Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 109 - Kira Soltanovich #4

Episode Date: June 14, 2022

Welcome back Kira Soltanovich but don't wake her up early!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Insurance isn't one-size-fits-all, and shopping for it shouldn't feel like squeezing into something that just doesn't fit. That's why drivers have enjoyed progressives' name-your-price tool for years. With the name-your-price tool, you tell them what you want to pay, and they show you options that fit your budget. Enough hunting for discounts, trying to calculate rates, and tinkering with coverages. Maybe you're picking out your very first policy. Or maybe you're just looking for something that works better for you and your family. Either way, they make it simple to see your options. No guesswork, no surprises.

Ready to see how easy and fun shopping for car insurance can be? Visit progressive.com and give the name your price tool a try. Take the stress out of shopping and find coverage that fits your life on your terms. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. It's time for breaking bread with Papa. Hey! Don't you know?

It's how we go. Hey, it's time for Breaking Bread with Papa. Hey, don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Hey, everybody, welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. I am Tom Papa. Thank you so much for joining us today. We have a great show for you with the great Kira Soltanovitch.

Coming on as the most requested return guest, Kira Sultanovich. I love her so much. She's so damn funny. She's a little mad at me because I skipped her Memorial Day barbecue, but I, you know, I have a family, and they don't let me do a lot of things, but she'll get over it. I love her so much. We did a great show most recently in Las Vegas together, and I can't wait for you to hang and listen with Kira and I.

I'd like to thank the good people at BetterHelp. Better Help is customized online therapy. offers videos, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash papa. That's BetterHelphelp.com for 10% off. I right now am in New York City where I am running around on tour.

I just had a great run through Phoenix and West Virginia and Detroit at the Andeamo Showroom. And we keep rolling along. We've got a bunch of shows coming up. We've got a great one with me and Ryan Hamilton. Ryan Hamilton and I will be performing in San Diego on July 1st, the first time that We are doing a co-headlining show together. Very excited about that one. Also, July 16th, I will be in Atlantic City, returning to the Borgata for a fun summertime

show. That's going to be a really good one. And I'm also doing a bunch of clubs throughout the summer as I'm going to be recording, taping my next Netflix special in September up in Seattle at the, I guess I could say it. Neptune Theater. Tickets are going to go on sale for that very soon. Go to all my social media and my Tompapa.com and I will let you know when all of those are released.

But doing all of the clubs going to Wise Guys in Salt Lake City, going to Brea, Improv, going to Hawaii, doing first shows at a club in Hawaii in the beginning of September. So we have a lot of shows coming up. The set is really fun and really in good shape, but we'll just be making it better and better throughout the summer, which will be a lot of fun. And right now, as I said, I'm in New York, where I'm just doing live, Come to Papa,

recording for Sirius XM, tonight, actually tomorrow night, and that's going to be a fun show. But I have this rare moment where I stopped doing my stand-up, got off the road for a beat, and just have a, I mean, a day off for me is not really a day off. A day off, I still have morning radio, I still have my podcast, I still go and do a quick spot at the cellar. But that's as close to a day off as I get. So I'm feeling, feeling really good about it. And last night, got to go to Del Frisco's Steakhouse with all of the pals from the comedy seller with Colin Quinn

and Mateo Lane and Ryan Hamilton and all the gang from the comedy seller. And, and, and, And Keith Robinson, great time. We don't get to do it all that often, maybe a couple times a year. So it really is special to just go into a big steakhouse. I like soaking up the whole thing. Get dressed, put on a nice jacket. I mean, this is it, right? These moments, when you get to act like a grown-up and do grown-up things,

I want to embrace them all the way. I don't want to just roll in and just kind of half-ass it. This is it. This is the time of your life to go and do these things. You're not a 13-year-old kid rolling into a steakhouse with a credit card in your pocket and ordering martinis and having a big 14-ounce steak. It just isn't going to happen. Some of these pursuits, some of these culinary things, are built for adults only.

Hot dogs, we're all in. Steakhouse, grown-up time. And I had a great, great time. The steak was great. And it wasn't really my credit card. Our good friend, Noam, always pays because he runs the comedy seller and has more money than all of us.

He's so generous. All right, kids, let's get to it. Let's get to Kira Soltonovich. Chira is a comedy force. I just love her so much. She's so funny when we're on tour together. She is one of those comedians who will just get the audience going on her side immediately just as soon as she walks out. She's just confident and funny and great.

And you know her because she's been on this podcast before. And we get to talk about all things. that we've done on tour and all the great crazy things that we eat. And she's just the best. She's one of my favorite people. So enjoy this conversation with the very funny Kira Soltanovich. This is a big deal, you know. Yeah.

You have just taken the lead with three appearances on Breaking Bread. Four? What? Four. Four. What do I win? Did you know it was four? I thought it was three.

Wow, this is exciting. Well, you are the favorite. You are the most favorite, not just with myself, but with our listeners and Aaron, and it's the truth. Is that why you bust out there? We get a little complaints that you look a little green, but everybody loves you. And thank you for doing this. I brought you some things for your children. And as I bought them, I was like, I wonder if she'll let her children eat these.

No. These are just beautiful little Italian things. these are little pepies pezzellie and is this really for me? Yeah, these are for you. For your children really. You left the price on it as well. Well.

419. It's a, it's a thought that counts. It is. No trans fat. You know, it's funny because the price was on this one. Yeah. On these little chocolate cookies.

Yeah. Waifer rolls with hazelnut cocoa cream filling. Yeah. And I was like, I'll just take it. It was the price tag was coming off. So I just took it off. And I was like, you don't have to take it.

the price tag off of something like this. And then the first thing you do is mention the price. Because you should. So, you know, I'm an L.A. parent. Yes. So, I mean, this is very sweet and thank you. And I will give this to a neighbor. But I, as an L.A. parent, your kid has to have minimum. Again, I didn't make the laws or the rules.

This is legislated, you know, three to four different food, you know, allergies or dietary restrictions. I don't know if you are not familiar. with this. But legally, you have to, like, your kid has to either be a vegetarian who is soy-free and also gluten-free or allergic to sesame, peanuts, and no food coloring. Like, there's... And where to your kids? Gluten free. Come on. What? I want them to fit in in L.A. Can you imagine if they just walked into any school cafeteria and said, I can eat everything on this menu? I'm not letting you take these and give them to them to.

a neighbor. No, I'm going to... I'm going to give them to Aaron. No. Yeah. No. These are for your children. And they can't even eat the bread. They can't eat the bread. So if you wanted to get something for my children, you would have gotten a non-GMO organic, something artisanal, like, you know, farm to table. So what is it like raising children with no joy? I've noticed that when you suppress joy, they're just easier to manage. You know, it's like a munchausen for food. So what do you use as a bribe when you want them to do something? Listen, they have so many amazing gluten-free, soy-free, shellfish-free peanut-free donut holes. Oh. They're delicious. They're so good. You would never know the difference. I make a rule to eat things that can't be described as you

would never know this is vegan. You would never know this is vegan. You would never know this is no sugar. At least we're not vegan though. Thank God because those people, you just need another group. You just need another group to the gluten people could be more annoying than the vegan people. At least the vegan people are, you know, have moral superiority over you. That's true. And that's it. So they're better people, but we're better at blending in. Right. Because my kids do eat pizza. It's made out of potato flour. Oh, what happens if your children take this bread and eat it? Their anuses will prolapse. Oh, my God. No, no, they have, we talked about this, leaky gut. Oh, God. It sounds awful.

