Boonta Vista - EPISODE 421: Four People Arguing About Footjobs Versus Handjobs

Episode Date: November 9, 2025

Lucy, Theo, Andrew, and Ben bring you: Two more tales of the otherworldly, proximity to the synchrotron, prematurely finding out that you're dead, monkey trouble at length, and monkey trouble in brief. *** Outro: Silver Twin - Motrik *** Support our show and get exclusive bonus episodes by subscribing on Patreon: www.patreon.com/BoontaVista *** Email the show at [e-mail]! Call in and leave us a question or a message on 1800-317-515 to be answered on the show! *** Twitter: twitter.com/boontavista Website: boontavista.com Twitch: twitch.tv/boontavista

Hello, my dad made me back everyone, your father. The father is a little father. Hello and welcome to Winter Vista, episode four. I am Ben and welcome to another installment of guess that quantity. Hi Theo, are you ready to guess some quantities? Oh, man. Yeah. Great.

How many T-Rexes existed? Oh, fuck. It's got to be about 15 million. Wrong. 2.5 billion. What? How can that be too many? What can be too many?

What can be too many? For millions of years. But they're bigger than us. What? To think about how many humans there are on Earth now, but there is more, there's, and they say that we can't support the people that are much bigger than us. Yeah, but that's how many of us. We could support two and a half billion Tyrannosaurus.

There are like eight billion of us now. How much bigger is a Tyrannosaurus rex than on one of us? But that was over hundreds of millions of years. The billion more Tyrannosaurus rexes than there are, people in China. This isn't that. I thought you meant... Imagine China... Yeah, most...

...overrun? Actually, statistically... ...being overrun by Tyrannosaurus rexes. Statistically, most Tyrannosaurus rexes are Chinese. Scary. How many tons of Toblerone are produced every year? Is it still me? Yes, you've got to do three.

They're in triplets. So, so when he... Okay, so we eat like 150 grams. It's like, uh, people, people are you with a hundred million pounds. Uh, times a hundred is a couple of three tons. 35,000 tons. What? That's a lot of Toblerone.

That's so much. What do you mean what a waste? I like a toadourone. What a stupid little triangle thing? Yeah. That's good. They make the triangles. They're chocolate, but they're a triangle.

Holy fuck, that was incredible, dude. Fuck off. Take my pulse. Classic Donald Trump, they make the chocolate, but they're trying to say. How much... I got one more. There's an average cumulus cloud way.

Just the average size of cumulus cloud. Now, cumulus... Cumulus are the big ones. Big fluffy boys. They're big fluffy ones. They love to see them. Are they still a cumulus cloud when they're storming when they go like real high and they're, or is that like a cumulonimbus? That'd be a cumulonimbus.

Could be a cune. Could be a mammatus. No, it's not a serious. We can just name all the clouds. I've run out. I'm done. I think I'm done actually. One more, Astro, Altostratus, the kind of gray misery ones that you get in England

or whatever um fucking how much it's going to weigh oh well there's a lot of water in that isn't there because i mean you think about what comes out you think about the stuff that comes out okay calm down you got uh uh 600 000 tons 500 tons yeah that's what i was gonna say well you are zero out of three well done hello andrew are you ready to guess um Quantities. More ready than the next contestant, I think. No, the previous one, damn, shit, fuck. You don't know that.

You don't know that. You don't know that. God damn it. Is the advice don't go with your instincts? The advice is you're getting set up to fail. There's no way you could succeed and come away happy. I'm actually friends with the host outside of this, so I don't think he'd do that to me. I hate guesses quantity.

I think it makes us fight. It makes us angry with one another. Yeah, I think that's good. I think it gets our blood hot. And that's where podcasting comes. from Andrew, how many concords were built? Like the plane? Yes, the plane.

Oh, let's say like... I know one. I think shut up. Let's say like 20. Yep. Exactly 20. Exactly 20. That is unbelievable.

Is that actually right? That is correct. It is exactly 20 concordes. Shit. He did this last time. He's kind of a prodigy it guessed that quantity. As of the year 2020, how many public toilets were there in Amsterdam? Amsterdam.

Amsterdam. Now, I'm pretty sure this is public toilet facilities, not individual units. Not individual holes. Yeah, not holes. We're not counting holes. Okay. Yeah, one toilet may have many holes. Yes.

Yeah, Amsterdam. Topologically. What are the population of Amsterdam? Multi-hole toilets. Are they, they seem like they'd be a more progressive kind of public toilets. it having place. Yes. It probably costs money, though, right?

I feel like they're charging money. I don't know if they do. I wouldn't assume. They cost money in Italy. I remember that. It costs one euro. And in France, they also cost that, but you have to pay that. No word of a lie to a Romanian woman who's sternly sitting in front of the door and not letting it through.

It's always just like an angry European woman sitting at the door. I don't think she's hired by the city. Okay. I'm going to go around. I'm 500. 112. Okay. But, you know, you're in the right order of magnitude.

A little stingier than I thought, but okay. How many city cats are there in Brisbane? The fairies that we have, the city cats. Norman Wright designed, beautiful twin hull, high speed. Are you including the kitty cat? Oh, now that's a good follow-up question. I do have numbers on both. Interesting.

How's that like six? Please include the kitty cat, Ben. There are 27 city cats. And there are five kitty cats. Isn't that nice? Now, Andrew, you are so far in the lead with one point. Lucy, are you ready to guess some quantities? No, I'm not.

Unless you dropped a bunch of toothpicks on the floor. I don't even think you've got that card. I don't think I've got that either. I'm not taking you to the casino. Unless we went there for fun. We should. I mean, just give it a go. Let's just see.

Just see if I can do card counting. They'd be like, oh my God, he's definitely got a pair. Just wrong every time. Is there a Joker in this game? What is the average volume of urine produced over the lifetime of a human being? Wait, no, I phrased that in a weird way. What is the average lifetime volume of urine made over a person's lifetime? How close does she have to get?

Because again, I feel like Andrew has sort of. I've received some tractable quantities here. 20. Two liters a day? Well, if you drink two liters of water, right? Or is that you're getting like one liter a piece? One liter a piece? You're not, it's not too weird and too out.

No, I think some of your water's going into your shit, you know? Yeah, some of it's going into your shit. I think someone's just going into your body. Yeah. And staying there. I've got a lot of water. And then radiating out through your paws or whatever. Some of it's got to go to your ankles.

I think we transpirate. I'm willing to have a pretty big. leeway on this one, like plus or minus 20% I'll allow. Hey, how often does the average person weep? Yeah. I'm probably never. That's my wish. Never.

That's not good for you, though. It's not good for you to never weep. Letters. In my head, like, how am, like, 365 times 70. Yeah. I'm not there. 480 million liters? Is that too much?

Is that not enough? 35,000 liters. Let's just do some quick maths here. Quick maths, yeah. So let's say a leader a day. What if I just went with like 100 times 365, that might have helped me out a little bit more. Well, let's say the average person's living for like 80 years, 75 years, let's say.

That's a healthy, right? You know, I'm going to edit this down because this is not good radio. No, it's good. You would need, for that to be true, to be 17,000. 15,500 liters of urine a day. Which is what I bet it feels like for you. That's what it feels like. I'm in there all the time.

All right. So zero for three so far. Okay. How many alligators are there in Australia? Zero. About 43. I was going to say, what about the zoo? They once in the zoo?

