Blank Check with Griffin & David - Unrest In The Galactic Senate - Attack Of The Podcast

Episode Date: June 22, 2015

The year was 2002. It had been 3 years since the Phantom Menace. George Lucas returned with his second Star Wars release: Episode II - Attack of the Clones. But did ol’ George learn his lesson and adjust to some of the issues that critics and fans had with the previous film? Is there a clear answer to what this movie is about? Who are the clones and what are they attacking? Griffin and David (having discovered this sequel) are excited to return to their investigation, and in this week’s episode, they dive back in looking at the first 25 minutes. Join your hosts as they get reintroduced to Padmé, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jar Jar Binks and a now grown up Anakin Skywalker, discuss the assassinations attempts, why Anakin has become such a jerk and what message Lucas has inserted in the film in regards to smoking cigarettes AKA ‘death sticks.’ Also, should Griffin’s merch spotlight continue as a segment and #PadmeDolezalYesOrNo?

Hello! Hello! Everyone just deleted their podcasts. I'm Griffin Newman. I'm David Sims. Welcome to Griffin and David presents... Attack of the Podcast. That's right.

It's here. Episode 2. Yeah. We took a week off and fans were furious. They're livid, but I think it's going to be worth the wait. God, David, I cannot explain how excited I was to watch a new Phantom Menace movie. I know. The second movie

in the Phantom Menace saga. No, it's thrilling. It was thrilling. Because there's infinite possibilities. Now they're new characters. You could do so many things. So many avenues to pursue. So many worlds to explore. Just to reiterate for anyone who happens to be jumping in, this is their first episode.

Griffin Day Presents is a podcast, an anthology podcast, in which we tackle different pieces of media content that we find fascinating. And the similar theme is that they are films, movies, TV shows, books, what have you. Hey, who knows? In which someone was given free reign to do exactly what they wanted. Coming off of a massive success, given free reign to do what have you. Books. Hey, who knows? In which someone was given free reign to do exactly what they wanted. Coming off of a massive success, given free reign to do what they wanted, and what happens in those circumstances

when an artist is left to their own devices. Right, and we spent 10 episodes talking about George Lucas' film, The Phantom Menace. Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace. We thought it was a one and done. Yeah, we thought it was the only film in this series. We knew he had grand ambitions.

For a saga, we thought they didn't work. But old Georgie Porgy pulled a fast one on us. Yeah, we thought it was the only film in this series. We knew he had grand ambitions for a saga. We thought they didn't work. But old Georgie Porgie pulled a fast one on us. Yeah, we dug it up. That crazy son of a bitch did it. Ep 2. He pulled it off. Attack the clones. It makes sense because episode one made about a billion dollars.

That was the weird thing in our logic. We knew that episode one was at the time of its release the third highest grossing film of all time. But we just could not think of that sequel. Yeah. Anyway, it's here now. We both had seen it. We totally forgot about it. Right.

I don't know if that logically makes any sense. But here we are. Episode two. We're cracking into it. And of course, we know that's the last one. You know, we thought it was a one and done. We thought it was a Jupiter ascending, if you will. Yeah.

But it wasn't. Now we realize. Yeah. Now it's like an amazing Spider-Man 2. They got two films into what was supposed to be a much larger saga. There were a lot of threads that weren't resolved. Oh, boy. But now we have the second film and we get to look at where we thought it was going.

A lot of threads not resolved from this film. So first and foremost, this is a sequel. Yeah. It's a honking sequel. To one movie. Okay. Yes. A sequel to the one i think we've

established which is called the phantom ass and sequels have a bad reputation they're very popular that's true it's often the box office it's often you know you go too big you know you you double down on everything you like before and that just ends up backfiring on you give more what they want until it gives you a tummy ache. Yeah, exactly. And diminishing returns is often sort of the thing. But it is that thing, how you just amp it up. But there are those sequels, those rare sequels that eclipse the original,

and that's what everyone's shooting for. Everyone's going for it. So of course we're going to try to solve what this movie's about, but I think we'll probably come up almost as empty as we did on Phantom Menace. So the bigger question, this investigative research into this film, is,

is this a good sequel? Right. Does this succeed as a sequel to The Phantom Menace? Is this a good sequel to The Phantom Menace in terms of what The Phantom Menace sets up? And this episode, much like we started The Phantom Podcast, we're going to talk about the opening. We're going to go a little further in.

Oh, yeah. The first sort of 15, 20 minutes. We're going to talk about the table setting. Yes. Yeah yeah that's what we're gonna do yeah starts out with that opening crawl exact same opening style which is so cool i know it's such a good idea like here's the format yeah 20th century fox fanfare which is film maybe my second favorite studio fan what's your favorite Universal yeah there you go I agree and the spinning around the globe which is exciting and also every Universal

logo in history is great you know how it changes they're always they're always classy they've all aged well what's the worst studio a Weinstein company no no

but of the big six of the big ones probably probably probably Disney really just because like it doesn't work with half the things. It doesn't work without the things?

With half of the movies they release. You know what I mean? They can only show it in front of the cartoons. Oh, yeah. Well, that's why for Marvel they have a whole new fanfare. They don't even do the Disney thing in front of Marvel. And Disney, of course, has bought the long-dormant Star Wars franchise. I know.

Dormant since 2002. This film was released in 2002? Yes. 13 years. Two movies that didn't work. They spent a whole chunk of money and they're going to reboot it. I wonder. You're spoiling that it didn't work.

Maybe it did work. I'm saying, I mean, it didn't work enough to do the third film. I know. All right. Look, maybe Paramount's the worst. I don't like that Paramount doesn't have music. That's what I don't like. I like the actual graphic.

Universal's the best marriage of the two. Fox, the graphic's pretty solid. The fanfare is brilliant. Of course. It's so simple, minimalistic. Anyone can do that. Anyone can summon that, I think. Warner Brothers has a great logo, but they always switch their music.

They sometimes do As Time Goes By. We could talk about this all day. When we're done with Attack of the Clones, because it's the last Phantom Menace movie to cover, we're going to do- The last film ever released, I'm pretty sure because it's the last Phantom Menace movie to cover, we're going to do... The last film ever released. It's the last one, I think. We're going to do Talkin' Fanfare. Yeah, we'll just, for an hour, dissect studio logos.

Yeah. It wasn't the last film released, because they did release The Judge after that. Yeah, right. There was a big gap. There was a huge gap between that. And, you know, studio audiences were really crying out. It's amazing The Judge did so poorly, considering it was the first film released in 12 years. I know.

You'd think the demand would be there. But, you know, maybe their fault for not bringing back any of our favorite Phantom Menace characters. Oh. You know? We're going to have to talk about that, by the way. A lot of favorites don't show up in the Phantom Menace. And a couple do. A couple do.

I'd say one of my holy trinity. One of your big three shows up. My big three. I was thinking that as I went to sleep last night. And I got a new big two coming up in this film. I don't think we're going to get to either of them today. They might be right after the cutoff point. I want to know who they are.

Well, I'll tell you. We'll get to it. Who's my favorite in The Phantom Menace? Bum, bum. Ba, dum, ba. Right, right. Okay, so yeah. Lucasfilm.

Lucasfilm. Georgie Porgie's back in full effect. Long time ago. Galaxy Far, Far Away. Exciting dead silence. Bum! All right, we're really annoying. Dum, ba, da, bum, ba, da, bum, ba, da, bum, ba, da, bum.

Yeah, so Star Wars, same title, episode two, Attack of the Clones, same scrolling text. It bombed the first time, but they're back. And the fucking title is rad.

Right off the bat. Attack of the Clones. Now, it's a crazy title. It's insane. Attack of the Clones. But Attack is an exciting... That's true. But it is crazy.

Clones. I mean, we hypothesized, I thought, the logical place to go for a sequel, you bring back the elements that people like the best. Yeah, we talked about this. Clone Darth Maul. Clone Darth Maul. The one, like, the hit from the, like, everyone likes Darth Maul. The breakout character.

Who complained? The only complaint about Darth Maul is that there's not enough Darth Maul. Exactly. So, like, you got your chance, you can redo it, you can bring back Darth Maul. Clones. Clones Darth Maul. Exactly. So, like, you got your chance. You can redo it. You can bring back Darth Maul. Clones. Clones.

Apparently you're allowed to have clones. That's the answer. He's dead. Well, no problem. No, he ain't. We got to clone him. You know, what would the worst thing have been? Would it have been an army of Qui-Gons?

Like the opposite way? Attack of the Qui-Gon clones? No, it would have been an army of Jar-Jars. No, but he's not dead. I suppose you could just clone him anyway. Oh, of dead characters? Well, I'm just saying. No, army of Qui-Gons would be Jars. No, but he's not dead. I suppose you could just clone him anyway. Oh, of dead characters? I'm just saying. No, army of Qui-Gons would be stoic, but not bad.

I'm going to bring back, they would have kidnapped a lot of slaves. Okay, do you have this crawl ready? I'm going to read the opening crawl to Attack of the Clones. Okay. There is unrest in the Galactic Senate. Okay, not exactly a barn burner, but unrest. But also- Galactic Senate, I don't know.

This isn't a great start. But I'll say this. That one sentence so far conveys pretty much everything the Phantom Menace crawl was getting across in like five paragraphs. Well, sure. If they can move on from this one sentence, it's encouraging. The thing about the Phantom Menace is its crawl begins the same way. Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. But then it gets into trade routes.

So there is unrest in the Galactic Senate. Several thousand solar systems have declared their intentions to leave the Republic. Now that's action. Thousands. That's forward motion. So many, not planets, solar systems. Yeah. So that's crazy.

And you know what that means also? The fact that they're telling us this in the crawl means we're not going to have to watch those fucking... Yeah, that's already happened. Right. Right. That's already in under... We're not going to have to watch negotiations. It doesn't...

