Blocks w/ Neal Brennan - Jordan Jensen

Episode Date: June 25, 2026

Neal Brennan interviews Jordan Jensen ('Take Me With You' on Netflix, RIP w/ Jordan Jensen) about cancelling her last scheduled appearance at the last second, codependency, sex and love addiction, shapeshifting in relationships, chaos vs. calm, addiction, quitting coke, the biology of rage, status anxiety, living in reality vs. living in delusion, her standup comedy, telling the truth, self-sabotage and obsessing over fairness. Subscribe to Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop Watch 'Jordan Jensen: Take Me With You' on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81978275 00:00 Intro 00:45 Cancelling Her Last Scheduled Blocks Appearance 4:30 Codependency 19:07 Sponsor: Zocdoc 20:55 Sponsor: Tushy 23:40 Quitting Drinking & Coke 29:00 Sugar Addiction 34:30 What she's learned in recovery 37:45 Vulnerability 50:44 The Telepathy Tapes 53:54 Sponsor: Bubs Naturals 56:03 Sponsor: The Perfect Jean 58:14 Rage & Anti-Authority 1:10:14 Obsessed with Fairness 1:18:49 Status anxiety 1:22:00 Honesty 1:24:45 Her Goals Thanks to our sponsors! Visit https://www.Zocdoc.com/NEAL to book a top rated doctor today. Go to https://www.HelloTushy.com & use promo code NEAL for 10% off your first bidet order Visit https://www.BubsNaturals.com & use promo code NEAL for 20% off Bubs Naturals Go to https://www.ThePerfectJean.NYC/NEAL15 for 15% off plus free shipping. ---------------------------------------------------------- Follow Neal Brennan: https://www.instagram.com/nealbrennan https://twitter.com/nealbrennan https://www.tiktok.com/@mrnealbrennan Watch Neal Brennan: Crazy Good on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81728557 Watch Neal Brennan: Blocks on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81036234 Theme music by Electric Guest (unreleased). Edited by Will Hagle Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Guys, hi, it's me, Neil Brennan, and this is the Blocks podcast. It's also going to be another podcast, but don't worry about that. It'll be on RIP, the thing's behind you. You can look that up. She's a very funny person, very funny comedian. She's got a Netflix special called Take Me With You. Take Me With You, which I don't remember the, I'm assuming it's about your dad. Your Dad, Take Me With You?

No. No. Oh, what that means? Yeah. Men in general. Any, or humanity. We're going to get into it. She's touring now.

She tours all the time. My F stop is wide. Her F stop is wide. We had to do some levels. We had to check some levels. Her F stop. I told someone to open her F stop or close it actually. It's Jordan Jensen, guys.

Yeah. Okay, so Jordan, we'll do some housekeeping. I did your podcast, and we were supposed to do mine. You forgot. I didn't like it. I hurt my feelings for, we'll go of six weeks, which is pretty short for me. That's a short grudge for me. Six weeks.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe I mean I could go up to eight and down to four. Do you have paranoid personality disorder? I don't. I just you could say it's narcissism. You could say it's hypersensitivity. You could say it's ego. You could say or just like you know what it is?

It applies. One of her, let's just get right into the blocks. Look her up everywhere. We're not going to do the thing where we talk about people we know or whatever. One of her blocks, codependency. Yeah. Okay. I'm a severely codependent person.

So it doesn't seem like it. I seem very boundaryed because I used to not be. Okay. So now when I make an appointment with somebody, it's like, hey, my boundary says we have an appointment. Now, I will note I'm chronically late, but not that. I don't forget stuff. So when you violated my boundary of not, of forgetting, I get very much. because it's I find it so rude I get like blinded by it by how rude and disrespectful and just like the litany

wow miserable existence what a miserable miserable well what do you why do you think it would be miserable well there's human error you're not yeah yeah yeah but like scheduling we got apps well also you need to set a boundary that says if you cancel I will be super upset you don't think that's implicit not at all no everybody cancels podcasts everybody forgets them everybody cancel shows, everybody fucks up. If you said, I'm getting married and I want you to be there and I didn't go, I don't understand that because there's a pre-established boundary around that. But a podcast, getting mad about a podcast.

No, no, no. It's a mad. Yourself rapidly. I'm aging myself. Yeah, to get mad when everybody cancels a podcast and to hold on to six weeks of anger, you're just going to die early. We'll see. I hope a boy can dream.

Do you, so, yeah, I don't see, I don't think people should. I can't it wasn't it was just like literally 10 minutes before you were like I'm not I'm not even in New York Yeah, I wasn't yeah yeah like that's pretty rude. I don't think that's standard You don't think that's beyond a level you don't think that you think that's like acceptable Roodness or not even rudeness just like that's what happens I think it's yeah it's what I mean I've had you know people cancel me all the time it sucks it for sure sucks You don't what about scheduling do you not have like a like shit you have to do well probably since then i've kind of handed scheduling over to my manager

because i'm so bad at it yeah okay um yeah i guess podcasts are but then you do that because you do think it's important i think it's important not to fuck people over i get now that i mean i get irritated when people cancel i think i had the luxury of doing a podcast with ian so if people canceled it was just like kind of a relief yeah because it just meant we could hang out and not do the weird thing and then when I started RIP I was like oh fuck it really does fuck me when people cancel because it's just me and then I hit up my manager and I was like I'm missing shit left and right we just have to like stay on this but that time was a genuine complete yeah I get I just as an adult with things that I am sketch working

and TAN it's a bit like yo do you mind yeah yeah not like I you know I turned down I I turned down Saudi Arabia to do that podcast. Okay, to do, to be, to do the podcast with you. Okay, so, tell me about your codependency, because, because whatever I was doing probably out of New York was probably a codependent thing. You were seeing somebody at that point? I probably was, yeah, trying to manufacture some level of closeness

by going on a trip with somebody spontaneously. Tell, go. Yeah, I don't remember when that was, but yeah, it was probably something like that. I pretty much get high, entirely by my codependency. I think addiction is in there too because I'm a sex and love addict.

So, yeah, if, like, say I'm, like, in a fight with my partner, I'll just, like, miss an entire slew of shows just because it's the dominant thing in my life. What do you do? You're just, you set up, like, a war room of, of, like, what you're doing about this conflict? It's mostly, like, calling, like, ducking into things in Manhattan being like, please, pick up, please, pick up,

please talk to me. It's a little like that. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Those are real low lows. Yeah, I seem to be compiled of them. Low lows? Well, there's high highs and low lows, but there doesn't seem to be any middle ground.

Tell me about the high highs since we're here. The high highs would be like the love bombing phase, the sex phase, the right before the blowup phase, the after the blowup phase, the we got over it and now we're back together phase, all of that. Do you tell yourself stories about the other person? What do you mean? Do I make shit up? Well, no, not make shit up, but if it is a high high, or it's if it's a little low and then you get back together, what do you think? I mean, I always have the theory that like when people get back together, men pretend to be thoughtful for six weeks and women pretend to be sexual. And then it's such a good boy.

And then they just like fall off like, oh, then they everybody just reverts back to what they actually are. I think I was caught. I mean, my, the story that I have is, I mean, this is the whole like, I'm, I. I like went to school for philosophy and like whatever philosopher I was reading is what I believed. You know what I mean? Like this is why I get in so much trouble politically because like one day I'll talk to somebody who's on the one side of things and I'll be like 100% I've drank. Where do I sign? Yeah, totally. And then the next day and I do think that that's very helpful for comedy and it's very helpful for codependency because it means I can adapt to anybody's.

And it is like a childhood thing or my dad would be like, I think this. And I'd be like, yeah. And then my mom would be like this about your dad. And I'd be like, yeah, fuck that God. You know what I mean? So I learned to be very adaptive. And I think that I vacillate in relationships where I'll be like, this is the right thing for me because it's going to educate me on this and this and this about myself. And then I'll switch to a different one and I'll be like, this will educate me on this and this about myself.

And I'll just kind of bend myself into whatever position allows me to have my addiction met while also justifying it with a story. The addiction is just the action, the action of the relationship? Not being alone, yeah. Oh, right. Because the special, a lot of the jokes were like, I'm picturing you alone, fat, and in a t-shirt. Yeah. I don't even remember the specifics of it.

But I remember where I was when I listened to. I was watching it and then I walked. I was in Austin, I don't know when it was, whenever it came out, and it was like, I was just picturing a fat girl in an oversized t-shirt. Right, and if I'm alone, I'm wearing I'll revert. Yeah, which I don't ever when I'm alone.

