Blocks w/ Neal Brennan - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: December 15, 2022

Neal Brennan interviews Bert Kreischer about the things that make him feel lonely, isolated, and like something's wrong - and how he is persevering despite these blocks. Bert's Blocks: Not Attractive (02:20) Competitive (06:24) Sensitivity (09:19) Insecurity (17:10) Death (43:46) Cynicism (53:03) Bert reacts to David Letterman voicemail (1:00:51) Watch Neal Brennan: Blocks on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81036234 Theme song by Electric Guest (unreleased) Subscribe on YouTube: https://bit.ly/2Lf6yvE Neal Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nealbrennan Twitter: https://twitter.com/nealbrennan Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

With Uber Reserve, you can book your Uber ride in advance. 90 days in advance. Perfect for all you forward thinkers and planning gurus. Reserve your Uber ride up to 90 days in advance. Uber Reserve. See Uber app for details. All right. Hey, it's me, Neil Brennan. This is the Blocks podcast. I a netflix special called blocks where i have behind me uh different figures blocks literally representing different areas of my life that make me feel like something's uh weird or off or makes me feel alone or crazy i'll say exactly what you said this is exactly they these are technically the areas in my life where i sometimes where i

feel like something's wrong with me yes because i because you said because i didn't realize that's what your blocks were i thought they were just great bits that you were like oh yeah and i'll put this there and then that'll remind me to go to this one next which i thought was a great device so when you said today to write down your blocks yes i was like oh you mean bits i'm working on because that's how my brain works and then we sat in the gym this morning, and I heard that line. You say that line. So I tried to write down. You already said one of them that I kind of jumped on,

and I was like, duh. And then. What was it? When a girl sees a guy that's attractive. Oh, no. All right. So tell me your name again. Peter?

He's a steward. He's your steward? Well, he looks like Jon Snow. Which part of your face should I punch you in? He was. Jon Snow was a steward to the the general of the yeah of the north okay and so and so i was watching this i always had a problem saying assistant it just doesn't seem weird i'm they're all awful yeah it didn't seem right because he does so much more than just assist yes and so producer is a good one yeah but i don't he's not that so all right let's not get ahead of ourselves this guy peter is very good looking so he came in

and you said my daughter and her friends freaked out and they're like they call him peewee they're like peewee oh my god they ran to the man cave leanne heard them scream from inside the house inside the house you heard them scream from our where we did the podcast like one direction yeah and yeah and like zane yeah and i walked out and they're like pb's here dad and i was like yeah he's here all the time like it's not a big deal and i said this when you see a woman react to a genuinely good looking man you realize how much they're not reacting to you all the time i have been hyper aware of that my entire life have you what was the first time you realized that there was a level of man that you were never going to get to fifth grade nell rudolph wouldn't couple skate with me and i was like we're couple skating right and roller skates and you you you

said will you and it was the first time i did a temper tantrum like where i went that's it mel rudolph by the way sounds like a civil rights icon uh no she doesn't sound black yeah she's jewish she uh she but that was the first of many of me not knowing how to control people's reaction to me not living up to what I wanted it to be. I always say it's like when you get off stage, I want people to just carry me out on their shoulders. Yes. You want like, I did it. And with women, you so rarely get that. and with women you so rarely get that i never got it to the point where one of the things that i still is a block for me in life that i think about often i was never the guy in high school in college

after college starting stand-up moving out to la that anyone said you know who you got to set her up with burt it's so funny they'd be like their hot friend would come in from fucking edmonton and they'd all be like and they'd be like don't be weird burt can you not be a hundred percent you can you i mean i i i had it got to a point where i it started happening to dudes where like my personality was so overwhelming at times that they like dudes would be like i i need a break from you oh and so like i girls never ever ever said you gotta meet burt and i don't know if this is in the same block but this is gonna come out wrong i have an aversion to whores i know you're not supposed to whore shame but i have an aversion whores meaning like slutty women women

who sleep with a lot of men and i know you're allowed to now butore shame, but I have an aversion to- Whores meaning like slutty women? Women who sleep with a lot of men. And I know you're allowed to now, but I don't do that. So I expect you not to do that. That's not who I want to be with. A girl who treats her body very publicly, I'm not that person. I'm very, I fall in love. Why do you not? Oh, okay.

Go ahead. I fall in love. I went to bars in college. Very quickly. Like before you slept with Leanne, your lovely wife Leanne? Hold for applause, Leanne, of course. If Le leanne was here she'd say the exact same thing i wouldn't go out on a date with her because i thought she was a whore because because i got so sex in the city really fucked me up it made me believe every woman who was over 35 was just wanted to fuck get raw dogged

fuck as many guys as possible i need to have as many sexual experiences as possible and so i was like dude why raw where'd raw were they raw dogging was that like would you they'd be at brunch going like you raw dog right clink i i just assumed no one wore condoms they all just right they didn't like no one gave a fuck about their bodies they didn't do a cutaway of a condom yes yeah no one gave a fuck about their bodies no one gave a fuck about their bodies. They didn't do a cutaway of a condom. Yes. Yeah. No one gave a fuck about their bodies. No one gave a fuck about their future partner. No one gave a fuck about their fucking kids. Like everyone just wanted a fucking raw dog. It was a free for all.

And then you moved to New York and that's all. Like girls were just fucking. And I'm, look, I'm not a prude. I wanted to share more than just sex with people. There are two women that can listen to this. Maybe two women that can listen to this and go, hold on, we hooked up after one night. He had sex with me, but there are two.

I can actually call them on the fucking phone. In your life, two. In my life, two. How many women have you slept with in your life? Six. Six. It's crazy. It's crazy.

People think that I'm making it up because I was the party animal. And do you feel like that's the right amount? Or do you feel like it should have been more? No, no. I actually think it's two over. Actually, I had that same thought. I feel like six is too many.

You're ashamed. Well, because there was a time where I was like, Did you grow up Catholic? Yeah. Okay. All right. That is fine. There was a period when I was in Comic-Con New York,

and dudes were trying to hook up after the shows if you saw their shows they'd meet you down at the bag the bag it in and they kind of like not corner them but like be like yo that table i'm on that yeah and then i'd always be like another one of my box competition you can write it down um one of your blocks is competition you're overly competitive no no no underly i am genetically designed to be extremely competitive okay i'm very competitive but i i know that that's not a healthy part of my personality right so i shut it down so if a guy goes i call that chick i find that such a fucked up thing to say to another guy going right on let her decide yeah yeah let her decide yeah he's like don't step on me bro yeah and you're like and there are guys there are guys

in our business that are my age that are stand-up comedians that would bring that energy to every night after a show when i just wanted to hang out and party they'd be like hey uh the one by the bar that's mine and you'd be like yeah then you're like if i acknowledge her i'm an asshole and i was and i was and i was never more successful than anyone everyone was more successful than me so you want to move forward in comedy you're like oh sure thing man she's all yours and then i was just like i'll go home alone i don't give a fuck like i actually fought with it because i was like the fuck is wrong with me i was going into bars including in college like looking to fall in love like like looking to like i hope someone connects with me it's like the opposite of most guys i don't want

to say all guys but almost every guy i've ever met i didn't realize you didn't have to like date a woman if you slept with her until i was like in my 30s i thought if you sleep with her she's your girlfriend because that's a Catholic thing where you're just like, well, no, she's my girlfriend. I'm not going to defame her. Yeah. The only out of the two, I think two one night stands I had, I said I love you to one of them in the middle of it.

The first time I had sex with Leanne, this is how. Did you? Why did you say that? I just said I love you because that's what I did when I had sex with people. I i love you it's one of the things my go-to things was it's just like kissing her on the neck i love you so much like i just love you and you're like you're like lenny from of mice and men dude you have no fucking idea do you crush puppies when you meet them do you say i love them and then you next thing you know they're like jay won't tommy won't the puppy won't move no but when i saw that movie in high school i thought i wouldn't mind going out like that tell me i can feed the rabbits george can i feed the rabbits tell me

what it's like gonna like it's gonna like what it's gonna be like it's gonna be i think that's how people want to bear sand tom okay by the way we did the dance video and that you know i did the original dance video and then tom saw it and and and then created his dance video and he spent like 42 000 on his i spent 1200 on mine right my dancing stood out his was needed to be covered with a bunch of special effects and yeah well everybody knows that i go solo he needs to put he throws money at it i just bring talent so i watched it and i didn't understand him stabbing me and like that's a one of my other blocks write it down sensitivity i really you can see it when you watch me i just get confused that's his sense of humor is like it ends in murder or whatever someone dies yeah and i did not get it and i was

like and he was like right and he could see the look on his face like wanting approval like i stabbed you to death and i was like why would you do that and i was like is this like a joke i don't get like and i showed it to my daughters my daughters were loving it they were loving it and then when he stabbed me they're like why would he do that and i went sweet i'm not the weird one right like you didn't get that either right but everyone loved it i mean everyone loved that he stabbed me and i fell and i died like they loved it i love that you said i love it's a similar thing of like it's just a catholic thing yeah like guys we went to high school with one of them got a girl pregnant early and it was like just get an abortion but he'd already sinned like

you know what i mean like well i've no i'm not gonna i would never we don't yeah i get that even when you were 18 you would never never i would never get an abortion i literally i i don't know i guess i'm pro-choice because i want people to live their own lives i don't want to make decisions for them leanne the other day we were in the hot tub, right? George is in college. Isla's out with her friends and Leanne never does this. She gets naked and gets in the hot tub. She turns the hot tub on. She makes two signature cocktails and gets naked and gets in the hot tub and brings me a signature cocktail. And I'm like, I go, what's up with this? And she's like, I don't know. This is what our life can be like. I know you're bummed about I don't know. This is what our life can be like.