It really sounds like an old radiator from the 20s. Leaky gut should be, if kids were able to create punk rock bands today, which I don't think it's even in the culture anymore. Leaky gut would be a good band name. For sure. We're going to see Leaky Gut tonight. We're going to go see Leaky Gut and then Soy Boy is opening for them. You can't give boys soy.

You can't. Because it makes them into women. Well? It takes their testosterone away. It doesn't take it away. It just adds estrogen. Ew. Well?

Leaky. That's what I'm saying. So read the back of your Pizzellies. Can I take testosterone supposoling? supplements? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Does your husband? I don't think so, but I think it's easy. A testosterone supplement is just three Joe Rogan podcasts a week. Joe was going to give me his testosterone guy. I'm sure he has. Yeah. But why do you need it? I don't think you do. You know, it's kind of like the thing with like, with Viagra and those kind of things. Yeah. You don't really need it. But once you take it, you're like,

oh maybe I need it yeah you know what I mean like I get it like I feel good I've got good energy but yeah I don't really remember the energy I had when I was 25 different different for sure so I would like to and testosterone I get that puts that back in you do lose it as you get older you do um here's a fun fact that I learned men have the highest level of testosterone in their day in the morning uh huh hence the morning situation that sometimes you might have. And I did read that like they'll be more peppy and more like my husband sings in the morning. He does. And I am angry in the morning. Yeah. I'm angry because it's morning. Right. I'm angry because a child has woken me up. And because he's singing. And because he's singing. He taps his feet. I cannot tell you how much it drives me crazy. He's sitting.

We're having breakfast and he's tapping his feet like to his own little. And I go, What are you so chipper about? Because in the morning, I'm very like, nobody talked to me. Yeah. Everybody shush. Everybody shush. I'm the same way. I like the, if I have to go out and do something in the morning, I can turn it on.

Sure. But the first walk into the bathroom. Yeah. And my wife is up a little before me because she's going off to work. And I'll come in and she'll be like, good morning. How's it going? I'm like, Yeah, I can't have loud sounds.

Who are these people that have, I mean, I will say good morning in a, like, cheery way. Give me your good morning. Good morning. How'd you sleep? But not this whole, like, bang, bang, bang, bang. Like, I don't need. How many tambourines do you have on your body right now? Why is there so much, cling, cling, cling, cling, so much noise.

When I was younger, filled with testosterone, I think I woke up a little more chipper. Yeah, yeah. And I remember there was a Dick Van Dyke, like in the, I think it was part of like a montage or maybe it was just an episode of him. Anyway, he gets up out of bed and is doing jumping jacks in his pajamas at the foot of the bed. And my brother-in-law was like, I picture that's how you wake up in the morning. And it was true at the time, but it would not be true today.

Yeah. Maybe you need some tea. Maybe I need some testosterone. What is it? What is it? What is it? I don't know. I think you get shots. Oh. I think. I'm not really sure. It's probably in your butt. Then I'm definitely getting it. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, uh, I could use a little more. I don't know. The thing is when you go for a physical, they say that your testosterone is, um, correct. It's the right amount. Right. Because they're taking your age. Right. And they're like, oh, you're here. Nice and low. where you're supposed to be. Right, exactly. Slowly fading away. Yeah. All the doctor's charts are so jacked up.

I was a geriatric pregnancy. And they treated me like, you know what I mean? Like I need a walker. And they were sitting there like, oh, we have a geriatric pregnant lady. I'm on the road traveling. I was in South Africa pregnant. Right. And they were, every time I go into the office, they're like, make a seat, make a space.

Let her sit. feet up. Well, can we get you a baby aspirin? But you are much more healthy and stronger than other women your age. Sure. And they're taking it like across the country, maybe the globe. I have no idea. But, and they're also probably putting in like, well, most, you know, if, let's be honest, we have 16 year olds that are pregnant. So we're going to throw that clump that in. Right. That's nuts. Yeah. In L.A., if you're at 38, that should be a normal. age for pregnancy. That is like, oh, you're starting to get good.

You're waiting, you know, you're still nice and young. You waited until you're for your acting career to be fading. 38 in Scratch Your Armpit, Arkansas is. Yes. They are like, oh, so your grandkids will be able to babysit. What? I know. So we work together in Las Vegas this weekend.

We did an amazing show at the encore theater at the win. So great. So beautiful there. You, when we left each other at the end of the night, you were going to get picked up at six in the morning. Yes. To go to a kid's birthday party. How did you do? Did you see my Instagram by any chance that day?

No. I posted, or no, it was on Twitter. I posted on Twitter. I'm at a birthday party. And we're the only guests here. No. Yes. Oh, I know.

The poor kid. So the party started at noon, and I got there at 1205. So I'll tell you why. I don't like them. People come strolling in an hour late. Right. I don't like that. I have.

I don't either. I planned this. The food is planned to be warm. Right. Maybe there's a juggler. Yeah, we don't know, right? So this is what, and usually I tell people, hey, hey, we have a thing coming. So if you're going to be late, your kid's going to miss it.

And you're the dude. back. But that was not, I guess, expressed to the other parents. And one of the saddest things is a bounce house with two pairs of shoes in front of it. The birthday girls and my daughters. And they were just in there by themselves. Then two hours in, people showed up. Two hours in? Yeah. How do you like that? And they were just at home. They weren't in Vegas the night before. They were, yeah, I came home early so that I could, you know, we could get, I know, I was even saying, like, take the nine. You're like, yeah, things at 12. No, I wanted to be there.

How were you? Were you strong getting up? Were you okay? I was strong. That's, can I tell you how many times I have been in crappy hotel rooms, too many to count. Oh, yeah. Or I've had to spend days there and just, you know. Listening through the walls.

