Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Death, Passwords, & Raising Kids | Breaking Bread with Tom Papa #195

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

Thanks to our sponsor Nuts.com! Right now, Nuts.com is offering new customers a free gift with purchase and free shipping on orders of $29 or more at Nuts.com/PAPA.    Tom and Kira kick off this week’s episode by discussing the nuances of saying people's names, spotlighting Kumail Nanjiani. Kira shares a poignant yet amusing story about a sad dream, weaving in her fantasy of faking a gig and the comfort found in coffees. The conversation takes a deeper turn into themes of death and the digital legacy of passwords, lightened by Kira's riff on Only Fans and Tom's ASMR ventures. Russian superstitions and Tom's wife's OCD quirks bring a cultural and personal flavor to the mix, segueing into heartwarming tales of Kira's kids in "Wizard of Oz" & "Oliver," and the ups and downs of raising kids, complemented by lighter notes on Mike’s nuts and Tom’s Led Zeppelin shirt when he was a boy. Clothing and jeans serve as a metaphor for life's fits and misfits, punctuated by Tom's hilarious Jiminy Glick story. Revisiting death and funeral arrangements, they candidly discuss the practicalities of wills, funeral costs, and organ donation, offering a grounded perspective on life's inevitable end. But really, how many dead bodies are there on planes? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Don't you know? It's how we're going. It's time for breaking bread with Papa. Hey. Don't you know? Hey. It's also a show. Hey.

Hey, everybody. Welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. I'm Tom Papa. I'm here with my pal. Kira Sotanabash. Come on. That was silly. How do people mess up your name on the road a lot?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Is there a common mistake they make? Not asking me first. No, like the pronunciation. Yeah, I've gotten very. Sultanavik. Soltonovic.

Okay. I mean, that's fine. I don't get mad at people. I don't. I recently had Kumayo Nanjiani asked me if I knew how to say his name because we were doing tag team at the improv. And I said, well, do you know how to say my name?

And he goes, I don't think I have a need for it. I was like, okay, well, I'll see you. I got to go. Of course I know how to say Kumail Nanjiani. Yeah. I get that not a lot of people do. I would panic if I was bringing him up. You would?

Yep. Oh, no, that one is easy. Kumal Nanjiani. Yes. I know, but yeah, I'm always so sensitive about offending people that way. I get it. Kostaki, economopolis? Done.

Still, yeah, no. To this day, it starts saying Joe Bolter. Come on. Yeah. No. Well, he likes a. French twist on it. Yeah, it's Voltaire.

Voltaire. I get it. Like Voltaire. Yeah. So it becomes a little uncomfortable. I'm so psyched with our espresso machine. Yeah, yummy. It is yummy. It went to my brain's stem. That's unlike you.

I know. This is, it's weird. Like, I really, I am. I've never seen you even impacted by coffee. This is strong. I know it's a six out of ten. Yeah, it's not that strong. No. this went into my like cellular on a cellular level.

Did you not have good sleep last night? I had a weird dream last night. You did? Do you want to hear it though? Hearing people's dreams is stupid. I like hearing people's dreams. This is a sad one. Love it even more.

This is really horrendous. Oh, really? If you've had a dream, but I died. What? Yes. And they were taking my body out like a coroner came and zip me up. in that big black bag. Now, where is your head at this point?

What do you mean? Are you watching this or are you in it? Yeah, I'm standing there and I go, oh, no, that's me. And I look around to everybody. I'm like, but can you still see me? And Mike and the kids were there and they were like, we think we can hear you, but this is weird because we're talking into, yes, a really weird one.

And they were like uncomfortable because they could hear me. I was like knocking on furniture and walls. Can you hear me? And then they were like deeply like affected because they were like, we're just talking into space. This is very weird that you're talking to us. Whoa. I know. And then I woke up.

This is one of the best dreams I've ever heard. Yeah, I woke up. Now. I mean, not the subject, but I mean, you're creeping me out like I'm seeing it. Yeah. But the fact that I saw them with the gurney and the black bag that they zip up. the body and it hit me and I go, oh, I know, that's me. Like, I knew it.

Now, if I were to analyze dreams, because you know, I'm a weirdo, I think actually this is a good dream. Okay. Okay. Because sometimes there are endings before there can be beginnings. I don't think someone dying in a dream literally means that. Right. Like, you know, I had a dream that I was having a baby, okay?

This was before I had kids. And someone told me they were like, this just means you're creating something new. You're creating, let's say, a new project or new, like, it's new life coming in. It doesn't necessarily mean you're having an actual baby. Yeah. No, a lot of times it's something else at play. But it's freaked me out. I think me out.

Yeah, that's weird. This coffee. Because I don't, maybe you're not here. You see me though, right? What? It was so upsetting because I was... Did you guys hear that?

I was talking. Guys, do you hear that? Oh, my God. Oh, that's a weird feeling. You know, I said that once to an audience member. Luckily, it worked. But there was this woman who had white hair and she was wearing this white dress. and just very pale and just sickly looking.

And I did say, I go, everyone else sees her, right? I'm not just seeing, like, and luckily she had a great sense of humor. And she was kind of dressed like Victorian. I mean, she was a character. Yeah. But I go, everyone, I'm not just like, we all see her, right? There's a ghost A to my right, A. But yeah.

Now, there is a thing, though, in dream logic. Mm-hmm. that you don't, right? There's a thing that you never actually die. Like if you fall off a cliff or if you're in a car accident or if you, that you wake up before you're dead. That is a common thing. And this was me wheeled out on a gurney.

Yeah, this is new territory. In the bag. And then I was hugging my children and I was like, can you feel me? I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I know this was really intense. But I didn't wake up upset.

No, because you were free. I think if I can interject my Jungian Freudian Dr. Philean interpretation, I think you might be leaving your family. Oh my God And that is

Maybe not leave them, leave them But yeah Maybe you need a break Maybe you need to check into a hotel Without a gig For a weekend I know comics that do that They tell their spouse

That they have a gig What? Yes I know two different people And two different occasions Go on and then what do they do And they just say Oh I got to go to Albuquerque

Uh huh It's a one-nighter Okay I mean, because it's just so often for us as comics. And they leave to wherever, anywhere, down the street. And they just go. And they just have a night to themselves. Really?

