Boonta Vista - EPISODE 204: Seshdog In Seattle (Feat. Brandy Jensen)

Episode Date: June 15, 2021

Andrew and Ben are joined by writer Brandy Jensen as we reach deep, deep into our newly enlarged mailbag and answer a swathe of relatively normalish relationship questions about drugs, vampires, and noise bands. *** Support our show and get exclusive bonus episodes by subscribing on Patreon: www.patreon.com/BoontaVista *** Email the show at [e-mail]! Call in and leave us a question or a message on 1800-317-515 to be answered on the show! *** Twitter: twitter.com/boontavista Website: boontavista.com Merchandise: shop.boontavista.com/ Twitch: twitch.tv/boontavista

Hello and welcome to Budavista, episode 204. I'm Ben and I'm here experiencing all of the beautiful sights and sounds of Bourbon Street, 9.30pm on a Tuesday night. Drinking something that meets the technical definition of cocktail, but is spiritually more of a chemical weapon. Served in a volume that is coincidentally how much water you're recommended to keep handy in case there's an emergency. With me, ultimately vomiting into the gutter and cheering, it's Andrew. Hey, Andrew. Hey, having a great time, buddy.

Spring break! Woo! Woo! I don't understand the significance of the beads, but I'm loving. I think beads are just fun. Is the consensus, simple, simple, simple, simple, simple, simple, simple, simple, simple, simple, simple, simple, simple, simple, simple, simple, simple, simple, simple. I the simple. I the simple. I the simple. I the simple. I the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I'm thi. I'm thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to, to, to to, th. to to to thi. to to to to to to to to to to too to too too too too too too too too too too too too too too. It, too, think beads are just fun is the consensus as far as I understand it. Simple, simple fun. Everybody loves shiny things. They're captivating. We love a bauble. Also with us, playing the most beautiful jazz you've ever heard in your entire life to a room full of hammered people, his

favorite genre of music is upmarket automobile ad. It's writer Brandy Jensen. Hello Brandy, how you doing? Hi, thrilled to be here. It was not read in on any part of this introductory bit, so I'm loving every moment of it. We have literally no idea why we do this, but we've been doing it for hundreds of episodes now, so why stop? It's tradition here to begin every episode with a complete non sequitur introduction that. to. to. to. to. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, ition here to begin every episode with a complete non sequitur introduction that will not be returned to at any point unless it is, in which case you know you just got to be on your toes. Yeah. Fantastic.

You make the occasional half-hearted attempt to sort of at the end of the episode, remind us of where we started. But it's really not mandatory or even appreciate it I would say. My goodness. So Brandy, this week you will be playing the role of Dr. Lucy that is normally played by Lucy. She is not here as she has once again found herself on a plane which is pretty much the most typical thing that Lucy could be doing, really. Part of the reason that we thought that we would draft you in for this is because you may have read Brandy's writing in

Gorker, Jezebel Defector, broadly, the cut, the outline, lots of places but I have recently been reading your columns in Jezebel that Ask a Fuck Up. Are they mainly in Jezebel? That's me. They were mainly at Jezebel. They're going to be hosted at New Gawker once that site is up and running, because I'm working there now. And how did you wind up kind of getting drafted into the advice columnist game?

Was it your suggestion or somebody else's? It started as a truly embarrassing number of important things in my life have as a joke on Twitter. I tweeted, I literally tweeted, that I thought it would be funny if somebody gave me an advice column, sort of based on the premise that I like constantly fuck up my own life and make terrible decisions and maybe somebody else can learn from my

mistakes and my boss at the time was like that's great we're gonna do that so that's that's how it happened yeah they come again yeah I mean it's you know everybody does that thing where something starts as a bit and then it just becomes a very meaningful part of your life. This is a common occurrence, I think. So that's where the column started and yeah, I've been doing it for a couple years now. And turns out I really like it. I like advice giving. I think it's a very nice thing that we sort of do for each other.

I think it's a nice way that we can treat each other's problems as important and you know, sort of pay attention to other people. And so, yeah, there's a lot about it that I like and then I also occasionally get some really funny letters where people don't realize that they're actually the enormous asshole and that's always fun to point out. We do sometimes in this segment we take we take like posts from Reddit relationships, the Reddit Relationship Subreddit, although with the enormous grain of salt that we all approach those with, which is this is probably not real. They're all fake.

They're all fake. And yet, they still do something important for us, I think. Something, something captivating. They allowed you to explore your own personality even if it's not real. Precisely. Like wrestling. And we also look at the, am I the asshole posts sometimes. And I think the thing that we always sort of say is the commonality between those is that

women write posts where they say, oh this this man with a bloodstained apartment has like it's a whole whole lot of lists about how like they're concerned that they may have done the wrong thing and offended somebody and all of the posts by men are just like a list of 40 red flags followed by the question, tell me why I am correct. Yeah, that turns about right. Seem to frequently fall into those camps. So since we're going to do the Dr. Lucy advice segments with special letters for Brandy, we might as well play the Dr. Lucy theme. You call one, eight, hundred, three, one, seven, five, five, five, now your page and I couldn't say.

Hmm. That's fantastic. I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous. I want a theme song now. I want a theme song now. Well, look, if you come back often enough a theme will be produced. We tried to we tried to count recently how many stingers we have

small insignificant segments. I keep forgetting they exist every day that I'll be like, oh that's right six months ago we're doing it completely and there's a theme for it. Just keep adding them. We can talk about more stuff that way. It's great. So we asked our beautiful listeners. You can release a compilation album at some point. That's honestly not a terrible idea. Someone uploaded a one hour version of I believe that theme song to YouTube the other day. Oh no, that was the that was the hotline theme that they just looped for an hour. So since we are the listener are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are. I are. I are. I are. I are. I are. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. That the. Oh. That was. That was. That was. That was. That was. That was. That was. That was. That was. That was. That was. the. the. That was. That was. the. the. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the was the the hotline theme that they just looped for an hour so since we are getting listener questions that may we also have to play the mailbag theme no as much as people as much as people enjoy it it's great it's really really good you're really fucking out did yourself so now

speaking of themes and people writing in we have discovered discovered recently an issue that we did not know we had, which is that Gmail had been aggressively spam filtering most of the letters from our listeners into a hole and then burning them after 30 days. So That that included me finding recently that somebody had actually sent in a theme that they had made for a segment that I never saw because it went straight into the spam and then eventually got deleted, but we found them all in a webmail archive somewhere. Somebody sent in a theme that they had made for the shipping report, which is a segment in which we read shipping news and don't make any jokes. No jokes. That is a completely joke-free segment. Well, this is a serious business. I mean, you've got to, I'm here for shipping news and shipping news only.

