Breaking Bread with Tom Papa - Episode 137 - Kira Soltanovich #5

Episode Date: January 10, 2023

Starting the year off right with the low calorie, high laughs of Kira Soltanovich.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, it's our goal Hey It's time for breaking bread With Papa Hey Don't you know Hey It's also a show

Hey Hey Hey Everybody Welcome to another edition Of Breaking Bread with Tom Papa I'm Tom Papa Do I have something on my

Face? What was it? He's just the crumbs A little crumbs things Yeah I'm here at the great The lovely, the talented The hilarious

the somewhat contentious, Kira Sultanovich. This is the first one back for the year. And I thought there's nobody that I would want more than Kira on the show. And I appreciate that. Thank you. Next time I'm going to ask you what color your tablecloth is. Yeah, thanks for matching the tablecloth.

That's why, you see, other people don't think like that. Because who wears a marauds? Maroon sweater in this day and age. Nobody else goes that deep into the show or knows the show as well. And you're thinking, I'm going to match the set. I want to be the set. I want to be part of it. I want to integrate.

I look like I was telling you before I started recording it, I look like I'm wearing a big bib. Like a big lobster dinner is coming my way. You look lovely. Oh, thanks. The show today is brought to us by the good people at Helix Mattress. Helix Sleep. How long have you been on your dirty old mattress, your disgusting mattress with icky springs, probably mice in it?

You don't even know because you never even change it. Helix Sleep is a premium mattress brand that provides tailored mattresses based on your unique sleep preferences. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to HelixSleep.com slash Papa with Helix Better. sleep starts now. As I was, as I was queuing that up, I realized I am now sitting across from a

professional television announcer. So you're probably judging the inflection now. You're a little more judgy than maybe you had been in the past. Yeah. Which is hard to believe. I know. But you

what was that? You work with the great J. Leno. Yes. Amazing. Who I saw recently. Who am I saw recently? Is he okay? His face looks amazing.

Better than before? It must be so great to have a trillion dollars. By the way, his words, I go, Jay, this is incredible. He's like, yeah, I got a lot of money. So I can get the best. And so he even looks younger? He looks absolutely. First of all, you can't even see anything.

And he looks like his skin is like baby sauce. It's like brand new skin. It's brand new skin. And he said that he has to... In case our listeners don't know, he caught on fire. Yeah. He was in his garage and there was a... Gasoline fire.

Fire. Yeah. And his hands actually still look like, you know, there's some healing to be done. But he's a dude and he works with his hands and that's fine. Yeah. But his face, muh. He says he has to shave twice a day because the skin is different than his, you know, normal skin.

Right. And so the hair grows at different times. Oh, my God. So we can't, like, just shave one time and it's just, you know, everyone grows at the same time. Yeah. Where'd you see him? I did comedy and magic with him a couple weeks ago.

Yeah. He's a machine. He never stops working. He never stops. He doesn't want to. Yeah. He loves it. Because of his feelings?

You know what? I kind of get it. Yeah. I kind of get it. Oh, I love. to work. We're pretty, we're not that far off.

No, no. But like, if people were hiring us as much as they were hiring Jay, you would do it. Right. Here's the difference. Like, you know,

he's not going to miss a mortgage payment. Like, I love working because I also love paying bills. Sure. So that's why I also love it. Yes. Yeah. But he's,

he's doing great. He looks. Without the bills, do you still do it? I would. Yeah. I would. But I also like really love it.

Yeah. Like, So I wanted to send my kids to camp this last week of winter break. We have three weeks off. Yeah. And winter break camp. Three weeks off. It's ridiculous.

I will literally pay more taxes if you guys just open school tomorrow. I will throw you money. I don't want this anymore. I don't want winter break anymore. But, you know, camp, 500 bucks for the week. And then I have two kids. So I was like, oh, a thousand bucks. I'll just, whatever, they'll just stay home.

We'll figure it out. But I'm paying that because I took them to the trampoline park. That's, you know, $200 to go in because you've got to buy the socks and a trampoline shirt that glows in the dark. Oh my God, I should have just sent them to camp. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. So things like that where those kind of things rack up. Do you wish that you at home school?

schooled your children even longer, so you would have maybe sent them away to boarding school at this point? You know, it's so funny, I did threaten our older kid with boarding school recently, and then I watched that Paris Hilton documentary that she produced. I saw it. And I was like, oh, my God, I'll never. And I jokingly threatened, but kind of not. I'm like, you know, there's, you could go, you know, go away.

Yeah. Yeah. Did they like the idea? No. Oh, no. That's why it's a threat. I know, but I've floated that once in a while. And they're like, oh, I'm listening.

Is there a website? Any pictures you can show me? What would my dorm look like? Who's my roommate? You want to start packing? No, my kids are like, oh, and I go, yeah. You better be grateful for this trampoline park I just spent $200 on. Oh my God, I'm losing my mind.

Now, when you're home with them like this, and it's, you've got three weeks. And there is that Christmas song and something like in mom and dad are. Yes. Right. And mom and dad can't wait for school to start again. I know exactly what you're talking about. That really like rings out. And mom and dad can't wait for school to start again.

Yeah. It's beginning to look a lot of Christmas. When that happens and you are home for those three weeks and you know, you're doing what you're doing, your husband's doing what. What percentage of the work mental and physical falls on you and how much on your husband? Is it 50-50? No. Is it 60-40? Is it 90-10?

Yeah. Yeah? Probably. Now, I'm not saying he doesn't do anything. He just doesn't do it well. He just, he does. But it's like if I, I'm the supervisor. I'm the supervisor.

And I tell him, hey. Right. You gotta go, can you go take the kids? They need some fresh air. Go air out the children. And he will do it. Yeah. But I have to sit there with the, you know, with the clipboard and be like, okay.

Because it's not that he doesn't want to. Right. But it's kind of like, like when he does the laundry, which is never. Never, never is the word. I want to give him credit, but he doesn't. Yeah. But if I say, hey, there's wet, laundry in the washer, can you put it in the dryer? Absolutely. Right. Happy to do it.

Not thinking about it in the managerial. No, he will do it. Right. But it's never, it's always me. It's always on your mind. If you don't say that, if you don't say air out the children, move the laundry. Yeah. How many days would it take before he's aware that maybe one of these things has to be done? I cannot die until. the youngest one is 18. I just can't. And I'm not saying he's not capable. He is sure capable.

