Blocks w/ Neal Brennan - Randall Park

Episode Date: November 14, 2024

Neal Brennan interviews Randall Park (Always Be My Maybe, Fresh Off the Boat, WandaVision, Shortcomings) about the things that make him feel lonely, isolated, and like something's wrong - and how he is persevering despite these blocks. ---------------------------------------------------------- 00:00 Intro 1:30 Ali Wong 3:00 UCLA & Asian-American representation 5:20 Parents & Upbringing 6:24 How the Immigrant Experience Influenced Him 8:48 Randall’s dad passing away 12:27 Anxiety 16:43 How to undo existential dread  20:47 Wanting to Be Liked 21:14 The Interview controversy   24:17 Wanting to be Liked 28:43 Sponsor: Tushy 30:30 Sponsor: Uncommon Goods 32:05 Fear of Success 36:12 Racism in Hollywood 45:35 Fear of Dead Animals 50:23 Mourning 1:00:50 Eulogy for his Father ---------------------------------------------------------- Follow Neal Brennan: https://www.instagram.com/nealbrennan https://twitter.com/nealbrennan https://www.tiktok.com/@mrnealbrennan Watch Neal Brennan: Crazy Good on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81728557 Watch Neal Brennan: Blocks on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81036234 Theme music by Electric Guest (unreleased). Edited by Will Hagle ([e-mail])  Sponsors: https://www.hellotushy.com/NEAL for 10% off your entire order. https://www.uncommongoods.com/BLOCKS for 15% off your next gift. Sponsor Blocks: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/blocks ---------------------------------------------------------- #podcast #comedy #mentalhealth #standup Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi guys, it's me, Neil Brennan. It's the Blox podcast. My guest today is a actor, writer. Are you officially a comedian or you're just more in the comedy space? No, yeah, I don't know. He exists in the comedy space, the liminal comedy space. He was a star fresh off the boat, he was a star of Always Be My Maybe with the great Ali Wong. What are your other big ones? WandaVision I was in.

Oh yeah, your WandaVision on Disney. Directed a movie, Shortcomings, I don't know if that was a big one, but it was big to me. Yeah, it took a lot of time, didn't it? Randall Park, ladies and gentlemen, here he is. Hey. It's great to, we met once that I know of, if not twice. Yeah, yeah, I definitely remember one.

You were on the street. You were on the street, maybe. Oh, I thought I met you with Mosha. Oh, we met on the street. Yeah, I met Mosha. Oh, with Mosha, that's right, that's right. That's right, both times. Oh, and then we met you when you were doing

all this good stuff. Yes, yes, and then I don't remember if I was with Mosha or you were with Mosha, but yeah, I met you then. The thing, one of the many things I like about you is you were friends with Allie. Yes. And you got her a job writing for Fresh Off the Boat. I mean, I helped.

Yeah, but you recommended her. Because she wasn't really a writer, wasn't even that. She was interested in learning about writing. Yeah. And you helped her get, you recommend, whatever you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she exploded. She exploded.

And then she was able to be like, hey, there's something biblical about it. And then she was like, we should do a movie together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was was like, we should do a movie together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was great, and all of a sudden, I made it on Netflix. Oh, thank you. And you helped with that. Yeah, you came.

I went to a screening of all of a sudden, and the director, Ninotchka, was like, isn't Neil a hater? She was upset. She was like, I don't know if I want Neil there. Isn't he a hater? I've never met her. Where did she get that, I. And I don't know. Maybe I give off hater vibes, but yeah.

So it was my pleasure. Yeah. And I remember your thoughts on it were very helpful and great. And I was like, oh man. You know what's funny in LA, you have to compliment people's criticisms. People criticize you.

You have to be like, thank you for the greatness of your insult. But I felt like, you know, sometimes you get criticism and it's more about the person criticized than about the actual thing that needs some critiquing. And I felt like from you, it was very, it came from very, I don't either, but I remember. I'm just such an old, like, I did Half-Baked 27 years ago, so I've been doing, I've been around,

I've been just thinking about it for a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and yeah, I mean, at that time, I got that sense, this is really valuable. Maybe it wasn't, maybe it was. And what, I'm interested in you in that you're, you seem like a sensitive guy. Yeah. And you entered into a hostile industry

as a member of a marginal race in a hostile industry. Yeah. And by marginal I mean population wise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a ton of. And by marginal, I mean population wise. Not a ton of Asians in North America, which you think there are if you're in certain cities. But the numbers are like 4%, 5%. But you entered, you went to UCLA for performing, you were always doing stuff.

Just like sort of community, like with an Asian, like meaning like you're doing it not just for you it seems like. Well, I mean, yeah, I started out in a co-founding, a theater company at UCLA. That theater company was an Asian American theater company. Ali eventually joined that company. That's how I knew Ali.

But after that, we graduated, we kept putting on plays and writing original material. And that was my, I wouldn't say an introduction into the business because we were so outside of the business, even though we were in LA. But it definitely got me thinking that this might be something that I could do.

When you thought of it, obviously, your thought process is probably like yourself first. And then do, as a white person, I never have to think about doing it for all white people. Yeah. It's, you do have to do it if you're black, if you're Asian, if you're Latino. Like, you do have to know if you're black, if you're Asian, if you're Latino, like you do have to consider like all of us and this as a movement, which seems

like twice as difficult. Yeah. And twice as big a pain in the ass. Yeah. Well, for me, I think it was, it wasn't something that I, you know, it was a part of me. So it kind of just felt natural to approach it that way. But I still was very much just like thinking of myself and trying to achieve in this business and trying to get somewhere, you know. What were your parents like? They were working middle class.

My mom worked at UCLA. She worked as an accountant for the student store at UCLA. Okay. Yeah. And my dad was, he was basically a small business owner. He had a one hour photo store for many years and like a tiny shop on Main Street in Santa Monica. And then he worked at a souvenir shop on Hollywood Boulevard for many years.

