Bonanas for Bonanza - The Andy Daly Podcast Project Presents Extravaganza Octopod 1, Episode 5: Extravaganza: “Ship to Shore with L. Ron Hubbard Episode #2”

Episode Date: January 31, 2026

Another long-lost episode of L. Ron Hubbard's radio program has been unearthed and carefully restored. This never-before-heard audio was recorded aboard Hubbard's floating headquarters in 1968 and features the "scientology" founder and science fiction author alongside a hand-picked cast of his favorite shipmates and fellow seekers.  Featuring: Erin Whitehead, Seth Morris, Matt Gourley and Mary HollandSubscribe to The Andy Daly Podcast Project at Patreon.com/AndyDalyMerch: redbubble.com/people/ADPodProject/shopMail: PO Box 9407 Glendale, CA 91226Email: [e-mail]’s website: andydaly.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, Andy Daley here with another episode of Bonus Nanza Extravaganza, the comedy podcast grabbags series that Matt Gourley and I have been doing exclusively on my Patreon for the past few years. Now, I'm releasing a season, or Octopod, of eight extravaganzas right here every Saturday. These episodes were lovingly hand-selected by the Patreon subscribers for your enjoyment. And if you do find yourself enjoying them, well, we certainly hope that you'll consider subscribing at Patreon. dot com slash Andy Daily. With that, I give you the Andy Daily podcast project presents extravaganza, Octopod 1, episode five, extravaganza. Ship to Shore with Elron Hubbard, episode two.

Coming to you from the research room aboard the Scientology, Sea Org flagship, the Royal Scotland. This is Ship to Shore with Elron Hubbard, that's me. But at sea, I am known simply as the Commodore. This is a radio program for Scientology practitioners at all levels, and members of the general public who want to know what we're up to and where all this is going. Suppressive persons should turn their radio dials now for their own safety. We've seen the brains of SP's hemorrhage in the face of advanced Scientology Tech many times. The date is November 17, 1968.

We are on the Ionian Sea sailing to the island of Malta, condition normal. Additional status checks. I am currently maintaining peak performance with 20. to 22,000 international units of amphetamine salts per pint of rum. I am on a daily protocol of six pounds of shrimp and I am smoking four and a half packs of cools. Sex-wise, I am up to eight comes into a 24-hour period. I never said it was going to be easy to contain all this in a human body. It has taken a toll, but we have figured out the right regiment.

Yes, friends, I have taken this operation to the sea because tax agencies and health ministries have made us unwelcome on land, not all land, but a surprising amount of it. But there's no place I'd rather be than no beings I'd rather be with on the fine members of the Sea Org who are out here on the seas with me. Some of my favorites are here today. Let's meet who's joined us on the radio broadcast today to my left. Hi, it's me. It's Betty Ann Slurp.

I'm your personal secretary. Yes. And I'm here. You know, it's my first time on the broadcast. I'm just so excited to be invited. Couldn't be happy to have you on. I heard you, I was listening to you talking to someone in the elder office and I thought that's a voice for radio. Yeah, I get that a lot.

Tell us your name one more time. Betty Ann Slurp. Betty Ann Slurp. Ne Martin. Oh, very good. Because I married a Slurp. You married to Slurp. But he's an ex-husband now.

I just haven't gone around to changing my name. You know, my ex-husband's an SP. I know very well that he's an SP. Yes. were a potential trouble source while you were still in contact with him. But now you've broken it off. That's good. I broke it off.

And when do you want to schedule your bunyan removal? The button. Let's talk off air. Let's talk about it off air, please. Okay, because we have that. And then we have, you got some roids we got to take care of, right? Oh, well, yes. But there's all part of the difficulty of containing everything that I am in a human body.

Uh-huh. It's taking, yes. Okay. So bunion removal for later? Or now? Okay. No, no, yeah, later. I'll make a note, Mr. Habbage. Just a moment.

You made it sound as though you were going to do the bunion removal. Oh, yeah, do it myself. I had assumed you were scheduling it. No, no, no. Well, I'm scheduling it for my own schedule, but I'll use a big nail file and I'll get them off. Okay, that, all right. But we might see if there's an available podiatrist in Malta

when we arrive in porch, perhaps to do a more professional top. And certainly I don't want you on the hemorrhage. But none of this will make the first. we'll make the final program. So let's, don't talk about personal things on the public program. I won't. No more personal thing. And to your left, Betty, we have another wonderful guest.

Hi. Hello. I'm mooring legs. Say it again, please, for the listeners. I'm mooring legs. Mooring legs. Two Gs. Of course.

As in legs, the panty hose. Oh, the panty hose. Yes. But without the apostrophe? Well, my father owns the company. Oh. So you do have the apostrophe in there. Yeah.

Now that was a panty hose contained in a plastic egg. And the egg was my idea. It really was? My sisters are the leg models. As you can see, that wouldn't have been an option for me. No, I'm stocky like trees, which my father says a lot of men are going to like. And I just haven't found them yet. And you've also described your legs as unshavenable.

What do you mean by that? Unshaveable. I've broken so many razors. So many razors. Fascinating. Isn't that interesting? But I did hear you talking about the patch on your back and I could shave that for you. Oh, no. That's fine. I'm going. It's a patch. It keeps growing. He keeps shaving it off and it keeps growing back. That's what you told me in the newsletter that you've been passing around. Well, that's right. I've been told, we mustn't discuss further on the program any health concerns or anything to do with the body. Well, it won't stop growing, Mr. Hubbard. And I've been told actually no more shaving. It's only becoming more resilient with each shave.

So we're not doing that. I do have a question about the paperwork. And I've been trying to get this answered and nobody will answer me. Okay. Well, I just am a little confused. So I'm on. I signed up for this. It's a singles cruise.

It's the seorgy. Okay. Now, I looked at the paperwork. And I had to sign that I would commit to a billion years. And I'm more than happy to do that. Wonderful. But my question was what happens after a billion. After a billion years?

