Blowback - S2 Bonus 7 - "Sweet Dirty Tony's Baadasssss Song"

Episode Date: October 25, 2021

Guest Bill Corbett (Mystery Science Theater 3000, Rifftrax) and Brendan hang out and talk about some bad Cuba movies.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

We feel bad. Everything sucks. I hate movies. Welcome to Blowback. I'm Brendan James, and this is a bonus episode. number to be determined. I don't know exactly what this is going to fall in the run yet, but it doesn't really matter because this is going to be a fun one, a lighter one, because we are here with Bill Corbett of Mystery Science Theater, of Rift Tracks, and of, and a blowback now. Bill, how's it going? Good. It's good to be on Team Blowback, Brendan. Yes. You now are officially on a list somewhere in the U.S. government's archives. We have a lighter task today because Bill's here that I've been wanting to do. It's sort of a follow-up to last season.

Those who listened to season one might remember that we had an episode about Hollywood's stinkers when it came to the Iraq War, the attempts to process the Iraq War. Most of them, if not all of them, failures that we reviewed. And we thought it'd be fun to do that again for this season. We did 20 ticks and that was the best one. So we have three films here today from different eras and of differing skill levels that went into them. But we would be remiss here if we did not make note of the actual record of Cuban films

produced after the revolution, the ICAIC, the state. Film Institute that came into being after the revolution produced one of the most impressive cultural legacies of that period and onto today. It gives the lie to the American trope that communism cannot produce art. I produced lots of good art, masterpieces of film, such as Lucia by Umberto Salas. Memories of Underdevelopment is a very prominent one. And some of my personal favorites are these documentary works, these sort of collages by the director, Santiago Overez. But, you know, we... I have to say, though, memories of underdevelopment, if, like, you were doing, like, a parody

of what a communist country's film would be. Oh, yeah, yeah, very on the nose. But anyway, quite unlike those very good pieces of cinema, we're going to be talking about American attempts following the revolution years and decades after to process it. make sense of it, dramatize it. I'll leave the last one unstated for now

because real heads probably already know. Yeah, they will. But the first one, which we should just jump right into, is called the Lost City, not of Z. Tows is being attacked.

Time is not on our side. I'm leaving the country. I want you to come with me. Directed by Andy Garcia. And Andy Garcia, son of Cuban immigrants, I believe his father was a lawyer. As we've talked about on the show, this is a very important thing in the socioeconomic history of Cuba and how people tend to come down on the revolution. It was a class war. That's what it was. So it seems remiss not to point out that Garcia's family grew up kind of typical middle class professional type.

as we just mentioned regarding memories of underdevelopment, that did not always mean you left the country, but many did, especially in those early years. And so post-revolution, I believe his family ended up owning and running in the States a very lucrative perfume or fragrance business. So there's a clue there of how the revolution will be portrayed in this film. Very charitably. And this is from 2005. It's worth pointing out. It's just a mere decade and a half ago. Yes. And it's, we're going to go in one hint maybe about where we're going from the, from here to the next two is this is the most recent that we'll be looking at. We're going in reverse chronological order. And I had never heard of it. Had you ever heard of this film?

Not a bit, which is surprising. It's interesting. Larded with some real stars. Well, let's talk about that. Before we get to the plot, there's, there's a pretty interesting cast. I will say that Dustin Hoffman, who is billed, is in it for about five minutes. He's not really in the main cast. But he plays Meyer Lansky, who is definitely a character in our season that, you know, is interesting to see him portrayed. We have Bill Murray,

who is comic relief character. Yeah. Who lifts you out of the... Does he? Well, he's meant to. We'll see how successful that is. And I do believe that he... Yeah, he is based on the screenwriter,

I think. We'll get to that. Many actors who are Cuban Americans themselves. You have the great, so there you have the great Stephen Bauer, who's in a lot of stuff. People might know him most recently from Breaking Bad. Don Aladio. He's Don Aladio, where he plays a Mexican cartel drug lord, but I believe he is Cuban. And so in this film, he plays a Batista officer, who gets a raw deal. He gets other Cuban-American actors. We have Thomas Milian, Nestor Carbonell, and Enrique Murciano. And much like with Garcia, you can see. see in this cast. You know, if you go, if you go look them up, you can see from their biographies

evidence of a socioeconomic factor as a part of this production. So it's interesting seeing that, but then, of course, we have Andy Garcia, the director, and I'll say this, I love Andy Garcia. Yeah. He also did the music for the film, which, you know, interested me as a fellow egomaniac who puts his own music in his own work. And I enjoyed the music. It was a little generic, but it's nice. His character plays piano sometimes, and I think that's probably really him. So we've been a little charitable so far, but now we should probably say the essential trait of this one, I think, is it's just schlock. It's not unwatchable, and compared to later films in this episode, we can't say

that it's unwatchable because that's not fair. It's just really, really corny, would you say? I would say, yeah, the cinematography can be beautiful, some of the cabaret numbers in his club. He's just a man who wants to make music. That is all that matters. Those nightclub owners in Havana were just trying to bring music to the world. Yeah.

And pure, pure, you know, soulful entertainment. Pure love of the art. And, yeah, there's even a, you're introduced to Meyer Lansky, aka Dustin Hoffman, by him saying, hey, why don't we put a little gambling in there? He's like, no, only the music. The weird thing is, it starts off almost threatening to be sort of complex.

It's very much a family-centered film when they have Andy and his two brothers, both of whom are really political. And he's just like, music, music, music, I don't care about anything else. Right. And I care about the family, the family, the family. If change is going to come to our country, we always put family first. And then their dad is like some kind of professor. Yes, he's like the aloof intellectual. He's an intellectual.

And he is, even at some point, like, makes a tip of the hat to Gandhi and, you know, Satchagraha. But the two brothers are fiery. And one is a Castro follower and the other one is a just a student revolutioner. Let's jump into it now because you're laying out the beginning of the film, which is exactly that. It's smacks you right in the face that this is going to be a story about a family. And that's how a lot of these sort of historical dramas, the by the numbers way to do it is let's look at a family and they're torn in different directions apply history see what happens yeah and then some will go this way and some will go that way so that's the path they take that's fine it's 1957 uh in havana and andy garcia plays fico this is we'll probably shift in and out of calling him fico and and that that's who he plays i plan on just calling him andy and you you guys must know each other in show business oh yeah yeah yeah holly weird we've talked all about this movie yeah he's a little

He's a nightclub owner whose family is torn about the revolutionary energy that is starting to come to a head in Cuba around this time. As you mentioned, his father is an intellectual. He's for gradual parliamentary change. If we want to change the status quo, we must go about it in a democratic way. And then the brothers, one openly and one more covertly, are revolutionaries. The older brother, who's played by Carbonell. He's the picture of the more American-approved revolutionary.

He doesn't like Fidel. He actually already suspects Fidel as a communist because he's hanging out with folks like Gavara and Celia Sanchez. These are names that our listeners

can remember from this season. And Carbonell's group wants democracy. We're no longer associated. We have our own ideas for Cuban and pluralism.

Restoration of the 1914. orderly constitution, you know, democracy. That's what Fidel says he wants. Sure, that's what he says, but he can't be trusted. You think he's a communist? This is where it gets, now it's getting turned into kind of sound bitey stuff. But you understand that because it's a complex story. You have to boil down for people.

But Murciano, the younger one, is the more braddy. He's the younger, bradier kid who's an idealist with a very simplistic idea of what happens after a revolution. Yes. Is revolution? Revolution? Revolution, yes. I just can't believe it.

A son of mine that would support the random violence of revolution. You better start believing it. And he's downright bloodthirsty the way he's mouthing off to the patriarch of the family, exactly. And his brother, who's more of a, he sort of represents the Paix, the, you know, the farming class, I guess. Exactly, yes, yes. It's a tobacco farmer. And that'll be a scene later on. Oh, won't it.

So then Andy Garcia is, as you mentioned, he's just, he just wants to run his damn small business, you know. Yeah. Get these big ideas about politics. I'm just a simple man trying to make my way in the universe. And as Django Fett once said. And he loves music. I don't think we can emphasize that enough. He freaking loves a particular instrument, which we'll get to.

He just cannot stop loving that, that one sound. Yep. But, yeah, so Andy Garcia plays that guy. And in the beginning, there's a scene that, again, very warmed over godfather. where the young braddy revolutionary is mouthing off and being just disrespectful we're kind of not supposed to like him already seems that way i have to say i took away a slightly different brand i mean yeah he's clearly a hothead but it feels like this part of the movie is still nodding towards like yeah he might have a point like they put some decent arguments in his mouth you're right you're lucky

you're on the other side of the room i feel lucky that i'm on the other side of the room because it probably stinks on that side of the room. Please. Happy anniversary. You are too much. Did I forget to say that? Happy anniversary? Just watch them out.