Yeah. Well, that is everybody's fantasy. I don't see how you can go through with it. I mean, I would feel guilty. Are they with another person? Are they just going by themselves? No. No.

And one, both parents, both have been parents. One was a dude comic and one's a chick comic. So it's both. Really? Yeah. And just get out of them. But as comedians, you're gone in all the time. Yeah, but this is you picking where you get the hotel.

You're going to, you know, just, it's not like someone's like, yeah, you're staying at the La Quinta, you know, the red roof in outside of Dallas. Right. This is. Do you ever have that fantasy of just going to a hotel by yourself? No. but I do have the fantasy of, for example, I will have some gigs in Florida in March. I'm going to go to New York for one night. And my fantasy is, I'm going to go to that, my favorite Korean spa in New York.

Right. And then when I'm in Miami, I'm going to go to a Russian banya in Miami. So that's how. So you get several hours to yourself. I mean, that's, for me, that's all I need. Right. I'm super looking forward to that. And it does feel like I'm cheating a little bit.

I feel like it's not even like I want to get to the town and then go to that restaurant and then go to the... I do have, when I get tired, I do have fantasies of just being on the bed in the hotel room for 24 hours. Yeah. You know what I mean? Just that. Like no show, no travel. I'm just allowed to just sit here. I would get bored by 4 o'clock for sure.

For sure. but I do have that inkling in my head of like, oh, that would be cool. So anyway, I think your dream means that, yeah, maybe you just need a bit of a break. Joe, you're good at dreams. What do you think it means? Yeah, it's definitely a transition period for you. I would say that if you're seeing that. It's the out-of-body experience that caught me off guard because I'm with Tom.

I was like, you can't be dead in your dreams when you first set it up. Yeah. But you're dead, but you're also not dead in the dream. dream. Yeah. That's what I think. Well, I think she was dead because no one could see her. They could hear me and it was weird.

They were like, this is really weird because we're just talking to thin air, but we can hear you. But that's the literal. I'd have to go literal with this. I feel like you feel like you're not being seen amongst your family. Wow. He's good with that. I told you. Right in my nipple.

Oh, sorry. That's why they call him Joey Nips. Yeah. Thank you. That's good. Okay. Okay, that makes sense. That does.

Who in showbiz has not felt that at some point? Oh, you're taking it from the culture. I think, I thought Joe's interpretation was your family was saying that. No. You weren't feeling that from them. No, they see me all. That's fine. Yeah.

That's fine. They can't ignore you. I was taking it as. As why don't you hear me, Whirl? Yeah. Here's my, I'm trying to make my mark. This podcast isn't working out like I thought it would. I do not mind driving in the traffic on the 405 to get here.

What are you talking about? This is lovely. Right? What other podcast gives you espresso's? Zero. You would get bread every time if you ate it. My lungs are sweating from this espresso. They are seriously.

I am drinking it and I have no. I'm not feeling that. I think you're low on something. No, it's... Yeah, probably. That's for sure. Yeah. No, but it's, I love it.

This is my third coffee of the day. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's what it is. And my other one, the second one I didn't really finish, but maybe half of it. But I used Laird Hamilton's mushroom creamer. You ever used that? No, but I like mushroom coffee.

Ooh, it's good. Yeah. Yeah, it gives in a nice little something or something. And then do you... Do you do that? Just like run around the house and do that? No. Oh, do the thing?

No, I know they should. They say to do that, but it breaks down just fine. No, no. You mean the thing you stick in it? Yeah. A little mixer? Yeah. Yeah, but.

No, that makes a big difference for me. It does? Yeah. I don't know. It's frothy and creamy. Well, I didn't get to the end. Maybe there would have been sludge at the bottom. Yeah, you've got to do it.

Maybe for sure. These. So just while we're on the topic of death. Yeah. Do you ever wonder like, does my spouse have all my passwords? Hmm. Right? God forbid.

God forbid. God forbid. I do. But it's like, I have stuff that. Wait, are you saying. No, in a good way. Can I interpret it? Are you saying, do they have all my passwords?

Are you saying, do they have all my passwords? No, I'm saying they need all my, he needs. Right. He needs, like, because there's stuff. There's a lot of stuff. I don't know. I have, like, stocks. If you're going, they're going to be so grief-stricken, they're going to need some busy work.

They're going to take their mind off of it. How to hack into a computer? How do we pay this bill? But that's what I'm saying. Like, I have stock, right? Like, let's say I have my Ameritrade. Right. Log in.

He doesn't know that. He doesn't even know you have it. No, he knows. Well, okay. This is your getaway money. Is your getaway stash? He knows now, unfortunately. Do you keep a little getaway stash?

Yeah. It's nothing that I haven't told him about. But yeah, I have stuff, right? Yeah, in case you've got to flee. Right? In case we have a family. Don't all women always have a little getaway in case the husband goes psycho. Sure.

Yes. Right? Yeah. It's a thing. Maybe I have a side only fans. He doesn't know about it. about maybe can i talk to you about that yes just uh have you ever considered the only fans thing no at all no because i've heard about some people who are okay looking

millionaires but what are they showing butholes oh oh my god Tom. I'm not doing it. No one's buying mine. I haven't opened an account yet. But, yeah, they get pretty intimate. And I think they do like side touching things. Yeah.

And millionaires. But they never show their face. Yeah, they show their face. Oh, well, then, yeah, no. I think they show their face. You can't do that. They make a lot of money. Yeah, but still.

I know. your butt. I know. Who needs that? I have never in my life had the desire to be like, what does this butt look like? I was never. I was thinking about that when I was walking the dogs this morning. I was like, what a weird thing to be a dog. Well, there's this person who's got you tied up. He's just staring at your ass and seeing if it's releasing or not so we can go back home because that's all I was doing. Just looking at Bella's butt. Like, you're not even close. Come on already. Go use the kitty litter. Joe, you go on my. Joe, you go on my. only fans, right?

