Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 132 - Joey Diaz Returns

Episode Date: November 22, 2022

My good pal Joey Diaz is coming in like a gravy covered Thanksgiving Day Parade. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, it's also a show. Hey, everybody, welcome to another edition of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. I am Tom Papa. Thank you for joining us at the table, metaphorical, once again. Hope you're doing well. This is it, kids. This is it. This episode is actually going to roll us right into, into the,

prime time right into Thanksgiving. Oh, Nelly. And no one better to check in with than the great Joey Diaz. Joey, I haven't, we text once and a while, we go back and forth.

I haven't had a chance to actually check in and this is what happened with Joey. Joey, very funny comedian. As you know, he's got the his podcast, Uncle Joey's joint he's got a hilarious pocket.

He's just one of the funniest people. Rogan always says he's the funniest person that he knows. There's nothing funnier or better when he would go on Rogan and just watch Joe completely lose it during Joey's rants. So he ended up leaving Los Angeles and going back to New Jersey, where he spent a good portion of his young life. And as someone who, who grew up there as well and knows the food that he is around.

There's nothing better within checking it with Joey every once in a while and getting a rundown of what he is eating in New York tri-state area. He's such a special person and he really, really makes me laugh. And we're going to check in with him today. Today's podcast is brought to you by tompapa.com. We just released all of our dates. for the first part of the year, the 2023 tour. Very exciting.

We're going to a big show at Town Hall in New York City. We're going to Denver. We're going to Chicago. We're going to D.C. A lot of great places. Charlottesville, a ton of dates, all on sale now. And this is all right on the heels of my new Netflix special. What a day that is airing, premiering.

global release. I feel like that's the way we should talk about it, that it's global premiere. Because it's Netflix. It literally is global. But I feel like the world premiere, the world premiere of what a day. The new special is December 13th on Netflix. It feels right. It feels like it's going to be cold and starting to feel like Christmas. It's going to be definitely Christmas time. There's going to be lights. There's going to be fires. There's going to be cookies. And then the special comes out.

That seems appropriate, doesn't it? Seems good to me. So December 13th. Go to Tompapa.com for all of that good stuff. My parents are coming into town. We're very excited. They haven't been here in probably four years because you had to add for the pandemic and whatever miss visits right before that.

they would always come from back east and come out like two times a year, so they haven't been here in quite some time. They don't even know Frank. They have not even met the now world famous Frank, the pug. And Bella was a baby when they were here. So that's very exciting. It's going to be good. And they're going to roll with us right into Thanksgiving.

I ordered my turkey. I gave you advice. I hope you followed it. to get your turkey early because slim pickings out there, the avian flu, didn't really make that much news because I think people are just like, you know, we're not going to talk about another virus with anybody. Let's just, we're just getting out of this ourselves. Just leave us alone.

But hopefully you got your turkey. As this comes out, we're just a couple of days away. I am actively right now trying to be a little less fancy. with it all. I have some basic ideas of, I was on my radio show, I was talking with my co-host Fortune and she's like, corn pudding. Oh, corn pudding. Look that up on the internet. Look up pepper jelly and cream cheese with Ritz crackers. You know what I mean? Like, why not look up some of that classic casserole kind of stuff and throw a couple fun dishes in. I mean, look, we've gotten, we've gotten farm to table, we've got artisanal, we've got the special organic turkeys.

It's all good. It's all delicious. Why not trash it up a little bit? You know what I mean? Why not reach back into the past and get a little silly? And I guarantee you, you get a little silly with it, people are going to devour it. It's going to seem decadent. We were literally talking this morning about taking a block of cream cheese, putting it on a plate, putting green pepper jelly on top of it, ritz crackers is around the outside, and that's it. How long is that going to take to make? 30 seconds. And I've never had it. I guarantee it. I would enjoy it.

And so will your guess? So you know what I mean? Why not go back to some of those little simple, nutty, high cholesterol things? Corn pudding? Have you ever had corn pudding? I have not. I've never had corn pudding. I get an idea.

I mean, look, I'm not saying I'm going to go all in. I'm still going to have my string beans that I make all the time. I'm still going to make my stuffing. I'm not going to cheat on that. I have this great recipe for stuffing with bacon and leaks. Definitely happening. I've already pre-ordered wine. I've stocked up on wine.

We're ready to go. We are definitely ready to go. So I'm just saying for some fun, why not reach back into 1960s America or current day if you're in the South? And, yeah, trash it up a little bit. Go something silly. If something is involving a can of mushroom soup, you know you're good. There was a thing I saw online with a, it was like a tray with like Fritos and bugles on the around like the dish.

