Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 110 - Ali Macofsky

Episode Date: June 21, 2022

Ali Macofsky is a very funny comedian who dares to turn my bread into pepperoni pizza!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Insurance isn't one-size-fits-all, and shopping for it shouldn't feel like squeezing into something that just doesn't fit. That's why drivers have enjoyed progressives' name-your-price tool for years. With the name-your-price tool, you tell them what you want to pay, and they show you options that fit your budget. Enough hunting for discounts, trying to calculate rates, and tinkering with coverages. Maybe you're picking out your very first policy. Or maybe you're just looking for something that works better for you and your family. Either way, they make it simple to see your options. No guesswork, no surprises.

Ready to see how easy and fun shopping for car insurance can be? Visit progressive.com and give the name your price tool a try. Take the stress out of shopping and find coverage that fits your life on your terms. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. It's time for breaking bread with Papa. Hey! Don't you know?

Hey, it's our goal. Hey, it's time for Breaking Bread with Papa. Hey, don't you know? Hey, it's also a show. Hey. Hey, everybody. Welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. I am Tom Papa.

Thank you so much for being here today on this glorious, glorious day. Have a good show for you today. We've got Ali Makowski coming on the program. I'm very funny comedian. We just became pals this year. We worked together up in San Jose, and she really makes me laugh, and had her come to the table and join us,

and it really is one of the funnier podcasts we've had in a while. She's just so quick and funny. You are going to love it, and I'm very excited to introduce her. to you. It's a good one. You're going to enjoy. I'd like to thank the good people at Helix Sleep for sponsoring the program today. Love Helic Sleep. I sleep on a Helic Sleep mattress. Take their two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. I need to improve my pillows. The mattress is perfect. I'm having a pillow crisis.

I know some of you are sleeping on some saggy old mattresses at night, and you deserve better than that. So give yourself an upgrade. Find your perfect mattress at helixsleep.com slash papa. That's helix sleep. com slash papa. P-A-P-A. Allie MacKovsky, very funny comedian, very excited to share this conversation with her. Here we are. We are in the official beginning of summer. I don't go by the equinox. I go by

the party calendar dudes, which was Memorial Day weekend. And we just had Father's Day weekend. And we are deep in it. We're in the throes. We're in the dads and fourth of Julys and all of it. I saw a post the other day of someone's grill situation. And I think it was Eric from Tim and Eric. And it's such an impressive fire going. I use a gas grill, which is kind of, I don't know. It's not as exciting. I mean, it's good.

It does the job. It looks decent. It's a little skanky. I don't really, haven't really. kept up with it. But watching somebody when they actually have real fire going and you're throwing those stakes on, oh, that is, that looks like good living. But at a certain point, how many things are you going to add to your yard too? People talk about that pellet grill. People talk about just getting the regular coal stuff, burning cedars and all the rest. It's kind of a, it's kind of a

dealer's choice, I guess, which way are you going to go? What kind of setup do you have in your your yard. But it is grilling season and I hope that you are getting out there. And that was my whole thing on Father's Day. I was like, I could make a big pasta meal, but it feels like, let's get out of the kitchen for a minute and let's just let's just get some stuff out in the yard. There's going to be no cleanup. And then when I went out there, I realized, oh, here's some cleanup. Here's some veggie burgers that I had from three weeks ago. There's still in the grill that I put up on the the top shelf. That turns into something kind of interesting. That turns into something kind of funky. Still baking the bread like crazy. But get out. Get out there. Get into the yard and start making a mess out

there. This is what it's all about. I have a problem with figuring out exactly how much alcohol to have at these little cookouts and things. We had a party for our niece who was graduating and figured there's going to be a bunch of college kids. And I always seem to, I don't think people drink as much. I don't think it's not like, I guess because people got to drive. I mean, they Uber, I guess. I don't know what it is. But I always panic because I have, you know, X amount of people coming over.

And it's like, well, you want it to be a party. Here's a bunch of beer cans and white claw cans. And here's some wine and here's some mixed drink stuff. And at the end of the party, I've always got coolers filled with stuff. and no room in the fridge and what are you going to do with it all? It ends up, you know, how many times you're going to, how many times you're going to heat it up and cool it down and get it out?

I don't know. These are cookout, cookout problems. But yeah, are you finding that too? People just aren't drinking as much. Maybe we have to invest in weed. Maybe that's just chipping away at the, I mean, all the desserts go, all the burgers go, all the hot dogs go, even despite

all this research that's coming out. I'm sure you saw the headlines that a hot dog takes off 36 minutes of your life. Every hot dog you have is taking off 36 minutes of your life. Seems worth it. Nothing better than a good hot dog. Cookout, hot dog, beer in a can, ice cold, right? What more you want out of life? I wouldn't care if it killed me tomorrow.

That's a pretty good run. But hopefully you get out there and do it. And I would like some fire, though. I had the steak out there on the grill. It's cranked up as hot as it can go. Psh, psh, psh, both sides. But it doesn't have that thing, that smoky thing. Sometimes you just have to visit people who have it going on.

Sometimes, you know, you do your thing and then go to your friend's house who's got the big smoker and doing all that stuff. I don't have a friend with a smoker, but maybe one of you out there has it and we can become pals? That would be good. Ali Makovsky is a very funny comedian. She's very creative, very dry, very funny, thought-provoking. I became pals with her at the comedy store. I had an extra loaf of bread that I had no takers for.

I brought it up there. She came up, started asking me some questions about, bread. I shared it with her and we just became, we just became pals pretty quickly. Very funny. Always like when, and then you start, then you hear that, oh, she was opening for some other people and she's a headliner herself. And it's just one of these really great people who, like I said, I'm excited to introduce you to her. This is a very funny conversation. Let's get right to it, the very funny, Ali Makovsky. So nice to see you.

So nice to see you. I know. I can't believe I didn't give you COVID. That was exciting. I don't get how it works. Yeah, me neither. I don't understand. I know.

I do feel, though, that taking a flight on Southwest is a pretty good way to get it. You think that was what did it? I think so. I was on the same flight. I know. But I feel like that was the prime opportunity. I mean, I don't understand why you did. didn't get it. But I felt like I wasn't getting it. I was like, I'm one of those people. I literally

was thinking they're going to test me. They're going to have to bring me in at the end of all this. They're going to want to know what I'm made of. Yeah. I know. I was telling my boyfriend, because he had gotten COVID. And like when my sisters had gotten it, they like quarantined from their husbands. They would like stay in the other bedroom or like, you know, whatever. My boyfriend had it and I was like whatever like I'm fine to get it I don't have any underlying issues like I'll get it and I'll move on whatever yeah and I never got it and then he brought to my attention I was like when did I have it like I had it at some point when did I have it and he was like you've never you've never had it which just doesn't make sense to me yeah I'm sure I have had it and just didn't know or had like a false

negative. Yeah, I thought that too, but once I got it, I felt like, oh, yeah, this feels different than I would have known if I had this earlier. Yeah. Like I've had sniffles or whatever, but this was like, oh, yeah, this is, you know, it felt like it felt like it wanted to be something bigger. I wanted to be a star. It did.

I was like, notice me. Yeah, exactly. I know like those other common colds and flus. And the vaccine and the booster was like standing in its way. Yeah. Yeah, it felt like it wanted to be. Well, I'm glad you didn't care because we were, we did, we did the shows, we did the flights, we did the meals. We did do some meals.

