Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 10 - Bill Burr

Episode Date: July 14, 2020

Time for a cigar and a scotch as we break bread with the great Bill Burr. He’s one our greatest comedians and has a hilarious animated show ‘F is for Family’ on Netflix.  Got to WineAccess.com/papa to get $20 off your first order of $50 or more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Everybody loves Bill. Why is Bill so passionate? Why is Bill so hilarious? You know why? Because he cares. He truly looks at life, sees what's wrong with it, and rails about it because he cares. We've spent a lot of time together. We've had holidays with our families together. We have a lot of great meals, a lot of great cigars, a lot of great times. Just the best. I'm so lucky to have Bill Burr. as a part of my life. And now you are lucky to listen to him. Bill Burr. Hello.

Bill. Hey, it's happening. How are you? Sorry for the delay. No worries. Started fucking with settings, of course, five minutes. Once you start messing with the settings,

there's no turning back. Yeah, we should have started that three days ago. That's okay. Good to see you. How are you? I'm all right. Right. How are you? I'm doing good. You know. Good to see. Dealing with the boredom. I know. I know. It is, uh, we're just going to jump right in. I, uh, I, um, I know. How are you dealing

with the boredom? I feel like I, I feel like I go through periods of real contentment. Like, this is nice being around with my family and taking some time. And then just this wave of what the hell am I doing with my life? Yeah, I went through that, but I've now, now that other countries have seemed to have gotten this thing under control and we haven't, I think this is really a bad look for us and an issue of national security where we're clearly showing to the world that we're a divided country, which means we're a weak country,

which means we're vulnerable to a possible whatever. Right. And my broad brush solution is I would regulate media ownership again, and I would dissolve CNN and Fox News because they've just politicized this thing to the point that somebody sent me a video and there was people yelling at people wearing masks going, take off that mask, you effing coward. That's how they're hearing it. Oh, my God.

And then you got other people like mask. shaming people and then it's spilling into, then one of the people who wasn't wearing a mask took a swing at someone that was wearing a mask, then the person wearing the mask said to the cop, hey, you're going to do something about that? And then the non-mask wears were like, I thought you wanted to defund the police.

Oh, my God. All of these things just all came together and nobody like, everybody with the slice of information that they're listening to that is so vivid between their ears. And it's just like, Right. It's really a bad, it's a bad, I'm trying to put together a movie right now and they go,

well, can you shoot it in Toronto? Because they've had no new cases. I know. And I'm just like, Toronto has no new cases, but in the middle of nowhere out here we do. It's like, obviously this choosing sides thing is not working. I just wish there was somebody or something out there that could bring us together instead of just the screaming and yelling and. And rooting for different colored ties doesn't seem to be working.

I know, exactly. I was a little heartened that the president was like, oh, no, I'm going to wear a man. He pretended like it never happened before. He was like, yeah, I'm wearing a mask today. And, you know, and it was like, oh, if he had just said that in March, that whole segment wouldn't have seen it as a slight and a protest by wearing this thing. They saw it from day one because CNN was like, ooh, here's a way to get him out. And it's just like all the things to use.

Right, exactly. You know what I mean? Well, this is a, like nobody wants to see old people die. Nobody wants to see people with asthma or health issues die. Yeah. Nobody wants to see that. But, you know, CNN and Fox News are, they're awful. It's terrible.

And you can tell when you talk to somebody who watches one of the other. all the time because there is no talking to him. No, I know. I actually said that on stage. I went, I snuck out and did some shows in Salt Lake City a couple weeks ago. And did your part to keep it going. All right, Tom.

Nice job. No, it was, I was very responsible. I did the research. I followed government, the government protocols. I'm breaking you, Paul.

And, and, and, but when I was on stage, I said, uh, these people are not your friend. CNN, Fox, MSNBC, this cable news is not your friend. These people are, the thing they love more than anything else is chaos. So if there's a school shooting, if there's anything, so they can keep you watching.

And now they've got the ultimate version of that, and they're just stoking it. And I was in the car and listening to CNN on the radio. And the soundtrack, the scary violins and yink, tink, tink. tint. Oh, yeah. Bump, bum, bum, bum. Yeah. And I was like, you don't have to, if they really cared about me, they wouldn't tell me how I

have to feel about the news. You know what I mean? You don't generate feelings. You know what it reminds me of? It reminds me of Discovery Channel back in the day when they had a shark week. And they tell you, sharks are one of the most misunderstood creatures out there, and blah, blah, blah. And then the whole week that they're playing Jaws music to promote it.

I know. It's just like, you guys, you're playing both sides here. I know. So when I said it on stage, it, in all four shows, it was the most, it resonated the most with the audience about like what was going on.

It was like the explosion of, of cheering and acknowledgement that these people are, are driving us crazy. Was so palpable. I know. Yeah. I turn it off.

We don't have it playing. I don't understand. I just don't understand how the, how, how we got to this place. I just don't, I, I,

I just need. somebody with like calm, level head that leans right or leans left to just sort of get us out of the ditch. And I really feel, I was joking with the buddy. Saying the left and the right, both need to lose about 30 pounds of crazy on either side. You know what I mean? You got to get rid of the... The love handles.

You got to get rid of the racist, religious fanatics. And you got to get rid of those people going, yeah, give your kids hormones when they're three years old because they identify with that mop over there. It's just like, it's just like, guys. Yeah, mellow it out. Yeah, stop politicizing your kid. That's my favorite thing the left's doing right now

is having their kids holding up politicized, like politically charged signs. Like the kid has any eye, he's just trying to make his mom or dad happy. I saw that. Some kid was holding up something that was even complex for me to read. And this little kid is holding it up over his head. Oh, and that's going to live forever.

he's going to, for his whole life, he's going to be in bars being like, I didn't even know what that meant. I've never felt those things. That was my uncle. He came over. He made a sign. I was watching, last night I was watching the birds. And it was, you know, great movie. And when the birds are coming, the main character is, he's putting up boards on the windows.

