Bonanas for Bonanza - Bonanas For Bonanza Episode #81: “Land Grab”

Episode Date: July 8, 2026

Subscribe to The Andy Daly Podcast Project at Patreon.com/AndyDaly Dalton and Mutt are thrilled to welcome Mutt's nephew Kyle to discuss season 3, episode 15, "Land Grab", in which the Cartwrights host a truly awful house guest and Sean Penn's mother tries to rope Hoss into a possibly incestuous throuple.Featuring Ryan Asher & Matt GourleyMerch: redbubble.com/people/ADPodProject/shopMail: PO Box 9407 Glendale, CA 91226Email: [e-mail]’s website: andydaly.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is Andy Daly, inviting you to subscribe to patreon.com slash Andy Daly, where each month we release a brand new bananas for bananas for Bonanza episode, and two episodes of the comedy grab bag podcast, bonus nanza extravaganza. Plus, you get access to our Discord and other goodies. So do check it out at patreon.com slash Andy Daly. Thank you. a show alive so consult your TV guide get your great outdoors inside take some ponderosa pride and forever made right I'm bananas for bananas let me get started with a yeah that's a schlitz right on queue that's a yehaw gunfire schlitz that's the triple banger beautiful three of the can you nominate a fourth sound that's as good as those three i don't know if you can

horse winnie yeah maybe a horse winnie yeah maybe a horse wharf any of the crack of a whip. Oh, you do it. Beautiful. All right, folks. This is Bo Nannas for Bonanza. Is that what it is? Yeah.

And we're doing, talking today about season three, episode 15, land grab. This is the only podcast in the world that discusses the only greatest, I say the only television show in the world. Like when it really gets down to it, Bananza is the only television show that it was ever made. the only show that was ever made for television. I agree. Okay.

Thank you. And we are joined today by a special guest. What do you think? Do you want the honors of introducing this guest? You know, we've been having Marky on the show for so long now. We've had my niece, Marky Wilcox. No offense, but she's been just sort of chipping away at my every last bit of granite. I hear you, man.

I can no longer take the youth of America destroying the fiber of American culture. vis-a-vis Bonanza. She don't like Bonanza very much, does she? No, and so I wanted to prove to the world that there is hope for the future and that there is a world where the young people are at the vanguard of understanding the true, beautiful. True beauty of Bonanza, my nephew Kyle. What's up? I'm honored to be here. Hello, Kyle.

Hey, what's coming on? I'm wonderful. You're a very nice young man. Hey, thanks, sir. I'm really enjoying your cap. It's a cowboy hat. is. Oh, nice.

All right. I didn't even tell him to come in with compliments. You didn't have to. I think you're amazing. I think it's really cool to watch two older gentlemen connect over arts and culture. Hey, all right. Older than what, though? Older than me?

I'm not agist, but, you know, respect. And I will go ahead and conditionally respect you as well, despite your youngness. That means the world to me. Really quick, is Markey coming later? going to be, I thought she was going to be here. Marky is not here today. Oh. Yeah.

It was Picture Day at school today and she decided that she did not want to have her picture taken. So she instead has played hooky and gone to Magic Mountain with a bunch of boys. Oh, really? With a bunch, like older boys or like how old are the guy? Is she dating anybody here? Oh, Kyle. You got a little thing for Marky?

Oh, no. I wouldn't say that. I think she's just a really intelligent. wonderful woman. Have you met Marky face to face? I've seen her on Instagram. Oh, okay. She goes to the neighboring school, and I just kind of think she's beautiful.

She's about 15, I think. They allow her on Instagram at 15. Are you allowed to be on there? Oh, we're on it. We're on it. At the age of three, we're kind of getting on it. They're born on it these days. Yeah.

What in the hell? How old are you then, Kyle? I'm 13. I'm into older women, so. Oh, wow. That's very sophisticated, doesn't it? Thanks You were hoping to beat Marky today

Yeah I wore my finest Bilobong shirt It's a nice shirt It's a nice shirt Kyle It's flames and skulls and eagles What's a billabong shirt Billabong is kind of like With the bad boys wear

It's a brand Oh oh oh I see A brand like the way you brand Like the way the cartwrights will brand They're ponderosa beef So everybody knows Well similar but absolutely different Oh okay alright

Yeah all right so Yeah all right So there's many similarities as well as differences. Exactly. I said, well, I said, okay, that's fine. Now, Kyle, I'm sorry, I'm starting to disappoint you. That's okay. Yeah, all right.

But you could do better than her. I'm sorry to say, no, you're right. She's irascible. She's trouble. I'm going to be honest with you. I kind of like a mean woman to sort of put me in my place. Okay. Kind of like I think Haas, if you will.

Oh, yeah. Haas in this episode is paranoid. in the face of these women people. Yeah, yeah. I feel very like Haas in the fact that some people think I've been kicked in the head by a horse. And then I like a strong woman. No, Kyle. Come on.

Oh, Kyle. Sorry, is that too far? No, it's okay. I mean, just a little history. Yeah, all right. My sister married, um, let's, how do I put this? A stump of a man. Oh, oh.

This is your father we're talking about. Yeah, we would call him lovingly a stump as well. Okay. He's a sweetheart. He's just a heart of goal. Okay. Brain of just burnt toast. Oh.

Yeah. And he'd say this. He would say it too. I'd not tell him. I only know this because he told me as much. He would tell you, he would say, I'm a stump of a man with a brain like burnt toast. Yeah, yeah. He's burnt toast stump guy, but he didn't make all of his money.

He was the first guy to buy doge coin. Yeah. So. Last one to sell it, though. Last one to sell it. Yeah. So we lost kind of it all. Yeah.

Okay. But for a while there, he was living high. Yeah. Living high on the doge coin. Living high on Doge. But he loves my mother and she loves him. So like I say. Okay.

Sweet. Yeah, that's good. And you feel like maybe you've taken after him somewhat in the smarts department, Kyle. Yeah, I'd say so. I'd say concentrate is pretty hard for me. Okay, all right. That's fine. Focus is hard for me.

But I've got a lot of spirit and I've got a lot of gumption. I like that. Nice. You never see anybody come right out and say, damn it, I'm stupid. And that's okay. Yeah. I like that. You didn't say that exactly.

But that's what I meant. Okay. Many teachers have told me that, so now I just know it to be true. They didn't say. Teachers have other ways of saying you're stupid. Yeah, like dumb. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Other words, teachers know so many words. Well, I'll tell you what. You may not be bright as a bulb in the shed, but just your sheer appreciation of what we're about to talk here today, it belies how intelligent you actually are. You have a kind of street sense and a warmth to you. that that really means something today, you know? Thank you. I don't really know what half of those words meant, but it sounded nice.

There's different kinds of intelligence. And if you're telling me, did you appreciate Bonanza? No. I'll be honest. You guys, I'm bananas for Bonanza. Whoa. See? Okay.

This is why I brought Cal on. You get, hang on now. Everything's different now. You can't, we can't call you dumb or stupid or stump like or anything. You are a young person who can appreciate this television show. Oh, I mean, this had it all. Men with guns, women with babies. Yes, yes.

See? There was babies in this episode. Holy crap. Well, all right, God damn it. I'm going to shake your hand. I'm going to shake your hand. I'm going to shake your hand. All right.

That's fine. Fantastic. You'd be shocked to how rare it is for a fine. A person you're ages that appreciates and understands this show. Thank you. Yeah. The doctors do say I'm rare. So.

Okay. And that was an actual medical term because when Kyle come out, he come out so early that they graded him, you know, there's well done, there's medium and there's rare. Oh, okay. You and Kyle was rare to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He come out almost immediately after the conception. Yeah. No kidding. Pretty much 24 hours later, I was there. Wow. Ready to go. Yeah. Really ready to go.

Yeah. That's amazing. Okay. Well, I'm getting a whole new respect for this. He had something called prenatal progeria, where he ages as only as a fetus. And then normal the rest of the time. but it's just a quick gestation. You ever seen the movie Alien?

Have I seen Alien? Yeah, I think so. What's it about? An alien? Yeah, it is about an alien. Okay, I think I've seen that. Yeah, and aliens are kind of like space cowboys, if you will. So I feel like that.

Interesting. What do they do now? They put an egg in your chest. Mm-hmm. They put an embryo in. An egg hatches a face hugger, which puts an embryo down your throat into your chest. And that bursts through your chest to become a xenomorph. Okay. I think the way humans get made is pretty gross.

Yeah. You know what I mean? We just did sex ed. Yeah. And they were just telling us so much about that. It's like the women have to make the placenta sac. It's like that's kind of like alien to me. Yeah.

They have to make it. Yeah. It's disgusting. But I think what you've described in terms of these aliens may be even worse. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's neck and neck. Yeah.

