Bonanas for Bonanza - Bonanas For Bonanza Episode #83: “The Lady from Baltimore”

Episode Date: September 9, 2026

Subscribe to The Andy Daly Podcast Project at Patreon.com/AndyDaly Dalton, Mutt and Markie are joined by Spanish bull breeder Jose Jose Jose Jose to discuss season 3, episode 17, "The Lady from Baltimore", in which a demon from hell brings her beautiful daughter to the Ponderosa to ensnare a Cartwright.Featuring Oscar Nunez, Lily Sullivan & Matt GourleyMerch: redbubble.com/people/ADPodProject/shopMail: PO Box 9407 Glendale, CA 91226Email: [e-mail]’s website: andydaly.comRecord date: 11/12/2025 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is Andy Daly, inviting you to subscribe to patreon.com slash Andy Daly, where each month we release a brand new bananas for bananas for Bonanza episode, a bonus nannas for bonus nanzah episode, and two episodes of the comedy grab bag podcast, bonus nanzza extravaganza. Plus, you get access to our Discord and other goodies. So do check it out at patreon.com slash Andy Daly. Thank you. It's the finest show alive So consult your TV guide Get your great outdoors inside Take some Ponderosa pride

And forever made Right With a year Nanza episode 83 That's the crack of a Swifty Schlitz Beautiful A 10 o'clock in the morning

Slits for Mutt Taylor I love it I damn I made myself a cup of coffee in a boot This morning Just mixed it up in the boot. It worked great. We are doing it, man.

And look who's here again. Well, of course, as always, my dear friend Mutt Taylor is here. I do. And as often, my niece, Marky is here. Hello, Marky. Hi. Marky. How are you doing?

Fine. Okay. We missed you. You know, last time we did one of these, Mutt's nephew joined us. What? Yes, Mutt's nephew, Kyle, joined us here. He was so excited to meet you. Very excited.

I'm not going to date him. I don't know how many times I have to say. I'm not interested in being a part of the family. As long as you let him date you. That's right. And he's just a couple years younger than you. This is really reminiscent of the episode. You guys want to break me in like a ball.

It is a little like this episode of Bonanza. Oh, my goodness. This one I think probably, I predict this every time, don't I? But this is the one that makes you love Bonanza, right? You love this one. No. No. No.

This has two women. though. Yeah. Exactly. One was like an old crone and the other was like a hot whore. A croon and a whore. She said it, not me. All right, folks. And we also have a very special guest today. I couldn't be more excited. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the show, Jose, Jose, Jose, Jose. Thank you, everybody. I'm so, I am honored to be here. I have to say, but I don't want to start on the wrong foot as the,

American saying, but I feel I was a little bit of baiting switch. It's okay, I'm here. Oh, but I think a little bit of baiting switch. Okay, what do you mean? Because your people reached out to me all the way across the pond. I flew here from Spain at my own expense,

but never mind. And they say, hey, you want to see this scenes of an answer. It's about cowboys. I'm like, yes, please, you know. bullets and fighting the swinging saloon doors, whiskey savages. And then shooting and things like this and coming. I say, yes, please. And then I get the episode.

Imagine my surprise already suspect in the title, the lady from Baltimore. That's right. The lady? It's a lady. And from the east. Yeah. Not even from the west.

I started to watch it. I'm like, is this weathering heights? The women. Cluck, cock, cock, talky, talky, talky, talk. Where are the savages? Where's not one gone was pulled from a holster. Yeah, that's true. Correct me if I'm wrong.

No, you're not wrong. I couldn't agree more. It's so boring. I definitely feel like a bait and switch situation as well for me. Is that? Well, I'll tell you one thing for sure. Objectively speaking, it's not boring. So many exciting things happen in this episode.

But Jose, Jose, Jose, Jose, I do want to say, we're making an effort to appeal to an international audience on this podcast. We've seen the numbers, and where people aren't really listening to us at other countries of the world. And even though I'm no fan of Europe, we want their dollars. So I'm trying to get an internet.

And that's why we've invited you to come here. Apparently, you're some kind of a big deal over there in Spain. Is that right? Is that right? And the bull fighting. My family has raised fighting bulls. Raised fighting bulls.

Yes, from the time when Toledo was the capital of Spain. No, Madrid. That's how far back we go. So we raised a fighting bulls. How do you raise a fighting bull? Do you have to train it to fight a man? They are naturally machismo.

They bulls and they naturally are aggressive and you give them field and room to run and you keep them separated from the lady and the cows make them lazy. The men have to be together and the bulls fight and then you separate them and then eventually you put them in an arena and family day. They are slaughtered and they're fighting

and the matadors and the pageantry and all that. So it's a wonderful tradition. Jose, Jose. Jose Jose. Jose, no, that's one too many. Hold on. Wait, can I just ask real quick? Are any of those Jose's your last name or are there all first names?

This is all my first names. You're a four Jose man. Three Jose's my cousin. And then there's two Jose's. But if he's too much, it's called me Bobby. That's what my friend's called me. I don't know. Yeah.

Go ahead. Mutt, you had a question. Well, just have you ever fought a bull yourself? Have you got into those tight little matador pants that kind of come up to the calves and they really show off your glutes, huh? Caprice. Yeah. Caprice, yeah. Gouchos.

I tried that, but I am on the executive panel of the, you know, we counter the plata. As, both relatives of mine have been in matadors. And we had a guy, a cousin of mine who was support, he was on the road to be a big matador. Okay. Like your Michael Jordan is to the basketball. Okay. That's level, okay? You don't know Michael Jordan and basketball?

Is he like an announcer? I even know him. Young lady. Unbelievable. He is not Caucasian. What's the black man, statuesque with a basketball. Even I know who. These guys from Spain and he knows our basketball heroes.

I'm sorry. The Haynes spokesperson for a while, he had a Hitler mustache. You don't remember this guy? It was inexplicably. Wait, do you mean the baseball player, Michael Jordan? What? He did play baseball baseball. He did play baseball.

He did play baseball. No, you're thinking of Bo Jackson. No, he was so good for like one year. Space Jam. That's him. Okay, yeah, I know him. So my cousin was on the path to that. And then he has a revelation.

And he said, no, we not treat the bulls good. Oh, he does. One idiot on the first. family. Wow. And he said, I want people to rescue bulls and raise them like golden retrievers in your own home. Wow.

In Spain, because he wants to be kind to the bull. The bull doesn't like kindness. So he said, I'm going to lead by example. He takes a bull into his house. Into his house? Yes. In less than ten seconds later, the bull is smashing to the plate class window wearing my cousin like a little beret. Blashing is a disaster

So, you know Nature is nature Men are men, women are women And the bulls are bull Yes, Jose Jose Jose Jose Jose You're right I said I said

If we must have a guest From God damn Europe Make him the manliest Kind of guess we can find That's where we went straight To the bullfighting world Spain baby Spain baby

I'm pretty sure he's pronounced Espania Ah Signorita, very bien Spina Yeah Yes. What?

