Boonta Vista - UNLOCKED BONUS EPISODE: White Magic Only At The Worm Jamboree

Episode Date: June 1, 2023

We're changing our release schedule around a little so to make sure you don't have to wait three whole extra days for the next episode we're throwing you a bonus episode as a freebie. Enjoy! *** Lucy, Theo, Andrew, and Ben bring you: Cornwall's most competitive worm-summoning meet-up and a Texas community terrorised by the turkeys they once considered friends. *** Get an extra episode every week with one simple trick: signing up to our Patreon at Patreon.com/BoontaVista

Hey, it's me, Ben from the podcast, Buntavista. We're changing up our release schedule slightly. We're swapping around when we release our bonus episodes and our free episodes, which means you as a free loader, a normal, a non-patri and subscribe. You're still only getting one episode a week, but because of that change around you're going to get it a couple of days late. And to make sure you don't have to wait three whole days to hear another episode of the podcast, Bontavista, then you normally would have, I'm unlocking another episode from the bonus feed. I've done that a couple of times recently,

and maybe you've gotten a taste for it. Maybe you think, oh, I love getting two episodes a week of the podcast Bud Vist, and you can do that every week by going to Patreon.com and paying an amount of money that I think is, it kind of works out to like a scooter a month or an expensive coffee perhaps depending on the exchange rate, depending on where you get your coffee. That's it. I hope you having a lovely day. Enjoy this episode. We had fun doing it. This is a bonus episode. Hello and welcome to Budavista. This is a bonus episode. I am Ben and I'm here in the movie Scraditoui.

With me is Alfredo Linguini, a young, awkward American man with no culinary prowess whatsoever who gets a job as a garbage boy at a legendary French restaurant, once held by the recently deceased Chef Gusto, who was, unbeknownst to Linguini, Linguini's father. It's Theo. Hi, Theo. Hey, how you going. Hey. Now, there's a lot of law to take in all at once, and I also have not seen Ratitouille. But I'll do the best to can.

Okay. So, no, I'm not out here watching children's movies every day. to thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to to thi. thi. thi. to to thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to toeea. toea. toea. to to to to thi. thea. th no, that's good. Okay. I bet you say nervous kind of worthless guy. Like a nervous, awkward, wiry kind of guy. Yeah, nothing gone for him. Yeah, he's down to the dumps. It's unclear how he ended up in Paris, because he's definitely American. Also his name is Alfredo Liguidi, which suggests, which suggests maybe... Yeah, he's there and he's running out of money, so he desperately needs to work as a garbage boy at a French restaurant. Yeah, ladies here don't shave. Just exciting. Okay. Well, don't... All right. But you understand

the central conceit of Ratitoui. Yeah, there's a guy, there's a rat and they're good friends. That's right. Well, that's everything you need to know. And the little rat drives a car around. Nope, yep. Nope, I think that's Stuart Little. He's got it. Yeah, Stewart the little rat from Ratitouw. That's right. Well then how does this rat get around? Well, that's sort of part of the central conceit of Ratatoui. You can do this research on your own time. Also with me is Scrat, the little prehistoric squirrel rat from the movie Ice Age. It was somehow discovered that by manipulating the hair on Linguini's head, you can use Lingwini to acquire a horde and protect acorns. It's Andrew. Hi Andrew. I'm sorry, Andrew just grabbed my hair. Oh, now we have acorns!

Immediately grabbing a handful of Theo's hair and really jerking his head over to the side. Yeah, I hate that. Give me some fucking-show me your acorns. Show me your acorns. So imagine, if instead of the rat makes him really good at cooking, it's the little rat guy from Ice Age and he's really try to get acorns. Yeah. He's got me reaching for trees, all sorts of things.

Give me some fucking acorn. Show me your little acorns, bitch. Show me the tiny little acorns. He can talk in this because Remy and Alfredo aren't mutually intelligible but we as the audience can understand what Remy says in English, yeah, so we would understand what Scrat is saying. Remy is real rude. Remy of course sounds like Pat and Oswald, as we all know. Yeah, but we haven't heard Scrat speaking English, but when he does, he sounds like this, hey! Hey, where's some fucking acorns?

What's up, mothfucker? It was the acorns, you little bitch! Hey! Who's seen Ice Age? Just out of curiosity? Yeah, I've seen some. Dennis Leary, he's like, hey, the gross little guy. It's Scrappin' the wa the wa the wa the the the the th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that's that's that's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. thi. thi. thea. thiii-a'''a'erer's theanananananann. thi-na'er's thea. the-n. th I have to be a little guy. It's scrap the end andemeanth-flavored woolly mammoth. Yeah.

That's comedy, baby. If you're under 30 years old, good luck. Also with me is, oh, Jesus Christ, no! Exuding a to toxic cloud of turd vapor and sex juices while crawling on his nasty hairy belly through the dining area of Gusto's restaurant and logging out a long fat tured it's the grunter Grunt is in Paris and he's rooting and shitting all over the Arcta Triumph for the Eiffel tower and the Shant de Lisse say Sacrablea the people of Paris cry Mondew they scream in disgust as they vomit out a breakfast of red wine and unfiltered cigarettes

He's so oily the French police can't get ahead on him and he's disappeared into nasty little holes that he rooted into the cobbles So he could pop up anywhere at any time to root or shit right in front of your family. He's making such a stinky pestilent mess of Paris that they've redefined Paris syndrome to be dying of disgust because he went to Paris and saw the grunter. Oh. He. He's. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's the he's the the the the the the the the th. He's the the th. He's the the tho the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their. He's their. He's their. He's their. He's their. He's their. He's their. He's their. He's their. He's their. He's their. He's their. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's thi. He's thi. He's tho. He's tho' thoo' thoo' their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th redefined Paris syndrome to be dying of disgust because he went to Paris and saw the grunter. Oh, he's so awful. He's the most wretched creature that's ever lived and his awful antics have certainly overshadowed the concept of what if instead of a rattoue in ratatoui it was scrapped from ice age and it was called scratitoui. The devil loves the grunter! It's Lucy. Hi, I'm Lucy. Hello. Ooh, I'm nasty and filthy.

You're so horrible. And you speak fluent French. I do. A lot of people don't know this, but I'm actually French. The reason that Paris smells so bad is that I'm from here. And nobody notices me because my qualities are that of a Frenchman. Sort of hand-in-glove situation here. You're sort of bi-coastal, you spent half the year in a whole of the ground in the middle of Newcastle, I think, and the other half of the year in your native Paris. Yeah. I'm a worldly guy.

Uh, genderless. Gender, I think I'm gender. Goes by he, him, but he is a gender. Yeah. But not asexual. No Lord no. Oh God no. Christ. Oh I wish the gruntle was asexual. How do you reckon he gets between Newcastle and Paris? Like is he getting on an international flight sitting down in an economy seat, just rooting and shitting? I think they're a perfect difference, like, the other side of the world, right? You reckon Newcastle and Paris are exact opposite?

Exactly. Roughly. the whole up, pops out that end. I think the grunter gets himself into the cargo section of a plane, um, squeezes into a dog carrier, fucks the dog, and then eats the dog during the course of the flight for sustenance. Yeah, that's probably it for sure. Yeah, and then the crew gets down there and there's just, there's a ride-off.