There's like 40 at Australian restaurants. reptile park there's a breeding pair at some other zoo and then i think they have exactly one australia zoo but there could be some some wiggle room there i got you you've been tricked by a trick trick question a trick trick trick question yeah uh zero so far uh what is the highest altitude on earth that a four-wheeled vehicle has driven at what's a what's a reasonable altitude what's Think of an altitude. 1,100 feet. No, what?

That's so nice. I think I drove there up. Divided by your age. It is 6,688 meters, which is about 20,000 feet. That's really high. So that's like, so like Everest is like 8,000 meters, right? I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know? Master of quantities? I've got to order quantities and I won't do you any points. I'm the quantity master. I have been in a car at 5,000 500 meters in the Himalayas. That was quite high. That was very high.

Is the highest point that they've driven in the Himalayas or is it in South America? It's in the Andes, correct. It is in Ojo desolado in Chile. I was thinking because they're quite a lot of, even quite a lot of townships and stuff. They're like on the planes. They're very high up. People living up there. This record was made in 2007 by two brothers who were in a modified Suzuki samurai,

which is also known in the Australian market as the Suzuki Jemni. Yes! How fucking cool is that? Why didn't we call it the samurai? I wish we'd call it the samurai. That's such a sick name. How good is it picturing a chimney up at high altitude set records? The highest altitude.

The little chimney. Doing that thing where you kind of go out of bounds. No, I don't. Just let me just have a look at it. You've seen them. There's a million of them on the road. They're everywhere. When you're like, you know, Grand Theft Auto 5 and you're like up on top of the mountains and you're probably not supposed to be there?

Dope. But it's a Suzuki chimney. Why they call it in real life? Yeah, but I like it. It's fun to say. You don't get that N with a pronounceable M and N in a lot of English words. Gymny. I'll be there in a gymny.

Chimney. I think we say that anymore. Fuck, if you Own a chimney And you've never had a chance to drop them I'll be there in a chimney Holy shit I would be doing that to divorce levels

Christ Okay, maybe that's the shirt I'm broken down on the side of the road My wheels popped I'm just really having a bad time with it I'll be there in a chimney No, I'll be there in a chimney Don't bother coming

I'll call Steve You're going to pick me out from the airport right Oh Oh yeah Oh you know Oh fuck that's so good We can make a million dollars With this on a hat

Yeah Hey if you have a chimney Yeah that's right I think we probably could Okay If you've got a chimney And you drop this in a text conversation It absolutely crushes

I want a screenshot of that sent to our mail bag. We look at stuff that's in our mailbag on the Bouta Vista hotline. It's time for the Bouta Vista hotline. You could even message Facebook But we don't really check the Facebook Yeah 800317515 That's the bontevista hotline

1,800317515 That's the pooh to vista hotline Can I just say that mid-range falsetto is just magic What a beautiful set of pipe Oh He sings her beautifully Yeah Andrew one, by the way.

Justin Bieber on that one. Again, he always fucking does. He always does. It's just funny. He got the easiest question. He's kind of got the easiest one. He's got the easiest one because it was about a plane. Guys, they were all quantities.

Yeah. I don't understand. Yeah, also because the answer was 20 and our answers were all like. Wiggle room and everyone. You weren't even in the same order of magnitude on like any of those. You didn't let me think about the alligator. He didn't let me think about it. 18,000 liters of piss a day.

That one's on me. 18,000 liters of piss a day on you. Oh, come on. Russell Crowe's band. I immediately regret this line. It's so good. So I'm keeping up something we've done for a couple episodes now. because it's spook Vemba,

the spookiest month of the year. People have been writing in... Just in time. That's right. There's no other way we could have played this. People have been writing in to tell us about their paranormal experiences that they've had. And, you know, we're listening with an open heart and an open mind. Maybe some uncovering some new truths.

It's true. This one, I think, Theo, you're going to like this one. This comes to us from listener Jake. Hi, Bonta Vista. I did not believe the call for unexplained stories was genuine, so I did not write in before. It's very fair. Yeah.

We've set a tone. We are sarcastic much of the time. I'm very sorry, and it's sort of prevented you from connecting with us when we're being sincere. Yes. When we're being honest from our hearts. Most of the time, don't write in, though. Who's the time, don't?

Yeah, unless your story's good. And then, yeah. I know this segment already happened, but I'm sending the story now in case you might enjoy it son's podcast well too bad we're enjoying it

con podcast no how do you say with and French a veck a veck podcast sometimes stories are just nice and microphones need not be involved

life is beautiful well too bad in August 2020 I was working in McCarthy Alaska an abandoned mining town turned weird vacation destination Oh shit

You went to a silent hill You got me already Yeah. Isn't this good? The bleak, winter cold? What's August in the northern hemisphere? The bleak spring? No, no, that's the other one. It doesn't matter. Off grid, two hours from pavement, no law enforcement. You get it. McCarthy was specifically where moonshiners, brothels, gambling and the like were illegally set up to serve the miners in nearby Kennecott. And now they're abandoned? One of the turn-of-the-century sex workers was named Beef Trust, which is very fucking cool. One evening, I was sitting on the porch of the shack I was staying in on the town's main drag, 500 feet of dirt, with like eight small buildings along it.

It was dusk, and everyone else in town was at the nearby golden saloon for a not very good and shockingly drum forward band. A human-sized figure appeared walking at an easy pace 20 feet in front of me. It was dark with no discernible features at all, like a shadow, I guess. Yes. It was walking through brush but making no noise at all. To come from the direction, it was one would have had to have to climb over a fence, which I also did not hear. I was so scared that I quickly went into my shack and sat with my back up against the door, half of which was a screen window in order to keep it closed. I also pulled out the very tiny knife I had bought at the Radio Shack in Glen Allen, Alaska.

I can't imagine we're selling particularly vicious knives. at Radio Shack. No. The person working the register was a barefoot 12 year old. Alaska is such a fucked up place. It's a rich storytelling. I remember thinking the knife

and closed door were both obviously very futile should I be attacked or whatever. Nothing more happened and I think I ended up just going to bed and not dealing with it at all rather than going outside again. I don't think I believe in ghosts

because how the hell would ghosts work but what I saw was not corporeal and very human seeming. So many fucking people have to have died in McCarthy and Kennecott and certain buildings of absolutely horrible vibes. McCarthy was also the side of a tragic mass murder in 1983

and was home to a really awful family cult type thing in the early aughts. So we're a powerful bad energy. A lot of bad energies there. We also seem to be working on the theory that ghosts become real if enough people die. Negative emotions. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like Ghostbusters too. It builds up into a pink ooze. Well, I think this is kind of like why the last man the graphic novel series where you're presented with a bunch of equally plausible explanations

because there's another one here it's about to be presented to you as to the particle accelerated question harp is about a hundred miles away which is different but definitely thematically adjacent oh absolutely you're just talking about

they work differently obviously I don't want to sound like a complete complete rube but we're still talking about energy concentrations. Particles at high speed? Yeah, maybe. Something?

Do they do? They've got stuff up the plasma. I mean, with half the, the particles are always going to be going at the speed of light because the particles are light. That's zipping along. That's fast. Yeah. Yeah.