What? You've been watching it the whole time. Keep watching it. Everybody thinks he's a pain in the ass. And, you know, like Andy is like, how do you do this in front of the family? That's the point. Garcia is like, why, yeah. I hear one more word of disrespect coming out of your mouth.

I'm going to deal with it personally. Do you understand me? What? You understand what I just said to you? I understand. You listen to your father? when he's speaking to you and you show respect.

You want me to come over there? Okay. You want me to come over there? You come over. You're a little lady. I'll put you through the window you're talking the way to your dad. So, yeah, that lays the

landscape for the different political threads that this film is going to try to cover. Meanwhile, Fico, he's friends with Bill Murray, the writer, I guess his character's name is. That is all you get. The writer. He's a mercurial sort of Greek chorus type character, right?

I think it is a really failed device. I mean, yeah, I think they mean him as a Greek chorus. You could say he's Hemingway-ish or something like that, but he's just Bill Murray. And they basically gave him license to goof around. And it is so at odds with everything around him. It doesn't really work. And we should mention, I meant to say this earlier,

Apparently, he is supposed to be modeled off of the screenwriter of the film, Guillermo Cabrera Infante. And we should say that Infante is actually quite a celebrated Cuban author. He was originally participating in the Revolution, and then a couple years in, and actually in the Cuban Film Institute, but a couple years in, after knowing personally Fidel, he was friendly with Fidel, something, I haven't done too much research into why, but he ended up ditching it and became sort of one of those representations of someone who was once enthusiastic and is now disillusioned because nothing good came out of it. And in fact, those who heard our previous episode on a little bit about the Congress for Cultural Freedom and the CIA and U.S. government's attempts to astroturf, literary, and artistic fronts against communism, Infante was one of the contributors to the CIA-run magazine. magazines in Latin America.

So he's the screenwriter of this film. So it's no slouch on a literary level. It's very weird because I guess the guy, I didn't know much about him, honestly. He has a reputation of being a really accomplished and complex novelist, like a real artist. Yeah.

This is a terrible screenplay. This is not him at the top of his game. I mean, not only structurally, but storytelling wise, but just like moment to moment. It's Andy Garcia having such artistic control. He probably just took it and did what he wanted with it. That's how it works there, you know.

Yeah, because it's hard to imagine some of these lines coming from such a prominent author. What you need is a little evolution, not revolution. CIA sponsored or not. You'd want to do it a little bit slicker and a little bit better. Yeah, a little better. So anyway, I think that Bill Murray character is kind of a self-portrait from what I glanced at. It is very weird, though, because Bill Murray is every inch the American. There's nothing, you know, and he doesn't really specifically comment in any valuable way.

He just farts around. So Fico likes Bill Murray's character, who is a roaming, roving novelist or poet or comedy. Even that is not defined. Yeah, he's just a writer. Where have you been? Where have I been? Perico, remember your appointment. Don't forget your dancing shoes.

You're going to need them. Oh Rodney Myestro Oh, never mind And then he gets visited by Meyer Lansky played by Justin Hoffman And so we're set up to understand Okay, there's some actually some

Insavory elements in this In this Sex and Drugs Industry that Anthony Garcia is wrapped up in And that is represented by Lanski So about 40 minutes in The setup is clear Cuba Is a beautiful but troubled island Under the Thumb of a nasty

dictator who we'll talk about in a second. And different families in Cuba, specifically in this film, the wealthy families. We don't really meet anyone who is working class. Not a bit. That might be because they overwhelmingly supported the revolution. But who knows? So we meet Batista around that time. Finally. And he's depicted certainly as a venal nasty guy. And the film is in its first third. It's very deliberate in showing you how bad things are under Batista. Although Batista's U.S. connections are, I think, basically unmentioned. I don't remember a bit about them. I was trying to keep an eye out because I thought, well, they're probably going to play it down, but I don't even think they bring it up.

No, the closest you get is Meyer Lansky, who just seems like an independent operator, you know, just like traipses through the nightclub. And the mafia, we're told in this first act, when things start to go south, blows up Andy Garcia's girlfriend, who's not a very fleshed out character at that point, but we're supposed to care. She's much, much less fleshed out after being blown up. Then you have Andy Garcia's brother, the one who doesn't like Fidel, but is a revolutionary. He dies in what was a real event, a storming of Batista's presidential palace.

He shot down with a bunch of other people. Andy Garcia is racked with sadness and anger over his brother's death and to a lesser extent his girlfriend's death, which again, they should have kind of picked. Now we meet Stephen Bauer. Yeah. Who's a Batista officer who's friendly with Fico. They went to a prep school together or something, something very, you know, upper middle class. I think is what they say. Sure. And this guy is, in reality, would be one of the people hunting down the students and guerrilla fighters, you know, between cocktail parties. But we just see the cocktail party scene here. here. And he's sympathetic, you know. And Stephen Bowers, a sympathetic actor. He's got a nice smile and he's charismatic guy. Charming. Here's the sticking point with a movie, with a Hollywood approach like this, is you want to tell a story about a big historical event, but you need to tell it through individual arcs and characters. That's the prison of, of the medium, sure. And that's

pretty tricky to do without making everything kind of trite and boring. So, you know, there's his lines at this point where you're starting to, it's very syrupy dialogue like his dad tells him there's a there's a chess move that that's actually just staying put is the move. Right, right. That's a convenient way to handle a story where your protagonist isn't actually doing anything. Right. Because Andy Garcia's got to be the passive man who just caught up in history. Uh, you know, even in, in trying to be nuanced, it's, it's a weird rally and cry, just don't do anything. And that'll be smart. I think you're, it's, you're so on to something with, like, the point of view you tell it from is all.

you know, because of course you can see an individual family that seems more or less decent, just racked by this wave of historical stuff, but they were very comfortable. And like they, as you have said on the podcast and even here, it's like those were not the people suffering, you know? And nobody from that point of view at all is shown in this movie. So, so at this point, we are introduced to Che Guevara, you know, about a third of the way into the movie, played by another Cuban-American actor, Hesu Garcia. He was great in this part. But it's interesting the portrayal of Che, wouldn't you say?

He's portrayed more or less as a bloodthirsty thug. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who savors executing people with a smile on his face. It is mustache, literal mustache. You know, I think there's literally a scene where he says, my philosophy is the ends justify the means. Yep, straight out. Multiple times.

In an insurrection, the end justifies the means. Like I said, the end justifies the means. It's a cartoonish portrayal. Although I agree with you. The actor, he's got charisma. In a good, in a better portrayal of that historical figure. Yeah, I think that's supposed to be again, this is what a lot of conservative takes on that historical event do, is it's iconoclasm.

It's supposed to be like, hey, you guys have had Cheon T-shirts for decades. We want to show him as something else. One can understand, you know, wanting to bring other actors. aspects into a historical person's personality. But it is not historically accurate that Che was like cackling as he was executing people. It was actually a very austere guy. He also sneers at our boy, Andy, for being like a pussy artist, basically. Yes. Yes. You tinkled the guy every he's just like. Yes. Batista leaves. It's kind of abrupt. When Batista is actually overthrown, I kind of thought it would be a set piece. And it's just like it cuts to him leaving on a

plane and then it gets announced at some ball that Andy Garcia is at. And Stephen Bauer's like, oh, I got to duck out, you know. Yeah. And then that's it. And they get to the executing. And then it's just, yeah, and that, this is the halfway point. Then it's newsreel of Fidel rolling through Havana and Batista's guys getting executed. This leads to a scene where Andy Garcia learns that Stephen Bauer is in the docks, you know, ready to be executed. So he goes to see his younger brother again, and guess what? Now his younger brother is sporting a horrible fake beard and is a dyed-in-the-wall castroid. And this was the one who we talked about before, who was brady. Yeah. And who didn't seem to really understand what entails violence,

you know, in a revolution... Wouldn't you know what the scenes in which the revolutionaries are, you know, executing these war criminals, which is, as we discussed in the show, what happened, are presented far, far more brutally than anything that happened in... Aren't some of them archival? Like, don't they show real footage? I don't know if some of that was dressed up at to look like it was old footage, but yeah, there was some,

and, you know, it looks like what you see at that time. But I'm thinking about the Stephen Bauer in a cage with blood all over his face. Look at Stephen Bauer, like with teeth missing and his face smeared in gore. Yeah, the wave of savagery. They're definitely going for, like, this is getting worse. So Andy Garcia sits down with Che,

and this is the scene you just mentioned, where he's a big meanie who just killed Stephen Bauer. Yeah, and I don't know. know if we mentioned this, Brendan, but earlier Stephen Bauer does a solid for Andy Garcia and saves his hothead brother from the same cages. And then the brother in this moment says, no, fuck them. Right. Yeah, there's no loyalty to family. Nothing about family anymore. And that's sort of what makes the revolution scary to them is that there are principals higher than nepotism at work now, which is always bad. Prep school ties are no longer.

valid? Yeah, that's what you know civilization is crumbling. I never killed anybody. No, no, no, no. You just like to pull people's eyes out of their teeth and their fingernails and piss on them. Save your life. That was to sell you a favor. That's a lie. So then horror of horrors, this is great.