So I never heard that theme and then went on to make one, which now thinking about it would have just made that person feel like I heard their thing and then went no good and made a different one. So to that, this, this, this, this, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thi, thi, thi, that, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th is th is th is th is thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi's thi's theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiii's thi's thi, thi, thi, thi, have just made that person feel like I heard their thing and then went no good and made a different one. So to that person I would like to say, sorry, I heard it many months later. I thought this was going to be the start of a plagiarism defense. And I never heard it, but then when I listened to it coincidentally, we'd written the same song. But I did also ask several weeks ago for people to write in with their questions for advice from Brandy. And after a week I was like, man,

nobody wants advice. It's like two letters. But then we found out about the about the issue, we found a hidden trove of stuff and I went, oh people do want advice from brand. What? How, how was your spam filter so thorough or were people writing in like advice about my about enlarging my penis, please? There was a lot of that. Which type of penis pills should I take and then they just list them all off? No, I don't know. It just seemed like basically at some point Gmail just decided anything that someone was like coming to us from someone for the first time. It was like, no, that's probably spam. You don't need that. You know. But by digging around, we did in fact find the many letters that people wrote in asking for your advice. So, here's the first one. Dear Dr. Brandy, how can I be happy

for others without judging myself? As a man in his early 30s, I feel like I have a pretty good life. I'm married, I don't have any debt, I work a good union job for the Postal Service and I'm lucky enough to own a home in the more affordable part of town. The problem is that I feel stagnant and unambitious, which causes feelings of jealousy, toe, toe, their, the thiiii, thi, thi, thi, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, and I, I, and I, and I, I, and I, and I, and I, and I'm, and I'm, and I'm, and I'm, and, and I'm, and, and, and I'm, and, I'm, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, is, is, is, is, is, is thi, is, is, is thi, is, is, is a thi, is a thi, is a thi, is a thi, is a thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thri, thri.a.a.a.a. thea. thr. thr-a. thr-a. thr-a. thr-a, thr-a, unambitious, which causes feelings of jealousy towards my peers. I dropped out of college years ago, and ever since then I've seen many friends and people online graduate and start their own projects. I know I should be happy for them. I know they are going off to make the world a better place. The trouble is I can't help but see their ambition and success as anything but an indictment of my tedious job and thi the their their and comfortable home life. I realize this is massive first world problem areas, but I can't get out of my own head about this. How can I be more grateful for what I have

and not feel like a waste of potential? How can I achieve more in my own life without feeling like I need to compete with others? Thanks in advance for reading, sincerely, pouting postman. Beautiful. Okay, I mean, so I feel like part of this, or most of this question really has like nothing to do with other people and what they're doing in their lives. It has everything to do with sort of the lie that this person clearly believes about what it means to have a successful life. And you know, they very obviously have what used to be all of the markers of doing quite well in life.

You know, you own a home, you have a stable job, you're in a good relationship, like that kind of used to be enough. And somewhere along the way, we sort of switched that focus to, you know, if you, you know, if you, thi, th th th the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their their, their, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to, to to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their along the way, we sort of switch that focus to, you know, if you're comfortable, if you're content, you've somehow like given up. You need to always be striving for something more than what you have. And I think that that is really just like, has contributed to vast amounts of human misery.

The idea that, you know, you are only ever... like has contributed to vast amounts of human misery. The idea that, you know, you are only ever, that we're sort of like sharks and we have to like be constantly moving in life, otherwise we're somehow stagnant or we've capitulated. And I would suggest to this person that they're friends who now have probably massive amounts of student loan debt and are, you know, can't decide what city they can live in because they can only go to, you know, ones where maybe there are potentially, you know, not very

well-paying and very precarious jobs in their industry, that I think a lot of those people would look at this guy's life and think like, fuck, that sounds amazing. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, a lot of, a lot of advice column letters tend to be something along the lines of like, how do I not feel the way I feel and I'm not sure that there's really like one weird trick to just like no longer feeling the way that you feel I can't you know I can't really say like just just do this and you'll start to be more grateful but I

think I would I would encourage this person to interrogate why it is they think that all of all th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th all th the th all th th all th th th all th th the the the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the theee theeeeeeeee theeee theeee theee the the the the the the would encourage this person to interrogate why it is they think that all of these things that they clearly understand are like contributing to their sort of safety in the world, their ease is not, you know, that they're not sort of racked with with financial anxiety about, to maybe interrogate like why that, why that they're not sort of racked with financial anxiety about, to maybe interrogate like why that doesn't feel like enough. Who's telling you that that is like not good enough? Yeah, I feel like I kind of have a, like my own situation in life is a sort of inversion of this in that, um, I'm in my late 30s, I'm

married, got a couple of kids, stable job, own home, all these sort of similar things. And the thing that I've kind of felt myself going through over the last, I don't know, five years, is it's kind of the opposite of this in the sense that I am just happy in my life, I'm happy and I'm comfortable and all that kind of thing. But I tend to feel this sort of occasional mental pressure of like, should I feel bad for not wanting to do more or push myself in some way or be stretching to do other things, you know, all that kind of stuff. And so I guess I sort of, I don't find myself looking at other people and going, ah, I'm

jealous of what you have or I wish I had that or whatever. I think, yeah, just for maybe, maybe the person that I was 20 years ago, I would have thought, ooh, I want to, you know, move around the world and live in different places and do this and do that, like, you know, I want to, I want to, you know, be a, be a name in my industry and that sort of stuff, and now don't care about any of that stuff at all. And yeah that that part of my life is sort of gone by and I'm just fine and happy where I am and there is that occasional part of my mind that goes like oh are you supposed to do that or are you meant to be doing the oh I'm like a shark and I've got to keep swimming and I wonder if for this person maybe what they're feeling in terms of feeling stagnant and unambitious is similar similar to myself I think one of the things that I sort of struggle with is

when you are very comfortable and happy and safe in your own life it's easy to feel like you're kind of not developing or you're not learning anything new so I wonder if maybe one of the things to look at is just is the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thin thi thi thi thi thi thi thin thi to thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th learning anything new. So I wonder if maybe one of the things to look at is just is there anything that you could get into in terms of like you know hobbies or learning about anything in particular that you feel would be giving you some sort of personal growth but in a way that you don't feel like you have to measure it against other people. Yeah I mean mean, I think there's also, I think it's also pretty natural to hit like, you know, you know, your mid-30s and start to think like, what if I had done things very differently, you know,

what might my life look like now? You kind of like get through the, you know, the tumultu. the tumultu- t. You kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind th, like th, like th, like th, like th, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, like, like, like, like, like, the, the tumult of your 20s, or at least for me it was a very tumultuous time, and you start to get like a little bit more settled into like who you are as a person and it's starting to get like a little late to make any real deep down changes about who you are. Like by the time you're in your mid-30s, you're kind of locked into that, you know, you can, there's some, you're pretty, you're pretty well set in terms of like who you are. And that's, that's both like a gift and can, I think, provoke a lot of anxieties about like, well, if this is who I am, what if I don't like how I got here? What if I like wish that I had done different things and been somebody different? And so I think it's like, it's a pretty common reaction to get to a certain, to a point of comfort in your life where you're not, you know,

you're not constantly sort of battered about by all of these financial vagaries and career changes. And you've, like, you've actually got a little bit of space to look around and say, like, is this really everything I wanted in life? And I don't know that too many people look around and think like, yes, this is exactly what I expected and exactly what I want it, you know. So I think it's pretty natural. I would, you know, I would be a little bit the, the reaction of, you know, of begrudging others, their lives. I think that's something that you would want to try to keep and check as much as possible, because that ends up being a kind of corrosive force on people. If you lose the capacity to like

feel genuine joy for others when good things happen to them, I think that that's like something that raises some alarm bells and you want to try to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their the. the. try. try. te. te. try. te. te. the. the. their. their. their. their. their. their. happen to them. I think that that's like something that you that raises some alarm bells and you want to try to get get a hold on that as much as possible. Because I don't think that like, you know, giving into those sorts of feelings like only makes people miserable. Yeah, pretty much. And I suppose as well if you are talking about like getting into your 30s and being, and being where you are, I guess, relatively locked in to what you're doing, you know, if you're married and you own a home and that sort of stuff, like yeah, technically you could say, you know what, I want to be single and go to a betha. You could do that, but boy are you like pulling the plug on your life as you know it you know

