Blank Check with Griffin & David - War Horse with Pilot Viruet

Episode Date: April 30, 2017

Pilot Viruet (Vice) returns to Blank Check to talk about the WWI horse romance film, War Horse. But what is basically the main motivation for every character in this film? Is there a backstory behind naming the horse Joey? Will the word ‘horse’ be said thousands of times? Together, they examine the original stage production of War Horse, Jeremy Irvine’s audition process and apple face, Niels Arestrup career trajectory in 2011 including playing the part of ‘Jam Man’ and the Untitled Horse Mystery Project.

Blank Check with Griffin and David Blank Check with Griffin and David Don't know what to say or to expect All you need to know is that the name of the show is Blank Check Maybe there are different ways to be brave. Did you know the French have the best carrier pigeons? And this could be the difference in the war our message is getting through. They are released at the front and told to go home.

This is all they know. But to get there, they must fly over war. Can you imagine such a thing? Here you are flying over so much pain and terror, and you know that you can never look down. You have to look forward, or you'll never get home. I ask you, what could be more podcast than that?

What's the word? Braver. Hi, everybody. This is Griffin Newman with 25% voice. This is David Sims. With 100% voice. Always. A buttery baritone.

Yeah, and I got an oily throat right now because I just ate a Five Guys burger. David has been chugging olive oil since entering the studio. This is a podcast called Blank Check. Your voice is terrible. I'm going to do all the talking. I'm going to go to a deeper register in order to make

my voice less difficult. This is our miniseries, Pop me if you cast. It's about Steven Spielberg. Sometimes they bounce, baby. Oh, come on, David. It's about directors. You could do better than that. Nah, not really.

We're talking about Steven Spielberg's movies. Producer Ben, Ben Ducer, Peeper, Fuckmaster, Not Professor Crispy. Yeah, Ben's here. We graduated to different titles. Producer Ben Sate, Kenobi, Shyamalan. This should be a short episode. Yeah. I mean, people are going to hate listening to me on a purely surface level in this episode.

We have a great guest, Pilot Biroit from Vice and my friend. Many, many. My friend. And you were on one of our best episodes ever, the Star Wars Holiday Special episode. Yes. You know them best from the time that we forced our good friend who brought us closer together as friends to watch a movie that they knew they would hate and that we knew they would hate. And then. Didn't remember it.

I mean, I don't know. You know. Do you remember that episode? No, I forgot I did that. You did that. In this very room. Right. But that was the podcast holiday special.

This is podcast horse. Yeah, pod horse. War podcast. Right. Yes. And this time by request, Pilot. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. So we're not forcing Pilot to do this one. Last time. So we. I ran Spielberg by Pilot. The only words were war horse. My explanation was a little muddled there, but just to make it clear, when we were doing the Star Wars run, we didn't know exactly what our podcast was going to be after that, how long we were going to keep running,

and Pilot is a pivotal figure in our friendship. It was very important that we had you on. You had not seen any Star Wars films at that point in time. No, I think it was right after I watched all of them. Yeah, right. At the point when we were going to cover the Christmas special. But then you did watch them all. Right, you did watch them all.

And said Hayden Christensen was the star of the show. I think I was asleep for like five of them. Right, sure. And we felt like, oh, Pilot would be funny on the holiday special. Pilot would have good opinions on the holiday special. You watched it, kind of. You resented us making you watch it. And the episode was kind of chaos.

It was the third episode we'd recorded that day. We'd gotten in two fights. Yeah, we'd gotten in a really bad fight. We were in our pre-Force Awakens tension. Yeah, no, it's okay. We don't have to revisit that. But we throw you Spielberg as a list and you go War Horse. Yep.

And when pressed for an explanation you said horses. You like horses. I hadn't seen it and all I knew about it was that there was a horse named Joey

which I just wanted to watch a horse named Joey. Now, did you think this was part of the Friends Joey mythology? Yes. Okay. I assume there's only one Joey.

And it is. It is. You know, there's only one Joey. And it is. You know, you watched it to confirm yes it is. Loosely. I mean, it's the split to Joey's Unbreakable. Yeah, exactly. Sort of a side equal. Yes. So, and then I

bet I can't find it. I should go through our message history, but I think your response was that's not what I thought that movie was going to be about. Yeah, I also forgot to read about what it was. And so all I knew is it was based on a children's book. So I assumed it was a bunch of animated horses or something, like doing a play war and just fake shooting each other, and did not realize it was an actual war and a horse.

So you thought it was going to be like Bugsy Malone with like ice cream guns. Meets animal farm minus political weight. I think it was like horses plus toy soldiers is what I was kind of assuming. Sure. Which, you know, all right. So let me go through the gestation of War Horse. By the way, the movie you're talking about, a pilot that you want to see, is called Horse War. This is War Horse.

You picked the wrong one. Horse War is the movie where horses pick up bayonets. All right, wait a second. Actually, the actual gestation period of a horse, I'm Googling, is 11 to 12 months. Okay. But the novel War Horse was written in 1982, so it was a much longer gestation from the movie. That wasn't funny.

I mean, it was charming. I won't even try to sing it because I don't have the range to do it. Michael Morpurgo, who is a British children's author, he wrote a book about a goddamn horse. He also wrote a sequel. Were horses too?

Were horses? I think it's like the grandson now has a horse, but also... What the fucking horses? Wait, you have to find a title because I don't remember what it is, but it's not War Horse 2. It's something even dumber. It's called Pal Joey. He wrote a lot of books, by the way.

Are they all about horses? No. God, he writes like a book a year. Good for him. Do you know there's this dude who's like a sci-fi author who has his series, his like big series. And I use the word big relatively. It's called Farm Boy. Farm Boy?

Just FYI. Talk about de-heightening. It was written 15 years later. I hope Spielberg makes it. He should film it. What I was going to say is there's this dude who has this series of sci-fi novels that's like his weird version of Planet of the Apes in which bears take over and just become very militant. Okay.

And the key book in the series, oh, but they're not actually bears. They're aliens who look like bears. What are you talking about? I just want to set up this one factoid, which is that the key book in the series is called The Right to Arm Bears. All right. And the cover is a bear in clothes holding a firearm great michael morpurgo he writes war horse in 1982 okay it's about a horse that goes to the war turn your phone off griffin i don't know if it's me but i'll turn it off

i don't think it's me um this is my Alec Baldwin episode, by the way. Then, yeah, you're very Baldwin-y right now. Then, 2007, they make a play. People love it. With puppet horses. Crazy puppet horses. Not even like the Halloween costume with the horses? Like two people in one? I don't believe so.

It might have even taken more people. It was like 10 people. It was these crazy metal things. It's like the Lion King, basically? It's like the Lion King, but the horse is just sort of the skeleton. So it's very representational. Does that make sense?

No. Here, we'll show you a picture. It's like a horse skeleton, but then with like. I don't like that. Yeah. No, I don't like it either. There's a guy in the orchestra who played coconuts to do the clip. One comedy point.

But so that was the thing that kind of made the play break was that people were like the puppetry of this horse is unbelievable. There's a nuance. There's a detail. You have people controlling just the ears and they're not hiding it. You're seeing this sort of artistry. Yeah, I don't know. This doesn't sound appealing.

Look, I never saw it. People loved the play. It went crazy in London and it won all the awards and the queen went to see it. Came here, people went crazy as well. It went to Broadway and it won Best Play over good plays. Death of a Salesman, I think.

Is this a British thing, loving horses? Well, okay. I mean, yes, I guess so, right? British people do like horses. I wouldn't know. I didn't grow up in England. I mean, the word horsey in Britain means something, which is sort of like that you're a bit of a fancy person.

You're part of the horsey set. Okay, before you start pulling rank, the word horsey means something in the U.S. of A. as well. It means the best sauce that Arby's has to offer. Horsey means something on both sides, David. But I want to call you out, Pilot, because you said you liked

horses. I do like horses. I don't think I like them as much as British people like horses. Nobody on earth likes horses as much as every single person in the movie War Horse. That is for sure. You texted Ben and I last night with a really hot take on this movie. I was watching War Horse.

Yes. And I had a thought. You said everyone in this movie really wants to fuck this horse. I mean mean it seemed obvious now i had not started my rewatch until after that text and this movie tracked a lot better for me watching it the second time with that in mind because otherwise you could go like man the character motivations are kind of sweaty in this movie but if it's a movie about just like if the if you view this as the animal version of there's something about mary where sure right right men just something about joey right right like mary somehow is the cipher

that all men project their own hopes and beliefs and dreams onto it's not none of them really engage with her as a person but they're all seeing what they want in her and it drives them insane okay warhorse kind of functions like that so yeah, yeah, like the French guy is like Lee Evans and like, you know, the German soldier that's like Chris Elliott. Right. Like Matt Dillon is... I think the French guy's Brett Favre

because he's... Benedict Cumberbatch. I think the French guy's Brett Favre because he's the one who at the end of the movie... No, the French guy's Ben Stiller because he's the one... No. The kid's Ben Stiller.

The French guy's Brett Favre because Brett Favre's the one who's like... Gives it up. Right, right. It's I don't own you. You should be with who you'd be happy with. Ben Stiller's the one because he was the one at the beginning. Whatever.

Great. So there's this damn play that everyone loves about horses. People flip out. People flip out about the horses. Steven Spielberg says he was moved to tears by the play. Right. So just imagine Spielberg sitting there watching those puppet horses crying. Right. And so he's like, there watching those puppet horses crying. Right.

And so he's like, I'm making a movie. I'm making War Horse. This is my movie now. I've made lots of World War II movies. What about a World War I movie? Uh-huh. Plus horses. Now, I-

He's made zero World War I movies, zero horse movies. Correct. On both counts. I remember people being a little confused when he announced this because it was like, oh, man, everyone loved that play. But the whole thing everyone loved about that play was the puppetry. Right. But this one, real horses. Right.

Let me try to make a more literal version of this sort of expressionistic thing that kind of touched everybody. Because the story is in very broad strokes. Do you agree with me that it's a little broad, this story? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're using a paintbrush so broad it's Jim Broadbent.

It's the width of a Jim Broadbent. All right. All right. All right. All right. That's beautiful. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Warhorse. So then he makes Warhorse. He's going to have Eddie Redmayne play the lead role. And I'm going to. Isn't the lead role the horse? Fair enough. Eddie Redmayne was going to play the horse. He's he makes War Horse. He's going to have Eddie Redmayne play the lead role. And I'm going out. Isn't the lead role the horse? Fair enough. Eddie Redmayne was going to play the horse. He's a horsey guy.

