Bonanas for Bonanza - The Andy Daly Podcast Project Presents Extravaganza Octopod 2, Episode 5: Extravaganza: “Joe Walsh’s Hard Rock Cafe Heist Podcast”

Episode Date: October 3, 2026

Subscribe to The Andy Daly Podcast Project at Patreon.com/AndyDalyRolling Stone Magazine’s 54th best rock guitarist embarks on an audacious plan to reunite with some of the many many guitars he has given away over the years. With crucial assistance from his guests Hot Dog and Ahi, extremely detailed planning gets underway.Featuring: Matt Gourley & Mark McConvilleReleased on Patreon as Extravaganza #31Merch: redbubble.com/people/ADPodProject/shopMail: PO Box 9407 Glendale, CA 91226Andy’s website: andydaly.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, Andy Daly here with another episode of Extravaganza, the comedy podcast grabbag series that Matt Gourley and I have been doing exclusively on my Patreon for the past few years. Well, now I'm releasing a season or octapod of eight of our favorite extravaganzas right here every Saturday. If you enjoy them and you want to hear all the extravaganzas ad-free, we certainly hope you'll consider subscribing at patreon.com slash Andy Daily. With that, I give you the Andy Daily podcast project, Presents Extravaganza Octapod 2, Episode 5, Joe Walsh's Hard Rock Cafe Heist Podcast, featuring Mark McConville and Matt Gourley. Enjoy. My name's Joe Walsh.

I'm Rolling Stone Magazine's 54th best guitar player of all time. I've played rock and roll music all over the world for most of my life. James Gang. Eagles. According to my Wikipedia, I was briefly in a New Zealand band called herbs. Most of my life has been the old cliche, sex, drugs, and rock and roll. And I really liked the drugs part.

I had and still battle with two problems. One of my problems was with drugs and alcohol, and in 1994 I had to get sober. I was out of options. My second problem is that I have a bad habit of giving away guitars. Heard of Lad Zeppelin? Well, I gave Jimmy Page in 1959, Last Paul,

that he played on all of your favorite Ladd Zeppelin songs. He calls that guitar number one. I've given hundreds of guitars to hundreds of rock and roll artists over the years, often in exchange for cash, or premium cocaine, probably. Well, sobriety has given me many gifts, And one of the most powerful of those gifts is an acute clarity about how many guitars I've actually given away over the years. Now, there's still a lot of rock and roll in those guitars, and unfortunately, many of them are being held prisoner in a chain of restaurants known as the Hard Rock Cafe. I'm sober now, and I want them back.

These instruments are made to be played, not to faintly smell like an order of one night in Bangkok's spicy shrimp. This is Joe Walsh's Hard Rock Cafe Heist podcast. Every episode, I assess and plan how to liberate these guitars and other pieces of rock and roll history from their various prisons around the world. Today, we are tackling one location, Hard Rock Cafe, Venice, Italy. My guests today are my good friends, Hot Dog and Ahee. Introduce yourselves, boys. Whoa! What's going on everybody? My name is Hot Doug. I am a legend of water skiing. And that's really the main thing I want to focus on. I really want people to appreciate my water skiing prowess.

And are your other guests of a dear friend of mine from the world of water skiing? Hello, my name is Ahu-humahumunuki Upwa are from the island of Murtanui. Now, I'd like to say that I'm a water skier, but I should also mention I'm the 53rd best. guitar player according to Rolling Stone, and I don't even play guitar. Well, it's a sort of malleable list. I mean, it's hard to just rank them all. But they did, and I'm 53. Congratulations.

Rolling Stone is what it used to be, right? It's not. It's better. It's better now? Oh, yes, it's in its prime. I just heard a movie advertising. They said that Rolling Stone really loved it, and I thought, well, that's all you can tell me? What was the movie?

It was the one about Leonard Bernstein. with what's his name? Bradley Cooper. Yeah. Seems like Rory Stone's the only people that liked it. Yeah. Oh, thanks. I have a question.

Are you going to put this podcast out after the Statute of Limitations because you're essentially premeditating a crime. Well, all I want to do is assess whether or not this location is worth the trouble of a hike. Oh, so it's like IJ Simpson's book, If I Did It. Yeah, this podcast is if I did it. Yeah, this podcast is if I stole it. Oh, gosh.

But I didn't. We haven't done anything. We are at an undisclosed construction site where no one will bother us. We're up on the third floor. There's fellas downstairs working on something. And no one will ever suspect that all these blueprints I have laid out on this plywood table would be for a heist. They're going to think we're trying to put a yogurt land in here. I love it.

But Joe, I'm confused because when you asked me to do this, you said specifically you are committing to, participating in the haste and I said that's great. I did have my lawyer work up some paperwork. I see. And you did sign it. We are everything, all the red tape, all the legalities are handled, but that's only if you decide to go forward. There's no obligation to do it.