I know you're bummed about the girls leaving, but this is what our life can be like. So we get in the hot tub. But are you trying to fuck or not? That's all that's on my mind. Yeah. So I get in the hot tub. I said, uh. You said I love you because she was naked.

No, no. Immediately all I wanted to do. I told her, I said, my thing right now, my thing right now is I'm trying to, I am trying to appreciate cuddling in life. So life. You know what's great about you as a guest and part of, I think, your appeal on Two Bears is you're fucking endlessly weird. I am very, I am very, very weird.

It's endless. It's fucking endless. want to talk about the stuff that I, that I think can be interesting, but the thing I stuff I think is interesting is always a little off center to everyone else where they're like, you do that. And then I don't mind going, yeah, yeah. I shower in pools. So, so I'm working on cuddling right now. So like sunsets, when I was a kid, smells were a big thing to me. Like a smell. When I got, went to Florida state, I could be at that city and I would wake up and the smell of the city was so different than Tampa. That was my dopamine. Just the smell of Tallahassee.

The changing of seasons. We didn't get any season change in Tampa. But in Tallahassee, you got an actual season change. The color of the dirt is different in Tallahassee than it is in Tampa. And they have hills in Tallahassee. So many things would fire my dopamine that I didn't really drink until I went to Russia in all honesty I never really drank I didn't need to I really enjoy I had a dog having a dog was a big dopamine change like fire up I got an iguana like these little things in life

would would would fire me up and then now I'm at a place in life where and I realized I lost sight of the cuddle in life i just want to fuck so like i can see a sunset you're fucking life yeah i was you weren't cuddling life yeah you just wanted to fuck fuck it i got to the place now where i can't even cuddle with life like i can catch a change in weather and i go that's nice we need to open a bottle of wine and i just want the penetration of it i just want let's open a bottle of wine let's hide the joint let's uh oh my god this is great you felt cool it's, it was windy the other night, really windy. And I was like, I was like, I need a cigar. Like, and I go, oh, I need to slow things down and just get back

to the cuddle of when I was a kid, when I go. So how long do you take to appreciate the wind? Leanne is the one that made me realize this. And so when we got in that hot tub, I didn't touch her for, I wanted to talk to her and just her to relax in the hot tub and us to enjoy the hot tub and have a conversation and talk and connect. I would like to say for the record, because we're in public and people are hearing to it, this is for men. You literally can never give a woman too much foreplay. Cause I was going to say she, Leanne must've been like, let's fuck. much foreplay because i was gonna say she and liam must have been like let's fuck but when you literally can net there's not a thing as too much foreplay for women it you are so fucking right like an hour isn't too much like an hour 20 they'll be like all right let's do it but like we

talked we talked and we had a great conversation and she said to me she was and this goes back to the abortion thing she said uh hey i haven't got my period and i was like oh how old is she i'm 50 she's 52 and i was like i was like no like yeah it's called menopause i didn't know that it is menopause i went from thinking i was gonna have a baby to having an old lady let's get some cigars i was like mother fucker she goes no i'm never getting it again and i was like oh i was like i thought i was having to get it like put the put the uh book of baby names away like forget it i don't want a kid anyway oh i guess i'm just gonna she hasn't had a period in a while burt there's yet another period no no she got it again she's getting it again still well yeah because she's all got off her

birth control and so like uh just so crazy birth you you're you could understand this but birth controls is putting a stimulant in their body she's been on birth control since she was like 14 15 what women do for reproductive for period it's i always there's no bigger misogynist than God. Yeah. The biggest misogynist of all time. Bigger than dice. What's really crazy is I never, I would never wear a condom when we first started dating. And I realized this is what I'm going to marry. Also perfect podcast guest and host.

You don't even know what a boundary is. You shouldn't tell me that you never wore a condom with leanne i you have no boundaries and it's absolutely it makes you the perfect modern uh podcast person and rears its head when your kids start getting googleable and yeah how is that oh dad what the fuck they go at the end of the day you slept with six women you know i mean like there's so many like, but never a condom. But that's another weird Catholic thing where there's a Catholic thing with condoms where it's like, well, I'm already sinning, so I might as well not give myself any protection from this. I'm already, you know what I mean?

Yeah. I never, I wore condoms my whole life. I never, I wore condoms my whole life. My third girlfriend was on the pill, got on the pill, and I didn't have to wear condoms with her. But still, at the end of every month, I was like, what if she's pregnant? I've always sweated at the end of the month to find out if she was going to get, they were going to get their period.

I was like, there should be an app that registers when a woman gets her period so you know that she got her period. Yeah, like, don't do it. I need the period tracker. You don't need it. Yeah, she doesn't need it. You know what's's happening they would just get their periods and not tell you and just be like yeah well the best is when they're late and then you're just like holding your breath and then a week later they'll be like oh yeah i got it you're like yo yeah you gotta tell me day when it's like minute spotting i want to know minute yeah i'm begging this is very important to me oh yeah by the way

that entire life-altering thing we talked about yeah it's not gonna happen you giving up i when i was when i performed in tallahassee i walked uh past reynolds hall and i we part you have to just text me your blocks because we're never i know from from from doing the podcast is it's like your level of of add is death uh death text it to me when you care about what people think it's it's it's perfect what's the thing when you What's the word? I was trying to guess. What's the word when you care about what people think about you? Insecurity.

That's it. I'm insecure. I put that down. I don't know how to cut and paste. I can't cut and paste. No, yeah, I figured. Yeah, buddy, I was afraid of that. Copy.

Texting to you. Oh, shit, I texted him to rogan what do you care about what people think about you i'm not fucking burt fucking do you own a kettlebell what the fuck you worried about falling in love just take testosterone so you're cuddling life and you spent the last couple i'm interested in cuddling life i'm trying to get back to the little things okay so we're in the hot tub did you make leanne feel comfortable and you gave her verbal and emotional foreplay yes and for how long long enough that we were ready to get out of the hot tub and then she got on top of me and we were ready to get out of the hot tub and then she got on top of me and we started having sex and then in the hot tub which never works but

we started literally never worked once yeah no yeah you gotta try it yeah and then you swab the decks all the hard work you put in is fucking cleaned out so you gotta fucking bring her back swab the i don't even know what that means anyway so, so you flush it. You flush it. If you're having sex in the hot tub, all the fucking work you put in to lubricate the situation gets flooded out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we go back into the bedroom, and we had fantastic sex. I mean, fantastic sex.

How many times did you tell her you loved her? Oh, every time. Can I tell you what i said several times what i say no what i say to leanne now is i have a weird feeling that's i'm gonna sound like a fucking lunatic it's fucking that ship has sailed you're the craziest part i mean i have a thing with leanne the best part of sex with me and her is at the end where you like lay on top of each other when she lays on top of me and then you sit there and i always go i can't believe i still love you like i can't believe yeah that this is still good like

i can't believe you're i i really think it's cool that's how by the way that's what a relationship should be it should feel like i this is a miracle that this still works i said to her today i said i don't know if peter caught on to this because she came into the the gym during you let peter watch you guys fuck right yeah i mean he's your fucking what is he your commander my steward he's your steward yeah so we went i woke she's if you get to produce a level you get to fuck her yeah just FYI fucking throw Leanne in the briar patch she's not the only one that gets excited say the word yeah so she has not been wearing a bra in the mornings but if peter comes over she puts on a bra and when she doesn't wear a bra that's like

my favorite thing in the fucking world it's my favorite favorite thing in the – Is it like a dirty T-shirt or it's like – No, it's just whatever the fuck. It's some stupid shirt that I'm no gynecologist, but I can see a dirty cunt when I see one or whatever. I don't know if that's the shirt, but it's just some silly shirt. That was probably the wrong shirt. That's not the shirt. It's whatever. It says Snoopy on it or something.

It says picture Snoopy dirty cunt on a jacket. But it's like, it's my favorite thing. And so I'll go up behind her and cuddle her if she's doing dishes or like on the computer or something. And I always say to her, you have no idea. Like no one gets this. That someone's that in love with you. No one gets that.