Wait, is that the name of the horse? Redmayne? No, I think his name is Joey Blackmayne. Oh, sure. The man is black. I got it confused. Sorry. I believe I texted Pilate saying, what is it about this horse?

And Pilate said, he has white shoes or something. White feet. I don't even know if that's an actual detail. It is. I can't remember. White socks. Because I knew there was something, because he has to describe the horse, I'm pretty sure it was white feet. White socks.

And he made this movie. It cost a bunch of money. Yep. It's a big World War I epic. And it's about a horse. Came out two days after Tintin. It came out the same week as Tintin. Both movies make an almost identical amount of money.

It made $80 million domestic, $170 worldwide. It got a Best Picture nomination. Best Picture, Best Score. Six Oscar nominations. Jesus Christ. Cinematography, art direction, sound, score, you know. Was this the year they decided, like, hey, maybe it shouldn't be 10 every year. Maybe it should fluctuate.

Yes, I think so. I think this is the last year of 10. I feel like this movie might have had an influence on that. I mean, there are people who love this movie. Yeah. I'm not one of them. But I think I like this movie more than anyone else in this room. Maybe.

I like, all right, I think this is a good movie if you take out the horse. That's my hot take. Seriously. I think that there might be a good movie in here. But no horse. So then who do they want to fuck in that version? I don't know. Eddie Redmayne?

Like, you know, somebody. But just like, there are sections of this movie that I'm very excited about. I agree with that. Yeah. I think there are a couple good movies in this movie. But then there's all this stuff with the horse. I'm going to give it two sugar cubes out of ten. All right, Ben.

And that's the end of our episode. Pilot, thank you so much for being here. Oh, the horse. Pilot, what did you think of War Horse? I hated it. You hated it, yes. Full on hate. I also, for some reason, did not suspect there would be a lot of violence in a war movie.

And the horse just made me sad all the time. This horse goes through a lot. It's really brutal to watch. Pilot, you are not a huge fan of violence. I mean, I am. Just not in the case of horses, because I like horses. You're fine with violence against people. Oh, yeah, no, like, that's fine.

What if it was a puppet horse? Yeah. Right, so it's the real horse. It's the real horse that upsets me. Stop me if I'm incorrectly assessing this, but I feel like your favorite genre is talking animal, right? Yeah,

and this horse did not fucking talk. Right. No animals speak in this movie. Which is like, what's the point of a movie? It could have at least had a thought bubble.

Let's be honest. I was waiting for the inner monologue to start. Right, the horse is like, Jesus. But you like movies.

Not another war. Oh, brother. You're calling me war horse. The bit at the end where Toby Kebbell's like, he's a war horse. I was like, come on! He didn't need to say it. My dad used to, like,

pimp me out to do my impression. You're right, yeah, he's a war horse. I used to do an impression of war horse. Not of the character, but of the movie. Okay. That was based around that moment that my dad would be like,

Griff, do that war horse impression again. You're like, well, hey there, what's this horse there? This horse, it's a war horse, isn't it? No, it can't be a war horse. Yes, it is, I'll tell you, it's a war horse. Jesus Christ. It would just be people talking about whether or not the horse is a war horse.

It's a war horse. Yeah, it is. That's true It's a war horse. Yeah. Yeah, it is. That's true. Okay, so, all right. I don't think it was that great at war. It was just great at not dying. It is good at not dying. This horse is one of the worst warriors I've ever seen.

Okay, okay. I want to get... No, no, no. More, more, more. This horse gets born and stands up. The movie literally starts with its birth. And everyone is just like, God, what a fucking horse. What a great horse.

Some guy buys it, and they're're like why'd you buy that horse shitty horse for farming the army buys it they're like no this is a bad war horse not good for war so what's the point of this horse right the only it's just hot it's just like a hot horse the only owners who who like the horse and think it's impressive are the french man and his granddaughter who are like this horse is great, he will kill you. You can't ride him. Yes. They just want to look at him. Yes, he will kill you.

So is the horse like a symbol of innocence or something? What is the deal with the horse? Fuckability. I think if Jerry I think it's a movie about coveting about just like

gotta have that horse yeah gotta have that horse it's such a weird film because you know one of the movies I think is a big influence

on this right there are two things I look at as sort of Rosetta Stones for what I think Spielberg was trying to do in this movie and very often Spielberg will pick a project based on like oh this is for what I think Spielberg was trying to do in this movie. And very often Spielberg

will pick a project based on like, oh, this is a type of thing I've never gotten to do before. He'll pick an element and go, it's a subject matter I've never dealt with. Or this kind of actor, this kind of genre. Never made a horse movie. Never made a heralding movie. Beastiality movie.

Beastiality movie, yeah. He never made a movie where people were trying to cock a horse but you're terrible I'm a terrible person yes

I will not fight this go ahead there are two things I think drew him to this movie one of them is I think he kind of wanted to make his

Oh Hazar Balthazar which is this is a terrible version okay okay I think there's yes okay yes a movie about everyone's make his Ohasar Balthasar, which is... This is a terrible version. Okay, okay. I think there's... Yes. Okay, yes.

A movie about everyone's... won't stop being obsessed with a goddamn horse that's a glutton for punishment. Right. Ohasar Balthasar is a Robert Bresson movie about this donkey

that travels from owner to owner. And is Jesus. Right, and is Jesus. Right. And essentially witnesses the evils, you know, the blunders, the blind spots of humanity. And I guess this, yeah, all right.

Suffers. Okay. Okay, that's what he was trying to make. But the thing with Oh Hazzar, Balthazar is that the donkey is a mirror for its owners. Like, they don't try to really make the donkey into a character. It's more that, like, the donkey is the plot structure of how you get from person to person. This movie is about how fucking great this horse is. It's a good horse.

Which O-Hazard Balthazar isn't. It's not a good horse. Well, okay. All right. Well, this is the crucial debate. Is it or is it not a good horse? It's a perfectly mediocre horse. Mediocre, says Pilot.

It's a good looking horse. Fuckable, says Ben. Good looking, says you. I've like seen hotter horses. Oh, no question. Now, I don't know shit about horses. Show me a horse. I see a horse.

I don't really get it. Well, a horse is a horse, of course. Of course. We know this. So what's good or bad about this horse? I mean, I think, oh, wait, are we still talking about, like, his war abilities or, like, his fuckability? Which one? I don't know.

I mean, just if you saw him on the street, I guess, like what would you make of this horse? I would be like, that's a horse. Let's send it to war. You would just find a war for it to be. I mean, get you a horse who can do both. There's one moment where someone says like, look at the muscles on him. And that's like the one specific like attribute, I guess.

He's like a well-built horse. Yeah. Handsome. No, he's got long legs too. Oh, I guess. He's like a well-built horse? Yeah. Handsome? No, he's got long legs, too. Oh, long legs. But he can't jump. But he can't really do anything. He doesn't do anything.

The kid at the beginning tries to teach him fetch or something, and he can't figure it out. All right. Okay. So let's get to the plot of the movie. So he's trying to make an Ohasar Balthazar, but instead... Right, because that's viewed as sort of this... Instead, the horse is the main character instead of the movie, but what did you want to... So he's trying to make an Ohasar Balthazar, but instead... Right, because that's viewed as sort of this... Instead the horse

is the main character instead of the people. But that's viewed as this very canonical film where people go like, how did he pull that off? How did Brisson do this magic trick

where there's a movie where the main character is a donkey and you empathize with the donkey? Yeah. And I think the way he does is that the donkey

is kind of a Rorschach test. Right, okay. Okay, the second thing I think he was trying to do is right before the release of this movie, the year before Cowboys vs. Sahilians comes out. Follow. Okay. The second thing I think he was trying to do is right before the release of this movie, the year before Cowboys vs. Sahilians comes out. Follow me here for a second. Okay.

Cowboys and Aliens. Definitely has horses in it. Yes. And Spielberg produces it and Ron Howard produces it. It's the same year. Oh wow. Yeah. Same year. I thought it was 2011. So Jon Favreau does this series of videos on YouTube the year that Cowboys and Aliens comes out where he's so proud that he's got a movie that Steven Spielberg produced.

And they do these series of videos where they're talking about filmmaking together. You know? Uh-huh. And it's like clearly the idea behind the videos was this is Spielberg tapping the sword on either shoulder and going, Okay. Favreau, you're next in line. Right? But Spielberg tells the story.

He says, like, tell me about you spent time with John Ford when you were, like, young and Spielberg tells the story he says like tell me about you spent time with John Ford when you were like young and you broke onto the Warner Brothers lot and you'd be there and this and that

okay and he said once they sort of spotted me and they knew what was up and they said this kid wants to make films I said could you introduce me

to John Ford and they brought him over to John Ford one day John Ford brings him into his office and he goes I heard you want to be a picture maker

and he goes yeah and he goes let me ask you a question can you tell me what you see you want to fuck this horse you want to be a picture maker and he goes yeah and he goes let me ask you a question can you tell me what you want to fuck this horse what do you want to fuck this horse and spielberg said no and he said until you want to fuck the horse you will not be a good picture okay what did he say come on wrap this up this is the whole story yeah at the end of it okay he goes look at these two paintings tell me what see. And the two paintings are both of just like the fucking West. Uh-huh.

Right? The plains. Yes. And he says, it's just two pictures of the same background. Okay. And he goes, but what do you see? And he goes, well, here, that's the trees, this and that. He goes, what do you see?

And he keeps on pressing him until Spielberg, who's like 18, goes like, well, the sun's setting in this one and the sun's rising in the other one. Uh-huh. And he goes, and why? What does that mean? And Spielberg goes like i don't fucking know and he goes if you can figure out the answer to that question then maybe you can be a good picture maker and that's his whole weird fucking and john ford was like a piece of shit right as a guy it was a really good filmmaker but like a lot of stories about him being a piece of shit this feels like spielberg not just trying

to make his john ford movie but just trying to make his John Ford movie, but also trying to make a movie that's entirely about the difference between when the sun rises and when the sun sets in a very blunt way and that this movie fucking starts with a sunrise and ends with a sunset. Right? That's very interesting. But I have something even more interesting for you. Sure.

This is the number two movie on Box Office Mojo's category, Horse. What's number one? I want you to guess. The number one horse movie of all time. Wait, is it Racing Stripes? It is not Racing Stripes. That is number eight. We could do all ten, baby.

Hidalgo? Hidalgo's number five. It's not Spirit. Four. Flicka? The Scallion of the Samaritan. Flicka? Flicka number 11.

Didn't make the top 10. Okay. All the Pretty Horses. All the Pretty Horses is not in this list, which seems rude. The number one film, does the horse talk or not? No, no talking. And it crested 100? So not The Horse Whisperer.

