Boonta Vista - EPISODE 51: Public Indecency

Episode Date: June 11, 2018

The boy wonder has returned. Join the crew as we attempt to humour Caleb Bond's latest piece of very poorly thought out writing. Also, another edition of Paging Dr. Lucy. Support the show and get exclusive bonus episodes by subscribing on Patreon: www.patreon.com/BoontaVista Merchandise now available: boontavista.com/merchandise _____________________________ Twitter: twitter.com/boontavista iTunes: tinyurl.com/y8d5aenm Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/s?fid=144888&refid=stpr Pocket Casts: pca.st/SPZB RSS: tinyurl.com/kq84ddb

Welcome to Buonto Vista episode 51. Uh, Cinco Uno. There's probably a way of saying 51 is a number. No? What's... No? I mean I'm 100% certain that's not right, but that doesn't mean that I know what the correct one is. Well, look, I'm just saying 5 and 1, aren't I? Yeah, sure. So, so episode 6. Yes, episode 5 plus 1, which as we all know, it works in a Roman numerals fashion. Yeah, yeah, sure, why not? Why not? We're in our 50s now, folks. We're thinking about retiring, moving to the coast. Living in a caravan.

That was quick. We just celebrated our anniversary. That sounds nice. Yeah, I know. It does sound nice, actually. Yeah, I'm going to hop on Facebook, and start posting on like any kind of semi-risk-a-fotaught photo with like, hi, sweetie, you look nice. And then in my Facebook avatar, will also be a picture, like, be me and my wife and possibly some of my children. That's right, folks. He wasn't here for the big 50th anniversary spectacular, but he's here now. Beautiful Theo.

Thank you. Hello. Or, as he's now known because of the last episode, Teddy. Yeah, okay. I can roll with that. I don't feel like you would. I don't. He said he would. Okay. No, no, it sounds fine.

We also have Lucy. Hello, Lucy. Hi. I want a nickname. Lulu. Uh-huh. Take it back. Well received. Like a cool nickname, like something like...

Loose stool. Well, we all established an earlier nickname that was at high school in which your nickname was loose woman. Yeah, let's not do that again. Yeah, see? Think better and get asked for nicknames. I mean, you don't want to mislead anyone with the impression that you're actually having sex at the moment. Exactly. Oh. And of course we have Ben. Hello, Ben. Hey, hello to Andrew and to the other people in the

podcast who I won't mention by name. How's your football team doing in the big football team playoff? Um, no, I don't really really really the football the football the football the football the football the football the football th football th football football football football football football th football th football th football th football. th football. thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to football team playoff. Um, no, I don't really follow sports, so... Ben's decided that football's stupid. Yeah, I'm into books now, so... Yeah, just books. Well, you know, it's certainly, it's a game of three's. And it could, it's anyone's game. It could go anywhere from here, you know. I think it was New South Wales that's game though. At this point, if you draw yourself a little bit back further from the picture and have a broader perspective,

anything could happen in the future. Yeah, it's true Queensland could lose more games. Well, look, you know, you don't need every single player that's made your team great for it's not really that big a deal, and I'm sure we'll be fine. I've got a lot of talent, a lot of talent on that team. Sounds great. Sounds like it's going swimmingly. I am Andrew.

Hello. I just remember at some point that I have not said my name. Always at some stage of the game I go. And who are you? No one knows it. Everyone listening just has no idea what your name is. It's just the narrator. I've listened to a bunch of like really professional podcasts where the way they introduce each other is by saying the other person's name, right? So it's only like a one beat thing where they're like, hi, that person's name and they say,

that person's name and they get on with the their on th. on their on their their their their their their name and then they get on with it except I think you need to be slightly smarter than I am to immediately make the association and go all right so that means the other that other voice say it back yeah I'm not quite smart enough to follow it but I bet for their smart audiences yeah that works a treat look man we're not that kind of podcast um it's it's it's enough that I have remembered a three people's th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th that that that that that that that that that that that I that that that that I that that that that that that that I that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th th th th th th th that that that that that that the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their that that that that I have remembered A, three people's names, B, to say them. Four if you count yourself. Yeah, and then C, we said people, to say my name at the end. Wow. Coming in hot tonight, Ben.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I've had a couple of wines, which is not my normal thing. He's all rowdy on $5 wine. It's even better than $5 wine. It is the various the various the various the various th.00.00. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is the th. thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to say. to say to say to say to say to say to say. to say. to say. to say. to say. to say. to to to to say. to to to to th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to It's even better than $5.00. It is the various half bottles of red wine that were left over after my birthday party in the morning. Like found nestled in the bushes and in the grass as I was cleaning up the day after. So I didn't need to watch. Like I looked at the label of this and I can't figure out the varietal of it at all. Oh no, I believe it's a sun joe v. say. Hmm. That's fancy. But yeah, I'm on the beers.

But it's very cold right now. So I thought, hey, I have a an open bottle of red wine from a week ago. Yeah let me just let me just check here what's a Brisbane person's idea of cold? Let me have a look at the weather here. It's a practically glacial 13 degrees to 15 at the moment where I am. No but it'll go down to 13. Yeah well it'll get down to the low teams overnight yeah Yeah. It'll be 12 at about 5 a.m. Pretty grim stuff. Windows closed, blankets are on. You can't really close the windows in my house. So much. That's the thing you've taken from house to house is the inability to form a closed box. Well, I mean, you could, in theory,

oh no, you couldn't last one either. You're right, actually. I put it to you that that's kind of a fundamental feature of a dwelling. The ability to close yourself inside of it. Well, maybe in the southern states, but I walk a different path. Yeah, a path where you complain about it being 15 degrees. Anyway. path. Yeah, a path where you complain about it being 15 degrees. Anyway, since we've heard what kind of dregs of gutter bush wine, Ben is drinking, should we get a can check? Should we get a

little can check? What are you going, Theo? I've also got wine dregs. It's a red wine we opened several weeks ago. It's a several weeks. That's a lot of time to breathe. It's very osterated at this point. That's right. It's a Spanish wine, it can't remember what kind. There's a bull on the cover. Of course. Of course. It's not on the on the, yeah, so if that narrows it down. It's not O'Lei, is it? It's not Old El Paso brand wine. All right, just checking. And how about you, Lizzie?

I'm drinking a penfold chara, so I guess I'm the sophisticated member of the podca. What's going on? What's it? I didn't know this was a wine cast now, apparently. a wine cast now apparently. Well we've turned 50 Andrew. Yeah, well I guess. We've been out the penfolds on a weeknight. We're 50 now. You think we're gonna be fucking smashing a few tinnies of Eldritch Beard fuckers

double IPA? No, I seized middle-aged people now. The vineyards we visited abroad. The vineyards, the bushes outside your house. There are vines and it is my yard. Well as the only person apparently who drinks a beer anymore I'm having a furfy refreshing ale. Of course you are. Oh that's one of the major breweries pretending to be at Craft Beer Beers isn't it? Yeah, probably. I don't know. It's the tacky beer here now. It's the Carlton Draft of Melbourne. What's wrong with Carl Draft? Where does that relegate Carlton Draft to in the hierarchy?