And then he passed away not too long ago. Sorry to hear that. Were they immigrants? Yeah. Okay, and Ronnie Chang did a joke, I saw him on his Netflix. Yeah, I heard you just in Hawaii. So he had a Netflix,

and he did a joke about Asian immigrants being cheap. And he's like, my mom's never left Singapore, she's cheap as fuck. What do you find is the immigrant experience? Well, I guess it's like, how much of this is because it's Asians in America, or is it just an immigrant experience or is it an Asian experience?

You know what I mean? Like how do you decouple what's what and how does it influence your life? And I also think there's somebody who said for like your parents' geography and how that influences your spirit. Just like I just had an Irish comedian, Tommy Tarrin, here. We were just talking about like being Irish and what the history of Ireland and what it does to you.

Growing up, I didn't think about it at all. It wasn't even a thought. I was, you know, I had, growing up in an immigrant house, it was like, yeah, my parents. Where did your parents emigrate from? From Korea. And they came in the late 60s, early 70s. And for me, it was just, it was just like, yeah, my parents are cheap.

I don't really think about why they were, you know, we just, it seemed to never have enough money for anything that I'd want. I also think like I'm cheap. Like, I don't. Yeah. And to me, and that wasn't, you know, I grew up in a really diverse neighborhood and with, and all my friends were like every race.

It was almost like idyllic in certain ways. And, but all of our parents were cheap. Yeah. You know, like, so it wasn't really a thought. It wasn't until I got to UCLA where I found myself immersed in this Asian-American community, you know, and I would see the connections and the experience, shared experiences

and learn about the history, and then I'd get a deeper insight into my parents, you know, because I didn't really... To me, they were just my parents, you know. How would you describe the, in broad strokes, like the Korean character as expressed through your parents? Do you know what I mean? Like, is it stoic?

Is it, like, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, my dad was very, yeah, I would say, you could consider him stoic. I mean, he wasn't like a talker, you know? He wasn't a... So much of this because it's like generationally, they weren't talk.

Yeah. Yeah, he didn't share his feelings. Yeah. That just started like when this podcast started. Yeah. No, you know what I mean? Like, yeah. Yeah, and you know, like I said, he just passed away a couple months ago. How old was he? He was 84.

Yeah. And he had lung cancer. And we were going through his stuff afterwards. And he owned nothing. He had no possessions. Would you respect it, or is it just odd? I respect it now, where I'm at now. If I was a kid, I'd be like, what do you want? Why don't you have just anything?

But now I totally respect it. He was such a minimalist, and I don't think it was because he made the choice to be a minimalist. It was because he struggled, you know? And his way of dealing with that struggle was to not want, you know? And so we never got a sense that he wanted more, you know? It was just this very kind of zen approach to life. And going through his stuff after his death, it became even clearer, like, he just, he really valued the important things

that we all should value. Family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our phones. Yeah, yeah, our phones. Internet porn. Yeah. All that, all that stuff.

Upload speeds. Yeah, so, and you probably thought it was like square and corny until you're 30 and you're like, that's fine, you guys got something? I think it's cool. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's cool. What was your mom like?

My mom was, she was more, I guess, assimilated than my dad in the sense that she, you know, she had co-workers and she would hang out with those co-workers sometimes and she. Friends. She had friends. She had a social life. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, my dad had friends, but he rarely saw them, you know, and whereas my mom had, you know, she'd go on trips without my dad, cause my dad would, you know, not want to go, you know, so my mom would just go off on her own and. Cheat on him. And cheat on him, yeah.

Have to, it's a girl's trip. Yeah, so she was more, I would say, the, in a lot of ways, the face of our family, like the public face of our family, you know? Yeah, yeah, whereas my dad was- She was the diplomat. Yeah, she was the diplomat, my dad was just the workhorse, you know, and yeah, that was the dynamic.

Who do you find yourself more similar to? I think my dad, I think my dad, yeah, yeah. I'm kind of, I mean, I'm not like a minimalist like him because I have money, you know? So like, you know, I like money, you know, so like, you know, I there I like things Yeah, but but I also have a real kind of conscious Acknowledgement and belief that these things mean nothing. Yeah, you know, yeah, yeah, you need to get them I need to get them. Yeah, just so I can what are you what are you buying? What did you know? You've ever bought I mean I I just bought like a nice car. Got it. And this is like a few

months back. Yeah. And I've never had like a real nice car. What'd you get? I got a BMW. I mean it's not even to me that's like yeah I can't believe I bought a BMW. Yeah. It was such a big deal. What were you driving before? This is a RAV4. Okay. Which is a great car. No, no, no. Take nothing away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From the whole Toyota family.

Incredible car. They really do great stuff. Very reliable. Of course. Resale pretty good. Oh my gosh, I got a great resale value on that. Fantastic. Yeah, yeah.

Your dad's smiling. Yeah. Okay, so your first block is anxiety. Yeah, yeah. Always? You know, not to a point where it really affected my day to day until the pandemic. Yeah, that's when I started,

it really started to affect my day to day Well, that seems more like your mom If I may if I do you don't remain like yes It does it meaning like if you wanted to socialize more or you how do what do you think it was? No, it was it was You know, I think it was just existential dread. Uh know, and it was, it was during, uh. One of the best dreads there. Oh gosh.

It was in October, 2020, uh, pandemic, uh, election. Everything was happening. I was on social media at the time. I've since left social media. There's correct. Yeah. And, uh, and I was just immersed in my phone. I was very glued to the election, uh, uh, and, and, uh,

and one, uh, night, I just started, I couldn't breathe. I just couldn't breathe. And I, not only that, but I had to keep moving my body for some reason. I couldn't sit down, I couldn't lay down, I had to keep moving. And so I was just pacing around the house, my wife was like, what's going on? I was like, I don't know, I don't know.