Not The Horse Whisperer, which is, give me a second, number three. I need to know less horse movies. You know a lot of horse movies. What's that horse diving movie? Black Beauty. Is that one? Black Beauty is... How is that not number one?

You know, because it came out a while ago. It's number 19. That's some bullshit. Seabiscuit? Seabiscuit. Number one. The only horse movie to crack 100 mil at the box office. Seabiscuit.

Hey, it's almost as if horse movies don't have legs at the box office. Yeah, you guys got I'm just going to talk over that. You guys got everything but Secretariat, number seven. Oh, yeah. The Black Stallion, number nine, which is similar to Black Beauty. Yeah, they're basically the same. All black horses look alike. Right.

Dreamer Inspired by a True Story, number ten. Okay. With Dakota Fanning. Sure. And Kurt Russell. And something called the Electric Horseman. Is that Redford and Fonda? Yes.

Yeah. Okay. Can I give you a similar fact? Yeah. Celine Buckins, who plays the French Mrs. Glass in this movie. Mrs. Glass. My bones. That's what I always think of when someone has that condition.

Is Emily Mortimer in 31? I have all my bones. My bones. That's what I always think of when someone has that condition. Is Emily Mortimer in 31? Yeah, but my bones. My bones. So I, when watching the movie, I was like, oh, did she ever act again? Because this was her first film, I believe. Okay, yeah. So I went to her Wikipedia page. She played Emily in War Horse, the role she won.

Her character in War Horse is a young French girl who lives in a farm. This and that. And then I went to the rest of her profile, and it just says, Celine Buckins is a Belgian-British teen actress. In 2017, she will appear in Netflix children's television series, Untitled Horse Mystery Project. I'm obsessed with this, by the way. You've been tracking this project?

Yeah, and there's no info about it at all. You just know that there's an Untitled Horse Mystery Project on the way. Yeah, and I emailed them and nothing. What did you email exactly? What is the mystery? Did you say you were hot to try? I said I wanted to write about the untitled horse mystery project, but need to know what it is. And they did not reply.

Maybe it's like Dick Francis novels being adapted. By a horse or starring a horse? The horse wrote it. I hope it's just a War Horse TV series. It's every week. There's a lot of casting going on for the Horse Mystery Project. So like Sleen Buckins is in it. Jalen Barron

whoever that is. Oh the great Jalen Barron. Cary Ingram. Oh the great Cary Ingram. There's been some casting. Okay. Alright. This movie starts with a horse getting born. Jeremy Irvine witnessing the birth of a horse. He is coincidentally there at the time and place of the birth of a horse, and God is it love at first sight.

Now, Jeremy Irvine. Yes. This was almost Eddie Redmayne. Yep. And then in a surprise announcement, there were deadline stories that were like, it looks like Eddie Redmayne's in advanced negotiations. Right. And then suddenly, oh no, the lead of this film is Jeremy Irvine, and Spielberg was like, it looks like Eddie Redmayne's in advanced negotiations. Right. And then suddenly, oh no, the lead of this film is Jeremy Irvine.

And Spielberg was like, we had been in the audition process for two months and he was, the line I thought was really interesting was he said, Jeremy, we kept on going back to his auditions. He did like 10 or 20 auditions. And he was the only one who seemed to have the right communication to play the role. Right, because he seems like someone who'd rather talk to a horse than a person. I think communication is a very interesting word for him to use. You got to buy this actor, this character,

as someone who doesn't give a shit about his family's failing farm or the war with Germany happening just overseas, but this horse. This horse. When a letter arrives, they're afraid that it's about this horse. Like, this horse. Like, when a letter arrives, they're afraid that it's about the horse. Right. Like, not like, oh, is Uncle Jim okay

over on the front? You know, like, the people in town who are fighting? No, is the horse okay? How's the horse? And on that count, Jeremy Irvine succeeds wildly. I guess so.

If you're only judging him through that one prism, it's maybe the most successful performance of all time. He's very, look. What were you going to say, Pilot? I've got nothing. I just cannot believe anyone cares about a horse that much.

He cares. But he sells that, if nothing else. I guess so. The only other thing I've seen him in is Stonewall, which is like one of the worst movies ever made. He was the lead in that? He's the lead twink. Not that that's a word I can use. But he's got that vibe in that film and in this film.

Would you agree? Yeah. He's very handsome, but in a very boring way. He's a sweet boy. Yeah, he's got an apple face. This is a real apple movie. It's a real shiny red apple of a movie. This is the Macintosh of motion picture.

Look, we've talked about this with some of these other Spielberg movies. I want to look at the list just to, but like where he keeps trying to like find the next kid, like Justin Chatwin in War of the Worlds. Justin Chatwin's great. Okay, Pilot, sense the judgment in my voice. Super Babies. Baby Geniuses 2, Super Babies. Baby Genius and Super Babies. He's in that. Fantastic.

Is he only in that one? Only in the second one, I believe. Does he play Baby? No. Okay. No. Pilot just looked at me with such contempt. No.

No. I love him. I'm trying to think. I mean, obviously Shia in Crystal Skull. I feel like there's another kid. He's sort of like, he's sort of looking for kids. I mean, the girl in The Lost World, Jurassic Park. Right.

Vanessa Lee Chastain. Yeah. You know, I don't know. He's bad with kids all of a sudden. Like, he's not picking the right kids. Yeah. All right. That's all I got.

I like the kid in BFG a lot, but we'll get to that. Oh, she's cute. Yeah. Yeah, she's pretty cute. I thought that was a good pick, a good find. So the horse gets born. And he's there, and it's there. And it grows up. And Jeremy Irvine's always checking in on the horse.

This movie opens with a sunrise, right? Yeah. It opens with shots of a sunrise over a field. And then... A golden sunrise. And immediately, John Williams is doing the most score any movie has ever had. Truly the most music I've ever heard in a film. By all definitions.

Yeah, everything's a theme, basically. And you see a horse being born, and it cuts to the reaction of Jeremy Irvine just going, oh, look at that horse. So he's basically imprinting on him. That's what I was going to say. Thank you so much, pilot. That's what I was going to say. Thank you so much, Violet. That's what I was going to say.

So it's like when the little baby, weird baby, is born in Twilight. Correct. And Taylor Lautner falls in love with the weird baby, and they're going to get married even though it's a weird baby. Doesn't fall in love. Imprints. Yeah, because he's a wolf. Devotes his love in a way that he will never be able to give his love

to anyone else ever again and is now sworn to protect and love and care for. Right. So you're saying that's the deal with Jeremy Irvine and this horse Joey. Right. The first three minutes of the film feel like 15 minutes and it's a series of sequences totally silent of Jeremy Irvine watching this horse be born, grow, prance around, you know, achieve full size. It's so creepy.

It's weird. It's very fucking creepy. Okay, but here's where I here's my first problem with the movie. So first pivotal scene is an auction. Yep. Peter Mullen, a great actor. Great director too. Good director.

Plays Jeremy Irvine's dad. Drunky Mick Drunkenness. Yeah, old drunk farmer. Drunky-o-drunkery. Farmer booze. Yep. And then David Thewlis plays like Lord Evil, like a mustache and sideburns only like, you know, land baron or whatever. Baron persnickety.

And he's like, I shall have that horse a million pounds, please. And Peter Mullen, Peter Mullen, not Jeremy Irvine, is like, a million and one pounds. He, like, dares defy his lord to outbid him. What does he care about the horse? He just, like, briefly falls in love with the horse and then quickly wants to shoot the horse in the face. I mean, he probably feels like his son isn't going to find, like, anyone else.

So, like, he better feels like his son isn't going to find anyone else, so he better support the relationship. But when he brings the horse back to Jeremy Irvine, Jeremy Irvine acts like, oh, wow, I've never seen this horse before. He doesn't own up to... Oh, he's like, oh, cool horse. No, no, no, no. It's a good horse. I'm going to call him Joey

and I'm going to make a special owl call for him. I'm definitely enjoying meeting this horse for the first time. I haven't spent weeks upon weeks watching this horse from its birth. But the implication, I guess, is that David Thewlis is the evil landlady. Yeah, but he's not even evil. He's just a dick. He's just a guy.

He's like, there's a fuckable horse. even he's just a dick he's just like he's like there's a fuckable horse and what purpose does a fuckable horse have if not just to hang out in like a fancy manner right and be ridden around by rich people and not do much and eat hay maybe do some dressage yeah do a little dressage yeah be like a dancing horse sure right yes right exactly silly horse. Look at this auction, okay? What does David Thewlis have to gain from owning the horse, right? He's a rich man. He could just put the horse up in a nice stable. His son is kind of like, eh.

Right. I mean, it's okay. His son's not even that into the horse. But the idea is that it would be a show horse. How many times are we going to say horse? We're going to say it so much. The idea is that it would sort of be a show horse, right? The horse would sort of tie the room

together, and it would be around, and he'd have the money to care for this horse and treat it to the best light possible, right? Now, he's looking at Peter Mullen. Peter Mullen, he knows. Thouless knows that Peter Mullen needs a workhorse. A literal workhorse. He's supposed to get that

other horse who's a boring horse. Right, because Peter Mullen has to pay David Thouless rent. Yeah. He knows his farm work is not going well because Peter Mullen's drunk. He needs a horse to make it through the season. So you're saying Thouless is trying to fuck Peter Mullen out of his land. No, I think Thouless wants the horse because he thinks it's a good looking horse.

It's a good looking horse. Then Peter Mullen wants the horse and David Thouless is like, not only do I want this horse more than you do, but also, you shouldn't have this horse. It would be irresponsible for you to buy... It's a stupid decision to get this horse. This is not the right horse. I've looked at your books. You should not buy this horse.

But the film's immediately giving David Thewlis reaction shots of him waxing his mustache tips. Also, David Thewlis, he excels at playing kind of like a sniveling evil guy. Yes. And so they fight over this horse. They buy the fucking horse. Look, we got to move it. This is a two and a half hour movie.

It's a long movie. And now they got this horse. They got a real wacky goose. Yeah, they got a wacky goose. The wacky goose has like four scenes. Did Danny DeVito play that goose or something? Yep. If this was War Goose, I would be so much happier.

War Goose is a movie I would sign up for. Steven Spielberg's War Goose? Yes. It bites people. It's a goose that bites. I mean, it's better in a war than the horses. It's little. It can weave in and out it's better in a war than the horses, right? Yeah. It's little. It can weave in and out of traffic.

Can I say the goose gives a better performance? Oh, the war traffic? Yeah, war traffic. That's how war works, right? Yeah. It's like a big traffic jam. We're pitching so many sequels here. Yeah, the goose is better than the horse, you're saying. Yes.