Yeah. Yeah. We stayed apart in the green room. We were a good distance. That was a huge green room. It was a nice green room. It was. There were two green rooms.

He said it was haunted. at the San Jose improv. We didn't get to experience any hauntings. By the time we were ready to go, it was like, let's just go. Yeah, because the last night of shows, I was like, let's go to the super haunted part. And then by the time the show's over, I'm like, that was enough excitement for the night.

Ghost schmosts. Yeah. And then when I heard that one of the guys there started the rumor about the ghost because he didn't want anyone going in the basement where his art supplies were, I was like, all right. It really ruins the magic.

But that could also. also be reverse psychology, where he knew that that place was the most haunted. Uh-huh. But he's just maybe a haunted hoarder. He wants to keep the haunts to himself. What if he's a ghost? I know, you said this guy has an art studio. I'm like, what guy?

I've met all the guys here. Yeah, and he'd be like, wait, I didn't see him. He really, he was like six foot. He was wearing a top hat for some reason. No, I never saw him. Oh, that's weird. Well, you also think that your your vape protects you from COVID, which is, I've really been thinking like I should get, I should get vaping. Yeah, I think my diet of Diet Coke, Jewel Vap, and just whatever food is around me, just keeping me going.

Did you go to Coke Zero or you stay Diet Coke? I don't drink soda that often. I'm trying to get back into it, actually. Me too. Because it's a nice little pick-me-up. It's got some caffeine. So, you know, I'm trying to do a Diet Coke. I like a Coke Zero.

Yeah. But this feels like home. This feels like family. Because it was from your past. Yeah, my mom was like a hardcore Diet Coke drinker growing up. So this just feels like my mother's milk. This feels like. like my nutrients. This is my umbilical cord feeding me what my mom, you know, is providing.

I started getting into Coke Zero and I don't know why. Sometimes like we have people over and for some reason there was a sleeve of it, you know how you get with those things. And I like it. I like the little refreshing pick me up. I'm not going to drink coffee, hot coffee at five in the afternoon, but a Coke Zero. But it did take a couple weeks before it did. It did. It does. didn't feel like my system wasn't on like wait wait what is this yeah like there was a little bit of a it's like it's like um it's like cigarettes or cocaine where like you think that you do one bump or one drag and you're going to be hooked but no it like it has to become a little bit of your routine yeah and you have to get through like the weird feeling like the kind of sicky

feeling when you first have it you got to plow through that yeah the acid taste the taste of chemicals. Yeah. But it becomes very comforting. I just tried. Coca-Cola's really... They're using their money wisely. They've got a lot of people in the research division.

They have new flavors now. They have starlight. What's that? It tastes like space, according to them. It's the space-flavored Coca-Cola that's sold at Disneyland and Select 7-Elevens. Oh. And it's so good. It's so delicious.

Is it have sugar? It does. That's why I like Diet Coke and Coke Zero Because I like to do these little mind games Where I trick myself into thinking I'm skinny It's like if I drink one of these I'm like I'm so skinny I didn't drink a regular Coke Is that all it takes is just for your mind

To you telling yourself I'm skinny? Yeah like everything I forget what book it was Some kind of self-help book But it was just saying like everything that we do Is based on these rules that we've told ourselves Like making your bed in the morning Like I tell myself, oh, I'm going to have a better day.

I'm going to feel better about myself if I make my bed in the morning. Which I think there's probably some science that may be coincides with that. Yeah. But there's so many things that I do that make me feel good because I tell myself if I do them, then I'm a good person. Right. And so when I drink a Diet Coke, I'm like, I'm so skinny and I'm so healthy. That's like if I order like two double quarter panders for McDonald's outside of fries, and I eat like one and a half of the items.

I'm like, look at me. I'm skinny. I'm not eating everything. Portion control. Yes, exactly. That's what I tell myself. I like to tell myself I'm in shape and feeling good. And then I'll catch myself in the mirror.

I mean like, oh, no, not really. Yeah. But it really comes down to angles. It's like if I get the complete three, quarter side. And you're like, oh, that's trouble. Straight on. Not bad.

Do you do want to, do you have a face? Do you do a face in the mirror? No, not really. I used to. Okay. I used to have one. My face, it was, um, kind of like a little earnest into a little bright. Oh, okay.

You know what I mean? Like, like got it together and let's go. Yeah. My dad used to do this thing. He like had a face that he would do when he looked at himself. And for some reason I remember I always being in the car In the rear view mirror

And you could catch him Look at himself and he'd go Just make his face kind of smaller And do the hands down his jowls That's funny I did have one in elevators It wasn't a face But if there is reflection on the ceiling

It's a great view of yourself Before you got to get off And do whatever you got to do Looking straight up It's like That's a pretty good angle Because you lose all your neck You lose all your neck.

It's just all the features. Yep. And you're pretty good. And then you carry that out as your face is falling to the meeting that you have to go into. I shaved off all my hair maybe like four or five years ago. Uh-huh. And I had no idea that I had cheekbones. It took me losing everything to be like, oh.

Look at that. There they are. Just because of the outline of your hair. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what it was. You went shaved? head. Fully, fully shaved. Wow. Yeah. Surprisingly, my like 80, 90, I don't know how old she is grandma, loved it. Really? And that's the one person that you think, you know, this old decrepit woman.

We'll rebel against it. Yeah. And she was like, I love your shaved head. It looks so good. That's great. Yeah. I don't know. How long did you have it? Did you love it? I did. Yeah. I did. Yeah, I was, I shaved it a few times after initially shaving it. Wow. Like, I maintain the look. But then I, it was, it just, the reason why I shaved it was because I was sick of having to do stuff with my hair. And when you have long hair, there's so much you can do with it. And I was like, this is too overwhelming.

I don't want to do anything with it. Right. I'm just going to shave it. And then after a while, you're like, I want to be able to do a braid. I want to do a pony. I want to be fun. I want to do something. But the growing out part was the worst.

Oh, the middle. Yeah. Like the beginning. Because you just look like a really worn. toothbrush. Like, you just got hair kind of sticking out in weird parts and laying flat in other parts. You can't, you can't do anything, but just watch it. Yeah.

That's, yeah, that's rough. Yeah, you start investing in a lot of hat wear. Hats, I was going to say, yeah. A lot of beanies, but in the summer for some reason. Were you different when you're shaped? How old were you when you? Maybe like 22. Right.

Were you a different person? Did it make you different? I thought, I had this. So the reason why I did it, I had this very weird idea that ended up completely contradicting itself. I was like, you know, I was a younger comic, and I had this cute lung hair. And I was like, I want people to just take me seriously. I want people to just listen to the jokes. I don't want to be like the cute young comic.

But then I'm like, no one's taking me seriously with a shaped head. Everyone's like, are you okay? What's going on? But I did enjoy it. It just feels like you have to be. When you have a shaved head, you either feel like you need to fall into the category of like super girly to like balance it out and like wear dresses and a lot of makeup or you have to like lean into the like kind of edgy, darker aesthetic. Which did you do? Both? I did a little bit of both.

What was more you? I think the more edgy. Yeah. I like wearing baggy clothes. I like, I don't know if I'd say androgyness, but I just feel more comfortable. Right. And like. Billy Eilish.

