Boonta Vista - EPISODE 384: Croat Detected (with Milo Edwards)

Episode Date: February 23, 2025

Milo Edwards returns to the show to discuss: The seating arrangements of the Lynchian spectre of America's conscience and the Subways of the United Kingdom. *** Check out Milo's tour dates here: https://www.miloedwards.co.uk/live-shows *** Support our show and get exclusive bonus episodes by subscribing on Patreon: www.patreon.com/BoontaVista *** Email the show at [e-mail]! Call in and leave us a question or a message on 1800-317-515 to be answered on the show! *** Twitter: twitter.com/boontavista Website: boontavista.com Twitch: twitch.tv/boontavista Outro: Captain - Nice Biscuit

Music Hello and welcome to Buntavista. Episode 384. I am Ben, and I'm here giving a masterclass on yelling shit out to actors you spot out in public. We're gonna start pretty easy here with the fundamentals. First and most important rule, you never ever call them by their name, even if you know who they are. It always has to be some permutation of a movie title. This leads to the second and very nearly equally as important rule. It can never be an obvious choice expressed in a way that immediately makes sense. Here are a few examples of some basic sort of tried and tested fundamental techniques. Use only a part of the title.

You know, real meat and potato stuff, but it gets the job done. You see Anthony La Puglia, you yell out, hey, Owls of Gahool. You see Russell Crowe, you yell out, oh, it's Mr. Far Side of the World. Preferably you want to use the subtitle here because it'll take them a moment to figure out what you're talking about. Like Pitbull's Wario. Mr. Far Side of the World. That's right. Another one. You inexplicably choose a sequel even though the actor is in the original movie as well. You see Emilio Estevez, you go, well, well, well, if it isn't Mr. D2, the Mighty Ducks. Let's see if we can combine those two techniques.

If we see Sam Worthington at a bar, what do we yell? That's right. Yo, way of water. Way of water. Yeah, there it is. Great stuff. A little more advanced here. Getting the name of the movie a bit wrong.

Let's have a second crack at Russell Crowe. How about this time we try, my god, it's Master of Commander Wasn't that fun? Little more advanced again Try a movie that that actor wasn't in Maybe if we see say Richard E. Grant we could yell out. Hey, Bridget Jones Still with me. Let's try something even more advanced. Yelling out the name of a movie that doesn't exist.

Oh wow, it's Sigourney Weaver. What are we yelling? That's right. Hey, over here. Yeah. Hey, hey, Mrs. Petunia's school for dogs. All right.

Now let's see if we can put that knowledge into practice. Andrew, you've just seen Keanu Reeves. What are you yelling at him? Point Dawn. Oh yeah, that's good. Theo, you've just seen Owen Wilson. Hey, I heard Idiocracy was a documentary. Yep, sure, that'll do it a pitch.

And Milo, you've just seen Dame Judi Dench. Why are we yelling at her? Hey, the James Bond Marigold Hotel over here. Yeah, there we go. Perfect. I'm in favor of yelling at actors, so I do support this. My problem is that I have a mental block with names. So I'm just going like, ah, it's fucking, ah, ah, ah. You're not able to do the first step, which is getting the actual information, which then precludes you from doing the second step, which is twisting the information.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say Theo, actually, you're perfectly set up for this. You know, you just, you just yell out any movie. Anything. That's true if you got rid of the intervening step you just go straight to Doing it correctly, which is incorrect way. You should just follow the midwit bell curve this it's like Theo is you know

He's achieving the same results as someone who's very good at all of your yeah I'm on the I'm not knowing who the actor is of the tail. Yeah, gonna raise a dog knife Swish so much easier than remembering that I've been doing this my whole life Yeah, it turns out you might actually spiritually be from New Jersey I'm not just like a real New Jersey type behavior to me to like yell out by the title of a movie slightly My friends are Savan. He can't remember the title of a movie slightly incorrectly. My friends are Savant. He can't remember the name of a single movie. It's got a gift.

Some kind of genius. What I hold at your neck is the Gomchabba. If you remember a movie title. Theo's mind remaining perfectly blank. You've got to keep saying movie titles that are slightly wrong. The Lake House Reloaded. They should have made that. That one's also for Keanu Reeves.

I think maybe this is why I'm so obsessed with the movie Cube. Because you can remember it. Because I can remember it. It's got four letters, just like the number of sides in a cube. It's perfectly proportionate. Well, and also the very simple single word name of the movie also describes the concept of the film theater. It's so easy.

I'm, I've spent a very long time wondering which movie is it follows and which movie is insidious. I've just seen it follows very easy to remember. Very descriptive. Very descriptive as to the content of that movie yeah yeah it follows was the first ever horror movie about Socratic Ilencus see this is you've got a lower tone of what you're doing because none of us really we we're kind of simple now walk us through this public school means something different here too

yeah yeah yeah we're not learning latin they don't freaking teach you that shit at your Public school means something different here too. Yeah. We're not learning Latin. Teacher that shit at your Reagan state high school. I'll tell you that much for free. They're trying to teach kids English in Australia. If you're an actor and someone yelled out, Hey dog knife at you, you might say, what the, we explore other things that make you say what the in our tried and true segment, what the?

Right now though, it's what the! Did Rove go to the UK? I don't think we ever sent Rove to the UK. Did we send him like an ambassador, a comedy ambassador? Like at the end of his career? Have you encountered rove at all, Milo? People have mentioned him to me, but I don't think I've ever seen actual footage. Well, he's back on primetime TV, which is very funny.

And in a big way. Looking more and more like Ellen Degeneres with every passing year. There, he's Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen DeGeneres is like a state of entropy that all Australian comedians reach. It's the UV. It's that UV index. It gets you. Triple gold logy winner. So he was the host of one of our biggest sort of Letterman-style talk shows.

And then he disappeared into obscurity and then 20 years later looking almost exactly the same except with a Weird pearlescent sheen to his skin. He's now on the the permanently I think a host of one of our biggest sort of like panel news shows It's very strange. Oh, there you go. Is that the project? He's on the project now Yeah, the arc of history is long, but it bends towards being Sam Torton's colleague and looking like Ellen DeGeneres. Have you got people working on getting you on the project for what you're touring?