He's boarding up the windows. And it really struck me that, like, this was bad to begin with. Like this was like the pandemic was bad and it was kind of shocking that you couldn't go into the stores and restaurants. And then once the plywood went up, that's when it got really weird. Like once the plywood had to go up on all these cities and really put wood in place of the display counters, I was like, that's the thing that really, I think, pushed us over

the edge. That's when I actually started seeing the comedy of it because I loved all those stores that put that up and then started writing Black Lives Matter on it. It's like, I don't think that if you did it the second you saw the George Floyd video. Right. Then you care. And I feel like if you do it the day before they're going to protest there, it's like Black Lives Matter. Don't burn down my store.

If the paint's still running while the protests are coming through. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's, these things are all so much bigger than what my brain can handle. But I, I, I like to think I am smart enough to know that a country divided is weak. And we can, we can't keep like, I just wish everybody would just stop watching CNN and Fox. I know.

Just turn it off. Stop watching it. No, I know. Do you have it on in your house? Only if my mother-in-law comes over, she watches it. And I get like, I get anxiety when it's on. Yeah. No, you, you feel, I get anxiety.

And I get. I get, if CNN or Fox is on, I get, it makes me angry. Yeah, no, I can't have it on. It's just like, because you got one side downplaying and then the other side over ramping it up and it's just like, just blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame. Yeah, you know, that's how I always solve problems in my life, you know, rather than going after the problem, I just start blaming everybody else. Right, exactly.

And then you know what happens is eventually the person goes, you know what, it was my fault and then they do it. It just doesn't work that way. So I don't know. I know. I believe in people and I think there's a look like, I think that the vast majority of people are rational. Yes.

Tom people. I don't think they're getting into fights with people with or without masks. No. You don't see it. I don't think they're running around saying the N word. Nope. I don't think they're, all of this stuff that we've been talking about.

I just think that, but like, you know, when you do a game show, a couple of these games show, show's out here. They talk to you when you're in the line. Right. Yeah. And they can select the people that seem like they're going to be the most fun. The news does that now. Right. You're right. You're exactly. Like for all the stuff that I've watched, all the craziness that's going on, I haven't seen any of it. I know, exactly. I walk outside and none of that is happening. None of it's happening. You go to your store. Everybody's just being cool. Everyone's being friendly, getting through it. Even when at its most fraught,

even like back in March when people were like running for toilet paper. And I was really remarking, this could be, this could tip over. If it's going to tip over into crazy, this is when it's going to happen. And it didn't. People were just very polite. Everyone was on edge. You felt it. But they got through it.

And it's only when you go home and watch it on television that you, it makes it seem like the whole world is doing that. Yeah. You ever see a movie trailer that makes the movie seem way better than it is? And then you go and it's like, that movie sucked It where they showed all the best parts in the trailer. I think like CNN and Fox, they're just showing all the crazy. I know.

And then when you're like, oh my God, is that what's happening? Yeah, you see. You go on, you drive around. It's like,

hey, how are you? Right. Doing good. How are you? You see a woman in the produce section and you think, oh, here comes a Karen.

And she's just like, is this, is this ripe or not? Dude, that's another thing. thing too. Does the left see the irony with all the names and name calling that they've come up with? They have a friggin name for like everything. What do you mean for the, for for for you're, everything from your centrist, cis, blah, blah, blah, all of this shit. And it's just like, I thought you guys were against this. You sound like mean girls on a playground. And it's essentially agree with us or we're going to label you as something and stick you in that bucket

and then try and cancel you. I know. It's so bad. Yeah, I don't. Oh, man, oh, man. Well, enough with those crazy people. I mean, life is going on. I mean, how are you feeling being at home?

I mean, you're getting some bonus time, which you probably wouldn't have had with your. Oh, yeah. No, that part has been great. And I took care of. every little friggin project. I could think of except for one and that involved changing out my electric outlets, which I learned how to do,

but somebody, in the back of my head, I was like, I don't want to burn down my house. You know? Yeah, no. I saw Manchester, whatever that movie was. Right. Was that movie with KC. Fletke. I saw that movie.

Right. There's no happy ending in it. I don't want to do that. So I did everything. Right down to, you know, I bought a, I have a little ass pool and I got one of those, those solar tarp things. Yeah, yeah. Those things are good.

They fucking work like you can't believe. One of those blankets, those little, it's like, it's incredible. You got to leave it off like two, three days to get it all warmed up. And then once you do that, you can just keep taking off, putting it on. It's great. Take it off and it'll be fine. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like the perfect temperature because it's not like, you know, so warm it makes you

sit to your stomach. I know. My kids have been doing that. They've been cranking it up when their friends come over and they want a night swim and then they leave it on and you come out. The next day it's like hot out. You go to refresh in the pool. And it's like, oh, it's like swimming in soup.

It was like it was doing a giant's mouth and then he spit it back out. That's what it feels. It's gross. But, um, no, I don't know. But I've seen a lot of positive stuff out there. I just hate that the two major so. Yeah. All on November 4th.

Yeah. And they just resigned to pushing us into chaos so that the right colored tie that they feel should be in there. Yeah, it's, I know. I know. Exactly. Like if Joe Biden wins that Fox News in the right is not going to try to take him out the entire time he's present. Oh, yeah. No, it doesn't stop.

To undermine. I just don't see. Maybe this is like a good thing. Yeah. We finally kind of, I don't know. But I really feel like with all this shaming going on, there needs to be some and all the canceling going on. There needs, I just wish there would be some sort of pushback against what these people are doing. You know, it's.

Yeah. I'm just saying the same thing over again. I apologize to people watching. No, it's good. It's good. I think it's the only real solution at this point. for myself is to turn it all off. I haven't gone through a Twitter feed.

I have, we don't have CNN on or any cable news in the house because, you know, I just watch it. I mean, I act like it's for the kids, like that they, that I don't want to drive them insane, but it's really for everybody. It would drive me insane. I'm sensitive to it. So I watched it the last two days because my agent was going, maybe do something in September.

So I, for the first time I was looking at the stats dude. And I, and I was just like, yeah. It just put me in the worst mood. I was short with my family and I was just like, I can't. Yeah, I know. I think in my head, I'm just like, well, we're probably not going out until the new year. And then anything that comes in will be a bonus. But I think in my head is the thing.