Not even on the taps anymore. It's gone. It's done. It relegates Carl and Draft to a few. It's a to a to a to a to a to a to a to a to. Anyway, folks. Sounds nice. What are we, what are we got the news this week? I'll tell you what? I was going to ask, why are you asking? You're the man that introduces this concept. That's more of a rhetorical device. It turns out that the Australian Associated Press Slash and workforce numbers. They have declared thes out that the Australian Associated Press slash in workforce

numbers. They have declared their intent to sack a whole bunch of journals. That rare breed journalists. The thing that people love to fire. So via the website of the media union M.E.A.A.A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A.A.A.A.A.A. that said there has been strong support for AAP journalists. After the company announced it would be making up to 15% of its workforce redundant. On Tuesday, AAP told staff it planned to make 20 to 25 editorial positions redundant before June 30, leaving employees only a week to consider their options. Pretty rough. Pressure from MEAA members at AAP led management to an extension of the deadline for applications for

voluntary redundancy to a cutoff of midday on Friday, June 15th. So yeah they've pretty much to tell people, hey you've got one week to choose if you want to take a voluntary redundancy or see if you get fired. Real Sophie's choice. Is that what a Sophie's choices? Nope. Uh, I refuse to see the movie. Yeah. Oh, it sounds like a downer, man. I'm pretty sure it's choosing which one of your kids to kill, isn't it?, that is a Sophie's choice. Yeah, yeah, kill one of your babies. Support for AAP journalists has come from the House committees of MEAA members at the Sydney Morning Herald, the Age and the Australian Financial Review newspapers. Support has also been pouring in via Twitter. End quote.

And I tell you what, it certainly has. The report has also been pouring in via Twitter. End quote. And I tell you what, it certainly has. Most notably from 18-year-old, journalistic big bearded child and friend of the show, Caleb Bond. That's right, folks. Caleb's back. Caleb's back.

We got pretty mad recently when we found out that he has a full beard it's better than both Theo and Ben's beards. Oh well. No let's see him out the argument, go for it. I think if Theo gave his beard a long enough time he could grow a quite nice beard. Oh that's so kind I was expecting you to support your own beard but you... no mine's shit-outs. But yours comes in very, very quickly. I feel like it would fill out fantastically if you ever took the time. I've had a lot of compliments on the beard coming in.

What kind of coverage are you got? Zero. I assume that all of the compliments are a long troll to see how long and bad I'll let it get. Well, see, that's weird because usually when people compliment you, you assume it's completely sincere and then take it on board and then let your self-esteem grow in some fashion. Yeah, that'd be pretty normal. So Caleb Bond expressed his support on Twitter by saying,

Thinking of my fellow journalists at AAP, who are currently unsure if they'll have a job at the end of the month. They're mostly young, energetic, and very hard working. So after receiving the general replies that he gets, such as shut up and also, who cares? Caleb shot back. Good to know you're on board with an uninformed future. Which really stuck in my craw and it was very ironic to me given that the last column that he wrote was a big extended screed about how he thinks that the state of South Australia is employing thousands of public servants too many on too high a wage and they should all lose their fucking jobs. Hmm. Not sure where I stand on this one to be honest.

So allow me to read to you as weigh to the past, a decent chunk of one of Caleb Bond's pieces, which can only be described as Dunderheaded. Have you guys got any other adjectives for just silly stupid stuff that you'd like to throw in there? I mean, you've already set the time with something as obscene and as filthy as that and I simply don't think I can beat it. I was going to go with Dunderhead as well, but if you've taken it, it doesn't really leave me much to stand on to be honest. Really stolen your Dunder. Anyway, allow me to read to you from Caleb Bond's piece. Caleb Bond, it's time for the government to cut back the ever-growing public service.

Adelaide is fast on the way to cut back the ever-growing public service. Adelaide is fast on the way to becoming a one-company town, and that company is the government. Not a company. Really not. There are about 750,000 people employed in this state. The state government has 106,118 of them on their books. About a seventh of SA works in the state public service. It is the biggest employer in the state by a country mile.

For a bit of perspective, the largest private employer in S.A. Peregrine Corporation, which owns on the run, employs 2,400. It's astounding. All these people working for the same outfit on the public pairs. For those of us in the private sector, this is where our taxes are going. These people don't come cheap. It's also kind of where people who work in the public services, it's where their taxes go to.

It's where everyone's taxes go to the same place. And he's making arbitrary distinctions between people whose contributions to the tax system are worthy and are not worthy. If the public servants had their way, chief executives would be paid as much as $637,000 a year. Which is kind of interesting to me given that politicians are like constantly lamenting that if they were in the private sector they'd be earning gigantic salaries but they're making like a big sacrifice only politicians. It's a weird, weird point to make that public sector CEOs make too much money?

Hmm. Yeah, you think so, well it's just this very obvious thing where, where it's, it's a, this default conservative position of, if money is being paid to someone from the public service, like from the public purse, it is a form of robbery, kind of grotesque robbery. Yeah, versus a fee that you have to pay to a private company, say like health insurance once a month for the rest of your life that somehow isn't... No, it's fine. That's fine. That's fine.

Yeah, Conservers always want a free market deciding people's salaries and the bigger the better, except if it's the public service then it's suddenly really really bad. th. th th th th th th th th th th the th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the theee the the the the the the the the the the the deciding people's salaries and the bigger the better Except if it's the public service then it's suddenly really bad and people should be getting paid nothing for some reason Well, I mean, I think this is something that I maybe agree with Caleb on is that probably public sector CEO salaries should be capped at about $150,000 a year is that probably public sector salaries should be capped at about $150,000 a year. I think he raises a good point on that, yeah. He is right that there should be a maximum wage and that any excess money earned should go immediately into the public purse. Yeah, you know what would make a difference on that front is if we didn't have this whole charade of like, you know, when someone like Tony Abbott gets in as Prime Minister and they say, the public service is too big and we're conservative so we're

going to cut back the public service. So they do things like what they did while Tony Abbott was PM and appointed someone like John Lloyd from the IPA to be the secretary of the Department of the Public Service, whatever it is. And he just effectively put a hiring freeze in place. of the Department of the Public Service, whatever it is, and he just effectively put a hiring freeze in place for like four, five, six years. So you just had all these people in all these jobs who couldn't move up or sideways or get raises or any of that sort of stuff. Solely so that they could say, ah, we're not letting the public service get any bigger, except that the population continues to grow,

and the services that currently exist need to continue. So instead they just put all that funding into discretionary spending and say, oh, well, we'll just get private contractors to do it, and we'll pay them three times what we would pay, someone if they were doing it as a permanent employee of the public service uh... such as all these fucking executives they have so he's mad about it but like

yeah if you just allowed the public service to have people you know who didn't have to be hired away as CEOs from like banks and energy companies as shit. You could probably do it for less than $637,000 a year. Continuing he says, imagine what we could buy for all the money those executives are on. More nurses, some hospital beds, funding for roads, on and on it goes. Wasn't he just lamenting the amount of people that are hired in the public sector? Yep. It's almost like what he's proposing is for government funding to go towards paying people to do jobs?