Well, let me just say, I did try to do this once. I was with Dalton Wilcox, the Poet Laureate of the West and Mutt Taylor, country music legend. and I believe I gave him a Gibson, that J-45 acoustic guitar, and something I don't normally do. Mostly I give away that. Really? Because he hasn't seen that yet. He'd love to him. Well, they went to Dubai and tried to steal things from the hard rock,

and it went so far south that I thought, I've really got to get my shit together. What I've got to do is sit down, look at the information and assess. Which hard rock cafe should I hit first? Are there some that are more difficult? Are there a lot of them? Oh, yes.

There are a lot. Let's see. How many are there? Is it in the hundreds? I had it here on my document. It's sort of irrelevant because we're just going to... It's in the hundred. Did she say it was locked 260?

I believe it's over 250. I will say some of them are casinos, and I feel like they're going to have security for other reasons. That will be very difficult to defeat. Yes. Which is why I chose this location, Hard Rock Cafe Venice, located at Basino. Orcelio San Marco

1192 Venice, Italy 30124 IT. And if you click on directions and parking on their website, it says coming soon. But if you've ever been to Venice, you know there are no vehicles. They're only boats. Are boats vehicles?

Yeah, watercraft. Water vehicles. There is no way to put this stuff on a truck and drive away. You got to use water. And that's why you're here. But listen, I mean, that's, listen, Listen, listen, listen, me and I here are water skiing legends. That's right.

How perfect is this? The only way you can get up there is on a boat, and the only way that you can water ski is on a boat. It's basically perfect. It's so perfect that the Venice Harbor has a speed limit of five miles an hour. Well, that's not going to work. No, are. Is that for real?

I believe it is. Okay, because water skiing, you need to get up to a speed of about, I believe, 27 miles. Well, this is part of why I brought you here to make sure that this plan is viable. and I do have a couple of exit strategies written down. Okay. Well, let's go over some of the information that we've got here about the Hard Rock Cafe Venice. From their website, it says Venice, the city of canals is stretched along 118 small islands in northern Italy. What?

The new Hard Rock Cafe Venice is located directly. Char, he is a question. How did they make one city out of 18 islands? Is that what you said? 100 and 19. It's 108. A city of Canaanis. How many hard, how many of those islands have its own hard rock kife?

Well, I'll tell you, it's located behind the main tourist attraction of the city and one of the world's most famous squares, St. Mark's Square. Oh, yeah, most famous from Moonraker and Casino Royale. It's also home of the ornately decorated St. Mark's Basilica and Doja's Palace, as well as other museum shops and cafes. Oh, it's right. In the heart of things, it sounds like this. That's right.

They had to go over five miles an hour. those James Bond movies on the canals. No, because there's never any kind of boat chase. There's a slow gondola ride where a guy comes out of a coffin and throws a knife, and then Roger Moore turns his gondola into a little, like, amphibious craft that can drive through St. Mark's Square. Oh, cool. Well, look, this location is filled with Venetian culture. However, in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

They do go above five miles now, and it is exciting, and the brothers of the cruciform sword are in hot pursuit. The brother, what? The brothers of the cruciform sword, and they say, ask yourself why you seek the cup of Christ for His glory or for yours, and I wish every listener to every podcast would ask themselves that before they make a comment. Why do you seek these guitars for His glory or for yours? I gave these guitars to people under false. pretences. I gave them. I gave them away. And then those people gave them to the hard rock cafe, which doesn't make any sense to me. Now that I'm sober, I wish I hadn't given them away,

and I'd like to make amends for what I've done in the past. Okay, isn't I for glory at all? No, have you tried asking for them? Well, no. They have not returned my telephone calls or emails, despite being the 54th greatest guitar player of all time, according to Rolling Stone Man. Maybe they'll take a call from the 53rd. We could try it, but let me just get the Venetian culture in the Hard Rock Cafe Venice. It's at more than 150, no, 1,500 years. Venice is filled with unique culture and history. Hard Rock Cafe is located in a historic building offering 360 square meters of space.

What? And it incorporates an authentic Venetian style with tasteful decor, wide windows with Pamaranic views of the canal and the handmade glass sandalier hanging in the center of the restaurant, and it was made right in Venice at the famous Marano Glass factory. 360 square meters. It's just over a thousand square feet. It's got to be so small. It's not a big location, which is one of the reasons that it's a primo spot.

And when they say tasteful, do they mean tasteful by the standards of a heart rock cafe? I did think it was notable to bring up, and that's why I'd put it in my dough. Oh, okay, good. I'm curious. All right. Ahi. Yes. Hot dog. Oh, my God.