If they just had a definitive day, you could probably enjoy the rest of the year. I know, exactly. It's the vagueness. I know. My daughter, you know, Lena's graduated from high school. and they just keep pushing it. They just keep pushing like, we have like this kind of a ceremony,

but then we might have a live ceremony, but then it might be on this date, and then you get your hopes of, and then they cancel it. And it's just, it's that uncertainty. It's like, just give a certainty. That's all we want out of all of this. Yeah.

It's just give me like definitive dates. They should just say, you know what, 2020 is a wash. We're going to start over in January. Do what you got to do. Work out. Hang out with your family. Stop thinking you're going to do stuff. No, I've related it to like when they delay your flight and they know it's going to be six hours minimum, but they go, they just keep pushing it back 15 minutes.

Because they're afraid if they tell you, it's going to take a six hours to get another crew in a plane here that they're going to have a mini riot in the terminal. So they just give you the bad news, 15 minutes at a time. That's so perfect. That's exactly what it is. Dude, I had a moment last night where I was cooking, and I was cooking Italian, and I was making vodka sauce. And Jolina wanted vodka sauce. So I was doing that and the onions were going and the sauce was going. And the smell of Christmas, because I haven't made this in so long, that's usually the smell of Christmas came in. I was like, I wonder, I wonder if we'll be doing that this year.

I wonder if Bill's going to come over this Christmas Eve. Well, I think by then the testing, remember when flat screen TVs were like 10 grand apiece. Now they're like 600 bucks. I think maybe by the end of the year, testing will be a lot easy. There's so much money to be made in it. I know. That, you know, maybe there'll just be a way that you go, okay. Here's the deal.

We're all getting tested. And then nobody talked to anybody. And then we're all going to meet it. And we can play with the trains. We're still going to wear masks. Unless we smoke sticks because then the smoke kills whatever's coming out of you. I have to say that is a very cool little tradition that we have, the Christmas Eve. And I caught a picture of it back in my old house the first time that you guys came.

And we were babies. We really looked like babies. And it's funny because we were like 40. I know. You know, so just know that. When we hit 60, we're like, oh, my God, look how young I looked at 50. I know. But that's really, that is a, that is a good, a good little tradition.

We fire up some good food. You guys always make a good effort, which, to be frank, I, I never thought a comedian would have it in them to keep a social engagement on a Christmas Eve. But you guys come through every year. Oh, yeah. No, that's one of our That's one of our favorite ones. This year was a little hectic because there was some people from Ephes for Family,

the cartoon show I do. They had a couple apart. I had to make sure, you know, all those guys. So I want to make sure I hit them. It just was on the same day. Right, exactly. But we got to hang with Nia before you were running around. Yeah, we always go to yours.

We always go to the madrigals. Right. There's a couple that we always have. we had a big, a big one this year that I forgot to invite you. Brutal. Which one? What was it? I had a Christmas party at our house this past year.

I've already talked to you. You've already been heartbroken. You've already guilted me. This isn't going to work. Dude, it was, it was, it was great. Oh, man. Other than I forgot to invite like six people. And I'm really bad at, you know, comedian.

I'm really bad with social stuff. And then for like an entire week. after I was like I would just drive down the street and then just be like the poppas. Oh shit. I would just do that for like a month. Did you grow up with that? Did you grow up with like holiday celebrations at all? What was what was holiday? What was Christmas time around the burrs? We grew up isolated. You never see that that documentary about that dude who had like nine kids and kept him in that New York apartment? Yeah. With no words like that. They don't they don't tell them about the outside world? Well, what happened was we were right next to a neighborhood with a bunch

of kids, but we lived on the other side of the busy street. So it was like, it was a good quarter of a mile to get where kids just went outside and played, which is what I had when I was younger. Right. So we had a bit of an arrested development, just being sort of not socialized to interacting with kids outside of school. Because once you got home, you couldn't like mingle with the kids in the neighborhood. We just interacted with each other. Right. And then, yeah, and then like my parents through like the military and working and stuff got transplanted away from all of their friends. And my dad was getting his career going. He was just work, work, work, work. And my mother was just, you know, having kid, kid, kid, kid, kid, kid. So we just became like this isolated.

amoeba up there. Were there no grandparents, no other family, like extended family? They were all, like, across the country. So they would come occasionally. Right. And that was fun. That was a great time. But like for the most part, yeah, it was, we were like the Swiss family, Robbins.

It's living in our own tree house. It's, it's an interesting thing. And then you compile that with we're all, my mother and father are both loners. Right. It's the weirdest sort of dynamic. Well, usually if you get like, like it's using an opposite of tracks. Right.

But, you know, there's enough overlap at this common ground, but their common ground was being loners. So I come from this big family of loners. How many, how many kids? Six. Six. So you kind of had enough. It must have felt like.

Yeah, there was always enough kids to get a game going. Right. Now, you could always get three on three going or whatever. Right. Three on two if somebody wasn't there. So we just, you know, there was a four season. So we played the four sports. We played baseball in the summer.

Right. Football, mostly basketball. Hockey was expensive. Right. So we play a little bit of pond hockey when we could get out there. But like that shit, it was just like the hockey families always had like, it seemed a bunch of kids or only one kid. Right.

They could afford. They did the oldest always got the new stuff. and then just handed it down. By the time I got down to the youngest kid, it just smelt so bad. He probably got an next to 18 points of season because no one wanted to be near him. Did you ever play street hockey with that hard ball?

Oh, yeah. That was fun to take that in the back of your calf on a cold day. That's nothing compared to a puck, though. A puck is still the worst. Yeah. I played pickup hockey one time I was doing a running dates up in Canada. And, you know, I was getting smoked. I suck for America.

I forget about up in Canada. Yeah. And I just wasn't contributing anything. So this kid went to just take a wrist shot. I just wanted to do something. So I fucking blocked the shot. Went right off my toe, dude. Oh, man.

Four days. It was all red. And then, like, that night, like, my big toe was, like, a color purple that I was worried it was going to turn black. It was sort of like, it went. All my toes went from, like, the darkest purple. to like sort of my pretty pony purple. So that was fun for like a week.