But it felt bad. It felt bad. It lasted all night. Could you sleep? No, I didn't sleep. And it pretty much went on for the next two weeks, every night throughout the day, continuous. And I didn't eat that whole two weeks.

I didn't sleep that whole, I felt like I was losing my mind. And I'd call my doctors, I'd try to get, you know, try to get help. My doctors were like, it's a panic attack. I was like, this is not a panic attack. This is like so much more important than that. Yeah. This is like, this is like continuous. Yeah.

And then one, uh, morning I just blacked out. I just blacked out because I was dehydrated. I wasn't sleeping. Were you standing or sitting? I was standing. I, uh, I wasn't sleeping. Were you standing or sitting? I was standing. I just fell into a shelf in our house. And this metal shelf, I bent the metal shelf, came out of blacked out, there's blood all over me.

Who was there? No one was there. Okay. No one was there, yeah. So did somebody find you or you came to? I came to, called my wife, who was So did somebody find you or you came to? I came to, called my wife who was- How long do you think you were out for?

I don't even know, I don't know. I think it was, I think I was out for like, maybe like half a minute. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The blood wasn't like caked and dried. No, no, it was fresh. Okay, great. It was fresh, yeah. And I rushed to the hospital, still feeling like,

and I remember talking to the doctor, I could barely talk because I was still in the middle of a panic attack, you know. They didn't know what to do, called up every doctor I knew, called up Dr. Ken, Ken Jung. Maybe the worst doctor you could have. Yeah.

And he kind of, he was such a great friend of mine, Ken Jeong. Maybe the worst Dr. Yee. And he kind of, he was such a great friend. He helped me so much. He just kind of got me into in connection with the right people. And immediately, you know, I started working with this team who, and it had, you know, I had developed some sort of panic disorder during that time and got on the right medication, started seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist,

started, you know, and I would say it took me like half a year to kind of get back to feeling normal after that. And did you stop taking meds? No, no. You still take them? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And they, do you mind taking them?

It's fine. Yeah, it's like, people are like, what are you doing, you don't notice. Yeah, yeah, I don't even know what to think about that. What's the downside? I don't know what's happening. But yeah, so that really was, I never experienced anything like that before.

How do you undo existential dread? For me, it was make my life small. You know, make everything small. Uh, just the people around me, my friends, just really focus on my family and just be in the moment, you know, all those things, you know, meditate twice a day, exercise a lot more, be open and. Be open and honest about things. Don't keep things to myself. Don't feel a sense of stigma for any of this.

This is just, you know, it's just, it happens and it's human, you know. Ear infection. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, gross for going in the ocean. It's like, oh. Yeah. So that just made it more like kind of taking it in stride

or just accepting it and going like, this is where I am I'm not gonna judge myself for. Yeah, yeah, but I think, you know, I've always felt for myself like naturally, and I wonder if this is for everybody. I think we were all meant to keep things small, you know, like that's our natural kind of, you know, comfort state.

Like the amount of people that study of like, you're only, up until 100 years ago, you would only meet, you would only know so many people in your, that live near, you couldn't travel far. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So you would just like know the village. Yeah, and the village helps you. know so many people that live near you couldn't travel far. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So you just like know the village. Yeah, and the village helps you.

And we're built for that. Yeah, and we help each other. You know, it's kind of just kind of, and it being in our business, it gets complicated. Because the villagers are so toxic. Yeah, so, you know, for me, it didn't, because I've always felt like that that was my natural comfort zone, it felt even more right to kind of just pare things down,

stop things like social media. Do you feel, do you look at it as your body going like, yo, this is fucked up, I can't do this anymore? Totally, totally, yeah, yeah. It was very physical. I mean, you know, when you're sick, you do something about it, you know? And that's what it was.

Has it affected your, I'm assuming it affected your family life in a positive way. Yeah, yeah. Has it affected the professional stuff in any kind of way? Yeah, yeah, I think so. What do you think it's been?

I think it's been better for me, you know? I mean, it almost seems- Keeping it in proportion or, cause it's not like you're not ambitious, right? Or is it more reasonable ambition? Yeah, it's a very conscious, you know, I feel like in our business and probably in life in general for everybody, it's like you want to,

you want to have gratitude for what you have, but you also want to be hungry, right? And like it's almost like... Good luck with the balance. Yeah. How can you be both? Right? So it's a very conscious, like, when I start feeling like I'm starving, remember what, you know, I've trained my mind to kind of click into, okay, remember all these great things you have, all these dreams that you know, I've trained my mind to kind of click into, okay, remember all these great things you have, all these dreams that you had that you've accomplished, all these things, you know,

and yeah, there's more, but don't forget this, you know? Yeah. Yeah, and whenever I get too comfortable, it's like, oh wait, remember, there's things to do, you know, there's this work to do, and it's that constant, like, just don't get, stay in the middle as much as possible. Yeah. Yeah. And were you not doing that before?

Were you hungrier or more mono? I think around the time when those panic attacks kicked in, I mean, definitely career was a part of that and I think I was kind of stressed out about my career at that time. I don't remember why exactly, but that's always like in the mix. It's what's great about life is you get existential dread

about things that you eventually forget. I don't know what I was upset about, but it was so important that a couple years later, I have no idea what it was. It's so embarrassing. Yeah, totally. You have wanting to be liked here as a block. Yeah, yeah, this desire to be.

Is that from early, is that early memory? Wanted to be liked? Yeah, very much so, I think. But even more so as I got older, especially in this business, you know, fear of offending people, fear of, you know, any kind of uncomfortable kind of dynamic, you know?

Just wanting everything to be like. What was the interview? Please remember, Kim Jong-un is a master manipulator. I have a gift for you. Oh, oh, this dog is killing me with cuteness. He's a crazy cute. Talk about not offending people. You know, that didn't affect me so much, oddly.