A little bit. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I could see you going girly also, I guess. I mean, you can do anything. But your personality is not as militant as your initial persona portrays. Yeah.

Does that make sense? Yeah. Totally. My boyfriend's always like, you're very girly. Right. I'm like, no, I'm not. I'm one of the boys. I'm not a girl

What's wrong with being girly Nothing I'm the youngest I'm the youngest I have two older sisters And they're very much like Girls They're women

Right You know they've always been like Keeping up with the girly trends And doing that And I've always wanted to kind of be different Yeah But at my core I am the same

Right I am that person Right But the exterior I'm like I'm not Right. It is a weird thing bringing it on stage of like I want them to take this seriously or I want them to. It's very, I don't know how much real weight there is to it. I don't think there's much. I recently have really been wanting to bleach my eyebrows.

Oh, me too. No. Should we do it? I really want to bleach them. It looks so cool. It feels so like, how. high fashion. Really? It's kind of freaky. You see this out there? I see this out there. You do.

It's happening. It's happening all around us. I haven't seen it. It's very cool. Yeah. And I've been wanting to do it, but I'm like, I don't want people to like be distracted from my high brow art form of stand-up comedy. Yeah.

But I'm also like, who cares? Yeah, I don't know if they care. No. We spend so much time. doing our face in the mirror before we go. And then do they, like how much, how much of what we do address changes what they see going up on stage? And they might have one thought initially.

Right. Because obviously we all judge people based on looks. Yeah. But then the minute that you hear someone talk, you're like, oh, okay, this is more important than the box that comes in. And yet, if you went up on stage like Prime Elton John, right? Big giant peacock shoulders and big ass glasses and some funky boots, they'd probably be distracted the whole time.

Or would they? Who knows? I don't know. Like Cat Williams is always rocking something crazy. Yeah. Right? He's always rocking something outrageous. And you do think about it the whole time.

Like I watched his new special. And I love him. He's just so funny. I love him so much. He's so great. And what he's saying does not get canceled out by what he's wearing. But I am the whole time thinking, those are cool pants. How do you get pants like that?

Those star pants? Yeah, star pants. Like, how do you get star pants? It's pretty cool. Pretty cool. And so you know what I mean? Like you are thinking about it, but you're not distracted by what it doesn't take you away from what he's saying. Yeah.

Right? I don't get distracted from what he's right. I mean, in all of his specials, the stage is more distracting than the outfit. It's true. I know. I was thinking that too. But also, like, it makes sense for him. Yeah.

Like, it makes sense for his shows, for his audience, for his material. Like, it's all just very out there. Yeah. But I'm also like, I think I go back and forth because I'm like, there's two parts of me where I'm like there's the standup performer, Ali Makovsky, and then there's just Ali Makovsky. And I'm like, why am I making those two different things? If the regular Ali Makovsky wants to bleach her eyebrows, bleach those damn brows, bleach those damn brows, girl. That's right. Because the other one is just waiting to be told by Ali what to do.

Yeah. Yeah, because I interviewed. cat for my radio show. You did? Yeah, and it was the first time I ever spoke to him. I was really excited about it. And the connection wasn't great. That was the only bummer about it.

The internet or the personal? It was a Zoom kind of situation, but he was doing it on his phone. Oh, yeah. So I couldn't get the full on cat. Sure. I'm hoping that we get to meet again. I think it went well. He was, it was really fun.

But, he was wearing shorts and a big giant Russian hat. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah. He's not his cat. He's not like coming out in an old t-shirt and sweatpants and then putting that stuff. Like his closet's filled with that stuff.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. He's just reaching in and he's pulling stuff out and it's going to be cat. I think about it often. and like just having kind of a set, like a Steve Jobs wardrobe where I just have an outfit that I like.

Yep. And I just stick with it. Yep. But then of course, knowing me, after like one week of doing it, I'm like, I just want to wear something fun and different. I know. You want to change it up.

Yeah. But I'm an outfit re-wearer. Like if I really like an outfit, I'll wear it for a week straight. So I kind of do it. What do you mean, a week straight? Like I'll just, I'll, like, a few, maybe like two months ago, I wore an outfit on stage and I was like, I love this outfit. Right.

So in the next day, before I went out to do shows, put the same exact outfit on. Very nice. I just did that recently, too, with a different outfit. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. There's just stuff that I feel good in. Yeah. I've thought about the uniform, too.

I think I mentioned this to you. I was just like jeans in a black polo. Steve Jobs-ish, don't have to think about it. I'm not standing in my closet for a second. And then my family rebelled. Yes. And they were like, now boring, after a while. And I was like still doing it.

And then my youngest said, you look like every other dad at Carpool. And that one hurt. That hurts. That really started to sway it. Yeah. Does it do your kids roast? you? Not in the way that I've seen other daughters roasting their dads. Like we have some friends

where dad is just the punchline. Like they relish in it and they just keep it going. It's kind of their shtick. My kids don't have that, which kind of makes it a little more hurtful when they do break it out. It really means they're standing by it. They're passionate. This one is, this one runs deep. Yeah. Yeah. My dad is definitely a good punching bag in the family. Yeah. He's just such a goofy guy. Uh-huh.

He's so easy to make fun of. So does he play that up, you think? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because it was just the three girls, right? Yeah. Right.

Yeah, so he was... So he would embrace it. Totally. Mm-hmm. Totally. I mean, he's just, he's very silly. He's like overweight. He's just, he's got a lot of non-hobby hobbies.

Uh-huh. Like, he loves. the, what's that one channel that plays all the westerns? TMC. TMC, the classic movie station? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. TCM. But it's not only Westerns. But he loves the Westerns. He does love the. Yeah. So it's like a hobby, but it's just out of the comfort of his home. Right. Slash backyard. I love having that channel on also. Yeah. I love that channel. I mean, they're great. I love the, I love the dialogue. of those. And I know

it's also, you know, some of it's a reflection of the time. And just the cleanliness of just hellos and goodbyes. Just the well, we'll see about that tomorrow. Yes, we will. Sure. We may have the door. You know

what I mean? Like just like the, the brevity. Like it was all so neat and out. Yeah. And out. Yeah, I love the, I love, I have it on all the time, just this background. Yeah. My dad loves that. He loves smoking cigars, but not in a good way. Oh, yeah. He smokes like five cigars a day.

What? Yeah. Really? Yeah. I think my father might be up to two. It isn't a good way. No. It should be, we're celebrating something big. Yeah. Or just like the one a day, you know, take the edge off, the nightcap cigar. Uh-huh. But he's doing it at like 10 in the morning. I've FaceTime him. I'll FaceTime him. I'll face. time him like as soon as I wake up. It's like 10 in the morning. And he's just in his jacuzzi, outside smoking a cigar. I'm like, who do you think you are? Why do you think you deserve all this? Same time zone? Same time zone. He's in Long Beach. Yeah. Why do you deserve this? That's a good question. Yeah. Have you asked him that? No. Yeah. You FaceTime him every day? Not every day, but I talk to him a lot. Right. Yeah. That is hilarious. He just started a, uh,

writing jokes to send me. Oh, no. They're funny. Are they? They're funny. But it's only funny because of the context of him being an old man who's overweight and sucks a lot of cigars. You know, it's like...