They're pretty similar, yeah. Yeah. What would be the best way to make a new, version. Like if we were starting our species over from scratch. Okay. What would be the nicest way to make a new person? I think you just get it

in a Christmas present. Christmas present. A baby just comes in a Christmas present. From who, though? Like who brings it? I mean, who brings the babies now? The stork? I don't know. Oh, oh, okay. All right. That kind of freaks me out that these birds just have these babies somewhere. Like,

where are they getting them? Yeah. Oh. And then they just drop them off. I think it'd be nice if we made babies kind of like a pizza. Okay. Or you just like take the ingredients you like. Okay. And then out comes a baby. Like a builder bear.

Yeah. That's what it ought to. Oh, of course. God damn, Bill de bear cracked it. Of course they did. Build a baby. Build a baby.

Let's open that up. That's not a bad idea. Build a baby with a Ponderosa steakhouse adjacent to it. Yeah. So while your baby gets built, you can eat in a nice steak and then come back and your baby's ready to love you. Yeah. That's beautiful.

Yeah. We might be a little early on it. You know what I mean? Like to make a living baby that way. But I think we've just described the future. I think 100 years from now people be listening to this. They called it. Yep.

Build a baby. Either way, 100 years from now, people will be listening to this. No doubt about it. Yeah. Well, if they want to understand Bananza, they'd better. Yep. Yep. All right.

We are talking about, wait, here's what I say at the beginning of every episode. Hello, friend. Come on in. The gate is open wide. Welcome to Bananas for Bananasia. Today we'll be discussing. Season 3 episode 15 land grab. This episode has everything.

They broke the bank. They blew the guest star budget on this episode. There's so many guest stars. There's a, there's ladies. There's like three different women in this thing. Like all who have things to say. Three women who speak. That is unprecedented, I believe.

Can you believe it? I know I can't. It's got all four car rights yet. It's got hopsing. He's so funny in this episode. Oh, man, I'll tell you what. It's got a military colonel getting a bath from Hopson. It's got everything.

I can't think of one thing it doesn't have. And you liked it. I absolutely loved it. Have you ever watched a Bonanza before? No, this was my first episode, but it certainly won't be my last. You got a good one. Isn't it something? What a sweetheart, my goodness.

We're glad we met you. I can't wait. Man, we got to get Kyle together with Marky because you might just be That would mean the world to me. Just I think she's so strong and mean and beautiful. I don't know about, though. I could vouch for the mean part. For sure.

She's real mean when it comes to. She can be brutal. She really can be. She makes me afraid. Yes, she does. Yes, that's true. Not me. I'm a brave man, but I understand why I'd say that.

Yeah. Cutting. I'm not brave, but I like to be scared. You do? By women, yeah. Oh, you're going to get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're really going to like her.

You're going to get it. If you like to be sort of oppressed, you're going to have a happy life. That's kind of my thing, yeah. All right, well, good. You're going to have a happy life. Let's talk about some of the things that was going on in the country when this episode first aired. You know what day it aired on? Oh, what?

New Year's Eve, 1961. That's right. Whoa. Can you think of a better way to spend your New Year's Eve and sitting in and watching a brand new episode of bananas on a Sunday night. Absolutely not. As long as there's Mountain Dew involved. Would there be Mountain Dew?

Code Red. I don't know if they had it yet. Well, they had original Mountain Dew. Oh. You know what the name comes from. What? Like Moonshine. Do from a mountain.

No, Moonshine. Mountain Dew. Man, I never really put that. You never thought about that before. Mountain Dew, that's a term for moonshine. Really? I believe so. I think you're right.

Mountain Dew. Why did they name their... The soft drink after that. I think maybe because it basically gets kids drunk on how much caffeine's in there. Is that the idea? Yeah, I think it just cracks kids wide open. Or nothing if not fact checkers. Hold on.

Much going to get to the bottom of this question of why the relationship between moonshine are like still made gin in the mountains of Tennessee and Mountain Dew the beverage. Do you think that they had Baja Blast-flavored moonshine? I don't know. The name Mountain Dew originated from an old Scotch, Irish slang term for Moonshine or Whiskey. Soft drink was created in the 1940s by Tennessee Bottlers. Barney and Ali Hartman as a mixer for whiskey, so the name was a playful nod to its intended alcoholic roots. Wow.

Holy shit. And now it's just for kids. Early bottles featured Hillbilly Design to capitalize on the names association with Moonshine. Hillbilly Design. Here's a picture. Look at see that. Hillbillies aren't known for their design work. Oh, there really is.

Yeah. Hold on, I got to. Yeah. That's a hillbilly. I never hear about anybody mixing Mountain Dew with whiskey today. No,

you really don't. My friend Jared tried it and you got expelled from school. Oh, no. Yeah, he brought in a bottle to school in the principal column so you got expelled. But it's fucking badass.

To bring whiskey to school in the way. Are you a middle schooler? Yeah, I'm an eighth grader. So basically, I'm basically in high school. Cooler. Oh, yeah. Pretty close.

Big man on campus. Yeah. Yeah. Man, I'll tell you. If you, somebody bringing a bottle of whiskey to eighth grade, that's advanced. Yeah, I think his dad has a problem. So we're actually all really feeling sad for the guy. Yeah, but not me.

I think it's great, man. I'd like to take, I'm giving out too many handshakes. But I'd like to shake the hand to the eighth grade of the brings a bottle of whiskey. Yeah. Man. All right. It was New Year's Eve, 1961. The number one movie.

was flower drum song. You never know anything about that? I'm going to be honest with you. Absolutely not. Yeah, me too. It was a movie. Let's see here. You know who's in?

It was Jack Sue from Barney Miller. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was the first major Hollywood feature film to have a majority Asian-American cast in a contemporary Asian-American story. It would be the last film to do so until the Joy Look Club to do that. then it comes it's by roger hammerstein the music man of broadway and it's got the song i enjoy being a girl you know that song no i actually do i enjoy being a girl that's what it is yeah i know that one yeah it's a great song my sister listens to it all the time

oh really yeah yeah it has some interesting notions about what it means to be a girl well it's 1961. It's not makeup and being skinny and stuff like that. The important things. Yeah, maybe I'll just find the lyrics. I'll read you lyrics because it's, it is a, man, if more girls could just understand that this is the way to be a girl. Maybe if we could get Markey to sing this song.

That would be beautiful. I think she sings so good. She does sing good. Sometimes she's sung a little bit here. She needs to project a little bit more, my opinion, but she's a good singer. All right. I'm a girl. And by me, that's only.

great. Oh, she's also Asian. So maybe some of the syntax will be a little hop sing-like. Oh. I am proud that my silhouette is curvy, that I walk with a sweet and girlish gait. With my hips kind of swively and swervy. I adore being dressed in something frilly. When my date comes to get me at my place,

out I go with my Joe or John or Billy like a Philly who is ready for the race. Why don't today's girls see themselves as fillies ready for the race? That had an internal rhyme as well. Philly and Philly. Yeah. Wow. Wow.

That's fantastic. It's a pretty seductive song. It is right. It's kind of hard to keep hearing you say all those lyrics. Oh, Kyle's getting a little excited. Swiveling in their walks and curvy's and stuff. Oh, I'm glad I didn't get up the video for it because it's one of those things. She's got like, I don't know what she's wearing, but it's so short that it's like you spend the whole time going, is there underwear's underwear?

Oh, my God. I'm spending a lot of my time thinking that. Oh, yeah. Kyle's going to grow up to be a real bird dogger that's felt there. Yeah. Yeah. Look out for him. He's trouble.

He's an ace. I don't know what that means, but yes. Oh, don't worry about. He's a World War II flying ace. I'll tell you. When I have a brand new hairdo with my eyelashes all in curl, I float as the clouds on air do. I enjoy being a girl.

When men say I'm cute and funny and my teeth aren't teeth but pearl, I just lap it up like honey. I enjoy being a girl. And you're saying this was written by a fella? It's hard to believe. That's interesting. You're right about that. He understands the psyche what it's like to enjoy being a girl.

Yeah. I guess I've never tried to tell a woman before, your teeth aren't teeth but pearl. Yeah. Now I'm going to try it. Do you think they'll get scared? Like, what do you mean? My teeth are pearls now? What happened?

What happened? I would get scared if someone told me my teeth weren't teeth. Me too. It's a beautiful song. At the time that they was shooting this movie, there's an episode of some show called Wagon Train and an actor named Arnold Stang. was cast as a China man. I know who Arnold Stey.

Oh, you do? Yeah, you'd know him if you saw him. Yeah. And I'm assuming he's a white gentleman. He is, but he's real, let's say, nerdy. Oh, okay. It's a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad world. He talks like this.

What's this part in that movie? He's one of the gas station attendants. Okay, yeah. Oh, I think we talked about him on this show before. He's probably been on. Yeah, he's been on Bonanza. Well, he was on wagon train as a Chinese man wearing rubber eyelids. And the reason given for this casting decision was all of Hollywood's Oriental actors were busy making flower drum song.