Would you like to know the targets of this heist? Yes. Yes. Oh, you're talking about what guitars are there? These are the things that we need to get out of there. Oh, my God. All right. I'm ready.

A telecaster that used to belong to Bon Jovi. Wow. There's no doubt I gave Richie Sambore a telecaster in 1980s when the cocaine was pure. Oh. But, oh, it belonged to the band Bon Jovi, not. John Bon Jovi. Hard to say. The plaque does not give you a lot of information.

Does it say John or not? It just says Bon Jovi. Then it has to be the bend. Hey, wait. Are the plaques in English or Italian? The plaques are in English. Weird. A red dolphin guitar that belonged to Andy Summers from the police.

Now, I know I gave him that because that's a brand no one's ever heard of. No, I haven't. An Ernie Ball Music Band guitar. Steve Morris played it in the band Deep Purple. Oh, you gave a guitar? Not only that, their name was purple, and I said you got to put a little adjective on there. How about deep? Really?

And they change their name. Wow. Well, there's a sneer drum that belonged to the Beatles, but my brother-in-law's got plenty of those. So that's an optional one. If we have time and opportunity, I'd like to grab that drum. Okay. But I'm mainly focused on the guitars. He'd like to be reunited with that snare drum, I bet you?

That's right. And then the two, this is just the ground floor, by the way. It's two floors. Oh, what? All right. An Ibanez bass guitar, of course, owned by Felix Pappalardi from Mountain, who you all know. And then a black two-piece outfit worn on stage in 1993 in the Gurley Show tour that belonged to Madonna. Now, wait a minute.

Which is on the ground floor? All of those things I just listed are on the ground floor. Everything so far is on the ground floor. And then upstairs, there's three crown jewels. They're all Stratocasters belonging to foreigner, the Rolling Stones, and Stephen Van Zant, Star of Lillehammer. Lillahammer. I haven't seen that show. Is he a great guitarist? I haven't seen that show yet this year.

I watch it every year. Yeah. Clock's ticking. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, uh... So that's nine items, uh, eight, seven of them are guitars. You, I just want to say, ah, here, I know you have a friend who claims to have perfect wig dar.

I'd love for him to weigh in on whether Stephen Van Zan is wearing a wig on the... What do you need to gnar? I mean, if a man wears... a bandana or scarf as much as he or Brett Michaels does. You can guarantee, especially when the locks flowing from said bandena are not human hair-like, but more like fiber optic colored glass cables. Well, I don't think, because I've seen the Sopranos, right, and I don't think that's a wig. It's a wig.

No, I don't think that's a wig. Oh, no. You're being fun. You're being fun. That ain't a wig. All right. Okay, this is a lot of guitars. Joey, is there a wig?

No. Why? Are you wearing a wig? I couldn't wear a wig if I had one. Why not? It's complicated. Can we stay on point? We've got a lot of hard rock cafes to come.

Some hedge won't take a wig. It's complicated. Huh? Oh. Huh? Okay. What's next? Well, next is a thing that you sort of brought up before.

Okay. Now, I've analyzed the day trips from cruise ships at dock in Venice. And the lowest cruise traffic is Tuesdays. So we want to minimize witnesses and keep those. canals as clear as possible. This heist has to go down on a Tuesday. Okay, no problem. Now, you said something about those speed limits.

Well, we're going to have to break a couple of eggs to make this omelet. All right. But I've also looked up when the full moon is. So the canals will be overflowing with water because the tide will be hot. Oh, you thought everything. So this heist has to happen on April 23, 20, 24 when there will be a pink moon or September 17th, 2024 when there'll be a harvest. Oh, no, I'm busy on both.

With those days, I'm going to have to move my schedule around. Well, it might take us a while to get through these. I might have to bump this to 2025. All right. You were talking about omelets. Do they have omelets on the menu at the Hard Rock Cafe? The notable items I've seen are sort of like a Tupelo chicken finger dish. Oh.

And then everything else is a legendary steak or salad or something. And then soccer star Lionel Messi has a menu item in there. And that's weird. You're talking about Pink Moons. Do you have Nick Drake's guitar and? that I never met him or gave him a guitar. He's one of the rare ones. Really?

He escaped your grasp. So here's my plan for the heist of the hard rock. You like Billy Ocean. No. Get out of my dreams and end of my car. Who's the ocean from the movie? See, this is the problem. Cluny Ocean.

Yeah, Clooney Ocean. I've only seen. Oh, Danny Ocean. Oceans 1 through 7. Ocean's 9 and then oceans 14. Oh. I've never seen... 11, 12, 13?

Or 8. Oh, Oceans 8. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's why I'm glad we're not doing a casino because I've seen that scene where that guy has to dance in between the laser beams and I respect it, but I don't think I could do that. He also got to fit in that weird box. Yeah, forget it. I couldn't.