Writing in the voice of you? Of him. Of him. Yeah, he's like, what do you think about this? I'm like, I think it's great for you if you ever wanted to do it. It's never going to make sense if I'm talking about, you know, meeting a woman at the grocery store. Didn't he do something?

Didn't he... Have some performance in his past now? No. I thought of you told me that. No. So now, do you think he, what's he going to do? Nothing. You don't think so?

No, I think he just likes coming up with stuff. You don't think he'll pop up at some local thing? I don't think so. I did have one family member start going to open mics. And they were like, you know, you've just inspired me so much. Is there anything more insulting than that? And it's one of those things where you're like, this hurts, but like it's very sweet, but it's not. And I'm like, is he going to like try and name drop me at open mics and be like, I'm her relative or whatever.

In the same community. In the same community. Oh, geez. Yeah. I think he's giving it up. Yeah. Most likely. But I was so, he sent me a clip.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. But it's a great guy, sweet guy. But I was like, this is too much. Yeah, that's not, that's stay off my turf. Yeah. So there's no one on the planet quite like you.

Your shape, your size, your emotional makeup, how tired you are, how well you sleep. So why would you buy a generic mattress built for everyone else? I took the sleep quiz at helixleep.com and I put in all the information about how I like to sleep, put in all the information of how my wife likes to sleep. The one thing we had in common was that we were both tired of our mattress, but the mattress is one of those purchases where you will realize you need a new mattress and kind of not act on it for three years, which is so stupid because what's better than sleep? what's more important than good sleep? Your mattress, out of everything in your place, that should be

the prime place. That should be the thing you take care of and you make sure is excellent. And Heelic Sleep helps you do that. Like I said, you take that quiz. My wife had all these different, she likes the mattress to be a little harder. She gets hotter at night. I like it a little musher, but not too mushy. And Heelick Sleep comes back and designed. you this perfect mattress. It really takes two minutes to do, complete it, matches your body type and your sleep preferences, and they'll send you this mattress. They have soft, medium, firm mattresses. They have Helix Plus mattresses for plus size folks. The mattress comes right to your door, ship for free. You don't have to go to a mattress store ever again. That's always a creepy

experienced laying on a mattress while his guys back from a cigarette break just staring at you. Helix was awarded the number one best overall mattress pick for 2020 by GQ and Wired Magazine. So go to HelixSleep.com slash Papa, take their quiz and get a new mattress for crying out loud. They have a 10-year warranty and you get to try it out for 100 nights risk-free. They'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it, not like it. it. Love it, but you will. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixleep.com slash papa. That's helixleksleep.com slash papa for up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows. You can't lose. Thank you, Helix. The,

Dad, this new version of the hot tub cigar guy, what was he when you were growing up? Kind of the same guy, just without the awareness of access to cigars. He hadn't figured out he can get cigars. Did he smoke cigarettes? Yeah, so he, I guess, I don't remember this, but I guess he was like super addicted to cigarettes. Hence my vape addiction. Right. Hey man, my mom.

My mom still loves her cigarette. She does. Yeah. You're all smokers. Except for my two sisters. Of course, because they're perfect. They're perfect. And they're girls.

They're women. Yeah, they'd only be able to smoke Virginia Slims. They're nice little dainty fingers. That would be a cigarette holder. Yeah. But yeah, my dad was addicted to cigarettes and then he got hypnotized. Ah. And he quit for the longest time.

Wow. But then he found cigars, and I guess that's the hypnosis loophole. Right. Where they only hypnotized him against one tobacco product. And he knows if he goes back, he'll probably quit them. Yeah, probably. Can I ask you as a daughter of a, as a dad who you love coming in after three cigars, and then you sit down to dinner with him when you see him? Yeah.

Is that offensive? I always... Oh yeah, we all harp on him. Yeah, that's the thing that stops me. Well, it's so funny because it really is his lifestyle. It's like my sister, both of them got married. And at my first, the first wedding, my first sister's wedding, we had to be like, Dad, you can't smoke cigars.

We had to like schedule the times where he could and couldn't smoke cigars. Right. She's like, I don't want it to smell like that on my dress. You're right. I don't want it to smell like that at the reception. Uh-huh. And so, yeah, luckily the venue for the party had like an outdoor smoking area. Yeah, it's a thing.

Like, I could smoke a cigar every day. I could walk out into the backyard and smoke before everyone comes home. But I just know how much, how disgusting they're going to think I am when I come in and sit down at dinner. Yeah. That's why I love my vape because I don't smell. Right. But then on the other side of that, it's like, yeah, I don't smell so I can just smoke all the time. Right, exactly.

There's nothing to stop yet. Because I was, when I first got this, I was going to my family's house for like Passover dinner or something. And she lives like an hour away from me. So I'm just smoking cigarettes in the car. And there's this one point where I get off the freeway. And I'm like, okay, I can't smoke any more cigarettes because I'm going to smell like that. My family's there. They don't know I smoke.

Right. So I'm like, I'll get one of these new drugs. dual things that everyone's smoking. And I get it and I'm like doing it in the car on the way over there. And I finally get to the house and I'm like, okay, I'll have to like sneak over to the bathroom so I can smoke in private. And all my cousins had vapes. And I was like, oh, this feels so good.

That's great. I don't have to be ashamed of it. Is it the same satisfaction as smoking a cigarette? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The nicotine is the overrime.

the overriding thing. It's not the fire, the smoke. No. For me, it's definitely just like my friend described it as I have busy fingers. I just need to be doing something. I need to be touching something. And I think I also have like an oral fixation, which is why I like food so much. I like my mouth needs to be busy.

I need to be munching on something, tasting something. My hands need to be busy. Yeah. So this is the perfect thing for that. What's your, what do you eat today? Well, um, this is bad. Why? Well, because, uh, I left my house relatively early to meet with a friend.

Uh-huh. And I didn't account for breakfast. Right. So then on the way over here, I stopped at 7-Eleven. I got my little vape pods. Mm-hmm. And then I was like, I should have a little snack so my stomach's not rumbling. Right.

So I got two baby bell cheeses. Nice. I got a twin. pack slim gym. You said that with aggression. I am. You were very, you were, you had a different, you had a different face when you said baby bell cheeses and then slim gym.

Slim Jim's hardcore. Slim Jim rocks. But I'm mad because they make you get two. It's two in one case. I just want one long, they're long. It's a long product. It really is. I only need one slim gym to tie me over.

And you, and it's, when you open it, they're open. No, no. No, thank God. They are split. They are split. Right, right. Well, that's good. And then you can save it. Well, yeah, I got one for the ride home.

And you can leave it in the car, even if it's 100 degrees, it'll be fine. Yeah, it's cooked now. Now I got a cooked medium ray or slim gym. That's a good, that's a good snack. Yeah, it's a great snack. Little cheeses and a slim gym. And then to balance it out, I got a little fruit cup. Oh.

So I got some mangoes and hickama with taheen and my diet Coke. Wow. Yeah, so I'm fed. What a great. That's a great 7-11 pit stop. 7-Elevens are really stepping up their food game. Are they? They have like salads there now.

I mean, I don't want to eat any of it. But it's nice to know that there's like, it feels like a food shelter. It's very funny because it's very similar to your mentality when you're drinking the Diet Coke. Like I'm so skinny. And now 7-Eleven has salads. You're like, I'm really shopping at the best places. Yeah. It feels like a food bank.