Yeah, regularly. And what do you like to look at? Yeah, I'd say butthole. You nailed it. And does it cost a lot? I mean, you have tears, right? Right. So, yeah, it caught...

Crying when your wife catches you, or, like, levels. No, levels. Levels. Right. You pay more to see more. Oh, you do? I mean, I think you can set it up however you want, but that's just how Tom Papa sets his up.

Oh. Wouldn't it be hilarious if somebody used your name and then through AI, because now they can do this, put your face on somebody that's like turned around. Right. And then it's this, but it's there. They're making a lot of money off of. But, and be like, I wonder what Tom's butt looks like, here you go. And they're like.

That's like the new, that's the next wave of like, oh, now it's my Facebook fan page got hacked. Oh, no. And then it's basically my face got hacked. Like they're using people's faces, that Taylor Swift thing. Well, that already, like, there are things like you can see so-and-so naked, and it's obviously a... It's not them. Not them, right?

Yeah. So that's, yeah, that's going to, I guess that's going to happen. Joey, if you could afford it, would you go on my only? I would. What would you hope to see? Get that prime access? It's kind of relationship oriented, right? Like you have your person that you follow and that you, right?

You're like into. I think part of the access you can pay for is like getting the message the person you're seeing, you know, kind of intimately seeing their stuff. Like it's a live stream? Not necessarily. I think it's a lot of uploaded stuff. And then you, certain tiers are able to pay, you know, pay the person to talk to them. We should do an only fans for this podcast.

Cast. Okay. Okay. He's really taking a turn from the days we used to just show up with bread. Hey, you, come on. You were enticed by the millions of dollars. Millions of dollars. We're leaving on the table.

It's so sad, isn't it? Yeah. So we just do, we'll do an only fans. Where they get a special episode. Right. Where we are in the booth when we finally get it. Right. And it's just the sound of our ass cheeks getting stuck to the fake leather.

Oh, it's just audio. Yeah. That's good. I'm more comfortable with that. People are into that, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Everybody?

I'm just going to sit now on this. I'm going to sit on this booth now. Oh. It's so hot in here. Ugh. It's so creepy. People will pay for anything. People will do.

Yeah. They would love it. Yeah. Millions of dollars. Okay, so wait, we started talking about something and I went into OnlyFans because you were talking about. Did you want your wife to know like all the passwords? God forbid. I think I created at one point, I created a folder on my laptop.

Don't tell people. What? That would have some info in it. Okay, okay. But I don't think it's there anymore or if it is there, It's probably old stuff. Yeah. It's probably like my MySpace password and stuff like that.

I saw the movie American Fiction. Nominated. Well worth it. You would like it. I have a screener. I got one. WGA emailed it to me and I have not watched yet. It's a good one.

Yeah. Yeah. It's really, really well done. Beautiful story. But I bring it up only because the... someone dies and they left a letter just in case they had no it wasn't like they were planning on it but they just wrote a thing like if I were to ever totally healthy person just wrote a letter saying this was me in my life and kind of thing it was kind of cool it was kind of like a nice

little you know your last note to your family yeah kind of a thing do you think if you write that letter that you jinx yourself and then to end up in a dream where you're seeing yourself being zipped up? I don't think so. I was raised with hardcore superstitions. And I have since outgrown them. Let them all go. And I am now a recovering, you know, Russian superstitious person. Right.

Because it was really rough in my house. I'm not kidding. It was, it got like, man. It was, yeah. Like, yeah, like. It was like OCD. Right, right. You know, we had to, if we were leaving for a trip,

we had to sit on the stairs before we let, like sit down before as a group, before we left. You know, you're like rushing getting the luggage. Yeah. Oh, no, the taxi's here. You know, my mom would be like, everybody sit down. And you had to sit? Yeah, and the taxi's like, beep, beep, beep. And that was giving you like a moment of.

She just, it was a superstition. Isn't there a Russian superstition that you can't, you have to exercise. You have to exit a different door than you enter. I don't know that one. How many doors do people have in their house? But you can't hug over a threshold of the door. You can't hug. That's bad luck.

Oh, really? I can't pass something sharp to you. I can't gift you anything sharp because then you and I will be in a duel. Oh. And then it'll cut into our relationship and we'll fight and it won't be the same. Right. For many years, I would not love. that Mike pass a knife to me.

Really? Yeah, or scissors or anything. Right. And then after having kids, you just don't have the energy. Yeah. Some of them are fun to hang on to. Well, I only have one. My wife was making my daughter's nervous with knocking on wood.

Oh, that's what Jews are all about. I know, but she was, my daughter was, she had, someone gifted her a piece of wood, knock on wood. Oh, that's cute. Yeah. She would keep it in the minivan in the little console next to her. And it got too mad. It got OCD where she couldn't say anything without touching it.

And my daughter, you know, kids always clock what the parents are doing. You don't realize they're watching every move. And my wife would be, my wife would be driving and say, yeah. Yeah, so, yeah, when we get back home, when we get back home, maybe we'll have pasta for dinner. and knock the wood. And my daughter was like, do you think we're not making it back? Are we not going?

She was like quietly, and she wasn't being like knock wood. She would just quietly touch it. And my daughter was like, you got to stop. You're really freaking me out. Because she's knocking wood on everything. Like when your father gets back

or when we get back, or hopefully when the dogs, it's like when we go back from vacation, it was, yeah. It got a little much. I don't believe. Yeah, I don't believe in them anymore. Yeah, they can run away.

Yeah, but I think it's stressful to raise kids like that. I was scared my entire childhood. Yeah, it's all fear. We were playing at someone's house and we were lying on the floor and someone stepped over me, right? Because they're just stepping over me to play over here. My mom lost her mind. Wow. You have to step back.

You have to. She will not grow. She will not grow. And then I go, you have to step back over me. Like, I freaked out at this kid. And this kid's like, and this kid grew up with the same Russian shoe. Yeah. But they were just kind of being a kid.

Right. And they were like, okay, okay. And they stepped over. I go, oh, I'm going to grow. Like, what? Yeah, it's terror. You know what I mean? Yeah.