Like I don't have it. I don't think Leanne just sees me in a pair of silk uh jogging shorts and just grabs my car like i'm so lucky to have this that thing of like you have in order to even make an impact on women you have to look like peter otherwise you have to like work and earn it and do shit yeah i can dance and fucking magic all this i had to soft shoe though my whole fucking life i had to you know i actually have i had theories on this about i got into a fight with uh uh stacy dash one night one time sure and uh we were it was a spin class uh bob from the biggest loser was the teacher random as fuck

right so crunch is back in the day i put my stuff on the spin bike and then i went to go do abs and then i went back and uh and my stuff was off the spin bike on the ground over in front of another spin bike and stacy's ashes on my spin bike back in the day crunch only had like 15 spin bikes out of the out of the 50 they had that were like good still good high end i like to just invite the audience right now to make at the end of this make a super cut of the random shit burt has said during this podcast it's astonishing and how my face gets redder as i drink no way it's great but also how you act like it's totally normal like no yeah i got no fight with stacy so bob from the biggest losers of

course so bob's bob's a very inspirational dude, for real. Like the guy legit knows how to connect with people. There's a few people that do that. But he was a legit great coach, very great coach. So I go to Stacey Dash. I go, hey, my stuff is on that bike. And Stacey Dash has never had to use her words to get anything. Other than, can I have a coffee, please?

And then everyone was like, sure. What size? What size? You're gorgeous. So I said, that was my spin bike. She goes, no, it's mine. And I realized in that instant, I was dealing with someone that doesn't talk, that doesn't use words. Well, she doesn't have to persuade anybody to do anything.

Right. Her thing is. When women say, I'm going to seduce him, you're just going to make yourself available. Yeah. There's no seduction. You just, a woman seducing you is standing in your eyeline. It's like when girls go like, let's go to his work. When they like, like your, your daughter's probably at the age where if they think a guy's cute, they just go to his job.

Because that's all they have to do. Yeah. That's it. We go to his job because that's all they have to do yeah that's it we gotta like do shit i ran circles around her intellectually in a conversation about spin bikes and she just started crying because she had never used her words before and she just i watched it and i went. And by the way, I was single at the time and I was super misogynistic. And I was like, of course, that's what you do. Of course. You don't have words. You can't, you've never taught, you never taught to use words.

You're going to cry. And then Bob was like, yo. Did you, you said that? Yeah. And Bob goes, let it go. And I went, no, Bob. No. She took my spin bike.

And this is in the middle of a spin class by the way there's still a spin class happening everyone's clipping in everyone's warming up hitting the hill and you're going like and another thing stacy dash but here's the interesting thing every one of these people in this group knew also there's only 15 good spin bikes everyone knew the currency i was dealing in was spin bikes and that's what they dealt in every day that's why they showed up early we're talking to early early people and bob only rode a one spin bike the one at the front of the class that's going to be the best spin bike there is of course right yeah so i'm like no bob she took my spin bike and you're

watching people going hey man it's fucked up you don't he he called that bike because that's how everyone operated and bob was like you get to pick the battles you want to fight i think this isn't the one and and in a weird way i kind of heard it like bob had a great way of like a great way of saying things that i understood one time i was about to go to thanksgiving and he was like he was like do you we're in we're in this he goes everyone had a saddle that means like stand up a pedal he goes do you want to go home this. He goes, everyone out of the saddle. That means like stand on a pedal. He goes, do you want to go home this Thanksgiving and have everyone that you wanted to fuck want to fuck you? And I was like, in my head, I'm like, that's all I've ever wanted.

And he was like, then stay out of that saddle. And I'm like, okay, stay out of the saddle. Stay out of the saddle. Do you want to walk into the bar that you grew up going to and have everyone at college see you and go god damn you look good i slept on that guy then stay out of the saddle he spoke so sincerely to my heart that i stayed out of that saddle and i went home that thanksgiving and the hottest fucking chick two years older than me came up and goes you look good i was like motherfucking bob

fucking bob fucking bob and did you did you is she one of the six i hooked up with her did you know i didn't have sex with her i kissed her i kissed her i was a big kisser yeah because i've never heard someone refer to it as hooking up kissing yeah that's that is how many women have you hooked up with kissing a lot tons kissing like 40 oh no no i thought that many 12 probably i probably kissed metal kiss i don't kiss you unless i'm gonna fuck you probably like or unless i intend to fuck you if i have hopes of fucking you right 12 i i would i would argue oh that's a great question okay so high school i could probably name them great go uh a i'm gonna do first initials a j oh do you i don't care about first initials j no i'm doing

it for me oh j there's a lot of jenny's in there 80s in philly 80s and 90s philly in tampa in tampa sorry um i'm gonna say 11 dude i bet i'm not out of 20 women that you made out with made out with yeah i bet i'm not oh well here's a question so how long that night did you and Leanne have sex? How long did you last? Not very. How long is not very? I have jokes about them, but they're all my special.

Very quick. Very quick. All right. I'm just wondering what. Happens immediately. What the other. All she has to do is a couple things. God, your shoulders look big. And then I'm just wondering what happens immediately. What the other. All she has to do is a couple of things. God, your shoulders look big.

And then I'm like, what did you say? And then if she, she literally, she has a script. If she says your shoulders look big, I immediately like, I'm like in my eyes. And if she touches my nipple, it happens immediately to the point where I go, don't do that to me. Like you're now I know that you're just like, let's wrap it up. Boom. And just touches my nipple. happens immediately to the point where i go don't do that to me like you're now i know that you're just like let's wrap it up boom and just touches my nipple and i'm like this is fantastic yeah hey do you like me do you like the podcast do you like did you like blocks on netflix and three mics on netflix come see me on my new tour. Brand new Neil coming to Madison, Nashville, Salt Lake City, San Diego, Washington, D.C., Baltimore, Atlanta, New Orleans. Thought it was going to be New York.

New York's coming. Austin, Houston, Dallas, New York. Told you it was coming. Philly, Boston, Los Angeles, figured it would be Angeles. Los Angeles, Denver, Phoenix, San Francisco, Seattle, Portland, Chicago, Minneapolis, Vancouver, Toronto. If you have a good airport, I'm coming to your city. So come fuck with me.

It's a good hour and it's called brand new neil go to neilbrennan.com for tickets please cure my clinical depression actually it's not bad right now thanks to you all right so one of your blocks was i think I think, it's a roundabout way, but I'm trying to keep us on track. What's that, sensitivity? Well, the sensitivity. I'm so sensitive. Segura's actually had, we actually had a fight about it tonight in the car.

Well, the first block was that you don't like when girls like other men. Like when you see how, like Peter, you see how a woman reacts to a real, and guys like you and I got to earn it. We'll make that the first block. Yeah. Second block, we want to go sensitivity oh i had a conversation with tom on the phone tonight on driving here going i feel like he knows me so well he knows how sensitive i am i get i get my feelings hurt very easily and i just have to pretend i doesn't happen and then deal with it because no one wants a thin skin comedian

but like I'm very sensitive and so I'm more sensitive that I hurt your feelings than I am about you hurting mine because I don't listen a lot. So if people say things to me all the time, I just go right past me. But like with Tom specifically, he's very direct

and he didn't have a problem with confrontation. So he didn't have a problem saying dot, dot, dot, dot. I was pulling on the one-on-one. Peter was in the car and I was like, I was like,

I gotta be honest with you. This is how I'm feeling right now. I feel like this is happening right now. And he was like, buddy, that's not, and it's, I can hear the exhaustion in his voice.

He's like, that's not what's happening. That's not what's happening. You said that we were going to do this. You never replied to anyone's texts and now we're trying to schedule it and i was like i know but you know here's how i feel because that's a big partnership what's the difference between your partnership with him versus leanne oh my god this is a good example. Tom and I hate the same people. Leanne and I hate different people. So, like, I can't trash talk anyone with Leanne because she and I dislike different people.

Tom and I dislike the exact same people. So we can trash talk people. And sometimes it's, like, that's the interesting part. So, like, with Leanne, I'll have to say, hey, I'm going to talk to you about, like, I was going to say a real fucking name here. But, like, I'm going to talk to you about Ari. Right. Okay, that's a real name.