It feels like a school lunch. Do you make your own food when you're home? I'm working on it. I'm trying to be better about it. Do you have the knowledge and the aptitude for it and you let it go when she went out on your own? Or is it something that you never really did? I mean, I was always like a latchkey kid. Right.

Being the third and having like such a wide age gap between my sisters. Which is how long? Seven and five years. Uh-huh. By the time that I was around, my parents were like, you'll figure. it out. Right. They kind of retired. They like had me in there like, we've done it. Yeah. She's here. She'll figure it out. Dad's shopping for cigars. Yeah. Dad's watching Judge Judy. He's out smoking cigars. Um, so I always cooked for myself, but it was just like from what was laying around.

So a lot of like loose deli meats, a lot of different breads, a lot of cheese, a lot of butter, you know, I was making sandwiches. I was raised on sandwiches and cacadillas. And I make a really great sandwich in cassidia. What's your go-to cassidia? Casidia, I mean, I just lather on every cheese available. Whatever cheesy got. The cassidia is very simple. Yeah.

Maybe I'll add some refried beans or some black beans, maybe some avocado, a little sour cream. You know, I love a sauce. Right. But then with a sandwich, I make a good sandwich. You do. Oh, yeah. Because I'm not afraid to bulk it up. Right.

I make whatever's laying around. and I'll find a way to incorporate it into the sandwich. What is your go-to condiment? I do mustard, any kind of mustard. I'll add mayo. And then what really makes, what separates a good sandwich from a great sandwich is lemon pepper seasoning. Really? Mm-hmm.

And just like pepper, salt, any just kind of random spice. Peppers? I like, yeah, those like little, uh, sweet peppuccini sliced. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are good. That's good. That's really good. Uh, yeah, I like to do, um, I like to do, um, I like to do like a salad dressing, like an olive oil based salad dressing, like an Italian. Mix it together separate before it goes on the sandwich. Um, I'll just do the like pre-made salad dressing a little bit, drizzle it on. Right. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. I had salad. dressing to everything.

You do? I do. Like if I have like one day old pasta laying around, I'll heat it up and then I'll add a little bit of salad dressing just to get it a little loose. A little kick. Yeah. And rice, I add salad dressing to rice. Yeah.

I can see that more than the pasta. Added to everything. And I add promont cheese to everything. Do you have a go-to or do you make it yourself? A go-to. A good to. I'll make it myself. But there's, same with the diet.

I get Coke. It's like there's one salad dressing that I grew up on. And I try and switch it up. I try and make my own. I try and buy different brands. But that's just like that's home to me. What is it? It's like that, it's the green bottle and it's just like a, it's just like, it's straight up as just like Italian dressing. Right. Yeah. I like that you just add it on to pasta. Add it to everything. It's like your ranch. Yes, yeah. But it's skinny because it's Italian and orange. Right. It's European. Yeah. I'm sure that's what they're doing in Rome at the cafes.

I'm trying to, like, I want to be a meal prep person. What do you mean? I want to, like, buy my meals. I want to make them. I want to pack them out. Same with the clothing. Like, I want to do it in a very, like, systematic routine way. You mean for yourself?

For myself. So then you have all your meals lined up for like the week? Easy, breezy. Don't have to think about it. It's healthy. I made it. I'm not spending money eating out. Right.

But I went to Ralph's the other day. Mm-hmm. It's everything there is processed. Yeah. Because I get very specific. Like before I went, I was looking up easy meals to make for yourself. Yeah. And then I get all the ingredients.

And then I put it in a Google Doc, in a Google Drive. And I'm looking up the best, healthiest quality of, like, a tortilla wrap. Right. And I go to Ralph's and they just have everything is. so processed. You mean the ingredients for each of those things? Yeah, like when I look at the like package of tortillas, I'm like trying to read the ingredients so I can try and be healthier.

Right, right. And more conscious of what I'm eating. Yeah. And it's like enriched wheat flour, like everything's just processed. Right. And that added sugar. And then if you go to the places where you can get it a little healthier. It's so expensive.

Yeah. Yeah. It's really expensive. I'm realizing as I become more of an adult. I'm like everything to make myself a better version of me requires more money. Oh, yeah. There's something to that. Yeah.

It's crazy. Unless you go hard the other way. Where I become Amish and I make everything on my own. Yes, very simple. I would love to be Amish. Not a lot of variety, which it's kind of leaning towards what you're craving. Yeah. You could really just.

go very simple. Is the Amish a welcoming community? No, they wouldn't like you. Yeah, I would refuse to where the dress is. I'd be like, put me in the boy clothes. Yeah. I'll turn butter. I'll turn butter, butter, butter, and pants.

And then all the dudes are like, the elders are saying she's, you're a witch. I'm guessing. I have to burn me. But I figure this is the way it's going to go. Yeah. I don't see it. Unless you had like some mad skills. Like, if you worked on your.

your butter churning for a while before you showed up or your cow milking and you came in and they were skeptical, but then you win them over with your Amish skills. They might overlook your proclivity towards living under Satan's cloud. Sure. Yeah. You have to show up with something to offer. Right. They're not willing to train a full grown adult. That starts at age six. Yeah. They want to know that you can put up a side of a side of a. barn. Yeah. I think if anything, like if all were to completely crumble in my life, I would become a Mormon. You would? Yeah. Because I think that they love getting people on their team. And they all have really nice homes. Yeah. And they know how to do crafts. And I just think if everything were to crumble,

they'd take me in. They'd take you in. Yeah, I'd have a roof over my head. I'd have like 12 new siblings. I'd know how to make like a flowerless brownie. How you feel about sister wives? That sounds great. Really? Yeah. Then you have like one day out of the week to show up for someone.

The rest of your days. Then let somebody else handle it. Yeah. It doesn't sound too bad. You ever been to Salt Lake? Salt Lake City. Yeah, once or twice. It's a nice place.

It's really beautiful. The air is so nice. Oh my gosh. I went there during COVID to do a private show. Oh, yeah? For Tony Shea, the founder of Zappos, who sadly died a few weeks later. What? In a fire.

In a fire? Yeah, in a house fire. What? Yeah. That's a horrible story. Well, it's a really long story that I'll have to tell you another time. Yeah. But it was a crazy because there was a show at his home in Utah.

And he was just so rich because he had sold. sold, he had sold his company to Amazon. I hate. And it was just like a very odd look. Like, you know when you're reading stories about really wealthy people and you're like, they're probably normal? Yeah. But then there's the other end where you're like, well, they have this much money.

There's no way they're normal. Yeah. And then you see it in person and you're like, whoa. They're trying to be normal. Yeah. Is what you always come back to. So they, so that house that you did the show in is that. At the house that caught fire?

No. Oh. No. It was, uh, he had, like, traveled back east, and it was there when the fire happened. Jeez. Yeah. That's crazy. For a grown person to get caught in a fire like that.

Yeah, well, once it made sense seeing the way that he was living. Oh, really? Yeah. There were a lot of loose candles all around his bedroom. Oh, no. Yeah. So I was like, this makes sense. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. trying to find some spirituality after you have all the money in the world kind of a thing? No, not at all. Satanic? No, just kind of bizarre out there. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Wow. And he, did he, was he a fan of yours? Don't think so. Right. Not that he wasn't. I just don't think he was like paying attention much. Right. I'm trying to connect the wild.