So there you go. Well, there was Hop singing flower drum song? Well, I don't think so. He might have been available for a wagon train yourself. James. Oh, James Hong. Was he in flower drum song? Well, no.

I mean, okay. All right. So now you mentioned two. or the one that could have used as that Arnold's thing. But maybe they was not answering their phones. In those days, you know what, Kyle? They didn't have, you know how like today?

People have phones in their pockets and whatnot? Yeah. That wouldn't have been the occasion. They didn't have a pockets. Where would they have put their phones then? Oh, you'd have to screw it into the wall at home, I think, or put it on the table. But then how would you check Instagram when you're out and about?

That's a crazy thing. See that, Kyle? These kids don't know. You can't check Instagram on a phone on the wall. wall. You can't do it. I mean, I guess maybe you'd have to go to people's houses to see their pictures on their walls or in their books, like an actual book they put it in. This sounds like a horrible time in history. If you wanted to know like what people was up to, you'd have to dial a number and then you'd have to, I guess, get a hold of that person you wanted to get a hold of and say,

what did you have for dinner? And then they'd tell you, but you wouldn't have a way of seeing it. I know this sounds like a whole crazy word. It's nuts. Holy shit, he's got one here. Whoa, it's falling apart. I know. I got to fix that because this is no shit. Dwight D. Eisenhower's phone.

That's Dwight D. Eisenhower's phone for real? It's from his summer White House. So what kinds of phone calls to Dwight make on this phone? What do you say? It's probably like, hey, Marilyn Monroe, get over here. Didn't all the presidents love her? Yeah. She was very popular amongst the president.

Launch the nukes. There's no buttons on that thing. I know. That's because it was a hotline. I believe it was... Whoa. His... The summer White House in Newport, I think, Rhode Island, White House.

And I believe this would go straight to the White House. That's why. So you just pick it up and there's the president? Well, he's calling from Newport probably to, I don't know, whoever's Secretary of State was. Probably Maryland Monroe or? Yeah, probably... Oh, this is the hotline to Maryland Monroe. Nice.

I wish I had a hotline to Markey, but... I worry about you, Mark, I worry. You know, it's like what's going to happen? Who's going to be the influence on who? Is there a possible chance of market could corrupt you? I'm hoping so. Oh, you're hoping so. I would love to be corrupted by her.

No. The Beach Boys played their debut gig on, under the name the Beach Boys on New Year's Eve, 1961. How about that? Wow. Was they someone else prior? I guess they must have had some other name or something or some different line. Sand boys.

The lake kids. Ocean guys. Ocean guys. The ocean guys are now the beach boys. Happy New Year. Get used to it. Celebrity birthdays, Rick Aguilera, baseball player. All right.

We're only here's some fun facts about who was in this episode. Absolutely. Man, oh, man, this is so many goddamn guest stars. I don't know where to begin. There's so many of them. But I'm going to begin with the one. I could talk about all day. John McGiver, who played Colonel Bragg in this episode.

I call him Old Mr. Soup. Because the first time we see him, he's in a big pot of soup. I don't think that was soup. Looks like soup. It looks like a, but he'd have been an ingredient in the soup. He's taking a bath, Kyle, and Hoping is giving him a bath. He's old Mr. Boolean. What?

Mr. Boolean. He's got, there's a big old tub in the living room of the ranch house. at the Ponderosa. Not the first time we've seen that. That's true. That is the place to give a person a bath, I guess. Right by the couch. Yeah, yeah, all right.

He's got a broken, busted foot, I guess. He broke his foot or something. And so he's got his casted foot out of the tub, and Hoping is scrubbing him. And he's ordering hop. We're getting into recapping already. But yeah, he's taking a bath. He is not an ingredient in a soup that Hoping is making.

But I understand your confusion because Hop Singh is the cook on the Pondas. Thank you. Thank you. So it could be. It could have been. But thank goodness they have not resorted to cannibalism. At any time in 81 episodes of this show. Probably on 82.

I hope not. Man, I hope not. Never we've seen anybody get eaten by another person on this show, have we? That we know of. That we know of. This guy was, sounds like, where would you guess he's from based on the way he speaks? Old Londontown. Old London town.

He's from the Bronx. Yeah. Just how the man speaks. He was a high school English teacher in the Bronx. That you can picture. That explains his education. Yeah. You can picture that.

He was in World War II. He was in the Battle of the Ball. Oh. My gosh. Carety guess how old he was when he filmed this episode of Bonanza? You know, he looks about 75, so I'm going to have to guess 30. 30 at the time. Adjusted for 1961?

Yeah. I'd say he's 41. He was 47. Okay. Oh, wow. That's actually, I'm going to be honest, horrifying. That's absolutely terrifying. It is terrifying.

He lived only to be 61 years old. And I'll tell you why. He had 10 children. Oh, you can't live. That guy did? That guy had 10 children. All with one wife? Yes, and her name was Ruth Schmigelsky.

Can you imagine having 10 children with a woman named Ruth Schmigelsky? He must have had a pet name for her or something like that. I don't know what she looked like. She looked like a Schmigelsky, I bet. Man, a real Schmigelsky. It's like at least change it to anything else. She didn't even take his name when they got married? Oh, I hope she did.

Ruth McGiiver, that's better. It's much better. Smegelsky. So he's got all kinds of progeny running around. I know. Probably listening to this show. One of them is, only one of them became an actor. Who's that?

He was in The Wire. His name is Boris Mitz. He was in the wire? He was in the wire? I know. You look him up. I couldn't remember him. He was a police detective in season four who like took over the squad or some shit.

Boris McGaver. You look him up and you'll see him and you'll say, maybe, maybe. Maybe. Oh, yes. Okay. That's, holy shit. This is the son of John McIgible. Yeah, he's all over that season.

Oh, he is? Wait. No, he's the journalist. That guy's in lots of stuff. That guy's the bad guy. and um oh em night shaman's tv show on apple yes yeah was it called the servant the servant you can really see john mcgiver in this guy yep so ruth schmigelsky what's her name ruth smigelsky you got it right it's schmigelsky i had a kid named boris yeah boris schmigelsky

wow look at that i'll be damn i definitely remember this guy from the wire he's good in it he's he's a journalist oh okay he's a scary fellow on tv i'll be honest When he's talking to his bank and they say mother's maiden name, he has to say Schmigelsky. Oh, yeah. But no one can ever crack his questions for security, you know. She has to tell you about Schmogelsky. That's true. All right, I want to play you some things that.

Okay. Boris's father, John, was the wonderful guy in Breakfast at Tiffany's who works at Tiffany's. And he's such a sweetheart and he agrees to put an engraving on the little ring they got out of the Cracker Jack box. Oh, you should watch it. It's beautiful. You ever see Breakfast of Tiffany? I have another film where a white guy plays an Asian guy.

Incredible time in our lives. Who are you talking about, Mickey Rooney? Of course. He might be Chinese. Well, either way, he's playing a Japanese person in this, isn't he? Yeah. Yeah. Here, okay, I just want to play you this one sentence.

This is from an episode of The Twilight Zone. Man, John McGi, John McGiber, one thing in his, career he got lots of speeches people love to give him speeches and this is this is just one look at that beautiful english bronx accent i guess that's what it is this is just one piece of a long speech he gives in twilight so man he's good which one is this you know in our house we never had any cookies all we had were fudge brownies because they made less noise when you chewed them wow that's that class that's he met my mother That's from Hamlet?

What is that from? I don't know. The way he says fudge brownies. Fudge brownies. Whatever murders he committed is deserved. That poor guy didn't have cookies growing up and that's messed up. Which episode of Twilight Zone is that? It's called something like Sound and something.

It's not called Fudge Brownies? It should be called Fudge Brownie. And now I'm going to show you a commercial he did for bags. Excuse me? He did a commercial. commercial for bags. Just general bags. Just the concept of bags.

Just about. No, it's a brand of bags I never heard of. And I think it must predate zip locks because it looks like they're not ziplock bags, but they want to be. And they're like, you know who we've got to get to sell our product? This guy. And now there's a joke, I think. You'd have to call it a joke at the end of this commercial that I truly don't understand. And I would love to see if you guys could shed any light on it.

I don't understand. I'll ship some light on it. All right. This is for bags. Oh She's Cause that alligator Makes baggie's best

For freezing too Why See how phone stays Snug inside You get real protection From freezer burn With baggie's Alligator bags

Uncle John If it's rough and tough Is it Ask your mother What does it mean That seems to be Sort of a sexual moment Yeah

I think so Ask your mother If it's a boy alligator Yeah I think What she's saying is you got to look at the alligator's pecker.

It's okay. Just for the listener, this is a, it's a box of bags that you're going to wrap your food in. And the food is not going to look attractive in that bag. Even in a TV commercial, they can't make it look attractive in the bag. They squish that meat in that bag with abandoned.

They did their best, but it doesn't look attractive. No. And, and, on the box is an alligator. They say baggies. Alligator brand bags.