This is interesting. The crawl does not say how much time has passed since the last one, but we're getting the impression a lot of time has passed. This separatist movement under the leadership of the mysterious Count Dooku. Okay. So there's. Okay. Has made it difficult for the limited number of Jedi Knights to maintain peace and order in the galaxy. I like this.

So you're giving our characters a real struggle. Yeah. Right. They're spread thin. Yeah. Supplying demand. The Republic. This is a civil war type moment.

Like half the Republic might be leaving. Yeah. The Jedi's can't deal with it. They've never had more to do, and it sounds like there have never been less Jedi. Right. Yes. Limited number. Senator Amidala, the former Queen of Naboo, is returning to the Galactic Senate to vote

on the critical issue of creating an Army of the Republic in capital letters. That's a big deal, because she hates the Senate. To assist the overwhelmed Jedi. I mean, I love this. I like it. I don't know if love. We were talking before and I was like, oh, yeah, it's better. But there is a lot of talk of Senate votes.

I don't know. It's better than Trade Roots. 100%. I don't know if it's like Stockholm Syndrome, if I'm just so happy to see another face for the first time in a while. It's just new plot, new plot. I got rock hard at that crawl. I did.

Was it at Army of the Republic in capital letters? Every part of it. I just like that we're getting so much information. Yeah. Okay, turmoil. Great, we know that. Ooh, all these different planets have left. Yeah, Civil War.

Right, the power, you know, there used to be this united universe, and now it's all split apart and drift. And also, it's moving on elements we know from The Phantom Menace. Yes. The Senate was all fucked up in The Phantom Menace. Right. The Lorem was a weak chancellor. Yeah.

The cracks were showing, and now they have, like, you know, they've come to form. One of my many problems with The Phantom Menace is that it was really taking baby steps towards something. Sure. It felt like he had a longer story he wanted to tell and he was moving very slowly towards it. Very slowly. Not much happens. No, at all. This crawl is immediately sort of like...

It's a good point. Getting the action I wish had happened within Phantom Menace out of the way. Phantom Menace is one planet is having one dispute with the Trade Federation. Phantom Menace is one planet is having one dispute with the Trade Federation. Attack of the Clones is the entire galaxy is on the brink of war. The Galactic Senate, apparently, I guess it seems like the Republic doesn't have an army, which was never addressed in the pilot. It makes sense.

There's no army. The Separatists have the battle droids. The Jedis keep the peace, but apart from that, maybe people have their own armies. I don't know. But yeah, so this is a republic army. And if there's more, you know, sort of discord throughout the universe, the Jedi's aren't going to be able to, you know, there's only so much they can do. Yeah. They can maintain the peace when there's not that much to maintain.

Yeah. When things are pretty civil. Right. But I like this, too. I mean, we said, oh, those Jedi, the Jedi Council, they're so smug they're so calm they're so judgmental i like this immediately taking them out of their comfort zone right they're stretched too thin you know i do like already it sounds like they're addressing a lot of our complaints because in the first movie the jedi just walk in and they're like we're handling this right don't worry about it this This will be easy. Negotiations were short. No staid, like, fucking, like, discourse about, you know.

No tea services. Right. Right. This is like. Oh, there's no TC-14, though. Is that, yeah. I know. I know.

I know. Yeah, it's okay. I know. Well, I mean, we actually didn't talk about it, but TC-14 almost certainly dies at the end of Phantom Menace when her dealership is blown up. David, I really don't want to talk about it. I'm amazed we never talked about that. Yeah, for a very, very good reason.

I never thought about it. She's dead, probably. Yeah. The same reason I know my grandma isn't dead, because I never had to see her dead body. All right. They can tell me whatever they want, but I didn't look inside the box. So I know she's still alive and just isn't calling me and hasn't for the last 15 years. Is that worse, that she doesn't like you anymore?

I don't know. She's 98 years old. She can do whatever she wants. Let me adjust my book. My grandma. I like everything this film is setting up. Yeah. No. Okay. So we're saying... It feels like the Star Wars

that I want. Unlike Phantom Menace, nice pitch over the plate. You did it. You did it. Civil War. Jedis are strained. Army of the Republic is in the offing, and Amidala is now a senator, not a queen. I would argue that for a sequel, if that's what we're talking about,

the pieces are now exactly where I want them to be on the board. I think it's set perfectly for the Phantom Menace sequel I want. Yeah, okay. I like that she's a senator. I like that she's lower status. But there's no mall clones. Well, we don't know that yet. That's true. From just an she's a senator. I like that she's lower status. But there's no mall clones. No Darth Maul clones. Well, we don't know that yet. That's true.

From just... An army of the Republic of... Yes. No, I know. I know. But I'm saying from just the crawl, we don't know. Right. We don't know where the clones are coming in yet.

So... But I like everything the crawl tells me. The crawl dissipates into the stars, and we see a spaceship. Another shiny-ass ship? Another shiny... Is it the same one? No. It's not. It looks very similar. It's very similar. Is it more slender? Yeah. Yeah shiny-ass ship. Another shiny. Is it the same one? No, it's not. It looks very similar.

It's very similar. Is it more slender? Yeah. Yeah, she's not the queen anymore. She's former queen. It's like a Naboo senator ship. Yeah. Lands in Coruscant.

Yeah. The planet that is a city. Yeah. Let's never forget. Yeah, the whole planet is one city. And Amidala gets off. Yep. And kaboom, it gets blown up.

Now this is, I love this because- Yeah, very action-packed, like punch to the face. It feels like he's immediately saying, hey, this isn't your daddy's Phantom Menace. Sure. You know? Right, right, right. I know three years ago you thought you know what a Star Wars movie is.

Some of you had some grapes against it, you know? Huge hit but not well received, as we've talked about a lot. And immediately it's like, okay, here's a scene we know. Oh no, it's another shiny ship. Yeah. Here's Amidala, she's getting out, and she's in her big headdress and everything and boom everything's blown up right terrible explosion yeah the explosion doesn't look great it doesn't look great we were talking about this but he's immediately setting the scene by going like

look that that that's not the movie we're making it even though you would you must remember phantom menace the similar thing does happen a ship does get blown up. But it's a little less. Yeah. It's a little more telegraphed. This is a little more exciting. This is immediately out the gates. Yeah. And so you see Queen Amidala or Senator Amidala with all the trappings.

Blown up. Blown up. Of course. What? There are two guys standing next to the ship. They have helmets on. One guy is our new Panaka standing. Yeah. He's another fucking wet blanket.

He's got one eye covered with some sort of patch. His name's Captain Typho. He looks like Maorian, maybe. Yeah, you mean like he's from New Zealand or something. Right. He's a Pacific Highlander. Yeah, something like that. Looks like a gosh darn Kiwi.

Sure. He's got a robot eye patch. Yeah. And there's another lady saying, a slender human standing next to him in a jumpsuit. Takes the helmet off. Who is it? It's Amidala. That may have been Amidala.

She's still doing those tricks with the fake outs. And unfortunately, she has lost one of her handmaidens. She says goodbye to her. Cordae. Do we want to look up Cordae on Wikipedia? I'm going to look her up right now. Because I don't think she was one of the original. No, no, no.

They're all different. Sasha Erotai. Cordae. Yeah, here she is. They're all different. Sasha, Irite, yeah. Cordae, yeah. Here she is, played by... It doesn't even say. I don't know. Yeah, she's not... She doesn't have much, but she does get to...

Wait, you're telling me that Irite, who didn't say anything, has this whole Wikipedia entry about how she was the runner-up for the queen and how she was trained in hand-to-hand combat? Oh, no, here's Wikipedia. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Because I was going to-up for the queen and how she was trained in hand-to-hand combat. Oh, no, here's Wikipedia. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Because I was going to say, if the character dies and they don't even take the time to put a page out to her, that's very disrespectful.

Yeah, Corday replaced Sabe. Corday also replaced Craig Ferguson on the Late Late Show. James Corday. That's true, very true. Jason Benz loving it. Played by a stunt actress for the explosion and by Veronica Segura for her death scene. Okay. Anything about the character?

Like I told you, she replaced Sabe when Amidala stepped down from the throne. And Versailles was also killed in the blast along with five other Naboo guards. So seven people die in this explosion. And apparently none of them were worth a full Wookieepedia entry. They died in the line of service. And her body was left behind. By Captain Typho's

at Captain Typho's assistance. All those fucking degenerate scum pod racers have long entries about all the women they enslave. Alright, alright. Let's start on a positive note. And Corday, who dies. Well, whatever. And not only does she die, she like apologizes. Yeah, she goes, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, it's pretty fucked up. Anyway. God. It almost feels like Wikipedia has more detailed entries for The Phantom Menace and slightly less detailed entries for this movie because people sort of stopped caring a little bit. Big drop off in the box office. Serious drop off.

This movie did $200 million less than the first one. Yeah, well, you know, that often happens with sequels. Diminishing returns, like you say. Anyway, so. But the stage is set. Yeah, and she's under attack. Yes, and I believe we next go to Chancellor Palpatine's office.

I'm sure you're right. I think it's a hard cut to that, and he's meeting there with a collection of people. And I think Amidala is there as well. And he says to her, like, okay, there is a threat on your life. Right. This is serious. Yeah.

You're here to vote on the Army of the Republic. Like, this is a crucial issue. Right. You know, that's why you're being targeted. There's some outside forces that want to have control of this. Probably by these separatists. But he's like, terrible accident. He says that.

He goes, this is awful. While I know it was awful for you still, we should be happy that it wasn't worse. You're still alive. We cannot afford to be this sloppy again. We gotta be on guard. And so she was like, what do you suggest we do?

