Bonanas for Bonanza - The Andy Daly Podcast Project Presents Extravaganza Octopod 2, Episode 1: Extravaganza: "Inside Schmeideberg Pretzels"

Episode Date: September 5, 2026

Subscribe to The Andy Daly Podcast Project at Patreon.com/AndyDalyAugust Lindt and H.R. Giger are joined by US Ambassador for North American malls Debbie Swirly to discuss the exciting future of everyone’s favorite pretzel! Plus another installment of This Day in Schmeideberg Pretzel History. Featuring: Mary Holland & Matt GourleyReleased on Patreon as Extravaganza #87Merch: redbubble.com/people/ADPodProject/shopMail: PO Box 9407 Glendale, CA 91226Andy’s website: andydaly.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is Andy Daly, back with another season or Octopod of eight episodes of extravaganza, the subscriber-exclusive comedy podcast grab bag show that our Patreon subscribers have been enjoying for the past three years. We've made 91 episodes as of now, and there's so much fun that every now and then we'd like to sneak a few of our favorites into this free feed. Starting today, we'll release one extravaganza episode a week every Saturday for eight weeks. It's an octapod. If you enjoy them and you want to hear all of the extravaganzas ad free, we certainly hope you'll consider subscribing at patreon.com slash Andy Daily. With that, I give you the Andy Daily podcast project presents extravaganza Octopad 2 episode one inside Smeiderberg pretzels featuring Mary Holland and Matt Goreley. Enjoy. First, the official podcast of the Smiderberg pretzel company coming to you from the Franzrick to vestibule of the Schmeiderberg.

Pretel factory here in Dusseldorf, Germany. On this podcast, we are peeling back the curtains, giving you a chance to know what kind of work and what kind of people go into making your favorite snack food. Smeiderberg pretzels, the number one pretzel that always reclaims your mouth. Welcome, the gate is open wide to Smeiderberg pretzers. Not literally, but in the sense that we are taking you inside the process. The pretzel process. I am junior and senior sort inspector.

here at a factory, August Lane Jr. and host of this podcast. I am here with my happy co-host, HR Giga. Hello, Gooden, talk. You know, I'm working on a little new thing. No big deal, I guess, unless you want to hear about it. No, thank you. Of course, I am making some joke. I'm dying to hear about anything that H.R. Giger is working on. That was only making some jokes.

What a fun time, because I believe that in inside, I like to think of my heart as a kind of coal-hardened diamond, but I felt a fissure of sadness crack within. I'm sorry to do that, even for the moment, E. But it was the moment of sadness, and without it, I could never have been redeemed with the laughter, which in itself is too happy to as make me sad and puts me back in the place I should be. H. We're bordering on over-analyzing my joke.

I was only making a joke to say that I don't want to hear, but of course I do. Oh, well, what if you say instead of twisting, I'm not. I don't know, a bunch of dough into a pretzel knot. You used a lower intestine. Wait a minute. Start again. When you will make a pretzel, you will make a dough into the shape of pretzel, yes. You roll it into a long thin cube.

But what else is that shape? But it's not a cube, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. With a liquid you. A cube, yeah. And you know how I feel about various liquids, viscosity and such. Certainly I do. We talk about it almost all the time.

I know. Last night I was trying to get you to sleep and you said, my body needs to talk about this. It's forcing me to talk about liquids and tubes. Yes, HR is staying with me for this moment. Yes, it's a lot. It's a short story, but I won't tell it. Good.

You are suggesting that a pretzel could be made of human intestine instead of dough. Specifically lower intestine. I'm sorry, specifically laurented, but still salt, yes? Oh, yes, salt it to preserve it and mummify it. But lower intestine because higher intestine is above sea level and lower intestine is below sea level, so it's saltier. Okay. I see you've thought about every detail.

Yes. Well, wonderful. Listen, we could run it by research development and ideas. We could run it by the ideas department. That doesn't sound very committed to me. I love your idea. Some wiggle. No, I love your idea.

I don't know how. it will go this corporate. My diamond heart is fissuring again. It's a wonderful idea and we're going to do it, I guarantee. Okay. But today we have a guest. I am so excited especially to have the guest today. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to welcome someone and I don't know this person very well,

but I'm going to get to know. We already have had a nice little chat, but it's time to really get to know. Our guest is Debbie Swirley. And Debbie, you are the U.S. ambassador for North American Mall. Yes, I am. I'm so pleased to be here. I really am. Thank you for having me. And you're a woman? Yes, you got it. Just making sure. Right on the nose.

Okay. H.R. Giger has a profound fear of women. I've noticed. He's sitting so far away from me. He's cowering into the corner. I'm not going to buy it. It's okay, but you won't be offended if I put on a hazmat suit? Not at all. No, no, no. I'm so used to that. Because I wear a lot of perfume.

You do your aroma. It's multifaceted. Thank you so much. And when you say a lot of one perfume or a lot of different perfumes, I'm getting up okay. I layer them. I layer them. I layer them.

Because, you know, since they react differently to your body chemistry. Oh. And so there's never just one. One scent that works for me. I found I need a scent for my neck and I need another scent from my belly button. And I need another scent for my toes. No need to.

And so a layer and that. It's expensive. A layer and layer. Anyway, I'm so sorry if it's overwhelming. No, it's, it's welcoming, but not too much. Oh, good. But for certain, we are well. You two are adorable.