It's not good. You're traumatizing. We're all going to traumatize our kids in some way. Sure. But the made up ones. Yeah. Why add on to it? It's too much.

But not to bring it back to the elephant in the room. Seeing yourself dead in a dream. I am sure it's happened to other people. Does it happen to you, Joey? No, not me dying. Joey doesn't have enough. Never happened to me either. But Joey doesn't have enough, like, sustenance in his body to make dreams.

You need energy circulating through your body to, let's, it's like an old. Oldie time movie camera. You know what I mean? All right, well, it's never happened to me either before last night. Yeah. Yeah. I can't remember one where I did. I feel like there's a lot of close calls.

There's a lot of like falling. There's that kind of thing. Yeah. But haven't you had like scary ones where your kids are involved? Like those scare me and disturb me and wake me up out of my sleep. Yeah. This when I woke up, I was not upset. It was more like.

Whoa. I can't believe I still even remembered it. It was very, very vivid. Yeah, that is a thing. I don't know if my heart is beating fast from that story or from the espresso. It's the coffee. Is it? This coffee is not regular.

I don't understand why you love coffee more than anyone I know. 100%. You'll have coffee at like 10 o'clock at night and go to sleep. Yeah, but this is cut with something. Do you know what I mean? It's like when you have Coke and it's cut with something even worse than Coke. I'll get you the baby one. Yes.

I'll get the two. Please. Abraham, make a note to get weaker coffee. Yes, thank you. This is, it's very, it feels like it's trying to kill you. I was just going to say, does it feel like you're dying? Maybe that was what the dream was about. Yeah, I think the whole objective here is to get you out of the studio before something bad happens.

Don't worry, I'm not going to blame you. But just in case, my past. words are. We have an update on our set. Yeah. It's in the works. Okay. Great update. Great update.

Yeah. This is going to be exciting. I have an update on me becoming a supermodel. In the works. Everything's in the works. Last time we were talking about your kids being in show business and how they're following in your footsteps. And your son played a vulture in Wizard of Oz, which to me, after I thought about it, was kind of great

because he's so hungry that he's created a role for himself in a movie that doesn't call for a vulture. In the kids' musical, they have to create roles that don't exist. And the vulture flies, number one, and has some of the best lines. A lot of good puns. What do you think? Or a monkey?

No. Here's what they say. They come out. The lion has just confessed to Dorothy and the tin man and the scarecrow. I don't have any courage. Right. Okay. And the lion, before they come out, he's like, I haven't slept for days.

Right? And they go, why don't you try counting sheep? I'm afraid of them. It's a good line. It's a great line. And that's when the vultures come flying in. Uh-huh. up above and one of the bolchers says,

who's ever heard of a lion who's afraid of everything? Because they need the lion to kill. Right. So they can come in and gobble up all the scraps. And then, you know, my kid, his first line is we've been following this king

around for days, only to find out he's a vegetarian. And that's exactly how he did it. And he gets a laugh. You got a laugh? Yeah. Nice.

I know. I watched Wizard of Oz recently a lot shorter than I remember as a child. Not those credits. To me, Wizard of Oz was like playing Monopoly. It was like, are we going to start this because we're never coming back? Right. It's over pretty quick. Really?

Yeah. It's a lot shorter than I remember as a child. Huh. Yeah. I think I would just get scared of the monkeys or maybe get tired. I get scared of those guards. Not bad. So now they're moving on.

to Oliver. They're doing Oliver next, yes. Both kids are just... Both kids now. Both kids in Oliver. Yes. Which one is going to play the scampish pickpocket? Braden wants to be the artful Dodger.

We don't know. They let certain age groups audition for certain roles. You would be good with that. He would. Yeah. He would be good because he obviously, he has that charm where he's able to charm people out in the world, but for the people who really know him, he's actually bad news. He is a true con artist

Yeah Yeah Because he had me fooled on Christmas Eve Yeah I was like this kid's a delight What a gentleman Yeah And then we'll be on the road together

And you'll be like Oh my God I can't believe he did such and such Yeah yeah yeah I can't believe he texted me I hate you Right He did that once That's right awful I get it

They're kids I get it I hate you was pretty impactful Joe can you imagine Joe's baby just turned one Can you imagine this little, this little beautiful, scented being in a, in feet pajamas, is one day going to text you that they hate you?

No, I'm really afraid of it, but my hope is that he just texts that to his mother and not to me. Yeah, does your son ever do it to your, no, to Mike? Yeah. Absolutely not. Yes. It's all to the mom.

It's all. Yes. Why? Because the mom does everything for them? It's the mom. You know, it's the mom. Yeah, the mom catches it. And I tell him, I go, I am on your team.

It's the hardest thing for me to convince him. I'm on your team. So if I say something benign, like nothing. Yeah. Hey, it's 42 degrees in the morning. Maybe put on a long sleeve shirt. He looks. You're the word.

He just starts to like seizure. And I go, I'm just, I'm making a factual statement. I'm looking at the weather. Yeah. And then I'm also giving you life experience. Why? I wonder if it comes. Do you take that so personal?

I had a thing. My mother and I apparently, I have vague memories of it, but we fought apparently about what I was wearing the school for a year. In like fourth grade. and I wonder if you take it as a kid as judgment on yourself. Sure. Like maybe you're not saying put on a short sleeve, a long sleeve shirt because it's going to warm you.

You're taking it as you think I'm an idiot or. And I get that. I think that's probably where it comes from, which is, there's no solve for that. There's no solve. He just has to grow up. So he came downstairs once in this crazy like camo shirt. Okay, fine.

And then these pants that were like the solar system. Yeah. And I go, okay. Like Mike and I look at each other and right away we know, if we say something, we're going to set him out, like trigger him. Yeah. And I go, hey, just heads up. Because I'd rather tell him than some douchebag in junior high.

Well, yeah. Okay. That's, I had a joke about that. Okay. That I don't have to do it because the world will do it. Yes, I know that joke. Right? Like, I don't have to correct them.