Do I renew? Yes, you will be presented. At the end of a billion years, you'll be presented with a further contract for the next billion years. Same terms. But, yeah, we, the contract is, we didn't want to be unreasonable.

And so we just made the contract for a billion years. Oh, I think it's reasonable. I just like to know what my options are. Well, I don't think you can sustain an orgy for one billion years. You have that, you have that erectile dysfunction problem. And we're not going to discuss any of these. No, Once it gets going, but listen.

Once it gets going. We're not. When will we be doing the single games? I know. This is the second thing I wanted to discuss with you. It isn't at all an orgy. I know I understand that many of the young people on board the ship, below decks, afterlights out, do whatever they're going to do.

But this is, there's been a misunderstanding. This is the C.org, org being short for organization. Org. We don't have time to pronounce entire words of that many syllables. here on the ship there's so much work going on. But are there single men? Many, yes, there are many single men. Then I'm in.

Okay, that's fine. I just need to find a husband. I'm here with my son. Oh, I hope it's all right. Are you here with your son? I brought my son, Ross. Oh, how old is he? Oh, he, Ross, do you want to tell them?

Hi, I'm eight. Uh-oh. Well, hello, little boy. Oh, wait, I was just talking about erectile dysfunction. I didn't realize it was a child. He's hiding behind your tree trunk leg. It's okay. I read medical textbooks to calm myself

at night. Oh, I already know about ED. I'm very impressed by that young man. Very impressed indeed. Now, as you know, I don't feel that parents should raise their own children, so we'll be taking Ross away. Yeah, I get to go on an adventure. Yes, you'll be on one of the other ships while your mother is here finding out exactly what it is that we're doing.

All right, well, very good. It's wonderful to have you here, Maureen Legs. So happy to be here. And Ross Legs as well. Yeah, all right. And our next kiss. Hi, I'm former Stowaway and current third mate young master Thomas Cruz. Oh, yes, indeed. Thomas, one of our most loyal subjects, all soldiers.

What's your, tell us again how old you are. I'm six years old in the name of our founder and savior, L. Lafayette Ronald Hubbard. Yes, that's me. Tell us again your name for the listeners. Tom Cruise, Tommy Cruz. I was born clear. Isn't that amazing?

They're calling me the new Messiah. Listen, Ross said it. I didn't. Ross? Oh, you've already met Ross. Sure I do. We're bunking together and he may be two years older than me, but I'm the alpha dog and I wear the e-meter and this family I can tell you.

Certainly you do. Grab hold of those cans, my son. I don't need it though, because every time I've used it, it just goes clear. Clear. Incredible. Someone who is born clear. I know. We never thought it was.

possible. But then Tommy Cruz came into the picture. Who's my mother? Who's my father? Nobody knows. I just showed up on this ship as a stowaway. Humble beginnings, but great auspicious endings. Yes, just to the, we've always been very careful to call him a stowaway because it gives him agency. Some have argued that perhaps he was really abandoned. Okay, I'll make note of that. He was really probably abandoned. Who argued that? Never mind. Who argues it? You were born in the engine room. Okay. Born of the ship itself. Perhaps the Royal Scottman herself is your mother.

Yes. How's that? That sounds great. Marvellous. She looked anything like 12-year-old Mimi Rogers? What a fox. Jesus. No kidding.

Now, as a clear, you have total recall of every experience you've ever had in your life. What did you have for breakfast this morning? Cheer, Chi-Chi-O. Incredible. Chia-chios. We'll be testing his total recall throughout the program. That's Al-Ran Hubbard's favorite, but he can't have too much of it because he has cholesterol issues.

We're not discussing the health issues. I heard you got a Dickie Packer. I beg your pardon? I heard you got a Dickie Packer. You're right on the money with that one. I don't know what that is. Man, you're going to need someone like me to be the face of your big thing, buddy. All right, Thomas.

Thank you very much for being here as part of our broadcast. And our final guest is to your left. Drink's laid yourself. Hello, Mr. Habit. It's pork dando. At pork dando. It was pork dando. It was porky for a long time, but when I turned 40, I dropped the E because I

I figure I need to grow up. As you know, I'm a merchant marine. I was brought on board to do some fixing for the ship in Corfu. And I got, I'll be honest. I, I helped myself to a little bit of the boat booze, some of the fuel. and I passed out. You've been taking me under your way. You show me all the wonderful things you do here.

And I think it's just great to be above decks. I'm excited about that. Oh, good, yes. I did want to comment. Young lady, I think your thick hairy legs are just fantastic. Thank you. Those are really legs. Those are really my legs.

Yes. Yes. What did you think they were, Tommy? The actual tree trunks. furry barked evergreens are some shit I get that a lot I can't go hiking anywhere dogs pee on me they remind me quite a bit of a tribe and

Borneo that I became a pot out for a little while you were involved with the tribe and Borneo well I will help myself for a little bit of the a little bit of the poey whiskey They make whiskey out of poix down there and I've lived on that island I won't see a god but definitely a curiosity

city. Interesting. I was elected emperor of the pygmies for a time. Oh, that's wonderful. You and I have done quite a bit of traveling, it seems. Yes, we're doing an enormous amount of work with pork, because he has come to this work as an absolute neophyte, someone who has no idea what it's all about or what we're doing, a man who has lived a rough and tumble life. There are many years you can't account for, isn't that right, pork? Absolutely true, yeah. And so we're taking him and we're getting him in touch with all of his his past lives and we're auditing him nonstop. And we've got him on how much niacin are you taking at this point? I don't know, but you can see I'm sweating profusely, bright orange.

Yes. And I must say, I appreciate all the work, but I'm very tired. Well, we've got him on a regimen of two hours of sleep a night. Two hours of sleep a night. And the rest of the night, it's just walking the poop deck, aren't you? Yeah, you walk the poop deck. and we hide, every time you'd make a round, we hide another poop for you to find.

Hey, I heard El Ron that you were pooping the walk deck. What do you mean by that? There is no walk deck. We don't have a walk deck. No, I don't think so. We just have a poop deck. Just me and some of the kids are talking. Tom's the funniest guy, I know.