Well, I mean, it must have been multiple horses, right? It can't have just been the one horse. Sure. Horse. Sure. Horse. So. Here's the farm.

Emily Watson. I don't know. Why'd you buy this emily watson first build in this movie you flipped out over the billing in this movie i was texting griffin about the billing yeah emily watson his first build she's like oh you bought this fucking horse you know i hate you but i love you, I guess. I don't know. Right. And whatever. Well, I guess we'll make do. It's sort of hard to tell how much he's bankrupted the family by buying this horse.

It's not good. Yes. This is one of those movies where every single line of dialogue every character says is the most important thing they have ever said or will ever say in their entire life. Okay. You know? Like, everything is a grand proclamation.

Yes. Yeah. So the horse has to plow a field. There's like 20 minutes of the horse plowing a field. People like gather to watch the horse plow the field. Jeremy Irvine pretending he

doesn't love this horse. It's just like, this is a job. I guess I'll have to do it. It's tough love. He's like negging a horse. He's negging this horse. Also, names it Joey. Names it Joey. After Joey Tribbiani. Right.

Which has been established because they were watching Joey earlier. And this film is long, right? It's an epic movie. I understand Spielberg wants to tell an epic story. But to literally give us a 22-minute section. I counted. It's 45 minutes before they go to war. Right.

So for the first 45 minutes, you could just call this movie Horse. And 22 of those minutes are just Jeremy Irvine watching an episode of Joey. And not even a good one. That's abusive to the audience. If I want to watch Joey, I'll watch it on my own. I don't have to watch it couched in a horse. Yeah, but Jeremy Irvine brings a lot

to, you know, watching him watch Joey really brings a lot to Joey. It's like that Vice show where Action Bronson watches Ancient Aliens. Is that a thing? Yes. Pilot. Yep. You can verify that, right? Yes. Alright. The horse plows the field. Eventually.

Takes a while. Takes him so long to learn how to plow a field. And before that, they have to, like, break the horse, right? They have to, like, put a little thing over its head. Yeah, what was that? It was just like, basically, like like an inflatable thing for a pool. It's like that's what people take on the airplane. Yes, it looks like a toilet seat

or a neck pillow, but inflatable. And I guess that makes the horse plow fields. You put the plow on it. But when they're talking about this stuff, there's so much weight to breaking the horse. And I'm like, why does everyone know about horse lingo?

What is going on? Dude, there's not a lot going on in Devon. They have horses and they have war and that's it. I guess. They got horses, they got war. And they have Joey. Did you hear about the Johnson's horse? Like, is that what's going on? Oh boy. God, the Smith's horse though? Jeremy Irvine keeps disobeying when his

father's like, this is how you break a horse. And he's like, I got my own way. He's like, no, I'm just going to whisper to it and do owl calls. Peter Mullen literally produces a rifle to shoot this horse in the face. Because he's like, I've had enough of this horse. Sell the horse if you don't like the horse. And Jeremy Irvine grabs the rifle and puts it to his head. I know, it's like all the way to 11, like all of a sudden.

He's like, fuck this horse! I would have loved if it ended there. Shoots the horse. Jeremy Irvine's like, no! Throws himself on the gun. There's the big day when he's like, I'm gonna get this horse to plow the field today. And everyone comes

to watch. People start going like, hear about the horse? Oh my god, the horse can plow it's like it's like the beatles let it be concert yeah where people are like this is big we have to come and literally the entire town comes out to watch yep they all watch fails conclusively everyone leaves the second everyone leaves but one guy the horse starts yeah the horse has like performances the horse is like michigan j frog like it can plow when no one's watching and but less racist two frogs yes um there's also a scene where jeremy irvine's like god my dad's such a dick yeah and emily watson's like he was in the war so shut up yeah shut the fuck out yeah that's just another he's like but he's a drunk And she's like, yes, he is, but for a reason. But yeah, it's like, you know, she gives the big speech about how brave he is and the horse and the whatever and the whatever.

And then I have one more thing before the war starts. Everything seems good. The horse plows the field. Yeah, 45 minutes, almost entirely devoid of drama. They plant the turnips, except for that one point where the dad almost shoots his son. But there's the moment where Thulis comes to him and he says, like. Yeah, Thulis comes. And, yeah, it's like Inglourious Basterds, except no one is at risk.

Right. But he's basically like, you're doomed. And he goes, give me that money. And Mullen goes, like, I'm going to make this horse work. And he's like, that's impossible. And he's like, give me an extension and I promise I'll pay you back double. Yeah, pay you back with interest. And then the movie just has a very long time.

They plow the field of turnips and then everything looks good. And then it rains. And everything's ruined. I don't know if you remember this pilot. The only thing I remember after the plowing and before the war is the horse drag races a car. Yes, that's right. That's right. That's the only scene I enjoy. That's the other thing. Jeremy Irvine's got this horse, baby.

He's got a race car. This rich guy's got a car. And it's the horse's son. Yes, and 1914 is a pretty big deal. Like, cars are still new on the scene. It's like owning a spaceship. And Irvine's like, I don't need any car I got a horse and so they race the and the lady is kind of like check out that horse she wants to fuck the horse everyone wants to fuck the horse right he's peacocking with the horse the lady wants to

fuck the horse but the guy thinks she wants to fuck Irvine but no it's the horse the horse is so impressive she stands up in a moving vehicle, right? A convertible with no top. She might not know that that's a big deal in a car, though. She might not know how cars work. But I remember when this trailer came out, and the trailer was just the monologue that I butchered and shots of the horse over it. And then, like, the trailer ends with, like, a five-second shot of the horse just, like, looking right at the camera. Do you remember that? Yes.

Oh, yes. Yeah. And this was like How did anyone go see this? $80 million domestic. It was seen. Number two box office mojo horse category. That shot was kind of a centerpiece

shot of the trailer. The woman slowly standing up in the moving vehicle and giving the Spielberg look at the horse. And I remember people being like Jesus Christ this fucking movie like that trailer

was like six months before the movie came out and it was like is this what the whole movie's gonna be like just a series of Spielberg looks

at the horse and guess what it is it's basically like from National Lampoon's Vacation but with a horse so the horse

the horse the World world war one starts. Can we start calling it the wars to save time? The war horse? What? The wars. The wars. Okay. So the war starts.

Tom Hiddleston shows up. Probably best performance in the movie, right? My winner would be my Oscar winner that year. Oscar winner for best supporting actor? Such an incredible performance. Pilot. No, I would say the horse is the best actor. But no, the horse is lead. Yeah.

Hiddleston would be supporting. I thought Emily Mortimer was lead. Yeah, that's true. First bill. It's Emily Watson, but also true. Also true. I confused all the Emilys. Well, Emily Mortimer actually did secretly play the little French girl with the bones.

Yes. I did for a while keep thinking Emily Blunt. Yeah. Look, there's some British Emilys out Well, Emily Mortimer actually did secretly play the little French girl with the bones. I did for a while keep thinking Emily Blunt. Yeah. Look, there's some British Emily's out there, guys. Keep your eyes peeled. Tom Hiddleston buys the horse. Why does Tom Hiddleston buy the horse? Good looking horse. He likes his horse!

It very quickly becomes clear they're like, this horse isn't fit for war. And Jeremy Irvine comes over and he's like, please, please. He's like, don't buy this horse, you dick. And he's like, look, I know this horse is worth more

than you say it is. Right. Than I just bought it for. But that's all I got, baby. Even though I know the horse isn't good at the job you hired it to do

and won't be good at the job I'm hiring it to do. War. Damn, what a good looking horse. Now, we'll get to everything

Hiddleston does, but I just want to address the fact that Hiddleston does, but I just want to address the fact that Hiddleston buys the horse, takes the horse to France. I'm sorry, first makes an insane promise, which is, I'm paying you $300 as a loan. I promise you. Yeah, right, I'll bring the horse back. If I live through this war,

I will personally return the horse to you. Then draws charcoal pictures of the horse. Yeah. Just of its face. He draws it like one of Jack's French pearls. Yeah. He really does. Just to keep Jeremy Irvine informed of the horse's progress,

which all he's saying is still a horse. It didn't turn into a cow when we took it to France. Can I just share one thing really quickly? Of course. So when I was a kid in horseback riding, I was very into drawing horses, and it was the only thing I could draw except I couldn't draw horse heads. So I had an entire sketchbook

that was just headless horses. That's like something you'd find in a horror movie. Some child's book of headless horses. The horses are really hard to draw. You could have done a really good Godfather spinoff comic book series.

All those headless horses. So you did ride horses? I did. Wow. Did you enjoy riding horses? Sort of. Mostly it was uncomfortable and it hurts. And horses don't really want to play.

Well, you have Mr. Glass syndrome. Yes. My bones. It does seem like a lot of work. It seems like a lot of work to ride a horse. I mean, kind of. Like, once you, like, learn how, it's fine. But, like, the first few lessons are really annoying.

And the horses are generally just, like, very surly all the time. Do you know who isn't surly? Who? Joey. Sure. Joey the horse. Yeah. Now, so when you say that like

this horse is okay looking you don't get why people find this horse so attractive you're someone who's seen a lot of horses and been close to a lot of horses felt the magnetism you're speaking from a greater point of reference a bay horse that's it's breed

like B-A-E yes but also no That's its breed. Like B-A-E? B-A-E. Yes, but also no. But also B-A-Y, which is a... Five-pronged-point pilot? It's just a hair coat color. All right, so we don't even know what kind of a horse it is. It's like a very mediocre horse, like entirely. Like its abilities, its looks, it wouldn't ever win an award.

It's like the Tara Reid of horses. Basically. It's not even that talented, though. You can cast it well. You have a bit of a Tara Reid voice right now.. It's not even that talented, though. You can cast it well. You have a bit of a Tara Reid voice right now. I really do. You're sounding hoarse. Oh, Jesus Christ.

War horse. So the horse goes to war, which is the war in the movie's title. This movie's so long. It's very, very long. This movie is incredibly long. Yes. Would you say that this movie is long, Griffin? Oh, yes. It's quite long. Let's talk about Hilson's performance, very long. This movie is incredibly long. Yes. Would you say that this movie is long, Griffin? Oh, yes.

It's quite long. Let's talk about Hiddleston's performance a little bit. Love Tom Hiddleston in this movie. Tom Hiddleston at this point has been... This is the year Thor comes out. Thor comes out this year, so he's like... He just hit the map. Right.