yeah you would it would have to be a very very large and very very dramatic change but you can you can do that and you know I think that there's there's a reason why the that particular figure like the man who like abandons his family to go be a DJ somewhere or something is like sort of seen as a bit of a clown, right? Yeah, yeah. Like, okay, you could, sure you could do that. Like, I don't know how many people there are out there who have done that and been like best decision I ever made and I've never been happier and more fulfilled all that kind of stuff. But like, like, that, like, that, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, sort, sort, sort, sort that, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort that, sort that, sort of, sort of, like, sort of, sort that, sort that, sort th, sort, sort th, sort th, sort th, is, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, th, th, like, th, like, like, best decision I ever made and I've never been happier and more fulfilled, all that kind of stuff. But like, yeah, I just, I've really found over the years that the

things that I value and care about have changed so much, especially to the extent that they aren't all about me. You know, I think it's very obviously it's very natural when you're in your early 20s or whatever for your entire focus to be on yourself and your future and who you want to be and everything. But now I find myself almost thinking about like a person's impact on the world as as being positive almost like the the absence of a's impact on the world as as being positive almost like the the absence of a negative impact on other people around you is a positive thing Like not not just in that way of like, oh, I want to be fucking Elon Musk. I want to be changing the world and taking everyone to Mars and all that kind of thing. I just kind of look at my own life now and think, you know, I, well, like, we're raising two kids who are really nice and, you know, empathetic little people

who care about other people's feelings and I think they're going to be nice members of society. And generally speaking, you know, we get along well with our like neighbors and colleagues and all that sort of stuff. My wife started doing a job recently that's like a very sort of making a positive impact in the community kind of thing and yeah I think you don't you don't have to be doing earth-shaking stuff to just be making a positive impact in the world that you live in. Well listen people need their mail. This man is, this man is bringing people wedding invitations and birth announcements and birthday cards from far away loved ones.

And that's, you know, that's not nothing. There are far worse jobs out there. Keeping society running, grease and those wheels. Yeah. And, you know, a lot of people who sort of set out to change the world the world the world the world the world the world to the world the world to the world the world the world to the world the world to th th th wheels. Yeah. You know a lot of people who sort of set out to change the world in their 20s just end up working for like, you know, big law firms or the hedge funds. Like they, there's, there are a lot worse things you could be doing than, you know, making sure that people get their mail on time. Very true. All right changing gears slightly. Howdy I am a soon-to-be father and I'm a big fan of silicebin mushrooms.

How can... Great, love this already. See where this is going. How can I responsibly share the joy of psychedelics with my offspring? With love from a Texan mushroom fairy, PS, no I'm not going to make the baby trip, you permits. This is an odd question. Yep. And it's a... You wait 15 years and be like, hey, hey, I feel like... But then also, I kind of feel like, I don't know, if th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. to-a. to-a. to-a. to-a. to-a. to-a. to-a. to-a. to-a. to-a. to-a. th. th. th. th. to wait 15 years and be like, hey, dude. Wait a while. But then also, I kind of feel like, I don't know, if my dad was really into mushrooms,

I'd be like, ugh, no, I'm not doing mushrooms. Like, that's, you know, shit that my lame-ass dad is into. I don't, I don't know that parents can like necessarily make their kids think that what they're into is cool. I to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, to, to, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, they, to they, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their, to their kids think that what they're into is cool. I think that's always going to be... You can't make it kids like Black Sabbath on purpose. They're going to have to find that for themselves. Like you could you could end up having you know a college Republican kid if you push too hard on the like do mushroom son you know you can have them rebel in a really bad way. So I feel like you really, you got to play it cool with this sort of stuff and just, you know, see what kind of person you

end up having as a child. Maybe they might be somebody who would be into mushrooms, maybe not, but you got to, you got to let them like, I think, be their own person. Unless, of course, the question is also how do I go about doing psychedelics with my kids, in which case my answer to that is, don't do that. No. Like, you don't want to be like the third historical baby in a microwave, you know. Because you're just adding, you know, you're giving the Republicans arguments then, don't do it, do not, go out of town, rent a hotel room somewhere. See, this, my issue with this is it gives me the vibes of, right?

Um, I, I, I, in my relationship with my parents, I was never like drunk in the same time as my parents until I was like an adult, you know, other, other, that than say, the, to, to, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to the the to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to to to to, to, to, to, to, to, to to too, to to to to to to to to to to to the same place at the same time as my parents until I was like an adult, you know, other than say being picked up from a party or something as a team and being drunk or something like that. I know other people whose families are very kind of like, you know, every Christmas we're all just drinking all day together kind of thing, and that's a very foreign experience to me. Sharing a like Carton of Cooper's with your 13 year old son because it's it's Christmas maybe! Like, and obviously in a lot of cases that would not be reflective of the healthiest family dynamics and all that kind of thing. But, um, but for me, that was never like a normal thing, right?

And everybody that I ever knew whose parents either supplied them with weed or said, hey, it's fine for you to smoke weed here at our house, 14-year-olds or whatever might be, they generally did not have what I would describe as a positive homelife situation going on. And I don't say that to be judgmental. I mean, yeah, when I was a teenager there was always like, you know, that one kid who had like the cool parents, and at the time you were incredibly jealous and then you sort of grow up and think back and think like, ooh, no, you should have had some rules. Like, that was not, that was not a good dynamic.

But I think probably what's sort of embedded in this question is a fear that becoming a parent is going to fundamentally change you, that you're not going to be able to be like the fun guy who loves mushrooms anymore. And I think like, that might be true for a that. that. that that that that that that that that thue thue thue thue thue thue thue thue thue thu thu that that that thu that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi that that that that that that that thi that thi thi that that that that that that that that that that that not going to be able to be like the fun guy who loves mushrooms anymore and I think like that might be true for a while you might have to really abandon your you know very loving nurturing relationship with Silas I can't even say it with mushrooms for a while because you have a kid now and that's just you know I'm not I'm not a parent but I think the idea that having a child is not going to influence you know pretty much every area of your life is kind of like it's going to and it's going to be fine that's okay.

And everyone I've ever known who had a baby and then confidently announced and it's not going to change how we live in our lives. You know that like the people we knew who would always like bring the little babies to the pub and to gigs and to every other place. And like, yeah, having having had two babies, in my experience. And like, yeah, having had two babies, in my experience it was like, yes, you can do that. And it just seems like swimming upstream. It's really are just making things harder for yourself

than they need to be. And like, you know, it's not the same as mushrooms, but I, like all through my 20s, I would smoke an unbearable amount of weed. And when we were going to have a baby, I went, all right, I got to knock that shit off for a while, because I probably need to have my wits about me occasionally if we're going to have a newborn in the house. And I just, I like stopped cold, you know, like six months before we had a baby or whatever.