It never gets back there. It's always good. So you like being alone, but you don't trust it? I like being alone because when I'm alone, every, all of my friends that I have completely neglected because of love addiction come out of the woodwork and all of a sudden I'm surrounded with actual unconditional love, which is what I truly want. Yeah. So I can fulfill the love addiction with my friends, which is a positive way to fill it, but

then the sex addiction comes into place and I get monopolized by that. When you think about the guys after it's over, are you mad at them? No. You realize like you were a fool? I'm like, I'm bad. Oh, okay. Bad choice or bad in your essence? Bad choice, bad in my essence. I think it's like I get a little disturbed by how long I was able to keep it up for sure.

I'm like, whoa, you really shape shift pretty hard there. You were shapeshifting to please them? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I shape-shift. And then I, yeah, it's like it becomes very like underdog. So I think I'm also addicted to that feeling of getting, getting broken up with or breaking up and then having this underdog like, you know, I like, will listen to hardcore a lot and walk around and be like, I'm a loner and nobody loves me. And I think I kind of get off on that feeling. So then the relationships I enter are inherently unsustainable.

because I'm kind of addicted to the being abandoned. You're trying to get back to the honeymoon, the man, you're trying to get back to you in the woods by yourself. Yeah, I'm trying to get back to just like there's mud on my face and I'm like, damn, I just got the shit kicked out of me. Like, that's how I feel the best, probably, or the most manic, which is the best. Have you had a good guy that you've fucked ruined? Yeah. Great. I had a sweet guy that, and I know you're watching this and I'm not referring to you.

I had a sweet guy a few guys ago that was, I mean, I love him. I'm still friends with him and he's the best. But yeah, I totally like sabotaged it by being a psycho. Was it boring? Were you bored? Is that why he did it? Or you just did it because you, that's what the machine does? I didn't respect him.

I didn't respect him at all. And I, it's like if I'm in a stable relationship where I'm getting my needs met, it doesn't matter if, like, the need that I need met. is somebody being like slightly superior to me in the way that they act towards me. And if I don't get that, I can't, I, I go crazy. So if they're like thoughtful and considerate and you're like, boo. If I become like the dominant force in their life and which is like what my childhood self wants is for somebody to be like, I'm totally committed to you.

But then my like intellectual self is like, you shouldn't be of this person. It's holding you back. They don't have anything of their own going on. You have to get out of this. You have to run. else they're going to make you stupid they're going to make you stupid yeah yeah yeah like if somebody doesn't have if somebody isn't elite to me then i'm worried but i feel like you're i bet you have a lot of different categories of eliteness yeah i mean there's one category that made the the the humor

category is the most elite to me like somebody you can be retarded and have dropped out i would i i'm picturing like physically like lumberjacks no fucking way no oh okay i mean the lumberjack is cool for sex and for validation but if if if the humor isn't there if there isn't an analytical humor thing I can't hang I get I get so aggressive and angry if they don't see it if somebody walks in and they don't recognize that that person is a fool and I go that person's a fool and they go don't be nice Jordan oh yeah but yeah he seems like a good guy I'm doing the other guy the guy you're not interested in if so no yeah exactly Jordan why you like that Jordan come on why you're negative yeah yeah if I get into a fight with a cab driver who's obviously being insane

and they're like you're mean to people who are you know insane you say in people that are insane and he yeah people that are having you had that before where you're like how do you not see the same reality that all day every day yeah right that I can't tolerate and it makes me belittle people until they're dust what's the meanest thing you've ever said to somebody in that situation what's the mean because it because it's it's easy I mean, the male-female dynamic generally is like, especially if you're a comedian, it's like, I'm a comedian, so I'm like walk around like fucking no, no.

Yeah. I know why. Let me explain to you what's wrong with everything. It's the best. And, oh. It's the best. It's a lifestyle. It's a, it's an ideal.

It's incredible. But it also means that the time, I mean, me and you are both similar in this way that when we have the spiritual connection of, like, interconnectedness and all of that, it's so. huge like it's so I don't know like the parallel between those things like in order for me to I think that we are smart people and we and we walk into the zone of just like oh shit I don't matter everything is connected there is this epic amount of freedom there's so much like beauty and stuff like that that it's almost like I balance it out by being like and everybody's a piece of shit and they don't know shit about shit I can't walk around permanently being like in awe and wonder in awe and also I think we both have an understanding that if I lived the exact life as the Uber driver that entire time or the taxi driver, I would end up that retard as well. I do know that. I'm very conscious of that. I don't, yeah, oh, the idea of like he's choosing this. It's like, no, this is just what I was born like and then either the world

affirmed it or I sort of couldn't. Yeah. The world tried to affirm it. I was like, it's not going to work. Yeah. But that makes you more critical. I mean, I don't think, I don't know if it makes you more critical, but it makes you more like honest with how you're feeling because you're not like contriving. The meanest thing I've said to somebody is you are manufacturing a narrative for yourself and for you to for you to enter the actual reality of what's going on would mean collapsing your entire persona. So you can't see reality. That's like the meanest thing I say and that's the thing that annoys me. That's pretty total. It's it's it's so fucked up. It's like it's like when somebody goes you've changed. It's like the meanest thing you could say.

to somebody you've changed but that's probably I don't like when somebody is like they're like I want to like for instance somebody goes I think I'm actually going to give up gossiping I'm like you don't know yourself you have no idea what's going on oh people turning over new leave is like don't I literally when people say I remember somebody lost weight and I was like and they're like and I go I'm unless you're actually doing this I'm not going to invest in this new you yeah because I don't want I know how this goes. Yeah. But I also think a lot of life and relationships is watching your loved ones try on all these different identities and fads and being like, I love you either way.

Yeah. And it is a funny, it's a funny, there's a Jerry Seinfeld had a joke about. Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify. Because the players are always changing, the team can move to another city. You're actually rooting for the clothes when you get right to. down to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and it's like, we're rooting for like, the body. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I like you, I like, I like who you, who I think you are and you, you're probably going to be that, even though right now you're born again or right now your, whatever the fuck you're trying. And again, and then I do it. I'm right now. I'm, and then you go, okay, you know what I'm doing? I'm, blah. cross-fair or whatever yeah it's all a fad and it's like i basically you're going to revert back to

and i'll love that somebody is turning that they're a guy who turns over a new leaf that's that's great and funny to me but it is like when it when that means that my way of existing is is wrong doesn't it doesn't work i mean like yesterday i did a podcast with my friend sid and with ean and they just were going in on me at how harsh they are ian was like you always make fun of me for bringing up my dead dad so much um and i was like yeah you bring up your dead dad too much and he was like that really hurts my feelings. And I was like, all right, I'll stop saying it. And he's like, but you believe it. And I was like, 100%. What is going on? And I can't, man, I can't alter my perception because somebody else is hurt by my idea, by my thoughts. And that really drives me crazy is when somebody is like,

I don't, the way that you're thinking is inherently not correct. I'm like, that doesn't make, then you have to remove yourself for me because you can't manufacture. You're not, I can't, I have this, you ever have this issue with your mom where you're like i know what you actually i again when someone's being supportive but when they go like yeah great and you can hear their real opinion in the notes of yeah great yeah totally and mom's a good and bad example but like just like ah so what do you you think you're going to essential you think you're going to change my essence based on a decision that you just made yeah and are going to are not you're going to stick with right right right yeah yeah yeah it's a bit too big and ask it's too big of an

it's not you're never you're barking up the wrong tray yeah that's that drives me nuts and also you the reason why you need me to change my thought process is because the inherent truth that i'm saying what's going on you don't want to be the truth yeah you know what i mean yes like with ian he's like i don't want to be i don't want to be the guy who brings up my dad too much and i'm like i can't change that by changing my mind yes and also I love you and I love you so much of course it's fun great but I'm saying like and bring up your dead dad however much really interesting yeah um so so yeah but like but yeah that's a very funny concept of like you think I'm gonna you know what I'm like you know what I think yeah yeah yeah yeah totally totally and I I you ever have a friend who changes and then they know you don't I've I've had a friend who was going into something that he knew I did didn't agree with. So I knew when he started, I just wasn't going to hear from him for a while. Yeah. And then enough time passed where he was like, I knew when he came back that it was over.