But, no, you get, it's just different kinds of energy, different kinds of focuses. You get different kinds of cryptids. Yes. I do think if someone said to me, I think harp created. a shadow person I would be like oh okay yeah absolutely

that's gonna fucking happen yeah that's that makes complete sense what if they were fucking around with the light and creating a being of light and they were like great we've done something really good

little do they know nearby nearby a person of shadow you can't have the being of light without the shadow being the yin and the end that was probably

your fucking shadow person yeah you saw your own shadow person you saw your own shadow person And you know what your first thought was? It's going to kill me, so I have to kill it. Isn't that, doesn't that say something?

Yeah, your shadow self is, yeah. It doesn't need to be killed. It's like a link. You must kill your shadow self. From Zelda. Yeah. Yeah. Just sort of check the face first, though.

If you get like a, just a quick, a quick confirmation on the face, just to make sure it's your face. Yeah. Don't kill somebody else's shadow person. Don't kill somebody else's shadow person. Don't kill some. No, I don't do that. Create negative energies.

Yeah. Also, I've driven past harp a bunch and it was always a huge letdown how boring it looked. That's what they want. That's what they want you to think. That's the fucking, what's the, what's the guy is going somewhere? What's the guy in the Nuremberg trials and they're like. Johnny Nuremberg. Johnny Nuremberg.

And they're like, that's the tedium of evil or whatever. You know what I'm talking about? You're talking about the banality of evil? Bonality? Bannality of evil, yeah. It's a teetium of evil. You drive past and you're bored by half. That's the teedium of evil, baby.

They don't want to tempt people in by having the outside set up like the Tee twister brothel from Dust till Dawn. You know, if they had like a big neon light set up with arrows pointing in. Yeah, like top golf? Yeah, yeah. You drive past half and it's like. top golf. That's going to get some unwanted visitors in that. Yeah. Plus, they're making the sky glow up there. They're putting in a neon lights in the ionosphere. Yes. Way up there. Just make it a cube. Yeah. Big ionic cube.

Apologies for the long email. I hope this is of some interest to you. It is. It is. It very much is. Yeah. It was. I love abandoned towns. I think everyone can agree on Wikipedia. That's a staple Yeah, go through that list. Now I've got one more to read about, this time with brothels. Thanks for making a podcast. Jake, Jake, you are welcome. I kind of get a sort of, not underwater, obviously, but a bio-shocky feeling to this town, right? Where you got, like, you got, it's not a Silent Hill, right? Because there's no, like, neon lights and stuff and no garrishness in Silent Hill.

It's more Midwestern, more kind of the weight of your sins. Oh, you're thinking like the corrupted glitz and glamour of rapture. 100%. Yeah, interesting. It's kind of like a weird west. Yeah, weird west. Frontier, cowboy town, saloons, borediness, shadow people. Shadow people.

Dungarees with your ass out. That's right. Just leave the flap open. Because you're shitting in the streets anyway. Getting crazy top from the shadow person of a sex worker who you've lived there 200 years ago. Oh, no. Oh, you get a two for one deal. I really see you, but it feels great.

I have another one here. This is from listener Callum. Hello, Bonta Vista. After your request for listeners to share experiences they have had that are outside the realm of what they ordinarily believe, I'm emailing to relay a, quote, supernatural experience I had this summer. Somertime supernatural experience?

Yeah, it doesn't seem right, does it? It's odd, yeah. Well, it's meant to happen in the winter. It shouldn't be wearing a Hawaiian shirt when the supernatural thing happens to you. Shouldn't be wearing like phones. But then again, you've got like midsummer, but then again, that's probably not supernatural

by the end of it, is it? No. So what the fuck? No. Good counter example, though. It was the day before my wedding in rural Wisconsin in the middle of the day. I was in the passenger seat of my friend Hannah's Subaru Forrester

going south on Highway 36 when I saw something moving out of the corner of my eye in the grassy highway median separating the north and south lanes of traffic. As happens when you sometimes see something out of the corner of your eye, my brain quickly identified it as a gnome, which I quickly rejected as a possibility. There is no room in my worldview for gnomes.

Sad. Yeah. Isn't that sad indictment? They used to be so commonplace. The average person 150 years ago was like, well, gnomes are almost certainly real. I'll leave the saucer of milk out for the pixies and the brownies, so they don't steal my baby

and replace it with a changeling. I don't go right down the back of the garden because of the fairies. Yes. Imps. You want to avoid imps for sure. Can we just, I know sometimes we,

I try to be as charitable as I can about these sorts of things. Have you seen the photos of the fairies in the garden that those Victorians were tricked by that were just like the little paintings of fairies cut out on cardboard that they just posed? You guys seen these? No.

As popularized in the movie, I think it's called fairies in the garden. I mean, everyone was very stupid back then, right? Not like now. Everyone's very smart. Yeah, true. Yeah. I guess now no one would be fooled by anything.

It's just you look at the photo. Oh, this is insane. If you just Google Coddingly fairies, you'll see the photo that I'm talking about. Oh, yeah, they really. Yeah, they're just like illustrated fairies. I guess they didn't have Photoshop back then. So they were like, ooh. Very, very incurious, I think, for the first.

several thousand years of civilization. We're like, until, practically until like, Jane Gooding, goodall, sorry, rather. Jane Gooding, please don't roast me. Like, we didn't know for sure that animals use tools, but, like, I'm sure I've seen birds pick up sticks and, like, poke at stuff. Yeah, well, I think the fuck. The reason that we've sort of expanded our definition of tool use to include stuff like that as well,

I think that was partly a syntactic thing, not so much as would never seem like... Now, I'm learning something on this show. Well, it's strictly conjecture of my part, but if I say it quickly and confidently, it sounds very true. That sounded right. I think it is true that we previously just wouldn't have really considered a tool use, although you definitely people would have seen birds with a stick before. I'm sure you would see birds with a stick before. They had birds with sticks back then.

And they didn't have TV. They didn't have TV. So surely they'd spend longer looking at birds, but they just weren't interested. Yeah. They're like, I don't care to know. Yeah. Why has it got that stick? That's not my fucking problem.

I'm not going to finish watching. I've got a wall to look at. What were they doing back then? They were mostly, well, if you read novels, you got yelled out. So it probably wasn't that because they make you stupid. They thought novels were TV. They thought novels were TV. They thought novels were TV.

And now we think that movies are novels because it's better than looking at your phone. We've shifted it one further. If you can watch a movie without your phone, that's like an intellectual pursuit. I watched a whole movie there. It's nourishing. Einstein. All right. Well done.

Yeah. How did you know who was in it? Yeah. Didn't you want to read the IMDB trivia? Did you want to read the trivia? Oh, there was three chimps playing the main chimp. That makes sense, I guess. Rated A plus 13 in Argentina.

They really let them watch anything. However, I turned my head to look directly at it and continued seeing what appeared to be a gnome of small elf-like creature walking northwest on the grassy highway median. He was just hitching? Yeah, I guess. He was some incredible hulking out of the town he'd just been in. He'd helped to solve some kind of issue. He's something else having, now he's on his way? It's just like Lou Ferrigno, and to a lesser extent, the other guy.

The other guy. How mad would you be? you know he got way more airtime right and he was he was delivering all the dialogue someone wrote in to tell us that i'm like yeah no i know i was googling it while we're doing the podcast it's funny you to not know bill bixby bill wickson cable of looking stuff up sorry bill bixby yeah i'm not sorry lou ferrigno carried the whole fucking thing no one's like oh the hulk and picturing bruce banner they're picturing the hulk i don't care about boost banner get him off the screen and now i've worked from context clues that

Lou Forigno played the Hulk and not Bruce Banner. Right. Yep. Well, Bruce Banner is the Hulk. What are you talking about? It's too early. It's too early.

