Boonta Vista - EPISODE 305: World's Slowest Police Videos

Episode Date: July 16, 2023

Andrew, Lucy and Theo bring you: Americans who can't stop showing Instagram Live to gorillas, a stolen alligator, a garbage man who has simply had enough, the world's slowest police chase and more

Welcome to Buntavista episode 305. I'm Andrew and I'm here at the 2023 edition of our annual conference. That's right, you'll here at the Slim Fast Presents, self-confidence in you. Or as I like to call it, the self-confidence. As you can see, I already possess an overabundance of confidence in myself and the things that I say. Today our speakers will be showing insights and wisdom about how to develop and retain self-confidence in the complicated world of today. Allow me to introduce just a few of the fabulous speakers will be featuring over the next 13 days.

First up is Theo. Theo has a master's in feeling good about himself from the will I am online University of Emotion. Theo, how do you stay self-confident when people say things like, you're a piece of shit, or you're worth less than the dirt on my shoe, or you're a fraud and your life is a lie and no one was ever respected you? Or you're a disgusting little worm who deserves to be crushed under the boot of professional wrestler Ria Ripley. crushed under the boot of professional wrestler Ria Ripley. Hey Andrew, ah, so good to be here. I have been caught all of that and worse, but I don't let it get me down. I simply take four Seracool in the morning. And that's usually zoo-ded me out until about 3 p.m. That's at that point that I figured daddy deserves a little drinky.

And I start hatching my evil plans for the next day for the weekend maybe some futsal maybe a sneaky Zanni. 10 a.m. on a Saturday morning. Yep. Four circle will definitely allow the slings and barbs of the social media age to just wash over you. Yeah, mostly because my eyes simply stop focusing. Can't actually make out any of it anymore. Sort of rubbing the drool off my phone.

Get to the screen underneath. You are like the smooth stone in the river bed, allowing the water to flow over it. Absolutely. That's great. That's wonderful advice and we're looking forward to hearing more over the next 13 days, I guess. We also have here Dr. Lucy Valentine, a professor of sex advice with a PhD in prying from the Hillary Clinton Institute of Girlbossing.

Lucy, how do you respond to people, including the organizers of this conference who begged me not to book you, th. th. th. th. th. th. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. th. And, th. And, th. th. th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thi. And, thi. And, toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, the to people, including the organizers of this conference who begged me not to book you, when they say that women are emotionally, spiritually, and biologically incapable of being funny? Yeah, you said that to me at a dinner. And look, I'm not going to talk about facts. I'm not going to talk about whether that is true or not, but it hurts my feelings. You know, That's about it. That's all I can say. And you can take that on board.

I've got some tips for you, if you like. I mean, you feel you're... I can already hear you crinkling the tray of pills that you're popping. First of all, you're going to want to get a little ladder put in in front of your medicine cabinet. Just in case you got you you you you you you you you you you you you the you you the you you you you the you you you you the you you you the you you you th to to th thi to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to to to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get too too too too reaching up there when the time comes. Fumbling and they're all falling everywhere. Doing the lucky dip. Yeah.

Seeing what you come out with. Oh, it's the, it's the, uh, it's the fucking, what's the, what's the extra, the panodol forte thing? Codine, yeah, I got it. Codine. From when I got my wisdom, my wisdom, the little coding. Can't have it anymore. A little bonus there. Workness. Can't get it, the chemist. You can buy mine if you want.

Ooh. Ooh. Neurophan plus. That was the other one, wasn't it? Does it have codeine in it? Yeah, codeine plus just cause you to shit your stomach out? Probably. I I I I I I I I I I I I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. the the the thine. thine. thine. thine. thine. thine. thine. thine. thine. thine. thine. thus. thus. thus. thus. thus. th. thus. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Yeah. th. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. the. the. the. the. thea. It's. It's. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the. the. th. th. th. th. I like how 50% of doctors would just be like, yeah, if you've got anything going on with your tummy, don't go anywhere.

You can't do neurophin. You're gonna be, you're gonna be shit in blood. If you like your stomach operating, yeah. Stay away from that nearerfin. It's not for me. However, if you're a brave soldier, what you do is just, you get up there on the step ladder you sweep it all down from the medicine cabinet into the sink below ideally any of the things that are containing the pills will break it all fall in there scoop up a handful see what happens just say what happens

oh Sidney brunch it down with a red wine just have a brave new adventure every day you know this is probably a good time to point out, if I do disappear all of a sudden during this episode, it is because I've been having a lot of diarrhea. Just so... Having the Lucy experience. That's, and that's the Buntavista promises that we will always keep it real. Yeah, we, Finn was at child care for two days. Oh no, you've gotten you getting the child care illnesses.

That he brought back one of the worst gastros. I don't care to name favorites. But thy aback the black plague, the brown plague. Oh, that's not a good, uh, it's not a good time. That's not a good way to spend most of the week, you know? Yeah. Just being hollowed out over and over again. Tuesday was just a waking nightmare for me.

There was one point where I needed to puke all of a sudden, so I ran to the toilet. Apu-pu-a-pu- to pukal all of a sudden, so I ran to the toilet. Apologies, probably just skip ahead 30 seconds. So I ran to the toilet, puked in the toilet, realized I needed to shit real bad. So I changed ends. Change places. Yeah, flip it around.

I had the foresight to yell, Kail, get the bucket. Oh, no. Next the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the th, th, th, th, th. th. tho, the the the the the thoom. the the the the the the the the the the the the the, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. I. I. I. they. thoom. thoom. tooom. toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome. Ia, tooom. I, I get the bucket! Get the... Oh no. It's next to the bed, get the bucket! Um, yeah. After I'd chat, I had no blood left in my body apparently, like I was drenched in sweat from head to toe. And then I passed out, landed on my face,

with my nude ass, pointing in the air, woke up a couple of seconds later, just in time to crawl to the bucket that had been hastily tossed at me because Cain can't stand anything that's going on there, puked the bucket. That sounds dignified. Do you feel good about the experience? No. I cannot believe that this is what child care means.

And they make you pay for the days that they don't go too. Yeah, that's right. You've got to pay for that gastro. Yeah. So he's been there two days now. And look, this just goes to show that we are dispensing great advice to this conference because if you had taken your four Seraquil, then none of this would have bothered you at all. No, absolutely.