There's fur and blood and come everywhere. And they go, uh-oh. Hit the grunter alarm on the wall. Sorry, I'm just looking up where the exact opposite of Newcastle is. Can you do that? Is there a site you can type in? There is. It's in the middle of the ocean about halfway between Europe and the US. Hmm. It's close-ish. You know, they have to, like, so he'd pop up out of the tunnel and then he'd swim like 6, 6, uh uh uh uh uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the thea thea thea th theau th th theau th theau thea thea the he'd pop up out of the tunnel and then he'd swim like 6,000, 7,000 kilometers. And he's still stinky after all that somehow. He'd be a swimmer.

Well, it's the oil coating. Yes. Slick. Like a dolphin. Yeah. Like a dolphin. the to. It's coom makes you faster, tha tha tha tha tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. to, to to th, th, th, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. to. too. too. tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. thi. th covered. But his cum makes you faster somehow. Yeah. Yeah, we just want to be clear his cum has an extremely oily consistency. And that's

the Scratituity intro. Paris. Oh boy. That's a region. Or it's inina region. Yeah. Do they have regions or some other fucked up? They have a round them. They have a roundeum wall. They probably have some sort of larger subdivision than that for like their equivalent of a state. A municipality. It's probably a municipality. I bet. I think you got it. Yeah. Bordeaux, that's a wine region. That is. Wow, this is a good segue. It's time. Oh, it is, Ben, it is pronounced Municipo. Fuck, that's even Frencher. God, they're good. I guess they've been out for a while. But hey, it's time for that segment we all love. I want this small bullshit. Wait. Regional bullshit.

Every little town has got their own bullshit. Regional bullshit. Every little town has just got to happen. This is from Falmouth Nub News in Cornwall. So I don't really... I don't know what they have over there. Falmouth Worm Charming Championships. Mm-hmm. I'm listening. Yep, that's the headline. Falmouth Worm Charming Championships. Mm-hmm. I'm listening. Yep, that's the headline.

Falmouth Worm Charming Championships is a worm charming competition and after new events at the Dracena center. This will be the second year in a row that the event has taken place at the Dracina center after an initial tournament was held in Penran in 2021. Oh, all these people are here for little old me. I'm already charmed just to see you. Win trophies for the most worms charmed. The most inventive worm charming technique and for the longest worm. Ladies be keeping a page in their notes. Give me a longest worm.

Germ. Greg the longest worm. Worm charmed and date. Gregory Mediumworm. You could be a winner if you beat last year's record of one worm. I don't know worms can be charmed. You're about to find out that yes, they can be. I'd be, I'd be so fucking underwhelmed if I was like traveling in India, there was a guy sitting in front of a basket and then he got his cool, he got his cool little recorder type instrument out.

Yeah. And then the lid pops off and just, just one little worm. Just a one worm. I would be very jammed. It looks like the lid pops off and just, just one little worm. I would be very charmed. It looks like the worm would be doing the charming. That's the wrong way around. There's no award for a number of humans charmed by a worm. I don't think they recognize that in their society.

And there should be. It should be. It's time we had that. There should be. But I don't think that we can come in and like force our cultural norms on worm society. I don't think that's fair. I think we should celebrate the worm. There will be music from Gweak Silver Band, worm tattoos, worm art workshops, portrait

painting, bug hotels and games. Worm tattoos. That's right. Food from Saffron Huns and refreshments from the Dracina centre, and more. Three pounds suggested donation per person. So this is an extraordinarily affordable day out. Yeah, a lot going on there. You don't even have to pay, apparently.

No. Oh, no, thank you. It's just worms. The organizer for the event, Georgia Gendel, has described the history and details of the unique event. She said, worm charming or worm grunting and worm fiddling. Don't do worm fiddling. Worm fiddling. Who up? Fiddling they worm. Yep. Fiddling they worm. Yep.

Fiddling and grunting. Yeah. A bit accused of worm fiddling. Stay away from him, he's a worm fiddler. Worm charming or worm grunting and worm fiddling are words to describe the art of enticing earths to the surface of the earth. As a skill and profession, isn't.

Worm charming is now very rare. For some reason. Wow, you can't even make a full-time-wage charming worms anymore. There's only, like, yeah, there's only casual work. Only contracts, you know. Permanent part-time worm-charming position, but it's like honestly three hours of worm charming and five hours of deliveries. The problem is that they're like, you know, when they do actually do a, I don't know, a fucking cornwall-based worm-fiddling grant, so many people apply that it's like you can't rely on that for your

income. Yeah, you know, you can't support a family off your worm grunting dreams. It can be a side hustle though. Yeah. Pretty small one. Monetize your hobbies. It's more of a floor hustle. It's more lower down than the side. Yeah. Yeah. Because they live in the ground. And they should stay there. I don't think you need to entice them out of the ground. They live in the earth. Yeah. Most most of the time when you do get a worm out of the ground, if we could hear their voices, much like we just got to hear Scrat's voice for the first time. If we could hear the voice of a worm. They would probably be saying, Oh no, I'm not meant to be out here. Get me back in the ground. I hope they don't get squashed. I hope the big guy.

It doesn't pick me up and swallow me home. Oh no, I like it. I liked it when it was raining and I was all wet, but now here I am drying out on the hot paper. Yeah. There's beenthe plane and we're up there, they're down there. Yeah. That's the way of life I think. The between we've got our sea level thing. Yeah. They've got their their firm ceiling of where the earth stops and then once they get up out of there,

there's almost never a good time waiting for them. Where the earth stops, so does the worm as the old saying goes. Yep, that saying we're all very familiar with. As a skill of profession, worm charming is now very rare with the art being passed through generations to ensure that it survives good. I'm imagining like, you know, you know in movies when a, when a, there's like a father figure or something and they're like, my son is going to have a destiny and I must force him to train the way of the blade. Your dad doing that but worm grunting? Yeah, and you're like, I'll never be as good as my dad.

What's the point in even any of this? Like, you must carry on our traditions. There's like a statue in the middle of town of my dad, like bent over face right next to the ground, charming a single worm up from the ground. I'll never live up to that. I believe that you are the child that the prophecy spoke of, who one day would fulfill our family's destiny of charming two worms. But you don't want to want to to to to to to to to to to live to live to live to live to live to live to live to live to live to live to live to live to live to live to live to live to to to the the the the the the the the the the to the to to the want to dance. You want to live for yourself. You need to live for our community. You don't need to live in your dad's shadow.

You want to practice beautiful, wonderful ballet from your working class worm charming background? It's not going to happen. Give it up. Go charm those worms. Quote. Most worm charming methods involve vibrating the soil, which encourages the worms to the surface. In 2008, researchers from Vanderbilt University claimed that the worm's surface because the vibrations are similar to those produced by digging moles, which prey on earthworms. So they're trying to, they're trying to, they're trying to jaws style get out of the water? Yeah, I don't really... Yeah, I think so, right? Yeah, that's it? I guess.

I'm gonna show up there, I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna show all these people up when I come down there with my brand new Hitachi Wand. I was just thinking exactly that easy. You could withdraw so many worms with this band boy. Coming down there and like setting a new record but really upsetting everybody in the process as you ride a Sibian to repeated orgasms. The chorus of worms coming up around.

Works on worms. Do you have to be sitting on it for it to work? Oh, it's part of it. It's part of the worm grunting. I did rucking up with those. You know the videos that are like the Indian dudes who have built like massive sub-stacks on the back of commercial trucks for like loudness competitions, rocking up with one of those.

