Bonanas for Bonanza - Bonanas For Bonanza Episode #75: “The Countess”

Episode Date: January 14, 2026

Subscribe to The Andy Daly Podcast Project at Patreon.com/AndyDaly  Bartleby Mulcahy, Dalton's oldest friend and the undisputed grandfather of cowboy poetry, returns by popular demand to discuss season 3, episode 9, "The Countess", in which Ben Cartwright once again narrowly avoids female companionship!  Featuring Sean Conroy & Matt GourleyMerch: redbubble.com/people/ADPodProject/shopMail: PO Box 9407 Glendale, CA 91226Email: [e-mail]’s website: andydaly.comRecord date: 5/21/2025 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Find a show alive, so consult your TV guide, get your great outdoors inside, take some Ponderosa pride and forever made. Right. Let's get started with a huge. It's a bonanas for bonanza. We're talking about the television show. Bonanza, as we always do on this show. It is the number one greatest television show of all time, and this is the number one podcast talking about it.

God damn it. And today, while we are joining the show. studio mutt hello mutt he ya he ya oh that's mochobo but we're joined by by popular demand people says bring back bartleby mo kehy the grandfather of cowboy poetry and i says i'll see if i can find him and i did oh bartleby you all right i got a thing that was the weakest e-ha heard in a long time well i feel like e-ha's overrated what do you mean by that way other way is there tell people you're excited about something. Well, you could do a whoopee or a yes sir.

How old are you now, Bartleby? I don't like to think about it. Okay. Yeah, I suppose not. If you had to put a number on it, though. Somewhere in my, between and the six, somewhere in there. Yeah. Yeah.

That sounds about right to me. Are you old? I know this. I'm not 69. I am. I am most nights. Oh, man, is that true? Yeah.

Dirty bird. Let me ask you now, Bartleby. Yes. Are you older than you ever thought you'd be? Oh, certainly. What, if you could go back and tell you, here we go, you'd go back and tell 20-year-old Bartle-Bub-Bub-Beghelf, tell you 20-year yourself, anything about the coming years, any piece of wisdom or something like you? Oh, sure.

What would you tell you? First thing, I right away would say, you would say, you'd say, you'd. You are going to get old. Okay, yeah. And the other thing is take care of your teeth. Take care of your teeth. I only got two left, but I sure do take good care of them. They look nice, those two.

Thank you. Yeah, and they are nowhere near each other either. Yeah, they're far away. It doesn't look like those two teeth can help each other at all. No, they're not friends. They're not enemies, though. It's like that movie The Gorge, you know, we're just two. people across a big wide gorge.

Oh, is that a movie? Oh, yeah. I've seen it. I've seen it advertise, Jimmy. It was not good. Oh, I didn't see it. Yeah. Oh.

It was, uh, I don't want to get lost in a movie review. Let's not do that. We're going to get lost in a Bonanas for Bonanza review. Bonanza's like a documentary. It is very much so, very much so, because it's a, they stay the Hugh close to reality. There's no flights of fancy on this show. Hugh, who? Hugh Close.

I don't know Hugh Close. I don't know him. He's a good guy. Hugh Downs. Oh, yeah. Hugh Downs. Yeah. Hugh Close was a relative of Glenn Close. Oh, right.

Hugh Downs. Who's the hills Hughes Downs? 2020. 2020 or 60s, one of them. And then there's Hugh Beaumont. Okay. Do you know that if you go to the eye doctor and you get your vision is worse than 2020, they kick you off that show. That's the truth.

That's the truth I don't know about that They kick you off that show No I'm saying I don't know about that No I know it's fine I didn't know about it But now I do Do you have a television Bartlebeam O'Kee?

Yes I do Oh you do What sorts of things you get up to watching on there Oh I watch the news Uh huh I watch there's a fuzzy snowy show A fuzzy snowy show Yeah

Uh huh Okay Okay Does that come on late at night Yeah All right And then I watch Summer House

Summer House Summer House? Summer House. What the heck is that? Well, it's a show where some kids from New York City go out to Long Island for weekends in the summertime. All the way out of Long Island. And they all want to have... They're from New York City and they're going to Long Island.

And they all want to have sex with each other. Why are you watching this garbage, God damn it, these goddamn city-slicant New Yorkers? Because it's very compelling. Like, I want to know what's going to happen with Jesse and Lex. Is Jesse Lexi one person or two? Two people. Okay. They were in a relationship that seemed doomed from the start.

And guess what? What? It was. Oh, you had, you called it. I called it. Can you bet on these shows? I'm sure you can. This is a betting country these days.

I don't know if you've watched any TV, but every other commercial is, oh, put money on this, put money on that. Oh, I've got an over-under on how long when those two teeth are going to stay in your mouth. Well, I hope a while. Yeah, if you can give me any insider information, that'd be appreciated. I'll tell you this. It makes eating burgers a little easier. With having the two teeth. Yeah, if I didn't have them, I'd never have a burger.

Can you, what would happen? What would be the repercussions of losing one of them two teeth? You know what I mean? I'd have to eat the burger upside down. Of course. Yeah, that makes sense. All right, well, I hope you hang on to both of them. You ever think about getting like false teeth or something like that?

Densures they talk about. You ever think about that? It's expensive. I don't know if you're aware of the costs of health. health care in this country. Oh, no, no. You don't have that Obama? You don't have Obama?

They didn't give you Obama? No, sorry. Oh, damn. All right. You should get yourself some Obama for your health cares. Now, are you still doing sand paintings? Last time we taught you you, you did in sand paintings. I think we talked about that?