That'll have you walk into school with solar pants. Yeah. The kids are going to let you know you look like an Imrod. I mean, it's too much going on. So you told them? I just said, hey, I love those pants. You got to start with a compliment. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I love those pants. My personal opinion, take it or leave it. A solid color would be great because then it's not a lot. And he still wore it. He still wore it. He still wore it. How to go?

Crazy. I have no idea. But sometimes, but once Mike and I, he came downstairs and we were like, whoa, no, no, no. Go upstairs and change one of these. They don't know how to dress. It's a lot. Yeah. I didn't, them being crazy, like hair, whatever, like, I just let it go.

It was just kind of like, who cares? You want to go out looking like Cindy Lauper combined with whoever. It got tricky when they got older, and my one daughter would dress provocatively. That's when the fights came in. They had a lot hanging out, and it was a new way for girls. we just express ourselves and we're not the problem. The guys are the problem. That caused a lot of fights for a long time,

which we lost, I think, every one of them. When Mike dresses too provocatively, I also... Well, he's different because he lets it hang out so much. He has a nice rack. That everybody's used to it now. You're like, oh, I'm going to see nuts. So... We're going to see a little nuts.

Mike's coming. Yeah, here he comes. It's almost like he... You've seen all of it, so who cares? What can you do? It's his way of expressing himself. When I was a boy in fourth grade, I was fighting with my mother about the clothes. She wanted me to dress more appropriately, respectfully, and I wanted to wear flannel shirts with my Led Zeppelin's t-shirt.

In the fourth grade, you were that cool? I was really cool. Wow. And she did not think that was appropriate for school. So we fought and fought Until I Realized Don't fight

Just stick the flannel shirt and the lead zeppelin thing in your lunchbox And on your way to school Make a little pit stop in the woods And change into your cool stuff And then go to school And at the end of the day You change and come home

In the nerdy stuff she wants you to wear Perfect plan Until she screamed downstairs, get down here, and I went down, and she was holding my class picture. And I realized in that moment, when I'm in my class picture with my flannel shirt and my Led Zeppelin thing with a badass attitude, I didn't change because I was a moron. I didn't change into the nerdy stuff for the class pictures. I let them take pictures of me as the cool guy, never thinking they would ever see it.

And my mom's holding a picture of me. in the shirts that she's been screaming about and I got busted and my plan fell apart. Amateur. I could still see it. I had the sleeves rolled up. Red flannel shirt.

I'm just kind of like what a moron. Thinking like she's going to see it you dummy. But we did that too. I mean I wanted to dress like Madonna. Right. And that was a lot of, you know, see-through and fish net and you know, but we

We had to, yeah, we would wear one thing out the door and then get to school and put on a fishnetsy-thrued T-shirt. Yeah. Maybe I should tell your son to do that. He doesn't fight with you anymore. Here's what he did this morning. He can't figure it out. He's in a T-shirt.

Again, I don't care. You want to wear a T-shirt? You're going to be freezing, but fine. And he goes to his sister, Claire Bear, can you go downstairs and get my jacket, please? She goes to get his jacket that's hanging on the hook, goes and brings it upstairs to him. I already know because I was a bad kid. This is the thing, when you have a parent who was a bad kid, we know all of it already.

All of it. I don't see it coming. He put the jacket on so I wouldn't see he's wearing a short sleeve t-shirt. Number one, I'm looking at the t-shirt that I already know is a short sleeve. Do you know what I mean? Like, I know this design. I bought it for you. So dumb, you're dumb, you're dumb.

And number two, why would you ask your sister to bring you a jacket upstairs? You dummy. I already know you're up to something. That's so random. We grab our jackets on the way out the door, not while you're upstairs getting dressed. So he comes downstairs and I go, put on a long sleeve shirt, like right away. So how do you feel when he, when you see him in his short sleeve shirt and you're trying to make this case and discipline him? and then Mike walks by in a thong and a sleeveless shirt.

Mike pays taxes, you know, he can do what he wants. No, I told him, I go, honestly, you want to wear a T-shirt? It's 42 degrees. Yeah. Fine. I mean, what do you, I can't police him. No, no, you can't. He's going to be, yeah, but then he gets the flu and then you got to deal with it.

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I know what they did. They dipped them in chocolate, and then they put them in a bag, and then they send them in my house. Oh, what kind of... Do you have a friend in your life that does that? They would take gummy bears, dip them in chocolate, and send them to you, along with root beer barrels and a bunch of those chocolate-covered pretzels, and then just some healthy almonds and stuff? Do you have a friend that would do that? No, you don't.

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The pants I have on are my most recent purchase, and I want to say they are four, To six months old? Four to six months? Yeah. Wow. I think I'm going to say before the pandemic. No, no. My sister gave me that, like a hint gift card, you know, that, because she's, she's always

been like my fashion, I don't know, consultant. Consultant, yeah. Because I have an older sister, she's almost two years older, so it's like the perfect age for her to be like, don't look like an idiot as a boy. And so she gave me that. And with the subtle, like, maybe get yourself a new pair of pants. So is it Target gift card? No, that's the thing.

You get it from your sister. This is Everlane, maybe. Yeah, they're in, it's in Venice. They have like an Abbott Kinney store, so I think they're fancy. Wow. Never, didn't know they had men's clothing, but they do. I checked, and, yeah, ordered myself a nice pair of pants. He's wearing women's pants.

He's wearing women's pants. What about a nice Levi? Yeah, Levi's are great. I went to a Levi's when I was on the road, and it was in a Macy. like the Leibis section. And the array has gotten too much. Like the slightly washed, the tight on the thigh. Midnight denim.

Light blue denim. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Right? It's too much.

I can't believe it. Wow. I was thinking about it because I've been wearing the same jeans, I think, for about four or five years. No, that's normal. But then you throw in something new into the mix. I mean, this isn't a traditional gene. It's like a.

Gene material, but a dark blue pant. Wow. Yeah. Joe. Thank you. One time I did a Jiminy Glick interview. You know, Martin Shore would do Jimmy Glick. Oh, my God, the funniest.

So funny. And we were lucky enough, he did it for TBS. We were doing like a Just for Laughs taping, and Jiminy Glick was going to interview each of the comics before they went on. So it's like, you know, normally it was for really big stars, but I got to do Jiminy like just as a rising comic. And we're sitting in the interview and he's just so insane. He's got that fat suit on.