Garcia is rehearsing with his nightclub staff. And the revolutionaries burst in almost on cue. Someone has like an Aquaman sense that freedom is happening. So music is being played. One, two, three.

Stop the music! Stop the music! Stop that music! Who are you? I am. For Ida Munoz. A delegate for the musicians union? So they all, all these young cadets,

the most nasty one is a woman, by the way, you know, which in one of these other movies, there's a brief portrayal. It's not so great. All these ladies are bossing us around now. No, I think that is the exact subtext. And she's very, she's like kind of short and stout and just nasty. Looks like she might be not straight.

Possibly not the picture of a traditional woman. No. She bursts in with her cadres and says, we're taking control of how your music gets played. And the government owns music now. And then the musicians all shrug and go, we're in the union. That means that the government owns us. What authority you have come here and stop my rehearsal? The government gave me the authority.

See, you own this beautiful cabaret, but we own the orchestra. Really? Really. If I tell the orchestra not to play, they can't play. Is that so? Fico, we're in the union. They control the union. But I have to take issue with what happens next, which is that the revolutionaries say

the saxophone, sir, is banned, because it's an imperialist instrument, and Garcia flips the fuck out. You just can't use the saxophone in the orchestra anymore. Come again? The saxophone is an instrument of the imperialists. The saxophone was invented by a man named Saxe in Belgium. Do you know what the Belgium imperialists are doing in the Congo? They're a bunch of murderers. You don't say.

No, I do say. And I am saying that if you want the orchestra to play, then you have to go without the saxophone. otherwise I will stop the show he loves the saxophone he fucking loves and looks I played alto sax in middle school and the saxophone not trying to be glib here

you know it is a it is a beautiful instrument that Cubans did wonderful things with in their music but this scene first of all on a dramatic level he's just screaming the word saxophone and now they're threatening to close down my club because we can't use saxophones in the orchestra saxophone

saxophone here at blowback pod in this episode we're mostly going off Wikipedia but we still have a fact checker on call and i wanted to look into this i said i looked into this with our fact checker who consulted a musicologist uh and they said that there is no evidence that the cuban government ever banned the saxophone uh there could be some instance from in some club where infante is drawing from but the movie wants you to think very obviously that they're banning whole instruments because of their insane revolutionary ideology. That struck me is so weird. It's very weird and

this bleeds into other scenes in the film where he really keeps going on about the saxophone. So we'll just have like a little yackety sax going throughout this segment. So we're in the full socialism is evil section now and we can condense

hopefully some of this stuff. But this is where this is actually my favorite scene in the film. the giant plantation that Andy Garcia's uncle owns, which I believe is tobacco? Tobacco, yeah. And, you know, making cigars. Right. What happens in this scene, Bill, when the younger brother visits the... Yeah, the brat, the Fidelista comes, and Uncle starts out like he...

Like, he's basically poo-pooing the revolution and going like, ah, it's going to blow over, like, this... The land indoors. Yes. land and the, and the Brad basically says, Uncle, I'm here to take over your bar. I'll take this now. Yeah. And he immediately, the uncle immediately clutches his heart and goes, like goes ape shit.

It's like, how good you? Take it easy. Where is your sense of, and he literally has a heart attack and dies. Oh, where's your sister little family? help help help me dies from a heart attack

from being asked to you know give his plantation to the public sector yeah and the film is at that point like I said there's nuance or an attempted nuances right out the window that's like a bye bye yeah that's like a Ben Shapiro

video you know where a guy is told I'm sorry sir we're taking your giant plantation that is only meant to enrich you while our country needs to develop and he it kills him literally but but that's not all then the uh oh boy the young revolutionary gets down by his uncle his beloved uncle and starts just mulling like a baby like screaming like a baby uncle all of his principles melt away because he realizes he just murdered his uncle yeah and it's like it's a 180 and but that's not all that is not all because we can skip there's a little bit more movie but then what happens

He eats a gun, basically. He kills himself. He kills himself because he feels so guilty about seizing his uncle's gigantic tobacco plantation for the public funds. Yeah. So the revolution has already led to strokes, suicide, food rationing, totalitarianism, the banning of the saxophone, most importantly. Most importantly. So Fico, the guy whose business is, no offense to any nightclub owners out there, but certainly in Havana in the 50s, his business is literally swindling people and selling them sex and booze. He is now, of course, deeply disappointed to see that elections have been postponed. This is a cause he's always believed in. Right, obviously. Which the movie just doesn't even, it forgets to even make him care about that in this fictional world. He is

like, pointedly apolitical at the beginning. He's apolitical until he's in the middle of the movie, it's just like, there weren't any elections before. Now there's shit. First saxophones, now no election. Now this. because he could have voted the tax phone back into legality, but you can't do that. So the dad, who's now on his deathbed because the revolution has immediately... Because it's breaking his heart. It's breaking his heart. He tearfully urges Fico to go to a place, go somewhere where you can express yourself freely as a nightclub owner, you know, where you can write your polemics. It's a rate. He says, it's the one rainy day that's ever

happened. He goes, it never used to be dark at noon. That's right. God himself weighed in on the revolution. It's darkness at noon. Yeah, which... Oh yeah, yeah. Darkness is a It's a Kessler. There's a bunch more sentimental bullshit. He wants to bring his brother's, his brother, his dead brother's girlfriend along with him. Yeah, this has been a whole subplot that's happening in this whole time we've been talking. Yes. Basically once his first dead brother, he's got two.

Yes. The student revolutionary is shot. His mom starts saying, why don't you marry her? She's lonely. Hey, you can slip in there. Yeah. And they fall in love. Yeah.

But she's a dizzy broad who believes in Fidel in the revolution. So she will not go. But as Garcia attempts to get her to come, I'm going to America, come with me. She goes, no, I don't want to. She goes in some, like, kind of, you know, state dinner room that's next door. Oh, where the Soviet ambassador is, and she is basically felt up by Che Guevara. Yeah. And the Soviet ambassador, they're like kind of, you know, putting their arms around her waist and tickling her.

And Garcia violently drags her away against her will out of the room and says some bullshit about how there's nothing more important than love. And she, but she stays behind, causing me to think how much more interesting than film would have been if it was about her life and her decisions. Yeah, basically it is posited that she is, you know, Castro sees her and likes her.

That is a nice piece of ass for the revolution. And that she kind of falls for it. Yes. So Fico leaves the country. And this was a really weird and kind of gross scene. We're in the airport, he looks to his side and he sees kids like with their pants down getting searched. What the hell was that? I'm not sure what that's supposed to suggest other than

communism leads to pedophilia, basically. Institutionalized. But we get out of Cuba. He gets to New York where he's lonely but free to speak his mind, again, as a nightclub owner. And he listens to the radio, which plays saxophone, by the way, now that he's in America. Freedom reigns. Here's the classic mythology where a Cuban who leaves the Castro nightmare builds his life up by brick in America, up from nothing. works in a kitchen and his new boss says hey you're too good to work in the kitchen uh let's have you as the piano player and at this point you're i i was beginning to really wait for the movie to be over i'm like do do any more of this i also just want to note that according to the own the the the mythology that

the movie is looking to perpetuate that he's working really hard in the in the kitchen but that's not what gets him further in life it's the whims of his boss yeah saying oh i like piano you play piano right, why don't you go do that? In the mercifully kind of second to last scene, Meyer Lansky shows back up. And this was a really confusing scene for me. What happens here, Bill? Well, it's the best as I can tell, Dustin Hoffman happens to show up, I think. I don't think he's seeking Andy out. But it's like, hey, we all met each other back then. And it needs to be said, Dustin Hoffman is not terrible as Meyer Lansky, but he's, he's, there's just a little smidge of rain man there that takes me out of it. He's just kind of,

Dustin Hoffmaning. He just, you know, going around and doing that kind of thing. He basically says, if you ever want to try a club, you know, we could do one here. But he also says, and this is like closing a little plot loop, I did not bomb your club. I didn't kill your girlfriend. I thought this was going to be an epic confrontation where, again, the movie trying to show a little nuance, hey, well, we know what we think about the revolution, but look at this asshole. You were part of the reason things got so bad that we got communism or whatever. But he comes in, and he says, oh, that thing that, you know, you thought I did blowing up your girlfriend, that actually wasn't me. Yeah. And I, it's not my style is what he says, which is hilarious. The mafia is not

very much his style. To aggressively and violently take over other establishments when they want them. And then, and then Andy Garcia's like, oh, okay, so there is no confrontation. It's a punishing film because it keeps, like, it has so many subplots and so many characters, goes through so, pedals through so many years. And yet, it never really, really, really, has a story except poor Andy. It would have been more interesting if Lansky was the villain of the film. Yeah. And instead, the villain of the film, as you just pointed out, is this vague caricature of

the revolution, which is pretty pretentious. The closest they came was Che. Like, it was not a, not a redeeming value. And he's only in like two scenes. Yeah. And he's a dick throughout. Yeah. So at the end of the, at the very end, the Dead Brothers G.