This is so fun. It's wonderful to have you here. I'm so excited. Is this your first time coming to Dulzendorf? My first time. My first time I brought. road. You're kidding me. No. That is unbelievable to hear this. Isn't it wonderful? No, I'm having such a time and I'm taking myself all just on a European trip. I mean, of course, I'm here for work.

Yeah. So, and part of my work is I'm seeing about, you know, replacing the Wetzel's pretzels and North American malls. Is that what it's happening? Yes, that's why I'm looking at your company. Oh, my goodness. I didn't even know the stakes are so high. Well, they're very high because Wensels Pretzels is going under. Is that true? We don't even need to take them down, going on their own? No, no, you should take them down. Okay.

But there's a lot going on internally at that company. And so anyway, as a U.S. ambassador in North America, all malls in North America, that's what I do. Wow. Oh, my goodness. I'm in charge of all the stores and all the malls of North America. You are? You're a woman and you're powerful?

I mean, I don't have that much power. I just sort of, I mean, I still report to my higher-ups. You know, I don't own the malls. Okay. But no wonder you can afford so many different senses. I'm sorry. Am I getting too close to your face? It looks so uncomfortable.

Well, what I... I just, I can't really see your face through the hazmat screen, and so that's why I'm getting real close. Is it bothering you? It is bothering me a lot. And what I'm going to do is fashion little mini bamboo poles to stick out from my face so as to keep at you at a distance or else you will be jab. Okay, well, I'm used to that.

As you are talking, he is staring at your mouth and becoming more and more alarmed, but it's just a mouth, eh, ah. I have a nears, I have a nears. I understand. That's a little. That's not what it is. It's what the mouth implies that is bothering me. Just physically.

There's no implications. There's implications of speaking and eating. It's perfectly, yes, mouths are normal it. mouth is the only place where all the bad things can come from. Criticism. Oh, mm-hmm. Sexual pheromones. All things.

Those come from your mouth? Sure. No, I thought that came from the top of your head. It's okay, though. You are okay because you're wearing such a bouquet of perfume. Oh, I love that bouquet. Yeah. I love that.

I think it's quashing all the pheromones. So for the first time, I think I might be able to coexist in a room. with a woman. Oh, that's wonderful. This is a big step. Yeah, it's wonderful. No kidding about it. Because, listen, a lot of times

as a woman will remind him of his mother and then it's, we got a whole, that's like the two weeks of things. Well, it's not just that, but it reminds me of my mother and my mother reminds me of my wife. Oh, my God. Oh, so you are married.

Yeah, Carmen Maria Shepleagicker. Oh, my goodness. What a name. Yes, and she. She must be, what a woman to have. have such a name. Yeah, she approves or disapproves my paintings for release. Oh, you're an artist too.

Oh, that's all I. Well, I could have deduced that y'all are artists based on your pretzels. Well, I consider myself a sort of a Michelangelo of salt, you know, where I will look at a piece of salt and I will say, yeah, that could be the David and I put that on a pretzel kind of thing. Well, sometimes you just, is that one flake of salt makes all the difference. I'm glad you out see it that way, because that's true. Sometimes you know what? I don't like to say it.

Of course, every piece of salt on a Schmeiderberg pretzel deserves to be a schmiderberg pretzel, but sometimes there will be one particular piece of soda when you eat the pretzel, what you're really appreciating is that one piece of salt. You know what I mean? That's the one that sticks with you. Yes, that's the one that sticks with you.

It's very special. I try to put at least one of those on every pretzel, but they don't have a conduct. Well, I love that commitment to excellence, you know. That's what you don't get from a wetssel, pretzel, I bet you? And that's, well, no, and I have to say, because they've gotten so complacent in their success. Of course they have.

I mean, they're ubiquitous. Why are they failing as a business? They have so, I have been through the malls in America. I have seen the vegetables. I have seen that they will put somehow the hot dog inside of the pretzel. Yes, they will do this. They will do this. If you use my lower intestine, that's already taken care of.

You know what I mean? That's true. To eat your lower intestine? If you use a lower intestine to make a pretzel with, chances are there's already a hot dog in there. And it itself is kind of a hot dog if you think about it. Are you saying that you probably ate a hot dog and so there is a hot dog in your lower intestines? I'm not using my...

Well, your lower intestines are a hot dog. Yeah, where are you sourcing the intestines from? This is... I didn't ask a lot of questions about this idea. No, now I'm interested in this and I'm going to put this in my report. I'm not going to get me on this. I'm going to put this in my report. No, don't ask, don't smell.

Okay. That's a good policy. Let's just say I'm getting them, okay? They're acquired. Don't worry about the supply chain. These are not blood intestines. These are ethically sourced human intestines. But there will be blood because blood flows through them.

That's how they function. It's a figure of speech, August. And I love using the whole animal. Yeah. I love that. Sustainable. Me too. If we're going to, if we're, if we're going to, if there's going to be an animal dead, we better use a rooter to tutor.

You know what I mean? We better use that whole animal. I agree. And so I'm all for that, you know, so much of human bodies when they become corpses go to waste. That's wonderful. I'm so glad you have that ethic. You bring that to your work as a most person. Oh, of course.

And your job is to go around the world to find straws. would be good at North American malls? That's exactly my job. Well, and I've never been abroad. Oh, of course. That's why. This is your first trip abroad. Yeah, so I do a lot of my work remote.

But I am on a store finding mission in Europe right now. You are U.S. ambassador for North American malls. Yes, that's right. So there is a U.S. ambassador for South American malls or South American. Oh, yes. And she's a bitch. Oh, here we go. No, no, no, I love Trixie.