Oh, there's 80,000 words here. And they've just realized they could overpower us. How much are you looking to seebian ways? Words really love mortarat. Yeah. Worm charming is a behavior also observed in animals other than humans, especially among birds. The methods used vary. However, tapping earth with feet to generate vibrations is widespread.

One common example is the seagull dance. In most competitions, the fiddlers with the collector of the most worms in a set time... The fiddlers with the collector? Or co-lectors of the most worms in a set time. Are fiddlers and collectors separate? Do you have a team? You've got to have a fiddler with collectors? This is like a China Meevil novel where you're supposed to just sort of bathe in the, in the terminology. You hear it a couple of times until it's normalized and you use context clues to figure out. Yeah. Fiddlers and collectors aren't allowed to look at each other's existence.

Ain't that the band that did holy grail phrushy you want to look at 30 That's some fucking sucks by the way that's a piece of shit dog shit boring us so what if you needed a song for a football half time yeah yeah it's perfect you see see Dad's crying everywhere. Now marching is one! They were.

That's right, Keith. They usually have a zone in which to perform their charming, measuring three yards square. The current world record was established on June 29, 2009 by a 10-year-old Sophie Smith of Williston, England who raised 567 worms during Britain's World Worm Charming Championship. Wow.

Son, I've been training you for decades and you lost to a 10-year-old girl. Yeah, worm's a vineyard. Yeah. I guess maybe you should dance because he's so fucking shit at worm charming. You suck at this. So just for as they mentioned earlier the last year's competition there was one worm charmed in total between all of the contestants. This one one ten year old raised 567 worms. That's so many worms. That's so many worms.

wonder she bought her own worms from home. Sophie Smith, you are the Queen of Worms. Here is a list of the rules of the championship. Each team is to operate in a three by three meter plot. Teams of up to four people per plot. So I guess that's maybe a fiddler and three collectors. I don't know. They haven't told us about that yet. There are 50 plots available. Each team is to bring their own tools for charming. So whatever you got, French horn. Hitachi, Zusafone, etc. The duration of the competition is 30 minutes, starting at about 2.30.

Good to put Wiggle minutes, starting at about 2.30? Good to put wiggle room in your event management stuff. Good to put wiggle room in anything to do with the worm I think. Three by three meter patch for the... I think is the... God damn. Worms may not be dug up from the ground. Vibrations only to be used.

So no, just being like, I'm pretty sure there's a worm just below the surface, I'm just going to get him. Yeah, just one scoop. Let the worm come to you. When can you pull him out? Can you pull him out? When do you get to poke out? No toug.

It's fully emerged. He has to be nude and, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, to, the, the, the, the, the, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just. the, just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just. to. to. to. to. to. to. the, just, just. to. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to to to to to to to just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just a no-touch worm fiddle. Yes, that's right, it's completely no-touch experience for the worm. He has to get there all by himself, you say? The worm's not allowed to... This is fucking heinous. One day, little fear than Noah are gonna be grown up, and they're gonna be like, wow, this thi th hours of recorded stuff my dad is said. I get to know my father. You know, I only knew him as a father. He never, we weren't, I didn't know him as perhaps a contemporary. Oh my fucking God.

After he built a 50 foot tall lady. The dead killed him. And then he got added into his favorite Wikipedia article. No mechanical vibrators. All vibrations must be made by hand. That's bullshit. Oh, leave the Sibian at home. Leave the Hitachi in your sock drawer. That is anti-Japanese discrimination, in my opinion.

Trying to exclude the good people of the Hitachi Corporation. Yeah. So you're just tapping away on the ground. Yeah, or you're playing a French horn into the ground, or you're singing, or you're dancing. Okay, you could dance. Yeah, if you want to. Kazoo in those worms. Yeah.

I think the kazoo is a good portable solution, but then I don't know how worms respond to it. Hmm. We had a big kazoo for big worms. A big hard worm does it. Big hard kazoo. Nothing toxic is allowed to be used and anyone using a liquid must first take a gulp of the liquid in front of the official judge the wormmaster before using it in the competition. That's amazing.

Yeah. Step forward and be witnessed by the wormmaster. First you have to promise the worm master three times that your liquid is non-toxic to which he will say yay three times and then you drink your liquid and he certifies by waiting it out and see if you die. What kind of liquid could you possibly be using? Worm pheromones and also could you not cheat? Be it delicious beer? Do you think it's cheating or ingenuity if you were to perhaps discover a worm pheromone and then build up a tolerance over the course of a year? Yeah, so you can have it. Maybe even like it after a while. You kind of like the

you need it after a while. Don't talk to me until I've had my gulp of worm pheromones. What's it? What's it? What's it? No, no, no. No, I don't have th. I th. I th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi. thi. thi. thi. thooooooooooooooooooo tole. tole. thooo tho tho thoooo. the th. the just put into your coffee there? What was a booze was it? No, no, no, no, oh no, I don't have a problem. It's just worm pheromones. I need this now. Yeah. What's that I put in my coffee? Oh, it was something normal. It was something a normal person would put in a coffee. Oh, I'm just drinking it work. getting a coffee and cafe, one caramel latte and flat white with worm pheromones if you've got any?

Do you guys have it? They've got it down at the coffee shop down the road. And if you don't have worm pheromones can you leave enough space in the cup for me to put in about 30 mills of worm worms splash. A little splash on my worm pheromers. I brought my own. I keep that in my handbag. Yeah. Like that, hot sauce. Can you believe they're charging $8 for a latte with worm pheromones? I hate it when they mix it for you. I want it kind of, the cup of coffee and then the little,

the little flask. Yeah, and I can pour it myself and stir it. Like the ritual. Can I just get, can I just get the worm pheromones on the side? Thanks. You can save a lot of money by making your own worm feromone coffee at home. Yeah, but how many places have you been to where they have a sign-up says no outside worm pheromones. We will not grind your worms for you. What's your worm

pheromone policy in here? Any form of music may be used to charm the worms out of the earth? So see this is what I'm trying to figure out right is do you think the music may be amplified? Yeah. Because I kind of, I think there's, um, I think there's a bit of overlap and confusion between no mechanical vibration, but if you're allowed to have like amplified music, and then you put on some like deep house, you know, dolphins cry by the band live. Yep, ideally. Dolphins cry by the band's live. Yeah, ideally. Dolphins cry?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What did you think it was? Oh, I'm just. Would you pick a different live song? I would choose the dam at Otter Creek, but only because it slaps hard for real.

Oh, wow. Sorry, I'm looking at pictures of this worm jamboree and there's one where their worm charming method is it's four women sitting in a circle or kneeling in a circle holding hands and they have put a note on the ground that says my dearest worm. I can't wait to see you poke your little head out of the ground. It hasn't rained in days and every time I hear the sound of rain I the the the. And there, and there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's one there's there's there's there's there's there's there's their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their worm, I can't wait to see you poke your little head out of the ground. It hasn't rained in days and every time I hear the sound of rain I think of you. They're doing witchcraft, making come earthside. They're trafficking with the devil for worms. That should be against the rules. You can't do

the power of femininity to bring the worms up. The sacred devilcy. No. White magic only at the worm jamboree. I can't see any amplified, well I can't see any electronically amplified. Big speakers. There is someone with an enormous tuber with the, sort of the whole of the tuber on the ground. There's someone playing a trombone, someone with a drum of some kind. Can you imagine just the ambient noise of this square of a sensory assault? Distant honking. Controversial. There is a white man playing a beautiful didry do into the ground.