Yeah, because I know a producer there, but they haven't gone back to me. So if you work on the project and you're, and you're listening to this, nothing but good things to say. I believe Alex Lee is a, a permanent host on there as well. And she has been on this show as well. We're on Hing. Hing's been on the show and he was on there for ages. There you go.

We're so, why aren't we on the project? Yes. Do we say project or project in Australia? Cutting it up with Pete Hellyer, you know? Yeah. Is it that we are less talented than Pete Hellyer? Is it that we're not at all famous? Yeah.

Is that maybe the biggest obstacle? Oh no, but you're famous to internet secos, which is the best kind of being famous. That's where the big money is. Here's the other thing about us. Here's the other thing about us. Here's the other thing about us. We keep it real. Yes.

Yeah, that's true. We do keep it too real. DIY, punk aesthetic. No advertisers here to get mad at us when we say stuff about Roaf McMatters looking like old degenerates. Honestly, I think it would probably be better for us to have advertisers who do get mad at us

because the first step of us getting flack for the things we've done is probably getting arrested for the numerous death threats we've made to high profile people. Advertisers are kind of like a canary in the mine. General problems that you might have. Before the DOJ gets you on a flight to South America. Maybe what we need to be doing is get some advertisers, see what makes them mad, and then we can go through a process of shaving down our hard

edges into a shape that is slot-inable to the project. Yeah, you might say selling out, we say more refined. Yes, selling up. Nudge theory for podcasting. How do you make a diamond? By just sort of sanding a piece of coal, I think. Making a piece of coal nice and smooth. Doing one of those things where you get an agency to just pull in your advertisers and you're finding out as you're recording the episode, you're like, right, our advertisers

this week are Elbit Systems, uh, childporn.com. Oh, yeah. It's like based on your content. We have assigned you. Big, big ad drop from the anti-circumcision ad. All right. Guess we're anti-circumcision now. I didn't want to land on an opinion, but you know, if we take four against.

This is from KPNX in Phoenix, Arizona. Traffic halt in surprise. Lawn chair with a man in a cowboy hat raises questions after crash. Okay. Now, can we be honest with you? I might've put my emphasis a bit weird throughout that to make that as confusing as possible Yeah, I'm gonna try and give you a line region a bit more clarity traffic halt in surprise

Lawnchair with a man in a cowboy hat raises questions after crash Hmm now surprise is a place surprise Arizona Now, surprise is a place. Surprise Arizona. Oh, okay. This is one of those fun little word puzzles that you unpack piece by piece. Why have they made it sound like the lawn chair is the animate thing rather than the person? Like a lawn chair in possession of a man in a cowboy hat.

Yeah. Wouldn't you say man in a cowboy hat in a Lord chair or on a Lord chair? Say his position relative to the Lord chair, because he is sort of, I guess it's a very human centric view, but to me he is the more dominant. Unless he's like dead. Or he's being ratatouille'd by the Lord chair. Or it's a really interesting chair. Yeah, lawnatouille.

That's right. This man didn't know how to sit at all before he got on the lawn chair. Lawn to a sit on that thing. Sorry. Jesus fucking Christ. It's very early. We apologize to our advertisers. We can still make this a bonus episode I think.

A crash in Surprise is blocking a major intersection, according to the Arizona Department of Transportation. ADOT, A-DOT, said the crash at Grand and 163rd Avenue in Surprise is blocking intersection. In footage from an A-DOT camera, a man is seen wearing a cowboy hat and sitting in a lawn chair next to a car that appears to have been involved in the crash. It is unclear if the man was involved in the crash. No further information has been provided. Yes. Okay.

We've got a, we've got like a David Lynchie inspector. I don't know what he signifies. Do you think he's like, oh, maybe he's a shadow of America's conscience? I think it might be a shadow of America's conscience? I think it might be a shadow of America's conscience. Something there. From a pre pre-modernization of America, looking over what's happened. Yeah. So looking at the violence of this crash.

Yeah, the chairs so he stays comfortable. Yeah. You'd want a lawn chair for that kind of contemplation. Yes. It is. Like from looking at an image of this situation, he's just right next to an open door from the car that just crashed in a way that a hundred percent suggests he was in the crash and is now sitting down because he's an old man who was in a car crash.

Oh, okay. I thought it might suggest that the crash had sort of ejected him plus lawn chair. And in the air, both combined in the ultimate combination. The crash had sort of ejected him plus lawn chair. And in the air, both combined in the ultimate combination. Rube Goldberg style ejector seat type thing, where when he's driving, he has a folded lawn chair strapped to him that in the event that he's thrown from the vehicle, it will unfold midair, like spring loaded and he'll land in it safely. Hey, can I, can I put forward a controversial view? I know we're only just into the episode.

Can I put something, it might upset some people. Yeah. I think the lawn chair is one of the most comfortable chairs you can get. Why are we not putting it like, why are we not sitting at it for dinner? A lawn chair? In front of our dinner table. The height's wrong. What is this ideal male living space chair you've got? Yeah.

A launch chair? In front of our dinner table. What is this ideal male living space chair you've got going? Yeah. Is it a folding table? Oh yeah, hang on. I've got my 50 inch TV. Is it like a folding dinner table? No, the dinner table doesn't have to fucking fold. I'm talking about the chair.

The launch chair doesn't have the upright posture required for sitting at a table. I don't give a shit. My back is fucked. I can't be leaning back like that. No, you need to be like high back, shoulders up. Sorry, I'm a little bit spicy. I'm a little bit punchy this episode. I'm a real eat upright at the table guy. My girlfriend loves like eating off the lap on the sofa. I can't do it. It's stressful. We don't even have a dining table in our house where we are a hundred percent of the time we are eating on the couch watching something.

Although you're gonna say we don't have a dining table or a couch to sit on to watch the TV that we don't have. Yeah. That's right. Our house is empty and we sleep on the floor. We have one lawn chair and we take turns. We eat out of a can of beans watching the street from the one window. That's street life.