And when I'm just gonna, I'm gonna put that to the side or at least right into the background of my life, even though it's something that I've always enjoyed and has been quite a prominent part of my life all through my 20s and everything. Because yeah, your priorities change. I don't know. You don't want to be the guy talking to paramedics who's forgetting how many children you have. Like, uh, yeah, there's three, two, no, fuck. Yeah, you don't want to be like, I can't, I can't drive to the hospital right now. Asking you a six-year-old if they can handle it. Here are the keys, it's pretty easy, two pedals. I do think though, that like, and this is, I don't know if this is more of an Australian thing,

like I was saying before about families drinking together and stuff like that. It's very European to be like giving a 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11. A glass of wine. They love this. They do. Yeah, well look and look how they turn out. I mean. Yeah, I don't know how much of the question is also around like how do I normalize an acceptance of psychedelics and you know things like mushrooms and acid and stuff like that with my kids because if you just never have any of those conversations with them and leave it to say I don't know school to talk to them about it then they'll they'll if you're in Australia you'll get told, beer is fine and

everything else is the devil's business. But yeah, like you were saying, Brandy, I don't know, I don't know how far one can go with normalizing or trying to build acceptance of a thing without also seeing like you're kind of very actively promoting it. Yeah, this feels like a bridge to be crossed like 15 years from now. And really, like, who knows what the world is going to look like at that point? What your, you know, what your kid thinks about mushrooms or whether he can do them with you as you're trying to make your way into like a climate refugee camp? I think it may not be the most pressing concern. This just seems like not a thing that you have to worry to worry to worry to worry to worry to worry to worry to worry to worry to worry to worry to worry to worry to worry to worry to worry to worry to worry to worry to to to to to that to to the to to be to be to be to be to be a to to be to be thi to be thi to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to 15 15 15 15 15 15 15 15 15 15 thi thi thi thi to to to to to thi the their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi thi thi. 15 thi. 15 thi. 15 thi. 15 thi. 15 thi. 15 thi. 15 years thi. 15 years thi. 15 years thii. 15 thii. 15 thi. 15 thi. 15 thi. 15 refugee camp. I think it may not be the most pressing concern.

Like, this just seems like not a thing that you have to worry about for a while. You're like offering the trip sit for your son, we're at all from Waterworld. But you know, congratulations on the baby. That's wonderful news. Yes. I'm sure parenthood will be its own kind of trip. Yeah. Before we move on for this one, I just want to point out, just to head off any emails we get about this, I realize that the sentence, a fun guy who likes mushrooms was said

allowed, and that's a pun. Don't point it out to us. I don't want to hear about it. Do not write into the show. Thank you. Or I'm churning the spam filter back on. Yeah. Here's a distressing letter. Hello from Drury Britain. Oh no! How could it get worse? Things have begun to reopen in the past few months, and it's almost time for us to be able to go on dates again. Ouga. So here's my problem. I've been talking to a guy via popular internet dating site and he's kind, attractive and loves horror movies just like me. But he's also apparently a vampire, at least according to himself. Well that's bad news, they cry as mortal blood. No, no. What do you... At first it was just a vague love for the subgenre. Then around month two of our lockdown chatting he would send me pictures in

which he had false specialist-made vampire teeth and dressed like a gothombser with his red hair spiked as if he were a kingdom hearts character. He's a ginger vampire. Those they really can't be out in the sun. They can't be out during a ginger vampire. They really can't be out in the sun. Let's say they can't be out during a full moon just getting that reflected UV. We've had a few flirty conversations. It was a long lockdown. And during one rather racy chat, he kept trying to call me his thrall. Awesome. And bought up my throat a a bunch and he's also repeatedly asked me to quote look into corsets. I like the phrasing of that as in like the way

someone would tell you to like look into 9-11 like there's the order to be found there. My friend telling me to look into cryptocurrency you know. Just decide for yourself what you think yeah. Yeah. Look it is an investment and a lifestyle choice into cryptocurrency. Yeah. Just decide for yourself what you think. Yeah. Yeah. Look, it is an investment and a lifestyle choice, but I think you should look into corsets. Other than his vampiric tenancies, he is lovely and really caring. It's just as much as I love blood suckers, I don't really know if I should date one.

So I was wondering, should I just stick in the plastic fangs and throw myself upon my ghoulish lover or should I look for someone who doesn't dress like the merri of Indian? Thanks the Baroness. Oh man, this is, I love this letter. This is delightful. God, I don't know. It's weird. It's a weird thing. But a lot of people have weird things. I would want to know how to know how. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the thin, thi. I thrown, thr- thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I thi. I thi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the. I the. I th. I thr. I thr. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm, th. I th. I th. I th. I thro. I thro. I th. I th. I know. I don't know. It's weird. It's a weird thing. But a lot of people have weird things. I would want to know how, how seriously he takes this. Is this like any time that a potential new partner reveals some sort of like, let's go with personality quirk. Let's, I think, this could be covered under personality quirk. You know, is this something that is going to affect your day-to-day life? Are you going to have to, you know, invest in very expensive orthodontic work?

Are you, is he going to want to like really bite you at some point? or is this just, like, you know, sort of a, you, sort of a, a, th-a, th-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like, th-like, th-like, th-like, thi-like-like, th-like, this, this, is this, is this, is this, is this, is this, is this, is this, is this, is this, is this, is this, is this, is this, is thi-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-s, th-s, th-s, th-s, th-s, th-s-s-s, thi-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s, thi-s, thi-s, thi-s, thi-s, thi-s, thi-s going to want to like really bite you at some point or is this just like, you know, sort of a roleplay thing that he likes on the side? And yeah, oh I don't know. I mean I don't, I think vampire would probably be a bridge too far for me, but you know, I've had lovely relationships with guys who are really into feet and, you know, various other fetishes. I think everybody sort of decides for themselves, like if somebody's interesting enough for you to kind of go along with the thing that they're into. Yeah, it's, the question is, is he a vampire at like the bank? You know, like when he's going about his day-to-day life, is he a vampire?? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes. the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their vampire at like the bank?

You know, like when he's going about his day-to-day life, is he a vampire then? Do his parents know that he's a vampire? Yes. Does he have like a special coffin in his childhood bedroom? Does he, like? Is he out of the coffin to his parents? And also I guess his expectations matter as well. Like if you're getting like a moderately priced off the rack corset, will that be enough? Or is he expecting

you to get crazy tailor-made, weird Victorian shit that like, you know, that's a big investment in the lifestyle for you. He'd have to be very, very nice. There are a lot of nice people out there. Well, so I do have, I think that one that one that one that one that one that one that one that one the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most th. th. th. th. I th. th. the most the most the most th. th. th. th. th. I th. th. I the most the thi. th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be the their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their their their their their their the the the th. the. the the today. the today. the today. today. today. today. their. today. to. to out there. Well, so I do have, I think that one of the most helpful ways of sort of measuring how attracted you are to a person is figuring out what is the craziest conspiracy theory they would believe and you would just kind of be okay with it because they're that hot. Like I have, you know, I've met people where I'm like, you know, you could be be a 9-11 truther and that's fine with me. I would still date you. Like that's, you know, because you're that attractive. And yeah, are you could like, is he, is he, has he sufficiently glamored you such that he could be a vampire? All the time. I guess it's an element of like, what if he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he th. th. th f th f th f f f f f. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I could th. I could th. I could th. I could th. th. th. th. I th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th a vampire all the time. I guess this is also an element of like, what if he fucks good enough to make the vampire thing work?

Listen, it could be so sexually skilled that it's like, oh, yeah. You could be really into it. I say, give him a shot. For me, the deal breaker, and I will say, it kind of feels like we're all, the thing that this is hinging on is, is this like a hobby or an interest or is this a fetish? Is this a, because for me, that's kind of the crossing the line part of, if this is just a thing he's really into, and he likes to do it, sometimes like he's a civil war reenactment guy, that's one thing.

If the only way that this dude can get off is to have his specialist made fangs in and be like biting at you and saying, blah, while you're getting it on. Is he Calchacular? That would be funny if he was like a really like a kid-friendly cartoon vampire. Not the sexy kind. Not the sexy kind at all, like not the Anne Rice vampire. Yeah, he's a monster style. He's having sex with you very slowly by going, one's throat. Ah! Ah! He's having sex with you very slowly by going, one stroke, ah, ah, ah, two. Like specifically the fucking Leslie Nielsen Dracula where he's like tripping down the stairs. So yeah, my question is, is this like a fetish type, this is the only way that I can fuck thing?