I'm upset with Ari about something. I need you to do not attack him right now because then I'm going to start defending Ari. Yeah. So, please just let me shit on what Ari just did to me or whatever. And it's not the drugging thing, but it's like, let me shit on what ari just did to me or whatever and it's not the drugging thing but it's like let me talk to you about what ari did and then just don't defend him but don't just listen yeah and then inevitably lan will be like fuck ari and i'm like now that's an interesting thing that i've learned which is you can't shit talk certain people like if you have if you're working with people yeah you can't shit talk other people

you're working with uh-uh no because then they feel like they can shit talk them or they like barry katz barry katz a perfect example barry katz is a is a former man is a manager who managed you managed me managed you right no he have it barry actually said i was positive you weren't gonna make it so pretty good barry katz when i worked at barry katz he was a very frustrating manager at the time barry had a lot of clients and you would feel like you weren't being paid attention to how great would it be right now if barry heard this he was like what i'm sure he i'm sure he's like wait someone will tell him to listen people thought that they heard you on bert's podcast man i get a text from him i love barry i love but he gave me some of the best advice i ever had in my

career but there was obviously i'm not with him so there were negatives and so i would say to leanne i'd go like hey i'm i'm i'm so fucking pissed at barry and then she just go yeah fuck him and i'll be like, hold on. Don't do that. Yeah. Because I started it. Let me shit on him. I wouldn't mind you defending him a little bit so that you could talk me out of it.

Right. She's like, yeah. He doesn't pay attention to you at all. Fuck him. He only got one pony, boy. It's Dane Cook. He's got one pony. And then I'd be like, this isn't helping.

This isn't why I started the conversation. And so then you're sitting I can tell you where this conversation happened. On the corner of San Vicente and La Cienega. And I'm just sitting in the fucking car going, stop. I'm trying to shit on Barry right now. Let me shit on him. Well, usually I feel like men do that to women.

It's like fixing the problem. Oh, yeah. Well, Leanne's like fixing the problem oh yeah well leanne's like the man in our relationship i think i'm getting that she buys the houses she spends money i have no idea how much money we have we talked about this i think i have no idea how much money we have i have no idea uh about anything if she dies i don't have the logins to our bank codes and i don't couldn't even get money putin set russia up like that against our bank codes and i don't couldn't even get money putin set russia up like that apparently he like has no one knows how to no one he has all the combos that's fucking hilarious uh so you're sensitive but you like getting roasted you like no no no no oh you don't so i don't i

don't mind it if if i know you love me. Right. My thing is like, if you're going to shit, like the joke I have in the special about the party where Chris fucking hits me with a clean shot, Chris Rock hits me with a clean shot to the kidneys. And I literally, and then I come back, I have a clean shot at him. And then I say like, by the way,

great joke. Yeah. Like it's in some ways it's a privilege. One of the fun parts about being a comedian is the funniest people on earth know you yeah and can just text you some eviscerating shit and it's like oh this is great it's better than just like a sloppy bad joke about me sometimes the thing that hurts my feelings is the guy that doesn't know me or something. Yeah, no, that's always the one where it's like, wait, I don't, guy, this is not your

fight. Like, I don't, I don't even know you. Those things will hurt my feelings. I'll read things weird that'll hurt my feelings. Like I'll read, I'll misread what someone says. Yeah, that happens. Or the tone of it. And I'll go, whoa.

What's interesting is hurts your feelings. Then you reread it you see what they meant yeah your feelings are still a little hurt it's like a human weird thing where like you can't you get dented and the dent just doesn't repair itself yeah what have you done to try to overcome it it's an interesting question Number one I Tried to regress and allow things Not give power to things that would hurt my feelings

Okay, so like I would I wouldn't put power in a lot of people's opinions if they were positive to me So why would I put power into them if they're negative to me? like I Do it on the bus. Like, I'll go, I'll post a video and I'll go, hey, no one reads comments. Like, no one reads comments. I don't want to know comments. Yep.

Like, I don't need to know comments. I look at views and likes, or views and really comments. I look at the number of comments. Like, if there's 1,200 comments, I go, okay, people are, either they're fighting in there or whatever, but it's not worth it to me. If I get over a million views on a video, I'm like, it's a good video on Instagram. Yeah. So that's all I look at is the views.

I click the insights, and I look at the views and the number of comments. Every now and then I'll jump on to the first five because they're always going to be positive, and I'll like a couple. But I was like, i shouldn't allow because i don't really care about that person's view of the video or oh you're promoting too much or or right some of those things i go yeah the only person saying that is a guy that's never come to my show this video was not meant for you ever yeah it's also they don't understand like you'll promote your show in tallahassee 10 times, do the show,

and then the day after someone will say, when are you coming to Tallahassee? And it's like dickhead. I posted about it endlessly. So when I did Red Rocks the first time, it was a bigger venue than I ever thought I could do. It was 10,000 seats. I was supposed to do Jim Jeffries.

He backed out at the last minute. He was having a baby. And so they were like, hey, we saw the venue open. Do you want to do it by yourself or someone else? And I was like, I'll just do it by it by myself and they're like it's a big venue my agents were like i think you can sell it but it's going to take some work and i worked very hard on selling that venue i did a lot of promotion and a lot of comics hit me up privately and they're like dude another fucking promo for red rocks and you're like i don't really give up like

in my head i was like i don't give a fuck about i definitely don't give a fuck about what you think about how much i'm promoting so i know what tickets you sell and it's not 10 000 so yeah your note is obsolete to me like i that's fucking that flew i i'm definitely not listening to you like i'm the one leading this chart and then all of a sudden it was like this shift of like so wait if they're noticing i'm posting a lot then maybe that's showing up on everyone's radar that to someone like red rocks like i thought about wilco i love wilco if you told me what goes coming to the wiltern and i saw it i'd be like oh fuck yeah i gotta get tickets but i'll forget and then you literally have to even people want to see you have to tell them for the next time i see it i go oh shit i forgot they were coming i gotta get never yeah as a fan of wilco will i ever go like

dude enough that energy is not a wilco fan that's a guy wanting to hate shit. And so I went, oh, you're dead to me. I almost wish I could block you from my comments and following me because your energy is shitty. It's bad energy, yeah. And when I went to do, I did Wilco, I sold out. The first time I did Wilco, I sold it out. Red Rocks, you mean? Red, or first time I did Red Rocks, I sold it out.

Clean, sold out second time clean, but sold out the first time clean. Almost like week up. Clean meaning like sold out before time clean but sold out the first time clean almost like clean meaning like like sold out before yeah no tickets available uh week up probably probably how long were they on sale uh wow a while that's all right like seven months like i'm guessing i put them on sale in serbia and probably sold out sold out in probably right before like two weeks before the show i'm guessing week of two weeks right around that area but close to the buzzer yeah sell it out clean you get a piece of the

rock you get like a little statue but what was fascinating to me is that when i went through evergreen and when i went through boulder i took georgia to go look at boulder i went through colorado state took georgia to colorado state right Not one person that recognized me said, hey man, what are you doing in Colorado? Everyone, everyone said, how was Red Rocks? And I went, that's marketing done right. That is the key. You're an excellent marketer. I'm not an excellent marketer.

I think I just got, I didn't mind, I got to a place where I didn't mind failing. So I was like, fuck it. I don't mind failing and figuring it out. But you make big announcement videos. Like you do shit. You do shit that helps. Can I pat myself on the back?

Yeah. So we had a cruise, right? I put a cruise on announce. And I had a bunch of big names for the announce that were attached. They're all my friends. And at the last minute, three of them backed out. They were like, hey, we can't do it. Big names that if you attach them to anything, it sells out immediately and and i still have three big names whitney mark and miss

pat but three other big names and it's a no-brainer yeah and i was bummed but also i've said no to people on projects so and all of them were fucking gangsters and texted me privately yeah i reached out to schultz who's like one of my first offers. He texted me privately. I'm going to have to politely pass. I can't do it. I appreciate the offer. But we sold out. But I shot a big promo, got a crew, went down to the cruise ship, shot a promo, shot a sizzle, shot everything,

sold it out in three days. Sold it out day of, like weekend of general on sale. And it was unheard of for me. I don't think don't think six man ever thought that was gonna happen for me but that's when you start going like yeah you just gotta take you just gotta keep swinging just gotta turn on the camera and just be willing to fail a bunch because a couple are gonna hit and then a couple are gonna be like oh that was fucking good no one remembers the bullshit video I did that no one fucking saw. They remember the ones that were like, oh, that was good. Oh, yeah, you did that?

I haven't seen that. All right, so sensitivity. So have you tried, you made a concerted effort to not look at comments. What about within your life? Have you, like, so you say something to Tom, like, hey, this is what's happening. Yeah. Did you used to just sulk? Would you shut down for a long time?

And what made you – how did you stop? I would shut down. I'd let it build up. And then it would just come out. In like a week later in a different argument or – We never really argue. Like to this day, we don't argue. We just – if anything anything we'll have like a

we mean you and tom and tom yeah definitely if anything we'll have a conversation where the and this has only happened a few times where the level of our voices is just a titch higher yeah like bro bro yeah like that it's never like dude what the fuck yeah it's like hey buddy and it's a lot of times a lot of times it's me getting sensitive. Like a big one. I'll tell you a big one. He had a guy on Two Bears that I wasn't friends with. I forget who it was.