I mean, that happens, yeah, every single time with my friend Harry. Hi, Harry. He'll be like, I knew you went dark because you went back, you went back into some bullshit. Oh, right. You do it. Oh, yeah. You go like, well, I can't go to Harry because. Yeah. I mean, I'm trying to do better with it. I'm trying to like dissociate and then just say the reality that's going on being like yeah i'm doing this thing and i i know that you don't like it but i'm going to tell you that i'm doing it because i do think that the shame that i get from the buildup of not being honest destroys whatever the thing that i'm participating in whatever even if it's the friendship or if it's whatever it is you're a real double winner in that you're very analytical and have a lot of problems yeah it's a lot of problems

But you're like, hey, yeah, you know how you'll watch a commercial and they'll go like, ask your doctor if you're like, I don't have my doctor. Like, I don't, I don't go into doctor's office with any confidence whatsoever. I don't go like, yeah, he knows I'm common. I don't, they don't, it feels like going to the DMV most of the time. And then you how, you don't know how to switch, you know what's near you. What's, it just feels if for what they call forbidding. But you can, there is a better way, guys. And I didn't know what Zock Doc was until recently. And it turns out it's super helpful, super cool, and far more intuitive than whatever, however you're interacting with your health care, I promise you this is better. You can find basically just load in what you're looking for.

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I've ordered three Tushies in my day. I've installed, well, one of them I still haven't used, so that's, I have a lot to look forward to. there and you feel like a man you feel like you accomplish something it's but yet it takes eight minutes but you get the self-esteem like it took two hours you feel like a real you know cigarette smoking t-shirt wearing you know grabbing it's grabbing his junk type dad uh it's easy but it's but it's a little challenge it's not no it's not even i'm not even say it's challenging you'll say tell your girl it was challenging or tell your friends like oh yeah but it

wasn't hard and I just recently um disassembled one and moved every hello tushy bidet comes with a 30-day hassle-free return and a 12-month warranty here's the call to action buckle your face stop guessing you're clean start feeling it for a limited time our listeners get 10% off their first bidet order when you use code n-e-a-l at checkout that's 10% off your first bidet order at hello tushie H-E-L-O-T-U-S-H-Y.com with promo code Neal. You're a real double winner in that you're very analytical and have a lot of problems. Yeah. A lot of problems.

It's a lot of problems, but you're like, you like having them and you like sifting through them. I like sifting through them. And also, I am, there is a, there is the feeling of like, I'm, yeah, you go to therapy and they're like, just do this. And I'm like, we all, we both, we both know sitting here. I know what I'm supposed to do. Yeah, of course I know what I'm supposed to do. But there's no fucking way.

I'll do it for five minutes. For five minutes, I'll be like, okay, fine, I'll resist. But I'm gonna fucking do it. And like, I pick and choose the things that I, there, yeah, I mean, I think this is the no free will thing. But it is like the whole idea that I'm just, I'm going to all of a sudden be able to stand up and be like a different person. I can't.

It's not going to happen. And I don't want that to happen. But, and this speaks to addiction, you have changed. Yeah, I have changed. How you knew you weren't supposed to drink and do drugs. Yeah. How did you stop? I quit drinking because I'm like, drinking was just like, for me, a food addiction.

It wasn't like I was addicted to getting drunk. It was just consumption. And I was just like, okay, if I have to choose between food or alcohol, I'm going to choose food. And also drinking would make, because I run so slow, drinking would make me do coke. And then Coke was something that if I did, I just couldn't stop doing it. So I kind of, drinking was like, if I don't drink, I eat better, I feel better, and I don't do Coke. Quitting Coke was harder, but I think the way that I quit Coke was, I mean, I usually use comedy to threaten everything. Like I'm like if you do coke

Comedy will get will be in the compromise And that helps me quit But also I just ran it into the ground I mean I just ran it You did everything you could do You did you accomplished everything you I did all I did so much coke You know what I mean? And then I was like all right

I've done that I know exactly what that looks like And I was entertaining conversations With people that weren't intelligent on Coke And I was like oh shit I'm like Thinking these people are having interesting conversations and the Coke is telling me that I'm in interesting conversations and I have to stop doing that. I'm assuming I've done I've done Coke once I think I'd remember if I'd done it more right? You can have actually interesting conversations on it I'm assuming nobody can.

It's kind of not possible. So you and I people who like talking like talking to each other like basically the same themes couldn't do Coke and keep it interesting. No, we would do Coke and then it would get to a real real thing. like it first of all it takes you right to a narcissistic level it takes you to like this feeling of like everything i'm doing is elite so then we would just be talking at each other about how what we're doing is correct which there's no growth there that's like a stump you know what i mean there's no like self you're not there's no like it's not like mushrooms where you're like holy shit i have to change this or like holy shit this will lead to growth it just validates exactly where

you are so nothing grows it's just you talking to somebody and being like you Totally yes totally yes and it's that for however long the bag last and it's totally yes about whatever nonsense They mentioned whatever it is it's just like you affirm their nonsense. You'll throw another nonsense Yeah what flare up and yeah yeah yeah and it just and then it's six yeah six and then the next day it's gone You don't you don't go hey that was cool what we talked about that never happened no It's gone it's gone when the coke is gone that that that feeling is gone. It's like when you're on Molly and you're like in love with somebody and then the Molly wears off and you're like, Jesus. Yeah. It's not mushrooms in LSD, it lasts. Yeah. You can have

these giant realizations on LSD that last your entire life. But with Coke, it's just like, it's the next day you're like, well, how long do we talk about your relationship with your grandmother? So how long do you do it for? Did you like in years was? Well, it was one year. Oh, you only did it for a year? I mean, I was fine. And then I like went hard for like a year. because I was an intern I was in grad school and I was doing comedy and I was dating somebody so I just would do a bunch of coke and I could

like get through all of these things. You could have just said I was dating somebody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was dating somebody who did coke, yeah. Oh. Yeah. Okay, so and then you were like, oh, this is stupid. Then yeah, me and that guy split up so the Coke or maybe what was it? No, it was a day that I was just like, this is too much. It was getting weird.

I was getting, it was getting to the point where like I got pulled over and I was super fucked up on Coke. Or I got pulled over drunk because I was going to get Coke. It was just stuff like that where I was like, you know, when I was like losing contact with my friends who don't do Coke who I love. And then I went home one day and I was like, mom, I think I'm addicted to Coke. And she was like, how's that going for you, which is her classic line?

And I was like, it's bad. And saying I'm addicted to it got me to stop. Okay. That like you didn't need to go to a program or anything? No, I don't, I have never been to A. I go to SLA for Sex and Love Ice. But the addiction, the food addiction is the biggest one. I basically can't eat sugar because I'm a sugar addict because I ate it so much as a child.

So do you have to keep your eye on it all the time? Yeah, all the time. Yeah, it sucks ass. I mean, the thing is, is like I'm pretty good except for with sugar. Like, I'm not going to eat a bunch of fast food. But sugar, if it starts, if I have one, it's just like. Sugar's really, like, you can feel. feel because if I eat sugar, if I'm in like, I used to have a sugar day.

Every Sunday, I would do just pretty much all day based on the rock, what the rock would do. You ever see the rock? On the rock's Instagram every Sunday, it's like pancakes and just garbage. Oh, that's awesome. You should don't watch it. And so, but and then on Monday you're like, I need some sugar. But by Wednesday, you don't even think about it. You would, obviously.

Yeah. For me, it's like I have to cleanse it out. I have to do like a huge sugar cleanse. get it all out of my system. And I mean, my body craves it for like two weeks and then I can get it out and then I don't crave it. But it is like, it's also when I stop eating sugar, I start eating more food, like more food and then I don't want sugar. But if I'm eating sugar, I'm only eating sugar and I'm cutting all of these meals just so that I can have sugar. People are giving me Swedish fish, which are my favorite at the meat and greets. I'm eating them in the green room.

I'm getting, I'm staying up all night because I'm tweaked out. And then I need sugar because my blood sugar's Like it just becomes this fucking insane cycle because I used to have type 2 diabetes So I think my body is very like give me sugar but when did you have when did you Um get type 2 like sixth grade was a baby or fifth grade yeah yeah that's the I mean did you have the blindness thing where you go blind for a second no I didn't have type 1 I type no no but I know people That's it's just like you just eat too much you're it's just a dietary thing right yeah if you I know people who got like a blackout on a plane from eating to like he needed to change his diet. I fainted on a few planes, but I don't know if that's what it was.

No, yeah, it was, yeah. No, and then I became anorexic in high school and then I got rid of it by not eating. Not eating. It was crazy. You figure out like, oh, I have a solution. Yeah, I have a solution. I found a solution. Yeah, I started fucking in people and not eating and I was like, got rid of it.