Because that to me is like a, you've got to be pretty invested in that. If somebody has the type of fetish where they're like, hey, it would be cool if every now and then you would indulge me in this thing, you know, every now and then you let me rub your feet, it's like, cool. But if it's like that every time we have sex, I'm getting you into the 2000 euro corset I'm putting in my specialist fangs. I think there's a difference in terms of like, OK, is my thing, does my thing now have to be your thing as well? Like, do you have any option but to, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, to, to, you, you, you, to, to, you, to, to, you, to, you, you, to, to, you, to, to, to, to, you, you, to, to, to to to thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thing now have to be your thing as well? Like, do you have any option but to, you know, fully immerse herself in this thing that I'm into?

If there's enough space in this, you know, butting relationship that she's like, hey, I'm really into reptiles, let's like go to a terrain, like, you know, if if if there's like some negotiation of both of their interests, I don't mean in a sex way, I just meant like as a hobby. I didn't want that to be expanded upon, but yeah, thank you for. I don't know. I'm just trying to- I'm just trying to-I'm just like, this is my lifestyle and if you're going to date to like that me like this is like this is like this is like this is like that at this is like one that. to like a hobby thing than that's a different matter than like this is my lifestyle and if you're going to date me, this is now your lifestyle too.

That's I think a much, a much bigger ask and one that you would have to like, I think you'd kind of have to be a little bit into it yourself to fully embrace. I feel like part of the problem here is maybe an asymmetry of respect before the relationship has even started because you found the thing that he's into laughably ridiculous which already means he's sort of diminished in your eyes so what I'm suggesting is a sort of solution where you bring in a humiliating kink of your own that he finds laughably ridiculous. Now he's a baby vampire wearing a diaper.

Yeah, if we meet in the middle, where you're like, okay, well, neither of us respect to each other and we're both barely horny. The relationship works. Beautiful. That sounds like a perfect British love story. The question I think that the Baroness needs to ask herself is, you can ask yourself questions about, you know, what it's going to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th the the the Baroness needs to ask herself is you can you can ask yourself

questions about you know what it's going to be like in the bedroom and everything but I think like Ben said is this guy a vampire at the bank and are you will you be cripplingly embarrassed if you take this guy to the pub and he starts talking about his vampire deal to your friends or if he he insists on doing his whole deal when you're just out and about. If you can't, if he wants to do those things and you can't deal with them, then that's the deal breaker to me.

Yeah, I think that's quite sensible. Hi everybody, it's me. It's Theo. Now I guarantee you I'm more afraid of recording this promo than you are of listening to it, so hear me out. If you haven't already, maybe check out our Patreon. It's a great way to support the show and it gives us the ability to actually dedicate time to this thing. You'll get all of our bonus episodes, it's over 300 extra episodes in total, and we'll set up a feed over their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, th... their, th. th. their, th. th. th. th. th. th. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, maybe, to th. to, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, to to to to to to, maybe, maybe, to, to, to, to, to, to.. And, to, to.. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the. to the. the. to hear this ever again You'll also get access to our discord which honestly is turned into a nice and funny place full of mostly normal people to hang out with

So that's Patreon dot com slash Bunter Vista check it out All right here is another Substances related question. I am 34 years old. I'm very lucky to have a career in my own home but I live for the weekend and the sesh. When there are parties I'll do it at parties where there are raves I'll go and dance and when nothing is happening I will just do a bender on my own. Some people worry about me but I'm able to sustain happy relationships and my job and I just see it as a coping mechanism for many difficult aspects of my life. I'm onto my fourth friendship group in 10 years because people keep growing

out of it and I just don't. Am I right to keep chasing my hedonistic pleasures or do I need to confront my arrested developments? Yours reading between the lines? See yeah I would push back on the idea that he's able to maintain healthy relationships if he's on his fourth fr fr fr fr fr fr fr fr fr fr fr fr f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f- th. th. th. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I's thi. I'm to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi. I to to th. I to to to to to to to to to to th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the f-a. I the f-a. I their their their thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. te-I te-I te-I te-I te-I thi. te-I te-I te. te. thi. te. the lines. See, yeah, I would push back on the idea that he's able to maintain healthy relationships if he's on his fourth friend group in 10 years because everybody like wants to bail on him because he's still trying to, you know, drink like he's in college. I mean, you know, it's there are, it's, you can be a very high functioning alcoholic and you can keep your job and, you know, I don't know that I'm in a,

I'm not in a particularly good position to judge other people's coping mechanisms because mine aren't very healthy either. But what would concern me is the fact that he is not able to maintain long-term relationships with other people. That seems like, like, um, um, the the job. It's like, the job. the job. the job. the job. the job. the job. the job. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, their, it's like, their, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. And, and, and, and, and, and I their job. And, and I their job. And, and I their their their their. And, and I their. And, and I their. And, and I their. And, their. And, their. And, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. their th. their th. their their their their their their their their the fact that he is not able to maintain long-term relationships with other people. That seems like a bit of a red flag right there and a sign that perhaps you're lying about like how exactly how well you're doing. Isn't that supposed to be one of the, I don't know if this is like an AA thing, but isn't that supposed to be one of the metrics for judging if you're, I guess if you're, uh, I, I, I, I, the, the, the, the, you're, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi's, thi's, to to to to to to to to to thi's, to to to thin, thi's, thin, thi's, th, I don't know if this is like an AA thing, but isn't that supposed to be one of the metrics for judging if your, I guess if your habits are destructive, if they

are causing you to have problems maintaining relationships? Well, I mean, I think that that's got to be one one of the big questions you ask yourself as to whether something has tiped into destructive is, is it impeding my ability to have healthy, you know, nurturing long-term relationships? And this clearly is, and so I think based on that alone, it's like, I would be a little bit worried about, you know, saying that, you know, your life is actually fine outside of your going on vendors by yourself on the weekend. You know, that's maybe not true. The benders by yourself thing. Yeah. The benders by yourself thing sort of says to me, that that as just a little window into something kind of suggests a compulsion to do it or an inability to not do it, which I think is generally not a great sign.

I mean, hey, it's very possible that this person just enjoys it so much that they're totally happy to do that. I mean, what I sort of found during like, you know, my late 20s, early 30s of being, being like in that kind of window of, I'm kind of getting to the age where I want my life to just be a bit more routine and normal, because you also have the factor of like your body stops responding to these things the way that it did when you were like 23 and you could go and drink some disgusting amount and get up first thing in the morning and stuff like that. I don't, I don't, you know, drink like that at all anymore. But even things like just, you know, smoking weed

constantly every night would have this effect on me where I would get very high just like on a weeknight and then stay up too late playing a video game or watching a movie or whatever and then you get up in the morning to go to your office job and you're like, oh I'm very tired and foggy and all that sort of thing. By the time you get to the end of the day you're like that day was really hard and I feel the, and I thir th, th, th th th th th that that, that, that, thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the the thi, the the the the the the the thi, thi, the the the the the the the thi, the the the the the the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to to thi. to to thiiiiiii. to toda, today, thi, thi, thi, thi, for myself and don't I deserve to be high to make me feel better And it just it just rolls on as this kind of Endless thing of of telling yourself that you are Self-medicating as you know as a coping mechanism for a difficult aspect of your life for as a way of dealing with something or of making yourself feel better. But you do occasionally, I think, need to step back and try and really assess how many

of the difficult aspects of my life are in some way being influenced by or directly caused by the fact that I really love going on Benders. Yeah, I mean, I am certainly, I would not say that. I would not say that. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, I, to, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, to, to, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th, I, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, I to, the fact that I really love going on Benders? Yeah, I mean, I have certainly, I would not say that I've always had a healthy relationship with alcohol or drugs. There have been points in my life when, you know, things probably tipped over into something that, you know, we could call like a problem. And, yeah, whenever I would start to get like sort of concerned about my relationship with alcohol, that's when I would just like stop just to make sure that I could and I would stop for like a while. And so I would suggest like, you know, I'm not saying that this person needs to like, you know, check themselves into an inpatient treatment program, but like, maybe just stop for a bit and see how you feel.