Oh, God, it's so funny. And he's so funny. And he said to me once, he said to me in the interview, so jeans, how long are we going to still do that? And I think about it all the time. It's like, should I not be wearing jeans? This was like 12 years ago. And I'm still like, should I not be wearing jeans now?

But I do think as a grown-up, you probably should upgrade. You should have fresh jeans. I will say, and this is not a, you know, paid advertisement. I did. I can't stand my husband's jeans. Oh, my God. I think they're from Miller's Outposts. They are.

You're going to have to Google that, Joey. Joey has no idea what I'm talking about. They are so old. Yeah. I just can't stand them. They're so ugly. Oh, my God. God, I hate them.

And I've been begging him. And he's like, it doesn't matter. I work in production. You know what I mean? People in production don't, they just, whatever. They wear cargo shorts. Yeah. They don't care.

That's something you can hang your gaff tape off of, you know? They're not even looking in the mirror. They don't care. No. And every shirt has some grease splotch. Every single shirt. Every shirt. And I go, I want you wearing a bib now.

I don't just eat naked. Why? Every shirt and it's just right here and it's every shirt and I tell him I go absolutely not you can't walk around like this anyways I did get him some new jeans over Christmas oh my god They're cute And their their Their marketing strategy thing is we won't squeeze your nuts Who is promise you? It's not a great name, I'll be honest

It's just called perfect jeans Which I hate because it just sounds like a car wash or, you know what I mean? Like a really bad donut shop that you go to. You know, that's just called Perfect Donut. You know, it's just terrible. So I'm not a fan of that. I wish they would have tried harder or consulted maybe a friend. Yeah.

But they're so cute. They make your butt look amazing. And they're stretchy. Uh-huh. And they have great. Like, they're just, honestly, they are the perfect gene. I hate that I'm now agreeing with them. No, it's all right.

But it's not a paid advertisement, although, hey, feel free to send us some. But for you to be all of a sudden looking at your shulbby husband and being like, wow, he's hot again. Yes. That's a big endorsement. I'm telling you, ladies, go out there. Maybe they should send you some free jeans. Yeah. Perfect gene.

Maybe you should consider. What are your measurements? Joe, write that down. What are your measurements? Call them. Yeah. I'm a 3432. They have it.

They have it. Yeah, if you want to feel like you're cheating on your husband, ladies, put him in a, with your husband. Do you want to cheat on your husband with your husband? Yeah, put him in a pair of perfect jeans. Hello. Wow. Now, does he, does he, has he seen the benefit of this? Yes.

He likes them. Oh. And they're, and they can be dressy. You know what I mean? And do you think that he feels like, oh, this is great. Kira is attracted to me again? Or does he think, oh, this is great. She's not bothering me about my jeans again?

Both. But also, like, maybe now she'll give me her passwords. Oh. You know? Yeah. Yeah. So back to the password thing. Do you think you should have a file, a folder on your laptop and just tell your family, just tell Mike, just so you know.

Just so you know. There's an important, if anything were to happen. Yeah. This is a difficult thing to say out loud, though, to your. Yeah. Back to the suspicious thing. You got to do it, though. I know, but it is that we all have that hesitation.

but to say to your spouse, just in case something were to happen to me, there's a folder on the laptop that was all my important information. We have Bitcoin. Here's how you get it. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Isn't it weird that that's a difficult thing to say out loud, though? Well, have you done like a living will or trust thing? The same difference. Which I really want to look into because I don't think there's a clear, like there's clear where the money goes kind of thing. Well, to your wife.

Who's it going to go to? Joey? Who needs it more? Who needs it more? You can just leave them like some mac and cheese. He'll be fine. But no, but there's the degrees. There's you and then in your wife,

but if you both were to go. Yes. There's different things. I don't think, I could be wrong, but I'm not sure if we have any of the necessary instructions for if you're on life support, if you are. Oh, yeah, you have to.

If you have, like, where are you going to be buried? Are you going to be buried? Are you going to be cremated? All of that kind of stuff? I don't know if we did it and I just didn't think about it. Yeah. But I don't, I know there's, she wants to be cremated and I want a giant tombstone with a raven on it. And I don't know, I don't know, I know, I know, I haven't picked where.

where that raven's going to be. Right. You're leaving it up to your daughters? Yeah, that's kind of mean. I think we should write that down. Can you write it down on a napkin and just leave it? Or put it in that folder? Put it in that folder.

Make it really cool. It probably won't be binding, but at least they'll have some. You should leave some instructions. So remember I tried that joke one time? I think it was in Walla Walla. Yeah. Where I prepaid my mom's funeral. Yes.

Which is a hard thing to talk about. But the good news is I use. I use my amics, so I'm getting points. Right. You laugh. Most people don't. Really? No.

It doesn't work? I love that joke. That shouldn't work. I know. I love that gig, too. That gig is a great. But, you know, it's a hard thing to think. I mean, when I went and did it, I felt like I was cheating on my mom.

You know what I mean? Like, I thought I was betraying her. But, you know, you got to put a funeral on layaway. Unless you want to get surprised by stuff. For some reason, my youngest was on this list where they thought she was older than 80 years older than she was. Oh, no. At like 10, she started getting AARP mail, Forest Lawn, male. Oh, my God.

Like all of this nursing home stuff, she just started getting old. She somehow got on a list as a young kid, and here's some hell for you. And it'd be like, do you want to be buried next to your husband? Someone bought a database. You know what I mean? They buy these databases. It's so obnoxious. I know.

My husband started getting Mike Soltanovich. Oh, really? Junk mail. Uh-huh. And I'm like, who is writing to Mike? Like someone put it together? Yeah. Weird.

That is weird. But yeah, all these advertisements to Mike Soltan. Well, that's ridiculous. Joe, where do you want to be buried? No, we just did this because I just had a baby. Right. So we set up the trust. We had to answer all the questions, how you want to be bare, what you want to happen, right?