Yeah, the largest hiring sectors in the world? Yep. So yeah, like, and even if you were talking about, hey, we're going to put funding towards roads, who's going to fucking build them? Yeah, whether it's government employees or whether it's like private people servicing a contract, where the fuck does he think the money is coming from? Oh, well, that's easy to answer. What happens is you form a consortium of private contractors and then you build a toll road. And it just pays for itself. And it pays for itself. And you don't need taxes anywhere. And you could set the toll to be,

you know, let's say, $7,800. And look, you pay it off in, well, 400 years. Yeah, totally fine. I have no doubt that these executives' jobs are difficult ones. They're in charge of one of the state's most important outfits, but we have every right to question the value we get out of the other 1,29 government executives. What are they all doing? There are not 1,300 departments, who were they in charge of? Do they actually need anyone under them? Am I just asking rhetorical questions? Publicly available, but... Have I made any form of effort to find out the answer?

Am I just pretending to be mad because it's the public service? And that's what I'm obliged to do as a conservative? This is more speculation on my part than anything that Caleb is saying. And then you have the rank and file public servants. T-t-spitting at the mere mention of disgusting. Ugh. Yuck. Filthy. I've got to agree with him here.

Sorry if you're a public servant listening to the podcast, but you make me sick. Sick to my stomach. Well, it's funny that you say that actually. What just do you hang out a couple of paragraphs and see where he gets to do with this? Rank and file public servants. The people who fill the offices and do the paperwork and stand around the water cooler, a hundred and four thousand eight hundred and eighteen of them. Honestly, how much work can there possibly be for all these people? Like, we've all worked in offices before, right?

for all these people. Like we've we've all worked in offices before right? Any fucking office on the planet. Have you ever had a chat around a water cooler in your life? Oh look you know I would I would spend a maximum of six hours a day doing it but nothing unreasonable. Look I would say that I spent upwards of six to seven hours a day getting coffees. Uh, never fucking stood at a water cooler. Never done it. What do you do when you need cold water? First of all, I don't hydrate. The water is too cold.

Right, you don't need it. It's very cold. I don't need my water that cold. You can get it from the cup. You've tweeted at some point today or yesterday some fucking shit complaining about the fact that water from drinking fountains is cold. It's too cold. And I was so angry at it that I didn't even bother to check to see if other people had replied being like you fucking idiot. They did not. That th. I. I. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. I th. th th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th that that that that tho tho that that that thathea thoom- I thatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheat. You have to have to have to have to have to have to have to to have to to to to to that. You've that. You've that. You've that. You've that. You've that that that that that that that that that that that that. You've that that. You've that that that that the. You've the. You've to to to to to to to to to to to to to the. You all agreed with me to it to a man. They did not. That is not. I saw it. I saw it.

Unbelievable. What what pisses me off about this this stuff is that like number one have you ever worked in a fucking office like the idea that anybody who works in an office is productive for like eight or ten hours a day Oh no fucking ludicrous. Absolutely ridiculous. Oh man, so I worked on this like government programming project for a long time and you know you like with programming projects you do a breakdown of you know you estimate how long were your tasks going to take whatever, you figure out how many productive hours everyone has every day, and that's how you chip away

at how long, you know, it'll take you to do those tasks, whatever, how much you can fit. That is what we fucking ended up at. We were starting with our estimations, like, yeah, everyone's good for eight hours a day. I'm like, oh, I don't know, it's meetings, all right, admin stuff. We're always coming up just a little bit short and then by like six months in, we're like, all right, everyone is four good hours a day. But that's reality. Yeah, that's fucking reality.

And like, yeah, just this obsession about lost productivity man it's the devil's work this idea that you can keep like honing and sharpening how productive everybody is until the only instance in every day that they're inside the office they're like pumping out work and shit it's not how humans operate and it's fucking ridiculous and the suggestion that like that's how the government operates and that's how the public service operates and not how say every single business and government that is staffed by humans operates because what's the common element in all these things is you got fucking people doing these jobs and you know what

people would rather be doing than a job for eight hours a day Jackin' off internet shopping playing a fucking video game than a job for eight hours a day. Jagganoff. Internet shopping. Internet shopping, playing a fucking video game, almost anything, man. Browsing real estate.com, even though they're never going to move. I feel like people in offices love doing that. I love things. Oh, it's such a rush. I love browsing rentals.

Houses and Adelaide are quite cheap. Oh, Mount Crosby. Ooh. Hmm. Not gonna move there. I don't know where that is, but... More than anything else, more than anything else, I think... I think that Caleb is really showing his hand as being a massive fucking knock. Just one of those people who wants to spend all their time in an office policing other people's behavior. Oh, they don't seem like they're working really hard right now. Maybe should tell a boss about it. That's what's like I'm working so hard writing my fucking one column at whatever bullshit newspaper I write for. You imagine he's like disgusting Gremlin head like poking up from underneath your desk to be like, ah, I see you've

you've, you're actually looking at some non-work related content right now. You seem to have Sikh.com.aew open again? Do I need to refer this to a manager? You seem to have my Twitter account open and a replying, shut up, fuckface to all of my talkies. Now what, what really struck me about this article as well is how fucking hard can Caleb be working because there is approximately 0% research in anything about this fucking article other than a couple of figures. You have to understand that he's relying on his absolutely zero life experience to write this. He has he has googled how many public servants are employed in South Australia.

He has googled what is the average wage and like this is about it. He's got a couple of figures here that he's pulled from an annual report. But other than that, for, like, for example, okay, let's get through a couple of sentences to see what I mean. The average public servant is on $80,148 a year, which is well above the Adelaide average, a typical household brings in about $56,000 a year, according to the ABS. Now, number one... He's talking about medians and getting them mixed up with averages.

Well, probably, but also... Like, A, I wonder if them having a good wage that is above average is anything to do with the Australian public service having the highest union participation of any industry in Australia. It's probably just a weird coincidence that the industry that has the highest union participation also has wages that rise with inflation and cost of living and have good workplace conditions, but what the fuck would I know? But also like, what is the point of this sense? What's the fucking, what's the, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the, the the the the the highest, the highest, the highest, the highest, the highest, the highest, the highest, their, their, having their, having????? their, having, having, having, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their? their? their? their, their? their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their?I?I?I?I's their,, but what the fuck would I know? But also, like, what is the point of this sense? What's the fucking, what is the point?