I mean, he's been around. But in terms of major American film, he just hit the scene. Yeah, he really had. He'd really been in like nothing. Yeah. Thor came out earlier that summer. Avengers comes out the following summer. So the Hailstoners, all of that had yet to happen.

Is that what they called themselves? Yeah. Yeah, right? Right? Apparently he's F. Scott Fitzgerald in Midnight in Paris. I forgot about that. Oh, yeah. He's very good in that.

He's a good actor, and he's good in this. Right. He's great. Yeah, I mean, it's- He plays James Nichols, the captain. He's the only actor I think is fully on the right page. Yes. I think Cumberbatch is, too.

I think that this whole section is the part I like of the movie. I like this part. My favorite part comes later. You twerp. You like the glass bone girl. No, I don't. No. No, I don't. That shit bone girl. No, I don't. No. No, I don't.

That shit's bad. No, I don't. And that speaks to the failure of this movie because I should love that. Right, right, right. That's so in my wheelhouse. I'm a sap

and a contrarian and a goofball. And to make a movie about a little French girl with glass bones who just wants to ride a horse. Griffin Newman A plus number one.

Yeah. Yeah. Like they botched that that shit I think that's the worst section of the movie so I like this part of the movie because it is like it is kind of about what was happening in Britain during World War I which was like all these people sign up for war because they just think like this is going to be great like we're going to

go overseas we're going to have some triumph like we'll return home victorious and full of daring dudes. Tom Hiddleston legit is like, I'll be home soon with the horse. Don't worry about it. And they meet up in France with Benedict Cumberbatch and Benedict Cumberbatch is like, check out my horse.

My horse is a black horse and yours is brown. So, good horse, right? They have a horse race. There's supposed to be a war going on. They have enough time to do a whole race. And Cumberbatch There's a lot of racing in this movie. Cumberbatch and Hiddleston are the two actors in this movie

who feel like they stepped out of 1947. Their faces match Although that would be 30 years off from when this movie is taking place. I'm talking about more the acting. Yes absolutely. The style of a 40s movie. But absolutely. This is an old 40s movie. But he's trying to make a 40s movie, right?

Yes, definitely. And even just in terms of their awareness of their angles, they're doing these very stilted, physically controlled performances that also have a depth of feeling, which is the thing that when people try to make films as homages to that time, always becomes tricky,

is it's like, can you train actors who have been schooled in a greater form of- Can you train them like horses? Can you train them like horses? Can you break them? To plow fields? Yes, can you break them in? Can they plow?

Can they put on the donut? Can you fuck them? Can you train actors who have been schooled in a greater form of naturalism- No, I get you. I get you. Into a performance style that still has emotional depth and honesty, but is very theatrical. And these two guys, unsurprisingly, really fucking good at it. And they have the right faces and the right voices.

And they give real movie star performances. And then they both die. That's what I love. So they're just like, this is great. My horse is faster than your horse. They're probably making out in the tent. I don't know, right? They all seem to be having a great old British time.

And then they're like, great, now we're going to do a cavalry charge. This will be fun. We're going to surprise some Germans. And then the Germans are just like, oh, okay, well, we'll just use our machine guns. Because this is like modern warfare. And then they just all die. They brought a horse to a gunfight. It was a hot horse, but it was a horse.

And there's that fantastic shot of Hiddleston's face when it's like he's doing his charge, and then he just realizes, oh, this isn't going to work out for me. And then you don't even see him die. That's the last you see of him. Now, Pilot, I'd like to at uh, at this point, uh, set up a segment for this episode, which is as a, a talking animal expert, as someone who recapped every episode of dog with a blog,

I believe has seen all the films in the air bud air buddies franchise. Um, how would you in this film, were you given a pass on the script or even a pass in the edit room and gave Joey the ability to speak? What do you think Joey would say in this section of the movie? Well, first, in my version, Joey would not be a male horse. True. And she would be voiced by Wanda Sykes.

And she would say, shit! And she would get the by Wanda Sykes. Perfect. And she would say, shit! And she would get the fuck out of there. That, I think, is how War Horse should go. If Wanda Sykes, that would be great. If Wanda Sykes was just the internal monologue of this horse, essentially. I think that's the only way to save this movie. So you'd have this movie played by Garfield rules? Yes.

Yeah, okay, cool. So wait, what are Garfield rules? Like the animals talk, but the humans don't understand them? Is by Garfield rules? Yes. Yeah, okay, cool. So wait, what are Garfield rules? Like the animals talk, but the humans don't understand them? Is that Garfield rules? We can hear. They can't, but they can kind of infer emotionally. Wait, does Air Bud talk? No, Air Buddies talk.

Air Buddies talk, right, but that's not canon. No, not canon. Right, which we've discussed before on this podcast, I believe. Don't make me angry about this again. Okay. Can I say something crazy for one second? on this podcast, I believe. Don't make me angry about this again. Okay. Can I say something crazy for one second? No. Yes, go ahead.

Do you know that the television series The Penguins of Madagascar is not canon within the Madagascar universe, and then the movie The Penguins of Madagascar, based off the TV show, is not canon within the TV show? But is it canon within the movie universe? I don't think so. So you're saying there are three separate canons. Yeah. Madagascar. Correct. Penguins of Madagascar. Correct. Brackets TV. Yes. Penguins of Madagascar.

Brackets film. Fucking correct. Wait, of all the animals in Madagascar, why would they spin off the penguins? I don't know. Penguins are cute? No. Wow. That's actually kind of a hot take. I mean, they're like fine. They're not cute enough for a spinoff.

Do you mean these specific penguins are not that cute? I mean, yeah, male penguins are like fine. These penguins are kind of surly. Yeah, what do the penguins do? There's a bunch of them. They're like a shittier version. Also, like when you think Madagascar, you're not like, yeah, penguins. Also very true.

They're like a shittier version of the Green Army men from Toy Story. Right. The whole bit is that they're like Roger, Roger, and they're always on missions. They take everything very seriously. That doesn't sound funny. They made a whole movie about them? They made a four-season TV show and then went like, this is such a rich dynamic. Oh, but fuck, we can't make a movie without stepping over the toes of the chronology.

Of the Noah Baumbach scripted Madagascar universe. Yeah. So then they made a movie that has nothing to do with the TV show, which has nothing to toes of the chronology. Of the Noah Baumbach scripted Madagascar universe. Yeah. So then they made a movie that has nothing to do with the TV show, which has nothing to do with the original movie. I don't accept this. Nope. All good. So War Horse. Yep.

Hey, what do you guys think of the European accents in English that are sort of like sketch comedy, like subtle. That's true. Okay, so we can point that out because um the horse in this battle gets captured by the germans germans are yeah they're just like oh it's a good horse we have caught the horses now we fight the war like they they're they just speak english there's not even an attempt and here's the craziest thing about the accents in this movie yeah all of them are at like pierre lescargo level yeah right. It's like the voice cast of Ratatouille. Right, but they also all are played by people actually of that nationality.

They're all played by German actors. Yes, and same with the French actors. Like, all of that is insane. But they're like, oh, yes, yeah, right. Niels Asterop is just like, I'm in France. Right. My daughter, my granddaughter, she is bone-broken. Right, but Niels Asterop is, like, fucking Belgian, speaks French fluently,

and meanwhile he's giving, like, a fucking Garofalo performance. Hey, Garofalo's great in Ratatouille. Yeah, she is, but, like, that's part of the hype reality of that movie. So, captured by two German boys, one of whom is the literal fuckboy from the reader. That's right. Yeah. Guess what?

They love this one. They want to fuck this fucking horse. They just fought this terrible battle with the Brits and like, you know, mowed them all down with guns. And then their first thought is like, check this out. I like that. That's the thing that everyone can agree on during a war is like this one horse. I really want to fuck it is that the metaphor is like you know what i don't think it's a metaphor well right even in war like

we're all gonna want to fuck the same horse like there's always gonna be things that unite us as people like as a as a race of humans you know as a species this is the human condition is that we want to fuck this fucking hot horse. And to a lesser extent, that other horse that's also pretty cute. You almost feel like if the horse could talk, this movie could become Les Estrada. Yes. Like the horse could just be like, no one fucks me until the war stops. And the war would stop immediately.

We should also note that, yes, at this point, Benedict Cumberbatch's black stallion horse also is sort of in the action as like horse number two. It's like a love triangle. Yeah, because Joseph Cross is like, love both of these horses. They're good horses. Yeah. And the German guy is even like, hey, you, you're good with the horses. You keep the horses. Yes, yes.

And he's like, can my brother help me with the horses? He's like, what? No. Like, it's crazy that one person would be in charge with the horses. You keep the horses. Yes, yes. And he's like, can my brother help me with the horses? He's like, what? No. Like, it's crazy that one person would be in charge of the horses. He gets to go to the front. Right. The Black Stallion is kind of the Julia Roberts to Joey's Cameron Diaz.

And the entire human race is Dermot Mulroney. Okay. Okay. Now I'm following you. You know? Okay. Who's Rupert Everett?

Niles Anström. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, now I'm following you. Who's Rupert Everett? Nils Enstrom. Okay. So now they have the horse. So now there's like a German horse drama. Right. This is where the movie, I'm just like bored out of my mind. This is where the horse becomes a traitor, right? Yeah, that's right.

Oh, by the way, no one ever court-martials this horse for fighting for the germans right and start selling secrets too the horse is like yo loki we should also mention that the horse has a little bandana yeah cute what do you think a little bit of flair i do not remember this jeremy irvine like puts a bandana on the horse yeah that's my special bandana for you right so the so you can track the horse in the motorway so he knows which one to fuck right the brown one yeah um the germans hide out in a white sock white socks uh big chicago yeah the germans so the one of the germans is 14 and he doesn't want his younger brother to you know the older one doesn't want joseph cross doesn't want the 14 year old to go to the line so instead he's like we're gonna run away guess what on these two horses to italy hide out in a windmill we're gonna hide out in a

windmill just for the night with the horses makes no goddamn sense talk about sex a lot yeah let's talk about all the fucking we're gonna do but also like weirdly implied that all italian women are fat right which like come on man it's like 1914. Yeah. There's not a lot of food. Yeah. They also wrestle a bunch. It feels like they're just trying to fuse the sexual tension of both them wanting to fuck this horse. Like, they're like, let's talk about women. Yes, women. And then they get executed.

Yes. Like that. And is this the moment where you see that from the horse's eye? Yes. Jesus Christ. You see it reflected in the eye of the horse. Yep. Literally.