Yeah. And Jen and I had never had that conversation, but it turns out we both want to be cremated. So, and like we said it to the lawyer. The first time we ever said it to each other was to the lawyer who was putting it together. Yeah. So this, I think it's great news. But do you go, so where do you want to be scattered or do you not want to be scattered? I think I do want to be scattered.

We have not had that conversation. I'll take scattered anywhere, but there's probably some cool places. I think nature would be great, don't you think? Do you really care? I don't care, but I just feel like no way. That's just a beautiful idea. Whether they do it, I don't care.

But I want to die thinking like, oh, they're going to spread my ashes on that favorite hike that I love. I mean, I have to think about this, because my mom does want to be cremated. Yeah. And I'm like, well, then, what? I can't put this thing.

Everybody makes plans, but no one really goes all the way normally. Like, then what do you do with them? Like, my cats, one of our cats remains, I always think it's printer toner, because it's just in my office closet. Oh, yeah. I was like, what? Oh, right. Lee. I know.

And put it away. I don't want to be scattered. No. What do you want to do? And how many people are just scattering people everywhere, by the way? I mean, someone just threw their mother's remains on, was it pink? What? At a concert?

No. Joey, look it up. Really? Yeah, they went to pink. Was it pink or Beyonce? Someone huge, a huge concert. And they got front row seats specifically for this. And then they threw their mother's ashes at pink, like in her face.

I think she got it in her mouth. No. Yep, it was pink. It was pink. My gosh. She got it in her mouth. She was pissed. She was like, do not.

not throw your mom in my mouth. Ew. So weird. See? The way I want to do it, Pink would, if she wants, can come spend a little time at the Raven. There'll be a little bench. Yeah, yeah. Big stone.

Here lies. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, you want sound effects. That would be kind of different and unique, where you go and it's activated like a Halloween scare thing. You step on something and you go, I'm Tom Papa. Welcome. I know, but I thought about that, but I bet they'd stop working at some point. And then it's like,

even better. Even better. Or one of your bits is recorded. You know, you have one of your jokes that comes. It's like fun. It will make cemeteries fun. You look forward to it. It's going to be a new business for us.

Listen, I mean, yes, there's some upkeep. We'd like to thank our sponsor. at recorda plot.com. I guess I gotta go to New Jersey. Oh. I got to go back to New Jersey. Yeah. Where it all started?

Yeah. And is that weird that you're living in a place where you wouldn't want to be buried? Yeah. Like should I be living? I should be living in New Jersey if I want to be buried in New Jersey.

Or that's just like going home after you're out on your adventure. What about just the ocean? I don't like dumping in the ocean No I don't know I mean I love the ocean Fish poop in the ocean I mean it happens

You know the stuff happens in the ocean But I don't like boats Oh The idea that when I'm done You're taking me out on another boat trip I don't want to go on It's very upsetting And you're all worried

How much did this cost you guys Did you get ripped off? I didn't want to be on a boat Now you're chartering a thing I'm getting seasick as ashes And now I'm in the sea that's upsetting to me. No, I want to be on land. Yeah.

When I was arrogant and young, I used to say, just put me in one of those big bread paper bags. You know, when they drop off the delivery of the bread in those tall bags. Yeah. Just put me in that and get me in the earth and get me mulching really early. Yeah. But now that I'm older, I think that's, I'm not as, I'm a little more worried about my body. in the afterlife and i feel like i should be in something silky in concrete in the earth in a sealed off very expensive box i mean that's fine too what about um what about the the drawers oh yeah there's

those drawers the musselium right yeah yeah those are not as expensive i don't think they're called musselium musliums mozzolium sorry well musselium sounds like well english is my second language but thanks Thanks for reminding me. Is it your second language? Did you speak Russian French? Only Russian until I was four. Wow. Nice.

Strasvuti. Oh, God. Bessavidania. Okay, don't do that anymore. The author. No. You sound like one of those recorded plots that is now Zoroastworthy. That's pretty good.

No, we call it plots with a Z. Because when you plots, it's like Yiddish, it's funny. Right? It's like funny. Right. I don't like this business. We need a side hustle. If it's not your butt on OnlyFans, we need a side hustle.

The other thing with being mixed with being cremated, you've heard these stories, right? Where they just mix you in with a bunch of other people and just cook you all at once? Sounds kind of hot. And then your family's taking home you and a bunch of other people. Yeah. It's like an afterlife orgy. Are you going to donate your organs? No.

Do not donate your organs. This is the total opposite of what my friend said. Okay. I do, I have to change it on my, on my driver's license because I did click donate. Uh-huh. Because of course, right? Yeah, someone's going to eat it's a kidney. Oh my God.

If you are almost kind of sort of injured and they take you to a hospital and you're an organ donor, they're like, get his, get his kidney. No. Yes. For real? For real. So if you're borderline, but. Borderline, they kick you over to the other side of the border. Yes, they do.

How do you know this? Because they need those organs so badly. And you might make it through. You might not. We don't know yet. So I would just nudge you to the other side. Oh, there's probably a black market too. 100%.

Are you kidding? A liver? A heart? Oh, I'm going to change it. I thought it was helping people, but they're trying to come me up. I've heard this. I've heard this 100%. I have never verified it, but that is the common complaint about don't check the box.

Lord. I know. It's all a racket. How do I change it? Do I have to wait for my license to be renewed? It does seem like a funny thing to go straight to the DMV just to change that. You really seem like an A-Hull for that one. Maybe you can do it online and they won't know.

I made a mistake. Oh, that's terrible news. Because you feel like you're being a good person, right? My friends, like father or mother got saved from a kidney or a thing. Of course. You have to. Of course you have to. The thing is they can't, I know, this is this podcast has gotten so dark.

We haven't left your dream. We have not. The power of that dream, it sucked us in. But here's the thing, they can't take an organ out of an already dead body. It has to still be basically kind of alive. That is not true. Joe! That's not true.

Joe's going to look it up. There's not true. Yeah. They're not taking organs out of living people. They're not living, living like at the mall. They're not like going to a movie. They're not, your heartbeat is, no, you've got to be legally dead before they're cutting out. No.