Do you, you know, is it like, is it nice to wake up on a Saturday morning and not have a crutching hangover? Is that like a feeling that maybe you could come to appreciate? Just like a little, a little check in every once to watch? And, and to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the treati, treatment, treatment, treatment, treatment, the their their their treatment, you their to to to to to to check, you know, you know, you know, you know, you to check, you their their their their their their their their their their their, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you their their their their their their their their their treat. treat. treat. treatment, you treatment, treatment, treatment, treatment, treatment, treatment, treatment, treatment, treatment, treatment, treatment, treatment, treatment, treatment, treatment Is that like a feeling that maybe you could come to appreciate? Just like a little a little check in every once in a while of like, okay, do I, you know, am I doing this because it's like fun and social and you know, it's just one of the joys of being an adult or am I doing this because I like can't do otherwise? I mean it could just be that this person loves going to rave so much because they have terrible taste of music. That might also be the case. It could be. Yeah, maybe they're just really into trance. And in that case, there's no treatment program in the world that can help you, my friends. We cannot cure you of liking you of you of you of you of you of you of you of you of you of you of you of you of you of you of you of you of you the the their their their their their their their of liking the band Spongock. Yeah, I think trying to have a break is very good advice, not just from the perspective of,

like, you know, whether it's good for you or whatever, like you were saying, just having a break and seeing, can I actually do that? Because I think try, like, you can be in those patterns of doing something over and over again and telling yourself this is or is not affecting me and my relationships and my job and all that sort of thing in different ways. But it's very hard to do that without actually taking a step back and then trying to look at it. And it's very hard to look at it with any sort of objectivity while you're kind of in the middle of it and I think the big one for me would be can you say I'm gonna I'm gonna take a month off yeah I'm gonna take a month off of having any weekend benders or go on any

raves or parties or whatever and if it's like the only thing that you can think about all the th th th th th and th th and th and th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi you to to to thi thi to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi the the the. the. thee. ty. ty. ty. ty. ty. ty. ty. thee. the. the. the. And if it's like the only thing that you can think about all the time and it's upsetting to you that you're not doing it, all that kind of thing, that I tend to take as a sign that maybe your relationship with those things is not currently in a great place because it's, um, you know, I'm personally I am no particular advocate for like clean and sober living I know that I I think that people should do the things that work for them and I totally understand a lot of people get to a point

where they say I just don't think drinking agrees with me anymore and they stop doing it and that's absolutely reasonable but yeah I think I think any times that I've like stopped whatever I was doing for a bit and just been like mmm this is just popping into my head constantly I'm just thinking about what an injustice to me that I'm not currently doing these things that's the stuff that's really made me kind of step back and go. I don't, I don't, I think, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't actually, I don't actually, I don't actually, I don't actually, I don't actually, I don't actually, I don't actually, I don't actually, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't th, think, I don't thi, I thi, I, thi, thi, I, I, I, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, any, any, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thi, thi, th'm not currently doing these things. That's the stuff that's really made me kind of step back and go. I don't actually feel very good about that right now. And I think that it's nice on just a fundamental human level to feel like you can just go through your life without needing things like that as a bit of a, a bit of a crush. Yeah, there are so many things that we don't have th that we that we that we that we that we don't that we don't that we don't that we don't that we don't that we don't that we don't that we don't that we don't that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th things like that as a bit of a bit of a

crux? I mean, yeah, there are so many things that we don't have any control over and so it can be kind of nice to every once in a while check in and say like, yes, I am I am making these decisions. This is not like a compulsion. If I decide I want to go out to drink it, it's because I have like control over that decision and I could not th. th. th. th. to th. th. th. to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi tho thi thi thi thi thi tho tho tho thi thi thi thi their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. There th. There thi. There thi. There thi. There's throoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. There. There are there there there are there there are there there there are there there I have like control over that decision and I could I could not do it or I could do it, but I'm not being driven to it by, you know, some sort of external factor. And so yeah, I think just just take take a take a wee break and see if you can and see how that feels and just know if you can. That's that would be a good place to start. What do you think, Ben? I wouldn't know.

I don't spend my life in a haze of weed smoke, so I don't have to confront any of my problems ever. I just do it because it makes YouTube videos fun. I actually just joking about what you'd say before about waking up and being very foggy. I had a night last night where I had a bunch of brownies from a batch I made with some people had quite a lot of beers and I woke up this morning just being like, oh no I'm stupid today. Oh fuck. See, but that now happens, that happens to me if I like, I go to bed completely sober, but I only get like six hours of sleep that is like functionally a hangover to me now and so yeah

sometimes I'm like I might as well have had five beers last night I feel just a shit regardless. So that that can happen you wind up like resetting all of your calibration for what constitutes like having it together. Yeah. I think only very recently, something has finally changed inside my body. And now if I drink a coffee at like 10.30 p.m. I will be sitting around at 1.30 a.m. and going, probably shouldn't have had that coffee. That was the thing that like for years I could just drink like six coffees in a day and be drinking coffees at nighttime and still just go to bed and have it be fine

But finally, finally I've I think I have to stop the evening coffees. It's happened. Rips rips to the big one. The evening coffee. The evening coffee, that that wild and crazy nighttime coffee. That's right. To the Honorable Brandy, I'm in a pickle. First-time caller, long-time fan, I've fallen into a tricky situation with someone, a 33-year-old male, we met on Tinder about six months ago and have been essentially inseparable ever since. I'm really into him and the relationship is very sexually charged, yet nothing has happened between us.

He pines over me in front of our friends, being very touchy, but in private, it's crickets. I'm significantly younger and don't have a whole bunch of friends in the city slash country that I live in, currently living abroad, so my fear of rejection is strong. I guess this is all pretty classic. My question is, any tips for making feelings clear for friends or alternatively getting over a crush while you're still involved with them. Love the show, can't get enough. Winny punctuation.

Thank you for winking for the camera. Yeah. I'm not sure that this is like a classic dilemma. You meet a guy on Tinder and he acts like he wants to fuck you in public and then doesn't for six months. I'm not sure that that is like, oh, that old chestnut.'m assuming this person, they come home from a night out and he just immediately walks into the bedroom, sits on the edge of the bed staring at a wall until 7 a.m. and then he gets up and goes to work. Because he's like gone to war or something. Yeah, I think, uh, yeah, I think the time for like hinting is past. You've got to ask this guy what's going on.

I think six months six months in you're you know he's been all your friends you are around each other constantly. He's 33 years old. He's a he's an adult. I think it's time to sit down and say what what is this? What are we? Will we be having sex? Will we be? Yeah, well, do you want me to be a quick question? Are we having sex? What do you need here? What do you need?