Is the point that he thinks that these people should be earning less money? That he would enjoy it if these families were making $30,000 a year less? Does you think that would be good for the economy? I feel like Caleb, welcome to the resistance. I mean, you're making a lot of good points about the fact that a lot of executives make a lot of money. It's just interesting. Ugh. And it's not just what they do or don't do while they're at work. Again, just wild speculation based on the stereotype of public servants not doing any work.

He's got absolutely no evidence for any of this. No data in there. Yeah. Oh, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they they they're, they're they're they're th th th th th th thi thi, thi, thi, the fact, thi thi thi the fact thi thi thi thioliolk about thiolk about the fact the fact the fact the fact the fact the fact the fact the fact the fact thi, thi, th thi, thi th th thi th th th th thi thi, thi th thi thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi thi, I thi, I thi thi thi thi thate thate thate thate that that that that that that that that that that that that that that of this. Yeah, oh they stand around the water cooler, do they? What the fuck are you basing that off? Anyway, what they don't do while they're at work, it's what's happening when they're not there. The average public servant takes 10.1 sick days per year, according to government data, which is unusual when you only get 10 sick days per year according to government data, which is unusual when you only get 10 sick days. Again, he's so fucking close to getting stuff, like, do a few sums and you'll work out that that's 1,071,791.8 days of lost productivity. Just thinking of that number makes me feel a little sick. Jesus.

Fucking damn shit. Caleb's a leftist now, that's all I'm saying. In the private sector, many of us worry about taking sick days. Again, like, he's so fucking... He's so close to getting it. He's so close to getting that like- Talk to your union dude. Yeah, like, we just, he says,

we just wanna get the work done. And sometimes we feel bad about leaving our workmates in the lurch if we take a day off. I've taken one sick day in two years. It was a legitimate one too. You write a column in a newspaper. Also, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, to to two. Like you write a column in a newspaper. Also you're like 14 years old you don't get sick. Yeah you've got a crazy immune system because you're a

child. But like what what shits me about this is like that yeah many of us worry about taking sick days. Nope. Like number one again he's very close to getting it. Guess what? If you're a worker, you shouldn't actually have to dread like your employment becoming precarious if you are sick and you can't go to work that day. Oh no, no. His problem here is that government employees don't have shit working conditions.

That's what he's trying to fix. He needs to make sure that the shit is across the entire board. Across the board, yeah. Oh, well, we get chewed out if we take sick days or the fucking culture at our work is that everybody makes you feel like you've let the team down if you call in sick or anything like that. Get a better job my thick. thuuuuuuuuuuu. th. thatter. thu. that column. that column. that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that. that. that that. that that that that that that that that that that that that that that their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their is their is their is their is their their is their is their is their is that is that is that is that is that is that. that. that. that. that. that. theea. thea. thea. theat theat theat theat theat theat theat theat thea. Get a better job my dude. Yeah, exactly. Like a real job, because columnist is not one. Well, there's that too.

Like, yeah, he says many, and like, I've taken one sick day in two years, and it was legitimate too. Nice fucking backdoor brag. Like, and you know he's just another one of these dipshit who comes into work sick and coughing and spluttering all over everybody so he can act like the martyred hero who won't take a day off for anyone else meanwhile he's making like 16 other people sick. See the actual pro move is to come in when you're super sick sick so that people like wow they'll come in even when they're super sick

and then you can take as many fake sick days as you want you've like you've done the how I think he's dead yeah fuck he must be on well while you're like at the beach so he says many people don't have the luxury to call in sick but I guess it's easy when there are a hundred thousand other people who could step in for a day and again you're so close to getting it. Calling in sick isn't a fucking luxury. It should be a right for all employees. Your job security should not be at risk as a result of saying, I'm sick and I'm not going to go to work today.

I'll go one step further than that, and also argue for the legitimacy of the mental health day. If you want to use, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, tha, thia, thia, thia, to use, to use, to use, to use, to use, to use, to use, to use, to use, to use, to use, to use, to use, to to to to to to to to to to, thi, to tho, to, to, to, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, to, to, to, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th legitimacy of the mental health day. If you want to use, yeah, if you want to use a day of your personal leave, like once or twice a year to say, you know what? I woke up today and I was like, you know what? Not down with it. I'm not fucking into it, not going in. I feel like it will just be better for my mental health if I do not go into work today and you can take that as part of your personal leave or your sick leave

fucking fine there like a bunch of I mean there are no not a bunch but there are countries in some workplaces that have like the duvet day which is essentially that it is like a reasonless spontaneous day day off from work, from like stress or whatever, where you just wake up and you're like, fucking no, I don't want to get out of bed. I'm calling in one of these and that's it. And that's it, they can't question it or whatever, they're just like, right, fine. Yep. Well, in the same way that like, if you call in sick, your workplace shouldn't, thah, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, and thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, and thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. And, th. W. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tha. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th be able to say well what's wrong with you how bad is it? Oh I'm a kind of shit

percent you know it's fucking terrible. Caleb continues the sick years of course a great Australian tradition but when more than a million sick days are being pulled on our money it's fair to ask questions again again I don't actually understand what the question is that's being asked is the question how come these these these these these these these these these these these th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the th the th the the the th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their the the the the the the they. they. they. I's te. I's te. that's thi. I's thi. I's that's the same the same the same the same the question is that's being asked. Is the question how come these people have a better workplace conditions than me? Because that's all I'm getting out of it so far. The question is him going into the bedrooms of people that have taken sick days that are in government jobs and screaming at them with a megaphone. How are you sick? Show me the illness. Please show me your sores. Show me the flam.

He continues on. The one thing the public service does appear to be good at is employing women. What? What? What? Almost 70% of public servants are women. Oh no! Really? That's a fantastic statistic. Nurses and teachers, guys. Oh, right. I suspect the public service is a comfortable place for women.

They can leave to have a baby and know they'll come back to a job. Yes, good. Sounds great. How is that a bad thing? Like, my wife is in the public sector because they guarantee you this stuff. Like, how is that a bad thing? Yep. The trouble is, the public sector is growing when it should be shrinking.

It's not a trouble. Again, no actual, there's no evidence for this, there's no justification or anything like that. The employee numbers went up last year. It was the most significant increase in years. Job creation's good you fucking dip shit. Again there there is just absolutely no justification given at any point of this article. I know why you're so mad now Andrew I get it. I'm getting mad. I've been fucking steamed about this for days it's making me furious. Like I said, I don't understand. At no stage does he actually make any effort

to illustrate what the issue with this might be other than to say, oh well it's money from the public purse, which again, yeah, that's how public services run. It's just how things work. But yeah, like, and he doesn't make any case as to to. th th th th th th th th the to to to th to th th th th to th th th th thi it. I to the it to the to to the the the. I get it the. I get it the. I get it's that that that. I get it's that. I the. I the. I the. I that. I that. I that. I I I that. I I I I I I th. I I I I I I I I I I I I I th. I I I I th. I I I th. I I I I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I get I get I get I get I get get I get get get I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I public services run. It's just how things work. But yeah, and he doesn't make any case as to why the public sector growing, when the population continues to grow as a problem. He doesn't even explain why it's bad that the public service is the biggest employer in South Australia, because, as I was saying, what's the alternative? Would he love it if they said, hey, we're gonna slash 3,000 jobs from the public service and now 3,000 people in South Australia are unemployed, car feed their fucking families? Oh, that'd be sweet. What a great victory for conservatives.

