Blind Plea - Introducing: Since You Asked

Episode Date: September 23, 2025

This week we’re popping in your feed to tell you about a new show from Lemonada Media, Since You Asked.  Who doesn’t need advice—and who doesn’t love giving advice? Since ...you asked, we’re happy to answer. Each week, two friends—Gretchen Rubin, a happiness researcher, and Lori Gottlieb, a therapist—tackle the daily problems of living with all of you. Whether it’s the pet peeve that’s annoyed you for years, the question you’re too embarrassed to ask, or the dilemma you can’t solve, they’re here to talk it through. They’ll also shake things up with a rotating mix with special segments that offer a fresh approach to tackling the problems of everyday life. We invite you to weigh in yourself, so get ready to bring your best advice. Whether this podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh, we’re glad you’re here. You’re about to hear a clip from the first episode from Since You Asked After you listen, head to: https://lemonada.lnk.to/SinceYouAskedfd to hear the full episode and follow the show.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 Lemonada Hello, I'm Gretchen Rubin. And I'm Lori Gottlieb. We are dropping it into your feed to share a podcast we think you'll really like. It's our new show with Lemonada Media, called Since You Asked. Every week, we take on the problems of everyday life, from that small annoyance that's been bugging you for years to the big questions about love, work, family, and meaning. And as a happiness researcher, and as a therapist, and as long-time friends, we bring different
Starting point is 00:00:35 perspectives to the table and, of course, a little bit of fun. Because life is complicated enough. We want to help you feel lighter, more understood, and maybe even inspired to try something new. So today, we're giving you a special preview. You are about to hear a clip from the Since You Ask podcast. And if you like what you hear, head to Since You Asked to check out the rest of the episode. You can also click on the link in the episode notes. And we're back with a question from Nick about a flaky friend.
Starting point is 00:01:09 My name is Nick from Los Angeles, California. So my question is regarding a friendship. I have a friend I've known for probably about eight years or so, and we hang off sort of semi-regularly maybe once a month, once every two months or so. Every time that we're together, he seems to be enjoying himself. It seems like we get along really well. But for some reason, I've noticed that I'm always the one who has to make the plans.
Starting point is 00:01:32 And I find that he'll often cancel or reschedule right at the last minute. So I'm wondering if I should take this as a hint that he doesn't want to continue the friendship. And if so, would it be best to just confront him directly and ask him about this? Or should I just simply stop trying to make plans? Thanks so much. Interesting. I think this comes up quite a bit in friendship. It does.
Starting point is 00:01:53 This question of who's initiating and do I matter? and are we both as invested in this friendship as the other person is? I think here Nick said they've been friends for eight years. And it sounds like the friend puts in the effort to get together about once a month, which, by the way, for eight years, I don't think that's insignificant. No, that's a lot. Right. I don't think that's a question of whether the friend enjoys hanging out with him
Starting point is 00:02:18 because the friend would not get together that much over this long period of time if he didn't enjoy hanging out with him. Yeah, it's just some friendships are like this where they, There's an imbalance of who initiates and who is the glue that brings people together. It doesn't necessarily mean that the friend is not interested in the friendship because, as you say, he's showing up regularly. And that shows that he values the friendship and enjoys spending time together. And so it's tricky because it is frustrating when you have to initiate every time and when someone cancels and then you feel like you're not a priority and maybe you have tickets to a concert and they canceled the last minute or reservations at a restaurant. But I think that what Nick needs to think about is that we have different kinds of dynamics with
Starting point is 00:03:01 different friends and people have different personalities. And I think Nick has to really decide if his enjoyment and connection with this person is worthy inconvenience. Because this person comes with his quality. I always say you can't order people up all a cart. There can go substitutions. You take them as they are and you enjoy the meal or you just don't order the meal. And I think he has to decide, do I want to keep ordering this meal? Is that worth it to me. So I have this personality framework that I created, the four tendencies, the divides people into four tendencies, and one is the rebel. And something that is a very typical of rebels, other people sometimes as well, but very typical of rebels, is that they really dislike having
Starting point is 00:03:40 things on their calendar. And they will often cancel, even if they want to do something, they want to see you, they enjoy hanging out with you. They do want to go to that concert, but they just really dislike the feeling of being expected to go someplace and having it on their calendar. And this is helpful to Nick because if that's true, don't take it personally. As you say, this is just something that is on the menu. It doesn't reflect on their friendship. And so it's just something to take into account as Nick makes plans. Sometimes with a rebel or people like this, it's easier to keep things open and more free-flowing.
Starting point is 00:04:14 So the person has a greater sense of freedom and choice. So you would say something like, oh, I'm thinking of going on a hike Saturday morning. Let me know if you want to join. Or it can be fun to get drinks at the new bar. I'm getting a group together. You can come if you want. And keeping it open like that, that tends to work better for people who are rebels. And so I think what we're saying is the friend is.