Yes. Organ donation is only possible when the donor has died in a hospital. Organs need a supply of oxygen-rich blood to remain suitable for transportation. Okay. Yeah, but they're dead. So donors are put on artificial respiration to keep their heart beating so that the oxygen-rich blood continues to circulate through their body. This is from the government of the Netherlands.

Oh, we can't trust them. They're high. They're so high. Anyways, they're not like... I shivered a little bit during that description. You're not like alive, alive. You're dead. You are on the edge.

You're basically like, hey, we're going to come in and we're going to give the last rights. I don't know what they do. My Jewish grandmother lived to 101. And we were at this hospital in San Francisco. We knew she was going to go. She's 101. I'm not trying to save her at this point.

We get it. But she's still alive. And this priest kept walking into the hospital room. He's just there, part of the hospital. He's like, would you like me to say a few words? And we're like, no. Yeah. No, we're Jewish.

We're okay. Yeah. And he's like, okay, well, I'm here to comfort you. You're not. You're making us uncomfortable. We're so uncomfortable right now. And then he leaves. And then a few hours later, he comes back.

I just want to let you know I'm here to pray with you. Pray what? Do you speak Yiddish? No. What are you going to pray about? What are you doing? Leave us alone. We don't thank you.

We know you're doing this out of the kindness of your heart. But we're good. Just get out of here. Just go and he would not leave. But anyways, that's what I mean by still technically alive. At what age do people not want your organs? Well, if it's Hollywood, 22, am I right? But like, good news.

We got you a kidney. Oh, thank God. it's 101 years old. I mean, you still have a couple good miles on it. Probably. Yeah. You think, really? Do you think?

I think so. You don't think there's a cutoff? No, as long as that's not the thing that they like. It's like buying milk a couple days past the thing, right? I mean, if you get a couple days, you get a couple days. Right. The only good thing about being buried in New Jersey is that with my concierge key status on American Airlines, the flight will be pleasant.

Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? You'll be taking care of. I'm not going to be in coach. No way. Right? How many flights, what percentage of flights that you're on do you think there are dead bodies in cargo? A lot.

Percentage? I don't know about percentage. But I've seen two, maybe three. Uh-huh. Yeah. Go underneath? Yeah, and they pulled them out on the other side. You're looking to see if your suitcase is coming and then?

It's on the other side. Oh, it's on the other side? Yeah. Uh-huh. Your luggage is coming out this. way and then you're like, what's that? What's, who's that? Yeah.

There's bodies being flung all over the place. I mean, okay, I don't know because you and I fly a lot. You fly way more. I would say with you, your percentage is probably a little higher than mine. 15? What percentage of flights? Oh, just in the world. Yeah.

Domestic flights in a day. What percentage of those thousands of flights? In the world? Domestic. Mm. Domestic. I'd say 30% have dead bodies in them. Well, we'd have to do some math.

The number I have here is 50,000 dead bodies are transported by plane every year. 50,000 a year. How many flights do you think there are in a year? Oh, every day there's probably... Thousands. 50,000. Oh, okay. There's a lot of flights.

You ever look at the flight aware? Yes. And you just see the map of all the flights. How are they not just... I know, exactly. It's insane. I know. I tried and count my daughter when she was worried about flying.

I'm like, there are thousands every day. She was like, yeah, but ours is going to be the one that crashes. So, yeah, there's a lot of dead bodies being flown around, I guess. Yeah. What percentage of people... Look that up, Joe. What percentage of people after... seeing themselves die in a dream die that day.

Oh my God. It's 50%. Yes. Half the time. Half the time. Yeah. It's not looking good. I think it's the coffee that's going to do me in.

Oh, it's so funny. Well, this turned into a weird podcast for sure, but also very good. I mean, it's kind of cool to talk about this kind of stuff. It is. Like that guy on that picture over there. Yep. There's no way you're going to run into him. Where?

Anywhere on earth. Why? Because he's dead. It's an old picture of a young man who's no longer here. Yeah. It's just life. But you should leave instructions for your people. Leave instructions.

Because what we learned is when you do die and you're yelling at your family, the instructions, they're only kind of going to hear you. from your dream. I kind of regret telling you. No, it was good. It was, ooh, I get it. I mean, that's a weird thing. Intense. Yeah.

What was that horror movie where she died? The one from four weddings and a funeral. Andy McDowell? No, maybe that wasn't it. Are you thinking of final destination with the premonitions? No, she's in the house. house. They're finding stuff in the attic.

She's haunting in the house. You sound like my mom right now. I know. Who's the guy with that guy with the thing? What's this movie? They have this guy and he says, let's go. And then everybody's like, come on. Yeah.

We'll be right back with not knowing much about anything. Well, at least we now, we know the instruction. So, Joey, do you want to be cremated? I don't really know. Haven't thought a lot about it. Because we need to know like... Yeah, I feel like we should all share with each other. What do you want us to do with the espresso cup of you?

When it's all over. So you haven't thought about it. You're too young to think about it. Yeah, you don't have to think yet. Yeah, don't think about it. We don't want to put the whammy on you. This is a whammy free zone is what we're trying to say. Your dream gave us the ability to talk about it freely.

And if we all come back for the next episode, I know what there's no such thing. Here's the thing. I really truly feel like it's actually a good omen. I think so too. I don't know why. That's how I woke up. Yeah.

So. You shed something. Good stuff. You shed something and now you're going forward into the next phase. Good stuff. Right. I feel. Of moving out and living on my own without my husband and kids.

Yeah. You'll be. You're going to have the best time in France. You're going to meet a billion. You know, whoever hired you to come back has a plan. Oh, my God. Go to tompapa.com. Look up all of the dates.

We're touring all over the place. We've got a show coming up in Vancouver. We're going to the Northeast. We're going at its second shows in Boston and in Pontevira and Orlando. We've got shows in the big one. You and I will be performing at the Netflix's Joke Festival at the Ace Theater at the Ace Hotel on May 3rd. Oh, we're going to have a big announcement soon too. But I don't think I can say it now.

So we'll just have to tune in again. You guys are the best. We'll see you soon. Got it, Joey.