But it's a typical Caleb Column, right? Because he goes to lengths to disprove his own point. Like at every fork in the road, he points both of them out and then takes the wrong one. Like repeatedly. Like, you know, he discusses wanting value from this. And you can go and show, you know, like public sector health care usually costs somewhere to a half, two-thirds of what private sector health care usually costs somewhere to a half to two-thirds of what private sector health care costs, right? You know, why have we got all these people employed? Well, I mean, you spend like five seconds looking into it and you go, well, that's nurses and teachers and these are the biggest employees,

employers in just about anywhere, right? Like at every step of the way, he points out where he's going wrong and then just refuses to hear why. Oh, would you like you hear him do it again? Absolutely. We now have a new treasurer and it's time for the government to crack down on the public service. Again, no reasoning given for why, no justification. Of course, no one likes losing their job, especially if it's forced, like let's say maybe a forced redundancy for AAP journalists?

I don't know. But much of the private sector is facing redundancy and restructure as the world changes around us. Again, it's not actually good, you fucking idiot. There are undoubtedly people in the private world who have made careers out of doing nothing and been entrenched in businesses and workplaces. Again, that's because workplaces are almost 100% staffed by humans. And some of them are just not into doing that much shit. Those people are gradually being weeded out as belts begin to tighten.

I disagree. Every workplace is just gonna have people who aren't into it. Like, and... Again, he provides no evidence for this claim because it's a completely sweeping generalization about all workplaces and all workers. Like he's just saying, ah, but all the people who suck are being weeded out of private businesses.

How, what, on what possible basis could he justify that? Because, because, you know, the resources of these companies are entirely human, all of these things are dynamic. They're all changing all the time. Like, you could have somebody working in one of these offices who's doing great and is as productive as Caleb wants and is contributing all kinds of stuff. And then his wife and kids get killed in a fucking car rack one day. And that guy just stops being productive in any way shape or form and he comes in a work and he sits there with his gray face and

stares to his computer and stops giving a fuck about anything very specific. Yes. Hauntingly specific. Well, I'm sorry for my potent imagery guys guys. But my point is my point is that like it's this shit. It's this shit. It's thing. It's thing. It's thing. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thi. It's thi. It's the thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's the thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's the thi. It's the they. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thee. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. the. the. the. my point is, my point is that like, it's this shit of just treating people like numbers. This whole thing of acting like humans are just these interchangeable numbers when in reality, it's they're talking about dynamic human lives. All these things change and continue to fluctuate all the time and as if you can just say, ah all these people are being weeded out, know the fuck they aren't. Justify that in some way, bullshit. He literally has no idea. His entire life has been, he went, he went on rove a bunch

and then suddenly was hired to write about race realism. Like... Yeah, someone went, imagine a 12-year-old Andrew Bolt and gave th. And th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. All, th. All, the, the, the, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. And, th. And, thi. And, thi. thi. theeeeeeeeeeeean. Weean. And, thean. Weean. Wea. Wea. Wea. And, thea. Wea. Wea. And, the. Like, yeah, someone went, imagine a 12-year-old Andrew Bolt and gave him a column. He has no fucking idea how anything works. Anyone that's ever worked, I mean, a job that's not in government in an office will be the first to tell you that 90% of the people they work with are dead weight. People that have no fucking idea what they're doing they get paid twice as much as you do to just like talk and get everything wrong and somehow get promoted. Yeah. And at least in the public sector there's a structure around that right? Like it's very rigidly structured in like departments and all that sort of stuff whereas yeah you'll have to be

able to prove like if someone who went for a job says oh that's bullshit I should have got that job they need to be able to like prove on paper this is the person who was most qualified for this role who applied yeah that sort of stuff I'm not saying that there's nobody who kind of gets you know their deal sweetened or whatever but if like if you're looking for nepotism and people being put into roles that they have absolutely no place being in and all that sort of stuff, that's going to happen way the fuck more in the private sector. It's probably people just talking their way into positions. Caleb continues, but the public service has no commercial imperative so it's much easier

to dip into the endless pot of cash and keep people in a job. But they should not be immune. Any treasurer would worry about a revolt of the public service if he tried sacking people. Imagine if a hundred and six thousand people decided to go on strike for a day. Again he's so close to getting it. And also, they sack people from to go on strike for a day. Again, he's so close to getting it. But and also, they sack people from the public sector all the time. And what does it do? It fucking ruins society.

But didn't Campbell Newman cut something like, huge? No, it can't have been 10,000 jobs. Do I make that? Here's a perfect example for you, right? So that guy that I was talking about the the the the the the th... th. th. th. th. th.. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi people thi people thi people th. th. th. th. th. thi people people people thi people that they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that that that that that that that that that that that. that. they they they they they two thousand jobs. Do I make that number up? No, no, no, here's a perfect example for you, right? So that guy that I was talking about earlier, the guy from the IPA who Tony Abbott installed as the Australian Public Service Commission of John Lloyd. He is the APS code of conduct and there was the strong suggestion through Senate estimates that it was because he had been doing like improper use of APS resources and that sort of

stuff there were things that had surfaced through Senate estimates like him using his email address as the Australian Public Service Commissioner to send emails to his former colleagues at the IPA after he had given statements in Senate estimates thinking saying that they should cut heaps of public service employees, sending them emails saying more free publicity for the IPA today boys. So purely 110% ideological appointment. He has done absolutely nothing but just erode confidence in anybody's job security and all that sort of stuff. He's just basically frozen employment and all that sort of stuff. And do you know what that shit led to?

Them saying, we're not going to hire anybody new, we're not going to give anybody the resources that they need to have as the country's population continues to grow over the course of half a decade. That led directly to shit-like, the center-linked robo-debt thing, where they said, Hey, we don't have enough people to staff all this stuff that we want and the government's desperately obsessed with like treating it as though it's a business that needs to be making a profit.