Maybe it wasn't that I wasn't friends with him. It was that I didn't know him maybe. And I was like, hey, man, you got to run these by me. And he was like, I'm just trying to make a show, man. And I was like, no, I know, but I kind of want approval. And he was like, okay, I didn't know that would bother you. And I was like, yeah. I want to say it was Ari only because that's the safest place for me

to fall is Ari sometimes. But it was someone that I felt didn't like me and was shitting on me like but it wasn't ari because you're friends with art yeah but yeah but no but but it wasn't ari because i had ari on ari was my guest right no but it was somebody maybe you don't somebody but if somebody and it wasn't spade by the way because spade called me he was like hey man i feel bad i shit all over you i was like i was like no that's that's a compliment but it was like it was like weird so like and then i told him that and then

one day i'll go ahead and guess in the comments yeah that'll be fun but uh and then one day i had someone on and he was like he was like hey i thought we were running these by each other and i was like uh yeah oh yeah i don't yeah i can see how you didn't do that to me i know why i didn't do it to you and he was like well i'm just saying like you know i know that guy you know that we have history and i was like yeah yeah i can totally see how that would bother you i'm sorry i didn't do that at all yeah and by the way that was not who you think it is it was just a weird booking is anyway that they you weren't just doing elon musk voice that's who i thought it was yeah we should be uh okay so you've just realized that about yourself yeah and as you've gotten older you've just tried to get less and less or you've

sort of handled it in in-house with yourself like you're not allowed that's this is beyond the realm of like feasibility in terms of the thing to get upset about or you've gotten better expressing it uh i have not gotten better expressing it i just know things that are like like we relaunched something's burning which was very personal and private to me is that it would be successful like i told everyone i don't want another numbers don't judge it by the numbers if you thought it was funny and you liked it then we put it up and it's good and people find it. Yeah. Don't fucking. And the Mark Norman, Bobby Lee woman's the one we started with. And the first day everyone's like, uh,

Hey, big guy, 40,000 downloads. And I was like, guys, stop. Don't do that. Don't do that because it doesn't matter.

Like some of the best podcasts I've ever done for Burkast. I have 27,000 views. And some of the ones that I, I think are garbage have millions of views. And you're like, like that, that's not the thing. Yeah.

It's not the thing that, so it's about like insulating yourself a little bit yeah that's but that's good it's we're all too exposed yeah as human beings we're too exposed like i shouldn't know what a stranger thinks about me you should not and and and i won't take the compliment serious if you pay i agree it's common just bounce right off yeah and you're like oh great cool i mean there's a few compliments that i take that i go every once in a while you get a hot one but uh all right let's look at i've got death it's inevitable yeah like it's inevitable it's hard to fathom isn't it it's hard to accept and you're gonna have to one day you're gonna hard to accept. And you're going to have to.

One day you're going to have to. My mom said something to me one time that like freaked me out. And your mom's a person of faith. My mom's 88. Really? 89 as of like a week ago. She said this a while ago. She was like, I'm ready.

And I was just like. Yeah, but your mom believes in God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've even fucked around with like. Do you not believe in God? Or you do, but until the chips are, and then you're like, fuck.

I don't, when you're upset about death. Well, we'll find out on my deathbed if I'm at peace with it. I mean, I think about it like I can't go to the, like when I go to the doctor, I freak out thinking I'll get bad news. That's what most people are the most people die is they don't go to the doctor because they're afraid of getting bad news the bad news is inevitable it's coming yeah no it's kind of whether you whether you feel it or whether a guy says it to you yeah and i wake up every morning not now i've been healthier since sober october i've i've my drinking has cut back drastically like i mean i think i've drank maybe nine times since the beginning of october which is a lot to not drink for me but

i think about it when i wake up when i wake up there was a period i remember when it started and i was like oh you're fucking up man like you're fucking up you're not being healthy like this is all bad stuff for you and i think about it that's why i work out every day it's why i do you do it do you want to live because you're afraid of death or you want to live for like land and the kids it's it's fomo it's fucking the fact that i just can't be yeah you don't want you don't want people to go on without you yeah i don't like that you know what's funny that's an unheralded issue yeah they're like no we're that's why i went like the rapture great we're all dying i'm very cool with the rapture let's go i heard a story about this

little girl in nagasaki and it was on this history podcast i listened to so they picked two places to drop bombs based on weather they kept trying to bomb this one place, but based on weather, they picked Hiroshima and Nagasaki. But they missed the target in Nagasaki. And also there were a shitload of Japanese people there. That was the other reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So they missed the target in Nagasaki by like seven miles.

There was this little girl. It's not funny. There's this little girl who the bomb hit, and she went to the back of the room and then got thrown against the wall, woke up, and the world was gone. Like the world was gone, and it was just her. She didn't know. She was dying very soon.

They said she felt like knives were going in her skin and eyes and her mouth, and it was just her and she didn't know she was dying very soon like she said they said she felt like knives and were going in her skin and eyes and her mouth and it was all there was all the nuclear fallout but the world was gone she woke up got thrown got knocked unconscious in the back of her school and got up and there was no landscape like it was just like and i kind of felt envious of her that i was like oh shit so i did it it's just me out here like i'm the last one motherfuckers you want to be the last one yes fuck yes it's a lot of fomo though oh no then i'd be like all right now i die with everyone else okay everyone else died oh you just want to you want everyone to die you just want to go I want to go with everyone that's my

biggest fear is like I'm going to die and then everyone's going to be like oh my god can I tell you how jealous I'm going to be of my family that goes they're all in my deathbed right and everyone's there and I'm taking my last breath and then someone says he's gone

it's really sad she opened a bottle of whiskey and someone goes fuck you i'm gonna cry pete will you open that bottle of wine real quick that i'm i know you're fucked up because that moment that's what life's about is the fucking, I'm gone. My daughters, my wife, my friends, people are there. And then they go and celebrate my life, but I can't be there. It's so fucked up. They would go and have a drink and they'd go, how great was dad? And they didn't say that to my face, right? Get any of those compliments?

Yeah. Like it would be, like I think about, I think about it was time to sex with Liam one time and I looked in her eyes and I thought, I'm so glad that these are the eyes i'll see when i die and not like some young fucking yoga trainer who goes perfect ass let's really get into it yeah part like beautiful head of blonde hair uh no wrinkles on her face doesn't need a bra doesn't need a bra loose fitting shirt no a bra. Loose-fitting shirt. No bra. Leaning over.

And I'm leaning in the bed. We don't want. This is what we don't want. This is what we don't want. We want Leanne. You got the lollipop with the sponge on it. So that's how they feed you water. You dip it in and then you.

Uh-huh. Right? And then she's looking at me and she's like, honey, I love you. She's got a redneck accent too. Yeah, they all do. She's like, I love you. I love you so much. And I watch her look at her watch and i go what are you doing she goes i'm just saying i got yoga class in an hour and i wondered do you think i can go to that and then

come back real quick because leanne would never do that man's gonna be my age too she's gonna old lady eyes and she's gonna be like give me some of that lollipop water lady eyes and she's gonna be like give me some of that lollipop water and then she's gonna look at me and she's like don't go birdie boy and i'll go i don't want to go leah she's like i need you my life's over when you gone you want someone to end their life when you end your life yeah yeah you want the you want everyone like it's over yeah i don't want it to go on without me i don't and i it's funny because i i have two thoughts about it which is like it's incredibly like narcissistic or arrogant yeah but like narcissistic i'm a soft narcissist like i'm i don't affect your life but i think about everything for me yeah yeah that's about right yeah and uh i i got i just got popped

with a covert narcissism charge last week. COVID narcissism? Covert. Oh. Alan Covert? That's Rogan's COVID narcissist. Covert. Like, I'm subtly narcissistic, but whatever.

It's an interesting diagnosis, and I think he's right. I think narcissism runs pretty thick in our profession. Yes. But it's okay to be a little, as long as it doesn't affect other people. We're all here because of it. Just hide it if you can. I got soft narcissism. Like, I think about me first.

Like, I never had a problem, like, just come on in, Pete. Yeah. Let everyone see what you look like. Pete, have a seat, Pete. Yeah. Let's see what you look like, Pete. Because you're not going to get, have a seat just so people can see what you're looking like the problem is he dresses like a homeless guy not really

it's a good look he owns this and all my merch for my shoes oh this is that's those are his outfits these are his this is pete dressed up night. Anything from Buffalo, man. Buffalo ruins people. Pete, thank you. Thank you, Pete. Okay, so the death thing, fascinating. And that's what I never had any of that anxiety. I think that's a quietly shared thing. Yeah. I wonder if I'm going to die before Leanne.

I wonder if I'll die before Segura. I wonder who's going to die first. And what's crazy is this is gonna sound crazy but like i don't rejoice in people getting cancer and there are people that's crazy that rejoice in it there are people that rejoice in it they get excited to tell you bad news about someone else at comics it's it's super thick in comics i've said this on the bus. I say this out loud. Comics love cancel culture. They love it. Oh, absolutely.