Oh, okay. So you start, you stopped eating. yeah started fucking yeah go on tell me more it was just the same dopamine it was like oh i can have a boyfriend if i don't eat so then i just didn't eat and i was able to have a boyfriend and i was like this is so did you like having so it wasn't about like a bunch of guys it was just one it was yeah one guy it was like always one attention yeah constant attention from one guy yeah i really just wanted to get out of my household and i my friends parents were getting upset that I was always at their house.

So I figured if I could get a boyfriend, I could just stay with him all the time. So then I did that. And I was so, I'm like so addicted to physical contact and stuff. So once I got that, it was just like, my brain was just like, the only reason you got this is because you lost weight from not eating, you must just continue not eating. And then I was, and then that's, just so you know,

here's what's fucked up. That is reality. That is a devastating reality. If you are skinny, you may have boyfriend. That is like modus ponens. logic equation that is a hundred percent sound isn't that fucked up it's a hundred percent true and I lived it I was you don't think there's a point where I hate to step on modus ponin is that it too skinny guys are not not true not even you think you don't think that there is a too skinny nope there's a too fat and it's comes up

there's a too fat and it's not very it's not a big very big yeah I never got deathly I mean I'm you know the lowest I've ever been is like 145 you know yeah but like yeah no you don't there people will take the too skinny to small insecure jews will take the too skinny you're getting now you're you're narrowing it well it's true you've seen it right but i too i mean i've have you have you gone too skinny no but i've made the conscious decision if i met a girl that i would be like you're too skin she's too skinny like i because I know about eating this. Yeah, but your gag reflex informs you about the fat people.

But your mind informs you about the skinny people. Ah, too skinny. The gag reflex comes. It does. So you know about, you know, that I have a gag reflex about, I'm kidding. That's like Kenya, that's like fucking, you know, people who are starved, right? Like bone. Yeah, but, you know, it, yes.

Or else, but also I lived in LA for a long time. So like, you know, it gets pretty wild. Yeah. In terms of like, you know, juice and clenny cleanses and just like, no, this shit, this, it's wild. So there is, there is a too skinny. I love the idea that if skinny get boyfriend. It's true.

I love the simplicity of it. It's so fucked up, but it is true. I mean, you can't, yeah, you can obviously go over into the deep end, but even if, even if you rejected that skinny girl, there will be somebody, yeah, there will be somebody, yeah, there will be somebody who is attractive and elite who will take her, you know what I mean? It's not just like an ugly guy. Whereas like, yeah, if you're, there is no fat. There's no inverted.

Yeah. I mean, it could be another fat. There's a converse fat rule. Yeah. Have you had to disabue? What have you learned in SLA? Oh, what's the big thing? I mean, a big part of it is like making amends to people who you've kind of like used as validation.

Like you've been like, I'm going to keep this person around because they give me validation. And you're not even. Not even sexual validation or. Like, you know, when you have a, like, I would have a boyfriend and then, but I wouldn't be getting something from him. So I'd rope in some other people that were in love with me to be like, I'll get other things. And I'll lead them on. Not fuck them, probably. most of the time and then maybe like if you were losing i mean fuck them but not right exactly and then

like i'm shoring up that relationship and then another thing is it's like i learned from it that i was the emmeshment thing is like i i basically thought that if me and somebody have opposing feelings or or ideas or moments of being separate people that that was abandonment yeah i mean that's a tough everyone doesn't have that you know i mean it's the it's the codependent thing of like if somebody doesn't text you back you're never going to see him again like well i guess that relationship's over i just got to the point in my life where when i break up with somebody i'm like damn that's their loss as well like it used to be like it's just me suffering because they won't miss me and now i'm like oh that sucks that that sucks that that they won't what do you think the difference is netflix

dude honestly honestly No. No, no. I don't know. Yeah. Whatever you think you're seeing on her face when she said, honestly, you're not seeing it. It is crazy. That helps.

Dude. Your self-esteem. It's like if I have a bad set, all of a sudden I'm texting my ex. You know what I mean? If I have a good set, I'm like, who? You know what I mean? Yeah. What happened was I started realizing that every time something good happened, I was making it bad in my head.

Like, anytime somebody validated me or was like, I really love you, I would be like, yeah, but you're saying that because of this. and now I just like allow it to be true. That it might be true. You don't agree with them, but. Yeah, I don't agree with them, but yeah, totally. But I'm like, okay. You can see how a person would think that you're pretty or smart or funny or whatever. Or I just believe it.

Like I just am like, okay, they're saying, I don't believe it about me, but I believe that they think that. You know what I mean? I'm like, somebody could think that even if I don't think. What do you think when you look in the mirror? And I mean that actually and like proverbially. proverbially I think it's like appeal like what categories do you rate yourself in and what's the rating I think the appeal of me is that if you're with me you feel like you're kind of in on your you get like to see behind the scenes a little bit because I feel like it's mostly dominant I'm mostly dominant presenting so if you're with me you get to see more of a soft side which I think is the I think the I think that's the allure of being like, I'd like to see Jordan when she's not on one.

And then, but physically, like, actually, I think it's probably, like a strength thing. I think there's like a, you know,

when I've talked to people about it, it's like you're not going to break. I'm evenly matched, which I think is the appeal. Do you, the thing about seeing behind the curtain, do you want, Does it feel like you're losing a little bit when you let them behind the curtain?

Like, does it feel like you've lost because it's vulnerable? Do you like being vulnerable? Is it, are you either averse to being vulnerable or are you dying to be vulnerable? Because it seems like it could go either way. Interesting. I think I am dying to be vulnerable for sure. And I also think I also, I think I do this thing where I'm like, because you saw me vulnerable, you owe me. you owe me something, like you owe me a certain level of allegiance.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And that is a weird thing where I'm like, you can't abandon me because you saw me vulnerable. And if you saw me vulnerable, that's you making a commitment to keep things going. But I don't. But that wasn't their decision. It wasn't their decision. And it's also, that's dismissing the fact that my, that's, that's basically being like,

I'm going to show you the monster behind the curtain, but you can't leave. And it's like, I have to like accept that me being vulnerable is not something that is, that doesn't mean that I showed them some horrendous thing that now they can't. Or that you showed them some great thing. It's kind of like, yeah, I don't know. It's just reality. Yeah, totally. But yeah, I think that, yeah, I mean, the mirror thing physically, it's always apologetic. I'm very apologetic.

I don't even mean like, how do you look? I just mean like, are you, you start, you. it seems like you think more of yourself than you used to. And I don't mean physically. I just mean like you used to think you were. The more self-deception I cut out, the more I think of myself. So the more like the more things that I like when I'm being self-deceptive, my entire life falls apart. Like when I'm lying to myself and staying in a relationship even though I don't want to be in it, when I'm binge eating sugar even though that I shouldn't.

When I'm dodging my friends because I'm like then I really start to hate myself. Like when I start when I'm when the lying creeps in like the the lying to myself I like become something to like my like my posture changes and I get really weird But if I stand by what I'm doing then my so it's but it's like a very active thing that I have to do like I have to be like it's also counterintuitive for Most people because I think most people are lying and not being honest yeah and they go like no this is and it's like no dude you're eating, you're losing credibility with yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. And the minute you start being like honest about what you are, then you'll, you won't, I've never heard someone say that. That's such a great, I mean, it's kind of the point of 12 step groups. Yeah. Of like, if you're honest,

it's better. It's always better. And sometimes being honest means not compulsively being honest. Like, that's a thing that I had before where I'd be like, having a third. thought that I shouldn't say out loud because I knew it was going to be painful to somebody. You know what I mean? Or like, say we walk into a bar and I had been there with a previous boyfriend or something. Yeah. I would go, oh, yeah, I came here with my ex. There's no reason to say that.

You're going on a date with somebody. Why would you say that to them? But I would do these compulsive things. And now I'm like, I can keep shit for myself and this idea that comes up that's like, say it, say it. I'm like, I'm not going to say it. Well, yeah, that's being aggressive and shitty. And being.

Under the guise of like, it's when people are like, I'm just being honest, man. Yeah. fuck off. Totally. It's, it, you're just being nasty. Yeah. And that wears me the fuck down. Now, when I, if you've been there before, do you pretend to not know where the bathroom is? How far will you go? I will be like, I've been here before. Okay. Yeah, I won't be like, but yeah, totally. And also there's like, Mexican. I've never eaten it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. And yeah, there's shit like that that I'm just learning how to do where I'm like, yeah, you don't have to divulge everything. You're allowed to have private.

conversations that are just between you and somebody. It doesn't, you know, you don't need to expose every part of you. I used to have this fear. My OCD used to be very dominated by I'm worried that other people are going to rub off on me and I'll become a different person. So what I would do is I would just tell everybody everything all the time. And I'd be like, just so you know this is who I am. To keep.