So let's just have this thing that automatically bangs out accused debts and sends them to people and fucks with their lives for ages. Yeah, like, you know, you call it's a wholeto talk about there being a whole bunch of wasted space, but of course gives no, you know, no proof to it. And you can just point to literally any government department under the, you know, Turnbull government. I know it's not state, it's federal, but like, yeah, and there's no one manning the phones at CenterLink so that people can't dial in to say, hey, this debt that you generated through a computer

program that's fucked is not mine. Because they fucked up very basic maths, which is amazing. So he says, imagine if a hundred and six thousand people decided to go on strike for a day. Yeah, it's almost as though like, um, organized workers taking collective action would have a really significant impact, isn't it? Weird. Weird observation to make. And he says in parentheses, so that may just prove that they don't do any work.

Don't really, really get how it's the case. In a perfect world, we'd slash and burn. Give fat cat executives the punt now. But a hundred and six thousand people make up a fair chunk of the voting population, and if you put them offside, you're in big trouble. Politicians are scared of the public service, of their own employees.

They worry about the ramifications of sorting them out. Again, absolutely no evidence for the idea that they need sorting out other than like, there are a lot of them. Why are you doing this to us, Andrew? There's no justification. Why have you done this to us? I'm on the last sense. Okay. It's okay. Now, now this, here's a perfect example of what you were talking about, Theo, of constantly

disproving his own, his own, like, thesis. This is the last paragraph of this piece. At the very least, the government ought to assess what these people are actually doing. So you got no idea what they are doing. It's all just, the entire column has been wild speculation. If the government needs a hundred and six thousand people to get work done, then I'm a Russian astronaut. Ah, God.

I'm going to say, it's a so again. What does he think of government? It's a start of Caleb's turn to the left. He's mad at people who make too much money and don't, andthings at their jobs and he's misdirecting it. Also he really wants to be a cosmonaut. Apparently he doesn't know the word cosmonaut. So what does he think that the government does? Where he's like, oh they seem to have a lot of employees? Is it just like, oh they're the ones that open the box that control traffic lights and then do that and that's the government is that them what are the other things they do I got a question let's imagine that the essay government said we're going to

undertake a comprehensive audit of a hundred and six thousand staff to find out exactly what they do and whether it's appropriate to be paying them how much money we're paying them. How much much the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their the other. the other the other the other the other the other the other the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tho. tho. thooooooooooooooo. thooooooooo tho the the other the the other the other the other the the the the the the the thousand staff to find out exactly what they do and Whether it's appropriate to be paying them how much money we're paying them how much money do you think that audit would cost? And then as a second part to that question, I wonder where that money had come from? I wonder if Caleb would be mad about how much money they're spending to see exactly what a hundred and six thousand different employees are doing. Yeah, fucking idiot! God he's so dumb! So I just did a very, very quick Google and of course, so what do we say that the average executive in... He said that the average public servant is on 80,148,000 dollars.

Didn't they say the average executive or there are up to 600,000? He said if public servants had their way, chief executives would be paid as much as $637,000. So just a quick, quick Google, brings up a study from corporate advisor Conrad Leveris, showing that the remuneration of executives at the 100 biggest companies in Australia, average of 4.75 million each. Cracking. Yeah, but that's probably worth it. You know? It's an insane point to make.

Like, yeah, like all of it. It's not like any of us are saying, oh yeah, all executives should be getting paid millions of dollars or anything like that. But like you're saying, if the idea is that the most obscenely high amount of money that a public servant executive could be making is $600,000, you... th a thous, to a thous, thous, to $1, thous,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 a year,000,000,000,000,000, th, th, th, th, it's a thi, it's a thi, it, it's thi, it's to to to to to to to to to to to to, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's to, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, to to th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, the idea is that the most obscenely high amount of money that a public servant executive could be making is six hundred thousand dollars a year yeah I mean me what's that um fuck five six seven eight times the average hmm but the fun thing is that they would be pissed off if the public sector had even vaguely competitive, you know, CEO wages, but then also would be pissed off if no one wanted to be,

like, if everyone just left to go to the private sector because the CEO wages are much higher and then things end up being run into the ground by not CEOs, they would be pissed off at the incompetence as well. Like there's literally no winning. All they want is everything privatized all the time. Yeah, despite the fact that time and time and time again gives you way less value because it just it doesn't serve, you know he's talking about there not being a commercial interest to what they're doing in the public sector right and that should be the case right there shouldn't be a commercial

interest in running a hospital there shouldn't be a commercial teering turns towards exploitation a hundred percent of the time. 100 percent right there shouldn't be a commercial interest in running a hospital. There shouldn't be a commercial... Profituring turns towards exploitation 100% of the time. 100% right? There shouldn't be a commercial interest in running a school, right? It always, always, always just ends in costing people more and that money going straight to the top, right? Like it every, every single time, right? So if he's worried about value, then of course, again, it should be the public sector, the private, right, right, right, right, in in in in in in in in in in, in, in, in, in in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in the private, in the private, in the private, in the private, in the private, in their, in their, in their, their, in their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the So if he's worried about value, then of course, again, it should be the private sector that he should be looking at, right? Like, it's... Well, wait, Theo, that's... it's not true that all that money goes straight to one person, because they have to pay all of the money that they do for recruitment. And they also have to pay like 10% on top to whatever like agency that they hire a person through and they have to pay like all the processing fees on top of that. So it's not just paying 150 or 200% of the rate you would pay someone if they were

a full-time public servant to do a job. There's also all the other shit that goes along. And also, you know, coming in the front door, you don't want to go straight to the hospital, right? Like, you don't want to go straight to the private hospital. What you want to do is you want their job. You should certainly make sure that they also have a vested interest in making sure that they get the most money and you get the things that cost them the least. We'll see you want the best and brightest,

right? Otherwise, how would you know you're getting the best deal? So what's important is that you start creating all of these layers and making sure that those all are efficiently grifting people as well. Ideally. It's just walking in the front door and going, oh no, no, my tax is paid for this. What I want between me and having my open heart surgery is seven layers of grifters. Yeah, I want, I want just before the anesthetic kicks in, that's time to be signing paperwork I think frantically. Or just after even in the part we are counting backwards from 10. Yeah look I don't even need to see what's on it just.

I'm not going to be able to read it I'm half half asleep just put in front of me. Rub a band. I'm already on seven. And they're just sort of jerk the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. Just before just before just before just before just before just before just before just before just before just th. Just th. Just th. Just th. Just the an an an an an anesth. Just the an anesth. Just the an anesth. the an anesth. Just the an anesth. the an anesth. Just the an anesth. Just the an an an anesth. going to be able to read it, I'm half asleep, just put it in front of me. Rubber band, I'm already on seven, I'm already on seven. And they're just sort of jerking around a little. So we're running out of time. We're going to have to leave Caleb in the dust. What a shame I was just getting mad. to fucking the description of the podcast, and his name searched again and he's listened to it again, much like you did,

we're the one where a member of the podcast, I can't remember who, threatened to shoot him with a gun. Some one has a member of the MAA. Is there anything anyone would like to say? I would like to say, Caleb if you want to chat if you the the the the the the to the to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to to to the to to to to to to chat, to chat, to chat, to, to, to, to, to to to to, the, the, to the, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th... tho, tho, tho, threat. threathea, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, where, where, where, if... I wonder if he's a member of the MAA actually. Well, it's funnily enough, somebody replied to him when he said, oh, I see that you're in favor of uncertain employment. And somebody said, yeah, if only there were like some kind of union they could join that would help them with job security.