It is a weird vibe. I mean, I'm given to understanding that a lot of guys are very bad at like, I don't know, making the first move or... It's terrifying. I fucking hate that shit. It's, uh, it's awful. It's a nerve-wracking experience being like, wanting to have that absolute confidence that this is an advance that is like wanted, and also that it's like the right time and everything, but like, it's weird, it's feels feels feels feels feels feels feels, it's weird, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, yeah, it's like, thi's like, thi's like, thi's like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I's like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I thi-like, I thi-like, I thi-like, I thi-like, I thi-like, I thi, I thi, I, I, I, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like the right time and everything but like it's weird. It sounds like it's been the

right time for a while now it sounds like. Yeah I mean there you know it is it is terrifying there are no guarantees and being rejected is awful and it stings and it never gets any better no matter how many times it happens it doesn't get easier it sucks just as much every time. But yeah, I think, you know, it's not like this is a friend where, or like a, you know, a school classmate where you're not sure what the vibe is. You know, this is like, you presumably went on a first date of some sort, and you've now been on your, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you're, you're, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you're, you're, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you know, you know, you know, this is like, you presumably went on a first date of some sort and you've

now been on your, you know, 57th date, I think it's time to just, you got to have a conversation. It's, you know, it's going to feel awkward and excruciating, but that's also part of being a grown-up. And if you want to be able to have sex, then you'd need to be able to talk about having sex, to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have sex to have sex, to have sex, to have sex, to have sex, to have sex, to have sex, to have to have their sex, to have sex, to have their sex, to have to have to have to have to have to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thea, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the have sex with a person, then you'd need to be able to talk about having sex, I think. That's true. And like, the thing that I'm not a hundred percent clear on from this letter is, I know, well it does say the relationship is very sexually charged. So what I was trying to take away from it was, do you consider yourselves in a relationship, or is this a thing where you have been hanging out with a guy heaps and flirting heaps and he has been making out like he is very interested in you in front of people, but then when you hang out privately you're just like friends hanging out. But you're referring to it

as a relationship and being essentially inseparable. So it sounds like at the very least one of the parties is considering it a relationship. Well, and it would be my assumption that again, if you, you know, met on Tinder, that if he, you know, at some point realized that he was only interested in this being a platonic relationship, that that might have come up, that he might have said like, hey, I think you're great and I would love to be friends, you know, but that hasn't been a conversation either. This just feels weird, and I, and I, and I think, yeah, the only, the only way to kind of puncture that weirdness is to just face it head it head it head it head it head it head it the it the it the it the the the the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. that thi. that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that thi. that that thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that that's that that yeah, the only way to kind of puncture that weirdness is to just face it head on.

You just got to ask him what's going on. Yeah, well, I mean, he may have some kind of penis issue. He may have some sort of anxiety about sex. He might be an adult virgin. You just never know with the things. Like, I guess, I guess my point is that there are, there are different things that things things things things things things that things that that things things things things thi thi that thi thi thi that that thi that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi theeeeat theat thi thi theat thi the things, like I guess my point is that there are different things that would potentially cause somebody to start off in a relationship being nervous about initiating or having sex for the first time. And if the other person also doesn't initiate anything, then that just kind of rolls along. And like I knew a guy years and years ago who was well into,

like I want to say, is mid to late 20s and was a virgin. And I remember him describing it as just like, you know, it was a thing where when I was a teenager it was like, ah, yes, I want this to happen. And then when I was in my early 20s, it was like, okay, it's getting kind of weird that this isn't happening. And then it was like, as I got older, it was just like, I just's not going to happen. Well, and then it becomes the thing that is the reason why it's not happening and it takes on this kind of self-suffi prophecy. Yeah, well, I mean, also that kind of thing can happen between two people, where the more you

don't talk about it, the less able you are to talk about it. Yeah, the bigger issue it becomes. And so I think it's, you know, six months, you're clearly close with this person, you have feelings for them. I think it's, you know, before this becomes a thing that, you know, five years on, you just have lost any ability to approach the topic at all. Just, you know, bring it up say, you know, hey, I have feelings for you. I really like you. I would like for this to be a romantic relationship. Is that something you're interested in? You know, yeah, it's it feels very scary, but it's also like, you know, people do it all the time. You just got to dive in. And yeah, I guess I guess the only

addition to that that I would have is like you were saying kind of I would frame. I would to th, I th th th th th th, I to to frame it it, I would frame it, I would frame it, I would frame it to frame it as I would frame it as I would frame it as to frame it as to frame it as to frame it as to frame it as to frame it as to frame it as to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. the. thi. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. thi. the. that that that that that that that that's that's thi addition to that that I would have is, like you were saying, kind of, I would frame it as, here is what I am interested in happening, instead of it being an interrogation about what's your deal and why aren't you doing this? Why am I not being dicked down currently? You have 10 seconds to comply. When will the ding be taking place? Let's bring it out one of those like giant flip calendars to just be like, and here's a permanent marker. I just want you to go over there and just circle the date you reckon maybe pencil

in a time for when we'll start. And I think we've got time for one more question here. From my experience, the stereotype that the quote, cool art or music girls are crazy, but quote, normal girls are boring is often true. Okay. Okay. Mm-hmm. Okay.

Uh-huh. How do I keep myself from falling head over heels with a girl who looks like a wounded alley cat with BPD bangs and a noise band and find happiness among the normal people of the world. Because I just can't seem to do it or recover from the intensity of dating cool crazy girls who ruin my life. How do I find a happy medium? From Bruce. Well, I don't know that you should necessarily inflict yourself on these so-called

normal girls that you obviously have a certain amount of contempt for. I don't I don't know that the best way to go about this is to you know look for somebody who you're going to find boring and who you think you know will leave you content in some way. That seems unfair to the normal girls who are just out there living their lives too. I kind of wonder with this one, like, because there are plenty of people out there who would have a noise band or be a visual artist or something

and are perfectly capable of conducting like a respectful adult relationship. Well and at a certain point if you just have like if all your exes are crazy it might not be the X's. You might be doing something there to provoke a certain reaction in women that you have relationships with. Yeah, like where do we plot this person on the spectrum of normal to crazy as well? you know, there's two people in a relationship in a relationship relationship relationship. re re re., th, thi relationship., th, th, thi, like, thi, like, like, thi, thi, like, like, thi, a thi, a r r r r re, a re, a re, a re, a re, a re, a re, a respectful, a thi. A, a thi, and a respectful, and a thi. Well, and a thi. Well, and a thi. Well, and a thi. Well, and a thi. Well, and a thi. A, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a thi. thi. thi. thi. A, and a respectful, and a respectful, and a respectful, and a respectful, and a respectful, and a respectful, and a respectful, and a respectful, and a thi, and a respectful, and a respectful, and a respectful, and a respectful, and a respectful, and a respectful, and a thi, and a respectful, and a respectful, and a respectful, and a thi like where do we plot this person on the spectrum of normal to crazy as well? You know, there's two people in every relationship. It's not like there's crazy women, normal women, and then men, which are one category. Are you also

also ruining people's lives? Are you also, you the flip side of this, the fun spontaneous man with a noise band who is also just weird and emotionally abusive? It's hard to say. Yeah, this is, it's very difficult as an advice column when people write in about, you know, sort of like all their exes generally or like this sort of woman or this type of person. And I'm like, I don't know, I don't know what you mean by crazy here. I don't know, you know, are they texting you wanting an explanation for why you cheated on them?