It was just the means of living were very weird. Like the candles all over. It wasn't like Yankee candles in a glass. It was like just loose wax candles everywhere on the bed frames next to the bed, on the foot of the bed, in the bathroom, in the shower, on the toilet. There was like rocks or ice. I thought it was ice, but maybe it was like rocks in the toilet. Rocks in the toilet.

Yeah, like it looked like you dumped like a gallon bucket of ice in the toilet. It looked like that. But it might have been like clear rocks. I don't know what it was. That don't flush? No, I don't know where people are going to the bathroom. Oh, you mean there wasn't water in there? It was just rocks?

Just rocks. I mean, there might have been water. So you couldn't poop on the rocks? Mm-mm. Oh. Yeah. And then there were like mirrors everywhere, but hung in a very weird way. Like tiny mirrors just everywhere to reflect sunlight because there was something.

It was just very bizarre. Wow. Yeah. It's like something that I couldn't explain. Like I would have to like write a piece about it. Right. to like fully understand the concept. But I remember just being like,

this is such a beautiful place. Right. Like just Utah was so nice. Yeah. If, yeah, you, just as a, the mountains, Utah is a gorgeous, gorgeous state. It's got all those great canyon lands. Mm-hmm. Like, your dad would really love to like look at all the Western kind of stuff.

Smoke cigars. Yeah, like it looks like you're driving through a Western. But then the North is all like, beautiful birch trees and mountainous and it is gorgeous. Yeah. Maybe his house is available. Maybe. I mean, there's money properties.

Right. I love like the opposite of that. I love a beautiful place that's filled with trash. Like Lake Havasu. Uh-huh. That's a dream to me. Why? Because my vision of myself, like in another life.

Right. I live in Lake Havasu. I'm a 45 to 50 year old woman with leathery, freckled skin. Right. Hard living. And I have a tiny little bikinis. I've had a pretty bad boob job. You partied hard in your 20s?

Oh, yeah. Right. And I'm kind of keeping it going. Right. I live on the water, which sounds nice, but if you saw it, you wouldn't be that impressed. Dirty flip flops? Dirty flip flops. I got one of those long Marlboro Reds.

I got long acrylic nails like I have now. What's your? voice like? It's similar to this, but more gravelly. Sounds like I just swallowed a bit of dirt. Like you were in the, like, yeah, like that. Hey, boys. Right. Yeah.

I want to come on my boat. Yeah. I need some money for gas. Yeah. You fill it up. I'll give you a ride. Yeah. But the gas isn't for my car. I got a DUI.

So now I just stick to boats. Right. That's my thing. Yeah. I could see, I can see this because I think, for what you're describing of how you eat, I think that that doesn't change too much. It's conducive to this said lifestyle. I would say the only difference is she's happy that Slim Jim's come in twos.

Yeah, her fridge is stocked with Slim Jims. One for me, one for you. She cares about sharing. Right. Pleasing others in the form of Slim Jims. Is she live with anyone? You know, occasionally she'll have the visitor, whether it's like a distant relative who's made a grave mistake.

Right. Or just like a good friend that she met at a bar. Just passing through town and they've hit it off. Any exes roll in? Oh, yeah. Those are her neighbors. She's dated everyone in her small community. This sounds nice.

It does sound nice. What is it about the desolate part of it, the grimy part of it that appeals to you? It's simple. It's simple and it's fun. Right. Like to her, she's the queen. She's got a. boat. She's got her cigarettes. She's got her home. Right. Like all of it to her is the best.

Okay. But what is the, why does the current alley, why would she have a problem with actually living like that? Because I have too many dreams and desires. Right. You know. But the other part of me that's just, you know, living for the moment. Just giving up. That's, that's me in like Khabisu. Do you think that that version is ultimately happier? than you? Potential. I think the means to be happy or easily accessible.

Mm-hmm. You know, she might get... But there's... It's a hard life, though, unless you've got some cash stashed away. Yeah. Because eventually, the way you're living,

your diabetes is going to flare up. Well, the cash that I make in Havasu is that version of myself is from hosting the karaoke nights at the local bar. Right. So I make a decent living. You know, it pays my mortgage.

If you run into trouble, you're in trouble. Yeah. You're in trouble. But, you know, maybe one of my exes will help me out because we've got a decent relationship. Right. Maybe you picked up Obamacare. Sure, yeah. It all gets taken care of somehow.

Right. Yeah, I'm on Obamacare, but I hate his politics. Right. Yeah, you don't call it Obamacare. No. I just call it that assistance thing. Right. The health care.

Yeah. My health care. Mm-hmm. My health care. Yeah. Yeah, because I have these fantasies too. I talked about it in my act a while ago that it was living at the Jersey Shore working in a bagel shop.

Yeah, see? Yeah. And you just clock in, you do the bagel stuff. By three, you're done. Yeah. And you got some hard bagels you can give to your girlfriend. And you just kind of hang at the beach and you fish a little and get drunk and fall asleep at nine and do it all again tomorrow.

Yeah. And it seems very simple. It seems like pretty good. know if my busy mind would allow me to do it. I think I'd have to be pretty intoxicated. Sure. I think that either smoking a lot of weed or drinking a good amount just to turn off the motor that wants to make stuff. Yeah. You know? And I think that's why we don't live in the Jersey Shore or in Havasu. Do you think that you when you are in Havasu, is there an artistic bent, do you make something like figurines out of your co-cans or wind chimes?

I'm sure there's some sort of project that I would get myself into. A lot of half-finished projects. Yes, that's what I picture it. I'm like, this week I'm doing bracelets. Next week I'm making, you know, dream catchers or whatever. Yeah. There's always something that I'm kind of toying with that I've just discovered on Instagram Reels.

Building a waterfall at the corner of your trailer. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, one time I went to someone I knew their family member lived in a trailer. Uh-huh. But not a trailer, a mobile home. Mm-hmm. And I was like, this is nice.

Yeah. It's great. Yeah. I was in one. I dated a girl whose parents had one. And it wasn't their primary residence, but they were there a lot. And I always remember I got in trouble because I, I flush something in the toilet and like you're not allowed to, they knew that I don't,

I think, I don't know, but I forget even like you couldn't even, it was like you could use two pieces of toilet paper, two squares, anything other than that, the pipe started to rattle or something happened and I got in trouble. I was like, maybe I'm not cut out for this life. I've been a person who gets in trouble for my bathroom manners. Oh, really? Yeah, because growing up, I'd always clog a toilet. It was just something that I had to learn to deal with.

Someone's always getting angry about their plumbing and... Your dad's coming in and asking if you'd flush something. And it always hurts your feelings because you're like, I can't control this. I didn't mean to do this. I'm sorry, you have weak pipes. Right. Sorry, I have a weak intestine. Yeah, and you're shaming me for my body.

Yeah, don't feed me pizza when I'm lactose intolerant. and then blame me for clogging your toilet. Who's blaming you? These are friends, friends, I went with my friend to, potentially like, Kavasu,

and we were staying at wherever, I don't know what it was. Maybe a mobile home. Right. I don't know what it was, but we were staying there and I used the restroom, clogged the toilet,

and then they were mad at me. Like, she still brings it up to this day. She was like, yeah, I saw my aunt the other day. She asked how you were. It's a big deal. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I'm still thinking about clogging that toilet also. Yeah. Because it becomes public knowledge. They don't just take you aside and say, hey, they like take your friend and they scold your friend on your behalf. And it's a whole, it's a big mess. Yeah. You prompted a dream. I had a dream last night when you said the trailer that I had a, there was a giant deer like with a buck like in my yard.

somehow got over the fence and was in my yard and couldn't get out. Have you looked up what that means? Probably means you're having a crisis and you're out of control. What? That's what all dreams mean. Right, exactly. You're always like, you're out of control. You feel like there's no control.