Why? Dude. To do what you did it like, hey, I'm not going to be like you. I'm like this. I'm like this. I'm like this. I'm like this. So just so you know.

Yeah. Like, hey, just so you know, there was a guy in class today and he asked me for my number and I thought that I should tell you and I said no to him, but there was a moment where I thought maybe I should, but I just want to be honest with you that that's what happened. And they're like, I don't fucking care. And I'm like, well, just so you know, I didn't do it. But I did think there was a moment where I thought about doing it for sure. So you do it in relationships? Yeah. Or like all the time? I do it in relationships is like the big issue.

Yeah, totally. I don't do it. Well, that almost sounds like a, like you don't want to be dishonest about anything. I don't want to be dishonest, but the problem is you just kind of have to be. Totally. And it destroys, I mean, the last relationship I was in, I just couldn't, I like just everything that I thought I would have to say out loud. Because, and I think I was like trying to get out of it for sure, but it was just like, the amount of like power that I have gotten back by just being like, I am my own, I'm in my own orbit and I'm allowed to have my own fucking thoughts and I don't have to share them, which, because the only reason I'm sharing them is to tether people to me and being like, but I showed you my soft. underbelly so you have to stay you have to stay because I showed you these things and I told you

who I was and you have to stay and like once I realized that it wasn't this like adorable honesty thing that I was doing in order to like show people my true self but it was this way of like also tethering people to me I was like that's it's that's like a weakness you can't did you would you get mad at people when they weren't tethered to you because you'd been honest or you'd been vulnerable or you'd be yeah would you ever say like I showed you my scum whatever Yeah, in relationships, yeah. Yeah. And pretty stable with, like, friendships and stuff.

Well, it feels like you have a lot of, I mean, this is probably the human condition, but you have a lot of, like, reflexes that are not who you are, who you want to be. And you know who you are inside, but you still have all these old, like, old fucking 25-year-old reflexes. Yeah. And you're like, and then the real you ends up in these situations where you're like, why am I here? Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. And it's because. reflexes are reflexive and you can't get out of them.

Yeah, totally. Unless you go to a program. Yeah. Almost every day or something almost every day. It's just like such a fucking active thing. I mean, for a while I did this like active thing where every moment I was assessing and I was trying to discern and I was being really like aggressive with being the person that I wanted to be.

And then I think I slid into like, I'm just going to let it go and go sicko mode. and now I'm kind of in this place where I'm like, I need to be able to observe my behavior passively with acceptance. And then that allows me to change more organically than just being like, do that, go to the gym, wake up, do that way. You know what I mean? And like, but yeah, I also think that's just aging. Like I also think like your 20s is all about being like,

I refuse to be this person. I'm going to be something else. I'm going to fucking jury rig this thing into the thing that I want. And then your 30s, you're like, fuck, I think I just might be this person. and I hate it and now like I'm almost 35 and I'm like there is literally no point in hating it and then you start actually being like okay here are things that I like and I am like you start saying it's also like if you don't even think about the parts you hit you can just stop like they

will kind of like fade away yeah the like you won't even be in situation you will maybe you stop being in situations where the the hateable parts flare up yeah and I think there's role playing that happen. I think on stage I can play this role of like, fuck that, this is stupid, that's gay, that's bad. And then I can also know that like, I don't give a fuck what people do with their life. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's like, that is okay to have both of those. I was going to ask you, because when you're talking about like you would become one of the great codependent things is you just become the ideology thing of like, oh, whatever my mom says on that, whatever my dad's on state, when I see doing crowd work, you are yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you, you,

You are your point of view is not. It's like I know you you're what you you don't hide what you think. Right. Which might be why you like it. It's the best. Yeah. It's the best. I mean, the other day I had this thing where I just was in this like fucked up relationship battle and I was so far.

And then I just stepped on stage and was like I get to like take a break from all of this trying to be a good person trying to not be a bad all of this stuff. And I just like, you know, and I can just exude the rage and I can let it all out and I can be like, fuck this, fuck that, that sucks. That's good. That's bad. And have these like and then, but because waking life, you're just not allowed to. My favorite thing is giant black and white thinking sweeping generalizations. I like that. When people say you shouldn't generalize, I was like, I built a very nice life for myself. Yeah. from absolutely general racial

stereotypes are wrong not if you do them right yeah yeah yeah not if you're correct yeah like not if you do them like gender stereotypes you're I did I completely beg to differ if you can say something about a group of people

that no one's noticed and the minute you say it they go wow yeah then you're doing most people can't do it yeah some people can and the ones who can should should do it without any shame or humility or it's just delusional to think that every single person isn't making a value judgment at all times at all times about everything it's constant that's all we're doing is making me into things and you're just saying it out loud and then

yeah i mean that that that like annoys the shit out of me when i have friends who are like you're just really harsh and you just like it feels like you're judging me and i'm like i am judging you you just made a horrible decision would you we are friends because you know that i'm not going You like my judgments about most things. Yeah, totally. I'm pointing the machine at you now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

Because that's, you ask for the, it's, you've seen me at the laser. Yes, I'm not going to. It's not like, and never fuck yourself. Yeah. It's, hey, I've told you all of my fallibility. You know that I'm all of these contradictions as well. So it's okay that you are too. It's not like I'm being like, I'm good and you're bad.

We just spent 45 minutes talking about how I'm bad. Now I'm going to say that guy, you're fucking. You know what I mean? Yeah. But yeah, people. But I don't, what I'm saying is, is there, so the person who's making the snap judgment in the crowd work, right? Do you buy people in here?

Wow, that whole table. Yeah, I can tell the table of witches. Yeah. Where she go when you get offstage? But, or obviously she's still there. Who was speaking for her? Oh, when I'm off stage? Yeah.

There are people that I can talk to. the same way I talk about the same way I talk how I'm on stage do you ever do you want to get to the point where you can obviously when you're like buying coffee you don't you don't need to say he's got a tight-ass shirt yeah or whatever yeah but I'm saying like is there a way you can stick yeah like do you want to do it with all the time everywhere no or do you think it's inhumane it's like man take it out well I'm worried you know how when people get old they just start blasting their thoughts all the time and it gets really out of touch seeming and it almost feels like they have to be saying it or else

they'll cease to exist. I don't like that. Like I'm very scared of that. So when I'm talking to somebody, like my best friend Brianna, she's not somebody who I'm going to be like, I think this about this race, I think this about this gender, I think this about, she's just not like that. She doesn't like that. She doesn't like that fun. Yeah, she doesn't like that fun. She doesn't, she and her humor and our humor together is like, you know, silly stuff about a dog who. who has human eyes. And like when I'm with her, that part of me that's like, yeah, I don't care about the Kantian categorization of human beings.

I care about how funny it is that guy has human eyes. And then when I'm with Jake, we're like, you know what? I'm all in on this. I'm all out on this. I'm all. And that's like, so I have places where I do that. And I definitely keep people in my life that are not for that because I don't want to just become a loud speaker of the black and white thoughts because I'm doing that on stage.

My mom is like that. She's a loud speaker of black and white thoughts. Like if you were like... I liked her mom. Energetically. Of course. Of course. You guys are so similar. So, I talked to her for 10 seconds. I was like, yeah.

She's the best. But she is somebody that when you're listening to the telepathy tapes where they're, yeah, she's like that. She's like, fuck that. It's not real. And I'm like, can we just suspend our black and white thinking for a second and enjoy this podcast? Well, I'm both because I look, I love the telepathy tapes. And then I love the front line debunking of it that was done in the 90s.

Really? Yeah. Again, this is like there, yes, and I didn't, I listened. They were great. I listened to them. I was excited. We're all, we're all excited. My mom's like, shut this horse shit off.

Now, the hill is pretty hard to argue with. The hill is sick. The hill's sick. Yeah. And I am also like in that world more and more. So it's like not the hill world, but like the possible. of the hill world but then once you hear the debunking up as you're like yeah the only thing that you can't debunk is the hill but the rest of it's the rest of it's like wigi

board yeah but I also feel like if somebody was like do you ever meet up on a hill I'd be like yeah yeah like every dream is at the hill yeah yeah yeah or any hill is kind of a hill you know you're like yeah I've had I think I've seen the hill By the way, this is a side note. I think dream analysis is stupid. I know it's stupid because I'll say a joke and then it's immediately what my dream is every time. And I'm like, it literally just... And I've had a dream that Lauren Michaels is mad at me every night for 25 years.