What? You heard it? I didn't say it and tell him to say it. Whoa. I'm the funniest guy. All right. I'm funny and good looking and action packed. Children, you did the children are adult.

in small bodies and will be treated as such, and there will be no quarter given to you for your age. Insulence will be treated with overboarding. When we razzle, he does his own stunts. That's right. And I do his. How can you do another child stunts? I just didn't watch while we fight.

Really? He always wins. Amazing. Yeah. He is impressive. He won an impressive. I didn't say it. Well, I for one, pork, am so excited to hear about.

you were in your past lives. Yes, we've been uncovering the past lives. We are able to go into a scientological reverie when we are receiving an e-meter auditing. And we are able to discover our past lives. And you've done some of that poor, Kevin. Yeah, well, you know, you really helped me along there because sometimes you ask me, what were you to pass life?

I say, I don't know. You just keep asking me and asking me and asking me and you say, don't you think maybe you were a rat catcher in medieval times? And I see, yeah, okay. And it turned out, in fact, you were a rat catcher. You were a rat catcher. It made evil times.

That's incredible. Isn't it amazing? And even on, you've been on other planets. You've existed on other planets through time. Yeah, I was on Quigar 4 for a long time. I think we called it Quagar. Quagar, sorry. Wonderful place.

It's fantastic. And what did you do there on Quigar? Do you remember what we discovered through the auditing system? I grew square water. Melons. Amazing. On Quigar. On Quigar? Quagar. Not at all. No, Quagard. There's no effinate at all. We'd never put an F in that.

It's interesting there. I was taking it under the wing of Sammy Quagat. Oh, my God. An alien musician. Yeah. Plays a better, amazing music. He can't go 55 light years. It's true. You know, I only ever discover my past lives on this planet. But I remember, I, the biggest revelation for me was,

when I found out that I was a taco. Oh, yes. I recall that. That was when I was in session with you. Yes, I was doing, I was auditing you personally, doing a personal audit of my personal secretary, as I often do.

And yes, you suddenly, your eyes rolled back into your head. It was extraordinary thing to witness. And you began talking about your past life as a taco. Yes, I kept saying ground beef. Ground beef. Right. Meaning you want some ground beef.

No, I was ground beef. Part of her was ground beef. brown beef. And we've done this, by the way. We've hooked the e-meter up to tacos and toastados and tequitos and burritos and gordata's. And we've found that they in fact do, they register on the e-meter. Of course. You think they don't feel stress? They feel plenty of stress. They do. And you certainly did. Oh, yes. It's a taco. Absolutely. And tell us about the experience of being a taco from the perspective of being one. Oh my goodness. Well, to put myself back there. It's almost traumatic.

Yes, yes. Because, you know, I had to be assembled. First, I was just in different parts and different little bowls at a dinner party. Which one was your soul with? Is there a like soul vessel that's the part of the talk? No, it's scattered all around. Like whore cruxes. You're familiar with Harry Potter. I know you don't like that I read Harry. No. And you've got your hands on a real advanced copy. Impressive. We don't go for that at all. That's right.

You know, there's plenty to read on the ship if you only read my works, you know. I'm in the Guinness Book of Record for having written the greatest quantity of words. That's right. He's got out. He's got the poop decks filled with copies of his books. Sometimes I don't know what's a book and what's a poop. Now, I have the same problem for. I wanted to bring up, but you were food before.

Yeah. Mr. Hubbard helped me realize that I was in past life. I was fondue. And to this day, whenever I had. drop something, I kissed the person on my laugh. And now it makes sense. Guilty. And now it makes sense.

We have had some fondue parties here on the boat, haven't we? Oh, yeah. When we can get our hands on cheese. If you were both foods, then were you both poops in past lives? Oh, sure, yeah. Cool. Of course. That's so cool.

I've been the scat of some of the most powerful entities in the universe. So you were a rat catcher as a man, but you were just a big, pile of shit from some nice big guy or some good big strong man several different people yeah i was an executioner's poop i was an emperor's diarrhea i was the sharts of uh of catherine the great wow katherine the great had an enormous number of sharts uh due to her irritable bowels oh you have that mr hubbard oh that's right the amount of editing we're going to have to do it is just simply get rid of all the personal liberation that you're revealing me. Ow!

Ow! Let go with me! Hey, one of your postrils is drizzling on me, the old fucker. You're an old... I don't like the way Tom talks. I don't like the way Tom talks, but he was born and clear. One day, not entitled, but all but you'll see. I nearly fear him, nearly. Maureen, tell us about some of the past lives we've discovered for you, Miss Legs.

Well, it was really, it was really a revelation because I remembered in one past life, I was a baby. Yes. And in another, I remember so distinctly being a toddler. Yes, yes. And in another, a child. Incredible. And then in another, I couldn't believe how many were coming to me.

A keen. Yes. And then an early 20s, something. And always, didn't you, by some strange sort of cosmic, we don't believe in coincidences, but it's cosmic design, you had the same name. You were always a more. It was unreal. In all of these past life.

It's what sold me on your very stunning religion, really. And I've always been an atheist, so I was thrilled to find something that I could actually relate to, you know, with proof. Yes, and you haven't been on the ship very long yourself, have you? Well, no. And as you know, there was some confusion. But I've always said you have to roll with the flow. Yes. Good for you.

And I think that'll catch on. Is it a role? Forgive me for asking. I'm just a hairy APM. But is it all possible in the past life? I'm wondering if it had all in the past life. You were like a bronosaurus or I'm looking at the legs like maybe a triceratops because your arms are quite sure. Or just a treat.

I think I could have been two drums of oil at one point. Is that something that your legs have been compared to in the past as well? Well, it's more that I just feel. feel I could have been. You know, I've seen photos and I've thought, this is a familiar. Well, and that's how you know. It's when you see a photo of something.

You're like, that looks familiar. Yeah, that's how you know. That's one of them. You know what you remind me of? A minotaur, but a gal and an elephant instead of family. Well, thank you. Well, thank you. I'm six.