I love her. But, no, we are locked in an eternal battle to see who can populate the best stores in the best malls. I'm Tim Swirley. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah, me too, Tim Shirley, of course. I can't believe that you'd never travel the brother. I don't want to, I don't want to make too much of seeing of it. But the idea that you Americans don't come around to the rest of the world is a real stereotype.

It's something that gets said about you people. And it's true, though. In Europe, of course, we travel everywhere. Well, because you're so close. You could drive. You can drive to, you could drive to, I don't know, you could drive to Sweden. I could drive to Sweden, that's true. How long would it take it?

Two hours? It would take the way I drive. It would take 18 hours. I drive very slowly, though. Well, I love that. I love being safe. Yes, I have a little three-wheel car. Oh.

Like a tricycle? It's, well, it's a, it's a, yeah, it's a motor tricycle. Oh, oh, I've seen that. Yeah, but it's not like the little crazy ones that you might see where it's a convertible. Like an island incumbent bike where you, are you laying down? I can lay down, but I can't see the road. So, but it's more of a, I guess you could do that in any car. I suppose.

It's a full car. It's a full car. It was originally a Eastern German mail delivery truck, but I have turned it into the August Merville. It runs an olive oil. Can you believe that? No. It's ethical. That's so ethical.

I love that. Yeah. Well, and, but that's my point. Yeah. You all have so many, like, you are just so close to each other over on this side of the ocean where you can do. What part of America are you from? Can I ask that because you have a beautiful. I was wondering the same.

Beautiful accent. Oh, thank you so much. It's beautiful. Well, I was born Mississippi, raised in Alabama. Excuse me, you were born Mississippi. Yes, I was born Mississippi. I changed my name to Debbie. Okay.

People do that all left and right. Just changing names. It's crazy these days. And I was raised in Alabama. And then I, but then, but then, My daddy went to North Texas, and so that's where I went to high school. Okay. And then, of course, I then went back to Southwestern Virginia, and I have been talking this way ever since.

Beautiful. It's beautiful. Thank you so much. I know. I just like my sense. I am a bouquet. You are. Of Southern X-Sense.

Of what now? Southern X sense. Okay. So here's fun thing I want to know about this, what you're talking about. When you will go to a mall in America, you will find that there is a wetsers pretzels, of course, but also Auntie Annie. How can the American mall support two pretzels business? Well, they're two different customer bases. What's the difference between the fun of the orders?

Well, Auntie Annie, you know, the customers who tend to go there, they're often looking for like a matriarch type figure in their lives. Their only nieces and nephews can go to Auntie. Yes, exactly. I'm only nieces and nephews. And people who are missing some sort of, you know, maternal authority figure in their life. Oh, no. Is that what happens? When you go to Auntie Annies, the person behind the counter will treat you like you are a child?

Yes, like you're a niece or a nephew. And so, and that's, there's liquid coming out of the bottom of your hazmat suit. Yes. What happened? I'm welling up a kind of viscous. Here's the thing, I don't sweat. I secrete. Okay?

I love that. Me too. What is the material that you're secreting though? Because it looks like it must be sweat. It isn't perspiration or is it? Well, do you ever play one of those games where you press it and there's water and you have to get the hoop to jump onto the hook? Oh yes, of course.

But imagine if that was filled with crude oil. Then you couldn't see the little who. That's why I can't use what I secrete for that game. And I have tried. You have tried to do that? Yes, yes. Listen, why do we need all this iPad business? Vendatry's a perfectly fun game right there to try to get a hook on a thing.

I totally agree. Right? In the old days. People are so dependent on iPad. Oh, my God, what if I do about it? You tell me. We can't solve it at a pretzel factory. No.

No, but you know what you can solve? You can't because, well, and Wetzel's pretzels, you know, so what they do, that's sort of their customer base, college students. That's what it is, huh? You know, newlyweds. They have to be affordable pretzels. They got to be affordable. Yeah. Oh, so I see.

Are Waxels a little cheaper than the kind of, you get. Yes, and they're fast. They're fast. They're fast. And as such, the product they're turning out is starting to. is starting to fail in quality. I have found. And so my job as a U.S. ambassador of North American miles,

now, now I can, at any time, I can say to Wetzel, Retzel, you're done. No, you can do that? No. I can't. But I can, I can. But I can, God talk to my bosses. And they can make the decision.

You could do it. You could be part of the chain of saying no more Blitzels. I could say, look, wetssel's pretzels is becoming a problem. Does this power and influence extend to any store in any given order? Any store. Lucky brand jeans. Really? Lucky brand jeans. But it should be so lucky to work there.

Oh, wow. Lucky brand jeans or, you know, the rave. I think there's still the rave. Is that like a hot topic? Yeah, it's like a hot topic is another one. You could take down hot topic? I could. I wouldn't. Hot Topic is one of our best earners.

They have a wall of glass dildos, you know. They do, for real. Are you kidding, Spenzer? Oh, I know. Or is that Spencer gift? That might be, I think that's Spencer gift. I remember one time I bought a bottle of horny pills there. At Hot Topical Spencer Gives.

Is that because your pheromones cannot get outside the escape velocity of your perfumes? Yes, and I was just having the hardest time feeling horny. And so I thought, maybe I'll take these bills. They're just green M&M's. They didn't do anything. But green M&Ms make you horny. Well, that's what they say. But I certainly didn't feel it.