It is 10.30 in the morning. It's too early. She has. The podcast is a caddian rhythm. That's right. However, I turned my head to look directly at it. I already said that. It was wearing a pointy green hat,

a green coat, brown pants, and had what appeared to be a bag slug over its shoulders. He was. She was moving on down the road. You see a gnome, dude. You saw a gnome, dude. That is 100% a gnome slash elf-style creature. Bro, listen to me.

You saw a gnome. Yeah, you saw them out. Dude, I'm serious, you saw a gnome. Maybe a, not a pixie, too big for a pixie by the sounds of it. Oh, the hat. The pixies aren't wearing the hat like that, right? And they tend not to be walking as well, I think. Which probably limits how much they can carry.

What do you mean? Pixies are flying, right? I don't know. Typically? Is a pixie kind of like a fairy? I thought it was like a fairy without wings. I don't know. What's a brownie?

Yeah, no, I thought like a, like a, is Tinkerbell a pixie? Oh shit, I'm getting a lot. Or is a piggy about a fairy, right? A lot of photos of haircuts. I feel like a pixie's a little guy without wings. Yeah. The I think you'd look great with a pixie cut. Actually, you do kind of have a pixie cut.

Why don't we call it that when it's on a man, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, what are we afraid of? Yes. I'm afraid of a lot of things. Your children The gnomes proportions were also subtly different from humans

It appeared to be somewhat slimmer and had oddly thin limbs And it walked with a sort of herky jerky up and down movement Yeah brother I I'm going to disagree to say you saw a gnome I think you saw an elf I think you saw an elf in the kind of classical Not the Tolkien thing Definitely Thin moons definitely elf creature Elf, the features that you were describing are elfin.

When I was like, I guess I must have been under 10, so maybe eight or nine, but the first time I read the Lord of the Rings, I didn't have the Tolkien idea of an elf in my mind. So whenever they were described, I was picturing like three foot tall little guys with like, they were around toad stools and stuff. Makes sense. Yeah, you weren't picturing a beautiful live twink. Yeah, I wasn't picturing sort of like a gymnast or a ballerina. I was picturing, I think maybe in my head I was picturing Toad from Mario Kart,

which kind of like ruined the grandeur of it. The arrival at Rivendale, I'm like, what, it's a bunch of fucking little guys. Little guys, yeah. Livered in Toadstools? Come on. I estimate that I spent about 20 seconds looking directly at this creature before we passed it. I quickly whipped my head around to look through the back window and caught one more fleeting glimpse of before it vanished.

This is crazy. You saw a window into the other world, I think. Yeah. And it survived your glance, too. It stayed open. Theo, that's a classic elf. They're like the elf and shoemaker. What's the story?

Yeah, elves and the shoemaker. I've read that to Mr. Five when he was young, approximately 700,000 times. And he also remembers every word from that book. Did you just do the internet anonymizing your child's name thing? Yeah, I don't know when to... You've been saying their names for the whole time They've been alive

But which one's which? You'll never know Unless you go back and listen to the episodes And you'll work it out By complete coincidence The DJ at my wedding This is completely true I'm not making this up

With a friend of mine whose day job is Professor of Religious Studies Whose work focuses on Among other things Bigfoot, ghosts, cryptids and alien abductions. They have chosen to withhold this person's name because they didn't ask them if it was okay to put this on a podcast. Mr. 37. The professor told me that gnome sightings are extremely common in the US despite

the fact that there is very little gnome folklore. So it's his opinion that my gnome signing was very believable. He also made the connection with machine elves, although I was 100% sober at the time of gnome signing. Machine elves. What is this? Oh my goodness. I was hoping one of you guys would know. I was going to say gnome sight and doesn't seem popular.

A deep dive into the psychedelic entities known as machine elves. Oh, is this some shit that you see when you're on DMT? It's a DMT thing. It's a DMT thing. Never done DMT. But I will when I die and my brain floods with DMT. Yeah, check it out. That's just DMT, I think.

I hope I'd see something scary that lasts forever at the end. I hope it's chill. I hope it's cool. Yeah. I hope it's like freaking lateralis, dude. Yeah, dude. That'd be fucking awesome. One more lateralis for the road.

One more lateralis. As you die, time stretches on into infinity. So does lateralis. Yeah, dude. That's fucking awesome. Oh my God. Ars slash ayahuasca. Machine elves.

Give me your opinions. Pretty good. Yeah. What do I think? I can't deny that my subjective experience was that of seeing a gnome. Man, that's a wonderful. That's a wonderful sentence.

I'm inclined to reach for a rational explanation and think I must have been in some way mistaken or misperceiving it. Love da pod best. Callum. Calam, you know what you saw. We know what you saw. We know what you saw. We know what you saw.

Yeah. Holy fuck, dude. That's amazing. And it was either a gnome or an elf. Or someone with progeria. Yeah. hitchhiking their way to the red fare not knowing they just changed the life

of a person who drove past had line of side of them for 20 seconds he's like hey hey I was waving at you for so long I need to get to the goddamn red fare I'm late no I think it was a name straight up I think sometimes you know

if you're locked and loaded with you want to see a big foot you want to see a UFO and you see something you can't explain, you'll conform the thing that you've seen to the thing that you wanted to see. You didn't wake up that day, be like, golly, I hope I see a gnome. Something that shocks your rational mind

into believing that there are more possibilities than what you've seen in this world? That's like the goofiest way to have your reality around. It comes with a lot of cultural baggage, the gnome. It's not like a cool way. one.

Yeah, hey, what about you? You know, I died on the operating table and you? So like a little, like a little gnome guy. What does a gnome do? Does he do mischief? What don't they do? I think, I feel like in the Witcher there's like the mischievous gnomes. If we're going off Irish mythology, I think everyone that's magical is unbelievably evil and

like they only exist to sort of steal your shit. I'm sure there's some like European folklore stuff where gnomes are just there to cobble your shoes for you while you sleep or whatever. Well that's what happens in this. We're putting them in the garden. We're putting that iconography in our garden. And sometimes they're masturbating.

You think he's holding a fishing rod. It's actually it's his penis. Oh. Hang on. Sometimes he's got the pants down. Yeah, there's a little gnomass right there in your garden. Oh. And he's straightened up junk in it?

Yeah, I think you can get ones where he's straight up. I didn't invent this. The masturbating gnome. The masturbating garden gnome. all right in the book in the book from it's probably from like brothers grim or whatever right like the the gnomes come and they and there's these they're not gnomes they're elves and they come and the shoemaker he's very poor he's very poor but he's very good at making shoes are they gnomes that do that no they're elves they're elves but they come at midnight every night which

is clouding things somewhat and then they become really rich and then they make the elves like a set of clothes each and then the elves go yippity do and they go out forever and what is this story mean thanks for all that money

thanks for all that money put these pants on will you I've seen some crazy shit in the last 30 seconds I've said shit you wouldn't believe searching gnomes masturbating I'll tell you what I've only got one where the gnome appears to be jerking it

but I've got gnomes flashing their tits. I got gnomes with their dicks out. Yeah, that's a classic one, yeah. I got gnomes taking a shit, gnomes farting, gnomes with bazookas. People do crazy shit with gnomes. Yeah, I'm just thinking about big ears from Noddy. He's a fucking groomer. Don't like him, don't care for him. Don't care for big ears. What are you doing hanging out with Nottie like that? How old is nobody's supposed to be? What other cartoon characters of Peter Files?