Do you take Spanish at school? I took Spanish, but I failed out because I wanted to be called enchilada and the lady found it offensive. Why did you want to be called enchilada? Because I'm stuffed. Excuse me, enchilada. Well, they assign your new names right. That's what they do when you take a foreign language. They go around and say here.

You need to pick your name. You got to pick out of the name. That's a fantastic name. Thank you. What do teacher want to call you? I think it was like Teresa. Yeah, okay. That's my sister's middle name.

Your sister's middle name? For real. Wow. Now in Spain. Teresa, Teresa, Teresa, Teresa. That would be fantastic, Maria Teresa. Don't people in Spain sometimes they have like 30 names or something like they? They put it in a whole lot of long.

Sometimes because they want to keep the name to show the lineage. Yeah, right. Oh, it's like how English people like to get heavy because it showed that they were wealthy enough to have food. So, good. What if I went by mut, mud, mud, mud, mud, mud, mud, mud. Mud, mud, mud, mud, mud, mud, mud. Are you all right? Mud, mud, mud, mud.

I glitched, sorry. Oh, my own. I meant to send three. The first mud came over on the, on the Mayflower. That's right. People, Europe, you think, to aristocracy. It's very big over there. It's true.

I'm a, Spain, France, everywhere. I'm of a Southampton Muts from England. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I apologize for that. I don't like that at all.

Yeah. Yeah. Now, you're the only Anglo-Saxon ever to family to be native to the continental United States. So far as I know, what we did. No, we're French-Canadian. He just doesn't want to talk about it. We went back.

I went to the family tree and I took it back so far and then started hacking away at it. Good for you. Hacking away. Yeah. I don't want to know about where some of them branches go. I stopped right here in America. America. As soon as I saw somebody who was born outside of America, I took a saw that family tree.

That's at your discretion. You can rewrite history. you have a hat and a gun. Go for it, baby. Yeah, that's right. Here, here, Jose, Jose. I did a school project and we are French Canadians. French of all the Europeans, you're French.

Look, that's not, none of that she's saying has any truth to it at all. They should not do that in school. That's a wrong thing to do in school to make people find out where they're from. What's purpose does it serve? How could it purpose any serve? Well, we were doing a project where you had to put all these pictures of celebrities of like who you would be related to. Celine Dion.

Yeah, we put her on there because obviously she's Canadian. Forget about it. It ain't true. We are from America. We was here before the Indians. Before the buffalo. Before the buffalo, we was here.

We was here before the saber-tooth lions. We've been here forever. We're from a long line of dentists from her own. Because obviously people serve can rot away the teeth and so we were. You are forbidden from going on that ancestry ever again. I forbid it. A lot of, I put your info in there. You're on.

I took a blood sample from you. God, damn it. So you are French Canadian. Oh, she got you. God damn it. There was a period of time you kept sticking me with needles. Yeah. Is that what that was?

Some of that was that and other stuff. I was just sending your blood to turkey. Why did you send my blood to turkey? You got a real big of all. Well, because for the company I worked for the bald guys, They just needed, they just need extra blood because the guys, they lose a lot of blood when we're doing those. Jesus Christ.

She works for a company. They send people to Turkey for hair transplant surgery. Not just people, bald guys. Yeah, bald guys. No, that's implied. That's implied. Some people full heads of hair, it's the strangest thing. They do not discriminate.

That's where you work? Yeah, that was my summer job. A girl, I'm looking at you. You're like a girl. Yeah, no, I'm young. And I look younger because I'm hot, but the, But you have an entrepreneurial spirit. Yeah, no.

I was working for this guy. Basically, it's like a Turkish, it's through Turkish airlines, but we fly bald guys from the U.S. to Turkey and we give them hair transplants. This doesn't sound shady a lot. Well, they had to pay her in cash under the table because she can't legally work in this country. Yeah, they were been mowing me.

Yeah. Anyway, we should talk about goddamn Bannanza. This is the first Bonanza episode you ever saw, Jose, Jose, Jose, Jose. Yes, and like I say, I have no. Mixed feelings. I'm trying to be optimistic. I love my American friends, especially what's happening now with the strength and the machos. Yeah, yeah. I like it. I like it. So I have mixed feelings about this because I feel I was hoodwimple. It's okay, but I... Yeah. Go ahead. I know what you're going to do because I'm a little familiar. Okay. Now you tell us what the dance was at the time. Oh, yes, yeah. The best dance.

Well, this is how I started every episode. Right at the very beginning of every episode, I say, hello, friend. on in the gate is open wide welcome to bananas for bonanza today we'll be discussing season three episode 17 the lady from baltimore this episode has everything yet another cartwright engaged to be married a scheme always little joe it's literally hot well last time it was hostile that's right a scheming mother and another wordless appearance from hop sing this is getting to be a thing with but a close up he got a close up how about that last couple of times he's been in the episodes he doesn't say a word. Can I say something?

Yeah. Every time you give lines to women to speak, you're taking them away from help sing, okay? Wow, yeah. Okay. That's true. I knew it's going to be this kind of podcast today. These ladies have a lot to say in this episode.

It's true. He's not wrong. That's true. All right. Well, all right. This episode aired on January 14th, 1962. Okay. We're in 1962 now.

You must be so excited. Yeah. It's just almost over. Hey, that's the debut of the cinematic James Bond. Aren't you excited about that, Marky? Who? Okay. All right.

A nice joke. Nice joke. Unteachable. All right. Babes in Toyland is still the number one movie. Babes in Toyland? Babes in Toyland. Not like hot lady babes.

No, it's kids. What? It's a Disney movie starring in it Funicello. and... Babes in Toiland. It's not a porno? No, it starts Annette Fudice and Linda Lovelace.

You're thinking of hot babes in Toilat. Wow. This is like Babes as in Babes, Babies, Babes. This is the kind of show you guys were raised on? Yeah, Babes and Toyland. That's why you're so fucking about it. Walt Disney spent a year casting Babes in Toiland.

Yeah, we watched Babes and Toiland, Song of the South. There was no issues with any of these things. Birth of a nation. Birth of a nation. That's a fine film. Triumph of the Will. Everything's fine.

Walk on by is still the number one country song. It is in its 12th of 19 weeks at the number one spot of the car. I can't wait until that's over. But the number one song in the country is a new one? A new one. Whoa. But it was on, it made number one once before and now it's back. It's chubby checkers the twist.

This is a big deal. It's a big deal because just as we're recording. cordonist just this past weekend. Finally, Chubby Checker, he was eligible for 40 years to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and they wouldn't do it to the point where he picketed outside the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame personally. He personally went down there with a sign and picketed it for years. Just last weekend they inducted him. And he didn't go. Why? Too, to Chubby? I was going to say, did they not let him in because it's bad? No, a reading between the lines, they said we'll induct you but you're not going to get a performance slot and he said he said fuck you

you I'm going to book a gig that night and perform live he's 83 years old and he was like you don't think I can do a show at 83 well watch what I'll be doing the night of the rock hall Frankie Valley style someone else's yeah where is he performing do you know you don't you don't have I don't know but I do know that they did they worked out a thing where they they cut live to him on stage and he accepts his induction via video link from the from where he is he is just bananas for the sake of being bananas he wants to go but he wanted to perform and they say no he said that's just drama I know he's toxic cut him out did you know that he started his career as a fat's domino impersonator so his name chubby checker is a parody of fats domino oh

What the hell? Chicker. He's had a weird life. He also, is he even chubby? He's, well, yeah, he's kind of. Not by today's standards, I'm sure. No. He's not, no, that's true.