You know he's Cornish. The guy with a piano accordion. Someone dressed as a bird. That seems like that won't help at all. I feel like the herdy-gurdy might be actually a decent instrument for this, because it's got the low-down sort of hum. You turn it and you get a kind of consistent sort of sound to it. Oh there's some people dressed as worms hoping to invite fellowship with the... I'm thinking worms of a feather. That's right. It's like, yeah, you're trying to scare the birds or you try to put the worms or are you trying to perhaps suggest that you're on an even playing field with them, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you the the the the the the the the the the th, you, you, th, th, th, the, the, the, the, the, tho, the, the, the, the, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th, the, th, th is th is th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th is th is th is th is th is th is th is the, the, the the the the thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, therying to perhaps suggest that you're on an even playing field with them, you know? The witch has got a worm! The one who had the note that just said,

will you come to the surface? They got one worm. Wow, it feels like you could just accidentally get a worm. Yeah. Right place, right time, you Hmm. Half of your luck. This is fucking amazing. There's four comments on this story. This is... All right, so Cool Breeze says, Brilliant event, a line in the dark news story. Well done, Georgia Glendal. Great. Egg slam says weird folk. Egg slam?

Egg slam, that's right. Trigger and his dogo says, I've got a worm that's not particularly charming, but it can be coaxed to the surface quite easily. Yeah, it's a family website. It's just, the worm is his penis. That's just disgusting, you know? Yeah, and then finally. A group of women sitting around with a handwritten note dedicated to your penis. Oh, I would love to meet the uh. Uh. Uh. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th-a, th-a, th-a, th-a, th- Yeah, and then finally... A group of women sitting around with a handwritten note dedicated to your penis. I would love to meet your awful penis. Last comment here is someone saying, did all the contestants drive to this wacky event? Huh? What?

Yeah, it says a lot about our society. Because of like Climate change or... I do. I don't know. You might have run over a worm in your car. Yeah. Worms to be handled carefully. Incomplete worms won't be counted by the judges.

So don't try the old cut a worm in half and get two worms for that worm trick. Damn. The Worm master has seen is is is is is is is this is this is th is th is th is th is thi th th is th th th th th th th th thia thia thia thia thia thia thia thia thiom thoom thoom thoom two worms for that worm trick. Damn. The wormmaster has seen this before because he is thousands of years old. It only counts if it's got the bit with the rim segment on it. Yeah, the bit the racing stripe. Yeah, the raising stripe. The worm middle, I believe that's called the worm join. It's how you can tell it's where two worms have joined together. Each competitor may only collect worms from their own plot. Because otherwise mayhem.

It'd be chaos. I mean mayhem. You can't steal someone else's worm. Just a ring of people standing around the best worm charmer. They're like, I'm gonna grab your fucking worms. Is this, uh, there will be blood sort of situation th. Right, if you are so attractive to worms and you suck worms from opponent's plots under the ground. You're drinking their worm shakes. Or you drink their worms.

Does that count? I don't think they could tell. I don't think they designate that all the worms directly below your worms and if they do any lateral movement, they're still your worms. I think that's going to be difficult to enforce, honestly. Yeah. That would need worm tagging technology that I don't think is quite there yet.

What it is. I do like the idea though of them starting everyone off in a plot and then you have like a San Francisco gold rush kind of situation where everybody is just hauling ass for the best areas. It's a worm rush. We've struck worm rush. Yeah. In a worm rush though, you don't want to be the worm fiddler. You want to be the Hitachi magic wand seller.

Yeah. Yeah. The competitor who charms the most worms to be the winner. That seems self-effing from everything so far. I would have said that rule first. In the event of a tie, the winner to be decided by a further five minutes of worm charming. That we've got to be the tensest five minutes. What if you, what if you don't get one? Golden worm. What if we didn't, what if it's a worm shootout? What if we didn't start right

on 2.30, you know? Yeah. Oh, do you think you're going to go into penalty time? I reckon. Oh, it's penalty time for the worm. It's a lot. You just keep adding on five minutes until that golden worm has been acquired, charmed. This should be also the way that all sports overtime goes as well. Yeah. Put down your golf clubs or whatever. Does golf point in league just go indefinitely? I can't remember. Surely not. Maybe it can. I don't know. He's saying that it could just stretch on forever if no one manages to score a goal. Yeah, four months of two completely deadlocked teams. It's the world's slippriest ball.

I survived the Titans Cowboys game of May 2023 to October 2023. I believe that's the subject of the like HBO Sports Mocumentary Seven Days in Hell with Andy Sandberg where he's stuck in a single point of tennis for seven days. I was thinking tennis because that does not end until you. Oh. How intriguing. And they made a very funny little movie out of it I recommend watching it. There is one final rule of the worm charming championship. Charmed worms to be released after the birds have gone to roost on the evening of the event. Great. Hold on to your worms until you see the birds have gone to roost on the evening of the event. Great. Hold on to your worms until you see the birds go.

Oh, sleepy time. Yeah. They start not enough. When you see the bird, when you've seen like five birds, yeah. Then you know you're good. When you see the birds enter REM sleep, when their eyelids start fluttering, oh, they're dreaming. Release your worms. What a great story. Yeah, what a beautiful thing. Thanks, people of Cornwall.

I have a little update here because this did happen last weekend. This happens the Sunday just gone. And I know you guys are desperate to hear the results. This is from Cornwall live. I'm fanging. Records were smashed hear the results. This is from Cornwall Live. I'm fang-in. Records were smashed at the Falmouth Worm Charming Championships today. Yes. Two worms. As competitors manage to charm a staggering 260 worms out of the ground, using a combination of musical instruments, garden tools and interpretive dance.

Yeah. Even just regular dance will probably. It doesn't have to convey meaning for the worms to be attracted to the vibrations. Yeah, I guess sometimes. As long as you walk with rhythm. You will attract the worm. Do you think you've kind of got to do the opposite of the of the sand walk in Dune, Theo. That's right. Because they're doing there's kind of, you want the worm. Yeah, they're kind of th. T th. T their their. their. to their. their. their. their to to their their to to their their their to their. Because they're doing their, there's kind of... You want the worm. Yeah. They're doing this a-rhythmically. Yeah. Toot your French horde with rhythm and you might attract the worm. The total number of worms coaxed up to the surface was well up from last year's championship, which was held during a heat wave and only charmed one single worm. Oh, so it's an outlier. It was such a the the the the the the the the th. It was a th. It was a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a Yeah. Needed to be, it's thirsty. It's so thirsty. I hope someone makes this worm all wet. Imagine being the person who got the one worm.

Like the whole, the mood of the event kind of been good. This being real sheepish. Oh, I got one guys Yeah, no, I know everybody else Half an hour of Playing tubur at the ground and you can get any worms. So I got one. I mean, it's probably just like it's easy for me to do get back in your cars That you drove here by the way Yeah, interesting The winning team managed to charm without harm a total of 20 worms within the 30 minutes setting a new record? It the tub. tub. tub. tub tub tub tub tub tub tub tub tub tub tub tub tub tub tub tube tube tube tube tube to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tub tub. tube. tube. tube. tube. the tube. the tube. tube. tube. tube. tube. tube. tube. tube. tube. tube. tube.to charm without harm a total of 20 worms within the 30 minutes, setting a new record for the Falmouth Worm Charming Championships, which this year had Arts Council and Feast Funding.