I want the entire movie to be reflected that way. That'd be great. What if it was literally only shot from what the horse is seeing, but you only see the reflection in the eye? The first HOV movie. Horse of you. I would give the movie. Horse of You. I would give the movie five stars. Right. It would be

a masterpiece. Yes, it would be a good movie. But I would call it From the Eye of a Horse. Right, yeah, Horse Eye. Yeah, Horse Eye. So, okay. Yeah. So now the horse is free, I guess. Yeah.

And then the horse goes to live on a farm with a French guy who makes jam. First of all, let's not breeze past this. Pilot, what would Wanda Sykes the horse be saying in this German sexual tension windmill section of the film? I'm not going to do another Wanda Sykes impression. Stop making Pilot do Wanda Sykes impressions. It's a little asy. I really was annoyed. You're the one who picked Wanda Sykes impression. Yeah, stop making Pilot do Wanda Sykes impressions. It's a little asy.

I really was annoyed. You're the one who picked Wanda Sykes. It's true. Don't say that. I didn't give you an actor. Listen to how mad he got. Make the horse fucking Jeremy Irons for all I care. I did like...

I was a little annoyed that Black is just not spinning off Wanda Sykes. Just because I want Wanda Sykes to have her own show again. As a horse. That'd be great. So now the horse lives on a jam farm with a jam man named, played by Neil Zyrstra,

who had just been in The Prophet. Which is great. It's like five different movies. Really? It is five movies. Yes, it is. And we are in movie four now. Right. The jam movie. And each movie feels like baby Spielberg. Each movie is like, here's Spielberg

trying to say something about the human condition. Oh, fuck, I only have 25 minutes to do it. Right. Let me do the most movie I possibly can. In 25 minutes, and then thus, the movie's still going to feel super long, but also completely lacking in anything. This is like the Michael Bay movie of Steven Spielberg movies. I would love to have someone on who likes this movie, because I'd love to have it explained to me.

Because, yeah, this is my problem with it. I kind of get it. Like, it's so classical. It's so sincere. It's so straightforward. I understand how one could like this movie. But it feels like Spielberg is overloading everything at every moment. I agree.

Every character is explaining what the horse means. I think it's marketed to people who are fans of war movies and also fans of bestiality. I think that's the best Van Dyke. Which is about $79 million in the box office, apparently. Apparently. Right. All right. The Jam Man.

Yeah. He makes jams. Yeah. His daughter's got brittle bones. Granddaughter. Her parents are dead. Her parents died resisting the war or something. I don't know. We don't really know.

The guy's like, I'm a coward. I didn't fight. And it's like, man, you're an old man who makes jams. What are you supposed to do? Germany occupies France right now. At least the northern part. Come on. What's he supposed to have done? He's looking after a nice girl. What's her name? Untitled Netflix horse mystery.

And then it's just 20 minutes of this shit. I don't know, Halsey, what else do you say about it? She wants to ride the horse, and he's like, don't ride that horse. She wants to ride the horse. He's like, it's a bad idea. And the Germans come steal all their jam. Okay, so I had checked out so far in this movie at this point that I did not know

she had like brittle bone syndrome. I thought like her grandfather was really protective of that horse. He was just like, I don't want you near my horse. I don't want you hurting that horse. I did not know it was like a medical reason. Get your butt off of the horse. Because it's like she is like, I discovered these horses in the windmill.

Cahote much? Like her first she is like, I discovered these horses in the windmill. Cahote much? Like her first joke is like, hey. Oh, yeah, right. She makes a Don Quixote joke. Maybe they read Don Quixote. Right, right. Okay, fine. And there's nothing else to say.

Terry Gilliam. Neil Zyronstrup's a good actor. Yeah. He's fine, I guess. He had like just won the New York Film Critics Circle Award. He's in a profit two years ago. He's fantastic. He got the Surprise Critics Award.

And then the day after Spielberg was like, I cast him. Yeah, War Horse. Like it fell into this category of like someone discovers like an actor of another nationality gives him a key supporting part. And Spielberg's like, I've grabbed him. Yeah. He'll be a grandfather. Right.

Right. It's like Kumar Palana in the terminal. What's his pants in Munich? Yes. Yeah. Michael Onsdale or whatever. Yes. And Almaric and all of them.

Right. So. Guy pops in a foreign film. The whole Germans come and take the horse. Like what else am I supposed to say about this? Right. You know the horse isn't going to live on Jam Land forever. Right. He finally lets the girl ride her horse on her birthday.

And like when she does the Germans take the horse. She just dies. Her bones just break completely. I thought it was going to be Casper. The first time break completely. I thought it was going to be Casper. The first time I saw this, I thought it was going to be the setup where Casper just wants the sled. He finally gets the sled. He gives himself hypothermia and he dies. Is that how Casper died?

Yeah, Casper's the most fucked up movie of all time. I have seen Casper. Okay, the first half of the movie, Casper can't remember how he died. And Christina Ricci won't stop asking him. And she's like, how did you die? And he's like, I don't fucking know. And then they uncover his father's basement where the father died trying to build a machine

to bring people back to life through a magical potion and a Rube Goldberg series of like contraptions. And then through that machine, they uncover his secret bedroom where it all comes back to him. And the story is that Casper wanted a sled more than anything.

And every day he's begged his dad for the sled and he never got it and then one morning he woke up and the sled was there and he was like dad why do you give this to me and he's like because you're such a nice boy and he went out and had the most fun he had ever had in his life riding the sled then got hypothermia and immediately died his father went mad trying to bring him back to life and casper now lives alone in a house with three bully ghosts who fuck with him day in and day out. Who are they? Is this just a cautionary tale against asking for gifts? Yes.

He's too nice and he got punished for that. They're his fucking cousins who moved in with him after they died and now he's just obsessed with Christina Ricci and wishes that he could be with her but he can't because she's a ghost and she has a crush on a human boy and at the end of the movie they get together the material for one fucking life potion but they have to spend it on Bill Pullman because he gets drunk with the ghost and falls down a sewer.

I do remember that. I also remember that when the ghosts eat it just falls through them into a pile of food on the floor. And then Christina Ricci's mother who's also dead but is an angel because ghosts can become angels if they no longer have unfinished business

says to Casper because he did a selfless thing he can be human for one hour. Cinderella rules. And then he kisses Christina Ricci. He's Devon Sawa

he kisses her they levitate and then he goes back to being a ghost. Pilot opinions on Devvin Sauer. Okay, fucking love Devin Sauer.

For some reason I knew that was gonna... Well, okay, because he's in the Eminem video and he plays Stan. Like, how can you not love Devin Sauer after that? That's true.

He does play Stan who murders Dido. The original Stan. I would say his best foes are the Stan video and then Casper, which apparently I have to rewatch

and then that's it. What about Idle Hand? That feels like a real teen pilot movie. Yeah, but that's more like Jessica Alba, not like Devin Sala. He's like, fuck. Yeah. I just snuck into Idle Hand.

I just remember the garage door scene where someone gets crushed or something. Well, also that happens in Scream as well. A lot of garage doors crushing. People were really afraid of garage doors in the 90s. All right. What about Wild America? Do you remember that?

I do not remember. Is that what lines? It was like a boy buffet movie. It was like, I think Devin Sawa. Was it John Taylor Thomas? Scott Bairstow. He was the third one? Yeah.

I thought it was one of the Lawrence brothers. That was basically just sponsored by J14 magazine. No, that's it. Francis Fisher. It's just them in the wilderness meeting animals. Going, hello, how do you do, Mr. Bear? So, by the way, the cast list is here, and everyone's name is given except for Zach Ward as DC. This is written in the Wikipedia page.

Who's really more of a punk affiliate rather than a friend of the Stouffer brothers. He just likes to get involved with them over matters that involve danger. I don't know who wrote that. I'd love to meet him. I know who wrote that. The director of Wild america william dear yes all right who also directed harry and the henderson oh all right war horse war horse so they steal horse from jam man right and then it's meanest time for the horse now now people

are not being nice to the horse after people who wanted to fuck the horse for a while the horse never gave it up. It's true. Yeah. Credit to the horse. Yeah. Now this is such a movie. Now a fat German guy falls in love with a horse and is like, but his job is just to tie horses to artillery and they have to like drag the artillery.

But this is like the men's right section of the movie where it's like all these horses are, all the people are like, this horse is a fucking prude. Hasn't given up to anyone. Barely fights in the war. True. Like it's. Doesn't fight in the war. It's just baiting us. It was in one charge, I guess. This horse is a fucking prude. Hasn't given up to anyone. Barely fights in the war. True. Doesn't fight in the war. It's just baiting us. Well, it's in one charge, I guess.

This horse is baiting us. I mean, just look at the way the horse is dressed. Yes. Like those white socks. The entire fucking movie. Except for those white socks, though. So the horse, then the horse,

well, the horse runs away. Yeah. Right? I don't know. The horse. There's another 20 minutes of this shit. Runs straight into barbed wire. Oh, yeah the horse, well, the horse runs away. Yeah. Right? I don't know. The horse. There's another 20 minutes of this shit. Runs straight into barbed wire. Oh, yeah.

No, fuck that scene. I hated that so much. So this is clearly what trip pilots. Yeah. No, I almost stopped watching. So it's a rough scene. So my guess is when the puppet does this, it's a little different. But in the real movie, the horse escapes from its German captors who are going to tie it

to some artillery. Yeah. Runs away. And you're like, go, horse, go! Runs into no-man land. This is during the Battle of the Somme. So four years have passed. Yeah. So I guess horse lived with Jam Man for a while.

Yes. All right. And then gets caught in some barbed wire, and then he's stuck. And then he just keeps going into more barbed wire over and over. It's a lot of barbed wire. This is not a smart horse. It's clearly a really stupid horse. It's a good call, not a smart horse.

No. Like, you can't go to war if you don't understand how barbed wire works. This is a horse who's been at war for four years and still doesn't know how barbed wire works, and it's World War I, which is the barbed wire war. That's also a fucking turncoat. Like, can't pick a side. Well, okay, so here's the thing. None of this movie's been plausible, right?

Right. None of it has been remotely plausible. none of this movie's been plausible right right none of it has been remotely plausible toby kebbell sees like a like a glimpse of this horse basically just a mound you know just like a shadowy figure on no man's land yeah can't he wants to fuck the horse so bad that he climbs into no man's land into like the the front of the German guns just to get a look at this horse. Yeah. That's all that happens.

Like, here's where I should go. Toby Cove was like, looks like there's a horse up there. And his commanding officer is like, yeah, okay.

I mean, they don't even think it's a horse at first. Yeah, first he's like, guy? And they're like, no, it's a horse. And he should be like,

well, if it's a horse, we gotta get it. Why would you go get it? You see this long run of Joey running through a barbed wire fence after barbed wire fence. It's a little bit like

the sideshow Bob Reich routine where any direction Joey turns and walks into another barbed wire fence. And then Joey's lying on the ground, right? Writhing in pain.