At the height of his success, he wasn't chubby at all. Now he's an old man. Have you guys ever seen plus size chess? He does impersonations of chubby checker, right? That's right. Well, I'm going to play you a chubby checker. He should have been plus size part. He doesn't look like chubby in this picture.

In 1971, he put out a psychedelic album. Oh. And here's a song called... Has this come up before? Yeah, I think it has. This is a song called Stoned in the Bathroom from Chubby Checkers foray into psychedelia. He's not chubby at all. No, he's not.

It's pretty good. This is his Sergeant Pepper, you know? All right, get to the lyrics. Really long intro. Yeah. Come on now. I like it. I feel he is recording this while stuck in the bathtub.

He's on the toilet recording this. Stoned in the bathroom on a Sunday afternoon. Stoned in the bathroom just sitting on the moon. Open the door and walk outside. When people do psychedelia, they're usually in the park. Right? And walking in it, you get outside. You can't be in the bathroom.

What are you going to sing about? I've been there before. I understand it. Yeah, one time I gave Dalton some of my mushrooms and he was losing it. Is that what you gave me? Yeah. I thought she tried to poison me. I thought this was it.

This is the end of Dalton Wilcox. I wrote my will and testament and it doesn't make any goddamn sense. Neither. My friend, put a bad lock on your bedroom door. Yeah. When you go to sleep, put a lock on the door so this one can't go in there and poke you and brought you. She's taking my blood and giving me goddamn mushrooms. I'm not safe.

My will, I should read you my will I made when I was on mushrooms. I'm talking about who I'm going to give my giraffes to. All this bullshit. I don't have giraffes. Big section about your hats. Yeah. You didn't get any of the hats. What?

Oh, now, I was under the influence of a goddamn mushroom. You got to stop giving me drugs. She did that because I was mixing, um, riddling into her, uh, apple sauce. Yeah, lucky. We're lucky for him. I've never eaten applesauce. I was going to say. Were you convalescing at the time?

Yeah, I'm not a baby or a grandma. She was suspicious. I don't know what else you put a pill in. Apple salts, right? They don't need that. What do you guys eat for snacks? Now, yogurt? Is it still yogurt?

Yeah, well, I eat overnight oats pretty much all day long. Sometimes avocado toast. Yeah. They do that in Madrid, too. The young people, I see the toast and avocado on top. I love Spanish food like tapas style, like just little bites. I'll do that. That's wonderful.

You guys should take a trip and come visit me in Andalusia and do a... Yeah, we should. What's it called? He's saying come to Andalutia. What the fuck is that? That's where we have bulls. We have toast and avocado for you. We have sangria and beer.

Okay. Well, I appreciate the invitation. He's putting it out there. You're never going to leave the country. He doesn't fly. No, I know. don't know I'm not going to goddamn Europe. That's for damn sure.

I tried. All right, but I should try to put riddling in your avocado then. Is that the new plan? Yeah, well, you came over with a big bowl of apple sauce. I was like, what the fuck? All right. Is this for the dog? The presentation was unappetizing.

I've tried to give her the riddling. I understand these kids like pills. You overthought the process. I overthr thought it, I guess. If you toast the pill in the air, she'll catch it automatically. Yeah, right. They do that trick when you throw the Americans like that. You throw the food at someone and they catch it in the mouth.

Oh, they don't do that in Spain. No. Please. Celebrity birthday, born on January 14, 1962, Swedish songwriter Jorgon Elifson. Our Swedish listeners right now are losing their minds. Because this guy wrote the song for the royal wedding of one of their goddamn princesses. Oh.

They're losing their. minds right now. All right. You want to hear some fun facts about some of the people that was in this episode? Yes, please. You're about to lose your minds. You're about to lose your mind. How so? The old lady, Deborah Banning in this episode. Who is probably 40? Maybe. Yeah. The ancient chrome. Something like that. She was played by an actress named Mercedes McCambridge. Do you know anything about this lady? Yeah. Well, maybe I'll just cut right to the headline of Mercedes McCambridge. She. Mercedes McCambrich. Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes. Anna College?

How's that possible? She was the voice of the demon Pizzou in the Exorcist. Oh my God, I recognize her smoky voice. The smoky voice. Holy shit. Whoa. So she has an impersonator called BMW Oxford. Wait a minute.

Whoa. I know that voice. Raw audio. I did. I didn't know where I knew it from, but that smoky barrel voiced lady. my God. I got, I found on YouTube some raw audio of her voiceover session for The Demon. I know this.

You do? Yeah. It's really good. Now, a friend of my Matt used to do a podcast called I was there, too, where he talked to people who had small but significant roles in classic films. Yeah. And he had on Eileen Dietz, who was the face of Pizzou and Linda Pearl stunt double that did all the shit when she goes crazy as Regan. Oh. She's like on her, like, doing like a bridge in yoga and going down the stairs.

And also, I think, masturbating with a cross, crucifix. Yeah. See, people talk about that scene, but it's not actually in the movie. I've only seen the exorcist on the channel television. Oh, you're missing all the finest parts, friend. It doesn't have that part you're talking about. Well, so here is, here she is. She's doing both the parts, her and Damien, the priest.

Oh, did I fuck it up? How do you do this when you want to? Sorry, it's going to be like a half an hour. No, he's fine. I'd go ahead and just get it right where I want it. Yeah, but then you got a click on it. She is such a deep voice. She sounds like Struther Martin, like a man.

Yeah. Yeah. But Mirabili, Dicto, wouldn't you say? You speak Latin? A good day of soul for. It's less so creepy. I'm terrified. they play that in

Spanguele, a so schista. I could do it. Here she is. This a famous part, you'll remember this. That's what they threw that holy water on her. It burns her. Did she do anything else? Never.

No, she did a lot of stuff. But then at a certain point, I think they just told her, like, we're going to leave it open and go out to lunch. You just make every sound. Every sound you can think of So she, what's this one here? Oh, toil.

She starts to go crazy. This is her in the bathroom. Oh, she's masturbating with a menorah there. You can just put that all in the background at a dinner party, I think. That being like your audio reel. I think I have to take an Uber to the airport and what have I got in my salt? Why are you? This is like pornography here.

No, no. He's very erotic to me. It sounds very erotic. Jerry Lewis. I feel we should light cigarettes. This is wonderful. Anyway, she said she had a lifelong case of bronchitis, and that's what gave her her beautiful voice.