If you had to have taken all that coding, you could have blocked yourself right up. Yeah. And at the end of it, I'd just purchase a new mattress from today's sponsor koala dot com. Please buy a mattress from them because I need the money because child care is so expensive. Do you think you get anything good from koala mattress sponsorship or do you just get a mattress? Just get a mattress? I don't know. Do they do bed frames? I've got a mattress? I sleep on a mattress. If I get a mattress. It's all the way off the floor and everything. You have to get rid. You gotta get rid of a mattress if you get a mattress. She's a nightmare.

Just checking in real quick on koala.com. You know they forked out for that domain. Although, give me an AU. I know, you know. Is it an American company or Australian? I feel like we need to know that. But they got sofa beds, they got armchairs, they got coffee tables, they got rugs, bookshelves, kind of like, they're a furniture jug

or not. Folks, we are willing to accept sponsorship from koala mattresses. I will take some of this furniture. I need a big rug. I need a big rug for my living rug. Rugs are expensive. You wouldn't know this, but they are. I also want a huge rug. I'm not fucking around. Which is horse shit right? Because a rug is just like a big jumper. It's just like a shirt that's been spread out. Spread out. Spraed out. Five five. Just flattened out a jumper. Yeah. Yeah. Cost money. Then they get dirty instantly. It's healthy. Related to the gast. to to to to to th. to th. th. th. th. the gas. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the gas. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thu. th. th. thu. th.. Then they get dirty instantly. Oh, related to the gastro. We bought a wet fack. Okay. Is that helpful? Yeah.

That sounds very satisfying. Oh boy. So folks, if you know anyone at Kowala mattresses, please let them know. We will take some of their furniture in exchange of sponsorship, but ideally, we'll take that cold hard cash, just like we get for our appearances here at the whatever I said conference. Hmm. Hey, what's that on the big TV over in the corner of the conference hall?

There's some breaking news. That's right. There's some motherfucking headlines, firing off over there. Time to just kind of turn our attention to them enough to see the headline, but not really gather any other information about it. It's time, of course, for the segment. Headline News. That's right folks, it's headline news, the segment where we give you a context-free headline from a news article, and you and also us are free to just kind of imagine what might be going on there.

We will not be looking any further into it though. It's a pretty selfless segment. Like it's pretty selfless of us this segment because it fills in basically zero time. First up, man drives ATV into Ohio police cruiser. Now that's just good fun. How does that happen? Good clean fun. That's nice to picture. I'm enjoying myself.

Little teaser about the location of the new GTA, I think. Victimless crime. They should make a fucking new GTA in, like, one of the new GTA, I think. Victimless crime. They should make a fucking new GTA in like one of the farm states or whatever. Yeah, let me drive through cornfields. Yeah, you want Iowa GTA. Yeah, absolutely. You could become a meth lord, you know. That's right.

I was thinking like, let me go to six concrete blocks of heroin city. Oh man. Next. Cat stolen by pizza delivery driver, Colorado family claims. He's got to get his tip somehow, you know. You're not proven that one without the the ring footage, right? Everybody's got the ring footage now, right? I don't like how much ring footage is going around. You guys heard about these rings. You all seen these rings? That's nice. I mean in the abstract, I don't know, where are they going around? What socials are you seeing these on? I'm seeing it on the

Sandy Bay Community Network Facebook page where someone posted a picture of a kid doing like door knocking, like not like ringing their door and running away and they were like if this is your child he is knocking on my door every night and running away. It's just this like night time picture of a kid. I'm gonna swing an axe directly at his knees. All, all of mankind's resources poured into eventually developing the technology to combat ding-dong ditch. Yeah, incredible. It's no good. It's no good. I got a couple of colleagues at work who both have the ring things on their doorbells, I guess. On their doors. And, and like, I've been at things with them like at a conference and they're both just routinely going

who's that? Who's that at my door? Looking at their phone? They're just watching that. It encourages you to just watch it to just live stream the front of your door, like to be worried. It's none of your business who's at your door? You're not there right now. Yeah. Is it a crime? Is it a crime to just come to your door and have a little peek around and leave? Lucky. Are you using the house right now? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were using the house right now. You're using the porch. Oh, to be clear, every single time it is somebody delivering a package that they ordered. Yeah. So I'm like, cool. You've got a th a th a th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thus, thus, thus, thus, are thus, are thus, are thus, are thi, are thus, are the the the the the the the the the the the house, are the house, are the house, are the house, are the house, are the house, are the house, are the house, are the house, are the house, are the house, are the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. Are thi, are thr-a, are thro, are you throoo, are throoooooooooooooooooooooom. Are you thooooooooooooooooooooooo, are th. Are th. got a, things are going according to plan verification. Just getting anxious by the fucking, by cause and effect with like some days in between. I think it just makes you feel anxious. I live in such a quiet place that like, I really do have to stop myself routinely from getting

suburb brain. Yeah, you know, like you with the car across the street there. Yeah, just peering out the blind. He's out there again. I'm going to write such a good letter to council. It's going to be so actionable. You put so many traffic calming devices in. But yeah, we live in a suburbine.

Oh, you guys got suburbs over there? Yeah. Anyone else living out there in suburbs? You're getting in, digging into suburbia. You guys are just making new ones out too. It's fucked up. But, uh, they are just making new ones up. They give them all the names of ex-prime ministers. Yeah. All our new ones.

But it's just a very quiet street. It's like like many many many many many the the the the the th, it's, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.a.a. And, thi, the other places that I've lived, particularly in this town, where there is no reason to go through that street unless you are going to one of the houses on the street. You know, it's kind of off another street. Yeah. What's like how even doing here? What are they doing? And I was in bed the other night and I could like hear somebody talking out of the street and I was like what's going on out there? I've never been able to hear somebody talking outside from the bedroom since we moved into this house what is going on? And then I, then like two minutes later I had to check myself and say it is 10 p.m. on a

Saturday night. Yeah. People are alive. People are existing. I should get a ring camera. I should get a letterbox camera. Maybe some drones. And then I could prove once and for all that hey, there's someone out there. Just fly a drone. That's basically what you're proving most of the time, right? Yeah, there's somebody outside my house. Yeah, and that's the end of the ordeal. It's pretty much the end of the interaction. Oh, you don't interact with them. No. That could get dangerous.

What are you gonna do anyway? You're gonna call the cops? They'll show up in three hours? Yeah. Bill, probably. First rabid bat of the year found in Ada County. It's always beautiful the first of the year. The changing of the bats? Honey, it's bat season already. Oh, it feels like it comes earlier and earlier every year.