Right. And of course, what about some Jedis? Assign a couple Jedis to the case. She's like, what about those Jedis you knew? Does he even say that? Does he say like,

he says something like that. Yeah, he does say like, you know Obi-Wan, right? Like, yeah. And I think her response is like,

Obi-Wan, like the guy who hung out at the ship, that guy? I think there's a point. I watched this movie three hours ago and i'm already forgetting but yeah i don't remember it's a slippery fucking movie it really is yeah you remember like a couple of the big set pieces but the yeah the plot like whole job i mean i've only seen it once though i mean i need to see it 10 times like i saw phantom i literally watched it

three hours yeah but he says something like i i forget she has some reservation yeah she's like but what about this and that and they're like what about those jedis you knew yeah right okay that's the thing that wins that's the hook and then she's assigned do we cut to obi-wan and anakin in the elevator pretty much yeah no i think we do there's an interesting point i believe is introduced in that scene maybe i'm wrong no it is introduced in that scene senator jar I'm wrong. No, it is introduced in that scene. Senator Jar Jar Binks. Oh, is that in that scene? Yes. Is it not after? Maybe it is. No, it's in because he greets

him at the elevator. Senator Jar Jar Binks. And I think the impression we're supposed to get is Naboo has its human senator and it has a Gungan senator representing the diversity of races on that planet. Yes.

It's sort of like Vatican City within Italy. It's like its own. Yeah. So like you say, and this isn't like, he's not a state senator. He's a galactic senator. Let's repeat this with Ingrid. He goes to that big room where all the

world, the galaxy's races are gathered. And he speaks with one voice for his people. Jar Jar Binks. In robes. He's all in robes. Senator Jar Jar Binks. That's right. He's, you would think maybe.

Because it's kind of established... It's been 10 years. I don't know if it's established within this scene or very quickly now when we see Anakin and Obi-Wan in the second. Now, this film came out three years after The Phantom Menace. So, whereas, you know, Portman is kind of being aged up. Yes. She's being... I think she's actually about her actual age now.

Maybe she's playing a little older than she actually is. Was she playing younger in the first movie? I think she's actually about her actual age now. Maybe she's playing a little older than she actually is. Was she playing younger in the first movie? I think she was. Because I think in the first movie she was supposed to be like 14, and the actress was probably more like 16, 17. But Allie Portman's a tiny woman, and she looks like a little girl. Yeah, no, it works. She doesn't feel as old in this movie as I think her character's supposed to be.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Here's a point I want to get to right off the bat. Yeah. I don't know if it's just because it's fucking in the news, it's topical, it's been on mind, I've been really obsessively following this story. What story? Especially in this scene where she talks to Palpatine,

but also throughout the entire film, is there not like a weird Rachel Dolezal thing going on with Padme in this movie? No, what are you talking about? What do you mean? I don't want to talk weird Rachel Dolezal thing going on with Padme in this movie? No, what are you talking about? What do you mean? I don't want to talk about Rachel Dolezal. The scene with Palpatine, she's got this weird permed hair, and she's very much dressed like an African dignitary. It's just on your mind.

Is it? I need to rewatch it. I remember what you're talking about. She has like a weird hairstyle in that scene. I also feel like she's weirdly bronzed in this movie. I think that they just were completely out of ideas with the makeup and the hair. They ran through all their good ideas

in Phantom Menace. They were like, Jesus, a whole other movie of costumes and shit. Now she's a senator, so it can't be quite as ostentatious. Her style is terrible in this movie. Yeah, it is. It's bad. The only time she looks good is at the end when she's in just the white jumpsuit. She looks her best.

You're out of your mind. Oh, maybe. I'd have to re-watch it. You mean generally inspired by African clothing. And her hair also looks kind of... I don't want to talk about Rachel Dole. And here's another theory I had, okay? I feel like the... I'm going to still talk about this for a second.

I feel like the skin coloration of the actors is a little weird this movie. Really? Yeah. I feel like the skin coloration of the actors is a little weird this movie. Really? Yeah. I feel like the skin tones are unnatural in this film. What? Part of this has to do with, and we're going to devote an entire episode to this, this was the first major studio film shot on video as opposed to film.

On digital video. Yeah. Not on VHS, which would have been great. Which would have been amazing. It was shot on- Shot and delivered, right? Yes. Delivered as a hard drive to a movie theater.

Yeah. On what was at the time the highest available resolution for video and now is a very low resolution. Right. And the film does not look incredibly good for that reason. It doesn't look great. At times it looks okay, but it doesn't look great. I would argue the entirely digital shots look great. And anytime there's a human element,

it looks a little... That's fair. Yeah. Yes. But I think lighting a digital video was a new thing to them. So you're saying

the makeup's just off. Applying makeup. I think the makeup is off and I think the other element is episode one shot in UK. Yeah, well, this one's shot in the UK too. I believe this one

was shot in Australia. Sure. Really? I'm going to look that up. You can correct me on this. I am almost certain this film's shot in the UK too I believe this one was shot in Australia sure but really you can correct me on this I am almost certain this film was shot in Australia I believe this entire film was shot in green screens in Australia you're right oh my god at Fox Studios in Sydney yeah pick up shots at Ealing

in Britain but mostly no no no you're right and then some Tunisia obviously that's Tatooine, and some Plaza de España in Seville, I assume that's some of the Naboo stuff. Yes. But yeah. So, my point is,

Natalie Portman is a very, very fair-skinned lady. She, much like me, has transparent Jew flesh. I guess so, but you're saying she was just spending some time at the beach. In the sun. It's a hot country. There is one scene in the motion picture Draft Day. It's my first scene in the movie

where I, the weekend before, had gone to a theme park. You're right. You do look kind of tanned in Draft Day. I'm thinking of that scene. It's my first scene in the film. I had gone to a theme park the day before with my buddy Tim Simons, who has... Of Veep fame.

Been in talks to be on this podcast. He needs to be on it. We need to get him on. Jesus, Tim. Tim, please. Does he listen? I don't know, but he wanted to be on it. I really want him to listen to it.

I want Tim Simons to hear my voice. Tim, you were great in Veep this season. If you're listening to this, please tweet at Tim and tell him to... Timothy C. Simons. Is it C? Yeah, Timothy C. Simons. Please tweet at him and tell him to. Timothy C. Simons. Is it C? Yeah, Timothy C. Simons. Please tweet at him and tell him to be on this podcast. God,

that'd be great. It'd be great. He's great. He's one of the greats. He is one of the greats. I love him. There's a great theme park in Ohio. It's like the best theme park in America. What's it called? Cedar Rapids. Oh, okay. I've heard of that place. Cedar Falls. Yeah, Cedar Rapids is a movie. Yeah. They have a ride based on the movie. Oh, sounds great. No, it's called Cedar Rapids. Oh, okay. I've heard of that place. Cedar Falls. Yeah, Cedar Rapids is a movie. Yeah. They have a ride based on the movie. Oh, sounds great.

No, it's called Cedar Falls. So you spend time in a hot tub, in a swimming pool, in a hotel swimming pool with a top of San Hache. Yes, exactly. We're way off track. We went on all these roller coasters for a day, got really sunburned. The next day we were filming my first scene in the movie. Yeah. You shoot

things out of order. Right. And they were like like you don't look the same this whole movie takes place on one day on the titular draft day right we've shot the scenes that take place 30 minutes after this and your skin is an entirely different color because i don't tan i burn you just burn so they had to try to put pale makeup over my sunburn and i look as my sister put it in my first scene the movie look and i quote my sister very hispanic you're a little puerto rican boy i look like a little puerto rican boy i look like elian gonzalez and then it goes away but for the first scene i look very doll-like and weird and i think the combination of shooting on video and that wasn't a tested thing and you light things differently on video we spent a lot of time on this i get it their their skin's a little tanned and i think

combined with the hair and the outfits let us never speak of this again padme looks like rachel dolezal if you have an opinion tweet at us hashtag padme dolezal hashtag ask rachel that's the uh that's the hashtag ask rachel that's the like funny hashtag on twitter where you want to oh really make fun of her. We don't know. We're using our own hashtag. It's hashtag PadmeDolazal and tweet yes or no. Hashtag PadmeDolazal.

You're a monster. Moving on. I'm going to keep this up for 10 episodes. Moving on. So, but you're really, come on. The next scene is Obi-Wan and Anakin in the elevator. And they are radically different from the last time we saw them. It is crazy.

Obi-Wan has long hair and a beard. He kind of looks like Qui-Gon. He's like been Qui-Goned. And then Anakin looks like Obi-Wan. He's tall. He's a grown man. He's got the flat top haircut and the braid. And they are fucking Jedi.

He's facially almost entirely different in a way that often happens when you cast different actors to play the same character. True. He is now played by Hayden Christensen, who at the time was not a well-known actor. No, he had done My Life as a House,

had come out a couple years before. No, Life as a House came out the same year. No, it did not. I'm looking it up. No, it did not. Because I distinctly remember seeing Life and... The year before, fine. Was it only a year before?

Yeah, 2001. I went to see... And he was nominated for a Golden Globe. He's really good in that movie. Yeah, whatever. I contend. Okay. I think he was also nominated for a SAG Award.

No, Kevin Kline was nominated for a SAG Award, strangely enough. And not Christensen? I thought both of them were. No, he was too. Yeah, wow. Thank you. God, what a... He like only missed out on the Oscar.

He was... Yeah, I know. I know. I know. I know that you predicted he was going to get a Best Supporting Actor. And I was following the Oscar race then, and I always knew he was never going to get it. They don't like it, you know? I was pushing for it.

I really liked him in that movie. It's a bad movie. It's a bad movie. I fully agree with that. Dumb cancer movie. It's a dumb cancer movie. About a cancer dad building a house. Yep.

Ugh, it's so shitty. And the house is his life, because he's going to die. So, yeah, he... But, like, it's a good question. Had he done much else? He was a Canadian TV star star that was his big thing yeah he just he was you know he'd been a couple episodes of goosebumps yeah which was shot in canada and are you afraid of the dark and then he's in which was shot in canada as well right and and then he's in uh the virgin suicides oh he plays one of the guys yeah but. But he doesn't, I think,

have a line in the film. Yeah. He's on screen a lot, but yeah. Attack of the Clones. So Life is a House. But I think, yeah. Life is a House. Yeah, I mean,

he was really plucked from out of nowhere. I remember taking my mom, not taking my mom, asking my mom to take me to My Life is a House because I wanted to see, oh, this is the guy

who's going to play the grown-up Anakin Skywalker. I want to see, oh, this is the guy who's going to play the grown-up Anakin Skywalker. I want to see what this guy's like. And I saw that movie. I didn't like it, but I loved his performance, and I was like, that's really exciting.