I couldn't even, I couldn't feel my foot. And I was just like, that was just some fuck, you know, some guy working at a hardware store just took a wrist shot. I can't imagine. Like a real, a real guy. Yeah, like an NHL slap shot. Oh my God. Yeah, like how your foot doesn't explode.

So what were meals like, what were meals like in your house? So you're all isolated in there. It was mom cooking or was it like a crazy fend for yourself? No, my mother cooked. She did? My dad would do the stakes. My mother would, you know, was old school. She would do all the, all the cooking.

And then, and then. Irish food? As far as like dishes, we, you know, every other night was my night to do the dishes with one of my brothers. And he would dry and I would wash. Right. So what kind of food? Yeah.

It was real Midwestern meat, potatoes, no spice. Salt and pepper. Right. Salt and pepper. Bread every meal. Right. Bread and butter. No soda.

Only had soda or pop. They call it Midwest. You only had that if you went out for like pizza. Right. It's a lot of kids to feed. Yeah. It was like a scallop potatoes and ham. Right.

Ship beef on toast. Chicken a la King. Roast beef was a big dinner. Oh, boy. With the carrots and the mashed potatoes. Yeah. Was it good? Swordfish with a thousand island dressing.

Ooh, swordfish with thousand island dressing. Yeah, something like that, our Italian. I figure out Italian dressing, I think. I forget what it was. Right. So you took this healthy piece of fish and then added 4,000 calories on it. Yeah. Broiled it.

So these animals will eat it and not know it's fish. My mother has an incredible recipe for a spaghetti sauce. Oh, yeah? Yes. still have. It's a molasses-based one. Unfortunately, my wife doesn't like it as too sweet. Malasses. It's not like a savory one. Yeah, it's like where my parents grew up as a real like German, like the Midwest, like Wisconsin, Michigan, Chicago, all of Brots and all of that stuff out there. So there was a lot of that sort of stuff. Yeah, my grandfather was that way. My

my one grandfather was German and yeah any of that kind of sour broughten coleslaw you know any of the any of the any of the any of the cabbage and relishes yeah exactly yeah and just some meat it was good stuff though it was really good stuff yeah like my dad the like I like the dill pickles and we always had the bread and butter chips and I felt like I hated those. And I just felt like that was from where he grew up. Yeah. So we had a lot of, you know, pork chops. Oh, nice. It was like meat every night

with potatoes and bread. That's a lot. That's a lot. Occasionally, if we were late, we'd get, you know, we'd get fast food, McDonald's. Right. My dad would go in, he would order. And it was like six cheeseburgers,

six small fries, six chocolate shakes, two big Macs, two large fries. two large coax. And that was the order. So that took care of all the kids and the Big Mac, large fire, and Coke was them. And it was the greatest.

Oh my God, the best. Yeah. Oh, that's like a treat. Yeah. No, that was a big deal. Going to there. We went there, Wendy's, Friendlies, pewter pot.

What? Brigham's, all this East Coast stuff. Puter pot? Putter pot. It started off, I swear to God, was a chain. of stores that just made muffins. Oh.

It sounds crazy. Yeah. But you can do it with donuts. But I think because donuts is established, that doesn't sound crazy. Right. Especially here in L.A. with all the donut shops. But this was muffins. And, you know, they weren't making it.

So they gradually expanded to a sit-down restaurant where they would do burgers and, you know, that type of, you know, comfort food. Right. We would all go out. We would get like a big main course. I won't say entree now that I've been to France anymore. A main course. And then for dessert, you'd have a muffin.

They're still pushing the muffins. Well, we would still do it. So I would get like a burger with fries and like a Coke. And then I'd have a blueberry muffin for dessert. They're still hanging on to the muffin angle. Yeah. And then one time we went out to a really fancy place. And it was one of the nicest, one of the fanciest restaurants,

nicest restaurants in the country at the time. It was called Anthony's Pier 4. And it was an Italian restaurant. Somewhere it's like South Boston, the end of a pier. Right. And we went out there. Remember, my parents made us all wear suit and ties. It felt like assholes sitting there.

You know, it was the 70s. Everybody had long hair and shit. We were showing up looking like little lawyers. And we went out there and I remember steak was one of the thing and they had this amazing char on it. But it was just so far away from anything our palate had his experience. Yeah. We didn't like it.

My parents sent it back to see if they could cut the char off of it. And I still remember the look on the waiter's face of like what a bunch of rubes we were. In your fake ties. But I want to say the dude, Anthony, he came around or somebody related to him. It was like one of those restaurants. Well, you know, we had a big family. Yeah.

You know, they knew they were making a lot of money office. So you went over, you said hello. And I remember him coming over. He was this Italian guy. He had like the three-piece suit on, the shiny shoes. I thought he was cool as hell. Yeah. But, yeah, it was pretty much that.

But we didn't really delve into a lot of Boston cuisine. Like, we never went to the North End. Oh, no. Like, white people were really separate. Then. So unless you had any Italian blood in you, you didn't know about the North End. The North End was all Italian. Right. So that's where all the incredible food was as far as that went. But you wouldn't go there. There'd be no. No, we sort of identified with the Irish people because I have a little bit of Irish. I'm mostly German. Right. So I think you just had to pick a group of white people to get with back then. So we got with the Irish.

which, you know, was a fun thing as far as, you know, partying and shit, but we really missed out in the cuisine. Right. Have you ever been to Germany? Yes, a couple of times. Did you feel like you identified when you were there? Did you feel like there was a little bit of your blood popping up? Yeah, I think I felt it more when I went to Ireland and Scotland,

but I think that's because I grew up in Boston and there was shamrocks and all that. So much of that culture was there. bagpipes and parades. But when I went to Germany, what really, uh, that I, the connection I felt was their, their regimented ways. Uh-huh. And, uh, my love of machinery. Right. You know, I, I don't really have that knack. Like just, I, you know, just being into racing and aviation and the stuff that I've gotten into. Yeah. And how they're at the top of that. I mean, they've dominated F-1 since I've been watching it. Right. Mercedes-themed. you know, motorcycle racing is different.