Let's find out. That'll fill it another 25 minutes of this show. Hey, sometimes the type of letter that we receive from people is a communique in regards to just some stuff that we were talking about. But often there's a type of thing we get that delights us where we do a story and someone is like freakishly close to the action. Yes. Yeah.

And now the prestige, dude, take us to the prestige. And we'll talk about those in the segment. You report, we decide. But sometimes we find out that something happened to you Maybe you were posted up on the corner And you saw it with the guys Whatever it is, just let us know You report and we decide

Oh, oh, oh Mailbag at bothavista.com, yeah You report and we decide That's beautiful Andrew That's really good Got me doing weird stuff with my face We decide It was, he was making stinky face

We were talking about other spooky stories In episode 420 shooting towards Slovenia And we Theo developed a sort of A theory that perhaps a UFO That we were told about Had happened because of its proximity To a synchotron

in Melbourne and then we got an email from a lovely listener who said hey I work at that synchrotron What What Yeah

Dale Dale works at the synchotron Dale works at the synchrotron And I may not agree with what you do Dale but I'll defend To the death you're right to do it Isn't it crazy how these two guys Might have touched each other's lives

Without knowing it That Dale pressed the green button on the synchotron that caused the UFO to get attracted to the earth. And then the other guy. Yeah, if like the butterfly traveled like 500 meters and it was a very like. Yeah, I don't think it counts as a butterfly effect if it's like right there. What if I released a butterfly and flew slightly away from me into someone's eye that caused them to walk into a pole? It's the butterfly effect.

Ooh, chaos theory. All right. Most importantly, though, he did invite Theo to take a tool. Oh my God, yeah. Hell yeah, I'll take a tour of the Sincretron. So if we go and do a Melbourne show, I think we actually need to get Theo out to the Sincreton as well. You're going to the fucking Sinketron solo. Yeah.

I don't remember seeing him say that you were invited, Ben. Well, I'll ask. God damn. The invitation was extended to Theo. I promise we will do a tour in Melbourne soon. I'm just waiting for the government to change. You know, just right now with the current climate, I don't feel particularly comfortable about the idea of visiting Victoria. but once there's been a regime change

I'd be perfectly happy to go over there and see all our friends Can we get Dan Andrews back? We've got to get him back. We've got to get him back. We've got to rehab him to Dan. Take all the staircases out of his house. We've got to make it safe for him to be premier again.

Hey, making jokes about Dan Andrews seriously injuring himself. Maybe in poor taste. But hey, Poebody's nerficked. We talk about Poe to body being nerficked. in Po-Body's nerve-X. Tick-T-T-K-T-K-T-K-T-K-T-K-T-K-T-T-K-T-K-P. Oh, no, oh, poebodies nerve-h-h-h-h-h-oh-Pol-Bi-E. No, oh, oh.

Just want to take a moment to annoyingly interrupt the flow as I do, mentioning the synchrotron in Melbourne. I'm zooming in and out on the Melbourne map. You know how things kind of are selected for you to kind of pop up a level in the labels? They're going to show you, you know, Hungry Jack's at Maya Center, right? Queen Street, Hungry Jacks, pop out. For me, today, it's Miano Clinical Sexology, Evidence-Based Sex Therapy. Well, you don't want to be not evidence-based.

I had a thing that happened as a result of looking for a business the other day that made me go, am I just childishly naive? Right? One of my kids tweaked her neck real bad, which she'd done a little while ago, And it hurt until they were staying with my parents at the time. And my parents went and got her like a neck massage. And that helped it out. And she'd done it again.

And so I googled like, you know, massage Belconin. And Reddit came up near the top. And it was a thread about like north side massage places. And I look at it. And it's somebody going, hey, anyway, good on the north side to go and get a massage and you dick tugged off. and all these dudes are like oh yeah you can go to this place this place is pretty good

although these couple of girls left so it's not as good now if you're on the south side you can go over to this place if you're in the middle of town head over to here ask for this person remember to say this when you're in the thing I was like everybody getting tugged off all over town I assumed this was like

my 20 year old kind of noiveteen right that's just like you go there and you ask for happy ending I think this is like a Do Zomrida being like, I'm coming through town for business. Where am I getting towed? It's all over the place. It's fucking crazy.

Is that what you want? Do you want to just like a tug? Do you don't want to just go to a full sex worker? I mean, I think there's a price difference for one. But even if you weren't being economical, I think there's... And also I think there's also like a distance as well, right? I think it's a whole other thing. It's a whole other experience you talk about here.

You've had a nice massage. Bam, just a quick little tug off. Oh, you're the most relaxed you've ever been in your life. You've already got your eyes closed. I'm kind of, I get what you're saying. Oh, I get what you're saying, Theo, and that I think there probably is some level of detachment in, like not necessarily detachment, but like you're saying, Ben, like,

oh, I'm just kind of lying here having something done to me therapeutically, and we're adding this on at the end. Yeah, it's therapy. As opposed to, as opposed to, well, you know, like you're just lying there and stuff's happening to you and you continue to lie. there and something continues to happen to you as opposed to I'm like going to a brothel or whatever and going in it now you and me are going into the room and talking about how we're having sex now

yeah like that's a different it's a different level right I shouldn't I shouldn't have asked I wish I didn't ask yeah I'm really sorry about all this where are you going to get tugged Lucy I'm not getting tugged what kind of venue you're looking for so you don't want it to happen in a massage place where do you want it to happen at the boba tea joint it's not a man exclusive or a I think this is a man exclusive experience. Oh, no, you definitely can get a... Were you getting fingered at the end of the massage?

Sort of a rub-off, yeah. Ladies are getting the happy end? Rub-down rub-off. Yeah. I don't know about that. Oh, my God, absolutely. Not that I've heard of. Rub-down and Jill down?

If you know anything about ladies getting the rub-down rub-off at the massage place, mailbag at once of a cell. I don't know. Look, we are well aware that the world of sex work can be very fraught and also perfectly fun. It's complicated. It's complicated. Don't get mad at us. We're just kind of exploring this through our own shadowed eyes.

We've got the veils that we need to lift, and sometimes we lift them on the podcast. I just don't want you to write in either if you're like, wow, you're being too flippant about this, that whole world is very exploitative and terrible. I also don't want you to write in and say, actually, you're being too dismissive of this. Sex work is real work. We know all of that. We know. We know. We know.

We know. We got it. We're in touch with our shadow selves. know. Yeah. It's complicated. We're better talking at Nobes. Yeah. Nomes is sort of where our heart is.

Yeah. It's the Chihuahua where... Maybe my assumption is just from like going and getting normal massages and sometimes they have things up that are like, we are a normal massage place. Yeah. Oh, 100%. I think those are the only lens through which I ever... I think that's the one where you should ask.

I mean, they're trying to like soak you out of that. I think that's the indicator. They're trying to put it into your mind. And don't ask. Don't ask. So if there's any kind of massage inspector coming in, they see the sign, they say, oh, forget it. They don't do that.