Yep. The Feast for the Worms? Big deal now. Right. 20 worms, compared to 567 by 10-year-old Sophie Smith of Williston, England. It's literally pathetic. That's fucking embarrassing. Your worms are pathetic. Your little nasty worms that you have barely any of? Not that great, actually. May as well have not charmed any worms at all. Yeah. Pack it up. If you're not charming a triple-digit number of worms, why did you even pray to the worms in a kneeling region? Why did you get in your car?

Why did you drive here if you drove here? Which you probably did. Probably didn't knowing your type, whatever that's supposed to mean. It really makes me think of like, you know those, you know when people online try to kind of own, like, progressive, leftist and environmental people by saying, oh, well, I guess you type this on your phone or whatever it might be, and like, some of them just don't connect. You don't actually get what the insinuation is there. Yeah, there's like a type of right-wing poster where they just have like a few things they say and it's completely unconnected to what the original................ And, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, their, their, their, to, the, thi, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, to, their, to, to, to, to, to, and, to, and, to, and, to, to, th...... And, th. And, th. And, th. And, thi, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, their, their, their it's completely unconnected to what the original post was. They but they can

only choose from that list. Yeah, yeah whatever's closest. Oblivion NPCs. They're only got cycling back around, yeah. You probably came here in your car. Yeah. Okay. I bet you gave money to Steve Jobs and I've heard that someone over there is having some rat problems you should probably talk to them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I them them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I. Yeah. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they're the they're they're they're the the the the the the the I've heard that someone over there is having some rat problems you should probably talk to them about. Got them. So are we gonna try and like get some plane tickets get over there next year? Oh for next year? Holy fuck. Yeah, I'd love to. I mean Australia probably has its own. No, that sounds insane now that I say that out loud. Too dry. Too dry here. Yeah. Um, um, but I kind. I th, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I to, I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to to th. th. th sounds insane now that I say that out loud, too dry, too dry here. Yeah. But I kind of feel like we've got as good a chance as anyone, right? Yeah. You could just try charming some worms in your backyard, like, see how good you are at it. You might have a natural talent. Should we try crowdfunding tickets to the Falmouth Worm Charming Championships? I think we should. I think we th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th th th th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi th th. Yeah. Yeah. Um thi thi thi thi thi thi the the the th th th th th th th. Yeah. Yeah. Um th. Yeah. Um th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably the the the really the really theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee thi the the the the talent. Should we try crowdfunding tickets to the Falmouth Worm Charming Championships? I think we should. I think we learned it.

We've not really abused crowdfunding yet. And I think that as a long running. We've only abused our crowdfunding capabilities to raise money for charities and for bushfire and flood relief and everything. And if I wanted to ruin six years of goodwill for a free holiday, I want to go to Cornwall. Free holiday in Cornwall. Beautiful Cornwall. I found a post here on Strike Hook. tock which I think is an Australian fishing forum. Which, sorry, this is a sidebar on top of a sidebar,

but they have a little like a banner ad across the top for merch. One of them is a shirt that says, milf, in really large letters, and I assume that underneath it says, man, I love fishing, which is what the normal one is, but it's way too small to read. So that's just a fun shirt shirt tha tha thuuuuu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thus thus thus thus thi thi thi. thi thi. thi. thi. th, th, th, th, th, th, their th, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. that that that that that that that that thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. theeeeeeeeeeeeeee, thi. So that's just a fun shirt you can wear. As far as we can send, you are just a milf, sir. So someone has posted, this is March 28th, 2021. Has anyone ever had success with worm grunting in Australia?

I just had my first crack in a few known worm spots with no luck. A few known worm spots. Is this just to try to get free worms for your fishing so you don't have to buy your worms? That is free worms. They grow on the earth. Yeah. Just hanging out there with someone. How can they be illegal? I don't get it. This spot's normally jumping. Jumping with worms. Is it me? No, I think we want to go over their cool running style is what I'm saying.

And also, out of our element, out of our element. Australian podcast a worm grunting team in court. Who would be the fiddler? Australia got a worm grunting team. We get it, we land in the airport, we walk out the front doors, we'll drop our bags in unison. It's so fucking temperate. Oh, it's mild as fuck.

No adulteress. But look Ben, my point would be that, like we say about, you know, ruining or six years of goodwill to raise money for this. is that I think, my th, my th, my th, my th, my th, my then, the, the, the, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thin, thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' the, thate, thate, we th. We' th. We' th. We' th. We' th. We' th. We' th. We' th. We' that, that, the th. We, th. We, th. We, th. We, th. We, th. We, th. We th. We the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, theat, theat, theateateateat, theat, theateateat, theateat, theateat, theat, theat, theatwill to raise money for this, is that I think we could be accused of that if we were like, oh, we're going to raise, we're raising money to like take a trip to a sunny island somewhere. But I think going to Falmouth for the worm grunting championships, people would see as the type of punishment that it really would be.

You know, and people like to participate, throw a little something in the hat in order for you to go and have what's going to be a very questionable time. That is true. They like to see people unhappy. Is there a prize? Did I miss the prize? They didn't say what the prize was. I think it's just a satisfaction. You get to keep the worms. No, you have to put the worms back.

Yeah, but only when the birds are sleepy. Yeah. Only a bedtime for birds. Oh no, this one bird has anxiety induced insomnia. I could never put these worms back in the ground. All right, first you've got to sing the bird to sleep, then. As soon as that's done, you can get the worms in. You can just give him a melatonin. Yeah, it's healthy.

It's safe. It's natural. Glass of temperanio. Put on the holiday. the ground, into the dirt, it's part of nature, baby. And there's other parts that are also part of nature. It's time for Nature Corner. Country Roads, take me home to the place.

I belong. To the plains of the wrong. Ultanism. Nature-comer. Robocrabs. Slipped my dear. This comes from Texas Monthly, the single news publication in Texas that is released once every 30 days. I think it's the Texas wing of the Australian Long-Formed Journalism publication of the

monthly. Yeah. The Texas edition of the Monthly, Turkey Trouble in Sun City. Uh-oh. For as long as anyone can remember, bold statement. That's... We're talking the beginning of history? Yeah.

Okay. Way back. BC. For as long as anyone can remember, the flock of wild Rio Grande turkeys that live in Sun City, a sprawling 55 and over community in Georgetown, has coexisted peacefully with the retirees. They're playing golf together. Real trouble brewing situation.

Sharing a jug of Arnold Palmas with my local turkeys. The turkeys mostly stayed in the greenways and wooded areas around Bury Creek, while the humans stayed in the greenways and wooded areas around Berry Creek, while the humans stayed in their homes and on the golf courses. The two places humans belong. Natural order. Yeah, that's where man belongs. The two groups met only on the hiking trails.

Hello. Excuse me. Just a little smile and a nod. Doing the white person face at each other as they go past each other. Hi. Hi. Can you guys also feel your face doing that face when you do? When you do it with that face? When you do it with other people?

I do that. What do you do? What do you do? What are you supposed to do with your face when you see someone. Yeah. What are you supposed to do with your face? What are you supposed to do with your hands as well? What are you supposed to do? Or walking? With your body. When you first go into a restaurant or a cafe and you don't know whether you need to go to the counter or seat yourself, where do you stand there for? to their but that's also the worst place because there's surface people coming in and out. Yeah.