They call that Queensland TV, baby. That's right. I was going to say, so this crash was presumably attended by the, the surprise police department. Yes. And I was just thinking about the surprise police department. They do like a door raid on someone's house. Do they have to yell, surprise police department?

Surprise PD! Breaking the door! Just putting a little comma in there? Surprise! I think we're two thirds of the way to a manageable skit. Yeah. We're like, no, the surprise is the name of the town. We weren't saying surprise. Yeah. If we said surprise twice, then that would be us saying surprise. Now again, if you do know a producer from the project, we would be willing to like shape

this up and do it live on air for the Australian people. We can package this and sell it. Yeah. They say had Silla Black working for them. Surprise, surprise, police. Anyway, great one for your Australian. This is also, I think, the third time we've had a pass at working on surprise as the confusion between the regular word and the town. And I think we're really going to perfect it at

some point. Yeah. I've forgotten every single time. So. You, yes, that is certainly true. Because of the brain damage. That joke might not be perfect yet. And there's another thing that's often not perfect. The Subway sandwich. It's time for Subwaych.

Ooh, it's chilly out there. Hey. Sorry, I know you're closing soon, but can I get a, um... A, uh... A footlong? No. Meatball? No. Toasted? No. Sandwich? Um, a, uh, a foot long meatball toasted sandwich salad dressing. No cookie.

No subway. Fuck you. This episode brought to you by the subway. Jared release campaign. I don't know where they're fighting these guys, but they are paying us pretty well. He's got great lawyers that guy. For some reason, so I watched, I watched It Follows. Sorry, only like three things happened in my life in a month.

So that's all I have to talk about. One movie in the last nine months. This reminds me of It Follows. Real It Follows vibes. So I've been watching It Follows over the last week. It's a hundred minutes long. This is now fucked my schedule is in between. I keep thinking it follows, but the demon is Jared Ftogle.

Is it pre weight loss or post weight loss, Jared? I think post weight loss, which means at some point. He's in one leg of the big trousers, like hopping towards you, holding them out to demonstrate how big they are. He doesn't have any other trousers. I don't know about you guys, but I always feel there was something weird about that guy. Like there was something wrong with him. There was something weird.

There was like something kind of off about that dude. I don't know. Ben, no, no, they're sponsoring the podcast We got no, I'm sure he's a nice enough guy. I'm gonna lose the deal This from prison. Yeah, yeah something odd. He proved that you could lose weight by eating delicious subway sandwiches Which there's no fucking way that's true either. I've looked at the fucking the things the numbers Which is what in Christ's name were you eating before, my dude? Yeah, and also the thing that's weird about him

that you might notice is- I regret starting this. Is that it's like when, you know how in Wes Anderson movies, he always makes the cut of the pants like higher than the boot line. Cause that's how he wears his pants, wears Anderson and also kind of gives like an uptight anxious energy to their dress. You might notice that Subway Jared's jeans are actually not the right size.

Also, he was a known child pornographer. Oh, I knew it was something. The jeans are the wrong size. Yeah. Oh, I'm glad we made that one explicit. Hey, uh, this is the segment where I go through and find a very representative, perfectly measured mix of reviews from Subway locations. Now this time, uh, given that we have, uh, also the intro that we did didn't really give

you a proper introduction, but we have Milo Edwards on that's who's been talking this whole time. Oh yeah, it's me. Hi. His name's right there in the other leg of subway Jared's trousers. Our arms are around each other's shoulders, court appointed jeans filler for Jared. I also enjoy that. That whenever we start talking about subway, Jared, I'm like,

I'm going to go to the subway. I'm going to go to the subway. I'm going to go to the subway. I'm going to go to the subway. I'm going to go to the subway. I'm going to go to the subway. I'm going to go to the subway. I'm going to go to the subway.

I'm going to go to the subway. I'm going to go to the subway. I'm going to go to the subway. I'm going to go to the Jared. I also enjoy that whenever we start talking about Subway Jared, Ben puts on a fucking hullabaloo about suddenly the show's too obscene. We're not pro Jared. That's a different guy. Fuck me. So this week, all of the Sub subway reviews are from jolly old England. All right, mate. Can I get a meatball marina?

Fuck. I thought because we have someone here who is from England, it would be really fun to have these read out by Andrew. What you want what you want is a is a completely pitch perfect yes accent you know when Kira Knightley does like an American accent you forget that she's British yes oh god I've never had a six-inch before. What's a BMT? Alan Partridge? I just don't know. What is that? Keira Knightley doing Alan Partridge.

Right then, off for a wank. Hey, it's time for some reviews of British Subway. Didn't even ask what I wanted on my sub, just dumped some salad on while I was paying and didn't ask a single question about what salad or sauces I wanted. This is no joke. How many reviews of Subway do you think we've read over the last couple of weeks, Ben? 10,000 to 15,000. Somewhere in that ballpark, I think. subway do you think we've read over the last couple of weeks, man? 10,000 to 15,000.

Enough for it to suddenly become an entrenched segment on the show. There's something though, right? There's something that undergirds all of these and it's weird to see that it, it transcends borders. There is a web way of misery that connects all of the subways on Earth. And one of the key things that links all of them is that often they don't care what you want and they realise they can just put whatever they want on there and you'll still pay for it. And then you say, that's not what I wanted and they go, I don't fucking care.

I don't give a fucking shit. Yeah. I don't give a fuck, man. Yeah, I don't give a fuck man every subway built on a leyline Yes, an evil leyline. Not a good leyline visited today Customer service was horrible. The person who server me was asking irrelevant things But what hey, what's your star side? Where do you live?

Size of those jeans. How do you get them tied around your waist like that? Where'd you get your glasses from? Those are nice. How old is that boy? The raid one or the raid two? Seeing subway chowder and going, hey, here's the raid two over here. The staff was not as helpful as the other subways I went to.