I can call him like I see it. Yes, that's for sure. No filter on Thomas. With any precautions. It's nicer than anything my father's ever said to me. Oh, yeah. Lovely. Morian, let me promise you one thing. If you go through all the steps, if you make it all the way up the bridge to OT3,

if you become clear, your legs will become the beautiful, statuesque legs of a model. It's one of the things that this work can do for you. 100%. By the end of today? No, it won't be by the end of today. By the end of tomorrow, maybe? Probably be quite a while. Next week.

A lot of work. A lot of work. It could be. Forgive me for asking, will it be proportional or what the size of a land? go to her upper body and then her legs will be nice, but then the upper body will look like a hairy tree. Oh, which is... Like a tube of toothpaste. Like you squeeze the large hairy legs to make a model.

Oh, yeah. What procedure am I getting? It's not a procedure. It's a process of self-enhanagement and self-perfectionizing through the work of the... Oh, speaking of procedures. Yes. Don't forget you have a mold removal coming up next week.

How can he forget? It's right in the middle of us. I know. This isn't a mole. Gotta get it removed. It's not a mole. It's a vestige from a previous life when I was a three-eyed Venusian queen. Well, it's getting bigger.

I'll tell you that. Is this a funny voice? It's not a mole. Hey, that could take off. Maybe I'll write something someday. I don't know. You're doing voices? Do some more.

I can stop. My father didn't like them either. I wanted to do the job. Jingles for legs and I had a lot written and he got he fired me. Can you give us an example of one of your jingles for legs? Well, some people have two but if you only have one, we can't help you so you better go. You better run, run, run, run, run, but you can't do that either. You can't do that either. So honey, you better get good at sex Cause you're gonna be a teaser

What's that? It's not too catchy, I have to say. You don't have to raise your hands, Tom. Why can't they just buy a regular set of legs And then tie it off in a knot like an old one-arm sailor does? You'll have to explain it one more time to me, Tom. Okay, say there's this one-legged gal, right? She doesn't walk into a bar or anything like that.

She's just a one-legged gal for the sake of, our story. Sure. She wants to have some pantyhose, right? Sure. So she goes to the store and she buys some legs and an egg. And you says if she got one leg, she can't, that you can't help them. She could buy one of those and then tie off one. Well, you see why I was fired, Tom. Oh, you need me. Well, maybe my father will hire you. Do you think your destiny, Tom Cruise, is working at legs? No, ma'am. What do you think your destiny is, Tom? I'm going to be the greatest stuntman, whatever lived, even if I have to be the greatest actor to do it. Well, I must say, you have the physique incredible.

You say you're six years old. Yep. You just have an incredible. This kid looks like an Adonis. You have more muscles that anybody have ever. I do a cold plunge before I let anyone see me. Amazing. Right under the waters of the Adriatic.

That's right. And the I only... In my past lives, I was... Yes. John Barrymore, Edwin Booth, David Merrick, and Thespus. Amazing.

The original. David Merrick, the elephant man? That's John Merrick, buddy. But I played the elephant man as John Barrymore. I mean, I was John Barrymore. I played the elephant. Oh, right. Okay.

Yeah. You've been some of the greatest actors of all time. All of it was a ruse to be a stuntman, even back in the Greek days. When I was Thespus and I would wear my own six-inch, heeled shoes that they used to wear. I think they're called Cotherni. Wow.

That's right. That checks. This is remarkable. This young man is more impressive than you, I have to say. I didn't say it. I didn't even tell her to say it. In a lot of way. What a ridiculous thing to say.

And you'll be experiencing the waters of the Ionian later on this afternoon. Yes. We'll be overboating you off of the upper deck this time. Oh. Clear. As clear as the wind blows. What? I'm just singing.

If you are born clear, then you better come near. See? Because nobody is born clear if they don't live near my house. You're hired. Pay the woman. Incredible.

I ain't got cash. No, I have cash in suitcases, and it's for important purposes later. Listen now. Yes, that's right. Yeah. I haven't notated him. my notebook. Okay, but don't say it. I'll love

please. Okay. Things we're going to be doing with the cash. All right. So, uh, let's let's try to stump him again. He's got perfect recall. As you can see, by his knowledge of the name of the elephant man and what kind of shoes, thispice wore. It seemed absolutely remarkable. What would they call? Quiffs. I think that's, that's a line of legs,

Bandy. Oh, oh, oh, oh, excuse me. They were called Cornishans. What would they call? Cothyrna. you dizzy bitch. When you're born clear, you can say anything to anyone and nobody can stop you. For a moment,

it felt like my husband was back in the room. Oh my goodness. That's what happened. Or I can't believe I'm stuck on this tin boat with a bunch of reefer addicts like you. Oh, right. Going a little too far, Thomas. Thomas now.

Stop us. I'm afraid he's going to turn me into a jack-in-the-box one of these days. Do you want me to make a note of that? No, yes. Put it in the, put it in the, Captain's Log. Okay.

Fear of Jack in the Box transformation by Tom Cruise to source. That's me. Do you think that fear comes from the male menopause he's going through that you told me about the other day? Sure. That wouldn't surprise. Why are you telling people about my male menopause? What?

Are you not going through it? Oops, you dropped your testosterone. Let me pick it up for you, you tumble. Oh, no, Tom, Tom, you don't. No, Tom, Tom, you took that for yourself. Who needs it? This kind of insulin is not good. It's bad to be insolent toward the Commodore.

Let's not forget who's in charge around here and who's creating all the tech that binds us together. Tom is. What? Tom is. Not Tom, God, darn it. It's me. What, I can't hear you through your mad tinnies.

