Boonta Vista - EPISODE 250: BoontaLab - Normal Now

Episode Date: May 24, 2022

It's our fifth birthday! We turn 5 today! Between the four of us that's 20 years of podcasting! Here's something a bit different. Welcome to BoontaLab. *** Support our show and get exclusive bonus episodes by subscribing on Patreon: www.patreon.com/BoontaVista *** Email the show at [e-mail]! Call in and leave us a question or a message on 1800-317-515 to be answered on the show! *** Twitter: twitter.com/boontavista Website: boontavista.com Merchandise: shop.boontavista.com/ Twitch: twitch.tv/boontavista

Buntalab is sponsored in part by the Gorban P. Grambliss Foundation, enhancing public understanding of crab science and crab technology in the modern world, and the Tube Institute dedicated to engaging everyday people across the globe with the process of tubes. All right, ready? Are we? Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're listening to Buntalab. From WCBT? T. I'm Rancolipi. Jemaine Swannvillob.

And this is Buntar Lab. Jemaine, let me ask you something. Shit. Can you describe for me what you picture when I ask you to conjure in your mind the most normal man you can think of? The most normal man? That's right, just the normalist man. Well, obviously his name is Crad Bellwether.

Obviously. And he's, um, 35. He works at a hat factory, but not on the factory floor. He works in, or let's say, hat logistics. Sure, he moves the hats around. Not personally, but yeah, he coordinates hat movement. The hats are moved hither and yon at his behest. Of course. He's seen one and a half seasons of the wire, but every season of Game of Thrones. He owns a squire strata caster that he bought in 25% thirty that he bought in 25. th. Or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, thi, or, or, thi, or, thi, thi, or, thi, or, thi, or, thi, thi, or, thi, thi, th, thi, or, or, or, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, let, the, let, let's, the, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, the, the, the, the, seasons of the wire, but every season of Game of Thrones. He owns a Squire Stratocaster that he bought in 2014 but doesn't know how to play. So far so good.

Crad has a business degree from the University of Southern Queensland. His favorite bond is Pierce Brosnan. A perfectly normal man. Normal in every way. They kept the mold after they made this man because they figured they would use it again. Well I have to say you're pretty close. Close to what? Well, Germain, you're about to meet a man.

All right. He's Caucasian of Irish ancestry, slightly smaller than average, but not in a way where you might think he has a disease or something. He's married, he's in his mid-30s. Well, that's the most normal age there is. He has a white-collar job, a nice house in the suburbs, one cat, one child. He watches one movie of Fortnite and reads one book a month. Now that is the single most normal man that I have ever the th, this man is so normal, he even drives a Skoda Octavia. Oh wow, that's a normal car. Right?

Staggaring in its sheer normality, Germain. Yes, Rand? I'd like you to meet Theo. On Mondays, I say to my co-workers, happy Monday. On Fridays, I say to my co-workers, happy Monday. On Fridays I said I'm a co-workers, happy Friday. On Tuesdays through Thursdays I ask my co-workers, ready for the weekend yet. I'm convinced that somebody should do something about things, but I'm also convinced that if things truly got really bad, then somebody would do

something about things. I'm normal. 9-11 is just not something you joke about. I'm racist, regular style. And I've gotten some great fly-by rewards in my time. I drive 90 through a 100 zone. I drive 90 in an 80 zone. I drive 90 through roadworks. I have never been more normal. I'm unconcerned by proportion. I know a person is about 1.8 meters high.

The dog probably weighs about 30 kilos. A house costs something like 500 to 750,000 dollars. Somebody knows more than this. It's my job to say, how do you even know this stuff? I'm watching young Sheldon and I'm laughing. I love true crime podcasts and I lock my doors whenever I stop in Logan. I'm so normal, you wouldn't pick me out of a lineup of normal guys.