It's sort of if you have to kind of, it's a, if you have to check the price tag sort of thing, it's not for you. If you don't know the end, the inn, don't ask for it. Don't try and find it because that is just harassing someone who's harassing a masseuse. I think I have just been going to normal massage places. I don't think I've been going to places where everyone else is getting tugged

and I just didn't. Guarante. I have been to a massage parlor where I have never had it offered to me, but other people I know have had it offered to them. That's nice. They had the look about them of someone who wants to get tugged off, whereas they looked at me and they said, this guy's fine. Yeah, this guy's got it all under control.

If you lie really still during the whole massage, but if you wriggle around too much, they're like, all right, got to settle this fella down. Oh, man, again, don't yell at us, please. We're just having a laugh. We're just having a laugh. We're just having a couple of laughs with our mates. Sunday morning, cup of coffee, a little bit of conversation.

Yeah. Okay. This is from News Nation. Health system mistakenly sends death notices to 500 living patients. Hey, I got news for you. Yeah. Surprise. You'd hate to get that, wouldn't you?

If you got that, you'd be like, you'd think about it for a minute. Yeah. You'd be like, oh, shit. Honey, I got bad news. You're going through your interactions where your wife ignored. do this morning we went out to dinner she didn't talk to me

at all for the entire thing my meal actually never arrived only person who ever talks to me is this little kid the weird little boy that I hang out with and honestly he's really concerned about ghosts

he spends a lot of his time talking about ghosts I should have I maybe should have put this together that probably should have clicked earlier have you guys ever noticed that Tony Colette's like

really rude Like, she just never acknowledges you. She, like, never offers you, like, a cup of coffee. You're like, what am I a ghost? What a freaking ghost are you, Tony Collette? I try to talk to my ex-wife. She just doesn't even acknowledge me, and I'm like, that one makes sense. Yeah.

That one makes sense. I was an awful husband. No one's giving me service. Clearful, aren't you? I turned to the good-looking young lady next to me. I say, what am I a ghost? She doesn't say anything. I never get offered the happy ending, and I also never get offered.

get the massage. I just lie there and no one does anything and eventually I just put my pants back on and leave. I think if movies or whatever have taught me anything, I think ghosts are sort of going through like a factory and getting all squeezed out or whatever, right? They're just like going and haunting like a bunch of cogs or something and getting all squeezed out. Ghosts are haunting a factory? You're talking about cogs? What? You're talking about Casper the friendly ghost? Yeah, I'm talking about Casper. Where he goes through the thing where he goes through the machine. Yes. You're talking about Casper.

You're talking about 1995. Devenzawa. With a friendly ghost. Christina Devenzawa. Are you to reach Devenzawa. Am I wrong? I don't know. Am I wrong?

I can't say that with certainty. Proposition in what you're saying. Yeah. Then Luigi puts me in a vacuum. Stretches me all out. Oh no. Oh my gold pops out. You're doing all that pottery.

My wife never acknowledges me and I keep getting sucked. up into a vacuum by an Italian guy. Keep getting grabbed by the ghoulies. Or am I the goolies? And I'm doing the grabbing. But if you ask to be grabbed by the goolies. Oh, come on. They're good.

Maine Health Medical System, which includes hospitals and clinics in Maine and New Hampshire, said the error occurred on October 20th when it's software for getting estate vendor letters malfunctioned according to multiple reports. Notices were sent to 531 living patients, though the letters are typically intended for use in cases where patients have died. That's usually what the death letter is for. Yes, I agree. I can see where the mix-up was.

It makes sense. You don't usually receive your own death letter. It's maker. I feel like you receive your own death letter on the day you're born. Yes. Yes. Your lifestyle determines your death style. The healthcare system said the patients affected were not listed as deceased

in their medical records and the aerosal. didn't affect their care or status in the system. A woman from Sanford... Yeah, they didn't start, like, treating that person like they were dead? Yeah. I'm hungry. Shut up, you're dead.

Oh, geez, honey. It says here that I'm dead. Well, no dinner for you. I'm going to start wheeling you into the freezer. Yeah, telling you to stop complaining. Yeah. Shut up. We all die.

We're all going in the freezer eventually. A woman from Sanford who asked Remain Anonymous told WGME TV that the incident was, quote, pretty upsetting to receive the letter. Quote, why would they say I was dead? So it was really shocking and upsetting, she told the outlet. But you know you're not dead, right? You know you're not dead, right? No, I think you'd really have a moment with it.

I think you'd really have a moment. I think you would. Do you have, what's the name of the, what's the syndrome where you think that you're dead? Dead guy syndrome? Oh, it's definitely, I'm doing so much Google in this episode. Terrible podcast. I'm sorry. Syndrome where... Feel bad for the guy who's got to edit all that out.

Oh, it's Codard syndrome, which is what the fucking guy in that movie you like is named after. Yeah. Necichie, New York. That's the one. I think he had a few things going on. Yeah. But Walking Corp syndrome, people think that they're dead.

They're like, oh, yeah, no, no, I'm just a dead guy. Don't worry about it. He might even call them The Walking Dead. Realistic delusions. The life ignores me. That's right. I go through this machine or all these cogs. Feel great, though, at the end of it.

You would, wouldn't you? Getting stretched out like that. Going through cogs a couple of times. Getting stretched out through factory cogs would fix me for like a week. Can you imagine how much your spine would crack from that? It would be so good getting a couple of pops in there. Feel real good for a bit. Oh, man.

You guys ever have the physio go like, hey, I'm going to crack your back now? And they, like, put two palms on, like, directly in the middle of your spine. And then they kind of do that, like, the twice downwards push. They go, who, who, and it's because it's like, like, cracks as if you've been broken half. It feels like they're going to go through your ribcage, like the thing. 100%. I've never gone to the physio, but I have got a goodbye hug from Judd. And that is, like, he's doing seven-ray to them.

We've just got a guy that does that. You get, like, at least two of those. He's sort of like a large straight bear in our lives who's sort of there to cause a mischief and then crack your spine. My friend Ben, not this Ben, other Ben. The other Ben. Wonderful bear. Also a large straight bear, yeah.

Large straight bear? Yeah. And he'll just crack you right open. Main Health has since apologized to all affected patients. Hey, this story happened in America. What else happened in America? Let's find out in America Watch. America

This comes to us from I got really distracted because I was looking at the discord and someone had posted a gif of what appears to be a scaven from Warhammer dancing and it was perfectly synced up to that theme

so having a really good time thank you for that Dom this is from KXAS in Dallas Fort Worth, Texas Kixass The Texas, yeah Police release body cam video from monkey loose inside Plano Halloween store. They put a body cam on the monkey?

Probably a good idea. Should have held on to him when you were putting the body cam on. If the, oh, he's out of control. Let's get a camera on him just so we can keep track of what happens from here. Just for accountability. Halloween store is he putting on hats? He's put on hats, isn't he? Oh, he's probably putting on little costumes.

He's waving a witch's wand. He's coming out for the broomstick. dressed as a sexy nun, and then all these friends are shaking their heads. It comes out dressed as a Game of Thrones, and all these friends are like, yes. Yeah. Theo, have you muted yourself? Yeah, yes. You look like you were saying something really funny.