And in the middle is the dip. Tom, that doesn't sound like that exciting. That doesn't sound so weird. No, no, no, no, no. The dip was of a consistency that was so thick that they could make it into a tree, kind of like a cone. And they literally, I guess, with your hands, make the dip rise into a tree in the center of your fritos and bugles. Probably won't do that one.

but I am intrigued. Go on the internet, look up weird, Thanksgiving things that we used to do in this great country of ours, and you will be thankful that you live in a place where food could actually just be amusing. What a blessing that is. Well, you guys, I hope, honestly,

that you have a great holiday. Like I said before, I don't think that you should worry too much about losing one. weight at this point. Stay healthy for your brain. Still work out. Still do things that are going to make you feel mentally good and relieved. But let yourself off the hook a little bit. Make a giant tree out of dip. This corn pudding thing, I guarantee you, your doctor would not approve. Absolutely not. A block of cream cheese with pepper jelly? No, absolutely not. But there's

the time to worry about that, is it? This is the time to enjoy yourself. And I thank you all for listening because, you know, it's really been nice going out and doing these shows and having people come up and say that they, that they listen. And it really does mean a lot and it continues to grow. And I am thankful for that. Have a great holiday. Enjoy the great Joey Diaz. There we go. Ah, There we go. There's that face. What's up, you bad motherfuckers? Good to see you.

Good to see you, my friend. What's going on? Man, oh, man. It's good. I was cruising around back east, doing some shows, and you would give me the idea of a restaurant near Red Bank, and I literally ran out of time and couldn't go over there. No, I took a Red Bank Saturday.

And I was going to hit you up in the morning. And then I got busy. I had a softball tournament with my daughter. So, you know, it's just a lot right now. Yeah. You know, people have no fucking idea at how much I'm in it now. Like in Jersey, in a community, like, you know. Yeah.

I can stand up maybe once a week now. Really? I was thinking about that. I don't go into the city at all. No? No. I dabbed the residency over there. And I go over there once a month to the Sony Theater, the Sony Hall.

Uh-huh. That's it. Wow. And do you miss it or is it a nice pace? I'm at a point right now where I don't know what the fuck I want to do. Uh-huh. You know, it's like sometimes you have to let the universe let you know what the, fuck you want by pointing you in certain directions.

Like my movie careers in this shit up. I auditioned. I fucking, I had like four great auditions and I couldn't book one of them. And then the movie that I did get got pushed back. That was the one you were telling me about. Yeah. So that got pushed.

And then stand up. I got back here. It was the pandemic. You know, I had a little bit of fear to me so I didn't want to fuck around. And then I tried it. And I just felt clunky up on state, Tom. Just really clunky. So I said, fuck it.

Let me take some time off and see what the hell I'm doing with my life. And then after about a year and a half, I got up again. And it felt okay a couple times. But then once I started doing 45 minutes sets, it got clunky again. Yeah. Well, it takes time. I mean, that's a lot of time off. That's, you know, because I come in, I come in.

and do the Come to Papa show down at the Village Underground. And I often think, I wonder if Joey would be interested in coming in and doing a set on it. What nights are you here? It's usually on a Tuesday. It's like once a month, once every two months. It's at the Village Underground. It's like we record it for Sirius XM. And everybody does just like an eight to ten minutes set.

And then there's like sketches and music and that kind of thing. Yeah, I can do that. That's fine. You would do that? Yeah, I could live with that. I just, I'm having a hard time with responsibility. Like, this is what happened. When I was, I always loved doing comedy.

I mean, it saved my fucking life. I love it, you know? Yeah, yeah. But somewhere along the line, like, 2015, 16, I just started feeling weird. Something wasn't right. Mm-hmm. To get bouts of anxiety really bad.

And then the pandemic happened. Mm-hmm. And I felt like I was. was really fucking burnt out, Tom. Like, I just was extremely, those were the roughest 10 years of my life. Yeah. 2009 to 2013.

We were all in, plus to 20 years before that, you know. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know what the fuck is going on, Tom. I'm happy. So when you say, when you say, Joe, you had anxiety,

was that stage anxiety or just in life anxiety? I had every type of anxiety. Something was not right. And it took time, had to go to therapy and talk to somebody for a while. It took time and now I feel comfortable in my skin again. Right. But yeah, it's like I like doing podcasts, but not too many of them. Yeah.

I like doing comedy, but I can't get overwhelmed like that again with podcasts and fucking on the road every weekend. theaters. Yeah. Years than getting on a plane on Saturday. You know, and on top of that, I have a 10-year-old daughter. Yeah. I really like spending time.

Like, I just walked in. She was getting to the bus. You know, she's doing homework. She got a snack. I gave her a yoho, a fucking you. Down here doing a podcast, and then I got to take her at 415 to kickboxing. And then if mom works late tonight,

I'm going to fucking take it a dinner. That is pretty great. I mean, there's nothing better. And, you know, I was just going through, I had this old hard drive from my old computer. And I was looking for some old stuff. And I got into all the videos from when my girls were growing up around the AIDS that you're in.

And, man, I know it's so cliche, but it went so fast. I now have these grown women. And you just see those little moments of like just screwing around going for ice cream, just dancing in the living room, all of that stuff. And I have to say, as much as I love your comedy, I won't advise you to leave home. Man, you couldn't get me to leave here. It's ridiculous. I turn down everything.

I turn down everything Like everything People contact me for that First off I can't see myself getting on a plane Like I put I give myself little tests You know I'm gonna do this And then I'm like I'm not getting on a plane and fucking this

That's not happening Like I'm just not getting on a plane Oh my God The fuck to tell people anymore Whether I'm just taking a son I'm just being a dent honest. That's all I want.