And he said, how is them being in a union going to make their industry more profitable? Oh, my man's confused. He's very confused. He's very confused. He's so dumb. Folks, if you'd like to go back through the archives and visit some previous roasts of Caleb from us, there are quite a few.

So get at us if you'd like to know which ones they are. But we got to move on quickly. We've got to skip down the road because it's time for a visit with somebody's special. That's right folks I'm talking about Dr. Lucy. It's still funny. It's still funny. Lucy. All right, I'm going to stick to one. Well, I feel like I should tell people what the deal is if they don't know. Of course.

Lucy loves spending many hours in the middle of the night scouring over Reddit, laughing at people's terrible problems. And she brings them to us and we offer some advice. So Lucy what are you got for us? I'm sticking to one because we're running out of time but it's a good one. It's fair. Boyfriend 32 year old male started crying after he accidentally farted during sex. He's now avoiding me a day later. Theo, how old are you?

Yeah, I was glad to say. My boyfriend of two years and I were having sex last night when he accidentally led out an audible fart. We both paused for a second after he did it, but I said to keep going and then it wasn't a big deal. We tried to keep going, but then he started turning red and crying, saying how he was disgusting, and how disrespectful of him it was. I was reassuring him that it was all right and that everyone does it.

I also reminded him that he's farted around me before, so I really didn't care. He continued to cry and kept on repeating what he said before about how disgusting he was for doing that and how I didn't deserve him. So quick quick quick survey. Gotta be Catholic. This isn't for Ben because he never farts. He cannot fart. Thank you very much. Never had sex. Thank you. Right. You're just fighting constantly through sex right? Like that's just what happens. What? Thank you. Look. Just putting that out just a hypothetical. Right. Right. You're just puttinging constantly through sex, right? Like, that's just what happens. What? Hey, look, just putting that out there, just a hypothetical. Theo, I'm gonna go one step further. I'm gonna go one step further and say,

the butt isn't the only orifice that has occasionally farted during sex. Oh, for sure. We're all grown-ups here. There's all grown-ups. There's noises and stuff. It's all disgusting. It's like we're at a longheads here. All kinds of squelching. Yeah. I feel like all four of us have come from such a different direction to what's acceptable here. Well, all right, hold on. Let's take it one at a time. Lucy, have you farted or been farted on during, during intercourse? No? I don't think those are the two options.

Why would it be on? Why is on an option? I think on it's on is that the guy has farted? No. What? Shockingly? Not a single fart has passed. Not audible. Not audible. Not audible. Not audible. Not audible. Yeah, but I mean... I'm a fun on my stripper once? What? Okay. She thought it was cute and I didn't think it was cute. Yeah. Um, so I... In what situation?

Is she just like a cappens to be a stripper? Or is this in a strip club? I've been a strip club like a handful of times in my life and it's always been like in some context in which I've kind of I've gone along with it like a Bucks party or somebody's fucking dragged me along or whatever. Let me put it this way. They've never been. They've led a horse to water and they've made it drink. They've let a horse to water... Do not drink from the water. They reluctantly dipped a hoof in.

And, um, I'm trying to remember where I was. I feel like it was in Melbourne. And, um, uh, surfers. And like, so, Melbourne's surfers, yeah. So not only like, and for this stretch of life as well I was often like just broke in my fucking 20s Be like let's go to the strip club and I be like you know what strippers love Money no money no money

Famously door charges and expensive drinks. Yeah, so so I wound up in I want I'm gonna say the spearmant rino. Oh god Spearmant or peppermint is it spearmament is it spearmament? It's spearmament. Yes. Okay. Thank you. Oh, that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that's thripip. that's st st st strip. strip. strip. strip. strip. strip. strip. strip. st. thrip. the strip. the st. the the Spearmint Rhino. Oh God. Spearman or Peppermint? Is it Spearmint? Yes. Okay, thank you. Oh, that's a real place. And cool. Yep.

And I went into this place and I went and sat down in a chair, ready to wait until we could leave. And like you do in a strip club. And a lady stripper came over to me because there's more than one kind folks and said, Mmm, you want to dance? And I said, I'm really sorry, but I got like $5 and she went,

I'll do it for that much, and I went, oh, well, that's quite nice. Well, like it's nice with her, but I was trying to work around like I, I just, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to was trying to work around like I just, I, I, I don't, like, I didn't want a lap dance, but you don't want to say to somebody, no, I don't want to receive a lap dance from you. That was her being lovely. You know she would have had to amortized the amount of money she lost over her entire evening.

That was a fucking lovely gesture. I Shirley gave me a quarters worth of a lap dance. I don't know. The point is, I wasn't really feeling it. And so that happened. And then I can't remember if it was this stripper or a different stripper. Somebody came over and went, hey, I'm going to hang out with you and like sat down on my lap across, I was sitting in like an armchair and was sitting down on me and I was like, I'm uncomfortable with this whole situation. And she was chatting to me and then kind of wriggled a bit and went, ha ha ha, did you feel that? And I went, oh, oh.

And I said, hmm, feel what? And she went, I just farted. And I said, hmm, feel what? And she went, I just farted. And I said, cool. Is this like a normal strip club experience? I don't know. They're very good sizing people up. And I think she maybe's got the measure of you. Yeah.

This guy's going to get a kick out of a fart. I'm going to go fart on this fucking punk over here and he isn't gonna do shit. And then she went, bleh, hey you feel that? And I went, yeah, I felt that one. And... Super alpha move, though. Yeah, and she went, I found it again. Oh, I've just been smoking so much eyes.

Haven't eaten days. And I was like great. Great. I'm super horny now I said. All right so we've discovered that Andrew hates women but how does the story end? Yeah. The story ended with me going okay I need to go and stand in the hallway and like look at a payphone. I don't know. Just fucking whatever I need to go and stand in the hallway and look at a payphone. I don't know. Just fucking whatever I needed to get out of that. I'm sorry, Andrew, this sounds very traumatic. Every one of my strip club related stories is so traumatic, man. It's so bad.