Plus I spilt a meatless meatball on my top to make things worse. That's not their fault. A meatless meatball. They do like a vegetarian meatball. It's got to be like a soy or... A bear at that point. Yeah. Impossible balls. There is it. Impossibles, what I would call. Yeah, believe they are impossible Yeah, yeah, that's what that's what they give you when you have the testicular cancer operation

Oh, and they pop the latex one in Impossible it is this little pop I would I'd definitely take the prosthetic one, right? Cause you could not have one if you don't feel like it. You can just have a single. Where's the fun in that? You can have a single, but like why put yourself out in one? Yeah. Um, I'm interested though. This woman says this was the worst subway location she's been to, but it was kind of implied that she had gone to several that day, like a mystery shopper.

Staff was not as helpful as the other subways I went to. Yeah. The tents does make it so like she's gone subway to subway. Not yet! 10 in a day. She's in the trouser leg of Big Jared. There is something truly fucked about spilling a meatball sub on your shirt though, right? Like that's a kind of, that's a go home, try again tomorrow kind of situation, right? Oh, you're not writing out like the second half of your day at the office with like meatball

sauce all over your shirt. With a shirt full of meatball? You get fired. Absolutely not. Yeah. Your bosses be like, well, we're not going to give them any more projects, right? Because they look at them. They have marinara on their shirt.

Telling people you got knifed. Yeah, I get very O5. Telling people I got knifed rather than admit spilling a meatball sub down myself. Also there was an actual meat crime. There's a t-shirt. I got stabbed at Subway. And it would be by one of the people making the sub, that's the thing. Yeah, because I ordered something so baroque that they refused to make it.

But everyone there also seems to be completely immune from consequence as well. Like last time, I think we established that there was like main characters at these stores and they continue to be there. Every year. Despite like not fulfilling any of the central tenets of their job. People like, I got the mean lady again. Yeah. And going like, these aren't, I don't think these are people that work here. Not to say that people at work service aren't people, but more that, again,

these are like demons crawling out of the, out of the under earth to man these subways as like a, uh, something, some sort of, I don't know, Hades make work program. I have a theory about this actually, which is that it's like something to do with franchised businesses. And you really, I've come to appreciate how good of a franchise business McDonald's is because every McDonald's you go into is the same. It's beautiful, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whereas like Burger King, Subways, and even in the UK, post offices are franchised and also like the little supermarkets that you get in town, like in town centers as opposed to the big supermarkets. Those are franchised. And the way those businesses are run is crazy. Like there's a little Sainsbury's opposite our office that just like never has any chocolate or like the chocolate it has is like random. Like it will just randomly have like one bar of chocolate on the shelf on its side. In a way I'm like, what is this? I some global chocolate shortage that is only affecting this one supermarket every neighboring supermarket has chocolate in it This one's like no, there's none to be had. Do you want half a bar of dairy milk? There it is And there's always something crazy going on. No, it's a place. I I agree

I think the like a being a franchisee is like a pressure cooker for your psyche. Because you've got to go in with money, right? And then you've got to make this thing hum, or you're bankrupt. But you're now the captain of a ship that sucks. Yeah. And you've got a ton of pressure to make it work, but within the confines of a bad system you've been given. Yes. I would say whenever I find a really fertile Subway for bad reviews, it's very clearly a franchise that's going very poorly because you have no idea how many reviews I've seen

where someone's like, oh, the manager at this one just won't take coupons. Like if there's a national deal at Subway, it'll be like, nah. The manager at this one bursts into tears when you talk to him. Theo, how about this though, for a theory? What if, what if in fact the subway workers themselves aren't evil? What if the subways are the portals to some kind of dark dimension and the workers at Subway are the ones keeping them at bay and it's a thankless job and they got to put up with that shit and they're gonna make these losers their sandwiches and you know what someone comes in and says I want the BLT with lettuce but I don't want this sauce on it and you've been busy like, you know doing

Conjuring and keeping dark forces back and somebody asks for their sandwich done, right? You just don't really fucking care. You know, yeah, I do agree in the sense that Yes, subways are obviously hell mouths Yes, they are the gaping war to the underworld. But I, I, I'm just gonna have to differ in opinion on this one, Andrew. That I think that they're, they're showing up. Maybe they're not evil, but they have been getting their fingernails pulled out. Every day by like, uh, some sort of, uh, demon or goblin.

Yes. And arriving to work to put toppings on a sandwich is just not on their mind right now. It's just boring. I think the fact that we can have conversations like this, even though we disagree with each other, Yes. means we're ready for the project. It's so important that we get on the project. It's balanced.

Put all of us on the project at the same time. Yeah. At prime time. All from different locations as well. The four of us, two pairs of Jared's jeans. That's right. We've got a divest. One leg each baby. Much like Subway had to, we need to distance ourselves from Jared. I was just going to say that as a true Subway had to we need to distance ourselves from Jared. I was just going to say that as a, as a true subway sufferer, I noticed that, uh, Andrew in his, in his mock subway order suggested ordering a BLT, which reveals him as a non-subway head. We've discussed this in great detail. Big meaty tasty, which is the most fucked up.

He's just got it on tap. The meats that they have, they don't even have the initials that add up to BMT. It's like ham is one of them. What the fuck are you doing? Okay, first of all, bigger media tastier. Bigger media tastier, wow. And they do have a BLT in the US and from what I can see here, the Philippines. Random. Right. So my miss speaking is valid somewhere. Thank you. Yeah. Yes. And also

the Czech Republic, Czechia, they got the BLT there as well. Do we have any, do we have any reviews from? I have not looked at subway reviews. That was fun when the Czech Republic rebranded itself. Briefly. Have they? Because I'm not certain about it. No, they did. And then they were like, you know what? Hasn't caught on. Oh, like trying out a new nickname and no one else's. They're like, oh, call us Chechia. And everyone's like, no, but we don't want it. Yeah. I find it really funny when things try and be like woke adjacent, but there's no politics to them. It's like the Czech Republic is like, oh, we'd like to be called Czechia now.