I'm happy to snap this child's neck for you. Hey, really? Yeah. You've done that kind of work before? As a Merch Marine, it comes second nationally. Good luck trying. The only problem is he's clear. I think his neck would self-heal itself.

if you'll snap to know that. I'd love to see that. I'd know that. Yeah, well, we don't expect you to be dumb dumb. I'll tell you what, Porky, if you want,

you can give me a back rub. I run this place. Pork, if you want, you can give me a back rub. Oh, brother. It is not an RG,

Maureen. It's not an RG. I keep forgetting. The paperwork was so confusing. You can see, you can see how one would make a mistake. Not at all. Let me ask Ross, Ross, you're so close to your previous lives, aren't you? Yes. Tell us now, have you been through an auditing session with the e-meter? Have you discovered any past lives yourself? No, but I want to. Can we do it now? Very good. Oh, my goodness. You're live on the radio? I'll get the e-meter. Get the e-meter, please, Tom.

There you go. Oh, and I just finished emptying those cans of tomato paste out to make a new e-meter. Oh, very good. That's good. Yeah. Did you, but did you really get it? Because the paste really sticks in there. Did you get it? I think I got it pretty good. Okay.

And you didn't cut your fingers? No, I did, but it's okay. It's so thick with calluses, it barely. Good for you. Good for you. Mr. Haber, do you want me to make a recording of this so we can use it for future blackmail purposes? Yes, but not blackmail.

Oh, right. For just for future information, information, utilization. What's blackmail? Because I've gone saying a lot of, of things for my six years. Well, there is no, it isn't a thing.

No, there's no blackmail. No, there is at all. It's archival purpose. All information is retained and called upon later for motivation. Now, Ross, grab hold of these E meter cans. Okay.

Damn it. He's got tomato paste on his hand there. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hold on. Let me just. I need a wet wipe. Oh, thank you. Thanks, Lord. Oh, look it off. Good, pork, you. Thanks, my God.

Oh, my God. He's the washcloth. Oh, it's all right. I deserve this. That's how my dad used to wash my hands before he left us because he didn't love us enough. Yikes. Put out a message. This is a message to all everyone.

Grownups will not lick children anymore. Gownups will not lick children here on the ship. Any more. Children lick grownups? Going forward. Of course, always. Ross, you're holding the e-meters and we're carefully monitoring how they register. and whether your Thetons are stimulated by anything that we say.

Okay. Take us back to a time before this time. Okay. And a time when you were, not you, but you and someone else at another time and place. Oh, I'm getting something. Yes. Oh, it's a real ugly apartment building, Mr. And I live on the bottom floor.

And I have the body of a spider. but I'm afraid of spiders and it's so ironic Wow This is incredible Yeah that was good The body of a spider But and also the head of a spider

Well it's more like my body resembles a spider Like people are very critical But I am in fact a man Oh you're a man And I'm in a spidery apartment And I hate them Wow

What you name Peter Parker In this life Yeah what Oh my god Oh it might be a spiderman A Spider-Man. Yeah. Something else is coming through.

I got a real slippery costume in my closet. Is it Harry Potter? Who? What are you talking about? No, I don't know what that is yet. The e-meter readings are off the charts. A slippery costume. What does it look like described to casualty?

Oh, no, I'm afraid of it because it's got spider webs all over it. And it's red. and it's blue. It's like Superman walked through cobwebs because he was so stupid. This is remarkable and incredible. We have on our ship, someone who in a past life was Spider-Man.

Oh, my goodness. Spider-Man. Spider-man. That is, put out a bulletin to all the ships at sea. Just a general bulletin to all the ships at sea. Just explain. Put it in your own words. Wait, what do you want me to say?

We found it Spider-Man. We've found a child who in a past life was a Spider-Man. But Mr. Hubbard, you usually want it. But Spider-Men was a notorious crime fighter, and you usually want to squash that kind of thing. Well, no, no. It depends upon what's considered a crime. Well, because you do a lot of crimes. No, I have never done a crime.

Extortion, blackmail. These are not crimes when they're done in the greater service of the universe, which is what we're up to here. What this work is all about. Something else is coming through. Yes, go ahead, Ross. I work in an office, but everyone who comes in lies on a couch. Interesting.

And I tell them what's in their brains. And I tell them why that thing shouldn't be in their brains. Oh. Mr. Hubbard? Yes. You thinking what I'm thinking? Absolutely I am. This is a.

Ross, I'm afraid in the previous life you were the worst of the worst of intergalactic menaces to humanity and the thrivingness of the Satan. You were a psychiatrist. That's what's coming through. Yeah. And you have been placed on this ship by subterfuginous means. And therefore, you must, we're just going to have to, yeah. Do you want me to snap his neck? Let's kill him.

Maybe. Oh. Tom. We bunk together. Yeah, but I bunk with a lot of weirdos. If you're going to snap my neck, I want Tom to do the stunt. Well, I'll do it. That's a reasonable request.

I love a challenge. You'd like to have your neck snapped by Tom Cruise? Let's put it in a hell. No, I want him to be me. Oh, I see. No, that's not a reasonable request. Here's what we're going to do. And Maureen, just quickly, if you would consent to this writing.

This is upsetting. I know. We're going to put Little Ross in a lifeboat, and we're just going to send it off. and we'll give them a box of chit-chit-chit what did you have for breakfast this morning? Chee-chios. We'll give them a box of chichios and a little carton of chocolate milk. Ross, what do you think? Are you okay with going in the lifeboat while Mommy does the singles cruise?

Mom, no, I'm having too much fun with these guys. I got to say yes or no to the husband. I can't. I just, I can't, you know, I got to keep them with me. I don't think it'd be good for him to be out of. We could put her in the lifeboat, too. We could put them both. All right.

At the end of this broadcast, we'll put you both in a lifeboat and we'll give it a hard kick. Well, I can't argue with that. And the two of you will be gone. Have fun on your orgy for a billion years at sea. What a dick. There's nothing else that can be done. Your son was a psychiatrist in a previous life. You never should have brought him here.