Okay. This guy's going to be the lead of the next Star Wars movie. And he shows up on screen and is immediately terrible. He's so bad. So bad from the get-go. Yeah, he's a disaster.

He can't read a single line without it sounding like stilted and horrible. And he's doing this weird I feel like I used to stick up for Hayden Christian a little bit because he's got a sort of a weird affect and you kind of just want to roll with it but he's really bad in this movie. Really good in Life is a House I like him in Shattered Glass. Yeah.

After Attack of the Clones he does Shattered Glass. I really like that movie. I think he's good but the movie is kind of playing to what's annoying about him. It's a perfect role for him. But I think he does a good job. He has a very, very specific vibe. He does. And I feel like George... It's not the right vibe for Anakin Skywalker.

No. George Lucas has greatly miscast him. It's terrible. And it's crazy because I think there was like a seriously in-depth casting process for this role. Like he must have tested God knows how many young actors. I wonder if I could find out who is like the runner up because I feel like I read recently someone who was the runner up

and was surprised about it. Really? Yeah. I know he tested them like alongside Natalie Portman and, you know, tried to make sure they would have chemistry. I believe there was someone who has gone on to a modicum of fame since then who was a runner up but this is an important part

okay yeah only three years have passed so no no I'm saying within film so Natalie Portman looks pretty much the exact same age yeah despite their attempts to dress her like rachel dolezal she looks the same okay uh obi-wan kenobi has the beard and the hair which makes him look older but facially he looks pretty much the same yes ewan mcgregor i think has modified his performance and has given it a sort of weight gravitas yeah i agree and so that's going to cross but it definitely feels like if you're watching a play,

and in between Act 1 and Act 2, 10 years pass, and they put a little gray on the guy's temples, and he just has to carry it. It doesn't look like realistic aging. No, but you don't really care because who cares? And the Jedi, who knows with them anyway. But then we have an actor who is clearly 10 years older than Jake Lloyd. Jake Lloyd is a child.

This is a grown man, basically. So there's immediately a cognitive dissonance. Yeah, because how old is he supposed to be? 18, 19? Tops. So other actors I'm seeing, Jonathan Brandis, Colin Hanks. Oh, widely rumored to be the runner-up, Ryan Phillippe. Yeah.

All terrible choices. Ryan Phillippe's terrible. Paul Walker. Oh, God, Paul Walker, my favorite. I mean, this says Leo DiCaprio, which was a long rumor, but that's- Leo DiCaprio, but was, quote, definitely unavailable, according to DiCaprio's publicist. Right. What's interesting about Phillippe being the runner-up is that they have a very similar vibe.

Same way of talking. They're both powdery, and they both sort of have this kind of like, they're like high voices but this weird slurred mouth. You know, like Gosling would have been good. Gosling would have been incredible. You know, someone like that. And you know who got- And right age, you know, right time.

Gosling at that point in time? He'd been in The Believer. Was that around the same time? I think it's 2001, yeah. He, up until that point, was largely known as a Canadian TV actor. That's true. Much like Hayden Christensen. That's true.

He was young Hercules. Yep. He had the Mickey Mouse Club, which was in America, but he was mostly doing Canadian children's television. Right. TV movies. You know who else would have been good as Heath Ledger? Heath Ledger would have been great.

Maybe he was a little old at that point, because 10 Things I Hate About You is a couple years old, but still, he would have been great. He would have made it work. You remember when Yoda was like, I sense a lot of anger in this kid. I don't think so. And we're like, this kid seems nice. It's a bad performance, but this kid seems positive.

Jake Lloyd. Right. I'm saying it's a character. Yeah, no, I know what you're saying. What's he bagging on this kid? This kid's got a good disposition. Right. Immediately.

Our immediate introduction to Anakin in this film, we're like, oh, I kind of see what Yoda was talking about. This kid's a fucking brat. Yeah, but it's shoved down our throats. Yeah. He is bratty all the time he's mopey he talks like this and he's like excuse me princess and like he's uh always got attitude and you're you know you're supposed to suppose that the reason for this attitude is because he's a slave who was taken from his family yep like that's where all of his resentment seems to lie. And as we find out.

And also the fact that he's like overflowing with skill and magic and power and he doesn't know how to direct it. And the expectations on him. Everyone's going, hey, you might be the one guy who brings balance to the force. And in the last 10 years, everything's gone to shit. Planets are leaving the fucking Galactic Republic. Bring balance to the force already, buddy. Right. There's a lot of pressure.

And what we learn in this movie, and we'll talk about it in another episode, is that the Jedi's powers are, like, leaving them. Yes. Like, they can't even, like, look in the future anymore. Right. That's how bad it is. Added to that, we also find out in this film, something I predicted in our last podcast. Okay, something you got right. Yeah, real impressive. Our last miniseries,

uh, the Jedi's have these fucking insane monk-like rules about how they can live and can't live well predicted well predicted good job Griffin yes they are not allowed to marry they're not allowed to you know

he's a kid he's fucking 19 or whatever he's hormonal what do they do with the other kids do the other kids just do they like get it drummed into them from birth? Like no girls, no girls, no boys. Well, yeah, when we were like going on those Wikipedia entries, a lot of Jedis were discovered as babies. Yes.

That's why they say Anakin's too old for training. So if you have no perspective, you don't know other things exist. Even if those hormones exist in you, right? Those things flare up naturally biologically. If you've been raised to believe that's not an option, I think, I don't know, they just fucking beat it into you. Whatever, they override it. But if you're Anakin and you're like,

like eight, whatever he is, six, seven, and you meet this like, you could tell he's got the hots for Padme in Phantom Menace because he's saying that angel shit in a way that like a lot of kids have a crush on their babysitter. Yeah, he's cute. Yeah, right, she's cute.

But she's beautiful. I always crush my babysitter. You know what I'm saying? I know, we've talked about just look right we talk about a lot but uh that sort of thing you can tell he already has those sort of like feelings urging inside of him you know and surging inside of him urging he's got the urge to surge yeah um and then they're telling like oh by the way you're not allowed to be with girls yeah i got it i got it I get it. You know? I get it. No, I totally know. So he had grown up being like, oh, man, maybe someday I'll have, like, a wife. And then now is, like, eight or nine, like, told, like, you're not.

Yeah, not going to happen, buddy. And so he feels really angsty in this. And can I point out something else? Sure. All Jedis have the same colored robe. Brown with white inside, I guess. Like a light tan. Yeah.

Anakin is rocking, like, this dark. Yeah Like a light tan. Yeah. Anakin is rocking like this dark. Yeah. Like black. Yeah. Deep brown. With like a big hood. Yeah. Why is he?

I don't know. I don't know how this shit works. Is that his choice? Yoda has like white robes though. Right? And he has brown robes too. I don't know. Okay, but it's the same. They wear very simple clothes.

They're on the same sort of like wedge of the color wheel and then anakin's at the opposite wedge like he's all really really dark because he's angsting because this movie is like from the minute one just being like get it get it anakin really angsty really really really like petulant and teenaged and angsty so is he like the kid with the school uniform who modifies it to make it more punk because he's like, I can't fucking, don't make me wear this. You see, I could do with more of that

because that would look good. Me too. This is just like he has black clothes. I mean, you barely know. You notice it and I'm like, huh? Oh yeah, I guess so. It's not cool looking. Anakin's not cool.

No, he's not a cool character. He's not cool at all. That's one of the biggest problems. That's maybe the biggest problem in this film. Anakin's not cool. Obi- not a cool character he's not cool at all that's one of the biggest problems that's maybe the biggest problem in this film Anakin's not cool Obi-Wan is like slightly cool

but you really want him to be way cooler yeah he's a little cool though but this is what I like Hayden Christensen's bad from the first second Ewan McGregor's doing

okay work yeah yeah I like him playing this sort of I like him better in this I do too yeah he does

let it be said and it's not throughout the film, which makes me think some of these things were reshoots, that he had to go off and film another movie, and there were modifications. Especially within his introduction, his beard looks so preposterously fake. There are other scenes where it's clearly a real beard. Interesting, right.

But other times it was basically just painted on, you think? And it's not a heavy beard. No, it's not. It's a trimmed beard. The length that's not. It's pretty slight. It's sort of at the length that you have. The Ben Dusser, a.k.a. Purdue or Ben, a.k.a. the Haas, a.k.a. the Poet Laureate. A.k.a. Hello Fennel.

Has. That kind of beard, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is harder to fake than a real full beard. Right, because you have to kind of apply this very thin You need the translucency where you can still see the skin underneath Which means it looks really shitty And his hair looks really shitty

I think he probably had a gap where then he had to go film Moulin Rouge Trim his beard and then come back God, he looks completely different in Moulin Rouge That's my guess Because sometimes his hair and his beard looks really, really fake And other times it doesn't He's in like Young Adam around that point Moulin Rouge, I know,

was shot in Australia probably around the same time. Because that movie was delayed a while too. Yeah, it was. And Phantom Menace probably had two years of post-production.

Totally opposite. Well, no, Moulin Rouge has a lot of green screen too. But Moulin Rouge, they built some real sets for that thing. A lot of them. Some great sets.

Yeah. His beard looks really fake. Oscar winner. Best actor. Yeah. Best art direction. His beard looks really fake. Yep.

Hayden Christensen's doing a terrible job. But i really like the interplay in this elevator you what you like i do are you are you crazy i do i like the tone it's like maybe once again stockholm syndrome i'm so happy to see a new face it's badly delivered i wouldn't say it's well executed but the film is making it's it's oh god, but the film is making... I think this movie is doing a poor job executing all the right things it should be doing. Okay. Where Phantom Menace is making the wrong moves and making them poorly. Yeah.