G.F. comes into the place. Is it like right after Lansky leaves? Or pretty much. Maybe it's, maybe it's supposed to be on another day. But she's representing Cuba at the U.N. Again, what a horrible country now with women, women showing up at the U.N., representing their country's hopes and dreams. It makes the skin crawl.

They have coffee, and he says, Cuba is a lost cause, and Havana is a lost city. Title, title, title, title. That's the name of the film. It is a very strange thing that it focuses so much here and there on Havana. Yeah. Because it's like, yeah, that's the, that's where you grew up, Andy. That's where the nightclub life was. But again, it just like exes out the entirety of the island.

Then we have this last scene where, and this made me sad because it's sort of just like a little group plays some music. And Anthony Garcia is on the staircase of some, I guess maybe it's supposed to be his club or something. Maybe, I don't know, it's a recreation of something. And it seemed almost like in 1930s. you know, Ziegfield Folly said. Exactly. And he's kind of tearfully sort of dancing. Yeah. It made me sad because clearly for Andy Garcia, ideology aside, this is a love letter that he really hoped would be not only artistically successful, but for him a message that he could as a Cuban-American bring to the American public. Problem is, it's just not a very great movie.

And this is, this is, this was the beefiest of the three. So I think we have a little bit more fun going forward in the next couple minutes. But the thing is, I could see a general idea working in this movie. A nightclub owner, quietly watching a revolution happen, almost like the memories of underdevelopment, where he's a character who himself is kind of an asshole. He's not really, doesn't have a stake in anything. But if you really could make that work, it would be nice. But it's this bloated American approach where we meet everyone and see everything where we try to. so it can be a godfather-esque sweeping story, and it's just bland and unfocused.

But, yeah, ironically enough, a better version of this is a Cuban film made during the Revolution by the Revolutionary Film Institute. They tell me you two know the area. Cairo de Pinos, the Cape of Pines, and when they're often as a child. That was the, you know,

the vegetables. Yeah, that was a big plate of spinach. Um, because it wasn't particularly fun or tasty, but I got to say, the next film is the exact opposite of that film in character, in, in style and in, like, seriousness with which it should be taken or wants to be taken. We're talking, of course, about 1980s Cuba Crossing. Okay, get it. Okay, get her in the car. working on squeezing every human feeling I have out of me. Oh, come on, man.

Come on. This was directed by Chuck Workman. I guess this is an early film of his because he went on to primarily have success as an editor. And he directed in 1986 a sort of montage of great American film that commemorated some Directors Guild thing that went on to win an Academy Award. So the director of Cuba Crossing, which will be amusing to hear in just a second, this guy won an academy, he's an Academy Award winning director, which the Lost Cities director and production did not win an Academy Award there. And this one is a, it's, you know, maybe a stretch

to call it a Hollywood product. I think really, it's more independent. The first one, Andy Garcia joint, was the real, as close as you get to mainstream Hollywood. This one is like German and distributed by trauma entertainment. Yes, this is a trauma movie. I should say, when I say the Hollywood approach in this episode, I think, you know, that includes the attempts of the exploitation genre to make a quick buck in with Hollywood tropes. Totally. But yes, there's a trauma film, I believe it's a West German American co-production.

And I don't think it ever played in theaters here, just in Germany. Okay, well, that's really interesting. Yeah, so they're over there thinking like, oh, this is a premier American. film. And they're right because the director is an Academy Award winner later in his life. To be. Now, I don't know about you, but I have to bring up, Bill. I got major Mitchell and Final Justice vibes from moments of this film. Very much so. A lot of a lot of slees and just sort of sloppiness in the whole late 70s, early 80sness of it. Yeah. And I don't know, um, Brendan, have you ever seen, uh,

a movie with Stuart Whitman in it before it. Was that guy familiar to you? I think probably I have, but I can't recall exactly where I saw him. Yeah, he winds up in a lot of, like, even some respectable things and some TV series, but a lot of B-movies, like, Night of the Leapest. But he had, you know, Stuart Whitman was a

good work a day, like if you needed a kind of a tired, macho guy who's seen some shit, you know, he's got a great look. And this also has one of my favorite in it, Robert Vaughn, the man from uncle. if you want a bloodless creep, who sometimes is a hero. Robert Vaughn's your man.

Robert Vaughn, it also has as the kind of slimy State Department guy, Raymond St. Jacques, and Michael Gotso. Frankie and Frankie Five Angels. I mean, I was in the olive oil business with his father, but that was a long time ago. Oh, that's all.

Michael Gatso is in this the whole way through. And for those who don't know, Godfather 2. Yeah. probably is his most recognizable performance. Frankie Five Angels, the guy with the voice that can peel paint. I love him and Godfather, too. Yes.

But those very qualities, when you just keep stringing him out through a bad script, don't work quite as well, I'll just say. It gets a little grade in here. It's irritating. I feel like I'm going to have a fucking heart attack. Well, I hope not. Mr. Hunt! My friend, Mr. Hunt, have some coconut.

You like coconut? They're over there. Yeah. That one there. That's a good one. I would have given a lot to see just one Joe Don Baker character. He could have fit in here. Mitchell to Havana, Nice. Spiritually, he had a home here.

Yes, he was here. So that's the character of the film. It's very sleazy 70s, although I believe it came out in 1980. And I got to say, I initially thought this was some kind of, for the opening message that we'll get to in a second, and I'll play a clip of it. I thought this was going to be some kind of like death wish style right wing commentary. Yeah. Which I don't know what it is after having seen it because looking up the director, the cast, and then actually watching the film, Robert Vaughn, who plays the bloodless CIA psycho,

he was actually a big Kennedy guy in real life. He was like a very public supporter before and after the assassination loved Kennedy. And he plays the character who has a chip on his shoulder forever after because Kennedy, as the hilarious opening sequence will tell us for Kennedy abandoning the Bay of Pigs effort. So, I don't know what... Abandoned the Bay of Pigs, let them get shot. I don't know what the movie's politics are, but to jump into it now, we get an opening

message, which I used in the... Oh, God, I hope they don't come after me for copyright, but I used in a trailer for blowback season two. It's an announcer who says, Assignment Kill Castro, a true story, is one of the most confusing and frustrating historical events that might have led to a world power showdown. It happened yesterday. It is happening today. It can happen again. Names of persons and places have been changed to protect the individuals who are called upon to aid their country and in so doing place their lives in

jeopardy. I will give my all for the love of my country, right or wrong. G. W. Bell, Chief of Caribbean Operations, Central Intelligence Agency, November 1, 1978. This motion picture is dedicated to all people who desire to live in a free democratic society. So then we get a hilarious opening montage of Robert Vaughn is this guy on the boat with the exiles. It's like, you know, 20 years younger, maybe 15 years younger. There's a panty hose over the lens, and he's getting, his boys are getting slaughtered at the Bay of Pigs. In a very low-budget sequence here where they're in a little rowboat in, like, some lake, probably. And he, and then all the Cubans are mastering them, it's being played over a big heady montage of Castro celebrating and JFK going,

ah, I am a big pussy. I'm sorry, I couldn't get the job done. I want to say that there will not be under any conditions. It'll be an intervention in Cuba by United States Armed Forces. Robert Vaughn's character actually screams. And fucking kille, killing, killy,

killy, killy, kill me, and then he yells, where's the fucking air support? And he throws

his helmet down. It's like a, it's like a principal Skinner flashback. It really is. It is so over the top and hilarious and rinky-dink.