Yeah. And I hate dream analysis and I hate when people talk about their dreams. Anyway, and then my lady was saying that she read a study the other day that like of recurring dreams, like the number one is falling. And like the number, like my point is, this is my other point is the idea of sweet dreams. When people go sweet dreams, I'm like, I've never had a sweet dream, ever. These are not, they're all kind of nightmares just on a scale. Yeah, totally. Like, so this idea of sweet dreams is like, who the fuck is having?

No, I've never had a dream where I'm surrounded. I don't think we're, I think we're the only ones who will admit it. I mean, by the way, it looks like we've never had sweet dreams. Who has had sweet dreams? I completely agree. There are people out there who will wake them and say, I had the sweetest dream. I've never heard a guy say it. But women will say it.

Guys have never mentioned their dreams. All my dreams are me closing my eyes and my dad being like, I wish you weren't here right now. And I'm like, well, that's a little cut and dry. Come on, I'm trying to sleep. Yeah. Or, yeah. I mean, I have dreams every night that just the closest person in my life is like, I don't even know who you are. That happens every single night.

It's crazy. Um, uh. I hate me. When people talk about dreams, it's like when they talk about what they ate. It's like, I don't give a fuck and you're going to shit it out. It's your, yes, it's what you're going to eat. It's what diet. plan you're on, it's how you exercise.

It's also your psychedelic experience. Don't want to know. Yeah. Yeah. And I love them. So dreams are stupid. Let's wrap up that segment. Dreams are stupid and none of them are sweet.

Because I'm, every day, I don't know about you, but I get a day older, which I don't like, but it's what happens. So you gotta start filling in the gaps. Your body's not, she ain't what she used to be. So you gotta fill in the gaps. Like with the, with Bubb's natural. Okay, here's the thing. My hips are getting a little cracky. Working out. Soar, I'm one of those second day sore people. Maybe that's everybody. But like the second day I'm like, first time I'm like, I'm in really good shape. The day after I'm like, I don't, I'm good. I'm all straightened and the

second day. I'm like, I'm in trouble. My skin maybe not what she used to be. You know what's happening? It's because you're not making collagen anymore. It starts to decline in your mid-20s. And if you don't know what collagen is, I'm going to tell you as if I invented it. It's a crucial protein that provides structure and support to your muscles, joints, and skin. It's often referred to as the glue that holds our bodies together. So you probably imagine that a decline in collagen. Yeah, it's, you need it. You need it.

Girl, this is one of these things that women have been doing for like 10, 15 years. Or they're like, oh, you don't know about college? It's good for skin, nails, hair. But it's also good for joints. So you got to, you got to stay on it, right? And Bubbs, naturals, it's a collagen peptides. You're going to get your collagen levels back up. You're going to be less sore.

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Like, all authority becomes like, it's all a referendum on your parents. No, it's not against my parents. Our rage is biological. My dad had rage. I have rage and my sister had rage. And my dad used to hit my sister and my sister used to hit me. Like the three stooges? Like.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Skilets? Yeah, down the line. Yeah. It's a Russian doll of abuse. So we fight to the death. And we're, my sister is an athlete and would get in the penalty box every fucking night during hockey.

My dad has a million concussions from beating the shit out of people in rugby. And like, and I've gotten in a thousand physical fights. It's like a deep, it's like a Vitamix here. And it's, and the only thing that has helped me, I go in the pit at hardcore shows. I listen to a lot of hardcore, which helps a lot. fucking helps a lot boxing helps a lot but like

stand up helps stand up I've gotten off stage and started crying just because I'm like like after your orgasm you'll cry sometimes that's how it feels where I'm just like I mean I'll just fucking lose it and get off stage and be like that was the best feeling ever or if a guy beats a shit out of me during sex

it's like that's the best that'll get me to cry because I'm like that was so in touch with the truth so much more than calm shit but like true like I want like physical violence all the time do you think there's anything wrong with it not like the the wanted to be beat up by sexually not even nothing wrong with it now and like do you have to walk guys through it be like hey I'm gonna need just or do you do you think most of the guys

most of the applicants know what what they're signing up for I try to like avoid it but then it eventually creeps in for sure. Oh, so you try to be vanilla-ish. Yeah, I try. I try to get it just through like the physical activity of it. Right. But then I'll eventually just be like, all right, I need you to do this. Or it'll slowly get there and they'll figure out that I need it.

But it's also like, that feels the closest. What if they did it immediately? Would that be like too soon? If they did it immediately, I would get violent back. You know what I mean? If they did it immediately, I'd be like, who the fuck do you think you are? You know what I mean? You have to prove that you're safe.

Yeah, but no, it's like it has to be crept in, it has to be safe. And then it also is like, for me, the nicest thing that somebody could say to me during sex is I fucking hate you because that feels so incredibly honest because I know they do. I know that everybody, whoever I'm dating fucking hates me and wants to twist a knife. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Because that's how it feels. That's how it feels to be. No, no, no. There's a big difference between you fucking hate me and I feel like you fucking hate me.

and I feel like you fucking hate me. No, I know they do. I know they do. Why? Because I run my mouth all day. And then you're going to have gentle sex with me? Go fuck yourself. I know that's not the case.

I know that's not the case. Are they also running their mouth? No. I mean, sometimes. If I'm running my mouth. Yeah, that's a good point. And my girls running her mouth, I'm not like, you've got a lot of,

especially if like the girls. Yeah, but then they're upset with me for putting them in this. Then there's like this feeling of like, I know that there's this feeling of like, of like, you run your fucking mouth, you think that I love you because I'm here and I secretly fucking hate you. And I know that that's true. And I have the feeling towards them too where I'm like, I know that you could hurt me and

I fucking hate you for that. And saying that is the closest to love to me. I love you is bullshit. I fucking hate you and yet I'm here. That actually feels like love because you do hate that person. And you hate them for putting in a position where eventually something bad will happen or could happen and you can hurt each other. And there is this underlying violence to love. There is.

And it should never be actually violent. You should never hurt anybody or punch anybody. But there is a feeling of like you could really fuck me up. And that's what we're doing here. And we're not acknowledging that. So when they acknowledge it for me, that's like, do you think it's both way or you think it's men toward women? Women know like I could beat you up whenever I want. a guy their guy could beat them up whenever they want i think that when you fuck a woman who you

love and when the woman fucks a man who they love they both both genders are very aware that that other person could humiliate them destroy them um hurt them like abandon them yes you are trapped in this your you're you're it is very like there is a the the limitation is beautiful yeah it's the point And at the same time, there's a, there's, there, it's resensible. It's resentable. Yeah, totally. One night stand, I would never say I hate them or want them to say I hate them to you. But if I'm in a relationship.

Would you want to like big dude to, in a one night stand to go hard in the paint? No. No. No, that would, I would get hostile. I mean, I don't have one night stands. I can't. They mean they don't do anything for me. But no, I would want the one night stand.

Well, nobody thinks it's going to be a one night stand. It's just a one night stand. If they were aggressive, I probably would date them for three and a half years. You know what I mean? Because I'd be like, well, that's love. Okay. So you think, and that, and does it do a lot of them end up in that place of like, it is a mosh pit? Yeah.

Totally. Yeah. How long? Like how long? Before it's a mosh pit. Give me the shortest and longest it took. It usually takes the same every time. It usually takes like a two, like maybe like, yeah, two.

months and then they're like oh shit this is a mosh pit i need the mosh pit you got to have the mosh pit the mosh pit has to happen i can't entertain you like hitting them back i don't hit them it's more just like you know like that and saying i hate you i like saying saying i hate you and i really like when they're like get off of me and i'm like please that feels correct in the middle or after in the middle during before like they is it a fake they get off me like i'm repell of me like i'm repell by you? I really don't like being like pursued intimate. Like I don't want anybody like wooing me. I really want it to be like, I hate that I'm here with you, but I'm going to do it anyway. That's what I like. So to you, foreplay is what? Get off. But by then you're already, oh, you're like, get off. Get off.