All the people I hang out with here are all parents. Oh, really? They don't talk me about Instagram. They don't know anything about what I do. Really? I give them edibles and they're happy. I give them little edibles and they're happy. The parents are happy.

I got kids over my house every fucking day. I go shopping with my daughter, a girlfriend, and the little brother Joey. Fucking six and he's a fucking six. and he's a fucking savage. Last week I took him the colds and he got on top of a mannequin to have on and he started kissing

and squeezing the tit. I'm going to throw me under the fucking jail if I hang him with the kid. But that's it, man. I still do my bonnets. I still do my bonnets. Tell me about your weed schedule now because, you know,

you've, I always, as I'm running around, hustle it. And I always go off to the dispensary because I grew up in New Jersey and it was illegal and I was so paranoid my whole life. And now you can just buy it. And then I buy it and bring it home and I hardly ever use it. Oh, you got to start using it. It's tremendous. What's your schedule?

What's a typical day? Well, I've got to tell you something, Tom Papp, but that's the other thing. That's the other thing. Like, when I moved here, I was drinking, you know, a cup of coffee in the morning. maybe two, American coffee, you know. And then I would take a shower, eat breakfast, and I would start with the expressos. Not the Starbucks expressos,

Cuban expressos. And I would do two of those before I left, and then two of them at like two or three. And this is my secret. Everybody always thought I was doing drugs or whatever. My secret at the store was four fucking expressos, Cuban, with a ton of sugar, and three, four hundred

milligrams of edibles. That's where I'm at my fucking home right there. Like that's, I'm home. Nothing makes my dick harder than hitting an espresso and doing two bong hits in the morning just to balance you out. Woo!

A hit of a fucking Cuban cigar to test the lungs and to test your fucking heart that day. A Cuban cigar at 8 in the morning. Oh, my God. You're fucking on fire at the gym. You're humming at that fucking gym. But when I moved here, I stopped drinking espresso.

My wife told me. She goes, I bought 10 pounds of fucking espresso, and you have not touched one of them. So I don't drink espresso no more. Why? What happened? Dog, listen, just getting out of that lifestyle in L.A. Just removing myself from it.

I didn't need it anymore. Right. And then the fucking the reefer, oh, my God, in L.A. I was smoking an eighth of day. Easy. That was just easy. Then you go down the store and you're smoking down there with the fucking organ player and shit. With HIV on the fucking paper.

I miss that dude. That's why I don't think I can ever go back to the store. Jeff, Jeff. Jeff did my, Jeff did music. I had little secrets at the store. Jeff brought me up to music for a reason. Me and Jeff had worked that out for 20 years. He knew.

that I could so I had secrets that people go how do you kill well here's the secrets espresso and Jeff that's how it fucking kill it he was the best he cared so much about the comics he cared so much about the store and just for our listeners he would be he's on the stage on the side of the stage at the original room and it just added like a show business element he had his keyboard and he would play everybody on and off and he passed last year, I guess. What a loss. What a loss.

He was such a great guy. Great guy. I mean, I can't even go in there without. I don't think I could make. I was telling Rogan yesterday. I go, you know, another thing, Doug Stanhope used to always goof on Rogan that he couldn't make it without the store. Rogan moved away twice and moved back.

And Doug Stanhope used to always go, he ain't going nowhere. He could go anywhere without the store. And I used to giggle. Now that person is me. I can't do anything without the store. The store was my, you know, when you go on a boat, what do they put on your? Lifeguard, what's that shit? Life preserver.

Life preserver. The comedy store was there for me since 97. Wow. It was my life preserver in a way. Whatever was going on, I took it down there and that's where it was settled. Right. You know, whatever's going on in your act, you take it down there, and that's where it's fucking settled. So I think that affected me a little bit.

I got three shows left. I got Philadelphia, which I fucking live, and I got two New York City things. And then I got the book coming out in April, and then I'm going to think about what I really want to do. Right. I'll pick up a few shows here and there. You know, the city's just so tough for me to go in, find parking, walk two, blocks i hate that shit well that's the thing that's the thing that really it wasn't about getting on stage it was i don't know i don't want to burden joey with having to come into the city fine

parking in the village have to come into the show i just knew that that part of it would be a major pain in the ass for you ready for this this is how i do it though i leave here about four o'clock and i go up to cliffside park and i go to my favorite join up north called rudy's seafood I go in there and I get the fucking escarole and beans or the Rhode Island clams shattered. I do a half water, a calamar fried, extra crispy with shrimp with the medium sauce, and give me a cup of the fucking sweet sauce. And then I have my double espresso there because I ate. And then I take my fucking car to the ferry. I park it.

I pay the 18 for the ferry. the ferry lands at 20 whatever street, whatever the fuck it is, and I take an Uber to you. I take an Uber back at 10 o'clock because I got till 10.50 during a week and 1150 on the weekends. And I take the same fucking ferry

across the Jersey, the Edgewater, and then I fucking get my car, and I head north. I love the picture of you after the night, being back on a boat going back to New Jersey. It's fucking tremendous, that ferry. I love it. It's the best $18.

It's the best $18 I'll spend. Yeah. Because it's easy. That's the easy thing for me in the world. Me fucking going in and parking. And, you know, every time you make a right, there's a bike laying and shit to get it. That's not fucking happening. I'm not doing it because I don't know where I'm going.