Have you solved this problem some other way now? Yes, I have. Yes, I have. Don't you worry. And I don't mean to take this thing. You know, I know this is a work meeting. Oh, right. But I did find a way to solve it.

And let's just say it involves a cemetery. Oh, no. Okay. one thing repels me, the other draws me. What do I do? I'm in complete stasis. Yes, I think we have a lot in common, you and I. Oh, no.

Okay. I like the idea of the two of you going down to the cemetery and finding getting hornies together. Oh, no. Why not? Because you know what? We recently let go our entire HR department. You did. Yeah, there's no standards anymore at Dusseldow.

What happened? Why'd they go away? Well, the whole HR department was found to be fucking together. That's right. Right. So HR Giger is now the HR department. That's right. Human Resources Giger. Oh, that's you. Okay. It's just him now.

So he is the determinant of what goes and what doesn't go from an HR point of view. Wow. Well, this is wonderful. I mean, you all have such a tidy ship run here. And I would just love to know, you know, because you're a mighty company, but you are a small one. That's right. So do you want to that sort of expansion that would come? being in every mile of North America. The idea of expanding to that degree, of course, it makes me terrified that we would

be able to maintain a high level of quality that people expect of a Schmeiderberg pretzel. But I don't know. Like, what would we have to change our product in some way? Because I know when you will go to a Vetsal pretzel, you will say, please give me a wax bag and fill it with some kind of a buttery goo that will have in it little. You sound like me. Yeah, it's good, but that's what it is. But it has like a donut hole with pretzel and smush it around in there with large chunks of salt.

Can, are we supposed to be in that business? No, not necessarily. No, we want your version of that. Because I still don't totally know what you just said. But I will say, you don't have to do that. We don't have to do what Vetsa Pritz is going to do. No, no, but you do need to be accessible to call students a newlyweds. I don't know.

How are we going to take Smarterberg? Smiterberg. Schmeidaberg. Schmeidaberg. Smiterberg. Berg. You're not saying that's right. Berg.

Berg. No. Berg. Berg. No, it's Berg. Berg. Berg. You can't do it, Vittier.

That accent. Burke, Berg, Berg, Berg is the word. You guys are singing. Our brand sounds very different. Now, we don't see. Sounds very different from Vetzel. It is very different. Our brand is like it is the cronciest hard pretzel known to man.

Oh, bad. So it's not soft baked. No, it's never soft baked. It's hard pretzel all the times. Interesting. You have to be very careful with it because if even one piece of salt will fall from the pretzel, you've taken some of the quality out of the breadstles. The balance is off.

The balance is often. Now, do you dip it in beer cheese? Or what are you dipping? What is beer cheese? Oh, let go with me. Ow! I'm sorry. You said dip a pretzel in a beer cheese and I've had to grab your arm in a vice grip.

Don't touch her part one, part two. What was it like? It was. So soft but bony. Yeah, I don't, yeah, I thank you. I work out and I do a combination of exercises that keep me soft and bony. No muscle. Just skin,

that's what I felt. Fat, bone. No muscle. It's well, it works for you. I'll tell you that. That's it. So, yeah. Do you start dipping sauces?

There's no dipping sauces, of course. It's going to be an issue. It's a very different kind of pretzel to pretzel. Oh, no. Oh, no. But, okay, what would, so you're just to talk about what I have to happen to change it. We have to have some kind of a, dipping cheese.

You'll need some sort of dipping cheese. Oh my God. Or some sort of dipping sauce. It don't have to be beer cheese. But you need some sort of dipping choss and cheese is a big hit. As you all have cheese in Dusseldorf, don't cheese? Certainly, yes. And beer, but I suppose.

Oh, of course he had beer. Yeah, beer cheese is not unheard of in Dusseldorf, Germany. But to put a pretzel in it, it's like, I mean, it's like, it's like, it's like a bad idea. It's like if you were to get chocolate into peanut butter, it wouldn't work, you know. Oh, no, I think I found that it does work really well. Where in your American malls? Yes, and Reese's. Oh, right.

Haven't you heard of Reese's? No. Recy's Pieces? I do know that there was a very sad development once in America where someone got their chocolate in the other person's peanut butter. This is what I'm talking about. And the other person got their peanut butter and the other person's chocolate. It happened when one person was roller skating down the sidewalk. It was on the news.

And they both took their own lives. Yes. Oh, and now that you're saying, I do remember that story. That was a tragedy. I don't want that to happen here. No, and I don't either. I guess what I'm saying is would you be open to offering a couple more options on your menu? Or is it just you just have this one item on your menu?

Is it just a one hard pretzel? Here's, I'm thinking, I'm trying to work with you in my mind. Because we need soft pretzels too. It's going to be a soft pretzel. What? It's going to be a soft pretzel. It has to be soft pretzel. Well, you need to have the option of soft pretzel.

Yeah, okay. I'm charging to think of like, you know how sometimes like, okay, there will be a brand. Let's say it's like, this is not a perfect example. Maybe the better example will come. But like a Lexus is a car. Yeah. And Toyota is by the same makers of that. Car.

No. Yeah. But they will make a cheaper brand. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes, a brand imprint. So we do kind of like focus features belongs to a bigger studio. What's not finding the perfect example. No, that was perfect.

No, it's a perfect example of like, really, it's a company that has a high end of a thing of a jigger and then a low end of thing. Versace. Okay. What is the low end of thing that they also make? Kirkland. Kirkland signature. He's from Versace, I believe.