Fade to black. Right. And that's like the first time Spielberg's really done something like that. That's the end of the first act. Right. And that's like the first time Spielberg's really done something like that. That's the end of the first act. Right. Now there's four hours left in the movie.

And then when it fades up, it's Toby Kebbell in the foxhole with the periscope. Oh, someone's moving out there. What is it? Oh, it's a horse. God damn it. I'm going to go out there. I'm definitely going to go look at this horse. Right.

And then. The Germans are like, what's he doing? Looking at a horse? Shoot him. Well, okay. So I think this is the one good section this horse. Right. And then. The Germans are like, what's he doing? Looking at a horse? Shoot him. Well, OK. So I think this is the one good section of the movie. I hate this. I like this.

I hate this. No, I can't believe you like this. I like this. So then a German comes out and he's and then like they meet at the horse and he's like, looks like a horse. And everyone's like, yeah, it's a horse. Everyone comes together over the fucking horse. Right.

They cut the horse free and then they're like. They make out with the horse. Literally both of them are like, now I get to fuck the horse. And they flip a coin over who gets to fuck the horse. Right. I go tower. I try to be civil. The specific I want to throw out-

A-frame. Is when the German calls for more bolt cutters, wire cutters, and it's like, they throw 20. Yeah. They really want to fuck the horse. I think this scene is the movie that Spielberg wanted to make. Sure, that's arguable. I think this is a movie. The Hiddleston stuff is, to me, what the movie should be.

See, I think this is a movie where, like, everything the movie's trying to do in two and a half hours is negated by the fact that it sums up all of its themes in one eight-minute section. Right. And its themes are wars silly and horses are cool. Yeah, we should just like horses. Let's focus on things that unite us rather than

divide us. Like horses. And that's how the war ended. Like that scene ended in a loss. Yeah, right. But this is also There was this great horse. This is the only scene in the movie that's conversational. It's the only scene where the characters, everything they're saying What about the time those two German brothers talked about how fat Italian women are? Guys.

I'll give you that. Yeah. But I'm just trying to forget that scene. But like this is, they're squabbling over how to cut the horse free. They're not talking about what the horse represents. It's a cute scene. It's the one scene that isn't like super fucking on the nose. Yeah.

But then the horse gets up and they're like quite a horse. And they say a lot about the horse. And then he says war horse like 12 times in a row. He says, sure he's a war horse. But I even just think, I think that moment where Cabell gets out from the foxhole, goes to the front lines, cuts the horse free, and then you slowly in the background of the shot see the German appear from the fog and expect like, oh, he's going to get caught. Right?

Yeah. His humanity, his empathy for this horse has fucked him over. And the other guy's like,'s gonna get caught right yeah his humanity his empathy for this horse has fucked him over and the other guy's like so don't cut that and he's like what he's like it will snap back this and that yes you must cut this part of the horse two men trying to ignore the war at hand and just talk about the horse and i find this a little a little effective and at some point during all this there's also the scene where Jeremy Irvine's back he's in the war now that happens right after

they cut the horse right and then they they like they invade the German trench and then they get like attacked with gas and Jeremy Irvine's

simpleton friend gets gassed to death right Irvine survives but he's blinded temporarily this is the other part I was confused about

right cause I like I remember the like barbed wire and then suddenly he was blind I didn't realize something happened in between that because I was just like, fuck this. I'm no longer watching this movie.

Right. Well, the barbed wire is tough. And then suddenly he's blind. There's a gas attack, but it's just one day blindness. Yeah. So that he can accurately describe like the horse's like entire body in this scene where the horse is now like the war is over. Right.

And the horse is in like a horse hospital with the people. It's in a people hospital, I guess. A vet. Well, but there's no vet. Like, it's just in the people hospital. And then two more people fall in love with the horse. Yeah. Eddie Morrison and Liam Cunningham. Can I say one more thing about the barbed wire sequence

before we fully move on? No. No, no, no, because this is important. This is important. This is important. I think a thing that worked against the movie was this was one of the most humane animal films ever made. They didn't put the horse in any actual dangerous situations, and any time the horse is in danger, it's either CGI or the best fucking animatronic ever created. You can fall down a YouTube rabbit

hole of watching the animatronic test for the horse, which is they're unbelievable. It's like the best robotics that have ever been made. And so the whole barbed wire sequence is a robot horse that they pulled off so well that it's uncomfortable to watch. Like it's a weird, like uncanny valley that they actually conquered so that the horse looked more fake that would be less upsetting to watch because you'd accept it as like movie magic but the way it is you're just watching it the whole time you're like what do they have to put this horse

through look the horse is not just the character but the actual horse on set but they actually didn't do any of that okay fine i don't care i just think that's interesting especially because at the time we're recording this it's a week after maybe i'll just speak for myself but watching it in theaters the first time i was like jesus christ they had to fucking like all right to make this horse cry this much we'll get to i didn't see this film in theaters i saw it on a plane i went to the fucking premiere of this film wow i saw their horse it was a horse there yes walk the red carpet clop clop clop clop they premiered this film at Lincoln Center where in the theater where the play happened and Spielberg like gave

like a 15 minute speech before the movie Jesus and yeah it was weird good for you Stevie Clinton was better he introduced his cast as the players he said I had a great company in this movie I'm excited to introduce the players so the said, I had a great company in this movie. I'm excited to introduce the players. So the horse,

they like the horse. They love the horse. I like that when he describes the horse, it's basically like a 15-year-old boy who memorized a centiphone. Yes, it is. That is exactly how it sounds. He's got like a divot in his head and white socks and God knows what else

he says about this horse. He's got this little tattooot in his head and white socks and God knows what else he says about this horse. He's got this little tattoo. They're going to shoot the horse. Right. And then he's blind, but he starts whistling and then they reconnect. Right. No, it's not forgetting. He goes like.

As you just do randomly. Right. So you're like, oh, this is what the movie's about. So he's reunited with a horse. But then we get one more auction scene where Jam Man returns to be like, I bid all my jam for the horse. Has walked here from his windmill in France. Yeah, I guess so. And Jeremy Irvine, and then he buys the horse.

He paid 100 pounds for the horse. The horse immediately walks to Jeremy Irvine, which is a dick move. They're bidding now, like, Kebbel's at the auction. Marzen's at the auction. A recited Irvine is at the auction, right? So it's like all our favorite friends are back trying to buy this horse. And it's

bidding like, oh, 20, 30, 40. And Alstrup just comes in and is like, 100. Like, he goes crazy. And he gives a whole speech. He's like, and if you do not, like, let me, I will sell my farm

and a thousand of my gem. Right. Wait, I want to know the like current like US equivalent of how much they paid

for this horse. Yeah. Oh, can you, because I want to know if it's worth it or not. What's a hundred guineas? David's looking it up.

But he buys the horse and is very adamant about like, I'm not giving up this horse. I bought this horse for my granddaughter. I know this horse so well. I heard legend of this horse. I came all the way here just to buy this horse.

I got here within three days of hearing this story. Right. Yeah. And I bought it for my granddaughter. And they were like, oh, what's your granddaughter do? And he's like, she's dead. I'm sorry. I'm really trying hard to find this yes um and jeremy or if it's like you know

i i know you want this horse maybe you spent time with this horse but this is my horse you know maybe you rode this horse in war but this is my horse and he marzins like this boy didn't ride the horse in war he trained the horse this is his horse he didn't train him very well no and then alzheimer's trap is like oh okay never mind here's the horse okay This is his horse. He didn't train him very well. No. And then Al Zastrop is like, oh, okay, never mind. Here's the horse. Okay, can we rewind for a second? Yeah. When did this girl die?

Okay, she died off screen. Yes. And the implication is of a broken heart. Yeah. I believe. Not her broken bones. He says the war took everything. 100 pounds in 1918, 6,250 pounds now.

That's a lot of money. It's like $10,000,250 pounds now. It's a lot of money. It's like $10,000, $9,000, yeah. So 30 pounds is about $2,000. Wow. That's too much for a horse. Sure, sure. It's a lot of money. How much does a horse cost?

I mean, a horse is actually a bit expensive. But like, I don't know. I feel like if you just want to fuck a horse, like you can find a cheaper one. Yeah. Apparently a horse costs about, no, that's how much it costs to own a horse, which is about $2,000. Because you need a stable. You need hay.

Yeah. I can go on. Well, there's that famous phrase. The famous phrase, don't buy the horse when you can have its cock for free. And this movie doesn't abide by that. Oh, my God. This movie is about man's folly It's the exact opposite

They keep buying the horse They never get the cock They never get the cock That's true Is that what the point of the movie is? Like you can't buy this horse You might try It's just you can't buy love

That's the entire thesis You have to earn it You have to earn it By sending the horse to war Yes By sending it to war If you send your love to war The ultimate neg

The ultimate nay you you might say. Yes. So is this just a- And then at the end of the movie, it's like Jeremy Irvine gets the horse and right. Is this just a pickup artist movie? 20 minute love scene. It's great. Is this just a pickup artist movie?

Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't know. Yeah. That's why it was nominated for Best Picture at the Academy Awards. Jeez. War Horse. We did it.

He gets the horse back. That's it. There's a sunset. Yeah, there's like a sunset and two minutes of the horse's face. The most color. Yeah. The most music.

The most sun. The most horse. It's just everything at every moment. Horse. Horse. We've said horse thousands of times. Literally thousands of times. Well, it's a war horse, ain't it?

This here horse you talking about? Yeah, this horse been the worst war horse I'd say. Are you done? A war horse. They opened number seven at the box office. We did this game for Tintin, so we can't do it again. We can't do the box office game, but we did horses. Right.

So that worked. Why would... This is so boring. Like, to shoot this even? He's just filming a horse for like half a year? Maybe he wanted to film a horse. That's terrible. I want to know Spielberg's like personal feelings on horses.

Yeah, do you think he like fell in love with horses like later in life and that's why he suddenly like. Maybe. Maybe it's like his midlife crisis was like that horse. That specific horse. Yeah. Do you think he like said to his agent one day, he suddenly like maybe maybe it's like his midlife crisis was like that horse that specific course yeah do you think he like said to his agent one day he was like hey if anything across your desk like horses in it just let me know that horse became like his sybil shepherd what if he had ruined his career just making more vehicles for this horse yeah right it's like he's like i don't know, man. I think Abraham Lincoln could use a horse character. People are like, this horse is conclusively not a movie star.