It's just a time. I'm going to get to your gig late. And then I got to tell you a story how I couldn't find parking. I couldn't. I didn't know where the fucking village was. You know, I'm all out of that, Luke. And New York City is completely different. So, you know, you come out. I don't know if you've been to the city like at 6 o'clock at night.

It turns into fucking everybody's got to get the shape. That used to be the city that nobody gave a fuck. Now go over there at 6.6.30. Everybody's running on a bike. They do yoga out in the ocean. On the Hudson River, they do yoga, you know. I'm sorry. You froze for a second there.

Can you say that again? When you land in fucking New York at 6 o'clock at night, everybody's fucking Johnny exercise now. New York City, nobody got to shake. People were drinking, snort and coke, fucking, you know, now you land in New York City at 6 o'clock. Everybody's running, doing yoga on the dock, or fucking riding their bike.

You got a sudden urge to ride that fucking bike. It's really true. It's changed completely to city. Everybody's Johnny exercise. When I was a kid, a person fucking just walked. That's it. Yeah, while eating pizza at the same time. We're walking to the bar while eating a slice of pizza,

and I got a meatball fucking hero in my pocket. So what are you going to do for Thanksgiving? I'm doing Parks Casino the night before. And then I had a couple of invites, my brother. but he's kind of fucking crazy. He came over to that day to fucking help me mow the lawn with a bulletproof vest on.

I'm like, why? Why do you have a fucking bulletproof vest on? So I don't think I'm going down there for Thanksgiving. Why did he? I have no fucking idea. He had to vote that day or some shit. Oh, no.

I don't even ask. I don't ask. And then I got invited to the Italians, you know, one around the corner and one right across the street, told me to come by. That's nice. And they got kids. So it's easier to bring my daughter over there and she jumps up and down. And if I go to my brothers, she plays with the dog for 10 minutes. And then after 10 minutes, I got puppy eyes looking at me because she wants to leave. And I don't

blame. I don't want to be there either. So I know. There's another words when you're a little kid and you're drag someplace you don't want to be. No. And I did that for seven years in L.A. everywhere we went nobody had a kid so now here fuck you I can go to a house and they got 10 kids and she has a fucking

best time of her life you know yeah that's good that's good now that's the better way to do it what is going on what's going on you were telling me that

uh in your opinion now that uh that the pizza in jersey or no, were you saying Jersey? Where were you saying recently was the best pizza that you've been eating?

Staten Island. Staten Island, that's right. Yeah, Staten Island. More than New Jersey. This is very upsetting. But I'm in Jersey. I go to Carlos, which is good. I just went over there Sunday night

and got a fucking extra cheese thin, double extra cheese with thin meatball. Fucking burn that motherfucker. You understand me? brought it over to my friend's house tremendous. But I'm at the Nino's in Staten Island. The Nino's has some fucking great pizza. Yeah.

Bacters sauce. They got a fucking fried Diablo pizza. Jeez, Louise. Pilot the Bombard deer. Fraud Diablo fucking pizza. Oh, man. Is it spicy? Then you got Brooklyn Square by my house.

And that's the upside down Sicilian. Upside down Sicilian? Are you fucking kidding? or what? And, you know, I mean, I live in a capital of pizza over here. And I got to be honest with you, Tom, I don't eat it as much as I anticipated. I grew up in New Jersey. I was eating two slices a day, minimal.

Yeah. Went into the city, I stopped at the south. You know, I was one of those fucking nerves. I love pizza. Two slices of pizza at three in the afternoon, you're tip top of goo. Tip top. All the fucking vitamins and minerals you need. And then I came back in, I was a little scared.

But when I got back here, everywhere I went at pizza, good fucking pizza. I gained 16 pounds and I put the brakes on that motherfucker. So now I only get pizza like once a week. That's the motherfucking place here I went to. They put sausage and peppers on a pizza. Oh, man. Are you fucking kidding me? Jesus.

And I'm going to take the best sausage and pepper sandwich I went. The Philadelphia Phillies fucking. That stadium? Uh-huh. Oh my God. I had the sausage sandwich at Yankee Stadium. It was a fucking dead rat, that motherfucker. The Bronx will always be the Bronx, okay?

But I took that motherfucker down to Philly and I had a saucy sandwich and a berry water ice. Oh, my God, Tom Papa. Oh, those Philadelphians know how to make it happen down there. Oh, man. But why is Staten Island now the pizza place? I don't know. I didn't make the fucking rules. They took over on their own.

I was gone for a long time. Nobody went out there and told me that fucking Staten Island was taking over. Listen, let's be honest. I can sit here with you and name 50 places and it's bullshit. You know, because everybody's got good pizza. You can't stay alive without good pizza. The same fucking L.A. Where people are going to eat it, it's going to get out.

that yeah and i don't say something pizza prices on the east coast of fucking going up two people told me they got two pies there was a hundred bucks what for two pies in the valley my friend went to the pinos the day they say it's tremendous new place great pizza they got two pies in order a colomond and a soda it was a hundred and fifteen dollars jeez that's in l a no that's here Oh, that's penis. Even eats Kalamara in LA. They eat that fucking, you know. It's like an asshole that's been cut out,

and they deep fry it or something shit. And it's up with the two leather. It really, I know. It's, it's, man, it's rough out here. Oh, my God. I found the Chinese joint on the nine on Route 9 also originated in Staten Island, called King's Chinese restaurant.