You have that look at your eyes when you're in your other hot shit. Mischievous. Like, I'm talking and no one's listening to me. Is it? Am I dead? You might be dead. I might be dead. Like, how come we've had every kind of reality TV imaginable except,

um monkey cams on monkeys yeah monkey cams like slow tv right you know people all watch a train drive the gun beautiful stuff right we've had big brother we've had all this kind of stuff what's the meta ray bands meta ray bands on a monkey medirabans plus they've got sunglasses on now yeah fuck let them loose in new york city let them lose it's a jungle out there that's the name of the show by the way it's really good it's a whole channel it's not a show it's a jungle out there is you got eight hours of like three segments. We got daylight New York.

Yes. Daylight Rio. Yeah. Daylight. What's, um, no, those are basically lined up, aren't they? No, they'll be overlapping. What's the third of the... No, we've got to go to another continent.

Oh, L.A.? Oh. No, we've got to go further. We've got to... Hawaii. It can be not in America. All the Americas. Guam.

Guam. A trip to a Spirit Halloween store in Play-Doh turned into a wild seed Monday night after a pet monkey escaped its odor and began swinging through the rafters. Okay, quick question. What the fuck is Spirit Halloween? No, I know all about what Spirit Halloween is.

We shouldn't have to know what Spirit Halloween is. Why do we know what that is? Why do we know what Spirit Halloween is? We live in a monoculture. Yeah. So you live in... Yeah, I'm always getting mono. You live in Plano in the DFW.

you, and you got to duck down to Spirit Halloween. Hey, I got a gussy up my house. I know there's going to be kids coming by trick or treating. And this is open how much of the year? And I'm probably going to take Bongo with me when I head down. Yeah. I think I'm going to take Bongo. I think Bongo, my pet.

You probably can't leave him at home alone. Yeah, because if you leave him at home, he's very dependent. Plus, he's smart enough that when you come home with all the stuff, he knows you went to Spirit Halloween without him. And when you're asleep, he's going to pull your thumbs off. Yes. Don't want that. Don't want that.

Wake up with just thumb bones, no flesh? Oh, digloved by bongo. He's guilty in the corner like a dog that peed inside. You're like, do you do this? Did you do this? He's like turning away from you. Yeah. Spit him out.

Spit him out. He's turning away. And he's got a Dracula K-Pod. Are you holding my empty thumbs? my thumbs that have been called Blah Drop them Drop them

What's usually a store filled with fake frights became a real life spectacle as shoppers watched the animal climb poles swing from the wires and crawl across the ceiling for more than 30 minutes

Sometimes life is so beautiful Right What a great day that'd be You think a monkey loose in a store It's going to be a You know Walgreens It's going to be like

you know, somewhere beige, kind of non-discret. You know, a Halloween store? Yeah, Spirit Halloween. Monkeys loose in the Halloween store? Oh my God, dream come true for everyone except the monkey owner and probably the people that work out

and run and own the Spirit Halloween. Yeah, and the lady who got her face pulled off. The monkey doesn't know that a Dracula or a witch isn't real. You know? No, but I do think that they have an aesthetic appreciation of the cape and the accoutrements. This place is filled with fucking skeletons. Shit.

I'm in trouble. Yeah, it's some sort of human graveyard. Oh, their ancestors are here, and they're getting around. They're a burial ground for humans. Oh, fuck. I can out of here. Come from me next. Ben, what?

Okay, so the dancing, the dancing, the dancing, Warcraft, Warhabber character, is it the Hillary was right, shadow. What were you doing in here? I just sort of click around. I just sort of take the temperature of what the mood is in there. You just click around. I never. Let's click around.

Make sure no one's been weird saying anything about our feet or anything like that. Yeah. Hey, one thing I've been wondering about for a while is how come feet stuff's a thing? But, like, people aren't looking at hands and, like, janking. Oh, people are in hands. Don't worry. Are they think people aren't into hands?

People are in the hands? I mean, obviously with, like, you know, when population approaches infinity, there's going to be people that are into thumbnails or whatever, right? But like, but not to that. There's no people, there's footpedia, is what I'm saying. Why is it so prevalent? Because the hands are already involved. The hands are already involved in the sexual acts.

Oh, and you're saying that the feet aren't is normal. Hand job is different. It's outside of the, yeah. It's okay to only do hand jobs and nothing else. That's normal. Sometimes. It's okay to do hand jobs in lieu of sex entirely. I'm a whole marriage.

I'm a loose here. I think there are ample opportunities for you to see hands at play in pretty regular stuff. Okay, but just because it's outside the normal balance. mouths and stuff. Yeah. Hands are already in mouths. Can you ever see how horny women get about like forearms and stuff? Oh, I'm going to know.

Just want men. You see a good pair of forearms. They got that little, that one, the top muscle on the forearm. It's a little like corded. Attached to some big strong hands. A little bit of hair on there. Don't worry, Theo. People are into it.

But like people have specific stuff where they're like. I'm worried now because my hands aren't big and strong, but they do have arthritis. I think I've got to take some like turmeric or something. That's not going to I think people have specific stuff where they want a hand job with someone that has like long nails specifically and stuff like that

where it's like specific hand business I'm speaking of disgusting sex stuff sorry it's not disgusting it's normal whatever you're into unless it's illegal or creepy we Lucy and I met a listener yesterday who is not themselves I don't know how to say this

we met a team that listens to the show Oh, oh. Bad start. There's maybe like, what do you reckon? Like 14 or 15 maybe? 14-ish? And he was at the bar with his dad because they'd bring their dog in for the dog of the ear competition. And I just never had ever considered that someone at the age of 18 would ever listen to this podcast.

Yeah, I just never considered that. I was like, oh, no. I'm really sorry about it. Well, we apologize in person, but also the episode's vetted for him in advance. Oh, okay. That's nice. So, like, we, there are somewhere there's not like. gross sex talk I also think that

forthright talk is like way better than like at that age than like going online and seeing horrible stuff that is better to hear four people arguing about foot jobs versus hand jobs yeah

like four normal people that sort of give you realistic ideas of the world not the shit that you would find online right and we and we recognise there's no one thing that's normal sometimes there's four things that are normal and they're all accounted for on one show

things normal and then anything outside of those four, no good. We don't like it. And if one of us goes silent where the other three are like ripping into something? You can, yeah. You can sort of read between lines a little bit. Or they're on their phone.

Yeah. Well, or yeah, they're looking at a gif of a Skaven dancing. Look at him go. Quote, this was Animal Kingdom Live, said Arlene Pinkston, who was shopping with her daughters at the Spirit Halloween off US 75. I guess many things are like Animal Kingdom Live.

Yeah. Yeah, like when you see a bird. It's so funny. Wow, this is like the TV show that has real life animal stuff, but in real life. Americans are sick. I can simplify your flowchart here, lady. This is, I can't get over how incredibly American this sounds. Arlene Pinkston was shopping at the Spirit Halloween in Plano, Dallas Fort Worth.

Texas. Arlene pinkster. That is 90% American words by weight. Side of the highway, saw a monkey and it's like, this is just like TV. Yeah, I saw an edible in real life and that's just like when in TV they show animals in real life. I love the American people so much. Do you have an outside still?

Is it still there? You can't really because she's driven and then pulled over on the side of the highway into the spirit Halloween. It's so nasty. like I was I was reading about the mall that they were building in America I think it was in Pennsylvania it was going to be the largest in the world when it was built and it was built but it's nowhere it's not like our beautiful Queen Street mall where it's in the center of the CBD thriving center it's like it's like they had to build it it it's the biggest in the world because they could build it because it's in nowhere and you've got to get in your car and you've got to drive like half an hour to get to it. Oh, it's like when China builds these, like, megacities in the middle of nowhere, because that's where all the empty spaces. It's smart.