No, I know. It's just your mindset. He's a different kind of mindset. So for Christmas, we finally got the kids a gaming system because this is how long I've waited. My son is 12. Now you're, I remember you saying this when we were on tour a while ago that you got him something. this poor kid was trying to play games on like a CB radio and he figured out how he could play a single game on it or something.

You're not being kind. It was a trio palm pilot. Okay. And he got so excited like, I have a video game. I know. But it's good. I admired it. I've held out as long as I could.

You've been pushing all tech. You've been keeping it at bay. 100%. Yeah. I'm very mean. in his eyes. I am such a mean. How old is he now?

He's 12. He's 12. That's good. I mean, that's still probably five years earlier than you would have liked to put. No, I think. That's a good amount of time. So they got it for Christmas. Yeah.

What is it? Their minds. It's just a Nintendo Switch. Yeah. Lost their minds. Oh, yeah. They ran around the house. Do you remember ferales?

Did you guys have ferales when you were growing up? No. It was this ice cream parlor where they lost their minds. every half hour. And if it was your birthday, they came out with one of those drums, but they ran around the whole house. Yeah.

They were so excited. Wait, go back to the ice cream place for a couple. Ferrell's. I had a birthday party there. You drink, oh, by the way, never would happen in this day and age.

You drink everybody out of a trough, an ice cream trough that's this big, as big as this table. And everyone in the party has a straw. And everyone just drinks this ice cream sherbert, like just, insane chemicals, like red number 40, all the stuff that I... Was this just a San Francisco thing?

I don't know. I feel like the Farrell's, I don't know. Like it might have been around? It might have been around, but pizza. Pizza and pipes was the San Francisco thing. What? Pipes? Pizza and pipes.

What do you mean? Together? It was the craziest idea. It was a place that was just full of organ pipes everywhere, all over the place. And they would go off and it was like gong, gong, gong. And it was so loud. and obnoxious, but then they gave you pizza, so then your parents threw you a party there. It was awful and amazing.

That's why I asked this question, because there's something, I was watching The Simpsons, and my daughter's been, my older daughter's been into older Simpson. She's watching. My kid too. Yeah, which is great because you know, as a comedian, some of the best jokes on television were part of that series. You watch that and it's just like a joke machine. So you know that something's clicking in their head.

Yeah. And so there was this episode with Evil Knievel. They were doing a takeoff of Evil Caneval. And just the American idea of like this guy is just middle-aged guy in real life, middle-aged guy, chubby, just a cowboy, pure American. You know what I mean? Like I'm going to create wonder and excitement out of absolutely nothing. I'm just going to get on a motorcycle and jump shit.

And I'm going to turn, I'm going to whip this country into a frenzy. You did. And I was thinking about that like the same thing like with ice cream shops, candy shops, like all those kind of people. Like it is such a great, grotesque, fun American idea of what can we do? Let's get some organ pipes. Let's, yeah, let's get some drums. Let's ramp the shit up and people will come.

And just the overindulgence of. sound. Yeah. And the pizzas were massive and just bong, boom, bong, bong, d-da-d-d-d-and. And it was just loud and so obnoxious. But we, like, just came to this country. Yeah. I had my sixth birthday there. So imagine we were only in America for four years. So my parents were, like, celebrating like, this is freedom. This is America. We came here. That's so great. Anyway, so back to your switch. We got the switch. So I told them these are the ground rolls, again, because I'm mean. I'm a mean.

mom. Good. And I said, these are the ground rules. This is when you can play. This is not an everyday thing. This is something that, you know, hey, help me fold the laundry because your father won't do it. Help me load the dishwasher. Oh, I unload the dishwasher.

You know, and then you earn it. And I told my husband, these are the ground rules. He, absolutely. With the switch. With the switch. He was like, totally in agreement. I'm sorry. Let me go back.

So you give them the switch. They go nuts. They run around like the ice cream place. They can't believe it. how much joy did you allow them before you started putting the rules down? 20 seconds. I'm the worst. I really am.

I'm such a buzzkill. I am. I don't know how they, I don't know. They'll seek some therapy out, whatever. They'll be like AI therapy by the time they're in their 20s. It'll be fine.

But I did. I let them play. I let them play for, you know, hours. And I went to go run a quick errand. It's probably to go to my mom. Yeah.

Because I have to like, you know, take care of my, my elderly mom on Christmas Day also. And I go, hey, I said to my husband, hey, let's, let's, they've played for like four hours straight. Yeah. Let's tell them, hey, time for a break. Get out of your pajamas. You know what I mean? Like, go brush your teeth.

It's 3 p.m. Yeah, exactly. And he goes, yeah, you know, you're right. Absolutely. And then I come back from my errand. He's playing with them. They've been playing. nonstop. It was like a job.

Like nine to five. And so I just, you know, he has to... So happy. He has to step up and be a little bit of... Did mom play at all? I played a little bit. But I tend to find... I try to find the logic

in video games. You can't find logic in Mario Kart. I was like, wait a second. Why is this thing trying to kill me? Like this some little animal... No, it was a Mario Kart. other Mario one. But like, why is this thing, it was like a gopher trying to kill me? And my kids are like, just run. Stop trying to figure it out. I was like, but I don't get it. Like, you die and then you come up as a bubble. I just, I'm too logical. I did because I wanted to bond with them

over that. Sure. So my 12-year-old will come to me with problems on a level that he's at. And it's some of the best acting I've ever done where I look really interested in helping him. And he's like, I'm at this level where there's this rock monster, and he has plutonium on his body. I have to, so what do you think I should do? I go, oh, my gosh, we got to figure this out. And I could not care less. But I am trying to be, you know, a support. Well, good for you.

It seems like you made progress. It seems like your response would be, why don't you put it down and read a book? Yes. Is what you really want to say. But here's the thing. This kid is either the best liar in the world. and has somehow found crib notes on every single book we give him. Or he is an insane speed reader, and we should be making money off of him.

Oh, really? He reads, we give him a book. He got eight books for Christmas. It's July 4th. He's read them. January. It's January 4th. He's read them.

Really? He's done. I don't know. I don't buy it. Is he get good grades? Yeah. Unfortunately, both of my kids are like me when I was a kid,

which is, shut the fuck up. Is what mostly every teacher says. Stop talking. Stop. Just, can you stop? Both of them? Both of them. Really?

The second grader, it's not really a big deal because they're in second grade. So they're like, you know, farts, right? Like, they don't care. But he's in sixth, and the teacher's like, he doesn't stop talking.