Yeah. With Honda and stuff like that. But like I just, you know, I'm really into like, as far as Europe goes, I love Northern Europe and I also love the Mediterranean. And I always felt like if you could have that mindset and that discipline of Northern Europe with Mediterranean people's understanding of how to live and family. Yeah, yeah. Because I don't feel like, I don't feel the warmth of.

family up north. No. All right. But what I, but people feel like they're on their game. Right, exactly. And I'm talking mainland Europe. I'm not talking like England, Scotland, Ireland and that stuff. But I mean, but when you're in the Mediterranean, like, no.

I still like, during this pandemic, the amount of times that I thought about when I was in Tel Aviv and I was with Joe Bartnick and Club Sode Kenny and me and Joe Bartnick, two days in a row, sat out on the Mediterranean. and smoked real Cuban cigars. Whoa. Had a Partigus Series D and a Cohiba Rubusto. They're the two best cigars I ever had. Oh, my God.

Like, we were sitting there in silence. And, like, once every, like, 15 minutes, we just look at each other and be like, unbelievable. During the day? And just go back to it. During the day? And all these beautiful women just walking by, like, if you saw how beautiful the women are over there,

there's really no reason for to be fighting. What was the setting? Over the land, at least. Were you sitting in lounge chairs, like looking over the wall? water, like that kind of a thing? No, we was sitting on a park bench on the boardwalk, and then there was a little stone wall, and we were basically, you know, if the Mediterranean is like a cul-de-sac, we were at,

we were at the end of it. So we were looking out at the vast expanse, knowing to the left, it goes down to Africa, knowing to the way, it goes by Romania, Greece, you know, French Riviera, Italy, all of that stuff. And then the sun would go down. And you would just be watching this going, you know, how are people fighting over here? Right. All of this beauty.

But I mean, you could say that about this country. This country is breathtaking. No, I know. It all is. It all is. It all is. Exactly. It's no reason for this screaming and yelling.

This is coming from someone with the temper. Yeah. Yeah. I quit booze. in end of 2018. Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah.

I know. And it's not. It's actually good because I was telling my wife, I'm coming up on 600 days here in a few days. Whoa. Whoa. And I'm like. 600 days. Yeah.

And I'm like, all right. I'm kind of ready to come back. But then I just think it through. And I'm like, I'm coming back for the wrong reasons. I want to come back and drink because I have anxiety. And that's not a good reason to drink. No, it should be a celebration. When I think of drinking, I don't think of, ooh, what I love a nice glass of wine.

I don't. I just think, like, dude, I'm going to get a rack, a Miller highlight. And I'm going to do a shot with each one of them. And I'm going to get fucked. No. We've talked about this. This is time to shift your thinking. You've got to approach it like a gentleman.

You've got to be like, I know. I don't have one. I'm going to have one. And it's going to be at five o'clock. And it's going to be a little shift into. the night and then you're done and you don't keep plowing to the end of the night and end up ruining your next day. I don't have that skill set yet. You have to develop it. You love the finer things. You loved France when you traveled to France. Oh, can we go back to that for a second?

You said you won't say entre because you visited France. What do you mean? Because Antre is entering. That's the first course. Oh, I never knew that. Somehow Entree here became the main course. Entree in French means enter. You're entering the meal. How do we screw that up? CNN and Fox. I'm going to blame them.

I'm going to blame them for everything. They're the worst. They really are the worst. And I think it's time people just address it. You're not Americans. You're fucking whores. I know. And you're just making all this money off of this misery.

Oh, the worst. Yeah, they should be out of it. You know. The worst. Yeah. They don't fucking do anything for anybody other than just give people anxiety. And I love what, you know, I got to be careful. I love what a certain comedian did for some firefighters that, you know, those big news companies should have been doing.

One of whom bought an old firehouse and turned it into his own apartment, ironically. Right. hilarious. Yeah. Right. I know. Exactly. Yeah.

No, it's bad. Just let you know. I don't know. I'm kind of painting with a broad brush, but I'm just like, it's just all about making money. No, 100%. It's not about just giving you information. It's about manipulating you. It's about changing you, making you fearful.

So you keep tuning in and keep going back and watching more. Let's get out of this. Yeah, we're just in an eddy right now. We've got to get out of this. Let's talk about something positive. Yeah, let's get the hell out of there. How was the last bread I brought you? Oh, I'm trying to remember it.

It was gone so fast. It was delicious. Do you get annoyed by that AT&T commercial with that smarmy girl goes, is there going to be sour and are you making sourdough bread? And the girl's like, why would I be making sourdough bread?

She goes, I don't know. Because like everybody, why? I don't know. Everybody's making sourdough bread. Like, she goes, why is everybody making sourdough bread? It's like, because it was a pandemic. Fuck head.

And all the bread was gone. There was no yeast. Yeah, if we could make toilet paper, we would have been doing that too. What? Because whoever wrote that thing doesn't know how to fucking make bread. I haven't seen that commercial.

Did the bread companies write that because they were making less money because wonderful people like you were telling us how to make bread? Right, exactly. I was making, like literally making bread now is something to be made fun of for. Right. Yeah. Everybody that I know that makes bread. Yeah. Gives it out to people.

I know. It's this great thing. And somehow they're trying to make it be like this douchey thing. Oh, they're the worst. There is something weird about the giving of it. I literally, I was thinking about. the other day because I was bagging it up and just getting in my car and driving off to drop off more bread. It's like, I make one, I keep it.

You know, I do a couple times a week and I'll keep one for the family. And then the other one I bag up and I drive off to somebody's house and just drop off bread. I don't know. It's such a, it's like. It's going to be great fodder when they eulogize you someday. Right, exactly. I mean, I don't think there's anybody in this church here didn't get a, didn't get a law. of bread from this guy laid in his box right now.

He's now in the ultimate bread box. And I know he's up there somewhere making Jesus a loaf of fucking something. That's how yours is going to go. I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought of that. You got to think of that. Oh, yeah. No, absolutely. There's nothing wrong with that's your life is also a career.