Yeah, sure we did. I am. Oh, well, that's good. I'm trying to remember. Mostly sunsets with birds. Oh, good. I'm sure that's what I said last. I reckon. So is it, do you, what do you do you paint, do you make the sands of different colors and then combine different color sands? You have to put in the right amount of different colors of sands and then you take a little instrument and you move the colors of the sands around so that some of them are in different places.

But okay, you start with sands of different colors. Correct. You're not coloring the sand yourself? No, sir. Okay. The sand comes colored. It does. You can buy colored sand. Did you know this much? You go to the colored sand store. No, but I'm not too surprised by it. Really? I think that sounds about right to me. I think you go to Michael's.

You can get some colored sand. Who's Michael? He's his friends of Hugh Downs. Oh, okay. Yeah. Where do you get your sand paint, your colored sand. At the sand store. At the sand store.

Yeah. How now, here's my next question. Maybe my last question about sand painting. Oh, please. There's lots of questions to ask. No answers. Is this going to be, did you ever do the Mona Lisa? No.

But did you? I did. Okay. Here's my more important question. Can you ever turn a sand painting upright or does it need to always remain lying flat on a table? Like a follow-up question, if you were to do a sand painting of that gal sitting at a vanity mirror, but you turn it upside down, it's also a skeleton head? Are you talking about the one with Marilyn Monroe and Humphrey Bogart at the counter?

No, but that's fine too. I'm just saying, isn't there some painting you can turn upside down? It's a different thing. Really? Yeah. I know those Halloween store paintings where you look at a beautiful lady and then you move your head to and then you take it skin it. There's also the ones where if you look at it, you see the head of a goose or you see a squirrel. And depending on which one you see, it tells you a lot about your personality.

Really? Yeah. What does it tell you if you see a squirrel? Your beady-eyed. And a goose? You make a lot of noise. What if the dress is white or blue? What happens when you turn the painting upside down?

Which one? The sand painting. You got a sand painting. You can't turn a sand painting upside down, but you can't set it up, rat. That's the whole point, is that you move the sand. You could hang it on a wall. Absolutely. You don't have to only hang it on the floor.

No, you can hang it on the... Does it change the sandcape? I mean, it depends, but sure it could. If you hang it on the wall, doesn't all the sand fall down to the bottom of the frame if you know, it's already. It's already set in place. How the hell is that sat in place? It's two panes of glass.

What? It's that, the glass is that tightly compressed on it. It doesn't have to be because you pour the sand in first layer. And then that compresses itself. The way you paint is you go in through the top. What? The whole pane is filled with sand. Oh, I see.

Is this Dalton or someone else this realizing something right now? I've never contemplated sand paintings this much before. You start with a, you start, you start with like a frame type of device. Correct. It's the same way you can do it like in kindergarten when you put it in a jar and you do layer first in the jar of, let's say, like, sand color, then you do blue, then you do red. You know what it is like more than anything? I dropped out of kindergarten. You did.

Yeah. Why'd you do that? Couldn't take the pressure. Oh, dear. What'd you do that? Did you go straight to work? Yes, I did. You got a job?

Right out into the fields with the cattle. Oh, you did. Yeah, he's a, he's going back to the old days of the real cattle drive, real old cowboy, those old men are okay. Here's my last point about sand paintings. Yes. What it really sounds like more than anything is an ant farm. There are certain similarities.

Here's what I want to know. Can you do a beautiful sand painting of a sunset with birds that is also a, ant farm. Well, I don't know. I've never tried, but I will tell you, I have a triptych sandpain that is an ant farm. But is one an ant farm and one's a painting? Are they both all three? All three form and ant farm.

None of them are an ant farm, but they look like an ant farm. Oh, you're saying that your sand painting depicts an ant farm? Correct. But it is not actually in reality of functioning ant farm. It is not. Okay. Fascinating. All right, very good.

Is there such a thing as sand dance? That's my last question. Sand dance? Sand dance. Are you saying sand dance or sand dance? Sand dance. Slam dance. Slamdance.

I'm guessing there are, but I don't know. Sam dance. Sam dance. Sam dance. I just got a call that we might have to end this episode. Why? From the National Emergency Foundation. Oh, shit.

They're worried we're all. three having strokes. Did you know about the National Emergency Foundation? I've never heard about that before. Me either. I'm suspect. I'm surprised they monitor live streams or podcasts for strokes. Who else is going to do it?

Who else is going to do it? If not the National Emergency Foundation. What are we here for today? We're talking about Bonanza season three, episode nine, the Countess. This is the Lord Almighty. It's the 75th episode of Bonanza. Can you believe it? Can you believe we talked about that many years?

That's a big anniversary. The diamond, I believe. It's our jubilee. I'm going to say the thing I say at the beginning of every episode. Just right at the very beginning of every episode, I say, Hello, friend, come on in. The gate is open wide. Welcome to Bananas for Bananasia.

Today we'll be discussing season three episode nine. That countess, this episode has everything. Labor disputes, fine art, a bare-fisted brawl, and another terrifying brush with marriage for Ben Cartwright. This is not the closest he's come in the life of this series to get married, but it's close. And finally this episode, we'll get to it. But this lady, she sums up this show and what it is and what it means more 75 episodes in.

Somebody just lays it out on the line when she says, well, now we'll get to it. It's later in the old bill to it. On this date, the day that this aired, November 19, 1961. What a night. What a night. It was a Sunday night. You remember it? Late December back in 60.