And he says it's a rough and tough alligator. And she says, if it's rough and tough, is it a boy? And he gets uncomfortable and says, ask your mother. So you're saying is she attracted to the alligator? I think for sure 100% she's horny for the alligator. But also, I think we should talk about how the commercial starts. Yes, yes. Are you going to tell, like, little girls, the truth about alligators?

It's a cartoon alligator who starts off the commercial saying, yeah, can you tell your children the truth But it was little girls I think Little girls I think specifically it was like

Are we gonna tell Little girls The truth about Alligators But it was about bags All this seems vaguely This commercial

vaguely familiar to me It does I'd seen that As a kid or something I was Old enough to Then do you get The joke at the end

No but I do get A little Funny feeling Yeah Also why was it A little girl And her uncle I know

Why wasn't it Like dad or mom? There's a lot of problems going on here. And that guy's creepy looking. With her weird old uncle with his strange. Her British uncle. Your mother did have me give you the birds and bees talking. Yeah.

And we did it with a plastic bag. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah. And you were like, this is a boy alligator. And if you like that, that's okay.

Yeah. Oh, you know what it is. Now I get it. Something you two said made it clear to me. In a pinch, if you don't have any condoms, you can use an alligator bag. You can put your meat in it. Right?

That's the subtext of the commercial. And is that actually the purpose of the product? They can't come out and advertise it that way. Yeah. Like you know that you see those cylindrical back massagers, but we all know what they're really sure. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I found one in mom's drawer. Oh, well, come on. You know what that is? A vibrator. Stop it. That's my sister. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's a back massager. No, I'm aware. and honestly more power to her, you know, she needs to get off on her own, go for it. Okay, fine, fine, fine. That's sophisticated for a 13-year-old boy. I know. I appreciate it.

This boy is far exceeded. Anyone else in the family, including myself. Oh, yes. All right, so that's what it is. Baggy's alligator brand bags was actually a condom, but they couldn't come right out and advertise it that way. And so they chose to have a little girl get attracted to a cartoon alligator. Yeah.

Taylor's old as time. Taylor's old is time. Okay, very, I'm glad we cracked it. She weird. Strange condom, though, the way it just sheets of plastic doesn't seem fully effective. Yeah, but I think in those days, if you were to go to the druggist and ask for condoms, it was like you had to fill out federal forms and all that stuff. And they would ring a bell and make a general announcement to the town that you had purchased them. So, you know, you go buy something that's almost as good.

Right. Just bring your niece and give the attendant. a big wink when you buy them. Bring your niece. Bring your niece to buy them. Where are we going, uncle? Shut up. To get some fucking bags.

John McGiver was also in Gilligan's Island as Lord Beasley Waterford looking for a rare butterfly. These men, can you imagine the poor luck of these stranded people on an island? An eccentric like Lord from the House

of Lords of England comes to the island to catch a butterfly. Now, Of course they're thinking, we're going to get off this island. How hard it would be to get off island now? A man came here on purpose. He ain't staying here the rest of his life. We're going to go with him when he leaves. And did he leave him behind?

Yeah. Tale is old of time. Every guest episode, they always left him behind. Ain't that something? I haven't watched this show. So every time somebody comes and then just leaves him there? Most times. Yeah.

You got Phil Silvers comes as Harold Hakeba. They do a full Shakespearean musical. And then he just leaves. The globe draughters come. Yeah. The globe. The rock band The Mosquitoes. That's right.

I mean, lots of people. There's no room on their boats to go back? Oh, sure. Yeah, but they end up just some kind of mishap or whatnot. Well, it's always Gilligan's fault is the goddamn truth of the matter. If they just came together as a group and just strangled Gilligan to death, they'd be off the island in a week. Wow. Yeah.

Anyway, that's a whole. show. Boy. John McGiver was also in a movie called the Great Man's Whiskers, in which a 10-year-old girl writes a letter to President Abraham Lincoln, urging him to grow a beard. That's what the whole movie was about. And it's a letter?

It's a TV movie, to be fair. Okay. His last film was the Apple Dumpling Gang in 1975. Yeah, I remember that. What a career! All right. Now, Mike Sullivan, he's the bad guy in this episode. He's played by George Mitchell.

He's been a million things, but maybe the only thing when he played the comic relief as a cranky old town drunk who, along with an infant, were among the only survivors of exposure to the deadly Andromeda Strain in the movie Andromeda Strait. You remember cranked old drunk and Andromeda Strain?

I watched half of that movie the other, I don't know, maybe six months ago and I didn't get very far. It's real slow. Oh, yeah. The strain takes years to kill there. Good question. But I guess I just had the ending reveal

to me. Oh, that's okay. That'll happen. A drunk and a baby are immune to the strain. What could they have in common? Oh, oh, oh, I don't know. Their favorite color. There's the only two people on earth who have the same favorite color. It's real specific color. It's like a Hamtone 398.

It's just kind of like a type of real rare sienna. Yeah. I buy it. The little French girl in this simple. The low and no, I know she's got a baby. The French mama. Here's the deal with this lady. Okay.

Bonanza was popular in Belgium at this time. No shit. Apparently. And in a Belgian newspaper, they wrote an article about Bonanza. And then somebody brought the Belgian newspaper to the cast of Bonanza to say, look, they're writing about you in Belgium. Michael Landon's flipping through the newspaper, and he sees a Belgian TV actress named Lizette.

Lizette Lowe's and he says, fly her out here and put her on our show. She is irresistible. And she was literally had full curls and a red dress. They were like, honey, she's hot. They literally gave her the treatment for the show. Weeks from having a baby on the trail. Yeah, looking like snatched while the other two women are old lesbians who like hide in the woods. Here's Michael Landon on the set of Bonanza telling Lizette,

where they're going to go fuck over there behind the horse I wonder if they did get it on they must have got it on look at the two of them he's like basically inside of her chair that's how much he wants to have sex with her yeah yeah I wonder if they did she's looking to a PA like please help

this is her one and only credit on IMDB Wow isn't that interesting but she was working as an actress in Belgium apparently but there's no Belgian IMDB. No, and they never will be if I have anything to do with it. God damn right. I don't want to tell you why, but it's a long story. You got a beef with the Belgians? Oh, boy. The waffles. Yeah, the waffles. There's Jean-Claude's Van Dam. All of them. Let me tell you something. There ain't no goddamn difference between a Belgian waffle and a regular

goddamn waffle. It's just a fucking waffle. Is that right? I think so. If you don't put ice cream on it, aren't they thicker and bigger? They're thicker and bigger for sure. Than a regular American waffle? Yeah, ours are pretty flat and sad, and there's a big. a dick. We can make in this country as big a goddamn waffle as we want. I'll bet you if look in the Guinness Book of World Records, the biggest waffle in the world was made here in the United States. I can't say that for sure, but I'm damn right. I'm sure it is true. Where do they make the biggest goddamn waffle? Find out on your phone, which would not have been possible in 1961. How would you find out? I think you'd have to call. Well, maybe you would. You'd look up a number

in the yellow pages for the Guinness Book of World Records. Oh, this is just going to piss you off. First of all, we have an answer. Oh, my God. The world's largest waffle was made by Stichting Gouda Uxt in Gouda, Netherlands. In the Netherlands. What? June 29th, 2013, it weighed 50 kilograms, 110 pounds, 3.68 ounces, and measured 8 feet in diameter. We can beat that guy. Of course we can beat that.

We can beat that. That is not that big. But look, it's also wide and thin. And circular. That ain't a goddamn wotple. You can't make a circular waffle. That's tell it to Ego, the greatest American company. I'm not a lot of them circular.

I think the Belgian ones might be the square ones. Let's find out what the difference is. We've got to get to the bottom of this. It's important to understand this episode of Vanessa. That damn it. This girl I also tell you she went to the E-Cold dart drama to Q in Belgium. What did you just say? It was Belgium's national drama school, the E-Col DART Drama to Cue.

The main difference are that Belgian waffles are thicker, larger, and have deeper pockets, while regular American-style waffles are thinner with shallower grids. And no pockets at all. When I make a waffle, it's got the deepest goddamn pockets. You could keep two sets of keys in a wallet in there if you want to. You better believe it. We got some ground to make up in the waffle gap. We really do.

You know what I mean? I declare war against Belgium on Waffle. This is why I'm pissed at Belgium. Faye McKenzie played one of the two lesbian sisters. She was the party guest in Breakfast at Tiffany's who's laughing and crying at the mirror. It's a funny gag. Wow. There's a crazy party going on and she's looking at a mirror.

Well, first you see her laughing like she's having a wonderful conversation. Then you see she's talking to a mirror. And then they come back to her later and she's crying at a sad story. She's still talking to the mayor. She's losing her mind. That was also 1961. So they just took the whole cast over for this episode. I guess so.