And I feel so bad. Yeah. You explain like, yeah, we, I, it's hereditary. I made that. Yeah. Yeah. And I tell him, but it doesn't make it right because you're actually smart, whereas I'm a clown and that's what I am, but you're actually smart.

Right. I was never, I didn't even get, she has potential. I didn't even get that. They were just like, can you shut her up, please? Just make it stop. Please make it stop. But he gets like, he's so smart and he's very. You know, he's gifted, but he has to stop talking.

He can't. He can't. There's no way. He interrupts. He cracks jokes. Right. He has a tag for everything. He has something, you know, interesting to say.

The thing is sometimes it's interesting. That's what the teacher said. She admitted to me. She's like, sometimes it's actually really interesting. And I go, okay, that was good. But, like, we have to move on now. What, uh, how, when does he go back Monday next week? Yes.

You have another week. Well, yeah, so Thursday, Friday, the weekend. I can't. I'm literally going cross-side. I can't. You wake up and you, you're the camp. Here's the thing. I should have spent the grand.

Yeah. Because I'm the camp now. I know. Because they wake up and they go, where are you taking me today? And I go, yeah. It feels like, you know what feels like because it's raining. I know.

And so we got to go to indoor places. Oh, it's like living on the East Coast. Right. We have this big atmospheric river that has hit Southern California, which is so funny how they have to name everything now. I didn't have even heard that before. Yeah, it's like, they used to say it's snowing. It's going to be cold and snowing. And now it's like a bomb cyclone is coming across the nation.

And now what we are involved in in L.A. is this thing called an atmospheric river. So that's why it's dumping so much water on us. Yeah, but it's not even that much. But for us, it's a lot. Yeah, it is. Yeah. I mean, it's been a good week. No, it's great. I feel like we're in Ireland. It's all green or like Hawaii, you know, like because the clouds and the fog is low and it's like these green mountains.

Yeah. Okay, I'll take it. But I literally took them to a parking lot. To do what? I go get your scooters, get some elbow pads, get a helmet. You're going to scoot in the rain? No, an indoor parking lot. And there's no cars because it's Christmas.

It's empty. And I go, we're on the car. 12th floor, see you at the bottom. And they're just like, and they're like, we don't want to do this anymore. I go, I'm not spending any more money. Oh my God. Everywhere you go, it's like 50 bucks to get in.

This is crazy. Yeah. You're close, though. I mean, in another couple of years. What? What's going to happen? I'm not going to look to you for the entertainment. Yes and no.

But I don't want them to look to, you know, a shit pipe. Yeah. As per your joke. Right. Did I tell you that they found a shit pipe? Mm-mm. Yeah, they found one.

They did? Did they go in it? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's exciting. I have a joke in my act of my new special that's streaming right now on Netflix. That's where we used to play. There was a, I forget what the name, it was something pond, and there was this big pipe, and you just went into the pipe and started walking, and then it got smaller.

And if you were really brave. you would take the little offshoot ones. Oh. And crawl through it. No. Yeah. No. Like the Viet Cong.

Yeah. See, that's what I don't. I want to make my house so cool and fun that all the teenage boys want to hang out in our house. And then I can watch everything that they're doing. Yeah, that was my philosophy. And did it work? Yeah. Okay.

It works. So you kind of always could have, like you were in within earshot a little bit. Yeah. And your house. was the kind of the, you know, I didn't realize what was going on, like in hindsight. Oh. Like, I didn't realize, like, people were smoking weed and stuff, and I thought I was, like, on it.

Yeah. And no. No. Like, the stories are coming out now that. You didn't smell it? Mm-mm. Oh. Yeah.

You're crafty. I bet, like, all your nose hairs are just dead from the shit pipe, you know what I mean? So you're just not going to, that kills your, I've been in shit pipes. It kills all the receptors in theirs, all the little, like, nasal receptors for smell. I love weed and I used to love weed. So you don't mind it. Yeah, it's all, but I had no, and I know it. I smoked and caught.

I got it. If they're doing it, I'm going to know. Right. No idea. I had no idea. Oh, boy. They're very crafty. Well, now there's like edibles.

So you're not going to. Yeah, there's that too. You are overboard when it comes to your health. That's so nuts that you think I'm overboard. I don't mean you're overboard. You're just more aggressively into it. That's why you look so healthy and so beautiful. Oh, well, thank you.

Does it shift for you in January or you're like, you do it all the time, so you're not one of these people that's like, January, let's dial it in. Oh, like people are like, okay, that's it. I'm getting a drink. I can't drink for the whole month because I was such an animal through December. Dry January, no more, whatever.

I don't know. You probably don't go off during the holidays. I don't. I'm so boring. Yeah. I'm one of the most boring people. You're not boring at all. I know you don't think it, but it, like, compare me to all the other.

Let's just even go comics, not even like friends you grew up with. You know, they're drawing. drinking after the show. Right. They're, you know, indulging or they're drinking before, or on stage, you know what I mean? You watched me drink a glass of wine once on tour. That was fun. Well, I drank wine with you on tour. Yeah, you did. I did, but I had to cut that back. I know. It's boring. It's so boring. But you feel great. I do. I feel so much better. I don't know what to do. Because the thing is, we have, it's like food is our friend and wine and beer. It's so much our friend.

It's a friend. And if you say like that's it, or it's like a, you know, a relationship and you feel get someone out of your life, there's mourning involved. There is. But then like someone you. If they're toxic, you feel better without them. That's, yeah. And over time, you know, even the ones you really love after a while, you're like, oh,

they've been gone for a while. I hate to say about them. I'm kind of forgetting about them. Oh. Right? That's how I feel. I know it's. I was playing around with the idea of.

going dry January because I wasn't drinking that much but it's it's not no but it's kind of like you know it's I like extremes I like you know like just cut it all out and we're not doing any of anything for this period and uh last night I was in New York and I did Colbert and my sister came their husband and son and we went right out before I went back to the airport and right out to this bar nearby because they couldn't come in the green room because of COVID testing and everything. You can't have people back anymore. Oh, my.

Yeah. So we went to the bar, which was very nice and was very ornate. And it's like right after the holidays and everything, all the lights are still up. And it's all wood kind of in. And in my mind, I'm thinking dry January. And I was halfway through a Guinness. And we're toasting and drinking. I'm like, oh, I guess we're not doing dry January.