It's the greatest thing that ever happened in comedy is when you heard about so-and-so getting in trouble. The comics. Chris Hardwick. Remember Chris Hardwick broke up with his chick or whatever happened to him? And he broke up with his chick and he just didn't do it cool? Yeah.

And by the way, I know that woman's dad is a very nice, sweet woman. And her dad's fucking a gangster. But my phone blew up that morning. I can tell you. I was doing radio. Yeah, it was just people that lost on At Midnight. They were happy that Hardwick got. Even if they didn't agree with the girl

they were still a little excited aziz when people did that to aziz i remember reading it and going like like it got it dude fuck aziz did you see this yeah it blew up within the comedy scene especially in la yep it was all over the place my text blew up and i read it and i remember going like i gave it to Leanne. I was like, can you read this? I'm missing. Like, I'm not good at reading. Like, I'm just not good at comprehensive.

Like, I tap out. And Leanne read it and was like, well, shit. This ain't nothing but a bad date. And I was like, huh? She goes, shit, I have. Leanne spits inside, right? She spits indoors. She spits in her hand and what's

in her pocket yeah cynicism uh i fight myself with cynicism okay i don't know if it's my natural instinct i i am a cynic by nature as a comic i think we all are naturally cynics but i fight my cynicism because i don't want to be that guy i'm trying to think of a great example of like a time where you go oh fuck that like i'm too smart for the room i know what's going on here hypothetically i'm not saying any names but say there's like a internet star who's giving away cars to homeless people and giving homeless people ten thousand dollars and going to homeless people and saying here's pieces for a year i know where you're going and then and then i go something's off what did he do and then everyone goes he's a great guy and i go hold on he's not a great guy there's something

happening here this is cynicism this is cynicism right yeah okay yeah this is cyn. It's almost always right. Is the problem. I always say whenever someone's harping about morality, they're covering something up. There was this second generation of Me Too that happened within our circle of friends. And I watched some people come out against people so aggressively, vocally. Yeah. That I went, what did you do wait a minute like yeah the guys that there was a bunch of guys who were like i'm a woman's right and you're like and then a month later there'd be a wave about them being moral is like owning a

restaurant there's like a three percent margin yeah of doing the right thing and if someone's harping on i literally used to argue with dave about bill cosby i knew it was an asshole in 1992 yeah and i'd be like he's not a good guy and he'd be like man i'm telling you and i was like i'm telling you he's not a good guy by the way i never thought he was a good guy just from like i the stories you heard about him this is before i was a doorman at the comedy club i just read it yeah i heard heard stories from comics that worked on his show. The second Cosby show or whatever. And they'd be like, oh, he's a dick.

I was like, of course he is. If you're hectoring people you wouldn't it's your body or the soul has to do it. I feel like I'm wise enough to know. Priests are the best example.

You know what I mean? I'm wise enough to know. Priests are the best example. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I know where you got it. I think I know where you got it. I'm so hyper aware, and I don't know if it's my dad raised me to, like, second guess myself, but I'm so hyper aware to take a look inside before I say anything outside where I go, which isn't healthy. There was a guy that had a post today and

and that i was looking on twitter and it was funny and i wanted to say something to kind of like snap him you know and then i was like i don't do that man yeah like there's no reason to put your hat in the in a snap yeah just where you're like what's your life like if you don't say this yeah exactly the same okay you ready yeah here we go. Here we go. This is perfect. And I'm putting myself on the chopping block. I get it. But what I want to say is I get that you don't want to feel this way, but you've been proven wrong. Or you've been proven right too many times.

So Anthony Bourdain. Yes. He was like my idol because I was over at Travel Channel when he was at Travel Channel, and he was the god over there. And all you wanted to do was get some FaceTime with Anthony Bourdain, which I never got. Maybe that registers on why I did this. he posted a picture of him in front of a private jet one time and i was livid i was fucking that's not my guy that's not you're not my lost a

fan you lost a fan did you write it yeah i wrote it and And people immediately sent pictures of me standing in front of a private jet that I had been on. And I went, motherfucker. Yeah. Like, what the fuck? And then I took it down. I'm sure people screen grabbed it. But I was like, and then I was like, I want to reach out to Anthony Bourdain. I'm pretty sure that's why he killed himself.

But like the. Yeah, no, that's the document. The last third of the documentary is just about your just about my point yeah yeah but like but like that that part of my personality where you go like yeah that's gross why did i do that because i love anthony bernain and it's really cool to be on a private jet and if you're on one and you're not paying for it you're definitely taking a fucking picture you're like this doesn't happen often i'm with the great white shark it's like meaning chapelle i would i've never asked for a comedian a picture with any comedian uh ever i'd probably

ask for one with chappelle i probably i'd probably be like hey can we get a picture you know but like i would definitely then here's a cute story like that me and dave and we were in vegas and will smith was there this is five years ago and q-tip and we're all just hanging out talking and uh we talked for an hour and then i'm like we should get a picture and literally everyone was like yeah yeah every literally will dave come on that's real name me like i just started it but they all wanted it doesn't that doesn't go away oh yeah that's i'll be the one that will do that and i'll throw my a nice thing they didn't i said let you guys get one without me and they wouldn't do it good guys i

would do that you would get one without me i would no i'd no i'd be like i've seen i've seen them where they uh photoshopped the person out yeah yeah and you see an arm that's so fun it's a white arm uh really stands out all right So hopefully people will watch it. Letterman brought you up. And I said. I'm going to tell you everything that happened on my end. I'll start with my end because my end is a good prelude to your end. Okay.

I'm getting ready to shoot my special. I'm super OCD about when I get. When pressure's on, I start making bets with myself and rules with myself. And just to. I don't know. It's a way to, I guess, cope with the stress. I'm not really sure. I need to find a penny. I need to roll sixes.

And a lot of times I'll do little things in my head. So we're going out to lunch. Leanne doesn't have a coat that she likes. And she is complaining about her coat. So I was like, we'll get you a new coat. And I'm feeling sick at the time my throat's hurting and i go i go man i would love if this restaurant has chicken noodle soup and uh and i was like all right if they have chicken noodle soup i'll have great taping if they don't have chicken noodle soup then i won't have great taping was this the

day of your taping yeah it was more the afternoon this is my brain and so the lady comes up right next to my head and she goes what are you gonna have and i said what's the soup of the day and she whispered chicken noodle soup and i fucking started laughing hysterically and everyone's like what's so funny i go nothing nothing nothing so now in my head i go that doesn't mean for sure but that means we're in the right direction so i go to get leanna coat and i put on a ridiculous coat uh i ended up buying it i put it on my twitter i put on a ridiculous quote i'm feeling good i'm feeling good and as i put it on i go leanne what do you think and i get a text from you check your messages and so i go to check my messages i hit play and it's a message from david letterman

hey bert i'm sitting here with neil brendan it's d message from David Letterman. Hey Bert, I'm sitting here with Neil Brennan. It's Dave Letterman. I just want you to know that I'm really happy. I'm really excited about two things. Number one, that you think that you couldn't not perform with a shirt on. I think that's so interesting. And secondly, that you made dot, dot, dot amount of money last year. Congrats on all the success dave letterman i'm wearing this jacket i'm getting ready to shoot my special that night i'm with my wife and i go i'm buying this fucking jacket this is the jacket i listened to that david letterman this is the greatest email and so then i go there to that taping joanna's there i tell joanna i'm

fucking having a great day how you doing today i'm having a great all that energy moves you to have a great show so that energy that's so great energy that voicemail couldn't have come in a better time in my life it's a little it's like a little all right so here's what led up to that there's a guy named burt kreischer yeah i know that's all i need to see he's gonna be so excited that you know who he is and i he came to my attention a couple of years ago because he's not wearing a shirt. And then I thought, oh, I must have come in halfway through the show and he auctioned his shirt off or something. But now, subsequently, he's always without a shirt. And I've asked people who should know, what's that all about?

He's like a party. He likes he's the literally the life of the party. He's like, he loves, it's remember like Spuds McKenzie. He's like Spuds McKenzie. That's a huge compliment. Do you want to leave a message for him?

Yeah. Oh, this is fucking great. Hi Bert, it's Neil Brennan and Dave Letterman. And we're talking about you and the fact you don't wear a shirt. And I was delighted and pleased to know two things. One, that you think without the shirt or without the shirt, people wouldn't like you.

The best message I've ever gotten in my life. And also, last year on the road, you made $25 million. And Johnny Depp called me. So all my best and congratulations. That's fucking great you know that's an interesting that's an interesting question is because you know when i did a few things that i i definitely i would get critiques from comics about like the first thing was taking my shirt off no one cared when I wasn't.