You guys on break? Come on. Yeah. The guy who played Haas was the main woman in it, I think. Oh, no, you're thinking of. I think, well, yeah, maybe. You might be thinking of Audrey Hipper, but I'm not sure. I'm no expert on that.

I don't think so. Easy mistake. She also played Alice Clutterbuck in the party. That's right. Clutterbuck. That is what I know her from. Yeah. Alice Clutterbuck, they're the, they host the party in the party.

Yeah, this actress's husband wrote the party. Oh, really? Do you think he made her audition? I bet you he did. Get up there, do your lines. Oh, I love that movie so much. We're seeing a lot of really exciting actresses for this part. Faye, I don't know if I can give it to you.

Alice Clutterbuck. She also, what else? Oh, she lived to be 101 years old. Jesus. Wow. What year she died? Yesterday. Oh, wow.

RIP. Yeah. No, it might have been like 2019 or some shit. Wow. So she was alive for the biggest waffle? She was. Oh, maybe, yeah. Man.

She'd have been old, though. I don't know if you'd take a trip all the way up in Netherlands in your 90s to see the big... Well, maybe you would. I don't know. I didn't know about it. Go to Oaks to Bergstrom or whoever made it. Jesus Christ. She was in a movie called Love, Honor, and Oh, baby.

Oh. Next, the other lesbian sister, the two sisters. These gals are sisters. Just get Were they sisters? Because to me, they were like, we're unmarried women in the woods. And I was like,

those are two lesbians who like found solace alone. Are they lesbians? Are they sisters? Are they both? And if so, are they incestuous lesbian sisters? Well, according to-

Tale is old as time again. And it is. According to their character names, they both have the same last name. But they don't identify themselves as sisters in the episode. They only say, we're unmarried ladies. Which to me is the clue.

Yeah, I know, but they're really... But what if they're married and one of them took the other name? You know? Right, that could be it. Schmegelsky or what they? But they really are trying to robe Haas in, aren't they? Yeah, that's true. They want to get a threesome going with Haas, it seems like.

Maybe they just want them to sit in the corner and watch. Okay, that's what they're into. Which one's Alice Clutterbuck? When they come at the end, the one... The brunette. The brunette, the older looking one. I guess so. Yeah, okay.

Do you know who the other one was? Who now? Her name was Eileen Ryan. She is... Irene Ryan. Eileen Ryan. Sean Penn's mother. Yeah.

Big gas. She's got a lot to answer for. Madonna's former mother-in-law. Wow. That's amazing. She birthed Jeff Spacoli. That's right. Wow.

And Michael Penn and Chris Pan too. I thought that was a half-brother situation, but they all have the same mother. I don't know. They can still be half-brothers. I think they have the same. What could they be? If you have half.

They look a lot of like. They do look. Oh, rest in peace, Chris Penn. Yeah, he's done that. Yeah.

But yeah. And she's a, she did a bunch of, she's married to Leo Penn. And she, she's in a bunch of movies with her sons. This is very nice. Harvey Milk.

Maybe she's even in Harvey Milk. I am Sam. She is definitely an I am Sam. No kidding. It's true. At close range and the crossing guard. Oh, yeah. At close range.

Yeah. Yeah. And she was in all the president's men, but a 2006 version that is not the same story. What? I know. They made it again, but different. It's about something else altogether. Okay. Why would you call it that? Just to get the people who really liked that movie involved. Yeah, I guess. But all the King's Horses is also available. So is this a movie about Humpty Dumpty? You know, neither of these all the Kingsmen movies is about Humpty Dumpty.

We got to make one. It's a tragic figure. There's never been like a live action, full feature-length movie about Humpty Dumpty. You want like Christopher Nolan treatment of Humpty Dumpty. I think so. You know, it's made real. With inception elements. Yes.

Let's humanize this guy. He keeps falling off the wall. Because the room keeps twisting. The guy who played Henri Belrose is still alive. How about that? Wow. He wrote a bunch of TV shows. You know what he does now?

What? Oh, boy. Get ready. As I explain what this is to maybe take a brief nap because it's the most boring thing in the world. He works in script clearances. You write a screenplay and you send it to this fellow whose name is Dennis Whitcomb. And he will pour through it with a whitcomb. And he'll say, fine, wetcombe.

Yeah. He'll say things like, you can't have a character named that. because there is a real person by that name in the same town where your thing takes place. He's still doing this? He's 83 years old. And he's still doing this? Stop. Put him out of his misery.

How did you find him out? Let him go. IMDB has him credited as a script clearance on all kinds of things dating back like the last year he did one. No offense. Can we trust this man? He's an encyclopedia. That's what he does now. I put him in the same category as people who like want to be stage managers where it's like,

Like, I don't have that bone in my body, but thank God that you do. I know. And also take it easy. And also, yeah, get a life. Yeah, take it easy. He only charges $1,300 for this service. I can tell you that. I've been to his website.

Really? He's got a website for it. Can we see the website? All right, fine. Do you think he designed it himself? Oh, I hope so. Let's see here. Hollywood script research is the name of his company.

This is great. Did he act much? No, but he also, he acted a little, and then he wrote. for TV. He wrote an episode of the Munsters. No kidding. A terrifying show. It is terrifying. That show is terrible. Hollywood script research.

Incredible with the big banner of just the Hollywood sign so you know it's real. Why choose us? Decades of experience. Lowest rates in the industry. Quick turnaround time. Two to three business days. This poor man. Do they guarantee their work?

I mean, what if you? Oh no. It's a $1,000. flat fee. The price is gone down. Each year he ages, the price goes down. Oh my God. Yeah. This is one of the most boring websites I've ever seen. For the most

boring business you can have. We provide you with two to three alternate names as close to the original as possible, included freeze. You had a name like Dan Clark. Well, how about Band Dark? This old guy is just making up similar

names. Yeah. But he's the best, he's the cheapest in the business at it. You can just do a generator on Google for that. Well, do you ever seen LA Confidential and there's like a bad guy in it named Rolo Tumasi? And all my years I've, like, that's just not a name. And it probably was that the guy's name was like Ronald, you know, Tupmeijian or something.

And this guy came along. Dennis Whitcomb said. And he's, he's eating some Rolos. He looks at the thing. Hey, how about that? That could be Rollo? I ran it through our very careful algorithm and computer, like card entry data punch computers. And Rollo Tumasi is the closest you can get to the name you want. And it's good. Yeah. We got to talk about this episode. I don't got time to tell you about any other. Okay. Okay. Sorry. No, it's fine. Let's do it. Okay. Okay. This episode starts with a wagon train and a tree falling down. And basically, though, Joe and Ben ride up. on a party of men who are ornery and mean and they're building a log cabin.

And they have purchased this piece of land from a man named Polk. But this land is on the Ponderosa. They've been swindled by Polk. They say they have a deed, but it's got to be a fraudulent deed. But they are like, man, I spent money to buy this land. You ain't taking it from me. They're very hostile toward Joe and Ben. And they're lightly Irish, I feel.

Lately Irish. There's a little Irishness to them. There's his Sullivan's, yeah. That's right. Well, that scene, I mean, I'm surprised right then and there, Ben and Joe should have shut all three of them did. Just right in the head. Yeah, execution style.

Yeah. But they don't. They say, boop. And they ride off. Mm-hmm. All right. Now, next scene, they ride up on our two lesbian sisters. Just trying to live their lives.

Yes. But this scene is a comical scene. You can tell by the music, the funny music plays, even though somebody pulls a rifle and shoves it right in Ben's face. When women have guns, it's hilarious. Women trying to, like, live on their own. That's funny, too. It's funny. The idea that a woman would shoot men is, that's pretty funny.

Yeah. Well, I'm glad for the comical relief there. But again, it happens to Ben and Joe. They should have murdered these women. that is on their land claiming to have a deed to it but they ride off they just say we're not going to kill nobody

ridiculous then they come up on the French couple young hot ready to go just had a baby both looking good these are the hottest people out there congrats to them straight from France Henri and Lizzy

someone who's had a baby that's exactly how you look as soon as yeah yeah yeah freshly curled hair lipstick fucking on on. Rested. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, damn. Yeah. But nobody gets to fucking ore fighting in this scene. But it's the same scene again. These people have a fraudulent deed. Now we see Hop Singh making Colonel Bragg soup in the living room. Yeah. I just want to say right now, justice for Hop Singh, I hope he finds peace.

I hope he finds a new place to live. What do you mean? We'll get to it. But later when he tried to leave the. The bad boy brother was like, you're one of the family, which to me is just like corporate speak of like shut the fuck up and stay. Yeah, total line. Well, I suppose. But this is a, he's been pushed you far hop saying by this colonel.

Absolutely. By the soup guy. Yeah. He decides he is leaving the ponderosa. Good for him. I bet he's been serving them food for all these years. This is extreme move to leave like that. And he has to wake up so early to do that long braid.

I mean, braiding takes a long time. I know because I have a sister. Oh, you braid your sister's hair sometimes? She makes me. You like that. All right. Good, good. But there was a moment.