And that's sort of like pronouns, so you have to do it. And everyone was like, no, it isn't. It's quite like that. It's different. We call loads of countries different things to what they call them in the country. That's just normal. That's just languages. That's how they work.

Oh man. There's a whole Wikipedia entry for name of the Czech Republic. Is there like a one or two set of summaries? I feel like it's coming down on one side or the other already. Is it good or okay? There's Czech language name, the varieties of Czech language name, English language name, French language name, Latin language name, adoption of Chechia and Siolso. Do you reckon the Roman Catholic Empire were talking a lot about

Czech, the Czech Republic? The Holy Roman Empire? The Holy Roman Empire? No, that's Austria. They, what am I thinking? I bet the French name is something like Les Bouffant du Socis or something. That's the one that we're really keen to get rid of. Bouffant, I think, means clown.

Yeah, the sausage clown. Again, public school. Very. Oh, that's good. Thank you for explaining. So if you are, if you're a smart person, you got to laugh at that joke good. Thank you for explaining. So if you're a smart person, you got to laugh at that joke early. Yeah, before we did, it's like the speed of sound versus the speed of voice.

Yeah. I mean, like my French isn't great. I'm gonna nail my cut of the master. That was pretty basic French. But you get to say my French. I don't think anyone who speaks French would be impressed by that. I think anyone in Australia would be

because we are a simple monolingual frequently people. Yeah, guys who don't speak French are impressed by it. So I'm interested in the reviews from the Czech Republic because I have spent a few days in Prague on our honeymoon. And the way that they describe the, um, the staff at these subways is like the baseline for the Czech Republic. Everybody looks like they're there under the pain of death. They suffer you, uh, only, only marginally. I'll tell you what, um, this is a real thing. If you listen to this podcast and you speak Czech, uh, and you were happy to spend a lot of time going through some reviews, translating some reviews,

this is a paid translating language. They'd be in a different language because of where it is. This would be a paid job finding bad subway reviews. I don't want to fucking Google translate this shit because there's, you know, nuances that are lost. Very bad subway does not have beer. Well, they probably do. I bet they're licensed. Yeah, well, that's why it's the bad review because they're supposed to.

Did you discover that Czech subway is still using Jared? He's a very funny man. He wear one leg of trousers. Why is the trousers so big? It's very silly. Slovakia is like, I don't know why they're doing that. That's why we separated. It's got the photo of him on the wall signed. He's been to that location. They have been protesting, but it's a bring back fat Jared. Why you miserly Jared? Why not the joyful Jared? Very funny. Very funny. Oh, that'd be very fun.

A guy who thinks that he's lost his word ofdreif because he's not indulging anymore. Yep. Yeah. He was indulging, brother. Oh, fuck me. All right. We've got three reviews into this enormous list so far. This is so long you have no idea. Brad undercooked! And parentheses.

Lunchtime! And parentheses. Filling incipit! And parentheses, lunchtime. And parentheses, filling in sippid. Filling in sippid. Brad undercourts. Yeah, like Jared Fogle in those jeans. Filling in sippid. Filling in sippid. Very slow and they save too much on meat. You can barely feel the taste of meat.

Now we don't have to all drop in at once. Enough about women I've dated. This subway is awful. We don't need to hear from them. This subway is awful. Turkey was red. Interesting. Yeah, that's kind of tricky actually. Ripping the guts out of a turkey right in front of you. It does sound a lot like the ham, doesn't it? Maybe she thought that the T's did for turkey and that's why she was confused. It's bacon, meat and turkey. That's right. Bacon meaty turkey.

There were ants inside of my meatball sub. Full stop and then in all caps, Edeot sandwich. I-D-E-O-T sandwich. Edeot. Edeot sandwich. I wonder if they were doing the Gordon Ramsay bit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, maybe. That would be hard to do at Subway unless you had a very long face like a horse.

But if they are doing the Gordon Ramsay thing and they're saying idiot sandwich and there were ants inside of the sandwich and they say the ants are the idiots. Didn't let me leave D shop. LOL. The LOL really elevates it I think. What do you mean? Leave D shop letter D. Yeah.

Leave D shop lol. It didn't let me leave the shop lol. They trapped you in there and you're laughing about it. Nervous laughter. Yeah. Are you still in there? Did you post this review from inside to subway? Wear my big trousers, then you'll be in.

Just seen a headline here. Desperate Jared Fogel calls on Trump in latest bid to get out of prison. That's from 2018. I wonder if that worked. Look, it's definitely the most pro-pedophile presidency that they've had in a very long time currently. Yeah, openly, I guess. Have you seen this guy?

He's got huge trousers. He can't, he's in one leg. They're so big, he's in one leg. He's hopping. He's hopping away, subway Jared. He had so much subway, he got thin actually. No one thought it could be done. But he ate the bacon meaty turkey every day. And it made him thin. It made him so thin. People were like Jared we can't see you. You've turned Subway's. It's so thin.

Just Googling what kind of Subway did Jared eat? Well it had to be one of the ones that had nothing on it. Yeah. Yeah. Fogel changed his eating habits upon the switch to eating at Subway, replacing his 10,000 calorie per day food consumption. 10,000 calories per day. I'm no gym guy, but that's a lot, right?

I have no idea and I don't want to find out. No one tell me what the actual numbers are. Not interested. I think. I think, and don't ask me why I know this, but they say that like Royal Marines commandos on operations eat 6,000 calories per day. And that's like when you're like walking 30 miles a day carrying gear. So I think 10,000 calories a day for just like a guy is probably a recipe for weight

gain. But he was carrying those jeans. Climbing up trees. Looking into people's windows. But he replaced this with one small turkey sub and one large veggie sub, along with some baked potato chips and diet soda totaling about 2,000 calories. He should be talking to Trump about diet coke. That's where they can make the connection. Did that say Ponder Store?