Because there's a celebration. There's always this. There's always a reason. to celebrate something. But that you have to celebrate. That you have to. Yeah. I mean,

like, it's too much, yeah. I'm not saying I'll never have a glass of wine. But remember when we were in, was it Seattle? Mm-hmm. It was Seattle and you're like,

I'm not going to do any sugar this weekend. And then 20 minutes later. You were like, well, this isn't a lot of sugar. It's so. With what? I don't remember that.

But you were like, well, I mean, I'll just have a smoothie. I'm just like, that's all sugar. It's so hard. It's one of the hardest things. Yeah. It really is hard.

It is difficult. I made this, I made a, I made this, this is like the connection, like your life and the celebration and your relationship. Yeah. I made a thing over the holidays. After the, after Christmas, it really should be made for Christmas. But I was hanging around. My wife actually had COVID.

So the whole break where I was supposed to be. hanging with her. She was in the room. Did you use my protocol? Yeah, but she's not good with your protocol. Why not? Your protocol, which I endorse, is you have something in your system. You have to fight it with this and just pound it with these things.

Zinc. Yeah. Vitamin C, D. Like, I think your exact COVID advice was just eat vitamin C until you are shitting your brains out. Well, I didn't say brains. I said until you have disaster pants. You should take vitamin C. Yeah.

Until you have disaster pants. And then you know, oh, I should now scale back a little. And it's leaving and cleansing your system and get it all out. Yeah. My wife is, she'll eat vitamin C until she thinks it might be hurting her stomach and then she'll stop. Okay. Like, you know what I mean? Like she doesn't, she doesn't, she can't do the, I'm going to kick the shit out of myself for this end.

You know what I mean? I gotcha. Yeah. So your protocol really didn't work. Not for everyone. So anyway, I was just knocking around in the house the whole week, you know. And so I decided to bake something called strafouli, which is this Italian dough. And it's honey balls is how I grew up.

My grandmother used to make it. And we just all called it honey balls. It looks like this plate of little balls doused in honey. Oh. And rainbow sprinkles. And you just pick these little nuggets off and just eat them one by one. Amazing. Amazing.

So I decided I'm going to try and make it. My grandmother's not around anymore. And it was like a big family tradition. I'm like, how hard could it be? You know, I bake all the time. And it was delightful. It was this. Does it come out right?

Came out right. Okay, good. Has this dough with lemon zest and orange zest in it. Oh, man. Like just the smell of the dough is like, oh, this is going to be good. And it's kind of labor intense. We've got to cut these little things and fry them in peanut oil and then douse them all with honey. But when I made the dish, this is the point.

When I made the dish and I got it and I'm like nailed it, I didn't care that anyone else was going to eat it. I didn't care. It was just, oh, I'm now connected to this thing. My grandmother made, did all these same steps to make this dish. And now I'm connected to that memory of to someone who's no longer around. Yeah. Like that thing, like if I were to say I'm not having sugar. 100%.

You know what I mean? That's the part that always gets me. 100%. And that is the biggest bummer out of all of this. Yeah. And like, for example, you were probably super excited. It came out right. Oh my gosh.

It's how I remember from my childhood. And then you invite me over and I go, no, thanks. Like, do not invite me anywhere because I am a party pooper. I know. I am, but I will say this. Okay. I threw my dad a 75th birthday. Okay.

And I went all out. I put it, it was in our backyard. I put out beautiful tables and chairs. I rented, you know what I mean? So they would look really, really nice. Yeah. Table cloths. And I did the flour arrangements.

And I got a private sushi chef. Whoa. Wow. Amazing. Highly recommend. Really? And of course, sushi is all rice. Yeah.

Rice is sugar. Rice is sugar. It's the same. Your body sees. Brown rice? All of it. All of it. Your body doesn't care.

It doesn't care. A piece of chocolate cake, a banana rice. It all turns out of the same way. But I'm not going to, you know, be a douche, right? Right. So I just ate all the fish. He just did a sashimi plate for me. It was incredible.

Yeah. But then I went to Portos. and I got those crazy cakes. Have you been to poros with the cakes? I mean, I'm not a dick. Like, I'm going to still, you know what I mean? I'm going to celebrate with you. I'm going to cheer you on.

Right. I'm going to be like, get another piece. But I can't do it. But you won't do it. I can't. Now that is a level of discipline though. Well, you all, well, it's a level of discipline that most people don't have. But is it because you are strong, but also is it because you're out of the habit

of having that, like your body doesn't even look at it as something that it wants. No desire. Yeah. Here's the thing. So for many years, I, anything I ate, a banana, I got bloated. A sandwich. Right. Whatever.

It didn't matter. It didn't matter if I cut out carbs. Yeah. But still had, whatever, zucchini. Like, so many things were making, like, every meal. I had an upset stomach. Right. Not like debilitating, not like, you know, everyone clear the pizza and pipes.

You know what I mean? It wasn't like that. But it was, it was just constantly discomfort and I was numb to it. And then when I started cutting it out and I realized, oh my God, this is how you're supposed to feel? Yeah. Oh, I can't go back now. Right. So it's not that you're a douche, it's that you're sick.

Yes. Yes. How do you sleep? Much better. You do? don't want to know what I do. Do you have a nice mattress? I have. I think I need a new one. You do? I feel like I need one that is suited for me. Have you ever heard of Helix sleep? Yeah, I have. Well, Helix Sleep is this, I sleep on a Helix Sleep mattress. And I was the same as you. I was having

trouble sleeping. And I just felt bloated. And we had this old mattress. And the people from Helic sleeps had take this sleep quiz and we went online and we took the sleep quiz we meaning my wife and I and we had both different desires and it is something that we fight about. She likes to sleep on a ping pong table. I like a big mushy mattress. Oh no. The Helix lineup includes 14 unique mattresses including a collection of luxury models, a mattress for big and tall sleepers and even a mattress made just for kids. So how will you know which Helix mattress works best for you? Take the quiz. That's what we did. And in two minutes, they sent us a result and then they sent it right to the house. This big mattress shows up right at the house. We opened it up and we were worried.

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My wife had the similar... Go ahead. I might be very similar to your wife. I don't like it too mushy, squishy. Uh-huh. I don't want a ping pong table, but... Yeah. I like a little support.

I like a little support. I mean, it can't be... All I know is my side of the bed is better than hers. Well, yeah, for you. Yeah. Now, with pillows, I am a nightmare. Are you? I cannot find a good pillow.