Yes. And then you get this like Versailles. I, Alice, and I, you know, check in. And I'm checking out like five hours later. It's just like, it's happened to me so many times. It was this one gig I did in Napa where, and I brought two other comics with me where they were like, this might be one of the nicest place I've ever stayed in my life. It was beautiful. And it was so cozy. And we all had to get up the next day, super early. the dark you're leaving yes to get back to LA all three of us don't you can't enjoy why what is it why is there a natural barrier that stops us from spending an extra day in these beautiful beautiful

places why why can't we because we all want to we everybody says I'm going to take an extra day in San Diego and really appreciate this whatever and no one ever does. Okay. I'm going to test you as a human being right now. Okay. When you go to these beautiful, beautiful places, you go to more than I do now. All of all. Yes.

All right. But is your first instinct, oh, I should have brought the family. No. Okay. But keep going. Okay, but you're honest. So sometimes I do feel like, oh. Well, not the family.

but I will. Maybe your wife. Definitely my wife. Yeah. You get in a beautiful place and this gorgeous bed and you're like, I shouldn't be alone in here. And like some crazy tub with like a hundred Bellagio jets. And then the robe is like someone's, you know, touching you inappropriately through this brushed cotton. And everything is just, oh.

And you're by yourself. And you're by yourself. It's weird. It does feel a little bit like, I always think I should, my wife should be here. Yeah. But then you can't. bring them on the road? Well, they have their own lives.

Yeah, they, if they, they have to stay and watch the children. So that they, she's to stay and stop the children from coming. That's right. Because then they would ruin it. I have many times had amazing hotel rooms. What's that beautiful place in Orange County, the monarch? The montage. What is, yeah, it's the one.

On the ocean? Yes. The montage. The montage. I did a gig there. Yeah. Like an idiot. I brought my whole family. Oh.

These kids effed it up so badly. We left early. No. Yeah. Yeah. It's one of the nicest hotels in the world. Yeah. And the show was fantastic.

So we came in on a Friday. I did the show Friday night and we were going to stay Saturday and leave Sunday. And they were giving me the room. And what? And we left Saturday. Oh, why? Because they're douchebags. And I told them so many times.

Oh. I said, we are going to be respectful in here. And they just furniture upside down. I mean, it's like, it's animal house. Everywhere I take these kids, it's animal house. And you left? So you obviously threatened them at one point. Like, we will leave.

We will leave. And you have to follow through. And then you did. Yeah. Oh. I know. When they're, at what age were they? I know.

Looking back, it was kind of a dick move on my part. Well, no, because they were young. It was just pre-COVID, like right before COVID, so 2019. Oh, so not that young. No, very young. My six-year-old was three. It was three. Okay.

Because there is this thing when I look back and I look back on moments when I got really mad at them and had to discipline them for whatever. Yeah. And in the moment, it seems like you're dealing with someone who is kind of an adult. Of sound mind. Sound mind and body. Like I remember when you bring up the hotel thing, I remember this one trip

and we brought them in this gorgeous, gorgeous hotel. And we ordered room service for breakfast, which is, you know, 10 times what you would spend for breakfast anywhere else. But it is special. It is nice. And they brought off this food and this man comes and sets up this tray. And no one would eat anything because it had a speck of pepper on it

or the egg wasn't done the right way or the oatmeal wasn't the, way that mom makes it and just one of those things which kids always do and they wouldn't eat it and I remember being so mad and I'm like I never I didn't even get room service as a child and this is how you're going to act okay and I and I was petulant and and boorish and I know treating them like adults and I look back at pictures of that trip and they were two inches tall They were so little. It's ridiculous.

But in the moment, you're like, they get it. They don't. They don't. And we're just putting that on them? So was I wrong? Were you wrong? We are not wrong. Here's what we need in that moment.

We need a spouse or someone else to kind of come in a little bit and just kind of take me or you. And just be like, hold on. second letter. Because instead, so my kids were bouncing on the beds. Fine, I get it. They were jumping from this bed to that bed. And it was a huge room. It wasn't like a, you know what? It wasn't like a holiday and express where the two beds are right. They were like one over here and one over here. And a couch and they were playing, don't touch the sand and the lava and climbing. And all I saw was dollar signs. Chiching, I'll be charged for this. I'll be charged. So we kept saying, you know, you can't do that. You can't. But. But.

But the expectation, the problem is, we put expectations on kids that are just so unrealistic. So what I needed in that moment, or Mike or I, like my husband and I, one of us to be like, these are unrealistic expectations and kind of, you need to snap out of it. Yeah. But when both parents are like, yeah, we're right and they're wrong. That's it. That's it. Yeah.

That is a common parenting thing when one of them, one of the parents. reacts quickly. Yes. With anger at anything, at any level, at any age, and brings the other one on board with them. Like, I'll follow my wife into battle real quick. And then all of a sudden be like, and then the kids will be like, what's the big deal? Yeah. X and X and Y.

And you're like, oh, yeah. Maybe we went to 60 miles an hour a little too quick there. We should have just taken a beat and seen. The problem normally is when they're little is not that they're misbehaving in a restaurant. It's not that they're being shitty in a nice hotel. It's that you brought them to a restaurant. That's exactly it. You know that joke I do about positive parenting?

That's real. I am taking those classes and this is what they teach you. First of all, I hate them because they say it's the parents' fault. Everything's the parent's fault. They blame the parent for everything. But that's exactly it. Yeah. So if you're running late and you're like,

come on guys we've got to get our stuff put on your shoes you know grab your jacket that's your problem it's not the kids problem right but that's so unrealistic at the same time I don't know what kind of people we're going to be raising well that's the other part of it is that you hear and watch you you hear about stories about people that achieve things at very young ages

and there's nothing better than when an adult talks to a child as an adult and shows them the respect because it draws them out. It draws this human being out. To treat them like morons that can't do anything isn't right either. Imagine you don't speak Mandarin, right? Not anymore. I take you and I drop you to this little itty-bitty village where everyone speaks Mandarin. And they're screaming at you.

why don't you understand our culture and what's happening? Don't you know it's time to sit down at the dinner table and have a meal? And you're just like, I don't know what's going on. And it's you as an adult. And they don't speak any English. And they're just losing their mind. And you get behind a wheel and you're like, well, I know how to drive. And they are shouting in your face.

And then you just start crying and laying on the floor. That's exactly what it is. That's exactly what. what it is. Yeah. We are screaming at them in Mandarin. Yeah. And they have no idea what's happening.

And the problem is, as the adult, you want to still do things. You want to go to the restaurants. You want to go to the nice hotel. Don't. You really should just give up. Just don't. I remember when we first had our kids, I guess it was the first one. And I realized, oh, I can't sit in the morning.

with coffee and read the newspaper. When did you have her in the 70s? A newspaper. Like I love that ritual in New York of like you go out, you get, pick up the coffee at the corner, grab the newspaper, come in and just have that. And I was just, you know, becoming a grownup and I was doing that. And I, soon as she was born, it was like, oh, your life changes so much that you can't even read an article while having coffee because she's up and we're off to the races. And I

realize, oh, this is the greatest thing I could probably do is give in to all of it and just realize that my life is over and just do their life because it's fighting it. Yeah. It's the resistance that makes you frustrated where you know, look, you can't turn everything into a bouncy house, but you really have to just kind of go with the flow a little bit more and realize that phase is over and I'm just going to be the guy who's, you know, cleaning sippy cups and taking the diaper pail out. How many times have you said to your kids, you're not my employee? Never. What?