Where the hell to fight? Where's the fucking air support? Yeah. But that sets up his character, because he's going to be a vengeance-driven man who wants to, again, finish the job. And then we get a little fun tropical song that I actually have had in my head for the week after we've watched this. But I have to say, Brendan, at this point, I was exactly with you. I thought, this is going to be a right-wing polemic, like top to bottom. Yeah. What happens in this earlier setup is Robert Vaughn flashing back. He meets up with St. Shock, who plays the conniving, I guess

CIA or State Department, well, he's in Key West. That's where this film takes place. And we're told that Raymond St. Jacques wants Robert Vaughn to do another Bay of Pigs, basically, and he's going to hook him up with Michael Gatso, who is a

mafia-type guy. Yeah, very much so. Maybe he is his character reincarnated from Godfather, too. And they're going to do a second Bay of Pigs. Yeah. We're going to send you back to Cuba. The political situation there is untenable. And some people in very high places would like to see a change in the leadership. Castro? Castro. We're going to kill that Cuban son of a bitch. But so they're going to do like another smaller and therefore more likely to fail version of it?

Yeah. But their, but their secret weapon is like, these two sharpshooters, a father and son, you see him training, and it's like, yeah, we got a Hulk with these two guys. It's like, no, you don't. They'll get picked off in a boat. At least in the Bay of Pigs. They had like 2,000 guys. This was, this was supposed to be even more of an airtight operation because they have two guys. And they're Americans. And they're Americans. That's true. That's true. Yeah. We won't let the Cubans fuck it up this time. Right. It needs to be said, this is unlike the last movie, this is point of view American, top to bottom. Very much. We then meet Tony, who is played by

Stuart Whitman. Whitman, Stuart Whitman. And how would you describe Tony? Oh, man, everybody loves and knows Tony. Everybody knows him. And he slept with half the women on the island. He's got like a crappy bar on the island. He's a rogue. He's a lovable rogue. Everybody knows him. Hi, Tony.

Hey, good morning. How you doing? That's pretty nice, huh, Tony? Yeah, that's pretty nice. how soon you forget old friends Marcellini why you're a little money to you

Brendan you must know this the alternate title to Cuba Crossing is sweet dirty Tony I know I was going to bring that up yes I mean how big of a have a blunder was it not

going with that title Sweet Dirty Tony is wouldn't be a cult This would be a cult classic right now If they get that Instead we're dredging it up from obscurity. But he's a boat skipper, too. He's got like a bar and a boat and a young girlfriend and a kid. Yes. And so he's, he gets tapped by Michael Gatso to be a part of this

operation somehow. And then, you should be part of this. And accurately, Michael Gatso is saying, you know, Furn, Castro took off a Havana nightclubs. Any Garcia was running. Yeah, this takes place in, you know, technically in the same universe as the Lost City. So maybe Andy Garcia's character is, you know, wrapped up in all, in all of this stuff, too. I want you to think these saxophones to humor. We're going to overrun him with saxophone. Then I don't understand this character all that much at all. Tracy is a woman who's being put into, I guess,

Honeypot, Tony, into being kind of like vulnerable to the CIA operation. So he'll do what they tell him, I guess, is the idea. I think you're right. It is very, it gets very murky. It gets very murky and unnecessarily. And very exploitation movie quickly because they, Then she gets taken on a date to go to a cockfight and Tony has to rescue her from the cockfight because then it turns into a, and this is when I was like, is this a Death Wish style movie? Because then it gets turned into a wrestling match between two Afro-Cuban men, I believe is what we're supposed to be saying. Yeah. In about, you know, two by three feet, like people just like surrounding them right up to them. And they're just kicking each other's ass. They're kicking each other's asses. They're all oiled up. And this is just a whole. sort of jiu-jitsu-y capoeira.

I mean, I was kind of expecting Leo DiCaprio to show up as, you know, from his character in Django. I mean, it was very, very, like, classic 70s expectations. Yeah, very much like that scene. And so here's, I mean, that's certainly a flavor, but here's where Tony rescues Lily White Tracy from this scene. Tony is is seized through her act though he's like not convinced he's not convinced so it's a really weird makes things worse in terms of his trust of the CIA yeah but they have sex anyway of course

yeah yeah yeah and he tells his his actual girlfriend and her son to leave because he's in the middle of this operation uh and then they get him they get kidnapped uh by Michael gasso's goons yeah I think. And then Sybil Danning shows up, eye candy from this era, sex symbol of the B movie. She is Michael Gatsos' girlfriend. But somewhere in here, Brendan, they actually make a run to Cuba, a first run to Cuba. Yes, I have to decide which parts I talk about, which I don't, because I don't really know what's happening in the, like, it's something where they're like testing the Cubans to Antonio's first mate, his friend Petey, I believe his name is, who's actually played by a, I think a former NFL guy.

Okay, I had to look it up because it wasn't coming to me. Woody Strode. Woody Strode. Tony and Petey and some exiles, they take another run to plant a bomb or something in Cuba, I believe,

and they get shot at by the Cubans, and then Tony throws a grenade, and that blows a Cuban gunboat up, and then Pete is eaten by a shark, and then Tony is sad, and then the scene's over. This was all a setup, I guess, from Raymond St. Jacques, who was trying to kill Tony, and I guess also his crewmates, even though Robert Vaughn was told about how he wanted to kill Tony and his crewmates, but he wants the operation to succeed.

It is a mess. It is such a mess of intentions. I don't know what's happening. Very badly told story. Because really what you learn, ultimately, is Raymond St. Jacques is straddling the kind of CIA in underworld. Right. He's trying to play everybody.

He's trying to get relations back with the Cuban government for business purposes. Yes. So he wants to show that he has helped the kill some Yankees. Exactly. It was all a set up to make it look like there was going to be an operation and then thwart it. And that will make, oh, this is a great scene where Robert Vaughn flashes in his mind to Jimmy Carter saying something nice to a Cuban delegate or something. Like, motherfucker.

Yeah, that he has another freak out. But it's just like this, it's like this impossible to understand, like, badly taped dialogue that I don't know what Carter's saying, for all I know is saying. Welcome to dinner. Basically like, like, motherfucker. So HUD, which is Robert Vaughn's character, Robert Vaughn learns that this is all a set up and that this is Carterism. This is soft on communism.

And so now he's going to. And Raymond St. Chalk laughs maniacly and literally walks away, laugh, like cackling. You use me, Bell. So Robert Vaughn is going to, he said, fuck this. I'm going to do my own operation. Yeah. I don't care if the government's not behind. You know how small it was before? It's getting smaller, boys. Exactly. Which means it'll be all the more effective. Exactly. And I guess at this point, I was like, maybe this isn't right-wing propaganda, because this guy is now clearly just a psychopath.

He's a maniac. And he's going to still partner up with Michael Gatso. Now, Michael Gatso, who was kind of grandfatherly before, is now just, as Robert Vaughn is like, this is his one friend left, is now revealed to be a really horrible person. Just a maniac who is kidnapped to this family and is saying, I want to kill you a whole family.

Explicitly saying, I would shoot your boy. I would shoot your boy in their head. Now, your kid don't mean nothing to me. I cut his throat. and go over and have breakfast. I'm going to make myself $10 million. Tony is now, I guess, the only remaining protagonist. We don't want his family to be horribly brutally murdered.

But he's got to do this run for Robert Vaughn, who's now not, he's going rogue. He's not even working for St. Chalk. And they go on the island. Oh, Tracy gets blown up by the State Department guy. Don't worry, Tracy. I'll take care of it. Oh, Mr. Bill. Good night, Tracy.