FIFA 2022. Man, I'd love a Tesla. It's 9.30 a.m. on a Saturday. I'm thinking we park near the end of the shops where Gloria Jeans is, so we can grab a coffee before heading to J.B. Hi-Fi, try and buy a PlayStation 5 for my normal, idiot children. That's just good forward planning. Nothing against gay guys, but do they have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. to. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thirty thirty. thirty. I. I. I. thirty. I. I do they have to do the voice? Can't they just talk normally? I've never once wondered how to begin a conversation with my significant other to take them through the evidence that the CIA killed JFK.

And my dick works normally. I like normal things, like the NFL Grand Final, getting a skin check from the dermatologist every however many years you're supposed to get it checked. Just normal. I feel like I've already met him. Or at least someone like him. Right, hundreds of times. I feel like right now millions of Theos are out there scurrying around, living their lives, being born, working at Flight Center, dying.

Getting banned for life from P&O Cruises for a drunken altercation on Pizza Party Tuesday. You couldn't swing a halberd in Westfield Garden City without killing or at least seriously maiming a dozen Theos. Although they do ask you not to do that. They can ask away I will continue acting according to my own principles. That's only fair. Might I respond with a question of my own? Of course. If there are so many Theos, if the world is simply bursting at the seams of Theos bustling about this way

and that conducting their Theo business with perfectly average capability, why are we talking about this one? Germain, I am so glad you are. Thank you. You are welcome. I'd like you to meet someone else. So we met in 2010. We were going to a gig.

Theo was being dragged along by his housemate at the time to a band called Deerhoof, who I was a fan of, but Theo was not. And his housemate said, why don't you come along? You never know, you might meet someone. Lower behold. This is Caitlin. I'm Theo's wife. Talking to our reporter, Bunt Scabbard.

So you guys been together for 12 years now? Yep, that is correct, yes. Would you describe your husband as a normal man? Um, no, no, I would not. Try not to talk to my colleagues unless under duress and I avoid all optional networking events. When my very normal colleague asks me, plain to get up to much this weekend, I respond too quickly, yeah you too, before power walking to the bathroom to breathe heavily on the

toilet for about the amount of time it might take a regular person to shit, lest I raise raise any suspicions. I drive a hundred 100 zone, I drive 110 and 110 zone. I drive the posted speed limit through road works and I trust that the traffic engineers to perform the analysis have a better concept of risk as it applies to vehicles than I do. I have never been less normal. I've forgotten all of my friends' birthdays, middle names and jobs to make space for minute regarding the basement execution of the Romanov family. I'm watching TV, and I've been struck with the Phantom Terrorist Data six seconds into

a KFC ad. When asked about my musical tastes, which are terrible and not even that obscure, I hesitate to reply, oh, a bunch of stuff you probably haven't heard of that, and I reply, oh, a bunch of stuff you probably haven't heard of of of of of of their of their of their of their of their of their the, try me and I tell you, you reply, oh, I actually haven't heard of that, and I reply, yeah. And wonder what the normal level of eye contact is and whether it's changed recently, given how badly this conversation is going. No, man, I really haven't kept up with the footy this season, I say, leaving open the possibility that I have previously kept up. I'm watching young Sheldon and I'm frowning. My interests are... I only own one PlayStation controller and it's never been an issue. Flight

hostess has just announced somebody's birthday over the loudspeaker. It's getting the whole plane to sing happy birthday while I turn my mind inwards and spin a large caliber revolver on my finger idly until I can safely return to consciousness. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Now, you might remember Rand telling me that we were meeting a normal man? That's right. This man doesn't seem normal at all. No, no he doesn't.

So either you lied to me like a deceitful, fucking snake, or there's more to this story. And I feel like I could easily go either way. I'm laughing politely, but bemusedly, Germain. Well, this is where the story gets interesting. What if I told you that normal? The idea of a normal man? We're just normal man. What to mean, normal man?

Was a lie. Once again, our reporter Bunt Scabbard. Hello, hello, can you hear me? Is this working? Is this Bund? It's Bunt, actually. Oh, sorry, Bond. Bunt.