And I'm like, isn't that just the human experience? Yeah, isn't that just called being a person? Yeah. That was the thing about getting COVID was, it was really no more than a head cold, but it's like you're tired. and you're kind of stuffy, you don't really feel like doing much? Yeah.

Okay. So how's this different from last week? Yeah. I know it's so fun. I keep seeing all these posts and it's just when a bunch of people do something, it's just funny to me. A flash mob, it's funny for a reason. There's a lot of people doing one thing.

Yeah. And now on Instagram, whenever someone gets COVID, they have to make the post. So glad I got the booster and the vaccine. I feel awful. My chest hurts. My head hurts. I feel terrible, but it would have been so much worse if I had it. And I'm like, you're not selling me on this booster and vaccine.

Yeah. I mean, I got it, but it's like people just feel the need to say that they did get it. Yeah. But then go on to explain how terrible they feel. Right. And it would have been so much worse. I would have been dead if I didn't do it. Okay.

I know. Just keep it to yourself. Keep it to yourself. Just keep it to yourself. Yeah. I don't need to. I had a bad thing, though. I went back up to Northern California. Without me? Without you.

Wow. I know. Wow. I felt bad. For what? Wait, wait, don't tell me. You know the NPR show? Mm-mm.

It's this NPR show and I was a guest on it. So I flew up. And because I still had the residual clogginess and took off from Burbank and it just pitches so high in my ear clogged so intensely that I lost my equilibrium. Do you get vertigo? Mm-hmm. Oh, awful. How long did you have it for?

It was bad. I mean, I felt the, I got it to pop eventually before we landed and it, like, stopped the spinning, but the residual shaky feeling, nauseous, shakiness, all of that stayed, uh, for like a day. Oof. Yeah, it was brutal. Vortigo is kind of fun. It just makes you realize how powerful your body is.

Yeah. Because you're like there's nothing I can do. I literally feel like I'm about to fall over. Yeah. When did you get it? I got it maybe five or six years ago. Had it really bad. And I went to the doctor.

And they were like, yeah, what happens is like you have these little crystals in your ear. And when they kind of get messed up, there's really, nothing you can do. You just have to let it heal on its own. And it was just such a trippy experience. Oh, how long did it last? Because you're vulnerable. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe like four days. Yeah. Oh, that's a horrible feeling, though the nauseous, the nausea of it. I never got nauseous. No. It was mostly just like if I was doing laundry and bending over, I was like, oh. I'm still going. Yeah. It happened to my wife once when we were driving by Boston and she bent down in the front seat to get something as I hit the brakes.

And that crystal thing, like the shift. Oh, yeah. And she was messed up for, like, we're supposed to see, like, all the Boston stuff with my kids. And she was just a wreck. Yeah. It's brutal. Oh, it was a horrible feeling.

And then I had to fly back the next day. And I was just Sudafed and gum and water and just on that flight, like, please don't, please don't, please don't. It's a horrible feeling. Do you think it's connected because I didn't ask you to come? Yeah, maybe that was your punishment. Karma. Yeah.

I'm sure NPR would have loved to have me. Yeah, you'd be good on that show. You don't know that show? It's the most popular NPR show. It's been on for like 20-something years. What is it about? It's a news quiz show. Oh, that's fun.

Paula Poundstone is on it all the time. Cool. A lot of good comedians. Alonso does it. She's so cool. Like any time. I wear a blazer. I'm like, look at me.

Paula in it up. A young Paula. Like, it's so cool to wear. See, that's the thing. She wore the blazer. Yeah. And that's like a signature thing. You identify.

Yeah. I need something. Yeah. Yeah. But is the eyebrows similar to the flash mob, though? Is it the posting about how much worse COVID would have been without the vaccine? Is it a moment? Or is it a...

It's a moment, but the nice thing about bleaching the eyebrows is you could dye it back. Right. You know? But I'm saying like long term, I don't know if it's your thing. Unless everybody goes... No. Unless I look really, really cool with it. Yeah.

Unless I see myself in my mirror and I start going... Then I'll keep it. But if not, it'll just be fun temporarily. So that's the thing. I like trying things out. Like you didn't know me before, but I used to have platinum blonde hair, bleached blonde hair. Right.

I'd dye it. I'd have like the ends of it be neon green. I'd have streaks in it of different colors. I had a rainbow hair color at one point. So am I meeting the most conservative version of you? Yeah. This is like back to the roots. Really?

Really? Yeah. Interesting. And it is boring. Yeah, it gets boring. You got to change it up every once in a while. My kids were right. Like they shouldn't be dressing like the dads at the thing.

Yeah. You know, you got to jazz it up. The look I'm going for now. I like this. Is the, you do? I like it. Yeah,

this is the, this is like the, this is like the, Rodney Dangerfield casual. Yeah. Tony Sopranos light. Like a guy

who always has money in his pocket. So he's handing out to kids on the side. Like, don't tell your mother. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, here you go.

Don't tell your mother. Yeah. That's the look I'm, I'm embracing now. It's good. You think it work? It'll work. Terry cloth.

A little Terry cloth. It's perfect if you happen to get wet. Yeah, I can go to a pool party. and do my set. And not be afraid. And not be afraid. Have you ever done comedy on a cruise? I did a private event on a small cruise.

So a yacht. Yeah, I guess, yeah. It was, like, I don't know. It had rooms. It had, but, like, you're, like, with a number on it. Is that still a yacht? No. Like, it was, like, for maybe 20 couples.

Okay. That had their, like, you know what I mean? Yeah. It wasn't a big cruise ship, but it wasn't small. There was an intimate cruise. Yeah, kind of. I think I did it for Toyota. Whoa.

And it was horrible because with my inner ear thing, I think this is all connecting. I started getting nauseous on boats, which I'd never been before. And this was pretty rough, and the boat's not that big. And I literally did the set, holding a little bit. onto a pole, like a brass pole. Yeah. Yeah, it wasn't that great. Why do you ask? Just the Terry cloth and... Right. And then I was just, you know, some comics really want to be like cruise comics. Like that's the dream for them. Yeah. I have a buddy that's doing it now. Yeah. And it seems fun. Yeah, he's single. He's having a great time. He's making money with no expenses. Yeah. But I did

comedy on a cruise once and it was so fun. Yeah. Just the cruise in general. The shows were fun, but just the whole experience of it. Yeah. I'm a sucker for like gross fun things. Yeah, there's a trashy side to you. Oh yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Like I love going to Disneyland. Mm-hmm. And I've aged out of it, but I still love it. Yeah. There's something so fun about it. I love cruises. Yeah. There is that thing. It's like you could fight against all this stuff. and just be battling your whole life, or you could just kind of embrace it once and a while and go with it. Yeah.

Those people are having a good time. Oh, yeah. They're having fun in Lake Havasu. Yes, exactly. You know what I mean? That's the thing. It's like everyone in Lake Havasu is just having a blast. They're having a blast.

