Blank Check with Griffin & David - The Mysterious Planet Kamino - Attack Of The Podcast

Episode Date: June 30, 2015

It was a dark and stormy night on planet Kamino. Detective Kenobi was far far away from home. He wondered to himself in the rain: why did Sifo-Dyas place an order for a clone army 10 years ago? Why was a bounty hunter named Jango Fett chosen as the clone specimen? Who deleted Kamino from the archives? And then the film goes on to answer none of these questions. This week Griffin and David look at the Obi-Wan Kenobi space noir story line, including, meeting 50’s diner purveyor and forensics expert Dexter Jettster, Jedi librarian Jocasta Nu, and discuss at length the logistics of a planet that specializes in cloning.

🎵 Clones! Hello, I'm David Sims. I'm Griffin Newman. I'm keeping up the tradition, three episodes strong now, of starting off each episode with the most orally unpleasant sound I can make. People literally yank the headphone out of the jack. Clones!

Welcome to Attack of the Podcast. Griffin and David present. Yeah, so this is our podcast. Ben's shaking his head and laughing at me. I don't know what our thing is called. Back of the podcast. It's called either, it's called both, it's called whatever you want to call it. Just don't call me Shirley.

Hey, yo, boom, clones. This is the first time we have met since, one, Jake Lloyd was arrested for speeding his pod racer down, I don't know, the Boonta Eve, wherever he did it. It was the Boonta Eve Classic in South Carolina. the Boonta Eve, wherever he did it. It was the Boonta Eve Classic in South Carolina. And two, you made a really, really creepy graphic of me leaning on your shoulder for this podcast. It's a wonderful graphic.

It's amazing. I love it. I believe we're leaning on each other's shoulders. I guess so. I'm sort of, I'm behind you and kind of leaning on you. I guess you're leaning on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're entwined.

It's the two of us as Padme and Anakin. I had never seen that image before, the image you were using to put our heads on. I assume it's Anakin and Padme. It is, yeah. Well, much like the graphic that I created, the Obie Award winning graphic that I created for the Fanta podcast. I kind of want an Obie. I keep on wanting Obies for these things I do for the podcast.

It's so strange that you win Off-Broadway awards for these. We do this podcast together, then I spin off certain elements, perform them on my own at the Rattlestick Theater. They run for one night. They run for one night and I win an OV. And it's actually not night, it's in the daytime. Yeah, it's one day only. I found the photo shoots, like the promotional photo shoots for these two films are very strange. They're like very stilted. They did a lot of promotional photoshoots where it's like

two actors in front of a grey background and they're kind of just like trying to represent the energy of their characters. Because I'm trying to remember the promotion for this film, you know, because as we've acknowledged, like, ever since we remembered that this movie existed, like, our memories have unclouded a little bit

and we've remembered that we actually saw it in theaters a bunch and, like and we're fully aware of its existence. Yeah, it's all coming back to us now. And it had that classic Star Wars poster, like the Phantom Menace, this sort of big, painted, sort of you know... A Drew Struzan original. Sure. I've never heard of him, but

sure. Oh, he's the master of the modern American movie poster. But then it also had this one with very dark, with Anakin has his lightsaber and he's got his back to Padme. They're not looking at each other and it's like a Jedi cannot know love. Love is the last one. It's like a Jedi can never know fear nor blank nor blank nor love. And I don't remember what else.

So like the advertising was not exactly very eye-catching. It sort of makes sense that the movie didn't make as much money. Agreed. And it made a lot less money. Let's look at the final totals here, because Phantom Menace was weirdly re-released in 3D. Right. Years later.

Yes. So we have to subtract that from the total. But I think theatrically, in its first run in 1999, I would guess it made $430 million. Okay. Let's see if I'm right on this. Attack of the Clones made $302 million at the box office. Oh, I'm saying for Phantom Menace.

I know, Phantom Menace made $431 million. You are correct. Okay, so I was right on there. And Attack of the Clones was how much? $300 million. $302 million. Okay, so $300 million right in the nugget. But it made $650 million worldwide. This is before

the international market. I love that we're starting out with such boring nitty gritty. And Phantom Menace made $1 billion worldwide. But that's also including the 3D re-release. But there's a steep drop 3D reruns. Fine. But there's a steep drop off between the two. Yeah. A little bit of just, I think, maybe excitement being let out of the balloon.

Yeah. And title being Attack of the Clones. And it wasn't a good promotional campaign. No, it's not. It was not an, you were just not as, there was nothing to grab onto. Like, what, he can't fall in love. Oh, let me buy my ticket now and also

that first movie was not good and people didn't want to see the second movie Ben reminds us controversial opinion from producer Ben aka the Ben Ducer

aka producer Ben aka the Haas aka Hello Fennell aka the Poet Laureate who scoop David I don't know if you know this I didn't

today when we are recording this episode which you're not here for at't. Today when we are recording this episode, which you are not here for at least five days because we record them about a week in advance, is Ben's birthday. Wait, today's Ben's birthday? Today's Ben's birthday. Oh, happy birthday, Ben.

Thanks, guys. Aw, how old are you? I'm 30. Woo! Nail net. Yeah. Yep. 30 years old.

So you are, what's today's? Okay. Wait, I'm trying to figure out what your zodiac is. I'm a Cancer. You're a Cancer. Yep. 30 years old. So you are, what's today's? Okay. Wait, I'm trying to figure out what your zodiac is. I'm a Cancer. You're a Cancer. Yep. Classic. I'm pretty emotional today, too, so I'm living up to it.

Great. How do you feel about spending your birthday talking about Attack of the Clones? It's good. It's a good distraction. Yeah. That's right. This is for all of us. No, I was looking forward to today. Yeah. That's good. It's a good distraction. Yeah. That's right. That's what all, this is for all of us. No, I was looking forward to today.

Yeah. That's good. I'm excited to get to relive Attack of the Clones. Once more. Once again. For the second time out of 10. So this is going to be,

this is going to be a clones-based episode. We're going to dig into the clones. But housekeeping, it's Ben's birthday. Check. Everyone send him a fucking happy birthday message a week from now when you hear this podcast.

Send him a belated. Hashtag happy birthday fennel. Yes. Yeah, great. Please bake him a fennel cake. Not a funnel cake, though. Not a funnel cake. No.

It could be a fennel cake in the shape of a funnel. That's fine. But it has to be. But it must be made of fennel. Yes. That housekeeping order business is wrong. At least 51% of the cake must be fennel I'd say 92

It must mostly be fennel In the shape of a cake That can be in the shape of a funnel Okay now no one's listening anymore So what are you making at HBO? So that's Ben's birthday, check Creepy graphic, planning to win another OB for it

Check Promotional photo shoot I think those are kind of like the random photo shoots they do birthday check creepy graphic planning to win another OB for it a check you definitely will promotional photo shoot I think those are kind of like the random photo shoots they do during filming to then be able to like they put in front of very like color neutral background so that they could maybe replace it with sure exciting stuff backdrop make it a poster you sell at Walmart for kids sure you know it's always you always forget like they record the commentary like then like before the movies come out basically. It's sort of weird to think that all has to get sewn up right away.

Even if they must think while they're doing the commentary, God, what if this thing bombs? What if everyone hates it? Well, that's without invoking the name of my own personal Voldemort. Without invoking the name of my own personal Voldemort, I once had to do an extensive promotional campaign for a TV show that never made it on air with me in it. Woo! I did a lot of, like, taxi TV interviews. Yeah, you did a lot of promo images. Sure, sure, sure.

I know what my face would have looked like on a subway. Wow, I forgot about that. Yeah, it's weird stuff. It's especially weird when it's just then burned and no one ever sees it. But that was, like like two days of my life was like that's only two days alright

alright that's good to know it doesn't take forever no I think if the thing actually happens then there's more but that was yeah anyway

also Jake Lloyd Jake Lloyd ruining his life speeding down is it in South Carolina where he got arrested it's actually a really sad story South Carolina was the two worst things that happened in the Carolinas last week

were the Charleston shootings and Jake Lloyd getting arrested. Jake Lloyd, as much as there is a weird, creepy irony to the fact that he's getting arrested for speeding. Now that's pod racing. Now that is pod racing. But apparently he suffers from schizophrenia. Really? And he had attacked his mother because he's off his meds. So it's really very sad.

Who knew? I didn't hear that schizophrenia thing. You're getting this from TMZ? I'm getting it from TMZ. So you know. Well, I went down a rabbit hole watching interviews with him. He still does like maybe one or two like sci-fi conventions a year. He'll do the big ones in other countries where they'll pay him more money and he gets to travel somewhere and it doesn't get like uh probably as widely dispersed

in in america yeah but there was like video of him doing one in like ireland and him doing one in canada maybe um and they're from the last like 10 years i was watching all these and all of them he's like very um the one from like five years ago he he's clearly a very, very wounded dude. And he was like 20 or 21 at the time, I guess. Yeah. I think I've heard of this. And he sort of says like, my life is ruined. Yeah.

Like high school was a lot of people yelling those lines back at me and calling me like a shithead for ruining a movie. And like, I mean, look, we hate his performance. It's a bad performance, but he is a child. He's a child, and we would never do that to him. We would never say this stuff to him in person. We just record 15 episodes and unleash them in the public and the internet where they'll stay forever. Yeah, they are fully downloadable.