I got a little nervous because Hop Singh poured some cold water on the colonel's head. And that is a wig. So they was, you know what I mean? I got nervous. Yeah, that's scary. The wig would fall into the soup. I was terrified. I needed to have wig soup.

If I found a big wig in my soup, then I'd be bad. Waiter, there's a wig in my soup. Shh. I just. wanted Colonel Bragg soup. I didn't want a wig in there. Well, now Adam, Cartwright, and Kip, a ranch hand right up. And Kip is such a nice guy. I have a question about Kip. Has he been on the show? No, no. They are. Okay. Okay. Nor has Colonel Polk. Okay. None of these regulars except for Hop Singh have ever been on the show. Okay, because when

Kip died, I was like, have we been building to this? Or is this man just brought here to be murdered? No. But they treat it that way. Every episode, they introduce someone who we should. should know and love as if they've been on the show for years. Okay, with a name like Kip, it's like, we love that guy. Yeah. I had a feeling he was going to die at the moment that he was like such a solid, dependable, good man. Yep. And yeah, that means you're going to die on this show.

And this is the scene you're talking about. Hop Singh is sneaking away. Yes. He's leaving the Ponderosa for good. He's going to get out of this lifestyle. He's had all this time. But Adam turns him around by saying, well, you can't go. You're part of the family.

I think that's manipulation right there. Yeah, but it works. Of course. Yeah. So it's good. Yeah. Okay, good. All right.

Good for the family, bad for Hopstein. I mean, my boss of Panera, he said the same similar stuff to me. Oh, really? Yeah. You got to work permit to work that? Yeah. I'm just trying to make my own money so I could take someone on a date. Oh, that's pretty cute.

Someone named, you know, Markey or something. Oh, my God. We got to make this happen. Yeah. I stir the soups. For the pick twos? For the what? At Panera Bread, you can pick two.

Two what? You could pick, well, thanks for asking. You could pick a soup or a salad or a sandwich, and it's hard sometimes because you're like, what if I want two soups or what if I want, you know, all three? Oh, my God. But I stir the soup at Panera Bread and Company. We're going to have. There's a real line because what's the little boppers name?

Uh, remember? Ted Sanders. Ted Sanders. Yeah. He wanted to take Markey to. prom. That's true. Wait, Ted did? Yeah. You know Ted?

Yeah, he's a really good-looking guy. Yeah, I guess. You're good-looking? Don't sell yourself short-calf? No, it's okay. I'm just not as strong and tall as. No, here's what. I'll set you up in real dude western wear. You're going to look really good. And that'll speak to Markey, I'm sure. That's a good idea. That's what young women these days are into.

If you show up with a proper pair of cowboy boots with spurs on them and everything, I'll get you in a western shirt. that buttons up the sides and not the middle, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. You can unbutton it. Pan out of middle, yeah. Should I be wearing chaps as well?

If you can. And underneath those, should I wear pants or should it just reveal assless? No, don't bother. Just assless chas. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And then then you can decide when to reveal that. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Will you go out with me? And then just flip the ass. Yeah. And the fringe on the side of the chaps. Just a little. Yeah. All right, good.

This is going to be great. Well, now, Colonel Bragg, here we have a scene, all four of the cart riots and Colonel Bragg, who been served under in some sort of military capacity. I don't know what. But they're all sitting there and they're talking about this problem of the settlers who believe they have proper deeds to pieces of land

on the pond of Rosa. And Colonel Bragg is the only one in the room who to my mind says the right thing he says fucking kill him fucking run them off the land yeah fucking right on down there with guns of blazing

and get rid of these mother he wants to be rid of them for some reason he's giving he's giving big Trump energy this whole thing this reminds me of kind of like the ice and everything you know just sort of is like

oh oh let's get these people off the land he also has a messed up foot like Trump has his big fat ankles right now uh huh and his hair is not on Trump like Yeah. Yeah. Also, just this whole, this whole episode to me is like, never save a man's life.

Because then you're stuck with that man. That's right. Because Ben saved his life and now they're kind of stuck together. Yeah, a lot of good. That did him. Yeah. It's like, just let the guy die. If any of you out there could save a guy's life, don't do it.

Because one day, that person's going to be in some kind of jeopardy and he's going to show up on your doorstep. You're going to say, I got a broken foot. You saved my life once. Now you've got to put me up to my foothills. 100% Yeah, that's an interesting transaction Now, however, he was When he got thrown off of the horse

To break his foot That was a horse that Ben had sold him And therefore Ben was responsible For the broken foot But I still feel there's something there About how he saved his life And now they're tied together spiritually.

Yeah, it's a life debt You'll see it in episode one Of Star Wars the Phantom Menace When Quigon saves Jar Jar's life Jar Binks? Yeah, Jar Jar Jar Binks. You like Jar Jar Binks? He's cool. He's funny. He makes sense.

All right. The youth of today, whatever. They're into what they're into. Not to sidetrack too much, but there is Jar Jar Binks porn, and I think that you should know that. Oh, there is? Really? Yeah. Okay. Is he doing human girls, boys, or is the other gungins? Some of it's animated, and so it's just anyone that he can get. Okay.

That tracks. Like the alligator from the baggies commercial? Exactly like that. Okay. And I don't mean to be indelicate, but how well is Jar Jar Jar? Extremely. Oh, okay. He's endowed.

That doesn't surprise me. Yeah. And where are you going to find this? If I just Google Jar Jar, Jor porn, you think I'll get there? Yes, 100%. But you might want to put binks in there. Otherwise, you might get like porn with jars. B-I-N-K-S?

There's like an image I can find. All right. That'd be great. Yeah. Yeah. I'll search it for you. I've also seen E.T. porn. Oh, really?

And that's with a human. I don't think I want to see that. You don't. I know his Johnson lights up at the end. I just know that. It definitely does. Of course it does. Straight to Pornhub.

Okay. Oh. Wow. I don't know if it's on there. And also just, I'd be honest, my friend Connor showed it to me, so I'm going to have to find it. Oh, okay. All right. This is troubling.

Oh, yeah. Is this kind of a thing you can't unsee and you wish you could? Well, I don't know what I'm seeing. I just saw a fella dressed as slave layer. Oh, that's nice. Kelly's a fella. The first thing right here is a Reddit and it says, seems like Jar Jar Binks has some real Jar Jar Kinks.

Oh. I hope that Jar Jar Stinks. My internet is bad, but I'm going to get this image for you as soon as possible. That would be great. Yes, I do. I try to keep up with Jar Jar and my, that's funny. My Jar Jar, Google alerts did not tell me about this. Yeah, that's weird.

That's weird. Because you do get notified. Yeah. Anyways, here's what's going to happen. The whole team splits up in this scene. This is the, basically Colonel Bragg gets voted down. We're not going to kill anybody. But here's what we'll do.

Ben hands out the assignments and not all the assignments make sense, but everybody needs something to do. All right. Kip is going to work alone. Let's get this new guy Nobody knows out by himself Out by himself rounding up stray cattle I'll go somewhere on the Ponderosa land

Adam is going to go see the sheriff in town to I suppose make inquiries about Polk All right the guy who's selling the fraudulent deeds Joe is going to look for Polk in Carson City his last known place Hoss is going to go see

visit the settlers to get intel on Polk okay and yeah that's it they're all go off to do those things what's ben gonna do i forget well i forget what ben's gonna he's got probably eat a sandwich he didn't take a wig bath he does have an assignment wig soup but sullivan and his nephew jacks are out hunting deer but they can't find no deer but they do see one of these stray cattle that's walking around that kip is supposed to round up and they shoot it now this is bad don't eat up don't fucking shoot a goddamn ponderosa

they don't call it a cow they call it a beef they said that's a dead beef yeah I was laughing man that was hilarious also it's like you guys have only been hunting for three hours like you're fine you don't need to kill the beef so fast yeah right

wait for a deer but that's it there now jacks gets mad at him he says you don't that's a dead beef you don't kill the beef that's not your beef to kill he says, I'm going to go tell everybody what you did and I've seen men hang for less. Do you think this is where the term have a beef with someone comes from? Oh, maybe it is. I really hope so because that would rock.

I know that there's this, because this area that we're in is called Annandale, and it comes from place in Scotland where there's another place in there called the Devil's Beef Tubb, which was a natural. I know. It was a natural like horseshoe of land where they used to like force cattle into dead end them, but then these bandit reavers with. would take them. And that's why it's called the devil's beef tub. I have to look into it. I can't. Is there an angel's beef tub?

Good question. I hate to think. It's just terrible. Can I go there when I die? The big angels beef tub in the sky. Beautiful. All right. Well, now this is it.

Kip shoots Jax. Or no, Jacks shoots Kip. Just like pretty much right away. Yeah. Yeah, pretty quick. I was like, this guy's done this before. This is a murderer we've got.