I believe that. I could see it as, it must have felt, if you don't remember, they made a movie, pre-played, I believe you played Kim Jong-un, right? And then James Franco went to murder him, and then, you know who didn't like it? It was Kim Jong-un. Yeah, and then James Franco went to murder him and then, you know who did like it, it's Kim Jong-un. Yeah, yeah. And no one saw it coming.

Hacked Sony, they ended up not releasing the movie very much, et cetera, et cetera. But I would assume, I remember talking to Evan Goldberg, one of the writers about it, and he was like, I think it was just weird. Yeah, yeah. I mean, there was like, for me, there was like a little bit of heartache,

especially, you know, once everything kind of blew up and in the sense that in my head, I had built it up so much. This was kind of gonna be your shot? Kind of, because it was like a little. Had you done Fresh on the Boat yet? No. Oh, okay, so then, yeah.

Well, we shot, they kind of happened simultaneously, but we shot the interview, and then I booked Fresh Off the Boat, and by the end of the shooting the first season, before the show even came out, the interview came out. Or not, or didn't come out. Yeah. I didn't think Fresh Off the Boat would do anything. I thought we were gonna shoot a season that was going to not go on.

Yeah. I really believe that because at the time there were no Asians, Asian families on TV. I was like, the country's not going to tune in. How many are there now? I don't know. Not many. I have probably two shows maybe.

Uh, but, um, uh, but yeah, in my head, you know, I had heard so much feedback, you know, from Seth and Evan and from, you know, my reps were getting feedback from the studio. They're just like, oh my God, they're like, this is gonna be big for you, you know. And I liked the movie. Yeah, I never saw it.

Oh, okay. I didn't wanna get murdered. I hope you understand. That's right, no, I understand. So when all of it kind of fell apart, it was a bit of a heartache for me, you know? But as far as the controversy of it all, it didn't, it wasn't like I was getting death threats

or you know, like that. Okay, good, so you didn't, but did you feel like thwarted? Did you feel like some fate, fatalistic, like why can't I, this was my shot. Yeah, yeah, a little bit of that. Do you feel a little sorry for yourself or some version of that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. How long did that last? So fresh out the boat came out? Yeah, yeah, probably a few months. Yeah, I was like, they fucked me, stupid Kim Jong-un. Why do, why, this is Asian hate, this is inter-Asian hate. Yeah, have a sense of humor. People want to kill you, deal with it. Okay, but my thing with someone like wanting to be liked, what's the

downside for you? Because you are very likable, right? It's working. You're a very easy person to be around. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the downside? I don't know. Well, do you feel like you're abandoning yourself sometimes? Like by being affable or being... That would be my worry. No, no, I don't.

I don't. I mean, I feel like I am who I am, and I don't really like, you know, I'm old now, or older, so I don't, I don't, I mean, I feel like I am who I am and I don't really like, you know, I'm old now, or older, so I don't, I think maybe those questions were more. Is it like about, like, do you ever find yourself like, I wish I could do X, but I'm not going to, to remain employable, likable? No, no, nothing like that.

I think it's, here's an example. Playable, likeable? No, no, nothing like that. Here's an example. It's like, I don't like going to like parties, especially like industry parties. And one of the big fears for me, and this is like so trivial, but for me, it's like a thing. I forget people's names. You know, I don't know if I've ever, if Ali told you, anytime I direct something, everyone wears name tags.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone. Yeah, yeah. Cause I don't remember, I haven't met most of them. And I don't understand how I'm supposed to remember 55 names. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I understand that.

Yeah, but for me, it fills me with anxiety to come into a party where it is someone I met. Maybe it's someone I even had dinner with. Hooked up with, I'm kidding. Maybe. And the dread of having, you know, like, uh, you know, and, and clearly know them knowing in my head that I don't remember their

name and, and you know, nothing ever comes of it. But in my, I just don't want to offend people like that and, and, and have them hate me. Stay home and have a panic attack. Why not? So yeah, so it's like things like that where it's like I shouldn't care. Yeah. Because I think people are understanding

and ultimately, and they don't care, I don't think, some people do. Were your parents, what was the discipline like? My mom was the disciplinarian in a lot of ways in terms of like, what was the discipline like growing up? My mom was the disciplinarian in a lot of ways in terms of like physical discipline, you know? Which was a thing they used to do. Yeah. And my dad was, I mean, when he'd yell,

it was like the scariest thing, but he never like hit us or anything like that. Yeah, yeah, but that was the dynamic. So it doesn't seem like it's born out of some like, oh, don't hit, like you just wanna be a decent person. And I would also think, when did you start having kids? Mid, later thirties. So you had a pretty good living setup by that,

by the time you started having kids? I mean, yeah, we were doing okay, yeah. But that's gotta be, once it's tied to supporting your family, all this stuff, it's like, I understand how people become like company men or women. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you've got dependents.

Yeah, but yeah, I mean, I bristle at that idea of being a company man. Of course. But ultimately, that is kind of it. You just want, you know, you want everything to be kind of, you know, nice and- Yeah, you also wanna be able to make a living to support your family.

Yeah, yeah. I don't think, I get you wanna be likable. Yeah, yeah. It's important, especially if you need to keep working for money to send your kids to God. Yeah, but for me, again, it's not like a very conscious thing. No, of course not. But the idea of someone hating me,

like it's just like, I don't feel comfortable with that. And I know people hate me, you know? Like you can't- You think people hate you? I mean, you can't do what we do and not have people, strangers, Right. just like, hate you for some reason, right?

Yeah. It's just, it's a numbers thing, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Like 25% of people are just gonna reject you out of hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just because you have a face that they don't like or whatever reason, you know? Yeah, you have a very pleasant face. Oh, thanks.