I just couldn't. But that's your job. You have to do that. I do. It won't require that. Okay. Thank God. Because I just don't feel like I could pull it off with that kind of style.

What about like Catherine Zeta Jones in treatment? What about her? She does a dance through lasers as well. Really? Yes, that's a great staple of modern cinema. Wow, okay. Here's the plan. All right.

Through my rock and roll connections, I'm going to hire Eurovision Song Contest winner, Italian band Monoskin, to do a charity concert at the Hard Rock Cafe Venice. Monoskin? Monoskin. And they're going to know they're part of this or they'll be none the wise. Well, I have a charity.

I have a charity called Vets Aid, and I feel like Monoskin is the right choice. because of their Italian heritage. Does the name mean one skin? I don't know what it means. It's M-A-N-E-S-K-I-N, but the A has sort of a weird punctuation over it. These not just main skin? They also covered that song, begging, begging you to put your love in arms and did a hard rock version of it.

You're getting off track. We're going to hire them to do a charity concert at the Hard Rock Cafe. Okay. In their contract. April 23rd. Or September 17th or a date that will work with Ahi in the year 2025 or six. What do you have on those days? I've got a wedding the first day.

Okay, April 17th. On a Tuesday. Yes. Tuesday wedding. Very cheap. And the reception is in September. Oh, we can work around. We'll find another time.

Okay, great. Because I don't know these people very well at all. So it'd be rude for me to cancel. They got to fire their wedding planner, man. because those are both too. I'm their winning Blenner. Oh, you are? Yes, what are you talking about? I need the money. Okay, you all, you did a good job. Oh, my God. I didn't come here to be insulted.

In the contract writer for the concert, man to skin will demand that all rock memorabilia be covered up with black curtains using pipe and drape. Why? What's their logic? They don't want to look at other people. They're they're egotistical. Oh, right. I like this plan. So now all of the memorabilia is covered in black tart. So they're going to say, don't show me Keith Richards' guitar.

I'm better than him. That's right. They can't look at it. It'll intimidate them. Even that guy from Mountain. That's right. Okay. Are you referring to Felix Papal Adardi?

And his Ibanez bass? They don't want to look at that. No, they do not. Wow. Now, a Spanish bass by a Greek player in an Italian location. This is just a lot of a mountain. All covered in snow. Ahie, I've got you upstairs on the three Stratocasters.

You'll be dressed in tech blacks. Okay, technical wear? I love it. Well, more like sound technician. You'll be part of Manuskin's crew, but not really. Okay. While the concert starts, you'll liberate those guitars and head down the back stairway rather than jump out the window.

Those are your two egresses. Are they locked up at all, or do I have to do like a diamond glass cutter? Well, I'll put that on the list of gear that we're going to require. I'll also need a pressure valve suction cup so that the diamond doesn't cut the circle and it falls inward. Wonderful. It's sweet. The guitars are covered up with something. It's curtains.

There's curtains with pipes and sort of bases on the floor. Oh, so you can slip behind it. You can easily slip behind. And you do your work back there. This is perfect. Hot dog. Now I've got you downstairs in Hard Rock Cafe employee here. I'm not great with stairs.

I'm going to need base. on your employment history. I mean, he needs you to apply for a job with Hard Rock Cafe International. What? And then you'll be on the books as an employee. Why are you based that on my employment? Well, you worked at a retail place. How hard can it be to go to a restaurant?

He can't work at a restaurant. Look at his feet. Oh, yeah, that's a good point. That's why I can swim so well. They're basically natural-formed flippers. Yeah. There's no shoe. You have to wear shoes at a job.

I guess that's true, but I've tried waiting tables before. It doesn't go well. Maybe you can be a bus boy. something. Okay. That's what I'll say. Even that, though. So I know you could be the guy that comes around and off as Ruz is for the Lydie. Oh, does he work there? That's

a good idea. You don't even have to get the hard rock cafe involved there. You're a ghost. That would be a lot better. That was B. That was B. That was B. That was B so much better. So I would just come in with a whole bunch of roses and go table and table and say, that's right. Rose for the lady. But in the box that you've got those roses in is a

waterproof backpack guitar case in which you will put a telecaster owned by Bon Jo. Jovia, Red Dolphin guitar, owned by Andy Summers from the police, a Steve Morse, Ernie Ball Music Man guitar, and an Ibanez bass from Felix Pappala Dardy. If you have time, I need you to put on that two-piece black number that Madonna used to own, and if you think you can swing it, hold on to that snare drum. Oh, man, I got to get in shape. I got to lose a lot of weight.

Right, to get into that thing. That's right. Once you've got those items and you're downstairs, Ahee, we head out to the canals and we make our escape. The concert will be so loud in a small hard rock cafe that all eyes will be on the concert. Problem, problem, problem. What if people recognize me as Madonna. You know what I mean?