Yeah. And you can send yourself, you could use your big tree trunk legs to kick off from the boat and then that'll send you halfway across the Ionian sea. That's a great idea. You're just full of them, aren't you? You're half catamaran, you weirdo. You could pluck all those leg hairs off and make a fishing line. Oh, yeah. String them together, you mean? Yeah, string them together. You get some nice thick twine. You know how strong leg hair is,

pubic hair in general? Sure, yes. I mean, you've told me you have the strongest pubic hair of any human being. I absolutely do. No, that's not true. His pubic hair is falling out. It's been scientifically measured that my pubic hair is of a strength, far exceeding steel. Mr. Hubbard, that's not true. No, it is. All those things were up on the deck. It's big tufts and hair. I thought there were a bunch of owl pellets or something.

No, those are his boobs. Oh, my God. I thought this ship was overrun with radioactive dust bunnies. Well, and it very well may be. I thought there was like a red felt shirt factory that there's just a clumps of red. I thought little mice were reenacting westerns where things got quiet and tumble reed rolled by. You're all thinking too much.

This is the problem. No, but, Mr. Albert, no, there's a very simple solution to this, which is that your hair is falling out in clumps in certain parts of your body, but in other parts, it can't stop growing, like that patch on your back. That's shaped like a question mind. You got a quato. You'll have to use your imagination. I have a watch.

A quarto. What is Aquato? Oh, you'll find out in about 25 years, something like that, 27 years. Ross, Ross, you get off the nice man. That's not a pillow. That's a patch of hair. Don't get off me, you psychiatrist. I'll give him the back of my hair.

God, sleepy. He looked so comfy. Get him off of me. I'll get him off. Come here, you. Come here, you. No, no, I like him. He's the nicest man I am.

You've been bitten by a psychiatrist. She's going to turn her into a psychiatrist. That's what I'm afraid of. No, no, no. I had the vaccine you gave me. Oh, yeah, that's right. Tag out, Ross. Ow!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. Don't bite her. Don't bite her.

Stop. Oh, you're on it with tomato sauce. I'm sorry. Stop licking. Blood. Oh. There will be put a bulletin, a bulletin to everyone at sea. No more.

Facing. biting as a general policy heretoforward from the Commodore. Okay. No more face biting. I felt like I was in a room with my ex-husband again. And we were making out. Whoa.

Wow. This is an origin. Chugs taken out of my face. He used to sharpen his teeth, you told me. He did. He was sharpening his teeth. Kind of a man would do that. To better bite his wife.

I guess so. Shocking. Shocking. To better bite his wife. Yes. All right. Let's stump the clear. Ask Tom some more questions for the testes in his total recall.

Bring it on, you scrots. Tom, what is a common score in the game of tennis? 45 love. Next. Amazing. And how does that make you feel? Oh, I don't like that one bit. He's a goddamn psychiatrist.

That's where that's coming from. We've got to put the quash out of that right away. I'm afraid he may be beyond help. Oh, no. Please, please help him. Maybe there's a life that was before that got destroyed by these evil ones. It's worth a try. Grab the cans again, Ross.

Hey, not these. Hey, tag out, Ross. Stop it, I'll stop it. Hey, let go of my cans. General announcement to all crew members, do not grab Betty slurps breasts. Could I slurp Betty's grabs breasts? No. Look, I'm workshopping it.

I'm only... Hey, I like that. We could call boobs grabs. Yeah. Let me get a look at them grabs. It comes with instructions. I guess I'll put them away, Mr. Hubbard. That would be a good idea.

Is it true that you breastfeed from your personal secretary, Mr. Hubbard? Oh, yes. It helps him go 99. Elixir. I don't like any question that begins with, is it true that? Let's see. Do you breastfeed from your secretary's big old? Thank you, Tom.

And yes, I do. Yes, every night. going to sleep without it. Yes, that's correct. And in the morning and around about noon. Lunchtime. Because we have to keep the milk coming. Oh, yes. You got to take milk to make milk is what I always say. Exactly. Wow. I cannot be weaned. Can I try to stump the clear again?

Yes, please. Sure, sure. The conflict known as World War I started when Fran Ferdin and the arched Duke of Panama. No. Was, was, uh, was assassinated in, uh, was it in Slovenia, true or false? Oh, true false. Archduke Ferdiname. False.

Austria. No. No, it was Serbia. Oh. You stumped the clear. No, no, no. He said false. Oh.

You asked Slovenia. He said false. And the answer was. And then he said, I didn't hear that. He said false. It was not Slovenia. Oh, you're right.

I was calling you Austria. Damn, you poor. Wait, let me try to stump the clear. Unstumpable. Okay, Betty, good luck. Mr. Haber. Yeah. What is the correct temperature

the medium rare? Beef. Yes, what is the correct temperature of the medium rate? Beef. I mean, what is it in numbers? To cook it in or to have it arrive at the table in? to us in centigrade and Ferenhouse.

Okay, ready? Yeah, I'm ready. Austria. Say that. Is that right? Well, it must be in some way that we may not comprehend. That's right. My ways are, I move in mysterious ways.

Yeah. No, to answer your question. Yes. Okay? Yes. To be honest. To be serious. Please be honest and serious.

Okay. That's all I ask. All right. Yes. You got to cook it at 200 degrees. Oh, Jesus. How'd you know that? Well, I'd have done it, haven't I?

Wow. And you've got to serve it at 100 degrees. So you have to let it drop 100 degrees before you serve it. That's right. That's how you arrive at a medium well steak. Yeah. Okay. Wonderful.

Good job. Well, he's unstumpable. I think we can all agree. I agree. I'll make note of it. Yes, make note of it. Send it a message. All the ships at sea. The young Tom Cruise is unstoppable. You know who is stumpable?

Who's stumbable? That one-armed sailor he was talking about it. Oh, yeah. He got a stump. I threw that guy overboard. Pork, are you making a joke? I was trying. I'm sorry. Mr. Habit, when you tell me to make a bulletin to all the ships at sea,

I just go out on the poop deck and I use a megaphone and I shout into it, Should I be doing something different? Yes, you absolutely should be. Oh. You should be using the telegraph machine. Oh, this thing? Yes, it gets a dab at the telegraph. And telegraphing, it has a setting on there.

I can't make heads or tails of this. All the ships at sea. See that button? I made it myself. Oh, yeah. Press that. Uh-huh. And then send out the message.