November, actually, but otherwise, very close to that song. You're right. The number one movie, Breakfast of Tiffany's. People are still enjoying Breakfast of Tiffany's. Have you seen that film, Bartleby? I like Audrey Hepburn. Sure, she's in that, very good. And I'm a huge fan of Mickey Rooney.

Oh, yes, Mickey Rooney. Wonderful in that movie. Couldn't be. I can't imagine it. I've tried to think of something that's funnier than Mickey Rooney and Breakfast of Tiffany's. And all I can come up with is, you ever see that video of that woman who's looking at her phone and she falls into a fountain at a mall.

No, but that just sounds funny. It's pretty good. What if it were Mickey Rooney doing that character falling into a mall, man. That would just about do it. I would bust a gun. That woman apparently got seriously hurt. But that Brent to Tiffany's is the number one movie.

Number one country song is still walk on by by Leroy Van Dyck and the number one song is still Big Bad John by Jimmy Dean. You're fan of? If you had to choose a Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean, the recording artist or Jimmy Dean the sausage magnate. Let's say, because it's incredible that they're both one man. I told you, I'm choosing the actor. Diamonds are forever.

Okay, because he also was in that film. All right, that's three different Jimmy Deans. We each get to pick one. We each get to, okay, here we go. This is like, it's a little bit like fuck Mary Kill, but different. We each get... Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean. Which one is that?

Which would you fuck Mary Kill? The actor, the singer, the singer, Or the sausage king. Well, you fuck the sausage king. Sure. I would kill the sausage king. Why? Turn him into sausage.

Oh, yeah. He might appreciate that. Yeah. Well, yeah, the sausage king of all of them has kill and coming. Because he's done killed so many sausage creatures. Seems a crime to waste the sausage king on not fucking him. Oh, really? Yeah.

I mean, it's in the name. What do you mean? Sausage party. Oh, I see. if I had to choose one Jim Medine to keep it would be the sausage man I think and the other two

if I had to lose them how about you Bartleby McCabe I would yeah exactly all right also on this day November 1961 Lucille Ball got married

for the second time to a guy named Gary Morton she was 50 and he was 36 nice good for her boy toy Also on this day, the son of the New York governor, Nelson Rockefeller, disappeared off the coast of New Guinea on November 19, 16, 1961. Yeah, he was not a good swimmer.

Did they never found him? They never found him, but I guess some investigators talked to some villagers there who said, oh, we remember him, he swam ashore, we killed him and ate him. That's right. His family prefers to believe that you drowned. Yeah, well, it's a nice story. That is a nice story. He drowned in a big book, Ramican of him.

marinara sauce you think that's what the villagers are doing in Papua New Guinea at that time? They were big into Italian cuisine at the time. So they would have deep fried them and put them in a ramekin of marinerar. Yeah, before they add them.

Yeah. From what I understand, drowning is wonderful. Is that right? That's what I hear. You mean it's as dying goes, it's the better way to go or you think it's actually wonderful? Apparently it's a beautiful, beautiful experience that everyone should have at least once in their lives.

I've heard the same thing about burning alive. Have you really? Yeah. Well, they're both on my bucket list. For me, it's being drawn and quartered. That's the one for you? At what point do you die in a drawn quartering? Yeah.

Do you die before all four quarters come off? It's definitely part way through the quartering. You're not going to survive a whole quarter. No, certainly. Maybe a half and but not a quartering. Quartran. Yeah, all right. Well, I don't, I personally, I can't wait to drown.

All right, folks, let's get into some fun facts about this episode. You ready? Yep. Margaret Hayes played Lady Linda Chadwick. Bye, bye, boboom. Did you think so? Oh, absolutely. She gave you the va-va-vooms.

She had, she screen tested for Scarlett O'Hara but didn't get the part. Oh, wow. Yeah, but she was popular enough. People said, well, you're going places. We can't give you that part, but you're going places. This is a close second to call on. to win. Yeah, this episode is? Yeah. I'd say so. She's best known for her Oscar nominated performance in the 1955 film Blackboard Jungle. Oh, wow, yeah. And Sullivan's Travels she was in. And then she retired from acting in 1947 and became the fashion editor for Life magazine. But then she went back to acting and did this episode amongst other things. What a storied career. I know. She's a very impressive lady.

I'd say so. She also, she, toward the end of her life, she hosted a daily radio show in Palm Beach, Florida. But I couldn't get more information on what kind of stuff she's up to on that show. I bet she talked a lot about ocean. The ocean? Yeah. Down there in Palm Beach, Florida. Something tells me she talked a lot about her career.

Yeah. She'd get on there and reminisce. You know, I was almost Scarlet O'Hara. I'll bet you that's what it was. It was an hour a day of, I walk. walked in. They handed me the script to certain scenes, and Rhett Butler was there, and I did the scenes, and they said, you're definitely going to get the park, and I went and celebrated with my husband at the time, and we got drunk, and we went out dancing all night. We had a late dinner at the

Brown Derby, and we said, spare any expense, just to eat anything you want off the mill. We bought a house. He bought a bunch of cars. Yeah, we did. We was driving three or four Cadillacians ain't good on this show. What do you mean? We ain't getting good ratings, Margie. You're talking about his podcast? No. What do you mean we're not getting good ratings?

I'm playing the producer in the Palm News Radio. I got it now. And I'm playing. The National Emergency Foundation called a gift. You did. Yeah. People don't want to hear all the things I bought before I got the phone call. And this happens every week, every day on the radio.