Oh, with that, wow. There you go. Okay, so what are you saying? So why did you say all that? Because you can say Schmeiderberg pretzel will remain the pristine, perfect brand. The luxury. The luxury brand of Pritzel.

But then there will be like a steer down. We call it something like Schmeiderberg crappy or Schmeiderberg. We need to workshop that name because that's not going to sell. Schmeiderberg, but not good or Schmeiderberg Greasy Something that would That would do well Shmideberg Greasy

And Spell it with like a Z Greasy Greasy Express Greasy, G-R-E-G-R-E-A-Z-E You still want the name Schmeidberg to be in there Yeah, maybe not Maybe not, that's right, good idea

Maybe it should be in there So we just call it Greasy Express I think called Greasy Greasy Peezy Greasy peasy Presils. A greasy Peezy and then underneath it you say greasy Peezy,

it's easy peasy. Oh, yeah. A greasy Peezy. Greasy Peezy. Greasy Peezy. Greasy peasy lemon squeezy or something like that. Greasy Peezy.

But then do we have to squeeze lemons? Well, you should serve lemonade. Okay. I'm sorry. I should have mentioned that. You do need to serve beverages as well. Shmiderberg has never been in the beverage business. We leave that to the expert.

But... Well, just install a soda fountain. A soda fountain in a... It's her strong. You ever get anything like that? Yes, I'm going to go to Wetzel's pretzels. Unbelievable. Why don't the people go and get the pretzel from the pretzel place

and the lemonade from the lemonade place? Why would it ever be two things in one place? Listen, now you're poking holes in the whole North American way of shopping, which is, you know, we are the land of department stores, sir. And so you better watch your mouth. Here in Europe, if you will want to make a lasagna, let's say, you will go to the pasta lasagna sheet shop, and then you will go to the meat shop.

No. And then you will go to the... There's too many stops. Tomato shop. How we, you got... That's your whole day. That's right. No.

You just go to Walmart and get everything. Y'all don't have department stores and do some doors? We want your pretzel store to be. the department store of the pretzel experience. Okay, and I can't say it any clearer than that. Okay, I mean, I'm willing to work with you. We're going to call it greasy, peasy, lemon, squeezy. And it has a menswear department?

And there will be menswear and electronics. Oh. How about perfumes? Oh, well, no, no, no. Okay. No fragrance counter. No fragrance counter because then that's going to overpower the pretzels. That's right.

Want your pretzels to be your main selling point, but then you also want to offer affordable men's way. That's a big thing of pretzel-prezell, right? Is that you can smell it from halfway down the ball. That smells very good. And it brings you in. A demilitarized zone where the smell of wetsel pretzels, baits, and just as anti-Annie's picks up,

how do they share the fragrance of the face? Yes, they are on opposite sides of malls, most malls, different concourses. Do they have to limit the... the range of the fragrances so as to not encroach on the others? Well, yes, and there have been some turf wars. There certainly have been. And so, and that's another reason we're kind of looking to replace wetsal's pretzels

is because, frankly, they're litigious. No kidding. So if somebody else's food scent encroaches upon the radius of food scent for vets or pretzel, they'll sue them. Straight to court. Because, you know, of course, I'm thinking about Senesbon and. Sinus bun. Oh, Sinus bun.

And Mrs. Fields, there's a lot of competition for your nose. Exactly. In the mall. Yeah, in them all. And Clares? Clares is the stinkiest of them all. Yes. Because of all the alcohol from piercing little children's ears.

I took, when my son was a baby, I took him two weeks old into Clares get his ears pierced. Both of the ears? Oh, no. My mom did. that to me. Did she? But it was my nipples. Oh, my God.

I know. I'm surprised they would do that at the Clare's. Yeah. And who did it? Some 12-year-old who worked there? Well, no, it was a Polish artist named Claire. Okay. And we went to the Dutch Pyrenees and he had a little tent and a piercing.

Oh, my goodness. A piercing. Pyrenees? Is that somewhere I should go on my trip? I wouldn't. What else is on your agenda? But I'm going to Italy. Oh, wonderful.

You have a wonderful time in Italy. I'm so excited. Yes. I'm going to go to Sicily. I'm going to go to Norway. Oh, that's not in Italy. It's a whole other countries. What?

Yeah, yeah. Sicily. Sicily. So is Sicily. Okay. If you say so. Isn't it? I don't know.

It's not part of Italy? If I was Sicily, I would say, fuck it. Let's just be part of Italy. Let me see. Because they're all just there. Yeah, of course. Norway is not in Italy.

Well, I'm going to Norway. Well, you are welcome to go there, but don't go there thinking it's in Italy. That's all I'm saying. Oh, but I did think it was in England. Okay, good. Then we fixed it. Uh-oh. Did you see, did you follow Norway in the World Cups?

Yes, of course. Is that why you're going? No. Okay, because I think people are, I have Norway fever all of a sudden. Oh, no. Not me. I mean, listen, I did watch the World Cup, of course, but not that's not. that did not influence my travel at all.

You know, Schmeiderberg pretzels gave FIFA something like a half a million dollar bribe to become the official pretzel of the World Cup. And it didn't happen. It didn't work. Oh, no. To give somebody a bribe and not get the thing you wanted? It's ridiculous.

Oh, no, that's ridiculous. But that actually leads me to my next question is how much you're going to give me. Oh, no. Here we go. Here's the catch. Now that I know that you're, that Schmiterberg is giving out bribes.