They're known for this. spare ribs. The spare ribs fall off the bone. And you got to get there early or the spare ribs sell out. The first time I went with my daughter, we were the youngest people there. It was old, all Jewish people, old Jewish people with wine. The place was packed and small.

It's in a strip. Oh, my God. Don't go in there thinking you're going to order some tofu shit. They'll spit in your face. This fucking place. old school New York City. It's like Wohop, only in Jersey. The fucking shrimp egg food young is to die for. Jeez.

Old school Chinese. You got to see the lobster chalbain and that motherfucker. How did you find this place? Another Chinese guy told me about it. Kenny Chan from Jitsu told me to try. And Vic Ni Beto, Vic Di Beto lives in my neighborhood. Oh. So me and Vic go out to dinner every other Wednesday.

We've already gone to Cousins one week. We've gone to Toledo where I wanted to take you. Yes. And we went to Kings last week. And I went before I went with him. Oh, my God. But you think you're in old school in New York City. You're waiting for your mother to say, eat your fucking spare ribs.

The dutle, the wonton soup. Even the, you know, like when you get like a lunch special and they give you like that fucking petrified fried rice. Yeah. Not this place. They give you pork fried rice like a fucking savage. Nice. Pork in it.

Oh, man. How I'm not 300 pounds? I don't fucking know. I know. How is that? I'm like 294. I got to go down to 235. So I started already with the diet, the weight watches again, because I want to go on a diet now.

You don't want to wait for the holidays. It's kind of late. I mean, this is, I think we're kind of there. No, I start right now because I want to lose weight during the holidays. I'll go fucking, I'll go nice during the holidays. I lose weight during the holidays. You do? For about five or six years now.

What do you mean? I try to lose two pounds, two or three pounds, five pounds over Christmas. Instead of putting weight on, I take the weight off. So I'll eat like turkey on Thanksgiving, no mashed potatoes. I got to get a piece of pumpkin pie. You know me out of respect. I'll pass some mashed potatoes and all the other shit. And then I just tighten it up.

And since there's nothing else to do here in the winter, I just go to more jih Tzu classes and go more to the gym. That's it. I didn't know you did Jiu-Jitsu. Yeah, I started back in L.A., and then the pandemic came. I hurt myself. And then when I got here,

I had the knee surgery, and I found the right fucking place for me. Yeah. And it's fucking phenomenal. It's my social life. Right. You have skills? No.

At least I'm honest, though. But I'm getting there. I'm getting it. You like it? I fucking love it. I love it. I went today this morning. I sweat like a fucking pig.

That's good. I sweat like a fucking pig. I got to take my gear off, switch there, and then come home and take a shot. shower. Then I had to go pick up my car and they told me the car wasn't going to be ready. It was one of those days. But I'm alive and kicking. You know, a lot of shit's going on. And in the world, it's kind of fucking weird, Tom Papa, but we got to hold families down right now.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. I know. It really feels like, it does feel like there's a lot of a lot of chaos and stuff. But whenever that starts happening, I just, just turn inward. It's just like, who in my life can I help? Who in my life is looking for me to make them feel like everything's normal? And then I then start feeling normal when I approach it that way. Tom Papa, you're shooting a special? I shot it already. Where at? I shot it at the Wilbur. What do you think? It's good. It's funny. They laughed in the right places. It's going to come out December 13th. Okay. Yeah.

I saw that you posted it earlier today. Yeah. But I don't know if you're shooting it. Is your only this is your second Netflix special only? The only the second one that they produced. I did three others that were other places that ended up on Netflix.

Okay. Yeah. Excited? Yeah. I'm excited to have it be out there. It was a lot of work, you know. A lot of two solid years of touring like crazy and I've been on a zillion planes and it's nice to like have this piece now from that from that time and what's your schedule look like for 2023 busy I'm going to

I'm going to stop down a little bit you know I've got to run around and promote this special but the holiday season will be a little lighter stand-up wise and then like end of January it kicks off again. It'll be big. Come back here in the winter. This is where the envelopes are. Yeah. Buffalo, fucking Canada.

Yeah. I know. I am. Yeah. I know. I do miss it. I really do. And every time I think about you,

whenever I'm like, I'm like, wait, we've got to sit down and eat. There's like, we keep saying it, but we've got to lock it in and do it. Well,

we should do it in December. Next time you come, You know, just give me a heads up for a week. Again, I'm the type of guy I can probably make it there that night. But like, look, tonight I got to do something with her. Tomorrow I was going to do some stand-up, and my wife's got her first basketball practice.

She took a team up to coach. Oh, yeah? Because I got the felonies, I can't coach, but I'm the assistant, to the assistant, to the assistant, to the assistant coach. Oh, nice. So I got to go make sure everything is all right, teach the girls a few plays.