So instead I can only do a thin-lipped grimace. Yeah. I'm sort of in pain. But the corners of my mouth are turned upwards slightly. So... Well, the problem is the reason it's the perfect middle ground is because I can either just glare straight at you and not move my face at all, and that th. and th. and th. and th. and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I th, and I th, and I th, and I th, and I th, I th, I th at th at th at th at thi, and I'm thi, thi, thi, thi, I can't, I do a very thi, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th at th at th at th at thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thin, thin, to to to to to to to to to to thin thin to thin thin thin the thin thin the thin the at all and that's not going to be a good time for anyone. Or I do a very exaggerated full-faced smile at a stranger. And they're not going to care for me.

Much worse. Psychotic. I will look psychotic. I found it. The hiking hello I found very easy to do in America because I would just very broadly be like, Gide! And be like, what's up comma? And th.? I? I? I? I? I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I th. I do a th. I do a th. I do a th. I do a th. I do a th. I do a th. I do a th. I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do a, I do a, I do a, I do a th. I do a, I do a th. I do a th. I, I, I do a th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I do a th. I, I do, I do, I do a th. I do a th. I do a very, I do a very, I do a very, I do a very the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. I do the. I do the. I do a very,to do in America because I would just very broadly be like, gooday! And I'd be like, what's up, comma? And then keep walking and over here I don't know what you do. Because everybody else knows that that's fake. Americans I had no idea. They're like, Jesus Christ. That was Steve? Was that the grunter? I think I ran into the... another registered crypted siding. Second of February, I believe I saw the grunter on a hiking trail. The two groups met only on the hiking trails where the humans might marvel at the turkey's

iridescent feathers, long red wattles and funky head-bobbing struts. I would, I would marvel. That sounds marvelous. Whacka-wackle-wackle-dark! I'm really picturing them like, jive turkeying down the mountain trail. Before the birds would trot away in a flurry of tail feathers. Should we just, should we have a quick look at what a Rio Grande, a wild Rio Grande turkey looks like? I bet it looks fucked.

No, it just looks like a turkey looks like. I bet it looks fucked. No it just looks like a turkey. But there's a bunch of pictures of people standing there with ones they've killed. Cool. Awesome. Well. Thanks America. Thanks guys. Thanks guys. Maybe that's why you're having turkey troubles. Yeah. It's called righteous vengeance. Well, it's called Lex Talionis. We've been seeing, we've been seeing those news reports right of the killer whales that are that are that are that are that are that are that are th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the tha tha tha tha tha tha and tha and tha and tha and tha and tur their thanipe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's they're their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they're their they're their their their they their they their they they they're toy. ture and ture and ture and ture and tha ture and ture and tha thanip. I te. I te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. te. te. I te. te. te. te. I te. I've the than. I'm te. tally onus. We've been seeing we've been seeing those news reports right of the of the killer whales that are sinking boats you know and I think be careful lest the turkeys also get involved yeah that's all treat him with little respect. No they're old saying that we've all heard. What's try turkeys with respect? Be careful lest the turkey take on the way of the killer whale. that's right. They they. They they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they're they're they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're to th. t. t. tell. tell. tell. tell. tell. tell. th. the. they're the. they're they're they're they're they're they'reest the turkey take on the way of the killer whale.

That's right. They start communicating, we're toast. Or maybe the turkeys were just lulling the seniors into a false sense of security. That's probably it. Last summer, a few young male goblers left the greenways and took to promenading in pairs through the streets of Sun City. Yeah, and what about the turkeys? Uh-huh.

If they saw a car, bicycle or golf cart coming, they would stand in the middle of the road until the vehicle stopped, whereupon they would rush forward and start pecking at the tires. This is exactly like what happened to children of men. Eventually they would make their way to the driver's side, recognizing who is in charge of the vehicle, I assumed. And when the car began to pull away, they would give chase. What is going on over there? They were breaking bad. You truly have offended nature, you know?

You have, you've fucked around with God's kingdom for too long and now you are finding out. There's no other explanation, really. Yeah. Sometimes the animals would block driveways or stand behind parked cars while residents try to fend them off with brooms or decorative pillows hastily seized from porch furniture. That's great. I don't know how this ends yet, but I am envisioning a turkey victory and then like 20 years down the track the entire town is just like silent hill

torted by turkeys. Or 20 years down the line it's the exact same situation but flipped. The turkey population of Sun City previously didn't have a problem with its few human inhabitants. Theo it's like a silent hill but instead of radio static when something's getting closer you just think gobbling. Do you hear that? I can hear the gobbling but if I turn on my torch will attract more of the turkeys to me. My goodness.

It was funny at first. Yeah, still funny. And it's 100% funny like a turkey blocking your driveway so you can't leave. Being personally fucked with by a turkey? That's just good clean fun. I imagine because they've probably, they've got cars with reversing cameras on them because modern cars do often now. This won't stop beeping.

Little turkey here, right there. Staring straight ahead. He knows. It was funny at first. Residents began referring to the turkeys as quote, the renegades. Okay. That is funny. Like the, uh, I assume they mean like the Lorenzo Lamas TV show. Yeah. From the 90s. If you are under 30. I haven't seen it. Give up.

They told stories. You had a good shot. They told stories over dinners and marjong games. That sounds like such a good life, honestly. Other than the being terrorized by turkeys, he's walking around, eating lovely dinners, playing marjong with the friends that you're also wife swapping with? Yeah.

Have you guys seen those like motorized marjong tables you can get? No. Where like, um, I think they sort of, they have like the green felt top that you drive around the city playing marjong like you're at least you're keezing around town with your marjong like you're at least you're keezing around town with your marjong set. And I guess you like sweep all the tiles off into a little sort of gutter and it goes maybe it like sorts them and puts them back together or something for when you're just doing like 18-hour marathons. They told stories over dinner in marjong games about their

broom-wielding exploits but then things took took a a took a took a took took a took took a took a took a took a took a took a took a took a took a took a tooke told stories over dinner in Marjong games about their broom-wielding exploits, but then things took a turn. One day in January on her morning walk, Joan Ultschule, Ultshulah, Ultschule. their renegades. Quote, I was walking on the street I don't normally walk on. Not sure. Oh wow. Texas?

Yeah. I was just saying, oh okay, we're doing two. I mean, wait, before you do your Texas one, where did you think we were? I don't know. I'm really thinking about it very hard, to be honest. I have not interrogated myself. I'd let the spirit move you towards that voice. And the wild turkeys came up behind me and rammed into me right in the kidney area.

Not once, but twice. Two turkey kidney jabs. I know where the kidneys are. Getting kidney punched by a fucking... I was pissing blood for a week. Turkeys have unlocked vats. 97% chance of this all ladies' kidneys, let's go! Sorry, just, can we just rewind a moment?

It was Vanessa Carlton. Yeah, no, I was actually just going to edit that out of the show. Let my mistake not be in there. Fuck! I don't know why I thought is Alicia Keys everyone does because she's playing the keys Yeah, that's right She does be she does be playing a piano. Yeah infrequently motorized though I understand I don't know when you said it I could see it. I can really see it Sometimes she's playing two pianos

The two turkeys were each more than three feet tall my god. That's that's over six. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's their their their that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the turkeys were each more than three feet tall. My God, that's over six foot of turkey. Six odd foot of turkey. As soon... As soon as they figure out how to stand on each other's shoulders, Oh, you're fucked. Absolutely done for. They could go to stores on each other's shoulders. Oh, you're fucked. Absolutely done for. They could go to stores and buy stuff then.