Like, no one gave a shit ever. They just thought it was funny at first. And then when Secret Time did well, that was the first time that I heard someone say, so, like, is that your thing? And I was like, and in my head I was like, well, yeah. First of all, I did it organically in real life. I did it organically when I did.'s why i did stand up and then it and then it was i got identified by it well the machine story went viral and when the machine story went viral everyone knew me as a shirtless

guy so i go to the show i take my shirt off the crowd would go fucking nuts and i was like well yeah who doesn't want that immediate approval yeah it's funny the funniest was i remember sagura called me one time and he was like he was giggling to himself i said what are you laughing at this is the first thing he said to me he goes you're gonna be 65 taking your shirt off yeah fuck yeah i will he goes you do you have to do this for the rest of your life i go yeah i'm pretty sure like that's how it works like why would you like also i like it like i like it but like That's how it works. Why would you – also, I like it. I like it.

But that's how – I remember I did this thing called the Waitstaff Raffle where I would bring – I would pass buckets around. Everyone would chip in money, and then we would bring that money on stage. I'd throw in some money too, and we'd raffle off like $1,500 to one person in the Waitstaff. They'd pull a name out of the bucket. Someone would get $1,500. They'd come on stage.

They'd cry. They'd tell their story. And then they walked away with great money. And I remember comics got pissed that I did it. They're like, oh, real cool, dude. So now I look like an asshole when I go in there. And I was like, wait, I just can't just come up with something and just do it? And they're like, well, unless I can do it, can I do it too?

And I was like, wait, you just shit on it. Like, if you want to shit on it, shit on it. But if you want to do it, then just say, hey, Bert, can I do it too and I was like wait you just shit on it like if you want to shit on it shit on it but if you want to do it didn't just say hey Bert can I do that too same thing happened with the fucking drive-in movie tour uh theaters when I started doing drive-in movie theaters yeah I started doing drive-in movie theaters over the pandemic stay-at-home orders we checked locally you could have shows where everyone stayed socially distant open a drive-in movie theater we got an electronic dance promoter to set up driving shows and people shit on me friends of mine shit on me i thought it was great in the minute i said yep yeah and then and then you get the cool guys jim gaffigan brian regan the dudes

that like legit they were like hey man that's a great idea is it cool if i do that and you're like fuck yeah do it yeah do it that's i didn't come up with it to own it do it please do it and so then everyone started doing drive-in movie theaters and some people got shitty really shitty about it really shitty and i was like well okay the reason i said the letter room is because i'd heard you when you first but you were like am i gonna fucking have to like you were insecure about it and this goes back to my insecurities is like, what other people think of me was comics. It's like go to the store and I had a problem doing it at the store.

Right. Cause comics would be like, are you taking your fucking shirt off? Yeah. And then you'd be like, I mean, yeah. And they'd be like, can you not? And I'd be like, okay. And then I do it cause I'd want to, I, you know, it's like, I don't want to fucking make things difficult for a comic following me or something. I just, and then I was like, ah, maybe I'll just do it because i'd want to i you know it's like i don't want to fucking make things

difficult for a comic following me or something i just and then i was like ah maybe i'll just do it then you'd watch people just go like oh okay and then i'd be like they could tell i wasn't comfortable i would sweat on in a shirt um you got to the point where you were uncomfortable having i'm very uncomfortable with the shirt on like when i do all the time or it's very uncomfortable i'm very i'm mostly shirtless most of my life i have one one shirt i wear this is james purse this is the only shirt i ever wear it's the only shirt i ever go on stage on it's the only i mean that's if james purse has been looking for a marketing campaign you're fucking right the guy i will not wear the only shirt that I will wear is James Purse.

James Purse. Am I right, Peter? James Purse. It's the only shirt I wear on stage. It is the only shirt. I love this shirt. It's very comfortable. I have tactile issues.

It's not tight around the neck. It's very loose on your body. It's very thin. You don't sweat in it. I love this fucking shirt. I love. James Purse is a fucking gangster. He makes great goddamn t-shirts.

But yeah, my concern was like other comics being bothered by me taking my shirt off i was always like well i don't you know i'm still kind of new at the store in all honesty and i want to make sure everyone's happy and i don't i don't give a fuck you ever hear that thing uh 25 of people are gonna like you no matter what 25 of people will uh like you conditionally and 25 of people will dislike you initially and 25 of people will like dislike you no matter what i always thought that last 25 who i could fuck you wanted to fuck the last you literally have sex with them no i thought i could have i had a theory growing up that that last 25 you said was who wanted to have sex i knew first of all i knew

intuitively to ask the question because i knew you would have a theory about it i didn't think you would want to why because i my thought is like the fomo thing don't you you want to convert them always i would have been hanging from a cross in sao paulo over a waterfall going you guys didn't listen to me don't throw me off the waterfall you guys are natives let me explain the lord to you i fucking hardcore want to convert the ones that fucking i that probably builds into why i don't you know don't read into the fucking comments is that no no but it's the same you want to you want to like bend like come on you have why not like oh it's i remember hearing why not like shane or like uh mark norman or like new york comics would be like yeah people shit on burp taking his shirt off and then i always want to text them privately and go

who like tell me who because those because they're all my friends i'm friends with all the comics in new york like i would know them but i want to hear why and who like because ultimately ultimately the old idea of a hook right of like what is is that what uh tim dylan or not tim dylan god damn it cookie monster no still cookie monster yep is that the count i like tools tools. Oh, Tim Allen. Yeah, Tim Allen. Tim Dillon. What's the opposite of Tim Dillon? Tim Allen. Frogs are gay.

But the old school thing was have a hook. We used to make jokes about it. Tom and I would make catchphrases that we could say on stage that were mocking the idea of a catchphrase yeah but then in a weird way that fucking shirtless thing stuck and it was a good it was a good way to identify yourself yeah and by the way when i talk about some of this everyone knows the spanish-speaking special i saw this guy with crazy sunglasses you ever seen him yeah i did his podcast oh for real yeah like i that's why i'm like i can't believe because i tried watching it just after like i was

like i can't do the subtitles i do subtitles it's a great way to find out how the writing is yeah and so like i i watched one of them with the peace sign sunglasses and then all of a sudden i'm flipping through i see another crazy pair of sunglasses and i go i know that guy and i look at it again i didn't even think i just i just went like ali wong being pregnant it was a great i mean she's an amazing comic but it helps i mean it helps like here's another identifier yeah and so i don't think i'm in a rush to put my shirt on and i i the only thing i'm i'd love to get jacked and then people go please put a shirt on that would be great and i'd live forever but okay so i because i'd heard that so i don't want you to think like i was telling letterman like yeah he's fucking no but you definitely had you second

you've had second thoughts like fuck am i the shirt is this cheating is this yeah did you buy into like it's hacky i think if you're a comic and that's what you see and you don't see my stand-up then uh then you're not as good a comic as i am that's how i feel well yeah i would agree like i remember i remember having a comic on our bus one time and that person said i i was a parlor trick and and uh it's really interesting i remember that distinctly it was right when i first started my uh right when i began body shots world tour she was like you're a parlor trick and i was like i am she's like yeah you would be sure i have to tell one story it was a it was a comic it's a female obviously and she was like we all know who it was and i was sat there and i was curious and i said do you have

any bits that stand out like do you have anything that anyone recognizes for you and she's like no but anyone could do what you do and i said you mean a 13 minute story like i'd like it's so insane to me when people say shit like that where it's so rude yeah it's like astounding astounding in my own did that to me at a party one time like a woman did it to me at a party and it was i was so like taken aback by it i'm blown away by it she was so insulting to me and i and i i got it i was like no i get i get your vibe i get what you you think you do and i get what you think i do but i'm friends with your friends and they don't think that about me and i don't think that about me and and i was like until you prove me wrong

with your abilities then i'm not going to really listen to what you're saying and then that person reached out and asked if uh she could tour with me she was like i'd love to open for you and i was like most definitely not like i know what you think about me yeah you were drunk and you said what you thought about me yeah it's like you got by the way you could say the same shit about there's a lot of comics you could write off you could literally write every one up you could write like literally there's not a comedian in the world and i've heard them people insult themselves i've heard people get insult like yeah it's like look we we're not gonna we're not gonna all be chapeappelle. I've heard him discount it. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I've heard people discount Chappelle. I just look at them and go, you don't know what you're fucking talking about. Chris Rock one time was staying in a nice house, and I was there with some friends, and I was like, this is a nice place. He goes, all you got to do is have a good observation and just keep repeating it. It's like, yeah, if you want to shit on yourself, but that's not what you're – I mean, it's like –