Yeah. I wouldn't be opposed to taking a couple marks. Are you talking on your journeys to other pretzel companies that we should be concerned about? What? I says in your journeys across Europe. Yes. Are you talking to other pretzel companies? Yes.

You are? A pretzel company in every country. No. Yes. A Norwegian pretzel company? Yes. Sicily is not a country, I apologize. Who is Sicily?

It's an autonomous region of Italy. It's a what? Autonomous region of Italy. Hmm. It functions all on its own. You could just say, I'm autonomous. What does that mean? Is it like a province?

It runs itself, but it's under the Republic of Italy. Like a state, I guess. And nobody knows its name. Oh, yeah, province, I guess. Nobody knows its name. Sicily. What? But it's autonomous.

Wait. Oh, no, no. Okay. Fun is fun, but let's be serious. The fun is fun. You can't deny that. Okay. Now, listen, when I just asked y'all for a bribe, I was just kidding.

Okay, but why are you still doing this with your hands? You're making the me, me, me. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no, don't do that motion. Please. Please, no. That's a sort of a tickling from below.

Yeah. I don't want to see it either. But you're just kidding about wanting a bribe, and I'm just kidding about... Of course. I'm just kidding about it having any effect on me. Of course. I'm also kidding when I say, like, would something like $750,000 be around there? I'm listening. Just kidding. Just kidding.

Me too. Yeah. But are you still listening to other pretzel makers? I might cancel a couple of people. Oh, well, there we go. I don't know. Are there Norwegian pretzel makers? Of course.

That's who I'm meeting with. She's going to have to talk to them. God damn fighting pretzel makers are such a bitches. Yeah. Oslo Breadworks is where I'm going. Of course. You know, I could fill my day with tours of the fjords if, you know, for some reason. Yeah.

And just kidding about this. But if for some reason that money amount you're joking about earlier, go get up a little bit. Well, it won't surprise you to hear that as the junior and senior salt inspector here at the Schmeiderberg Pitzel Company, I have a safe full of bags and bags and bags of cash. How do you have access to that? Because I sort of thought I was going to have a meeting with the CEO and owner. Doolman Schmeidberg?

Yeah. No, he's not available today because we had a plumbing issue at my house and he was over there to help out my wife. to fix it. She had a problem. She, yes, she had a problem and he said, I'll go help. That's so nice. Yes, he's very nice.

Every day there's a problem at the house and he goes to help his wife. Well, it's a very old house and I'm not very handy. And so Doolman every day pretty much like he comes to work and he will at some point go to over to my house to help my wife with something of the other. So he's that's wonderful. That's fair. And is he there all day? He's pretty much there all day.

He comes in the morning and sort of checks his emails. And then he goes through my house and then he comes back. He's always smoking a cigarette after. Oh, wow. Oh, do y'all still smoke here? Because it's sort of, it's really banned in a lot of stores. And definitely not in the malls in America. You can't smoke in the mall?

No, you cannot have a cigarette in the mall. You can't just outside the mall. Okay. But not in it. Yeah, we would still do some smoking here and do. of because we don't get the cancers. Y'all are so lucky. That's so nice.

Yeah, that's lucky. It's nice. But anyway, so I often have to bribe salt suppliers. That's just kind of how it works. Yeah. If, for instance, I want to get a high-quality salt at the Oslo Bread Company. You also wants a high-quality salt. I have to, like, grease a few palms.

I have to greasy, easy, easy lemon, squeezy some palms. So they'll give you their bit. They can't do business of both of them. Oh, no. Well, it depends. You know, sometimes my salt guy will come to me and he'll say, I got a pretty good offer from the Oslobred's company, you know, this time. So maybe it's going to be a little bit more.

And I said, that's fine. Come with me to my bags and bags of cars. That's so, wow. So I can do this for you. Okay. I can go as high as you want. Oh! Wait, no, that's not how you're doing.

Okay. What? Don't tell her that you will go as high as she was. No, you don't understand. It is mounds and mouth. mounds and mounds of cash. Stop saying bad. No, you don't understand.

It's unlimited pretty much amount of money. She's going to take it all. You have to have a ceiling. I'm sorry to say this, but your hazmat suit has a tear. Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm so sorry. I wondered why I was starting to get a rash on my lash.

Literally, whatever dollar amount you can imagine, I can supply it. Well, I'm saying, I'll tell you that. Don't have an exact amount in my head. But I tell you right now, there's a lot of zeros. That's great. It's full of zeros. Only zeros? Yes.

Okay. But at the front of it is the number nine. Nine is at the front. You've been had. And then I'm just joking about this. 20 zeros. Nine plus 20 zeros? Yeah.

I'm not a mass guy. Let me do a little research on what that actually is. Okay, you'll find that out. Hey, by the way, I'm going to tell you some things, regular feature of our podcast about pretzels while you're doing that. Today, on this day in Schmeiderberg pretzel history, you're ready to hear? Yeah.

On this day, in 1972, the International Olympic Committee sued Schmeiderberg pretzels for getting in on Germany's Olympics fever by selling a president in the shape of the five Olympic rings without receiving authorization from the Olympic Committee to do so. It was a dark spot on the otherwise perfectly delightful 1972 summer games in Munich, which except for that stupid lawsuit went off without a hedge. So that happened.

On this day? On this day, we were sued. How many years ago? 1972. Woo! The 1972 Summer Olympics in Munich was a beautiful Olympic Games. Everybody had a wonderful time that year, and it was a wonderful celebration of sports.