That's great. You know, last Friday I wanted to go see Paul Vizzi. Paul Vizzi. Berzi. Burzzi. And my wife drops on me Thursday night. You know, I'm going out with the moms tomorrow for dinner. We'll be back about 930. I'm like, no, I didn't fucking know this, but thank you.

But listen, man, my wife's got a life now. My wife didn't have a life in L.A. The only friends she had were the people that made friends with her to get a script to me or for me to do a favor for. And once they realized there was nothing there, they stopped talking to it. So the last five years in L.A., six years were rough for my wife.

My wife's got life here. People call her because of her. Right. No, they don't call her because her husband. My wife does 10 things a week on her own with her girls. They come over here. They work out together.

They're all moms, you know. Did she come from the East Coast? No, my wife's in Tennessee, but my wife wanted to move here more than I did. Right. Wow. My wife wanted to move here more than I did. I feel bad for my wife because my wife's a theater check. So when we got here, when we came a couple of years ago to visit, I brought her a few times.

She always kept saying, I can't wait to live here, so I'd go to the theater once a week. Wow. We're an hour from New York now, but I got to tell you something. it's very easy to get to the city from here to like, you know, a theater. Yeah, yeah. You just take the bus to Port Authority and then fucking take an Uber from Port Authority to the theater. It's not that bad, you know. Yeah, yeah.

The village underground, I don't know where I'm going down to the village. Right. It's right by the seller, right by the comedy seller. How many times you think I've been to the cellar? You should be. there, though. When I'm there, you should be there. I haven't been to the cellar one time my whole life.

For real? For real. Wow. That doesn't make sense somehow. I don't have time to start all over again. Yeah. Well, that's why my show would be perfect, because there is no starting over. You just slide in. We have a good

time. Yeah. Papa always fucking call me if you're going to do that show. Yeah. All right. That's good to know. That's right. You get me out of the house. You're doing me a favor. I just want to book a theater and fucking tweet dates and you know, I'm not the move for that. Well, I got to say it's, it's, uh, you seem very happy. You seem very at peace. I am at fucking peace. That's what a lot of people don't get through the head. And that's why they

keep calling me with stupid shit to do. If you fucking saw me, I just did a show in the city and one of my friends came out, George Perez. And he called me a few days later. And he told me, he goes, you're a complete different person. Wow. I could tell that it was kind of painful for you to be there that night in a way. And I go, it was. You know, I wanted to see you guys. We had a short window.

They were drinking, you know, people were fucking doing stuff. I mean, the city is back that night now. Everybody's trying to get the last licks. So, yeah, it's a different world for me now. I'm very happy here. Yeah. this is what I was looking for. Listen, man, I've been running since I was 16 years old.

Yeah, yeah. I've returned 60 in February. And it's time for me to figure out the next chapter. Yeah, it's good, though. You know creatively it's going to help. Taking that break, knowing, having on your mind that something, like being open to what the next thing is going to be and taking time off. getting out of the grind of it. Like, it'll be whatever, whatever emerges is going to be the right thing to do.

Man, I had a great time doing what I was doing. I did a lot of great things, you know. Yeah. Considering where I came from, it was a fucking cell. Considering I tell people all the time, if I had one day on a movie, that's a fucking God bless for me because, depending on where I came from, especially where I came from.

I took from my house where, you know, we went to parades and shit, you know, and then fucking, I graduated college and I married my sweetheart, you know, at 25 I was doing time, and I thought I was dead. Yeah. For me to come out and then be on stage

with guys like you, Rogan, you know, fucking Bill Burr at the store, it's a little harder for a guy like me. Yeah. It was a way, it was more of a shot. It hits harder. So yeah, it was a lot. I'm happy.

And now I got to figure out what I want to do next. Yeah, yeah. And that's it. I still enjoy podcasting. You know what I really enjoy more than performing? Writing jokes. Uh-huh. I've written some good jokes here.

I just don't have the energy to carry them like I did before. Maybe it's time to bring some fucking. Expressos. Yeah, right, exactly. Tell me about your book. I didn't know you had a book coming. I wrote a book. It took me about 10 years to outline it. And then when I got here, Jimmy Florentine has a niece that's a writer. So we put it down. It took us about a year and a half to write it. And we finally got it done. It's going to legal right now. I'm going to do an audio book in January. I'm going to do it myself. Nice. And then the book gets released April 23rd. Nice. And what is it?

It's called The Story of a Comedy Savage. Nice. Nice. It's embarrassing, but it's true. Why is it embarrassing? I don't know. Rough to write. You know, you get track.

You go deep? go deep? Is it kind of, is it too personal? You mean like that? I went deep, but no, it's not too personal. It's what I've been talking about in the podcast for the last 10 years. The other podcast, me growing up in Jersey,

me growing up in Colorado, you know, shit like that. Yeah. Just I tell the nitty gritty. Yeah. My mother on the floor, dead on the head of acid, you know, my two buddies dying in grammar school. I get down and dirty. I break it down for people because I never felt that was a fucking good stand-up or anything.