He's like, it hasn't gotten the right project yet. Ready player horse. Let's see. Bridge of horse. Bridge of horses. Three months of horse training before they shot the movie oh my god the horse wrangling behind the scene 280 horses were used in one scene um what do you think crash services was like do you think they had a bunch of apples and carrots oh an animatronic horse was

used for the barbed wire i said that that. That's what I was saying. We weren't listening to you. Yeah, I know. You knew at the time. Yeah. John Williams took inspiration by visiting some horses.

Just some horses. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I just need California. Just went to see some horses. Just went up to a horse farm need California. I just went to see some horses. Just went up to a horse farm like, hey, can I look at your horses for a bit? And then they just made music in his brain. I cannot deal with the score to this film. It's really bad.

I think the main theme is kind of lovely. I think, listen, I was, I'll make a confession. I was playing a lot of cell phone games while watching this movie on my couch. And I could pretty much visualize every shot by listening to the score. What cell phone games were you playing? Come on. I'm playing a game called Disney Emoji Blitz. You have to match emojis with Disney characters.

And if you do, they become happy emojis. And if you don't, they become sad emojis. That sounds really bad. And we're recording this in January which means they have a special event going on which is

Mulan Chinese New Year event. So Mulan and Mushu have double powers. I played a game called Bubble Witch Saga 3 for a while but it wasn't enough

of a saga. I was playing Restaurant Story 2 when I was watching this movie. Okay, cool. This is a real cell phone game to me. Yeah, it's a real cell phone game. You only need to look up every 30 minutes and know what this movie. Okay, cool. This is a real cell phone game to me. Yeah, it's a real cell phone game.

You only need to look up every 30 minutes and know what's happening. Yeah, I just saw XXX, which I wish could... I should have seen that at home playing with my cell phone. Well, that's wrong. It's a masterpiece. We will cover it on our miniseries, The Films of Vin Diesel. DJ Caruso. It's a DJ Caruso joint.

I want to do the franchises of Vin Diesel as a miniseries. I don't know about that. How many horses are in Triple X? Zero. Doesn't sound like a real movie. Agreed. Agreed. But I mean, come on. Come on.

Donnie Yen. Hung like a stallion. Look, I got no opinion on Donnie Yen's genitals. I got an opinion. But I think he's great otherwise. And I feel like, yeah, we've run out of steam. Right? Like, that's it, right?

Pilot, what do you want to talk about? Let's pick some topics. No, I want to keep talking about horses. Okay. Like, there was not one single shot of a horse erection in the Two and a Half Hour movie about horses, which I feel like is false. Yeah. There's always a lot of horse-evictions on horse farms. Yeah, Freddy Got Fingered is one of the few movies

that covers that correctly. Yes. If you want to talk about Freddy Got Fingered, I can do that. I would love to. It's one of my absolute favorite movies. Not surprising. It's a real pilot movie.

David, where do you stand on Freddy Got Fingered? Saw it when it came out. 2001? Yes. Was disturbed. Have not seen it again. Ben, where do you stand on Freddy Guffinger? I rewatched it recently, and I was sort of surprised.

I mean, it's great. I loved it when it first came out. I was sort of surprised. I was like, this is fucking disturbing. It's very strange. It's really disturbing, but it's also really funny. But the sense of humor, it's still my wheelhouse. Just absurd gross.

Go ahead. I rewatched the Bum Bum song, which when I was 13 I thought was the funniest fucking thing in the world. And I was like, looking at my watch, I was literally like, alright, we get it. You put your bum on things. Rip Torn showed up and did that movie. To get

drenched in elephant cum. Yeah. Like, all the gross things. Yeah. Rip Torn goes for it. I like that movie. You know Rip Torn almost robbed a bank one time. I did know that. And then it turned out the defense was that he thought he was in his home. And apparently every time he walks into his home, he takes out a gun and says, Give me all your money.

That was truly the defense in court. Held up. Yeah. Yeah, but Freddy Got Fingered. Freddy Got Fingered I have seen over a hundred times. That's a lot of times. In my defense, at one point, my roommate was doing a stop-motion film

for her film class, and Freddy Got Fingered was on in the background, so she had to keep re-watching it and re-watching it, and it was like the best day of my life. There is a moment in Freddy Got Fingered where Tom Green is driving down the road, and he sees a bunch of farmers trying to make the horse erect

so they can extract its semen. He stops his car, pulls over, gets out, grabs the horse cock, the erect horse penis, wiggles it about and goes, it says whatever Tom Green thing. And there's a close-up of the horse's penis

in his hand. It is not fake. And then he gets back in the car and the movie continues. That's true. Which is basically the plot of War Horse. Yes. All right.

All right. Okay. That's good. That is. Yes. That's a good ending spot there. They could have included that as the making of War Horse on the DVD. If Tom Green was in this movie, I'd give it an extra star.

Yeah. Yeah. As it is, three stars. Could have used more horse. Is there a game we can play in lieu of the box office game? I know you said the horse thing but what would be

what would be what would be my voice is dying what would be a fun like horse related game okay pilot

what is he talking about I don't know pilot I'm gonna give you an animal like you're gonna actually give me an animal yes

sweet if you win this game okay the game is I'm gonna to give you an animal. Like, you're going to actually give me an animal? Yes. Sweet. If you win this game. Okay. The game is, I'm going to name an animal, and you tell me what talking animal franchise you would construct around that animal. Okay? Sure.

Okay, so you have to figure out, like, what's the right setting for that? I usually play improv games on her podcast. I know, but I feel like this is going to really... I know it sounds like I'm putting you on the spot, but what I'm trying to do is... What the fuck? Just say it. Jesus. Okay, Flamingo.

I think it would definitely be a gymnast. Cool. That makes sense. Yeah, and it would be just like this little teen Flamingo gymnast trying to make it to the Olympics, but then it turns out she has eating disorder. It gets real dark in the middle. Okay, so the whole film, the flamingo's a good gymnast,

that's not the struggle. It's not an underdog story. Is there a mean mom? It's self-acceptance. Oh, there's always a mean mom. It's self-acceptance. And the mother probably had an eating disorder as well, right, and unconsciously passed it along to the daughter

just through her micro-aggressions and her actions. Do you guys remember The Devil Inside? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. Just looking at the other movies, War Horse went up against the box office. It was the found footage movie with the woman with the lip.

Yeah, she had a little cross in her lip. Yeah. The poster was her like... One of those Catholic horror movies. Okay. Pilot, what franchise would you build around a parakeet? Definitely a rapper. That's also true.

Okay, now in this world, are there a lot of animal rappers, or is this parakeet existing trying to break into the human rap world? It's basically 8 Mile, but the parakeet is Eminem, and then all the other parakeets happen to be black. Okay. And you just have to go up against him and prove his worth as a parakeet. Okay, so it's about parakeet is Eminem and then all the other parakeets happen to be black. Okay. And he just has to go up against him and prove his worth as a parakeet. Okay, so it's about parakeet prejudice. Yes.

Parakeet on parakeet prejudice. Sure. Okay, Grasshopper. Enough. I like this. I don't. Really? Okay.

Contraband. That was another movie. That movie did weirdly well. That was about Mark Wahlberg tying money to his tummy I used to have a hot take on that movie and I totally forgot it I remember sitting in the theater

and being like this movie's a six but I think there's a good take on it Underworld Awakening yeah I apparently did not go to the movies this year The Grey

did you see The Grey? you got the wolf one? no I have not seen it really wants to fuck those wolves that movie's really good Chron chronicle the woman in black andrew do you remember that in chronicle uh vaguely when dame dehan goes bad the other guy just keeps on yelling at him as dame dehan's flying in the sky shooting lightning bolts everywhere he just keeps going andrew like it's like stop it andrew still

um still think the woman in black sequel should have been called the woman back in black and is that that's the end of the podcast

come on wrap it up great Pilot thank you so much for being here where can people follow your work at Vice you go to

vice.com and search for Pilot I'm probably the only one there also on twitter pilot bacon yep uh is is pilot inspector risd lee no longer working advice no we fired him because i could only be one okay uh i met him once no yes he's my enemy really yes because of the name yes exactly i was here first this is the son of Jason Lee. Oh, I'm aware of who pilot instructor Lee is. And Beth Reisgraf.

And I did a unaired pilot with her. And she was an incredibly nice woman. Had a really nice time working with her. And one day we were sitting at the cafeteria together having lunch

and she said like oh my son's on set today. You want to meet my son? I said, sure. And she brought him over and she said, this is pilot inspector. And I had like failed to put together the entire time that she was the mother of pilot inspector Rizgraf Lee. And I had such a hard time fucking talking to him. It's very hard to like have that be one of your go-to joke

references. It's just someone's name and have to look them in the eyes and be like, you're a 12-year-old person. Hello, pilot inspector. Yes. And how is pilot inspector? Nice boy. I could take him in a fight. Yeah, you definitely could. You probably could. He looks very gentle. He has golden curls. Yes.

Sweet kid, though. Sweet kid. Sweet kid. Love you, Jason Lee. You're a weird Scientologist, kid, though. Sweet kid. Sweet kid. Love you, Jason Lee. You're a weird Scientologist, right? Yeah. Yeah. Too bad.

Remember that show where you played an Elvis impersonator and a cop? Memphis Blues? Correct. All right. Great to have you, Pilot. Always the best. Thanks for talking about this hot horse. So angry. I feel like exhausted.

Good horse. It's a little hot in here. Yeah, it's a little hot. It's cold outside. It's cold outside. Baby, it's cold outside. Thank you all. I feel like I shouldn't

even do this wrap up because it's so, everyone at this point is like, please stop talking. Everyone at this point has just deleted this podcast. You try to do the wrap up,

David. Thanks everyone for coming, talking about that walkable horse. Sorry for my voice. Joey the hot horse. Thank you for being with us, Pilot. And as always, keep fucking that horse. Sorry for my voice. Joey the hot horse. Thank you for being with us, pilot. And as always, keep fucking that horse.

I don't know. That'll do, David. That'll do, horse. That'll do. I mean, I'll say, David, I was really dreading this episode, and then you now have given it a read that I find it that everyone wants to fuck the horse that's the only way the movie makes sense

did people love horses that much in the 19 teens but they don't pay attention to any other horse in the movie they don't care that people are dying they just care about the goddamn horse have you seen this horse though it's fucking hot I'll say this.

War Horse has the shortest quotes page I've ever seen on 9toV. What is the quote? It's six quotes. I've never seen this. Joey, horse noises. Yeah. One of the quotes is,

well, look at you. Another quote is, be brave, be brave. This has been a UCB Comedy Production. Check out our other shows on the UCB Comedy Podcast Network.