That's so funny. Now, we are exactly the same in that regard. My wife has a pillow that is, I think it's a dead body in a pillow case. It's a heavy, a heavy, a little person that is stuffed into this thing and it's big and it's hard and I don't know how she sleeps on it. I, but at least she knows what she's doing. She knows what she likes. She likes it. I have, right now, because I got some actually for Christmas, I think there's seven pillows on my side of the, bed that I cannot figure out which is the one. I have super light fluffy feather ones. No. I have hard ones. I can't figure it out. I finally found one.

Yeah. And I have to buy it in Japan. So it comes from Japan. It's not soft at all. Oh, really? No. It is not soft. Doesn't it crick your neck?

Here's what it is. You put your head in and it goes, like, oh, like. a circus peanut. It like suction into your skull. I don't move around a lot. I am just a corpse. You are on your back?

On my side. On your side. And that's it. That's how I go to sleep. That's how I wake up. So when you're on the side with this pillow. It just goes right under all the little bits of the little tendons and your earloaf. Everything is supported.

But it's not soft. So when my kids come into bed in the morning to snuggle with me, they're like, they lie down and they're like, it's like a sidewalk. It's really the curb of a sidewalk. It's just, it's so uncomfortable, but I love it. Really? And they last a long time. Yeah, I'll give you in. They last a long time.

But then slowly, you're like, oh. It's losing. It's firmness. Yeah. And then you've got to go. Back to Japan. Do you have to go there by yourself? You have to go on foot.

That's what they prefer. It's like 80 bucks or 100. books or 180 books or something like that it's not cheap yeah i have so many pillows right now and i really don't have the right one i can't figure it out you might like i don't know do you want to be supported yes but i don't want to be supported like when i lay on my wife's dead body pillow it's like my neck it's so hard that your neck is bent for the rest of your body yeah uh my husband got one too i got it for him where it comes with the flood And you can fluff it.

Oh, no. I don't want to be put to work. I don't work in a factory. Yeah, no. But they give you all this extra fluff. And then you can unzip it and take the fluff out. And I have like this sidecar of fluff. Yeah.

What is this? I'm just having a flashback to my question when I was mildly putting your husband, throwing your husband under the bus of how much he does around the house. Yeah. And I'll do it to myself. because my wife was in isolation in her room, the cat threw up on the duvet cover. So I took the duvet cover off and I washed the duvet cover

and dried it. Good for me. Yeah. What a guy. That duvet cover is now laying on top of the duvet. And you didn't put the duvet. I couldn't put it back in for about a week. See, if I told that story, this is how I would tell that story.

The cat threw up on the duvet cover. So now we don't have a cat. Oh, please. I could. Please. You know what? I can't take it. But you know what?

The cat throwing up on the duvet cover is actually a delight compared to the dogs. Oh. That are running through the house, wiping their ass on everything. They literally, they have a real ass problem. Oh, no. The Black Lab. Just will get this weird look and it looks to you in the eye like, I know this isn't cool with you, but I'm doing it because it feels great.

And we'll just pull itself on its back ass, on its ass across the carpet. And then the other one, the other one, the pug just stands static while the black lab goes to town on his ass. Oh, God. It's a lot of ass play in your house. And this is just like, this is how they start the day. And then the rest of that. So when the cat throws up, it's like, oh, that's cute. See, I had dogs when I was a kid, two Dobermans, and everything was kind of chill, in my mind, except for the second one, wouldn't shut up.

And our neighbors got a petition together. No. And they tried to poison. We had two in different times. Yeah. Try to poison the second Doberman. First got a petition. No, no.

First, over one. was fine. She was fine, but she just all of a sudden disappeared one day. And my parents acted like the mafia. I was asking questions and they were like, oh, she knew too much. You know, like they wouldn't tell me why she was gone. They just got rid of it, right? I don't know what happened. I have no idea what happened. And then the second one, we had to just, we had to get rid of it. It was barking constantly. And this was before any dog whispers in the world. Yeah. just couldn't figure it out.

It tore everything up. Oh, my God. But it was fine with me. But, like, for some reason, at night, it had massive anxiety. And the neighbors got together. They knocked on the door, like, in the middle of the night with this petition, everybody on the neighborhood signed it saying, get rid of this dog. Oh, that's brutal.

Yeah, that was heartbreaking. But it's cats. It's cats that I have a visceral reaction. Why? One of my first jobs in L.A. in Hollywood was a writer's assistant. Mm-hmm. but I worked for this woman in her home. So she basically made me just do all the assistant stuff.

Right. You know, even though she had other, you know what I mean? Yeah. You were a full-time housekeeper. She had a full-time man. I was, yeah, everything. Yeah. And she made me get cats one year for her, for her child, for her, like, five-year-old.

She's like, why don't you go find some cats? That's an odd request. Okay. Uh-huh. She's like, make sure that they're, you know, related or their family, so they have, you know, get two, so they have someone to play with. Yeah. And then she said, and get and make sure they're girls. Oh, God.

Okay. So I went to like all these vets. I didn't know where to look for cats. Yeah. This is, again, before. The internet. Anything. And so I went to a vet's office and I was like, hey, do you know where I can find some cats?

We actually happened to have some kittens. Great. Are they girls? Yes. They're two sisters. Awesome. I'll take them. But then my boss says, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You got to keep them in your apartment for a few weeks. Because it has to be a surprise. Like you found them too soon. Like I did my job. You didn't tell me the date. Oh, no. And so I had to keep them in my apartment. And they shit and piss everywhere. You had no idea. I had no idea how to take care of cats. I put out some bowls of food. And they're everywhere. Oh, God.

Did you even have a litter box? I finally got one. I thought they would just, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. I'd never had cats. So I got a litter box and it was disgusting. And I had to clean it. And I had no.

And I got this cheap little, you know, look like that little tin that you put a turkey at like whatever, those little basting. It was awful. And in those moments, I had never had cats before. I didn't really care about cats. either way, but in those moments I was like,

F all cats. And they were climbing everything. And they were terrible. And they had some awful infections and it started to smell. And I was like, I got to clean them. But I only had a stand-up shower. So I'm cleaning them in my stand-up shower. I don't have a bathtub.

I'm just like, shh. I'm sorry, but this is not a cat problem. This is a me problem. I get it. I totally get it. Finally, three weeks, three weeks go by. whatever, and I can bring them to my boss's house. Yeah.

And I had this huge cage carrier that the vet gave me. Yeah. And I bring them and they smell, I didn't know what was wrong with them. Uh-huh. They just, it was horrendous. Yeah, their smell of, yeah. Oh, God, it was like an infection. I don't know if they were yeasty.