The hour expires before she gets to the park about how they called her and told her. she didn't get the part. And the people in Palm Beach are like, I sure hope we get hit by hurricane. That's right. At the end, she's like, she gets cut off. She didn't get to finish story. And then the next day, she's like, well, I got cut off, so let me finish telling the story. But let me recap.

And then she starts all over again. Every day, her radio show ends with. And then the phone rang. And I says, who can it be? And now the weather. That show was replaced by Rush Limbaugh. I bet you it was. Tell him the same story.

Same damn stories. Dan Sheridan was in this episode. He played Kelly, the mine and foreman. He has his son is this guy. I'll bring his picture up and you'll say, I think I've seen him in something or other. Right.

You've seen him. Is that Mel Gibson? He's an actor named Jamie Sheridan. Oh, maybe. He's been in a bunch of things. He was on law and order criminal intent. Here's what he looked like on that show. Okay.

Take your word for it. All right. He doesn't bring any bills for you. Oh, definitely seen him before he was on law and order that's what i just said just now well there you go he was right he was in the movie spotlight and sully that was like a good year for him okay i like spotlight yeah john the banker played by dick whittinghill what did i say for him he was a popular morning oh i got a great song he wrote okay we're gonna he'll listen to a song uh he used to do oh here let's try

this okay he was a radio dj himself just like margaret hayes he used to do you do a feature called story records sent in by listeners in which a short anecdote was completed with a line from a song for example the spider told little miss muffet you can keep the curds but give me all the way which is a frank sinatra song so you see what any more of those no there was one example there on i didn't follow that you got to have a you got to have like a story or a sentence that ends in a dot dot dot, dot, and then the way you fill in that dot, dot, dot is with the title of a song. All right, he's going to be able.

This big house was burning down, right? Okay, yeah. And the cops come and they find these kids with burnt matchsticks. Oh, they do. But they was innocent. And you know what they says to the cops? We didn't start the fire. There you go.

I'm damn. See how many what it was. I got one. Can I play too? Yeah, you can play. Well, there was a guy at a restaurant, and then somebody else came in, and you know who it was? Frank Sinatra. Oh, by cake.

Huh? The band cake has a song called Frank Sinatra. They do? Yeah, they do. Is that was your intention? I don't know. Barlow, that's not how the game is played for crying out, land. Orville Sherbin was in this episode.

The only thing I want to tell you about him is that in his, uh, his about little bio area on IMDB. There's a quote that says, Relatives of his brother said Orville was too occupied with work to attend his father's funeral. That's in his bio? That's in his bio. I hope it wasn't this episode of Bonanza.

No, it was a little before this. But their family dirt is getting aired in there. Who is he playing? Orville Sherman played Sam. I think he's the foreman of the lumberyard boys. Oh, okay. All right. Who was the incredible?

British accent. Oh, Montague. Where's the Montague? Surely I put something to open. That was John Alderson. Yes. English actor noted for playing the lead in boots and saddles, a Western show. He plays the gum-chewer in Blazing Saddles. And, wait, who? Who? The gum-chewer. Who's the gum-chew? I don't know. He chew gum. Somebody in the streaming that knows, put that in because I'm curious, the gum-chew. But also, So he made his final film appearance as a guano miner in Young Guns 2. Oh. Wow. Not easy being a guano miner. I did it for two years.

You did? Smells bad. Well, it's bad shit, isn't it? Yes, it is. Not easy being in Young Guns 2. That's true, too. Just tell it to Bon Jovi. What is guano used for?

God damn. Is it fuel, like fertilizer or something? Yeah, fuel, fertilizer, things like that. You can also do guano paintings in a sandpanes. Frame. Really? Have you done that? Yes, I have.

That sounds like a lot of handling of guano. Well, I wear gloves. Okay. Do you, it's different colors. Do you color, again? That you have to die the guano. You have to die the guano. It's mostly white.

Oh, I see. Okay. John Alderson is the gumchewer in Blazing Saddles. You see anything there? No, there's just a fun fact about gum chewing, but not that guy. He was also in the cat from outer space, the Duchess and the Dirtwater Fox, and played Moose Matlock and Banjo Hackett Roman Free. So that's a great career.

I think the fellow who got shot by Headley Lamar for not having enough gum for everyone in line near the end. Oh, right. There you go. Did you know, by the way, that Bob Hope used to be a prize fighter and he went by the name Packy East? No, really? Oh, you missed you. All right. Anyway, shall we talk about this episode of Bonanza?

How far into this are we? Oh, shit. We'll be fine. No problem at all. This episode begins. We got it. Ben and Joe and Hoss riding into Virginia City and their Sunday best. They got their Colonel Sanders string ties on,

and they're excited to meet the stage coach, which they've beat into town by just a minute or two. And, boy, Ben raced it there. He was so excited to be. And was excited to get it. Because our fancy ladies showing up on the stage coach, it's countess lady Linda Chadwick come all the way from England, we suppose with her man-servant Montague.

And they couldn't be more excited. In fact, poor Haas got so excited that his Dickie rolls up on him like Bozo the clown. Not just that. Dickie and his collar bursts. It was a two-prong comedic assault. And boy, is that mastery. My God.

Because the Haas is all, he's tongue-tight. He didn't know how to talk to royalty. He was very uncomfortable as he was riding in. Yeah. The rigging that must have happened and there must have been two separate fellows beneath him like releasing things. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, they did a couple of great comedy bits in here with Haas, because there was the other one where he raises his hat while he's holding up a giant piece of luggage.