As long as we keep up our SoundCloud payments. Which, that reminds me, Jake, if you could maybe send us a few more dollars. We're coming up short on our SoundCloud payment. Uh-huh. No, but we're gentlemen. We would never say those things to his face. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. It sucks.

It sucks. We'll podcast them. We'll podrace them. What's the other interview you watched, though? Wait. The other one I watched was from, like, a year ago. And it was all the questions, like were going like so um anything coming up in your acting career and he's like well uh i retired 10 years ago so that was the last thing

i did and they keep on asking these things like so what about like a lot of child stars getting to like drugs and stuff do you think you're gonna like he was asking a question they were the questions were that bad are you depressing like so many people like you are that's seriously what it was and he was like so defensively like i'm just trying to live my life and he goes like so what do you do now and he's like i'm into editing and it's like oh okay so is that as exciting and he's like well i'm a different person than i was 10 years ago and this is what i like doing now i'm getting bummed out hearing you repeat things that he said in an interview. Like, that's how depressing this is. The guy says to him,

he asks him, he's like, so does it ever help with the ladies? Oh my god. And Jake Lloyd's like, what? And he's like, does you... He doubles down. He's like, does it help with the ladies? And he's like, I don't understand why any lady would be interested in that. And he's like,

so you don't play that card? And he's like, no, I don't play that card. And he's like, I don't understand why any lady would be interested in that. And he's like, so you don't play that card? Oh my God. And he's like, no, I don't play that card. And he's like, what? So you play the editing card instead? Like the guy backhands him by being like,

oh, so you're so serious as an editor now? Do you pick up chicks by talking about- What card's he gonna play? Now that's what I call the pussy fingering. Like what is he?

Who wants to? No one. Yeah, I don't know. Poor Jake. Poor Jake. But then again, it does seem like he's really in trouble now. Well, I didn't know it was that bad. Oh, and then the interview I watched a year ago, the guys are asking him, the questions

are like as loaded, but he just seems stoned out of his mind. Right. It feels like he has dealt with this pressure by just being. By medicating, yeah. Yeah. Oh, boy. So he's like chilled to a fault about everything. Sorry, Jake.

Sorry, Jake. We feel bad. Yep, but, you know, don't drink and drive or speed or whatever it is he was doing. Yeah. Also, if you want to be a guest on the show, we would gladly. Thank God. No way. No way?

Okay. You think so? I mean, I really actually would not from what you're describing. Anyway, he's probably going to. I do want to get an actor from Attack of the Clones on this season. I've made it sort of a goal of mine. He's not in Attack of the Clones. I know.

I know. Who would you want? Who would you want? New point. Rose Byrne's obviously the one I want. Well, I mean, that'd be great. Yeah. We talked about that.

We talked about that. But she's the best actor in the movie. That's not the best performance in the movie. We'll come to that. She's great right now. I mean, Rose Byrne's killing it. She's great in Spy. That's what I'm saying. I'm not saying it's the best performance in the movie. That's not the best performance in the movie. We'll come to that. She's great right now. I mean, Rose Byrne's killing it. She's great in Spy. That's what I'm saying.

I'm not saying it's the best performance in the movie. I'm saying she is the best actor who happens to be in that film. Yes. Of everyone in their present day state. She's doing the most exciting work. I'm just like running through. I guess you're right.

Well, Natalie Portman, I'm excited to see whatever she does next. Me too, but she's been laying dormant. She had a baby, she's been laying dormant. She had a baby she's been laying dormant. Black Swan I think is a tremendous performance one of the most deserving Oscar wins in a long time. But she's been laying kind of dormant other than the four movies.

Which I think she's very charming. She's fun yeah. But Rose Byrne's doing the most exciting work of anyone who was in Attack of the Clones. I want to get someone on the show. I think this season we're going to get more guests. We've been talking about it. I think we want to up the guest name. We got, I think this season we're going to get more guests. We've been talking about it. Oh, yeah? I think we want to up the guest name.

We got guests coming? I think we got some guests coming. I forgot to talk about it with you, but Ben and I have been talking about it. I've been talking to some people. We're going to get some guests. Okay. I don't know if that's exciting or not. Housekeeping, out of the way.

Let's talk about Dem clones. Clones. Clones. This is the titular thing in the movie. Last week we focused on the first 25 minutes, which I argue are full of intense promise. Yeah, I argue are full of somewhat deflated promise. Yeah, we already had this one. It's not graceful, but it's exciting.

You're saying it's setting itself up for something interesting and then blows it pretty much. Within a minute after where we stopped covering last week. And so we're going to cover a lot of that. I want to make it clear. I have a very real affection for this movie. Once again, it's just maybe because I'm so excited to be watching a new Star Wars movie. Of course. But the movie does really, like, kind of fly off the rails.

Right. I'm trying to remember where it goes immediately from the, you know, the Zamwessel attack and like what, what, what, what, what immediately follows? Well, David, interesting point. Today, I, in one of the more dubious financial decisions in recent memory. Oh boy. And you make a bunch of those i know uh spent 20 getting attack of the clones on my iphone wow so you you're saying you purchased it uh on itunes i already own it on on blu-ray but i want to be able to as a work expense yeah sure just have it to the ucb yeah um ben can you take care of that yeah yeah sure we'll just write it off no problem great happy birthday um i wanted

to be able to watch certain scenes, study them over and over again. So I have it here on my phone. Here's the Zam Wessel attack. She's got a lizard face. Oh, that's Zam Wessel. Oh, boy. She's a changeling, that one. It goes to them talking to Yoda. It goes to them talking.

Oh, I see. Yeah, it goes to them reporting back Yoda. How surprising. It goes to them talking. Oh, I see. Yeah, it goes to them reporting back to the Jedi. Yoda's in his flying chair. And they're recapping what we just saw happen. And we are getting, for the first time, a real look in the Jedi temple, not just their throne room, you know, their circle of, right? But like, we're seeing inside

the temple. I'm sorry, it gets to that. The immediate cut is to the room, and then it goes to them in the hallways. You see the extended stuff with the floating chair and stuff. Oh, and yeah, also Palpatine meeting with Anakin and sort of showing great interest. Yeah, now they're floating chair. Okay, so the movie kind of splinters off at this point, right? Right, right. Everyone starts following their little threads.

They start deciding, like, okay, Anakin, you're on Padme Detail. Padme Detail. Padme Detail. And it becomes this vaguely noir-ish detective thriller. It starts feeling like it's going in that direction where it's like- But not the Anakin plot. No. The Anakin plot immediately becomes like a teen romance, whereas the Obi-Wan plot thinks

it's like a noir detective like you know yes picking up the crumbs of the mystery uh and there's one scene basically no no there's more than one scene we're gonna talk about that today that's what we're talking about right now the anakin plot we're not talking about separate episode to that yeah and what's interesting is for this chunk of the movie the next like 45 minutes to an hour we're cutting between these two things but like dead on like because i was skipping through the chapters on my phone, the chapter breaks and it's like one and the other. One, one, one, one. Like it's back and forth.

You're not seeing any other action and it's like. There's no cuts back to the Jedi. I guess maybe that only just comes later. There's always this thread happening in the Jedi temple between Yoda and Mace Windu where they're basically just saying like something's up. Yeah, that happens like it happens outside of this chunk.

Yeah. This chunk is concentrated where it's just between those two forces. Right. No pun intended. But. So, yeah, we're talking about Obi-Wan. Yes. Picking up the thread of Kamino.

Right. And seeing where it takes him. So, he goes to the Jedi. He's armed with one piece of information, which is Jango Fett's little killing poison dart. But he doesn't even know this Jango Fett. He just goes like this dart that came out, that's killed this lady, it made her into a changeling.

She was very dangerous and dead. Also, by the way, this is a world with lasers, which are untraceable. Why did Jango Fett not just shoot her head off with a laser? Well, he's old school. Okay. He's a traditional bounty hunter. Slash assassin. Like, literally, why didnett not just shoot her head off with a laser? Well, he's old school. Okay. He's a traditional bounty hunter slash assassin.

Like, literally, why didn't he just shoot? Like, you know, they're talking to her. He's standing like 20 feet away. Oh, yeah. Why doesn't her head just explode from a laser bolt? Oh, yeah. Or those guns he has. Yeah.

Whatever. He's got cool guns. He's got laser guns that don't shoot bullets. You couldn't trace them. Yeah, you couldn't trace them. Instead, Obi-Wan has something to work with. I know. Jango Fett also, like, honor among thieves?

Like, bounty hunters killing each other? Do you think maybe that's why he uses it? Because he's like, I'll give you an open casket death, basically. I don't know. I mean, oh, you're saying make the body look nice. You know, like, preserve everything. Yeah, but still let you turn into a gross alien fucking lizardly. Come on, oh, you're saying make the body look nice. Make, you know, like, preserve everything, you know. Yeah, but still let you turn into a gross alien fucking lizardly.

Come on, that's her natural form. Well, is it? Well, we don't know. We don't know. And we won't know. She's a changeling. Does that mean she can change into anything? I guess because she died, that's her natural form. I don't know.

Who knows? Okay, so she dies. She dies. Obi-Wan takes the dart to the Jedi Council. They're like, okay, anakin you fucking get on pad may detail obi-wan figure this shit out right something weird's going on uh yoda and mace windu have disclosed that the force is weakening that their power they just do they disclose it to obi-wan or do they just talk amongst themselves? They talk to themselves. Which it is a monumental piece of information that they are not sharing.