Look, the whole thing is like Chris Rock is – I'm fucking genius. No, no, of course. Right, that's what I'm saying. But you can all whittle it down to something. Yeah, exactly. Like we – yes. I watch people do it to rogan they go oh so he just denies covet and then you're like that's not where he got where he is like like i go if you're not listening to his podcast i'm like no i heard the one where he said that you shouldn't take the facts i go then you're not listening to

anything you don't know what you're fucking talking about like you're whittling them down to the thing you want him to be so it makes you feel better about yourself you haven't listened to the hours upon hours of hours of podcasts where boss rootin talked about his buddy who bet he could put a cue ball in his mouth and they'd chip his teeth to get it out one of the fucking hardest i've ever laughed in my life eddie bravo the fucking things rogan has done on his podcast are maybe my favorite times i've ever had in a hotel room bed in a fucking airplane in a fucking on a treadmill is listening to that genius fucking podcast you can whittle everything down they've done it to you oh yeah yeah it's like

you do it to everyone i think it's just i think it's just uh i think everyone shows up to the right towards the end of life when they're about to die and they're like i guess neil bennett did create the chapelle show like eventually we all we can be reduced but but i would say i think it's i think it's actually a benefit when you can be reduced of course it's the easiest way for other people to sell you this yes it's like they have to put a synopsis of the movie hawaii right look you look you can sell look there's a lot of great islands bali yeah fucking uh uh uh fucking long long fiji all of the cook islands all the hamburger all those long island long island joke there's there's uh but when you sell hawaii it's so easy to sizzle it down hawaii is fucking awesome yeah have you been to maui have you been to honolulu they they cook their pork and leaves it the the the aloha uh sensibility is hello but you can

sizzle it down it's just so easy to sell yeah if you if i leave this earth and they go burke was the hawaii of comedy jack off on my face fuck yes i maybe that's not what my happy place but when do you want me to jack off on your face on my deathbed is i just want you to go in a cape my wife's over there she's like you ain't dying birdie boy is you my daughters are drinking whiskey. Daddy, I love you. Playing banjo. And then you come in in a cape. Flip the cape open in your naked.

And I go, ladies, I'll take it from here. And you play David Letterman's voicemail to me. What an ending. I may close with that. But if I don't close with that, the thing that's great about you're a life force that's the thing and the thing i said to letterman i go you're spuds mckenzie but you can write jokes and you're fucking funny and that's that's what i was saying it's like you're a life force you can't fake right it's like you can't fake it can't fake i mean you can't fake writing so it's

like you can't fake charisma you can't you have so many skills and thank you i don't feel like i have any of them sometimes when i show up at the store yeah but none of us do yeah i guess i mean i think there are guys that definitely show up with awesome right but you don't go you go i might i i think i have i might have something here i go i go i can cheat it with personality tonight i think that a lot i go tonight i'll cheat it with personality and see if i can find one joke and then sometimes you get a joke where you're like i you wake up you wake up the next morning you go did someone else write that like how did i get that that was so good and then you text everyone hey man has

anyone ever heard about the two cows fucking in the field thing and everyone's like nah that's you that's you and you're like shit that's going into special oh god i showed up at the store last night if you were going to tell people all the sort of blocks for like but what's the best thing you piece of advice you've gotten in terms of like changing or overcoming a quote-unquote block? Shout out to Barry Katz. You know, a lot of people said this to me. Barry was the first person that ever said it to me. And I thought of this today, oddly enough. I think about it a lot.

I bombed at an ICM showcase in like 99 or 2000, and I was panicked that i had ruined my name in the industry because i didn't do well and i'd always done well at every showcase and you're probably 28 and you feel ancient yeah i feel like i'm i've i just missed my time yeah and barry said to me papa i think you're overestimating how much people are thinking about you. And I said, what? And he goes, let me ask you a question. Who have you been thinking about today? And I said, me.

Obviously, Barry, I'm calling about me. And he goes, that's who they're thinking about themselves too. He goes, you need to relax and realize not one person is texting about your bomb they're talking about the people who succeeded so enjoy the rest of your day no one's talking about you and i think that is the one thing i think is that like when you can get worked up in in in your head about anything anything uh uh a negative comment you might see or someone passing on your pitch or anything. Even a bad podcast where you go on the podcast, you're like, that didn't come out right. No one that doesn't register with people. They just go, whatever.

They just ignore it. Yeah, they ignore it and they go, I don't think about that now. It just sucked. And then they just ignore it yeah they ignore it and they go i don't think about that now it just sucked and then they just keep moving and i think this pays both ways but the things that register with people and they get angry or the things that register people and they love you gotta those are the things that are important i think i gave such a fuck about like assuming what people thought when i was younger and probably up until, not even joking, 18 months ago, like until I got on tour for this show, I think the pandemic wasn't healthy for my brain. But that's the biggest takeaway is like you are thinking about yourself.

Everyone else is thinking about themselves. No one's thinking about you. No one. That's what makes trolls so potent is that they go i can't believe he's taught he's replied right yeah they're like he fucking i thought that guy was a movie star in the hollywood hills who was getting his dick sucked by models driving lamborghinis he fucking wrote back but the you know what's potent about trolls also is they are thinking about you. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they are. And, Bert, I also want to say that there's still that 25%.

Which 25? The fucking far end? You can fuck. I can convert them. Leanne was in that 25% people. Did you convert her? Oh, hardcore. I showed up, fucking ripped my shirt off.

We were at a bowling alley. Loud as fuck. She was like, who is that guy? Someone's like, oh, he's a comedian. She's like, oh. And then I didn't really talk to her. We kind of like, I flirted with her a little bit, but I was also all over the map. And then she was like, hey, at the end of the night,

this is my number, call me. And I was like, okay. And I was like, you're a whore. I'm not calling whores no that's how my brain works and then uh and then i'm not even gonna hook up with you i don't kiss worse yeah i'm such a prude and then she uh and then she called my roommate was like how come your roommate ain't no calling me or whatever and who done what who wait do you being serious that's you know do what now that's what they she will do what now and so uh and so i got on the phone with her she's like you know if you take me on a date i'll go and i was like okay but i'm just not there for

sex and she's like what and then we went on a date and i was i told her i was like but she she didn't like me at first i was just loud i i made a joke that her friend, I called her friend. It was a stand-up joke, like a joke joke. And we were bowling. And so I turned around and I go, I said, hey, does anyone's fingers taste weird? And her friend like tasted her finger. I was, oh, yeah. Like almonds, like salty.

We've all been fingering bowling balls all night. And her friend got upset. And Leanne defended her friend. Did you do the finger thing as a bit? Yeah. As a bit. You know what's fun to do when you're bowling? After your ninth frame, turn around and go, do your fingers taste weird?

And so I did it as like a joke. And her friend goes, yeah, like really salty. Like almonds, right? And I went, right? And so Leanne got got she found her friend and then next you know we're married for 18 years you love her can you believe i love her more than anyone's ever loved her in her life that bizarre by far uh by far by far did she is she from a bad past no but trust me like

what okay alright if you said it you know how much her dad loved her her uncle Clayton loved her this has been a great fucking podcast what were you going to say say it no it's a funny thing that

that's a guy like that is a guy thing to be like no one's ever loved you like this i fucking trust me there's no one is this all shit you talk about have you talked about this stuff on the on on two bears no i don't maybe i don't know all right great i don't even know i don't even know what i say sometimes i just say it because i feel like i know you in a slightly different way and people say shit to me that they don't say to other people no i don't even know what I say sometimes. I just say it. Because I feel like I know you in a slightly different way, and people say shit to me that they don't say to other people. No, I don't say it. Certain stuff with Tom, I think we try to go veer towards,

I don't fucking know. Here's the problem with me. I'm unaware of what I say when I say it, and I just say it. Because do you remember when uh this is a fucking such a stupid pivot I don't know why I'm doing it do you remember when everyone was like seeing pictures of people in blackface and I go and I go uh I can tell you there's never gonna find a picture of me in blackface because I don't like clowns so I don't like makeup on my face it's like I've never liked that it gives me OCD it fucks with my mouth like yeah I kind of didn't

do this the whole night and then also trying to be Doug Williams, you know? So like, so like, I don't like, I've had makeup on my face, but I can only do like, eye paint,

or like, dead presidents, you know? Like a loop around your eye. Yep. And then everyone's like, how can you say that? And I go,

I just, I just know myself. So the thing about, like Leanne is like, I just, She loves Blackface. That's the thing about her. It's from the South she loves blackface that's the thing about her it's the only way yeah yeah yeah that you do it i do it only so she can come yeah yeah it's her shoulders it's like your shoulders look huge

you blackface and then you throw a little blackface on and she fucking blast she squirts all over your face she doesn't squirt okay um look bart it was a great podcast you're a great i love you man yeah congrats on your special thank you it's fucking phenomenal it really is phenomenal thank you thank you very much you're a great thank you for doing two bears with us you were amazing yeah no it was great um who would you do something's burning with uh i would love to have you on something's burning yeah your energy is so our energy is really uh i mean i'm saying this but like i love our energy together it's like most casher i love most casher yeah i love his energy

it's it's a fun yeah it's a i like i love that so anyone you ever want to do about it something's burning with uh burt kreischer the hawaii of comedy yep there we go he made us wait for him we had to earn it it's for you david letterman i love you david letterman Bye.