Why don't have to be besmirched by a lawsuit? A lawsuit from the Olympic Committee. Well, because those five rings, you know, as you all know, as you all know, Brandon is everything. Yeah. So it was a trademark in fraction or in junction. Whatever it was, it cost a lot of money's to settle out of God. Oh, my goodness.

It would put a real besmirchment upon a wonderful Olympic Games that otherwise would be simply remembered with fondness. Of course, so besmirched. Yeah. I have an answer to a number. with nine with 20 zeros and it's very clear. What is it? Oh my God, what happened to you?

I don't know. It just all came in. 90 asking. Asking. 90 asking. 90 asking. Did you ask your phone to speak to you in a foreign tongue? It just did.

How strange. But nothing for, oh, 900 quintillion. Do you have that in your closet? I think so. I'm, I've been. That's a lot. Actually, I've been getting into quintillion. It's a nice hobby and you end up with a warm something you can put on your bed.

Well, now I thought a quintillion was when it's sort of like a debut tomball. Oh, yeah, for your coming out parties. You will have a quintillion. I had a quintillion when I was 16. I just worry that we're making light of some things that are important. Quiltz and cotillions. Oh. You know, as a...

Fun is fun. As a necroscote. I love you. What? A necro sculptor. It's important to me that we honor the institutions of cotillions and quilting bees. A necroscopter. You didn't know he was a necroscopter?

Oh! I scoped images of the dead. Oh! With actual bodies? Well, um... Sh! Okay. Let's just say I use all of the animal.

Oh, I love it. Love that. Router to tutor. I love it. Good for you. Hey, listen, pretzels in the news. BMW, the chief development officer of BMW recently said that thanks to AI, BMW, says we can now bring cars to market the way you bake pretzels.

That's pretzels in the news. What? What does that mean? You bake a car? I guess so. He said that because of AI will speed up the process of making BMWs. become more like the process of making pretzels. Well, so I don't know, but I'm...

More like pretzels. I'm happy to... I don't want a car that shan't like a pretzel. Do you? No, I really, probably don't. But I would... You're about twist it around. You can talk about not being able to see the road.

I'm expecting a phone call any day now to go to BMW and consult with him about how to bake a car the way a pretzel gets baked. It's gracious. And I'm willing to go. I'm just saying I will go. I will take an afternoon. Maybe before lunch, but more likely an afternoon.

Get a fair settled in the office. Take a lunch break. Go over there. And then what will you do afterwards? After I'm done with them, if there's time, I'd like to come back and see how things have gone for the day without me at Miedembourg. Don't stop off at home. I should not stop off at home.

No, that's a good point. My wife has made clear to me. Please never surprise her at home. Because she likes, because why? She hates surprises. She says if you're ever going to come home in the middle of day for some reason, there is a fire. I can't think of any other reason.

She will say, give me at least an hour's notice. Oh. So I can, you know, she says, whatever. Take a shower. I make the bed. Whatever it is. Oh, okay. So that's just, you know.

Okay. So no going home. I'm not going to go. the office. I'll come back. You are so devoted to your work. I am very devoted. I just really admire that.

That's the kind of thing you're going to get from Schmeiderbergs. You whisper, Schmeiderbergs. Greasy peasy, lemon squeezy. Listen, I think, I'm going to run this up the flagpole because I think that this is exactly

what we're looking for in the malls in North America. Oh. Oh my God. That was unrelated. That was unrelated. What just happened over there? Your hazmat. suit like inflated for a second.

No, one of my legs resigned. It's okay though. It had a real good run. Yeah. Oh, I hope it gave you two weeks notice. It didn't, but we asked for its resignation if it had done some things. Okay, go on. But it'll be leaving with severance, of course.

Yes, well, it will be a golden parachute for that leg, I'll tell you that. But, okay, so look, as long as we take the Shminer, name off of this pretzel in the mall business, it can become absolutely anything. Okay, well, we do need the Schmiterberg name on it somewhere. Oh, shit. So it can be the smallest font in the world. Okay, all right, all right.

It can be super small. I thought of the perfect analogy. Yes, yes, yes, yes. The cola company made Fanta to have sodas in Nazi Germany. Okay. I believe. Is that true? I believe it is true.

Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Well, I, um. So is that what we're doing? I don't know that we need to advertise that we're doing the same thing as that. Easy, greasy pretzels, the Nazis' favorite treat. Yeah. Okay?

I don't. This is. We figured it out. No, I don't. I think, you know what? I'm going to go. I'm going to take my other meetings. Okay.

And I'll get back to you. Wait a minute. No, I'll get back to you. I'll fix it. It's greasy, peasy, leon, squeeze. Easy pretzels by Schmeiderberg in the same manner in which Coca-Cola created fanta for the Nazis. And that's all the name. That's better.

Instead of a knot, the pretzel will be shaped like a swastika. No, no. That's not a bad idea. It is a bad idea. You lost me. Now, now, you look so confused right now. Well, maybe we're overthinking it. Remember everybody in the 90s was so crazy for the super-Nazi.

So can't it just be the pretzel Nazi, but it's K-N-O-T-Z-I? Oh, yeah. The pretzel Nazi. I'm listening, okay. Okay, so look, it sounds like we're coming to some sort of agreement here. Yes, but I would like you to mock up some signs. Okay. Because I need to see this sign and practice in order to run it up the flagpole get improved.

Okay. And then we'll start talking real estate. That's no problem. It's all about the signs. Signs. Everywhere the signs. Exactly. Everywhere the signs.