Get off. Get off. You're like grinding them. Yeah. I'm like, I'm like a disgusting creature that they're like, that I'm convincing them. That's the best. What? Like imagine somebody's doing their taxes And they're like, I have to get this done by In an hour, don't talk to me I'm fucking all over them And you want them to part of the game Let's them go get out of here

The clock is ticking And then it close up with the clock Yeah Even like you're gross, get off I'm not gonna sleep with you See about that And then you like convincing them Is it part convincing or is it part like

Domination? Not domination convincing like fine is that like a role play thing or you actually it's legitimate do you say like now i'm doing it in role play so i'm going to not do you think that's better yeah yeah totally now i'm being like get tell me because you can pretend it's a character you're playing because they know because i'm not really me somebody like because if somebody's really doing their taxes yeah and clawing them oh and also a few people went to jail because you wouldn't let them finish their taxes

Right. Few people got thrown and bail for taxes. Yeah. Huge fines. It's actually I'm paid by the CIA. Yeah. Yeah. Huge.

Huge fines. Um, and then in terms of like beating, how bad? Is there a too far? I don't like stinging. No stinging. By the way, you say it like I knew about stinging. What stinging are you talking about? Like slapping stings, pinching stings.

Like, I don't like that. I like, like, like, hard mashing. and like squishing. You know what I mean? Like maybe face, fuck you. Whatever's demeaning. Not demeaning, I don't want to be pissed on. But like, a struggle, struggle.

My mom calls it a struggle snuggle. That's what we grew up to. Pretty good. It's just being like, that's what me and my sister did with our parents. As our parents would be like, get off of us. And we'd be like, please, please, please. And they'd be like, get off. And we'd be like, oh.

That's how I grew up with my dad is just clawing at him and him being like, get the fuck off on me. that's the best. Any like we're coming together and that's nice but I can't sustain. Is there any point in the interaction where you want them to actually be there with you or is that they've then they're then they're a pussy? No, after yeah. After you want like get off.

Fuck you. You won't get away with this. Knock it off. You won't get away with this. Like we're called the embassy. And then. We're in the fucking 1930s. You ain't gotta get away with it, see?

I'm gonna find ya. I'm gonna throw you in the link. I mean, the clink. The, when do you want vulnerable, when do you want, do you want them to be like, we're not so bad afterward? Is it like, hey, fuck yeah, right? What? Bang. The best is afterwards, it's like, hey, okay, yeah, I'm good.

We're, I love you. It's afterwards where it's like, are we cool? I was wrong about you. It's just like snapping out. out of it and you're kind of like, okay. But yeah, that's like what I pursue. Any relationship where the person, where I don't mind being the person

who's like, get the fuck off of me, that's fine. But somebody has to be doing it. It can't just be two people in love. I can't handle that. That doesn't, that feels very. There's no drama. There's no frision. There's no, it's not, it's not honest.

It feels dishonest. It feels like, what do you, what are we in a fucking play right now? you know what I mean it's a bad play good plays they did a good play Arthur Mellon the people you've heard of it's not love yeah yeah yeah yeah so

you're saying like let's admit our conflicted feelings here up up to the point of stinging yeah and yeah and I don't like that I mean I think it's dishonest for me to walk around my life and being like that sucks that's gay that's bad and then I step into sex and I'm like my love

Yeah, that's dishonest and they know it's dishonest and they know that I'm an analytical and discerning person So the way that I can make them feel comfortable also is to be like you fucking suck and they're like do what you know what I mean like yeah Because that at least I'm not putting on like a show that's how I was felt about when people were upset about Louis So I was like so you think most non linear person On earth yeah yeah yeah is he thinks non linearly about everything except except the most non linear thing and then he's a fucking boy scout that's like Marilyn I'm like, you think that guy is nice to women? Yeah. That's what you thought?

It's crazy. I'd also like to point out something that I don't judge you when I say like you're complicated and you, but you like sifting, I don't say like, look at you over there. I'm not like, you poor thing. No. I'm saying it like up here of like, no, I've under, I've got, I put my boots on as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And get to sifting. It's not, it's basically ground zero.

Yeah. about rage and anti-authority because I am you you you think society's stupid is yeah but you'd like to be a big part of it yeah I mean I think that there's like a big justice component there's a big like like there's a I can't let somebody get away with something you know like when I'm at the hotel right the hotel is like hey you didn't actually pay for your hotel room and I go yeah I for sure did I for sure paid a lot of money actually for it yeah and they're like no no no you have to give us your card and I go I'm gonna need you to get the manager and then the manager goes oh yeah she did

pay for it see I turned to that other person and I could be like thank you so much and go upstairs but I turned to that other person and I go so what what happens now that you just almost made me pay twice what do we do about that not only can I relate to what you're saying there have been times where I want to you ever like just a bad interaction and then I want to like do do a show or whatever content about like, so what do you think just happened? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just let's get a two shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you, like a body cam, whatever, just like walk me through what you think just happened. I'm begging to know what you thought. Show me, I'll do, I'm going to get a shot of the computer screen. I want to know exactly what happened. And then why do you think I was the mark?

Because it's hard not to think that they think you're the mark. Because I think they do. With me, it's more like, what's going on now in your head? Are you justifying this somehow? Are you going to walk away from this and be like, well, if she didn't pay, da-da-da-da. Or are you really thinking like, ah, I fucked that up? Because if you're thinking, ah, I fucked that up, we're good. We're good.

But if I don't think that's what your face is saying right now. Yeah, it's like that. Fix your face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's why, I mean, that's like, you know, it's like I opened my door the other day and there was a bicyclist coming. And I barely opened it, but he goes, fuck you. And I was like, hey, man, I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking at all.

And he goes, yeah, I know you weren't fucking bitch or something like that. And I lost it. And I was just like, I just apologized. I made abundantly clear that I didn't know that I didn't check. And now you're going to double down on the apology. I was like, what kind of person, you know? And I like, it's this justice thing where I'm like, I can't passively, I can't let things go. I need people to know exactly.

That's me with saying that I was mad for six weeks. I mean, and that's a form of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. me going, I made the content. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Totally. Basically, like, that's how I, I just, and it is a part of me, I do want to thwart them. I didn't want to thwart, whatever.

I, like, we're friends, so it's like, I'm not thwarting it, but I am like, you have to know the mentality. Yeah, like, what, what, why do you do that? Yeah. Like, why, we can't all be doing this. I just have to know the train of thought. Like, if somebody just get, even if somebody's like, I'm a sociopath and I do things that hurt people on purpose, fine. But it's like, I need to know how.

Better than fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. But I need to know. That's why my, I'm good friends with Chloe Radcliffe because she does, she can do this thing where she's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where she just is like, she'll have this like horrendous view on something. Because she did a show about cheating. Right. Like, how do you do a show about cheating? And she will let me sit there and pick her apart and be like, I need you to walk, the guy walks in. You're, you know that you have a boyfriend. Yeah. Tell me exactly what the feeling. is and there's no facade there's no like well i wasn't thinking about him fuck you fuck you yes you were and what were you thinking of you know what i mean like i have to know how things are how people got to

the place of being insane i need to know what happened and and i was raised like that too if i fucked up and then said sorry to my mom she'd be like just explain to me exactly how you got there yeah and then it would be fine one woman jerked off my boyfriend under a blanket one time um and i A woman? A woman. You were an adult? We were like 18 and I fell asleep on the couch. He was here and she was there and she jerked him off under the, and I was like, I need to know everything.

Did you tell me? Okay. Yeah, I know. I wish. I need to know everything that led you to the point of doing that. I know. Because it really is like, then I'm almost fine. Fine.

If you can explain. Because even politically where when liberals are like, I can't believe. And it's like, you can't imagine. getting to a place of wanting to have a border policy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't fathom it. Yeah. And if you can't fathom it, do ask somebody how they got to that point. But also, and they'll tell you, it's really like a one step, two step process. Yeah, totally. I know. And so, and I forget who I was talking to recently where I was like, I just need, oh, I was, it was after the lecture. I was like, I need to understand, like, I do have to

understand everybody's exact train of thought. The thing that's fucked up right now is like, you follow this train of thought for different political positions, and it all gets to this place where it's just like false, where people are just like, that never happened. And they go, that never happened. And we're like, I'm like, where does that leave me? There's no.

They say that what you believe is based on something that didn't happen? Take like if you're talking, if you're thinking about the Israel versus Palestine, everybody goes down the line and they go, well, that didn't actually happen. And then this group goes, well, that didn't actually happen. Right. And then you look it up and both parties go, that didn't have. And you're like, there's no. Yeah, like this is a bad source.

You can't trust the source. And go, okay, well, then I, we can't. I have to trust something. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I have to believe some fact. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And facts are very lost now. And yeah, that's, yeah, people arguing in bad faith is probably my, is like the, my least.