So you got to think like what are people going to say? say about me. Oh, I brought some over to Marin and I dropped it off and he texted back that I totally endorse your next career. Now that comedy's over, you should just open a bakery. Yeah, he liked it, huh? Yeah. Yeah, I got a, he's a guy I miss running into. I know, I know. But then he also, he quit smoking cigars. Oh, he did? Have you quit that too? I did and then it came back. It did. It got me again.

Well, I quit in January, January 13th. Then my buddy Verzi came to town. We were at a Lakers game and they have a little cigar place where you can smoke in the Staples Center. Oh, wow. Yeah, so probably didn't need to know that, did you, Tom? No. Well, now you do. So I smoked there.

And then I didn't smoke again until May. I had two in May because I was writing some roast jokes for a buddy of mine. Right. And I just, that's like my habit thing. Like I'm writing roast jokes. Oh, really? I go on the back porch. Uh-huh.

And I used to, I'd have a couple of drinks. I'd just start saying shit, making myself laugh. And I just write them down. And I would just come up with, I did that when I had, I did a roast of David Ortiz. Oh, nice. And the roast went great. So that's like my superstition now. Wow.

I smoked two in May. And then in June was my wife's birthday. My son was born. My birthday and Father's Day. And I did Rogan's podcast. Oh, boy. So I smoked seven. Oh, my God.

The floodgates were open. This is why you have, you have, I understand why you have a problem coming back to drinking because it won't be just one. It'll be. Well, I never used to be that way. That's what I'm fascinated by is that I don't have that addictive thing. It didn't come until late in life. Why? I wonder why.

I'll tell you what happened was. I think a lot of it was I brought it into my house. I never had booze in the house. So I would never think to drink. I never had cigars. I never even smoked cigars. I didn't have them in the house. So like right now I got through all my cigars

because I got cigars for Father's Day and my birthday. So I just had, you know, I had to get through them. So I made sure I didn't get too many. So I finished those. And now I don't have any. So now we're 11 days into this month, and I'm not even thinking about it again. Right, but it's in the house. It's literally whispering to you. No, no, I don't have any in the house. No, I'm saying if it was in the house.

Yes. It's like, hey. I'm like a guy, if there's a box of cookies there, I'm going to eat them. If they're not there, I don't have that addictive thing. We're like, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to steal it from my grandmother and go out and go get some. Right. No. But like, I have like, you know. And all I have to do is go like, you know, like, you know, like, like, you know, like, like six to ten days. And if it's not in the house, I don't think about it. Because I have a bunch of high-end booze

that I bought over the years, like Pappy Van Winkles and shit like that. And I walked by it every day. And last night was the first night, I actually looked at it. And thought about it. Yeah. And I was like,

that don't want to do that. Yeah. Don't want to do that. I'm the same way. It's an interesting thing. If it's in the house, if I know it's around. And I do the shopping.

Like, I usually pick up the food. And I'm like, I'll find me. I'll be like, I shouldn't be eating like Doritos. That shouldn't be something that should be. And I'm literally, as I'm saying, don't do it. I'm putting it in the cart.

It's like two people in the one head. Putting it in the car, bringing it home. And now I've set up a challenge for myself. Who else is going to eat these? It's going to be, it's now just putting off how much, how long until I eat it. I brought it into the house in the first place. Yeah. No, it's a, it's something you have to kind of, I kind of learned as I got older

that you have to be your own parent. And that's the thing that they don't prepare you for. Like when you go off to college or you finally move out, it's like, I remember the first night when I moved to New York City because I was a commuter. I lived home right through college. So when I moved down to New York,

my, you know, mid to late 20s, I mean, I was living at home right up until I was 27. I was a fucking loser. Whoa. But I was, but I was seven. Yeah, I moved in 1995. I was 27 when I came to. down the city, but I paid off all my student loans, paid off all my debt, and saved up a nest egg,

and then went down. I started to stand up late, too. That was the thing. And I kept wanting to move out, but this chick at Nick's comedy stop, Rita said, don't move out. You got your whole life to pay rent and mortgage. I wish I moved out. So I was just like, all right, I'm going to pay down all of my shit. So that's what I did. And I remember when I first moved to New York and I was hanging out at the comic strip, you know, and Lucian was like, I already have an old boy, guy. And I remember thinking like, wow, I can like stay out all night if I want to. I don't have to answer to anybody. Like I learned that at 27.

Right. And I just think gradually, you know, the road got to me some bad habits drinking and smoking and shit. Right. And then I compiled that with, I remember another thing, DeRosa was renting my apartment in New York. Yeah. And he had booze in the house. And it'd be cool. I'd come over.

We'd have a couple of belts. We'd be laughing. Oh, you know what used to do? We used to watch Netflix when they first became streaming. And anybody with a pulse could get a special on there. And there was some terrible specials. And we would get drunk and we would watch them. Oh, my God.

And it would just be the most obscure comics. I can't even remember their names and some of them would end up being really good but you could tell that they were like a niche market like there was just New Orleans like legendary comic we love the beast I can't remember his name is white dude Cajun accent and shit

just murdered well like who the fuck is this guy and it was like what I like how wrestling used to be territories like how I never saw Rick Flair wrestle when I was a kid because it was still territories with the WWF up on the East Coast and it wasn't until YouTube that I got to see all his great promos.

So yeah, and anyways, I'm getting off the track here. So then I went out and I got a, I got a, a bottle of whiskey and I brought it home. Remember, I felt me, it made me feel like a man. That's right. And I had whiskey. Taking it out of the paper bag. Yeah, which should have made me feel like an alky, but it didn't. And then I think what ended up happening was because I go on the road, you know, I do my

shows had a couple belts afterwards then i came home and then it was there and then i didn't sort of detox right but then i had i some level of a of a habit addiction whatever you want to call but i just think out of out of uh it's almost like routine it's like if i don't eat sugar if i look at desserts that that i look like why the fuck would you ever eat that yeah no if i just had a cookie i want to snort a fucking cake. Yeah. I know. And look,

I always talk about it like I'm always big about giving advice and then doing the direct opposite. But I do believe that if you can be your own parent and be like, shake up one martini and then just have that one at five o'clock and then you're good for the night, that would be great. And I try to do that. But then in the middle of that one, you're like, ooh, the next one's going to be really good. This one's so good.