But I always knew that if I could get my story out there, people can relate to it. Yeah. Because I'm sick and tired of people. I read a lot of shit. And I'm sick and tired of people when they, when something happens in their lives, they fucking just, they live the rest of their lives, focusing. on the bad that happened. I just want to, I want to

just listen, man, this podcast, my stand-up, it's all been about a second chance. How important it is that fuck, I mean, my mom came from another country for me to have a better life. You know, and I fucked up

the first 30 years of that, but I had a second chance to make it right. And I did. And that's what my book is. That's what my fuck. and podcast is about it's about letting people know no matter how bad a shape you are you could always pick yourself up and do what the fuck you want it might not be exactly i want to be an attorney tom papa oh yeah still still to this day i wish i go to law school why what what made you uh what

what what it what excited you about that i love arguing with people but i love the law and i love getting people off the fucking trouble. I love all that shit. I love the ball. When I was a kid, I used to go to the courts in New York City. At night, I would go to midnight court. You know, night court. I would go to night court all the time.

Just to watch? Yeah, I'd bring a fucking chicken-colored parmesan sandwich in there with me and a fucking 16-ounce coat. And I'd sit there until two in the morning, watching people come in and make bail. Why didn't they make bail? Wow. Was bored, I would just go to a court hearing. I'm in the court in about 20 years.

Once I got to L.A., I didn't do it anymore. Yeah, yeah. But when I lived in New York and New Jersey, I went to court a lot, man. Yeah, wow. Fucking, it's hot. Go to court. The air conditions are always on. And you could just sit and why.

And you get in the back. They asked me, who are you? I'm here at the New York Times. And they would just walk away from me. It was fucking amazing. I mean it was a daily news I'd have like a little pad with me with a pen

and I'd tell them on from the daily news I told him I'm doing a college project I wasn't even in college Did you feel like Was it because you had gotten into trouble And you were You wanted to Did you feel like the system

At the end of like watching it all Did you feel like the system was just That it? Yeah, the system is always just The system is right. Oh, yeah. You fuck up. You get in trouble.

You pay your debts to society and you get out. You get caught. That's the way it is. But, no, I just always liked it. I don't know. I don't know if it was being Cuban and liking something about America so much. But that's what I like so much. I like courts.

Like, I love watching movies. You know, Lord Order is my favorite fucking show. Yeah. I could watch it all day long. I like attorney shows. Yeah. I like talking to. attorneys. I like

hanging out with attorneys. I ask them creepy questions. There is a comedian slant to that. There is the use of language to navigate your way through the world. It is very

similar. That's why when I couldn't become an attorney, I chose stand-up comedy. Because it's the second best thing I could do. I dug The hours, you know, the hour, perfect for Uncle Joey. I was never going to get a fucking day job. Yeah.

If I did become an attorney, I have to practice law at night because I did not like daytimes. I want to be outside with big widows with white shoes on, with white socks on in the daytime, getting vitamin D and listen to Jimmy Roselli records on the corner. It's like you're like a salmon. It's like you come from all of that and then you go off into the world and you go all these different places, do all these different things, end up on the West Coast. But it's like your nature was not going to stop you. You were going to return. Listen, I always had to come back here. Yeah.

I knew at one point, especially when I had mercy, especially. It was a no-fucking brainer for me. Yeah. I had my daughter, I put that clock on. And I go, I got to get her out of here by the time she's five. It took me to the time. But I got her out. I gave L.A. a chance at first, but it wasn't working.

Not the school like that in Studio City and the fucking, you know, the fucking dough peanuts and all that. No, it was not going to work. I was seen where older kids were going. Like I had friends that had older kids and it just wasn't working for them. They were picking them up in college. They couldn't even make it. You know, these kids, the biggest thing they've ever said,

same is Laurel fucking Canyon and then you throw to the world and you know no yeah both of my kids are gravitating back there I believe it yeah believe it it's making us think like oh maybe like why would we be out here if if they're going to be there with the rest of the family if like their salmon too you know they started there and it's like well maybe I don't know maybe we're heading that

way too. How old are your daughters now, Tom? If you don't mind me asking. 20 and 17. Yeah. And whether they want to go to school? One's at school back east and the other one just apply back east in Jersey. So, if she gets in and ends up there, it's going to be pretty weird that we're here and you guys are eating Colomar over there without us. it doesn't make sense I'm happy I never thought I'd make the move my wife fucking pushed it

my wife beat me up until I said yes and then I was said yes once July 13 came and they said there was going to be no school I was out I called Jimmy Florentine he got me his sister-in-law the realtor and we worked and that was it yeah yeah

well it definitely seems like it's worked out i don't uh i don't like having to not eat during the holidays so you can eat the rest of the year though that plan sounds weird to me you know what this it's not like i'm going here only for two weeks i fucking live here right you got to get your head around it this morning i went and got avocado toast with lobster on it they call it lavicado fucking only in Jersey lavato yeah like a avocado toast it was fucking tremendous

I was like these people out of their minds and they had a hot chocolate it was 275 it looked like a fucking milkshake with whipped cream and shit I didn't have it I didn't want to do any sugar

this morning it's a different world and it's a different and I'm back with the Italians where I started and guess what my daughter's back with the Italians where she started.

There's a house my daughter could walk there. She walks right in the house. Right. They've told her knock a knock. They said, just walked. That sounds familiar. Yeah. The Pumas, they love my daughter and I love their kids.