How many rabid bats you got out there? Also, one of them bit me on the hand. Look, I'm just going to say it. I'm kind of glad I live somewhere where rabbid bats thats bats bats bats bats bats bats bats bats bats bats are the that's that's thatsatsatsatsatsatsatsatsats are thats are the thatts are thatts are thatts are the thatts are the thatts are the thatts are thatts are the that me on the hand. Look, I'm just gonna say it. Kind of glad I live somewhere where rabid bats are not a yearly concern. Yeah. Regina unleashes 200,000 aphid munching ladybugs. Good for them. Regina.

I live in Regina. And that's funny to me. And that's funny to me. You're grown-ups. Are we picturing like, opening a box and releasing them like doves at the Olympics kind of? Yeah. Yeah, I'm just releasing some ladybugs. That's quite nice. And they all immediately fly into your eyes and nose. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm not an aphid, get out of here. And that was headline news. Thank you. Lady bugs. Not big enough for the zoo. Couldn't keep them in. You would uh, you'd say. They could just leave at any time. Yeah, yeah, a regular monkey style cage. They would be out of there. It's time for Zoo Watch. Z-W-O-Z-W-O Watch Z-WO Watch Z-WO-Z-WO Watch Clever girl. This comes to us from

C-D-W-D-W-D-W-D-W-D-W-W-W-ZO-W-W-W-CW-T-T-WO-WO-WO! This comes to us from CP24 in Toronto. And this is something that I think we can all say we wish someone would implement for us. Toronto Zoo urges guests to help limit screen time for gorillas. Oh what's the problem? He was addicted to your phones? Who is going to the zoo and saying, hey gorilla, you've got to see this Instagram live? Just showing him like Logan Paul videos.

The monkeys are demanding prime. Just unmanageable. I saw, you know, speaking of prime, I didn't know this about prime, right? I don't know shit about prime, by the way. I only learned about it yesterday. I've had only like, you know know two or three points of learning about it to this stage which were when it sort of came out and it was like Logan Paul, Jake Paul and KSI, YouTube slash Boxes released this drink and of course it's been marketed to the people who watch their streams who are children.

Then at some point we got a letter home from our kids school. it's been marketed to the people who watch their streams who are children. Then at some point we got a letter home from our kids' school saying, please do not send kids to school with prime. Because apparently it's like instantly turned into a thing where kids are psycho about it and demanding that their parents get it for them and treating like people are selling them on eBay for like 60 bucks a bottle so you can get one for your spoiled kid Braden or whatever. That's right. It's just some like energy drink right? I think it's full of caffeine. Yeah, well so so I saw this article the other day on a on a an MMA blog about they're talking about the

UFC and how Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer is asking for the US Food and Drug Administration to investigate prime energy right and the reason that it's in this is because the UFC have made a sponsorship deal with them and they're saying we also want to look into like how they're advertising it right so that's the that's why it's come up here. What I didn't know about this and makes it even more fucked up that our kids' primary school had to be like, hey, stop sending this in with your kids, right? Is that they want them to investigate this drink prime energy, which has 200 milligrams of caffeine per can. Yeah.

Yeah, so seeing that, it's the fucking caffinating. The worst kids at school, the kind of kids at all. That is twice as much caffeine as a can of Red Bull and six times as much as a regular can of Coca-Cola. Insane. Yeah, so my step son was asking about it the other day. He's seven and he was like, I want to get some prime and we were like, fuck no, you are not getting anything like that. And he was like, oh, one of the kids at school has it.

I was like, yeah, well. Yeah, well, one of the kids at schoolthis thing saying that one shot of espresso generally has like about 60 milligrams of caffeine. Fuck me. You're sitting your kid down and giving them a fucking like four espressos. How's it compared to a white monster, you know? I don't know, like they're bigger I guess as well. And like it, it contextualizes any of the other things that I saw about Prime, like, um, I'm, I saw a, I, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, they, the, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, their, their, like, like, like, like, like, their, like, like, they're bigger, I guess, as well. And like, it contextualizes any of the other things that I saw about Prime, like,

I saw a Tick-Tock of some lady talking about like how she keeps her gamer-sun hydrated. I feel like that was one of those ones that's deliberately designed to make you mad, you know? Probably. I mean, that's most of the internet now. Yeah. Yeah, that she, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. That's. That's. That's. that's that's most of the internet now. Yeah. Yeah, where she's like filling up a little water cooler next to his, next to his PC desk. Yeah. Prime. He's got to be drinking something.

This kid's getting fucking hollowed out like the mummy, just desiccated. I think moral panics are cool now, actually. You agree with them now? Should kill Logan Paul with a katana. Yeah, once you've the the the the th tho tho tho tho tho tho th tho tho tho tho tho thi thi thi thi thi thi thi's thi, thi, thi, thi, tho's tho- tho- thi, thiol- tho- tho- tho-like tho-up, tho-up, tho-up, thu-up, thu-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, thi, thi-s, thi-s, thi-s, thi-s, thi-s, thi-s, thi-s, thooooooooooooooo'-s'-s'eea'ea'ea'ea'ea'ea'eatea'eat-n- kill Logan Paul with a katana. Yeah, once you've got kids around it's like, oh no, moral panics are good. He should be put to death on live TV. It should hit him with the big at a stupor hammer. My goodness. It's just a, like, it's such a bizarre world.

Like, it's just not one that my brain can even mesh with. Like going online, opening up YouTube and then watching Logan Paul videos as a child. Haven't they got like masturbating to be doing? Maybe later. Hopefully that'll like take him away from YouTube once that kicks in. Yeah. Let's get you some real pornography, son. But what if instead we went down to the Toronto Zoo and threw some bottles of prime into

the gorilla enclosure? Give him what they want. The Toronto Zoo is advising its visitors to avoid showing videos and photos on their cell phones to its gorillas as they distract the apes. Tell me about it. Those things are painful. You got to see this. Come look at this. I need your opinion on the... Well, they're showing them. Architectural floor panes. Do you reckon this is spacious enough or?

I just, I hope they're not out there showing the Gorillas EGOLAs or anything. You know, just getting them all fucked up. I don't want Gorillas to know about EGURG. Leave them in peace. What you can do is play a gorilla, the Buntavista podcast. Yes, they didn't say anything about audio. They didn't bring a little Bluetooth speaker. Yeah, I think audio is actually healing. That's true. Good for the good for the for the chi. This is an extremely identifiable sentence here. Quote, we just want the guerrillas to be able to be gorillas said Holly Ross,

behavioral husbandry supervisor at the zoo in an interview with CP24 on Thursday. She continues, and when our guests come to the zoo, we want them to be able to see gorillas in a very natural state, and what they would be doing naturally to sort of connect with them on that level. Would they naturally be looking at humans through a paint of glass? Let them out! Yeah, get rid of the plane of glass. The zoo has posted signs at its gorilla enclosure to remind guests not to show videos or photos to its primates, quote, as some content can be upsetting and affect their relationships and behavior within their family.