And I think that it's supposed to be a mistake. I don't think that George Lucas is an idiot. I do think that he's trying to show us like, you know, there's something rotten at the core of this, of the Jedi enterprise here. Like, you know, they, I mean, Mace Windu and Yoda, they know something's up and they can't admit it, you know. And Anakin was supposed to bring balance to the force. And so far things have only gotten worse.

Yeah, they're like, bring balance already. Jeez. But it's also this tension of, they say, like, should we tell the Republic? Right. And they're like, look, the only people who know right now that our force is weakening are us and whoever this fucking mysterious Sith Lord is. Right. This Phantom Menace. Because he has the force, too, so he can feel it, that we're weak.

Yeah. We don't want that information getting out to anyone because it'll start spreading. And the idea, I guess, is that as the Sith power grows, their power is sort of eaten away, maybe? Is that the idea? I think that's maybe the vague idea. I don't know. And then also, it's like they don't want an army. The Force is always super vague.

And the problem with this is it feels like a total story contrivance because it's like you've established they have magical future powers, basically. Right. So it's like, oh, they're not working. Tap, tap, tap. Side of the TV is all fuzzy like, uh-oh, uh-oh. It feels like an annoying contrivance to explain away why the Jedi can't solve their problems. Yeah. It either needs to be explained a lot more or a lot less.

Yeah. The force is not very well explained, but you're right. We get a little too much. Right. And we're like, whoa, what can and can't you do? Right. You know, like saying like, OK, if they just explain the force by being like, okay, the force is a power that binds together all things in the universe. Yeah, life energy. Right. Like just a really sort of vague but like powerful sort of like mystical explanation. And then after that you just saw its effects. That would be one thing.

But like Phantom Mass makes it very clear this is a blood disorder. It's a blood disorder that like 0.1 of 0.1% of the world, of the universe has it or something. You've got little biological entities in your bloodstream eating life energy from the fabric of the universe. But wait, wait, wait, little boy, don't start crying. The good news is those things in your blood can help you push things without touching them.

You can jump very high. You can feel. You can feel when a worm is going to eat a lady and then you can burst into a room and slice it off. But only feel it like five seconds before the worm eats the lady. Also, you're never going to love anyone. Also, you cannot get married. Yeah.

Yeah, those little boners you've been getting, like, you're going to have to deal with this. Why, Master Qui-Gon? Because the Force makes it impossible for me to physically love a woman? No, I just... That's just the rules. Now that you have the force... Love leads to anger, anger leads to hate. They don't even really say it.

Do they say it? We're getting to that later. Yeah. We're following Obi-Wan on the trail... You gotta stay focused. ...of this Kamino... We're trying to talk about clones. Okay.

So he has this dart. He goes to them. They're like, we don't know. Look into this. Who's the first person he's going to turn to? Obi-Wan is a giant knight. He's well-traveled. He's well-learned.

He must know everyone in this whole galaxy. Who is he going to ask of anyone for answers to find out where this dart came from? Mm-hmm.

He's good old, roly-polyed, mustachioed, diner owner friend, Dexter Jetster. We have now completed My Holy Trinity. Trinity? Yeah. Isn't it a duology?

Well, it's two new characters entering My Holy Trinity with the existing Watto who returns. We'll talk about Watto's appearance later. Watto returns in a greatly diminished role. I'm not super happy with his performance. But with a greatly improved hat. He has a great little hat. He goes from no hat to hat. He has a great little hat.

Yes, Dex Jetster. Dexter Jetster. The owner of Dex's Diner. They call him Dex for short, but his name is Dexter Jetster. him Dex for short but his name is Dexter Jetster. He is a Besalik which is an entirely CG multi-armed what are they like four forearms and then you've got it's sort of like dino legs it's sort of like a big lizardy guy and then this sort of huge flapping waddle under the neck, like sort of a big throat pouch. Well, let's call it what it is.

He's got a frog face. Yeah, he's a frog. He's got a goddamn frog face. He's a frog. He's got a frog face. He's got a wide mouth. He's got a big gullet. He's got wide-set eyes. And then he's got a weird and congerous mustache.

Yeah. I hate the mustache. I love the mustache. I would be more on board with this if the mustache was gone. I wouldn't even give a shit about him if he didn't have the mustache. No, you'd still care because he's still got this like, you know, it's still a kind of a cute idea. Like he's got like the stained diner like apron and white shirt. And, you know, he's like, you know, Ben is just shaking his head.

It is pretty gross. No, but this is an important point we're getting to. We had complained about on the Phantom podcast. Yeah, no fun. No fun, A, but B, how there's so little within this universe that is relatable. Right. Right? Nothing with any kind of real grit to it.

But also with sort of like clear analogies to the world we live in, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because like even you're doing crazy sci-fi, doing crazy fantasy, whatever it is, we want to, if we don't have characters who we can relate to emotionally because they're all fucking stoic Jedi monks.

Stoicoic monks. Stoicoic monks. Hashtag stoicoic monks and tweet that to Rachel Dolezal. Then you want elements. You want to have the ships not work properly. Yeah, sure. You want to go like, oh, this is the sci-fi version of this kind of place.

Yeah. It's why I like the dregs of Coruscant that we saw in the first 25 minutes. They're not that dreggy. Midtown Coruscant. Well, but that's my problem with them. They're not dreggy enough. They feel a little fake because this whole movie is shot on green screens. I agree, but it's still a with them. They're not draggy enough. They still have... They feel a little fake because this whole movie is shot on green screens. I agree, but it's still a city.

I like that it's a city. Whole planet's a city. Yeah, but the rest of it's like this dumb Jetson city. Whole planet's a city. I like seeing people walk around throwing out death sticks, rethinking their life choices. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. Okay, so we get to this diner. Dexter Jetster. Dexter Jetster

feels like visually, even though he's an alien, he's got the mustache, he's got the greasy shirt and the apron, got a big old belly. He looks like the alien version of Pops' diner owner. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, what's, I know you keep talking. I can't remember what I'm trying to think of, the analog for him. He knows everybody, you know? He knows everybody.

That's the idea, right? He's just friend to all, enemy to none, but he knows the more grimy side of things as well. And he's kind of tough yet jovial. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like friendly, but he doesn't mince words and he doesn't suffer fools. But it's such a bad scene because Obi-Wan is so stiff. Like, you know, this is supposed to be, I think, a really nice humanizing moment for

Obi-Wan where it's like, yeah, sure, he lectures Anakin for like losing his lightsaber or whatever, you know, and he's a bit of a stern teacher. But like, here we see him, like kind of like the Death 16, but more expanded. He's like, Dex, how you doing? It's me, Obi-Wan. Yeah, they're chilling out. And Ewan McGregor cannot take it down. He just feels so stiff in that scene.

He probably was also acting against a tennis ball. Literally nothing. No, that's the whole problem with the movie. That is the problem with the movie. There's nothing for him to act against. A tennis ball. Literally nothing. Yeah. No, that's the whole problem with the movie. That is the problem with the movie. There's nothing for him to act against. Knowing that Georgie Porgie and his ways, knowing that it was 2002, shot in 2000, that we hadn't sort of made the advancements we had in motion capture. We've been realizing like, hey, it's helpful to have the actor on set interacting with the other actors and then CGI over them so that there's actual performance there. And that wasn't happening?

We don't know for sure. Don't know, but I would be all but certain. We'll have to wait until we listen to the commentary. Oh, we can't wait for that. But I would be all but certain that there was just like a grip off screen going, oh, yeah, I was mining in the outer rims. And this is a character with a lot of Like he's got a funny voice A lot of character to him

He's a real You know real quirky guy He's got a lot of personality And he's given out a lot of warmth towards Obi-Wan Ben loved that for some reason Ben is still laughing A real quirky guy It's a birthday present

Happy birthday Ben This actor's given it a lot And you feel like if like a quirky guy. Love it. It's a birthday present. Happy birthday, Ben. Happy birthday, Ben. Thank you. This actor's given it a lot and you feel like if Ewan McGregor was getting that much to work off of, he would have played it very differently.

If he knew. Hopefully. One imagines. One imagines. But I mean, my whole problem with Ewan in this movie is just that I feel like

he can never, he's supposed to have a little more fun. He never settles into it. And maybe it is the problem with direction and the filming style and all that. Save it for the performance review. Alright, Jesus Christ. What can I talk

about? Clones! So we're talking, I'm looking up Dex on Wikipedia. Any interesting information? You know, he met Obi-Wan first when Obi-Wan was a Padawan. Really? So they go that far back? He was running a bar in an outer rim world and... He was running a bar... I outer rim world. He was running a bar.

I'm sorry. I'm just mad. It's a space movie, and we're in a 50s diner. Okay, I want to talk about that. She's a short order cook. What is going on? I want to talk about that. What does Obi-Wan order?

I don't remember. Do they eat anything? No, they don't eat anything. Which is kind of annoying. I wish Obi-Wan could be like, get me some fried crack, crackle eggs. This is important. Get their green. Lest we forget,

this movie takes place a long time ago. True. In a galaxy far, far away. The argument is that Dex actually set the mold for the 50s diner.

Yeah, because we walk in here and there's like some sort of like, like, like very 50s, like doo-wop-y kind of like music playing on the jukebox. It's like a railroad diner in the 50s.