It was unbelievable. He had a heavy, unwieldy, giant piece of luggage that you have to hold with two hands. And then they framed the shot so that you can't see his hands on either side of it. But he does take his hat off. Yeah. It's literally impossible. It was like a gravity-defined miracle. Funny little David Copperfield magic act. That's what it kind of was. Now, the only, if there is an explanation for it, it's that he would have balanced it on his belt buckle or his erection. You can't rule it out. All right.

She's been in England, has Lady Chadwick, and she immediately, she doesn't waste no time. She puts the moves on Ben. You can tell. She likes Ben. Hey, I noticed a little something, a little gaffe, if you will. There's a moment where Hoss has a pack of six. in his shirt pocket.

And then when they turn around, he doesn't anymore. Wow, he smoked him that quick. I guess he smoked down that whole pack. Man. Yep. Then we got old Linda and Ben are at the lake and he calls her beautiful and she regrets rejecting him. Now we get the back story.

Yep. These legs are heating up. Now we understand. Turns out Ben wanted to. Okay, here's what it was. Yeah, I know what you're about to say. Right? Ben married Adam's mother.

and then she died. And then Ben married Haas's mother and then she died. And then Ben proposed marriage to Lady Linda Chadwick. But she knew better than to get kicked off like that. Exactly. She says, I see a pattern here.

I'm going to die. She says, no, I go to England and marry a count and get myself some royalty. And then when he dies, I'll come back and die. Right. Why is she fine with it now?

Yeah, right. Well, it can only be that she's tired of living, and this is the most efficient way. Do they have counts in England? I don't know about that. That's a good question. They got lords and dukes. That's right. Do they have a, can you be a count?

I know they have them in Monte Cristo. Oh, yeah. Count, and they have them in wherever Dracula's from, I'll tell you. Yeah, it feels like they're like Duchess and lords and stuff. Duke, Duchess, Lord, Lady. She moved to England and became a countess. Maybe she met somebody there for. from Monte Cristo.

Could be. Maybe she just moved to England and changed your name to Countess. It's not against that law, no law against that. But so she takes off, he then marries, Ben does, Joe's mother, who gives birth to Joe and promptly dies. Now, at some point in this episode, she says to Joe, she says, if I had married your father, you might have been my son. It doesn't work that way. It doesn't, does it? She has a very limited understanding.

of human biology. I think that must be it. Because what you meant to say was, if I had married your father, you would never have existed. Right. Which is a different kind of a sentiment. The bigger going concern here is she says to him,

you met the Ponderosa is your wife, essentially. Exactly. That's the line I was talking about. Yeah. And it's like that's his beard. You know what I mean? In the parlance of how some men who are, gay might marry or hang out with a woman to make it seem like they're heterosexual, but they're not. And I'm not saying that Ben is gay or not.

It's just he doesn't want to live with a woman clearly because he either kills him or won't marry him. We know Ben's not gay, my God. Well, maybe she meant to say, if I had married your father, I'd be your brother's mother's. If I had married your father, I'd be your brother's stepmother, right? Sure. But you can adopt. Okay, all right. That's fine.

I could be there. Yep. But you wouldn't be here, so they wouldn't be your brothers. Right. They, you would be. Yeah, exactly. They'd be their mother. They'd be their mother.

They'd be there. It'd be their, Joe, it would be Joe's mother, but also his half mother because she would also be mother to his half brothers. But Joe, Joe, if, well, the only way Joe could. ever have existed is if Ben put a hump into Joe's mother at the time that he did. Look, you don't have to tell me. I think that's fair enough. And now he could have done that by stepping out on Linda, his wife.

Right. So she could have said to him, if I had married your father and he had stepped out on me with your mother the same time and date and time that he did, I would have perhaps. raised you as my up. No, I don't know. It's not inconceivable to think that back then they just think that every child you had was ordained by God as a soul that was always going to be there, regardless of the circumstances. So Joe was going to be born to Ben under any circumstance or any other woman. Well, that makes room. And he was always going to have the nicest hat. Yeah, and hair. Yeah. He's wearing his formal hat in this episode, by the way. It is a little different than his usual

hand. But you're right. It is the nicest of the bunch. All right. Now, what have we got here? Well, okay. Oh, Tim. Yeah. She's been painted a painting. Linda has painted a painting. She's a painter. She makes a painting of herself. It's a portrait of herself. And Ben Cartwright. Now, as if to say like, look, the two of us are a couple. She did it by memory. When she said that, she said, I did it by memory. And I just said, no, you didn't. There's no way. I bet she watched one of those Alpo dog food commercials. Oh, yeah. Oh, and she's painting him from that.

Or Battlestar Galactica. Yeah. That makes more sense, I guess so. You don't think you can paint from memory like 20 years later. Not the perfect visage of face. Okay. So, all right, you're already on to her. She's a liar.

Yes. She also gets to painting a crazy, crazy painting, and she says, this is all the rage in England, Impressionism. So she's a real artist. She's on the cutting edge of art there. But now we learn there's trouble at the lumber camp, or first we learn at the mining camp doesn't matter either way. What we learn is that both the miners on the land of the Ponderosa

Hurw in the employ of the cart rides and the lumber mill guys who's also in the employ of the cartwrights. I believe they're called Jacks. Who's the Jack? The lumber fellas. They're called old lumber jacks. I think so. I don't think they all have to be named Jack though.

No, no. Certainly not. Different sorts of guys. But they got all of them are saying together, we want to be paid in cash every day because we've come to believe for through for some reason that the cartwrights don't have any money. And prior to this, cartwright Ponderosa Scrip was good enough for them. It was as good as cash.