I don't know. So I finally bring them to my boss. And she's excited. And they are beautiful. She's excited. And then she lifts up their legs. And she goes, what is this? Oh, no.

And there were two little testicles. I should believe a vet. The vet doesn't know. The vet just wanted them out of there. They just were like, yeah, sure, sure. Yeah, they're also dogs. Yeah, they're sisters. Yeah.

I told her she was, they were sisters. They were royalty. Yeah. She was furious with me. And I was like, these are the sweetest. I lied. Yeah. I lied completely.

I go, they are the sweetest cats. Trust me. Did she keep them? Everything will be fine. They were a nightmare. They pissed everyone. She was furious with me. I didn't know what to do.

Did you lose your job? No, I was there for years. But, you know, a nice lady and all that. But it's like. Any animal in your house is just, it's a lot. It's a lot. And you have to, if you really know what you're doing, which my wife does. Like, she knows how to, she knows.

She cares about them. Yes. She thinks about them. She's the right person. She's the right person. And even with that, it's out of her control. Like, these are the animals are just doing stuff that you can't control. You can't stop them.

No, they're wild animals. They should be on the outside of the house. That's right. Yeah. They should be in the yard or out on the back lot. You might want to get your dog's butts check, though. I'd rather not. I think that's a thing.

I think dogs. do things once in a while they're itchy and where a human being would find a bidet and they just find a carpet. It's a nightmare. Maybe cut sugar. That's my now solution for everything. Have you thought about cutting sugar?

I, last time we spoke, I went home and I declared to the family we are getting a sauna. because you talked it up and I believe in it and I was really excited and I got shot down by everybody. What? Have they been in a sauna? Yeah.

Not with me though. No. No. All right. Bring them over one at a time because it's a two person sauna. And we are going to get a new one. We are going to get a new one. Oh, really?

I have to. I mean, I have to manifest a new one. new big big sauna. How big? I want to have at least minimum. This would be a dream. From where I am to you? Or this is wall to wall? Yeah. Yeah. Minimum four or five people. That to me is minimum. Yeah, it should see. And you don't want to be with four or five people. You don't want to be by yourself. You just want more space. No, no, no. I love sauna parties. It's a sauna party. It's not a thing.

Yes, it is. In my house it is. In my house. Yeah. Yeah. I love the idea of just sweating. Okay, so the reason I've been in the sauna every day this week, it's freezing outside. Okay? Yeah. Crank up the sauna. You go inside and it's just, I even dragged my kids last night and they were so grateful. They were like, you're right.

I love it. I love it. And you get the steam on the rocks. I put up little essential oils in the water, right? So it's like tea tree and eucalyptus. Yeah. And it's freezing outside. But it's like, yeah.

It's so nice. But the other day, we had a really bad storm, and I actually got stuck in my little son of shed. Yeah, I couldn't get out for a while. It was just mud outside, and I just had flip-flops and just a towel. It was coming. It was torrential. It was whatever, the polar vortex, whatever you said.

The atmospheric river. That's right. Which also sounds like a great indoor, like water slide place. Right, exactly. But I was just kind of stuck. there. It was New Year's, it was New Year's. I just sat there and I was like, it's not going to let up. What am I doing? Waiting for it to let up. Now, what about a umbrella? No, what about a hot tub? We have a, we have a hot tub. Okay, so your voice went up and it had a little question mark at the end when you said it.

It's fine. So it's... Rather have a steam room. Rather have a steam room. A big steam and a big sauna. And I basically want a spa in my backyard. I basically want, like, the Russian spa that I took you to, in my backyard with clothes. That part always bums me out. I know. What about going in the, we're toying around, because the pool we kind of use,

but we know if it was a hot tub, we'd probably use it more. Oh, you want to add a hot tub to your, yeah, for sure. Is that in the Kiras-Latanovich? Yeah, hot tubs are fun. They're fun.

They're fun. I mean, they're not going to give you the massive sweat that we want. No, no. But it's better probably than nothing. Do you need it? Do you really need it though? You have a senior in high school.

It's relaxing. You have a senior in high school? Mm-hmm. Okay. So she might have some hot tub parties. My kids have more hot tub parties than I do. You're saying naked hot tub parties? No, no.

Oh. We don't want to get flagged on the internet. What do you do? No, that's what I'm saying? Is that your concern is that she's going to be partying and I'm not going to want that? No, I'm saying the opposite. Get it for her. But then she's going off to college, right?

Where is she going? Are you kicking her out or what's happening? She'll probably go. So then it's if you and your wife are going to use it. Right. What's the reality there? I think it'd be pretty, you know, I think we probably would, for the first year, would use it a lot.

Of course. It's like the first year of marriage. You used each other a lot. A lot. And then you're like, oh, once in a while. Our pool guy came today in the rain. In the pool? This guy looks.

loves his job. Those kidney shapes. Turn him on. In the rain, he came to service our pool. I go, dude, I get it. He wants to get pain. I get it. We'll pay you.

Pay you. Stay home. It's raining and you're sitting here cleaning a pool in the rain while branches are being blown into the pool. There's like a palm tree, palm fronds, whatever it is, you know? And I'm just like, come on, guy. Go home. Yeah.

Take a day off. If you're not the postal service, relax. Are you doing more Jay shows? You bet your life is the show. Yeah. Yeah. And I finally saw you announcing. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And you guys did a whole bunch of those shows. We did 180. Oh, my God. And I think there's a season three. Yeah? But I don't know. I don't know yet.

Can't, you know, variety holiday reporter it yet. But yeah, that would be fun. That would be fun. Jay's not. He wants to do seven a day. Seven a day. Yeah, we can knock out seven. Sure.

That's fine. We'll be done with him. We'll be done with him. I don't do a good Leno. Yeah, nobody does, but everyone can do it. And the thing is, he doesn't even sound like that anymore. Like that was him 20 years ago. I know.

And he doesn't, yeah, but that's how we know him. But I'll gladly. Is it a good gig? It's such a great game. Is it? It's just so easy. Yeah. Yeah, it's fun.

Yeah. You should get more work off of that because you do, you sound really good on it. It's, yeah. Yeah. I should. Yeah. God damn it. Can I be your agent?

Yes, please. When you were out on tour without me, when I see you posting all these shows that you're doing and you have a whole bunch of dates coming up. Yeah. You're in a whole bunch of spots. How much less fun is it when I'm not around? It's not, it's not fun at all. Yeah. No.

zero. Yeah. You know, who am I going to get gas station breakfast with? Right. Nobody. Nobody. I mean, I'll go to a regular place and eat in a regular restaurant. But yeah, that's so boring.