It might as well be like Pleasantville. Yeah, it looks like a Happy Days set. We should talk about Pleasantville. Oh, I love Pleasantville. Such a good movie. It looks like a Happy Days set. And the first thing we see when we enter the diner is this like waitress. She's got like one roller leg and she's like painted red and she goes like oh honey sit

anywhere you'd like oh right i forgot about that that was a real jetsons moment that's a character right out of the jetsons right yeah the kind it's down to the wheel like where it's like we've seen like floating robots we've seen robots with like legs like why does this robot so it's like kind of junky like that you know but the design she is very much like a 50s design of how a robot would look. Also painted to look like she's wearing 50s clothing. Also talking like she's from Brooklyn. Like, it's so Jetsons that you want her to go like, ding, ding. Like, you want there to be that sound effect of those sort of blinking noise they make.

Right. But this is like a real down-homey place. Down-homey. Dexter Jester perhaps created a 50s culture. Yeah, right. He established it. That in fact what we identify as being the

50s culture was a throwback to what Dexter had done a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Anyway, so their relationship, according to Wikipedia, had endured over the years and they kept running into each other. He had always dreamed to open a restaurant on car ascent i guess so he achieved his dream it's kind of and uh yeah you know he uh he didn't model it after anything he came up with an original idea for a restaurant just to be clear and as far as the first as far as wikipedia

as far as wikipedia knows He's still alive and cooking He doesn't have some tragic end in the expanded universe Where it's like he got shot in the head By a space assassin He bled out or whatever He's just running his diner I do appreciate that he actually has a Wikipedia entry After our face plant

Of last week in which every character We looked up had like one sentence Written about them that just described what we saw in the movie. There's a chunk. That's nice. Someone isn't slapping up. There's some comic book material about him, I think, because you got some panels from some comic books.

Oh, that's tight. Yeah, it's tight. That's real tight. What was I going to say? Here's another element of Dexter Jastor. This might just become the Dexter Jastor episode. No, we're going to talk about clones, but he's my favorite character in the film. We see the diner.

It resembles a sort of 50s americana iconography that we know then the next thing we see is the waitress uh honey sit where you'd like like she says honey which is a kind of like you know colloquialism that we haven't heard that's true that's true everyone talks so formally in these films like and like but it's so Yeah, okay, so she's got the accent. We're going to spend 20, 40 minutes on this fucking diner scene before we get to the fucking clone. This might just be a diner episode. Ah, diner. So, okay, Tony is set. It's the most shocking scene in the film in that way.

You're just like, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. He goes, I'm here to see Dexter Jetson. And she goes, Dex, sweetie, someone here to see you. He turns around. We see him. He's got the greasy shirt, Dex, sweetie, someone here to see you. He turns around. We see him. He's got the greasy shirt. Big belly. Mustache. Wide smile. We're like, okay, here we go. And then his voice comes out.

And I cannot... I've now watched the movie maybe five times. I cannot place his accent. Yeah, it's true. What is that accent supposed to be? Because you're so ready for him to go like, Obi-Wan, you fucker. How's it go? Like, for him to have an accent that matches the voice of the waitress, and he does not.

The actor is Australian, but it almost sounds like he's playing it Scottish. He's like, oh, Obi-Wan. You're not doing it right, but you're close-ish. It's so hard to replicate. Right, there's so many, which maybe that's a good idea. He's a melting pot? Yeah, don't have him just sound like like some brooklyn like chef like you know like don't find make it hard to place him he is an alien after all he's got like a scottish

like brogue but with the sort of like inflections of uh an australian but he's ostensibly doing an american accent right right it's it interesting. Who is the actor? I looked him up. He's like an Australian character actor. He hasn't done a lot. The voice is great. I mean, he's got an amazing, like, robust. Great.

It's okay. I'm not saying it's, well, once again, save it for the performance review. But I'm just saying that he does have this booming, powerful voice. Like, there's a lot of personality there. Ronald Falk. That's his name. Oh, boy, Ronald Falk. I'd fuck you so hard.

I don't know about that. I'd get four hand jobs from his four arms. Oh boy, Ronald Falk. God, fuck you so hard. I don't know about that. I'd get four handjobs from his forearm. I mean, yeah, he would be. He'd have a lot he could do. A lot he could do. Is he? What are some of his other cuts? It's a lot of Australian TV shows, including The Damnation of

Harvey McHugh. I don't have much for you. Okay, let's get back to the meat of what he he says because there's a lot of interesting information conveyed here. He's like, oh, this dart, you know, it comes from a Kamoni. Kamino. Okay. Kamino. Well, splitting hair.

Splitting mustache hairs. And he's like, Kamino. And he's like, what's that? And he's like, it's a far out planet. It's a good place to go if you like cloning. It's a planet of cloners. The whole planet does one thing. All it does is clone. And he

describes it as being like way off the map. Way off the map. Beyond the outer rim. Yeah. And like yeah really really really secretive. Oh this is a big detail. He says he knows about it because he found it in his prospecting days. Yeah right. He was a prospect about it because he found it in his prospecting days. Yeah, right.

He was a prospector. Okay. Working in the outer rim. Right. Found this planet. Was like, what's your deal here? They're like, we clone. He's like, what else?

They're like, nothing else. And he's like, cool. That's all I got for you. I'll come back if I ever need clones. So. And he says like they're, you know, a little reserved. Yeah, they're a little formal. They judge, and he goes, how do you win them over?

And he goes, it's about the strength of your manners and the size of your pocketbook. He says something like that with a smile, with a sly grin. They are south of the Rishi Maze, which is a satellite galaxy orbiting the galaxy. So he's interested in this. Yeah, of course. He goes, this is from a bounty hunter but it's also from a kimono camino okay jesus he's wearing a camino yep uh no the next character we see is wearing camino he goes to the the jedi temple archives that's right goes the library

talks to now just just so i'm clear, mystical fighting order, right? Mm-hmm. Jedis. Yeah. They put this one guy on the case. One guy. Okay, he goes to a forensics expert, let's say. Sure.

His buddy at a 50s diner. Right. Okay, and now he's going to the archives. Mm-hmm. Cool, all right. Armed with the knowledge that this is from the planet Kamino. Great. Yeah.

All right. I just wanted to make sure that... That's the thread so far. I mean, when you put it like that, Ben, it sounds great. Yeah. It sounds, though, like a ridiculous detective movie. It does. Yeah, it does.

It's so cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's the basics of it. There's not a lot of intricacy to it. It's like they get the assassin. The assassin dies. The dart, where does this point to? Kamino.

All right. They're moving pretty quickly. Up until this point, you're like, maybe he's going to have to keep on searching and we're going to see every time we cut back to Obi-Wan,

he's in a different place talking to a different person. Right. Meeting all different, you know. Nope. But I like the direction it's going into

up until this point. Goes to the library. Jocasta Nu. Jocasta Nu. Good old Jocasta Nu wearing a kimono. She is the Jedi librarian. And she's got, like,

chopsticks in her hair. She got like chopsticks in her hair. She's got chopsticks in her hair. She's a real fuddy-duddy. Fun fact about Jocasta New. Nope. I got one for you. Or any of those. I got one for you.

Go ahead. A little merchandise spotlight. Jocasta New was made into an action figure only a couple years ago after rampant fan demand. She was, no no joke the most demanded unmade Attack of the Clones character why? I don't know but fans are going bizarre they were just kept on sending emails

going make us Jocasta new and they were like it was 13 years ago get over it she's also like so annoying yeah like she to me represents everything that sucks about the Jedi which is like Obi-Wan is like Kamino is missing from our Jedi archives. Like, this planet should be here and it's not here. And she, rather than like, say like, wow, that's weird.

She's like, if it's not in the archives, it doesn't exist. She's throwing a lot of shade. Like, she can't accept that the integrity of her system could have been breached. So instead, a whole planet must not exist. But she also says it with like a kind of mean girl like well if it's not in here then it doesn't exist because I do my job correctly. Yeah Obi-Wan should be like

yo there's been a breach like you should be fired because he goes to Yoda and Yoda runs the question by a bunch of six year olds and the six year olds are like someone deleted it. Yeah. Like the six year olds can figure it out. Yeah. He's like, how, if there's a planet that's not in the library, how can it exist?

And a six-year-old's like, well, someone took it out of the library. By the way, one of the most wrenchingly awkward, like it takes forever. You notice being so sweet and sickly. Master Yona, someone deleted it from the Jedi archive. I love those kids. I love those little Jedi kids. This is, I think there's more tension between us this time. Master Yona, someone deleted from the Jedi Archive. I love those kids. I love those little Jedi kids. I think there's more tension between us this time.

You're a little more on the side of Attack of the Clone Wars. I'm a little pissed off at it. You're definitely a little pissed at it. I was so pumped for it, and then it was a really annoying disappointment. I'm charmed by so much of it. I get that. Yeah. I am too. They tell them it's not in there, right? Yeah, they tell them it. I get that. Yeah. I am too. So they tell him

it's not in there, right? Yeah, they tell him it's not in there, yes. Yeah. How does he find it then? I already forget how he then finds it. I guess he just goes there.

Yeah, there's like no real explanation. Everyone's like... Well, I mean, because it's like he knows where it's supposed to be. Yeah. Oh, right, right.

The question wasn't he was trying to find the location. He was trying to find information so he didn't have to take a whole fucking trip to get there. He was trying to see, like, hey, is there a number I can call? Is there, like, an email address? And they were like, nope, you just got to go. An email address. Dexter's told you it's in the outer rim. Just keep on driving.