This film is like... We always said the relationship between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan is so boring. They're so staunch. I totally get where you're coming from. And this is kind of funny. Yeah, they're bantering. Master, I want to do this. And he's like, what did I tell you about doing that? And they're like I totally get what you're coming from and this is kind of funny and they're bantering master I want to do this and he's like what did I tell you about doing that and they're like remember that you know when we were in the bantha pit I don't know what they're talking about like they're like they've had a fun time yeah except it's completely completely missing from their performances any evidence of that they're not the lines well no they're doing

it's not well it's not that they're not doing it well. They're doing it badly. Sure. It's bad. But I'd also argue it's poorly written, which makes it harder to do well. No, but you're right that there's push and pull. Because in the first movie- They're funny. They're not funny, but they're trying to be funny. In Phantom Menace, Qui-Gon's like, we're going to do this. And Obi-Wan's like, but-

And then Qui-Gon's like, shh. Yeah. I know what's best. And in this one, Obi-Wan's like, I want to do this. And Anakin's like, no. And defies him and thus causing you know

some trouble some action some fun addendum they are not funny I would say their relationship is quote unquote

comedic yeah Obi-Wan's Obi-Wan had you know I hate when he does that like Obi-Wan has some funny lines

there's a light jokey sort of tone to me there is one funny thing in this movie. We'll get to it later. Okay. It might be connected to one of my two favorite characters.

But doesn't it set the tone for their relationship where you're just kind of like, I don't know, I feel like it makes Obi-Wan kind of look bad. Is my feeling. Interesting. In what way, Ben? Because it's just like, if he's letting Anakin get away with that, whereas if you think of the first movie, the relationship between him and Qui-Gon, it was very much more like he's my mentor and I have to listen to him. And I think Ben is right.

I think we're supposed to get the idea that Obi-Wan doesn't quite know how to control Anakin. He was thrown into it. He doesn't quite know how to direct him on the right path. And like you say, yeah, that makes sense. Because Obi-Wan is a brand new master himself but what does that accomplish

or Jedi Knight not master he's not a master is he a master no I don't think so he's a Jedi Knight whether or not it is well done

I do think that accomplishes making the characters more relatable sure which is our biggest complaint is that every

fucking character in Phantom Mass was a cypher right yeah I know what you're saying I know what you're saying I is that every fucking character in Phantom Mass was a cypher right yeah I know what you're saying I believe that every single movie should start with someone spilling coffee on themselves right or maybe an intern

spills like a whole tray of coffee why would anyone cut that out of a movie I just think you want characters who have flaws that you can understand are struggling to overcome very basic immediate things in their environment, right? And to see Obi-Wan, who before was just like this brown nosy sort of like dude, be like, hey, look, you know, I'm a single father.

I'm young. I don't know what I'm doing. Single father is a good way to put it. It's not well done, but I'm looking at it and I'm being like, this movie is taking the steps I want it to take. Yeah, okay. So what's next, though? They get upstairs.

Jar Jar is so happy to see his old friends. I'm taking the steps I want it to take. Yeah, okay. So what's next, though? They get upstairs. Jar Jar is so happy to see his old friends. Me, me, so Jar Jar. If it's possible, Jar Jar even comes off more stupid in this film than the last one. He has less to do but his dialogue now that he's in an official position. We should address the fact that it's pretty obvious George Lucas realized or realized that people didn't like Jar Jar because he is in like three scenes. And there's a moment. Like, it's so contrasted with The Phantom Menace where Jar Jar is in scenes he shouldn't be in, and in this scene Jar Jar is in no, like way, way.

He just has this section of the plot. He's only there when he needs to. A tiny, tiny section of the plot. There was a moment when he walks past the camera and gives this like smirk. He does. That's like, fuck you. It's like Jar Jar saying fuck you to the audience. Like, I'm still here. So yeah, he's there. And you're right, he does that's like fuck you it's like jar jar saying fuck you to the audience like i'm still here so yeah he's there and you're right he does seem more annoying it's because he uh

like people take him seriously and has not aged a bit in 10 years well we don't know how the gungans age i'm not saying physically i'm saying mentally okay that's true we all get wiser with age how is he a senator right he's a senator He seems dumber than he did before. It's true. And it's like, you know, I don't believe in, like, you know, cultural homogenization. But I do think if you're a senator, learn how to fucking... Be a professional. Proper syntax, Jar Jar, you know? Whatever. We've talked so much about the Gungans and...

Okay, so he's excited to see them and Padme walks in and doesn't really react. It's like, nice to see you, thank you for coming. Yeah, she doesn't even seem to acknowledge them as her friends. Because she's too busy being worried that someone's going to catch her for being white. And she almost got killed. Padme is kind of a pain in the ass in this movie.

She kind of is, but she's real stuck up in this scene. Yeah, that's what I mean. In the early parts of the movie. She sort of settles down. Okay, she leaves and Anakin is like, you fucking see that bullshit? No, she doesn't say, I think, I thought she acknowledged, no, she acknowledges it. She's like, Annie, it is you.

You've grown, blah, blah, blah. But with like very little emotion. I know. Because his dialogue with Obi-Wan right after is like, she barely even- Yeah, I know, I know. But again, it's all wrong. It's like like she does

it with no emotion and you're like why is she reading the lines this way here are her friends and then anakin is like it's like he's saying like my ex-girlfriend and she barely and it's like dude you were like a kid what are you looking for here you spent like a week with her yeah and he's like complaining to obi-wan like like she should be i don't know the whole thing is so weird like again you're saying it's making the right steps, but then it's just presenting them all the wrong ways. So, Obi-Wan and Anakin are on security detail taking care of Padme. Yeah. Make sure she doesn't die.

Right. This is kind of a cool plot setup. It's a plot setup is what it is. But it's kind of a cool one. It's kind of a good sequel plot setup. But also, it's a plot setup is what it is but it's kind of a cool one it's kind of a good sequel plot setup but also it's a plot setup unlike Phantom Menace where it was just like well what happens next it's a series of events

negotiations oh they failed let's go down oh here's some Gungans oh here's the queen here we've got she's been targeted for assassination they're there to protect her Obi-Wan needs to figure out who did it. And Anakin needs to protect her. Like very simple plot.

I think this movie is taking the right steps. Sure. You know, they might not be pretty steps. They might be awkward, clumsy steps through the mud. But considering how deep they dug themselves in that Phantom Menace pit, they're like getting out of it pretty well. Moving towards something kind of interesting. Oh, what's a way to get these characters back together

her life is under threat immediately stakes in every scene we're wondering is someone going to attack her is someone going to kill her what if they just like met at a coffee shop you know right there's a real reason for them all to be together

this is my friend Alex Chris who listens to Fan High Alex Chris he was the one who pointed this out to me yeah like Phantom Menace there's no spine to it yeah this one right from the get-go here's a reason this movie is happening.

And they have that line in the beginning where she goes who's going to take care of us? And it's like well you know we don't have an army. It's like hitting this point again. It's all coming down to this vote about whether or not to give the Galactic Republic an army. And remember this movie's coming out in 2002 America is now under attack.

America is at war in Afghanistan America's fomenting war in Iraq, which hasn't happened yet. But, you know, that's that's it's a totally different political climate from 1999. The boom years. And that's the question. I really actually think there is something to that. I do think that George Lucas is picking up that piece. I do, too.

He's always been a political filmmaker. Very much. And he wanted to make Apocalypse Now. It's this crazy documentary. You know, God, his like picture for Apocalypse Now. It's this crazy documentary. Yeah. You know, oh, God. His, like, picture for Apocalypse Now is the most amazing thing. You should read it sometime. Uh, George.

Oh, George. He's great. But anyway, yeah. Yes. Well, and it's the question, why would you vote against an army? The argument is, it's good to have one, just in case. Yeah. But it's like the atomic bomb thing.

Like, if we have it, we're going to have to use it. Yeah. And also, you know, it lets, it would let whosoever's in charge, like, impose martial law. Right. Like, it just, it's like, that could happen.

But he's kind of twisting our arm going, like, well, if we had an army, then we'd be able to assign people to take care of you. And the Jedi thing is like a quick fix. Like, who do we fucking get?

Oh, those two Jedis you know. Yeah. Good way to get the gang back together. Yeah. I like this, you know? And there are these stakes here. They have a clear mission.

Keep Padme alive. And then you've got dynamics here in all of them. Padme, she doesn't know what to do about this vote. Obi-Wan, he really needs to take a poop. He doesn't know when he gets to do that. Anakin, he's in love with Padme. He's a Jedi. It's mostly Anakin.

He's the one with a lot of things. This meeting is setting up a lot of bubbling tension in Anakin. And know, he's the one with a lot of things. This is, this meeting is setting up a lot of like bubbling tension in Anakin. And if they fail. Obi-Wan has like no tension. If they fail their job, it potentially, you know, sways the vote towards the army, towards militarizing. Right. She's a noted opponent.

But also, not just because she'll be taken out. Yeah. But also because it's like, well, if we had an army, then this wouldn't have happened. We would have had people to protect her. Yes, the Separatists are picking us off. Yeah. I like the way this stage is set. Yeah.

She's sleeping in bed at night. There's a tail outside the door. Obi-Wan's like, shouldn't you be in there? He's like, it's fine. I can feel everything happening on the other side of this room. He's like, I got a fucking Jedi. Lay off me, Holmes. Okay?

Yep. There's a weird scene where we see a purple, magenta-hued bounty hunter. Mm-hmm. Wearing a veil over her face. Yeah. She's handed a tube. By another armor-clad, silver armor-clad bounty hunter. Blue and silver.

Blue and silver. They're in the city. And this is interesting. But now we're seeing Coruscant. Because in the first one we were going, oh, the whole planet's a city, but we're only seeing the council. We're only seeing the Senate. Now we're seeing the dregs of Coruscant. A little bit.