It's probably what activates me so much. Like if a cop pulling you over and you being like, know for a fact that I wasn't going that fast. And if you just tell me right now, hey, man, I have to meet a certain quota of tickets I need to give out and you got nailed. Give me the ticket. Give me the ticket. Yeah, totally. But when they don't do that, now I'm activated. Like at TSA, when they go, you've been randomly selected, I'm like, send me, stick with a wand in my ass. But when they just go, go, go that way, and you go, why? And they go, go that way, oh, I'm like, you will give me an explanation of why the wand is in my ass. But random selection?

Totally fine. Totally fine. completely agreed and do you think most people are like this? Because I'm somebody, Chappelle one time said he's never met someone more obsessed with fairness than me. Oh, I'm so obsessed. I'm like obsessed. I always said like a pivotal moment in my life is when they, someone made a sandwich and then they go, you split it. And then the other one picks it. The other person picks which and I'm like, this is the coolest dynamic.

Yeah. I've ever heard of. Yeah. And can we do, and I, basically I want everything that's happened since to be like that. And none of it is. I remember being like. Except when it benefits me and then I want it to be, I want it to benefit me. Yeah.

And then you can justify it. Then it's fine. I remember writing my name on something in preschool and having a girl crossed out my name and write her name and going to the teacher and being like, this is mine. And I remember pointing at my name and be like, you cross my name out. And she was like, no, I didn't. That's not your name under there. And I was like, well, you can't see it because the marker, but you know that you cross it out. And she was like, no, I didn't.

And I remember being like, I can't, I need to understand how she's at the point, how she's at the point of lying. I think that's what it is. I need to understand how people can be self-deceptive. And that's why my life falls apart when I'm disabled. But you know that they can't, a lot of people can't explain it. Right. But that drives me crazy. They can't come near me.

Those people cannot come anywhere near me. I just got out of a relationship like that where it was like, I would be like, do you see this. By the way, and there are plenty of ways in which we can't explain why we're like, when we do the things we do. We like to think we can. Yeah. But like, I don't know about that. You think we can explain everything? Do you think it will be the right explanation?

I think I'd be open to the right explanation if it was given to me. And that's the, that's the, if somebody said, I actually think you're doing this because of this and it felt right, I would admit that. A lot of people are like, I have to adhere to the narrative. I've given myself. And that makes me want to kill people. That's the, yeah. Like, I will not admit this because that would mean this about me. Who gives a fuck if that means that about it?

you then make that about you then I think you and I would find it liberating and other people find it scary well then they have no awareness of death Alon de Bitton who was a guest on the pod and no how did you get him I just deemned him and it's it's that simple and and but he wrote a book 20 years ago called status anxiety yeah and once you know that most things are about status yeah which is why I was mad at you for cancer and I was like who the does she think she's fucking higher status she can just go no I'm like yeah that's why I literally said like hey I'm successful when we scheduled this yesterday yeah I like I know you do

but I'm but a lot of people will be like oh Neil think it's like let's just all admit yeah that we're all status animals yeah and I don't like being in a spot you've heard the thing it's a minor stat but on planes where you have to walk through business and first class the incidents of air rage are higher because people are humiliated on those flights by having you like walk through like get out it you have to walk through yeah and it makes people it's like the stats not huge but it is higher like when they have to go to the bathroom no no no when you have when you board the plane you have to you have to walk through business and first like just that's any

airplane right and if you're in if you're in a it's embarrassing yeah totally and so on those flights there are the incidence of air rage are slightly higher and they believe that's why it's because they're mad because their status has been confirmed to them and it's low yeah why don't they board the back of the plane from the back it's I think it's probably one of these like it's too late things yeah that like they really should do that but well because then you'd have to tell the rich people your boarding last then their status is lower and

And then they don't like that. Yeah. Or you tell the poor people you board first, but you're going to have a walk through. Right. Beverly Hills. Right, right, right, right. To get to Compton. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And like, that's not. There's just, and by the way, and you have to board from the building, the terminal and the, like, the air thing isn't long. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the, yeah, like, just status. Just like, let's acknowledge what's happening. you think I'm ugly so you didn't think you could

have to be nice to me or you didn't think I was somebody or you didn't think you don't like black or whatever your category is. People would just go, Trevor Nolan one time said the one upside of apartheid was that it was in the open.

The racism in South Africa is easier to deal with because they're open about it. The white people would just go, no, we're better than you. So you're going to get worse stuff whereas in America they go we're all the same yeah yeah you just you're getting worse stuff because you're worse

right right right right it is a you're a worse person yeah totally because you're a failure not because the system's rigged in South Africa they go no it's a system it's rigged yeah I yeah I find there's sometimes people will tiptoe around it with comedy with me

well they'll talk about how I'm doing and I'm like well I say really egregious shit on stage that gets people to watch it on Instagram. I take, I have really hard takes that get a lot of buzz. And I'm also a woman, which helps a lot. And they're just like, oh. Oh, you know that? Yeah. And I'm like, 100%. Well, you know what I mean? Like, it's not, I'm a woman with rage. How often do you, that you don't see that very often. You know what I mean? And it is like, yeah, not having lucidity

around stuff. It does drive me completely. When people, the amount of times my friends will be participating in a pattern over and over and over again and I will illuminate it to them and they will be like, you're hurting my feelings. That, that upsets me so much. That you're, because you're not allowed to. How would illuminating a pattern of your behavior possibly hurt you? It's, that drives me crazy. Couldn't agree more. If it's false, then it's false. Then that could be annoying. Have people been overly honest with you in a way that hurt your feelings? And how long did it hurt for? Yeah. I put pushback for a bit. There's definitely this moment where I'm like, no, fuck you, this is fine. And then pretty quickly I'm able to be like, holy shit, that's 100% correct. But it does not,

that does not lead to a depression that leads to like an elevation. Do you then, does it affect the friendship? It makes it closer for sure. For sure. I mean, and it's like, yeah, I feel like actually known for sure. But it is, people have been like, you know, you're so incredibly afraid to be alone that you're willing to completely sabotage all of these things in your life. So you have your fear of being alone or something like that. Or like somebody was like, you haven't, you're, you think you're so entitled that you get to act this way around people. And it does. It, yeah, it definitely hurts, but it doesn't lead to like a heart that's like this person thinks that about me.

and so I'm bad. It's like, yeah, it definitely feels like they've laid out like a stepping stone. Like, I remember my mom when I was trying to go into college and she was like, well, you don't get good grades, so you're just going to go to the community college. And I was, I was so hurt. And I was like, what, what, what? And she was like, that's reality. And then I got way better grades because I was like, yeah, what?

So, like, it does, it sucks for a minute. And it does make me hostile. It's like rage and then it's like, oh shit, you're 100% right. And now I have to like get, I have to overcome that. I can't sink into it as a reality. Like I can't be like, yeah. And that is how it is. What are your goals for yourself now?

Not professional, just like personally. I want to operate in reality very much. And I also want to, yeah, I don't want to fall into delusion. That's a big thing. I fall into delusion. And I want to. Delusion about what? Um, like maybe this thing will,

work out with this person or maybe this delusion can also be like maybe I am maybe that person doesn't like me so they didn't give me this or maybe Esty didn't give me that many spots because she thinks da-da-da and I know the reality I know exactly what's going on so I want to be able to maintain reality even though sometimes if I accept reality like say I accept like hey you had a really good set just then my first fear is the second you accept positive realities they'll be taken away from you that has to stop. And I'm working on that, but that has to stop. Because my preparation for pain is making it so that I can't experience good things. So that's my goal is to like, if something good is there to see that it is good for what it is, not just to see the negative. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because what else are we fucking doing that?

What's the fun of that? It's just familiar. It's so familiar. Yeah. But it's not fun. It's bad. Yeah. And I just do it constant. I'll be like, I love my dog so much when she dies. I'll have to kill myself. And I'm like, Okay, let's try that again. I love my dog so much. Stop. You know what I mean? It's like, so I'm trying to do that. That's what I want for me.

You know what you could use is spray bottle for yourself. I know. I know. It's so active. I have to be so fucking on it. It's crazy how much I go there for self-preservation. This was Jordan Jensen, guys. The podcast is called RIP.

And the special is called, Take Me With You. You decide what it's. about and and I had a great time and I feel like we've elevated our relationship. What are we doing? We'd have all the same guess. Oh, share because I'm not going to schedule with you. Okay. Goodbye.