Yeah, he says it's here. It's next to the, what's it called? The maze. Next to the old prospector mine. Yeah, the Rishi maze, which is a galaxy within a galaxy. I have no idea what it is. It's a couple parsecs away from there. He says that, yeah.

And so Obi-Wan is like, yoink, there's nothing here. I guess someone hacked our archives. No one deals with that information, by the way. This should be a monumental, because the way she's acting is like, that be impossible wow maybe there's a mole in the jedi organization entire planet not they're not possible the planet doesn't exist yoda shares this information with some six-year-olds and no one else doesn't spend yoda has like this real fear of shit leaking this whole movie so he's like i'm only talking about this with whoever's

in this room right now but with them them, I'll talk about it. I'll talk about it openly, but then never tell anyone else you fucking six-year-olds. So Obi-Wan goes in a really cool little ship. Yes. We should talk about that ship.

Yeah. The sort of ring engines. Yeah, it kind of reminds me. And then he detaches from it. It reminds me of like the ship in like Interstellar. There's the same kind of thing where there's like the ring around it

and then the ship is able to shoot off of that. Right, exactly. It can leave it. It's a great looking ship. It's red. He's got a droid in there. R4. Something. Something like that. R4 something something. Yeah. They go to the planet. They land.

Now, a lot of the planets we've seen in this Phantom Menace universe are themed. Oh, we got a desert planet. Coruscant's a planet where the entire planet is a city. That is true. Naboo is more foresty. Yeah, Naboo is perhaps the most diverse looking planet. Yeah.

It's kind of earthy. Kind of a nice earth. You're right. The others are all just one thing. Desert. City. This is the water planet. This is water.

This whole planet is pretty much water. They don't say it, but you see it, and it's really overcast. It's like dark as night. It's stormy. Yeah. It's raining really hard. It's how you know it's a weather planet because it's a planet where it never stops raining apparently. And

the whole thing's covered in water, and all the buildings are like Jetsons buildings. Like they're on sticks elevated above the water. And all the buildings are like Jetsons buildings. Yes. Like they're like on sticks elevated above the water. And they're sort of like saucer shaped. Yeah. Like they have that kind of 50s, 60s sort of world of the future designed to them. Right. Right.

They look like the CN Tower in Toronto. Yeah. And there are, this seems to be a planet. Yeah. It's just like oceans, giant whales, and then these very elegant little buildings. Yeah. So he jumps inside, and they're like... Just to say,

it's on that noir thread of like, you know how it's always like raining in noir movies, right? So, right, he goes to a planet where it's always raining, except then he goes inside like an iPod, basically. Well, this is where the whole... The whole set looks like an iPod. The mystery thing falls apart at this very moment. It's the worst. Because it feels like

it's rain, he's going to review this person, they're going to lead him to another person. This is where it falls apart. The whole movie I would argue falls apart at this moment. He does no work after this point. Everything I'm charmed by in this movie happens before this very point. And from then on out I'm frustrated with this film. There's still

a lot I like. Overall I'm not crazy about it but the movie falls apart. He walks in to I guess just like the front entrance of the planet. It's the visitor center. That's what I assumed. Is this the whole planet? Like, oh yay, welcome to the entry desk for

Camino the Planet. Doesn't even ring the door. Walks in immediately. A Camino in I don't know how you... Tonwi, I believe is her name. Her name is Tonwi and she is a, you know, they're these sort of tall, spindly, beanpole white aliens with long necks. Kind of similar

to Yariel Poof, but not his species, right? But with like a huge kind of classic, like facially they look like your classic kind of like green aliens. I guess so. They have like big, like entirely black. Giant eyes. Oval eyes.

Kind of cool eyes. I like the eyes because they have like sort of stars in them. You know, the eyes look like little space. I will say this is a film that has not aged well technically. Nope. The CGI is awful. Yep. I would argue these two characters look great.

The design on them is pretty solid. But even in close up, the detail work is really strong. The lip syncing characters look great. The design on them is pretty solid. But even in close-up, the detail work is really strong. The lip syncing is not great, I think because the lips are so small and they didn't have enough flexibility. Yeah, their mouths just kind of open. Their mouths just kind of muppet. But they look amazing. They look good. The only problem is they're so boring. They're the most boring.

Because they're just like, welcome, how are you doing? You're a Jedi Master, aren't you? The big reason I bought the film was so that I could re-watch these scenes like three times on the train ride here. Because every time I watch it, I just get so entranced by how they look and so bored by what they're saying that I just don't pay attention. Yeah. But I've now watched it like six times today. So here's the basic thing they recount to him.

Hey, your order is ready. It is literally like he shows up. He does not identify himself. He does not say like, my name's Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. But, you know, he's just like, hello. And they're like, you're the Jedi. You ordered those clones 10 years ago. The Jedi's dress.

Oh, that order 10 years ago. You're finally here to pick it up. It's just about ready. We've been waiting for you, pretty much. They lead him in. They bring him back to Lama Su. It's just about ready. We've been waiting for you, pretty much. They lead him in. They bring him back to Lama Su. Yeah, who's like, I guess,

the prime minister. Yeah. And he's like, your order. It's great. Those are the only two we ever meet. Yeah. We never see another one.

You see in the distance others training the little clone birds. All right. But those are the only two we really meet. They're like tiny in a wide shot. You see some other ones going by. But they essentially go like, okay, so your order, I mean, do you want us to ship it? Do you want to take it to go?

Credit or debit? Like, except PayPal. Like, they're going over. And Obi-Wan's like, hold on one second. Yeah, he's like, excuse me. What were you talking about? What? And they're like, oh, well, you don't know what we're talking about,

but let's just explain the whole thing to you, even though it was obviously done in total secret. Right, and they're like, you're Sifo-Dyas, right? Yeah, you're Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas? And he's like, nope, Obi-Wan Kenobi. And they're like, okay, well, you know Sifo-Dyas. I'm sure you work with him very closely at Order Keyplace. And he's like, Sifo-Dyas has been dead for a decade.

A while, yeah. I guess the implication is he died around the time of The Phantom Menace. Yeah, because Phantom Menace took place 10 years earlier so sometime with another character we never saw or heard referred to in the phantom menace is now dead and they go he placed an order for an army of clones and i wish they told us not that credits we know what like how they exchanged but like it must have been for the most ungodly amount of money. They've grown a planet of clones for the Jedis, I guess, or the Republic, or someone. They say, who's the army for? And they go, the Galactic Republic, of course.

It's like, oh, interesting. That Galactic Republic that's now voting on an army. And this order was placed 10 years ago. By a Jedi, here's how most countries, nations, work when they want an army. They go, hey, does anyone want to be in this army? Right. Or they- We'll pay you, perhaps.

Or they draft you. Or they're like, it's the law for you to be in the army. Right. They don't go, let's make people to make an army. In secret. Right. Now, we've seen some droid armies up until this point, but they're not great. No, they're pretty problematic.

They're governed from a central computer. You blow up the computer, droid army's dead. Also, they're glitchy. Yeah, they're shitty. They walk like babies with poop in their diapers. They do. I mean, anything that can be beaten by Jar Jar Binks is not really worth putting out in the battlefield. It's a real disaster.

Yeah. So this army, we learn, has been cloned from a bounty hunter named Jango Fett, a Mandalorian. Great idea. Build an army out of like a renegade assassin. Like that's a great, you know, stock to build from. I mean, this is- Obviously, we're told they've been programmed to be obedient. But we got to dig into this more.

It's insane. This is the craziest concept in the entire movie. So just to fill in the blanks here. So they go, Seifu DS, the guy's dead. And he goes, well, I mean, would you like to see the army anyway? Look, we built the damn thing for you. We'll give you a tour, right? Because Obi-Wan doesn't let on that he doesn't want it.

Yeah, he's just like all he kind of starts playing along and yeah i suppose that's going with the noir element where he's like stumbles into a situation but he can kind of play cool but like i mean it is not a convincing performance right but they're kind of like oh i'm so sorry no one told you i said for the s place in order so you you can just pick it up now they don't even ask for like an id card no no they're like this army is like almost ready. Like surely it would be pretty easy for someone to get some robes and a fake lightsaber

and be like I'm a Jedi. Hello. So there are a couple big points. That's all you need. Verification of Jedi to wear a robe. By that logic my grandpa could be a Jedi. My grandpa's dead. He never even wore it. I guess he wore a bathrobe.

Okay. So a couple big points of logic to attack it. It's two weeks in a row you've talked about your dead grandparents on this podcast. Yeah, well, the funny thing was they married to each other, and then they'd both die. No, I thought your grandmother wasn't dead. Well, we don't know. We don't know. Because I never saw him. And to that point, my grandfather might not be dead either. Right.

Um... Want me to cut that out? No, no, no. No, no, no. We're not cutting that out. Two big points of logic here. One, this is a planet of cloners. He makes it sound like, oh, that's the thing they're best at. When we get there, it's like all these little jets and houses look identical.