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but it's a cool thing anyway. When you shop at Uncommon Goods you're supporting artists and small independent businesses all over the world. Many of their handcrafted products are made in small batches, so shop now before they sell out this holiday season. To get 15% off your next gift go to uncommongoods.com slash blocks. That's uncommongoods.com slash BLOCKS for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods. We're all out of the ordinary. All right, here's one, Fear of Success. Yeah, I think that's, that I definitely deal with. What is that, guilt?

Is it why me? Is it, do you think it's part of being Asian in a minority Asian country? Like what do you think that is? Well, you know what, I should clarify. For me, it's not necessarily fear of success, but it's fear of overblown success. Real, like big stardom. Like the rock or something?

Yeah, or even like, I feel like I'm at a very nice- Is Ali on the cusp of Too Famous To You? Oh, yeah, yeah. Interesting. Yeah, she's, I mean, she's, Allie is... She's so... She's, I can't, if she's changed, it's 3%. She's so grounded.

Yeah. You know, she's so grounded and she's able to exist in that. Yeah. You know, that realm. I mean, for me, it's like, I don't know if I could exist in that realm without losing myself. I think for a woman getting famous, I think like the temptations are...

And also she has kids and it's like, I just think what's she gonna do with it? Yeah, yeah. And it's not like she gonna, what's she gonna do with it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? It's not like she's gonna be on a boat with a bunch of dudes. Yeah, yeah. I mean, ultimately the life isn't that much different.

Yeah. And she'd rather be a good mom than anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I know I'd be the same. Yeah. I'd wanna be a good mom. Mom. But I would, I think it goes back to also the wanting to be liked, you know?

It's just so much more noise. And so much more. Oh yeah, it's also like resentable. Yeah. She's lucky in that, if someone resented Allie, I'd be like, something's wrong with you. Yeah. There are people that are successful

that if somebody resented them, I'd be like, I can see why you'd resent that. But she also, the amazing thing about her and that I really respect and am inspired by is she really knows herself. So she really like, saying no isn't an issue for her. For me, there's always a little internal battle before I can say no, you know, like,

do you really wanna say no? Oh, you feel guilty. Do you really? Yeah. The social, yeah. Yeah. Ali loves saying no. Yeah, yeah.

That's her favorite word. That's like a superpower to me. Yeah. Yeah. Well, she knows, weirdly to your dad's thing, Ali doesn't seem to want, she knew what she wanted before. It's like, I saw her after the Emmys, and I was like, what are you gonna do with, Ali doesn't seem to want, she knew what she wanted before. It's like, I saw her after the Emmys and I was like,

what are you gonna do with, and she was like, I don't wanna do anything. She was like, I just wanted to stand up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, great. Totally. You're great at it, people love watching you do it, you don't have to inconvenience yourself.

Yeah, yeah. Whereas within myself, I feel like whenever I get something, I'm like, I should now. Totally. It's like, I owe it to, you know what I mean? Like, I owe it to David Lee Roth to do something extravagant. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I mean, that's where racism is on your side. Totally. Because, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean, that's where racism is on your side. Totally. Because, you know what I mean? Totally, yeah. You're not racially ambiguous enough for that level, for the rock level. Yeah, that's right, that's right. Yeah, and I always say, like, you know,

to friends, it's like, it's great. It's actually a blessing to be able to walk around and have a lot of people just think, oh, this is just another Asian guy, you know? Yeah, I mean, yes, and sure, and like, you get, to paraphrase Ali, you get good tables on Sautel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you get good ramen, you get, you know, close enough.

It's great. Then you walk outside, put on a hat, and it's like, oh, I don't know who that is. Get out of the way. Yeah, yeah. How are, where are you with racism? Just out of curiosity. Where am I with racism?

Yeah, how do you feel about it? What's been your arc with racism? My arc was, I didn't really think too much about it growing up, again, very diverse. Because you grew up, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I mean, we would talk about it and joke about it and make fun of each other as races and stuff like that,

but it was all just friendly, just friends. And then got to college, UCLA, found this kind of community, learned a lot about Asian-American history, other histories, and got a lot more, I guess, motivated by, you know, wanting to do my part. Uh, avenge? Uh, maybe a little bit of that. But I don't, I think that's natural. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Like, fuck you. Yeah, yeah. Uh, and then going into- Watch me act. Yeah. And then going into this industry, uh, uh, uh, industry, still carrying that a little bit and wanting to, you know, be a part of some kind of change, you know, but then also wanting to just work,

yeah, you know, wanting it to be irrelevant. And finding that often butting heads, you know, and also learning, you know, especially pursuing something like this is, you know, being overly conscious of racism, sometimes it's an anchor, you know, it kind of holds you down. You know, if you're always thinking about that, you want to be free and you want to be creative and you want to, you know, and all that stuff was a part of me, you know, so that there was always going to be a little bit of an

anger and a little bit of a, you know, wanting to help change things. But at the same time, not holding on onto it so much that it becomes everything, you know? Yeah. And taking jobs based on representation, and how to look and did it. Yeah, and really kind of more just like kind of being in tune to myself and what's right and wrong to me, as opposed to what might be wrong to,

or right to the community or to, you know, and feeling like, oh, well, my internal barometer is, yeah, the community plays a part in that, but then also all these other life experiences play a part in that and just kind of navigating things through that experience, you know. There is, the older I get, the more I'm like, I don't know, I understand it. I understand where, I understand like they are different.

Any like, even the history of Asia is smaller colonialism. You know what I mean? And like, I think people are just kind of greedy. And are looking to go like, looking for any reason to justify their own selfishness yeah yeah yeah yeah and so it becomes like even I just am like I don't know what how if a country's 50 I don't know what the numbers 55% white or whatever and then yeah 15% black and 50 minute like I don't know how, this is the most successful version of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? Like America is racist as America is. We're doing better than everyone. Yeah. And kind of the only country that's even trying sees it as a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally, totally. So you know what I mean?