Speaking here to Dr. Veldez Klappist's head of the Anthropology Department at the University of Skull. Well to me you know the world's most normal man he's 39 he's from Beaudelsvig his favorite food is Lutophisk surprising and of course he's an anthropologist who collects wind chimes but I would say that because you know this is my experience but this is silly obviously because I'm you know normal to me and normal enough here in Scum but if you widen that you have to think am I normal in Europe and And maybe yes, but someone else say an American might say hey what's up with this guy and his hundreds of wind chimes? People have paradoxically very strange ideas about normal. Let me give an example. Let's say you have six numbers.

You've got a one, a two, a three, a six, an eight and a ten. The average of these numbers is five. Does that mean a normal number is five? No, there's not a single five in there. The other number would think of a five as a sort of guy who collects just hundreds and hundreds of wind chimes. He's a stranger to them. Not entirely sure that I... Okay. Let's say you have two dozen or so people going down the Stratton Plus on an autobus, and they're looking at pornography on this smartphone. One is, you know, he's looking at peace staff.

Another one is, is it, YoI? Another is looking at big milfs. One over here having a lovely time with bisexual scissoring. In the aggregate, they're all watching the porn on the bus on their way home from work. But you know, which of them is is their, which their, which their, which their, their, thi. their, thi. thi. their, their, their, thi, their, thi, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the, thin, thin, their, thin, thin, thin, thin, is, is, is, is, their, is, is, is, their, is, their, is, is, throooooooooooooooooo. their, is, is, their, they're all watching the porno on the bus on their way home from work, but you know, which of them is the normal one? Is that? Well, the language of this might come to us very easily, the idea of one normal one simply doesn't apply to a data set like this. You know, none of There is no one normal person because we are all the normal person. Wait, you're telling me that this is normal?

My blood has been slowed down. My marrow performed this task pulling my blood down and thick. My blood has been... Well, no, it's profoundly not normal, which is what makes it normal. But if that's normal people are like this, then that must mean... Yep. And that out there... Yep. Jesus Christ.

Millions of nasty little freaks, creepy little piggies everywhere. A world, germane people, by mutants. Probably when I get stuck in a conversation I don't want to be in. Probably something along the lines of a political discussion, or maybe I'm talking about sports and they say something I don't agree with at all. Instead of indicating that, we're saying something to move the conversation along, I will say something on the lines of, yeah, man, that's weird. Which I think is my brain's way of keeping me from saying, please just shut the

fuck up. But it still doesn't help the conversation at all and it actually just makes it more awkward, I think. In the event that I am taking a bus and the bus is full with seats that are half taken up, like one person is sitting in them, instead of simply sitting next to someone, I will stop at the point of ingress for the bus and consider for probably too long that the possibility of me sitting in the small baggage space behind the seat behind the bus driver and then as failing that noting the amount of time in my head that I have been

considering that I will then proceed to stand in the swing open path of the door, having to move every three to four minutes as the bus pulls up to a stop. So that I don't inconvenience anyone with my own existence and my own presence in a physical space. I regularly use the skip app to pre-order food and coffee to be picked up later when, you know, convenience dictates that I need to do that. And you're able to set the time from now that you would like to collect the order when you go to place it. And I must have that time line like to collect the order when you go to place it and I must have that time line up to be on a five-minute interval you know on the hour five past ten past quarter past 20 past etc and if that doesn't happen it will ruin my day so if it's you know if I'm placing the order at you know 337 and I'm about 15 minutes a time it will to thi thi to thi thi thi the to thin thi thi thi the the the the thi the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the to the to to to to to to to to the to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the order at, you know, 337 and I'm about 15 minutes

away, I'll set it to be 13 minutes, so it's a nice even 350 on the order screen. There have been a few occasions where I've been going through the process of placing the order. I've got it nicely lined up. It's 337. I set 13 minutes, but by the time I submit it, the clock ticks over to 338 and the screen says 351 pickup time, which is, as I'm sure you can all agree, completely unacceptable and has set my day on a downward spiral from which it won't recover. My boyfriend and I give each other a little kiss. We donk our heads together, like usually our foreheads, which is odd, but like nice display of affection I guess, but it has resulted in me on more than one occasion going to give my mama kiss on the cheek and