Show it, yeah, yeah, with guerrilla's all quiet because someone showed him an them them them them them them them them their their their their their their family. Show it, yeah, the gorilla's all quiet because someone showed him an ISIS beheading video. He's just been sitting in the corner all day. Hey, this gorilla's never seen Goatsy. Someone showed this gorilla the entire end of the movie Congo on their phone. Sorry, a bunch of gorillas getting bisected with a big laser. And now he's crying. He keeps signing. Monkey, sad.

Monkey, sad. Half monkey? Monkey, two monkeys. Ross said one of the gorillas, Nassia, has become enthralled with videos visitors are showing him. Oh no. He's hooked. He's hooked.

He's on YouTube. He's watching Tinktocks. The Toronto Zoo's website says Nassia was born in September 2009 and te-s scei was born in September 2009 and describes him as quote the epitome of a teenager who is fascinated by videos and screen time would dominate his life if he had his way. Yeah. Natural teen. That's right, you give him too much and he's an asshole, you know, starts going mental, got crazy afterwards. How many iPads have been smashed when the screen time feature kicks in on Nasea? Even our strongest Otterbox case can't stop him.

While the gorilla's fascination with videos is primarily out of curiosity, the zoo wants to ensure that it does not become an issue, Ross said, adding that they have not observed any significant behavioral changes so far, stop complaining them. Yeah, might be fine for them. We don't know. Maybe it's good for them. Yeah. Maybe to help gorillas evolve further, we should be showing them. We should be showing them those videos of the guys in the jungle who just build houses out of palm fronds and stuff, you know? Maybe you guys could be building one of these. Yeah, show them some DIY videos. Some woodworking. I'm just there showing them like lock picking lawyer videos.

Pointing to the lock on their cage. Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Over there. Over there. Slipping some little tools through the chain link fence. Yeah, this is the Genesis set. Oh man. A zoo in Chicago had to put up a rope line a few feet away from the glass partition of its gorilla enclosure to keep visitors from showing their phones to one of the apes.

What is going on? What is going on? What is it going on? What are you showing them? What are you showing them? What are you showing them? I know we joke, we're doing some japery, but I don't understand what you're actually showing a gorilla that is enthralling him so. Fail army videos. That's got to be it, right? Highlights from jackass. A gorilla would probably love it. They should be having a good time while they're in there, I'm just saying. If you want to control what they're seeing, put a TV in there.

They should have a TV. Give them an hour as, you know, I don't know if you're supposed to reward kids or not. I don't know anything about parenting, but... Pick it up at some point. Yeah. I'll read the book soon. I just I get so on my like George Costanza was supposed to be living in a society shit when when you see this stuff where they like put up a bunch of signs that are like stop showing

the gorillas your fucking phone and they can't stop people from doing it. Yeah. What the fuck are you doing? Like... I guess it's because like that idea wasn't in my head before you put the sign up. Why? What would happen if I showed it? You should do an induction at the zoo where they just kind of like they bring you into a room and then some silhouettes line up of people pointing at animals. I'm going, look! Yeah, this is how you act at a zoo. That's what you should be doing. You're here to see the animals. Don't touch the animals.

Don't try to get in the enclosure. We know you Americans fucking love that. Stop throwing fleshlights over the fence. See if they'll fuck them. Throwing fleshlights and like iPod touches that are already tuned into the zoo Wi-Fi and navigated to X-Vidios. Straight in. You'd have to get like an extra small fleshlight for a gorilla right? Like a super tight one. Oh yeah, I forgot they got, I don't know. I don't know. They got their tiny little acorns.

Oh, that's pathetic. Yes. They're, look, it's, we've, I think we've only mentioned it like 600 times on this podcast, but they absolutely have the, I think, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thin, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, their, thin, like, like, like, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thin, their, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, thin, their, their, their, their, their, th absolutely have the I think for mammals the smallest penis to body mass All right, so we're holding up comparison penis sizes between Gorillas and people. That's what a humans dick looks like. Yeah, look how big This one this one me this Big me yeah, little you. It's all just dudes showing the last dick pick that they sent to a woman. It's all guys with very underwhelming penises going into making themselves feel better?

Yeah. Show them the gorillas. What do you think of that, big boy? Hmm, I think. Pathetic. Ross noted that the Toronto Zoo is already letting its gorillas watch videos, including those of other animals and nature documentaries, which she said they really like. Hell yes, hell yes, they are giving them a little bit of screen time. So little David Attenborough. Is this when the like, do you reckon that's the zoo keeper?

Oh, I'm fucking bushed. I cannot take another minute of these. Wheel in the TV is up now now now now now? Is now? Is now? Is th? Is th? Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is thi? Is thi? Is thi? Is thi? Is thi? Is thi? Is thi, I, I, I, I, I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. Is, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I th. th. thi, I thi, I'm, I'm, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi in the TV? It's raining, it's raining. It's throwing him his iPad. I don't care. I don't care. Mommy needs the wine. Imagine. Kids are like,

Showing us the same video again. Same one. It's like they've only got Braveheart. And... Braveheart and Braveheart an animal planet. Quote, we just want to make sure that we know the content. Very much like managing an account for a child or something. You want to make sure that your parental controls are on and that you're in control of what the content is that they're seeing, she said. We just want to make sure that we know what they're watching. So if you get the okay from like a janitor or something, show them what you like. You know? Poor little guys. Let him, let him out.

It's a jungle out there I've heard. So, well, apparently Chicago is a concrete jungle. Yeah. When do you draw the line? You're like, oh, they can't watch videos. That's not like their natural life. It's like, they're not having a natural life. You can do whatever.

You have the very in a zoo. You've taken the their life. Infra-pound. Infra penny as it goes. That's right, folks. We personally on this show do not subscribe to the idea that gorillas should be in a glass case being shown live leaks. We think they should be out there in nature. It's time for Nature Corner. This comes to us from CBS, Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love, I believe. If that's wrong, let me know. I guess so. No way to prove it wrong.