Yeah. Where are you going? I will be in, I'll be just outside of Dallas. Ooh. Actually, they have the best Korean spa there. It's the only reason I book this room. It's great. It's a beautiful room.

And it's actually right next to a beautiful. beautiful restaurant, like they're all together. Oh, yeah? Food is incredible. Wow. And it's really, really nice. It's a new club. So that's TKs.

That's January 19th, 20, 21, 22, something like that. And then I'll go over to Phoenix at the end of the month. And you're going to tape something. In March, I'm doing a new half hour. Just half. Nice. Just half hour. Okay.

Yeah. All right. I like it. I prefer. Half hour is good. I prefer it. Everything gets chopped up on the internet anyway. Yeah, exactly.

No. No. And earthquake. Yeah. Great comedian. He put out a half hour and made a big splash. Yeah. It was just right.

It was just what he wanted to do and it was funny and it doesn't have to be an hour. It does not have to be an hour. Yeah. Whatever the set is at its best is what you should record. Well, here's the thing. It's going to be a mostly crowd work set. that's my... Oh.

It's going to be crowd work, probably crowdwork only. But I don't want to say only because then I might throw in, because I am working on new material. Right. But it's going to be... And I know I'm not the first one to do this. I know Todd Barry has done it. I know Attell has done it.

I know... Yeah, but you're great at it. A ton of comics. But I derive pleasure from it. Yeah. It's just fun. Yeah. So I figure, why not?

Nothing to lose. Yeah. They're fine with it. They're like, okay, great. It is kind of amazing that, I mean, you could do it this half hour form. But so many people are posting crowdwork online. Yeah. Because they could just do it in the club and it's not burning their material.

Right. And it's like you are better than all of them at it. Well, I do like to incorporate crowdwork into my written joke. So, like, I will take something you said, you know what I mean? Right. I was born in Albuquerque and then I'll make my punchline later on. Yeah. Albuquerque.

So that's fun for me. Right, right. But yeah. Oh, that's good. Where are you going to do that? In Sarasota, Florida. Ooh. March 28th.

Come out. That's cool. Why Sarasota? It's a club that we're shooting in a club. Oh, nice. McCurdy's? McCurdy's. Have you been there?

No. Yeah. Yeah. Just south of Tampa, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Is that that seafood one?

No, that's way down. That's way down at the bottom, San Marco Island. I know what you're talking about. I've worked there before. Is it like Captain Quigleys or something? Yeah, it is. It is. Right? People liked it. I've done it. I've done it. Yeah. And they have a really great condo, actually. It's like a beautiful house on the water. That's where a very, very rich couple came to my show one night and asked myself and my feature to go on their yacht the next day. and we did. You did. And it was a mistake. They were swingers.

It was a sex yacht. No. Yes. You weren't the only ones on it? No, but they were, they zeroed in on us. And Al Jackson, who's on like a daily TV show now, very funny comic, he was, that was, he was the feature. And he and I, we were like, what have we done? How quickly did you know?

Within moments. As soon as it left the doc. Yeah, no, like we left and he's, and they're filling his drink up. Uh-huh. And again, I'm square and boring, so I wasn't drinking. Right. But he's like, this does not feel right. This was years and years and years ago.

We were both single. We didn't have kids. We're both, you know, have kids. But like, it immediately were like, they, they want to. Oh, no. Like, mass. Like, it was so massively obvious. And then I just said, okay, we got to stick to.

together. Like we don't go into like this room down here. I'm not going to go to this side of the boat. Like we are together throughout this whole thing. Oh man. And you know how I got out of any kind of just weirdness? I asked the the husband. I go, hey, I've always wanted to like learn how to, you know, captain a yacht will you teach me? And so he let me steer the ship and like kind of and I steered it into the bay, the marina, whatever you call it. It was tight squeezes. Yeah. But that way I was busy. I would think that he would have, once your hands were on the wheel, he would have thought now she's trapped. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, no. We, that was, so that's my only memory of that club. It was a sex yacht. That happened to Bobby Lee and me when we were in Vegas. Some couple asked, there was like a club. I think it was at the Rio or something. And there was a night club.

and there were like these boxes around the club like up above the club like the dance floor yeah they're like skyboxes kind of thing and um we were in there someone coupled you know they're expensive and they invited us from the show you can come hang out in our thing and we're like okay and uh we're in there like just having a drink looking over the side and bobby's like these people are swangers i'm like no they're not And I look back and they're hitting on this other guy. I don't know. It was a comic.

I forget. And it was like, oh, right. This is why they were so friendly and nice. It was like, we got to get out of here immediately. Did you guys get out or did you? Who knows with Bobby? We have Bobby still there. I just sacrificed Bobby.

I just pushed Bobby at them and then ran. He was fine. He enjoyed it. He had a good time. I have seen four comedians, penises. Four? Four. Were you, did you ask for any?

Un-solicited, unsolicited. And Bobby Lee, but I've seen on stage. Yeah, everyone has. Yeah, everyone has. I've seen his backside and his penis. Barris, who's the guy at the comedy store? He's pulled it out several times. Several times.

On stage? Yeah. Rock Bears. What is this person? You know what I'm talking about it. He's been there for years. Yeah. Late night guy.

Burt Kreischer. Bert. Showed me his penis. Yep. He did? Didn't want to see it. He showed. to me. By the way, in a comedy club. Like, out in the area where all the...

Where one was just hanging out? He dressed up as the New Year baby. One year, we did New Year together. A long, long, long, long time ago. And so he came out in a diaper. And then we were just hanging out, like, at the bar, like where the tables are. And he said something about, like, I don't know, my nuts are, like, they're... I feel like they're too low, like, in their encasement. And so he showed me And I go, they really are They're very aggressively low You know like when a woman has her ears pierced

Yeah, and they did It pulls Super like the hole is like right here You're like too heavy The earring is too heavy You're gonna like I feel like the nuts are gonna rip out And then over a phone Artie Fouqua

In New York Legendary Legendary Also unsolicist Yeah just was am I Did I just meet to all these guys I didn't mean to I did not meet to.

I'm just saying... They all seem kind of friendly. Yeah, they're really friendly. This is not... This didn't traumatize me. It was hilarious. But I was just kind of like, wow, interesting. Like in different ways, I've seen different penises.