That's a smart place to put your mall. Put it where you don't already have a city. Yeah. And then people go to it. If you build it, they will come. Yeah. You know what's fucking me up right now? Bronco.

Mall of America, which I've been holding in my head as the world's largest mall, is the 12th largest mall in the world. Yeah, it can't be. Yeah, we've moved ahead in mall technology. There's bigger malls, right? America's not even in like the top, they're not in the top 10, like the 12th is the biggest is what they got. Iran is in their Iran mall, number one, the avenues in Kuwait, number two, there's one in Malaysia, one in Iran, one in China, one in the Philippines, another two in China, three in Thailand. I just don't get, like, you get, so in beautiful Osaka, you hop out of the train station and there's just like an enormous mall, bigger than you could possibly imagine in your time.

little Australian brains, right? And you walk in and there's all this stuff there. They've got like, 10 level malls, yeah. And you're like, of course this is here. This is where the people are. Yeah. I'm not driving to fucking West Logan to go to a mall. That's crazy.

Someone told me yesterday that Edmonton in Canada has the largest mall in the world. I was already thinking about large malls. Yeah, people could just keep saying that's kind of stuff. And that's the 29th largest mall in the world. Wow. Yeah, wow. What a great claim to fame. More Canadian excellence.

We love our Canadian friends. We love them. Quote, my daughter looked up and she said, What in the world? And she's like, is that a real monkey? And I looked up and said, well, it's got a diaper, so I guess it is real. It had a diaper.

That's how you judge whether a monkey's real? Dipido ergo sum. I swear it a little diaper. Therefore, it is. Oh, boy. It's got a diaper on, so I guess it is real. You believe an animal could only be real if it is owned? Interesting.

What is the, like, if I'm being crazy generous, is it like, well, if I was just hallucinating a monkey, I probably wouldn't have included the detail of it wearing a diaper. If it was like a puppet. Well, if it was a puppet or something. Oh, a puppet wouldn't have a diaper on? Also, this is a thought you have in your head and you immediately revise it to go like, no, that's a stupid thing. I should make this make sense. Yeah. Kingston said she took out her phone to record the moment certain no one would believe her otherwise.

Quote, it'll definitely be one that I will not forget any time soon, she said. Jimmy Harris, a store employee, said the pet monkey appeared to have gotten spooked by the store's animatronic decorations and ran away from its owner. Yeah, no shit. He took him into the scary store. Holy fucking shit It's a homie Quote It was entertaining

Harris said A lot of people just stood and watched it For like 30 minutes The whole time They were like monkey And we had kids Trying to catch it

A bunch of Texans Stead around The whole time They were like monkey Monkey Monkey Not one person thought To shoot that monkey

Yeah Fuck There must be so many Itchy trigger fingers While we're talking about monkeys dying. Can I give you guys a real quick dump it? Just a real quick one? Let's do it.

When the story ain't funny enough Don't it. When there ain't enough funny stuff drunk it. If you walk the show to be good then gone and dumb all that stuff. Oh you know what? This is dumb

dump it. Trash into the garbage. All right so do you guys hear about that truck that overturned Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got sent that many, many, many times. Yeah. So, which is why we didn't use it mostly.

So there was this thing where... It doesn't like something if it's too popular. That's right. A truck overturned and all the headlines were like disease-infected monkeys escape from truck spill or whatever, somewhere in America. It turns out they weren't infected with any diseases. They clarified that pretty quickly, but a bunch of the monkeys got out. Some of them have been recovered.

At least two of them have been shot by just like regular folks. that the bit about this I wanted to include was there was one woman who like saw one out the front of her house and was like oh shit got a gun shot and killed it. The ape times have come the news was talking to her about it

and like the quote that they read from this woman was she just did what any other mother would do instantly airhol a monkey I don't think my mom would shoot a monkey. I don't know what's going on with the psychology at the moment. The world is so fucking crazy. Everyone's crazy now. Now is the time of monsters.

It's just... Did what any Christian mother would do. It's so good. And like she kind of goes on to say that, you know, she was thinking like she knows she can protect her family. But what if there was like, what if it went into a. another house that got a charge, but she couldn't have that, she couldn't have that on a conscience, so she had to do according to her conscience, what she felt was right.

I know the Joneses down there, they don't have a Desert Eagle. They don't have a Desert Eagle 50 Cal, put a hole straight through a monkey. We got a family that just moved here from Seattle, so I know they don't have a gun. They're sort of like EVs, that kind of thing. They got a Niss-A-leaf. They hold the monkey. Fuck, this is just, it's not a... you guys aren't living in a real, real normal place.

Just, I want you to, this is maybe for your own mental well-being because you kind of, I don't want you to start going crazy and think, is this normal? The stuff that's happening around you? It's not. Other places aren't like that. I mean, it's a little crazy here. Yeah.

We had some monkeys go get loose in Sydney in like, what, 2019 or something. And we all kind of went a bit crazy about it and then sort of corralled them back into a box or whatever. Really, like, low-level, low-effort jokes made on Twitter all day by people with sort of media jobs. Yeah, people in the Sydney media landscape. Oh, I guess those chimps must have wanted a cappuccino. Yeah. What?

Oh, the monkeys are out and trying to get a yumbow. They're trying to get a little bit more than a yumbo. The monkeys escaped because they wanted to get the limited time offer from 100 jacks. Yombo, which was probably at the same time. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Oh, the monkey yumbo confluence? I don't actually think that it's normal or good to see one of God's beautiful creatures

and for your first thought to be, someone has to kill that. Yeah. Hey, I wasn't expecting to see this kind of animal here. I'd better immediately kill it. Monkey, he's just like you. He's mostly you. We have more in common than we do differences, you know? Look, it's jacking it.

Just like you. Just like you. Hey, that was definitely an episode of the podcast. Pointe vista, thank you so, so much for joining us on this crazy ride. If you have a young child that you would like to introduce to this podcast, I want you to know that I do actually toggle the explicit flag based on whether or not there were any crude or distasteful jokes on the episodes. And I think...

In the last year, I've maybe not released an episode with the explicit flag on it like three times. So, you know, if you want to really selectively sort of dole it out, that is an option to you. Your 12-year-old will love this show. If you want more of this podcast, we do two episodes a week. And for about seven to eight, eight bucks 50 Australian, I think it works out too. you can get four extra episodes a month, sometimes five, depending on how the calendar is worked out, I guess.

In February, you're not getting that. Well, maybe. It depends how they line up, yeah. Otherwise, that's it. Thank you so much for joining us. Keep sending us in stories of the paranormal. Yes. Keep rocking in the free world.

Don't fucking make shit up just to get read on the podcast. It's an honor system. It's an honor system. Follow the Bushido code Would a samurai make up a story About a goblin or an imp Or would they be bound by honour Yes

Yes Would they lie about a fear of it as well If it's not real It's kind of boring and stupid Exactly think to yourself If I were an honourable samurai Would I tell a lie about having seen a kappa? Yes

No I wouldn't I wouldn't tell my lord about that But I'd only do it if I had really seen the kappa Bye Bye. Bye DJ, fortune to live Shadow stage at cloud, cloud, come down.