Yeah, I guess so. No way to prove it wrong, I guess. Two-foot alligator spotted in Derby Creek in Upper Derby, police say. Two-foot. Just a little guy. Just a little fella. They're haunt about? A two-foot alligator was spotted in the Derby Creek in Upper Darby, police said Tuesday night.

The alligator was spotted at Penn Pines Park near Providence Road. Save some peas for the rest of us, you're illiterating motherfuckers. The Pennsylvania Game Commission responded to the scene, but Upper Derby police said the alligator swam off in the direction of Yeedon. Jesus Christ, he could be anywhere. C.B.S. Philadelphia's Joe Holden obtained audio detailing when someone spotted the reptile. Quote, somebody just jumped into the river on the Eden side with a mask on, grab the alligator and is now running back down the trail towards Providence. So I'll be watching back there to see where he's going, the person said on the police scanner. What? Okay, I mean, it's Philly, I guess.

So of course someone's fucking diving in there for the alligator within like three seconds. Free alligator. Free alligator. Am I the only one who is picturing a, like a Lucha Libre Mexican wrestler mask? Oh. Oh, I was just thinking a... like a Lutuja Libre Mexican wrestler mask. Oh! I was just thinking a COVID mask or something like that. That probably makes more sense. Yeah.

It's fair. I'm probably not going to picture the wrestling mask either. Okay, but you, the listener are free to do that if you are so inclined. It's a serious situation. I mean, yeah, I'd be terrified if somebody in a Lutuja Libre mask stole my two-foot alligator, ran off down the trail. Right, scream. That's really a little guy, huh? I'm just picturing him. Just thinking about him here in my lap. He's little. Me too, but I'm also picturing like coming into the nursery

and it's like just the far side style got half your baby in its mouth. It's just trying to force the whole thing into its body. That sounds about right. I would jump into my vehicle and pursue the alligator bandit. And of course, one type of vehicle is a truck. It's time. That's the whole story. That is the whole story. A man in a mask stole the alligator and ran away. Time for truck watch.

Time for Truck Watch. alligator and ran away. It's time for truck watch. From KATU in Portland Oregon, the Kato. Kato. Is that the... that's the Russian band? That's Tattoo. Okay. Which one's a Narciss, the Nazis, that's Prussian blue. Yeah, that's tattoo. Okay. Which ones are Nazis? They're that's Prussian blue. Yeah, that's the Nazi band. Okay. Glad we got that.

Glad we covered that. And if you're under 30. So from Portland, Oregon, abandoned garbage truck stalls traffic traffic on I-84. A stalled garbage truck on westbound I-84 caused a significant traffic slowdown Tuesday morning according to O-D-O-T. Oregon Department of Transport? It sounds right, doesn't it? Thank you. The truck was left near Northeast 60th Avenue.

An ODOT worker told a cat-to-ph photo journalist that the driver, quote, just walked away from the truck around 4.30 a.m. Having a bad time? Hit the bricks. Just walk out. Truck stalled. Fuck this. You know, fucking that. Done with driving a stupid garbage truck. I'm out. I'm out. And more power to them, in my personal opinion. The trucks company apparently was working to send a mechanic, but ODOT said they could not wait and we're calling in a tow truck around 6.30 a.m. Only two hours to get a garbage truck out of the middle of a highway. Well, God bless that driver. I hope he finds more happiness in his life moving forward.

You know? We've been there, you know, you're in the middle of your job that you hate and you're like, you know what, this is it. I'm done today. I'm done. I'm out. It's the last, last straw. Walking away from a truck that you have abandoned in the middle of I-84 in Oregon, is that a crime? I don't think so. Absolutely not. But we do have a crime for you right now in this the Code of 1369. You now have five seconds to the clock. Help me!

Help me! Help me! I'm not a man! It's dangerous! From WANE in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Oh, the Wayne. I'm picturing Wayne night. Oh, the Wayne. I'm picturing Wayne Knight.

Yeah, I'm frequently picturing Wayne Knight. Yeah, I'm frequently picturing Wayne Knight. Okay. From 4 Wayne, Indiana, man led police on 10 mile per hour chase, swerved at cops and crashed into squad cars on Northwest Indiana Interstate. Hell yeah. This man's going GTA style. Yeah. An Illinois man was arrested Wednesday afternoon after Indiana State police

say he led troopers on a 10 mile per hour chase down a northwest Indiana Interstate before intentionally driving a police and crashing into multiple squad cars. Boss. Sure. According to ISP, a Lake County trooper was patrolling Interstate 65 Southbound near the scale barn. Fuck is that? The fuck does that mean? When a person told them that a car was driving five miles per hour in the right lane and endangering other drivers. There's nothing Americans hate more than somebody not doing the speed limit.

That's a funny thing to do, just driving five miles per hour. Insan insanely slow. What's the crime? What's the crime? Driving too safely? Driving under the speed limit? You're supposed to do that. Gosh.

No one ever gets mad at Theo online than when he says that he drives like five kilometers an hour under the speed limit. Makes people go insane. It's so funny because, um, yeah, I know the cultural differences between like our speed limits and American speed limits. But you know, like, well, I just drive what I feel. I've just got like vibes-based speed limits or whatever. And no, it's like, it's actually you go the speed limit.

People like, no, you're supposed to be doing, uh's like, it's actually you go to the speed limit. People like, no, you're supposed to be doing like one to five miles over the speed limit. Yeah, you're just meant to. It's extremely dangerous for you to be driving a hundred kilometers an hour on the motorway right now. I have to swerve my fucking Ford Bronco on two wheels around you. Yeah, which I just used to pick up my kids from school. Yeah. The trooper, ISP said, soon spotted a white 2023 Chevrolet Silverado driving eight miles per hour in the right lane.

Police said the trooper tried to pull the car over to investigate the slow driving. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Yeah. But the driver refused to stop and almost hit pedestrians on the shoulder. Well, they got plenty of time to get out of the line. They got plenty of time. Doing a real comical like, ah, uh, the Austin Powers, steam roller. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, quote, a pursuit was initiated as the vehicle's driver refused to stop, an ISP release

said. How the fuck was a... What do you mean a pursuit was initiated? I don't understand. You could just drive in front of him, right? You just stop your car in front of them? And then if he kept driving, is your car just like, duk? Dunk. Dunk. It'll, you know, rock a little bit, and then, then, then, the the the the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi, their, their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their, their their their, their then just come back to a standstill again.