And so that in a way is trying to say, like, the U.S. government is bad, but it's also they're evil because they're not invading Cuba. It's such a mess. I should say, though, that they do get a beat on, like Castro is going to be at this place on this beach. This hotel. Like, at this hotel, which is about three feet from the beach in sniper range. Yes, which he would clearly... the Bay of Pigs part two happens and it's a horrible massacre and HUD actually Robert Vaughn used these scant troops to kind of make a distraction where he can go which I don't know show me the

lie that that's what an American psycho CIA guy would probably do I got to say that didn't ring true it's like you guys get slaughtered on the main beach which will seem like the main thing mean meanwhile we'll snipe over here which is kind of a cynic a synecdoche of what he is had done to him where his bosses said, oh, we were just using you as a distraction, right? Or, you know, a, uh, a, uh, a, uh, a pageant. And so then we linger on the dead body, we really linger on the dead body, really luxurious, uh, five minutes, the loaded, yeah. But again, it's funny because it's, that's the, that's the fault of Robert Vaughn, right, not of the evil CIA, uh, uh, overlords. Or of the Cubans, like they were getting

attack. Or, or of the Cubans, they were defending their island. So, uh, then there's some insane whiplash where Robert Vaughn's plan immediately fails and Castro's like smoking a cigar on the you know the balcony or whatever and Robert Vaughn the sniper doesn't want to do it

The sharpshooter hillbilly father and son basically say no not good timing. Yeah and then Robert Vaughn wrenches the gun from him and says I'll do it. He kills him. He kills him and then immediately shoots and misses and then he's killed. They're riddled with bullets. It is. It is a and

then all of a sudden it's like, okay, well, is that the movie? But then I, I guess Tony, there's two guys who are going to pick up drugs or something, which are working for Michael Gatso. And I guess that's what he was getting out of the CIA, the ex-CIA Robert Vaughn. Tony gets to where Sybil Danying is holding his family hostage. I guess he just knows where that is. Yeah, with Frankie Pentangely. Disco music is pumping. It's mildly inappropriate for this scene. But Tony pulls his boat right up to Mafia HQ. The fight is very brief, and Michael Gatso is pushed into a man-eating turtle pool. Give me that money.

Oh, blow your fucking head off. Get it, my money. Go get it, Russellini. Yeah, which I will say is one of the few things that they sort of foreshadowed. They set that up. Very extensively at the beginning. some random nature guide, I think, was like talking about how these snapping turtles

like to eat people. And then there's another scene where I think Gatso said, I can't stress this enough. These turtles eat people. I wouldn't get out there with a turtles? And so then, wouldn't you know it? That's his, that's his end. And his entire family watches him die.

But the briefcase of drug money also. So, like, all the filthy lucre gets... We are retroactively explained what that money is. Yeah, right. It's a heroin deal that, again, you can kind of follow if you're paying attention, which I barely was. And then we end with the final scene

where Raymond St. Jacques says, we love Castro, we want to kiss him. And he's saying this to reporters, and there's more footage of Fidel looking like a player, honestly. Yeah. Like in the beginning of the film, which I suppose is supposed to be ironic

or maybe not. We don't know what the politics are. The point of view is just dissolved at this point. And a bizarre ending to a bizarre film, I would say. And our man, sweet dirty Tony, gets his family back. The family that he was cheating on, didn't give her shit much about it. And I also love how Michael Gatso is being quite brutally screaming out for help. And his girlfriend goes, Tony, help him.

And he's like, no, I don't think so. Let's listen to him die instead. help him it's too late and uh so with the child right there the kids right there watching it and hearing it um hearing the squeal of this man

but uh yeah out of all the of all the characters sweet dirty Tony comes out on top sweet dirty toady too was never made no unfortunately now what did you feel about this film versus say lost city as an experience as an experience i thought it was just i you know i clicked into an old gear from all my

i'm sure you did and it's like all right this makes no sense right ultimately i'm trying to suss it out but it's like and now and now it's funny yeah now it's just silly and i was thinking because you know as a as a real head with mystery science theater i'm sure you guys always had to edit the films themselves in order to perform to the 90 minutes with your theme song and your host almost always. Almost always. I'm sure there were a couple that were so bad they didn't even reach an hour's length. But usually a film is 90 minutes and you guys probably had to think like it will literally not affect anything if we take certain scenes out. Exactly. And I was watching this film and thinking, I'm having some fun, especially compared to Lost City, but there's some

scenes here where we could excise. Absolutely. Just pure boat travel like things like that. And then just in terminal dialogue about like stuff that doesn't pay off. It's, it's trying to, like, give you the impression, a lot of B movies do. It's trying to give you the impression that it's the French connection with a lot of ins and outs and this person's connected. A lot of complexity. A lot of complexity, but it's just more messy and sloppy. It is. Night train to Mondeauphina. Night train to the end. And now we can come to the finale that I'm sure people who know Bill and his dark past.

His dark past on mystery science theater. And then, of course, the topic of this season. it's the Coleman Francis epic Red Zone Cuba folks and it's a combination of what we watch because it's a very silly movie like Cuba Crossing aka Sweet Dirty Tony

but it's also a very kind of it's a slog like La La La City and it is a fascinating document Mystery Science Theater has done an episode on this and Bill this was before your well this was after your time as a writer Yeah, I wrote, and then they did it, and then I came back as a writer, and as the gold guy.

But yeah, but they, you know, still in the writing room, my colleagues talked in horror about slogging through. They just got their hands on some Coleman Francis movies for a while, and this one is the one that killed them. Oh, you know, aside from the fact that I'll never again experience joy in my life, I don't think Red Zone Cuba had any kind of negative effect on me. Really? It is such a depressing slog. Like, there's, there's not a single interesting or fun moment. No, it is devoid of joy, um, reason. There's nothing in this that is recognizably human.

It makes you kind of sick and feel very creepy. Oh, boy, it does. It has nothing to do really with the situation in Cuba in any, although once again, it's, uh, theoretically happening during the Bay of Pigs. Yes. now this is one of the two no this is one of the three movies that coleman francis made i believe and all three of them mystery science theater covered i believe all three were again in the in the comedy central era but the legacy of coleman francis uh there's also the beast of um yucca flats of yucca flats

which i think is like technically on a technical level as one reviewer put it his worst movie because it's so just stretches of silence and nothing happening on screen. At least it had Tor Johnson. But it had Tor Johnson in it, which is a little crossover with the more famously known worst director of all time, Ed Wood. Ed Wood. He's a delight. Really?

Worst film you ever saw? Well, my next one will be better. It's nihilistic and nasty and there's nothing good to look at ever. I'm trying to think of like, you know, the Ed Wood biopic, Johnny Depp is this go-getter. But then what would the Coleman Francis bio? pick B. It would be like Ray Winston maybe directed by Darren Aronovsky. I know, but

that would be too much art involved too. Well, exactly. This is the man who has, he did Beast of Yucca Flats and he did the Skydivers, which is another interminable film. So Riohead's no, Coleman Francis. And this is the only one he starred in. Like he walked through the other movies in

Smaller Arts. Well, the famous director cameo. Who doesn't want to see that? He chose to feature his big ugly mug. Oh, my goodness. He's tough look at. He's dark, curly, as I believe... He is, yes. That was... Hit hard by my colleagues. Griffin, Cook, and Landis.

I believe you were engineer on the train they grabbed that night. Yeah, that's right. There's like an intro. There's a disjointed introduction where we see a very good actor, a very, you know, talented man in his old age, John Carradine. John Carradine is in this film. this is kind of like the Dustin Hoffman

drive-by cameo in Lost City. Yeah, it's a puzzling one because he, I think the whole frame around it is that he's a train conductor somewhere in the Southwest and you're immediately thinking South or Red Soam, Cuba?

What are we doing in the Southwest? Yes. But he talks about those guys that came through here that time and especially Griffin, the Colman Francis character, how he was just, intent on running into hell.

And then craggy, craggy old John Caradine actually does the famous to Misty's theme song, Night Train to Mundo Fene. Night train to Mundo Fene. Night train to the end. Felix and I

hypothesize if you just, well, we want this to be picked back up and covered in like the next celebrity heal the world album. like a Lana del Rey cover of Night Train to Mundo Fien. I love it. With a lot of like reverb. I think that would be amazing to hear.

But in this original version, yeah, it's a toe-tapper. John Carradine's not really a singer, but it starts the movie. He has character. And I got to say, it's the happiest, most lively moment of the film, even though it's a dirge, but still. The song literally. dies out and we see our two unlikely heroes cook and landis and i don't know who is who and i'm just going to have to refer to them as that i don't know who is tony cardoza coleman francis's um sometime business partner they're uh changing attire they get harassed by a u.s day trooper

or something i guess they're ex cons coman francis his character uh griffin yeah uh is nearby apparently a criminal on the lamb and he's hiding nearby he's a bad guy you um yeah it seems like the whole the highwayism is just lousy with ex-cons yes at any given moment can't move for him these guys are trying to like eat a can of beans and they seem pretty harmless yeah um he walks up with a gun immediately just a menacing character who we don't think of as a protagonist not at all and he threatens to shoot them and then they're like hey buddy you could have a plate of beans have some beans and sit down and he like grunts and then we just have to watch him eat beans for a little bit which is a long scene.