Yeah. He goes and just. kills Kip. He don't like, because he don't want to be turned into as a beef killer. So now we have one of the most dramatic line readings of all time. Oh, he says, now our fight for land has turned into a fight to stay alive. And he says it like looking off into the, into the great beyond. Watching that, I was like, how many takes did this man get? Just the one? He was like, that's it. How would he have any more energy for a second? Yeah. He put it all out, left it all on the field for that line.

That moment and then later when Old Man Soup just looks right into the camera being a bad guy. Like a zoom in right. He's looking right into the camera. I was like, this is incredible art. It is. That's fine. I'm glad you see it. It is art.

Now we got Haas. He goes and visits the unmarried ladies. And Sean Penn's mother is really crazy in this scene. She's walking around and sticking her gun in everybody's faces and she's making crazy faces. She's got crazy eyes. But Haas likes everything about that. Yeah. Yeah.

He's also, like, not a good liar. They're like, do you know the cart rat? And he's like, no. I'm hoss Jones. Yeah, that's what it is. My name is Rollo. Yes. He's trying not to give away that he's related to the cartwrights who they hate

because they think the car ride's trying to go. Blub, blub, blub, blub. But when they find out that hoss is single, they just, the two of them just pounce on him. Like they're going to eat them alive. That's the kind of love. I'm looking for. Yeah. Two sisters with a rifle just enveloping you.

And just to be clear, I don't know if they are sisters. Well, look, yeah, I don't know. They don't say they are. What is their last name? Gates. Oh, oh, yeah. That's right. Oh, so then they are.

Okay. I don't know. According to somebody, my MDB says they are. Now we got Adam is with the sheriff. This scene, you just snip it right out. nothing happens. But then you miss the sheriff's beautiful bowtie, elegant, long, soft, gorgeous bowtie.

Yeah, that's true. But the sheriff says, well, all right, I'll make some inquiries in San Francisco and Sacramento. And nothing ever comes in there. No point at all. No, none whatsoever. Pure filler, but aren't we happy for it? Yeah, it was a good scene. Better for it.

And I'll tell you what, Sheriff Roy Coffee there, Ray Teal was, he got paid for full episode. day. That one scene. Now we have one of the most memorable scenes of the show ever is Joe at the hotel in Carson City. And he's just there to say, is this guy Polk here in town to what you can you tell me about Polk? And the hotel clerk, he can't miss an opportunity to say how beautiful Polk's wife was. What a funny scene. And to be honest, as an ally, that was a gay man.

who worked at the, of course a gay man, you know, makes the B&B beautiful. Yeah. And he just kept saying like how hot the woman was and it just felt like, man, it's okay to be gay. Like, you're you and we love that. Yeah. Interesting. That's what you think was going on there. 100%.

He's a gay man, but he don't want to tell people he is. And so instead, when you come and you say, hey, I'm looking for this guy. He's going to go, uh-huh, beautiful woman. Gorgeous boobs. You're right. Hard for me to concentrate on. the fellow when I was so heterosexual attracted to his wife

as I am to every single woman who walks in here without fail. Yeah, but then he gives it away because he really noticed how Polk strikes a match. Oh, right on his ass. On his ass. So specific. He says, when

Polk wants to slide up one of his cigars, he strikes a match on his posterior, he said. Oh, yes. Also, that was, he was so attracted to Polk, that was just like a metaphor for just a euphemism like he has an ass so tight you could just light a match on it.

100%. And then he's like demonstrating he's like spanking himself. He demonstrates it a couple times. Saucy. He's like, say, do you get it? Yeah. Yeah, that's what happened. But anyway, Joe went all the way to Carson City for that information. Now

Colonel is at Ponderosa house. He wants the doctor to come out and take his splint off and And the doctor's name is Doc Martin. Like The shoes? Yes, and like the British detective show. Doc Martin? There's another, yeah.

Really? Doc Martin, MD? No. I kept waiting for this Doc Martin to show up because I'm wanting to have a look at his shoes. Is he wearing? I know, Doc Martin. Or at least is this where it comes from. But he never showed up.

But this is when Hop Singh reports that Kip, his horse came home without him. That's a bad sign in the old west. Your horse comes home without you? You either gotten a fight with the horse or you're dead. Have you not written a poem called his horse? horse came home without him. I love that. That's good. Yeah. The horse, you think it could be that the two of them had a five.

A falling out of some sort. And the horse's like, oh, I'm going home. But they made the decision that it's the horse that gets to go home. The other one is leaving town. You stay here. I'm going home. Yeah. I'm not leaving town. You're leaving town. Oh, that's sad. That is sad. But Ben knows something's bad now. He goes out and he finds Kip, dead Kip. under a gorgeous blanket. Well, I think it was the hide of the dead steed beef.

Yeah, but they like killed it. They skinned it. And then they covered him with it with no blood or guts or anything. You're right. That was beautiful. It was lovely little redress or did. They like really took their time to cover him up with that blanket. Respect.

They could have done anything with that steer hat. They could have just left with the dead beef. Yeah, they didn't bury him. No. So why? We ain't got time to bury them. Put the steer hide over them. We ain't got time to bury him.

So kill, gut, tan that beef stahide. Quick. Let it dry in the sun. It'll blend in naturally. But now, Ben, he's going to go to the whole encampment where everybody is. And he's going to bring Kip's body there. And so he does, and he tells everybody there, hey, man, y'all, if anybody knows who killed Kip, you should rat them out because otherwise maybe you'll all have to pay for it.

And then he says, you could stay here, but don't cut down any trees or anything. And Sullivan is all mad. And he was pretty mouthy for the dad or the uncle of the guy who just killed. Yeah. I know. At some point he says, fuck you. It's like, dude, calm down. Yeah.

And after Ben leaves, he says to everybody else, he goes, it doesn't matter who killed that man now. Says the guy that killed him. Like, who else would. say it. Well, he's a niff you did. And then he's got, he's got a beautiful line. When he says, we have to fight the cart rides. We have to fight them now. He says, when there's only one thing you can do to stay alive, you got to call that one thing right and go along with it. And everyone's kind of like, okay. We're here with a baby and two lesbian sisters. But okay, we'll be an army, I guess. Now, Henri arrives at the ranch house.

Trichick. What is he going there for? He's going there to say, hey, man, Ben Cartwright, let's have peace. There's a fight, it's a brewing, and I don't want him. He's there to warn him. He's there to warn him. But Ben Cartwright isn't there. The only one there is the Colonel. Mr. Soup. Yeah, Mr. Soup. Colonel comes out. And Henri, his way of getting people's attention, he rides up and he goes, hello, the house. Didn't get off the wagon. Right. Could have come and knocked on the door. Could have done that. Yes, it's me the house. Charles Ponderosa At your service There's not much I can do You know I'm sort of rooted to the ground

That house was a gentleman Yes very much Nobody's ever going to ask for him before I know It's wonderful to have a gentleman caller The house, is there anybody inside you? The house? Oh yes, there's a bit of a traitor inside

I wouldn't go in there And I think he's wearing a wig If it isn't already in the soup But now the colonel comes out and he's got a pistol in his pocket. And Henri says, I recognize you. The beard is gone, but, and that's as much words as he gets out before he is shot dead. Which is also just like, these people are just shooting without thinking at all.

It's like, what are you going to do with this guy? Good thing. The horse immediately took off and took the body away from the scene of the crime. That was lucky. Yeah, it was very lucky. He would have had to kill gut, tan, and put a hide over him. Too much time for an injured man like that. Yeah.

But yeah, that's right. Henri is dead and gone, thanks to his horse. And this is when, very importantly, the colonel steps in a puddle of mud. This is the most plot important step in a puddle of mud. Which we don't see at all. No. There's a close-up shot. Oh, is there too.

Oh, yeah. There's a close-up shot of a disgusting puddle of mud. That's the biggest plot device short of... That's so funny. He lights his match on his butt. Yeah. And has a certain type of... cigar. But I'll tell you, I was, I did not see where this story was going at all. But now Ben

rides back into the Ponderosa and he says, hey, on my way here. I saw that nice little Frenchman Henri dead in his wagon. And, and the colonel's like, well, I don't know what you're talking about. Now Ben has to take Kipps. He's already taking Kipp's body to Virginia City to Kipps family. Now he has to take Henri's body back to R. This guy is doing so much corpse traveling. he should consider it as a career. Yeah, undertake. A side hustle. Yeah.

Just delivering dead bodies across the land. Yeah. I'm a corpse deliveryman is what I do. And I'm good at it. I'm damn fine at it. I know he's got to equip him to wrap him up on his horse and his saddlebag. He's ready. But that's what he does.

What else happens? This is when I start to get lost, but we're coming toward the end. Solomon admits to the settlers it was Jacks who. killed Kip. He gave it up immediately. For no reason at all. He was just like, my nephew did it anyways. Yeah, this guy likes justice.