The message. The missive and the message. Um. Put it to all the ships at sea. Okay, I'm doing it. Very good. What? Don't, uh, what was it?

Lick. Adults. Was that it? Oh, we're going to have to work on that system. We're going to work on that system. Sorry. All right. Hey, listen.

I think we've come to the part of our broadcast where we're going to do a radio program, a radio drama that I have written. Now, as you know, I have a hold together of the world record, world records for the greatest number of things written by any person. And this is a radio drama I have written using my patented method of first draft, last draft, get it out the door. Tom, you're going to. be our narrator and I believe

the narration is in the present tense throughout but there may be an exception or two to that. Some of you are playing multiple roles and I believe I've highlighted everything that needs to be said. You've got Tom Cruise and he used him as narrator. Okay, great.

Sorry, I didn't realize. Finest actor through all the place and time. This is called Paging Dr. Starlaser and this is the continuing adventures of Commander Maxwell Starry. laser. Rum.

Well, hold on. Let me get it out properly. Yeah, let me just take a quick sip of breath milk. Take a little nip. Oh, my God. Very good. Thank you very much, Betty. Oh, my God.

It's the only thing to calm me. It looks like a beanbag wearing a knit cap. Pretty cool, huh? Way to go. All right. And there are some places for sound effects that we'll have to be put in later by a skilled editor. All right, let us begin the radio drama,

paging Dr. Starleaser. The year is 2004. The place, the interplanetary medical research facility on the tiny planet of Ullet 7 in the galaxy and Torrezac.

Our hero, space commander Maxwell Starlaser, the man in charge, smokes a Xanrithian leaf cylinder as he strolls above the test tubes, beakers and lab coat-wearing aliens from every corner of space who work away in this massive bustling laboratory. Uh, pardon me, commander star laser. Who the hell are you?

Dr. Storzac, chief medical technician from the Norbonnevian. And why are you bothering me? Well, I just want, are you mad at me? Huh? Oh. No, no, no. The character. I just wanted to say that you really mustn't smoke in here.

There are combustible materials throughout the lab. Listen to me, you egg-headed, bastard. Males of my species just ate our young inside our heads, but it is exactly an egg. Don't interrupt me! I'm a highly decorated military commander and a specialist in lethal hand-to-hand combat from Earth. You think I'm happy babysitting an intergalactic gathering of medical researchers on the rinky-dinkiest little planet in all the known universes? But commander? Yes, Professor Forksnot.

Surely you realize the importance of our mission. A strange ailment is causing every euclaten man, woman and young... Uklatian. Uchulatian. Uchulatian man, woman, and younglet to grow weak and ill. If a cure isn't found, the entire population could die. Sure, sure, I know all about it. The only thing I don't know is why they chose me to oversee the whole deal.

did I do to who? Star Laser had asked this question out loud nearly every solar cycle that he'd been stuck on uck you lat 7. But in truth, he knew the answer. When a man is capable of coming up, what's that mean? Coming, uh, I'll show you later. Coming up to eight times in an evening. He should probably think twice before taking the admiral's daughter out on a date.

Word was Star Laser had spoiled the girl for any other man and the admiral. was none too pleased about it. As he casts his mind back to that fantastic night, the commander stamps out his leaf cylinder, pops another one into his mouth, and flicks open his lighter. Please, commander, the lab could explode. The ukulat 7 is so small

that an explosion of that size could knock the planet off its orbit and into one of its five sun stars. Yeah, I know. That's why when we finally get off the spitpillar, ball of a planet. We have to leave behind the perfectly good rocket ship that brought us here and instead depart by way of space great hydrogen balloon

peacefully floating up and out of the atmosphere. That's no damn way for a space commander to hit for home. Excuse me, doctors. Your test subject is here. Oh, excellent. Still going. Excellent. We may be headed home soon.

Commander Stal-Laza. We have a a new compound that is ready to be tested on a... Euculatium. Luculatian. Here he comes now. Christ, look at him as pale as a cane toads belly and skinny as a Borthanian swimsuit model in Moulting Season. A pathetic sight. Hello. I'm Courtney Blarvanard.

I hope this new medicine works. If not, I'll likely die tonight. If not sooner, down the hatch. The sickly humanoid lifts the test tube full of glowing, liquid to the nutrient intake valve in his middle neck, and everyone in the lab watches as the liquid descends into his translucent digestive pouch. Translucent. What? Translucent. Possibly spelled wrong.

No. Translucent. Suddenly, a smile spreads across the alien's face. I'm only six. What? I feel. No better than before. Oh, son of a shit.

Don't say that. You're just awe and disappointments. I know. Everyone awes in distress. Just awe. Son of a shit. Oh, well, back out of tomorrow, eh, boys? The scientists shuffle out, leaving only Commander Starlaser and the rapidly dying test subject.

I've had about as much as I could take of the, this crappy little space rock. Star laser turns to face the massive chalkboard that's crammed floor to ceiling with advanced mathematical computations. His eyes begin to scan it rapidly. Okay, multiply mass by viscosity, magnify neutrons A and B,

fortify the cell membrane. Okay, okay, I think I got it. A short time later. Hey, Skinny, I've been tinkering around with these chemicals and I've got a new cocktail for you. Give it a spin. Might put some hair on your genital. plate.

Ew. Okay. I guess. I haven't got anything to lose. Why? I feel fantastic. My goodness is. It's a miracle.

Hot damn, I did it. You're as bright green as an algae bloom, and your eyes are steaming again. You look terrific. You've done it. You've cured me. We have to tell everyone. Now hold your horses.

Horses. Horses? Are there horses on the ship? No, no, there aren't. Nor in this planet. Horses are like Rasmanders, but without the mucus. Look, I've got a date with your princess Thrux. I'll be back in however long it takes me to coax her into a mating pod and then come eight times. Then we can tell people about this little cure of mine. Until then, read a mind magazine.