They wouldn't understand that word. But now they would. Now they would. I say it to my kids all the time. I was like, did I fill out a W-2 with you? they don't understand that part. I will say, I'm like, excuse me, are you paying me as a loan out right now? Because I say it all the time, especially to my six-year-old, because she is just like, where's my laundry? I am not on your payroll. I mean, it's unbelievable. And so then you teach them

really nicely and patiently. Here's how to do laundry. So now my 11-year-old, but he does it like, you know, like he's living in the dorms. Right. He just, you know, literally like a Brady Bunch episode. He pours the whole thing in, but we'll start coming out of the washing machine. That my kids got a pass on a lot of chores because they weren't good at them. No, you got to make them good at them. I know, but I didn't have the patient.

So I was just like, F it, I'll do it. Can we talk about your daughter's birthday party? I want to know how many people. sex in your bathrooms. It's tough to say. You lost count. Well, first for our listeners, let's be clear. It was a 17-year-old.

It was a junior high school party. Yeah. You were a junior in high school, right? I'm saying for their listeners, it would be weird to say how many people had sex there if they're thinking of a party that you went to at the bouncy castle. And one person showed up. Yeah. Okay, so yes, it's a 17-year-old's birthday party.

It was going to be a full-on old-school house party, a rager. Yeah. I was very nervous. I know I was nervous for you. I was really nervous. We live in Los Angeles, and she came to me and said, all the parties that we go to, you might want to consider security. I was like, what?

What's going to happen? Valet. You know, it's L.A. Right. Exactly. That's what I was thinking. At first I was like, oh, gross. Why would we, that's just a L.A. you know, poser thing. And she's like, no, because people on Snapchat, they look at the other kids on Snapchat and they can see, I forget what it's called. Like a geo location. Snapchat geo or something. Yeah. And they see, oh, there's 40 dots at this house. That's where the party is. And let's go. so let's go there. So you need someone to stop them from coming in. Did you get a security? You did, right? I did. Good.

And did it? Was it helpful? I don't know how. I guess it was. He didn't have to turn away that many people. She actually made a sign that said, turn off your Snapchat geo, if that's the word. Okay.

So everybody was, they were all great kids. They were very nice kids. They were good. They were very nice and they were all on the list. There was one. There was a couple kids that tried to get in that weren't on the list, and the security guy was just like, he was good. But he also, you know, he, I said, just have them put their key. If anyone that drives, have them put their key in this basket.

And the way we can just check them before they leave. That's very smart. Not on the security. It's not their liability. Yeah. So I could take the keys then inside. And then before they leave, they have to just see me. And I'll be able to tell whether this kid should.

drive or not. And I went out and there's no keys in the basket. And he said, most of them are Ubering, I think. He said, one kid said he drove, but he said he's not going to drink. I was like, well, yeah, what else would he say? He would say he's wearing a condom. It just feels really, really good. I just trust him. I just met him. I trust him. I just met him. I trust him. So that was a little bit of a flaw. But I think it was good having someone that, look, but the whole thing, the panic was that I just didn't want to lose my house. Life can be overwhelming and many people are burned out without even knowing it. You work really hard. Now that things are opening up and there were back. I just found myself kind of in this space the other day, actually. And I was, uh, I realized, oh, this is the feeling

that we had before the pandemic. This is the hardcore, we're working really hard, and you start to lose track of like whether or not you're even tired. That kind of burnout that we always get. Well, better help online therapy wants to remind you how to prioritize yourself. Prioritize yourself and take a beat every once in a while to ask yourself whether or not you need to take a break

to talk something through, to just stop and take a look at yourself and see if you are indeed doing okay. And sometimes we just need to work things out. Sometimes you just need, you have these issues in your life, you just need to talk to someone, and sometimes it's not your friends or your family that are called upon in these moments. Sometimes you need an outside person. Sometimes we look for for therapy and you know what what at one time was kind of an unusual thing to even talk about these things and you even have a therapist was very rare and now it's become commonplace and that doesn't make it any easier though in finding the right person being able to just satisfy your needs and and take care of it and who's going to who refers it and all of that stuff

any little roadmap that you need to have a good relationship with yourself and with a therapist, BetterHelp is your source. BetterHelp, customized online therapy offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with a therapist. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy. And you can be matched with a therapist in under 40, hours. This is what I'm talking about. Take the anxiety. We don't need looking for help to be even more

anxiety creating. Better help is a great resource to match you up with the right person and be able to talk through whatever it is. Something heavy, something small, just checking in and seeing how it goes. Maybe you just never have talked to a therapist before and want to see if it does help you. kind of like working out or or reading a good book. Like sometimes you don't do something for a long time and you just do it and you realize, oh, I actually needed this more than I thought. And our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash papa.

Go to BetterHelphelp.com slash Papa, P-A-P-A, and you'll get 10% off your first month. Take care of yourself. I want you to be okay. You mean like they would overrun it and then just as squatters live there now? I didn't want something bad to happen. Okay. Where I get sued in Los Angeles. It could still happen.

It was less than 48 hours ago. By somebody. You know, you just don't want that. Was there music? There was. And was it loud? And did the neighbors complain? This is what a good dad I am.

Aw. My daughter, we talked about this in the green room at the wind. When we face time with my daughter. her and she wanted a speaker and you were like get multiple speakers and spread them around yeah but then to connect through Bluetooth was a thing and it was a thing and a thing so when we I got home from Vegas a little later than you did I went to pick up food for Mother's Day for planning what the Mother's Day thing was going to be and then went to Best Buy and bought a big ass speaker for her to blast our neighbors and to yeah and how is the mumble rep for your

neighbors. It wasn't so bad. It wasn't bad. Okay. I have to say the whole thing was went smoothly. It sounds like a success. She had a great time. They were loud and stupid like you heard all the guys just being loud and goofy. Good. The music was was going and it was around midnightish 1130. People started to leave. Very reasonable. Very reasonable. Oh my goodness. I know. My wife was saying we should get them food. Why aren't we getting them food? And my daughter was just like, please just don't plan this. Just leave, just don't come in the yard. Just can't please just don't.

And we're like, what about some chips or maybe some water? And she's like, fine, but just don't. Just don't get involved. And it was like, all right. And then wouldn't you know, like halfway through the party, we get a text from my daughter in the yard. Can we order pizza? Of course, my wife is right. She's always right about this kind of stuff.

