than most serious franchises, right? Because Toy Story 2 hadn't come out yet.

Like that was like a real thing to latch on to. I was so worried that it was going to have like the effect of, I've had to hear so many people fucking parody it. And then parodying the parodying and then the uncle stuff. That movie's still a perfect fucking comedy. There you go.

It's great joke for joke. Everything's funny in that movie. It's also really well designed. Okay. That's enough about Austin Powers. One of the spoofs that like Young Frankenstein style gets the look right. Yeah. No, you're right actually.

That's a good call. Especially the first one which, yeah. Two and three get a little overblown. The first one has the right aesthetics. The first one's got the right aesthetic. The second and thirds are just trying to top themselves and whatever. Great movie. Five out of five.

Would watch again. Yeah, and also those are the movies where Mike Myers is only playing good, funny, well-developed characters. Well, and that's the big thing is Austin stops being funny in two and three. Austin stops being funny in two and three. He's kind of funny in two. He's not funny in three. A little bit. He's alright in two.

But he figures it out at the end of one, which makes him... There's less tension in the character. I know, but there's only something almost funny about that fact in two, that he's just sort of really relaxed. I agree. Because he's obviously so bizarre. Well, he's funny because Mike Myers has good timing and shit. Yeah, he's funny.

But you watch the first movie and it's like, that character is unbelievable. Of course. The joke is on Austin Powers and not on whatever. I mean, whatever. Can I say something crazy? Yes. I'd give Mike Myers best actor that year. I'd have to think about it.

Probably not. No, Guy Pearce is my winner. That's the year that Nicholson wins for As Good As It Gets? Okay. So the fifth movie is a thriller. It's a good thriller. Real thriller. Like an Ashley Judd?

It stars a man who we've discussed on this podcast, an actor. That could be anyone, David. It's true. We've discussed this director on this podcast, although none of his films directly, but we've discussed some of his movies indirectly. And I think this was his first movie. Interesting. A noble start. I think it's an R-rated film uh the film is uh you know

it's in its fourth week it's made 38 it's gonna make 50 mil i i like i don't know what the fuck i could tell you but give me the lead actor i'll give you the director jonathan mostow oh fuck his first movie is it's not his first movie his His first movie is Beverly Hills Body Snatchers. Jeez. So this is the one before U571? Yeah. God. This is his second film. I can't remember.

It's Breakdown with Kurt Russell. Oh, jeez. Yeah. Okay. And JT Walsh. And Steven Seagal. Famously, they sold as being like a co-lead and then he dies. No, no, no. That's the other one.

That's the other one. That's not this one. That's the plain one. Yeah. Is that executive decision? Yes. I always get those two confused. Breakdown. Sure. Okay. So, you know, Breakdown. It's a movie. It's the other one. That's not this one. That's the plane one. Yeah, is that executive decision? Yes, I always get those two confused. Breakdown, sure.

Okay. So, you know, Breakdown. It's a movie. It's a movie. It exists. It's out there. Yeah. Not the most exciting because Jurassic Park just shat all over everybody.

And this is the summer where everyone knew Jurassic Park was coming. You had to clear. It made $229 million total, $618 worldwide. I was almost on the dollar when I guessed earlier. I said something like $225. But it was, of course, not the biggest movie of 1997 because Titanic was the biggest movie of that. Titanic came out.

And did Men in Black outgross this? Correct. $250? $250. Men in Black rules. Yeah. We talk about it all the time. Men in Black.

He'd be a good blank check. Barry Sonnenfeld? Yeah. Yeah, but you know what the problem is? You have to watch a lot of shitty movies? Yeah, you have to watch nine lives It ends on nine lives Did he make

RV Runaway Vacation Yes he did Oh boy Did he make Big Trouble as well Big Trouble God a lot of stinkers But listen to what you get to cover Addams Family

Love it Addams Family Values Even better Men in Black Oh Get Shorty Right Four movies that rule Men in Black. Oh. Get Shorty. Right. Four movies that rule.

Men in Black 2. Wild Wild West. Yeah. Big trouble. RV Runaway Vacation. Men in Black 3. There's one other shitty one in there that I'm forgetting. Yeah, it's a bummer.

Did he do Be Cool? No, he didn't do Be Cool. Who does? F. Gary Gray. F. Gary Gray. It's an F. Gary Gray. It's a piece of shit. Yeah.

Sonnenfeld, I mean, I'd love to talk about Men in Black someday, if only so we have an avenue to... We have never on this podcast pitched our Men in Black 2, which I don't know if our listeners know this. We probably referenced it offhand. David and I fixed Men in Black 2 one day. We did. It was great. We were at a bar.