I'm not sure. They can go on Tinder and actually give people to swine. Oh boy. This man has never been on Tinder and piece that together from jokes about it. Someone's got to do it. Someone's got to piece these things together. The two turkeys were each one three feet tall. They came up to Ultrulah's chest. She's four feet tall. Yeah, Jesus. And though a grown gobbler weighs only about 20 pounds,

they hit her with so much force, she was sure they outweighed her. Well you're just she's reporting and you're deciding I guess. That's right. You're small like you're a small woman. I feel like that's your problem being out there being so short. Yeah. Drop right to the bottom of the food chain there. Yeah. No one likes that. That's embarrassing to get dropped to the bottom of the food chain in a single afternoon. I used to be an apex predator. I'm sure you did, Madreu.

Luckily I didn't fall. If I fell, I wouldn't have been able to get up and I would have been in bigger trouble. The Estonian pig farmer situation. I'm sorry. Well that story we had that time about the old guy in the state who owned a cassowary and had the trick over. That's it for you bro. Yeah. Oh you're down on the ground? Kick kick kick. Kurb stomped by a cassowary. Unbelievable. I could see every pimple on their faces. That's how close they were. Ah, teens.

I don't think that was a turkey. Ultruller ran to a nearby porch for refuge. Unfortunately, no one was home. That was me with my back to the door, crouched down so she could see me through a little of the glass. Act like you're not here. Act like you're not here. Oh wait. You want the turkeys to know that we're giving refuge? Is that? They are only becoming stronger and we want to be on their good side. The turkeys followed and stood at the foot of the stairs. Kind of brandishing flick knives. Iirees come out to play. I'm kind of picturing a, um, identical twins from the shining sort of vibe.

The two of them completely stationary, you know, you turn around they're right there. Holding wings. Goblin in perfect unison. The turkeys barricaded me, she says. They wouldn't let me get down. Then they got bored and started going off in another direction. I started slinking around the side of the house and I started throwing rocks from the garden. Huh? Don't antagonize them? Yeah, well, it kind of sounds like you're, you're kind of therowing rocks from the garden. Huh? Don't antagonize them.

Yeah, well, it kind of sounds like you're, uh, you're kind of the aggressor here. Yeah. Do you think maybe she was trying to do the, um, you know, in like a stealth game when a guard's getting close and you can throw a rock? And it goes, exclamation mark, what was that over there? Huh, gobble go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go. And it. And it. And it. And it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it that, and it that, and it goes, and it goes, and it goes, and it goes, and it goes, and it's th, th, th, th, th. And it's th. And it's, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, th. And it, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throwing throwing throwing throwing throwing throwing throwing, throwing, throwing, really? Gobble, gobble, gobble. That's Turkey for Bastard for the Wind. Yeah. Yeah.

Huh. Yeah. Once Alchula was free, she went home and called a friend who was on the Sun City, Iscon City Community Association's Wildlife Committee with the aid of Warren Bluncer. Bluntzer is a cool name. It's blunt, blunt with a Z. A wildlife biologist and consultant, the committee launched an investigation. It was generally agreed, though no one has any definitive proof, that the change in turkey behavior had occurred

because someone had been feeding them. Once wild animals become habituated, the human contact, Bonser explains, they can lose their fear of humans and become territorial and aggressive. Hell yeah. Oh wow. I think they should be losing their fear of humans because we have just very quickly established that they can out-mustle the humans. Yeah, they can win. They've had some physical confront confront conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf conf. They've they they they have they they have they they they they have they they they they they have they they have they've they've they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they. They they they. They they. They they. They they they they they they they they they they. They're they they're they're they're they're they're they're th. I. I th. I t. I t. I have have have have have t. I tell. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I they're they're they're they're they're they humans. Yeah. Yeah, they can win. They've had some physical confrontations with the humans and the humans said no thank you. I don't think I could take a turkey quite easily. I think you would have to be like winding up and giving it your biggest and best like soccer ball type kick. Yeah. You can kick it. It was sort also like a very cool looking spin kick. Yeah, which I could easily do.

I think your foot's going to go clear over its head, to be honest. I think it's hard to do a cool spin kick aimed at a target two feet off the ground. Oh, you think we need to do a sweep first. Yes. You need to do one of those really shitty, annoying, downwards kicks that you can do infinitely, slowly degrading your enemy's health bar while they try and get back up. Oh, you're taking them down through chip damage. Yeah, you want the turkey to be like, stop it. That's fucking cheap. Stop it.

Are you talking? Stop it. I don't want to play anymore. It's just called zoning, idiot. Benny, you're talking taki talking talking talking talking talking talking talking talking talking talking talking talking talking talking talking talking the the the tha. tha. tha. thing. thing. thing. th. th. th. th. to th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi. You. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to get. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You're, you. You're th. You're th. You're toke. You're try. You're try. You're try. You're try. You're try. You're try. You're try. You're to to try. You're try. You're talking about the the axe kick that you can do in Street Fighter with Ryu and Ken? I believe he's talking about the down and low kick you can do Mortal Kombat. That's right. Thank you very much yes. A little stabbing low kick kind of action. Okay I'm doing the I'm doing the kick where you mash the kick button in Street Fighter and Chun Lee just goes yep yep yep yeah. And those are the ways that we, I don't know, would kill a rear grand turkey. I'd use a crossbow. Yeah. You probably drive there to do it.

We are missing a major, like a very clear solution to this issue here, which is, friendship. We have been told that this is a golfing community. You've got clubs. Oh, this is sort of like the ending to signs. Yeah, golf clubs lying around everywhere. Golf clubs everywhere. And you are being confronted by an aggressive creature that is very low to the ground and fragile. That was the ending of signs. Oh, it turned out they had had had th. th. th. th. th. they had they had th. th. th. th. th. the the the their their th. their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. the. their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their cl. their cl. their cl. Cl. Cl. Cl. Cl. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. t. t. t. t. t. tode. today. t. today. t. t. today. t. t. t. t. the the the and fragile. That was the ending of signs. Oh, they turned out they had one weakness.

Golf club. One weakness being savagely beaten. Oh, I wish that my fellow retirees would stop leaving unfinished golf clubs around that. Oh, if I got to tell you one more time to pick up your, your putting putter. You're three wood. You can't say a putting wedge, can't say a putting wedge because that's not what it's for. Look, we've never, we've never really claimed to be a particularly golf-savvy podcast. No, we are number one in Australia's comedy golf-related podcast charts for this because it's a very small market.

The Sun City Community Association swiftly enacted a rule forbidding people from feeding the turkeys. Wow. Sounds like bloody. I feel like if you're a real turkey feeder, you're not going to let the rules get you down. No. You're going to say things like, it's more of a guideline. Yeah, you know. Also, your plan might be working if you're at this point. Yeah, it's coming to fruition. Yeah. I mean, there might be somebody in the community who's try to get Turkey army together. Because he never never there might might might might might might might might might might might might might might might might might might might might might might might the the the their their their their their their their th th th th th th th th th th thuu thu thu thu thu thirty thirty thirty thu-n. to to to to to to to to to to to to to say to say to say to say to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. thu. thu. thu. thu. the. the. their the. their their their their tu. their tu. the. the. the. to to to to to to to to the. community is trying to get the Turkey army together. Because he'd never invited to Marjong and wife swap night. No one wants to fuck your wife. You won't fuck my wife? Check this out.