A pursuit was initiated because you can't just say we followed him. Yeah, I mean like, hey, a. Like, pursuit sounds cool until you say eight miles per hour. Yeah, and then you're picturing like a Mr. Bean-esque situation. You drive it next to him going, hey, hey, hey. Buddy, hey. I pursue people at eight mile an hour as they like walk back to their car. So I'm like, hey, hey, hey, can I have? And they're like pointing to their car at the thing. So I'm like like th like th like th like th like, hey, hey, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, like, like, like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. th. their, their, their. their. their. the other end of the thing so I'll just sort of drive I'm pursuing them in my car at that point yeah so like that someone's gonna do it or just

leave him alone you know yeah let him drive let him drive let him drive try's overtake just overtake it's on you the pursuit continued southbound with a vehicle almost struck a parked semi with pedestrian standing outside of the semi as it was disabled on the right shoulder but it didn't it sounds like. ISP said several troopers made multiple attempts to quote de-escalate the situation by using stop sticks. What's that? What's the sticks that say stop? Unsuccessful.

A stopstick? Now I'm looking at Stopstick.com. Oh, okay. They're a little, they're like, they're like the spike strips that they used to roll out. Yeah, so just check them out. Oh my god. I'm looking at, um, stopstick. The website for. stopstick.com the website for stopstick and

it's the most cop shit in the world. They got a banner across the top that says stopstick 44,534 successful deployments and counting. Okay. They sell a flexi shield active shooter response rifle rated ballistic protection. Oh my God. My goodness. And they have a hit of the month thing, like an employee of the month thing. But about getting hit with the Stopstick. But about how cops stopped you from moving.

That's so good. Since 1996, Stopstick has been assisting police officers and the communities they stops stopped you from moving. That's so good. Since 1996, Stopstick has been assisting police officers and the communities they serve with the world's leading tire deflation solutions. Stop talking like that. Someone they got a copywriter on this, you know. Yeah, literal copywriter. Oh, hey, you are.

The born to the list of comedian of the week. Today, the same ingenuity that made us the most trusted tool in automotive pursuits is accessible with our protective, tactical gear from our partner brand. Bonoie, USA. Forward focused on innovative solutions... Fuck, it's so cool to get paid to write stuff that doesn't say anything. Yeah, I love it. Forward focused on innovative solutions.

That's my job, it's the best. Beautiful. You sell spikes in a box. Yeah, we sell spikes in a box. Just put that. Keep it simple. Just chuck it out there. See a tire, pop a tire.

So it was indeed. Stopsticks. But we're at first unsuccessful, despite the claims that I've just read on stopstick.com. Eventually, the suspect's driver's side tire began deflating, but trooper said the car continued moving and soon began, quote, intentionally and quote, driving toward them. Very very slow. I would not put any of this in the newspaper if I was the police. I'd just be like, well, we're keeping this one to ourselves. I feel like you could have just, you know, got it like a wooden chalk and put it in front

of the tire. There you go, I got him. Quote. Lassoo the car or something. Quote, the driver continued to flee southbound at approximately 10 miles per hour. And as another trooper attempted to deploy stopsticks, the driver of the Chevrolet appeared to intentionally swerve towards the trooper, ISP said. The pursuit continued southbound by the suspect vehicle proceeded to intentionally ram a state police car.

They're gonna execute this man. You guys are trying to pop his tires. Let's take a little bit of he was not doing a crime. Stock of the situation here. You are trying to damage his car. That's what I'm hearing. You're escalating. You're escalating where it does not need to escalate. Yeah, why are you getting so mad? This guy. Uh, yeah, I haven't read the end of this story yet. thirty. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. the thi. the the thi. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. tha. tha. ty. ty. ty. ty. ty. ty. ty. ty. ty. ty. try. ty. try. try. ty. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S.'t read the end of this story yet, but I feel pretty confident that they are going to end up charging him with like 45 felony counts of attempted murder on police officers, you know? Yeah, reckless endagement and... And then, bring back hanging just for this guy is probably what we're looking at, I reckon. Trooper said that the Chevy was then, quote, forced to drive into a median near Mile Larker 238 on I-65.

According to ISP, the car initially stopped and truvers started moving towards it, but then the driver suddenly accelerated towards police and started ramming several squad cars. Oh! That's great, because I didn't expect it. He drew the police to him. That's right. A tactical genius. That's great, I love it. Quote, while attempting to drive back onto the interstate, the suspect rammed a Jasper County Sheriff's Department police car

four times until the suspect vehicle became disabled against the police car, as he said. So if he was a pro, he would have been driving backwards, demolition derbystars.. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I I I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th. they they they they th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th. I th. I th. I the. I the. I the. I the. I theat theat the. I theat the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I ISP said. See if he was a pro, he would have been driving backwards, demolition derby star? Yeah. You get a lot more cock-rams. That's what I do, personally. Police said the suspect later identified as 45-year-old Thomas J. San Hamel of West Chicago, Illinois was then handcuffed and arrested without further incident

after a canine was deployed. Just sicker fucking dog on him while you're getting him out of the car. Oh, you don't know if he's going to start walking at the St. Habeas. He's shuffling towards me. Get him! San the Hamil, ISP said, was later taken to Franciscan health hospital and crown point for treatment of minor injuries. Three ISP troopers were also treated for minor injuries at the scene, but weren't hospitalized. Oh, no. They all got a... I have to get the boo-boo kid out. They all got whiplash from flinching so hard as this guy slowly drove towards them. In total, ISP said that three state police cars were damaged by the suspect's car during the pursuit in addition to the Jasper County Sheriff's car. Pretty good.

San Hamel was later taken to the Lake County Jail after being released from hospital, ISP said. He is now being held on a preliminary 48-hour hold for charges that will later be determined by the Lake County Prosecutor's office. Yeah, they're going find what Laurie broke first. Now there is a photo of the gentleman attached to this story here. I don't know if either of you have looked at it. He does look like the drunkest man in world history. He does. Maybe he was just trying to safely drive home. Holy shit. You know those memes of Ben Affleck where he looks like the most tired man in the world. Yeah. He's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the gentleman the the the the the the the gentleman th thi thi thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir is is the the gentleman thir thir is the gentleman the gentleman the gentleman the gentleman the gentleman the gentleman the gentleman the gentleman the gentleman the gentleman the gentleman the gentleman the gentleman is the gentleman the gentleman is the gentleman is the gentleman the gentleman the the the the the the man of the man the man the man the man the man the man the man the man man man man man man man man man man man man the most the most thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir tired tired man tired man tired man thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir thir trying to safely drive home. Holy shit. You know those memes of Ben Affleck where he looks like the most tired man in the world? Yeah, pretty similar vibes.