Is that like Ponder Floor, the major laser song? In the review? In the review? No, they said leave the shop. So you've won for three Turns out you were just thinking about a song Honestly like sounds and thoughts and like signifies just going my head and bouncing all the way out like the DVD menu Tonight they wouldn't let me leave the shop. They were yelling a major laser

menu tonight. They wouldn't let me leave D shop. They were yelling, hey, major laser. Leave D shop. Yeah. Now just to switch it up a little, not only the worst subway, but worst food I've ever experienced. Meatball marinara had no marinara.

I can only guess they washed the meatballs. Shocking. That's your only guess? You should have several guesses. Did you wash these meatballs madam? How bad did you? That's so crazy I just gotta ask you washed these meatballs? Well in Italy you leave the meatball in the sauce, it permeates with the sauce and then you rinse off the excess sauce. You don't want it too much. You want it a little bit dry. And then you put on the Thousand Island. Oh, you said you want a meatball marinara. I thought you said you wanted perfectly dry

meatball sandwich. Yeah. I want my meatballs clean. I want them bone dry. I liked that voice though. It was like perfect Telegraph columnist voice. Yeah. Very Chris Morris. I've gone to Subway with my godson. I've been forced to have some kind of abomination called a BMT. What does it stand for? Nobody knows. Woodgiver Zero tried contacting them and one of the workers barked and howled at me.

And I called in the first place because they gave us a raw chicken breast. I need people... Raw chicken? Where are you getting chicken breast from? Did you accidentally go... On the side? Did you accidentally go to a cave with wolves in it? Are they just unwrapping their subway and it's just a raw chicken breast like the fucking seven body parts for Blair Witch.

There's no bread in there. It's just raw chicken. It's a message. Yeah. I can't believe that a subway location has a phone. That's crazy. Yeah. What are you calling subway about? Oh, you got a table for two, mate? You guys got sandwiches? Oh yeah. I'll be there at nine. Big recurring theme in the reviews is that even if they have a phone, no one ever answers it. No one ever answers. Or the moment you start complaining, they just hang up.

Or this one sounds like bad vibes. Bang! No! Boring! Sorry mate, I've got meatballs to wash. I can't feel it. Putting them through the industrial dishwasher out the back. Like they've sent the apprentice out the back.

He's like, all right, everything's done. What do I do now? I'll fucking wash the meatballs. Wash the meatballs. Yeah. Oh, you got them on the hand screwdriver? You gotta wash the meatballs. Wash the meatballs and then put them back in the marinara.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like I forgot to do something about that. Go down to the catering supplies and get the striped marinara sauce. This review is entirely in upper case. Workers do not clean their hands after smoke breaks. Our sandwich stunk and tasted of cigarettes. Most foul experience. An experience most foul. A little bit of smoke flavour I think is actually desirable in some foods. A little bit of depth. That should be part of the meal deal at Subway, just like a Marlborough Gold.

A single loose cigarette. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like a Pepsi max of Marlborough gold and a BMT, a washed meatball. A meal in every pot and a cigarette and every six inch. Smoking it through the sandwich, using the sandwich is like a big filter.

Ordered my sandwich with an older ladies with blonde hair and an attitude of a teenager. Told her my order and she rolled her eyes and gave me a disgusted look. This is horrendous. That's subway. Yes. Yeah. That's what that is. That's classic subway.

You said a dog shit order and the person went off. Fuck's sake. Fuck this guy. You fucking loser. With your fucking stupid sandwich for an idiot to enjoy stuff were rude spent ages floated with the customers in front of me and then refused to listen to what other toppings I wanted in my sandwich then just rolled their eyes and turned away and chatted to each other when I tried to say I didn't want the things they had put in. Classic.

Perfect subway experience. So they're just, they're like, no, we prefer to guess what toppings you would like. Sorry, we won't listen to any input. If you could just put it, and they're just like, oh, this fucking guy. All of these conjure such an image of saying like, so I'd like, I'd like lettuce, red onion, no olives. And this person's like holding eye contact with you while they just grab handfuls of whatever and slap. They're not even looking at the containers. They're grabbing whatever and throwing it onto your sandwich. And then you say, actually, that's not what I wanted.

And they just turn away. Yeah. It's like one of those pretentious restaurants where like the chef won't do your well-done steak or whatever It's like they're coming out and they're like it's like a six-year-old boy who doesn't want any salad on his yes washed meatball sandwich The subway chef is I know you could have fucking gherkins and calamar olives because the Acidity and salt brings out the flavor to man, which you would fucking understand if you weren't a cretin. The marinara sauce really drowns out the meatballs. Yeah, you need the delicate flavour of the meatballs to come through.

If you don't fucking like it, go to Greg's. Fuck off. Yeah. The staff member that served me and my girlfriend was an absolute joke. Didn't listen to what we were saying to him. And when I said I want a Caesar, he stood and looked at me and said, Caesar, basically questioning me as to what I wanted. Was he sat down previously? I've never seen anyone sat down in subway behind there. It's

very much a standing job. It's not really a chair there. Imagine saying what you want. And then the person just dead eyes you and repeats it back. I would break. I would break him immediately under pressure. I would snap like a twig. You would immediately go,

oh, whatever you think is good. Yeah. That's fucking right, mate. Yeah, guy works at right, mate. Yeah. Guy works at Subway, but he brings his own lawn chair. Your employees must learn how to behave like humans. The one we came across behaved as if he were mentally ill and looked so threatening as if he is mad in the head.

I think he should be sent to mental asylum for treatment and Subway should learn how to hire employees. Act with decent sophistication as a business Subway. What are you running a business or a mad house? First of all, clearly they don't need to learn how to behave because he's still working there. He's still there. He's still working there. They're still the biggest chain of restaurants in the world. It seems to be working for them. Yeah. Tis I, Ebenezer Scrooge, that I've been most disappointed by a visit to your subway

emporium. Oh man, act with decent sophistication is such a funny thing to say to subway. Act with decent sophistication as a business subway, comma. The comma is not before subway. A business subway. Decent sophistication. That is very partridge actually. I'm thinking specifically of you should have at least a basic grasp of Latin to work at Curry's. The boy named path is very arrogant. He was acting weird towards me and my friends when we asked for a meal. He was rude and made faces while serving us. I really don't like his behavior. The boy named path is very arrogant. It's like peculiarly like fantasy setting phrasing of it. Absolutely.