Like, oh, we should try to not do this. Yes, yeah. Like, are we gonna put all of our efforts to it? Absolutely not. Yeah, yeah. But we like understand that- And we're conscious of it. Yeah. You know, and that's crazy.

Yeah. Because I think when I first started in the industry, the industry wasn't even conscious of it, really. I mean, a little bit, you know, but hardly. Yeah, there was like the scene in Do the Right Thing. Chit, I got good price for you you now catch it. How I'm doing of uh With Steve Park, what's this? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was a great scene. Yeah. Yeah And then he was on a living color a little bit. That's right. That's right

Knockout poison you see I told you you get good night's sleep one way or another with a ninja security system! But we used to do awful Asian shit and shit about it, like... The Asian delegation chooses... The RZA, the JIZZA, the God Inspector Dex Force-based killer, the Wu-Tang Clan! We just, it was just... Totally! Like, and it was silly. Yeah.

We thought it was silly, and we were, it was spiritually silly. Yeah, and a lot of us, you know, I wasn't doing it at that time, but we were auditioning for it because we wanted to work. Yeah. You know, and, you know, and then later we became more critical, which is good.

Yeah. And I think things have changed, and we've made so much progress. And I'm really grateful for that progress. We finished, we're done. Yeah, we're done, we solved it. But in some ways, the fact that we're even approaching it, I think is admirable as a country.

But of course, no one who's in the marginalized group can ever say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then they're a bitch ass sellout. If you go like, this is pretty, I mean, again, it's not great, but it's better than every other country. Yeah, and I think for me, like I told you, my upbringing was so diverse

and so idyllic in a way. And I think that's my natural state is to have friends of all different, you know. Here's another thing. It's fun to make fun of other people's races. Totally, totally. It's funny and fun. Yeah, and it's-

It doesn't mean I don't want you to vote. Yeah. It just means I noticed that you do something differently and I'm gonna shit on it now. Yeah, exactly. And there's a, yeah. And I'm going to shit on it now. Yeah, exactly. And it, and there's a, yeah. And I feel like that's where I want to be. Yeah.

You know, and, and it goes back to keeping things small and keeping things kind of very village oriented. And, uh, so when I do get kind of bogged down over, again, I always have to check myself, you know, when, when I get bogged down over the industry's racism, it's like, okay, but always have to check myself. You know, when I get bogged down over the industry's racism, it's like, okay, but let's, let's. Do you ever get to market, do you ever get like,

well, we're only 5% of the population, how much catering is smart to do to one racial group? Wait, what do you mean? Meaning, if I'm a studio, right? And if it's like, you go, well, why can't we make more crazy rotations and change it and all the stuff, if I'm a studio, I personally can understand their aversion to, because they're just,

they don't even want white people, they want people in superhero uniforms. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's take fucking white people out of it. But then if they do make white movies, it's cuz it's a country with so I'm like in and then and then they've realized like Oh, no, there's a shitload of people in Asia. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so it's all these marketing decisions and I understand I mean, it's a Ultimately, it's a business. Yeah, this whole thing is a business, and I'm very conscious of that.

And- Yeah, if squirrels could buy movie tickets, most movies would be about squirrels. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's the bottom line. So it's like, the more people in Asia that get Netflix subscriptions. Yeah, and if you have a show with, say,

an Asian American family, and if every Asian person in America is watching it it would probably be a hit but not even every Asian person in America is watching it. People in Asia probably aren't watching it so that show doesn't make it you know and that show ends and you know you could say oh this industry is racist but you kind of also. They try to. Watch it.

Yeah. They try to. They put it out. And that's where you kind of want to be, right? You want to be able to fail and be able to make another thing, you know, and not have that one failure be, okay, these people don't work on screen, you know? Well, what's funny is, yeah, that pressure must be a pain. The pressure of like, you have to select things with an upside so that, because if you fail and.

Yeah, yeah, it's that, it's that, yeah, and I think we've been kind of trained to think like that, you know, like everything that comes out, if it doesn't connect, it's kind of like, oh, what's this gonna mean for the community, you know? Yeah. Yeah, and that's real. But. But you kind of have to ignore it.

You can't think of that, and you can't make your moves with that in mind, but. You kind of have to ignore it. You can't think of that. And you can't make your moves with that in mind, because your moves have to come from a pure place. You know, like not just like, oh, we're going to make an Asian American hit so that we could keep making stuff, you know. Yeah. Then it's just K-pop.

Yeah, which you know, is great and has its place. But. But it's not like, it's not artistically enriching. For the most, I mean again, if you're young, I'm sure you've had that for a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fear of dead animals, I like this. Yeah, yeah, that's something I've had for a long time. How bad, what is, this is the first time we've had that,

as a block, what is that, exactly which ones and how afraid of them are you? And when did it begin? Any dead animal that is not like an insect. Do you cook? Yes, I do. How do you deal with carcasses? If there's not a face on it, I'm fine.

Okay. If there's a face on it, it brings up this intense, I mean, and I could feel this intense kind of fear and then it settles and I could- Fear, it's a fear, it's a small, it's a 10, 15 second. Yeah, it's like, oh my gosh, and I have this instinct to run away. Sometimes I will literally run away

in the opposite direction. If there's a dead animal on the side of the road. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If there's a bird. What if you're in a car? It'll be the same, but less. Okay. When I'll probably like swerve more than I need to, you know. When I was in middle school.

Have you seen Pet Sematary? Like is there a reanimation here? Movies are okay, you know. It's just in real life. Okay, what is it? What is it? I don't know. I don't know, but when I feel like

I have this distinct memory in middle school that has stuck with me and it could be related to that, this memory. But when I was in middle school, there was a science class and the teacher had all these aquariums all over, surrounding the class with animals in it, which was cool and fun. Living?