Oh, yeah, she didn't smoke a lot. Yeah, she smoked like starting straight out the womb with that kind of voice. That's like when Michael Douglas blamed. his tongue cancer on his wife. What? Yeah. You didn't hear that story. You got to tell a cleaned up version of this month.

Well. Yeah, after we just listened to a bunch of like a woman masturbating, please clean up. No, that's not what she was doing. You tell it. Michael Douglas got cancer of the mouth and he said that it was from doing things with Catherine Zeta Jones. His wife's pussy. I knew it.

Well, that's what he said. Wow. And they're still married. Jesus Christ. So hold on. So the virus lived in her okay and then was transmitted her. You know what I'm saying? She's immune to it and gave it to poor Michael Douglas' tongue.

That's right. Was he blaming like HPV? I think that's right. Yeah. Or she had like housed some toxic waste down there or something, you know, because they have to put it in caves and shit. Well, yeah, people put stuff out there, you know. Yeah.

It's like a purse. Just how does that come up in an interesting? view, I wonder. And how does he still then answer it that way? And how is he still married to her? It's incredible. Why would he give that information? You know, we've never stopped to consider her. Maybe it's true. Oh, yeah. Maybe that's true. And she feels bad. Like he's put up, he's got cancer because of me, I better stay married to him. It's like, you know, the movie Grizzly Man. I'm sorry,

go ahead. Yeah. Grizzly Man, the documentary. You know that it was her period that got the bear to get all angry. Is that what it was? Yeah, they blame it on her. On who? On the woman. That he dragged out there with him. Yeah.

They said it was her period. There you go. Just like in this episode of Bonanza, when Adam says, I told you the woman shouldn't be here. Yeah. For the man work on a ranch, it's the same as observing hostile grizzly bears.

So don't go down on women. Don't bring them to the woods. Don't let them work. D.C. And I, and I, and Elise just came to mine. But this is the truth, the great American philosopher, Paul Ling. Paul Lind.

Yes, he said, if you're on a ship and a man falls off the sheep, the captain says, man over the boehard. But if you're on a sheep and a woman fall off the ship, the captain say, false team ahead. This is notical law. It's international. Really? Yes.

Wow They're giving cancer They're doing all kinds of things I'd like to visit a little bit more With Paul Lynn if he's here He's Am I incorrect Yeah

And Paul Lind loved women Mark Twain Pauling He's Yeah It's true You know I think there's some

historical fact That Nazis invaded Poland Because an inordinate amount of women Were having their periods Did you hear that? Oh right

That's right I have a choice It's amazing how we can cycle up like that, you know. Yeah, yeah, right. It's the moon. It's like that old Sicilian saying, every woman's a whore except for your mother and maybe your sister.

Maybe. Who said that? Maybe your sister. And what if you got more than one sister? Exactly. One of them's a wharf. The Sicilians get a couple of things right. The pizza and makes the saying the young lady.

Even two sisters are a whore twice a day. What's the old proverb? even a broken sister is a horror twice a day A broken sister I think that's just an expression I don't mean by all right She won an Oscar did Mercedes-Marcambridge For being in a movie

What movie? What? All the Kingsmen Okay 1949 She had to take Warner Brothers to court So she could be credited As the voice of Pizzou in the Exorcist I think they wanted people to think it was the real Pizzouzzi

Oh my God In the filming of Johnny Guitar She and Joan Crawford fought so badly that one night in a drunken rage, Joan Crawford scattered McCambridge's wardrobe along an Arizona highway. Wow. Fantastic. Oh, man. Ryan Murphy, have it.

Those were the days. Those were the days. Yep. My American friends, I have some information. I don't know when to say it. I don't know. I bought it with. Anytime is a good time for important information, Jose.

Okay. I know you put a lot into this research and everything. Yes. But I have what you call a bombshell. Oh, my God. All right. Like on Love Island? Yes.

The original newspaper is back in my housing, but I copied this time. I want to read something to you. Holy shit. Oh, my God. He still uses paper. Manila paper. Yes. So this is from a publication called La Verda, which means

truth. Okay. Spain from Madrid, 1962. Oh my God. From the entertainment. Entertainment section of a newspaper. Thank you.

And I translated. Bonanza, Season 3, episode 17. Oh. The lady from Baltimore. The part of Mercedes MacCembridge in the role of Deborah Banning was played by Tony Curtis.

Mr. Curtis was a big fan of Bonanza and wanted to appear on the show in complete drought. Wow. That meant makeup, wig, and a fancy dress, including freely undergarments. He did not want to appear in the episode's credits and performed for shits and giggles. That's what it says? What's the original Spanish for shits and giggles?

Kaka it. Kaka it. Hey, that's funny. That was Tony Curtis. Could you notice the daughter looked a lot like a female Leiv Schreiber? Look at her again. I wonder if that was him. Yeah, I think so.

I think all the women are guys. Look at it now through this new information. That is a hell of a bombshell. I'm telling you, and I know you do so much research and you like this to be part of the show and I just threw a thing in there, but I'm just... I know. Clearly your research isn't very good that you missed that. Well, I ain't looking in Spanish.

I can only do what research there is in American. That's right. Yeah. All right. Melinda Banning was played by Audrey Dalton. who played Baroness Maud Sardonicus in the film Mr. Sardinicus. You know this movie? We've been talking about it a lot.

It keeps coming up. What's that? Here's the plot of Mr. Sardonicus. The Baron Sardonicus buys a lottery ticket and then dies. And then is promptly buried with his lottery ticket in his pocket. And then it's revealed to be a million dollar lottery ticket. Oh, shit. Now, so far, this probably happens 10 or 20 times a year.

But here's where things go crazy. To Mr. Sardonica. Sure. his son, the new baron, Sardonicus, decides he's got to dig up his father to get that million dollars. Why does he have the same name? That's so confusing. Well, it's a title, darling. It pays down. Anyway, he's just got a big digs up his dead father. And the moment that he lays eyes on his dead father, I guess it's some kind of curse or something that twists his face into a hideous grin.

And then he becomes, I don't know, he murders people or something like. He does terrible things. But what's important about the movie is he does terrible things. And at the end of the movie, on comes the director of the film. And he says, folks, it is now up to you like the Roman emperors of old to give a thumbs up or a thumbs down. Will Mr. Sardonicus, the Baron Sardonicus, live or die? And they were handed cardboard thumbs. Yeah, everybody in the theater was handed a thumb up or a thumb down.

You're supposed to hold it one way or the other. And then the audience votes. And then they go to the ending where Mr. Sargonicas dies and they never shot the other one. And what was the gimmick on his other film that we talked about? He had another film that was so scary that on your

way in you were given a $1,000 life insurance policy in case you died of fright during the movies. Those are fantastic gimmicks. I thought you were going to say that they had two reels in the production booth and then put to whichever one. That would be fun. That would be cool. Like clue. Yes. But he's like, no, it doesn't matter.

He's like, no about clue. He means you watch Clue. Okay. Yeah, I made her watch Clue. We loved it. Madeline Cohn. Now, waiting saddles. It was better than Bonanza. Okay.