Men in Black 2 was playing. We were bemoaning how bad it is, and then we sat down and went, is there any way you could make a good sequel? And Jesus Christ did we nail it. I brag about it all the time. Because they should give us a time machine. Send us back to fucking take a pass at that Men in Black 2 script.

We're never going to do this miniseries though. For Love of Money. That's the other one. For Love or Money. Is the other Barry Sonnenfeld movie? Yeah. What movie is that? It's a movie with Michael J. Fox and Gabrielle Anwar. Okay.

Anyway, so that's the box office game. It was a huge hit. Oh, some of the other movies, right. Father's Day. Oh, yeah. With Billy Crystal and Robin Williams. Billy Williams. It's an Ivan Wright one movie.

Robin Crystal. You've got Liar Liar, which was a favorite of mine as a young boy. Huge, huge massive hit. Jim Carrey, getting back to broad comedy. Yeah, Liar Liar is in its 10th week and it made $164 million. I think it ended up at like $170 million. $181 million. Jeez Louise. Volcano, The Coast is Toast.

I always have to The Coast is Toast I always have to say that tagline Yeah Night Falls on Manhattan What the fuck is that? It's a Sidney Lumet A bad Sidney Lumet movie

With Andy Garcia And Richard Dreyfuss Yeah but you know Sidney Lumet falls in that category Where you can learn a lot From a bad Sidney Lumet movie Anaconda's in there Oh

Which is sort of like That's like The final lapping of the Jurassic Park ripple. Yes. Sort of washing up on the beach. Creature features. Yeah, it's an Anaconda movie.

That movie is obviously out of its goddamn mind. You've seen that movie. That movie's out of its gore. Are you kidding me? Romy and Michelle's high school reunion. Okay.

I love it. Yeah. Well, that was The Lost World Jurassic Park. And next week, we'll be covering Amistad, which is the first official DreamWorks movie. And Spielberg's attempt to complete the second half of his miracle year, both halves of which, failed. But this is certainly a case for me of Spielberg. I would say the other one works better, but they certainly both fail.

Yeah. This is certainly a case of Spielberg feeling like, I can do this. I'm Steven Spielberg. I already made Jurassic Park. I can do this. I'll do the thing I did last time. He's kind of acknowledged that the movie doesn't work, right? Yes.

Like, more recently. Like, he knows. Steven Spielberg is an interesting figure because he's very self-aware. Yeah, he'll usually, you know, give him a little time. He's pretty clear-eyed about his career. He also, like, he says he thinks Hook sucks. And now there's this stupid wave of people who act like Hook isn't a fucking

disaster. You know these young youngins? These people who are our age? Who think Hook is good? Look, this is... Steven Soderbergh himself is like, you're wrong. I'm glad you like it, but it's not a good movie. No, it's not. It's a disaster. It's bad. It's my biggest mistake. It's a fucking... I mean, the reason people like Hook is like...

Because they saw it when they were five. Well, that's the main reason. I mean, but also, you know, it's got all these sets and like you want it to be good. Like Dustin Hoffman's doing something. He definitely is. You know, so like there's things to like in it, but oh, God. Yeah, but you know what the weird thing... Have you ever sat down and watched it?

Yeah. Oh, it's a nightmare. I had never seen the thing in its entirety until about a year ago. Oh, I saw it in theaters. Yeah, I didn't. I loved it. I saw it about year ago, and I was like, this blows. Here's the other thing. Oh, my God, all these big sets. Guess what? The sets are really fucking ugly. They're

a bit much. That movie is so garish to look at. So... It's like freebasing fucking pixie sticks. So... What the fuck? Oh, yeah, Hocus Pocus. Right right somebody on the internet recently who i won't name was like i just don't even get it like it's halloween was rolling around like why does everyone talk about hocus pocus like it's good it's like it was on tv a lot when we were children now we're in our 20s and 30s people write internet articles for those people yeah why is this hard

for people to understand shit was on on TV a lot, man. Yeah, guess what, though? Everybody saw Hook. We have to stop canonizing things just because we saw them when we were young. But that's, like, don't be surprised. I'm not surprised, but just fuck that noise. Fuck that noise. Let's elevate good movies.

Let's talk about them seriously. That having been said, Rocketman's a masterpiece. Yeah, Rocketman's good. All right. So, yeah. So, you know, fuck your nostalgia. Amistad next, baby. Yeah. Amistad. Amistad. masterpiece yeah rocket man's good all right so uh yeah so you know fuck your nostalgia almastod next baby yeah here's a movie none of you have any nostalgia for a movie people go wait oh right yeah oh oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah okay yeah which is a interesting counterpoint much like uh vince vaughn in this movie who we barely even discussed

almastod kind of tries to do the same thing with McConaughey. After McConaughey popped in, they were like, this guy should be a movie star, right? And no one could figure out how to apply him. McConaughey's pretty good in Amistad. But it didn't really click. Well, he was in A Time to Kill as well. You know, he was coming up. I'm saying Time to Kill was the one where he popped, and then this was the one where they were like.