Living, all living, yeah. And there was one with these two snakes in it. And I remember distinctly, during the breaks we could take them out and play with them, you know. And I reached into the one with the two snakes in it. I pulled the snake out and it was half a snake. And it sent this like,

and I literally threw it and screamed and ran off. And it sent this like intense like- It was dead, I'm assuming? It was half a snake, yeah, dead. Okay. Dead, yeah. It wasn't like just the tail. Right, it wasn't like one of these snakes where they've gotten bitten

I was reaching it was in mid regeneration Yeah, no, no, it was somebody either the other snake toward in half or somebody came and just chopped the snake in half and It was so Traumatic for me. Yeah. Yeah, it was like really truly traumatic and traumatic for me. Yeah. Yeah, it was like really, truly traumatic. And ever since then, it's kind of like whenever I...

Did people laugh or it was just like weirded out? Well, I screamed out loud. So everyone was like, what happened? Oh, got it. Yeah, yeah. And then the teacher came and I don't remember exactly what happened after that, but... How was your scream?

Cause you know what I mean? You never know what your scream's gonna be like. Was it high pitched? Had your voice changed? Cause men would shout, but just shrieking is a rare one. You know, my guess, I don't remember, but my guess is extremely high pitched. Great, great, great. There might've been some of this, you know.

You know, like it was, it was, I mean, I was terrified, terrified and now every time I see like a dead squirrel Like it was, I mean, I was terrified, terrified. And now every time I see like a dead squirrel or something, that same level of terror hits me. I don't know where it stems from. I mean, it's probably from the snake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very jarring.

But it feels like a deeper thing that I haven't like dealt with because it is such an intense kind of- As you're saying this, I'm remembering my dream last night and I got bit by a cobra. Oh my God, yeah, that would be- It was scary in the dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I understand your fear of dead animals. It's also an evolutionary fear. Unless they were edible, which most probably weren't, if there's a certain amount of decay, it's useless. But didn't you always have those friends who like... Liked. Just like playing with a cat's head and you're just like, oh my God, you're crazy,

you know what, you know. Yeah, not, yeah. I had those friends and I just marvel at, you know, and other friends who see a, you know, a dead cat and think like, oh, that's sad, you know? Yeah. And meanwhile I'm just like, 10 blocks down running away.

I gotta think, I'm on your side. Okay, okay. I think you're doing the right thing. Okay, okay, okay. Morning. Yeah. M-O-U-R-N-I-N- thing. Okay, okay, okay. Morning. Yeah. M-O-U-R-N-I-N-G. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You overdo it?

No, it's just something I'm in the middle of right now. Yeah. Yeah, because my dad had passed. And what is it, what's it like? It's weird and surreal and it's surprising. I had never lost someone that close to me, you know? And at my age, it's like a lot of people lose way more people, but I've been lucky, you know?

And to, you know, my dad had lung cancer and to see him deteriorate, I mean, that was jarring. Because again, my dad was this strong, stable, you know, deep-voiced workhorse of a man, you know. And to see him lose so much weight, lose his voice, which was like the thing about him, you know, that you remember his voice, to see his voice just kind of wither away.

And to be at the hospital and to see this guy who was just such a stable presence, you know. Uh, I remember sitting with him at the hospital and he reached out, and I had never held my dad's hand since I maybe was a toddler, you know? And reaching out and holding his hand, it just felt so... weird, but also, like, beautiful,

but also, uh, awkward, and, you know? And it just felt like this mix of conflicting like feelings. What precipitated it? Was it especially like it felt like the end or he realized something or you were just there? Well, at that point he couldn't really talk that much, but it was just, he would reach out,

and I would just hold his hand, you know, and we knew his time was up, you know, and I would just hold his hand, you know, and, uh, uh, and, you know, we knew, we knew his time was up, you know, and that it was coming, but, uh, but my dad just kept, he just kept living, you know, so, so like we thought he was going to pass away, you know, way before he actually did. He just kept living and, uh, In the hospital? In the bed. In the bed, you know. You're talking about a month? A few... Like weeks. Yeah.

Weeks, you know. And he kept having to hold his hand. Oh. But was it... Do you think he thought he was close and then he held your hand and it... I think so. I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Did he look over at you? Did he yeah? Yeah

Yeah, I mean, you know he threw up until like the very close to the end You know, he was always like I'm fine. Yeah, I'm fine. Even though clearly he wasn't fine. Yeah Don't worry about me. Don't worry. You know, that was my dad. Yeah now and you know, we were we knew his time was up, but he was always just like, even when he couldn't talk, he'd always like give a thumbs up, you know, like I'm good, you know? And it was like, clearly he wasn't good, you know?

And then once he, it really kind of started feeling like he was gonna go, it was, I think, I mean, he knew it, you know? And we all knew it. And it was, yeah, it was really, the whole thing was so surreal, you know? And still surreal for me. Like, I...

Like, the passage of... a pillar. Yeah, yeah. And also, also, um, expecting to feel more, uh, uh, sadness and grief right afterwards, but then not feeling it initially. Yeah. You know, like it's as I say, I'm sure you've read none. It's nonlinear.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, uh, I'm sure you were like, what's non-linear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And... So you were like, what is wrong with me? Yeah, totally, totally. And then I was in... This was like a couple weeks later, I was in New York, walking back to my hotel,

and at this point, I hadn't really cried even, you know. And I walk past this bodega, and inside there's this elderly Asian man who worked at this bodega, just kind of sitting there, and the bodega was empty, and just sitting there kind of staring into nowhere. And it made me think of my dad, you know, because my dad had a one-hour photo business,

it was always just him in that store. And I felt like this guy is so lonely, you know? And it made me think, oh my gosh, my dad was probably like so lonely, you know? Most of his life, you mean? At least when he was working at that store. And even afterwards when, you know, like, cause again, he didn't like hang out