100%. Yeah, very well. It's short for shining path. There is a boy in this village. He's got a bit of a history. You don't want to piss him off. Let me tell you. Last night, there was sick all over the floor, which the subway staff weren't making quick efforts to clear up a

Girl offered to clear it up, but she was clearly intoxicated and they let her do it despite this Gave her the mop and gloves and watched her clean it up. This is surely against hygiene rules Why why is a drunk person? Who's just at subway? Why, why is a drunk person who's just at Subway volunteering to clean up the sick like Subway Batman? Like what? It's got to be their own, right? Like you wouldn't volunteer under any other circumstances. Surely they'd make that connection in the review though. Like I like, I like getting hammered, comma. When I get hammered, I should say, I like helping people, you know, I like doing things for people. I like going to get someone a drink. I like going on little missions, that kind of thing. I

like making myself useful. I can't imagine though, putting my hand up to clean up the stranger's puke in a subway late night. Let me clean up this sicky it's me kink. I love it. Oh, I love the smell. Sorry, love. You can't have the bucket. We're using it to wash the meatballs. That's a vital part of the subway infrastructure. Is there something else I found out that I think maybe is specific to the UK? I don't know, Milo, maybe you can speak to this, but this was one of a bunch of subways

that were in towns that it seems like young people go to to get fucked up, where they would have subways that were open until like four in the morning. And so people would have like a big night out and then go to subway, which is an alien idea in Australia. I don't think anyone's like, I'm fucked. Let then go to Subway, which is an alien idea in Australia. I don't think anyone's like, I'm fucked. Let's go to fucking Subway, get a fucking sandwich. Surely it's like the 4am trip to the McDonald's. Yeah.

They go in the middle of the farm. You've got to have fries for me to be going there at 4am. Wow. Yeah. I'm not being like, and a cookie. But what about like a, what about like a kebab or something? Oh, kebab makes sense. This doesn't make any fucking sense.

Same general ingredients, right? You got the bread around the side, you've got some meat and stuff, an under-surning drunk surely going to like, you know, I just think of all the places like the McDonald's at the base of the walk down from McWherters in the valley. It's a destination. But yeah, to explain the thing about the subways, cause I've actually had a subway like while drunk late at night. It's um, and I sort of agree with you, but what you need to understand is how

fucked the United Kingdom is. Cause there are like, there are so many, especially once you get outside of a major city, if you're in like a town and you're going out somewhere, there will be like one late night food thing. And if there's not one late night food thing, quite often a company like Subway will be like, we can corner the market here because there is no kebab shop. There is no McDonald's that's open past 10 p.m. So we're going to pay a Sri Lankan man who has just arrived in the UK, below the living wage, to interact with some of the drunkest and most violent men in the West Midlands all

night long. And he's also got to wash the meatballs. Well, this subway, the one that the woman cleaning up somebody else's vomit review came from, had two security guards. They were complaints specifically about the security guards of the reviews as well. So like definitely a security guard. Yeah. The other one only told nice about, I couldn't get in the front door and they're only wearing

one pair of trousers between them. They had a 4am subway in Mackay as well I should note. What? Yeah, I have lined up several times. I don't think anyone went to it any other time, but at 4am when all the clubs are closing, it's like we'll line up out the door. Alright boys, we're on the home stretch here. We're into the last three reviews and I notice Ben that these seem to be getting more insane as they go. Yeah. So here we go.

Number three. The first time that I come here and I find the girl so impolite she asked me which bread do I want? I say either Italian or herb Italian, one that is white. She said that all are white. Not at all. It's clear this woman is not a sandwich lover, capital S, capital L, as I am. When you love sandwiches, a key part is the bread.

It needs to be taste. And in the condition you want, in my my case I like the most white bread possible from the range they have and not all breads are white as she says when she Opened the tray it's clear. There are some difference in the level of more white more brown Whenever I have go to bakeries they have never have a problem to check for me which bread is the most white I Ask her to pick the one second from the right fifth layer. She said all are the same and then picked one randomly. I told her the one I told her was the one I wanted, one that was much whiter. Only for this I was about to say to her to leave it. I will find other places. Then she leave the chicken tikka all concentrated in the middle instead of spreading it. There is a great difference

in a sandwich where the ingredients are all in one side to when they are well spread. The name of this woman is Lydia. I won't go back to this place when this woman is here. This woman, this man is a, is a sandwich expert. I think he also kind of went through the like Bosnian civil war or something. I was going to say what I enjoyed the most about it was that the fucked up way that he was writing sentences and the way in which every sentence, it changed in a sort of, in an unpredictable way, forced Andrew's accent to change with it.

He kept making like, he kept moving into like cadences of different kind of non-native English speakers from like different parts of Europe. And Andrew was being forced to adapt. I want to know this man from a distance. This sort of obsession with whiteness seems to come from an unhealthy place to me. That's... Yeah, Croat detected.

Making people at the local bakery break open every roll and loaf to show me how white inside. Now, woman working at shop was probably slow being discussed. Skull shape very bad. Bloodline very impure. Tito would not have allowed this. Second last review. Now I'm going to try and read this as it's written and the way it is written is title case. The first

letter of every word has been capitalized. Oh the lingua franca of the insane person, the soviet citizen, the telegraph commentator. It's so much more work hey because you can't just like make yourgraph commentator. It's so much more work, hey. Cause you can't just like make your computer do that. There's no setting for that. You're holding down shift. There should be. Well, you're turning, you're going shift type, shift type, shift type, like

so many fucking times. They should make a telegraph AI. Yes. Where you can just do that. Trained on, I mean, we could just ask chat GPT to write some fake talk. Anyway. That could be the whole podcast. So picture, if you will, a review where the first letter of every single word is capitalized. How do I explain this? I know they may not publish my review, which is the whole point of this, my time, yours time.