Nothing is that important. Nope. News schmooze. Yeah. Getting a little wasted. But you're sober, right? I am. So that's going to be it.

But I like, I still like. that kind of external environment to a degree. You can just take the Diet Coke thing to an extreme. You're doing like 20. When you're sober, you start getting creative. It's like the way I make a sandwich. I'm like, okay, we got Diet Coke, a little bit of Red Bull, maybe I'll add a lime, some grenadine, maybe some juice to keep it skinny if I add 100% fruit juice.

Yeah. Well, this is nice to know. You're kind of leading me in a direction like, you know, like I'm on a flight a lot of it. And I'm like, this guy's just getting trashed. I'm three bloody marries before we take off. I'm like, what's wrong with this guy? Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing, not a thing. He's enjoying himself. He's having a good time. Have you ever, I feel like I need to get my ears checked because the other day my ears popped. Mm-hmm. And all of a sudden I could hear like 10 times louder. And I was like, is this the noise? Is this the sound that I'm supposed to be hearing?

But it only like popped open for a second. You might have wax. No, I got one of those, there's these things that you can buy. It's like a, it's a scooper that has a camera on it, a tiny camera. So you can pick your ears and look at it on your phone live. Really? And so it shows you all the wax. Oh, it's so fun.

It's so fun. I love it. And how do you get it out? Well, it has a little scooper attached to the end. And you start to... Baskin-Robbins. You're just scooping away, getting all the flavors. Getting all 32.

Yeah. So why do you think you were able to hear then? I don't know. I had like an ear surgery when I was really little. Oh, yeah? My ear tubes. I got my tubes tied. Yeah, as a child.

When I was a baby. Yeah, I had like you station tubes or something like that. And so I feel like maybe there's some residual effects. That's weird. That's this issue. It's always in this left ear. And I've had it like if I swim in the summer and then get on a flight, I'll have to fight that vertigo thing.

It's all little ear tubes. Yeah. And there's all these little tiny hairs that are so important. And the little crystals, which sounds fake and made up. Yeah. See, but here's the thing. If you're living in Lake Havasu, you go in that lifestyle. Anything that comes up like that, like your vertigo or whatever, you're just going to have to deal with it.

Oh, I mean, that's what I'm doing right now. I have no health insurance. So I'm like... Why don't you have Obamacare? I didn't realize you have to like get on it as soon as you turn 26. I thought you could just sign up whenever. I didn't realize it's kind of like car insurance. Oh, yeah.

There's like a lapse period. So I have to wait until like October or November. Oh, but you can do it. Yeah. Right. But then you have to know words like deductible and premium. You don't really. You just have to know them for a second when you're making the decision.

Then you forget about them. Okay. And you don't really remember what they are. Because I just, I had such good health insurance that I'm like, I still want to be able to go to the doctor all the time. You like that? I love going to the doctor. Yeah. But I don't really necessarily need to.

So it's hard to figure out. Yeah. What plan. Yeah. Well, you got to get it all dialed in before you go to Havasu, because once you get there, you're not going to be seeing a lot of doctors. I have a feeling I'll step on a rusty nail. Yeah. That's just something that I feel like happens in Havasu.

Yeah. The way that in L.A. you might get a speeding ticket. In Havasu, you might step on a loose nail. The only open question is when you step on it, is it before or after you've gotten the gout? Oh, good question. Before. probably before so that's going to hurt i feel like though you just kind of you're just running it you're like you're just running this jalopy as hard and long as you can and you know it's you're going to

burst a hose at some point you're going to flame out but that's that's all part of it the whole motto is not here for a long time here for a good time and you have a shirt that says that you're wearing a lot of t-shirts with sayings on them that was one of your art projects you started making signs off of all driftwood on it. Ironing graphic designs on the t-shirt. All right. Well, when we first met, I gave you a bread that I had

that was like an extra that wasn't really, it was like, it came with a caveat. It was your car bread. It was my car bread. I had to let you know this was bread that was on its way out, but still good. And you enjoyed it somewhat.

It was great. Now this bread is, is, is prime time. So it's going to come with no excuse. For camera purposes. This is a beautiful bread. Yeah. So make one of your famous sandwiches on it.

I will. I'm bummed. I just went grocery shopping and I bought bread, but obviously this takes precedence. Yeah. And that bread from the supermarket. It's no good. It'll last probably for three weeks.

Yeah. Yeah, have it in the fridge. Yeah, it's got all the processed stuff in it. Yeah. Now, this will be good. I'm very excited. I do need to get a knife for it. Yeah, you need a knife.

The serrated knife. The ones with like the big grooves. Yeah. That's what you need. I know the kind. I'll pick one up on my way home. Yeah, get it. I might, I mean, honestly, what I'll probably do on my way home, I'll probably break it and just kind of.

It's just start gnawing on it. Yeah, like a crow. Wrap some slimmed shim around it. Yeah. I mean, that's not a bad combo. I wish I had one baby bell. to just smear on there. It would be really good.

That would be good. Is there anything that people need to know about you? You can follow me on Instagram at Not Allie Mac. You can go to my website, Alleymukovsky.com. And hopefully I'll be performing in your city and you can see me live. Yeah. Where's your next show?

San Jose. Really? Oh, you're going back. Do you want a feature for me? I would love to. I want to do a tight 20. I would love that. Perfect.

Just do 20. That'd be a dream. Do you ever miss, like, just featuring, like, just having fun doing a 20 minute? Yeah, the same way that I miss, like, being in college. Sure. It's like, wow, that was a fun, carefree time. Yeah. There was no responsibility.

There was no press. There was no drawing the crowds. There was, yeah. Things are better, but you look back at that time, like, God, that was fun. Yeah. Yeah. It was so fun getting the feature for you. Yeah.

Because I was like, no one's here to see me. There's no pressure. I can just have fun. Yeah. Try out some new stuff and like, whatever, if it doesn't work. That's the best. Tom's good enough to bring it back if I destroy it. And you did great.

That's always a treat when people are like, she was great. Like people discover. Yeah. And they're like, and wait a minute. Yeah. And who was that? Like you were bringing someone horrible. It was the plan.

Yeah. You know. You're like, I can't believe there was someone. else funny on this show. It's crazy. Well, hopefully we'll get to do more shows. Yeah. When you're not headlining, we'll make the cash right or I'll just pay you in bread.

I'm happy. I love carbs. Now that I know there's a trashy side to you, I don't really have to sweeten the pot all that much. I could just be like, hey, you want to do this gig? We're going to be sour cream and onion potato chips in the green room. Yeah, I'm sorry I can't pay you real money, but we have a T-shirt canon that you can shoot off if you'd like.

Loaded with Diet Coke's in the green room. Yes. Well, thanks, Ellie. This was really fun. Thanks, Tom. And congratulations on not having your podcast anymore. Yeah. Whoa.

That was weird sound. It's haunted. We got it, Aaron. All right, there you go. There's Ali Makowski. I told you she was funny. She's funny and creative. Go see her live.

Not Ali Mac on Instagram. keep track of her. She's going to do a lot of great things. Thank you, Allie, for being on the program. And thank all of you for listening. Thank you for being good supporters of this podcast. Thank you to Helix Sleep. And we'll see you all next time.