Of course. Just, there's teenage boys and... And the edibles kicked in and now they're... Well, that's the thing. So we order the pizza. Most of the kids started leaving at that point. And so I come down with the pizza. And I got to say, and this is so funny because you don't think about, you don't,

things didn't register. Like, we throw a lot of parties. We're always hosting people. Yeah. Oh, that's so weird that I have. haven't been invited. You have been over. Not to a party. Oh, that's true. This is awkward now. Mm-hmm. You know, because I show up. You do? On time. Oh, that's so nice. I would invite you. Don't say it like that. Now I don't want to go. Well, you don't, you don't make your, you don't. Just because we're

gluten-free, is that what this is about? Like, can when you come alone. Are you going to bring all the other people with because you don't, you don't advertise them as people you'd want to invite. I love my family. Do I have to say it in the camera so that legally, a disclaimer? I love my family. How many cameras? Is there one over here? So we host a lot.

So when I, I'm used to seeing party stuff, you know. Yeah. And I walk down and I bring the stuff down and a couple of them look kind of loopy. Oh my God, there's pizza. And I put the stuff and I came up and my wife says, how to go. I said, that was good. You know, we were very scared that we were going to get in trouble for even appearing down there. And I said, it's good, it looks like they're having fun.

They look a little trash. And then I just clock in my head. There was a big bottle of Tito's on the counter next to the grill. And I didn't even think of it when I went down there because, of course, there's this alcohol. And it was intent until I got up there. I'm like, wait, there shouldn't be alcohol. This is a child. It's a child's part.

And, but of course, they. And we knew something was up when she came in. And she's like, do we have cups? I was like, what do you need cups where the water and the things are all? Yeah, we got you guys juice boxes. Yeah, they come in cans and bottles. Why do you need cups? So they definitely were doing something.

Well, good for you that you did it. I'm so glad she probably had an amazing time. She did have an amazing time. Her friends got her a cake and she got all the Instagram photos, I suppose. Good. You got to get the Graham. You got to get the photos for Graham. I was just, at the end of it, just relieved.

Like, it's over. Yeah. Listen, as much as we love throwing parties, because we do. Oh, really? Yeah. Interesting. I invited you. No.

You're busy. No. No, this is awkward. No, your daughter once ran out and stopped me in the driveway and said, will you please come to my birthday party in July? That's right. That's right. And then we never, her parents never followed up on it. Oh, okay.

Well, it was trolls. That was the theme of that one that you missed. Are you trying to hurt me more? It, we, we, first of all, we buy so much food. It's disgusting. And then you have it all left over. And we have it all left over. But we love to feed people.

And we had a party once. You know, it starts off of the pool party. Everyone's outside. And then people do start to leave. But there's always this like core group that never leaves. Uh-huh. And then it's dark. And then we're like, oh, should we get a fire pit going?

So then we start the fire pit. And then I bring out the samores. Now they're never leaving now. And then, you know, there's still more drinks because we have, you know, a little outdoor fridge. So there's, oh, there's still more beer in the fridge. Oh, so they're not going to leave until they empty, until they suck you dry, which I love. I love our friends. But then it's second meal now.

So we fed them the first meal. And now I'm like in the freezer. Like, what do we have for the, I can give your kids chicken nugget? Like, I don't know what to. And now I'm redo it like an entire, it's like a second party because people don't want to leave. Is the jacuzzi still on? I guess. Are all your friends with kids your same, similar ages?

Yeah, basically. But yeah, some have kids like for some reason in their 20s. That's a very funny period because they know if they leave, then they've got to deal with the whole dinner thing that they've avoided going to your house. And also their kids are busy in our house. So the kids are busy. They're running around. We can bring them home and just have them, they've been fed and run. Go to bed.

Go to bed. Go to sleep. Yeah. And that's what usually happens, which again, I'm not complaining. You are a little bit. I'm not complaining. No, you are. No, you are.

Parties. Listen, I get a little bit nuts. I almost think I have a problem. With what? Parties. I go way, like, my husband's. And I don't drink. My husband's 50th, I had like a steep.

drum thing. I did that for my wife's 40. Yeah, see, I got like a bartender, like with a real bar who came with like Tiki. It was all teaky. I had a fire breather guy, like a fire dancer, whatever he does. And I know, it's overboard. It's, it's a little bit nutso, but so. That's pretty great. But it's fun. How many people came to that party? 50. 50 people. 50 first. Including children? No children. No children. We drop the kids off. We ship them away. It was so. So great. That's a good party. Yeah.

And we have a big... Steel drum makes a really good party. Steel drum is the best. Steel drum. Where am I? The French Riviera? What's happening right now? Boom, da, boom.

You're in Jamaica. It really is a good one. Amazing. But there is definitely a point where you're sending him home early. Yeah. A little too much steel drum at some point. All of a sudden, you don't know why, but everyone at the party becomes irritated at the same time. And they don't know what it is.

and you look over it and it's the steel drum guy still going. But, you know, then he starts doing like covers of like ACDC. And you're like, oh, come on, steel drum guy. You're going to do this. You're going to do some red hot chili peppers. All right. You can stay. That's the most fun.

Yeah. But we, we, then when he's gone, we have a big speaker. You do. And then that's when Mommy's Pandora Spotify list comes out. Oh, boy. It gets crazy. What's the genre? Everything.

Everything. I like to mix it up. Look, we're not going to just do Beastie Boys and run DMC. You know, we're going to do a little aha. We're going to mix it up. Yeah, Mike, Mike does not like my musical. All music from when you were in. No, no, I'll do some dance monkey.

You will? Yeah. I'm not a complete square. I know you think I am. Why don't you drink? I forgot. forgot how to do it. I just forgot to pick it up as a thing.

You know, you talk to people, they're like, yeah, more of a whiskey. That's my thing. But you never did even in high school? I was so boring. You say you were exciting when you were in high school. I was. I did not need alcohol, but I was always on penis patrol. For your friends.

For my friends, which I get very offended because, you know, a lot of comics will do that hacky joke of like, there's always that one friend who's like, we're going home. Just as you're about to hook up with her. you know, with her friend. So that was always me. Uh-huh. So I'm very offended because they always say that chick is usually ugly. But the reason I could do that was because I had a boyfriend.

I always had a boyfriend. Right. Throughout high school. Right. But I was also five, eight in the seventh grade. Boobes, hips, a mustache, my knuckles dragged, my voice, you know what I mean? Everything. My testicles lower.

I was just, I was this ape compared to my other friends. So I was intimidating. You know, boys were much smaller than me. And I had a friend, Janaya, who's still one of my good friends, at a party. And we were, it's time to go. Because I was also the chauffeur. Right. I had a Lincoln Continental.