It wasn't better than bananas. Good joke, though. Good joke. That's funny. You should have a t-shirt better than Bonanza. I have a whole stand-up hour on it better than that. Oh, yes, you do, stand-up comedy. Does it look at her go.

This is good. You know? This is good. It gives me hope. I ain't going to go see it. I don't, because I know it's going to be full of rude jokes. About you, my friend. Or maybe about me.

me definitely about me. I have a half of it is about you. Really? You being old. But I'm not old. That's the problem, though. So I can't come to the show because the audience will look at me and say, but he ain't even. How old are you?

I'm old. I'm a young man. Well, you're in inspiration to your niece. Yeah. Look at it that way. I'm a muse. Okay. You're a muse.

Yeah, all right. I don't know about that. Well, anyway, it was Audrey Dalton, who spilled the beans that there was no second ending shot to the movie. Whoa. Hey, wait a minute. I buried the lead. This lady is still alive.

Whoa. Who? Audrey Dalton, who played Melinda. She's walking to Earth as Leavs Schreiber. She's 91 years old. Damn. She pops up at various fucking, I don't know what. Babes and Toiland.

And finally, Horace Banning, who shows up at this guy. You know where you know him from? I don't know where I know him from. but I know. Yes, that face was familiar to me. Even in Spain, the face is familiar to me. All right, I'm going to say it, and you're going to immediately know. He was Dr. Bellows and I dream a genie.

That's it. That is it. Dr. Bellos, okay. I dream a genie was a show, very, very funny, smart show about an astronaut who discovers a genie. Not in space. He went up to space and then he landed in the South Pacific or something on an island, right? And discovered a genie and a lantern. And the reason you know this is because the animated.

opening titles. He brings her home and then she meddles with his life in every which way you man or man. Cause nothing but problems. But Dr. Bellows is the NASA psychiatrist whose job it is to make sure these astronauts are doing okay. And he's constantly suspicious of the astronaut because he acts all crazy because his wife is as a gene or not his wife. I think they do get married. One of the great American documentaries. That and be witched.

Poor Dr. Bellows! He's Dr. Bellows! They drove him crazy. Poor Dr. Belos! Poor Dr. Belos! I remember one episode, she turned him into a witch doctor or something like that. Really?

Yeah, I do remember it. I remember watching that I was young, and I'm like, please tell her to take off her clothes and jump on you. Make the wish to have sex with this woman. She's right by the dress like that. He had to keep her away from Bill Daly, the Navigator, He wanted to do it to her. That's right.

That's true. And he said, no, you can't do that. It's terrible. It was a perfect relationship because she always called him master. Yes. I forgot about that. Remember she has this little like, it's a bottle, but it's really a fuck bottle because it's just made of like circular pillows. And she was in the master.

Oh, master. Oh, in front of master. Oh, my God. It's just nice and spicy. Yeah, it was pretty good. Sounds really fucked up. It's so messed up. and people watch it and people are like,

we like this TV show. She's still alive. Barbara Eden is she? I don't know about that. And I have to be careful. Please, if I'm turning into triumph, the instant dog, please tell me.

I don't know what's happening. Okay, go ahead. That happens to people from all over here. It happens when you do Spain. The flight messed me up. Here you. I got it. Did you have any problems with the shutdown?

Getting in. And my diary came on private. Oh. Remember? My backstory. Oh, that's really cool. Good Lord. You don't use Eric and her after controllers in private, huh?

No. Wow. You just fly wherever you are. Literally under the radar. I don't trust the union work. Oh, wow. Yes, they have an axe to grind. Barbara Eden, I don't know if she's alive or dead, but I do know in 2011 she gave an interview where she revealed that Hayden Rourke, the fellow we're talking about, Dr. Bellows, had a he and his, he and the guy he lived with were gay together for, from 19,

153 to 1970. They were living together. Yeah, yeah. The chicken or the egg. It's a slippery slope. It's like the ponderosa. What are they doing with the eggs now? Good question.

What did you say? I said it's like the ponderosa. It's just a bunch of guys talking each other. Oh, now that's not going on. Wonderful. It's a wonderful situation. But he was posthumously outed by Barbara Egan. Wow.

Well, anyway. All right, here we go. You ready to recap this episode? Yep. Hot dams. Sure. Why don't you take the reins, Mark? Um, okay,

this episode starts with, um, three silent guys who we will never see again. Uh-huh. Acting like three stooges, I guess. Something. You know the three stooges.

He made me watch it. Yeah, we did. We watched a bunch of three stooges. That's convenient. You're blaming everything right now. So, let me. Do you know the show more than I do? So this beginning.

that the earlier said let's start with a comedy and then we go the other way but let's make it really funny with these guys doing the pantom, the Buster Keaton thing, marching like penguins. I'm like, what am I looking at here? They think they're really funny sometimes. It was, that was real funny.

You couldn't watch that and not laugh. The music tells you. The music tells you it's funny. You do need that music. I think the, what funny thing is that Ben Cartwright has showed up into town all dressed up fancy. Yeah, that's true. And that's what these guys are like, well, well, well, what's going on?

And they follow him to find out. And of course, he's dressed up sexy because Tony Curtis is coming to town. And this is a good nature ribbing? This is American, the good nature rebeing of a man that you will admire. That's what they did to him. Yeah, I think that's right.

But these men had to pull that off without getting paid to speak dialogue. I mean, that's amazing. It is. But now off comes. Well, you want to continue? Yeah, then basically there's like a horse and carriage and this like old ancient crony angry woman gets out and then her slutty daughter follows.

Her not at all. Yeah, they're from Baltimore. And the mother is complaining about the dirty conditions of the carriage and the ears are beautiful daughter. All right. I'm going to take over if you're going to call people. I imagine. I'm just to tell you guys what I'm thinking. I'm watching my surprise at this point.

There's no shooting. No, not a bunch and these two women come. I'm like, what am I watching? Yeah. Okay, go ahead. That's fair. That's fair. It's a really boring soap opera is what you're watching.

Okay. No. What we learn is that she's married to a newspaper man named Horace and Ben loves this guy. He's a dear old friend of his back and ball and is a great success. And she's out here for her poor health and she's brought her daughter along. But we can tell by the way her daughter reacts to the notion that her father is successful. that it ain't true. Her health, has she tried stopping smoking?

I'm just worried about it. And all that time with the devil. It's a lifelong case of bronchitis. She's Pizzuzzi. Can't do anything about it. Real quick. You know Pizzou was the name of that demon? You know what his other name was in that movie?

The girl called it? Captain Howdy. What the fuck? Captain Howdy. Whoa. Ain't that creepy? That's creepy. That's creepy.

stuff, yeah. And by the way, this woman, she come out, Tony, she come out of that carriage, you know something's up, because she comes out, goes ablazing, baby, metaphorically. Right? She's like, I'm sorry for you, it wasn't literal. No, I wish it was, but I'm like, oh, something's going to happen, of course. Will?

All right, now what happens is they arrive at the Corral and Hoss and Lil Joe were there, and Adam's there too, and they're breaking, bucking boncoes. Here we go. Beautiful. That was a good thing. Breaking Broncos. Breaking Broncos. Man.