You walk in through the first one. They're like, hi, welcome to our clone base. It seems like literally everyone on this planet, whether or not they want to, has to work in the field of cloning. Yes. That is their one business. Now, I mean, are they always cloning armies or is it usually like- That's my big question. Someone comes in and they're like, hey, I just want another-

What else do they do? I want two dads. Can you clone my dad? Is it just like, great, someone puts an order and they're like, I need an army 10 years from now. And they're like, phew. That's the thing. Thank God someone came in and placed an order for a galactic army or else we really,

we don't have much to do. It reminds me of like, I met my friend's stepdad. I met him like right after the economy collapsed. And I was like, what do you do? And he's like, I'm a yacht salesman. And I was like, oh boy. Right. That must not be a great business to be in right now he's like yeah a lot of yachts being sold not a lot of people with the cash to buy a yacht and he was like but i'll pick up he was like uh well the when the economy recovers then i'll be back in business and it's like are they just that are they just like well you know every once in a while you get

a massive order that costs trillions zillions of credits right and other that? Are they just like, well, you know, every once in a while you get a massive order that costs trillions, zillions of credits. Right. And other than that, you're just like sitting around. One guy comes in. He's like, hey, my dog died. Can you clone my dog? And they're like, yeah, sure. And it takes five minutes.

And the guy walks out and he pays $40. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's the thing. What is propelling this huge infrastructure? We only see one building, but what we gather is that probably every building is also another clone planet. They can build a galactic army.

When? Why isn't this happening all the time? All the time. One Jedi was able to make this order. Yeah. Like, so, like, someone had the money to do it, one guy. So why doesn't another guy just go in and, you know what, make me an army too?

Here's another thing, like, you know. The logic of this is, is like it's beyond thin. Not to attack their entire business model, but also poor location. Yeah, right. The ends of the earth. Past the outer rim. The only way you're going to find that is if you're a prospector. Well, if you have a failing business, you're going to have to set up outside of the universe.

Oh, my God. Well, okay. So what was? We don't even know. Is this legal? Is it not legal? No idea. It it's never explored but they're not even in the records no one even knows that this plan exists other than dexter jets or helium is a prospector prospecting for what for space gold is that why they're there because the only people can afford them are the people who just found gold and a mine planet it doesn't make sense because it doesn't, like,

if this thing worked, then everyone would have armies all the time. I'd have an army? You'd have an army? There would be lots of armies. For Ben's birthday, we'd give him three armies. Whereas this is presented to us as a new, unprecedented thing in the galaxy. Like, for the whole Republic to have an army.

That's crazy. But these facilities are humongous. I believe that they can make the army, but it's like why haven't they been doing it for decades? So they're explaining to us like we genetically modify them so they're super obedient. They're suggestible. Right. We can train them to do whatever we want. They'll follow orders.

They grow at like an accelerated rate. We see like babies. We see teenagers. We're walking through the hallway and it's like we see a bunch of little like we see essentially like a fetus plant. Like it looks like the Matrix when they're harvesting all the babies for batteries. But instead it's just like, oh, this is just where we store the fetuses. And you take like five steps down. It's a bunch of kids on a computer.

Right. They're playing Mavis Beacon typing. They're learning how to be people. And then you go a couple steps down. We got like the 20-somethings and they're eating and it looks like they're kind of gruff and whatever. Played by Tamura Morrison. Yeah. and it looks like they're kind of gruff and whatever.

Played by Tamura Morrison. Yeah. Who is a great Maori actor from New Zealand. And he'd been in movies like Once Were Warriors. And what else? He's a great actor. He gives an appropriate gruffness to this role. I mean, he is genuinely menacing.

Yeah. He's in Speed 2 Cruise Control. Who can forget? He's in Six Days, Seven Nights. A Couples Retreat? That was after the fact? That's in Six Days Seven Nights A Couple's Retreat that was after the fact he was great in Couple's Retreat but he is really great in Once Were Warriors have you seen that film?

he's terrifying in that movie he's a really good actor he's a little incongruous in this again because of the accent you're like alright but you know he's good I like him in his very brief once again the first Star Wars film The Phantom was shot in england so you have a lot of british character so now we've got a lot of right australian pacific calendar oceanic because those are the people closest easiest to cast you down to fly them out but suddenly it's

like why is everyone we're meeting this week yeah have the same accent including sort of the alien diner owner everyone other than that waitress in this movie can i get your drink love every new character yeah other than the waitress no i get you sounds like they're from australia or new zealand this is indisputable yeah um and so we're seeing the grump and they go where do you where do you get these clones from? Who is the original? They go, you know, the man we cloned him from, da-da-da-da. And he goes, wait, I'm sorry, back up.

Who did you clone these people from? Who is the origin? You could pick anyone in the world. Right. So you go, who's the best fighter? Who's the greatest soldier of all time? And also, like, do you have to just have one guy? You can't have, like, kind of a multitude?

Is the idea that it has to be just one guy over and over again? I don't think so. Wouldn't it be so much easier just be, like, if you can modify the genetics that much? Maybe it's, like, at this point it's on autopilot. It's the presets, and now it's just, like, we're going to keep on churning out. We got the one DNA sample. We're going to keep on churning it out. Because who's this guy?

And they go, oh, right. It's some bounty hunter. It's some crook some low-level like it's so crazy sleazebag but cypher ds insisted isn't that the idea isn't it said like cypher ds was like jango fett that's your guy which why i have no idea yeah it says well they they say cypher ds you know brought him to it said this is the guy and they say you say, in addition to being compensated very well, like they point out that he's being compensated very well. Right. He had only one other demand. He wants one clone for himself but unaltered.

Yes. No adjustments made that he can raise. Yeah. He wants to raise himself as a boy. I kind of like that idea. Yeah, if it was explored. Right, which it is not. Were it explored,

it would be cool. But right, like the idea must be like, here's someone who obviously can't enter a romantic partnership. Yeah. Doesn't want to have a kid because there's two,

but like, what if he just had himself? Yeah. This is kind of maybe the Yaddle of the movie. I'm not saying that character is the Yaddle, but I'm saying this son whose name is Bob Yaddle of the movie. I'm not saying that character is the Yaddle, but I'm saying this son whose name is Boba Fett.

Boba. Boba. He also has a little New Zealand accent. Who plays him? Go on. That's kind of like, it's presenting you're like, oh, that's maybe a movie I would watch

is a guy raising a clone of himself on this weird planet. Because he lives there. Yeah. They go, can I meet this guy? And they go, oh, that's maybe a movie I would watch is a guy raising a clone of himself. Right. On this weird planet. Because he lives there. Yeah. They go, can I meet this guy? And they go, oh, yeah, sure. He's got a room here. So they're like walking past all these clones that look like him.

And they bring him in. And it's just back quarters. And this dude's now being paid so well. He's got a tiny room. It's really small. And he's still sort of just like, they go like, hey, where have you been? He's like, around. It's like, wait, you're still a bounty hunter? Like, you've been paid so well.

Yeah, why are you still a bounty hunter? Get out of the game. I mean, Midnight Run is all about a guy who doesn't want to be a bounty hunter anymore. And we know, by the way, at this point, that this is the guy who killed Sam Wessel, right? And we find out very quickly. I'm pretty sure we get it. We see him. He's a human being. Because we've heard his voice talking to Zam

the moment that connects the dots is we see him he's in just sort of like his classic fatigues and Obi-Wan starts asking him questions and he whispers something to his son Booba Fett in like some alien language and Booba Fett doodle

flee Booba Fett doodled flea. Boba Fett. Boba? Okay. It's a new character. I'm not familiar with him. He doodled flea, runs down the hallway, and hits a button closing a closet,

and we see that the thing on the other end of the closet door that has been closed is the armor. Right. The armor. That's right. The silver and blue armor. Right. So then we're like,

okay. And then again in this noir fashion but without any of the actual grist like Obi-Wan and Jango have this kind of like innuendo filled conversation

where it's like, you ever been to Coruscant? He's like, maybe. A couple of times. Recently? Fairly. How was it?

Oh, he goes, we're there for some business. He goes, was it successful? And he goes there for some business he goes was it successful and he goes fairly fairly successful and like

by the way no it wasn't no it was horrible it was a true bust he blew it yeah he did a terrible job anyway

maybe retire I mean not to harp on Midnight Run which I think is just like a platonic ideal it's like a perfect film fantastic movie but the crux of that film is

oh man, being a bounty hunter sucks. It's a terrible job. We all understand this is a terrible job. All De Niro wants to do is get that one big job. That one big payout that allows him to start a restaurant. That's what he's always dreamed of. He wants to be Dexter Jester. To speak in terms that

Attack of the Cloners will understand. Our attack heads. Our cloniacs. He is a Jango Fett who wishes he could become a Dexter Jester. And the second he gets that payout, it's like,

that's what he's going to do. He's going to get out of the game. Right. Jango Fett has hit pay dirt. But he's not giving up the old life. No. But why? And he's got a tiny shitty room. He could get a nicer apartment. We don't know anything.

We don't know anything about this character. It's never explored. This guy kind of seems like a piece of shit and I don't understand why they cloned him. Yeah. And he's like physically fit. Right. But also not the best human specimen in the world. I mean that's how he's being presented to us though. I think that's the idea. It's like here's Jango

Fett. Yeah. He knows what he's doing. He'll work. But even like, they talk about how like Mace Windu is really powerful. In this movie, it's kind of set up. That's why, that's Mace Windu's place within the Jedi hierarchy is that he's the most powerful force-wise. They say that a couple times. So like Yoda's the wisest, Mace Windu's the most powerful.

Right. He's like the best fighter. Right. Right. He's like the best fighter. Right. Yeah. So if the Jedis were actually the ones who asked for this army, they'd be like, oh, just get Mace Windu. That'd be pretty cool. Let's have a bunch of-

An army of Samuel L. Jackson's. Right. And they all have the force. That sounds great. But you're forgetting. Oh, I'm not forgetting. This was done in secret. That's why I said if.