Ponderosa Scrip is as good as cash. So that's just some kind of chit that they could take into town and everybody knew that it was written on Ponderosa credit. It's fine? I guess that's right. Yeah. Well, they have a big ranch with lots of things they can make money from. They got silver mines and Timmyr.

But does that stamp collection? Does that piece of paper then does the store person have to go to the Ponderosa and say, now give me cash for this? Or do they just continue to pass that around the town? It floats. It's got its own form of currency. Yeah. Oh, my God.

That's crazy. All right. And a lot of times you can only use it at the company's store. That way the company gets to sell things for more. If the car rides were smart, they'd make it so. I paid you in my. funny money and the only place you can spend it is buying stuff for me. Correct.

Bonanza bucks. Of course. Sell them a $30 turkey sandwich. God damn it. That's what I would have done. All right. So now, let's see here. All kinds of things are going on. Blah, blah, blah.

She has a beautiful old music box that Ben got her for Christmas like she kept it. 20 years ago. So she started to seem like obsessive. She's obsessed with that. She doesn't seem so well. And then, but she's talking about how, okay, because Ben is in all this trouble, she says, let me give you some money so you can pay all your men. And he refuses. And she says, it seems this ranch is my rival.

Oh, boy. Now, that doesn't follow logically from the conversation they had up to that point. But it's an important thing for her to say, because it's true. I feel like this might be heresy to say. You know, what? But. Careful. I kept waiting for something to happen.

in this episode? Yeah, it was like, I like you, I like you, I like you, I really like you, I like you, I really like you, I like you. Something happened when the episode ended and I went on with my life. Something happened. What the hell of the two of you talking about? I was just about to get to the part where there's a fire. I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. There's a fire. Oh, right. Ben said, and all the lumber guys who has been disputing go and they do the fire. And now, oh, there's also, I skipped over a part where Hoss goes up to sort out the problem with the lumber guys. and one of them, Runyon keeps calling him fat boy, fat boy, fat boy, and to the point where a horse has to beat the shit out of him.

And then he says, it's fellows like that to keep me from getting fat. And either he meant, because I get exercise beating the shit out of them, or he meant they're constantly fat shaming me and making me go on a diet. And then in the end, he gets to call that guy fat, does that. Oh, is that what he does? I think so. Or it might have been that that guy was his nutrition coach. Oh, that could have.

being it. So he's not all bad. So he's mapped out a diet for Haas. He's like, why don't you have some fruit instead of them cupcakes? Uh-huh. And just so happens that Haas beat him up more for the labor dispute issue. Oh, that was unrelated. Unrelated.

And then he says, that guy, I got to tell you, I mean, he's tough. He calls me fat boy, and I don't like that. But he is the only thing keeping me from getting fat because I follow his diet. Yeah. Maybe that is. He's my Jillian Michaels. What the, who's that? What the, who's that now?

That's another reality show I like. You're up there watching reality shows in your little cabin all time, huh, aren't you? I get what I can. All right. All right. So now what have we got here? Blah, blah, blah. Surveys, it seems, this was not an, I don't understand this plot development, but Lady Linda has purchased the piece of land next to the Ponderosa.

Oh, ho! That happened. Yeah. He's real upset about it. I don't know why he's upset about it and I don't know why she did it. Well, he's upset that he doesn't know who bought it. Yeah, but because you don't know who's going to move into your neighborhood. But he's got the largest piece of land you ever heard of.

And there's a piece of it that abuts it that he doesn't own and he's all agitated that someone else should buy that. Because what if they don't put up a fence? He can put up a fence. What if they're playing football and the ball comes on his lawn and they come over there? What if they have house parties with loud boomboxes? But his land, it takes like multiple days to get across the Ponderosa. Two months. Two months.

Seems like the neighbor could throw a party and it'd be all right. I don't know. Maybe the Ponderosa house is right there on the edge. Oh, it could be right on the border. I suppose that's true. Well, now, okay, here's what basically we're learned to have happened. Runyon, who's the fat boy and soldier guy, who he's been whipping everybody up about the cartwrights are out of months.

money. And it turns out that he and Montague, the British man servant of Lady Linda, are in cahoots together. We learned that from the telegraph man. And then that's what's happening in town. And at the same time, Ben finds out from the banker who previously had refused to float him alone. Now, Ben finds out from the banker that the land next to Ponderosa has been purchased by Montague. So all the pieces is coming together, I think, starting to figure out. Oh, it's because Adam, Adam said, look what happened. All these troubles started as soon as Lady Linda got to town. So he says, it's her fault.

And Ben says, what are you crazy? But Nenda goes into town and finds out, yes, Runyon, Montague, Land bought, Montague. It's all coming together for Ben. He's starting to accept it. And he and Haas march into a stable to confront, because they've been told by the Telegraph, man, That's where Montague and Runyon are. It's a funny march.

It's a long march through the street. Well, they got time. They got time. In this episode. They march into the stable just in time to hear Runyon say, you and I are conspiring to bring down the cartwrights Rwain up. It was a very Batman villain moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was good. They got there right in time for the one like line of dialogue that would have made it 100% clear. And they stalled right up to them and the two of them didn't hear them come. Right. They walked right in and yeah, they didn't hear them coming. But then I guess Haas beats up Runyon again. And oh, this is when we have the gentlemanly barefisted brawl. This was wonderful. So many wonderful things happened. What do you mean nothing happened? Montague's got a sword inside his little cane. A sword cane. A sword cane. I love to say a sword cane. And Ben says, well, if you're pulling out your cane, I'd be in my rights to pull out my gun and shoot you did. But how about this? I'll take off my holster. You put aside your. sword cane and let's fight like gentlemen. So Montague had Chekhov's sword cane. Yeah, he did. Because he pulled it out, but he never used it.