The first time I ever went to a strip club was in Canberra. Oh, it's already bad. Yep. Because there's a guy guy guy guy guy guy like, a guy, a guy he's staying out with all the time and like, we went through that weird, like, that weird high school period where, like, you're friends with the people that you're friends with in school because you have to be, you know, because you're all stuck together at school. And we were around that like 18 point where like you're starting to realize that you don't actually have to be friends with the same people forever. And this guy started to get weird around that point and one idea was like I really want to go to this trip club but we have to go and I was like A I'm broke

B no thanks. He was like I'm super horny right now will you come with the normal request. I'll thi I th I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm thin thin thin thin. I'm thin. I'm thin. I'm thin. I'm thin. I'm tho tho tho tho. I'm thin. I'm tho. I tho. I tho. I tho. I'm tho. I'm tho. I'm tho. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm that. I'm that. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm the. I'm the. I'm theee. I'm theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm the. I'm the. I'm th. I'm horny right now, will you come with me? I'm super hoony and I'll pay for all your drinks and everything. And he kept on at it for like an hour and I went, okay. And we went to the delightfully named Camber Institution Sensations. Oh God. We got in there and it was fucking gross and I went, ugh, this is not really my scene. I'm gonna hang back and I'm just gonna just gonna stand still over here. Because you respect women too much. Until my friend is done

I'm busy respecting women and then and then the the announcer guy went, boom coming up next let's give it up for Lisa. And a stripper came out and walked down to the end of the catwalk and strutted down. And then she stopped and turned and looked at me and went, hey Andrew! Oh God. And I went, hi. And it was a girl that I knew from high school. She wanted to stop and have a chat.

That was my one and only strip club experience, has been like I was shit-faced and like 19 on the sunny coast. I think the place was called like the Velvet Cigar? Maybe? It's a very Bill Clinton name. Yeah. And like some friends like let's go in there and I was like I don't know. I don't have any money and that kind of sounds like it sucks. Oh wait no. The velvet cigar was in Brisbane. This one was called like Electric Blue maybe. I don't know. Anyway I fucking I went in there and immediately this girl that was dancing she was like just topless at this stage and

I was like 19 so that this was terrifying to me. She like walked over to the girl that I was sitting with my friend and was like oh hey man hey Ben and I just had like a half hour conversation, well, I'm like, so awkward and I just have no idea where to look. I was like, what do I do with my eyes? I just want to be normal and polite to this person, but I'm fucking freaking out. Yep, terrifying time. That was about it. That was about it.

Good times. Good times being a teenager. The moral story is if you fart during sex. That's funny, get over it. You should wander into the desert and never come. If you go to a strip club and the strip of farts all over you that's like a special treat. She's trying to say, she's trying to say, pretty sure that is 100% a gag from Van Wilder. Yeah, like, it seems funny until it's happening and then you're just like, what, come on man. Well, I'm glad we brought this story up. Well, yeah, because the, I'm glad that's committed to the podcast now. Mm-hmm.

I should also say that in any strip club scenario as well, I'm also extremely scared of just like being fucking murdered by a bouncer or whatever. Yeah. So yeah in that scenario I'm just like you can't really just like stand up Suddenly causing a lady to topple under the floor and being like a fucking gross lady. Don't call it. Well, you farting on me lady. So you just got to be like finding a nearest bouncer and just being like just letting you know she farted on me bodily. Yeah, Find the nearest bounter. I'm I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I'm th the nearest the nearest th th th th th th th th th th on me, and that's why I'm throwing her off me bodily. Yeah, find the nearest spouncer, I'm going to need to speak to the manager. Excuse, hey, do you know what your staff are doing here? I didn't know I was entering a fartatorium. Right, that's right. Anyway, folks, that'll probably do us for this week. Yep. Don't forget, you can't you you you thion thion thion that you that you that you thion thion that that that that that that'll probably do us for this week. Don't forget, you can find bonus episodes over on Patreon.

Patreon.com slash Buntavista. You can buy merchandise if you would love to wear a shirt that doesn't have the picture of any of us on it. At Buntavista.com slash merchandise. We should have one with us on it. Like a quirky one. We're all doing like funny, funny hands, symbols and stuff. No? One way we're all in the fountain from Friends. That's exactly what I was picturing to be honest.

Yep, and Theo's faces blurred out because he's not into it. You can make your own if you want to just like... Actually, can we do that and the friends, it has like the same font and the tiles thing but just colleagues. Sure. And of course if you really love us you can head on over to iTunes gives the old five star review. Five star. Crime pass this week if you see Caleb don't you mozy on over sit in his lap Just let rip. Just do a little fart on him. Yeah, that's a good one. I guarantee you he will hate it. And not embarrassing and you don't need to cry about it later because that's weird and that makes you a weird guy. That's right.

Yeah, the crying. It's the crying. Imagine your boyfriend just starts crying. Okay. Because I'm picturing it with like funny comedy timing as well or it's just like thrust, fart, cry. Like it just happens on three beats. Like fucking, oh, so this is... And it's also, it's because it's his fart. It's like, oh god, what have I done? Just a real comedy fart sound effect. Yeah, oh God, what have I done? Just a real comedy fart sound effect. Yeah, and like, look, Lucy, maybe you can, as the big straight lady of the podcast, maybe you can. There's a resident vagina on the podcast.

Maybe you can tell us, but I'm almost 100% certain that any given lady is going to react a lot better to a guy laughing and making a joke about it and then just going back to the sex rather than crying about how much he respects you. 100% a better outcome than my boyfriend crying and ignoring me because of it. Yep. Won't even finish the sex because he's too busy crying. Exactly. It's like they wouldn't have even finished. I'd be mad. Oh, that absolutely wouldn't have. It would have just been like, oh yeah, we're having sex. Oh, we're done now. Okay. Okay. I mean,

you're not gonna, uh, all right. I'll just crawl over the other side of bed and sort of myself. Try to imagine. Folks, try to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine to imagine th. th. I th. I th. I thi thi thi will, that you're in the middle of having sexual intercourse and suddenly, and suddenly a bodily function happens. Whoa. Outrageous. Never. Never. All right, folks. We will see you for the bonus episode, and um, if you're too much of a skin flint

to subscribe, that's fine. It's no big deal. We're not looking down at you. Like Dickens' character? My God. Any classist? I feel like every other synonym for calling someone cheap is like vaguely anti-Semitic and I don't want to get into that.

Unless you're a povocut. Don't be a part of they can't. We did have one letter which was can you guys please It was from the friend of the show Robert Hayes Key Who says I can you guys please break down what bogan means? It's just redneck That's way too much a big topic. It's not just redneck but cool we're gonna have to talk about that on the bonus redneck? Redneck but a slightly different kind of mullet we should dedicate it to getting into the difference the difference the difference the difference to the difference the difference to the difference the difference to the difference the difference the difference the difference the difference the difference the difference the difference the difference the difference the difference the difference the difference the difference to the difference to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their thet. We should dedicate it to getting into the difference between Bogan, Redneck and Zeff. What? What? Yeah, okay. All right, we're gonna do that a lot of this episode. It's fine. We'll get me to do it. All four of us, uh, we love you very much.

All four of us love you and we will never cry if you fart during intercourse. I'm comfortable with affection, but you're all right. You're all right. I'm too affectionate. But you're starting to wonder what's going on here. See you next week, folks. Bye. Bye. you