It just goes by so fast. So fast. It goes by so. It's like eating your favorite food. You ever eat it so fast the person you're with is only halfway through and you're jealous of them? I know. And like your caveman DNA starts coming up. Like what if I just grab this pepper thing and just smash them over the head and take it like 2001?

Have you ever eaten pizza with Colin, with Colin Quinn? No. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Because he'll, like, recruit you. If you're at the cellar, he'll, like, recruit you. Like, he's looking for an enabler. He's like, come with me to Joe's.

And the same thing. It's like, you're just about to take a bite and he's wiping his mouth. He's, we bowed out through two slices immediately. It's like, and he has that real addictive personality of just womph, wamp. Yeah, I remember a long time ago, another comic with that same thing. I made him a soft cook egg, which is basically, it's like a poached egg, but my mother had this little machine and she gave it to me, gave me one.

And, you know, it's kind of a bitch. But once you get the timer down right perfectly, it's the greatest thing ever. And then you make a slice of toast, put a lot of butter on it, and then you break it up, and then you put, then you drop the egg in there, you mix it all up, and then you put some nice sea salt on top and a little bit of pepper, and it's delicious. Oh, man. Dude, I gave it to him.

He took one bite. And then one just went, it was like watching a prisoner eat. And I was just looking at him. I was like, dude, I can make you another one. And then he just sort of like looked up. And he's like, dude, I'm sorry. And I was just like, wow, I get why this guy can't drink.

Because, dude, he, he, it sounded like St. Bernard would have ate it quieter and slower. You literally feel their. energy. It's like a rush. It's like a, it's like a like an ocean wave of just, of desire. It's like that movie ghost when she would feel him sit, like sit in her body. It's the same thing. You're just sitting across and watching him devour something. But thank God I don't have that because I have a lot of respect for addicts that are able to overcome that because I don't think I don't think I would have. Yeah. I'd like to think that I would, but that's, you know, we've obviously, you and I have both seen some pretty smart people succumb to addiction.

So that's really a, you know, that's why I'm trying not. I don't want to get back into it too because, you know, we've had some cookouts here, just like family things. And I got this, this flat top. You got to get a flat top, dude. What's that? It's literally like, you know, when you're at like a diner and they got a bunch of pancakes and eggs and hash browns going. It's one of those, but it's portable. Like, I bring it to the Rose Bowl every year.

It's got a little, you know, gas thing with it, right? Right. And, you know, I was, I was, you know, cooking up burgers and dogs for Fourth of July. And I remember, you know, looking at my wife and my kids and just thinking, like, you know, if I was drinking, I would be at least two beers in. And my wife would start looking at me being like, you having another one? You know? And then in my buzzed brain, I'm like, you don't tell me what? to do.

I'm going to have more. My funny bone money that pay it for these burgers, you know, I get in that dumb mode. I kind of find with drinking one, the way for me to be able to do it is then I need a large water after it, a nice ice water. And when I get halfway through that, as my buzz is going down,

I become rational again. That's right. Yeah. But it's just like if I don't. Putting water on a fire. Yeah. But if I don't, then like the, you know, the Mr. Hyde starts going in another one. I have another one.

So it got to the end, dude. I was drinking like a, you know, I was like a glass this high. Like I just fill it with whiskey. I mean, whiskey, by the way, I know it's become trendy bourbons and whiskeys and scotch. That is strong, strong stuff. That is not a wine and beer. And I was crushing. That is.

All I needed was one ice cube. And I was getting to the point. That's a lot. lot. It's annoying me. Jeez. Yeah. Because I wanted, I wanted to feel the bite. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. No, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, what do you. That's, buddy. I'm, I'm, like 595 days right now. Wow.

On July 16th will be 600 days and that's good. So I'm like, well, now I got to go two years. Yeah. So what do you like to see what that? What do you like with a cigar then? Uh, an orange. Fanta or a root beer. Well, it actually makes sense in a way where I used to do a cigar with the, with a like a real peaty scotch. This guy finally said to me when I was in Calgary. Yeah.

He goes, it's redundant. It's smoking smoke. Because he was drinking, he was drinking an alcohol, but it was really sweet. And it kind of made sense to me. So, and I just kept thinking of that movie Big. night, when the woman orders, she orders some pasta with a side order of mashed potatoes, and the guy won't do it. He's like, it's a starch and a starch.

I'm not doing it. It's furious. Curious, like literally won't do it. Which I think is why Italians, I don't know enough about Japanese people, because in my world, the people that do it the best, as far as food, Italians and Japanese, I love, you know, Italian food. I mean, don't even need to describe it.

But, and then there's a, there's a, cleanness and purity to Japanese food that is just unbelievable to me. Unbelievable. I'm with you.

Yeah. Yeah. So, wait, what's this, what's this, it's a thing that, like I would throw on top of my grill,

just to, like, be able to, like, have, like, a fryer. Is that what it? No, I'll take a picture of it. It's just,

it's just called a flat top grill. And there's, like, four burners. And he got, like, the looico, the little, Propane.

Okay. Turn that on. It's self-lights. Right, right. The thing is light as hell. Yeah, yeah. Like, we take it to the Rose Bowl. We turn that thing on and we're making egg sandwiches and hash browns.

And then later on, you know, we're making our burgers and our dogs and stuff. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's great. And you make it, oh, you can make cheese steaks. Anything you want to make anything that's, like, not healthy and really delicious. Yeah, yeah. It's so interesting, Bill, that you talk about how, like, you kind of grew up in the Swiss family Robinson thing, and it was, you know, a ton of kids and just cranking through meat and potatoes and stuff. But you do live your life in a way that is very ceremonial.

You do like big traditions. You love family. You love these celebrations. It's like you don't just, like, you do the Rose Bowl all the time. You come to my Christmas Eve all the time. There's like, you do have this very family family. We did have that. Like we had we had a lot of traditions in my house.

It was just, but it was just us. Right. So if we could have done it over again, it probably, I would have liked if people were more social, but I think if we were more social, I wouldn't be talking to you right now as a comedian. Like I literally, you know.