I like the slums of Coruscant. Yeah. We get more of that. yeah we get more of that yeah it's sort of like uh i i feel like it's a little like like like tokyo inspired a lot of bright colors and light uh dark density density um very mechanical towers anyway she is given this tube like you say whatever he says there he goes, you know what to do with this. Yeah, exactly. I know what to do with this. And she pilots a little drone over to Amidala's bedroom.

She loads this little tube into the drone. And it drops two poisonous worms. Yeah. It's these gross slugs. And we find out, right, did you say this already, that Anakin had to turn off the camera because Padme didn't like him watching her. Oh, right. That was the thing.

So R2's in there. R2's back, by the way. R2's back. R2's back. The hyperdrive repairing droid we all know and love. He's back as her senator droid. I don't know what his job is. I'm surprised of all the characters to bring back, he's a weird one.

Not that interesting a character in the first movie, but here he is. He's better in this one, actually. He has like 18 times more things to do in this one. It is crazy how much R2 does. He's maybe the third lead of this film. Anyway. So they put R2 in as like a room guard. Do you remember as a kid you'd have those room guards?

Yeah, no, exactly. Those electronic room guards where it was like all it could sense is if something walked by it would make a noise. He's not that good. No. So that's all he can do. If something already is walking by him. Padme is already picking up a creepy fuckboy vibe from Anakin. She's like, don't fucking watch me.

Yeah, right, because she wants to masturbate in peace. His job is watch after me, but she's like, don't watch me like that. Yeah, right. Take it easy, buddy. I'm doing what you told me to do. Excuse me, princess. I can tell how you're fucking watching me. You're watching me in a gross, sexual way.

Don't do it. Anyway, the worms come in. They almost get her. It's a nice little sexual way. Don't do it. Anyway, the worms come in. They almost get her. It's a nice little scene. R2 alarm goes off. No, I think the Jedi's just sense it. R2's scanning. He's scanning, but the Jedi's just,

Obi-Wan and Anakin talking about the shit that Obi-Wan just took. They flip in. And then they're like, I sense it too. And then they run in there and Anakin chops the little worms in half. I actually like that. It's very cool because he does it very cleanly, but it's like right by her neck, you know? So then they look and they're like, where are these things coming from? They see the drone outside the window.

Obi-Wan goes like, I'm on it. Jumps through the window and grabs it. It's pretty cool. It's pretty badass. It is pretty cool. And so now Obi-Wan is like flying through the dregs of Coruscant. Yeah. Like the lower level.

I guess so. We're not on the floor yet. We're in the, you know, he's in the air because it's flying around. Okay, if we go like Coruscant since it's all one city, Uptown, Downtown, Midtown wouldn't be relative. Yeah, it's like sky high. You know, I get you. So Uptown would be like the Jedi Council, the Senate,

these tall buildings that are very clean and sort of silvery. We're going down and it's like, you know, murky colors with neon lights. Yeah, it's kind of Blade Runner-y with all the neon lights and stuff like that. We're in Midtown, so we're like right above

the downtown buildings, I would say. Except Blade Runner, obviously, is like a masterpiece of design, and this is like completely half-assed and doesn't look that good. Yeah,

but I like that we're getting a different kind of energy. I do too, because Anakin hot wires, I think, like a little car. Oh, a speeder. Yeah.

Right? Does he just steal it? I wasn't clear if that's like theirs or if he just nicks it. No, he nicks it. Yeah. It's a speeder. Yeah. And Anakin knows the speeder because he took the test and it's different than a spaceship.

Yeah. Ship, speeder. Yeah. We've talked about it. Oh, I know what you're talking about. So he steals the speeder and they're in pursuit. Yeah. And I would say this is a successful part of the film. I would too. talked about oh i know so he steals the speeder and they yeah they're in pursuit yeah and i would

say this is a successful part of the film it could be a lot better but it works pretty well like there's some banter there's a good actually one at the top we're invested in who the characters are it's new it looks different from you know you're still like you're saying we're seeing carl rassan uh it's happening in you know the surface you're saying, we're seeing cars, it's happening in the surface of the cars flying everywhere. It's like a totally different environment. And there are a lot of character beats within it. I mean, like, Obi-Wan is holding onto this drone flying through. Eventually he ends up

in the speeder with Anakin, and it becomes a running bit of, like, how dangerous a driver Anakin is. He's crazy, and he does all kinds of wacky stunts, and he's always losing his lightsaber. i wouldn't say it's funny but i would say it is attempting to be funny in a way i appreciate i agree it's like a shitty rush hour ripoff where it's like man what have i told you about like i don't love the

delivery of i hate when he does that when anakin jumps out of the car to land on her space car zam wessel that's her name right yeah um but you know i appreciate it like that's the thing to aim for i like the direction they're going into here's the big point though uh they've just left padme by herself that is true their one job is there any protector there oh no oh r2d2 who fucking failed before jar Jar Jar's out he wasn't he's not in her bedroom it's true why right now she's defenseless why doesn't another assassin the the silver guy why doesn't he's not in her bedroom it's true why right now she's defenseless why doesn't another assassin the the silver guy why doesn't he just show up and just fucking shoot her dead right there and then why doesn't like obi-wan jump on the the drone and anakin go like well i'll stay

well anakin's impulsive though i mean that's part of it right he does a lot of impulsive things he flies through some power couplings yeah and ob-Wan complains about that. He loses his lightsaber. And then they land at a bar, which is a good scene. It's, once again, a very different environment than we've seen in Phantom Menace. Ben doesn't like it. They land at a bar.

Ben hates this movie. Ben hates this podcast. They land at a bar. No, I don't hate this podcast. But you do hate this movie. I can now grab Ben. It's the worst. Ben, okay, of the three movies we've discussed on this podcast,

all three of which you hate, how would you rank The Judge, Phantom Menace, and Attack of the Clones? Oh, that's so tough. Well, we're just getting into it, so I'll say Attack is like I can bear. It's fresh. Yeah, it's fresh. It's still got some intrigue in it.

I haven't had to listen to like nine more episodes yet. And then I'll go Judge next. You hate Phantom Menace more than The Judge? Yeah. Yeah, I do. I definitely hate The Judge the most. Me too. No question.

I mean, I didn't watch the whole movie. I think I like Phantom the best of these three movies. I like Attack right now. All right. Well, let's see. Anyway, I just want to get to, I like that scene where they go to the bar and Mouse from The Matrix says, do you want some death sticks?

One of my two favorite characters in the film. Oh, is that fucking guy? Evan Sleazebagano. Is his name? Is his name? So his name is Evan. I'm sorry, it's Evan-o. So it's not

a human name. They added an O at the end so it sounds different. Oh sure. Evano. Cause he's got like hair or ears or something or antenna. Sleaze Bagano. I'm looking him up. And he is selling death sticks. Right, it's like

some kind of drug. So here's the thing. Sometimes filmmakers add subtext into their movies. No, come on. This movie's called Attack of the Clones. There's no subtext. Sometimes there's surface things that the characters are saying, and then there are things you can sort of imply.

There's a big argument right now about whether or not Jurassic World is sexist and how it treats its female character. Sure. Which I think it is. I think it's casually sexist. Right. It's not a didactically sexist movie, but yeah. I don't think Colin Trevorrow hates women, but I think he doesn't.

I think he hates me because he made that movie that I didn't like. Yeah. No, yeah. I mean, Jurassic World is like a, right, a casually, it's not terrible. She has her moments. It kind of feels like a women should be in the kitchen movie. A little bit. It's very much like.

It's a little like let the guy boss her around. I don't know. I think that. And it's also. I honestly think he really just fucked up and didn't think about it. Just to defend him, even though I don't like him. In interviews, he talks like he thought so much about every element, though. So it's like, either he's a poser or he's an idiot.

But I think he just saw her as representing a lot of types, which is sort of the, you know, I don't want to talk about Jurassic World. I don't either, but I will just say, at the beginning of the film, she's presented- Worse than this movie. No question. Jurassic World was worse than't either, but I will just say, at the beginning of the film, she's presented... Worse than this movie. No question. Jurassic World was worse than Attack of the Clones. No question. Because it had no ounce of imagination in it, whereas Attack of the Clones at least has some imagination, even if it's misapplied.

And there wasn't one sequence I liked. Yeah. Like, Phantom Menace has the pod racing. This has some things I really like in it. It does. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We'll get to them. I really like in it. It does. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We'll get to them. I would say this movie,

compared to both Phantom Menace and Jurassic World, not the judge, is more of a drag than either of those movies. But Phantom Menace and Jurassic World, they move at a pretty good clip. This movie is drag.

It has a lot of fat. It's too long and it has a lot of scenes that are boring. But the first 20 minutes move like a speeder. First 20 minutes. I was boring. But the first 20 minutes move like a speeder. First 20 minutes. I was watching it.

The first 20 minutes move like a speeder. I was watching it. Yeah, put that quote on the box, Georgie Porgy. I was watching it and I turned to my roommates and I went, wait, I think I love this movie. No. The first 20 minutes I felt like I loved it. Maybe it was lowered expectations. I don't know what it was, but I felt like I loved it.

And I was like, this is moving fast. A lot's happening. Yeah. And then the next hour and 20 minutes two hours and 20 it's two hours and it's two hours and 20 minutes yeah so the next two hours of the film proceed to feel like seven or eight yeah there's sludge there's moments there's pieces that are a little exciting but it's really really really slow going and it's really badly done there's great stuff man i would continue stuff um we'll talk about maybe i'll we'll talk about it yeah uh just want to quickly say the annoying thing for me about jurassic world is that she's a stuck-up lady who's humorless and heartless all she cares about is business she does care about her her nephews at the end and that's what makes

her a human being and there's the whole thing with judy greer as her sister shaming her for not having kids yes she's She's like, when? And she's like, when? I don't know if I'm ever going to have kids. Then once she learns to let her maternal instincts kick in and defend these children. Right, right. And be subservient to the man who's telling her what to do, then she's happy. The scene where he kisses her is like-

Get in the kitchen, lady. Get in the kitchen. That's where you belong. The scene where he kisses her is like not remotely earned. They have not liked each other up until that point. It's like, Jesus, dude, put it in your pants. Like, what?