We're going to talk about Amistad next week. Great. Get ready to listen to Amistad is what Ben said. Right, Ben? Yeah. Love you, Ben. And that's the show. That's our show. That's our show. That was the show. This was the first episode of Pod Me

if you cast. Nice job. Really rolls off the tongue. Oh, shit. One last thing. Oh my god, what? They go to the original Jurassic Park and he uses a radio and it's covered in branches and stuff. Overgrown technology. That's it.

This is the new thing you like as technology that had stuff grow over it? Yeah. Boy, this doesn't happen in this movie, does it? It sure does. Does it? Yeah, he makes a radio call to get the helicopter to come pick him up. No, they don't go to the original island. They just go to like a station. Oh, whatever. Yeah, he makes a radio call to get the helicopter to come pick him up.

No, they don't go to the original island. They just go to like a station. Oh, whatever. Yeah, I get you. You like overgrown technology. Overgrown technology, new thing. It's big, it's wet, it's good, you like it. Big, wet.

10 out of 10. Yep, yep. Okay. Thank you for listening. Please remember to rate, review, subscribe. Tell friends. Convert blankies. Post on our Reddit.

Buy all the merchandise we have set up by now. Yeah, totally. What if we just, now that we're recording all these episodes in advance, make a bunch of promises that we then have to fulfill? I love that. Great. Okay, so buy the merchandise that we have set up by now. Buy our tap-tap game. Yeah.

We're recording this episode in March of 1999. So hopefully by the time it comes out in January of 2017. Podcasts will have been invented. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All of that. And as always, Jurassic World is still like so, so much worse.

Definitely. Like it's like a fucking like aggressively uninteresting movie made by a hack. And it's also like culturally toxic. Great. Like it's bad and someone should like kick that guy in the dick. They should find Colin Trevor. All right, all right. They should kick him in the dick

but kick his dick so hard that he can't film a fucking Star Wars movie. Hey, come on. He shouldn't be allowed to make a fucking Phantom Menace movie. Thank you.

Bye. Pod Me If You Cast is the only one I've found that, like, makes any sense at all. Because it's the only one with enough words in it. David? What? I really like that. Pod Me If You Cast.

Because it's either the Lost Pod Jurassic Cast, which sucks, right? No, that sucks. That would be like if we were doing a 10-episode miniseries about the Lost World Jurassic Park. Right, that's the problem. It sounds like it's franchise-specific. Saving Private Ryan. What about a podcast? God damn it.

PC, pod official, castelligence? No. Pod me if you cast is good. Yeah, pod me if you cast is the only one I can. Pod already recast? Oh, I do like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull podcast. Pod of the cast? That, I do like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull podcast. Pod of the cast? That's too long, though, David.

Yeah, I think it should be longer. You're right. How about Amacast? How about the Podventures of Tincast? How about Saving Podcast Ryan? Wait, I came up with a better one. What about the Podventures of Castcast? Wait, I came up with a better one.

What about the podventures of CastCast? I mean, that's... But then it sounds like we have a Tintin podcast. I think... Like, it's about the larger franchise and intellectual property of Tintin. I think Podme If You Cast is pretty good. Yeah, I think that's what we have to do, right? Yeah. I mean, unless...

Yeah, unless you think Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull podcast. Well, if I was going to do it, I would do Potty Anna Cass and the podcast of the Kingdom Cass podcast. No, you wouldn't. It would be... Potty Anna Cass. Podcast Jones. Potty Anna Cass.

Come on. That's good so far. Podcast Jones and the Kingdom of the Benducer. I don't know. The name of the series is Pop Me If You Cast. Cool. Right? Okay.

Great. Pop Me If You Cast. That's a good solution. There you go. I did it. Okay. Are we ready to go? Yeah.

Yeah. I like that. Okay. I was turning it down a bit because Ben was blasting the La Tigra. I was in a La Tigra mood. Yeah, I know. Ben, did you ever play the video game Steven Spielberg's Director's Chair? No.

It was on the Mac. Me and Ben had a half hour conversation about Mac video games. Because he was Mac only, baby. That's right. Okay, I'll say this. This has always been my Waterloo. I've always wanted to have a Goldblum impression. I've never been able

to get one. You don't have one? I'm going to try it. I never feel like I've even come close. I mean, if it's bad, then I'll make fun of you. It's going to be bad and you're going to make fun of me. Great. You ready? This has been a UCB Comedy Production. Check out our other shows on the UCB comedy podcast network