Won't fuck my wife? Good like getting out of your car. It's Turkey City now. So who wants to take Suzanne home? Don't all try it once, guys? Guys? Guys? I think they're all going to the den, guys. The Sun City Community Association also advised residents to quote, haze the birds by shouting,

blowing horns or whistles or bringing dogs with them on walks. Have they considered paddling the turkey's bottoms? Maybe making them drink out of a funnel. You know? Yeah. What are the kind of hazing? A toyle-paper over them. It's a lot of crossover with turkey hazing and worm charming. Hmm. That's like blowing horns? What are you fucking talking about? Are you like walking around with a French horn? Just going, brump! Honk, honk, honk.

Walking is a favorite form of exercise in Sun City, and many residents took to arming themselves with sticks or nine irons. There it is. They've also seen signs. The goblers were undeterred. The attacks continued mostly on smaller, older women, and they grew more serious. Oh.

We've got some sexist turkeys here. No, you've got to know your prey that you can take down. You need someone lighter, shorter. You don't want that guy that like fought in Korea. Because he's probably got some muscle memory. And PTSD. Yeah. He is ready to go off the chain at a moment's notice. Yeah, you want to wait until Agnes

detaches from the golf, the rest of the golf crew. Yeah. To the ball polisher and you attack. The turkeys are doing those like the things, uh, like dolphins do to split fish off from a school. Yeah. Turkey's like running in the middle of a group of old ladies. One of them getting separated.

Oh, fuck. Dropping a pamphle about tax relief. Double negative gearing. Just really imagining the, uh, the point of view shot, you know,., the the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, the, thi, the, the, the, thi, the, the, thi, the, thi, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, thi. thi. Like, thi. Like, thi. Like, thi. Like, thi. Like, thi. Like, thi. Like, thi. Like, the the thi. Like, the the ta-s. ta-a-a-s. ta-a-s. ta-s. ta-s. ta-s. toge. thi of view shot, you know, from between the bushes. Ch, chak, kak. What was that? Receiving into the bushes when somebody else comes out with a torch. I can wait.

I can wait. The turkeys began going after delivery drivers and postal carriers, cutting off the supplies. That's... Oh boy. Sunzu. Yeah. So, they're a real siege of Constantinople territories. Turkeys read the art of war.

Don't fight retirees at a swab. Okay, we're going to Texas. One woman had to go to the emergency room for a tetan shot after the turkeys scratched her with their talons. Yeah, I mean you should have those already. It should be up to date. Yeah. Another was pecked when she went out to get her mail and two months later. She was still afraid to go out in her own yard. People say it's no problem to stand up to them and it's all fine and dandy," said Barb Meese, a neighborhood representative in the community association. But when you're 87 years old and there's a turkey hiding behind a bush and it startles

you, well you're not as sure footed as you were in your 20s. I think that's what's going to happen someday. A little old lady's going to get startled and lose her footing and crack her head. And then the turkeys will get the feast on the sweet goo inside. So even the turkey was hiding behind a bush is giving it so much agency like it's ducking its head. Yeah like it's fucking Jake Jason Voorhees. You know? It was in a bush or behind one or near one. It wasn't hiding. It's just nearby. They're just out there doing turkey things and then you come out and get involved, you know. That's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the turkey their the turkey turkey turkey. It's turkey. It's turkey. It's turkey. It's their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu.'re just out there doing turkey things and then you come out and get involved, you know. That's right. The community decided that the goblers had moved from nuisance to hazard, and since hazing wasn't working, it was time for more drastic measures.

They bought in Yosemite Sam. Wild turkeys are officially classified as game boats, regulated and protected by the state, so neither the community nor Blanter can take action without authorization from Texas parks and wildlife. While Rio Grande Turkeys roam throughout much of the state, no one at T.P.W.D. has ever heard of them acting aggressively towards humans, at least not in Texas, says Derek Walter, T.P.W.D.S.W.T. W.T. W. T. W. T. W. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T.........................................................................................................................thing up in Oklahoma, but we don't do that down here. We got civilized turkeys down here. In the end, the Community Association of Sun City was presented with two options. Relocation or depredation, a fancy scientific term for killing, most likely with a gun. Depredation in some ways would be simpler. for killing, most likely, with a gun.

Depredation in some ways would be simpler. Quite, it would bring closure to the situation, says Walter, it seems like the right thing to do, does it? We tried everything else. Now it's time for big gun. We tried blowing a French horn at them, and now it's time to shoot them in their head with a desert eagle. We've tried saying, hey, get out of here, get out of here. And now it's time to morosely load up our finest blunderbusses,

blast these motherfuckers off the face of the earth. But even if or when the immediate problem of these particular wildturkeys are solved, the larger problem of human wildlife relations remains. Tell me that. That's profound. I agree that killing like four turkeys in a retirement community in Texas would not solve the large problem of human wildlife relations. Probably not. Yeah, it might even deepen the issue very slightly. I think the only thing that would solve that is killing all the humans, right? Yes. Yeah, we'll get on that.

Have they tried that? Yeah, we're eco-fascist. Have you tried? Eliminating all humans. Sorry we haven't mentioned this before now. Yeah, all four of us. 100% picked up by context clues, but yes. It's kind of our main thing.

Both Belonso and Walter Worry, that as Texans continue to expand into territory previously inhabited only by animals, the conflicts will continue, especially if humans ignore warnings from wildlife experts and try to feed animals. That only leads to a breakdown in the separation between human and animal worlds, and that's how you get bears shoplifting in convenience stores and wild turkeys attacking old ladies. Is that what they're doing? Yeah, they're shoplifting. They weren't even going to pay. Do the bears know that they are committing a misdemeanor? They don't know about crimes? I feel like that's that's that's that's like like like like like like like like like like like like like that's that's that's that's like that's like that's like that's like that's like that's like that's like that's like that'sthey are committing a misdemeanor. They don't know about crimes. Yeah. I feel like that's kind of ideal. Once again, much like the worms, we're trying to force our social laws. Crime is just a

social construct, I say, as I take a roast chicken from Woolworths. The bears didn't eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge. No, that's so true, actually they didn't. They can't know that they're committing crimes. They're free of sin. Yeah, that's right. Quote. I've got all their ribs. We're only on the cusp of wildlife conflict with humans, blunts or ones. Population numbers are swelling everywhere. The next thing is how you manage them. But will that work and be successful? No one knows what the future will hold, but the problem's not going away. I am assuming that at some point in the near future we're going to test out some interstellar space flight, someone's going to go through a wormhole,

come back and land on earth, society run by turkeys. Planet of the Turkey situation. Yeah, no percent. Classic. Oh my God. This planet has a statue of Liberty as well. It was Earth the whole time getting whipped by my turkey overlords. Yeah. I can't wait personally.

Who up getting whipped by their turkey? Now that's a relationship I can get into. Folks, that's an episode of the podcast. Beauta Vista. Buntavista. That's right. Oh, thanks for being with us. We're giving each of you a tender kiss on the forehead.

You're welcome. See you next one. My, my, tomorrow. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. you know the today