Right. If. Right. So they're like, Saifah Diaz, 10 years ago, Jedi Master. He has this tense conversation with Jango. He meets Boba and he goes back

to the Jedi Council and they're like, we got no idea what the fuck he's talking about. Right. And they're like, is there any chance Saif-O-Dias did this 10 years ago?

And they're like, no. Because, oh, he's talking them through like hologram. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. He's still on the planet. He's like, ah, ah, ah. It's like a cold shivering and it's like,

just go back indoors. Like, they've got a still on the planet. He's like, ah, ah, ah. It's like a cold shivering. It's like, just go back indoors. Like, they've got a ton of space there. Find a bathroom. I don't know. Do anything. Right. But he says he's like, any chance? And they're like, no.

The timeline you're presenting, I think Sifo-Dyas died right before that. Right. Oh, oh. And he says to Jango, he's like, so what's the deal with Sifo-Dyas? And Jango's like, Sifo who is? Yeah, he's like, so what's the deal with Sifo-Dyas? And Jango's like, Sifo, who is? Yeah, he's like, a guy called Tyrannus. Yeah. That's who set me up with this gig.

He's on like the moons of Boogan or something. He says some silly nonsense. Fucking bullshit. Garbage. Right, he goes, a man named Tyrannus from the moons of Boogan. And he's like, what? So he goes to that and he's like, Tyrannus, Sifo-Dyas, any of this that make any sense to you? And they're like, absolutely not.

And instead of digging further into the mystery war, he fights Jango Fett. Right. He's like wanting to leave the planet and then Jango Fett comes out in his armor now and starts shooting at him. Kind of a cool scene, I guess. Yeah. It's a brain battle. We've never really seen Jedi versus non-Jedi who's not just a stupid battle trooper.

Jedi like and it's like who's not like just a stupid clone battle trooper yeah it is so bogged down by shitty CGI rain is really terrible like it's clear that the only thing that's real is a cool idea or that they're standing on and then the entire background the planet CGI the rain is CGI they're wet it all like it doesn't have a lot of weight to it but the actual fight itself I guess as, is well choreographed. It's pretty good. Jango's cool. He's got a rocket pack. Jango's pretty cool.

He's a cool guy. And he's got these kind of Wild West ray guns that he kind of... He's got two blaster side holsters and he flips them off. They look real tight. Tight's my word of the day. But then now I can't even fucking remember what happens after that. I feel like after that, he,

he, he picks up the thread and goes to that other, Mustafar. No, is it Mustafar? No, what's it called?

Let's look on my phone. What's the, what's the desert, Geonosis? Is that what it's called? Yeah. Yeah, Geonosis.

Yeah. I can't even remember like how he, after this attack by Jango Fett I guess he gets in his ship and flies away oh right and then Jango chases him and there's that kind of also semi

cool space battle he's got a really cool ship Jango? yeah and Boba's like Boba get it ready and Boba's like getting the ship ready. And then they have this space battle where like they're shooting these bombs that kind of like make no sound. And then they go like, vroom, like these sort of sonic bombs. It's sort of like he's in a minefield.

Yeah. And they have to get through it. That's pretty cool. And Obi-Wan just barely slips away. The big problem is, again, it's all just CGI. So it's sort of, it's a little lacking. But Ben Burtt really carries it over the line because the bombs are so cool. Ben Burtt, voice of Wally.

That's true. Yeah. I did the sound for Wally, too, but he's a fucking G. He's tight. He's the best. He's mad tight. He's got tight pussy. Those are my two words today.

He's shaking his head. Tight and pussy. Anyway, and then and then i guess obi-wan goes to geonosis and like gets captured right right because he's trying to why is this what i'm saying like there's this mystery thread that's what that's the only reason i'm following this like there's a mystery thread yeah obi-wan kind of uncovers the clone army it's so easy to follow for a little while you're getting piece of information after piece of information he asks a question He gets an answer that's

go ask this person. And then that whole thing is thrown away. And then it's, yeah, well then it's just time for the final act. So Obi-Wan just needs to be I guess imprisoned on the desert. It's not a desert planet. What is it? It's like a rocky desert planet. I don't know. It's like another

desert planet. It's like a bug planet. Ruled by bugs. We'll get to know. It's like another desert planet. It's like a bug planet. Ruled by bugs. We'll get to that. That's a whole other episode. But that episode will just be titled, All That Shit That Happens on Genesis. Because a lot of wacky shit happens on Genesis. Oh boy. But yeah, it stops being

easy to follow. And when he comes to the Jedi Council with the biggest questions yet, they're like, well, we don't know what to tell you that sounds crazy we definitely didn't yeah they're like this is nuts a clone army and we paid for it wow well none of us

approved that so and then and then they're like Tyrant and they're like yeah don't know who he is just come back home you gotta do your laundry and we'll get into this more later. But then this just sets up the end of the movie where it's kind of like they approve an army. And then it's like, well, it's right over here.

Yeah. And everyone, no one apparently asked the question like, excuse me, who are these people? And where did they come from? And what is this? Yeah. And if you take off their helmet, they all have the exact same face. And they all like ship off into these giant ships that are, I guess, already existing.

It's like, I mean, I understand that Palpatine's supposed to be sort of pulling one over on the galaxy, but was no one picking up the receipts and being like, where did all of this shit come from? Well, and this is the craziest thing to me, too. don't know where did these people did cypher ds pay up front quote unquote cypher d must have the camino insert like when i was like excuse you you were 50 percent uh your deposit but we're gonna need the other 50 percent who the fuck is cypo-Dyas on delivery who was this guy I mean that's the thing

what a dumb name like the movie is presenting questions and we're getting invested in trying to find out the answers and then we're kind of like

right so it's like was Sifo-Dyas an alias that a bad guy was using we know he was a real guy but was someone pretending to be him

or was Sifo-Dyas okay Sifo-Dyas let's read about this male human Jedi master last decade to the Republic. Okay. So he's old guard kind of guy.

Secretly. Apparently he did it. This is Wikipedia though. They're saying he did it. So was he kind of in cahoots with the Sith? Was he just like a real military aficionado? You know what? I'm just going to buy an army in case they ever do it.

Yeah, he was convinced to do it by Dooku. And it does seem like, and we'll get to Dooku later, obviously. But it does feel like he was a young Jedi getting swayed by the allure. Yeah, of an older Jedi saying, like, hey, things are bad. Like, we might need an army. The Jedi are getting weak. And he's like, you know what? You're right.

I should do this. Presumably Dooku gave him the money. I mean, it doesn't seem like Jedis are independently weak. And he's like, you know what? You're right. I should do this. Presumably, Duke gave him the money. It doesn't seem like Jedi's are independently wealthy. What's his name? This is all in the Expanded Universe, by the way. Again, this is never discussed in the films. Hago Damask, a.k.a.

Darth Plagueis, who is Darth Sidious' former master, he provides the funds. But Sidious doesn't know that he's a Sith, I guess. Right. Does he come from like a wealthy family? Yeah, he's like a businessman.

Yeah. He invented a good app? Like what did he? How did he get? He's a businessman. He has a company called Damask Holdings. I cannot tabulate how much. Again, none of this is in the movie. Yeah, but here's

like, look, I don't need them to give me all of this, but I also... A little more. Well, I need to get some impression of who Sifo-Dyas was as a guy. Maybe Dooku could later say, like, ah, Sifo-Dyas was just a pawn, like, I manipulated him, like, you know, into buying that army. Or even, like, he was killed

ten years earlier. Right. You know, Jedis don't seem to get killed that often. I guess not. They're pretty peaceful. I mean, we saw Qui-Gon die, but it's like

extreme circumstances. I would love it if they were like, yes, Cephaldeus got killed. Weird circumstances. Also, he was acting really weird

the last couple months of his life. Like not, you know, even if it was that ham-fisted, if it was just kind of like setting up like, oh, that guy was, something weird was going ham-fisted, if it was just kind of like setting up like, oh, that guy was, someone weird was going on there.

Also, aren't they mind reading Jedis? This is what I always circle back to. I get that Jedis could maybe, might be harder to read another Jedi, right? Because they also have, yeah. So like, that's the thing. When Obi-Wan's doing that like fucking like detective conversation, like playing coy with Jango, he also could just be asking him, hey, some weather we got here, huh?

And then just reading his mind. That's a good point. I totally forgot about that. You could just go like, so you see any good plays recently? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then just meanwhile be going like, this guy is Jango Fett.

This is the assassin. This is Jango Fett. Why don't they read fucking Zam Wessel's mind where they're like, who sent you? And she's like, I can't tell you.

They're like, well, too late. We just fucked it out of your brain. Now I can't read your mind. Anyway. to get too scared off by your lizard face um this movie's insane it's really insane this is an insane this is the most insane plot concept in the film there are probably more insane things that happen but the idea that there's just a planet that makes clones and like did it secret. That is the craziest thing. That is the biggest leap of logic the film makes. And I would say if it's a mile wide, the leap you have to make, it makes it like 10 feet across.

And then just falls into the abyss. That's being very generous. Exactly. And this is the interesting middle section of the movie where we're going back and forth between two tonally very different films. Right. One of which is this clone mystery detective thriller. Right. That then just dissolves into space battles.