Why? Because I would have gone a different road in life, I think. Oh, because they would have satisfied the part of you that. Because I would have said hello to the girls that I liked. I wouldn't have been beaten down. I would have understood. and I would have fell in love with one of them and married him, and I just would have been there.

Right, right. And I would be sitting there, you know. Happy. Here we go, bro. And there we, I would have just been a mackhole. And I'm going to tell you, there are a lot of days, other than the fact that I love my wife and my kids, I wouldn't want to do that.

But there are a lot of days that I wish what I have with my family, I could just bring back to Boston and leave this business. Like, I find the lying and stealing in business. exhausting, but I just take comfort in the fact knowing that that exists in all business. Yes. It's like the level of stealing in business and you don't go to jail and they use that thing that, you know, all black comics have always said, you know, but if you steal a purse, you know, they send you to jail. But as, you know, white collar crime. Yeah.

They don't send you to jail. Yeah. Or at least you go to like a fucking racquetball fuck. Just the level of unapologetic accepted stealing. Yeah. It's brutal. There's no shame. Like when you, like, when you, audit them and you catch them. Yeah. There was, oh, that's, that's those, that's those cooks down in the county. We're on the happy, we're on the honest side of the building. We like you. Yeah. So.

Yeah, no, it totally exists. But I have the same thing. I have these fantasies, you know, after growing up in New Jersey, that same thing of like, because you have some friends and stuff who are still living in those places and doing this, you know, a little bit of a smaller life, a little bit more of a, it's appealing. There's an appealing thing to just getting ready for the giants. I know that, but I know that I would go nuts and I would miss all of you guys. And there's a reason that I ended up out here. Yeah, I would be drunk.

I'd be drunk or high all the time. Like whenever I picture like living in like, oh, this little, I could live in Montana. That would be good. I would have a drug or alcohol problem. Because you can't turn your brain off. You can't turn your brain off. Yeah, I would have a major sobriety problem if I would. was,

uh, I lived like I, you know, when I go to beautiful states, Wyoming, Montana and the Dakotas and all that place, you really just look and being like, these people got it figured out out here.

Yeah. Like this is, this is gorgeous. And, um, you know, I like riding motorcycles. It seems a lot safer out here.

But I know that, you know, there's a skill set that I have that I just, I don't have where I couldn't live in those. There's a mental skill set. And then there's also like, you know, You got to own a gun if you live out there.

It's have to. Right. It's going to take the cops like 20 minutes just to get up your fucking driveway. Whatever was going to happen already happened. So you got to be, you forget about being your own parent. You have to be your own cop when you're out there. Right, exactly. Your own mayor and your own police force.

Yeah. So, you know, I would do that. I would get good with guns and I would learn how to start a fire. Yeah. Without a match. I would learn out of hunt. I do all that Rogan stuff. And then, uh,

no, you're better off where you are. You're better off. How is the family? How is the boy? How's the new edition? Oh, he's awesome.

He's like, now he's like a little over a month old. So now he's like, he's sort of a little person now, even though he was still carrying him around and stuff. But like, you know, he's like hearing noises and looking around.

Thank God. You know, all those things you look for. And yeah, yeah, he's really chill. You know, the other night,

dude, he went to bed and, around, uh, went to bed, you know, like seven, woke up at 10 and then slept till 4.30.

Whoa. Oh. Yeah. The relief. A month in. The relief of that. Yeah. And I'm telling you,

all you new parents out there, don't listen to other parents scaring the shit out of you. Because my daughter was easy. Yeah. And everybody was telling me, oh, you know what that means.

Your next one's going to be a nightmare. All these old wives tales that never have happy endings. No, it's just miserable. I'm miserable. I'm miserable. Yeah.

I say how much I love my daughter. and like how we're best friends, we get along great. And they go, oh, you know, that means you and your next? Yeah, they're going to be like this. No. Like, why can't it mean that maybe I'm a good dad? Yeah. You know, maybe my wife's really good at what she does and we have cool, respectful kids.

Can it possibly mean we're better than you are? I always just go like, you sound like you don't like being a parent. Oh, no, no, just watching them back pedal. Oh, man. Well, thanks for doing this, Bill. I really appreciate. it. No worries.

Yeah, really great. Thanks to have. We really look forward to it all week because I was like, I get to check in with Bill. We don't get to see each other at the clubs and stuff. I know. I'm not smoking a cigar this month. Probably not next month either, but I'm like.

I always hit you on those months, by the way. I'm always. Listen, dude, if you want to smoke one, I'm easy. I'll do it. This is the thing. I just need one and I just don't bring one home. Right, right. All right.

I'll have you come to my place. What are you smoking? We'll social distance. Cohiba, but I'm plowing through. I don't have many left. Okay. I like the La Aurorais. Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah. Really? I've never had. La Aurora, Sapphire in the afternoon. Ooh, I haven't had that. I have an emerald at night or a sapphire in the afternoon. Ooh. I'll tell you what's the greatest.

I do this with Josh Adam Myers before this pandemic. You have one of those and afterwards you have a root beer float. Makes no sense, but it is fucking awesome. We always sit there when we would do it, right? We'd be sitting there smoking and when we were done, then we would have a root beer float. I think we would have the root beer float first. Then we let up a cigar and just be like,

who's enjoying life more than us right now? He'd be like, nobody. Nobody is, dude, nobody. That's the best. All right, buddy. Good hanging with you. Yeah, great hang on to at some point, too. I want you to teach me how to make a mother so I can start making bread.

Oh, I'll definitely do it. Whatever you want. Whatever you want. Kelsey Ferretti just dropped off some bread. It was delicious. Yeah, she had all of like the tie things in it, whatever you call that, you know? Oh, like a hollow bread? A hollow bread.

Yeah. Yes. She brought over braided bread and it was delicious. And it was the best nine pounds I gained in a week in a long time. Awesome. All right, dude. Thanks for having me. Take care of yourself.

Don't watch CNN and Fox. Stay off. We're all Americans. Let's start pulling in the same direction. Let's go. We can do it. 20201. Victory.

All right. We'll see you. All right, thanks, Tom. See you, man. Lazang surgelley, puissance-moil, we're playing. We're like to enjoy?

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