Like all the scenery, making up my mind. How they go? I think, oh. Yeah, do this, don't do that. Can't you read the signs? Longhead hippie people need not apply. That's right. Anyway.

Well, you can make any rules you want about who you hire. Actually, no, you can. No? No. And then also, you need to decide on your scent radius. Okay, yeah. Because that is every store in the mall has, as we've discussed, a scent radius. So do you want, you know, 20 feet, 30 feet, 50 feet?

What's the most we can have? I mean, you could do the whole mall. Done. Yeah. Everywhere in the mall, all you can smell is easy, busy, busy, gazette, breezy spritz. Okay, that's going to cost you a lot of money. And maybe even spilling out into the larger community. Yes.

Oh, okay. Well, I don't really have jurisdiction over the larger community. Well, great, then no one will bother us. That's right. It's like when you go to Fontana, it all smells like dairy cows. Here it will smell like a pretzance. Beautiful. Okay.

Well, do some mockups. Okay. Email me some mockups. Okay. Is Debbie Swirley at email.com. At email.com. Okay, very good. Look, I mean, I don't know how to edit anything out so anybody can email you now.

Debbie Swirley at email.com. But don't do it frivolously, listeners. That's right. That's right. Only email this for like, what kind of emails do you like to get? I like funny jokes. Okay, very good. I like chain forwards.

And I love them when they have a threat. That's like if you don't forward this to 10 people, you're going to die tonight. I like how multicolored and large do you like the font? Oh, the bigger, the better. The more colorful, the better. Okay. I love it. And put in a lot of images.

Is there an attachment minimum? No. You can attach as much or as little as you want, but I will say I like a lot of attachments. Okay. And big attachments. 25KB attachment. That's not too big. It's pretty small.

I mean 25 TB, 25 tablespoons. 25 tablespoons of attachments? Oh no, that is a lot. Yeah, no kidding. No kidding around. That's almost a cop. Yeah. Folks, we're coming to the end of our podcast.

We've already done today's news in pretzels and this day in pretzels. Is there anybody have any other business they need to discuss before we say Alvita saying? I've got a little funny business. Oh, what you're talking about, Dachau? What's brown and sticky? What's brown and sticky? Michael syrup.

No, but that is a good guess. Can it be molasses? Well, that I feel like you're riding off of her. Yes, of course, of course. I was only trying to make another guess. What's brown and sticky? So it's not maple syrup, no molasses? No.

Well, then. A caramel chew. No. Can it be crude oil, as we were speaking of earlier? I wish it were, but it's not. That's black and sticky. Oh, yes, of course. Brown and sticky.

Is it? Oh, my goodness. Some kind of brown glue. Oh, yeah. Glue that's gone bad. Oh, flytrap stuff. What are you calling? that.

What is it? Fly trap. Oh, flytrap stuff? You know when you hang up a flytrap? That's a tape. And it's that sort of yellow brown color and flies get stuck to it.

I don't know what that stuff's called. I don't either. I think it's glue. It has to be glue. It can only be glue. It's glue in a glue trap for a mouse. Oh, I hope y'all don't use those. No.

Blue traps for the mouse? I hope y'all don't use. size. No. Well, we do get sometimes mice in the Schmeiderberg pretzel factory. Well, if you do, that's fine. But if you do, you better use that whole mice. We don't.

No, I have to tell you, we, we, I just give the mice over to HR and I don't know what he does. Well. Yes. Well, as long as they're being used. A stick. What? A stick. Why did you say that word?

Why did you say a stick to us? That's the answer. to the joke. What joke? What's brown and sticky? How did the stick get sticky? Did you say that word? Buddy junk, I told you.

Did someone use the stick to stir up some maple syrup? No, it's like an adjective. It's like this couch is couchy. No one would ever say that. No, you're, hey, you don't make the rules in HR Giger funny business corner. Do you understand that? Stay out of my funny business. Fine.

What's brown and sticky? A stick. That has been used. That has been covered in glue. No. It doesn't make sense. No one would ever say the stick is sticky. Aye, let go with him.

Oh, no. This joke is terrible. It is an angry making. We have tried to supply you that answers, real answers of things that are brown and sticky. Goo is gooey. Yes, goo is gooey. Thick is sticky. But you don't, look it up on your phones.

I can't. It's all in Japanese. You don't just say something is the thing that they are and add a why on it. You don't, you don't say a car is car e. Exactly. You can. You don't have to. No, she gave the perfect.

I indestructible example. But why then is goo goo-goo-y? Because, sir. Why is a chew-choo-y? What is a chew? Why is do-doy? I did say caramel chew, too, sir. Why is a decimal-douy?

Why is do-doy? Think about it, people. I can't do all the work for you. Wake up, America. Okay? That's fine. Thank you. This whole discussion has been very HR giggery.

I'll give you that. Oh, now you've gone too far. I have gone too far. Look, the two of us, we're roommates lately. It's been a problem. Oh, my goodness. I can tell. Yeah, things are getting too crazy.

We're at each other's struts. Okay, but listen, we are going to say goodbye now for Inside Jemiteberg bread, so much for being here. Thank you for having me. And for being open to accepting the bribes. And thank you, Echakiga, so always.

Yeah, you're welcome, and churl degen. Okay, and churitin. And we'll see you next time. Offita say goodbye. Bonus nanza extravaganza is brought to you by Andy Daly with Matt Gourley. It was mixed and edited by Mark McConville

and executive produced by Andy Daley and Matt Gourley. Thank you.