Anyway. Fun sidebar. A couple months ago, I was talking to my agents who are responsible for trying to make sure my career exists. Sure.

Do they listen to the podcast? No. This is the very point I'm building up to right now. Go ahead. And I was saying, I want to do a podcast. I'm trying to figure out what to make a podcast about and they were like well the thing you're

best at is like talking about movies but I feel like it's dangerous for you to do a podcast about movies because you'll end up publicly going on the record speaking about a lot of things you don't like when you might then have to get jobs from those people. Sure that's a good point. I'm probably ruining my career. Whatever Trevorrow's not even making Dress Park 5. Yeah, it's great. I don't care about speaking shit about Colin Trevorrow, the man who directed the biggest opening weekend of all time. No, it's the second biggest. No, in the final numbers, it now is a bigger opening weekend.

It beat Avengers? Yeah, it's the number one highest grossing film. That's a bummer because I really like that the Avengers was on top. Yeah, me too. That's a nice movie. Dress Squirrel's a piece of shit, and I hope Colin Trevorrow doesn't hire me. I just said that. Should I? too. That's a nice movie. Jurassic World's a piece of shit, and I hope Colin Trevorrow doesn't hire me. I just said that. Should I?

No, keep that in. Okay. Who could you have played in Jurassic World? I guess the Jake Johnson part, but Jake Johnson actually did a great job. He's the one good character in that film. We can't talk about Jurassic World anymore. I don't want to dignify it with the attention.

It's like the Rachel Dolezal of movies. All it wants is our attention for acting out. Stop giving it attention, and her. Okay, we're not going to talk about them. She's a great lady. Well, so we're kind of wrapping up on this opening sequence, which I think is what we're discussing.

Evan Sleazebag. We're talking about subtext. So I was saying the subtext in Jurassic World is kind of In Jurassic World? I'm saying the subtext in Jurassic World is kind of anti-feminist, right? Oh, sure. If only subtly. Right. intended or no, there it is. And I think George is doing an interestingly similar thing here in this scene. Okay?

So we're watching the movie and we're going, well, it's a movie made by a man, but it's not all biographical and he's not on screen. I don't know how he feels about everything. For example, I don't know how George Lucas feels about cigarettes as a concept. Sure, I guess so. They never come up. Okay, then a character walks up. You want to buy some Netflix? He's got a gross voice. Yep. Sure, I guess so. They never come up. Okay, then a character walks up. You want to buy some death sticks?

He's got a gross voice. Yep. He talks like Watto. A little bit. His voice is clearly modulated and posed. Yeah, yeah, there's something there. He looks unhealthy. Yeah.

I'll say. He's got like rings around his eyes. Right, and he's in a sleazy bar. He's in a sleazy bar. Yeah. They don't say this on screen, but his name is Evan Sleazebagano. Right.

And he says, hey, do you want to buy some death sticks? And Obi-Wan literally brainwashes him. Yeah. Says like, those are not good for you. You don't want to buy me, sell me death sticks. And he's like, I don't want to sell you death sticks. He's like, you want to go and make something of your life. He says those will harm you.

Like he says like those are not good for you. And he goes, they're not good for me. Like he says something that's like you shouldn't smoke those. Those are bad for you. Like he says like those are not good for you and he goes they're not good for me. Like he says something that's like you shouldn't smoke those it's bad for you. So call me crazy. I think George Lucas

doesn't like cigarettes. Okay. I don't like cigarettes either. I'm with you George. No but I'm saying I think maybe death sticks are meant to represent cigarettes. Yeah okay.

What are you where are you going with this? And maybe the fact I'm saying this is an interesting subtextual thing going on here. It's not subtextual. It's very subtle. It's very subtle. It's very subtle.

What are you talking about? But here's this character. His name's Evan Sleazebag. All right, I've had enough of this. So we're supposed to think that he's a sleazebag. He offers death sticks. They look like cigarettes. I think the death sticks are supposed to be like drugs.

But sure, I'm with you. He's a sleazebag. He's a real sleazebago. Sleazebagano? Oh, yeah. Let's look at his Wikipedia. I forgot to look it up. Anyway, so after this scene,

doesn't Obi-Wan then have to chop someone up? Zam Wessel. They kill her there. Oh, we missed one important point. So Anakin is jumping onto Zam Wessel's speeder. Oh God, this scene. I know this thing. He takes his lightsaber and is opening in the window like her sunroof.

Yeah, he's sort of smashing open. He just swings the lightsaber around like it's just knocking around her head. Then he loses it and Obi-Wan catches it. Then she looks up at him and her face turns into a lizard face. So when they land I really, it is the perfect example of just like, you know what, maybe she has a lizard face. Maybe she's got like a fucking lizard face. Yeah, and so they

let, you know, Anakin and Obi-Wan land. She goes into this bar, which by the the way, like, don't do that. Go anywhere else. Yeah. Just drive away. But they say, Anakin says something like to her, like. I think he is a she, and I think she is a changed lady. And he's like, oh, then she's even more dangerous than we thought.

Yeah, we have to be extra careful. Yeah. And it's like, uh-huh, what does that mean? Does it mean she turns into a lizard sometimes, and then that's it, and she's dead, and this never comes up again? Yeah. That's stupid. she's dead and this never comes up again? Yeah. That's stupid. That's exactly what it means. She does not seem to gain any extra power

from being a changeling. Nope. She has a very distinctive outfit, a very slender purple jumpsuit. Sure. And then she's got the harem face curtain. Yeah, she's got the, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. And this helmet and these boots

and this little cape and everything. It's a cool getup. But when she changes, all that changes is then she's got a lizard face. She's just green. And you'd just be like, well that's that same lady from before with the lizard face. It's not a good chameleon-like skill. She doesn't get bigger. She doesn't seem

to be a better fighter. It's so fucking stupid. But they go, you should look out for this lizard face lady. And then they interrogate her and... They cut off her arm-faced lady. And then they interrogate her. They cut off her arm. They bring her outside. They interrogate her. And I just wanted to say the one thing that's kind of cool is they cut off her arm,

and then Anakin's like, Jedi business. Yeah. And everyone's like, all right. I like that idea that people are like, oh, fuck, Jesus, what'd she do? Now, I want to say, and I think we're going to get into this in later episodes, but doesn't it start to really, really feel noir-ish? Yep. Especially at that point.

They're walking into a bar. It's a smoky room. They're asking questions. I expected her to be crawling out of the bathroom window. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I don't know. And they maybe should have, like, kept to that, you know, kept on that rail a little bit longer.

Well, that's why this episode is covering up to this scene because this, until this point it's implying a very specific kind of film yeah it's really exciting that are along those lines just even worse but up until this point it's all the diner yes well you're talking about my second favorite character oh my god we're gonna have so much to say about that scene up until this point it's 20 minutes that are all moving in one direction that's kind of exciting. Yeah, right. It's a mystery. Who is trying to kill Padme and Wyatt?

I forget if she says anything. Does she say anything before Jango Fett kills her? That's what happens. So they're talking to her, and then suddenly Jango Fett... A dart hits her. We don't know his name at this point. It was the guy who handed her the slug tube. Yeah, the silver guy.

Spits a dart at her. Shoots a dart. Or he doesn't spit. It's from his arm. It's a little dart, and it hits her in the in the neck and she dies and then turns into a lizard. And she reverts to lizard form. Yes. Oh, what a dangerous changeling.

When she dies, her face is different. How dangerous. And then they look at the dart and they look at each other and they're like, we got to figure out what the fuck is going on. Yeah, right, right, right, right. And it's got one little piece of evidence to toehold in the case this is an exciting movie they're gonna figure out who's trying to kill the one lady they're tasked with protecting in front of this backdrop of like a galaxy in turmoil yeah oh yes absolutely and not

just because fucking oh they can't get the newspapers from one planet to another oh the silk isn't being transported. Like, really, like, people are defecting. Yeah. They need an army. Brink of war. Star Wars. We might see some wars in this motherfucking movie.

That's true. Star Wars. Okay, Wikipedia character spotlight. I got his first name wrong. His name is Elan Sleazebagano. Great. Elan Sleazebagano. He's a male balisar death stick dealer in the Planet Coruscant during the secessionist

moment. Hmm. Who's the actor's name? He was Mouse in The Matrix. Matt Doran. Yeah. He never had a career, but he did have that one. So good in these two movies.

Sure. My favorite character in each film, maybe. I like him in The Matrix. He's not my favorite character. Alan Sleazebagano was on Coruscant, the capital of the Galactic Republic, during the secessionist movement shortly before the ballot. This doesn't tell you anything. All right. Who cares? Like I said, Wikipedia is not good for Attack of the Galactic Republic during the secessionist movement shortly before the ballot. This doesn't tell you anything. Alright, who cares? Like I said, Wikipedia is not good for Attack of the Clones. Yeah.

Someone's really... What is your point? You had a point you were building to, I feel like. Maybe? That I think George Lucas is anti-cigarette. No, not that point. The first 20 minutes of the noir movie... No, my point is that's why, once again,

we're making our first episode the beginning of the film. Right. Because we want to look at what the film sets up and whether or not the film plays off of that, builds off of that, and plays out what is established in the first chunk. Sure. My point I'm building up to is I'm setting the stage

for a fucking great 10-episode run of Attack of the Podcast. What will happen next? What's going to happen next? We've seen the whole thing. We know, but what's going to happen next? Will Obi-Wan go to a diner? Oh, God. Time can only tell.

Will Anakin ride a headless blob rhino? I don't know how to describe it. Yeah, yeah. Maybe? Maybe. Well, you know, we're back in full force, baby. You're going to see a great season full of some of our favorites.