Take a nap. Just don't leave here or talk to anyone, got it? Okay. Star Laser heads out into Acculat Seven's last of five sunset. and makes his way to the Imperial Palace where he spends memorable evening stimulating the princess's anterior pleasure grooves.

Oh my God. Uh-huh. I've visualized them very specifically. Eight comes later, he returns to the lab to make a plan with the newly revived Courtney Blarvanard. But he's in for a surprise.

All right, Skinny, I'm back. Who the hell are you guys? Skinny, what the hell is going on? Oh, I know you told me not to tell anyone, Commander, but I just couldn't keep it in. I brainwaved to my wife to tell her the great news about the cure, and she brainwaved to her brother who works for the government, and now the Minister of Health wants to see you right away.

Uh-huh, and judging by the tactical unit in my lab, I guess this isn't an invitation I can decline, huh? Let's go, Star-Laser. Hello? Hello? Commander Star Laser. Thank you for coming on such short notice. Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Minister of Health, Neth Binzo. I don't usually take meetings in the middle of the moon crossing. Excuse my sleeping costume and exposed genital plate. Don't mention it. Mr. Blabinot,

you are indeed the picture of health. Commander, you really, have found the cure for the illness that's been wiping out our population. And not only that, I feel better than healthy. I feel 20 years younger and as strong as a Raskander. As soon as everyone on Oolot 7 gets a hold of this incredible medicine minister, you'll be out of a job. We'll have no use for the Ministry of Health at all.

Well, yes, in fact, that had occurred to me. Hey, skinny, this is why I told you to keep your mouth shut. The three of us, plus your wife and her brother, are the only ones who know about the command is cure. Am I right? Yeah, that's right. Good. Minister Binzo presses a button on his desk. A curtain rises automatically to reveal the dead bodies of an Acculadian male and female.

Oh, no. My wife and her brother. I'm afraid so. You see, I'd rather like my job. This new medicine would make me obsolete, and I can't. have that. I'm afraid the two of you will have to join them in death. And then no one will know about your little cure. Why are you smiling, Commander Star Laser?

Because this is the part I like the best. What do you mean? Fast as lightning and twice as deadly. Star Laser whipped his outstretched arm across all three of Courtney Blarvanard's necks, snapping them instantly. Before the lifeless alien could even hit the four. floor, he had pivoted and leapt to come face to face with the chief of the tactical unit who barely had time to blink before Star Laser had twisted the bayonet out of his hand

and plunged it in deep into his vascular bulge. Purple blood burst into view as Star Laser was set upon by four highly skilled sword-yielding men. The flurry of kickstabbs, slashes, eye gouges, and genital plate-shattering maneuvers leaves the room awash in purple and Star-Laser feels like a man for the first time since he was banished to this feeble rock. He turns his attention to Mimnister Bimzo, just in time to see the greedy bureaucrat, how do I know that word? Press another button on his desk and instantly gets sucked into a pneumatic tube in the ceiling. StarLaser has time to dive into the tube and follows his target, but pauses.

I got a better idea. This is Commander Maxwell StarLaser calling Earth Defense HQ. You. We read your Star Laser. What's your status? I'm in the rocket ship that brought us here and I'm blasting off for home. Tell the Admiral's daughter to get some rum and coax ready. What? No. You mustn't. A rocket blast would knock the planet of Ukulat 7 off its orbital path and kill everyone.

You're breaking up Earth's defense. I did not read your last transmission. Do not blast off. Are the scientists with you? Star Laser switches off the ship's communicator. No, they aren't. Linder lights a leaf cylinder and takes a deep, satisfying drag. Initiating liftoff in a five, four, three. Beautiful. That sounds like an computer.

Incredible. It's a mission accomplished. Now to the stars. Pugh, pew, pew, pew. That's the end of Paging Dr. Star Laser. Incredible, Mr. Hap. And it's very similar to what happened to us in England when we came and we tried to solve all of England's problems, all of the health problems plaguing the entire population.

And their minister of health said that we were, what, selling snake oil and undesirable aliens and ejected us from the country. Very similar. It's so similar. I thought it sounded familiar. If only I could have blasted off and destroyed all of England.

I like Star Laser. You still have those plans in progress. Well, but again, the amount of things, almost everything you've said can't be part of this broadcast. The explosives that you have in the hole. And we could, you store them in the hall. But the point is, if you tell people, about it now.

By way of a public radio broadcasts, and they're ready for it. What is he? What is what? This is a public radio broadcast. Ship to shore with Alron Hubbard is what it's called. I know. I'm so excited to be here.

Okay, good. All right, fine. But that's about all the time that we have. Does anyone want to say anything in fair? I want to say it was so fun to pretend to be other people. Now, that's what you said you want to do? Well, yeah, I want to direct. I'm going to, I do acting.

Wow. That was really fun. So it sounds like you'd be on board for doing a musical or a talent show one Friday night. Yeah. I could give it a try. Wow. Porky. Wow.

You've got a beautiful singing voice. Oh, come on. You have the voice of an angel. Oh. I don't know about that. What's going on. What a croonah. Incredible.

That's just gorgeous. Well, Maureen and Ross, I wish you could join us in the musical, but we are right now headed for the life, folks. Oh, don't worry. We'll tell everyone we pass about the explosives. Oh, God damn it. Now we can't get rid of them. Do you see what you've done, Betty? Should I not have mentioned it?

You should not have mentioned it. Oh, shoot. Now we have to keep a goddamn psychiatrist on board this ship. Yes. No boundaries. Can the two of us learn to get along? Well, folks, this has been ship to shore with Elron Hubbard and my very many special guest, many thanks to Betty Slurp, my personal assistant, who,

when this finally comes out, you will not hear at all. And Maureen and Ross Legs, thank you very much. And little Tom Cruise and Porky, tell me again, your last name. Dando. Porky dango. Dando. Dando. All right.

Well, folks, thanks again for joining us, and we'll see you next time on Ship to Shore. Bonus nanza extravaganza is brought to you by Andy Daley with Matt Goreley. It was mixed and edited by Mark McCombo, an executive produced by Abby Daly and Matt Goorley.