with his friends all the time. He didn't like, you know, he didn't like go out and have fun, you know? So, and then I just broke down. I just broke down just by myself, you know? And yeah, and to this day, it's just like, everything is so strange. Yeah, it sounds like part of what you're saying is like you wish, it's like you wish you could know,

you could have had that moment of realization about how lonely he must have been before he died. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's, you can't. Yeah, and it yeah. And it's, you can't. Yeah, and it was a lot of guilt, in terms of what could I have done to be a better son? What could I have done to just be there more? And I think, at a certain stage in my early,

in my adult life, like not even early, when I was pursuing this career and my parents were not supportive, so I would just not, I would not share anything with them. You know, I was just doing it, you know. And I think that, yeah, part of me was like, oh man, I wish I would have shared more with them, you know. What do you, with that in mind, what do you,

if you feel like you were a derelict son or whatever, whatever, in that way. Yeah, yeah. What are your expectations of your kids? Because I don't, because my bet is, you're not thinking about your kids as like what they're not doing for you. No, no, and I mean, I have one daughter

and she's on the autism spectrum and there's none, I have no, you know, I just want her to be happy. Well, maybe your dad thought you were autistic. That's a good possibility. Do you know what I mean? There is that thing of immigrant parents come to America and they make their lives better for their kids and then they make the kids feel bad about it

the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know, my guess is your dad probably didn't have sky high expectations for how you were supposed to treat him. I think you're right. I think you're right, yeah. Did he got, he got to see a good amount of your success? Yeah, yeah.

And was he impressed? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I was able, you know, I like, because he showed his love to us by like providing us with like things like my kind of instinctual response once I found success was to shower him with things you know buy him a car yeah pay off the the mortgage yeah pay off their house basically yeah you know get him a nice Rolex you know know stuff like that, you know, and and he come the stuff

He died with was all shit you gave no totally You know you get it back. We have resales good. That's right. Oh, yeah It's like those things that like I know he ultimately he didn't You know because he had to he Chose not to value those things, but once I gave him just a few things, he coveted them. He coveted them.

I'm betting he coveted them because you gave them to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he also likes to roll it. Roll it, it's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Floss, you can fucking rub it in people's face. Yeah, the club. I mean, not like you're looking for dispensation,

but that seems like you did a pretty good job. Yeah, I think in some ways, you know, but a part of me also, like, you know, I think, it's just surreal and complicated and I'm working it out. And also, you wanna talk about, you don't love death. I mean, death is not great for anybody. And the experience of parental relationships are so complicated and so rich. And then adding that to it, it's just a lot.

And it makes you think about your own mortality. Totally. And like your purpose and just it's like a it's an everything bagel. Yeah. Yeah. It's just like, yeah, it's it's the most loaded. I feel like people bring up the death of a parent as. It's it's got to be in the top three most significant things that happen to you in the world, other than the parent having a kid and threatening to kill Kim Jong-un

and then him getting upset about it. That's a big one, yeah. Yeah, it's huge for most people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. And I know that experience is gonna change me in some fundamental way, but I don't know how or in what way, I just, because I'm going through it. Yeah.

Yeah. And is it, and you said it's, there's some kind of weird about it. Yeah. Or it's uncomfortable. It's very, yeah, it's just very strange and surreal and it almost sometimes feels like a dream, like a weird dream, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. It is, it is. Yeah, yeah. Like, I think you're, I think it's a totally natural reaction. Yeah. I'm sure it doesn't make it any easier,

but like, that can be some comfort of like, fuck, it's not uncommon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you're not, there's not uncommon. Yeah, yeah. Um... Yeah. Like, you're not, there's nothing abnormal about it, but yeah, it's still... Yeah, also, he was, again, like, such a kind of, uh, a simple, uh, he led such a simple life,

and he was like, I don't want a funeral. Don't give me a funeral, you know? And, uh, I think a part of me really wanted to... eulogize him, you know, and I think a part of me really wanted to eulogize him, you know, and, and, but he really didn't want a funeral, you know? Yeah. And so a part of me wants to let the, you know, express just how incredible he was,

you know, and how incredible his life was. I don't wanna put you on the spot, but you have the floor. I'm serious, like if you wanna, it's not a huge podcast. People listen to it. Like, what was he like? Well, I mean, he was, again, such a steady, strong presence, you know, and such a good person.

He was very much about just being good to the people around you, again, keeping your world small and really cherishing that world. You know, and he had this remarkable life. You know, he immigrated from Korea, to lived in San Francisco, was a bus boy at a French restaurant. The boss loved him so much. He helped him go to France, to go to university in France, learned French, came

back to LA, and back to Korea, met my mom, came back with my mom, and just, you know, English was his third language. And he was just always loved also everywhere he went. It's like everywhere he worked, people loved him. And even when he was at the souvenir shop, I would go there and everyone in that vicinity would tell me how much they loved my dad. And I would never see this side of my dad. I never saw the wanderlust of my dad.

I never saw the, you know, how he interacted with people around him at work, you know. And I only saw the kind of, just the stoic dad, you know. And, but he, there was something, I think a bit magical about him, you know, and, but he, he, there was something, I think, a bit magical about him, you know, and, but at the same time, it was like, he kept everything so simple, you know, he didn't have any, hardly any possessions, you know, he was very much a minimalist, you know, and I don't know if it was, my guess is a lot of it

was not by choice, it was because, you know, he. Moving around a lot. Moving around, but also, you know, the one hour photo store wasn't successful, you know. It was, he invested, he bought it during the dawn of the digital age, you know. Oh, got it. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, but it, but he, he just kept at it and kept working and, and, uh, uh, and worked hard and, and, uh, um,

you know, uh, it was just, it was just like a good person who didn't harm anybody, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, you seem like a great dude I'm from what I from what I know of you. Thanks Neil appreciate it, man Thanks for watching!