We're going to end it with another commentary. We're going to do a performance review. We're going to topic different sections of the film. We're going to talk about the commentary again. It's going to be fucking phenomenal. We've got so many things to flesh out in this movie. This movie is ridiculous. It's actually insane.

We're not even talking about how crazy it is that as a sequel, they decided to jump over 10 years and basically drop almost everything from the previous movie. 10 years but only have one character visibly age. Yes. And really, well, no, because... Padme changes race and Obi-Wan grows a beard, but otherwise... They do bring back some other old characters and we'll get to them.

Mace Windu. Oh, boy. Yoda. Yo, Mace Windu in a greatly expanded role. Yeah. And Yoda in a greatly expanded role. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Shmi Skywalker. Shmi. Watto. Watto. Watto, though. Watto, though. Watto, though. Who else is back in this one?

Who else is back in this one? C-3PO Another character I didn't think Would come back And he has like So much to do Once again Weirdly like

Cause I don't remember The fans loving him At the time of Phantom Menace And he looks completely different For some reason R2 and C-3PO Neither of them Had a super big impression

They're all over this movie They are all over this movie As if the fans demanded it And then New Gunray's back. Newt Gunray is back. And he hates women. Runa Koo is back.

They're back, baby. Yeah. We're forgetting people. Sio Bibble is back. Sio Bibble's back. He shows up again. Yeah. Oh, you know who's...

Well, no. No, go ahead. No, I mean, her big scene hasn't come up yet. Yeah. Oh, you know who's, well, no. No, go ahead. No, I mean, her big scene hasn't come up yet. Big scene in quotes. But a show in the movie, George Lucas has some- An eye for young women?

Yeah. Rose Byrne? Rose Byrne playing a handmaiden in a role kind of similar to what- Keira Knightley did. Keira Knightley played in the first film,

Rose Byrne, who has become, I think, one of our best actresses working today. Have you seen Spy? Yeah, she's so good. She's so good in Spy. She's so good. We've got to get Rose Byrne, who has become, I think, one of our best actresses working today. Have you seen Spy? Yeah, she's so good. She's so good. She's so good.

We've got to get Rose Byrne on the podcast. Rose, come on the podcast. You're amazing in Spy. When you call her dressed in abortion, I laugh out loud. Both times. I've seen her twice. We've got to get her on the podcast. Yep.

Friend of the podcast. I'm now in my head doing the math to figure out if there's any way. Do you know anyone who might know Rose Byrne. Well, I do. I need to see if I can figure this out. She's been in a lot of movies. Yeah. What was I going to say?

Merchandise Spotlight, I'm at sort of a bit of a crossroads here. Yeah, right. Because Phantom Menace, they blew out the merchandise. Yep. And so it wasn't just that there were toys. There were all these weird candies. I mean, they went into such different directions. Did they not do that for this one?

Well, there was too much merchandise for Phantom Menace, and they clogged the stores a little bit. You know, they sold well, but not as well as they thought they would. And so they scaled it back greatly for Attack of the Clones. Okay. And so what we have is just, you know,

kind of your run-of-the-mill action figure line. The one thing we could sort of focus on, you know, let's try it. Let's see if there's any interest. I know Merchandise Spotlight was a fan favorite, everyone's favorite segment. We won an Obie Award for it. We won an Off-Broadway Beer Award for it.

We did. Well, I did that. Remember I did that one-man show that was just me? I took the transcripts of the Merchandise Spotlight. Yeah, I was a little annoyed at you, actually, that I wasn't involved. Well, I did that. Remember I did that one man show that was just me. I took the transcripts of the merchandise spotlight. Yeah, I was a little annoyed at you actually that I wasn't involved. Well, you know, I mean, I gotta make my money. I'm not an actor like you are. I don't want to say

those words, but now that you've said it, yeah. Have you got something for us or not? Yeah, I mean, the thing that happened, no, because I don't even know if this is fucking interesting. We can just talk about the toys that relate to it. This is the interesting thing that happened with Attack of the Clones.

So the toys didn't sell as well as they thought they would. And so, for Phantom Mass, or for Attack of the Clones, they were like, we've got to step up our game. Right. So they decided to add in action features. Okay. Sort of like He-Man style. Let the arms move or something like that.

Let every figure have a cool push-but button action or something to replicate the films. That having been said, the Star Wars figures are very small. Okay. They made them small so they could fit in a spaceship. They could build spaceships in scale because they knew that was a big appeal. Sure. Star Wars figures are like three and three quarter inches tall. Okay.

Whereas most figures have action features are taller so there's more room to fit in the mechanics. So they got really ambitious with what they wanted to convey with their features, trying to show how the Force worked. Yeah, sure. But they were sort of limited in how they could actually pull it off. So this is like a figure they have of Anakin. I'm sorry, of Obi-Wan. And it's supposed to replicate the exciting Coruscant chase that we just talked about. Yep.

So it comes with the little drone and the lightsaber. I see it. And the idea is that he can hang off of the drone. Right. Doesn't seem too complicated. Right. So the way they decided to do this is they put magnets in all the figures. Oh, why did they do that?

Because they want to replicate the force so that you could put magnets with opposite ends and then have them push things and stuff like that. And then they had like, the lightsaber were metal. Right, right. I get it. So that you could hold the figure above it and pick it up. But the hands were so small, and there's only so small that magnets can get,

that all the figures end up looking like like Wile E. Coyote's hands after being run over by the steamroller. You know when he'd have the flat, the big hands? Are you going to show me this? Right. So they made the drone metal so he can hold it off, but it just looks like there's a tumor in his palm. Oh, God.

It's like sticking out. Right. So he's not flying. He looks like Jesus. Yeah, he looks like Jesus. He looks like Jesus Christ. Yeah. Like in the classic Renaissance interpretation, like blonde hair.

Yeah. Very fair in a way he is not in the film. This is crazy. Yeah. It's kind of funny. I kind of like it. So the way they're trying to replicate him flying through the air holding onto this drone is it's a figure with both feet on its ground, on the ground.

Yep. And one arm. Physically, he doesn't have a posture of flying. Yeah, no, I know. One arm is going straight up. There's just one point of articulation at his shoulder. It goes straight up.

There's a magnet in his hand and it holds onto the drone. It just looks like he's getting ready to throw this thing at someone. It looks like he's going to throw it at someone because he has a lightsaber

in his other hand. Well, in order to make the lightsaber metal, it's way too big. The lightsaber handle is huge. Yeah, it's a dildo size. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Thank you for Merchandise Spotlight this week, Griffin. I don't know if we're gonna be able to take this one to broadway the zam wessel figure is pretty cool i had the zam wessel yeah zam wessel's another of those you can imagine there was a ton invested in merchandising and and then of course she you know she only has the one scene in the movie but there's you know she looked cool she came with a lizard face you can put on her i don't know look it up she comes with a lizard face and this was the cool thing don't know. Look it up. She comes with a lizard face.

And this was the cool thing. This was a good application of magnets. You could cut off her arm. Oh, that is cool. So her arm was attached to the magnet, so if you had a lightsaber, you could just fucking slash through it, and then it would go back on. Let's look up Xanwesel, and I think that's the end of this episode.

Ben, how much time have we done? No, we're definitely done. It's an hour twelve. Great. Yeah. What are your thoughts? You like the noir setup. I do. I found it a little strange.

That they were going in that direction. Yeah. It felt like a, I don't know. It felt like a comic book movie. Is that wrong to say? No. No, that makes sense. No, I agree.

Her name is Liana Walsman, and she's a New Zealand actress. She's acted alongside Rose Byrne on the Sydney stage. A lot of Aussies in this film. And alongside Joel Edgerton, who's in this film. Who's also in this one, yeah. In the stop motion film 999. Okay. And, you know, she was in the Pacific.

She's around. She was in The Starter Wife. Can I ask one question? Yeah. It was a question I forgot to ask at the beginning of this episode. Padme's a senator. Yep. She still has decoys.

She still has people who are willing to give their lives to dress up as her and maybe get killed and and she does get killed and they probably lost to her in the election as as is tradition do you think in the election for senator yeah i think so not for queen nope these are new now new new losers but they would have to look like her right yeah that's how it works. Do you think every senator has, do you think Jar Jar has a bunch of other Gungans? I really wish he did. Or is it just

because she's the former queen the same way that like our former president still used? Maybe, right, secret service continues. That could be it, that could be it. Do you think, like, what if like Jar Jar was the only Gungan who ran? Because that's the only explanation for him getting that fucking seat. No, it makes sense he'd get it as a war hero. Like, if only Gungan who ran. Because that's the only explanation for him getting that fucking seat. No. Is that no other Gungan ran. It makes sense that he'd get it as a war hero. Like, if no Gungan ever met him, they'd think he was a genius.

More like a War Zero. I think we should end on that. That clumsy fucker. I just like the idea of people of different species running against Jar Jar, losing, and then having to dress up as a Gungan in order to be a decoy. Oh, boy. Rachel Dolezal style. Oh, God. Assimilating the style and culture of a Gungan.

He's a frog. I love Rachel Dolezal. I can't get over this story, David. I'm so into it. One of those stories where it's like initially there's this hook and you're like, oh, my God. And then you start learning like fucked up things about her family and you're like,

I really wish I'd never heard about I disagree I want more and more every detail I find so fascinating it's a terrible story I want to go on the record that she sucks yeah I'll say that too you can't be transracial sorry I agree with that come at us bro well that's been

episode one of attack of the podcast oh I'm so excited to do nine more of these this is going to be fun. Me too. It's going to be great. Fan base is building. Tweet at us, PadmeDolazol, yes or no. Let us know if you think merchandise spotlight should continue or if it has no reason to live anymore. Oh, God.

By the way, there are so many people who tweeted us the commentary hashtags that we made. Crazy. Still. Like two, three weeks later, it's still happening. I don't know why you folks listen to that, but it means a lot. How much do you make, though? A year. We're not going to talk about that.

That's the end of the episode. Goodbye, everyone.