Like if I'm in Madonna's outfit. Scrap the outfit. Oh, thank God. I'm sure she's got plenty of clothes. To be honest, I wasn't sure I could get him with it on his shape by April. You know what I mean? Problem. Problem.

What if people recognize me as the 53rd best guitar player in the world? Well, you'll be in tech black. But I'll be holding three guitar. Well, they'll think you're the guitar tech. Even though my face looks like the 50th third-grade's guitar. How many times at a concert have you ever looked at the crew? You're always looking at the star, which is why I can't be there. I'll be at a remote location.

Okay. A problem, problem. Where are you going to be? I can't tell you. Why? Wait a minute. I have to. If I told you, it would blow the whole thing up.

Why? Why are we doing all the dirty work? These are your guitars? What have we just abscond with the guitars? Can we agree that you've made it out the front door? Oh, okay. All right. So I have acquired an enormous number of roses that go into a gigantic rose container of some kind that can also accommodate. It sounded like four different guitars. And then... And a sneer drum. And a snare drum. You can leave the snare drum. I think I might. If you have to. That's an additional... There's a little extra for you if you'd make it out with the center. I'll hand it to me. I don't care. I'm not a pussy. Fuck it. Now my pride is on the line.

I got to take that snare drum. If you can't get along, we can't do this highest. Okay. But so you're upstairs. You're doing your thing. I'm downstairs. I put all those guitars in my rose container and a snare drum. And you'll be behind the Duvetine curtain. No one will see you.

Oh, I will be. Okay. All right. Then he makes his way down during the concert. Now, you've not given me a big for my guitar. So I'm ought to take it that I'm supposed to luthier these three guitars into one Frankenstein guitar that you would see someone like, Jimmy Pageport.

I would also say that there will be on site. Maybe someone will leave it there. We have to get you a waterproof case for your backpack as well. It's sort of a two-strap backpack soft case, but it's also waterproof. Right. Did you say, no, did you say Luthier? Luthierre? Did you?

That's when you might get tossed. And repair them. I never heard this word before. That's right. Oh, yeah. Right there in front of the Hard Rock Cafe is our exit strategy. So we're in St. Marks. Not a boat? Why don't we have a boat?

Well, you do. The two of you using your water ski to water ski connections. Here it goes. There's an Italian boat captain with revving the engine right outside, ready to go. Maybe we need two boats. Can you both go behind the same boat? Yes. Well, that's great.

We don't even need the boat technically. We got one boat. It's high tide. The canals are swelling with water. I could be on Ahi's shoulders or Ahi could be on. on my shoulders. We might as well put on a show. That's right. Can we wear original Batman costumes like we're used to at six flags? I don't know. Well, that complicates things. Okay. You get a lot more of attention, I think. Just checking. What I'm asking. Hot dog. I cannot not get attention on water skis, man.

That's right. They're going to be saying that's the 53rd best guitar player water skiing in the Venice Canals. And that's the guy that introduced firearms to water skiing. And I've only remembered the top 53. It stops right there. Can't tell you 54 through 100. People are going to get sites. I'm 54. Oh, you all. Had you get on me. No, you're older than that, man.

I know. You've been in the music game for that long, at least. Come on. I know I can barefoot water ski. Are you a barefoot fella or do you need a ski? I need skis. Well, then we're doing the shoulder thing. Oh, oh, what?

We don't have enough gear. We don't have enough. Well, I've never barefoot skied with another man on my back. I'm going to have to prick this. We can do sort of a trial run outside of the confines of the city limits of Venice. We'll do sort of a practice. We can do that. I can use anything as water skis. You know what I mean? They don't have to be, yeah, I could use the guitar. Could you use a gondoliers pole? Oh, absolutely. Well, there's plenty of those. All right. We'll figure out the ski part, but I was thinking you'd go north on Rio Ocelio and you'd get to Rio de Giacomani and you go left and you go left on Rio de la Fava. What time are we doing this?

Night. We're doing it at night. Okay. Yeah, when no one's around. Because I was going to say, I don't think you can take a left onto Rio de Scalvo from Rio Discafman. Schoacemini. Yes, Scalacomini. What? In business hours, you can't take a left. Well, we may have to pay off some gondoliers to clear the traffic. Whatever. That's fine.

If we're doing it in night, I don't think it would be a problem. Well, you're going to go left on Rio de la Fava, and you do a hairpin right turn, and then immediate left on Rio de Kau Widman, which will spit you into Rio de la Panada, as we all know, that follows you, follow the laguna, the lagoon of Manada, Madonna del Otro ferry line, and we're at the Marco Polo Airport where we can extradite these guitars to anywhere on the planet. Rio Cal de Witwin? There's one Will Street among all these.