Smoking a cigarette. Yeah. Imagine that, but Ben had also had like 40 beers. And that's basically how he's looking at him. Yeah, that's that guy. Now, Ben, who was not here with us today has very helpfully provided an update to this story and we'll see how correct my assumptions are. The update also from W.A.N. E. the Wayne. Driver charged with attempted murder after 10

mile per hour chase on Indiana Highway. Indiana State Police announced Friday that charges including attempted murder have been filed against an alloy man who led officers on a slow chase down the interstate. On a relaxed chase, you know. Yeah, what are they bored to death? Fuckin moron. Sandhammel has been charged with attempted murder, level one felony, one count. It's just as soon as it involves a cop, they're just like, oh, we need to really charge you. This is so much more important than if you did something to a normal person.

Just because we're a manned a book at him, which I can't read by the way. Anything that embarrasses cops, they'll find a way to like to like to like to like to like to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge to charge you to charge you to charge to charge you to charge you to charge to charge to charge you to charge you to charge you to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their to their their their their the.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a. trya.a. trya.a. the thea.a.a't read by the way. Anything that embarrasses cops, they'll find a way to like charge you with something ridiculous. Yeah, it's true. It's not. They don't like that. Attempted battery by means of a deadly weapon, level five felony, one count. Battery by means of a deadly weapon, level five felony, four counts. Attempt to commit battery against public safety official, level five felony, one count. Battery to public safety official, level five felony, four counts. Resisting law enforcement with a vehicle, level six felony, two counts. So it's that classic thing that we love to see where they stack all the charges, where you get done with an attempt to do something and also actually doing it.

It is our long held position on this show that if you did it, you don't get to get charged with the intention to do it. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, 100%. You get charged with successfully pulling it off. And also if it's very funny, it should be legal. Yeah, that too. Continuing with Crime Watch, a wonderful theme, that we all enjoy.

This comes to us from KLKN in Nebraska. Clockin' clockin'. Thief, stuffed Burger King's pathroom pipes in pants, when police say, What's the crime? All of this? I brought this from home. You're referring to this outline?

Somebody stopping you at the door. Uh, my eyes are up here? Yeah. A toilet paper thief. Escalated and stole the pipes behind the toilet, Lincoln Police say, just say about your society. Hmm. He can't afford his own pipe.

There should be a place that they can go for a pipe. No one should go pipeless. It is a human right to obtain pipe. Car in every garage, a pipe in every home. Yep. Police is still looking for the woman who stole the pipes on December 12th at the Burger King near 60th Street and Havlock Avenue. Security video showed the woman going into the bathroom and leaving with a, quote, strange bulge in her pants, according to police. Hey we've all been there. Yeah. After she left the pipes

between the toilet and the wall were missing. That's circumstantial. Police say the woman has also been suspected of stealing toilet paper from the restaurant on previous occasions. Oh boohoo. That's, what's wrong with that? Youtoilet paper from the restaurant on previous occasions. Oh boohoo. That's, what's wrong with that? You get it for free from the company, right? It's there for you to use. I don't care about the burger king toilet paper, you know?

It's not even good toilet paper, you know? I guess what do you have the toilet paper, you know? And the pipe. And the pipe. Let her have the pipe. Pipe. Pipe. In another case, officers are looking for the owners of a red pickup involved in theft from a bar near 33rd in Superior Streets.

On December 27th, the truck was seen driving off with the wall panels of a walk-in cooler. Just the wall panels? Again, I say, let them have it. You know? Yeah. So they're mine in their own business. Taking panels off a walking cooler. Then on January 17th, two people driving a different truck showed up at the bar and stole the replacement cooler, the replacement cooler, which was being a the tooler, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the the the th. the wall. the wall. th. the old wall. Just. Just. Just. Just the wall, just the wall, just the wall the wall. the wall. the wall. the wall. the wall. the wall. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. the wall, just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just. the old wall. the old wall. the old wall. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tool. true. tool. true. tool. tool. true. tool. the tool. the tool. the true. the the the tool. the the tool. the the two people driving a different truck showed up at the bar and stole the replacement cooler which was being assembled outside. You snooze you lose man. Yeah. You know you've got to be on the ball. Yeah you got to pay attention when you're assembling your cooler outside. That's on you. Turn around for one second. Go on.

What's the crime though? Stealing stuff? Oh, that's a crime now? Oh, that's illegal? It's illegal now. Uh, I tell you what should be illegal, going on a cruise ship. Yeah. Yeah. Ciminalize it. Yeah, yeah, ship. Yep. Agreed.

Yeah. Sing them all, baby! Yeah. Well, I hate to tell you, but it's cruise ship time again. And it's time for Cruise Ship Watch. Now if you do have to execute a whole bunch of people on a cruise, there's a little documentary by the name of Ghost Ship. I recommend that robot. And if you're under 30, that's...

Check out the movie Ghost Ship. From CNN, contagious stomach bug surges on cruise ships after years of decline. Nature is healing. Were the years of decline because there wasn't cruises? Yeah, that's right. God. It's bad enough having gastro in my own house. You didn't pay for the privilege, actually.

Yeah. You had a cruise ship bathroom, which I assume are pretty small and like you probably get seasick on there too. I'm a nightmare. No, thank you. It can't be great, can it? But maybe we're just the best experience of all time. Could be. Could be. It is for somebody. There have been 13 outbreaks of Norovirus on cruises this year, according to the US Center for Disease Control and Prevention. That's the highest number of Norovirus outbreaks on cruises recorded since 2012, with almost half of the calendar year left to go. Oh, we could be setting whole new records. How many people you reckon an outbreak of Norovirus is thiiiiiiiiiiii thi tice? tice? tice? tice? tice? ti thi thi. It is thi. It is thi. It is thi. It is thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I' thi. There's thi. There's thi. There's th. There's th. There th. There's th. There's thi. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. We's th. We' th. We' th. We' th. thi. thi. th. There's thi. There's thi. th go. Oh we could be setting a whole new record. How many people you reckon an outbreak of norovirus is taken out? Talking like 10, 50, 100? It's got to be a lot, right? How stinky is that ship getting? Do you guys remember the diarrhea train from like episode? Oh yeah, I remember the

diarrhea train? Yeah, I remember the diarrhea train? Absolutely do. A whole bunch of people on a Australian cross-country train got the Nora virus. We probably talked about it but what is it about the cruise ship that makes it spread so quickly? Oh there's just a... Is it just the sucking and fucking or just like? In one spot I think right? Like everyone's bumping up against each other on their way to sucking and fuck it? I guess so? They're just packing those cruise ships full of people. It's th, it's, it's, it's, it, it, it, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, or their, or their, or their, or their, or their, or their, or their, or their, or their, or their, or their, or their, or their, or their, or their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, thea, train, train, train, train, train, train, train, train, train, train, train, train, train, thooli's train, thooling, their thoing, their their against each other on their way to sucking and foocaul. I guess so. They're just packing those cruise ships full of people. It's too many people, that makes sense. A lot of a lot of virus is getting passed around on keys. The most recent Norovirus outbreak occurred on a Viking cruises voyage from Iceland that docked in New York City on June 20th. You're not a Viking. More Viking than taking a cruise.