How do we get on this subject? That's a big number. I get the swinging sex yacht. Oh, that's right. Yeah. I definitely, it doesn't matter how single I am. I would never ever, ever want to, like, like just see a comics penis.

Yeah. In that situation. I had a joke about that in my act a while ago that I couldn't believe like the the confidence of these guys like or just how how psychotic they are that their first move because you hear that a lot. Like when people like are me-toing people, they're like their first move when they met this guy was he just takes out his worst part and shows it to you like it's something you'd want to see I don't understand I don't have one I don't have a peanuts it sounds like a lot like a big responsibility

that you have at its best you're like this is not something should this should be brought like you want to try and you know win them over maybe yeah or like a dark area here's the strangest part of me Yeah. Here you go. Yeah, I don't get it, but I, but I also do. If you're already, you do. Yeah, he goes, hey, I want to see something cool. You want to see something that nobody else has?

Yeah, and I go, what is that a web? Is that a tool? What are you showing me? I thought it was like a transmission. Is this the redwoods? I go, I don't even know what this is. It's dark. It was in the cellar.

And it's, I go, I don't even know what I'm looking at. Right. That's my penis. I go, which direction? All directions. It took up the entire. I was like, okay. Okay, great. Good for you, Mazel Tov. I didn't understand why. Again, I'm not, I hope this isn't come across like I'm trying to out them. This, no, it wasn't. You were friendly with all of them.

Here, let me tell you, honestly, here's where I am in my life. Okay. I will gladly give someone a blowjob at this point of my life. For any advancement in my career. Like, when you're younger, you have all these like, oh, oh, how dare you? Now I've come to the age where like, yeah. You want to put me on a sitcom? That's not a problem. Like, it's three minutes of my life. And then I can get my kids in private school. Like, I will gladly do that. Does your husband know about that plan?

I don't think he would care. You wouldn't care. He's fine. You know what I mean? We have two car payments. We both just got a new car this year. Like, yes. Let's do what needs to get done.

Put it on your vision board. Artie, can you please? If Artie only had a... If only he was a producer. Yeah, if only, I mean... Yeah. But you remember that scene in Forrest Gump? And it wasn't the pre-Burt.

Yeah. Like that was early birth. Yeah, early bird, yeah. But remember that scene in Forrest Gump? I don't know, it's a million years old movie. But Sally Field has sex with a, I think it was like a principal of a school or a headmaster or something to make sure that Forrest got in his school. And I was like, oh, that's horrendous. That is terrible.

I understand she's a mother and she's sacrificed. But you know when you're younger, you have these principles. I feel like, oh, my God, a person in power. Yes. I'm telling you now, what did I say, July 4th? July 4th. You're right here on July 4th. January 4th.

100%. I am older now and I don't have any. I don't care. Just what I'm saying? Like, I don't care. anymore. Right. For sure. All right, but what's the cutoff? Like, what is the... A yacht down in San Marco Island. That's, I will not have sex with you. That's just gross. No, like at what level of the offer that you're, of the advancement in your career. No, I mean, it has to be... It has to be big. It has to be

like a big, a part in a movie or a sitcom. Or you know what? If someone's like, I love your script, right. This feature that you wrote. Right. 100% guarantee. We are making this. Milakunis is story, whatever, you know what I mean? You just have to do one thing. Blow job right now. And I go, it's not a problem. I, you know what I mean? This is a 25 year old Kira you're talking to. This is someone. This is someone that knows the rules. I paid $12,000 in property taxes. Yes. It's not a problem. I got you. Like this, let's do it where, but I want to know, like, I want to see the call sheet. Do you see what I'm saying? Like, I'm not an I need to see like what like it's really happening. Yeah.

I'm putting it out there on the internet. It's not a big deal anymore. So anyone out there that has some connections? No, no, not some. Let's be straight. Let's see. This is happening. Like the movie is like, you know what I mean?

Like we're buying your sitcom. Great. Do you happen to have a penis? Right. And we'll make sure. So you're not doing it for voiceover work. No, I'm sorry. I'm too busy.

I'm too busy. I can't. No. I'm sorry. No. It's got to translate to cars are paid off. It's got to translate to now I can build an actual spa in my backyard. I can get the sauna with.

Can you imagine? I will detox that blow job within the first day of my new steamer. Well, there might be a shorter way at it. Okay. Hand job? No. Rather than wait for the executive that has this project that will make it on the air and do all that stuff. Why not just blow the sauna guy?

you're so smart I mean I guarantee that guy doesn't get that offer every day No way no way And to upgrade from the two person I need a six person To the six person God you're thinking

That's what we do here at breaking bread That is genius So I'm putting this out to all the sun sauna manufacturers Leslie pools Please Leslie Whatever you have, Leslie. No, actually, I draw the line of Leslie's. I can't.

You can't. No. Yeah, I'm sorry. No, you need it better. I need it. What I'm used to. Right. I understand.

Well. Did we cover everything? I think we did. I apologize that you can't eat this croissant. Please, do not. I just got off a plane, so I had to eat while I was talking to you. 100%. I only ate this, this, look at my sweater.

I only ate that, that sugary apple crumble cake because it didn't make noise on the microphone. You don't have C-bo, spell with an S. Look it up. C-E-E-E-bo. That's how you say food in Italian. C-I-B-O, C-I-B-O. I am sorry.

I misspelled my disease. C-bo, S-I-B-O. Yeah, it's terrible. I'll look it up tonight when I have nothing to do. Please don't. While your cat is vomiting, look it up. Does my cat have C-Bo? So are you too busy to work with me on the road now?

Are you... It depends. You have a pretty packed schedule. You let me know. I'll let you know. Is there heavy cream involved? In the coffee? Mm-hmm.

We always do find good coffee. We do. But you're able to drink coffee in the middle of the night and fall asleep. Yes. And this will probably wreck my sleep tonight. Oh. So here's what I do. You ask me about my sleep.

Yeah. I eat a pad of butter before I go to bed. What? The weirdest diet I am definitely looking up this C-Bo thing Joy my cult A pad of butter Yes

Right before bed Butter lowers cortisol Uh-huh It lowers your cortisol stress hormone Basically So it kind of actually relaxes you Well it's giving you a heart attack While you're falling into a coma

Right well it's filling up your arteries With fat You're the best You're the bestest Thanks for kicking off the year Oh my pleasure I feel like you are the most frequent guest on this program. Well, that's because of the blow drops.

This is, we're signing off. Get the Helix. We got it, Aaron. Aaron's not here. I think he fell asleep. He left.