Rio decah apostrophe, Widman. Now, that hairpin turn may prove to be, you may lose so much speed with the boat that that's not a viable exit strategy. What do you mean? Why would we lose speed? It's a hairpin turn. The canals of vendors are very narrow.

Okay, all right. We're going to have to think about it. We're going to have to think through maybe there's some way to add extra buoyancy to our water skis. You know what I mean? Well, the second option would be. basically the same route as before, but you can take a right out of Rio de la Panada and head along the Lido, then south to the Adriatic Sea to the Libyan port of Benghazi.

And that route will acquire additional fuel as it's 1,625 miles, as the crow flies. But I've got it. It is absolutely not safe for us to go to Libya. But the officials would be fools to follow us there, which is sort of the perk of. I've got it. Following along your strategy of having extra buoyancy, I'm going to eat a lot of sugar, sweets and drink a lot of alcohol and develop full on diabetes so that my legs and calves will swell up to the point of buoys.

That's a really good idea. You're really going the extra mile. Yes. I feel better about not being able to make it because of my weddings. Oh, I'm thinking of maybe I would have inflatable water skis. Oh, right? I'll do that. Okay.

Great. Well, the third option, of course, is... I'm sorry, we just need to build in a little bit of time to inflate the water skis. Right. So they're going to be... I mean, this is... I can't believe I just invented inflatable water skis. But you can, we'll have them in our pockets.

They can be real small. But then when it's time to go, we just got to inflate four water screens between the two of us. I think we should each do too. Yes. Well, that'll add a little time. But the, I mean, the Mannyskin will play forever. Monoskin, whatever they're called. They're going to play a long time.

So you've got time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that way the boat can dip under 27 miles per hour, no problem. And I'm going to want to see at least three quarters of that set because I'm a big. fan, so we can't do any of this to like later. Maybe at the encore, when everybody's concentrated on the empty stage and throwing all of their applause and energy towards the hope and dream that Monoskin will come back and do one of their Italian hits, which won't leave us much time, so we've got to still blow up those waterskies

pretty fast. I mean, a band like Monoskin can take, like, how long before they come out for an encore, probably like 20, 25 minutes of people just screaming their heads off where they come out. We won't get an opportunity to do a practice. this run. We're going to have to really be sharp on the night. Okay. And if you sense that it's ending, you got to get out of there. Okay. How come nobody in this country cares about Eurovision? You know what I mean? It's really big over there. Oh, no. They had seen the name. Yeah. Oh. Well, I've got a third exit route, which is heading

north on Rio Orcelio. And then, of course, you go to Rio de Scacomini again. But then you turn right on Rio de la Fava and you go to Rio de Palazzo, De Cana Canal, which spits us right in the Grand Canal and then that's a short trip to Venice Roeport MOS which will require a shipping container and passage to any of the ports around the world. I'm thinking Long Beach or Oakland. None of this gets us to Lago de Koma where George Clooney lives and they shot Casino Royale and attack of the clones. Well I also know that... And one of the

Oceans movies? That, well, I didn't include that in my plans, but I did include this, which is we just emulate the 2003 remake of the Italian job heist, but with guitars. build a distraction that gets everyone out of the building, use explosives to blow holes in the floor, let the guitars drop into the water below, and then scuba crews move all of the loot one way while a distraction out in the canals

takes the authorities the other way, and then we meet in the Alps and Ed Norton shoots Donald Sutherland in the gut. It's a spoiler. Oh. It happens in the first 15 minutes of a movie that came out 20 years ago. What were they stealing in that movie, Mini Coopers?

Gold or some show. Yeah, they were using MiniCupers. to steal gold. That's later. Oh, because I was going to say, how do you scuba steal a car? Hard to do. The other option, of course,

would be that we just have monoskin bring a bunch of extra guitar cases. Oh. That are empty. We put the guitars in those cases and then monoskin just walks out of there. That'll never work. Great.

So we'll probably do the one where we end up in Libya. Wait, do we have to take all of these exit routes? I'm giving us option. Oh. If you think you can water ski the canals and get us to the airport, that's fine. That'll work. Anybody afraid of flying?

Okay, so that's out. I'm not afraid of flying. What is it then? I don't like the idea of an airport named after Marco Polo. I'm not afraid of flying, but I'm not allowed to fly. Well, that puts something on it, doesn't it? Okay, so then I guess we're going to either do the shipping container, the monoskin, or the Libya. I like the idea of going to Benga.

Where can a water ski boat go on one tank of fuel? Oh, any amount of time. It's right. 1600 miles, you think? Absolutely. We can go the length of Italy and then across the Mediterranean to Libya. Absolutely. And if it's a problem, you can get to, you can have a refuel on the fly.