He's like a real eye for an eye, but it's like a confession for a confession kind of thing. Yeah. The widow says that Kip was going to Ben's house. And Ben hears that and goes, oh, well, now I think the colonel lied to me about not knowing anything about this. But I can't be sure unless there's evidence on his foot. So he rides home. I think all of the car rides.

are in this scene. Mm-hmm. All right. And Ben is like, are you sure that nobody came here and you shot him dead for no reason? And the car's like, no, absolutely not, absolutely not.

I think I would have remembered that. Yeah. Was it my soup again. Could I have a say here? The house? Yes. Quiet, the house. Okay.

All right. I'm just saying, I did witness what happened. And then Ben says, yeah, he was like, I've been sitting in this chair literally all day long.

And Ben says, how'd you get such a muddy foot? Zoom in on the muddiest foot you've ever seen. Such a muddy foot. And that's when the colonel was like, wham-wibbub-b-b-b-b-b-b-b. And then he's so nervous, he decides he wants to smoke one of his cigars. One of his black and twisted cigars.

Yes, as the ladies call it, a twisty thing. They don't know the word cigar. They say it's a black twisty thing. And he lights his match on his ass. While he's seated, which I found insane. Yes, it is. saying, but this is it. That now is the ultimate

twist. You never could. I didn't see it coming. Provable in a court of law. How did you know it was him? Because he lit his match on his pants. Yeah. Guilty. Guilty. Kill him. Yeah. He's dead to rights. Colonel Bragg is Mr. Polk, the fraudulent

deed seller of land who swindled all these settlers. And he did it for his hot, sexy, rich, like gold-digging wife, he said. He's got a much younger wife who gold digged him. And then when he broke his foot, she was like, I don't want to be a fucking nurse. I'm out of here. Good for her.

She fucking took off. And now he's broke. He's bankrupted himself. And he was kind of like, look, I just did it because you were going to get rid of him and get the money back. So who cares? Yeah. Or like get the land back. He was sort of like, I did it for us.

His plan was, I swindled these people out of their money and they're going to be living on your land and you're going to go down there and kill them all like I told you. you two ten scenes ago. Victimless crime. Exactly. Yeah, but though he wasn't counting on Ben Carr ride being all, well, let's be reasonable and they can stay here,

but they can't cut down trees. But didn't see that coming? No. This is why I should never have saved that man's life. Exactly. Once again, yeah, you're right. But it turns out old Colonel Bragg, they used to call him fussed and fuddled.

And he was an incompetent clown and an oafin a buffoon of a, of a, Colonel fuss and fuddled. Fust and fuddled. Falling off of horses, hurting himself. Yeah. He's just, he just recognizes it about himself. Not unlike your father.

He says, I'm a bit of a stump. And that's okay. Now let me lie to all these people. Yeah, but he says to Ben, oh, he has a strangest line. Ben is telling him, or whatever, you're going to go on trial or something. He says, don't try me, old friend. I hate you. he goes from old friend i hate you in the same breath i did forget about that i that was another time

during the viewing that i did scream he's saying like basically don't do me a favor i hate you no do me a favor and then i hate you yeah help me i hate you incredible reverse psychology yeah no kidding turns out he's full of envy toward ben but ben turned ben cracks him when he says it's not me you've hated all these years. It's such a colonel. It's you. Yeah, that's always the case. Beautiful.

Yeah. You should be a therapist as well as a corpseman. Yep. That cures him and that turns him into like realizing he's got to do right. Within about two seconds, he's fully changed. He's prepared to face justice in a court of law and be hanged if it comes to it, which it will. He decides he's going to face justice in his full uniform. He gets nice and all dressed up.

And off they ride. to face justice is what they're off to do. Except. Except bad by Guy Sullivan and his army of three guys and three women with baby. Army of mostly lesbians. It should honestly be a really strong army.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It'd be an army. I wouldn't go to war with them. They ambush the cartwright party on the road and this is it. It's all the time for, front of them. Bang, bang, bangs. That's what's its time for. Yeah. It's the time. We're sitting in this with a goddamn war here in the road. What happens instead? Oh, Ben is prepared to return all their money that he's taken from the colonel.

He's like, don't shoot. There's no need to be shooting nobody. I got all your money. I'll give you your money back. And then what is it? Oh, they revealed that the colonel is the one that killed Henri. And then somebody gives away the Jack's killed Kip. And then Jacks pulls his. He just shoots right away. Yeah, I don't know. He just shoots. Right. He aims to shoot cart ride, but then Polk gets in the...

Protects him. That's right. Polk takes the bullet. Which I guess is because he saved his life before. I suppose. It's poetic justice and justice. And Joe shoots, Jacks, but doesn't kill him. And I'm not clear as to whether Colonel Bragg dies in this scene or no.

Did he die? I think he's dead. It feels like the implication is he should die. He should die. We don't fully see him die, do. quite. So I don't know. Sequel.

Not too late. There's a Rathacon movie that could be made from this. Yeah, Boris can play. There you go. Schmigelsky. Lord Schmigelsky. Well, the settlers are going to live

on the Ponderosa, but a different part of the Ponderosa. And this guy Sullivan, who's been a asshole and a murderer, instead now shakes Ben's hand and says, and Ben says, it'd be lovely to have you. as a neighbor.

And then Ben makes out like a bannet. He makes a bunch of money off. I guess he does. And now we have a hot single lady with a baby. That's right. Oh, yeah. They made her single real quick. They sure did.

She needs a man like little Joe. Yeah, you'd almost think they'd settle down, but not Bonanza. You'll never see her again, I'm afraid. She's none of these. Back to Belgium for her. I guess so. And her waffles. And it all ends on a funny scene where Silly Hop sang is serving drinks.

to everybody on the Ponderosa and Hoss is bragging about how good he is at handling a woman and here come the gate sisters and he looks terrified. I'll tell you what though. But excited. Yeah.

Pan sister. Yeah. That's a catch for Hoss. I mean, he sells. Well, you can. You are not for all markets. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I know. But he says, he said, I'm not getting married. My Paul doesn't want me to get married. Which is also like, why not? Do we know this? Do we know why? No, it's not true.

Not textually. Subtextually, we might. Yeah. But now with that, there's only 350 episodes of Bonanza left for us to review. That's just going to fly by. It is going to fly by. This show rocked and it rolled. Wow.

This is the new generation of Banasza fans. It's refreshing. It is refreshing. How did you look out getting such a great nephew? And I got stuck with fucking Marky. What can I say? I'm charmed. It's the jeans.

You lucky son of a bitch. Yeah. Well, Kyle, thank you so much. I'm glad you enjoyed this episode. It's a pleasure to meet a nice young man for once. I had the time of my life. I think that you're both amazing men. Oh, my God.

I look up to you. I don't really have much of a male role model at home as we know. So thank you so much for having me. And if you could just tell Marky, I said, hey. Hey. I mean, I'm going to. Of course. Well, Kyle, I.

I was going to wait till you was, you're 13? Yeah. That's perfect. I was going to wait until you turned 13 to become a man to give you a little something, little family heirloom. Oh my God. What is it? This is my first set of six guns.

Oh, my God. Six guns? Six guns. Six guns. No, this is my six guns. Oh, you're giving, you're giving, Kyle, six guns. My first set of six individual guns. Oh, I see.

This is amazing. They're all so small. Oh, I see it. Okay. Yeah. I can't wait to shoot these. Yeah. Nothing to, nothing you should have more than guns of your age.

That's beautiful. Oh, wow. I'm glad. Thank you so much. You're welcome. I can't believe I was here to see it. I know. Wow.

You're going to definitely bring them guns on your first day with you market. 100%. She'll like that. I walked in here with no guns. Yeah. And only an uncle. And I'm leaving with six guns and an uncle and an uncle's friend. Yeah.

You know what? You may call me Uncle Dalton. Oh my God. You may. That's amazing. Because in our family, it's just my one uncle and then a bunch of aunts. So that means the world to me. And I'm this close to revoking Uncle Dalton privileges from Marky, right away.

We'll see. For now, the two you can call me Uncle Dalton, though I don't believe she ever has. But I may tell her she can't anymore. I can call you Uncle Dalton? Huh? You're saying I can call you? Oh, if you like. Oh, no.

Me. No, yes. But also, I might not because I'm not. because I'm still interested in your niece and I don't want it to get weird. Oh, okay, right. All right, don't call me Uncle Dalton. All right, fine.

All right, folks, that's an episode of Bow Nanas for Bowenangel. Thank you for tuning in. It's real fine. You're getting on to the Maryland Monroe hotline? Yep, it's Maryland all right. I got to run. All right, folks. See you later.

Now get. Bye now. Bananas for bananas is brought to you by Andy Daly with Mattcourt. Theme song by Matt Gourney, with the Journeyhood, which in this case are Mark McConville, Daniel Mitchie Cove, and Wade Wright. Bananas for Bananasas mixed and edited by Mark McCombe, executive produced by Andy Daley and Matt Gourney. We'll see you around.