Oh, nice. And I could shove 15, 17-year-old girls into it. So I was like, I got to drive everyone home. Right. And this kid would not let go of Janaya. This little puny guy and he wouldn't let go of her. And I'm grabbing one arm. And he, it's a tug-of-war with my,

friend and she's like this big. She's so little. And so he grabbed her and I just clocked him in the face. And I go, run. And we all ran so fast because I'd never punched anybody, but I was on penis patrol. Good job. It was constant. I was like, whoop, whoop, who. So you were just too busy to even think about drinking. I just, I was the mom. I made sure everyone got home. Right. I was just constantly, you know, and also, Also, then I had to sometimes leave the party, drive to my house, churn off the light in the hallway that my dad left on, and that's how he knew I was home. And then leave the house and go back to the party. But at least he thought I was home at curfew. So I just was juggling a lot of stuff.

So I just didn't have, I couldn't. I couldn't. I was too responsible. Yeah. But also, I don't like it. I know. We had wine the other night at... Yeah. And thank you for doing that after meal because I know you wanted to go to bed. No, it was delicious.

It wasn't. It wasn't? Oh, yours maybe it wasn't. Mine wasn't great. My salmon was really good. It was? Yeah. That place felt a little scammie. That place felt scammie? Yeah. Well, because all the waiters look like they just did time and the owner is giving them a second chance on life.

And they were quick to take up. the tablecloths all around us. They were fast. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, look, I am a bread snob, but you don't have to be a bread snob to know that that restaurant should have halfway decent bread. And that bread was horrible. That's the kind of place.

Horrible bread. And it's a very expensive Italian place. Very expensive. It was ridiculous. You should want to go to second base with the bread like that at a place like that. Right? Yeah. So anyway, the meal wasn't that great, but the company was great.

And I didn't want to just, like, go back and sit in the room by myself after the show. We just had the big show, this big thing. So it was nice, but you did get wine. I did. That was another weird thing. I almost finished it. Yeah, close. I almost finished it.

Maybe halfway. At one point, I said, should we get a bottle of wine? Because I wasn't sure what you wanted to do. And you were like, what? To take home with us on the plane? What do you mean? A bottle? I got the Don, the number one.

Yeah. Tequila from Ron White. Yeah. And his business partners came to the show, loved the show and left a beautiful bottle of tequila for us. Amazing. And it made it all the way back to my place. So that was good.

And then your daughter drank it. The weird part was the, which this part I actually. thought I would hate, and I'm having trouble even complimenting it now. They served a martini. I ordered an ice cold martini with olives, and it came in a shot glass. A little larger, but it actually worked. It was so cold, so crisp, it tasted great. It was like in the most untraditional martini glass of all time, but it really kind of worked. Yeah. Okay, good.

Well, see, there was a positive. There was a positive. I mean, it gave me a chance to enjoy myself. I was watching you not. I do a better salmon at home, but that salmon was good. I do a good salmon. You were talking all about the salmon that you make at home while you were eating that salmon.

Look, COVID made me, it forced me to be, you know, a much better cook in the kitchen. Right. Much better. And I can bake now. Bake. Yeah. And I... Wait a minute.

Red flat. Whop. With cassava flour. What are you baking for these children that can't eat waffle cookies or bread? Casab flour. Yeah. It's gluten-free. It's so delicious.

Sweetened with some applesauce or a banana. I'm going to make you some next time. See, I forget because you usually have treats to give people. But next time I do this, number five. Yes. I am going to put on much better makeup so I don't look so green. You don't look that green. A little bit.

And I'm bringing you goodies. Well, I'll bring you some gluten-free treats and you will say, this tastes almost like the real thing. Again. But you will say that in a good way. No, look, there's a lot of, we have come a long way with all of the vegan desserts, with the gluten-free desserts. And I understand that there are people that have. Issues. I think that number is much smaller than the people that say they have issues. It probably is. I don't know.

My 11-year-old was like insane when he was eating regular breads and stuff. What do you mean insane? Insane. Like he just like would short circuit. He would glitch. Why? I don't know. From bread? Yes. Okay. Do you want me to get into it? It doesn't make him sick. It makes him crazy. So everything is all right. Do you want to get into this? Let's do this. Let's roll up our sleeves. everything in the gut, everything that happens in your gut, it's your second brain. There are species that live in your gut that are telling your brain, eat more sugar, because they feed off of it.

It is trying to, it's cock blocking your health. If whatever happens in your gut, if it's not balanced, you are done. You're through. I do understand that. Okay. I do understand that. So many times, if I am cranky or get bad sleep, it's purely what's going on in my stomach. Yes.

Yes. And no thimble of martini will solve it. You got to... I slept well that night. You got to do a prebiotic. You got to do a probiotic. There's even a postbiotic, but I don't want to get into that. Okay.

So I'm on board with the whole philosophy. I get what the medical community is saying. I get what your voodoo says. I know. And when they say, okay, you need a, it makes perfect sense. Like, you need a healthy gut. Yes. My daughter came up the other day and said, I saw on TikTok that a healthy gut is important.

And I feel like I've got to end. Okay, so great. Now none of us are doctors. None of us are nutritionists. Then people just start saying, I'm going to just start throwing probiotics down. I'm just going to kombucha it. I'm going to not eat sugar. And then everybody starts coming up with their own solutions of what that abstract thing of a healthy gut is.

Are you a dermatologist? No. But you'll put sunscreen on? Oh. Yes. How dare you? In a rudimentary way. Do you manufacture cars?

No. But you drive. one? Yes. How dare you? These are bad analogy. No, these are perfect analogy. No, they're not.

You just said that there's a second brain inside my belly. Yes. That is much more complex. And your third brain is lower. Than throwing some sunscreen on. No, but you know what I'm saying. Yes. But you can get a probiotic.

You don't need 18 years of medical school. Is a probiotic all you need for a healthy gut? Talk to someone, but you can have a good probiotic and it will help. Why will it help? What does a probiotic do? Because you have, like I said, you have overgrowth. There's good bacteria. You need good bacteria. You're high-fiving good bacteria. And then there's evil, bad bacteria. And if this was a cartoon, it'd have like some weird mustache. You know what I mean? And like a sinister hat. So then you don't want an overgrowth of the bad bacteria. Right. Okay. So you fill your gut lining with the good bacteria. You get out of. I'm giving you just the, you know, I'm a clown, right? Like I tell dick jokes, I'm not a doctor. But you fill your bacteria, you make it a healthy living space. So that the bad stuff is not overrun telling your brain more twinkies.

So how do you know this? You'll know. You know. When you eat something, you know. Your gut tells you. Yes, 100%. Your gut tells you. Yeah.