Oh boy. And the other. Is. The romance. The romance. And then at the end of the movie, the last third, they just go like, I don't care about either of those. We're just getting some crazy space. Yeah.

They're just like a gladiator battle with monsters and Jedii war and clone fighting and lightsaber fight like you know that fucking c3 people's gonna do a harold lloyd routine which is my favorite we'll get all this late but it is fascinating they set up these i forgot about that they set up these two like really kind of clear genre exercises and like oh we're putting different kind of genres into the phantom menace universe right and then they just go like, never mind. It's the same Phantom Menace bullshit. Yeah. We're going to do that stuff.

Remember that crazy stuff that didn't make any sense? We're going to do a bunch of that again. How much time have we spent, Ben? What's our only time here? Over an hour. Yeah. I feel like it's, I think we've done well today. Okay.

So a little merchandise spotlight. Oh, exciting. A real one. I said there was a minor one with the Jocasta now, but not really worth talking about. Let's talk about how these figures they really tried to add. Are you doing the Kaminoans or Jango or the Crones? I'm doing, I will tell you in just a second. All right.

I'm trying to link the things to thematically what we talked about in that episode. So, you know, there wasn't as much in terms of general merchandise, but they did in classic Phantom Menace fashion make an action figure of literally every character. Of course. So we do have the waitress here. I mean, she exists. Wow, she's got two drinks.

Yeah, she comes... She's got the wheel. She comes to the stand because otherwise she wouldn't be able to balance, so it just looks like the floor. It doesn't speak, unfortunately. I would love, like, a deluxe talk. Was there ComTech for episode two?

No, scrapped. Right, just gone. Scrapped. There was originally going to be like ComTech was going to be improved and there was going to be an improved base. Maybe they could make it a little smaller. That was the idea. They were going to make them smaller. I found a whole – there's a website devoted just to ComTech technology.

I believe it. And like the great lost art of the ComTech. Yeah, replaced by ComTech. Yeah. Replaced by everything else. Yeah. But rather than have the ComTech reader, it was going to be that was just looked like the fucking communicator. Comlin communicator. It was going to be like a base and then you could put the figures of the ComTechs on it and the lights and sounds would happen. It would look like they were fighting and you get the dialogue.

Like they had big plans. Yeah. And then all that went out the window. So they had to add in all these different play values so as i said a lot of them had action features right to sort of replicate what they did in the movie but some of the characters who weren't super active there was a collection one and collection two and collection one was like here are the jedis they're all gonna have magnets and lightsaber attacks and all these things collection two was let's take the characters who are kind of boring

and don't do anything and try to sell it like they're more exciting. So Dexter Jester, my favorite character. But not a very active one. He's a gruff guy and he talks, right? No, but he's cool. Cool look. Yeah. He doesn't roll. Coruscant and Formit. What they did was they would for the characters who weren't active

give them whatever props they would have had in the movie, but then also give them force blasts to make it look like they were active. So Dexter Jester comes with the dart, but also just comes with a couple knives he would use to chop up food. But they have these weird force blasts on them

to make them look like it's an extreme active, like, oh, he's chopping away. What is a force? Like, it almost looks like a motion blur. Like, it's that blue tangled thing. Oh, right. So it's What is a force? I'm so confused. It almost looks like a motion blur. It's that blue tangled thing. Oh, right. So it's like you'd put that on the weapon and it would look like he's like, oh, what an aggressive chop.

I don't think it would, though. No, it doesn't at all. It just looks like he's got string tied around. Right. Let me see if I can find that picture with. This is the best segment of the podcast because it allows me to show you pictures of things that no one can see. What is the other thing?

It just looks, okay. Oh, that's so stupid. It's just someone put lightning around a knife to make it look like it's moving. It other thing okay oh that's so stupid it's just someone put lightning around a knife to make it look like it's moving it doesn't look like that's what it looks like yeah uh but he looks so stupid it's really dumb it's really dumb and it's like how do we make a uh just a fat guy who owns a diner excited to kids let's make it look like his knives he is a four-armed giant frog man he looks rad is that not excitement enough well that's the thing if you like maybe i, I loved him. He was my favorite character from the get-go.

What's the other character you like? He's also a restaurateur. That's true. Some kids want to be chefs. Pretty cool stuff. This is the one I'm very confused by. I understand sometimes they want to add a little feature, make it more exciting than it was in the movie. But this is going so far out of canon. They made an action figure of Boba Fett. Boba. Yes.

Jango Fett's son. The one. Who has the tragic end. Right. Jango has a tragic end. Well, and Boba picks up his head. Right. It's sad, right?

Yeah. So Boba, the action figure, little Boba, he's wearing like his poncho, like his rain slicker. Sure. Right? But then the accessories he comes with make no gosh darn sense, okay? Boba Fett comes with

Jango Fett's helmet. Sure. Is that supposed to be his decapitated head? Maybe. So he can pick it up and look at it sadly? A lot of people pointed out it makes no sense that he picks up and that Jango doesn't just fall out of the helmet.

That's the immediate thought. Does he super glue the helmet on? Let's not think about it. He also comes with a rocket pack like Jango has with blast coming out of it. Okay, so he's basically just a young Jango Fett. Yeah, but this never happens in the movie.

Look. Boba Fett's just some nice kid. Why are you saying, oh, let's put a helmet on and give him guns and a rocket pack? You're assuming an awful lot about Boba Fett that he's going to turn to a life of bounty hunter crime. The action figure company is. I know. That's what I'm saying. There's nothing to support that within the body of the film.

He's just some sad kid who doesn't have a dad. There's a lot of expanded universe stuff. know but you're you're informing kids play patterns now you're telling them hey you want to play a boba fett he's got guns he's got a rocket pack that snaps into his back you put the helmet on his head and now he's going to become like his dad a degenerate criminal who'll die in the line of battle now to be fair do you you know like i don't like that implication he's just a nice boy. Let him live a nice life. All right. All right. What were you going to say?

No, I'm not going to say anything. No, say it. Well, I think the Mandalorian armor looks like that. It doesn't always mean you're a bounty hunter. Okay, but still. You just have that helmet. Maybe he doesn't. I mean, look, his dad got so much money.

Yeah. He's about to inherit all of that. That's true. Go do what you want. Everyone should just start a restaurant. Everyone in you want. Everyone should just start a restaurant. Everyone in the Star Wars universe should just start a restaurant. Kamino could probably use a restaurant. It could use a good restaurant.

Oh, jeez. Because they show the cafeteria and it looks really bad. It looks like bland and dull. It's just the same food every time. Yeah. Just keep repeating it. It's Jango fat meat. Yeah.

We got a few spares, so let's just grind that one up. Yeah. It's just Django nuggets. Yeah, it's like if they're defective, like maybe it's like one in every 10,000 like is missing an arm or something. So like, all right, just turn that one into slop.

Yeah. All right. Is there any other merchandising spotlight that you wanted to show me? Oh, no, I mean, I think I did. No, you did a great job. Jocasta knew we're in the Camino. She comes with a bust of Count Dooku

as seen in the background of the library did they have fan demanded did they have like a romance maybe maybe that's implied I don't know age appropriate

Dexter Jetster has lightning blasts around his knives and Jango Fett comes with all these weapons what I'm saying is

I don't understand what they're getting out with these toys I don't even know if they know what they're getting at nah they're just shooting in the dark. The toys just got to be cool.

They got to be cool. Ben, final thoughts. It's your birthday. Oh, man. Well, kids, you know, try to enjoy your 20s because it's all downhill from here. Oh, I've been told 30 is better than ever. Oh, okay. Have you, I mean, how have the last 16 hours of your life been?

I don't know. Okay. Yeah. You seem good. I'm fine. Yeah. I know you're feeling like the existential dread, but you also like, it all feels like it's going all right.

No, yeah. Things are good. Things are good. You're fucking producing Attack of the Podcast. That's true. That is true. David and Griffin. You know what?

Griffin and David present. I keep putting my name first. I always actually put your name first too when I describe it to people. You're right. Yeah. I should be looking up. I mean,

I'm producing this great Star Wars podcast. And you love Star Wars. It's great. So good. Two of your favorite movies. Yeah. Love them.

Yep. Yeah. So good. But final thoughts. I just,. So good. Final thoughts. I just did not deliver. Did not deliver. If they're going to go for the detective thing, come on. Go for it.

They do not go far with it. It's an investigation where nothing's really answered. They give us bigger questions and then they just go like, well, I guess we can never find out. That's it. When the army comes in at the end, oh, God, you're so lucky. Second pack. David just got a really cool card in the Star Wars Card Trader app.

Which, by the way, continue sending us trades if you want. I'm Griff Lightning on the app. I think I'm David L. Sims. I believe so. And Ben is not on it. No. Shocking. But, yeah, thanks for listening.

Oh, totally. Thank you guys for for listening we will see you next week we'll hear you'll hear you'll hear us next week we're probably going to talk about the romance i think so and then we got we got a season full of guests ahead of us so i'm going to talk about that once we go off mic yeah i'm excited and please continue to tweet at timothy c simons please is he getting Twitter abuse? I don't know. I hope he is. Yeah, me too. I think I could deal with some Twitter abuse. He's a good man, but he's got to be taken down a peg.

I've become obsessed with taking people down a peg. All right. Tim's a great man. Take him down a peg. Fucking abuse him on Twitter. Tell him to be on the podcast. Great. And as always, keep cloning them bros.