I tell their kids the same thing. They come over here. And then around the corner, I got the Murdoz. That's all my daughter first ate red sauce. And she hasn't stopped. Has to stop. We go to all. restaurant. She asked the fucking wait

if they have red sauce. Sunday sauce. That's great. We were here in L.A. and my daughter was a vegetarian and she was little and she went across the street to our friends and had spaghetti with red sauce and

she came back and she said it was really, really good. They had these balls in the sauce that were so good. Those are meatballs. What? I had no idea. These magical balls that were inside of vegetarian pasta. Oh my God. There's a place around the corner for me. You go in there and buy a pot of

13 meatballs with the sauce and they even give you a bread. And here's the clinker. They give you the pot to go. For real? It's $33 for the fucking thing of meatballs. Oh, my God. Over there and just buy a pot for the kids. Yeah. They give you a tub of recut and you're fucking with bread. And they throw the meatballs on the fucking dish with a slab of cheese. And they just start dipping the sauce with the bread and the meatballs. I can't bribe it to you.

What's so sad is out here, there's literally like two places you could go do that. Not even that. Like two places that are even like kind of close there. It's like on every corner. It really is insane. I don't hear Italian a lot. A lot of people don't talk Italian no more. Yeah.

It still sucks. I thought my Italian will be great once I moved back here, but nobody talks it no more. It's fucking crazy how much has changed. When I was a kid, the Italians in my neighborhood would say that thing to you in the mornings. Nobody says that anymore. Says what? Only two fucking groups do it. The Puerto Ricans do it and the Italians.

The Puerto Rican say, mendichio, and you have to say, and you're up there and Diga, and the Italians say, some better ego, and then you're supposed to say something, like God bless you. Ask anybody who's alive in your family. Right. And you see somebody, like you're supposed to say something, like some benedigio, and then they're supposed to yell something back at you.

What does that mean? Like, God bless you. Have a great day. Somebody. Did you? Yeah. Ask them. It's not some Benidio, but... Oh, it's not.

I was going to write it down. But it does, it does start with song. Like a saint. Right, right. Oh, I see. Yeah, it starts like a song, so... Right. But I say that no more, I don't hear Italian at all no more.

Like, people used to talk Italian in front of me, and my head was blow up. Nah. No. They're all whitened up. now. Yeah. It's a fucking shame. Yeah.

I don't use olive. Olive oil is cologne no more. Nothing. Nothing. These are, these are Americanized Italians now. Oh, man. So back to your weed.

So you don't have, you're not smoking as much now that you're there? Or is it? Espresos are down and the weed is down? And the weed is really down. Because, but, but mushrooms are up.

So, you know what I'm saying? Don't ever, don't sleep on Argentina, Jack. Don't think I'm fucking slipping. Don't call it a comeback. I do about 10 bong hits a day. I do three already. It's not like getting up and set and doing bong hits anymore. That ship's sale.

I got to talk to too many young kids in the morning until 8.15. So I do my shit first in the morning. And then when I come back on my point, 1230, whether it's jihitsu, I come back to the gym and I got a doctor's appointment, I got to do some work for draft kings when I get back at about two, that's my first

fucking bout with the fucking bong hits. I love how cutting back is 10 bong hits. Sure, but you got to remember I was eating 2,000 milligrams smoking six bong hits for breakfast, coming back to 10,

doing another four, you know, meeting some people at one, doing another fucking three or four and then ending the night with 2,000 milligrams of edibles oh my god so now if i do six seven of bon hits a day i got these edible uh these edible gummy mushrooms yeah from silly this company called silly in fact i'm going to eat a couple and we're finished here how high how do you get from those i get nice and high that you could There's 10 in a bag. You eat one for clarity.

And then like five, if you want to feel something, 10 if you want to see the devil. My friend ate a fucking one last night. His wife called me and said he's stripping his ass off. He keeps seeing the dog. But the only problem is the dog died two years ago. So I'll take those, like I'll take one a day for clarity for like micro. Does it work? I feel a lot better.

Wow. I feel a lot better. I feel a lot more relaxed. And then at night, sometimes I take maybe. Last night I took 600 milligrams of ABX. What's that? Because my tolerance is high. But I used to take 2,000 of them and get fucked up.

Last night I took 600 and I was fucked up. I slept like a baby. What's ABX? They're these capsules. They're oxygen capsules. fucking tremendous. They make you see the devil and other people. And you're dead relatives.

But Pops, I've got to take my daughter to kickbox. All right. All right. Well, thank you so much for doing this. I really, it's so nice to do this podcast just to literally check in with you. I'm happy you do it. I love when you call me. You do the little whatever you need from me, just let me know.

You know, I love you, pops. You're a good man. I love you too. And I'll contact you. Yeah, have a great Thanksgiving. Have a great. too. Sounds good.

All right. Love you. Stay black. All right. Love you too. That's it, kids. That's the big show. Thank you for listening.

A big thank you to Joey. Always nice checking in with him. Definitely making me feel jealous and homesick. It's weird how you could live in some place and still be homesick for where you came from. I don't know. I don't know what the future holds, but he sure seems happy. Taking boats over to New York. eating pizza in every corner.

The good life, the good life. I hope you were living a good life as well, and we'll see you next time. Enjoy.