But can you, with your. own devices and little TikTok knowledge and internet knowledge mess up your gut by thinking you're trying to you're thinking you're helping it absolutely if you're on TikTok you're already messing up a few things in your life absolutely but you're not going to go crazy you're not going to go nuts yeah talk to someone but also like you know look up just a basic you know find out how many strains it has. I suggest 5 billion minimum for kids, more

for adults. Uh-huh. And is it 5 billion for 5 billion what? Oh, uh, strains. Strains. There's different strains. Uh-huh. The bacteria. Oh, of the bacteria. Yeah. It's complicated. I don't think this is enough for a podcast. Well, but that is really seriously

my question. You should know about that. Can you be help? Can you be helping? Yes. can you be hurting yourself when you're trying to help yourself? Absolutely. But if you, okay, for example, let's say you feel like, hmm, maybe I want to do a light liver cleanse. You're not going to do something intense and crazy unless you're talking to an herbalist, a doctor, maybe someone who does holistic medicine, right? Or you can go to the store and legally buy dandelion tea, which is one of the best ways. to detox your liver and you just drink dandelion tea.

You're not going to hurt yourself. You're not going to do anything bad. Right. But you're just making some good, you know, choices. When I make a good choice to drink some kombucha, because they say that that is, that is healthy for your gut. And I do it. And I feel like, oh, my belly feels better. Is that just because of the bubbles?

The bubbles? Not all kombucha is good for you. Uh-huh. That's too much sugar. What are you? you doing right now right what are we doing right right yeah you don't want like because the really good ones have a lot of sugar in them they have to taste good things like uh watermelon dreams and a pomegranate love turmeric goddess yeah i know those are the good ones those are the best and the other ones got to be careful

though yeah but you you're fine you're okay no i know but i but i but i definitely as i get older I know that the things, I have that joke about how people can't sleep because they ate a cookie after six. Hilarious. I love that. There's that, there is a, that's very, that people laugh because everyone goes through that at a certain age. You can't eat like you did when you were 20. I mean, pepperoni pizza at 12 o'clock at night. Oh, those were the good days.

So I'm definitely more conscious about it. You know what else is really, really, uh, when you're thoughtful about your diet, things really like kind of, kind of like red alerts. Like when you eat something that you're not supposed to. When I eat processed things that are just the most fun things, like of like Doritos or Cheez-It's or whatever, I immediately feel it in my sinuses. Oh, yeah. It's like, you're getting inflamed.

Yeah. Yes. It's an inflammation, which is your body's way of saying, no, thank you. I know. And you're like, but what, cheeses are fun. I know. But you can't. Yeah.

Read the back of those boxes. I know. It can't have, a cracker can't have 75 ingredients. I mean, at what point? It's not even a cracker anymore. What are we building? Why are we calling it a cracker? I know.

I tried to do a joke the other night. There's potential for it. I literally got up on stage of the comedy store. I was like, I feel weird right now. And I had a Coke Zero and some cheese it's. I just came in the house. It was in between, things and had to just run out and I just ate handfuls of cheeseettes and a Coke zero.

And I know there have been studies done on whether cheese its give you cancer or Coke Zero gives you cancer. I'm sure of it. For sure. And they don't. But I doubt there's ever been a study of what happens when we combine these two things. It's like a Mentos. Because my eyeballs are hot right now.

But imagine it's like a Mentos in a Coke in a Coke bottle. Right. That's what's happening in your belly. Right. It's going to come out your belly button. Yeah, my eyeballs are hot is hilarious. Yeah. Well, those things make me sad inside. I can't have that kind of stuff. You can't. No. When you're traveling as you do and you're in the airport and you're feeling tired and you've seen what I eat. What did I get? We were at Hudson News together. I forget. What did you get? Some beef jerky and cashews. Oh, right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Because those are real things. They're not processed. Well, beep jerky is processed technically.

Yeah, I get one with like not a lot of sugar. I don't need like a fancy flavor. Yeah. Flavor. Just want to shoe leather jerky. I just want to chew on something that will be stuck in my teeth for weeks. And yeah, I try to get not processed, but like I don't, I don't, you know. Don't mess with any of that stuff.

I don't get it. No, no. Is there cereal in your house? No. Is there granola in your house? No. There's oatmeal. Okay.

Gluten free. Blum-brin-b-blum. Sorry. You know my friends that are gluten-free when they go to France and Italy? Yeah. They eat everything. Well, that's, yeah. I think it's just also processed differently here.

A hundred percent. That is why I started this podcast. Because of Roundup and our food? Because there was no way that people have been eating bread for centuries. And then we show up and can't eat bread. And it was, the problem isn't that we're eating bread. It's that we're eating things that are called bread, called crackers. That's right.

That are not. If you eat real bread that I make, you're going to be fine. And I have a lot of friends in my life that had gluten issues, whatever, it could eat my bread, no problem. It wasn't flour, water, salt, and yeast. It was all the extra shit thrown out. I've eaten your bread. It was incredible. And?

And I poop myself. Happy, happy belly. No gut leak. Nothing leaked out of me. Yeah. No, it was delicious. It was amazing. Right.

No, that's the thing. That your friends can go to Europe and eat the breakfast as it's real bread. Yeah. Let's go to Europe. Let's do it. All right, let me ask you this. Could we run away to Europe for a month, come back and still keep our families? I think if we also brought us.

got a lot of money with us, then yes. It would have to be, we'd have to come back with a profit. A ton of money. It has to be for stand-up. Right. So we'd have to, you know, have some sort of gig there. Yeah. Like there has been some sort of comedy club near the Louvre.

Right. Called I Louvre to laugh or something. And then, yes, I think my husband, if I left for a month, but I was like, but I'm bringing back buckets of money. Right. He'd be like, um, blessings. Bon voyage. Bon voyage.

Yeah. That's really what it comes down to in my house. Yeah. Because I've got to leave the kids. Yeah. And then that's him, only one person yelling at them. We're going through an interesting point where we're, the kids now will join us as adults once in a while. But it's where we are now coming out the other end and of child raising.

And we're like, oh, hey, I remember you. It's like, we're able to just kind of talk and watch a movie right now. Like, we haven't. With your wife? Yeah, like, we haven't sat down and really like spoken like this on a Wednesday evening in years because it's always been what's up tomorrow? Who's doing the thing? Who's going to take the kids? Who's going to, you know, we got to do this appointment.

Can you cover for this? Can you do that? And that's how you communicate for a decade more, almost two decades. and now it's like we're all of a sudden like, oh, hey, didn't I date you at one time? Yeah. Yeah. Well, hey, I remember you. Don't get too comfortable because I have a feeling your second one's never leaving.

My second one last night, we have a large family. And there's one person in our family that is raising like his daughter's kids kind of thing. And my daughter's like, why don't we adopt them as foster children? Your daughter offered this up? Yeah. And I'm like, she goes, then you won't feel sad when I leave. I was like, no, I'll be twice as sad because I will be now back to raising children again. You cannot raise foster children.