That's then the opposite of Chekhov is a sword cane. No, you're thinking of Chekhov's gun. Oh. Chekhov never used a sword cane. Chekhov's gun has to be used once it's been established. Correct. Chekhov's sword cane can't be used once it's been established. It's a red heron.

This also illustrates the Ponderosa Way versus the Chicago away. So he pulled out a sword. Ben should have pulled out a gun if he was from Chicago, but he's from Ponderosa, so he puts away a gun. Right. And now almost every time an episode of Bonanza, when two people decide to put their weapons away and have a bare-fisted brawl, the bad guy of the two at some point, when he's losing the fight, reaches for his weapon again. Yeah. It is a low man. This is the first time it's never, and had a, happen this british fella this turns out he isn't altogether bad that's right he's not so bad but he they have a brawl and montague says i've just about had it good way to end a fight i've just about

had it and they just kind of stop in the middle yeah they just stop in the middle of fight the end of how much i can take of being pummeled i'd say i just about had it and he says well i'll so i'll fully cooperate with whatever you want to ask me or whatever you want me to do i've switched now i have fully switched allegiances from Lady Linda to you on account of having been pummeled so much. And he gives away all the information. Next thing we say is back at the house. Everybody's dressed up nice for a fancy dinner. And down comes Lady Linda.

And Ben, he has set this up beautifully. She's like, where's Montague? He says, I'd like to propose a toast to the most charming and conniving which I've ever known. Oh, which he calls. He calls her a goddamn witch. And I thought this is going to end with her getting burned at the stake, probably. Doesn't happen to. I bet he's glad she's not Joe's mother.

Yeah, right. He's probably been wondering all these 20 years. Should I have married, Lady Linda? Now he finds out, no, she's a goddamn witch. Yeah. Well, she says, what's you talking about? And he says, I guess he explains to her all the stuff. I know what you've done.

I know what you done. Man, does she flip out? Man, does she flip out? really go on an acting tear. I'll tell you, I wrote down some of the lines in this scene. You've never seen anything like this before in your life. Not just a painting tear, but an acting tear. She sees, she sees, how come you didn't accept my money or something or whatever? And she goes, it's not a great well-written line. Well, no, that's not what it was. That's not a direct book, but here it is. She says, I, he goes, I'd never accept your money and get forced

into marriage with you. And she says, I thought you'd accept anything to save you. And she says, I thought you'd accept anything to save this stupid ranch that you've substituted for a woman. Now, that just lays it all out there after 75 episodes of Bonanza. That is what's happening here. And I think the sons are doing the same thing. All four of these men have substituted. Even Hop Singh. Even Hop Singh, who, by the way, once again, makes a brief appearance in this episode,

but does not speak. I don't know what's going on there contract wise with Hoping. But then he says his rejoinder to that is, I would never put the Ponderosa above the love of a woman, but you're no longer a woman. Whoa, my God. He doesn't say what she is now, but I guess witch. A witch, yeah. She was a woman.

She's gone to England. She's hooked up with some count. Could be Count Dracula. Oh, man. She's... Count Dracula normally wants to turn a lady into a vampire, but in this instance, he's turned her into a witch. I wonder, I got to tell you, I wonder if she got ice cold titties.

Are her tities cold? I've definitely substituted ranch for the love of a woman. You have? Yeah. Really? I've been out on the trail and you get lonely and you got a packet of dressing there. Oh, ranch dressing. Yeah.

Okay, I think I see what you're saying. Oh, I think you do. You slather some ranch dressing on your peaker. That does sound nice. Well, it's a harsh indictment of Ben. cart right here that he substitute this ranch for a woman. But man, and he denies it, but what happens in is whatever, blah, blah, blah. At the end of the episode, oh, she takes a fireplace poker to her awful painting of the two

of them together. I bet she didn't even paint that. Yeah. They should have called it a painting poker. Because it's more used on a painting than a fireplace. Just saying. All right. Well, in this instance, it is.

You're right. A painting poker. Ben offers Montague a job. I don't know why. I was confused by that. He says, she's going to need some help. Yes. There's a place for you here.

Meaning like, do they get to stay on the ponderas? What did that mean? Yeah, I don't know. And I don't know Montague's response to it was unclear. He walked away. I think that was a blooper. They accidentally shot him telling Montague to hit his mark. There's a place for you here.

Oh, there's a place for you here. piece of tape on the floor. Just a little yellow. And then he walked away to get ready to go back to one. Cross again, yeah. Back to one. And the director said, keep it. Who cares?

And then in the very end, the boys, they just profess once again their shared love of their land. Their beautiful land. They walk outside to be in the crisp mountain air of the beautiful pond. They're essentially in a polygamous relationship with the land where they're all sister or brother wives, brother husbands to the matriarch of this family, which is the Ponderosa. It does have a feminine ending, Pomerosa. Ponderosa. Well, I just remember now, as you're saying that, that earlier in this episode, Ben says to Linda, he says, the Ponderosa, she always puts on a beautiful show for visitors.

She puts on a dress. Just like a woman. Just like a woman. He is thinking of the Ponderosa as a woman. How often do these boys dig a whole? in the ground of the ponderosa and fuck it with some ranch dressing with ranch dressing in there hey that's a great idea dig a hole fill it with ranch dressing you'll never miss up the love of a woman i swear you never would or a witch or a witch for that matter holy macaroni this is a

hell of a goddamn episode yeah this is a real good one you're trying to tell me nothing happened everything happened i've i take it back all right thank you i i'm i'm i take it back all right thank you I'm sad to say that after this, there's only 356 episodes of Bonanza. Oh, my God. Are they not going to make anymore? Well, uh... They still got time. They do have time.