Dyeriering into the ocean. 13% of passengers and several crew members fell ill on board. That's too many. Look to your left, look to your right, if you are not currently squirting diarrhea out of your ass. You will be. There is such a high density of people that. It really is, isn't it? Entirely too many. Norovirus is a highly infectious virus that causes inflammation in the stomach and intestines, a condition called acute gastroenturitis. Often labeled a stomach bug.

Norovirus is the most common cause of nausea, vomiting diarrhea and stomach pain, according to the CDC. A person can get norovirus by accidentally ingesting microscopic particles of poopy or vomit, which could happen when coming into contact with someone who's infected, consuming contaminated food or water or touching contaminate surfaces. Boy, it's a good thing I'm not trapped in the one place sharing all these other infected people. Be awkward.

You guys remember that episode that we've been, I found all those complaints on the cruise ship, like just that one cruise ship, just the one kitchen on it where like nothing was getting cleaned. Oh yeah. Yeah. We checked and somehow we figured out that no one in this kitchen has ever washed their hands. We're not talking about working here like since birth. All just sort of like putting their heads under the tap to drink from. Oh man. All those symptoms usually last only a few days, a person can be infectious over two weeks later.

Everybody caught in it down. Goodness. According to data from the CDC Vessel Sanitation Program, the number of neurovirus out-of-aise on canitrushes the number of neurovirus on cruise ships docking at U.S. ports had years of stated client after 2015. Overall rates of acute gastroenteritis on cruise ships in the US also decreased from 2006 to 2019. In response to the COVID-19 pandemic, the CDC instituted a travel health notice that recommended against cruise ship travel over safety concerns.

Was the concern about COVID or about all the fucking Norovirus? Yeah. Oh, jeez. Cruising was limited, CDC spokesperson Kathleen Conley said, and outbreaks were few as the number of passengers on board decreased. In fact, the program recorded no norovirus outbreaks in 2020 and 2021 likely due to limited cruising and updated sanitation protocols through the COVID-19 pandemic. In March 2022, though, the agency lifted that risk advisory for cruise travel, and passengers

are returning at record rates. At least 31 million passengers worldwide are expected to set sail this year, surpassing pre-pandemic levels and creating high-density environments that are ripe for transmission. Yeah. Oh, well. That's nice. I like that nature has a response to this as well. Which is, oh you wanted some diarrhea? Here you go.

Careful what you wish for. That's it. outbreaks on cruises that have over 100 passengers traveling between 3 and 21 days and went over 3% of passengers and crew report symptoms. These conditions have been met 13 times this year, up from twice in 2022. Oh boy. Four Norovirus outbreaks including a total of 449 passengers and crew members have happened aboard Royal Caribbean ships this year, the most of any individual cruise company according to... Royal Caribbean ships this year, the most of any individual cruise company, according to Cunardin. Wow, Royal Caribbean. Put that on the website, you know?

I'd be assuming I'm getting diary or if I'm going on a cruise ship, right? You'd hope so. It happens so often. Like we said, you've earned it at that point, you know. You've been putting in the work. You spend all, all year the the the the the the the year the year the year the year the year the the year the year the the the the the the the've been putting in the work. You spend all year saving up, you know, working hard. It's time to get on a boat. Get that diarrhea.

Absolutely spoiling your entire trip. I love it. Besides monitoring disease outbreaks on board, the CDC's vessel sanitation program also requires periodic illness reports from cruise ships, conducts regular unannounced inspections, and conducts training for cruise ship employees about public health. We're begging you to wash your hands. Please. Please. As precautions, the CDC advises passengers to thoroughly wash their hands, avoid contaminated food.

Great advice. Yeah, thanks. I'll just... Yeah, okay. What a stupid stupid. What is is the the the the the the the the thicicicicicicicicicicicicicicicicic. What is. What is. What is the the the the the the the the the the the the c. the c. the c. the c. the CDC. the CDC. the c. the the CDC. the CDC. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. advice. Yeah, thanks. I'll just... Yeah, okay. Why didn't I think of that? Why didn't I think of that? You're telling me this for the first time. This fucking Marge slapping the sandwich out of home as can. Like... If a passenger does become ill, Marge slapping the sandwich out of home as a can. If a passenger does become ill, Schaffner and the CDC both recommend staying in their cabins and notifying the ship's medical team immediately.

Quote, let them take over and care for you, Shafner said. Don't go out and about and spread the virus. You're having to tell them this? That is our advice to you, the listeners of the Bonte Vista podcast. Don't go out and live out. Stay home. Just stay home. Or, if you have gastro, take that cruise anyway, because it sounds like they're probably

pretty well set up for caring for you. Yeah. If everyone's already having it, it's like you'll fit right in. It's not a problem. Don't you want to be cared for? I do want to be cared for. That's fuck of being like sick when you got kids now because like, still gotta look after the kids. No one's looking after you. Oh man, yeah.

It's a whole thing, isn't it? It's an experience, I'll I I I I I I I I I I I I I I say that. And one that I'm glad that I probably won't have to repeat again. Oh, thank God. Oh, boy. If you are currently having gastro as a result of daycare or a cruise, you have our sympathy, unless you went on a cruise. In which case? Just one of them. That's what you get. That's what you get. That's what you get. And that is what we like to call an episode of the podcast, Montefiester. Thank you so much for listening. And we'll be giving you an update real soon about a bunch of new merch that's coming out.

It'll be nice, won't it? Yeah. Get yourself a nice little share to you. We'll send you the Nora virus. Yeah. you the norovirus. Yeah, we'll make sure someone, the shirt factory coughs or a beer's bathwater. Oh. No thank you. See you next time everybody. Bye bye. Bye. Bye. you