You're going to be in Europe for a month. There's no way. I mean, I love the idea of reaching out and helping other people. I love the idea of giving children a chance in the world. world, I can't go further than it being an idea. I almost did that. You did? I did.

But it wasn't going to be like for a very long time. There was a child who, um, my kids preschools and private, private school, private Jewish school. Uh-huh. And there was a child that was, um, the parents were unable to raise the child. And the grandfather was raising the child. Right. And then the grandfather fell ill.

Oh, no. And they said, can someone take this child just for a short while? while the grandpa gets back on his feet, and I almost did it. But I was leaving. They never would have come out of your house. I was leaving the next day to go on the road. I know. My husband would have been like, are you out of your mind?

Oh, let's take in this baby. Bye. My Uber's here. Was it a baby baby? It wasn't. It was. So if my daughter was four, it was the baby, three. It's a baby.

Three is a baby. Come on. Three is such a little nugget. But yeah, so I was like, Michael, we have to. We have to. I was so like, we have to. And he's like, are you crazy? Luckily, someone stepped up.

But they wanted to keep the three-year-old in the community, you know? So that's why they reached out to the parents first. Heartbreaking. Heartbreaking. Yeah. I don't, yeah. I know. There's so much that goes into it.

You want to be a good person, but we're not. But there's so much aggravation. I want to read the newspaper again. I know. It's never going to happen. And not with the animals in your house either. You're going to have responsibilities forever. That went through my head for a second.

I was like, don't say it out loud because people listening to the podcast will be like, I can't believe you're comparing pets to people. But anything that makes you get up off the couch and have to go care for is a responsibility. Absolutely. And when my kids are out of the house and my wife is out of the house and I'm like, oh, I get to just be alone for a minute and maybe I'll get some work done. Maybe I'll do some writing. And then the dogs, oh, geez, why is she?

You all right, Bella? She's going to shit in the house. If I don't take her out, probably something's going to happen. Then you do that. Then the other one comes and Frank, the pug walks by and he doesn't have his pants on. And then the cat's meowing at the thing. Is there all things that need care? Yes.

And look, if you just want to care for things, that's great. If you're one of those people that can just spend your time. But if you also have jobs and things that you have to get done, maybe you don't start just adopting every child and pet in the neighborhood. If you have anything in your house that you can't just get up and leave right now. That's a family member. Right. Yes. That's a fish.

If you have to array. Remember I told you I had to cat sit? Yeah. with the angry, awful cat. They were awful. One of them, like, had an eye missing. It was like a pirate. And they were just awful.

And I'm sorry. I've seen some beautiful, cute cats that are like, look at the colorings. It's all marbled. But these guys were like criminals, like ex-cons. These were, if I were to draw bad cats, that's how I would draw them with like a tail that's all zigzag. They were awful. I'm sorry to my friend who I didn't feel bad. I'm not going to say his name.

But I was like, this is nuts. Yeah. My friends are going on vacation and I'm watching their cats and they're like children. You know, I'm like, come on, you got to eat. Come on. Stop jumping on that. I know. Eat the food I put in front of you.

The eating, the walking, the feeding, the cleaning their poop. Cleaning the poop. That's it. It's a person. Yeah. It's too much. I think that, uh, okay. So, but this is the problem too.

You go through the tsunami. of it. And it's like you're in the middle of it and you throw some pets on it and who cares and your mom. You got to deal with your mom and your dad and all the rest of it. And then you get spit out of it and everybody's gone. Will you feel, will you feel no, like everyone goes away and all of a sudden you and your husband are just looking at each other. Will you miss the noise? Will you miss the activity? Oof. I mean, I say probably not. Yeah, I don't. think so either. Glad we're on the same page.

Yeah, I don't think so either. I will be so excited. I'll be so happy. The reason a lot of comics that I started out with did not, this isn't a hard, fast rule, but did not really like keep going and keep like doing it and fighting it and open mics and road work is because they couldn't be alone on the road. They just didn't have that thing. Yeah.

Yeah. I love it. I do too. Whenever I hear of comics that travel with like a posse, they bring like their nephew does the merch and they bring their husband and wife. And then they bring up some friends and they travel with like a bunch of people. I know a lot of people like that. Yeah. I'm always like why.

Why? But they like it. They like the support. Yeah. They like to know that. I want nobody around me. It's going to be tapping their feet in the morning. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

Good morning. No noise till coffee. How about that? What? That a rule, no noise till coffee. Yeah. How about the, I want to hear the coffee percolating. Oh, the best sound. Now, that's one thing I've been thinking about because we both love coffee. Yeah.

But you dropped kind of, and I never really called you out on it. You drink some weird coffee at home because of your gut health. Yeah. What is it? You don't need to call me out. I'm not doing anything wrong. No, you are. Don't try to shame me. Yeah.

It's organic and it's low acid. So your stomach is just full of dirty, acidy brown water right now. And it tastes great. Mine is organic. How's it taste? Amazing. You would never know. How dare you?

But I also mask it with stevia and some heavy cream. Thank you for being here. That's it. That's it. That's the reason I have to leave. All right. Is it good? Because I know you, because you're not drinking that on the, well, you are adding all the stuff in it.

But yeah. You are a coffee snob, I would say, an aficionado. I like, no. Well, you'll, yeah, you'll have garbage coffee. I will. I'm not happy about it. But at home, you're not like, let me get the most beautiful tasting coffee I can get. It's more.

This is delicious coffee. I'm going to make you some. Will you come to my house, please? I know it's 15 hours from here, but will you just come by and make you some coffee? Absolutely. And I'll bring some food. And there will be brass. I'll bring food that we can eat.

There'll be a brass drum guy. Calypso. Does your husband eat? Is he on board with eating all these not eating things? No. No. No. He eats everything.

He does. Yeah. So he'll eat this bread. For sure. For sure. Without even swallowing. He'd just rub it like a goose. You know, I just massage it down.

Yeah. All right, good. Well, this was fun. It was. What would have been better was some coffee now that I think about it. I know. You used to do that. You slipped.

The good old days, the first four times I was on. I was going to do it. I was a bad host. Yeah. I only got you waffle cookies, chocolate sticks, and bread, and beautiful Italian water. It's good. I had a little bubble in it. Thank you.

That was Kira Soltanovich on our final appearance here on Breaking Bread. We got it, Aaron. All right, everybody. That's our big conversation with Kira Soltanovich. It's obvious why we keep having her back. Go to Kira Comedy.com. Look up all of Kira's dates. She's always got stuff going on.

She's got a great online. series, how I'm spacing on the name. She's going to hate me even more. Sweat, sweat with Kira Soltonovich. Better sweat, more sweat. She's really going to punch me right in the face. I love Kira, you love Kira. Go to KiraComedy.com. Go to Tompapa.com. Look up all of my tour dates. Thank you to Better Help for coming on board this week's program. And thank all of you for listening. We'll see you next time.