That was good. That was good. Right now that's all right. You got some good action there. Is that how you, well, no, you don't break a bull. No, the bulls. But we have horses. We have caballios.

Come on, caballeros. And, you know, it's part of the bull culture. It's horses. You can't have a bull without a horse. They break a horse and then Melinda observes about the horse. She says, no longer free to do what he wants, but useful. Oh. The metaphor there.

Amen. I feel that. You could almost think she might have been sort of maybe kind of talking. about herself a little bit. Yeah. And it's crazy that Adam, who's 95 years old was on that horse,

like riding it. Adam is a strapping young... Well, they talk about how a droid he is at that, but they don't talk about how a droid he is at having a stunt double that doesn't look into the block it. I think it was the same one for Little Joe. They just put a wig on. It did.

And he sucked his cheeks in. I don't know about that. I like the Adam. That's the guy riding the Bronx... Droit thing black? Yeah. In the first thing, yes. Okay.

He's the oldest son. You like him. Yes, because go ahead and continue. I'm going to see if you got something. Oh, I don't know if I did. Nobody likes Adam. You're the first one ever like Adam to say. He's a stoic.

Yes. Oh, I like that. He's a man. He's a real man. He's older than his own dad. As it should be. Yeah. If you're doing it right.

Now it's bath time for Melinda. This was very exciting. She's having a bath in there with her mother. But wait, wait. Yeah. We're skipping something very important. Okay. What was give?

Because he comes, little Joey standing next to that young lady. Yeah. She's very pretty. And then he come off, he come from the, right in the Bronco. Yeah. That's the first time that she clicks into him. Yeah, it's a little. Why?

Because he climbed over the corral and he straddled the gate and her gaze is on his crutch. Oh, wow. Staring at his cock, cut. Her eyesight is right there. And he just sit there and she stare at him. And I see, then she's falling in love with him right there. With who? With Adam? With Adam? She really love him.

It's too bad Adam has a small dick, though, probably. Well, how do you know? Now, what makes you say that? Because he has tiny teeth? Yeah, most of the blood goes to his head. You can tell. His head's about to burst. Now, you always, you're coming and I'll tell you, you are astute.

Oh, the clearer young girl coming to ruin, the men having fun. Is that a Spanish word, astute? I don't know that word. Yes. It's French-Canadian right. Oh, us. Yes. Anyway, Deborah now lays it out on the line here.

Deborah says, while Melinda's in the tub, her mother, Debra says, you know, you've got to marry a cart ride and get it. We've got to get our hands on all this. Cart ride money. That's the plan. And then Melinda says, may I say something? And her mother says, no, darling, not in that tone of voice. That always means you're about to think for yourself. I know.

Oh, isn't that? Oh, my God. man imagine having the stones to say that I need to start saying that to you yeah good luck start saying it sounds like you're about to start thinking for yourself zip it it's too late because she's a wild moustong she wasn't broken yeah it's too late you can't do this to her now impossible to tame me and the implication that she won't think for herself until she starts speaking for herself so she hasn't even thought it oh yeah mom just knows it's coming that tone of voice leads to thinking.

It's painful. I have mixed feelings. That tone of voice of yours, mom, means you're going to have 18 more cigarettes before the hour turns. Also, if she like Adam, why can't she marry Adam and just it's the same thing? Yeah, exactly. No, he's too cunning. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why. It's because he's 110. He's been around the block.

The most important part of this scene is that her towel fell open a little bit and we saw him. Yeah, there's a lot of gazing on her in this, in this. I'll see. I'll see. All right. Then silent hop sing serves dinner. And Deborah goes all, she's describing the opulence of their incredible life in Baltimore. Oh, my.

She really starts bragging. But Melinda can't take it anymore. She runs away. We kind of learned already that Horace is a failure that actually they're broke. And this is all bullshit. Why she goes so far with the opulence? That's where the girl frets out just do a little bit. She's crazy.

She's like not subtle at all. Oh, my God. Yeah, she's like, the governor comes And we have a house made of candy And the gloves, they wear gloves And to serve us, it's like, what the hell? Haas has one line, and that's what he mentions Hopsings Hong Kong meatloaf.

Oh, yeah. I think he was talking about his dick? No, I don't. I know. In this case, she might be right. She might be right. He talks about his Hong Kong Mulligan. He comes so close.

Mulligan's a stew. He comes so close to recommending that everyone should have a Chinaman. He comes very close to that because he loves hope. I wouldn't be surprised if that's literally the verbiage that gets used at some point. What's wrong with that? That's a wonderful compliment to the Chinese. No.

Well, another fun thing about this scene, I don't know if you called this, but old Mercedes-McCambridge Tony Curtis, anytime she speaks to Ben Cartwright, she looks directly in the camera, directly in the camera. I think that's because Ben Cartwright mandated her to turn away from him for fear of passing out from the menthol cigarette smell. And it had to be directed elsewhere.

Could have been. Could have been. A little Tony Curtis. Yeah, I enjoyed that. Man, he's great. But now it's obvious little Joe is putting the moves on Melinda. And then we have another debate between Melinda and her mother where the mother insists that they keep up the ruse of her being wealthy, at least until she marries little Joe.

Why little Joe? Because Haas isn't attracted to her. obviously. Yeah, right. Hoss would be lucky to get anything. Come on. That doesn't quite track.

What if it is that Hoss just has these incredibly high standards? And that's why he of all people has not been married yet. I mean, women are throwing them

at his feet and he's like, no. He's like, I'd rather fuck my brother. She just says Hoss. I'd rather fuck my brother. There's nothing to do with him. Way better at the Bonderosa

when I fuck my brothers and my dad. There is no brother fucking on this show. How many times I have to tell you? Oh, there are you. God damn it

They wrestle lightly At most And then Debra says Adam is too smart He's too cunning He's too difficult Yeah right He says he sees right through them

She sees right Too difficult to control She says But she says Little Joe Wrapped around a finger Whatever And then

Melinda's making Stu And this is when she And little Joe kiss They have a mouthful of stew Mouthful of stew Stu transfer Yes

And then Adam And walks in He interrupts Classic cockblock To tell little Joe Where the wine is He's like

Don't fuck her Fuck me instead So Well what That is not What's going on God damn But now

Melinda Every time you fuck her Could be a time You're fucking Me See that's why None of them Are you like

Oh I'd rather Fuck my brother I mean If I'm gonna fuck Exactly You might as well go with the thing you know is good.

There is. No, brother, this is terrible. You've lost control of this entire show. It feels that way. No brother fucking. The devil you fuck is better than the devil you don't fuck.

I flew across the Atlantic Ocean for this. My God, my God, my God. He's got me having some fun. No, we can't stop picturing it. I'm sorry, but that's what it is. It is not what it is. They're going to tell me. They're on the ponderosa.

all the time alone. This is terrible. Stop picking the singing. And do you think they fucking succession like for seniority? And in the barn? Do they do it in the barn? Definitely the barn.