This should be tooken into account. Hugely disappointed, horrible, disgusting food. First off, Philly steak was off. I forgave this, tried my salad. The box was half empty, no double meat on the meatballs were cold and all the food had a unpleasant scent and two was off. It's like yesterday's salad had been said. Yes, it was stale food. Two so for of sorry not worth it for 28 pound 52 comma. I left review with just eat which sorrowfully did not publish my review fully only rating

numbers which is why I am writing here. As all our time goes to waste writing and do not publish reviews properly. The Philly steak was old as to unpleasant as so the meatballs were dry, rubbery and shriveled a little bit, comma. Limited words could only be used, comma. I used less words than I did now this time, comma. I even gave full marks and they still did not let my words get published so I am writing my review now with proper scores and marks, comma. The food was stale, comma. So over all the food was stale and old, comma. Please let me know if there's anything wrong with what I have written. Why this can't be shown, comma. I think this is

fair enough, comma. Thank you. This is like the end of participating in the Bündchenbäste, I actually slammed. This is like the end of Gravity's Rainbow or Metal Gear Solid 2, which I consider companion works to the same point, where like to undergird the degradation of sanity and information and meaning and semiotics, it all just starts falling apart. This is an abstract subway review. This is a subway review that has gotten to the end of realism and has gone beyond it into modernism and through post-modernism, that the essence of a subway review is there without the form. Yes.

But it's also the form itself that's the critique, not the content. Yes. I think this is if the Weaver from Perdido Street Station wrote a subway review, this is exactly what you would get. Yeah, this was really something. Street Station wrote a subway review. This is exactly what you would get. Yeah. This was, this was really something. It had a musical quality. Not a full stop in there anywhere to be found.

A musical quality, but like, or texture or, uh, if anyone wants to check the pronunciation of that. I was just going to let that go. That's fine. I'm a tutorial. Yeah. Very easy. Four letters.

Checkier. That was why I felt the need to specify where the commas were because they were so few and far between. I'm going to make a request here, which is that I would like Milo to read the last one. Milo, I'm sending this to your phone. Please send it to me.

This one has been translated from French. And so we are going to need this in your haughtiest and most unimpressed French accent. Catastrophic! The welcome was deplorable. The lady was as rude and unpleasant as the sandwich was tasteless. The other employee wasn't very smart, but at least he wasn't rude. I mean, when the French think one of you is rude, you know that's bad. It's over. For something that's been auto-translated by Google, there is still a beautiful, very

like, writerly quality to this. It's very succinct. It's got these nice little turns of phrase. The lady was as rude and unpleasant as the sandwich was tasteless. The other employee wasn't very smart, but at least he wasn't rude. They're using like irony. Like it's beautiful. This is such a cutting, wonderful review. It's so French, isn't it? You know, this man was like smoking a galwals while he wrote this. Three in the morning, glass of red wine in his hand. I also love it when a Google Translate is very revelatory of what the original text must have

been. Like, you know, the first word of this review was catastrophique. There's no other word that it could have been. It's such a specific translation choice. Hey, I think that was definitely an episode of the podcast. Punta Vista. Milo, you're coming to Australia. I am. That's right. Would you like to get in the other leg of my big trousers? We'll do it in Brisbane. Andrew will do it. Are you doing Canberra? Tell us where you're going.

I am doing Canberra. Yeah. I'm doing 15th of March Perth, 16th of March Canberra. And then I think 22nd of March Brisbane, 23rd of March Sydney. And then 26th of March to the 20th of April, I'm in Melbourne doing the Melbourne Comedy Festival. And I'll also be doing a work in progress show at some point for one night only during that. I think Brisbane sold out, but we're going to add, I think I'm going to add a date. I'm going to email them because I didn't know it was sold out. I found that out from a fan this morning, Which was a nice thing to find out. But the message I got was kind of like,

hey, I wanted to take it to your show, but it's sold out. And I was like, well, I'm sorry. That's good for me. But great news. All right. Hey, I want to come to your show, but I can't fuck you. Yeah. I'm going to go see Peter Hellier instead. That's right. If you're in one of those cities, Google it for specific dates. Please. MiloEvers.co.uk slash live-shows for all your live show needs. Anything else you'd like to promote while you're here? Pick one podcast of yours that you think people should really listen to. Which is your favorite child?

Well, my current baby project at the moment is Glue Factory, a comedy podcast. And I think it's probably the most, it's the most Boonta Vista of any of them in that the format is there is no format. It's just, it's just funny. What? What does that mean? Yeah. I mean, sure.

But it's a very rigidly structured show. We just talked about subway reviews for 45 minutes in a subway-themed segment. That is structure. That is, to be fair, so much more structured than Glue Factory. The tangents that we go on are legendary. But yeah, it's me, Ogrecock, Piano Veli, Riley from Trashfuture that you may remember late of this parish. And a lot of it is just like examining Riley's peccadilloes like we're a team of therapists

that have been assigned to him. That's what this podcast is for Theo. We're really working on him. We're gonna fucking figure this guy out in another seven or eight years. Cracking that shell wide open. Yeah, I don't know. I'm touching the stuff inside.

I don't know if you will. This is all just it follows in here. Yeah. I'm right here. Try and figure me out. Thank you so much for listening. Mylar, thank you for coming on the show. It's my pleasure.

Always. It's still free me and freeberry for a little bit more. You're going to get a couple more free boners episodes. Um, we're loving having you in the bonus zone, but, uh, if you get a taste for it, maybe consider signing up to the Patreon. If you like that little taste of sugar and you don't want it snatched away from you, yeah, maybe you should sign up for the Patreon. Just consider it. Um, you're like one leg of the trouser. Why not? We don't want to end on that note You don't want to be hopping around all week long in one leg of your pants

Do you get a second leg of your pants remember the guy and the cowboy have on the lawn chair? He's probably not a pedophile. Thank you so much for listening. Yeah But we don't know for sure. Until then, stay safe. Bye. You are the master of your trip. You're the captain of this ship. You are the master of your trip. You're the captain of this ship. You are the master of your trip. You're the captain of this ship. You are the master of your trip. You're a monster, you're a monster