We can put extra gas tanks in there. No problem at all. Yeah. Well, it seems like that's our viable exit strategy and that the heist will go down without a hitch. Am I missing anything? Well, it's just that the only disguise I've ever had fitted for me is an exact replica of MoMAQadhafi from Libya. Do you think that'll cause any problems?

I think it'll be fine. Why are you wearing a disguise? Because I don't want anyone to know it's me. I'm the 53rd greatest guitar player. I'll be mobbed. That's true. Well, the only way that I could be there is through massive facial reconstruction surgery, as I'm pretty well known in the hard rock community.

Are you big in Benghazi? Are you big in Libya? I'm big everywhere I've ever been, I think. I mean, most of my rock and roll career was under the haze of drugs and alcohol. Have you ever considered having facial reconstructive surgery just because? I had it and then I had it reversed. Oh, no. It was that bad.

And then some. I looked like Mac tonight. What? On a good day. The McDonald's Half Moon fellow that played the band. I had a chin that would go from here to Tim Buck, too. His day was Mac tonight? That's right.

Oh. Yeah. I'm just him. Yeah. He was great. Yes. What happened to that guy? He died.

He did. Yeah, Mac, he was shot by his girlfriend. Oh, really? Yeah, by his girlfriend. Oh, his girlfriend shot. It's one of those stories? He was cheating around on her. Oh, course.

He was caught him and shot him right in the, um, waning gibbis. Right in his waning gibbis. Yeah, I'm not surprised to hear that. Right in a sea of tranquility. Oh, okay. How ironic. Well, if that's all, I think for our crew, we're going to need me, the mastermind. And you are going to be where are you doing?

Yeah, what are you doing? I cannot tell you where I'll be, or it'll blow the, or it'll blow the whole thing. I'm not necessarily going to sign on for this unless I know all the details. We're going to need Ahee, our water skier and extraction expert. We're going to need hot dogs, same title. Are you monitoring the situation in some way? We're going to need Monski in a charity band. We're going to need three Italian speedboat captains familiar with the canal system and probably with navigation to get across the Adriatic Sea to Libya, Flavio Giovanni and Jekima. And they can take shifts.

You know, some can sleep under the, under the boat, below deck or whatever it is. Huh. And for gear, we're going to need waterproof backpack cases, a false contract rider for Monoskin requiring all rock memorabilia to be covered with elaborate pipe and drape curtains. Might as well be a real contract. The actual pipe and drape. $100,000 euro in cash for bribes. A hard rock cafe employee uniform that will fit hot dog. A monoskin rodee wardrobe for Ahi.

a rose container that turns into the waterproof backpack case, a diamond cutter, the suction thing, and inflatable water skis. I think that's all we need, and I could easily get that. Even, I mean, it's more technical than just the suction thing,

because it could mean a lot of things like that's the thing they're sticking your mouth at the dentist. It has to be a pressure valve sensitive suction bulb. We can get it. Okay. Really? You're so sure about that? I'm fairly confident.

Problem. Problem, problem. Troublem, trouble. Have you trouble? There's a problem. There's trouble. Have you seen that movie where Willem Defoe gets stuck in an apartment he's trying to rob? I guess nobody has.

But I did. Was he cold? Who knows? You've never covered that one or not? He loves movies? No. It's a pretty new movie. Willem Defoe gets dropped into a penthouse apartment.

He's supposed to rob it. But the alarm system goes off because something was wrong in the planning. And the guy who lives in the apartment is away for a long time. He is trapped in this penhouse apartment for like three months or more. And he, because somehow he didn't bring a phone in with him. Anyway, I don't know.

Why, Conti just got the front door because the alarm will trip us. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. And so he's stuck in there for three months. Let it go off and then just run. Yeah.

Cameras? So you do bring up, I probably need to hire a tech specialist to. Oh, I got that covered. Okay, but never mind. This is what I'm coming. concerned about what if they have some procedure of lockdown

and we're stuck in the hard rock cafe for three months? Well, there'll be plenty of good food to eat. I guess so, but wouldn't we get tired of it? You know what I mean? It is not that huge. It's no cheesecake factory. The menu is pretty limited. Oh, lock me in the cheesecake factory for three

months, baby. That would be great. You wouldn't even be able to eat everything if you had three square meals a day. That menu's so thick. Yeah, but they're always cranking out new cheesecakes at the cheesecake factory. Well, look, I think- For all the cheesecake factory. Yeah.

Well, I've considered it. Okay. We, I do think that the Venice, Italy location located at Basino or Celio, San Marco, 119 to Venice, Italy, 30124 Italy. Your accent is flawless. Is a viable candidate for a heist? That's the cheesecake factory. And also.