And he's tell us where? Wherever Hop Singh lives, they fuck in there too. Oh wow. You think Hop sings in all the action too? Definitely. Hop Singh plays that long violin while they're doing it.

That long, he play, he'll play hopsing and the sound of the violin covers the grunting of the brothers. Now you got me doing it. I'm telling you. all wrong. Well, I will hold the line. There is no brother fucking on this show.

God damn. What about son to his brother? Son to father fucking. Most especially not. He'll know. Yeah, he started it. Yeah. Maybe once in a while.

No, no. No, no. Wait, wait. Let me finish. They'll hire a couple of ranch hands who might, between the two of them, get something going on the ponderos. That's the close. How young, young.

Ranch hands? Yeah, young ranch hands. You know that they all convinced themselves it's okay. They're like, we're just half-brothers. Come on. No, that is not what's happening. This is turned into the power of the dog. I'm saying. Exactly, exactly. Is it what's called Power of the Dog? I've never seen it and I feel like I just experienced a

sexual spoiler. Don't see it because they shot it in fucking New Zealand. Anyway. That's right. Which looks like Montana. No, it's not. All right. Goddam. Here we go. All right. Now, Melinda kisses Adam.

She just, no, she tries to. No, she does. Yeah. No, I don't know. But anyway, Melinda obviously likes Adam. And Adam is like, fuck you. You can't be. Well, she obviously likes Haasbh, but he wouldn't have her. Then she likes that.

Well, she's hardcore putting the moves on Little Joe, and he is responding. And then as soon as little Joe walks out of the room, she's like, hey, Adam, what's going on? And Adam is like, well, he's not happy. This is a tragedy. Now, let me ask you something. if she didn't have this stupid plan with her mother to do Joey and she approached Adam from the beginning honestly could they have had a future or no

her and Adam yes if she came honestly to him he seems so aloof to me I just don't believe it it's like the cutest one by far is little Joe we're supposed to be treated it like she really wanted to be with Haas and she really wanted to be with the 95 year old but neither of them would have her so she's just going to go with the cutest youngest one After she considered the father.

Those were different times. She fell hard for Adam. I have no trouble believing it. He's a beautiful man. This is by far the most lines he's ever had in an episode too. That's about right. All right. Now, she at some point, now, Melinda is upset about all this stuff.

Oh, well, after dinner, little Joe and Melinda go on a stroll and they have the strangest engagement. He says, there's a question I want to ask you. And then she kisses him. And then says, what was the question? And he says, you answered it. Yeah. And based on that, they're getting married.

Yeah. Well, that was consent back then. I guess it was. You kissed someone, then they said yes about it. And then, but the next day, Melinda's having reservations. And her mother says, please, Melinda, I have ordered you not to think. You really spelled it out, didn't they? They did.

It wasn't settled. That's my wife's wedding vow to me. She said to you, I order you. I do, and I order you not to say, oh, my God, here we go. Yeah. Well, now so they go, the women go to watch the men do farm work. And of course, as soon as they brand the cattle, Melinda feints dead away. She passes out. She can't live on a goddamn ranch.

No, she's so used to a fancy life in Baltimore. She wouldn't be happy out here. She probably getting mouth cancer to like half of the way to go and down on her. Right, but not the car rats. And he said to her, she say, oh, why you brought him? and he say, little cows like women all look the same to us. We have to brand them. That's right.

If you read between the lines. If you read between the lines. So now Adam is a hammering metal with his shirt open. And Melinda comes along and they have a conversation by barbed wire. And then Melinda plants one on a big time. Big old kiss on Adam. But not before she catches her dress and he has to come to rescue her. Because she's like, oh, no, that dress is caught.

And the barbed wire is a big dramatic thing. Yeah. He goes her, which turns around even more. Oh, yeah. She wants a daddy. Yeah. She loves how much he hates her. Yes.

And wouldn't you know it? Along they come. Ben and Little Joe are smiling and laughing. They're having a wonderful time. God knows what fun they've just come from. And they walk in and they... What did you say? I said, probably fucking.

Oh, come on now. That's he son. Excuse me. Definitely fucking. What are you? It's terrible. What's too? What's happening?

I mean, it's infectious. We're just having some fun. I'm trying to have a good influence on Marky and she's having a bad influence on much. It's in the text. It's in a subtext. But now Joe has seen his fiancé. Yes. His heavily implied fiancé.

Kissing on his brother. Yes. He's like, I want in on that. Starts binking out with his brother. Oh, that's a disaster. Wait, no, that's not white. And then they push her aside. They just keep moving her a little bit.

Yeah. Now, Ben and Adam have a little sidebar where Adam says, yeah, she kissed me. And she can never marry Little Joe because she doesn't love him. We got to stop this. And then he says, I'm going to go out of town for a couple days because I've had enough lines in this episode as it is. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Take my paycheck and get out of here.

and then we have Debra is surveying all of her future belongings when Horace rides up her stupid idiot husband's been fired from another newspaper job. Poor man, this poor man fucking moron.

Looking poor. Yeah, shabbily dressed. Living with another man in an apartment only to be outed posthumously decades later. As Dr. Bellos, he used this thing to recall the emotions of being this poor money come. I'm here, honey.

You get turned around and get the fuck out of here. He came from Baltimore to Nevada. In a carriage. That's really far. That is a long fucking trip. And he was so happy. So happy. And then he finds out his daughter's about to get married.

He's like, well, it's a good thing I came. I would have missed a wedding. And his wife says, no, you need to turn around and get the fuck out of here before anybody's in the harshest terms, right? So cruel to him. God, she turns me out so much. He's a priest. He's a priest.

Yeah, but then, yeah, she's... And she's like, don't even look at your daughter. Get out of your son. Gosh, she walked out and they were able to at least see each other. Well, so she stumbled. Melinda comes out and says, Dad, you're here. And he's like, yeah, yeah, but I got to go because... It's just terrible.

Your mother has lied to everybody about how rich we are, and they take one look at me. They're going to know it ain't true. And they're taking their sweet-ass time. I'm like, the guys of the Ponder Russell are going to see you after they're done fucky. I'm going to have to edit, because she's right, right up until she said that.

So let me get this straight, young lady. If we don't see them on the screen, they're fawking somewhere? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. It can't possibly be. And then they're eating hopsings,

meat love or whatever. Oh, yeah, it's Hong Kong. Hong Kong, Molligan. Sounds good to me. Now, but now Ben comes out and he sees his old friend Horace and he's so happy that now she turns on a dime.

Yes, Mrs. Banning. She's so, evil. She suddenly starts putting on a show like, oh, yes, I'm so happy that my husband is here. I never would have told him to get the fuck out of here because he's such a failure. I'm so delighted he's here and we're all going to have a wonderful wedding together. Yippie, yippe. But also, Ben's pretty dumb because he doesn't see how poor the guy looks. That's true, but he does when he goes to unpack his stuff off the wagon, he's a little surprise at all he has is one suitcase. The luggage. And it's so shitty.