We've got 356 episodes, but the clock's ticking. What would you think if they was to resurrect all these actors through AI and start making more Bonanza episodes? I'm sure we've pondered this question before, but it feels fresh to me now. It'd be a way to get Moon Anza off the ground. Okay, yeah. Put the original actors on Bonanza on the moon. Okay.

I'll tell. I'd watch that. Do you think they could rewrite some of the scripts? So, for example, what if there was an episode where Montague pulls out his sword cane and kills Ben Cartwright? Ben Cartwright. Why would you want to see that? I just think it'd be an interesting twist. Listeners out there, if you can manipulate artificial intelligence to make video footage of the Cartwright boys on the moon in Moon Anz.

that would be great. I'd love to see it. Okay, good. Let's do that. All right. Well, we're trying to wrap it up here. Bartle-Bea Mokahy. What's you got going on? Anything you want to tell us about? Well, I'm taking banjo lessons. Oh, you are? Yep. Wow. I'm on number two. Lesson number two? Yes, indeed. I was just thinking the other day, I've never heard anybody played the banjo badly. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's true. Well, you haven't heard me. All right. I'm going to come along to your third lesson.

Every time somebody pulls out a banjo, they play it exceptionally well. Yeah. You know what I mean? I've heard people plunk around on a guitar or a piano or something like you. You know, Cool Hand Luke, he kind of fumbles around on the banjo not too well. Okay, all right. Oh, well, I'm going to go back and watch that. All right.

Well, good luck to you there. And good luck with your whatever sand paintings and guano paintings you have coming up. Thank you. You ever put, you ever bring them to an arts and craft show? People can buy them or anything like that? Maybe I should. Maybe I should. All right, all right. And good luck there on the Summer House. You ever think you might be on a show like that?

Oh, I would love to go on in the Summer House. Yeah, I'd like to see that, too. Lindsay's having a baby. Get out of here. Whose baby is it? They don't show him. Oh, really? But she dumped Carl. She did?

Well, Carl dumped her, and she was very upset. And then she immediately got pregnant. You don't think it could be Carl's baby? It's not Carl's. How do you know that? Because I watched the show. All right. I think it's Carl Baby.

All right, folks, that's going to do it for today's episode of Bow. Nanas for Bonanza. Now get! Yeha! Yeah, ha! Bye now. Bananas for Bonanzas brought to you by Andy Daly with Matt Gordon. Theme song by Matt Goyle with The Journeyland,

which in this case are Mark McConville, Daniel Mitchie Cuff, and Wade Ryan. Bananas for Bananasas mixed and edited by Mark McCombie, executive produced by Mark McCona. Andy Daley and Matt Gould. We'll see you around. This is a song called The Square, and I love it. This reached 100 number 144 on the charts, and you'll see why it's a great song.

Scratchy. Square. Another of the good old words has gone the way of love, and modesty, and patriotism. Something to be snickered over, or outright laughed at. It used to be that there was no higher compliment you could pay a man and to call him a square shooter.

The ad man's promise of a square deal once with his binding is an oath on the Bible. But today... So he wrote songs, but he wasn't much of a singer. He's a guy who gets his kicks from trying to do a job better than anyone else. You don't have to sing a song like this. It's so nice. He did use the word boob.

A squelor's a guy who doesn't want to stop at the bar and get all juiced up because he prefers to go to his own home. His own dinner table. His own bed. He hasn't learned to cut corners or goof off. This nut we call a square gets all choked up when he hears children singing, My Country Tizabeth. He even believes in God and says so.

In public. Some of the old squares were Nathan Hale, Patrick Henry, George Washington, Ben Franklin. Sounds like we could use some more squares, boys. Glenn, Grissom, Shepherd, Carpenter, Cooper, Shira. John Glenn says he gets a funny feeling down inside when he sees the flag go by. Oh. He says he's proud that he belonged to the Boy Scouts to the YMCA.

A square can you get? A square is a guy who lives within his means. I feel like this song might be too long. No way. There's too much in it. We're only halfway through. A square is likely to save some of his own money for a rainy day. Rather than count on using yours.

A square gets his books out of the library instead of the drugstore. He tells his son it's more important to play fair than to win. I think the drugstores, he's talking about porno magazines. That's the kind of books they have there. She prays when nobody's listening. Not even God. He wants to see America first in everything. He believes in honoring mother and father and do unto others.

And that kind of stuff. He thinks he knows more than his teenager knows about car freedom and curfew. So when all you goon- Car freedom and curfews. You misfits in this brave new age, you disorganized improperly, apologetic ghosts of the past, stand up, stand up and be counted. You squares who turn the wheels and dig the fields.

like William Shatter. You squares who dignify the human race. You squares who hold a thankless world in place. Beautiful. Wow. This guy's definitely been called a square. This song caused a number of suicides, is my understanding. Why?

Because people felt insulted. Oh, what do you mean? Who felt insulted? The squares? People who weren't squares. Oh, people name-checked in this song like Gary Cooper. Gus Grissom. Yeah.

No, those guys are squares. And they say so? I mean, it feels like they should have been asked permission to be called a square. Oh, well, we don't know that he didn't reach out to everybody and say, I am singing the praises of the square and I'm counting you among them. Did this fix everything and bring everybody back to being square? It came out in 1965, so yeah.