Starting point is 00:04:34 And sometimes we want to change the friend. But maybe we need to think about how we're going to deal with it on our side. So what is our advice? Our advice is don't take it personally. It doesn't sound like he doesn't like you. And at the same time, manage your expectations. Don't count on this person not canceling. and maybe even have a backup plan.
Starting point is 00:04:54 Don't buy non-refundable tickets unless you want to go by yourself or maybe you have another friend who wants to sub in at the last minute. Right, right. And remember what you value about the person and also keep in mind, this is the friend I have. We have many different kinds of friends with my marriage. I often say to myself, when I'm thinking about something that I don't particularly appreciate about my husband, Jamie, that's not the guy I'm married. We get different things from different relationships. And so, again, it's, as you were saying, you have to think about, well, is this tradeoff worth it to me? Right. And I like, that's not the guy I'm married. That's not the friend I have.
Starting point is 00:05:28 So it doesn't mean that the friend isn't a good friend, just like you love your husband, but there are certain things that that's just not the guy you married. That's just not the friend you have. And so part of that is accepting that in this friendship, you're going to have to be doing the work. And if the friendship isn't worth you're doing the heavy lifting, that's something that you need to evaluate. But again, it sounds like you value this person, and if you can accept that this is who he is, some people are just really messy. Yes. I see this in couples all the time where somebody is like, but this person leaves the bedroom really messy, and that means they don't respect me and they don't care about what's important to me.
Starting point is 00:06:04 They really have trouble not being messy. And it sounds like this friend really has trouble not canceling plans. So this is, again, no substitutions. This is the friend that he is. and that's where you have to evaluate whether that is enough for you. So Nick asked, should he talk to his friend about it? What do you think? I think that he can talk to his friend once and say,
Starting point is 00:06:27 when you cancel, it makes me feel, however it makes him feel. But I would not expect any change. So I think it's worth mentioning because it's important in friendships to be open and honest. But the friend might say something like, oh, I'm really sorry. I'll try not to do that anymore. But don't expect that to happen. It sounds like this is just something about the friend, and that's how he is. And it's worth mentioning just so he knows and maybe he can make an effort.
Starting point is 00:06:55 But I think it's going to be really hard for him to make a substantial change. On a slightly different note, I would say, Nick, give credit to yourself and recognize the value to yourself and to others that you're doing by making the effort to strengthen bonds. That takes time and energy and effort. and it's really, really valuable. The people who do the work of friendship are really important. And it reminds me of this beautiful passage from Gertrude Stein's brilliant,
Starting point is 00:07:22 the autobiography of Alice B. Toklis. And she's talking about Guillaume Pallinare. And she wrote, The death of Guillaume of Pallinare at this time made a very serious difference to all his friends apart from their sorrow at his death. It was the moment just after the war
Starting point is 00:07:36 when many things had changed and people naturally fell apart. Guillaume would have been a bond of union. He always had a quality of keeping people together. And now that he was gone, everybody ceased to be friends. Having that quality of keeping people together is really, really important. Yeah. And I think especially when so many people are saying, I want more connection. Sometimes part of getting that connection isn't about keeping score about who's doing more. It's about if you want that connection,
Starting point is 00:08:06 be the glue. It's not a contest. And then before we go, are you ready to give some advice? Here is a question to ponder. We will discuss it in the next episode, and we would love to hear your thoughts. It's from Rea, and it goes like this. I've been having more of a moral dilemma recently in my relationship, and I would love for your advice on the situation. So for context, I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over four months now. In the very early stages of him and I, his roommate and best friend, let's call him Jack,
Starting point is 00:08:43 was seeing my roommate. About one week into my boyfriend and I officially dating, Jack cheated on my roommate. It was a very messy breakup, as most cheating-related breakups are, because my roommate found texts between Jack and the girl, let's call her Carly, in which it was very clear that Carly knew my roommate was in the picture, yet proceeded anyway. Aside from being absolutely devastating to my friend and roommate, the impact of Jack and Carly's actions completely changed the dynamic of our friendships, made my living situation uncomfortable, and to this day has been a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend. After things happened, Jack and Carly kept seeing each other in secret, but recently they've become more serious and have started to hang out with
Starting point is 00:09:26 our friends and are always at the house whenever I go to see my boyfriend. Jack has yet to own up to his actions or apologize for the impact it had on me, but Carly recently reached out trying to make amends. She has expressed interest in taking responsibility for her actions, but also said that she would like to get to know me when I am ready to. I have no interest whatsoever in making amends or getting to know her, but my boyfriend has been pushing me to forgive and forget. My question is, how do I reduce the strain that this has on my relationship without feeling like I am compromising on my moral values? Oof, that is a messy situation. That's a tough one. Yeah, it's confusing. Everybody's so connected to everybody else. There's a lot to think about and a lot going
Starting point is 00:10:12 on. So we want to hear what you all think about this question because we're going to tackle it next time. Think about what your advice might be and we will discuss it.

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