then going in head budding her. Yeah, so sometimes I'll just be you know at a friend's house and absent-mindedly chewing on my fingernails or my thumbnail and then suddenly I'll just be left with this like katana-sized broken off bit of thumbnail in my hand and I don't want to like eat it because that'd be gross and also I don't want to just stand up and say oh sorry guys I need to go and dispose of a body part so yeah usually I end up just like trying to really subtly slide of hand it under the couch or chair that I'm sitting on and hope that like if they find it they assume it's one of theirs and they they don't like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like the the their their their their to their to th. their th. their their their to to to to to to to to th. thi. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. their. their. their. I's their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. I. I. I. I's their. I's their. I's their. their. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. te. te. te. te. te. to. to. th. to. the assume it's one of theirs and that they don't like clone me to find out who left this random fingernail.

Generally quite good at code switching, but the one thing that always gets through is how funny I think 9-11 is. I once showed my friend a gingerbread house recreation of 9-11 that I thought was really, really funny and she just kind of recoiled in horror at the ginger-red folks that were alternately on fire or on the pavement or in the middle or jump. I watch movies on my iPhone mini, even when I have the option to put it on my perfectly normal TV. Sometimes I use earbuds, sometimes I use the terrible little speaker that the phone has.

I'm talking about the classics of film, you know, the godfather, Kurosawa, Casablanca, all that stuff. Just right on my phone. You know, I love just getting that screen a few inches from my eyes. And if it drops to standard definition, you know, 360P, I don't wait for it to buffer. I just keep watching. That's fine to me. That's what I want. I can't kiss unless I'm singing a song or humming a song. Normally I choose welcome to the black parade. I am sorry to report that when I am in public or private with friends and I think

about a delicious treat that I'd love to eat, I make a disgusting slurping sound akin to, hmm, trying to get the last bit of jello out of the small plastic container it came from. Even worse, sometimes I do this when I'm thinking about attractive people. I rehearse every phone call two to three times before making the call because I'm not normal. I am incapable of not greeting a pigeon when I cross thiiiiiiiiiiii. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I the thi. I the to to to the th. I'll toe. I'll toe. I'll toe. I'll toe. I'll toe, I'll toe. I'll toe. I'll toe. I'll toe. I'll toe. I'll toe. I'll toe. I'll toe. I'll toe. I'll toe. I'll toe. I'll to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the their their their their their their their their their the. I'll the. I'll the. I'll thea. I'll tea. I'll try. I'll try. I'll try. I'lle. I'lle. I'lle. I'lle. I'lle. I'lle. I'll t to three times before making the call because I'm not normal. I am incapable of not greeting a pigeon when I cross parts with it. Like I'll either say, hi, how's it going? Or I'll just make a little pigeon noise at it, like... Someone told me in grade 9 that I walk with a stag leg, and I still don't know what that means, but the result of that is that 20 years later I still think very hard about how I'm walking whenever I'm walking and how I'd be perceived from the outside walking.

And even though I know logically that no one gives it shit, it, what the result is that I walk really weird. Rand, I'm starting to wonder. I mean, I think of myself as pretty normal. I don't blame you, Germain. You're an extremely average person. All right. Let's try a little thought experiment, okay? Indulge me in a few questions. Do you pretend that broccoli is trees and that you're a mighty Diploticus when you eat it? Do you sometimes worry so hard about what it would be like if you pissed yourself in public that it becomes a real risk that you might actually piss your pants for real because you're thinking about it so much? What? No? Well, yes, sometimes. Sure. And I guess from time to time I have my day entirely ruined by remembering that one day I'll die and all of this will have been for absolutely nothing. Yeah, Zilchow, that's right. I guess... I guess I'm normal now. Maybe we all are. Maybe we always were. Hello, this is Michelle calling from Stamphal, Queensland.

Food of the series hosted by Alex Lee and Ben Jenson and produced by Ben McClain with special thanks to Andrew Law, Lucy Valentine and Theo and Caitlin Pingalley.