But he very, what an actor, Lauren Green is, because he conveys in that moment, I'm surprised by how little there is, but I don't care. And he does it all with no dialogue. Well, he clocks, he goes, this isn't Louis Vuitton. You see him sinking. Yeah, that's right. He's a cardboard thing. But he says, I don't care.

He's my friend. It doesn't make no difference to me. Maybe he's humble. Maybe he's a humble billionaire. There you go. Yeah, just like Bezos or something. Yeah. Little Joe talks about what he loves about his fiancé. The way she talks, the clothes she wears, where she comes from.

Those are the things he loved about his fiancé. But he is afraid she wouldn't be happy out here. And that's when Horace and Ben have a heart to heart on this very topic. Now, Ben knows that Melinda has been kissing on Adam. And so he doesn't really want this marriage to go forward, but he approaches it in a very, very calm and mature way with Horace, and they have a real heart to heart. Little do they know Melinda's listening in.

She's a eavesdropping. And I love how they're not talking to either of the party's concerned. Just talking amongst themselves, but not. telling or talking to the people that would actually need to be talked to. Exactly. Well, that's exactly right. I said they had the household. That's right.

That's right. The men have to sit down and hammer this. Yeah, sometimes I sit down with Dalton's wife and we just hash things out. Oh, yeah? We should probably. Betty Lou. Yeah. Whatever her name is.

Whatever her name is. It's my common law wife. And what do you mean you hash things out with her? You're not lying to talk to her. We're like, we should probably give him a sleeping pill tonight. We want to watch the housewives. I have said the two of you, if you're going to talk, it can't be about me. I'm more, damn.

Yeah, he's grumpy. He needs to go to the bathroom. I forget to go to the bathroom nine, ten hours at a time. It's true. And it affects my mood. That is true. Anyway, okay, the horse comes clean. He says, I'm a complete failure.

This is all about trying to snare a wealthy husband. And Ben is like, snare a husband. he says well and then Ben says but I know I'm getting you a job in San Francisco that's that's sorted he goes I'm gonna have my sons

keep fucking here so why don't you go to San Francisco you get out of here we got everything taking again I don't remember hearing that now Melinda comes downstairs

and she goes yeah I heard everything you were talking about and yeah I'm gonna go tell Joe fuck it I don't want to but Joe he is so in love with her so truly in love with her. But she has to let them down. We don't get to see it.

We cut to the next day. They are leaving town. And, but it's a question of whether Mrs. Banning is going to go with them. Horace and Melinda are going to go ahead to San Francisco where Horace is going to get a job. What is Mrs. Banning going to do? Why would she stay?

It doesn't make any sense. It seems like she might, though. That would be a strange situation. If her and Mr. Cartwrights decided to wed because he needs to break her. He tells her on the staircase. And he doesn't berate her. He's a kind man and lets her stand on the step above him.

So her gaze is almost equal with him. And he's like, hey, you're crazy. Well, you have a nice family. Relaxed, crazy lady. And she's like, she almost said, I'm sorry, but she doesn't. Because she goes, okay. But she sings, oh, maybe. She's like, yeah, yeah.

She's like, yeah. She's like, yeah. Yes. Can I have a cigarette? Boy, he, she like him because he caught her. Oh. The only man to say, hey, I'm going to get a saddle and put it on you. She likes that.

And she says at some point she says, Horace and I married for love and now look at us. And that is not a good marriage. That's no good. That's not good. But Ben says, he loves you. Your husband loves you so much and so does your daughter. go be with them.

Oh, stupid. It's really depressing. It would be better if they did not have her in their life. Yeah. That poor girl. I know. But she comes, she submits, she is broken. They're all broken.

Yes, beautifully so. She comes forward and she's, she opens her mouth and then closes it. She's going to say something, but doesn't have the words. She's like, I don't need to think anymore. Yeah, which means she never thought it. She didn't speak it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

She never, and that's it. A school of thought that we see now. Yeah. Never apologize no matter what. I've never apologized in my entire life. Really? Yeah, never. But you might want to give it a goddamn try.

All the terrible thing she gets up to at school. Are you currently under suspension, by the way? Yeah. But look how confident she is. Yeah, very confident. I microwaved my teacher's purse. You just put your teacher's purse in their microwave? Yeah.

Why? How much time? What temperature? I put it for five. minutes on reheat. Now that's funny. Defrost. Oh my God.

She was livid. She was really pissed because all of her cards like melted together. And who do they call to say, hey, coming and talk up to me about, do they call your uncle? Who do they call? Yeah, well, they tried my parents, but my parents are in Tahiti on vacation. So there's no one to call. So then they called on. Your parents go on vacation quite a bit without you.

Yeah, they do. Yeah. Okay. I just wanted to, I have no comment. I'm just saying. Yeah, I've got to look. I was supposed to go with something happened with like the shutdown and stuff. That's why I asked if like you flew because they were like actually, no.

Like, you can only do two tickets to Tahiti. If and when the time comes to walk down the aisle with whatever gender, doesn't matter, is this the man who's going to walk down the aisle with you to give you away? No, he's not going to even be at the wedding. Oh, yai-ah, caramba. What the, I'm a lot of fun at a goddamn wedding. You can watch from Zoom. I'm surprised you're even getting married.

That just seems very traditional. Yeah, well, obviously it won't happen until I'm, you know, like, I actually plan on getting divorced multiple times. You can't get divorced without getting married. I don't want to be married. I want to be a divorcee. Oh, clever. No, it is clever. It's ridiculous.

It's hot. It's not hot at all. It's very hot to be a divorcee. Everybody's doing it. She's all wrong. All right. In this episode that had no brother fucking in it, wonderful things happen. and there's only 348 episodes left to go.

Oh, my God. Jose, Jose, Jose, Jose, Jose, I'm sorry that we didn't have one that had more brawling and gunfight. Not one gun was removed from the holster, not one, no savages were scalped, not no punches were thrown. I'm going to tell you something, even when that does happen, it's still just as boring.

Okay, take it. Would you consider coming back some time for an episode that was action-packed? I want to see, yes, some scoffering. the bar, the chair stipped over. Hoss, 15 men on horse, and he sneezes, and they go flying across the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that we could definitely,

hoss fighting a bunch of people. There's no hoss fighting in this episode. It's unbelievable. All right, but it was still an incredibly good episode. So good. Very intellectually stimulating. Yeah, yeah, right, right. Good, okay, I'm glad you think so.

It was what? It was bad. No. What was bad? You're all wrong. All right, folks. Well, we didn't turn Marky around this time, but I'm confident next time we will. Thank you so much, Jose, Jose, Jose for joining us.

And then I'll up. All right, thanks you, but as always. That's the end of the episode. Now get, by now. Bananas for Bananas is brought to you by Andy Daly with Matt Gordon. Theme song by Matt Gordon, with The Journey. Which in this case are Mark McConville, Daniel Mitchie Cuff, and Wade Ryan. Bananas for Bananasas mixed and edited by Mark McComb.

Executive produced by Andy Daley and Matt Gourne. We'll see you around.