And they're perfectly, like, welcoming and nice to him. And then, but he is from jump, he is an absolute prick and a dictator and a bully and violent with them. Yes. Which they seem okay with. Well, the police show back up and say, if you've seen this guy, Coleman Francis, he's a bad guy. Yeah.

He's worth $5,000 or something. Right. And also he's 200 pounds, by the way. No, he's three Cs. If they're... The policeman says that he was $200. pounds. And so you're like, all right, he did write this. So I guess the plot now is that he wants to lead them to go get money for an opportunity

they've heard happening to participate in the Bay of Pigs. Bearing in mind that they are in, I think, the Southwest. Arizona, I think. I don't know again. And it's a place where, yeah, and they somehow get a beat on a little jalopy pilot who can't spell. Cherokee Jack. Cherokee Jack with a New York accent. I will be dropping in sound bits of all of these characters. Cherokee Jack, you know, I don't want to get too self-referential for you with the mystery science theater part, but Cherokee Jack is a beloved character.

He says things like, I'm Cherokee Jack, and that's about it. Yeah, I'm Cherokee Jack. Do you know where they train men to fight down in Cuba? Yeah, I know where they train. He gives them a lift via plane to... I don't know where. The place where they are training inside the U.S. Yes.

And this is, I think, the creator of Blowback with me here can say this is sort of a historical. Then they get, yeah, then they get to a military training site. But it's like, you know, Dad's military fantasy camp at best. It's my nana's den. Right. There's so much bad ADR dialogue that, you know, for the, those who don't know, dialogue inserted later. Every line of dialogue is like a metal clang in

another room that makes you just not want to listen even more. You're like, oh, God, who even cares? Some guy comes in and says he's Cuban. His grandparents had a sugar mill. Again, I don't really know his whole story because the crickets in the scene are actually miced much better than the human beings. Take it hold something. What are you raised on your wrist chastien? Sheep or gold medal? Um, but he's saying like, hey, he's, he's obviously a part of the mission. He's at the training camp and I'm going to go and try to get my families. Maybe he was related to the uncle in Lost City who had a heart attack. Uh, Coleman, uh, is like, okay, I don't really care. And then that guy has to leave. His name, by the way, this Cuban exile is Bailey Chastain. Chastain, yes. Yeah. And he's like the only slightly likable character. And that's grading on a high curve. Okay. So then there's a training scene, which Coleman, convenient. is out of shot during any physical exercise depicted.

I suppose we're to assume that he, he's been doing these exercises. He a-eat-immediately. Yeah, we just haven't seen it. But, like, you know, he, he know he aced it. So why show it? This is not unlike late era seagall to me, where, you know, he looks authoritative,

but he never actually does anything physical. And, of course, you know, he's the one half the time probably writing the script or directing a scene. Yeah, then Coleman. again, brutally assaults a guy who's playing dice. I don't know why that happens. I don't know who that character is. Why?

Was this a scene where he ostensibly he like knees the guy in the face? But it really looks like he's just stuffing his face into his balls. Everyone gets together in the training camp to see the plan of the Bay of Pigs, which is a piece of paper stuck to a tree. It's like a piece of paper with like a little line on it. It's taped to a tree. They will, apparently, this crack team will. which is, again, I don't think this really happened.

I'm not saying the Bay of Pigs was a totally airtight operation, but I don't think they literally told people in gas stations to come sign up from Arizona. Yeah, just like, you know, ex-cons and hobos, like, come on. I don't think Cherokee Jack was involved in real life. The boys depart on their boat in the wee hours. And as your colleague Kevin Murphy once said about Coleman Francis, he tried to pass off Lake Mead as the Caribbean Sea. Right, right.

And that's definitely what's happening here. The next bit is the Bay of Pigsene, and it is just awful. They sneak onto the island with ease, and they see cast, the guy who I'm assuming is Fidel Castro, because Fidel was on the beaches. I have a little trivia here. It's one of the two guys, one of the two guys who's his colleagues is also playing Castro. That's Anthony Cardoza. That's Cardoza playing Castro. Okay, so that's supposed to be Fidel Castro.

Landa slash Fidel Castro. Well, I mean, endlessly talented. Yeah. So when I saw their Castro, I did laugh out loud. He looks like Rasputin. It's like a Herblock caricature from that period. It looks comical. Fat and cigar.

Yeah. And so Castro goes into some shed, which is probably the only interior beach location they had. These scenes on the beachhead make Cuba Crossing, aka Sweet Dirty Tony, look like Dunkirk. Yeah. We were laughing at the shitty scene, the opening of Cuba Crossing, but that looks amazing compared to the Coleman Francis.

Yeah, I mean, it's a bunch of guys, like they're supposed to be scaling the cliffs. Yep. And not a single one of them looks capable of scaling, like, you know, their couch. And when you're leading with Coleman. And Coleman looks like every step. everyone else is an incipient heart attack everyone else because he has to be the the leader so everyone else has to run as slowly as him behind him so then everyone just kind of like wobbling forwarding and trudging on the narrative or character level we're watching our deeply unlikable uh loathsome just loathsome in every way partake in a low budget reenactment of an already failed and embarrassing invention you're just staring at the screen like what is here for me to

to enjoy or feel excited by or root for or whatever. It's Coleman and Coe were put in a shed as another shed as prisoners. He takes out a gun so you know he's like going to try to get out. He had it in his like shoe or he had it in his shoe, which, yeah, why would they check? Under his balls. Yeah, just in one of his folds. The invaders outside are getting executed. Of course we don't see any of that.

Well, I think we hear the invasion happen where it's like, pu, pu, pu, pu, pu. And it's just a shot of fucking. Coleman Francis's face, just like him hearing it. And you're just, they can't even like cut to foot, cut to archival, which would look not great, but it's just you're in the shed. The classic padding out stuff. They don't even take advantage of that. No, they do not.

And then the prisoners are getting executed and the voice. And they do show that pretty. They show that. And I don't think that's archival footage. I think that's like shot. And they're in the, they're in the shed there. And doesn't somebody have a piece of stolen or? or concealed art, a very puzzling little plot detail.

I think I might have checked out. Okay, you might have. But the guy, the likable guy is. The likable guy is there, but his leg is all busted up. So he can't move. Right. He wants a medic. And then Coleman Francis goes, shut up.

No one's going to be your, no one, there's no doctor here. And it's just, he doesn't even go like, hey, get this man a doctor. He just tells the guy to stop asking for one. Right. And they, but they know that they're like, their numbers are going to come up soon. They're going to be shot. Right. And so the brilliant plan.

man is that he's going to hit the guard or snap his neck. Snap his neck. It's just a very easy thing to do. And again, this is very Segal because it's like, oh, that sounds pretty risky, but look at this guy. Coleman Francis can make that happen. I know. He can overwhelm any man.

I mean, not to really get too in the weeds here. They break out. Well, yeah, I just got to say this line was the one that I remember haunting people around that mystery science theater writing room, which is somebody. calling constantly for the guy with the broken leg to get water because he was getting gangrene like right right I got sick man water water sick fever needs thirsty like over and over again god century water man got a fever just a cup for water thirsty sick man ask him again water And finally, Coleman's plan is to get the guy with the water close enough to the window

and he can just be there and he can reach out and snap the guy's neck like a twig. And is that what happens? It does, yeah. Well, good plan. Then they go, yeah. Yeah, I forgot about the water. It's like, it's like listening to the Revolution No. 9. It's like experimental music.

Yeah, so then they take advantage of their fallen comrade who they do not attempt to save whatsoever. Thanks a lot, man. Bye. Okay, bye. we snapped a guy's neck. And he's pleading with them to go, oh, and crucially, he says, look, if you take me with you,

I have a share in a mine back in the Southwest. We'll get to this. And it is what kind of line? It's like some, I don't know, some kind of mineral or war, yeah. I'll cut you in. If you just save me and they're like, fuck you, no. Nope, but they may be visiting that mine, however,

even though they don't save him. So they escape, you're pretty much prepared for the movie to be over, honestly. Very, very prepared. not only because it's, I mean, obviously because it's horrible and feels twice as long as it is, but because it's kind of, it should be over. You had the criminals, it's a very shitty three kings, basically.

Yeah, yeah. You had criminals, you had guys who were supposed to be fighting a war, but they're actually criminals, and then they go and then they escape. That's the time to end the movie. It's like two-thirds over. We're not even, like, really close to the end, because then what happens? I was sitting aghast as they opened up a whole new plot frontier. Really?