Does that make them crazy? Do you, you know, are they, are they expecting you to like show up on time or to pay back money that you borrowed? Like, I don't, it's very difficult for me to adjudicate a question like this when I, I would would would would would I would would would I would would would I would would would, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you to, you to, you to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th......... th, th, th..... And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. to, to, th. th. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, th. th. th. th. to, to adjudicate a question like this when I would, you know, I would love to hear from one of his noise bandex girlfriends and get their side of the story. But outside of that, I mean, yeah, I don't I don't think that you should, like I said, this guy does seem to have a little bit of contempt for women that he deems boring and normal and I don't know that I would try to a little bit of contempt for women that he deems boring and normal and I don't know that I would try to throw yourself into finding one of them because I don't think

that you will, either of you will end up happy in that situation. I think also maybe part of this is, assuming that he's absolutely right here and they have all been crazy right, he is perfectly normal, they're the crazy ones. You need to get to a certain point in your life where you can do the maths on a relationship. You know, you can look at the things about this woman that you find fun and interesting on spontaneous, but also see things that you recognize as red flags

that have ruined the last couple of relationships you have and go, okay, well maybe I just don't need this relationship if I already know it's going to be bad. Like, don't think that you have to ruin your own life every time because she has brightly colored hair in a side-cut and she collects synthesizers. You can hit the eject button a lot earlier. You can start to recognize patterns in your relationships that happen over and over. But you know you're not going to force start to recognize patterns in your relationships that happen over and over. But, you know, you're not going to force yourself to suddenly be attracted to a fundamentally different type of person just because you think you should be. Like, that's not really how desire works. And I think, I certainly have seen a lot of kind of miserable couples who end up together because they think that after you know a long period of bad disastrous relationships that

they should be with somebody like this sort of person and so they intend they they go out looking for them and try to like force themselves into it and that doesn't really work either. So I think you know there's the world is not divided into crazy and normal women, you know, there's like a vast array of women out there, somebody who you might find interesting and desirable who also, you know, pays their bills on time and doesn't like sleep outside too often or whatever. Like you, you know, there's not just these two types of women. There's, there are a lot a lot th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho tho tho tho that that that. that. that. tho tho tho the thi thi. theat. the the the. the the. the. the. the. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to theeeeeeeeeeeeeee. the. the there's not just these two types of women. There's there's a lot of them out there.

I have definitely found myself kind of observing in the past people who get into relationships with a particular type of person and in this case, what, like, obviously we can only extrapolate from the information we've been given here. But sometimes, you know, if we're talking about like a girl who looks like a wounded alley cat with a noise band, like sometimes to me that might be like someone who lives in a sharehouse and someone who, that's Walton, that's Walton. You know, someone who lives in a sharehouse and has a ban and all these like, you know, or like that whole lifestyle I think can often be a bit reflective of like someone whose life

isn't running like a well-oiled machine, someone who's shit is maybe not particularly together. And I do think that sometimes there are people who are attracted to people who don't have their shit together because it is a way of making yourself feel a bit more, a bit more competent and in control of the things that are happening in your life and in the world. Whereas if you were to date someone who is normal, someone who like has a nine to five and goes to work and pays their bills on time and all those sorts of things. They might have certain expectations of you though. A person like that might expect things from you that the crazy girl who, you know, you are always able to sort of either get caught up in her whirlwind or try to rescue her, you know, yeah.

I think a lot of people get a sense of satisfaction out of being with somebody who's in a far worse place than they are. And it means you never really forced to look at yourself. Yeah. You're never really forced to look at yourself and how you're living your own life and how you conduct yourself in relationships because if you're only ever with people who are kind of again living like a, I don't know, like what I read from that sort of stuff is like university student read from that sort of stuff is like, university student lifestyle.

If that is... Yeah, I would also wonder how old this guy is and how old, I went to the average age of his girlfriend. Yeah. Maybe, yeah, maybe, if you're getting older and you're still dating the same sort of version of a 22-year-old that's also not a great, you know, I really, I think we've got a little bit too far in terms of like how age-gap relationships. I, what I would like to do is

return to just like seeing these men is kind of ridiculous. Like it's just kind of sad when you're a 40-year-old who's constantly dating women in their 20s. You're not a predator, but you're just like a fucking goofball. Like it's just sad and weird and you're ridiculous. You know, I would like to sort of point and laugh at those guys rather than, you know, try to throw them in like super prison. Well, and I think I think it it's I thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, th is th is thi, thi, that, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, theeeing, theeeeeeeeeean, thean, theeeeeeean, theeeeeeeeeeeeee, the, the,try to throw them in like super prison. Well, and I think it's also a thing where like, where yes, you can look at it objectively while it's happening as like not a good thing, but I always think of a guy that I worked with years ago, who I was like friends with just by virtue of the fact that he was the only person within

like five years of my age at this entire place that we worked with and we spent like eight hours a day together you know so we'd wind out hanging up out a lot and there but there was a lot of things that I didn't think were great about this guy but he was sort of segregated from the rest of my social circles you know it was just kind of a one scumbag friend I would go and hang out with and do scumbag stuff and then I'd feel good about myself by comparison. But this guy definitely had the like, oh, I only want to date really young girls, you know, and and like he would kind of swing it to the extent that he would either take girls home from clubs or gigs or whatever and sleep with them or he would th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the thee the the the the the the the the extent that he would either take girls home from clubs or gigs or whatever and sleep with him or he would date a girl for like one or

two weeks and then she'd be like hmm this is all very undignified but across the time that I knew him there was this very very clear like decline in his ability to do that as he kept getting older yeah and expecting the girls to stay the same them. Yeah and expecting the girls to the girls the girls the girls the girls the girls the girls the girls the girls the girls the girls the girls the girls the girls the girls the girls the girls the girls the girls to the girls to the girls the girls the girls to the girls the girls the girls the girl to to to to to to to to their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their to their he he to he he to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to their to their to in his ability to do that. As he kept getting older, and expecting the girls to stay the same age, all right, all right, all right. Yeah, like, his own physical appearance and, and like, declined and just suddenly started looking a lot older, and it, like, it starts to get

sadder at this exponential rate like really speeds up and the the extent to which you can get a younger woman to take you seriously just falls off a cliff so I think I think like to a certain extent unless you are say obscenely wealthy which is its own other factor in relationships like that, unless you are obscenely wealthy, it's kind of a self-correcting thing to a certain extent. The guy will just become exponentially more clownish and ridiculous. There's an expiration date on that sort of guy, yeah.

After which you kind of like, you go off. You get a little, like you actually get a little putrid. There's no, there's no 44 year old guys at the nightclub being taken seriously by anybody, you know? Unless they are obscenely wealthy. Yes. And then, yeah. Once again, it's a different factor, but this guy was not fitting that. So that's our advice to thi guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's our advice. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thia. that's that's that's to to to to to to to to to to to that's. that's that's thia-a-a-a-a. thia. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. that's thi. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's was not fitting to be like that. So that's our advice to this guys. If you want to keep dating crazy girls, you need to get obscenely wealthy and then you can do it, then you can do it forever. Start buying crypto,

start buying NFTs. Buy as many NFTs as you can. That is the official advice of this show. And it may well be time for this show to come to an end. Brandy, thank you so much for your time and for your advice. Thank you for having me on. It's been a pleasure. Where can people read your writings and see more of you if they would like to? Well, I am going to be doing the column at Gawker which will be relaunching shortly. Don't have an exact date but that'll be yeah coming out soon so you can find me there or you can find me on Twitter at

Brandy L. Jensen. Yeah that's that's about it. Excellent. Well, thank you again for being a substitute Dr. Lucy for this episode. And we'll see everybody next week. Bye-bye. you