Is that where the cheesecake factory is? No, that's a hard rock cafe there in Venice, right behind St. Mark's. And I do think Italy does have an extradition agreement with the U.S. So we will want to get to international waters or Libya as fast as possible. Okay. That sounds great. And we could be happy in Libya probably living out the rest of our days there. Off at great things.

I have heard literally nothing. I don't know one thing about Libya. You'd make a big change in your life. Yeah. Why not? Uh-oh. I'm ready. What happened?

Someone's fine. I hope it's not the cops. Someone's fine. He's going on. Oh, you know who this is? This is Jim Ursay calling. I'm going to be performing with his band and his collection of rock and roll collectibles. Who's Jim Ursay?

Oh, Jim Ursay? You don't know. He's the owner of the Indianapolis Colts and he owns probably the largest private collection of instruments on the planet. What? And then he hires rock and roll memory people to come and do concerts with old instruments that have a lot of rock and roll left in. What are you talking about? He owns lots of... He owns a professional football team, which is basically a license.

to print money. Why doesn't he just buy your guitars back for you if you're friends? Thanks for joining us today. It's more complicated than that I-hee, and that's all I'm going to say about it. Okay. But I will be performing at the Los Angeles Shrine Auditorium, January 11th with the Jim Mersey Collection Band, where Kenny Wayne Shepard will play Pink Floyd's The Moon on David Gilmore's Black Stratocaster.

The whole moon, whatever that song. is that he's dark side of the moon maybe this makes tonight again buddy guy I'll be there he'll be playing old stratocasters that dead guys used to own buddy guy is still he's not a dead guy I don't think he is enemy woman

enemy woman is their well their drummers got cirrhosis and so I've been working with him on his sobriety maybe they'll be good to go by then he'll be fine do you have anything to plug you got any shifts at the sunglasses hut you want people to know about

man I had to get some to cover my shift to be here for this today. That is so expensive, you guys. My private benefactor will make it worth your while if we're able to pull off the highest. Well, I've got a bit of a plug. The 2024 Rolling Stone guitar rankings just came out, and I've been moved up to 52. Whoa! Yeah about that.

That's amazing. What happened? How? What do you mean? How did you move up? Well, they reassess it every year. They do? They factor in that last year's.

earnings and work. But you don't play guitar at all? No, but the other ones just got worse, so my stock got bitter. Okay, yes. Everyone behind you got worse? Everyone, no, one person in front of me got worse. Who was that?

Joe Satriani. Oh, yeah. He's 53? Yes. He's older than that, guys. Joe Satriani. Well, that's all the time we have. You've been bumped down to 87. For this episode of Joe Walsh, Hard Rock Cafe Heist. I hope you'll join us again when we cover another location and another bunch of guitars

that used to belong to me, but now are locked in a prison, a food prison. Oh, that sounds not bad. A food prison? Those guitars were meant to be played and not stared at while you stuff your face with a goddamn steak. Okay. Hey, when does this episode come out? January something.

Early January. January 6th? Something like that. Well, no. I'm just thinking the last day of the 12 days of Christmas, nothing else. Well, in that case, I have nothing to plug. What if it came out a different time?

Well, if it came out before Christmas, I tell people to come down and see me at Huntington Beach and a Santa hat, but it's not coming out before Christmas. Well, could you do it and put it out in light April when we can plug the highest? I thought you wanted, I thought you were doing a wedding. Well, that's if I'll get it moved.

Can we use this podcast episode to plug the actual heist so people can come and watch it? We don't want people to watch. We don't want witnesses. I'm confused. I'm confused too. This is a nonviolent heist. And if we have to start murdering witnesses, that complicates things to a level that I'm not willing to go to. It's not an immersive theater performance heist.

Well, that's a different location and I've got that planned out. Oh, is it what you doing doing all this? No, I cannot tell you where I will be. or what I will be doing during the highest. Okay. I'm confused. I am going to have to price those suction. What are they called again?

Pressure valve suction bolts. I'll have to figure out where I can get those. That's what I'll be doing right up until the highest. But I guarantee you'll have it. Okay, but don't get like the house brand, like Costco brand or... Kirkland? No, Kirkland, please. What brands are we looking for?

Nike. Oh, yeah, that's the good shit. All right. I'm going to go. invent inflatable water skis and get a patent on them and I'm going to call them any speed water skis.

Hot dog, you got a lot of work to do and I appreciate you putting in the time. I'm going to go and learn guitar because I figure if I can even play one song, that'll get me up into the 30s. Yeah. For Joe Walsh's Hard Rock Cafe Highest podcast, this is Joe Walsh. Goodbye.

Bonus Nanza extravaganza is brought to you by Andy Daley with Matt Goreley. It was mixed and edited by Mark McConnell and executive produced by Andy Galey and Matt Goreley.