Yeah, and they make their way back to the southwest. They're back to Arizona where they started from. It just happens to be where Coleman Francis hangs out. And they seek out the presumed widow of the guy Chastain, the young, nice guy, Jessica Chastain. With the broken leg. And they find her. And they're like, yeah, we fought with your husband. He's dead. And, oh, wait. I got to say this. And it's... Oh, no, no. Yeah. You can talk about the horrible, the really horrible part. The really horrible part before that is that they steal a car.

heroes do this. Our heroes from an old man, really old man, who is already like the book of Job. Like he's saying, nobody comes to this door anymore. This is the Super Highway, and I'm trying to take care of my blind daughter. He has a blind, widowed daughter, I believe. Yeah. And she's singing like opera. And it's just so, it's such a pathetic gothic situation. Right. And, you know, I don't want to belabor it because it's a really actually traumatic scene where they throw the old man in a well. and he's dead, of course. Well, they throw him in alive, is the other thing. Yeah, they throw him in alive. They take a living man, and while he's screaming for help, it's not shot very well.

I can't say it evokes a lot of emotion because you don't know exactly what's happening. But it's clear, they throw him down a fucking well. A long well. So he's presumed dead. And then Coleman Francis just goes back and rapes the daughter. He just inexplicably goes inside and she's playing piano, and then he rapes her. And it's just, and this is the hero of the film. And if you would say, well, actually, he's not the hero, it's Tony Cardoza and the other guy.

It's like, well, they also killed a guy. Yeah, they helped kill the old man who you, is the first person. You're like, oh, this is a kindly old person. And so at this point, this is the nihilism you're talking about. Yeah. What is this about? It's a moral disaster. Who is it for?

Why do we want that? And so then they get to the widow's house. Yes, I got ahead of myself. And then, you know, you're thinking, after seeing this. And it's like a kind of attractive young widow. And she's like, oh, my husband's friends come in and I'll put you up for the night. And then we'll go up to the mine and we'll work it. Like she falls in really quickly.

Yes. What's his plan? Yes. Also, Coleman turns on one of his two friends and like starts to beat him up as the other watches smiling. Yeah. This is because he wants the guy's ring that he's wearing. Oh, yeah. So maybe it's tie-in.

it's like a college ring or a school ring and he thinks it's valuable he wants it to ring and I don't know why in the moment I don't know why and I thought is this like a lord of the rings is this explaining why he's so evil is because he's obsessed with the one ring just larceness and a murderous he's just a piece of shit but then they i think they pawn that yeah to get some fucking car to go to a train etc so then yes but then they're with the widow put up by the widow this widow there's oddly these lighthearted scenes with Seaberg music that are happening

where after everything we've seen this monstrous slob do where like getting this little ho ho they're trying to buy something but he doesn't want to go inside and he's waiting for them out of

mood and atmosphere the police catch up with them this is before they can scam and probably murder this widow yeah they're on their way up to the mine and they're going to like the car breaks down and it runs out of gas

and so runs out of gas and the sugar mill guy around this time uh chastain who we thought was dead shows up no explanation for how we got out of there why didn't he get the firing squad like what happened to his broken leg should be gangrenous yeah it's like a day after they got there too and he's okay coleman immediately shoots the wife right turns around and shoots the wife and for a second I'm like, oh, somehow something bad happened and the wife got shot. It couldn't, and then it's just, no, he shot her. He just fucking shot her.

He presumes her dead. She's unarmed, obviously. And then he makes a run for it. Chastain collects his wife off the ground. She seems like she'll live. She seems like it, yeah. She opens her eyes. But maybe not.

I mean, who knows? And then Tony and who the fuck? The two other guys are taken in by the police. And then Coleman mercifully is gunned down by a helicopter, which is what happens in his other two movies. Yeah, he does have a fetish. He has a fetish or flying craft of any kind, skydivers. While this is, the soundtrack to this is a jazz version of Night Train to Mundo Fene. Yeah.

It's like a kind of, hit down, Mondefinie. And then. Shooting down, Coleman Francis. I could have used some more saxophone in my video. But then this is the way you go out in a Coleman Francis movie, even if you are a Coleman Francis. And the movie's over. Yeah. And everyone goes, wow, what an asshole.

We've learned nothing. We feel bad. Everything sucks. I hate movies. So, thank God we're done with that one. And now, to borrow from the professionals, best of the worst, what do we think here? It's a little tricky. But, Bill, what would you say of the three movies we watched was,

We know which one was the worst on every level. But which would you say is the best of the worst of these Cuba stinkers? The tricky part to me is that there are parts of Andy Garcia's opus that look pretty good. But really, it made me want to die by the end. It was so long. So I got to give the best of the worst to Cuba Crossing. I'm tempted to agree with you. and I will say in agreement with you

that, you know, I would never want to watch it again, but you know, Lost City, I do want to state, he's never going to hear this, so it doesn't matter. Right. It did make me sad when I saw how much the movie meant to Andy Garcia. I agree. The movie

meant a lot to him, and it just doesn't have the goods. I think it would have benefited from a more, rather, a less ambitious, you know, approach. That's a very compassionate way of putting it because I'm trying to be compassionate well I know I mean and that's that was how I was torn too because I feel like God this is so deeply personal to this guy yeah this actor I've

loved you know for decades now yeah I mean the untouchables yeah but maybe his character in ocean's 11 is the casino owner is his character in the lost city I like think about that bringing it bringing it together like Terry Benedict a bunch of joking up monkeys take him down hey and then there's the Soderberg connection because he did the Che movie And he did Oceans 11 with Clooney. It's all coming together, man. But, but yes, I would say Cuba Crossing because it is, it is fun. I think it could be like a midnight movie.

You can talk over it. You don't need to fucking worry about what's happening in it. You get to see Frankie Pantangeli give an utterly scene chewing, revolting performance. Yeah, he looks like a kind of really gnarly version of like old Bert, Bert Young. Yeah, you know, he really looks like he was on the downward slope here. And you got some classic actors, you got Vaughn, you've got Whitman, and if you do have the ability to see it, I had to find a fucking Blu-ray rip, which was in terrible condition. Did you notice as you're watching it, there's bits where it's like washed out? Yeah, so, but that's kind of charming too. So I don't know, maybe we can, we can say if anyone runs a theater, kind of like, you know, a Nighthawk or Alamo situation, try to find a canister with Cuba Crossing on it, or more importantly, try to find one that says, sweet dirty Tony. Sweet Dirty Tony. Because you think that maybe there's even another scene or two

in Sweet Dirty Tony that wasn't in Cuba. Yeah, because, I mean, they don't show them particularly sweet. I mean, a little dirty, though. A little dirty, I guess, yeah. He fucks around. Finds out. And he finds out. That's the most important thing with Cuba.

But, Bill, thank you for subjecting yourself to at least two very not good movies and then a very poorly made. Three, three very not good movies. Three stinkers. going to make the call. No, no, there are three stinkers, but we couldn't have had a better guest on to walk through them. It was really fun. And who knows what we'll do next season or a season after that. But if you can take it, we'd love to have you back. It would be a pleasure. I'm a big fan of blowback, by the way. I love both seasons. And Bill, is there anything you would like to

plug? Oh, I have a little podcast in my own right now. And it's about it's about the world of Tolkien. Believe it or not, I'm like late in life nerd thing. You're not an original head. No, not at all. And it's on the 20th anniversary of, you know, the Peter Jackson movies this year. Right. So we're doing like an analysis. Me and my partner, Sean Thomason from Rift Tracks, got into a little, it a little bit more during the pandemic. And we sort of drove each other crazy going, I dare you to read the Silmarillion.

So it's like a not very reverent look at it, but it's fun. And you're both fresh or is he more experienced? He is more experienced. he's a little deeper nerd than me. But I do like the movies in spite of all the misgivings. And so we're going through them in detail and nerding out and mostly joking around. What's it called? It's called Ringheads.

And it's just going to be this year. Okay. I'm done with Tolkien this year. That's a vein that you need to eventually let alone. Hell yes. Where can people listen to it? Pretty much anywhere, although we're having trouble with Apple Podcasts. right now because of their revamping the whole thing.

But we're on Patreon too. Okay. Haven't really thrown it out there in the world much because I hate doing PR. But is it on, in other words, like Spotify or Apple Podcasts? Yeah, it's on Spotify. It's on Pocketcast. It's on a couple of others. All right. Well, anywhere people get their podcasts.

Close to that. Hopefully more soon. Get ringheads. And of course, we would love it if you kept listening to Blowback Bill. Thanks again for coming on. My pleasure. Thanks, Brendan. Bye, everybody.

Hollyo O'Avada over the sea Pretty Marianna waiting for me Hollyo Oliobana give me a sign Where a red bandana came there on time Saxophone